’Youhaveofferedusyourhelp？’
’Ihave。’
’Andgivenapledgethatyouarestillwillingtoredeem？’
’Yes。SofarasImay，keepingallplotsandconspiraciesatarm’slength。’
’Followus，friend。’
Will，whoseself—possessionwasnowquiterestored，needednosecondbidding，butwithhisdrawnswordinhishand，andhiscloaksomuffledoverhisleftarmastoserveforakindofshieldwithoutofferinganyimpedimenttoitsfreeaction，sufferedthemtoleadtheway。Throughmudandmire，andwindandrain，theywalkedinsilenceafullmile。Atlengththeyturnedintoadarklane，where，suddenlystartingoutfrombeneathsometreeswherehehadtakenshelter，amanappeared，havinginhischargethreesaddledhorses。Oneofthese（hisownapparently），inobediencetoawhisperfromthewomen，heconsignedtoWill，who，seeingthattheymounted，mountedalso。Then，withoutawordspoken，theyrodeontogether，leavingtheattendantbehind。
TheymadenohaltnorslackenedtheirpaceuntiltheyarrivednearPutney。Atalargewoodenhousewhichstoodapartfromanyothertheyalighted，andgivingtheirhorsestoonewhowasalreadywaiting，passedinbyasidedoor，andsoupsomenarrowcreakingstairsintoasmallpanelledchamber，whereWillwasleftalone。
Hehadnotbeenhereverylong，whenthedoorwassoftlyopened，andthereenteredtohimacavalierwhosefacewasconcealedbeneathablackmask。
Willstooduponhisguard，andscrutinisedthisfigurefromheadtofoot。Theformwasthatofamanprettyfaradvancedinlife，butofafirmandstatelycarriage。Hisdresswasofarichandcostlykind，butsosoiledanddisorderedthatitwasscarcelytoberecognisedforoneofthosegorgeoussuitswhichtheexpensivetasteandfashionofthetimeprescribedformenofanyrankorstation。
Hewasbootedandspurred，andboreabouthimevenasmanytokensofthestateoftheroadsasWillhimself。Allthishenoted，whiletheeyesbehindthemaskregardedhimwithequalattention。
Thissurveyover，thecavalierbrokesilence。
’Thou’rtyoungandbold，andwouldstbericherthanthouart？’
’ThetwofirstIam，’returnedWill。’ThelastIhavescarcelythoughtof。Butbeitso。SaythatIwouldbericherthanIam;
whatthen？’
’Thewayliesbeforetheenow，’repliedtheMask。
’Showitme。’
’Firstletmeinformthee，thatthouwertbroughthereto—nightlestthoushouldsttoosoonhavetoldthytaletothosewhoplacedtheeonthewatch。’
’IthoughtasmuchwhenIfollowed，’saidWill。’ButIamnoblab，notI。’
’Good，’returnedtheMask。’Nowlisten。Hewhowastohaveexecutedtheenterpriseofburyingthatbody，which，asthouhastsuspected，wastakendownto—night，hasleftusinourneed。’
Willnodded，andthoughtwithinhimselfthatiftheMaskweretoattempttoplayanytricks，thefirsteyelet—holeontheleft—handsideofhisdoublet，countingfromthebuttonsupthefront，wouldbeaverygoodplaceinwhichtopinkhimneatly。
’Thouarthere，andtheemergencyisdesperate。Iproposehistasktothee。Conveythebody（nowcoffinedinthishouse），bymeansthatIshallshow，totheChurchofSt。DunstaninLondonto—morrownight，andthyserviceshallberichlypaid。Thou’rtabouttoaskwhosecorpseitis。Seeknottoknow。Iwarnthee，seeknottoknow。Felonshanginchainsoneverymoorandheath。Believe，asothersdo，thatthiswasone，andasknofurther。Themurdersofstatepolicy，itsvictimsoravengers，hadbestremainunknowntosuchasthee。’
’Themysteryofthisservice，’saidWill，’bespeaksitsdanger。
Whatisthereward？’
’Onehundredgoldenunities，’repliedthecavalier。’Thedangertoonewhocannotberecognisedasthefriendofafallencauseisnotgreat，butthereissomehazardtoberun。Decidebetweenthatandthereward。’
’WhatifIrefuse？’saidWill。
’Departinpeace，inGod’sname，’returnedtheMaskinamelancholytone，’andkeepoursecret，rememberingthatthosewhobroughttheeherewerecrushedandstrickenwomen，andthatthosewhobadetheegofreecouldhavehadthylifewithoneword，andnomanthewiser。’
Menwerereadiertoundertakedesperateadventuresinthosetimesthantheyarenow。Inthiscasethetemptationwasgreat，andthepunishment，evenincaseofdetection，wasnotlikelytobeverysevere，asWillcameofaloyalstock，andhisunclewasingoodrepute，andapassabletaletoaccountforhispossessionofthebodyandhisignoranceoftheidentitymightbeeasilydevised。
Thecavalierexplainedthatacovetedcarthadbeenpreparedforthepurpose;thatthetimeofdeparturecouldbearrangedsothatheshouldreachLondonBridgeatdusk，andproceedthroughtheCityafterthedayhadclosedin;thatpeoplewouldbereadyathisjourney’sendtoplacethecoffininavaultwithoutaminute’sdelay;thatofficiousinquirersinthestreetswouldbeeasilyrepelledbythetalethathewascarryingforintermentthecorpseofonewhohaddiedoftheplague;andinshortshowedhimeveryreasonwhyheshouldsucceed，andnonewhyheshouldfail。Afteratimetheywerejoinedbyanothergentleman，maskedlikethefirst，whoaddednewargumentstothosewhichhadbeenalreadyurged;thewretchedwife，too，addedhertearsandprayerstotheircalmerrepresentations;andintheend，Will，movedbycompassionandgood—nature，byaloveofthemarvellous，byamischievousanticipationoftheterrorsoftheKingstonpeoplewhenheshouldbemissingnextday，andfinally，bytheprospectofgain，tookuponhimselfthetask，anddevotedallhisenergiestoitssuccessfulexecution。
Thefollowingnight，whenitwasquitedark，thehollowechoesofoldLondonBridgerespondedtotherumblingofthecartwhichcontainedtheghastlyload，theobjectofWillMarks’care。
Sufficientlydisguisedtoattractnoattentionbyhisgarb，Willwalkedatthehorse’shead，asunconcernedasamancouldbewhowassensiblethathehadnowarrivedatthemostdangerouspartofhisundertaking，butfullofboldnessandconfidence。
Itwasnoweighto’clock。Afternine，nonecouldwalkthestreetswithoutdangeroftheirlives，andevenatthishour，robberiesandmurderwereofnouncommonoccurrence。Theshopsuponthebridgewereallclosed;thelowwoodenarchesthrownacrossthewaywerelikesomanyblackpits，ineveryoneofwhichill—favouredfellowslurkedinknotsofthreeorfour;somestandinguprightagainstthewall，lyinginwait;othersskulkingingateways，andthrustingouttheiruncombedheadsandscowlingeyes：otherscrossingandrecrossing，andconstantlyjostlingbothhorseandmantoprovokeaquarrel;othersstealingawayandsummoningtheircompanionsinalowwhistle。Once，eveninthatshortpassage，therewasthenoiseofscufflingandtheclashofswordsbehindhim，butWill，whoknewtheCityanditsways，keptstraightonandscarcelyturnedhishead。
Thestreetsbeingunpaved，therainofthenightbeforehadconvertedthemintoaperfectquagmire，whichthesplashingwater—
spoutsfromthegables，andthefilthandoffalcastfromthedifferenthouses，swelledinnosmalldegree。Theseodiousmattersbeinglefttoputrefyinthecloseandheavyair，emittedaninsupportablestench，towhicheverycourtandpassagepouredforthacontributionofitsown。Manyparts，evenofthemainstreets，withtheirprojectingstoriestotteringoverheadandnearlyshuttingoutthesky，weremorelikehugechimneysthanopenways。
Atthecornersofsomeofthese，greatbonfireswereburningtopreventinfectionfromtheplague，ofwhichitwasrumouredthatsomecitizenshadlatelydied;andfew，whoavailingthemselvesofthelightthusaffordedpausedforamomenttolookaroundthem，wouldhavebeendisposedtodoubttheexistenceofthedisease，orwonderatitsdreadfulvisitations。
Butitwasnotinsuchscenesasthese，oreveninthedeepandmiryroad，thatWillMarksfoundthechiefobstaclestohisprogress。Therewerekitesandravensfeedinginthestreets（theonlyscavengerstheCitykept），who，scentingwhathecarried，followedthecartorflutteredonitstop，andcroakedtheirknowledgeofitsburdenandtheirravenousappetiteforprey。
Thereweredistantfires，wherethepoorwoodandplastertenementswastedfiercely，andwhithercrowdsmadetheirway，clamouringeagerlyforplunder，beatingdownallwhocamewithintheirreach，andyellinglikedevilsletloose。Thereweresingle—handedmenflyingfrombandsofruffians，whopursuedthemwithnakedweapons，andhuntedthemsavagely;thereweredrunken，desperaterobbersissuingfromtheirdensandstaggeringthroughtheopenstreetswherenomandaredmolestthem;therewerevagabondservitorsreturningfromtheBearGarden，wherehadbeengoodsportthatday，draggingafterthemtheirtornandbleedingdogs，orleavingthemtodieandrotupontheroad。Nothingwasabroadbutcruelty，violence，anddisorder。
ManyweretheinterruptionswhichWillMarksencounteredfromthesestragglers，andmanythenarrowescapeshemade。Nowsomestoutbullywouldtakehisseatuponthecart，insistingtobedriventohisownhome，andnowtwoorthreemenwouldcomedownuponhimtogether，anddemandthatonperilofhislifeheshowedthemwhathehadinside。Thenapartyofthecitywatch，upontheirrounds，woulddrawacrosstheroad，andnotsatisfiedwithhistale，questionhimclosely，andrevengethemselvesbyalittlecuffingandhustlingformaltreatmentsustainedatotherhandsthatnight。
Alltheseassailantshadtoberebutted，somebyfairwords，somebyfoul，andsomebyblows。ButWillMarkswasnotthemantobestoppedorturnedbacknowhehadpenetratedsofar，andthoughhegotonslowly，stillhemadehiswaydownFleet—streetandreachedthechurchatlast。
Ashehadbeenforewarned，allwasinreadiness。Directlyhestopped，thecoffinwasremovedbyfourmen，whoappearedsosuddenlythattheyseemedtohavestartedfromtheearth。Afifthmountedthecart，andscarcelyallowingWilltimetosnatchfromitalittlebundlecontainingsuchofhisownclothesashehadthrownoffonassuminghisdisguise，drovebrisklyaway。Willneversawcartormanagain。
Hefollowedthebodyintothechurch，anditwaswellhelostnotimeindoingso，forthedoorwasimmediatelyclosed。Therewasnolightinthebuildingsavethatwhichcamefromacoupleoftorchesbornebytwomenincloaks，whostooduponthebrinkofavault。Eachsupportedafemalefigure，andallobservedaprofoundsilence。
Bythisdimandsolemnglare，whichmadeWillfeelasthoughlightitselfweredead，anditstombthedrearyarchesthatfrownedabove，theyplacedthecoffininthevault，withuncoveredheads，andcloseditup。Oneofthetorch—bearersthenturnedtoWill，andstretchedforthhishand，inwhichwasapurseofgold。
Somethingtoldhimdirectlythatthosewerethesameeyeswhichhehadseenbeneaththemask。
’Takeit，’saidthecavalierinalowvoice，’andbehappy。Thoughthesehavebeenhastyobsequies，andnopriesthasblessedthework，therewillnotbethelesspeacewiththeethereafter，forhavinglaidhisbonesbesidethoseofhislittlechildren。Keepthyowncounsel，forthysakenolessthanours，andGodbewiththee！’
’Theblessingofawidowedmotheronthyhead，goodfriend！’criedtheyoungerladythroughhertears;’theblessingofonewhohasnownohopeorrestbutinthisgrave！’
Willstoodwiththepurseinhishand，andinvoluntarilymadeagestureasthoughhewouldreturnit，forthoughathoughtlessfellow，hewasofafrankandgenerousnature。Butthetwogentlemen，extinguishingtheirtorches，cautionedhimtobegone，astheircommonsafetywouldbeendangeredbyalongerdelay;andatthesametimetheirretreatingfootstepssoundedthroughthechurch。Heturned，therefore，towardsthepointatwhichhehadentered，andseeingbyafaintgleaminthedistancethatthedoorwasagainpartiallyopen，gropedhiswaytowardsitandsopassedintothestreet。
MeantimethelocalauthoritiesofKingstonhadkeptwatchandwardallthepreviousnight，fancyingeverynowandthenthatdismalshriekswerebornetowardsthemonthewind，andfrequentlywinkingtoeachother，anddrawingclosertothefireastheydrankthehealthofthelonelysentinel，uponwhomaclericalgentlemanpresentwasespeciallyseverebyreasonofhislevityandyouthfulfolly。Twoorthreeofthegravestincompany，whowereofatheologicalturn，propoundedtohimthequestion，whethersuchacharacterwasnotbutpoorlyarmedforsinglecombatwiththeDevil，andwhetherhehimselfwouldnothavebeenastrongeropponent;buttheclericalgentleman，sharplyreprovingthemfortheirpresumptionindiscussingsuchquestions，clearlyshowedthatafitterchampionthanWillcouldscarcelyhavebeenselected，notonlyforthatbeingachildofSatan，hewasthelesslikelytobealarmedbytheappearanceofhisownfather，butbecauseSatanhimselfwouldbeathiseaseinsuchcompany，andwouldnotscrupletokickuphisheelstoanextentwhichitwasquitecertainhewouldneverventurebeforeclericaleyes，underwhoseinfluence（aswasnotorious）hebecamequiteatameandmilk—and—watercharacter。
Butwhennextmorningarrived，andwithitnoWillMarks，andwhenastrongpartyrepairingtothespot，asastrongpartyventuredtodoinbroadday，foundWillgoneandthegibbetempty，mattersgrewseriousindeed。Thedaypassingawayandnonewsarriving，andthenightgoingonalsowithoutanyintelligence，thethinggrewmoretremendousstill;inshort，theneighbourhoodworkeditselfuptosuchacomfortablepitchofmysteryandhorror，thatitisagreatquestionwhetherthegeneralfeelingwasnotoneofexcessivedisappointment，when，onthesecondmorning，WillMarksreturned。
Howeverthismaybe，backWillcameinaverycoolandcollectedstate，andappearingnottotroublehimselfmuchaboutanybodyexceptoldJohnPodgers，who，havingbeensentfor，wassittingintheTownHallcryingslowly，anddozingbetweenwhiles。Havingembracedhisuncleandassuredhimofhissafety，Willmountedonatableandtoldhisstorytothecrowd。
Andsurelytheywouldhavebeenthemostunreasonablecrowdthateverassembledtogether，iftheyhadbeenintheleastrespectdisappointedwiththetalehetoldthem;forbesidesdescribingtheWitches’Dancetotheminutestmotionoftheirlegs，andperformingitincharacteronthetable，withtheassistanceofabroomstick，herelatedhowtheyhadcarriedoffthebodyinacoppercaldron，andsobewitchedhim，thathelosthissensesuntilhefoundhimselflyingunderahedgeatleasttenmilesoff，whencehehadstraightwayreturnedastheythenbeheld。ThestorygainedsuchuniversalapplausethatitsoonafterwardsbroughtdownexpressfromLondonthegreatwitch—finderoftheage，theHeaven—bornHopkins，whohavingexaminedWillcloselyonseveralpoints，pronounceditthemostextraordinaryandthebestaccreditedwitch—
storyeverknown，underwhichtitleitwaspublishedattheThreeBiblesonLondonBridge，insmallquarto，withaviewofthecaldronfromanoriginaldrawing，andaportraitoftheclericalgentlemanashesatbythefire。
OnonepointWillwasparticularlycareful：andthatwastodescribeforthewitcheshehadseen，threeimpossibleoldfemales，whoselikenessesneverwereorwillbe。Thushesavedthelivesofthesuspectedparties，andofallotheroldwomenwhoweredraggedbeforehimtobeidentified。
ThiscircumstanceoccasionedJohnPodgersmuchgriefandsorrow，untilhappeningonedaytocasthiseyesuponhishouse—keeper，andobservinghertobeplainlyafflictedwithrheumatism，heprocuredhertobeburntasanundoubtedwitch。Forthisservicetothestatehewasimmediatelyknighted，andbecamefromthattimeSirJohnPodgers。
WillMarksnevergainedanycluetothemysteryinwhichhehadbeenanactor，nordidanyinscriptioninthechurch，whichheoftenvisitedafterwards，noranyofthelimitedinquiriesthathedaredtomake，yieldhimtheleastassistance。Ashekepthisownsecret，hewascompelledtospendthegolddiscreetlyandsparingly。InthecourseoftimehemarriedtheyoungladyofwhomIhavealreadytoldyou，whosemaidennameisnotrecorded，withwhomheledaprosperousandhappylife。Yearsandyearsafterthisadventure，itwashiswonttotellheruponastormynightthatitwasagreatcomforttohimtothinkthosebones，towhomsoevertheymighthaveoncebelonged，werenotbleachinginthetroubledair，butweremoulderingawaywiththedustoftheirownkithandkindredinaquietgrave。
FURTHERPARTICULARSOFMASTERHUMPHREY’SVISITOR
BeingveryfullofMr。Pickwick’sapplication，andhighlypleasedwiththecomplimenthehadpaidme，itwillbereadilysupposedthatlongbeforeournextnightofmeetingIcommunicatedittomythreefriends，whounanimouslyvotedhisadmissionintoourbody。
Wealllookedforwardwithsomeimpatiencetotheoccasionwhichwouldenrollhimamongus，butIamgreatlymistakenifJackRedburnandmyselfwerenotbymanydegreesthemostimpatientoftheparty。
Atlengththenightcame，andafewminutesaftertenMr。
Pickwick’sknockwasheardatthestreet—door。Hewasshownintoalowerroom，andIdirectlytookmycrookedstickandwenttoaccompanyhimup—stairs，inorderthathemightbepresentedwithallhonourandformality。
’Mr。Pickwick，’saidI，onenteringtheroom，’Iamrejoicedtoseeyou，—rejoicedtobelievethatthisisbuttheopeningofalongseriesofvisitstothishouse，andbutthebeginningofacloseandlastingfriendship。’
Thatgentlemanmadeasuitablereplywithacordialityandfranknesspeculiarlyhisown，andglancedwithasmiletowardstwopersonsbehindthedoor，whomIhadnotatfirstobserved，andwhomIimmediatelyrecognisedasMr。SamuelWellerandhisfather。
Itwasawarmevening，buttheelderMr。Wellerwasattired，notwithstanding，inamostcapaciousgreatcoat，andhischinenvelopedinalargespeckledshawl，suchasisusuallywornbystagecoachmenonactiveservice。Helookedveryrosyandverystout，especiallyaboutthelegs，whichappearedtohavebeencompressedintohistop—bootswithsomedifficulty。Hisbroad—
brimmedhatheheldunderhisleftarm，andwiththeforefingerofhisrighthandhetouchedhisforeheadagreatmanytimesinacknowledgmentofmypresence。
’Iamverygladtoseeyouinsuchgoodhealth，Mr。Weller，’saidI。
’Why，thankee，sir，’returnedMr。Weller，’theaxlean’tbrokeyet。
Wekeepsupasteadypace，—nottoosewere，butvithamoderatedegreeo’friction，—andtheconsekensisthatve’restillarunnin’andcomesintothetimereg’lar。—MysonSamivel，sir，asyoumayhavereadoninhistory，’addedMr。Weller，introducinghisfirst—born。
IreceivedSamverygraciously，butbeforehecouldsayawordhisfatherstruckinagain。
’SamivelVeller，sir，’saidtheoldgentleman，’hasconferreduponmetheancienttitleo’grandfathervichhadlonglaiddormouse，andwoss’posedtobenearlyhex—tinctinourfamily。Sammy，relateaanecdoteo’vuno’themboys，—that’erelittleanecdoteaboutyoungTonysayin’asheWOULDsmokeapipeunbeknowntohismother。’
’Bequiet，can’tyou？’saidSam;’Ineverseesuchaoldmagpie—
never！’
’That’ereTonyistheblessedestboy，’saidMr。Weller，heedlessofthisrebuff，’theblessedestboyaseverIseeinMYdays！ofallthecharmin’estinfantsaseverIheerdtellon，includin’themaswaskiveredoverbytherobin—redbreastsarterthey’dcommittedsooicidewithblackberries，thereneverwosanylikethat’erelittleTony。He’salvaysaplayin’vithaquartpot，thatboyis！
Toseehimasettin’downonthedoorsteppretendingtodrinkoutofit，andfetchingalongbreathartervards，andsmokingabitoffirevood，andsayin’，\"NowI’mgrandfather，\"—toseehimadoin’
thatattwoyearoldisbetterthananyplayaswoseverwrote。
\"NowI’mgrandfather！\"Hewouldn’ttakeapintpotifyouwostomakehimapresentonit，buthegetshisquart，andthenhesays，\"NowI’mgrandfather！\"’
Mr。Wellerwassooverpoweredbythispicturethathestraightwayfellintoamostalarmingfitofcoughing，whichmustcertainlyhavebeenattendedwithsomefatalresultbutforthedexterityandpromptitudeofSam，who，takingafirmgraspoftheshawljustunderhisfather’schin，shookhimtoandfrowithgreatviolence，atthesametimeadministeringsomesmartblowsbetweenhisshoulders。BythiscuriousmodeoftreatmentMr。Wellerwasfinallyrecovered，butwithaverycrimsonface，andinastateofgreatexhaustion。
’He’lldonow，Sam，’saidMr。Pickwick，whohadbeeninsomealarmhimself。
’He’lldo，sir！’criedSam，lookingreproachfullyathisparent。
’Yes，heWILLdooneo’thesedays，—he’lldoforhis—selfandthenhe’llwishhehadn’t。Didanybodyeverseesichainconsiderateoldfile，—laughingintoconwulsionsaforecompany，andstampingonthefloorasifhe’dbroughthisowncarpetvithhimandwosunderawagertopunchthepatternoutinagiventime？
He’llbeginagaininaminute。There—he’sagoin’off—Isaidhewould！’
Infact，Mr。Weller，whosemindwasstillrunninguponhisprecociousgrandson，wasseentoshakehisheadfromsidetoside，whilealaugh，workinglikeanearthquake，belowthesurface，producedvariousextraordinaryappearancesinhisface，chest，andshoulders，—themorealarmingbecauseunaccompaniedbyanynoisewhatever。Theseemotions，however，graduallysubsided，andafterthreeorfourshortrelapseshewipedhiseyeswiththecuffofhiscoat，andlookedabouthimwithtolerablecomposure。
’Aforethegovernorvith—draws，’saidMr。Weller，’thereisapint，respectingvichSammyhasaqvestiontoask。Vilethatqvestionisaperwadin’thishereconwersation，p’rapsthegenl’menvillpermitmetore—tire。’
’Wotareyougoin’awayfor？’demandedSam，seizinghisfatherbythecoat—tail。
’Ineverseesuchaundootifulboyasyou，Samivel，’returnedMr。
Weller。’Didn’tyoumakeasolemnpromise，amountin’almosttoaspeecheso’wow，thatyou’dputthat’ereqvestiononmyaccount？’
’Well，I’magreeabletodoit，’saidSam，’butnotifyougocuttin’awaylikethat，asthebullturnedroundandmildlyobservedtothedroverventheywosagoadin’himintothebutcher’sdoor。Thefactis，sir，’saidSam，addressingme，’thathewantstoknowsomethin’respectin’that’ereladyasishousekeeperhere。’
’Ay。Whatisthat？’
’Vy，sir，’saidSam，grinningstillmore，’hewishestoknowvethershe—’
’Inshort，’interposedoldMr。Wellerdecisively，aperspirationbreakingoutuponhisforehead，’vetherthat’ereoldcreeturisorisnotawidder。’
Mr。Pickwicklaughedheartily，andsodidI，asIreplieddecisively，that’myhousekeeperwasaspinster。’
’There！’criedSam，’nowyou’resatisfied。Youhearshe’saspinster。’
’Awot？’saidhisfather，withdeepscorn。
’Aspinster，’repliedSam。
Mr。Wellerlookedveryhardathissonforaminuteortwo，andthensaid，’Nevermindvethershemakesjokesornot，that’snomatter。WotI
sayis，isthat’erefemaleawidder，orisshenot？’
’Wotdoyoumeanbyhermakingjokes？’demandedSam，quiteaghastattheobscurityofhisparent’sspeech。
’Neveryoumind，Samivel，’returnedMr。Wellergravely;’punsmaybewerygoodthingsortheymaybewerybad’uns，andafemalemaybenonethebetterorshemaybenonethevurseformakingof’em;
that’sgotnothingtodovithwidders。’
’Wynow，’saidSam，lookinground，’wouldanybodybelieveasamanathistimeo’lifecouldberunninghisheadaginspinstersandpunstersbeingthesamething？’
’Therean’tastraw’sdifferencebetween’em，’saidMr。Weller。
’Yourfatherdidn’tdriveacoachforsomanyyears，nottobeekaltohisownlangvidgeasfarasTHATgoes，Sammy。’
Avoidingthequestionofetymology，uponwhichtheoldgentleman’smindwasquitemadeup，hewasseveraltimesassuredthatthehousekeeperhadneverbeenmarried。Heexpressedgreatsatisfactiononhearingthis，andapologisedforthequestion，remarkingthathehadbeengreatlyterrifiedbyawidownotlongbefore，andthathisnaturaltimiditywasincreasedinconsequence。
’Itwosontherail，’saidMr。Weller，withstrongemphasis;’Iwosagoin’downtoBirminghambytherail，andIwoslockedupinaclosecarriagevithalivingwidder。Alonewewos;thewidderandmewosalone;andIbelieveitwosonlybecauseweWOSaloneandtherewosnoclergymanintheconwayance，thatthat’erewidderdidn’tmarrymeaforevereachedthehalf—waystation。VenIthinkhowshebeganascreamingaswewosagoin’underthemtunnelsinthedark，—howshekeptonafaintin’andketchin’holdo’me，—
andhowItriedtobustopenthedooraswastight—lockedandperwentedallescape—Ah！Itwasaawfulthing，mostawful！’
Mr。Wellerwassoverymuchovercomebythisretrospectthathewasunable，untilhehadwipedhisbrowseveraltimes，toreturnanyreplytothequestionwhetherheapprovedofrailwaycommunication，notwithstandingthatitwouldappearfromtheanswerwhichheultimatelygave，thatheentertainedstrongopinionsonthesubject。
’Icon—sider，’saidMr。Weller，’thattherailisunconstitootionalandaninwasero’priwileges，andIshouldwerymuchliketoknowwhatthat’ereoldCarterasoncestoodupforourlibertiesandwun’emtoo，—Ishouldliketoknowwothevouldsay，ifhewosalivenow，toEnglishmenbeinglockedupvithwidders，orwithanybodyagaintheirwills。WotaoldCarterwouldhavesaid，aoldCoachmanmaysay，andIas—sertthatinthatpinto’viewalone，therailisaninwaser。Astothecomfort，vere’sthecomforto’
sittin’inaharm—cheerlookin’atbrickwallsorheapso’mud，nevercomin’toapublic—house，neverseein’aglasso’ale，nevergoin’throughapike，nevermeetin’achangeo’nokind（horsesorothervise），butalvayscomin’toaplace，venyoucometooneatall，thewerypictero’thelast，viththesamep’leesemenstandingabout，thesameblessedoldbellaringin’，thesameunfort’natepeoplestandingbehindthebars，awaitin’tobeletin;andeverythin’thesameexceptthename，vichiswroteupinthesamesizedlettersasthelastname，andviththesamecolours。AstotheHonouranddignityo’travellin’，verecanthatbevithoutacoachman;andwot’stherailtosichcoachmenandguardsasissometimesforcedtogobyit，butaoutrageandainsult？Astothepace，wotsorto’pacedoyouthinkI，TonyVeller，couldhavekeptacoachgoin’at，forfivehundredthousandpoundamile，paidinadwanceaforethecoachwasontheroad？Andastotheingein，—anasty，wheezin’，creakin’，gaspin’，puffin’，bustin’monster，alvaysouto’breath，vithashinygreen—and—goldback，likeaunpleasantbeetleinthat’eregasmagnifier，—astotheingeinasisalvaysapourin’outred—hotcoalsatnight，andblacksmokeintheday，thesensiblestthingitdoes，inmyopinion，is，venthere’ssomethin’inthevay，anditsetsupthat’erefrightfulscreamvichseemstosay，\"Nowhere’stwohundredandfortypassengersinthewerygreatestextremityo’danger，andhere’stheirtwohundredandfortyscreamsinvun！\"’
BythistimeIbegantofearthatmyfriendswouldberenderedimpatientbymyprotractedabsence。IthereforebeggedMr。
Pickwicktoaccompanymeup—stairs，andleftthetwoMr。Wellersinthecareofthehousekeeper，layingstrictinjunctionsuponhertotreatthemwithallpossiblehospitality。
CHAPTERIV—THECLOCK
Asweweregoingup—stairs，Mr。Pickwickputonhisspectacles，whichhehadheldinhishandhitherto;arrangedhisneckerchief，smootheddownhiswaistcoat，andmademanyotherlittlepreparationsofthatkindwhichmenareaccustomedtobemindfulof，whentheyaregoingamongstrangersforthefirsttime，andareanxioustoimpressthempleasantly。SeeingthatIsmiled，hesmiledtoo，andsaidthatifithadoccurredtohimbeforehelefthome，hewouldcertainlyhavepresentedhimselfinpumpsandsilkstockings。
’Iwould，indeed，mydearsir，’hesaidveryseriously;’Iwouldhaveshownmyrespectforthesociety，bylayingasidemygaiters。’
’Youmayrestassured，’saidI，’thattheywouldhaveregrettedyourdoingsoverymuch，fortheyarequiteattachedtothem。’
’No，really！’criedMr。Pickwick，withmanifestpleasure。’Doyouthinktheycareaboutmygaiters？Doyouseriouslythinkthattheyidentifymeatallwithmygaiters？’
’Iamsuretheydo，’Ireplied。
’Well，now，’saidMr。Pickwick，’thatisoneofthemostcharmingandagreeablecircumstancesthatcouldpossiblyhaveoccurredtome！’
Ishouldnothavewrittendownthisshortconversation，butthatitdevelopedaslightpointinMr。Pickwick’scharacter，withwhichI
wasnotpreviouslyacquainted。Hehasasecretprideinhislegs。
Themannerinwhichhespoke，andtheaccompanyingglancehebestoweduponhistights，convincemethatMr。Pickwickregardshislegswithmuchinnocentvanity。
’Buthereareourfriends，’saidI，openingthedoorandtakinghisarminmine;’letthemspeakforthemselves。—Gentlemen，IpresenttoyouMr。Pickwick。’
Mr。PickwickandImusthavebeenagoodcontrastjustthen。I，leaningquietlyonmycrutch—stick，withsomethingofacare—worn，patientair;he，havingholdofmyarm，andbowingineverydirectionwiththemostelasticpoliteness，andanexpressionoffacewhosesprightlycheerfulnessandgood—humourknewnobounds。
Thedifferencebetweenusmusthavebeenmorestrikingyet，asweadvancedtowardsthetable，andtheamiablegentleman，adaptinghisjocundsteptomypoortread，hadhisattentiondividedbetweentreatingmyinfirmitieswiththeutmostconsideration，andaffectingtobewhollyunconsciousthatIrequiredany。
Imadehimpersonallyknowntoeachofmyfriendsinturn。First，tothedeafgentleman，whomheregardedwithmuchinterest，andaccostedwithgreatfranknessandcordiality。Hehadevidentlysomevagueidea，atthemoment，thatmyfriendbeingdeafmustbedumbalso;forwhenthelatteropenedhislipstoexpressthepleasureitaffordedhimtoknowagentlemanofwhomhehadheardsomuch，Mr。Pickwickwassoextremelydisconcerted，thatIwasobligedtostepintohisrelief。
HismeetingwithJackRedburnwasquiteatreattosee。Mr。
Pickwicksmiled，andshookhands，andlookedathimthroughhisspectacles，andunderthem，andoverthem，andnoddedhisheadapprovingly，andthennoddedtome，asmuchastosay，’Thisisjusttheman;youwerequiteright;’andthenturnedtoJackandsaidafewheartywords，andthendidandsaideverythingoveragainwithunimpairedvivacity。AstoJackhimself，hewasquiteasmuchdelightedwithMr。PickwickasMr。Pickwickcouldpossiblybewithhim。Twopeoplenevercanhavemettogethersincetheworldbegan，whoexchangedawarmerormoreenthusiasticgreeting。
Itwasamusingtoobservethedifferencebetweenthisencounterandthatwhichsucceeded，betweenMr。PickwickandMr。Miles。ItwasclearthatthelattergentlemanviewedournewmemberasakindofrivalintheaffectionsofJackRedburn，andbesidesthis，hehadmorethanoncehintedtome，insecret，thatalthoughhehadnodoubtMr。Pickwickwasaveryworthyman，stillhedidconsiderthatsomeofhisexploitswereunbecomingagentlemanofhisyearsandgravity。Overandabovethesegroundsofdistrust，itisoneofhisfixedopinions，thatthelawnevercanbypossibilitydoanythingwrong;hethereforelooksuponMr。Pickwickasonewhohasjustlysufferedinpurseandpeaceforabreachofhisplightedfaithtoanunprotectedfemale，andholdsthatheiscalledupontoregardhimwithsomesuspiciononthataccount。Thesecausesledtoarathercoldandformalreception;whichMr。Pickwickacknowledgedwiththesamestatelinessandintensepolitenessaswasdisplayedontheotherside。Indeed，heassumedanairofsuchmajesticdefiance，thatIwasfearfulhemightbreakoutintosomesolemnprotestordeclaration，andthereforeinductedhimintohischairwithoutamoment’sdelay。
Thispieceofgeneralshipwasperfectlysuccessful。Theinstanthetookhisseat，Mr。Pickwicksurveyedusallwithamostbenevolentaspect，andwastakenwithafitofsmilingfullfiveminuteslong。
Hisinterestinourceremonieswasimmense。Theyarenotverynumerousorcomplicated，andadescriptionofthemmaybecomprisedinveryfewwords。Asourtransactionshavealreadybeen，andmustnecessarilycontinuetobe，moreorlessanticipatedbybeingpresentedinthesepagesatdifferenttimes，andundervariousforms，theydonotrequireadetailedaccount。
Ourfirstproceedingwhenweareassembledistoshakehandsallround，andgreeteachotherwithcheerfulandpleasantlooks。
Rememberingthatweassemblenotonlyforthepromotionofourhappiness，butwiththeviewofaddingsomethingtothecommonstock，anairoflanguororindifferenceinanymemberofourbodywouldberegardedbytheothersasakindoftreason。Wehaveneverhadanoffenderinthisrespect;butifwehad，thereisnodoubtthathewouldbetakentotaskprettyseverely。
Oursalutationover，thevenerablepieceofantiquityfromwhichwetakeournameiswoundupinsilence。TheceremonyisalwaysperformedbyMasterHumphreyhimself（intreatingoftheclub，I
maybepermittedtoassumethehistoricalstyle，andspeakofmyselfinthethirdperson），whomountsuponachairforthepurpose，armedwithalargekey。Whileitisinprogress，JackRedburnisrequiredtokeepatthefartherendoftheroomundertheguardianshipofMr。Miles，forheisknowntoentertaincertainaspiringandunhallowedthoughtsconnectedwiththeclock，andhasevengonesofarastostatethatifhemighttaketheworksoutforadayortwo，hethinkshecouldimprovethem。Wepardonhimhispresumptioninconsiderationofhisgoodintentions，andhiskeepingthisrespectfuldistance，whichlastpenaltyisinsistedon，lestbysecretlywoundingtheobjectofourregardinsometenderpart，intheardourofhiszealforitsimprovement，heshouldfilluswithdismayandconsternation。
ThisregulationaffordedMr。Pickwickthehighestdelight，andseemed，ifpossible，toexaltJackinhisgoodopinion。
Thenextceremonyistheopeningoftheclock—case（ofwhichMasterHumphreyhaslikewisethekey），thetakingfromitasmanypapersaswillfurnishforthourevening’sentertainment，andarrangingintherecesssuchnewcontributionsashavebeenprovidedsinceourlastmeeting。Thisisalwaysdonewithpeculiarsolemnity。Thedeafgentlemanthenfillsandlightshispipe，andweoncemoretakeourseatsroundthetablebeforementioned，MasterHumphreyactingaspresident，—ifwecanbesaidtohaveanypresident，whereallareonthesamesocialfooting，—andourfriendJackassecretary。Ourpreliminariesbeingnowconcluded，wefallintoanytrainofconversationthathappenstosuggestitself，orproceedimmediatelytooneofourreadings。Inthelattercase，thepaperselectedisconsignedtoMasterHumphrey，whoflattensitcarefullyonthetableandmakesdog’searsinthecornerofeverypage，readyforturningovereasily;JackRedburntrimsthelampwithasmallmachineofhisowninventionwhichusuallyputsitout;Mr。
Mileslooksonwithgreatapprovalnotwithstanding;thedeafgentlemandrawsinhischair，sothathecanfollowthewordsonthepaperoronMasterHumphrey’slipsashepleases;andMasterHumphreyhimself，lookingroundwithmightygratification，andglancingupathisoldclock，beginstoreadaloud。
Mr。Pickwick’sface，whilehistalewasbeingread，wouldhaveattractedtheattentionofthedullestmanalive。Thecomplacentmotionofhisheadandforefingerashegentlybeattime，andcorrectedtheairwithimaginarypunctuation，thesmilethatmantledonhisfeaturesateveryjocosepassage，andtheslylookhestolearoundtoobserveitseffect，thecalmmannerinwhichheshuthiseyesandlistenedwhentherewassomelittlepieceofdescription，thechangingexpressionwithwhichheactedthedialoguetohimself，hisagonythatthedeafgentlemanshouldknowwhatitwasallabout，andhisextraordinaryanxietytocorrectthereaderwhenhehesitatedatawordinthemanuscript，orsubstitutedawrongone，werealikeworthyofremark。Andwhenatlast，endeavouringtocommunicatewiththedeafgentlemanbymeansofthefingeralphabet，withwhichheconstructedsuchwordsasareunknowninanycivilisedorsavagelanguage，hetookupaslateandwroteinlargetext，onewordinaline，thequestion，’How—do—
you—like—it？’—whenhedidthis，andhandingitoverthetableawaitedthereply，withacountenanceonlybrightenedandimprovedbyhisgreatexcitement，evenMr。Milesrelaxed，andcouldnotforbearlookingathimforthemomentwithinterestandfavour。
’Ithasoccurredtome，’saidthedeafgentleman，whohadwatchedMr。Pickwickandeverybodyelsewithsilentsatisfaction—’ithasoccurredtome，’saidthedeafgentleman，takinghispipefromhislips，’thatnowisourtimeforfillingouronlyemptychair。’
Asourconversationhadnaturallyturneduponthevacantseat，welentawillingeartothisremark，andlookedatourfriendinquiringly。
’Ifeelsure，’saidhe，’thatMr。Pickwickmustbeacquaintedwithsomebodywhowouldbeanacquisitiontous;thathemustknowthemanwewant。Prayletusnotloseanytime，butsetthisquestionatrest。Isitso，Mr。Pickwick？’
Thegentlemanaddressedwasabouttoreturnaverbalreply，butrememberingourfriend’sinfirmity，hesubstitutedforthiskindofanswersomefiftynods。Thentakinguptheslateandprintingonitagigantic’Yes，’hehandeditacrossthetable，andrubbinghishandsashelookedrounduponourfaces，protestedthatheandthedeafgentlemanquiteunderstoodeachother，already。
’ThepersonIhaveinmymind，’saidMr。Pickwick，’andwhomI
shouldnothavepresumedtomentiontoyouuntilsometimehence，butfortheopportunityyouhavegivenme，isaverystrangeoldman。HisnameisBamber。’
’Bamber！’saidJack。’Ihavecertainlyheardthenamebefore。’
’Ihavenodoubt，then，’returnedMr。Pickwick，’thatyourememberhiminthoseadventuresofmine（thePosthumousPapersofouroldclub，Imean），althoughheisonlyincidentallymentioned;and，ifIrememberright，appearsbutonce。’
’That’sit，’saidJack。’Letmesee。HeisthepersonwhohasagraveinterestinoldmouldychambersandtheInnsofCourt，andwhorelatessomeanecdoteshavingreferencetohisfavouritetheme，—andanoddghoststory，—isthattheman？’
’Theverysame。Now，’saidMr。Pickwick，loweringhisvoicetoamysteriousandconfidentialtone，’heisaveryextraordinaryandremarkableperson;living，andtalking，andlooking，likesomestrangespirit，whosedelightistohauntoldbuildings;andabsorbedinthatonesubjectwhichyouhavejustmentioned，toanextentwhichisquitewonderful。WhenIretiredintoprivatelife，Isoughthimout，andIdoassureyouthatthemoreIseeofhim，themorestronglyIamimpressedwiththestrangeanddreamycharacterofhismind。’
’Wheredoeshelive？’Iinquired。
’Helives，’saidMr。Pickwick，’inoneofthosedull，lonelyoldplaceswithwhichhisthoughtsandstoriesareallconnected;quitealone，andoftenshutupcloseforseveralweekstogether。Inthisdustysolitudehebroodsuponthefancieshehassolongindulged，andwhenhegoesintotheworld，oranybodyfromtheworldwithoutgoestoseehim，theyarestillpresenttohismindandstillhisfavouritetopic。Imaysay，Ibelieve，thathehasbroughthimselftoentertainaregardforme，andaninterestinmyvisits;
feelingswhichIamcertainhewouldextendtoMasterHumphrey’sClockifhewereoncetemptedtojoinus。AllIwishyoutounderstandis，thatheisastrange，secludedvisionary，intheworldbutnotofit;andasunlikeanybodyhereasheisunlikeanybodyelsewherethatIhaveevermetorknown。’
Mr。Milesreceivedthisaccountofourproposedcompanionwithratherawryface，andaftermurmuringthatperhapshewasalittlemad，inquiredifhewererich。
’Ineveraskedhim，’saidMr。Pickwick。
’Youmightknow，sir，forallthat，’retortedMr。Miles，sharply。
’Perhapsso，sir，’saidMr。Pickwick，nolesssharplythantheother，’butIdonot。Indeed，’headded，relapsingintohisusualmildness，’Ihavenomeansofjudging。Helivespoorly，butthatwouldseemtobeinkeepingwithhischaracter。Ineverheardhimalludetohiscircumstances，andneverfellintothesocietyofanymanwhohadtheslightestacquaintancewiththem。IhavereallytoldyouallIknowabouthim，anditrestswithyoutosaywhetheryouwishtoknowmore，orknowquiteenoughalready。’
Wewereunanimouslyofopinionthatwewouldseektoknowmore;andasasortofcompromisewithMr。Miles（who，althoughhesaid’Yes—Ocertainly—heshouldliketoknowmoreaboutthegentleman—
hehadnorighttoputhimselfinoppositiontothegeneralwish，’
andsoforth，shookhisheaddoubtfullyandhemmedseveraltimeswithpeculiargravity），itwasarrangedthatMr。Pickwickshouldcarrymewithhimonaneveningvisittothesubjectofourdiscussion，forwhichpurposeanearlyappointmentbetweenthatgentlemanandmyselfwasimmediatelyagreedupon;itbeingunderstoodthatIwastoactuponmyownresponsibility，andtoinvitehimtojoinusornot，asImightthinkproper。Thissolemnquestiondetermined，wereturnedtotheclock—case（wherewehavebeenforestalledbythereader），andbetweenitscontents，andtheconversationtheyoccasioned，theremainderofourtimepassedveryquickly。
Whenwebrokeup，Mr。Pickwicktookmeasidetotellmethathehadspentamostcharminganddelightfulevening。Havingmadethiscommunicationwithanairofthestrictestsecrecy，hetookJackRedburnintoanothercornertotellhimthesame，andthenretiredintoanothercornerwiththedeafgentlemanandtheslate，torepeattheassurance。ItwasamusingtoobservethecontestinhismindwhetherheshouldextendhisconfidencetoMr。Miles，ortreathimwithdignifiedreserve。Halfadozentimeshesteppedupbehindhimwithafriendlyair，andasoftensteppedbackagainwithoutsayingaword;atlast，whenhewascloseatthatgentleman’searandupontheverypointofwhisperingsomethingconciliatingandagreeable，Mr。Mileshappenedsuddenlytoturnhishead，uponwhichMr。Pickwickskippedaway，andsaidwithsomefierceness，’Goodnight，sir—Iwasabouttosaygoodnight，sir，—nothingmore;’andsomadeabowandlefthim。
’Now，Sam，’saidMr。Pickwick，whenhehadgotdown—stairs。
’Allright，sir，’repliedMr。Weller。’Holdhard，sir。Rightarmfust—nowtheleft—nowonestrongconwulsion，andthegreat—
coat’son，sir。’
Mr。Pickwickacteduponthesedirections，andbeingfurtherassistedbySam，whopulledatonesideofthecollar，andMr。
Weller，whopulledhardattheother，wasspeedilyenrobed。Mr。
Weller，senior，thenproducedafull—sizedstablelantern，whichhehadcarefullydepositedinaremotecorner，onhisarrival，andinquiredwhetherMr。Pickwickwouldhave’thelampsalight。’
’Ithinknotto—night，’saidMr。Pickwick。
’Thenifthishereladyvillper—mit，’rejoinedMr。Weller，’we’llleaveithere，readyfornextjourney。Thisherelantern，mum，’
saidMr。Weller，handingittothehousekeeper，’vuncebelongedtothecelebratedBillBlinderasisnowatgrass，asallonusvillbeinourturns。Bill，mum，wosthehostlerashadchargeo’themtwovell—knownpiebaldleadersthatrunintheBristolfastcoach，andvouldnevergotonoothertunebutasutherlyvindandacloudysky，whichwosconsekventlyplayedincessant，bytheguard，wenevertheywosonduty。Hewostookwerybadonearternoon，arterhavingbeenoffhisfeed，andweryshakyonhislegsforsomeveeks;andhesaystohismate，\"Matey，\"hesays，\"IthinkI’ma—
goin’thewrongsideo’thepost，andthatmyfoot’swerynearthebucket。Don’tsayIan’t，\"hesays，\"forIknowIam，anddon’tletmebeinterrupted，\"hesays，\"forI’vesavedalittlemoney，andI’ma—goin’intothestabletomakemylastvillandtestymint。\"\"I’lltakecareasnobodyinterrupts，\"sayshismate，\"butyouon’yholdupyourhead，andshakeyourearsabit，andyou’regoodfortwentyyearstocome。\"BillBlindermakeshimnoanswer，buthegoesavayintothestable，andtherehesoonartervardslayshimselfdowna’tweenthetwopiebalds，anddies，—
previouslyawritin’outsidethecorn—chest，\"ThisisthelastvillandtestymintofVilliamBlinder。\"Theywosnat’rallywerymuchamazedatthis，andarterlookingamongthelitter，andupintheloft，andverenot，theyopensthecorn—chest，andfindsthathe’dbeenandchalkedhisvillinsidethelid;sothelidwasobligatedtobetookoffthehinges，andsentuptoDoctorCommonstobeproved，andunderthat’ereweryinstrumentthisherelanternwaspassedtoTonyVeller;vichcircumstarnce，mum，givesitawallyinmyeyes，andmakesmerekvest，ifyouvillbesokind，astotakeparticklercareonit。’
ThehousekeepergraciouslypromisedtokeeptheobjectofMr。
Weller’sregardinthesafestpossiblecustody，andMr。Pickwick，withalaughingface，tookhisleave。Thebodyguardfollowed，sidebyside;oldMr。Wellerbuttonedandwrappedupfromhisbootstohischin;andSamwithhishandsinhispocketsandhishathalfoffhishead，remonstratingwithhisfather，ashewent，onhisextremeloquacity。
Iwasnotalittlesurprised，onturningtogoup—stairs，toencounterthebarberinthepassageatthatlatehour;forhisattendanceisusuallyconfinedtosomehalf—hourinthemorning。
ButJackRedburn，whofindsout（byinstinct，Ithink）everythingthathappensinthehouse，informedmewithgreatglee，thatasocietyinimitationofourownhadbeenthatnightformedinthekitchen，underthetitleof’Mr。Weller’sWatch，’ofwhichthebarberwasamember;andthathecouldpledgehimselftofindmeansofmakingmeacquaintedwiththewholeofitsfutureproceedings，whichIbeggedhim，bothonmyownaccountandthatofmyreaders，bynomeanstoneglectdoing。
CHAPTERV—MR。WELLER’SWATCH
ITSEEMSthatthehousekeeperandthetwoMr。Wellerswerenosoonerlefttogetherontheoccasionoftheirfirstbecomingacquainted，thanthehousekeepercalledtoherassistanceMr。
Slithersthebarber，whohadbeenlurkinginthekitcheninexpectationofhersummons;andwithmanysmilesandmuchsweetnessintroducedhimasonewhowouldassistherintheresponsibleofficeofentertainingherdistinguishedvisitors。
’Indeed，’saidshe，’withoutMr。SlithersIshouldhavebeenplacedinquiteanawkwardsituation。’
’Thereisnocallforanyhock’erdness，mum，’saidMr。Wellerwiththeutmostpoliteness;’nocallwotsumever。Alady，’addedtheoldgentleman，lookingabouthimwiththeairofonewhoestablishesanincontrovertibleposition，—’aladycan’tbehock’erd。Natur’hasotherwisepurwided。’
Thehousekeeperinclinedherheadandsmiledyetmoresweetly。Thebarber，whohadbeenflutteringaboutMr。WellerandSaminastateofgreatanxietytoimprovetheiracquaintance，rubbedhishandsandcried，’Hear，hear！Verytrue，sir;’whereuponSamturnedaboutandsteadilyregardedhimforsomesecondsinsilence。
’Ineverknew，’saidSam，fixinghiseyesinaruminativemannerupontheblushingbarber，—’Ineverknewbutvuno’yourtrade，butHEwosworthadozen，andwosindeeddewotedtohiscallin’！’
’Washeintheeasyshavingway，sir，’inquiredMr。Slithers;’orinthecuttingandcurlingline？’
’Both，’repliedSam;’easyshavin’washisnatur’，andcuttin’andcurlin’washisprideandglory。Hiswholedelightwosinhistrade。Hespentallhismoneyinbears，andrunindebtfor’embesides，andtheretheywosagrowlingavaydowninthefrontcellaralldaylong，andineffectooallygnashingtheirteeth，vilethegreaseo’theirrelationsandfriendswosbeingre—tailedingallipotsintheshopabove，andthefirst—floorwinderwosornamentedviththeirheads;nottospeako’thedreadfulaggrawationitmusthavebeento’emtoseeamanalvaysawalkin’
upanddownthepavementoutside，viththeportraitofabearinhislastagonies，andunderneathinlargeletters，\"AnotherfineanimalwosslaughteredyesterdayatJinkinson’s！\"Hows’ever，theretheywos，andthereJinkinsonwos，tillhewostookweryillwithsomeinn’arddisorder，losttheuseofhislegs，andwosconfinedtohisbed，verehelaidawerylongtime，butsichwoshisprideinhisprofession，eventhen，thatweneverhewosworsethanusualthedoctorusedtogodown—stairsandsay，\"Jinkinson’swerylowthismornin’;wemustgivethebearsastir;\"andassureasevertheystirred’emupabitandmade’emroar，Jinkinsonopenshiseyesifhewoseversobad，callsout，\"There’sthebears！\"andrewivesagin。’
’Astonishing！’criedthebarber。
’Notabit，’saidSam，’humannatur’neatasimported。Vundaythedoctorhappenin’tosay，\"Ishalllookinasusualto—morrowmornin’，\"Jinkinsoncatchesholdofhishandandsays，\"Doctor，\"hesays，\"willyougrantmeonefavour？\"\"Iwill，Jinkinson，\"saysthedoctor。\"Then，doctor，\"saysJinkinson，\"villyoucomeunshaved，andletmeshaveyou？\"\"Iwill，\"saysthedoctor。\"Godblessyou，\"saysJinkinson。Nextdaythedoctorcame，andarterhe’dbeenshavedallskilfulandreg’lar，hesays，\"Jinkinson，\"hesays，\"it’sweryplainthisdoesyougood。Now，\"hesays，\"I’vegotacoachmanashasgotabeardthatit’udwarmyourhearttoworkon，andthoughthefootman，\"hesays，\"hasn’tgotmuchofabeard，stillhe’satryingitonvithapairo’viskerstothatextentthatrazorsisChristiancharity。Iftheytakeitinturnstomindthecarriagewhenit’sawaitin’below，\"hesays，\"wot’stohinderyoufromoperatin’onbothof’emev’rydayaswellasuponme？you’vegotsixchildren，\"hesays，\"wot’stohinderyoufromshavin’alltheirheadsandkeepin’’emshaved？you’vegottwoassistantsintheshopdown—stairs，wot’stohinderyoufromcuttin’andcurlin’themasoftenasyoulike？Dothis，\"hesays，\"andyou’reamanagin。\"Jinkinsonsqueedgedthedoctor’shandandbegunthatweryday;hekepthistoolsuponthebed，andweneverhefelthis—selfgettin’worse，heturnedtoatvuno’thechildrenwhowosarunnin’aboutthehousevithheadslikecleanDutchcheeses，andshavedhimagin。Vundaythelawyercometomakehisvill;allthetimehewosatakin’itdown，Jinkinsonwassecretlyaclippin’avayathishairvithalargepairofscissors。\"Wot’sthat’eresnippin’noise？\"saysthelawyereverynowandthen;
\"it’slikeamanhavin’hishaircut。\"\"ItISwerylikeamanhavin’hishaircut，\"sayspoorJinkinson，hidin’thescissors，andlookin’quiteinnocent。Bythetimethelawyerfounditout，hewaswerynearlybald。Jinkinsonwoskeptaliveinthisvayforalongtime，butatlastvundayhehasinallthechildrenvunarteranother，shaveseachon’emweryclean，andgiveshimvunkissonthecrowno’hishead;thenhehasinthetwoassistants，andartercuttin’andcurlin’of’eminthefirststyleofelegance，saysheshouldliketohearthewoiceo’thegreasiestbear，vichrekvestisimmediatelycompliedwith;thenhesaysthathefeelsweryhappyinhismindandvishestobeleftalone;andthenhedies，previouslycuttin’hisownhairandmakin’oneflatcurlinthewerymiddleofhisforehead。’
Thisanecdoteproducedanextraordinaryeffect，notonlyuponMr。
Slithers，butuponthehousekeeperalso，whoevincedsomuchanxietytopleaseandbepleased，thatMr。Weller，withamannerbetokeningsomealarm，conveyedawhisperedinquirytohissonwhetherhehadgone’toofur。’
’Wotdoyoumeanbytoofur？’demandedSam。
’Inthat’erelittlecomplimentrespectin’thewantofhock’erdnessinladies，Sammy，’repliedhisfather。
’Youdon’tthinkshe’sfalleninlovewithyouinconsekenso’
that，doyou？’saidSam。
’Moreunlikelierthingshavecometopass，myboy，’repliedMr。
Wellerinahoarsewhisper;’I’malwaysafeerdofinadwertentcaptiwation，Sammy。IfIknow’dhowtomakemyselfuglyorunpleasant，I’ddoit，Samivel，raytherthanliveinthisherestateofperpetivalterror！’
Mr。Wellerhad，atthattime，nofurtheropportunityofdwellingupontheapprehensionswhichbesethismind，fortheimmediateoccasionofhisfearsproceededtoleadthewaydown—stairs，apologisingastheywentforconductinghimintothekitchen，whichapartment，however，shewasinducedtoprofferforhisaccommodationinpreferencetoherownlittleroom，theratherasitaffordedgreaterfacilitiesforsmoking，andwasimmediatelyadjoiningtheale—cellar。Thepreparationswhichwerealreadymadesufficientlyprovedthatthesewerenotmerewordsofcourse，foronthedealtablewereasturdyale—jugandglasses，flankedwithcleanpipesandaplentifulsupplyoftobaccofortheoldgentlemanandhisson，whileonadresserhardbywasgoodlystoreofcoldmeatandothereatables。AtsightofthesearrangementsMr。Wellerwasatfirstdistractedbetweenhisloveofjovialityandhisdoubtswhethertheywerenottobeconsideredassomanyevidencesofcaptivationhavingalreadytakenplace;buthesoonyieldedtohisnaturalimpulse，andtookhisseatatthetablewithaveryjollycountenance。
’Astoimbibin’anyo’thishereflagrantveed，mum，inthepresenceofalady，’saidMr。Weller，takingupapipeandlayingitdownagain，’itcouldn’tbe。Samivel，totalabstinence，ifYOU
please。’
’ButIlikeitofallthings，’saidthehousekeeper。
’No，’rejoinedMr。Weller，shakinghishead，—’no。’
’UponmywordIdo，’saidthehousekeeper。’Mr。SlithersknowsI
do。’
Mr。Wellercoughed，andnotwithstandingthebarber’sconfirmationofthestatement，said’No’again，butmorefeeblythanbefore。
Thehousekeeperlightedapieceofpaper，andinsistedonapplyingittothebowlofthepipewithherownfairhands;Mr。Wellerresisted;thehousekeepercriedthatherfingerswouldbeburnt;
Mr。Wellergaveway。Thepipewasignited，Mr。Wellerdrewalongpuffofsmoke，anddetectinghimselfintheveryactofsmilingonthehousekeeper，putasuddenconstraintuponhiscountenanceandlookedsternlyatthecandle，withadeterminationnottocaptivate，himself，orencouragethoughtsofcaptivationinothers。
Fromthisironframeofmindhewasrousedbythevoiceofhisson。
’Idon’tthink，’saidSam，whowassmokingwithgreatcomposureandenjoyment，’thatiftheladywosagreeableit’udbeweryfarouto’thevayforusfourtomakeupaclubofourownlikethegovernorsdoesup—stairs，andlethim，’Sampointedwiththestemofhispipetowardshisparent，’bethepresident。’
Thehousekeeperaffablydeclaredthatitwastheverythingshehadbeenthinkingof。Thebarbersaidthesame。Mr。Wellersaidnothing，buthelaiddownhispipeasifinafitofinspiration，andperformedthefollowingmanoeuvres。
Unbuttoningthethreelowerbuttonsofhiswaistcoatandpausingforamomenttoenjoytheeasyflowofbreathconsequentuponthisprocess，helaidviolenthandsuponhiswatch—chain，andslowlyandwithextremedifficultydrewfromhisfobanimmensedouble—casedsilverwatch，whichbroughttheliningofthepocketwithit，andwasnottobedisentangledbutbygreatexertionsandanamazingrednessofface。Havingfairlygotitoutatlast，hedetachedtheoutercaseandwounditupwithakeyofcorrespondingmagnitude;
thenputthecaseonagain，andhavingappliedthewatchtohiseartoascertainthatitwasstillgoing，gaveitsomehalf—dozenhardknocksonthetabletoimproveitsperformance。
’That，’saidMr。Weller，layingitonthetablewithitsfaceupwards，’isthetitleandemblemo’thisheresociety。Sammy，reachthemtwostoolsthisvayforthewacantcheers。Ladiesandgen’lmen，Mr。Weller’sWatchisvoundupandnowa—goin’。Order！’
Bywayofenforcingthisproclamation，Mr。Weller，usingthewatchafterthemannerofapresident’shammer，andremarkingwithgreatpridethatnothinghurtit，andthatfallsandconcussionsofallkindsmateriallyenhancedtheexcellenceoftheworksandassistedtheregulator，knockedthetableagreatmanytimes，anddeclaredtheassociationformallyconstituted。
’Anddon’tlet’shavenogrinnin’atthecheer，Samivel，’saidMr。
Wellertohisson，’orIshallbecommittin’youtothecellar，andthenp’r’apswemaygetintowhatthe’Merrikinscallafix，andtheEnglishaqvestiono’privileges。’
Havingutteredthisfriendlycaution，thePresidentsettledhimselfinhischairwithgreatdignity，andrequestedthatMr。Samuelwouldrelateananecdote。
’I’vetoldone，’saidSam。
’Werygood，sir;tellanother，’returnedthechair。
’Wewosatalkingjistnow，sir，’saidSam，turningtoSlithers，’aboutbarbers。Pursuingthat’erefruitfultheme，sir，I’lltellyouinaweryfewwordsaromanticlittlestoryaboutanotherbarberasp’r’apsyoumayneverhaveheerd。’
’Samivel！’saidMr。Weller，againbringinghiswatchandthetableintosmartcollision，’addressyourobserwationstothecheer，sir，andnottopriwateindiwiduals！’
’AndifImightrisetoorder，’saidthebarberinasoftvoice，andlookingroundhimwithaconciliatorysmileasheleantoverthetable，withtheknucklesofhislefthandrestinguponit，—
’ifIMIGHTrisetoorder，Iwouldsuggestthat\"barbers\"isnotexactlythekindoflanguagewhichisagreeableandsoothingtoourfeelings。You，sir，willcorrectmeifI’mwrong，butIbelievethereISsuchawordinthedictionaryashairdressers。’
’Well，butsupposehewasn’tahairdresser，’suggestedSam。
’Wythen，sir，beparliamentaryandcallhimvunallthemore，’
returnedhisfather。’Inthesamevayasev’rygen’lmaninanotherplaceisaHonourable，ev’rybarberinthisplaceisahairdresser。
Venyoureadthespeechesinthepapers，andseeasvungen’lmansaysofanother，\"theHonourablemember，ifhevillallowmetocallhimso，\"youvillunderstand，sir，thatthatmeans，\"ifhevillallowmetokeepupthat’erepleasantanduniwersalfiction。\"’
Itisacommonremark，confirmedbyhistoryandexperience，thatgreatmenrisewiththecircumstancesinwhichtheyareplaced。