Well，whateverthepintmightbe，thisDeuceacesawprettyclearthathe’dbeenbeatbyhisfatherathisowngame——atrappsetforhimonst，whichhadbeendefittedbymypresntsofmind——anothertrapsetafterwids，inwhichmylordhadbeensuxesfle。Now，mylord，roagashewas，wasmuchtoogood—naturedtodoanunkindackshn，mearlyforthesakeofdoingit。He’dgottothatpichthathedidn’tmindinjaries——theywereallfairplaytohim——hegave’em，andreseav’dthem，withoutathoughtofmallis。Ifhewantedtoinjerhisson，itwastobenefickhimself。Andhowwasthistohedone？Bygettingthehairisstohimself，tobesure。
TheHonrabbleMr。D。didn’tsayso;butIknewhisfeelinxwellenough——heregrettedthathehadnotgiventheoldgenlmnthemoneyheasktfor。
Poarfello！hethoughthehadhitit;buthewaswideofthemarkafterall。
Well，butwhatwastobedone？Itwasclearthathemustmarrythegalatanyrate——cootkycoot，astheFrenchsay：thatis，marryher，andhangtheigspence。
Todosohemustfirstgitoutofprisn——togetoutofprisnhemustpayhisdebts——andtopayhisdebts，hemustgiveeveryshillinghewasworth。Nevermind：fourthousandpoundisasmallstaketoareglargambler，igspeciallywhenhemustplayit，orrotforlifeinprisn;andwhen，ifheplaysitwell，itwillgivehimtenthousandayear。
So，seeingtherewasnohelpforit，hemaiduphismind，andaccordinglywrotethefollyinglettertoMissGriffin：——
\"MYADOREDMATILDA，——Yourletterhasindeedbeenacomforttoapoorfellow，whohadhopedthatthisnightwouldhavebeenthemostblessedinhislife，andnowfindshimselfcondemnedtospenditwithinaprisonwall！Youknowtheaccursedconspiracywhichhasbroughttheseliabilitiesuponme，andthefoolishfriendshipwhichhascostmesomuch。Butwhatmatters！Wehave，asyousay，enough，eventhoughImustpaythisshamefuldemanduponme;andfivethousandpoundsareasnothing，comparedtothehappinesswhichIloseinbeingseparatedanightfromthee！Courage，however！IfImakeasacrificeitisforyou;andIwereheartlessindeedifIallowedmyownlossestobalanceforamomentagainstyourhappiness。
\"Isitnotso，belovedone？ISnotyourhappinessboundupwithmine，inaunionwithme？Iamproudtothinkso——proud，too，tooffersuchahumbleproofasthisofthedepthandpurityofmyaffection。
\"Tellmethatyouwillstillbemine;tellmethatyouwillbeminetomorrow;andto—morrowthesevilechainsshallberemoved，andI
willbefreeoncemore——orifbound，onlyboundtoyou！MyadorableMatilda！mybetrothedbride！Writetomeeretheeveningcloses，forIshallneverbeabletoshutmyeyesinslumberuponmyprisoncouch，untiltheyhavebeenfirstblessedbythesightofafewwordsfromthee！Writetome，love！writetome！Ilanguishforthereplywhichistomakeormarmeforever。Youraffectionate\"A。P。D。\"
Havingpolishtoffthisepistol，masterintrustidittometocarry，andbademeatthesametimetotryandgiveitintoMissGriffin’shandalone。IranwithittoLadyGriffinses。IfoundMiss，asIdesired，inasollatarycondition;andIpresentedherwithmaster’spafewmedBilly。
Shereadit，andthenumberofsizetowhichshegavevint，andthetearswhichsheshed，beggardigscription。ShewepandsigheduntilIthoughtshewouldbust。Sheevenclasptmyhandinher’s，andsaid，\"OCharles！ishevery，verymiserable？\"
\"Heis，ma’am，\"saysI;\"verymiserableindeed——nobody，uponmyhonor，couldbemiserablerer。\"
Onhearingthispetheticremark，hermindwasmadeupatonst：andsittingdowntohereskrewtaw，sheimmediantlyableagedmasterwithananswer。Hereitisinblackandwhite：
\"Myprisonedbirdshallpinenomore，butflyhometoitsnestinthesearms！AdoredAlgernon，Iwillmeettheeto—morrow，atthesameplace，atthesamehour。Then，then，itwillbeimpossibleforaughtbutdeathtodivideus。
\"M。G。\"
Thiskindofflumrystylecomes，yousee，ofreadingnovvles，andcultivatinglitterypurshuitsinasmallway。Howmuchbetterisittobepufficklyignorantofthehartofwriting，andtotrusttothewritingoftheheart。ThisisMYstyle：artyfizIdespise，andtrustcompleatlytonatur：butrevnonganomootong，asourcontinentialfriendsremark：tothatnicewhitesheep，AlgernonPercyDeuceace，Exquire;thatwenrabbleoldram，myLordCrabshisfather;andthattenderanddellygityounglamb，MissMatildaGriffin。
Shehadjustfoaldedupintoitspropertriangularshapethenoattranscribedabuff，andIwasjustonthepointofsaying，accordingtomymaster’sorders，\"Miss，ifyouplease，theHonrabbleMr。
Deuceacewouldbeverymuchableagedtoyoutokeeptheseminarywhichistotakeplaceto—morrowaprofoundse——，\"whenmymaster’sfatherentered，andIfellbacktothedoor。Miss，withoutaword，rushtintohisarms，burstintoteersagin，aswasherreglarway（itmustbeconfestshewasofaverymistconstitution），andshowingtohimhisson’snote，cried，\"Look，mydearlord，hownoblyyourAlgernon，OURAlgernon，writestome。Whocandoubt，afterthis，ofthepurityofhismatchlessaffection？\"
Mylordtooktheletter，readit，seamedagooddealamyoused，andreturningittoitsowner，said，verymuchtomysurprise，\"MydearMissGriffin，hecertainlydoesseeminearnest;andifyouchoosetomakethismatchwithouttheconsentofyourmother—in—law，youknowtheconsequence，andareofcourseyourownmistress。\"
\"Consequences！——forshame，mylord！Alittlemoney，moreorless，whatmattersittotwoheartslikeours？\"
\"Heartsareveryprettythings，mysweetyounglady，butThree—per—
Centsarebetter。\"
\"Nay，havewenotanampleincomeofourown，withouttheaidofLadyGriffin？\"
Mylordshruggedhisshoulders。\"Beitso，mylove，\"sayshe。
\"I’msureIcanhavenootherreasontopreventaunionwhichisfoundeduponsuchdisinterestedaffection。\"
Andheretheconversationdropt。Missretired，claspingherhands，andmakingplaywiththewhitesofheri’s。Mylordbegantrottingupanddowntheroom，withhisfathandsstuckinhisbritchispockits，hiscountnincelightedupwithigstreamjoy，andsinging，tomyinordnitigstonishment：
\"Seetheconqueringherocomes！
Tiddydiddydoll——tiddydoll，doll，doll。\"
Hebegansingingthissong，andtearingupanddowntheroomlikemad。Istoodamazd——anewlightbrokeinuponme。Hewasn’tgoing，then，tomakelovetoMissGriffin！Mastermightmarryher！
Hadshenotgotthefor——？
Isay，Iwasjuststandingstockstill，myeyesfixt，myhandspuppindicklar，mymoufwideopenandtheseigstrordinarythoughtspassinginmymind，whenmylordhavinggottothelast\"doll\"ofhissong，justasIcametothesillible\"for\"ofmyventriloquism，orinwardspeech——wehadeatchjestreachedthepintdigscribed，whenthemeditationsofbothweresudnlystopt，bymylord，inthemidstofhissinginandtrottinmatch，comingboltupaginstpoarme，sendingmeupaginstoneendoftheroom，himselfflyingbacktotheother：anditwasonlyafterconsidrabbleagitationthatwewereatlengthrestoredtoanythinglikealiquilibrium。
\"What，YOUhere，youinfernalrascal？\"saysmylord。
\"Yourlordship’sverykindtonotusme，\"saysI;\"Iamhere。\"AndIgavehimalook。
HesawIknewthewholegame。
Andafterwhislingabit，aswashishabitwhenpuzzled（Ibleavehe’dhaveonlywhisledifhehadbeentoldhewastobehangedinfiveminits），afterwhislingabit，hestopssudnly，andcominguptome，says：
\"Hearkye，Charles，thismarriagemusttakeplaceto—morrow。\"
\"Mustit，sir？\"saysI;\"now，formypart，Idon’tthink——\"
\"Stop，mygoodfellow;ifitdoesnottakeplace，whatdoyougain？\"
Thisstagger’dme。Ifitdidn’ttakeplace，Ionlylostasituation，formasterhadbutjustenoughmoneytopayhisdetts;
anditwoodensootmybooktoservehiminprisnorstarving。
\"Well，\"saysmylord，\"youseetheforceofmyargument。Now，lookhere！\"andhelugsoutacrisp，fluttering，snowyHUNDRED—PUNNOTE！
\"IfmysonandMissGriffinaremarriedto—morrow，youshallhavethis;andIwill，moreover，takeyouintomyservice，andgiveyoudoubleyourpresentwages。\"
Fleshandbloodcoodenbearit。\"Mylord，\"saysI，layingmyhanduponmybusm，\"onlygivemesecurity，andI’myoursforever。\"
Theoldnoblemingrin’d，andpattidmeontheshoulder。\"Right，mylad，\"sayshe，\"right——you’reanicepromisingyouth。Hereisthebestsecurity。\"Andhepullsouthispockit—book，returnsthehundred—punbill，andtakesoutoneforfifty。\"Hereishalfto—
day;to—morrowyoushallhavetheremainder。\"
MyfingerstrembledalittleasItooktheprettyflutteringbitofpaper，aboutfivetimesasbigasanysumofmoneyIhadeverhadinmylife。Icastmyiupontheamount：itwasafiftysureenough——abankposs—bill，madepayabletoLeonoraEmiliaGriffin，andindorsedbyher。Thecatwasoutofthebag。Now，gentlereader，Isposeyoubegintoseethegame。
\"Recollect，fromthisdayyouareinmyservice。\"
\"Mylord，youoverpoarmewithyourfaviors。\"
\"Gotothedevil，sir，\"sayshe：\"doyourduty，andholdyourtongue。\"
AndthusIwentfromtheserviceoftheHonorabbleAlgernonDeuceacetothatofhisexlnsytheRightHonorabbleEarlofCrabs……
Ongoingbacktoprisn，IfoundDeuceacelockedupinthatoajusplacetowhichhisigstravygansieshaddeservedlyledhim;andfeltforhim，Imustsay，agreatdealofcontemp。Arasklesuchashe——
aswindler，whohadrobbedpoarDawkinsofthemeansofigsistance;
whohadcheatedhisfellow—roag，Mr。RichardBlewitt，andwhowasmakingamusnarymarridgewithadisgustingcreacherlikeMissGriffin，didnmeritanycompashnonmypurt;andIdeterminedquitetokeepsecretthesuckmstansiesofmyprivitintervewwithhisexlnsymypresntmaster。
IgevhimMissGriffinsestrianglar，whichhereadwithasatasfiedair。Then，turningtome，sayshe：\"YougavethistoMissGriffinalone？\"
\"Yes，sir。\"
\"Yougavehermymessage？\"
\"Yes，sir。\"
\"AndyouarequitesureLordCrabswasnottherewhenyougaveeitherthemessageorthenote？\"
\"Notthereuponmyhonor，\"saysI。
\"Hangyourhonor，sir！Brushmyhatandcoat，andgoCALLACOACH——
doyouhear？\"……
IdidasIwasordered;andoncomingbackfoundmasterinwhat’scalled，Ithink，thegreffeoftheprisn。Theofficerinwaitinghadoutagreatregister，andwastalkingtomasterintheFrenchtongue，incoarse;anumberofpoarprisnerswerelookingeagerlyon。
\"Letussee，mylor，\"sayshe;\"thedebtis98，700francs;therearecaptureexpenses，interestsomuch;andthewholesumamountstoahundredthousandfrancs，moins13。\"
Deuceace，inaverymyjesticway，takesoutofhispocketbookfourthowsndpunnotes。\"ThisisnotFrenchmoney，butIpresumethatyouknowit，M。Greffier，\"sayshe。
ThegreffierturnedroundtooldSolomon，amoney—changer，whohadoneortwoclientsintheprisn，andhapndluckilytobethere。
\"Lesbilletssontbons，\"sayshe。\"Jelesprendraipourcentmilledouzecentfrancs，etj’espere，mylor，devousrevoir。\"
\"Good，\"saysthegreffier;\"Iknowthemtobegood，andIwillgivemylorthedifference，andmakeouthisrelease。\"
Whichwasdone。Thepoardebtorsgaveafeeblecheer，asthegreatdubbleirongatesswungopenandclangtoagain，andDeuceacesteptoutandmeafterhim，tobreathethefreshhair。
Hehadbeenintheplacebutsixhours，andwasnowfreeagain——
free，andtobemarriedtotenthousandayearnexday。But，forallthat，helooktveryfaintandpale。HeHADputdownhisgreatstake;andwhenhecameoutofSaintePelagie，hehadbutfiftypoundsleftintheworld！
Nevermind——whenonstthemoney’sdown，makeyourmindeasy;andsoDeuceacedid。HedrovebacktotheHotelMirabew，whereheorderedapartminceinfinatelymoresplendidthanbefor;andIprettysoontoldToinette，andtherestofthesuvvants，hownoblyhebehayved，andhowhevalyoudfourthousndpoundnomorethanditchwater。
Andsuchwastheconsquinciesofmypraises，andthepoplarityI
gotforusboath，thatthedelightedlandladyimmediantlychargedhimdubblewhatshewouldhavedone，ifithadnbeenformystoaries。
Heorderedsplendidapartmince，then，forthenexweek;acarridge—
and—fourforFontainebleauto—morrowat12precisely;andhavingsettledallthesethings，wentquietlytothe\"RoshydeCancale，\"
wherehedined：aswellhemight，foritwasnoweighto’clock。I
didn’tsparetheshompangneitherthatnight，Icantellyou;forwhenIcarriedthenotehegavemeforMissGriffinintheevening，informingherofhisfreedom，thatyoungladyremarkedmyhagitatedmannerofwalkingandspeaking，andsaid，\"HonestCharles！heisflushtwiththeeventsoftheday。Here，Charles，isanapoleon;
takeitanddrinktoyourmistress。\"
Ipockitidit;but，Imustsay，Ididn’tlikethemoney——itwentagainstmystomicktotakeit。
CHAPTERIX。
THEMARRIAGE。
Well，thenexdaycame：at12thecarridge—and—fourwaswaitingattheambasdor’sdoar;andMissGriffinandthefaithfleKickseywerepunctialtotheapintment。
Idon’twishtodigscribethemarridgeseminary——howtheembasychaplingjinedthehandsofthislovingyoungcouple——howoneoftheembasyfootminwascalledintowitnessthemarridge——howMisswepandfaintedasusial——andhowDeuceacecarriedher，fainting，tothebrisky，anddroveofftoFontingblo，wheretheyweretopassthefustweakofthehoney—moon。Theytooknoservnts，becausetheywisht，theysaid，tobeprivit。Andso，whenIhadshutupthesteps，andbidthepostiliondriveon，IbidajewtotheHonrabbleAlgernon，andwentoffstraittohisexlentfather。
\"Isitallover，Chawls？\"saidhe。
\"Isawthemturnedoffatigsactlyaquarterpast12，mylord，\"
saysI。
\"DidyougiveMissGriffinthepaper，asItoldyou，beforehermarriage？\"
\"Idid，mylord，inthepresentsofMr。Brown，LordBobtail’sman;
whocansweartoherhavinghadit。\"
ImusttellyouthatmylordhadmademereadapaperwhichLadyGriffinhadwritten，andwhichIwascomishndtogiveinthemannermenshndabuff。Itrantothiseffect：——
\"Accordingtotheauthoritygivenmebythewillofmylatedearhusband，IforbidthemarriageofMissGriffinwiththeHonorableAlgernonPercyDeuceace。IfMissGriffinpersistsintheunion，I
warnherthatshemustabidebytheconsequencesofheract。
\"LEONORAEMILIAGRIFFIN。\"
\"RUEDERIVOLI，May8，1818。\"
WhenIgavethistoMissassheenteredthecortyard，aminnitbeforemymaster’sarrivle，sheonlyreaditcontemptiously，andsaid，\"IlaughatthethreatsofLadyGriffin;\"andshetoarthepaperintwo，andwalkedon，leaningonthearmofthefaithfulandobleagingMissKicksey。
Ipickedupthepaperforfearofaxdents，andbrotittomylord。
Notthattherewasanynecessaty;forhe’dkepacopy，andmademeandanotherwitniss（myLadyGriffin’ssolissator）readthemboth，beforehesenteitheraway。
\"Good！\"sayshe;andheprojuicedfromhispotfoliothefelloofthatbewchusfifty—punnote，whichhe’dgivenmeyesterday。\"I
keepmypromise，yousee，Charles，\"sayshe。\"YouarenowinLadyGriffin’sservice，intheplaceofMr。Fitzclarence，whoretires。
GotoFroje’s，andgetalivery。\"
\"But，mylord，\"saysI，\"IwasnottogointoLadyGriffnsesservice，accordingtothebargain，butinto——\"
\"It’sallthesamething，\"sayshe;andhewalkedoff。IwenttoMr。Froje’s，andorderedanewlivry;andfound，likwise，thatourcoachminandMunseerMortimerhadbeentheretoo。Mylady’sliverywaschanged，andwasnowofthesamecolorasmyoldcoatatMr。
Deuceace’s;andI’mblestiftherewasn’tatremenjiousgreatearl’scorronitonthebutins，instidoftheGriffinrampint，whichwaswornbefoar。
Iaskednoquestions，however，buthadmyselfmeasured;andslepthatnightatthePlasVandome。Ididn’tgooutwiththecarridgeforadayortwo，though;myladyonlytakingonefootmin，shesaid，untilHERNEWCARRIDGEwasturnedout。
Ithinkyoucanguesswhat’sinthewindNOW！
Ibotmyselfadressing—case，aboxofOdycolong，afewduzenlawnshertsandneckcloths，andotherthingswhichwerenecessaryforagenlmninmyrank。Silkstockingswasprovidedbytherulesofthehouse。AndIcompletedthebisnissbywritingthefollyingginteellettertomylatemaster：——
\"CHARLESYELLOWPLUSH，ESQUIRE，TOTHEHONORABLEA。P。DEUCEACE。
\"SUR，——SuckmstansieshaveacurdsinsIlasthadthehonnerofwatingonyou，whichrenderitimpossbilthatIshouldremaneanylongerinyoursuvvice。I’llthankyoutoleaveoutmythinx，whentheycomehomeonSattadyfromthewash。
\"Yourobeajntservnt，\"CHARLESYELLOWPLUSH。\"
\"PLASVENDOME。\"
Theathographyoftheabuvnoat，Iconfess，isatrocious;butkevoolyvoo？Iwasonlyeighteen，andhadnthentheexpearanceinwritingwhichI’veenjidesins。
Havingthusdonemyjewtyinevryway，Ishallprosead，inthenexchapter，tosaywhathapndinmynewplace。
CHAPTERX。
THEHONEY—MOON。
TheweakatFontingblowpastquicklyaway;andattheendofit，oursonanddaughter—in—law——apareofniceyoungtuttle—duvs——
returnedtotheirnest，attheHotelMirabew。IsuspeckthattheCOCKturtle—dovewaspreshossickofhisbarging。
Whentheyarriv’d，thefustthingtheyfoundontheirtablewasalargeparslewraptupinsilverpaper，andanewspaper，andacoupleofcards，tiedupwithapeaceofwhiteribbing。Intheparslewasahansumepieceofplum—cake，withadealofsugar。Onthecardswaswrote，inGoffickcharacters，EarlofCrabs。
And，inverysmallItalian，CountessofCrabs。
Andinthepaperwasthefollowingparrowgraff：——
\"MARRIAGEINHIGHLIFE。——Yesterday，attheBritishembassy，theRightHonorableJohnAugustusAltamontPlantagenet，EarlofCrabs，toLeonoraEmilia，widowofthelateLieutenant—GeneralSirGeorgeGriffin，K。C。B。AnelegantdejeunewasgiventothehappycouplebyhisExcellencyLordBobtail，whogaveawaythebride。Theeliteoftheforeigndiplomacy，thePrinceTalleyrandandMarshaltheDukeofDalmatiaonbehalfofH。M。theKingofFrance，honoredthebanquetandthemarriageceremony。LordandLadyCrabsintendpassingafewweeksatSaintCloud。\"
Theabovedockyments，alongwithmyowntrifflingbilly，ofwhichI
havealsogivnacopy，greatedMr。andMrs。DeuceaceontheirarrivlefromFontingblo。Notbeingpresent，Ican’tsaywhatDeuceacesaid;butIcanfancyhowheLOOKT，andhowpoorMrs。
Deuceacelookt。Theyweren’tmuchinclinedtorestafterthefiteegofthejunny;for，in1/2anhouraftertheirarrivalatParis，thehosseswereputtothecarridgeagen，anddowntheycamethunderingtoourcountry—houseatSt。Cloud（pronounstbythoseabsudFrenchminSingKloo），tointerrupourchastelovesanddelishsmarridgeinjyments。
Mylordwassittninacrimsonsatandressing—gown，lollingonasofaatanopenwindy，smoakingseagars，asushle;herladyship，who，toduherjustice，didnmindthesmell，occupiedanotherendoftheroom，andwasworking，inwusted，apareofslippers，oranumbrellorecase，oracoal—skittle，orsomesuchnonsints。Youwouldhavethoughttohavesean’emthattheyhadbeenmarriedasentry，atleast。Well，Ibustinuponthisconjugaltator—tator，andsaid，verymuchalarmed，\"Mylord，here’syoursonanddaughter—in—law。\"
\"Well，\"saysmylord，quitecalm，\"andwhatthen？\"
\"Mr。Deuceace！\"saysmylady，startingup，andlookingfritened。
\"Yes，mylove，myson;butyouneednotbealarmed。Pray，Charles，saythatLadyCrabsandIwillbeveryhappytoseeMr。andMrs。
Deuceace;andthattheymustexcuseusreceivingthemenfamille。
Sitstill，myblessing——takethingscoolly。Haveyougottheboxwiththepapers？\"
Myladypointedtoagreatgreenbox——thesamefromwhichshehadtakenthepapers，whenDeuceacefustsawthem，——andhandedovertomylordafinegoldkey。Iwentout，metDeuceaceandhiswifeonthestepps，gavemymessinge，andbowedthempalitelyin。
Mylorddidn’trise，butsmoakedawayasusual（prapsalittlequicker，butIcan’tsay）;myladysatupright，lookinghandsumandstrong。Deuceacewalkedin，hisleftarmtiedtohisbreast，hiswifeandhatontheother。Helookedverypaleandfrightened;hiswife，poarthing！hadherheadberriedinherhandkerchief，andsobdfittobreakherheart。
MissKicksey，whowasintheroom（butIdidn’tmentionher，shewaslessthannothinkinourhouse），wentuptoMrs。Deuceaceatonst，andheldoutherarms——shehadaheart，thatoldKicksey，andIrespectherforit。ThepoorhunchbackflungherselfintoMiss’sarms，withakindofwhoopingscreech，andkepthereforsometime，sobbinginquiteahistoricalmanner。Isawtherewasgoingtobeasean，andso，incors，leftthedoorajar。
\"WelcometoSaintCloud，Algymyboy！\"saysmylord，inaloud，heartyvoice。\"Youthoughtyouwouldgiveustheslip，eh，yourogue？Butweknewit，mydearfellow：weknewthewholeaffair——
didwenot，mysoul？——andyousee，keptoursecretbetterthanyoudidyours。\"
\"Imustconfess，sir，\"saysDeuceace，bowing，\"thatIhadnoideaofthehappinesswhichawaitedmeintheshapeofamother—in—law。\"
\"No，youdog;no，no，\"saysmylord，giggling：\"oldbirds，youknow，nottobecaughtwithchaff，likeyoungones。Buthereweare，allsplicedandhappy，atlast。Sitdown，Algernon;letussmokeasegar，andtalkovertheperilsandadventuresofthelastmonth。Mylove，\"saysmylord，turningtohislady，youhavenomaliceagainstpoorAlgernon，Itrust？PrayshakeHISHAND。\"（A
grin。）
Butmyladyroseandsaid，\"IhavetoldMr。Deuceace，thatIneverwishedtoseehim，orspeaktohim，more。Iseenoreason，now，tochangemyopinion。\"Andherewithshesailedoutoftheroom，bythedoorthroughwhichKickseyhadcarriedpoorMrs。Deuceace。
\"Well，well，\"saysmylord，asLadyCrabssweptby，\"Iwasinhopesshehadforgivenyou;butIknowthewholestory，andImustconfessyouusedhercruellyill。Twostringstoyourbow！——thatwasyourgame，wasit，yourogue？\"
\"Doyoumean，mylord，thatyouknowallthatpastbetweenmeandLadyGrif——LadyCrabs，beforeourquarrel？\"
\"Perfectly——youmadelovetoher，andshewasalmostinlovewithyou;youjiltedherformoney，shegotamantoshootyourhandoffinrevenge：nomoredice—boxes，now，Deuceace;nomoresauterlacoupe。Ican’tthinkhowthedeuceyouwillmanagetolivewithoutthem。\"
\"Yourlordshipisverykind;butIhavegivenupplayaltogether，\"
saysDeuceace，lookingmightyblackanduneasy。
\"Oh，indeed！Benedickhasturnedamoralman，hashe？Thisisbetterandbetter。Areyouthinkingofgoingintothechurch，Deuceace？\"
\"Mylord，mayIaskyoutobealittlemoreserious？\"
\"Serious！aquoibon？Iamserious——seriousinmysurprisethat，whenyoumighthavehadeitherofthesewomen，youshouldhavepreferredthathideouswifeofyours。\"
\"MayIaskyou，inturn，howyoucametobesolittlesqueamishaboutawife，astochooseawomanwhohadjustbeenmakinglovetoyourownson？\"saysDeuceace，growingfierce。
\"Howcanyouasksuchaquestion？Iowefortythousandpounds——
thereisanexecutionatSizesHall——everyacreIhaveisinthehandsofmycreditors;andthat’swhyImarriedher。Doyouthinktherewasanylove？LadyCrabsisadev’lishfinewoman，butshe’snotafool——shemarriedmeformycoronet，andImarriedherforhermoney。\"
\"Well，mylord，youneednotaskme，Ithink，whyImarriedthedaughter—in—law。\"
\"Yes，butIDO，mydearboy。Howthedeuceareyoutolive？
Dawkins’sfivethousandpoundswon’tlastforever;andafterwards？\"
\"Youdon’tmean，mylord——youdon’t——Imean，youcan’t——D———！\"
sayshe，startingup，andlosingallpatience，\"youdon’tdaretosaythatMissGriffinhadnotafortuneoftenthousandayear？\"
Mylordwasrollingup，andwettingbetwigsthislips，anothersegar;helooktup，afterhehadlightedit，andsaidquietly——
\"Certainly，MissGriffinhadafortuneoftenthousandayear。\"
\"Well，sir，andhasshenotgotitnow？Hasshespentitinaweek？\"
\"SHEHASNOTGOTASIX—PENCENOW：SHEMARRIEDWITHOUTHERMOTHER’S
CONSENT！\"
Deuceacesunkdowninachair;andIneverseesuchadreadfulpictureofdespairastherewasinthefaceofthatretchidman！——
hewrithed，andnashthisteeth，hetoreopenhiscoat，andwriggledmadlythestumpofhislefthand，until，fairlybeat，hethrewitoverhislividpaleface，andsinkingbackwards，fairlyweptalowd。
Bah！it’sadreddflethingtohearamancrying！hispashntornupfromtheveryrootsofhisheart，asitmustbebeforeitcangitsuchavent。Mylord，meanwhile，rolledhissegar，lightedit，andwenton。
\"Mydearboy，thegirlhasnotashilling。Iwishedtohaveleftyoualoneinpeace，withyourfourthousandpounds：youmighthaveliveddecentlyuponitinGermany，wheremoneyisat5percent，whereyourdunswouldnotfindyou，andacoupleofhundredayearwouldhavekeptyouandyourwifeincomfort。But，yousee，LadyCrabswouldnotlistentoit。Youhadinjuredher;and，aftershehadtriedtokillyouandfailed，shedeterminedtoruinyou，andsucceeded。ImustowntoyouthatIdirectedthearrestingbusiness，andputheruptobuyingyourprotestedbills：shegotthemforatrifle，andasyouhavepaidthem，hasmadeagoodtwothousandpoundsbyherbargain。Itwasapainfulthingtobesure，forafathertogethissonarrested;butquevoulez—vous！Ididnotappearinthetransaction：shewouldhaveyouruined;anditwasabsolutelynecessarythatYOUshouldmarrybeforeIcould，soI
pleadedyourcausewithMissGriffin，andmadeyouthehappymanyouare。Yourogue，yourogue！youthoughttomatchyouroldfather，didyou？But，nevermind;lunchwillbereadysoon。Inthemeantime，haveasegar，anddrinkaglassofSauterne。\"
Deuceace，whohadbeenlisteningtothisspeech，sprungupwildly。
\"I’llnotbelieveit，\"hesaid：\"it’salie，aninfernallie！
forgedbyyou，youhoaryvillain，andbythemurderessandstrumpetyouhavemarried。I’llnotbelieveit;showmethewill。Matilda！
Matilda！\"shoutedhe，screaminghoarsely，andflingingopenthedoorbywhichshehadgoneout。
\"Keepyourtemper，myboy。YouAREvexed，andIfeelforyou：butdon’tusesuchbadlanguage：itisquiteneedless，believeme。\"
\"Matilda！\"shoutedoutDeuceaceagain;andthepoorcrookedthingcametremblingin，followedbyMissKicksey。
\"Isthistrue，woman？\"sayshe，clutchingholdofherhand。
\"What，dearAlgernon？\"saysshe。
\"What？\"screamsoutDeuceace，——\"what？Whythatyouareabeggar，formarryingwithoutyourmother’sconsent——thatyoubaselyliedtome，inordertobringaboutthismatch——thatyouareaswindler，inconspiracywiththatoldfiendyonderandtheshe—devilhiswife？\"
\"Itistrue，\"sobbedthepoorwoman，\"thatIhavenothing;but——\"
\"Nothingbutwhat？Whydon’tyouspeak，youdrivellingfool？\"
\"Ihavenothing！——butyou，dearest，havetwothousandayear。Isthatnotenoughforus？Youlovemeformyself，don’tyou，Algernon？Youhavetoldmesoathousandtimes——saysoagain，dearhusband;anddonot，donotbesounkind。\"Andhereshesankonherknees，andclungtohim，andtriedtocatchhishand，andkissit。
\"Howmuchdidyousay？\"saysmylord。
\"Twothousandayear，sir;hehastoldussoathousandtimes。\"
\"TWOTHOUSAND！Twothou——ho，ho，ho！——haw！haw！haw！\"roarsmylord。\"Thatis，Ivow，thebestthingIeverheardinmylife。Mydearcreature，hehasnotashilling——notasinglemaravedi，byallthegodsandgoddesses。\"Andthisexlntnobleminbeganlaffinlouderthanever：averykindandfeelinggenlmnhewas，asallmustconfess。
Therewasapaws：andMrs。Deuceacedidnbegincussingandswearingatherhusbandashehaddoneather：sheonlysaid，\"OAlgernon！
isthistrue？\"andgotup，andwenttoachairandwepinquiet。
Mylordopenedthegreatbox。\"IfyouoryourlawyerswouldliketoexamineSirGeorge’swill，itisquiteatyourservice;youwillseeheretheprovisowhichImentioned，thatgivestheentirefortunetoLadyGriffin——LadyCrabsthatis：andhere，mydearboy，youseethedangerofhastyconclusions。HerladyshiponlyshowedyoutheFIRSTPAGEOFTHEWILL，ofcourse;shewantedtotryyou。
YouthoughtyoumadeagreatstrokeinatonceproposingtoMissGriffin——donotmindit，mylove，hereallylovesyounowverysincerely！——when，infact，youwouldhavedonemuchbettertohavereadtherestofthewill。Youwerecompletelybitten，myboy——
humbugged，bamboozled——ay，andbyyouroldfather，youdog。ItoldyouIwould，youknow，whenyourefusedtolendmeaportionofyourDawkinsmoney。ItoldyouIwould;andIDID。Ihadyoutheverynextday。Letthisbealessontoyou，Percymyboy;don’ttryyourluckagainagainstsucholdhands：lookdeucedwellbeforeyouleap：audialterampartem，mylad，whichmeans，readbothsidesofthewill。Ithinklunchisready;butIseeyoudon’tsmoke。
Shallwegoin？\"
\"Stop，mylord，\"saysMr。Deuceace，veryhumble：\"Ishallnotshareyourhospitality——but——butyouknowmycondition;Iampenniless——
youknowthemannerinwhichmywifehasbeenbroughtup——\"
\"TheHonorableMrs。Deuceace，sir，shallalwaysfindahomehere，asifnothinghadoccurredtointerruptthefriendshipbetweenherdearmotherandherself。\"
\"Andforme，sir，\"saysDeuceace，speakingfaint，andveryslow;\"I
hope——Itrust——Ithink，mylord，youwillnotforgetme？\"
\"Forgetyou，sir;certainlynot。\"
\"Andthatyouwillmakesomeprovision——？\"
\"AlgernonDeuceace，\"saysmylord，gettingupfromthesophy，andlookingathimwithsichajollymalignity，asIneversee，\"I
declare，beforeheaven，thatIwillnotgiveyouapenny！\"
HereuponmylordheldouthishandtoMrs。Deuceace，andsaid，\"Mydear，willyoujoinyourmotherandme？Weshallalways，asI
said，haveahomeforyou。\"
\"Mylord，\"saidthepoarthing，droppingacurtsy，\"myhomeiswithHIM！\"……
Aboutthreemonthsafter，whentheseasonwasbeginningatParis，andtheautumnleafswasontheground，mylord，mylady，meandMortimer，weretakingastroalintheBoddyBalong，thecarridgedrivingonslowlyahead，andusashappyaspossbill，admiringthepleasantwoodsandthegoldnsunset。
Mylordwasexpayshatingtomyladyupontheexquizitbeautyofthesean，andpouringforthahostofbutifleandvirtuoussentamentssootabletothehour。Itwasdalitefletohearhim。\"Ah！\"saidhe，\"blackmustbetheheart，mylove，whichdoesnotfeeltheinfluenceofascenelikethis;gatheringasitwere，fromthosesunlitskies，aportionoftheircelestialgold，andgainingsomewhatofheavenwitheachpuredraughtofthisdeliciousair！\"
LadyCrabsdidnotspeak，butpresthisarmandlookedupwards。
MortimerandI，too，feltsomeoftheinfliwentsofthesean，andlentonourgooldsticksinsilence。Thecarriagedrewupclosetous，andmylordandmyladysaunteredslowlytordsit。
Jestattheplacewasabench，andonthebenchsateapoorlydrestwoman，andbyher，leaningagainstatree，wasamanwhomIthoughtI’dseanbefor。Hewasdrestinashabbyblewcoat，withwhiteseemsandcopperbuttons;atornhatwasonhishead，andgreatquantatiesofmattedhairandwhiskersdisfiggaredhiscountnints。
Hewasnotshaved，andaspaleasstone。
Mylordandladydidntaktheslightestnoticeofhim，butpastontothecarridge。MeandMortimerlickwisetookOURplaces。Aswepast，themanhadgotagripofthewoman’sshoulder，whowasholdingdownherheadsobbingbitterly。
Nosoonerweremylordandladyseated，thantheyboth，withigstreamdellixyandgoodnatur，burstintoaroroflafter，pealuponpeal，whoopingandscreachingenoughtofrightentheeveningsilents。
DEUCEACEturnedround。Iseehisfacenow——thefaceofadevvleofhell！Fust，helookttowardsthecarridge，andpintedtoitwithhismaimedarm;thenheraisedtheother，ANDSTRUCKTHEWOMANBY
HISSIDE。Shefell，screaming。
Poorthing！Poorthing！
MR。YELLOWPLUSH’SAJEW。
TheendofMr。Deuceace’shistoryisgoingtobetheendofmycorrispondince。IwishthepublicwasassorytopartwithmeasI
amwiththepublic;becawsIfansyreelythatwe’vebecomefrends，andfealformypartabecominggreafatsayingajew。
It’simposbillformetocontinyow，however，a—writin，asIhavedone——violettingtherulesofauthography，andtramplinguponthefustprincepillsofEnglishgrammar。WhenIbegan，Iknewnobetter：whenI’dcarridonthesepapersalittlefurther，andgrewaccustmdtowritin，Ibegantosmeloutsomethinkquearinmystyle。WithinthelastsexweaksIhavebeenlearningtospell：
andwhenalltheworldwasrejoicingatthefestivvatiesofouryouthfulQuean——*whenalli’swerefixeduponherlongsweetofambasdorsandprinces，followingthesplendidcarridgeofMarshletheDukeofDamlatiar，andblinkingatthepearlsanddiminceofPrinceOystereasy——Yellowplushwasinhisloanlypantry——HISeyeswerefixtuponthespelling—book——hisheartwasbentuponmastringthediffickletiesofthelitteryprofesshn。Ihavebeen，infact，CONVERTID。
*Thiswaswrittenin1838。
Youshallherehow。Ours，youknow，isaWighouse;andeversinshisthirdsonhasgotaplaceintheTreasury，hisseckndacaptingsyintheGuards，hisfust，thesecretaryofembasyatPekin，withaprospickofbeingappintedambasdoratLooChoo——eversinsmaster’ssonshavereseavedtheseattentions，andmasterhimselfhashadthepromisofapearitch，hehasbeenthemostreglar，consistnt，honrabbleLibbaral，inoroutoftheHouseofCommins。
Well，beingaWhig，it’sthefashn，asyouknow，toreseavelitterypipple;andaccordingly，atdinner，totherday，whosenamedoyouthinkIhadtohollaroutonthefustlanding—placeaboutawickago？Afterseveraldukesandmarkiseshadbeenenounced，averygentellflydrivesuptoourdoar，andoutstepstwogentlemen。
Onewaspail，andworspektickles，awig，andawhiteneckcloth。
Theotherwasslimwithahooknose，apailfase，asmallwaist，apareoffallingshoulders，atightcoat，andacatarackofblacksattingtumblingoutofhisbusm，andfallingintoagiltvelvetweskit。Thelittlegenlmnsettledhiswigg，andpulledouthisribbins;theyoungeronefluffedthedustofhisshoes，lookedathiswhiskersinalittlepockit—glas，settledhiscrevatt;andtheybothmountedupstairs。
\"Whatname，sir？\"saysI，totheoldgenlmn。
\"Name！——a！now，youthiefo’thewurrld，\"sayshe，\"doyoupretindnattoknowME？Sayit’stheCabinetCyclopa——no，ImanetheLitheraryChran——psha！——bluthanowns！——sayit’sDOCTHORDIOCLESIAN
LARNER——Ithinkhe’llknowmenow——ay，Nid？\"ButthegenlmncalledNidwasatthebotmofthestare，andpretendedtobeverybusywithhisshoo—string。Sothelittlegenlmnwentupstaresalone。
\"DOCTORDIOLESIUSLARNER！\"saysI。
\"DOCTORATHANASIUSLARDNER！\"saysGrevilleFitz—Roy，ourseckndfootman，onthefustlanding—place。
\"DOCTORIGNATIUSLOYOLA！\"saysthegroomofthechambers，whopretendstobeascholar;andinthelittlegenlmnwent。Whensafelyhoused，theotherchapcame;andwhenIaskedhimhisname，said，inathick，gobblingkindofvoice：
\"Sawedwadgeorgeearllittnbulwig。\"
\"Sirwhat？\"saysI，quiteagastatthename。