IremembermywifeandIsawtheNewYearin。Wesatattable,chewedlazily,andheardthedeaftelegraphclerkmonotonouslytappingonhisapparatusinthenextroom。Ihadalreadydrunkfiveglassesofdruggedvodka,and,proppingmyheavyheadonmyfist,thoughtofmyoverpoweringboredomfromwhichtherewasnoescape,whilemywifesatbesidemeanddidnottakehereyesoffme。Shelookedatmeasnoonecanlookbutawomanwhohasnothinginthisworldbutahandsomehusband。Shelovedmemadly,slavishly,andnotmerelymygoodlooks,ormysoul,butmysins,myill-humorandboredom,andevenmycrueltywhen,indrunkenfury,notknowinghowtoventmyill-humor,Itormentedherwithreproaches。
Inspiteoftheboredomwhichwasconsumingme,wewerepreparingtoseetheNewYearinwithexceptionalfestiveness,andwereawaitingmidnightwithsomeimpatience。Thefactis,wehadinreservetwobottlesofchampagne,therealthing,withthelabelofVeuveClicquot;thistreasureIhadwonthepreviousautumninabetwiththestation-masterofD。whenIwasdrinkingwithhimatachristening。Itsometimeshappensduringalessoninmathematics,whentheveryairisstillwithboredom,abutterflyfluttersintotheclass-room;theboystosstheirheadsandbeginwatchingitsflightwithinterest,asthoughtheysawbeforethemnotabutterflybutsomethingnewandstrange;inthesamewayordinarychampagne,chancingtocomeintoourdrearystation,rousedus。Wesatinsilencelookingalternatelyattheclockandatthebottles。
WhenthehandspointedtofiveminutestotwelveIslowlybeganuncorkingabottle。Idon’tknowwhetherIwasaffectedbythevodka,orwhetherthebottlewaswet,butallIrememberisthatwhenthecorkflewuptotheceilingwithabang,mybottleslippedoutofmyhandsandfellonthefloor。Notmorethanaglassofthewinewasspilt,asImanagedtocatchthebottleandputmythumboverthefoamingneck。
\"Well,maytheNewYearbringyouhappiness!\"Isaid,fillingtwoglasses。\"Drink!\"
Mywifetookherglassandfixedherfrightenedeyesonme。Herfacewaspaleandworealookofhorror。
\"Didyoudropthebottle?\"sheasked。
\"Yes。Butwhatofthat?\"
\"It’sunlucky,\"shesaid,puttingdownherglassandturningpalerstill。\"It’sabadomen。Itmeansthatsomemisfortunewillhappentousthisyear。\"
\"Whatasillythingyouare,\"Isighed。\"Youareacleverwoman,andyetyoutalkasmuchnonsenseasanoldnurse。Drink。\"
\"Godgrantitisnonsense,but……somethingissuretohappen!
You’llsee。\"
Shedidnotevensipherglass,shemovedawayandsankintothought。Iutteredafewstalecommonplacesaboutsuperstition,drankhalfabottle,pacedupanddown,andthenwentoutoftheroom。
Outsidetherewasthestillfrostynightinallitscold,inhospitablebeauty。Themoonandtwowhitefluffycloudsbesideithungjustoverthestation,motionlessasthoughgluedtothespot,andlookedasthoughwaitingforsomething。Afainttransparentlightcamefromthemandtouchedthewhiteearthsoftly,asthoughafraidofwoundinghermodesty,andlightedupeverything——thesnowdrifts,theembankment……Itwasstill。
Iwalkedalongtherailwayembankment。
\"Sillywoman,\"Ithought,lookingattheskyspangledwithbrilliantstars。\"Evenifoneadmitsthatomenssometimestellthetruth,whatevilcanhappentous?Themisfortuneswehaveenduredalready,andwhicharefacingusnow,aresogreatthatitisdifficulttoimagineanythingworse。Whatfurtherharmcanyoudoafishwhichhasbeencaughtandfriedandservedupwithsauce?\"
Apoplarcoveredwithhoarfrostlookedinthebluishdarknesslikeagiantwraptinashroud。Itlookedatmesullenlyanddejectedly,asthoughlikemeitrealizeditsloneliness。Istoodalongwhilelookingatit。
\"Myyouthisthrownawayfornothing,likeauselesscigaretteend,\"Iwentonmusing。\"MyparentsdiedwhenIwasalittlechild;Iwasexpelledfromthehighschool,Iwasbornofanoblefamily,butIhavereceivedneithereducationnorbreeding,andIhavenomoreknowledgethanthehumblestmechanic。Ihavenorefuge,norelations,nofriends,noworkIlike。Iamnotfittedforanything,andintheprimeofmypowersIamgoodfornothingbuttobestuffedintothislittlestation;Ihaveknownnothingbuttroubleandfailureallmylife。Whatcanhappenworse?\"
Redlightscameintosightinthedistance。Atrainwasmovingtowardsme。Theslumberingsteppelistenedtothesoundofit。MythoughtsweresobitterthatitseemedtomethatIwasthinkingaloudandthatthemoanofthetelegraphwireandtherumbleofthetrainwereexpressingmythoughts。
\"Whatcanhappenworse?Thelossofmywife?\"Iwondered。\"Eventhatisnotterrible。It’snogoodhidingitfrommyconscience:
Idon’tlovemywife。ImarriedherwhenIwasonlyawretchedboy;nowIamyoungandvigorous,andshehasgoneoffandgrownolderandsillier,stuffedfromherheadtoherheelswithconventionalideas。Whatcharmisthereinhermaudlinlove,inherhollowchest,inherlusterlesseyes?Iputupwithher,butIdon’tloveher。Whatcanhappen?Myyouthisbeingwasted,asthesayingis,forapinchofsnuff。Womenflitbeforemyeyesonlyinthecarriagewindows,likefallingstars。LoveIneverhadandhavenot。Mymanhood,mycourage,mypoweroffeelingaregoingtoruin……Everythingisbeingthrownawaylikedirt,andallmywealthhereinthesteppeisnotworthafarthing。\"
Thetrainrushedpastmewitharoarandindifferentlycasttheglowofitsredlightsuponme。Isawitstopbythegreenlightsofthestation,stopforaminuteandrumbleoffagain。AfterwalkingamileandahalfIwentback。Melancholythoughtshauntedmestill。Painfulasitwastome,yetIrememberItriedasitweretomakemythoughtsstillgloomierandmoremelancholy。Youknowpeoplewhoarevainandnotverycleverhavemomentswhentheconsciousnessthattheyaremiserableaffordsthempositivesatisfaction,andtheyevencoquetwiththeirmiseryfortheirownentertainment。TherewasagreatdealoftruthinwhatIthought,buttherewasalsoagreatdealthatwasabsurdandconceited,andtherewassomethingboyishlydefiantinmyquestion:\"Whatcouldhappenworse?\"
\"Andwhatistheretohappen?\"Iaskedmyself。\"IthinkIhaveenduredeverything。I’vebeenill,I’velostmoney,Igetreprimandedbymysuperiorseveryday,andIgohungry,andamadwolfhasrunintothestationyard。Whatmoreisthere?Ihavebeeninsulted,humiliated,……andIhaveinsultedothersinmytime。Ihavenotbeenacriminal,itistrue,butIdon’tthinkI
amcapableofcrime——Iamnotafraidofbeinghauledupforit。\"
Thetwolittlecloudshadmovedawayfromthemoonandstoodatalittledistance,lookingasthoughtheywerewhisperingaboutsomethingwhichthemoonmustnotknow。Alightbreezewasracingacrossthesteppe,bringingthefaintrumbleoftheretreatingtrain。
Mywifemetmeatthedoorway。Hereyeswerelaughinggailyandherwholefacewasbeamingwithgood-humor。
\"Thereisnewsforyou!\"shewhispered。\"Makehaste,gotoyourroomandputonyournewcoat;wehaveavisitor。\"
\"Whatvisitor?\"
\"AuntNatalyaPetrovnahasjustcomebythetrain。\"
\"WhatNatalyaPetrovna?\"
\"ThewifeofmyuncleSemyonFyodoritch。Youdon’tknowher。Sheisaverynice,goodwoman。\"
ProbablyIfrowned,formywifelookedgraveandwhisperedrapidly:
\"Ofcourseitisqueerherhavingcome,butdon’tbecross,Nikolay,anddon’tbehardonher。Sheisunhappy,youknow;
UncleSemyonFyodoritchreallyisill-naturedandtyrannical,itisdifficulttolivewithhim。Shesaysshewillonlystaythreedayswithus,onlytillshegetsaletterfromherbrother。\"
Mywifewhisperedagreatdealmorenonsensetomeaboutherdespoticuncle;abouttheweaknessofmankindingeneralandofyoungwivesinparticular;aboutitsbeingourdutytogivesheltertoall,evengreatsinners,andsoon。Unabletomakeheadortailofit,Iputonmynewcoatandwenttomakeacquaintancewithmy\"aunt。\"
Alittlewomanwithlargeblackeyeswassittingatthetable。Mytable,thegraywalls,myroughly-madesofa,everythingtothetiniestgrainofdustseemedtohavegrownyoungerandmorecheerfulinthepresenceofthisnew,young,beautiful,anddissolutecreature,whohadamostsubtleperfumeabouther。AndthatourvisitorwasaladyofeasyvirtueIcouldseefromhersmile,fromherscent,fromthepeculiarwayinwhichsheglancedandmadeplaywithhereyelashes,fromthetoneinwhichshetalkedwithmywife——arespectablewoman。Therewasnoneedtotellmeshehadrunawayfromherhusband,thatherhusbandwasoldanddespotic,thatshewasgood-naturedandlively;Itookitallinatthefirstglance。Indeed,itisdoubtfulwhetherthereisamaninallEuropewhocannotspotatthefirstglanceawomanofacertaintemperament。
\"IdidnotknowIhadsuchabignephew!\"saidmyaunt,holdingoutherhandtomeandsmiling。
\"AndIdidnotknowIhadsuchaprettyaunt,\"Ianswered。
Supperbeganoveragain。Thecorkflewwithabangoutofthesecondbottle,andmyauntswallowedhalfaglassfulatagulp,andwhenmywifewentoutoftheroomforamomentmyauntdidnotscrupletodrainafullglass。Iwasdrunkbothwiththewineandwiththepresenceofawoman。Doyourememberthesong?
\"Eyesblackaspitch,eyesfullofpassion,Eyesburningbrightandbeautiful,HowIloveyou,HowIfearyou!\"
Idon’trememberwhathappenednext。Anyonewhowantstoknowhowlovebeginsmayreadnovelsandlongstories;Iwillputitshortlyandinthewordsofthesamesillysong:
\"ItwasanevilhourWhenfirstImetyou。\"
Everythingwentheadoverheelstothedevil。Irememberafearful,franticwhirlwindwhichsentmeflyingroundlikeafeather。Itlastedalongwhile,andsweptfromthefaceoftheearthmywifeandmyauntherselfandmystrength。Fromthelittlestationinthesteppeithasflungme,asyousee,intothisdarkstreet。
Nowtellmewhatfurtherevilcanhappentome?
AFTERTHETHEATRE
NADYAZELENINhadjustcomebackwithhermammafromthetheatrewhereshehadseenaperformanceof\"YevgenyOnyegin。\"Assoonasshereachedherownroomshethrewoffherdress,letdownherhair,andinherpetticoatandwhitedressing-jackethastilysatdowntothetabletowritealetterlikeTatyana’s。
\"Iloveyou,\"shewrote,\"butyoudonotloveme,donotloveme!\"
Shewroteitandlaughed。
Shewasonlysixteenanddidnotyetloveanyone。SheknewthatanofficercalledGornyandastudentcalledGruzdevlovedher,butnowaftertheoperashewantedtobedoubtfuloftheirlove。
Tobeunlovedandunhappy——howinterestingthatwas。Thereissomethingbeautiful,touching,andpoeticalaboutitwhenonelovesandtheotherisindifferent。Onyeginwasinterestingbecausehewasnotinloveatall,andTatyanawasfascinatingbecauseshewassomuchinlove;butiftheyhadbeenequallyinlovewitheachotherandhadbeenhappy,theywouldperhapshaveseemeddull。
\"Leaveoffdeclaringthatyouloveme,\"Nadyawentonwriting,thinkingofGorny。\"Icannotbelieveit。Youareveryclever,cultivated,serious,youhaveimmensetalent,andperhapsabrilliantfutureawaitsyou,whileIamanuninterestinggirlofnoimportance,andyouknowverywellthatIshouldbeonlyahindranceinyourlife。Itistruethatyouwereattractedbymeandthoughtyouhadfoundyouridealinme,butthatwasamistake,andnowyouareaskingyourselfindespair:’WhydidI
meetthatgirl?’Andonlyyourgoodnessofheartpreventsyoufromowningittoyourself……\"
Nadyafeltsorryforherself,shebegantocry,andwenton:
\"Itishardformetoleavemymotherandmybrother,orIshouldtakeanun’sveilandgowhitherchancemayleadme。Andyouwouldbeleftfreeandwouldloveanother。Oh,ifIweredead!\"
Shecouldnotmakeoutwhatshehadwrittenthroughhertears;
littlerainbowswerequiveringonthetable,onthefloor,ontheceiling,asthoughshewerelookingthroughaprism。Shecouldnotwrite,shesankbackinhereasy-chairandfelltothinkingofGorny。
MyGod!howinteresting,howfascinatingmenwere!Nadyarecalledthefineexpression,ingratiating,guilty,andsoft,whichcameintotheofficer’sfacewhenonearguedaboutmusicwithhim,andtheefforthemadetopreventhisvoicefrombetrayinghispassion。Inasocietywherecoldhaughtinessandindifferenceareregardedassignsofgoodbreedingandgentlemanlybearing,onemustconcealone’spassions。Andhedidtrytoconcealthem,buthedidnotsucceed,andeveryoneknewverywellthathehadapassionateloveofmusic。Theendlessdiscussionsaboutmusicandtheboldcriticismsofpeoplewhoknewnothingaboutitkepthimalwaysonthestrain;hewasfrightened,timid,andsilent。Heplayedthepianomagnificently,likeaprofessionalpianist,andifhehadnotbeeninthearmyhewouldcertainlyhavebeenafamousmusician。
Thetearsonhereyesdried。NadyarememberedthatGornyhaddeclaredhisloveataSymphonyconcert,andagaindownstairsbythehatstandwheretherewasatremendousdraughtblowinginalldirections。
\"IamverygladthatyouhaveatlastmadetheacquaintanceofGruzdev,ourstudentfriend,\"shewentonwriting。\"Heisaverycleverman,andyouwillbesuretolikehim。Hecametoseeusyesterdayandstayedtilltwoo’clock。Wewerealldelightedwithhim,andIregrettedthatyouhadnotcome。Hesaidagreatdealthatwasremarkable。\"
Nadyalaidherarmsonthetableandleanedherheadonthem,andherhaircoveredtheletter。Sherecalledthatthestudent,too,lovedher,andthathehadasmuchrighttoaletterfromherasGorny。Wouldn’titbebetterafteralltowritetoGruzdev?
Therewasastirofjoyinherbosomfornoreasonwhatever;atfirstthejoywassmall,androlledinherbosomlikeanindia-rubberball;thenitbecamemoremassive,bigger,andrushedlikeawave。NadyaforgotGornyandGruzdev;herthoughtswereinatangleandherjoygrewandgrew;fromherbosomitpassedintoherarmsandlegs,anditseemedasthoughalight,coolbreezewerebreathingonherheadandrufflingherhair。Hershouldersquiveredwithsubduedlaughter,thetableandthelampchimneyshook,too,andtearsfromhereyessplashedontheletter。Shecouldnotstoplaughing,andtoprovetoherselfthatshewasnotlaughingaboutnothingshemadehastetothinkofsomethingfunny。
\"Whatafunnypoodle,\"shesaid,feelingasthoughshewouldchokewithlaughter。\"Whatafunnypoodle!\"
Shethoughthow,afterteatheeveningbefore,GruzdevhadplayedwithMaximthepoodle,andafterwardshadtoldthemaboutaveryintelligentpoodlewhohadrunafteracrowintheyard,andthecrowhadlookedroundathimandsaid:\"Oh,youscamp!\"
Thepoodle,notknowinghehadtodowithalearnedcrow,wasfearfullyconfusedandretreatedinperplexity,thenbeganbarking……
\"No,IhadbetterloveGruzdev,\"Nadyadecided,andshetoreupthelettertoGorny。
Shefelltothinkingofthestudent,ofhislove,ofherlove;
butthethoughtsinherheadinsistedonflowinginalldirections,andshethoughtabouteverything——abouthermother,aboutthestreet,aboutthepencil,aboutthepiano……Shethoughtofthemjoyfully,andfeltthateverythingwasgood,splendid,andherjoytoldherthatthiswasnotall,thatinalittlewhileitwouldbebetterstill。Soonitwouldbespring,summer,goingwithhermothertoGorbiki。Gornywouldcomeforhisfurlough,wouldwalkaboutthegardenwithherandmakelovetoher。Gruzdevwouldcometoo。Hewouldplaycroquetandskittleswithher,andwouldtellherwonderfulthings。Shehadapassionatelongingforthegarden,thedarkness,thepuresky,thestars。Againhershouldersshookwithlaughter,anditseemedtoherthattherewasascentofwormwoodintheroomandthatatwigwastappingatthewindow。
Shewenttoherbed,satdown,andnotknowingwhattodowiththeimmensejoywhichfilledherwithyearning,shelookedattheholyimagehangingatthebackofherbed,andsaid:
\"Oh,LordGod!Oh,LordGod!\"
ALADY’SSTORY
NINEyearsagoPyotrSergeyitch,thedeputyprosecutor,andI
wereridingtowardseveninginhay-makingtimetofetchthelettersfromthestation。
Theweatherwasmagnificent,butonourwaybackweheardapealofthunder,andsawanangryblackstorm-cloudwhichwascomingstraighttowardsus。Thestorm-cloudwasapproachingusandwewereapproachingit。
Againstthebackgroundofitourhouseandchurchlookedwhiteandthetallpoplarsshonelikesilver。Therewasascentofrainandmownhay。Mycompanionwasinhighspirits。Hekeptlaughingandtalkingallsortsofnonsense。Hesaiditwouldbeniceifwecouldsuddenlycomeuponamedievalcastlewithturretedtowers,withmossonitandowls,inwhichwecouldtakeshelterfromtherainandintheendbekilledbyathunderbolt……
Thenthefirstwaveracedthroughtheryeandafieldofoats,therewasagustofwind,andthedustflewroundandroundintheair。PyotrSergeyitchlaughedandspurredonhishorse。
\"It’sfine!\"hecried,\"it’ssplendid!\"
Infectedbyhisgaiety,ItoobeganlaughingatthethoughtthatinaminuteIshouldbedrenchedtotheskinandmightbestruckbylightning。
Ridingswiftlyinahurricanewhenoneisbreathlesswiththewind,andfeelslikeabird,thrillsoneandputsone’sheartinaflutter。Bythetimewerodeintoourcourtyardthewindhadgonedown,andbigdropsofrainwerepatteringonthegrassandontheroofs。Therewasnotasoulnearthestable。
PyotrSergeyitchhimselftookthebridlesoff,andledthehorsestotheirstalls。Istoodinthedoorwaywaitingforhimtofinish,andwatchingtheslantingstreaksofrain;thesweetish,excitingscentofhaywasevenstrongerherethaninthefields;
thestorm-cloudsandtherainmadeitalmosttwilight。
\"Whatacrash!\"saidPyotrSergeyitch,cominguptomeafteraveryloudrollingpealofthunderwhenitseemedasthoughtheskyweresplitintwo。\"Whatdoyousaytothat?\"
Hestoodbesidemeinthedoorwayand,stillbreathlessfromhisrapidride,lookedatme。Icouldseethathewasadmiringme。
\"NatalyaVladimirovna,\"hesaid,\"Iwouldgiveanythingonlytostayherealittlelongerandlookatyou。Youarelovelyto-day。\"
Hiseyeslookedatmewithdelightandsupplication,hisfacewaspale。Onhisbeardandmustachewereglitteringraindrops,andthey,too,seemedtobelookingatmewithlove。
\"Iloveyou,\"hesaid。\"Iloveyou,andIamhappyatseeingyou。
Iknowyoucannotbemywife,butIwantnothing,Iasknothing;
onlyknowthatIloveyou。Besilent,donotanswerme,takenonoticeofit,butonlyknowthatyouaredeartomeandletmelookatyou。\"
Hisraptureaffectedmetoo;Ilookedathisenthusiasticface,listenedtohisvoicewhichmingledwiththepatteroftherain,andstoodasthoughspellbound,unabletostir。
Ilongedtogoonendlesslylookingathisshiningeyesandlistening。
\"Yousaynothing,andthatissplendid,\"saidPyotrSergeyitch。
\"Goonbeingsilent。\"
Ifelthappy。Ilaughedwithdelightandranthroughthedrenchingraintothehouse;helaughedtoo,and,leapingashewent,ranafterme。
Bothdrenched,panting,noisilyclatteringupthestairslikechildren,wedashedintotheroom。Myfatherandbrother,whowerenotusedtoseeingmelaughingandlight-hearted,lookedatmeinsurpriseandbeganlaughingtoo。
Thestorm-cloudshadpassedoverandthethunderhadceased,buttheraindropsstillglitteredonPyotrSergeyitch’sbeard。Thewholeeveningtillsupper-timehewassinging,whistling,playingnoisilywiththedogandracingabouttheroomafterit,sothathenearlyupsettheservantwiththesamovar。Andatsupperheateagreatdeal,talkednonsense,andmaintainedthatwhenoneeatsfreshcucumbersinwinterthereisthefragranceofspringinone’smouth。
WhenIwenttobedIlightedacandleandthrewmywindowwideopen,andanundefinedfeelingtookpossessionofmysoul。I
rememberedthatIwasfreeandhealthy,thatIhadrankandwealth,thatIwasbeloved;aboveall,thatIhadrankandwealth,rankandwealth,myGod!hownicethatwas!……Then,huddlingupinbedatatouchofcoldwhichreachedmefromthegardenwiththedew,ItriedtodiscoverwhetherIlovedPyotrSergeyitchornot,……andfellasleepunabletoreachanyconclusion。
AndwheninthemorningIsawquiveringpatchesofsunlightandtheshadowsofthelimetreesonmybed,whathadhappenedyesterdayrosevividlyinmymemory。Lifeseemedtomerich,varied,fullofcharm。Humming,Idressedquicklyandwentoutintothegarden……
Andwhathappenedafterwards?Why——nothing。InthewinterwhenwelivedintownPyotrSergeyitchcametoseeusfromtimetotime。Countryacquaintancesarecharmingonlyinthecountryandinsummer;inthetownandinwintertheylosetheircharm。Whenyoupouroutteafortheminthetownitseemsasthoughtheyarewearingotherpeople’scoats,andasthoughtheystirredtheirteatoolong。Inthetown,too,PyotrSergeyitchspokesometimesoflove,buttheeffectwasnotatallthesameasinthecountry。Inthetownweweremorevividlyconsciousofthewallthatstoodbetweenus。Ihadrankandwealth,whilehewaspoor,andhewasnotevenanobleman,butonlythesonofadeaconandadeputypublicprosecutor;webothofus——Ithroughmyyouthandheforsomeunknownreason——thoughtofthatwallasveryhighandthick,andwhenhewaswithusinthetownhewouldcriticizearistocraticsocietywithaforcedsmile,andmaintainasullensilencewhentherewasanyoneelseinthedrawing-room。
Thereisnowallthatcannotbebrokenthrough,buttheheroesofthemodernromance,sofarasIknowthem,aretootimid,spiritless,lazy,andoversensitive,andaretooreadytoresignthemselvestothethoughtthattheyaredoomedtofailure,thatpersonallifehasdisappointedthem;insteadofstrugglingtheymerelycriticize,callingtheworldvulgarandforgettingthattheircriticismpasseslittlebylittleintovulgarity。
Iwasloved,happinesswasnotfaraway,andseemedtobealmosttouchingme;Iwentonlivingincarelesseasewithouttryingtounderstandmyself,notknowingwhatIexpectedorwhatIwantedfromlife,andtimewentonandon……Peoplepassedbymewiththeirlove,brightdaysandwarmnightsflashedby,thenightingalessang,thehaysmeltfragrant,andallthis,sweetandoverwhelminginremembrance,passedwithmeaswitheveryonerapidly,leavingnotrace,wasnotprized,andvanishedlikemist……Whereisitall?
Myfatherisdead,Ihavegrownolder;everythingthatdelightedme,caressedme,gavemehope——thepatteroftherain,therollingofthethunder,thoughtsofhappiness,talkoflove——
allthathasbecomenothingbutamemory,andIseebeforemeaflatdesertdistance;ontheplainnotonelivingsoul,andoutthereonthehorizonitisdarkandterrible……
Aringatthebell……ItisPyotrSergeyitch。WheninthewinterIseethetreesandrememberhowgreentheywereformeinthesummerIwhisper:
\"Oh,mydarlings!\"
AndwhenIseepeoplewithwhomIspentmyspring-time,Ifeelsorrowfulandwarmandwhisperthesamething。
Hehaslongagobymyfather’sgoodofficesbeentransferredtotown。Helooksalittleolder,alittlefallenaway。Hehaslonggivenupdeclaringhislove,hasleftofftalkingnonsense,dislikeshisofficialwork,isillinsomewayanddisillusioned;hehasgivenuptryingtogetanythingoutoflife,andtakesnointerestinliving。Nowhehassatdownbythehearthandlooksinsilenceatthefire……
NotknowingwhattosayIaskhim:
\"Well,whathaveyoutotellme?\"
\"Nothing,\"heanswers。
Andsilenceagain。Theredglowofthefireplaysabouthismelancholyface。
Ithoughtofthepast,andallatoncemyshouldersbeganquivering,myheaddropped,andIbeganweepingbitterly。Ifeltunbearablysorryformyselfandforthisman,andpassionatelylongedforwhathadpassedawayandwhatliferefusedusnow。AndnowIdidnotthinkaboutrankandwealth。
Ibrokeintoloudsobs,pressingmytemples,andmuttered:
\"MyGod!myGod!mylifeiswasted!\"
Andhesatandwassilent,anddidnotsaytome:\"Don’tweep。\"
HeunderstoodthatImustweep,andthatthetimeforthishadcome。
Isawfromhiseyesthathewassorryforme;andIwassorryforhim,too,andvexedwiththistimid,unsuccessfulmanwhocouldnotmakealifeforme,norforhimself。
WhenIsawhimtothedoor,hewas,Ifancied,purposelyalongwhileputtingonhiscoat。Twicehekissedmyhandwithoutaword,andlookedalongwhileintomytear-stainedface。I
believeatthatmomentherecalledthestorm,thestreaksofrain,ourlaughter,myfacethatday;helongedtosaysomethingtome,andhewouldhavebeengladtosayit;buthesaidnothing,hemerelyshookhisheadandpressedmyhand。Godhelphim!
Afterseeinghimout,Iwentbacktomystudyandagainsatonthecarpetbeforethefireplace;theredemberswerecoveredwithashandbegantogrowdim。Thefrosttappedstillmoreangrilyatthewindows,andthewinddronedinthechimney。
Themaidcameinand,thinkingIwasasleep,calledmyname。
INEXILE
OLDSEMYON,nicknamedCanny,andayoungTatar,whomnooneknewbyname,weresittingontheriver-bankbythecamp-fire;theotherthreeferrymenwereinthehut。Semyon,anoldmanofsixty,leanandtoothless,butbroadshoulderedandstillhealthy-looking,wasdrunk;hewouldhavegoneintosleeplongbefore,buthehadabottleinhispocketandhewasafraidthatthefellowsinthehutwouldaskhimforvodka。TheTatarwasillandweary,andwrappinghimselfupinhisragswasdescribinghowniceitwasintheSimbirskprovince,andwhatabeautifulandcleverwifehehadleftbehindathome。Hewasnotmorethantwentyfive,andnowbythelightofthecamp-fire,withhispaleandsick,mournfulface,helookedlikeaboy。
\"Tobesure,itisnotparadisehere,\"saidCanny。\"Youcanseeforyourself,thewater,thebarebanks,clay,andnothingelse……Easterhaslongpassedandyetthereisiceontheriver,andthismorningtherewassnow……\"
\"It’sbad!it’sbad!\"saidtheTatar,andlookedroundhiminterror。
Thedark,coldriverwasflowingtenpacesaway;itgrumbled,lappedagainstthehollowclaybanksandracedonswiftlytowardsthefar-awaysea。Closetothebanktherewasthedarkblurofabigbarge,whichtheferrymencalleda\"karbos。\"Farawayonthefurtherbank,lights,dyingdownandflickeringupagain,zigzaggedlikelittlesnakes;theywereburninglastyear’sgrass。Andbeyondthelittlesnakestherewasdarknessagain。
TherelittleiciclescouldbeheardknockingagainstthebargeItwasdampandcold……
TheTatarglancedatthesky。Therewereasmanystarsasathome,andthesameblacknessallround,butsomethingwaslacking。AthomeintheSimbirskprovincethestarswerequitedifferent,andsowasthesky。
\"It’sbad!it’sbad!\"herepeated。
\"Youwillgetusedtoit,\"saidSemyon,andhelaughed。\"Nowyouareyoungandfoolish,themilkishardlydryonyourlips,anditseemstoyouinyourfoolishnessthatyouaremorewretchedthananyone;butthetimewillcomewhenyouwillsaytoyourself:’Iwishnooneabetterlifethanmine。’Youlookatme。Withinaweekthefloodswillbeoverandweshallsetuptheferry;youwillallgowanderingoffaboutSiberiawhileIshallstayandshallbegingoingfrombanktobank。I’vebeengoinglikethatfortwenty-twoyears,dayandnight。ThepikeandthesalmonareunderthewaterwhileIamonthewater。AndthankGodforit,Iwantnothing;Godgiveeveryonesuchalife。\"
TheTatarthrewsomedrytwigsonthecamp-fire,laydownclosertotheblaze,andsaid:
\"Myfatherisasickman。Whenhediesmymotherandwifewillcomehere。Theyhavepromised。\"
\"Andwhatdoyouwantyourwifeandmotherfor?\"askedCanny。
\"That’smerefoolishness,mylad。It’sthedevilconfoundingyou,damnhissoul!Don’tyoulistentohim,thecursedone。Don’tlethimhavehisway。Heisatyouaboutthewomen,butyouspitehim;say,’Idon’twantthem!’Heisonatyouaboutfreedom,butyoustanduptohimandsay:’Idon’twantit!’Iwantnothing,neitherfathernormother,norwife,norfreedom,norpost,norpaddock;Iwantnothing,damntheirsouls!\"
Semyontookapullatthebottleandwenton:
\"Iamnotasimplepeasant,notoftheworkingclass,butthesonofadeacon,andwhenIwasfreeIlivedatKursk;Iusedtowearafrockcoat,andnowIhavebroughtmyselftosuchapassthatI
cansleepnakedonthegroundandeatgrass。AndIwishnooneabetterlife。IwantnothingandIamafraidofnobody,andthewayIlookatitisthatthereisnobodyricherandfreerthanI
am。WhentheysentmeherefromRussiafromthefirstdayIstuckitout;Iwantnothing!Thedevilwasatmeaboutmywifeandaboutmyhomeandaboutfreedom,butItoldhim:’Iwantnothing。’Istucktoit,andhereyouseeIlivewell,andI
don’tcomplain,andifanyonegiveswaytothedevilandlistenstohim,ifbutonce,heislost,thereisnosalvationforhim:
heissunkinthebogtothecrownofhisheadandwillnevergetout。
\"Itisnotonlyafoolishpeasantlikeyou,butevengentlemen,well-educatedpeople,arelost。FifteenyearsagotheysentagentlemanherefromRussia。Hehadn’tsharedsomethingwithhisbrothersandhadforgedsomethinginawill。Theydidsayhewasaprinceorabaron,butmaybehewassimplyanofficial——whoknows?Well,thegentlemanarrivedhere,andfirstthingheboughthimselfahouseandlandinMuhortinskoe。’Iwanttolivebymyownwork,’sayshe,’inthesweatofmybrow,forIamnotagentlemannow,’sayshe,’butasettler。’’Well,’saysI,’Godhelpyou,that’stherightthing。’Hewasayoungmanthen,busyandcareful;heusedtomowhimselfandcatchfishandridesixtymilesonhorseback。Onlythisiswhathappened:fromtheveryfirstyearhetooktoridingtoGyrinoforthepost;heusedtostandonmyferryandsigh:’Ech,Semyon,howlongitissincetheysentmeanymoneyfromhome!’’Youdon’twantmoney,VassilySergeyitch,’saysI。’Whatuseisittoyou?Youcastawaythepast,andforgetitasthoughithadneverbeenatall,asthoughithadbeenadream,andbegintoliveanew。Don’tlistentothedevil,’saysI;’hewillbringyoutonogood,he’lldrawyouintoasnare。Nowyouwantmoney,’saysI,’butinaverylittlewhileyou’llbewantingsomethingelse,andthenmoreandmore。Ifyouwanttobehappy,’saysI,thechiefthingisnottowantanything。Yes……If,’saysI,’ifFatehaswrongedyouandmecruellyit’snogoodaskingforherfavorandbowingdowntoher,butyoudespiseherandlaughather,orelseshewilllaughatyou。’That’swhatIsaidtohim……
\"TwoyearslaterIferriedhimacrosstothisside,andhewasrubbinghishandsandlaughing。’IamgoingtoGyrinotomeetmywife,’sayshe。’Shewassorryforme,’sayshe;’shehascome。
Sheisgoodandkind。’Andhewasbreathlesswithjoy。Soadaylaterhecamewithhiswife。Abeautifulyoungladyinahat;inherarmswasababygirl。Andlotsofluggageofallsorts。AndmyVassilySergeyitchwasfussingroundher;hecouldn’ttakehiseyesoffherandcouldn’tsayenoughinpraiseofher。’Yes,brotherSemyon,eveninSiberiapeoplecanlive!’’Oh,allright,’thinksI,’itwillbeadifferenttalepresently。’AndfromthattimeforwardhewentalmosteveryweektoinquirewhethermoneyhadnotcomefromRussia。Hewantedalotofmoney。’SheislosingheryouthandbeautyhereinSiberiaformysake,’sayshe,’andsharingmybitterlotwithme,andsoI
ought,’sayshe,’toprovideherwitheverycomfort……’
\"Tomakeitlivelierfortheladyhemadeacquaintancewiththeofficialsandallsortsofriff-raff。Andofcoursehehadtogivefoodanddrinktoallthatcrew,andtherehadtobeapianoandashaggylapdogonthesofa——plaguetakeit!……Luxury,infact,self-indulgence。Theladydidnotstaywithhimlong。
Howcouldshe?Theclay,thewater,thecold,novegetablesforyou,nofruit。Allaroundyouignorantanddrunkenpeopleandnosortofmanners,andshewasaspoiltladyfromPetersburgorMoscow……Tobesureshemoped。Besides,herhusband,saywhatyoulike,wasnotagentlemannow,butasettler——notthesamerank。
\"Threeyearslater,Iremember,ontheeveoftheAssumption,therewasshoutingfromthefurtherbank。Iwentoverwiththeferry,andwhatdoIseebutthelady,allwrappedup,andwithherayounggentleman,anofficial。Asledgewiththreehorses……Iferriedthemacrosshere,theygotinandawaylikethewind。Theyweresoonlosttosight。AndtowardsmorningVassilySergeyitchgallopeddowntotheferry。’Didn’tmywifecomethiswaywithagentlemaninspectacles,Semyon?’’Shedid,’saidI;
’youmaylookforthewindinthefields!’Hegallopedinpursuitofthem。Forfivedaysandnightshewasridingafterthem。WhenIferriedhimovertotheothersideafterwards,heflunghimselfontheferryandbeathisheadontheboardsoftheferryandhowled。’Sothat’showitis,’saysI。Ilaughed,andremindedhim’peoplecanliveeveninSiberia!’Andhebeathisheadharderthanever……
\"Thenhebeganlongingforfreedom。HiswifehadslippedofftoRussia,andofcoursehewasdrawntheretoseeherandtogetherawayfromherlover。Andhetook,mylad,togallopingalmosteveryday,eithertothepostorthetowntoseethecommandingofficer;hekeptsendinginpetitionsforthemtohavemercyonhimandlethimgobackhome;andheusedtosaythathehadspentsometwohundredroublesontelegramsalone。HesoldhislandandmortgagedhishousetotheJews。Hegrewgrayandbent,andyellowintheface,asthoughhewasinconsumption。Ifhetalkedtoyouhewouldgo,khee——khee——khee,……andthereweretearsinhiseyes。Hekeptrushingaboutlikethiswithpetitionsforeightyears,butnowhehasgrownbrighterandmorecheerfulagain:hehasfoundanotherwhimtogivewayto。
Yousee,hisdaughterhasgrownup。Helooksather,andsheistheappleofhiseye。Andtotellthetruthsheisallright,good-looking,withblackeyebrowsandalivelydisposition。
EverySundayheusedtoridewithhertochurchinGyrino。Theyusedtostandontheferry,sidebyside,shewouldlaughandhecouldnottakehiseyesoffher。’Yes,Semyon,’sayshe,’peoplecanliveeveninSiberia。EveninSiberiathereishappiness。
Look,’sayshe,’whatadaughterIhavegot!Iwarrantyouwouldn’tfindanotherlikeherforathousandverstsround。’
’Yourdaughterisallright,’saysI,’that’strue,certainly。’
ButtomyselfIthought:’Waitabit,thewenchisyoung,herbloodisdancing,shewantstolive,andthereisnolifehere。’Andshedidbegintopine,mylad……
Shefadedandfaded,andnowshecanhardlycrawlabout。
Consumption。
\"SoyouseewhatSiberianhappinessis,damnitssoul!YouseehowpeoplecanliveinSiberia……Hehastakentogoingfromonedoctortoanotherandtakingthemhomewithhim。Assoonashehearsthattwoorthreehundredmilesawaythereisadoctororasorcerer,hewilldrivetofetchhim。Aterriblelotofmoneyhespentondoctors,andtomythinkinghehadbetterhavespentthemoneyondrink……She’lldiejustthesame。
Sheiscertaintodie,andthenitwillbealloverwithhim。
He’llhanghimselffromgrieforrunawaytoRussia——that’sasurething。He’llrunawayandthey’llcatchhim,thenhewillbetried,senttoprison,hewillhaveatasteofthelash……\"
\"Good!good!\"saidtheTatar,shiveringwithcold。
\"Whatisgood?\"askedCanny。
\"Hiswife,hisdaughter……Whatofprisonandwhatofsorrow!
——anyway,hedidseehiswifeandhisdaughter……Yousay,wantnothing。But’nothing’isbad!Hiswifelivedwithhimthreeyears——thatwasagiftfromGod。’Nothing’isbad,butthreeyearsisgood。Hownotunderstand?\"
Shiveringandhesitating,witheffortpickingouttheRussianwordsofwhichheknewbutfew,theTatarsaidthatGodforbidoneshouldfallsickanddieinastrangeland,andbeburiedinthecoldanddarkearth;thatifhiswifecametohimforoneday,evenforonehour,thatforsuchhappinesshewouldbereadytobearanysufferingandtothankGod。Betteronedayofhappinessthannothing。
Thenhedescribedagainwhatabeautifulandcleverwifehehadleftathome。Then,clutchinghisheadinbothhands,hebegancryingandassuringSemyonthathewasnotguilty,andwassufferingfornothing。Histwobrothersandanunclehadcarriedoffapeasant’shorses,andhadbeatentheoldmantillhewashalfdead,andthecommunehadnotjudgedfairly,buthadcontrivedasentencebywhichallthethreebrothersweresenttoSiberia,whiletheuncle,arichman,wasleftathome。
\"Youwillgetusedtoit!\"saidSemyon。
TheTatarwassilent,andstaredwithtear-stainedeyesatthefire;hisfaceexpressedbewildermentandfear,asthoughhestilldidnotunderstandwhyhewashereinthedarknessandthewet,besidestrangers,andnotintheSimbirskprovince。
Cannylaynearthefire,chuckledatsomething,andbeganhummingasonginanundertone。
\"Whatjoyhasshewithherfather?\"hesaidalittlelater。\"Helovesherandherejoicesinher,that’strue;but,mate,youmustmindyourpsandqswithhim,heisastrictoldman,aharsholdman。Andyoungwenchesdon’twantstrictness。Theywantpettingandha-ha-ha!andho-ho-ho!andscentandpomade。
Yes……Ech!life,life,\"sighedSemyon,andhegotupheavily。\"Thevodkaisallgone,soitistimetosleep。Eh?Iamgoing,mylad……\"
Leftalone,theTatarputonmoretwigs,laydownandstaredatthefire;hebeganthinkingofhisownvillageandofhiswife。
Ifhiswifecouldonlycomeforamonth,foraday;andthenifshelikedshemightgobackagain。Betteramonthorevenadaythannothing。Butifhiswifekeptherpromiseandcame,whatwouldhehavetofeedheron?Wherecouldshelivehere?
\"Iftherewerenotsomethingtoeat,howcouldshelive?\"theTataraskedaloud。
Hewaspaidonlytenkopecksforworkingalldayandallnightattheoar;itistruethattravelersgavehimtipsforteaandforvodkasbutthemensharedalltheyreceivedamongthemselves,andgavenothingtotheTatar,butonlylaughedathim。
Andfrompovertyhewashungry,cold,andfrightened……Now,whenhiswholebodywasachingandshivering,heoughttogointothehutandliedowntosleep;buthehadnothingtocoverhimthere,anditwascolderthanontheriver-bank;herehehadnothingtocoverhimeither,butatleasthecouldmakeupthefire……
Inanotherweek,whenthefloodswerequiteoverandtheysettheferrygoing,noneoftheferrymenbutSemyonwouldbewanted,andtheTatarwouldbegingoingfromvillagetovillagebeggingforalmsandforwork。Hiswifewasonlyseventeen;shewasbeautiful,spoilt,andshy;couldshepossiblygofromvillagetovillagebeggingalmswithherfaceunveiled?No,itwasterribleeventothinkofthat……
Itwasalreadygettinglight;thebarge,thebushesofwillowonthewater,andthewavescouldbeclearlydiscerned,andifonelookedroundtherewasthesteepclayslope;atthebottomofitthehutthatchedwithdingybrownstraw,andthehutsofthevillagelayclusteredhigherup。Thecockswerealreadycrowinginthevillage。
Therustyredclayslope,thebarge,theriver,thestrange,unkindpeople,hunger,cold,illness,perhapsallthatwasnotreal。Mostlikelyitwasalladream,thoughttheTatar。Hefeltthathewasasleepandheardhisownsnoring……OfcoursehewasathomeintheSimbirskprovince,andhehadonlytocallhiswifebynameforhertoanswer;andinthenextroomwashismother……Whatterribledreamsthereare,though!Whataretheyfor?TheTatarsmiledandopenedhiseyes。Whatriverwasthis,theVolga?
Snowwasfalling。
\"Boat!\"wasshoutedonthefurtherside。\"Boat!\"
TheTatarwokeup,andwenttowakehismatesandrowovertotheotherside。Theferrymencameontotheriver-bank,puttingontheirtornsheepskinsastheywalked,swearingwithvoiceshuskyfromsleepinessandshiveringfromthecold。Onwakingfromtheirsleep,theriver,fromwhichcameabreathofpiercingcold,seemedtostrikethemasrevoltingandhorrible。
Theyjumpedintothebargewithouthurryingthemselves……TheTatarandthethreeferrymentookthelong,broad-bladedoars,whichinthedarknesslookedliketheclawsofcrabs;Semyonleanedhisstomachagainstthetiller。Theshoutontheothersidestillcontinued,andtwoshotswerefiredfromarevolver,probablywiththeideathattheferrymenwereasleeporhadgonetothepot-houseinthevillage。
\"Allright,youhaveplentyoftime,\"saidSemyoninthetoneofamanconvincedthattherewasnonecessityinthisworldtohurry——thatitwouldleadtonothing,anyway。
Theheavy,clumsybargemovedawayfromthebankandfloatedbetweenthewillow-bushes,andonlythewillowsslowlymovingbackshowedthatthebargewasnotstandingstillbutmoving。Theferrymenswungtheoarsevenlyintime;Semyonlaywithhisstomachonthetillerand,describingasemicircleintheair,flewfromonesidetotheother。Inthedarknessitlookedasthoughthemenweresittingonsomeantediluviananimalwithlongpaws,andweremovingonitthroughacold,desolateland,thelandofwhichonesometimesdreamsinnightmares。
Theypassedbeyondthewillowsandfloatedoutintotheopen。Thecreakandregularsplashoftheoarswasheardonthefurthershore,andashoutcame:\"Makehaste!makehaste!\"
Anothertenminutespassed,andthebargebangedheavilyagainstthelanding-stage。
\"Anditkeepssprinklingandsprinkling,\"mutteredSemyon,wipingthesnowfromhisface;\"andwhereitallcomesfromGodonlyknows。\"
Onthebankstoodathinmanofmediumheightinajacketlinedwithfoxfurandinawhitelambskincap。Hewasstandingatalittledistancefromhishorsesandnotmoving;hehadagloomy,concentratedexpression,asthoughheweretryingtoremembersomethingandangrywithhisuntrustworthymemory。WhenSemyonwentuptohimandtookoffhiscap,smiling,hesaid:
\"IamhasteningtoAnastasyevka。Mydaughter’sworseagain,andtheysaythatthereisanewdoctoratAnastasyevka。\"
Theydraggedthecarriageontothebargeandfloatedback。ThemanwhomSemyonaddressedasVassilySergeyitchstoodallthetimemotionless,tightlycompressinghisthicklipsandstaringoffintospace;whenhiscoachmanaskedpermissiontosmokeinhispresencehemadenoanswer,asthoughhehadnotheard。
Semyon,lyingwithhisstomachonthetiller,lookedmockinglyathimandsaid:
\"EveninSiberiapeoplecanlive——canli-ive!\"
TherewasatriumphantexpressiononCanny’sface,asthoughhehadprovedsomethingandwasdelightedthatthingshadhappenedashehadforetold。Theunhappyhelplessnessofthemaninthefoxskincoatevidentlyaffordedhimgreatpleasure。
\"It’smuddydrivingnow,VassilySergeyitch,\"hesaidwhenthehorseswereharnessedagainonthebank。\"Youshouldhaveputoffgoingforanotherfortnight,whenitwillbedrier。Orelsenothavegoneatall……Ifanygoodwouldcomeofyourgoing——
butasyouknowyourself,peoplehavebeendrivingaboutforyearsandyears,dayandnight,andit’salway’sbeennouse。
That’sthetruth。\"
VassilySergeyitchtippedhimwithoutaword,gotintohiscarriageanddroveoff。