\"Sawedwad——no,ImeanMISTAWedwadLyttnBulwig。\"
Myneastrembledunderme,myi’sfildwithtiers,myvoiceshook,asIpastupthevenrabblenametotheotherfootman,andsawthisfustofEnglishwritersgouptothedrawing—room!
It’sneedlesstomentionthenamesoftherestofthecompny,ortodixcribethesuckmstansiesofthedinner。Suffiztosaythatthetwolitterygenlmnbehavedverywell,andseamedtohavegoodappytights;igspeciallythelittleIrishmaninthewhig,whoet,drunk,andtalkedasmuchasaduzn。Hetoldhowhe’dbeenpresentedatcortbyhisfriend,Mr。Bulwig,andhowtheQueanhadreceived’emboth,withadignityundigscribable;andhowherblessidMajistyaskedwhatwasthebonyfidysaleoftheCabinitCyclopaedy,andhowbe(DoctorLarner)toldherthat,onhishonner,itwasundertenthowsnd。
YoumayguessthattheDoctor,whenhemadethisspeach,wasprettyfargone。Thefactis,thatwhetheritwasthecoronation,orthegoodnessofthewine(cappitleitisinourhouse,Icantellyou),orthenatralpropensatiesofthegestsassembled,whichmadethemsoigspeciallyjolly,Idon’tknow;buttheyhadkepupthemeatingprettylate,andourpoarbutlerwasquitetiredwiththeperpechualbaskitsofclarritwhichhe’dbeencalledupontobringup。Sothatabout11o’clock,ifIweretosaytheyweremerry,I
shoulduseamildterm;ifIwertosaytheywereintawsicated,I
shoulduseanigspresshnmoreneartothetruth,butlessrispeckfulinoneofmysituashn。
Thecumpanyreseavedthisannountsmintwithmuteextonishment。
\"Pray,DoctorLarnder,\"saysaspitefulgenlmn,willingtokeepupthelitteryconversation,\"whatistheCabinetCyclopaedia?\"
\"It’sthelittherarywontherrofthewurrld,\"sayshe;\"andsureyourlordshipmusthaveseenit;thelatthernumbersispicially——
cheapasdurrt,boundingleezedcalico,sixshillingsavollum。
TheillusthriousneemsofWaltherScott,ThomasMoore,DoctherSouthey,SirJamesMackintosh,DoctherDonovan,andmeself,aretobefoundinthelistofconthributors。It’sthePhaynixofCyclopajies——alitheraryBacon。\"
\"Awhat?\"saysthegenlmnnextohim。
\"ABacon,shininginthedarknessofourage;fildwidthepureendlambentflameofscience,burningwiththegorrgeousscintillationsofdivinelitherature——amonumintum,infact,areperinnius,boundinpinkcalico,sixshillingsavollum。\"
\"Thiswigmawole,\"saidMr。Bulwig(whoseemedratherdisgustedthathisfriendshouldtakeupsomuchoftheconvassation),\"thiswigmawoleisallvewywell;butit’scuwiousthatyoudon’twemember,inchawactewisingthelitewawymewitsofthevawiousmagazines,cwonicles,weviews,andencyclopaedias,theexistenceofacwiticalweviewandlitewarychwonicle,which,thoughtheaewaofitsappeawanceisdatedonlyatavewyfewmonthspwevioustothepwesentpewiod,is,nevertheless,sowemarkableforitsintwinsicmewitsastobewead,notinthemetwopolisalone,butinthecountwy——notinFwancemerely,butinthewestofEuwope——wheweverourpureWenglishisspoken,itstwetchesitspeacefulsceptre——
pewusedinAmewica,fwomNewYorktoNingawa——wepwintedinCanada,fromMontwealtoTowonto——and,asIamgwatifiedtohearfwommyfwendthegovernorofCapeCoastCastle,wegularlyweceivedinAfwica,andtwanslatedintotheMandingolanguagebythemissionawiesandthebushwangers。Ineednotsay,gentlemen——
sir——thatis,Mr。Speaker——Imean,SirJohn——thatIalludetotheLitewaryChwonicle,ofwhichIhavethehonortobepwincipalcontwibutor。\"
\"Verytrue;mydearMr。Bullwig,\"saysmymaster:\"youandIbeingWhigs,mustofcoursestandbyourownfriends;andIwillagree,withoutamoment’shesitation,thattheLiterarywhat—d’ye—call’emistheprinceofperiodicals。\"
\"Thepwinceofpewiodicals?\"saysBullwig;\"mydearSirJohn,it’stheempewowofthepwess。\"
\"Soit,——letitbetheemperorofthepress,asyoupoeticallycallit:but,betweenourselves,confessit,——DonottheTorywritersbeatyourWhigshollow?Youtalkaboutmagazines。Lookat——\"
\"Lookathwat?\"shoutsoutLarder。\"There’snone,SirJan,comparedtoourrs。\"
\"Pardonme,Ithinkthat——\"
\"Itis’Bentley’sMislany’youmane?\"saysIgnatius,assharpasaniddle。
\"Why,no;but——\"
\"Othin,it’sCo’burn,sure!andthatdivvleThayodor——aprettypaper,sir,butlight——thrashy,milk—and—wathery——notsthrong,liketheLitheraryChran——goodlucktoit。\"
\"Why,DoctorLander,Iwasgoingtotellatoncethenameoftheperiodical,it’sFRASER’SMAGAZINE。\"
\"FRESER!\"saystheDoctor。\"Othunderandturf!\"
\"FWASER!\"saysBullwig。\"O——ah——hum——haw——yes——no——why,——thatisweally——no,weally,uponmyweputation,Ineverbeforeheardthenameofthepewiodical。Bytheby,SirJohn,whatwemarkablegoodclawetthisis;isitLawoseorLaff——?\"
Laff,indeed!hecoodengitbeyondlaff;andI’mblestifIcouldkipitneither,——forhearinghimpretendignurnts,andbeingbehindtheskreend,settlinsomethinkforthegenlmn,Ibustintosucharawoflaffingasneverwasigseeded。
\"Hullo!\"saysBullwig,turningred。\"HaveIsaidanythingimpwobable,awwidiculous?for,weally,Ineverbefawwecollecttohaveheardinsocietysuchatwemendouspealofcachinnation——thatwhichthetwagicbardwhofoughtatMawathonhascalledananewithmongelasma。\"
\"Why,betheholypiper,\"saysLarder,\"Ithinkyouaredthrawingalittleonyourimagination。NotreadFraser!Don’tbelievehim,mylordduke;hereadseverywordofit,therogue!Theboysaboutthatmagazinebastehimasifhewasasackofoatmale。Myreasonforcryingout,SirJan,wasbecauseyoumintionedFraseratall。
Bullwighaseverysyllableofitbeheart——fromthepailitixdowntothe’YellowplushCorrespondence。’\"
\"Ha,ha!\"saysBullwig,affectingtolaff(youmaybesuremyearspricktupwhenIheardthenameofthe\"YellowplushCorrespondence\")。
\"Ha,ha!why,totelltruth,IHAVEweadthecowespondencetowhichyouallude:it’sagweatfavowiteatcourt。IwastalkingwithSpwingWiceandJohnWussellaboutittheotherday。\"
\"Well,andwhatdoyouthinkofit?\"saysSirJohn,lookingmitywaggish——forheknewitwasmewhoroatit。
\"Why,weallyandtwuly,there’sconsidewableclevernessaboutthecweature;butit’slow,disgustinglylow:itviolatespwabability,andtheorthogwaphyissocarefullyinaccuwate,thatitrequiresapositivestudytocompwehendit。\"
\"Yes,faith,\"saysLarner;\"thearthagraphyisdetestible;it’sasbadforamantowritebadspillinasitisfor’emtospeakwidabrrogue。Iducationfurst,andganiusafterwards。Yourhealth,mylord,andgoodlucktoyou。\"
\"Yawwemark,\"saysBullwig,\"isvewyappwopwiate。Youwillwecollect,SirJohn,inHewodotus(asforyou,Doctor,youknowmoreaboutIwishthanaboutGweek),——youwillwecollect,withoutdoubt,astowynawwatedbythatcwedulousthoughfascinatingchwonicler,ofacertainkindofsheepwhichisknownonlyinacertaindistwictofAwabia,andofwhichthetailissoenormous,thatiteitherdwagglesonthegwound,orisboundupbytheshepherdsofthecountryintoasmallwheelbawwow,orcart,whichmakesthechwoniclersneewinglywemarkthatthus’thesheepofAwabiahavetheirownchawiots。’Ihaveoftenthought,sir(thisclawetisweallynectaweous)——Ihaveoften,Isay,thoughtthatthewaceofmanmaybecompawedtotheseAwabiansheep——geniusisourtail,educationourwheelbawwow。Withoutartandeducationtopwopit,thisgeniusdwopsonthegwound,andispollutedbythemud,orinjuredbythewocksupontheway:withthewheelbawwowitisstwengthened,incweased,andsupported——apwidetotheowner,ablessingtomankind。\"
\"Averyappropriatesimile,\"saysSirJohn;\"andIamafraidthatthegeniusofourfriendYellowplushhasneedofsomesuchsupport。\"
\"Apropos,\"saidBullwig,\"whoISYellowplush?Iwasgiventounderstandthatthenamewasonlyafictitiousone,andthatthepaperswerewrittenbytheauthorofthe’DiaryofaPhysician;’ifso,themanhaswonderfullyimprovedinstyle,andthereissomehopeofhim。\"
\"Bah!\"saystheDukeofDoublejowl;\"everybodyknowsit’sBarnard,thecelebratedauthorof’SamSlick。’\"
\"Pardon,mydearduke,\"saysLordBagwig;\"it’stheauthoressof’HighLife,’’Almack’s,’andotherfashionablenovels。\"
\"Fiddlestick’send!\"saysDoctorLarner;\"don’tbeblushingandpretindingtoaskquestions;don’tweknowyou,Bullwig?It’syouyourself,youthiefoftheworld:wesmokedyoufromtheverybeginning。\"
Bullwigwasaboutindignantlytoreply,whenSirJohninterruptedthem,andsaid,——\"Imustcorrectyouall,gentlemen;Mr。YellowplushisnootherthanMr。Yellowplush:hegaveyou,mydearBullwig,yourlastglassofchampagneatdinner,andisnowaninmateofmyhouse,andanornamentofmykitchen!\"
\"Gad!\"saysDoublejowl,\"let’shavehimup。\"
\"Hear,hear!\"saysBagwig。
\"Ah,now,\"saysLarner,\"yourgraceisnotgoingtocallupandtalktoafootman,sure?Isitgintale?\"
\"Tosaytheleastofit,\"saysBullwig,\"thepwacticeisiwwegular,andindecowous;andIweallydon’tseehowtheinterviewcanbeinanywaypwofitable。\"
Butthevicesofthecompanywentagainstthetwolitterymen,andeverybodyexcepthemwasforhavinguppoorme。Thebellwaswrung;butlercame。\"SendupCharles,\"saysmaster;andCharles,whowasstandingbehindtheskreand,waspersnlyabligedtocomein。
\"Charles,\"saysmaster,\"Ihavebeentellingthesegentlemenwhoistheauthorofthe’YellowplushCorrespondence’inFraser’sMagazine。\"
\"It’sthebestmagazineinEurope,\"saystheduke。
\"Andnomistake,\"saysmylord。
\"Hwhat!\"saysLarner;\"andwhere’stheLitheraryChran?\"
Isaidmyselfnothink,butmadeabough,andblushtlikepickle—
cabbitch。
\"Mr。Yellowplush,\"sayshisgrace,\"willyou,inthefirstplace,drinkaglassofwine?\"
Iboughedagin。
\"Andwhatwinedoyouprefer,sir?humbleportorimperialburgundy?\"
\"Why,yourgrace,\"saysI,\"Iknowmyplace,andain’tabovekitchinwines。Iwilltakeaglassofport,anddrinkittothehealthofthishonrabblecompny。\"
WhenI’dswiggedoffthebumper,whichhisgracehimselfdidmethehonortopouroutforme,therewasasilintsforaminnit;whenmymastersaid:——
\"CharlesYellowplush,IhaveperusedyourmemoirsinFraser’sMagazinewithsomuchcuriosity,andhavesohighanopinionofyourtalentsasawriter,thatIreallycannotkeepyouasafootmananylonger,orallowyoutodischargedutiesforwhichyouarenowquiteunfit。Withallmyadmirationforyourtalents,Mr。
Yellowplush,Istillamconfidentthatmanyofyourfriendsintheservants’—hallwillcleanmybootsagreatdealbetterthanagentlemanofyourgeniuscaneverbeexpectedtodo——itisforthispurposeIemployfootmen,andnotthattheymaybewritingarticlesinmagazines。But——youneednotlooksored,mygoodfellow,andhadbettertakeanotherglassofport——Idon’twishtothrowyouuponthewideworldwithoutthemeansofalivelihood,andhavemadeinterestforalittleplacewhichyouwillhaveundergovernment,andwhichwillgiveyouanincomeofeightypoundsperannum;whichyoucandouble,Ipresume,byyourliterarylabors。\"
\"Sir,\"saysI,claspingmyhands,andbustingintotears,\"donot——
forheaven’ssake,donot!——thinkofanysuchthink,ordrivemefromyoursuvvice,becauseIhavebeenfoolenoughtowriteinmagaseens。Glansbutonemomentatyourhonor’splate——everyspoonisasbrightasamirror;condysendtoigsamineyourshoes——yourhonormayseereflectedinthemthefasesofeveryoneinthecompany。Iblackedthemshoes,Icleanedthatthereplate。IfoccasionallyI’veforgotthefootmaninthelitteraryman,andcommittedtopapermyremindicencesoffashnabblelife,itwasfromasinceredesiretodogood,andpromotenollitch:andIappealtoyourhonor,——Ilaymyhandonmybusm,andinthefaseofthisnoblecompanybegyoutosay,Whenyourungyourbell,whocametoyoufust?WhenyoustoptoutatBrooke’stillmorning,whosatupforyou?Whenyouwasill,whoforgotthenatraldignitiesofhisstation,andansweredthetwo—pairbell?Oh,sir,\"saysI,\"Iknowwhat’swhat;don’tsendmeaway。Iknowthemlitterychaps,and,beleaveme,I’dratherbeafootman。Thework’snotsohard——thepayisbetter:thevittelsincompyrablysupearor。Ihavebuttocleanmythings,andrunmyerrints,andyouputclothesonmyback,andmeatinmymouth。Sir!Mr。Bullwig!an’tIright?shallIquitMYstationandsink——thatistosay,rise——toYOURS?\"
Bullwigwasviolentlyaffected;atearstoodinhisglisteningi。
\"Yellowplush,\"sayshe,seizingmyhand,\"youAREright。Quitnotyourpresentoccupation;blackboots,cleanknives,wearplush,allyourlife,butdon’tturnliteraryman。Lookatme。IamthefirstnovelistinEurope。Ihaverangedwitheaglewingoverthewideregionsofliterature,andperchedoneveryeminenceinitsturn。Ihavegazedwitheagleeyesonthesunofphilosophy,andfathomedthemysteriousdepthsofthehumanmind。Alllanguagesarefamiliartome,allthoughtsareknowntome,allmenunderstoodbyme。IhavegatheredwisdomfromthehoneyedlipsofPlato,aswewanderedinthegardensofAcadames——wisdom,too,fromthemouthofJobJohnson,aswesmokedour’backyinSevenDials。
Suchmustbethestudies,andsuchisthemission,inthisworld,ofthePoet—Philosopher。Buttheknowledgeisonlyemptiness;theinitiationisbutmisery;theinitiated,amanshunnedandbann’dbyhisfellows。Oh,\"saidBullwig,claspinghishands,andthrowinghisfinei’suptothechandelier,\"thecurseofPwometheusdescendsuponhiswace。Wathandpunishmentpursuethemfromgenewationtogenewation!Wotogenius,theheaven—scaler,thefire—stealer!Woandthricebitterdesolation!EarthisthewockonwhichZeus,wemorseless,stwetcheshiswithingvictim——men,thevulturesthatfeedandfattenonhim。Ai,ai!itisagonyeternal——gwoaningandsolitawydespair!Andyou,Yellowplush,wouldpenetwatethesemystewies:youwouldwaisetheawfulveil,andstandinthetwemendousPwesence。Beware;asyouvalueyourpeace,beware!Withdwaw,washNeophyte!Forheaven’ssake——Oforheaven’ssake!——\"herehelookedroundwithagony——givemeaglassofbwandy—and—water,forthisclawetisbeginningtodisagweewithme。\"
Bullwighavingconcludedthisspitch,verymuchtohisownsattasfackshn,lookedroundtothecompnyforaplaws,andthenswiggedofftheglassofbrandy—and—water,givingasollumsighashetookthelastgulph;andthenDoctorIgnatius,wholongedforachans,and,inordertoshowhisindependence,beganflatlycontradictinghisfriend,addressedme,andtherestofthegenlmnpresent,inthefollowingmanner:——
\"Harkye,\"sayshe,\"mygossoon,doan’tbeledasthraybythenonsinseofthatdivilofaBullwig。He’sjillousofye,mybhoy:
that’stherale,undoubtedthruth;andit’sonlytokeepyououtoflitherarylifethathe’spalaveringyouinthisway。I’lltellyouwhat——Plushyeblackguard,——myhonorablefrindthemimbertherehastoldmeahundertimesbythesmallestcomputation,ofhisintenseadmirationofyourtalents,andthewonderfulsthirtheyweremakingintheworld。Hecan’tbeararival。He’smadwithenvy,hatred,oncharatableness。Lookathim,Plush,andlookatme。Myfatherwasnotajukeexactly,noravenamarkis,andsee,nevertheliss,towhatapitchIamcome。Isparenoixpinse;I’mtheiditorofacopleofpariodicals;Idthriveaboutinmecarridge:Idinewidthelordsoftheland;andwhy——inthenameofthepiperthatpleedbeforeMosus,hwy?BecauseI’malitheraryman。BecauseIknowhowtoplaymecards。BecauseI’mDoctherLarner,infact,andmimberofeverysocietyinandoutofEurope。
ImighthaveremainedallmylifeinThrinityColledge,andnevermadesuchanincomasthatofferedyoubySirJan;butIcametoLondon——toLondon,myboy,andnowsee!LookagainatmefriendBullwig。HeISagentleman,tobesure,andbadluckto’im,sayI;andwhathasbeentheresultofhislitherarylabor?I’lltellyouwhat;andI’lltellthisgintalesociety,bytheshadeofSaintPatrick,they’regoingtomakehimaBARINET。\"
\"ABARNET,Doctor!\"saysI;\"youdon’tmeantosaythey’regoingtomakehimabarnet!\"
\"AssureasI’vemademeselfadocthor,\"saysLarner。
\"What,abaronet,likeSirJohn?\"
\"Thedivleabitelse。\"
\"Andpraywhatfor?\"
\"Whatfaw?\"saysBullwig。\"Askthehistowyoflitwatuwewhatfaw?
AskColburn,askBentley,askSaundersandOtley,askthegweatBwitishnation,whatfaw?Thebloodinmyveinscomespuwifiedthwoughtenthousandyearsofchivalwousancestwy;butthatisneitherherenorthere:mypoliticalprinciples——theequalwightswhichIhaveadvocated——thegweatcauseoffweedomthatIhavecelebwated,areknowntoall。Butthis,Iconfess,hasnothingtodowiththequestion。No,thequestionisthis——onthethwoneoflitewatureIstandunwivalled,pwe—eminent;andtheBwitishgovernment,honowinggeniusinme,complimentstheBwitishnationbyliftingintothebosomoftheheweditawynobility,themostgiftedmemberofthedemocwacy。\"(Thehonrabblegenlmheresunkdownamidstrepeatedcheers。)
\"SirJohn,\"saysI,\"andmylordduke,thewordsofmyrivrintfrendIgnatius,andtheremarksofthehonrabblegenlmnwhohasjustsatedown,havemademechangethedetumminationwhichIhadthehonorofigspressingjustnow。
\"Iigsepttheeightypoundayear;knowingthatIshallaveplentyoftimeforpursuingmylitterycareer,andhopingsomedaytosetonthatsamebentchofbarranites,whichisdeckaratedbythepresntsofmyhonrabblefriend。
\"WhyshoodenI?It’strewIain’tdoneanythinkasYETtodeservesuchanhonor;andit’sveryprobablethatInevershall。Butwhatthen?——quawdong,asourfriendssay?I’dmuchraytherhaveacoat—of—armsthanacoatoflivry。I’dmuchraytherhavemyblud—
redhandspralinkinthemiddleofashield,thanunderneathatea—
tray。AbarranitIwillbe;and,inconsiquints,mustceasetobeafootmin。
\"Astomypolitticleprincepills,these,Iconfess,ain’tsettled:
theyare,Iknow,necessary;buttheyain’tnecessaryUNTILASKT
FOR;besides,IreglarreadtheSattaristnewspaper,andsoignirinceonthispintwouldbeinigscusable。
\"Butifonemancangittobeadoctor,andanotherabarranit,andanotheracaptinginthenavy,andanotheracountess,andanotherthewifeofagovernoroftheCapeofGoodHope,Ibegintoperseavethatthelitterytradeain’tsuchaverybadun;
igspeciallyifyou’reuptosnough,andknowwhat’so’clock。I’lllearntomakemyselfusefle,inthefustplace;thenI’lllarntospell;and,Itrust,byreadingthenovvlesofthehonrabblemember,andthescientaficktreatisesesofthereverenddoctor,I
mayfindthesecritofsuxess,andgitalitellformyownshare。
I’vesevralfrendsinthepress,havingpaidformanyofthosechaps’drink,andgiventhemothertreets;andsoIthinkI’vegotalltheemilentsofsuxess;therefore,Iamdetummined,asIsaid,toigseptyourkindoffer,andbegtowithdrawthewudswhichI
madeyousofwhenIrefyousedyourhoxpatableoffer。Imust,however——\"
\"Iwishyou’dwithdrawyourself,\"saidSirJohn,burstingintoamostigstrorinaryrage,\"andnotinterruptthecompanywithyourinfernaltalk!Godown,andgetuscoffee:and,harkye!holdyourimpertinenttongue,orI’llbreakeveryboneinyourbody。YoushallhavetheplaceasIsaid;andwhileyou’reinmyservice,youshallbemyservant;butyoudon’tstayinmyserviceafterto—
morrow。Godownstairs,sir;anddon’tstandstaringhere!\"……
Inthisabruptway,myeveningended;it’swithamelancholyregretthatIthinkwhatcameofit。Idon’twearplushanymore。Iamanaltered,awiser,and,Itrust,abetterman。
I’maboutanovvle(havingmadegreatprogrissinspelling),inthestyleofmyfriendBullwig;andpreparingforpubligation,intheDoctor’sCyclopedear,\"TheLivesofEminentBritishandForingWosherwomen。\"
SKIMMINGSFROM\"THEDAIRYOFGEORGEIV。\"
CHARLESYELLOWPLUSH,ESQ,TOOLIVERYORKE,ESQ。*
DEARWHY,——TakinadvantageoftheCrismissholydays,SirJohnandme(whoisamemberofparlyment)hadgonedowntoourplaceinYorkshireforsixwicks,toshootgrowsandwoodcox,andenjoyoldEnglishhospitalaty。ThisuglyCanadybisnissunluckalyputanendtooursportsinthecountry,andbrotusuptoBucklySquareasfastasfourpostersescouldgallip。Whenthere,Ifoundyourparcel,containingthetwovollumesofanewbook;which,asIhavebeenawayfromtheliteraryworld,andempliedsolelyinathlaticexorcises,havebeenlayingneglectedinmypantry,amongmyknife—
cloaths,anddekanters,andblacking—bottles,andbed—roomcandles,andthings。
*TheseMemoirswereoriginallypublishedinFraser’sMagazine,anditmaybestatedforthebenefitoftheunlearnedinsuchmatters,that\"OliverYorke\"istheassumednameoftheeditorofthatperiodical。
Thiswill,I’msure,accountformydelayinnotussingthework。
Iseesefralofthepapersandmagazeenshavebeenbefoarhandwithme,andhavegiventheirapinionsconcerningit:speciallytheQuotlyRevew,whichhasmostmussilesslycuttopeasestheauthorofthisDairyoftheTimesofGeorgeIV。*
*DiaryillustrativeoftheTimesofGeorgetheFourth,interspersedwithOriginalLettersfromthelateQueenCaroline,andfromvariousotherdistinguishedPersons。
\"Totoutard,toutsescait。\"——MAINTENON。
In2vols。London,1838。HenryColburn。
Thatit’sawomanwhowroteitisevydentfromthestyleofthewriting,aswellasfromcertainproofsinthebookitself。MostsuttnlyafemailwrotethisDairy;butwhothisDairy—maidmaybe,I,incoarse,can’tconjecter:andindeed,commongalliantryforbidsmetoask。Icanonlyjudgeofthebookitself;which,itappearstome,isclearlytrenchinguponmygroundandfavritesubjicks,viz。fashnabblelife,asigsibitedinthehousesofthenobility,gentry,andrilefammly。
ButIbarenomallis——infamationisinfamation,anditdoesn’tmatterwheretheinfamycomesfrom;andwhethertheDairybefromthatdistinguishedpentowhichitisornarilyattributed——whether,Isay,itcomesfromaladyofhonortothelatequean,orasculliontothatdiffunctmajisty,nomatter:allweaskisnollidge;nevermindhowwehaveit。Nollidge,asourcooksays,isliketrikel—possit——it’salwaysgood,thoughyouwastodrinkitoutofanoldshoo。
Well,then,althoughthisDairyislikelysearuslytoinjurmypussonalintrests,byfourstallingadealofwhatIhadtosayinmyprivatememoars——thoughmany,manyguineas,istakenfrommypockit,bycuttinshortthetailofmynarratif——thoughmuchthatI
hadtosayinsouperiorlanguidge,greasedwithalltheellyganceofmyorytory,thebenefickofmyclassclereading,thechawmsofmyagreblewit,isthusabruplybrotbefortheworldbyaninferiorgenus,neitherknowingnorwritingEnglish;yetIsay,thatneverthelessImustsay,whatIampufficklyprepairedtosay,togainsaywhichnomancansayaword——yetIsay,thatIsayI
considerthispublicationwelkom。Farfromviewingitwithenfy,I
greetitwithapplaws;becauseitincreasesthatmostexlentspeciousofnollidge,Imean\"FASHNABBLENOLLIDGE:\"compayredtowitchallothernollidgeisnonsince——abagofgooldtoapareofsnuffers。
CouldLordBroom,ontheCanadyquestion,saymoar?orsaywhathehadtusaybetter?Wearemarters,bothofus,toprinsple;andeverybodywhoknowseatherknowsthatwewouldsacraficeanythinkratherthanthat。FashionisthegoddissIadoar。Thisdelightfulworkisanoffringonhersrine;andassichallherwushippersareboundtohailit。Hereisnotaquestionoftrumprylordsandhonrabbles,generalsandbarronites,butthecrownitself,andthekingandqueen’sactions;witchmaybeconsideredasthecrownjewels。Here’sprinces,andgrand—dukesandairsparent,andheavenknowswhat;allwithblood—royalintheirveins,andtheirnamesmentionedintheveryfustpageofthepeeridge。InthisbookyoubecomesointmatewiththePrinceofWales,thatyoumayfollowhim,ifyouplease,tohismarridge—bed:or,ifyoupreferthePrincissCharlotte,youmayhavewithheranhour’stator—tator。*
*Ourestimablecorrespondentmeans,wepresume,tete—a—tete。——O。Y。
Now,thoughmostoftheremarkableextraxfromthisbookhavebeengivenalready(thecreamoftheDairy,asIwittilysay,)Ishalltroubleyou,nevertheless,withafew;partlybecausetheycan’tberepeatedtoooften,andbecausethetoanofobsyvationwithwhichtheyhavebeengenrallyreceivedbythepress,isnotigsacklysuchasIthinktheymerit。How,indeed,canthesecommonmagaseenandnewspaperpippleknowanythinkoffashnabblelife,letaloneryal?
Conseaving,then,thatthepublicationoftheDairyhasdonereelgoodonthisscoar,andmayproblydoadealmoor,Ishalllookthroughit,fortheporpusofselectingthemostellygantpassidges,andwhichIthinkmaybepeculiarlyadaptedtothereader’sbenefick。
Foryousee,mydearMr。Yorke,thatinthefustplace,thatthisisnocommoncatchpnybook,likethatofmostauthorsandauthoresses,whowriteforthebaselookerofgain。Heavenblessyou!theDairy—maidisaboveanythingmusnary。Sheisawomanofrank,andnomistake;andisasmuchabovedoinacommonorvulgaractionasIamsuperaortotakingbeerafterdinnerwithmycheese。
Sheprovesthatmostsatisfackarily,asweseeinthefollowingpassidge:——
\"Herroyalhighnesscametome,andhavingspokenafewphrasesondifferentsubjects,producedallthepapersshewishestohavepublished:herwholecorrespondencewiththeprincerelativetoLadyJ———’sdismissal;hissubsequentneglectoftheprincess;and,finally,theacquittalofhersupposedguilt,signedbytheDukeofPortland,&c。,atthetimeofthesecretinquiry:when,ifproofcouldhavebeenbroughtagainsther,itcertainlywouldhavebeendone;andwhichacquittal,tothedisgraceofallpartiesconcerned,aswellastothejusticeofthenationingeneral,wasnotmadepublicatthetime。Acommoncriminalispubliclycondemnedoracquitted。Herroyalhighnesscommandedmetohavetheseletterspublishedforthwith,saying,’Youmaysellthemforagreatsum。’
Atfirst(forshehadspokentomebeforeconcerningthisbusiness),Ithoughtofavailingmyselfoftheopportunity;butuponsecondthoughts,Iturnedfromthisideawithdetestation:for,ifIdowrongbyobeyingherwishesandendeavoringtoserveher,Iwilldosoatleastfromgoodanddisinterestedmotives,notfromanysordidviews。Theprincesscommandsme,andIwillobeyher,whatevermaybetheissue;butnotforfareorfee。IownItremble,notsomuchformyself,asfortheideathatsheisnottakingthebestandmostdignifiedwayofhavingthesepaperspublished。Whymakeasecretofitatall?Ifwrong,itshouldnotbedone;ifrightitshouldbedoneopenly,andinthefaceofherenemies。Inherroyalhighness’scase,asinthatofwrongedprincesingeneral,whydotheyshrinkfromstraightforwarddealings,andratherhaverecoursetocrookedpolicy?Iwish,inthisparticularinstance,Icouldmakeherroyalhighnessfeelthus:butsheisnaturallyindignantatbeingfalselyaccused,andwillnotcondescendtoanavowedexplanation。\"
Cananythinkbemorejustandhonrabblethanthis?TheDairy—ladyisquitefairandabovebored。Aclearstage,saysshe,andnofavior!\"Iwon’tdobehindmybackwhatIamashamedofbeforemyface:notI!\"Nomoreshedoes;foryouseethat,thoughshewasofferedthismanyscripbytheprincessFORNOTHINK,thoughsheknewthatshecouldactiallygetforitalargesumofmoney,shewasaboveit,likeanhonest,noble,grateful,fashnabblewoman,asshewas。Sheaboarssecrecy,andneverwillhaverecorstodisguiseorcrookidpolacy。ThisoughttobeanansuretothemRADICLE
SNEERERS,whopretendthattheyaretheequalsoffashnabblepepple;wherasit’sawell—knownfact,thatthevulgarroagueshavenonotionofhonor。
Andafterthispositifdeclaration,whichreflexhonoronherladyship(longlifetoher!I’veoftenwaitedbehindherchair!)——
afterthispositifdeclaration,that,evenfortheporpusofDEFENDINGhermissis,shewassohi—mindedastorefuseanythinklikeapeculiarlyconsideration,itisactiallyassertedinthepublicprintsbyabooxeller,thathehasgivenherATHOUSAND
POUNDfortheDairy。Athousandpound!nonsince!——it’saphigment!
abaselible!Thiswomantakeathousandpound,inamatterwhereherdearmistriss,friend,andbenyfactrisswasconcerned!Never!
Athousandbaggonitswouldbemoreprefrabbletoawomanofherxqizzitfeelinsandfashion。
Buttoproseed。It’sbeenobjectedtome,whenIwrotesomeofmyexpearuncesinfashnabblelife,thatmylanguidgewasoccasionallyvulgar,andnotsuchasisgenrallyusedinthoseexqizzitfamlieswhichIfrequent。Now,I’lllayawagerthatthereisinthisbook,wroteasalltheworldknows,byarelelady,andspeakinofkingsandqueensasiftheywereascommonassand—boys——thereisinthisbookmorewulgaritythaneverIdisplayed,morenastinessthaneverIwoulddareTOTHINKON,andmorebadgrammarthaneverIwrotesinceIwasaboyatschool。Asforauthografy,evrygenlmnhashisown:nevermindspellin,Isay,solongasthesenceisright。
Letmeherequotaletterfromacorryspondentofthischarmingladyofhonor;andaverynicecorryspondentheis,too,withoutanymistake:
\"LadyO———,poorLadyO———!knowstherulesofprudence,Ifearme,asimperfectlyasshedoththoseoftheGreekandLatinGrammars:
orshehathletherbrother,whoisasadswine,becomemasterofhersecrets,andthencontrivedtoquarrelwithhim。Youwouldseetheoutlineofthemelangeinthenewspapers;butnotthereportthatMr。S———isabouttopublishapamphlet,asanadditiontotheHarleianTracts,settingforththeamatoryadventuresofhissister。Weshallbreakournecksinhastetobuyit,ofcoursecrying’Shameful’allthewhile;anditissaidthatLadyO———istobecut,whichIcannotentirelybelieve。Lethertelltwoorthreeoldwomenabouttownthattheyareyoungandhandsome,andgivesomewell—timedparties,andshemaystillkeepthesocietywhichshehathbeenusedto。Thetimesarenotsohardastheyoncewere,whenawomancouldnotconstrueMagnaChartawithanythinglikeimpunity。Peoplewerefullasgallantmanyyearsago。Butthedaysaregonebywhereinmylord—protectorofthecommonwealthofEnglandwaswonttogoalovemakingtoMrs。
Fleetwood,withtheBibleunderhisarm。
\"AndsoMissJackyGordonisreallyclothedwithahusbandatlast,andMissLauraMannersleftwithoutamate!SheandLordStairshouldmarryandhavechildreninmererevenge。AstoMissGordon,she’saVenuswellsuitedforsuchaVulcan,——whomnothingbutmoneyandatitlecouldhaverenderedtolerable,eventoakitchenwench。Itissaidthatthematrimonialcorrespondencebetweenthiscoupleistobepublished,fullofsadscandalousrelations,ofwhichyoumaybesurescarcelyawordistrue。Informertimes,theDuchessofSt。A———smadeuseoftheseelegantepistlesinordertointimidateLadyJohnstone:butthatrusewouldnotavail;
soinspite,theyaretobeprinted。Whatacargoofamiablecreatures!YetwillsomepeoplescarcelybelieveintheexistenceofPandemonium。
\"TuesdayMorning。——Youareperfectlyrightrespectingthehotroomshere,whichweallcryoutagainst,andallfindverycomfortable——
muchmoresothanthecoldsandsandbleakneighborhoodofthesea;
whichlooksvastlywellinoneofVanderVelde’spictureshunguponcrimsondamask,buthideousandshockinginreality。H———andhis’elle’(talkingofparties)werelastnightatCholmondeleyHouse,butseemnottoripenintheirlove。Heiscertainlygood—humored,andIbelieve,good—hearted,sodeservesagoodwife;buthiscaraseemsagenuineLondonmissmadeupofmanyaffectations。Willsheformacomfortablehelpmate?Forme,Ilikenotherorigin,anddeemmanystrangethingstoruninblood,besidesmadnessandtheHanoverianevil。
\"Thursday。——IverilydobelievethatIshallnevergettotheendofthissmallsheetofpaper,somanyunheardofinterruptionshaveIhad;andnowIhavebeentoVauxhall,andcaughtthetoothache。
IwasofLadyE。B———mandH———’sparty:verydull——theLadygivingusallasupperafterourpromenade——
’Muchadowasthere,GodwotShewouldlove,buthewouldnot。’
Heateagreatdealofice,althoughhedidnotseemtorequireit:
andshe’faisoitlesyeuxdoux’enoughnotonlytohavemeltedalltheicewhichheswallowed,buthisownhardheartintothebargain。Thethingwillnotdo。Inthemeantime,MissLonghathbecomequitecrueltoWellesleyPole,anddividesherfavorequallybetweenLordsKilleenandKilworth,twoassimpleIrishmenasevergavebirthtoabull。IwishtoHymenthatshewerefairlymarried,forallthispothergivesoneadisgustingpictureofhumannature。\"
Adisgustingpicturofhumannature,indeed——andisn’thewhomoralizesaboutit,andshetowhomhewrites,acoupleofprettyheadsinthesamepiece?Which,Mr。Yorke,isthewust,thescandleorthescandle—mongers?Seewhatitistobeamoralmanoffashn。Fust,hescrapestogitherallthebadstoariesaboutallthepeopleofhisacquentance——hegoestoaball,andlaffsorsnearsateverybodythere——heisaskedtoadinner,andbringsaway,alongwithmeatandwinetohisheart’scontent,asourstomickfilledwithnastystoriesofallthepeoplepresentthere。
Hehassuchasqueamishappytite,thatalltheworldseemstoDISAGREEwithhim。Andwhathashegottosaytohisdelicatefemalefrend?Whythat——
Fust。Mr。S。isgoingtopublishindescentstoariesaboutLadyO———,hissister,whicheverybody’sgointoby。
Nex。ThatMissGordonisgoingtobecloathedwithanusband;andthatalltheirmatrimonialcorryspondinsistobepublishedtoo。
3。ThatLordH。isgoingtobemarried;butthere’ssomethingronginhiswife’sblood。
4。MissLonghascutMr。Wellesley,andisgoneaftertwoIrishlords。
Woodenyouphancy,now,thattheauthorofsuchaletter,insteadofwritinaboutpippleoftip—topqualaty,wasdescribinVinegarYard?Wouldyoubeleavethattheladyhewasa—ritintowasachased,modistladyofhonor,andmotherofafamly?Otrumpery!
Omorris!asHomersays:thisisahigeouspicturofmanners,suchasIweaptothinkof,asevrymorlmanmustweap。
Theaboveisoneprittypicturofmearlyfashnabblelife:whatfollowsisaboutfamiliesevenhighersituatedthanthemostfashnabble。Herewehavetheprincessregient,herdaughterthePrincessSharlot,hergrandmammatheoldquean,andhermadjisty’sdaughtersthetwoprincesses。Ifthisisnothighlife,Idon’tknowwhereitistobefound;andit’spleasingtoseewhataffeckshnandharmnyrainsinsuchanexoltedspear。
\"Sunday24th。——Yesterday,theprincesswenttomeetthePrincessCharlotteatKensington。Lady————toldmethat,whenthelatterarrived,sherusheduptohermother,andsaid,’ForGod’ssake,beciviltoher,’meaningtheDuchessofLeeds,whofollowedher。
Lady————saidshefeltsorryforthelatter;butwhenthePrincessofWalestalkedtoher,shesoonbecamesofreeandeasy,thatonecouldnothaveanyFEELINGaboutherFEELINGS。PrincessCharlotte,Iwastold,waslookinghandsome,verypale,butherheadmorebecominglydressed,——thatistosay,lessdressedthanusual。Herfigureisofthatfullroundshapewhichisnowinitsprime;butshedisfiguresherselfbywearingherbodicesoshort,thatsheliterallyhasnowaist。Herfeetareverypretty;andsoareherhandsandarms,andherears,andtheshapeofherhead。Hercountenanceisexpressive,whensheallowsherpassionstoplayuponit;andIneversawanyface,withsolittleshade,expresssomanypowerfulandvariedemotions。Lady————toldmethatthePrincessCharlottetalkedtoherabouthersituation,andsaid,inaveryquiet,butdeterminedway,sheWOULDNOTBEARIT,andthatassoonasparliamentmet,sheintendedtocometoWarwickHouse,andremainthere;thatshewasalsodeterminednottoconsidertheDuchessofLeedsasherGOVERNESSbutonlyasherFIRSTLADY。Shemademanyobservationsonotherpersonsandsubjects;andappearstobeveryquick,verypenetrating,butimperiousandwilful。
Thereisatoneofromance,too,inhercharacter,whichwillonlyservetomisleadher。
\"ShetoldhermotherthattherehadbeenagreatbattleatWindsorbetweenthequeenandtheprince,theformerrefusingtogiveupMissKnightfromherownpersontoattendonPrincessCharlotteassub—governess。Buttheprince—regenthadgonetoWindsorhimself,andinsistedonherdoingso;andthe’oldBeguin’wasforcedtosubmit,buthasbeenilleversince:andSirHenryHalforddeclareditwasacompletebreakingupofherconstitution——tothegreatdelightofthetwoprincesses,whoweretalkingaboutthisaffair。
MissKnightwastheverypersontheywishedtohave;theythinktheycandoastheylikewithher。IthasbeenorderedthatthePrincessCharlotteshouldnotseehermotheraloneforasinglemoment;butthelatterwentintoherroom,stuffedapairoflargeshoesfullofpapers,andhavinggiventhemtoherdaughter,shewenthome。Lady————toldmeeverythingwaswrittendownandsenttoMr。BroughamNEXTDAY。\"
Seewhatdiscordwillcreapevenintothebestregulatedfamlies。
Herearesixof’em——viz。,thequeanandhertwodaughters,herson,andhiswifeanddaughter;andthemannerinwhichtheyhateoneanotherisacompleatpuzzle。
{hismother。
ThePrincehates……{hiswife。
{hisdaughter。
PrincessCharlottehatesherfather。
PrincessofWaleshatesherhusband。
Theoldquean,bytheirsquobbles,isonthepintofdeath;andhertwojewtifuldaughtersaredelightedatthenews。Whatahappy,fashnabble,Christianfamly!OMr。Yorke,Mr。Yorke,ifthisisthewayinthedrawin—rooms,I’mquitecontenttolivebelow,inpeaseandcharatywithallmen;writin,asIamnow,inmypantry,orelshavinaquietgameatcardsintheservants—all。WithUS
there’snobitter,wicked,quarlingofthissort。WEdon’thateourchildren,orbullyourmothers,orwish’emdedwhenthey’resick,asthisDairywomansayskingsandqueensdo。Whenwe’rewritingtoourfriendsorsweethearts,WEdon’tfillourletterswithnastystoaries,takinawaythecarricterofourfellow—
servants,asthismaidofhonor’samusin’moralfrenddoes。But,incoarse,it’snotforustojudgeofourbetters;——thesegreatpeopleareasupeerurrace,andwecan’tcomprehendtheirways。
Doyourecklect——it’stwentyyearsagonow——howabewtiffleprincessdiedingivinbuthtoapoarbaby,andhowthewholenationofHenglandwep,asthoughitwasoneman,overthatsweetwomanandchild,inwhichweresenteredthehopesofeveryoneofus,andofwhicheachwasasproudasofhisownwifeorinfnt?Doyourecklecthowporefellowsspenttheirlastshillintobuyablackcrapefortheirhats,andclergymencriedinthepulpit,andthewholecountrythroughwasnobetterthanagreatdismalfuneral?Doyourecklet,Mr。Yorke,whowasthepersonthatwealltookonsoabout?WecalledherthePrincisSharlotofWales;andwevalyoudasingledropofherbloodmorethanthewholeheartlessbodyofherfather。Well,welookeduptoherasakindofsaintorangle,andblestGod(suchfoolishloyalEnglishpippleaswewareinthosedays)whohadsentthissweetladytoruleoverus。
Butheavenblessyou!itwasonlysouperstition。Shewasnobetterthansheshouldbe,asitturnsout——oratleasttheDairy—maidsaysso。Nobetter?——ifmydaughtersoryourswas1/2sobad,we’dasleafbedeadourselves,andtheyhanged。Butlistentothisprittycharritablestory,andatrucetoreflexshuns:——
\"Sunday,January,9,1814。——Yesterday,accordingtoappointment,I
wenttoPrincessCharlotte。FoundatWarwickHousetheharp—
player,Dizzi;wasaskedtoremainandlistentohisperformance,butwastalkedtoduringthewholetime,whichcompletelypreventedallpossibilityoflisteningtothemusic。TheDuchessofLeedsandherdaughterwereintheroom,butleftitsoon。NextarrivedMissKnight,whoremainedallthetimeIwasthere。PrincessCharlottewasverygracious——showedmeallherbonnydyes,asB———
wouldhavecalledthem——pictures,andcases,andjewels,&c。Shetalkedinaverydesultoryway,anditwouldbedifficulttosayofwhat。Sheobservedhermotherwasinverylowspirits。Iaskedherhowshesupposedshecouldbeotherwise?ThisQUESTIONING
answersavesagreatdealoftrouble,andservestwopurposes——i。e。