\"Ithink，\"saidGeorge，ashestoodlookingdownatit，\"thisisthebestviewwe’vehadofit，asyet。Thereisonlyoneotherpointfromwhichwecanseeit。Afterthat，Iproposewegodownintoitandgetsomerest。\"
\"Idon’tbelieveit’sthesamevillage，\"saidHarris；\"itcan’tbe。\"
\"There’snomistakingthatchurch，\"saidGeorge。\"ButmaybeitisacaseonallfourswiththatPraguestatue。Possibly，theauthoritieshereabouthavehadmadesomelife—sizedmodelsofthatvillage，andhavestuckthemabouttheForesttoseewherethethingwouldlookbest。Anyhow，whichwaydowegonow？\"
\"Idon’tknow，\"saidHarris，\"andIdon’tcare。Ihavedonemybest；you’vedonenothingbutgrumble，andconfuseme。\"
\"Imayhavebeencritical，\"admittedGeorge\"butlookatthethingfrommypointofview。Oneofyousayshe’sgotaninstinct，andleadsmetoawasps’nestinthemiddleofawood。\"
\"Ican’thelpwaspsbuildinginawood，\"Ireplied。
\"Idon’tsayyoucan，\"answeredGeorge。\"Iamnotarguing；Iammerelystatingincontrovertiblefacts。Theotherone，wholeadsmeupanddownhillforhoursonscientificprinciples，doesn’tknowthenorthfromthesouth，andisneverquitesurewhetherhe’sturnedroundorwhetherhehasn’t。Personally，Iprofesstonoinstinctsbeyondtheordinary，noramIascientist。ButtwofieldsoffIcanseeaman。Iamgoingtoofferhimtheworthofthehayheiscutting，whichIestimateatonemarkfiftypfennig，toleavehiswork，andleadmetowithinsightofTodtmoos。Ifyoutwofellowsliketofollow，youcan。Ifnot，youcanstartanothersystemandworkitoutbyyourselves。\"
George’splanlackedbothoriginalityandaplomb，butatthemomentitappealedtous。Fortunately，wehadworkedroundtoaveryshortdistanceawayfromthespotwherewehadoriginallygonewrong；withtheresultthat，aidedbythegentlemanofthescythe，werecoveredtheroad，andreachedTodtmoosfourhourslaterthanwehadcalculatedtoreachit，withanappetitethattookforty—
fiveminutes’steadyworkinsilencetoabate。
FromTodtmooswehadintendedtowalkdowntotheRhine；buthavingregardtoourextraexertionsofthemorning，wedecidedtopromenadeinacarriage，astheFrenchwouldsay：andforthispurposehiredapicturesque—lookingvehicle，drawnbyahorsethatIshouldhavecalledbarrel—bodiedbutforcontrastwithhisdriver，incomparisonwithwhomhewasangular。InGermanyeveryvehicleisarrangedforapairofhorses，butdrawngenerallybyone。Thisgivestotheequipagealop—sidedappearance，accordingtoournotions，butitisheldheretoindicatestyle。Theideatobeconveyedisthatyouusuallydriveapairofhorses，butthatforthemomentyouhavemislaidtheotherone。TheGermandriverisnotwhatweshouldcallafirst—classwhip。Heisathisbestwhenheisasleep。Then，atallevents，heisharmless；andthehorsebeing，generallyspeaking，intelligentandexperienced，progressundertheseconditionsiscomparativelysafe。IfinGermanytheycouldonlytrainthehorsetocollectthemoneyattheendofthejourney，therewouldbenoneedforacoachmanatall。
Thiswouldbeadistinctrelieftothepassenger，forwhentheGermancoachmanisawakeandnotcrackinghiswhipheisgenerallyoccupiedingettinghimselfintotroubleoroutofit。Heisbetterattheformer。OnceIrecollectdrivingdownasteepBlackForesthillwithacoupleofladies。Itwasoneofthoseroadswindingcorkscrew—wisedowntheslope。Thehillroseatanangleofseventy—fiveontheoff—side，andfellawayatanangleofseventy—fiveonthenear—side。Wewereproceedingverycomfortably，thedriver，wewerehappytonotice，withhiseyesshut，whensuddenlysomething，abaddreamorindigestion，awokehim。Heseizedthereins，and，byanadroitmovement，pulledthenear—sidehorseovertheedge，whereitclung，halfsupportedbythetraces。Ourdriverdidnotappearintheleastannoyedorsurprised；bothhorses，Ialso，noticed，seemedequallyusedtothesituation。Wegotout，andhegotdown。Hetookfromundertheseatahugeclasp—knife，evidentlykeptthereforthepurpose，anddeftlycutthetraces。Thehorse，thusreleased，rolledoverandoveruntilhestrucktheroadagainsomefiftyfeetbelow。Thereheregainedhisfeetandstoodwaitingforus。Were—enteredthecarriageanddescendedwiththesinglehorseuntilwecametohim。
There，withthehelpofsomebitsofstring，ourdriverharnessedhimagain，andwecontinuedonourway。Whatimpressedmewastheevidentaccustomednessofbothdriverandhorsestothismethodofworkingdownahill。
Evidentlytothemitappearedashortandconvenientcut。Ishouldnothavebeensurprisedhadthemansuggestedourstrappingourselvesin，andthenrollingoverandover，carriageandall，tothebottom。
AnotherpeculiarityoftheGermancoachmanisthatheneverattemptstopullinortopullup。Heregulateshisrateofspeed，notbythepaceofthehorse，butbymanipulationofthebrake。
Foreightmilesanhourheputsitonslightly，sothatitonlyscrapesthewheel，producingacontinuoussoundasofthesharpeningofasaw；forfourmilesanhourhescrewsitdownharder，andyoutraveltoanaccompanimentofgroansandshrieks，suggestiveofasymphonyofdyingpigs。Whenhedesirestocometoafullstop，heputsitontoitsfull。Ifhisbrakebeagoodone，hecalculateshecanstophiscarriage，unlessthehorsebeanextrapowerfulanimal，inlessthantwiceitsownlength。NeithertheGermandrivernortheGermanhorseknows，apparently，thatyoucanstopacarriagebyanyothermethod。TheGermanhorsecontinuestopullwithhisfullstrengthuntilhefindsitimpossibletomovethevehicleanotherinch；thenherests。Horsesofothercountriesarequitewillingtostopwhentheideaissuggestedtothem。Ihaveknownhorsescontenttogoevenquiteslowly。ButyourGermanhorse，seemingly，isbuiltforoneparticularspeed，andisunabletodepartfromit。Iamstatingnothingbuttheliteral，unadornedtruth，whenIsayIhaveseenaGermancoachman，withthereinslyinglooseoverthesplash—board，workinghisbrakewithbothhands，interrorlesthewouldnotbeintimetoavoidacollision。
AtWaldshut，oneofthoselittlesixteenth—centurytownsthroughwhichtheRhineflowsduringitsearliercourse，wecameacrossthatexceedinglycommonobjectoftheContinent：thetravellingBritongrievedandsurprisedattheunacquaintanceoftheforeignerwiththesubtletiesoftheEnglishlanguage。Whenweenteredthestationhewas，inveryfairEnglish，thoughwithaslightSomersetshireaccent，explainingtoaporterforthetenthtime，asheinformedus，thesimplefactthatthoughhehimselfhadaticketforDonaueschingen，andwantedtogotoDonaueschingen，toseethesourceoftheDanube，whichisnotthere，thoughtheytellyouitis，hewishedhisbicycletobesentontoEngenandhisbagtoConstance，theretoawaithisarrival。Hewashotandangrywiththeeffortofthething。Theporterwasayoungmaninyears，butatthemomentlookedoldandmiserable。Iofferedmyservices。I
wishnowIhadnot——thoughnotsofervently，Iexpect，ashe，thespeechlessone，camesubsequentlytowishthis。Allthreeroutes，sotheporterexplainedtous，werecomplicated，necessitatingchangingandre—changing。Therewasnotmuchtimeforcalmelucidation，asourowntrainwasstartinginafewminutes。Themanhimselfwasvoluble——alwaysamistakewhenanythingentangledhastobemadeclear；whiletheporterwasonlytooeagertogetthejobdonewithandsobreatheagain。Itdawneduponmetenminuteslater，whenthinkingthematteroverinthetrain，thatthoughIhadagreedwiththeporterthatitwouldbebestforthebicycletogobywayofImmendingen，andhadagreedtohisbookingittoImmendingen，IhadneglectedtogiveinstructionsforitsdeparturefromImmendingen。WereIofadespondenttemperamentI
shouldbeworryingmyselfatthepresentmomentwiththereflectionthatinallprobabilitythatbicycleisstillatImmendingentothisday。ButIregarditasgoodphilosophytoendeavouralwaystoseethebrightersideofthings。Possiblytheportercorrectedmyomissiononhisownaccount，orsomesimplemiraclemayhavehappenedtorestorethatbicycletoitsownersometimebeforetheendofhistour。ThebagwesenttoRadolfzell：buthereI
consolemyselfwiththerecollectionthatitwaslabelledConstance；andnodoubtafterawhiletherailwayauthorities，findingitunclaimedatRadolfzell，forwardeditontoConstance。
ButallthisisapartfromthemoralIwishedtodrawfromtheincident。ThetrueinwardnessofthesituationlayintheindignationofthisBritisheratfindingaGermanrailwayporterunabletocomprehendEnglish。Themomentwespoketohimheexpressedthisindignationinnomeasuredterms。
\"Thankyouverymuchindeed，\"hesaid；\"it’ssimpleenough。IwanttogotoDonaueschingenmyselfbytrain；fromDonaueschingenIamgoingtowalktoGeisengen；fromGeisengenIamgoingtotakethetraintoEngen，andfromEngenIamgoingtobicycletoConstance。
ButIdon’twanttotakemybagwithme；IwanttofinditatConstancewhenIgetthere。Ihavebeentryingtoexplainthethingtothisfoolforthelasttenminutes；butIcan’tgetitintohim。\"
\"Itisverydisgraceful，\"Iagreed。\"SomeoftheseGermanworkmenknowhardlyanyotherlanguagethantheirown。\"
\"Ihavegoneoveritwithhim，\"continuedtheman，\"onthetimetable，andexplaineditbypantomime。EventhenIcouldnotknockitintohim。\"
\"Icanhardlybelieveyou，\"Iagainremarked；\"youwouldthinkthethingexplaineditself。\"
Harriswasangrywiththeman；hewishedtoreprovehimforhisfollyinjourneyingthroughtheoutlyingportionsofaforeignclime，andseekinginsuchtoaccomplishcomplicatedrailwaytrickswithoutknowingawordofthelanguageofthecountry。ButI
checkedtheimpulsivenessofHarris，andpointedouttohimthegreatandgoodworkatwhichthemanwasunconsciouslyassisting。
ShakespeareandMiltonmayhavedonetheirlittlebesttospreadacquaintancewiththeEnglishtongueamongthelessfavouredinhabitantsofEurope。NewtonandDarwinmayhaverenderedtheirlanguageanecessityamongeducatedandthoughtfulforeigners。
DickensandOuida（foryourfolkwhoimaginethattheliteraryworldisboundedbytheprejudicesofNewGrubStreet，wouldbesurprisedandgrievedatthepositionoccupiedabroadbythisat—
home—sneered—atlady）mayhavehelpedstillfurthertopopulariseit。ButthemanwhohasspreadtheknowledgeofEnglishfromCapeSt。VincenttotheUralMountainsistheEnglishmanwho，unableorunwillingtolearnasinglewordofanylanguagebuthisown，travelspurseinhandintoeverycorneroftheContinent。Onemaybeshockedathisignorance，annoyedathisstupidity，angryathispresumption。Butthepracticalfactremains；heitisthatisanglicisingEurope。ForhimtheSwisspeasanttrampsthroughthesnowonwintereveningstoattendtheEnglishclassopenineveryvillage。Forhimthecoachmanandtheguard，thechambermaidandthelaundress，poreovertheirEnglishgrammarsandcolloquialphrasebooks。ForhimtheforeignshopkeeperandmerchantsendtheirsonsanddaughtersintheirthousandstostudyineveryEnglishtown。Forhimitisthateveryforeignhotel—andrestaurant—keeperaddstohisadvertisement：\"OnlythosewithfairknowledgeofEnglishneedapply。\"
DidtheEnglish—speakingracesmakeittheirruletospeakanythingelsethanEnglish，themarvellousprogressoftheEnglishtonguethroughouttheworldwouldstop。TheEnglish—speakingmanstandsamidthestrangersandjingleshisgold。
\"Here，\"cries，\"ispaymentforallsuchascanspeakEnglish。\"
Heitiswhoisthegreateducator。Theoreticallywemayscoldhim；practicallyweshouldtakeourhatsofftohim。HeisthemissionaryoftheEnglishtongue。
CHAPTERXII
WearegrievedattheearthlyinstinctsoftheGerman——Asuperbview，butnorestaurant——ContinentalopinionoftheEnglishman——
Thathedoesnotknowenoughtocomeinoutoftherain——Therecomesawearytravellerwithabrick——Thehurtingofthedog——Anundesirablefamilyresidence——Afruitfulregion——Amerryoldsoulcomesupthehill——George，alarmedatthelatenessofthehour，hastensdowntheotherside——Harrisfollowshim，toshowhimtheway——Ihatebeingalone，andfollowHarris——Pronunciationspeciallydesignedforuseofforeigners。
Athingthatvexesmuchthehigh—classAnglo—SaxonsoulistheearthlyinstinctpromptingtheGermantofixarestaurantatthegoalofeveryexcursion。Onmountainsummit，infairyglen，onlonelypass，bywaterfallorwindingstream，standseverthebusyWirtschaft。Howcanonerhapsodiseoveraviewwhensurroundedbybeer—stainedtables？Howloseone’sselfinhistoricalreverieamidtheodourofroastvealandspinach？
Oneday，onelevatingthoughtsintent，weclimbedthroughtangledwoods。
\"Andatthetop，\"saidHarris，bitterly，aswepausedtobreatheaspaceandpullourbeltsaholetighter，\"therewillbeagaudyrestaurant，wherepeoplewillbeguzzlingbeefsteaksandplumtartsanddrinkingwhitewine。\"
\"Doyouthinkso？\"saidGeorge。
\"Suretobe，\"answeredHarris；\"youknowtheirway。Notonegrovewilltheyconsenttodedicatetosolitudeandcontemplation；notoneheightwilltheyleavetotheloverofnatureunpollutedbythegrossandthematerial。\"
\"Icalculate，\"Iremarked，\"thatweshallbetherealittlebeforeoneo’clock，providedwedon’tdawdle。\"
\"The’mittagstisch’willbejustready，\"groanedHarris，\"withpossiblysomeofthoselittlebluetrouttheycatchabouthere。InGermanyoneneverseemsabletogetawayfromfoodanddrink。Itismaddening！\"
Wepushedon，andinthebeautyofthewalkforgotourindignation。
Myestimateprovedtobecorrect。
Ataquartertoone，saidHarris，whowasleading：
\"Hereweare；Icanseethesummit。\"
\"Anysignofthatrestaurant？\"saidGeorge。
\"Idon’tnoticeit，\"repliedHarris；\"butit’sthere，youmaybesure；confoundit！\"
Fiveminuteslaterwestooduponthetop。Welookednorth，south，eastandwest；thenwelookedatoneanother。
\"Grandview，isn’tit？\"saidHarris。
\"Magnificent，\"Iagreed。
\"Superb，\"remarkedGeorge。
\"Theyhavehadthegoodsenseforonce，\"saidHarris，\"toputthatrestaurantoutofsight。\"
\"Theydoseemtohavehiddenit，\"saidGeorge。\"Onedoesn’tmindthethingsomuchwhenitisnotforcedunderone’snose，\"saidHarris。
\"Ofcourse，initsplace，\"Iobserved，\"arestaurantisrightenough。\"
\"Ishouldliketoknowwheretheyhaveputit，\"saidGeorge。
\"Supposewelookforit？\"saidHarris，withinspiration。
Itseemedagoodidea。Ifeltcuriousmyself。Weagreedtoexploreindifferentdirections，returningtothesummittoreportprogress。Inhalfanhourwestoodtogetheronceagain。Therewasnoneedforwords。ThefaceofoneandallofusannouncedplainlythatatlastwehaddiscoveredarecessofGermannatureuntarnishedbythesordidsuggestionoffoodordrink。
\"Ishouldneverhavebelieveditpossible，\"saidHarris：\"wouldyou？\"
\"Ishouldsay，\"Ireplied，\"thatthisistheonlysquarequarterofamileintheentireFatherlandunprovidedwithone。\"
\"Andwethreestrangershavestruckit，\"saidGeorge，\"withoutaneffort。\"
\"True，\"Iobserved。\"Bypuregoodfortunewearenowenabledtofeastourfinersensesundisturbedbyappealtoourlowernature。
Observethelightuponthosedistantpeaks；isitnotravishing？\"
\"Talkingofnature，\"saidGeorge，\"whichshouldyousaywasthenearestwaydown？\"
\"Theroadtotheleft，\"Ireplied，afterconsultingtheguidebook，\"takesustoSonnensteig——where，by—the—by，Iobservethe’GoldenerAdler’iswellspokenof——inabouttwohours。Theroadtotheright，thoughsomewhatlonger，commandsmoreextensiveprospects。\"
\"Oneprospect，\"saidHarris，\"isverymuchlikeanotherprospect；
don’tyouthinkso？\"
\"Personally，\"saidGeorge，\"Iamgoingbytheleft—handroad。\"AndHarrisandIwentafterhim。
Butwewerenottogetdownsosoonaswehadanticipated。Stormscomequicklyintheseregions，andbeforewehadwalkedforquarterofanhouritbecameaquestionofseekingshelterorlivingfortherestofthedayinsoakedclothes。Wedecidedontheformeralternative，andselectedatreethat，underordinarycircumstances，shouldhavebeenampleprotection。ButaBlackForestthunderstormisnotanordinarycircumstance。Weconsoledourselvesatfirstbytellingeachotherthatatsucharateitcouldnotlastlong。Next，weendeavouredtocomfortourselveswiththereflectionthatifitdidweshouldsoonbetoowettofeargettingwetter。
\"Asitturnedout，\"saidHarris，\"Ishouldhavebeenalmostgladiftherehadbeenarestaurantuphere。\"
\"IseenoadvantageinbeingbothwetANDhungry，\"saidGeorge。\"I
shallgiveitanotherfiveminutes，thenIamgoingon。\"
\"Thesemountainsolitudes，\"Iremarked，\"areveryattractiveinfineweather。Onarainyday，especiallyifyouhappentobepasttheagewhen——\"
Atthispointtherehailedusavoice，proceedingfromastoutgentleman，whostoodsomefiftyfeetawayfromusunderabigumbrella。
\"Won’tyoucomeinside？\"askedthestoutgentleman。
\"Insidewhere？\"Icalledback。Ithoughtatfirsthewasoneofthosefoolsthatwilltrytobefunnywhenthereisnothingtobefunnyabout。
\"Insidetherestaurant，\"heanswered。
Weleftourshelterandmadeforhim。Wewishedforfurtherinformationaboutthisthing。
\"Ididcalltoyoufromthewindow，\"saidthestoutgentleman，aswedrewneartohim，\"butIsupposeyoudidnothearme。Thisstormmaylastforanotherhour；youwillgetSOwet。\"
Hewasakindlyoldgentleman；heseemedquiteanxiousaboutus。
Isaid：\"Itisverykindofyoutohavecomeout。Wearenotlunatics。Wehavenotbeenstandingunderthattreeforthelasthalf—hourknowingallthetimetherewasarestaurant，hiddenbythetrees，withintwentyyardsofus。Wehadnoideawewereanywhereneararestaurant。\"
\"Ithoughtmaybeyouhadn’t，\"saidtheoldgentleman；\"thatiswhyIcame。\"
Itappearedthatallthepeopleintheinnhadbeenwatchingusfromthewindowsalso，wonderingwhywestoodtherelookingmiserable。Ifithadnotbeenforthisniceoldgentlemanthefoolswouldhaveremainedwatchingus，Isuppose，fortherestoftheafternoon。ThelandlordexcusedhimselfbysayinghethoughtwelookedlikeEnglish。Itisnofigureofspeech。OntheContinenttheydosincerelybelievethateveryEnglishmanismad。
TheyareasconvincedofitasiseveryEnglishpeasantthatFrenchmenliveonfrogs。Evenwhenonemakesadirectpersonalefforttodisabusethemoftheimpressiononeisnotalwayssuccessful。
Itwasacomfortablelittlerestaurant，wheretheycookedwell，whiletheTischweinwasreallymostpassable。Westoppedthereforacoupleofhours，anddriedourselvesandfedourselves，andtalkedabouttheview；andjustbeforeweleftanincidentoccurredthatshowshowmuchmorestirringinthisworldaretheinfluencesofevilcomparedwiththoseofgood。
Atravellerentered。Heseemedacarewornman。Hecarriedabrickinhishand，tiedtoapieceofrope。Heenterednervouslyandhurriedly，closedthedoorcarefullybehindhim，sawtoitthatitwasfastened，peeredoutofthewindowlongandearnestly，andthen，withasighofrelief，laidhisbrickuponthebenchbesidehimandcalledforfoodanddrink。
Therewassomethingmysteriousaboutthewholeaffair。Onewonderedwhathewasgoingtodowiththebrick，whyhehadclosedthedoorsocarefully，whyhehadlookedsoanxiouslyfromthewindow；buthisaspectwastoowretchedtoinviteconversation，andweforbore，therefore，toaskhimquestions。Asheateanddrankhegrewmorecheerful，sighedlessoften。Laterhestretchedhislegs，litanevil—smellingcigar，andpuffedincalmcontentment。
Thenithappened。Ithappenedtoosuddenlyforanydetailedexplanationofthethingtobepossible。IrecollectaFrauleinenteringtheroomfromthekitchenwithapaninherhand。Isawhercrosstotheouterdoor。Thenextmomentthewholeroomwasinanuproar。Onewasremindedofthosepantomimetransformationsceneswhere，fromamongfloatingclouds，slowmusic，wavingflowers，andrecliningfairies，oneissuddenlytransportedintothemidstofshoutingpolicementumblingyellingbabies，swellsfightingpantaloons，sausagesandharlequins，butteredslidesandclowns。AstheFrauleinofthepantouchedthedooritflewopen，asthoughallthespiritsofsinhadbeenpressedagainstit，waiting。Twopigsandachickenrushedintotheroom；acatthathadbeensleepingonabeer—barrelsplutteredintofierylife。TheFrauleinthrewherpanintotheairandlaydownonthefloor。Thegentlemanwiththebricksprangtohisfeet，upsettingthetablebeforehimwitheverythinguponit。
Onelookedtoseethecauseofthisdisaster：onediscovereditatonceinthepersonofamongrelterrierwithpointedearsandasquirrel’stail。Thelandlordrushedoutfromanotherdoor，andattemptedtokickhimoutoftheroom。Instead，hekickedoneofthepigs，thefatterofthetwo。Itwasavigorous，well—plantedkick，andthepiggotthewholeofit；noneofitwaswasted。Onefeltsorryforthepooranimal；butnoamountofsorrowanyoneelsemightfeelforhimcouldcomparewiththesorrowhefeltforhimself。Hestoppedrunningabout；hesatdowninthemiddleoftheroom，andappealedtothesolarsystemgenerallytoobservethisunjustthingthathadcomeuponhim。Theymusthaveheardhiscomplaintinthevalleysroundabout，andhavewonderedwhatupheavalofnaturewastakingplaceamongthehills。
Asforthehenitscuttled，screaming，everywayatonce。Itwasamarvellousbird：itseemedtobeabletorunupastraightwallquiteeasily；anditandthecatbetweenthemfetcheddownmostlyeverythingthatwasnotalreadyonthefloor。Inlessthanfortysecondstherewereninepeopleinthatroom，alltryingtokickonedog。Possibly，nowandagain，oneoranothermayhavesucceeded，foroccasionallythedogwouldstopbarkinginordertohowl。Butitdidnotdiscouragehim。Everythinghastobepaidfor，heevidentlyargued，evenapigandchickenhunt；and，onthewhole，thegamewasworthit。
Besides，hehadthesatisfactionofobservingthat，foreverykickhereceived，mostotherlivingthingsintheroomgottwo。Asfortheunfortunatepig——thestationaryone，theonethatstillsatlamentinginthecentreoftheroom——hemusthaveaveragedasteadyfour。Tryingtokickthisdogwaslikeplayingfootballwithaballthatwasneverthere——notwhenyouwenttokickit，butafteryouhadstartedtokickit，andhadgonetoofartostopyourself，sothatthekickhadtogooninanycase，youronlyhopebeingthatyourfootwouldfindsomethingoranothersolidtostopit，andsosaveyoufromsittingdownonthefloornoisilyandcompletely。Whenanybodydidkickthedogitwasbypureaccident，whentheywerenotexpectingtokickhim；and，generallyspeaking，thistookthemsounawaresthat，afterkickinghim，theyfelloverhim。Andeverybody，everyhalf—minute，wouldbecertaintofalloverthepigthesittingpig，theoneincapableofgettingoutofanybody’sway。
Howlongthescrimmagemighthavelasteditisimpossibletosay。
ItwasendedbythejudgmentofGeorge。Forawhilehehadbeenseekingtocatch，notthedogbuttheremainingpig，theonestillcapableofactivity。Corneringitatlast，hepersuadedittoceaserunningroundandroundtheroom，andinsteadtotakeaspinoutside。Itshotthroughthedoorwithonelongwail。
Wealwaysdesirethethingwehavenot。Onepig，achicken，ninepeople，andacat，wereasnothinginthatdog’sopinioncomparedwiththequarrythatwasdisappearing。Unwisely，hedartedafterit，andGeorgeclosedthedooruponhimandshotthebolt。
Thenthelandlordstoodup，andsurveyedallthethingsthatwerelyingonthefloor。
\"That’saplayfuldogofyours，\"saidhetothemanwhohadcomeinwiththebrick。
\"Heisnotmydog，\"repliedthemansullenly。
\"Whosedogisitthen？\"saidthelandlord。
\"Idon’tknowwhosedogitis，\"answeredtheman。
\"Thatwon’tdoforme，youknow，\"saidthelandlord，pickingupapictureoftheGermanEmperor，andwipingbeerfromitwithhissleeve。
\"Iknowitwon’t，\"repliedtheman；\"Ineverexpecteditwould。
I’mtiredoftellingpeopleitisn’tmydog。Theynoneofthembelieveme。\"
\"Whatdoyouwanttogoaboutwithhimfor，ifhe’snotyourdog？\"
saidthelandlord。\"What’stheattractionabouthim？\"
\"Idon’tgoaboutwithhim，\"repliedtheman；\"hegoesaboutwithme。Hepickedmeupthismorningatteno’clock，andhewon’tleaveme。IthoughtIhadgotridofhimwhenIcameinhere。I
lefthimbusykillingaduckmorethanaquarterofanhouraway。
I’llhavetopayforthat，Iexpect，onmywayback。\"
\"Haveyoutriedthrowingstonesathim？\"askedHarris。
\"HaveItriedthrowingstonesathim！\"repliedtheman，contemptuously。\"I’vebeenthrowingstonesathimtillmyarmacheswiththrowingstones；andhethinksit’sagame，andbringsthembacktome。I’vebeencarryingthisbeastlybrickaboutwithmeforoveranhour，inthehopeofbeingabletodrownhim，buthenevercomesnearenoughformetogetholdofhim。Hejustsitssixinchesoutofreachwithhismouthopen，andlooksatme。\"
\"It’sthefunnieststoryI’veheardforalongwhile，\"saidthelandlord。
\"Gladitamusessomebody，\"saidtheman。
Welefthimhelpingthelandlordtopickupthebrokenthings，andwentourway。Adozenyardsoutsidethedoorthefaithfulanimalwaswaitingforhisfriend。Helookedtired，butcontented。Hewasevidentlyadogofstrangeandsuddenfancies，andwefearedforthemomentlesthemighttakealikingtous。Butheletuspasswithindifference。Hisloyaltytothisunresponsivemanwastouching；andwemadenoattempttoundermineit。
HavingcompletedtooursatisfactiontheBlackForest，wejourneyedonourwheelsthroughAltBreisachandColmartoMunster；whencewestartedashortexplorationoftheVosgesrange，where，accordingtothepresentGermanEmperor，humanitystops。Ofold，AltBreisach，arockyfortresswiththerivernowononesideofitandnowontheother——forinitsinexperiencedyouththeRhineneverseemstohavebeenquitesureofitsway，——must，asaplaceofresidence，haveappealedexclusivelytotheloverofchangeandexcitement。Whoeverthewarwasbetween，andwhateveritwasabout，AltBreisachwasboundtobeinit。Everybodybesiegedit，mostpeoplecapturedit；themajorityofthemlostitagain；nobodyseemedabletokeepit。Whomhebelongedto，andwhathewas，thedwellerinAltBreisachcouldneverhavebeenquitesure。OnedayhewouldbeaFrenchman，andthenbeforehecouldlearnenoughFrenchtopayhistaxeshewouldbeanAustrian。WhiletryingtodiscoverwhatyoudidinordertobeagoodAustrian，hewouldfindhewasnolongeranAustrian，butaGerman，thoughwhatparticularGermanoutofthedozenmustalwayshavebeendoubtfultohim。OnedayhewoulddiscoverthathewasaCatholic，thenextanardentProtestant。Theonlythingthatcouldhavegivenanystabilitytohisexistencemusthavebeenthemonotonousnecessityofpayingheavilyfortheprivilegeofbeingwhateverforthemomenthewas。
ButwhenonebeginstothinkofthesethingsonefindsoneselfwonderingwhyanybodyintheMiddleAges，exceptkingsandtaxcollectors，evertookthetroubletoliveatall。
Forvarietyandbeauty，theVosgeswillnotcomparewiththehillsoftheSchwarzwald。Theadvantageaboutthemfromthetourist’spointofviewistheirsuperiorpoverty。TheVosgespeasanthasnottheunromanticairofcontentedprosperitythatspoilshisvis—
a—visacrosstheRhine。Thevillagesandfarmspossessmorethecharmofdecay。AnotherpointwhereintheVosgesdistrictexcelsisitsruins。Manyofitsnumerouscastlesareperchedwhereyoumightthinkonlyeagleswouldcaretobuild。Inothers，commencedbytheRomansandfinishedbytheTroubadours，coveringacreswiththemazeoftheirstillstandingwalls，onemaywanderforhours。
ThefruitererandgreengrocerisapersonunknownintheVosges。
Mostthingsofthatkindgrowwild，andaretobehadforthepicking。ItisdifficulttokeeptoanyprogrammewhenwalkingthroughtheVosges，thetemptationonahotdaytostopandeatfruitgenerallybeingtoostrongforresistance。Raspberries，themostdeliciousIhaveevertasted，wildstrawberries，currants，andgooseberries，growuponthehill—sidesasblack—berriesbyEnglishlanes。TheVosgessmallboyisnotcalledupontorobanorchard；
hecanmakehimselfillwithoutsin。OrchardsexistintheVosgesmountainsinplenty；buttotrespassintooneforthepurposeofstealingfruitwouldbeasfoolishasforafishtotryandgetintoaswimmingbathwithoutpaying。Still，ofcourse，mistakesdooccur。
Oneafternooninthecourseofaclimbweemergeduponaplateau，wherewelingeredperhapstoolong，eatingmorefruitthanmayhavebeengoodforus；itwassoplentifularoundus，sovaried。Wecommencedwithafewlatestrawberries，andfromthosewepassedtoraspberries。ThenHarrisfoundagreengage—treewithsomeearlyfruituponit，justperfect。
\"Thisisaboutthebestthingwehavestruck，\"saidGeorge；\"wehadbettermakethemostofthis。\"Whichwasgoodadvice，onthefaceofit。
\"Itisapity，\"saidHarris，\"thatthepearsarestillsohard。\"
Hegrievedaboutthisforawhile，butlateroncameacrosssomeremarkablyfineyellowplumsandtheseconsoledhimsomewhat。
\"Isupposewearestillabittoofarnorthforpineapples，\"saidGeorge。\"IfeelIcouldjustenjoyafreshpineapple。Thiscommonplacefruitpallsupononeafterawhile。\"
\"Toomuchbushfruitandnotenoughtree，isthefaultIfind，\"
saidHarris。\"Myself，Ishouldhavelikedafewmoregreengages。\"
\"Hereisamancomingupthehill，\"Iobserved，\"wholookslikeanative。Maybe，hewillknowwherewecanfindsomemoregreengages。\"
\"Hewalkswellforanoldchap，\"remarkedHarris。
Hecertainlywasclimbingthehillataremarkablepace。Also，sofaraswewereabletojudgeatthatdistance，heappearedtobeinaremarkablycheerfulmood，singingandshoutingatthetopofhisvoice，gesticulating，andwavinghisarms。
\"Whatamerryoldsoulitis，\"saidHarris；\"itdoesonegoodtowatchhim。Butwhydoeshecarryhisstickoverhisshoulder？Whydoesn’theuseittohelphimupthehill？\"
\"Doyouknow，Idon’tthinkitisastick，\"saidGeorge。
\"Whatcanitbe，then？\"askedHarris。
\"Well，itlookstome，\"saidGeorge，\"morelikeagun。\"
\"Youdon’tthinkwecanhavemadeamistake？\"suggestedHarris。
\"Youdon’tthinkthiscanbeanythinginthenatureofaprivateorchard？\"
Isaid：\"DoyourememberthesadthingthathappenedintheSouthofFrancesometwoyearsago？Asoldierpickedsomecherriesashepassedahouse，andtheFrenchpeasanttowhomthecherriesbelongedcameout，andwithoutawordofwarningshothimdead。\"
\"Butsurelyyouarenotallowedtoshootamandeadforpickingfruit，eveninFrance？\"saidGeorge。
\"Ofcoursenot，\"Ianswered。\"Itwasquiteillegal。Theonlyexcuseofferedbyhiscounselwasthathewasofahighlyexcitabledisposition，andespeciallykeenabouttheseparticularcherries。\"
\"Irecollectsomethingaboutthecase，\"saidHarris，\"nowyoumentionit。Ibelievethedistrictinwhichithappened——the’Commune，’asIthinkitiscalled——hadtopayheavycompensationtotherelativesofthedeceasedsoldier；whichwasonlyfair。\"
Georgesaid：\"Iamtiredofthisplace。Besides，it’sgettinglate。\"
Harrissaid：\"Ifhegoesatthatratehewillfallandhurthimself。Besides，Idon’tbelieveheknowstheway。\"
Ifeltlonesomeupthereallbymyself，withnobodytospeakto。
Besides，notsinceIwasaboy，Ireflected，hadIenjoyedarundownareallysteephill。IthoughtIwouldseeifIcouldrevivethesensation。Itisajerkyexercise，butgood，Ishouldsay，fortheliver。
WesleptthatnightatBarr，apleasantlittletownonthewaytoSt。Ottilienberg，aninterestingoldconventamongthemountains，whereyouarewaiteduponbyrealnuns，andyourbillmadeoutbyapriest。AtBarr，justbeforesupperatouristentered。HelookedEnglish，butspokealanguagethelikeofwhichIhaveneverheardbefore。Yetitwasanelegantandfine—soundinglanguage。Thelandlordstaredathimblankly；thelandladyshookherhead。Hesighed，andtriedanother，whichsomehowrecalledtomeforgottenmemories，though，atthetime，Icouldnotfixit。Butagainnobodyunderstoodhim。
\"Thisisdamnable，\"hesaidaloudtohimself。
\"Ah，youareEnglish！\"exclaimedthelandlord，brighteningup。
\"AndMonsieurlookstired，\"addedthebrightlittlelandlady。
\"Monsieurwillhavesupper。\"
TheybothspokeEnglishexcellently，nearlyaswellastheyspokeFrenchandGerman；andtheybustledaboutandmadehimcomfortable。
Atsupperhesatnexttome，andItalkedtohim。
\"Tellme，\"Isaid——Iwascuriousonthesubject——\"whatlanguagewasityouspokewhenyoufirstcamein？\"
\"German，\"heexplained。
\"Oh，\"Ireplied，\"Ibegyourpardon。\"
\"Youdidnotunderstandit？\"hecontinued。
\"Itmusthavebeenmyfault，\"Ianswered；\"myknowledgeisextremelylimited。Onepicksupalittlehereandthereasonegoesabout，butofcoursethatisadifferentthing。\"
\"ButTHEYdidnotunderstandit，\"hereplied，\"thelandlordandhiswife；anditistheirownlanguage。\"
\"Idonotthinkso，\"Isaid。\"ThechildrenhereaboutspeakGerman，itistrue，andourlandlordandlandladyknowGermantoacertainpoint。ButthroughoutAlsaceandLorrainetheoldpeoplestilltalkFrench。\"
\"AndIspoketotheminFrenchalso，\"headded，\"andtheyunderstoodthatnobetter。\"
\"Itiscertainlyverycurious，\"Iagreed。
\"Itismorethancurious，\"hereplied；\"inmycaseitisincomprehensible。Ipossessadiplomaformodernlanguages。IwonmyscholarshippurelyonthestrengthofmyFrenchandGerman。Thecorrectnessofmyconstruction，thepurityofmypronunciation，wasconsideredatmycollegetobequiteremarkable。Yet，whenIcomeabroadhardlyanybodyunderstandsawordIsay。Canyouexplainit？\"
\"IthinkIcan，\"Ireplied。\"Yourpronunciationistoofaultless。
YourememberwhattheScotsmansaidwhenforthefirsttimeinhislifehetastedrealwhisky：’Itmaybepuir，butIcannadrinkit’；soitiswithyourGerman。Itstrikesonelessasalanguagethanasanexhibition。IfImightofferadvice，Ishouldsay：
Mispronounceasmuchaspossible，andthrowinasmanymistakesasyoucanthinkof。\"
Itisthesameeverywhere。Eachcountrykeepsaspecialpronunciationexclusivelyfortheuseofforeigners——apronunciationtheyneverdreamofusingthemselves，thattheycannotunderstandwhenitisused。IonceheardanEnglishladyexplainingtoaFrenchmanhowtopronouncethewordHave。
\"Youwillpronounceit，\"saidtheladyreproachfully，\"asifitwerespeltH—a—v。Itisn’t。Thereisan’e’attheend。\"
\"ButIthought，\"saidthepupil，\"thatyoudidnotsoundthe’e’attheendofh—a—v—e。\"
\"Nomoreyoudo，\"explainedhisteacher。\"Itiswhatwecallamute’e’；butitexercisesamodifyinginfluenceontheprecedingvowel。\"
Beforethat，heusedtosay\"have\"quiteintelligently。
Afterwards，whenhecametothewordhewouldstopdead，collecthisthoughts，andgiveexpressiontoasoundthatonlythecontextcouldexplain。
Puttingasidethesufferingsoftheearlymartyrs，fewmen，I
suppose，havegonethroughmorethanImyselfwentthroughintryingtoIattainthecorrectpronunciationoftheGermanwordforchurch——\"Kirche。\"LongbeforeIhaddonewithitIhaddeterminednevertogotochurchinGermany，ratherthanbebotheredwithit。
\"No，no，\"myteacherwouldexplain——hewasapainstakinggentleman；
\"yousayitasifitwerespeltK—i—r—c—h—k—e。Thereisnok。Itis——。\"Andhewouldillustratetomeagain，forthetwentiethtimethatmorning，howitshouldbepronounced；thesadthingbeingthatIcouldneverforthelifeofmedetectanydifferencebetweenthewayhesaiditandthewayIsaidit。Sohewouldtryanewmethod。
\"Yousayitfromyourthroat，\"hewouldexplain。Hewasquiteright；Idid。\"Iwantyoutosayitfromdownhere，\"andwithafatforefingerhewouldindicatetheregionfromwhereIwastostart。Afterpainfulefforts，resultinginsoundssuggestiveofanythingratherthanaplaceofworship，Iwouldexcusemyself。
\"Ireallyfearitisimpossible，\"Iwouldsay。\"Yousee，foryearsIhavealwaystalkedwithmymouth，asitwere；Ineverknewamancouldtalkwithhisstomach。Idoubtifitisnottoolatenowformetolearn。\"
Byspendinghoursindarkcorners，andpractisinginsilentstreets，totheterrorofchancepassers—by，Icameatlasttopronouncethiswordcorrectly。Myteacherwasdelightedwithme，anduntilIcametoGermanyIwaspleasedwithmyself。InGermanyIfoundthatnobodyunderstoodwhatImeantbyit。Inevergotnearachurchwithit。Ihadtodropthecorrectpronunciation，andpainstakinglygobacktomyfirstwrongpronunciation。Thentheywouldbrightenup，andtellmeitwasroundthecorner，ordownthenextstreet，asthecasemightbe。
Ialsothinkpronunciationofaforeigntonguecouldbebettertaughtthanbydemandingfromthepupilthoseinternalacrobaticfeatsthataregenerallyimpossibleandalwaysuseless。Thisisthesortofinstructiononereceives：
\"Pressyourtonsilsagainsttheundersideofyourlarynx。Thenwiththeconvexpartoftheseptumcurvedupwardssoasalmost——butnotquite——totouchtheuvula，trywiththetipofyourtonguetoreachyourthyroid。Takeadeepbreath，andcompressyourglottis。
Now，withoutopeningyourlips，say’Garoo。’\"
Andwhenyouhavedoneittheyarenotsatisfied。
CHAPTERXIII
AnexaminationintothecharacterandbehaviouroftheGermanstudent——TheGermanMensur——Usesandabusesofuse——Viewsofanimpressionist——Thehumourofthething——Recipeformakingsavages——
TheJungfrau：herpeculiartasteinlaces——TheKneipe——HowtorubaSalamander——Advicetothestranger——Astorythatmighthaveendedsadly——Oftwomenandtwowives——Togetherwithabachelor。
OnourwayhomeweincludedaGermanUniversitytown，beingwishfultoobtainaninsightintothewaysofstudentlife，acuriositythatthecourtesyofGermanfriendsenabledustogratify。
TheEnglishboyplaystillheisfifteen，andworksthencetilltwenty。InGermanyitisthechildthatworks；theyoungmanthatplays。TheGermanboygoestoschoolatseveno’clockinthesummer，ateightinthewinter，andatschoolhestudies。Theresultisthatatsixteenhehasathoroughknowledgeoftheclassicsandmathematics，knowsasmuchhistoryasanymancompelledtobelongtoapoliticalpartyiswiseinknowing，togetherwithathoroughgroundinginmodernlanguages。ThereforehiseightCollegeSemesters，extendingoverfouryears，are，exceptfortheyoungmanaimingataprofessorship，unnecessarilyample。
Heisnotasportsman，whichisapity，forheshouldmakegoodone。Heplaysfootballalittle，bicyclesstillless；playsFrenchbilliardsinstuffycafesmore。Butgenerallyspeakinghe，orthemajorityofhim，laysouthistimebummeling，beerdrinking，andfighting。IfhebethesonofawealthyfatherhejoinsaKorps——
tobelongtoacrackKorpscostsaboutfourhundredpoundsayear。
Ifhebeamiddle—classyoungman，heenrolshimselfinaBurschenschaft，oraLandsmannschaft，whichisalittlecheaper。
Thesecompaniesareagainbrokenupintosmallercircles，inwhichattemptismadetokeeptonationality。TherearetheSwabians，fromSwabia；theFrankonians，descendantsoftheFranks；theThuringians，andsoforth。Inpractice，ofcourse，thisresultsasallsuchattemptsdoresult——IbelievehalfourGordonHighlandersareCockneys——butthepicturesqueobjectisobtainedofdividingeachUniversityintosomedozenorsoseparatecompaniesofstudents，eachonewithitsdistinctivecapandcolours，and，quiteasimportant，itsownparticularbeerhall，intowhichnootherstudentwearinghiscoloursmaycome。
Thechiefworkofthesestudentcompaniesistofightamongthemselves，orwithsomerivalKorpsorSchaft，thecelebratedGermanMensur。
TheMensurhasbeendescribedsooftenandsothoroughlythatIdonotintendtoboremyreaderswithanydetailedaccountofit。I
merelycomeforwardasanimpressionist，andIwritepurposelytheimpressionofmyfirstMensur，becauseIbelievethatfirstimpressionsaremoretrueandusefulthanopinionsbluntedbyintercourse，orshapedbyinfluence。
AFrenchmanoraSpaniardwillseektopersuadeyouthatthebull—
ringisaninstitutiongotupchieflyforthebenefitofthebull。
Thehorsewhichyouimaginedtobescreamingwithpainwasonlylaughingatthecomicalappearancepresentedbyitsowninside。
YourFrenchorSpanishfriendcontrastsitsgloriousandexcitingdeathintheringwiththecold—bloodedbrutalityoftheknacker’syard。Ifyoudonotkeepatightholdofyourhead，youcomeawaywiththedesiretostartanagitationfortheinceptionofthebull—ringinEnglandasanaidtochivalry。NodoubtTorquemadawasconvincedofthehumanityoftheInquisition。Toastoutgentleman，suffering，perhaps，fromcramporrheumatism，anhourorsoontherackwasreallyaphysicalbenefit。Hewouldrisefeelingmorefreeinhisjoints——moreelastic，asonemightsay，thanhehadfeltforyears。Englishhuntsmenregardthefoxasananimaltobeenvied。Aday’sexcellentsportisprovidedforhimfreeofcharge，duringwhichheisthecentreofattraction。
Useblindsonetoeverythingonedoesnotwishtosee。EverythirdGermangentlemanyoumeetinthestreetstillbears，andwillbeartohisgrave，marksofthetwentytoahundredduelshehasfoughtinhisstudentdays。TheGermanchildrenplayattheMensurinthenursery，rehearseitinthegymnasium。TheGermanshavecometopersuadethemselvesthereisnobrutalityinit——nothingoffensive，nothingdegrading。TheirargumentisthatitschoolstheGermanyouthtocoolnessandcourage。Ifthiscouldbeproved，theargument，particularlyinacountrywhereeverymanisasoldier，wouldbesufficientlyone—sided。Butisthevirtueoftheprize—
fighterthevirtueofthesoldier？Onedoubtsit。Nerveanddasharesurelyofmoreserviceinthefieldthanatemperamentofunreasoningindifferenceastowhatishappeningtoone。Asamatteroffact，theGermanstudentwouldhavetobepossessedofmuchmorecouragenottofight。Hefightsnottopleasehimself，buttosatisfyapublicopinionthatistwohundredyearsbehindthetimes。
AlltheMensurdoesistobrutalisehim。Theremaybeskilldisplayed——Iamtoldthereis，——butitisnotapparent。ThemerefightingislikenothingsomuchasabroadswordcombatataRichardson’sshow；thedisplayasawholeasuccessfulattempttocombinetheludicrouswiththeunpleasant。InaristocraticBonn，wherestyleisconsidered，andinHeidelberg，wherevisitorsfromothernationsaremorecommon，theaffairisperhapsmoreformal。
Iamtoldthattheretheconteststakeplaceinhandsomerooms；
thatgrey—haireddoctorswaituponthewounded，andliveriedservantsuponthehungry，andthattheaffairisconductedthroughoutwithacertainamountofpicturesqueceremony。InthemoreessentiallyGermanUniversities，wherestrangersarerareandnotmuchencouraged，thesimpleessentialsaretheonlythingskeptinview，andthesearenotofaninvitingnature。
Indeed，sodistinctlyuninvitingarethey，thatIstronglyadvisethesensitivereadertoavoideventhisdescriptionofthem。Thesubjectcannotbemadepretty，andIdonotintendtotry。
Theroomisbareandsordid；itswallssplashedwithmixedstainsofbeer，blood，andcandle—grease；itsceiling，smoky；itsfloor，sawdustcovered。Acrowdofstudents，laughing，smoking，talking，somesittingonthefloor，otherspercheduponchairsandbenchesformtheframework。
Inthecentre，facingoneanother，standthecombatants，resemblingJapanesewarriors，asmadefamiliartousbytheJapanesetea—tray。