AndthisI’veperseavedinthecorsofmyexpearantsthroughlife,thatwhenyouvexhim,aroag’snolongeraroag:youfindhimoutatonstwhenhe’sinapassion,forheshows,asitware,hisclovenfoottheveryinstntyoutreadonit。Atleast,thisiswhatYOUNGroagsdo;itrequiresverycoolbloodandlongpractistogetoverthispint,andnottoshowyourpashnwhenyoufeelitandsnarlwhenyouareangry。OldCrabswouldn’tdoit;beinglikeanothernoblemin,ofwhomIheardtheDukeofWellingtonsay,whilewaitingbehindhisgraci’schair,thatifyouwerekickinghimfrombehind,noonestandingbeforehimwouldknowit,fromthebewtiflesmilingigspreshnofhisface。Youngmasterhadn’tgotsofarinthethief’sgrammer,and,whenhewasangry,show’dit。Andit’salsotoberemarked(averyprofowndobservatinforafootmin,butwehavei’sthoughweDOwearplushbritchis),it’stoberemarked,Isay,thatoneofthesechapsismuchsoonermaidangrythananother,becausehonestmenyieldtootherpeople,roagsneverdo;
honestmenloveotherpeople,roagsonlythemselves;andtheslightestthingwhichcomesinthewayofthirbelovedobjectssetsthemfewrious。Masterhadn’tledalifeofgambling,swindling,andeverykindofdebotchtobegood—temperedattheendofit,I
prommisyou。
Hewasinapashun,andwhenheWASinapashn,amoreinsalent,insuffrable,overbearingbrootdidn’tlive。
Thiswastheverypinttowhichmyladywishedtobringhim;forI
musttellyou,thatthoughshehadbeentryingallhermighttosetmasterandtheshevalliaybytheyears,shehadsuxeadedonlysofarastomakethemhateeachprofowndly:butsomehoworother,the2coxwouldn’tFIGHT。
Idoan’tthinkDeuceaceeversuspectedanygameonthepartofherladyship,forshecarrieditonsoadmirally,thatthequarlswhichdailytookplacebetwigsthimandtheFrenchmanneverseemedtocomefromher;onthecontry,sheactedasthereglarpease—makerbetweenthem,asI’vejustshowninthetiffwhichtookplaceatthedooroftheSallyMangy。Besides,the2youngmen,thoughreddyenoughtosnarl,werenatrallyunwillingtocometobloes。
I’lltellyouwhy:beingfriends,andidle,theyspenttheirmorninsasyoungfashnabblesgenrallydo,atbilliads,fensing,riding,pistle—shooting,orsomesuchimproovingstudy。Inbilliads,masterbeattheFrenchmanhollow(andhadwonapretioussightofmoneyfromhim:butthat’sneitherherenorthere,or,astheFrenchsay,ontrynoo);atpistle—shooting,mastercouldknockdowneightimmidgesoutoften,andDel’Orgeseven;andinfensing,theFrenchmancouldpinktheHonorableAlgernondownevryoneofhisweskitbuttns。They’deachofthembeenoutmorethanonst,foreveryFrenchmanwillfight,andmasterhadbeenobleag’dtodosointhecorsofhisbisniss;andknowingeachother’scurridg,aswellasthefactthateithercouldputahundridbollsrunningintoahatat30yards,theywairntverywillingtotrysuchexparrymenceupontheirownhatswiththeirownheadsinthem。
Soyouseetheykepquiet,andonlygrouldateachother。
Butto—dayDeuceacewasinoneofhisthunderingblackhumers;andwheninthiswayhewouldn’tstopformanordevvle。Isaidthathewalkedawayfromtheshevalliay,whohadgivenhimhishandinhissuddenbustofjoyflegood—humor;andwho,Idobleave,wouldhavehugdashe—bear,soveryhappywashe。Masterwalkedawayfromhimpaleandhotty,and,takinghisseatattable,nomoormindidthebrandishmentsofMissGriffin,butonlyrepliedtothemwithapshaw,oradamatoneofusservnts,orabuseofthesoop,orthewine;cussingandswearinglikeatrooper,andnotlikeawell—bredsonofanobleBritishpeer。
\"Willyourladyship,\"sayshe,sliveringoffthewingofapullyallybashymall,\"allowmetohelpyou?\"
\"Ithankyou!no;butIwilltroubleMonsieurdel’Orge。\"Andtowardsthatgnlmnsheturned,withamosttenderandfasnatingsmile。
\"YourladyshiphastakenaverysuddenadmirationforMr。del’Orge’scarving。Youusedtolikemineonce。\"
\"Youareveryskilful;butto—day,ifyouwillallowme,Iwillpartakeofsomethingalittlesimpler。\"
TheFrenchmanhelped;and,beingsohappy,incors,spiltthegravy。Agreatblobofbrownsosspurtedontomaster’schick,andmyandreweddownhisshert—collarandvirging—whiteweskit。
\"Confoundyou!\"sayshe,\"M。del’Orge,youhavedonethisonpurpose。\"Anddownwenthisknifeandfork,overwenthistumblerofwine,adealofitintopoarMissGriffinseslap,wholookedfritenedandreadytocry。
Myladybustintoafitoflaffin,peeluponpeel,asifitwasthebestjoakintheworld。Del’Orgegiggledandgrin’dtoo。
\"Pardong,\"sayshe;\"mealpardong,mongsharemunseer。\"*Andhelookedasifhewouldhavedoneitagainforapenny。
*Inthelongdialogues,wehavegenerallyventuredtochangethepeculiarspellingofourfriendMr。Yellowplush。
ThelittleFrenchmanwasquiteinextasis;hefoundhimselfallofasuddnattheverytopofthetrea;andthelaffforonstturnedagainsthisrivle:heactialyhadtheordassatytoproposetomyladyinEnglishtotakeaglassofwine。
\"Vealyou,\"sayshe,inhisjargin,\"takeaglasofMaderevizme,miladi?\"Andhelookedround,asifhe’digsacklyhittheEnglishmannerandpronunciation。
\"Withthegreatestpleasure,\"saysLadyG。,mostgraciouslynoddingathim,andgazingathimasshedrankupthewine。She’drefusedmasterbefore,andTHISdidn’tincreasehisgood—humer。
Well,theywenton,mastersnarling,snapping,andswearing,makinghimself,Imustconfess,asmuchofablaggardasanyIeversee;
andmyladyemployinghertimebetwigsthimandtheshevalliay,doingeverythinktoirritatemaster,andflattertheFrenchmn。
Desertcame:andbythistime,Misswasstock—stillwithfright,thechevaleerhalftipsywithpleasureandgratafiedvannaty,myladypufficklyraygentwithsmilesandmasterbloowithrage。
\"Mr。Deuceace,\"saysmylady,inamostwinningvoice,afteralittlechaffing(inwhichsheonlyworkedhimupmoarandmoar),\"mayItroubleyouforafewofthosegrapes?theylookdelicious。\"
Foranswer,masterseas’dholdofthegraypdish,andsentitslidingdownthetabletoDel’Orge;upsetting,inhisway,fruit—
plates,glasses,dickanters,andheavenknowswhat。
\"Monsieurdel’Orge,\"sayshe,shoutingoutatthetopofhisvoice,\"havethegoodnesstohelpLadyGriffin。ShewantedMY
grapeslongago,andhasfoundouttheyaresour!\"……
Therewasadeadpawsofamomentorso……
\"Ah!\"saysmylady,\"vousosezm’insulter,devantmesgens,dansmapropremaison——c’estpartropfort,monsieur。\"Andupshegot,andflungoutoftheroom。Missfollowedher,screechingout,\"Mamma——
forGod’ssake——LadyGriffin!\"andherethedoorslammedonthepair。
HerladyshipdidverywelltospeakFrench。DEL’ORGEWOULDNOT
HAVEUNDERSTOODHERELSE;asitwasheheardquiteenough;andasthedoorclikttoo,inthepresentsofme,andMesseersMortimerandFitzclarence,thefamilyfootmen,hewalksroundtomymaster,andhitshimaslapontheface,andsays,\"prendsca,menteuretlache!\"whichmeans,\"Takethat,youliarandcoward!\"——raytherstrongigspreshnsforonegenlmntousetoanother。
Masterstaggeredbackandlookedbewildered;andthenhegaveakindofascream,andthenhemadearunattheFrenchman,andthenmeandMortimerflungourselvesuponhim,whilstFitzclarenceembracedtheshevalliay。
\"Ademain!\"sayshe,clinchinghislittlefist,andwalkingaway,notverysorrytogitoff。
Whenhewasfairlydownstares,weletgoofmaster:whoswallowedagoblitofwater,andthenpawsingalittleandpullouthispus,hepresentedtoMesseersMortimerandFitzclarencealuydoreach。
\"Iwillgiveyoufivemoreto—morrow,\"sayshe,\"ifyouwillpromisetokeepthissecrit。\"
Andthenhewalkedintotheladies。\"Ifyouknew,\"sayshe,goinguptoLadyGriffin,andspeakingveryslow(incorswewereallatthekeyhole),\"thepainIhaveenduredinthelastminute,inconsequenceoftherudenessandinsolenceofwhichIhavebeenguiltytoyourladyship,youwouldthinkmyownremorsewaspunishmentsufficient,andwouldgrantmepardon。\"
Myladybowed,andsaidshedidn’twishforexplanations。Mr。
Deuceacewasherdaughter’sguest,andnothers;butshecertainlywouldneverdemeanherselfbysittingagainattablewithhim。Andsosayingoutsheboltidagain。
\"Oh!Algernon!Algernon!\"saysMiss,inteers,\"whatisthisdreadfulmystery——thesefearfulshockingquarrels?Tellme,hasanythinghappened?Where,whereisthechevalier?\"
Mastersmiledandsaid,\"Beundernoalarm,mysweetestMatilda。
Del’Orgedidnotunderstandawordofthedispute;hewastoomuchinloveforthat。Heisbutgoneawayforhalfanhour,Ibelieve;
andwillreturntocoffee。\"
Iknewwhatmaster’sgamewas,forifmisshadgotahinklingofthequarrelbetwigsthimandtheFrenchman,weshouldhavehadherscreemingatthe\"HotelMirabeu,\"andthejuiceandalltopay。Heonlystoptforafewminnitsandcumfittedher,andthendroveofftohisfriend,CaptainBullseye,oftheRifles;withwhom,Ispose,hetalkedoverthisunplesntbisniss。Wefownd,atourhotel,anotefromDel’Orge,sayingwherehisseckndwastobeseen。
TwomorningsaftertherewasaparrowgrafinGallynanny’sMessinger,whichIhearbegleaftotranscribe:——
\"FEARFULDUEL。——Yesterdaymorning,atsixo’clock,ameetingtookplace,intheBoisdeBoulogne,betweentheHon。A。P。D——ce—ce,ayoungersonoftheEarlofCr—bs,andtheChevalierdel’O———。ThechevalierwasattendedbyMajordeM———,oftheRoyalGuard,andtheHon。Mr。D———byCaptainB—lls—ye,oftheBritishRifleCorps。
Asfaraswehavebeenabletolearntheparticularsofthisdeplorableaffair,thedisputeoriginatedinthehouseofalovelylady(oneofthemostbrilliantornamentsofourembassy),andthedueltookplaceonthemorningensuing。
\"Thechevalier(thechallengedparty,andthemostaccomplishedamateurswordsmaninParis)waivedhisrightofchoosingtheweapons,andthecombattookplacewithpistols。
\"Thecombatantswereplacedatfortypaces,withdirectionstoadvancetoabarrierwhichseparatedthemonlyeightpaces。Eachwasfurnishedwithtwopistols。Monsieurdel’O———firedalmostimmediately,andtheballtookeffectintheleftwristofhisantagonist,whodroppedthepistolwhichheheldinthathand。Hefired,however,directlywithhisright,andthechevalierfelltotheground,wefearmortallywounded。Aballhasenteredabovehiship—joint,andthereisverylittlehopethathecanrecover。
\"WehaveheardthatthecauseofthisdesperateduelwasablowwhichthechevalierventuredtogivetotheHon。Mr。D。Ifso,thereissomereasonfortheunusualanddeterminedmannerinwhichtheduelwasfought。
\"Mr。Deu——a—ereturnedtohishotel;whitherhisexcellentfather,theRightHon。EarlofCr—bs,immediatelyhastenedonhearingofthesadnews,andisnowbestowingonhissonthemostaffectionateparentalattention。Thenewsonlyreachedhislordshipyesterdayatnoon,whileatbreakfastwithhisExcellencyLordBobtail,ourambassador。Thenobleearlfaintedonreceivingtheintelligence;
butinspiteoftheshocktohisownnervesandhealth,persistedinpassinglastnightbythecouchofhisson。\"
Andsohedid。\"Thisisasadbusiness,Charles,\"saysmylordtome,afterseeinghisson,andsettlinghimselfdowninoursalong。
\"Haveyouanysegarsinthehouse?Andharkye,sendmeupabottleofwineandsomeluncheon。Icancertainlynotleavetheneighborhoodofmydearboy。\"
CHAPTERVII。
THECONSQUINSIES。
Theshevalliaydidnotdie,fortheballcameoutofitsownaccord,inthemidstofaviolentfeverandinflamayshnwhichwasbrotonbythewound。Hewaskeptinbedfor6weeksthough,anddidnotrecoverforalongtimeafter。
Asformaster,hislot,I’msorrytosay,waswussthanthatofhisadvisary。Inflammationcameontoo;and,tomakeanuglystoryshort,theywereobligedtotakeoffhishandattherist。
Heboreit,incors,likeaTrojin,andinamonthhetoowaswell,andhiswoundheel’d;butIneverseeamanlooksolikeadevvleasheusedsometimes,whenhelookeddownatthestump!
Tobesure,inMissGriffinseseyes,thisonlyindeerdhimthemor。
Shesenttwentynoatsadaytoaskforhim,callinghimherbeloved,herunfortunat,herhero,herwictim,andIdonowhat。
I’vekepsomeofthenoats,asItellyou,andcuriouslysentimentletheyare,beatingthesorrowsofMacWhirteralltonothing。
OldCrabsusedtocomeoffen,andconsumedapowerofwineandseagarsatourhouse。IbleavehewasatParisbecausetherewasanexycutioninhisownhouseinEngland;andhissonwasasurefind(astheysay)duringhisillness,andcouldn’tdenyhimselftotheoldgenlmn。HiseveninxmylordspentreglaratLadyGriffin’s;
where,asmasterwasill,Ididn’tgoanymorenow,andwheretheshevalierwasn’ttheretodisturbhim。
\"Youseehowthatwomanhatesyou,Deuceace,\"saysmylord,oneday,inafitofcander,aftertheyhadbeentalkingaboutLadyGriffin:\"SHEHASNOTDONEWITHYOUYET,Itellyoufairly。\"
\"Curseher,\"saysmaster,inafury,liftinguphismaim’darm——
\"curseher!butIwillbeevenwithheroneday。IamsureofMatilda:Itookcaretoputthatbeyondthereachofafailure。
Thegirlmustmarryme,forherownsake。\"
\"FORHEROWNSAKE!Oho!Good,good!\"Mylordliftedhisi’s,andsaidgravely,\"Iunderstand,mydearboy:itisanexcellentplan。\"
\"Well,\"saysmaster,grinningfearcelyandknowinglyathisexlentoldfather,\"asthegirlissafe,whatharmcanIfearfromthefiendofastep—mother?\"
Mylordonlygevalongwhizzle,and,soonafter,takinguphishat,walkedoff。IsawhimsawnterdownthePlasVandome,andgoinquitecalmlytotheolddoorofLadyGriffinseshotel。Blesshisoldface!suchapufficklygood—natured,kind—hearted,merry,selfisholdscoundrel,Inevershallseeagain。
Hislordshipwasquiterightinsayingtomasterthat\"LadyGriffinhadn’tdonewithhim。\"Nomoarshehad。Butsheneverwouldhavethoughtofthenexgameshewasgoingtoplay,IFSOMEBODYHADN’T
PUTHERUPTOIT。Whodid?Ifyouredtheabovepassidge,andsawhowavenrabbleoldgenlmntookhishat,andsauntereddownthePlasVandome(lookinghardandkindatallthenussary—maids——bunstheycalltheminFrance——intheway),Ileaveyoutoguesswhowastheauthorofthenexscheam:awoman,suttnly,neverwouldhavepitchtonit。
InthefusspayperwhichIwroteconcerningMr。Deuceace’sadventers,andhiskindbehayviortoMessrs。DawkinsandBlewitt,Ihadthehonoroflayingbeforethepublicaskidewlofmymaster’sdetts,inwitchwasthefollowingitim:
\"BillsofxchangeandI。O。U。’s,4963L。0s。0d。\"
TheI。O。U。seweretrifling,sayathowsndpound。Thebillsamountidtofourthowsndmoar。
Now,thelorisinFrance,thatifagenlmngivestheseinEngland,andaFrenchgenlmngitstheminanyway,hecanpursewtheEnglishmanwhohasdrawnthem,eventhoughheshouldbeinFrance。
Masterdidnotknowthisfact——laboringunderaverycommonmistak,that,whenonstoutofEngland,hemightwissleatallthedebtsheleftbehindhim。
MyLadyGriffinsentovertoherslissatorsinLondon,whomadearrangemintswiththepersonswhopossestthefinecollectionofortografsonstamptpaperwhichmasterhadleftbehindhim;andtheyweregladenufftotakeanyoppertunityofgettingbacktheirmoney。
Onefinemorning,asIwaslookingaboutinthecourt—yardofourhotel,talkingtotheservant—gals,aswasmyreglarcustom,inordertoimprovemyselfintheFrenchlanguidge,oneofthemcomesuptomeandsays,\"Tenez,MonsieurCharles,downbelowintheofficethereisabailiff,withacoupleofgendarmes,whoisaskingforyourmaster——a—t—ildesdettesparhasard?\"
Iwasstruckallofaheap——thetruthflashtonmymind’shi。
\"Toinette,\"saysI,forthatwasthegal’sname——\"Toinette,\"saysI,givingherakiss,\"keepthemfortwominits,asyouvalyoumyaffeckshn;\"andthenIgaveheranotherkiss,andranupstarestoourchambers。Masterhadnowprettywellrecoveredofhiswound,andwasaloudtodriveabowt:itwasluckyforhimthathehadthestrengthtomove。\"Sir,sir,\"saysI,\"thebailiffsareafteryou,andyoumustrunforyourlife。\"
\"Bailiff?\"sayshe:\"nonsense!Idon’t,thankheaven,oweashillingtoanyman。\"
\"Stuff,sir,\"saysI,forgettingmyrespeck;\"don’tyouowemoneyinEngland?Itellyouthebailiffsarehere,andwillbeonyouinamoment。\"
AsIspoke,clingcling,lingling,goesthebelloftheantyshamber,andtheretheyweresureenough!
Whatwastobedone?Quickaslitening,Ithrowsoffmylivrycoat,clapsmygooldlacehatonmaster’shead,andmakeshimputonmylivry。ThenIwrapsmyselfupinhisdressing—gown,andlollingdownonthesofa,bidshimopenthedor。
Theretheywere——thebailiff——twojondarmswithhim——Toinette,andanoldwaiter。WhenToinetteseesmaster,shesmiles,andsays:
\"Disdonc,Charles!ouestdonctonmaitre?Chezlui,n’est—cepas?C’estlejeuneamonsieur,\"saysshe,curtsyingtothebailiff。
Theoldwaiterwasjusta—goingtoblurtout,\"Maiscen’estpas!\"
whenToinettestopshim,andsays,\"Laissezdoncpassercesmessieurs,vieuxbete;\"andintheywalk,the2jond’armstakingtheirpostinthehall。
Masterthrowsopenthesalongdoarverygravely,andtouchingMY
hatsays,\"Haveyouanyordersaboutthecab,sir?\"
\"Why,no,Chawls,\"saysI;\"Ishan’tdriveoutto—day。\"
Theoldbailiffgrinned,forheunderstoodEnglish(havinghadplentyofEnglishcustomers),andsaysinFrench,asmastergoesout,\"Ithink,sir,youhadbetterletyourservantgetacoach,forIamunderthepainfulnecessityofarrestingyou,aunomdelaloi,forthesumofninety—eightthousandsevenhundredfrancs,owedbyyoutotheSieurJacquesFrancoisLebrun,ofParis;\"andhepullsoutanumberofbills,withmaster’sacceptancesonthemsureenough。
\"Takeachair,sir,\"saysI;anddownhesits;andIbegantochaffhim,aswellasIcould,abouttheweather,myillness,mysadaxdent,havinglostoneofmyhands,whichwasstuckintomybusum,andsoon。
Atlast,afteraminnitortwo,Icouldcontanenolonger,andbustoutinahorselaff。
Theoldfellowturnedquitepail,andbegantosuspectsomethink。
\"Hola!\"sayshe;\"gendarmes!amoi!amoi!Jesuisfloue,vole,\"
whichmeans,inEnglish,thathewasreglarsold。
Thejondarmesjumpedintotheroom,andsodidToinetteandthewaiter。Graseflyrisingfrommyarm—chare,Itookmyhandfrommydressing—gownd,and,flingingitopen,stuckuponthechaironeoftheneatestlegseverseen。
Ithenpintedmajestickly——towhatdoyouthink?——tomyPLUSH
TITES!thosesellabratedinigspressableswhichhaverenderedmefamousinYourope。
Takingthehint,thejondarmesandtheservntsrordoutlaffing;
andsodidCharlesYellowplush,Esquire,Icantellyou。OldGrippardthebailifflookedasifhewouldfaintinhischare。
Iheardakabgallopinglikemadoutofthehotel—gate,andknewthenthatmymasterwassafe。
CHAPTERVIII。
THEENDOFMR。DEUCEACE’SHISTORY。LIMBO。
Mytailisdroringrabidlytoaclose;mysuvvicewithMr。Deuceacedidn’tcontinyouverylongafterthelastchapter,inwhichI
describedmyadmiralstrattyjam,andmysinglarself—devocean。
There’sveryfewservnts,Icantellyou,who’dhavethoughtofsuchacontrivance,andveryfewmoarwouldhaveeggsycuteditwhenthoughtof。
But,afterall,beyondthetriflingadvantichtomyselfinsellingmaster’sroabdesham,whichyou,gentlereader,mayrememberI
woar,andindixcoveringafipunnoteinoneofthepockets,——
beyondthis,Isay,therewastopoarmasterverylittleadvantichinwhathadbeendone。It’struehehadescaped。Verygood。ButFransisnotlikeGreatBrittin;amaninalivrycoat,with1arm,isprettyeasilyknown,andcaught,too,asIcantellyou。
Suchwasthecasewithmaster。HecoodnleaveParis,moarover,ifhewould。Whatwastobecome,inthatcase,ofhisbride——hisunchbackedhairis?Heknewthatyounglady’stemprimong(astheParisherssay)toowelltoletherlongoutofhissite。Shehadninethousandayer。She’dbeeninloveaduzntimesbefor,andmitebeagin。TheHonrabbleAlgernonDeuceacewasalittletoowideawaketotrustmuchtotheconstnsyofsoveryinflammableayoungcreacher。Heavnblessus,itwasamarycleshewasn’tearliermarried!Idobleave(fromsuttnseansthatpastbetwigstus)thatshe’dhavemarriedme,ifshehadn’tbeensejuicedbythesupearorrankandindianuityofthegenlmninwhosesurvaceIwas。
Well,touseacomminigspreshn,thebeakswereafterhim。Howwashetomanitch?Hecoodngetawayfromhisdebts,andhewoodenquitthefareobjictofhisaffeckshns。Hewasableejd,then,astheFrenchsay,tolieperdew,——goingoutatnight,likeahowloutofahivy—bush,andreturninginthedaytimetohisroast。ForitsamaxuminFrance(andIwooditwerefollowedinIngland),thatafterdarknomanislibleforhisdetts;andinanyoftheroyalgardens——theTwillaries,thePallyRoil,ortheLucksimbug,forexample——amanmaywanderfromsunrisetoevening,andhearnothingoftheojusdunns:theyan’tadmittedintotheseplacesofpublicenjymentandrondyvooanymorethandogs;thecenturiesatthegarden—gateshavingorderstoshuitallsuch。
Master,then,wasinthisuncomfrablesituation——neitherlikingtogonortostay!peepingoutatnightstohaveaninterviewwithhismiss;ableagdtoshuffleoffherrepeatedquestionsastothereasonofallthisdisgeise,andtotalkofhistwothowsndayearjestasifhehaditanddidn’toweashillingintheworld。
Ofcourse,now,hebegantogrowmightyeagerforthemarritch。
Heroatasmanynoatsasshehaddonebefor;swoaragainstdelayandcerymony;talkedofthepleasuresofHyming,theardshipthattheardoroftwoartsshouldbeallowedtoigspire,thefollyofwaitingfortheconsentofLadyGriffin。Shewasbutastep—
mother,andanunkindone。Misswas(hesaid)amajor,mightmarrywhomsheliked;andsuttnlyhadpaidLadyG。quiteasmuchattentionassheought,bypayingherthecomplimenttoaskheratall。
Andsotheywenton。Thecuriousthingwas,thatwhenmasterwaspressedabouthiscausefornotcomingouttillnight—time,hewasmisterus;andMissGriffin,whenaskedwhyshewoodenmarry,igsprest,orrather,DIDN’Tigspress,asimlarsecrasy。Wasn’tithard?thecupseemedtobeatthelipofbothof’em,andyetsomehow,theycouldnotmanitchtotakeadrink。
Butonemorning,inreplytoamostdespratepistolwrotebymymasterovernight,Deuceace,delighted,gitsananswerfromhissoal’sbeluffd,whichranthus:——
MISSGRIFFINTOTHEHON。A。P。DEUCEACE。
\"DEAREST,——Yousayyouwouldshareacottagewithme;thereisnoneed,luckily,forthat!Youpleadthesadsinkingofyourspiritsatourdelayedunion。Beloved,doyouthinkMYheartrejoicesatourseparation?YoubidmedisregardtherefusalofLadyGriffin,andtellmethatIowehernofurtherduty。
\"AdoredAlgernon!Icanrefuseyounomore。Iwaswillingnottoloseasinglechanceofreconciliationwiththisunnaturalstep—
mother。Respectforthememoryofmysaintedfatherbidmedoallinmypowertogainherconsenttomyunionwithyou:nay,shallI
ownit?prudencedictatedthemeasure;fortowhomshouldsheleavetheshareofmoneyaccordedtoherbymyfather’swillbuttomyfather’schild。
\"Butthereareboundsbeyondwhichnoforbearancecango;and,thankheaven,wehavenoneedoflookingtoLadyGriffinforsordidwealth:wehaveacompetencywithouther。Isitnotso,dearestAlgernon?
\"Beitasyouwish,then,dearest,bravest,andbest。YourpoorMatildahasyieldedtoyouherheartlongago;shehasnolongerneedtokeepbackhername。Namethehour,andIwilldelaynomore;butseekforrefugeinyourarmsfromthecontumelyandinsultwhichmeetmeeverhere。
\"MATILDA。
\"P。S。Oh,Algernon!ifyoudidbutknowwhatanoblepartyourdearfatherhasactedthroughout,indoinghisbestendeavorstofurtherourplans,andtosoftenLadyGriffin!Itisnothisfaultthatsheisinexorableassheis。IsendyouanotesentbyhertoLordCrabs;wewilllaughatitsoon,n’est—cepas?
II。
\"MYLORD,——InreplytoyourdemandforMissGriffin’shand,infavorofyourson,Mr。AlgernonDeuceace,IcanonlyrepeatwhatI
beforehavebeenunderthenecessityofstatingtoyou,——thatIdonotbelieveaunionwithapersonofMr。Deuceace’scharacterwouldconducetomystepdaughter’shappiness,andthereforeREFUSEMY
CONSENT。IwillbegyoutocommunicatethecontentsofthisnotetoMr。Deuceace;andimploreyounomoretotouchuponasubjectwhichyoumustbeawareisdeeplypainfultome。
\"Iremainyourlordship’smosthumbleservant,\"L。E。GRIFFIN。
\"THERIGHTHON。THEEARLOFCRABS。\"
\"Hangherladyship!\"saysmymaster,\"whatcareIforit?\"Asfortheoldlordwho’dbeensoafishousinhiskindnessandadvice,masterrecknsiledthatprettywell,withthinkingthathislordshipknewhewasgoingtomarrytenthousandayear,andigspectedtogetsomeshareofit;forheroatbackthefollowinglettertohisfather,aswellasaflamingonetoMiss:
\"Thankyou,mydearfather,foryourkindnessinthatawkwardbusiness。YouknowhowpainfullyIamsituatedjustnow,andcanprettywellguessBOTHTHECAUSESofmydisquiet。AmarriagewithmybelovedMatildawillmakemethehappiestofmen。Thedeargirlconsents,andlaughsatthefoolishpretensionsofhermother—in—
law。Totellyouthetruth,Iwondersheyieldedtothemsolong。
Carryyourkindnessastepfurther,andfindforusaparson,alicense,andmakeustwointoone。Wearebothmajor,youknow;sothattheceremonyofaguardian’sconsentisunnecessary。
\"Youraffectionate\"ALGERNONDEUCEACE。
\"HowIregretthatdifferencebetweenussometimeback!Mattersarechangednow,andshallbemorestillAFTERTHEMARRIAGE。\"
Iknewwhatmymastermeant,——thathewouldgivetheoldlordthemoneyafterhewasmarried;andasitwasprobblethatmisswouldseetheletterheroat,hemadeitsuchasnottoletherseetwoclearlyintohispresentuncomfrablesituation。
ItookthisletteralongwiththetenderoneforMiss,readingbothof’em,incourse,bytheway。Miss,ongettinghers,gaveaninegspressablelookwiththewhiteofheri’s,kisttheletter,andprestittoherbusm。LordCrabsreadhisquitecalm,andthentheyfella—talkingtogether;andtoldmetowaitawhile,andI
shouldgitananser。
Afteradealofcounseltation,mylordbroughtoutacard,andtherewassimplywrittenonit,To—morrow,attheAmbassador’s,atTwelve。
\"Carrythatbacktoyourmaster,Chawls,\"sayshe,\"andbidhimnottofail。\"
YoumaybesureIsteptbacktohimprettyquick,andgavehimthecardandthemessinge。Masterlookedsattasfiedwithboth;butsuttnlynotoverhappy;nomanisthedaybeforehismarridge;muchmorehismarridgewithahump—back,Harrissthoughshebe。
Well,ashewasa—goingtodepartthisbachelorlife,hedidwhateverymaninsuchsuckmstancesoughttodo;hemadehiswill,——thatis,hemadeadispasitionofhisproperty,andwroteletterstohiscreditorstellingthemofhisluckychance;andthatafterhismarridgehewouldsutnlypaythemeverystiver。BEFORE,theymustknowhispovvatywellenoughtobesurethatpaymintwasoutofthequestion。
Todohimjustas,heseam’dtobeinclinedtodothethingthatwasright,nowthatitdidn’tputhimtoanyinkinvenientstodoso。
\"Chawls,\"sayshe,handingmeoveratenpun—note,\"here’syourwagis,andthankyouforgettingmeoutofthescrapewiththebailiffs:whenyouaremarried,youshallbemyvaletoutofliv’ry,andI’lltrebleyoursalary。\"
Hisvallit!prapshisbutler!Yes,thoughtI,here’sachance——avallittotenthousandayear。Nothingtodobuttoshavehim,andreadhisnotes,andletmywhiskersgrow;todressinspickandspanblack,andacleanshutperday;muffingseverynightinthehousekeeper’sroom;thepickofthegalsintheservants’hall;achaptocleanmybootsforme,andmymaster’soperabonereglaronceaweek。Iknewwhatavallitwasaswellasanygenlmninservice;andthisIcantellyou,he’sgenrallyahapier,idler,handsomer,morgenlmnlymanthanhismaster。Hehasmoremoneytospend,forgenlmnWILLleavetheirsilverintheirwaistcoatpockets;moresuxessamongthegals;asgooddinners,andasgoodwine——thatis,ifhe’sfriendswiththebutler:andfriendsincorsetheywillbeiftheyknowwhichwaytheirinterestlies。
Buttheseareonlycasselsintheair,whattheFrenchcallshutterd’Espang。Itwasn’troatinthebookoffatethatIwastobeMr。
Deuceace’svallit。
Dayswillpassatlast——evendaysbeforawedding,(thelongistandunpleasantistdayinthewholeofaman’slife,Icantellyou,excep,maybe,thedaybeforehishanging);andatlengthAroarerdawnedonthesuspiciousmorningwhichwastouniteinthebondsofHymingtheHonrableAlgernonPercyDeuceace,Exquire,andMissMatildaGriffin。Mymaster’swardrobewasn’tsorichasithadbeen;forhe’dleftthewholeofhisnicknaxandtrumpryofdressing—casesandrobdyshams,hisbewtiflemuseumofvarnishedboots,hiscurouscolleckshnofStulzandStaubcoats,whenhehadbeenableagedtoquitsosuddnlyourporedearlodginxattheHotelMirabew;andbeingincogatafriend’shouse,adcontentidhimselfwithordringacoopleofshootsofclovesfromacommontailor,withasuffishntquantatyoflinning。
Well,heputonthebestofhiscoats——ablue;andIthoughtitmydutytoaskhimwhetherhe’dwanthisfrockagain:hewasgoodnaturedandsaid,\"Takeitandbehangedtoyou。\"Half—pasteleveno’clockcame,andIwassenttolookoutatthedoor,iftherewereanysuspiciouscharicters(apreciousgoodnoseIhavetofindabailiffout,Icantellyou,andaniwhichwillalmostseeoneroundacorner);andpresenlyaverymodestgreenglasscoachdroaveup,andinmasterstept。Ididn’tincorse,appearonthebox;because,beingknown,myappearintsmighthavecompromisedmaster。ButItookashortcut,andwalkedasquickasposbildowntotheRuedeFoburgSt。Honore,wherehisexlnsytheEnglishambasdorlives,andwheremarridgesarealwaysperformedbetwigstEnglishfolkatParis……
Thereis,almostnexdoortotheambasdor’shotel,anotherhotel,ofthatlokindwhichtheFrenchcallcabbyrays,orwine—houses;
andjestasmaster’sgreenglass—coachpulledup,anothercoachdroveoff,outofwhichcametwoladies,whomIknewprettywell,——
suffiz,thatonehadahumpback,andtheingeniousreaderwillknowwhySHEcamethere;theotherwaspoorMissKicksey,whocametoseeherturnedoff。
Well,master’sglass—coachdroavup,jestasIgotwithinafewyardsofthedoor;ourcarridge,Isay,droavup,andstopt。Downgitscoachmintoopenthedoor,andcomesItogiveMr。Deuceaceanarm,whenoutofthecabarayshootfourfellows,anddrawupbetwigstthecoachandembassy—doar;twootherchapsgototheotherdoarofthecarridge,and,openingit,onesays——\"Rendez—
vous,M。Deuceace!Jevousarreteaunomdelaloi!\"(whichmeans,\"Getoutofthat,Mr。D。;youarenabbedandnomistake。\")Masterturnedgashlypail,andsprungtotheothersideofthecoach,asifaserpinthadstunghim。Heflungopenthedoor,andwasformakingoffthatway;buthesawthefourchapsstandingbetwigstlibbartyandhim。Heslamsdownthefrontwindow,andscreamsout,\"Fouettez,cocher!\"(whichmeans,\"Goit,coachmm!\"inadespertloudvoice;butcoachminwoodengoit,andbesideswasoffhisbox。
Thelongandshortofthematterwas,thatjestasIcameuptothedoortwoofthebumsjumpedintothecarridge。Isawall;Iknewmyduty,andsoverymornflyIgotupbehind。
\"Tiens,\"saysoneofthechapsinthestreet;\"c’estcedrolequinousaflourel’autrejour。\"Iknew’em,butwastoomelumcollytosmile。
\"Ouirons—nousdonc?\"sayscoachmintothegenlmnwhohadgotinside。
Adeepwoicefromtheintearorshoutedout,inreplytothecoachmin,\"ASAINTEPELAGIE!\"……
Andnow,praps,IottodixcribetoyouthehumorsofthepriznofSaintePelagie,whichistheFrenchforFleat,orQueen’sBentch:
butonthissubjectI’mrathershyofwriting,partlybecausetheadmiralBozhas,inthehistoryofMr。Pickwick,madesuchadixcripshunofaprizn,thatminewoodenreadveryamyousinglyafterwids;and,also,because,totellyouthetruth,Ididn’tstaylonginit,beingnotinahumertowaistmyigsistancebypassingawaytheearsofmyyouthinsuchadullplace。
Myfusterrintnowwas,asyoumayphansy,tocarryanoatfrommastertohisdestinedbride。Thepoarthingwassadlytakenaback,asIcantellyou,whenshefound,afterremainingtwohoursattheEmbassy,thatherhusbanddidn’tmakehisappearance。Andso,afterstayingonandon,andyetseeingnohusband,shewasforsedatlasttotrudgedishconslithome,whereIwasalreadywaitingforherwithaletterfrommymaster。
Therewasnousenowdenyingthefactofhisarrest,andsoheconfestitatonst:buthemadeacock—and—bullstoryoftreacheryofafriend,infimousfodgery,andheavenknowswhat。However,itdidn’tmattermuch;ifhehadtoldherthathehadbeenbetrayedbythemaninthemoon,shewouldhavebleavdhim。
LadyGriffinneverusedtoappearnowatanyofmyvisits。Shekeponedrawing—room,andMissdinedandlivedaloneinanother;theyquarldsomuchthatprapsitwasbesttheyshouldliveapart;onlymyLordCrabsusedtoseeboth,comfortingeachwiththatwinningandinnsntwayhehad。HecameinasMiss,intears,waslisningtomyaccountofmaster’sseazure,andhopingthattheprisnwasn’tahorridplace,withanastyhorriddunjeon,andadreadflejailer,andnastyhorridbreadandwater。Lawblessus!shehadborrodherideersfromthenovvlesshehadbeenreading!
\"Omylord,mylord,\"saysshe,\"haveyouheardthisfatalstory?\"
\"DearestMatilda,what?Forheaven’ssake,youalarmme!What——
yes——no——isit——no,itcan’tbe!Speak!\"saysmylord,seizingmebythecholerofmycoat。\"Whathashappenedtomyboy?\"
\"Pleaseyou,mylord,\"saysI,\"he’satthismomentinprisn,nowuss,——havingbeenincarseratedabouttwohoursago。\"
\"Inprison!Algernoninprison!’tisimpossible!Imprisoned,forwhatsum?Mentionit,andIwillpaytotheutmostfarthinginmypower。\"
\"I’msureyourlordshipisverykind,\"saysI(recklectingtheseanbetwixgsthimandmaster,whomhewantedtodiddiloutofathowsandlb。);\"andyou’llhehappytohearhe’sonlyinforatrifle。Fivethousandpoundis,Ithink,prettynearthemark。\"
\"Fivethousandpounds!——confusion!\"saysmylord,claspinghishands,andlookinguptoheaven,\"andIhavenotfivehundred!
DearestMatilda,howshallwehelphim?\"
\"Alas,mylord,Ihavebutthreeguineas,andyouknowhowLadyGriffinhasthe——\"
\"Yes,mysweetchild,Iknowwhatyouwouldsay;butbeofgoodcheer——Algernon,youknow,hasamplefundsofhisown。\"
ThinkingmylordmeantDawkins’sfivethousand,ofwhich,tobesure,agoodlumpwasleft,Iheldmytung;butIcoodenhelpwonderingatLordCrabs’sigstreamcompashnforhisson,andMiss,withher10,000L。ayear,havingonly3guineasisherpockit。
Itookhome(blessus,whatahome!)alongandveryinflambleletterfromMiss,inwhichshedixscribedherownsorroratthedisappointment;swoarshelov’dhimonlythemoarforhismisfortns;madelightofthem;asapussonforapaltrysumoffivethousandpoundoughtnevertobecastdown,’speciallyashehadacertainindependenceinview;andvowedthatnothing,nothing,shouldeverinjuicehertopartfromhim,etsettler,etsettler。
Itoldmasteroftheconversationwhichhadpastbetwigstmeandmylord,andofhishandsomeoffers,andhishorrowathearingofhisson’sbeingtaken;andlikewisementionedhowstrangeitwasthatMissshouldonlyhave3guineas,andwithsuchafortn:blessus,I
shouldhavethotthatshewouldalwayshavecarriedahundredthowsndlb。inherpockit!
AtthismasteronlysaidPshaw!Buttherestofthestoryabouthisfatherseemedtodixquiethimagooddeal,andhemademerepeatitoveragin。
Hewalkedupanddowntheroomagytated,anditseam’dasifanewlitewasbreakinginuponhim。
\"Chawls,\"sayshe,\"didyouobserve——didMiss——didmyfatherseemPARTICULARLYINTIMATEwithMissGriffin?\"
\"Howdoyoumean,sir?\"saysI。
\"DidLordCrabsappearveryfondofMissGriffin?\"
\"Hewassuttnlyverykindtoher。\"
\"Come,sir,speakatonce:didMissGriffinseemveryfondofhislordship?\"
\"Why,totellthetruth,sir,ImustsaysheseemedVERYfondofhim。\"
\"Whatdidhecallher?\"
\"Hecalledherhisdearestgal。\"
\"Didhetakeherhand?\"
\"Yes,andhe——\"
\"Andhewhat?\"
\"Hekisther,andtoldhernottobesowerydown—heartedaboutthemisfortnwhichhadhapndtoyou。\"
\"Ihaveitnow!\"sayshe,clinchinghisfist,andgrowinggashlypail——\"Ihaveitnow——theinfernaloldhoaryscoundrel!thewicked,unnaturalwretch!Hewouldtakeherfromme!\"Andhepouredoutavolleyofoaveswhichareimpossbilltoberepeatidhere。
Ithotasmuchlongago:andwhenmylordkemwithhisvizitssopretiousaffeckshntatmyLadyGriffinses,Iexpectedsomesuchgamewasinthewind。Indeed,I’dheardasomethinkofitfromtheGriffinsesservnts,thatmylordwasmightytenderwiththeladies。
Onething,however,wasevidenttoamanofhisintleckshalcapassaties;hemusteithermarrythegalatonst,orhestoodverysmallchanceofhavingher。Hemustgetoutoflimboimmediantly,orhisrespectidfathermightbesteppingintohisvaykintshoes。
Oh!hesawitallnow——thefustattemptatarest,themarridgefixtat12o’clock,andthebayliffsfixttocomeandintarupthemarridge!——thejewel,praps,betwigsthimandDel’Orge:butno,itwastheWOMANwhodidthat——aMANdon’tdealsuchfowlblows,igspeciallyafathertohisson:awomanmay,poarthing!——she’snoothermeansofreventch,andisusedtofightwithunderhandwepnsallherlifethrough。