\"Ivillnotgo，\"hesaidangrily，\"elseIshalltoldher。\"
HemadeabassdrumofMissMartha’scounter。
\"Youhafshpoiltme，\"hecried，hisblueeyesblazingbehindhisspectacles。\"Ivilltellyou。Youvasvon_meddingsomeoldcat_！\"
MissMarthaleanedweaklyagainsttheshelvesandlaidonehandonherblue-dottedsilkwaist。Theyoungmantooktheotherbythecollar。
\"Comeon，\"hesaid，\"you’vesaidenough。\"Hedraggedtheangryoneoutatthedoortothesidewalk，andthencameback。
\"Guessyououghttobetold，ma’am，\"hesaid，\"whattherowisabout。
That’sBlumberger。He’sanarchitecturaldraftsman。Iworkinthesameofficewithhim。
\"He’sbeenworkinghardforthreemonthsdrawingaplanforanewcityhall。Itwasaprizecompetition。Hefinishedinkingthelinesyesterday。Youknow，adraftsmanalwaysmakeshisdrawinginpencilfirst。Whenit’sdoneherubsoutthepencillineswithhandfulsofstalebreadcrumbs。That’sbetterthanIndiarubber。
\"Blumberger’sbeenbuyingthebreadhere。Well，to-day——well，youknow，ma’am，thatbutterisn’t——well，Blumberger’splanisn’tgoodforanythingnowexcepttocutupintorailroadsandwiches。\"
MissMarthawentintothebackroom。Shetookofftheblue-dottedsilkwaistandputontheoldbrownsergesheusedtowear。Thenshepouredthequinceseedandboraxmixtureoutofthewindowintotheashcan。
IVTHEPRIDEOFTHECITIES
SaidMr。Kipling，\"Thecitiesarefullofpride，challengingeachtoeach。\"Evenso。
NewYorkwasempty。Twohundredthousandofitspeoplewereawayforthesummer。Threemillioneighthundredthousandremainedascaretakersandtopaythebillsoftheabsentees。Butthetwohundredthousandareanexpensivelot。
TheNewYorkersatataroof-gardentable，ingestingsolacethroughastraw。Hispanamalayuponachair。TheJulyaudiencewasscatteredamongvacantseatsaswidelyasoutfielderswhenthechampionbatterstepstotheplate。Vaudevillehappenedatintervals。Thebreezewascoolfromthebay；aroundandabove——everywhereexceptonthestage——werestars。Glimpsesweretobehadofwaiters，alwaysdisappearing，likestartledchamois。Prudentvisitorswhohadorderedrefreshmentsby’phoneinthemorningwerenowbeingserved。TheNewYorkerwasawareofcertaindrawbackstohiscomfort，butcontentbeamedsoftlyfromhisrimlesseyeglasses。Hisfamilywasoutoftown。Thedrinkswerewarm；theballetwassufferingfromlackofbothtuneandtalcum——buthisfamilywouldnotreturnuntilSeptember。
ThenupintothegardenstumbledthemanfromTopazCity，Nevada。Thegloomofthesolitarysightseerenwrappedhim。Bereftofjoythroughloneliness，hestalkedwithawidower’sfacethroughthehallsofpleasure。Thirstforhumancompanionshippossessedhimashepantedinthemetropolitandraught。StraighttotheNewYorker’stablehesteered。
TheNewYorker，disarmedandmaderecklessbythelawlessatmosphereofaroofgarden，decideduponutterabandonmentofhislife’straditions。Heresolvedtoshatterwithonerash，dare-devil，impulsive，hair-brainedacttheconventionsthathadhithertobeenwovenintohisexistence。Carryingoutthisradicalandprecipitousinspirationhenoddedslightlytothestrangerashedrewnearerthetable。
ThenextmomentfoundthemanfromTopazCityinthelistoftheNewYorker’sclosestfriends。Hetookachairatthetable，hegatheredtwoothersforhisfeet，hetossedhisbroad-brimmedhatuponafourth，andtoldhislife’shistorytohisnew-foundpard。
TheNewYorkerwarmedalittle，asanapartment-housefurnacewarmswhenthestrawberryseasonbegins。AwaiterwhocamewithinhailinanunguardedmomentwascapturedandparoledonanerrandtotheDoctorWileyexperimentalstation。Theballetwasnowinthemidstofamusicalvagary，anddanceduponthestageprogrammedasBolivianpeasants，clothedinsomeportionsofitsanatomyasNorwegianfishermaidens，inothersasladies-in-waitingofMarieAntoinette，historicallydenudedinotherportionssoastorepresentseanymphs，andpresentingthetoutensembleofasocialclubofCentralParkWesthousemaidsatafishfry。
\"Beeninthecitylong？\"inquiredtheNewYorker，gettingreadytheexacttipagainstthewaiter’scomingwithlargechangefromthebill。
\"Me？\"saidthemanfromTopazCity。\"Fourdays。NeverinTopazCity，wasyou？\"
\"I！\"saidtheNewYorker。\"IwasneverfartherwestthanEighthAvenue。
IhadabrotherwhodiedonNinth，butImetthecortegeatEighth。Therewasabunchofvioletsonthehearse，andtheundertakermentionedtheincidenttoavoidmistake。IcannotsaythatIamfamiliarwiththeWest。\"
\"TopazCity，\"saidthemanwhooccupiedfourchairs，\"isoneofthefinesttownsintheworld。\"
\"Ipresumethatyouhaveseenthesightsofthemetropolis，\"saidtheNewYorker，\"Fourdaysisnotasufficientlengthoftimeinwhichtoviewevenourmostsalientpointsofinterest，butonecanpossiblyformageneralimpression。Ourarchitecturalsupremacyiswhatgenerallystrikesvisitorstoourcitymostforcibly。OfcourseyouhaveseenourFlatironBuilding。Itisconsidered——\"
\"Sawit，\"saidthemanfromTopazCity。\"Butyououghttocomeoutourway。It’smountainous，youknow，andtheladiesallwearshortskirtsforclimbingand——\"
\"Excuseme，\"saidtheNewYorker，\"butthatisn’texactlythepoint。NewYorkmustbeawonderfulrevelationtoavisitorfromtheWest。Now，astoourhotels——\"
\"Say，\"saidthemanfromTopazCity，\"thatremindsme——thereweresixteenstagerobbersshotlastyearwithintwentymilesof——\"
\"Iwasspeakingofhotels，\"saidtheNewYorker。\"WeleadEuropeinthatrespect。Andasfarasourleisureclassisconcernedwearefar——\"
\"Oh，Idon’tknow，\"interruptedthemanfromTopazCity。\"ThereweretwelvetrampsinourjailwhenIlefthome。IguessNewYorkisn’tso——\"
\"Begpardon，youseemtomisapprehendtheidea。Ofcourse，youvisitedtheStockExchangeandWallStreet，wherethe——\"
\"Oh，yes，\"saidthemanfromTopazCity，ashelightedaPennsylvaniastogie，\"andIwanttotellyouchatwe’vegotthefinesttownmarshalwestoftheRockies。BillRainerhetookinfivepickpocketsoutofthecrowdwhenRedNoseThompsonlaidthecornerstoneofhisnewsaloon。
TopazCitydon’tallow——\"
\"HaveanotherRhinewineandseltzer，\"suggestedtheNewYorker。\"I’veneverbeenWest，asIsaid；buttherecan’tbeanyplaceouttheretocomparewithNewYork。AstotheclaimsofChicagoI——\"
\"Oneman，\"saidtheTopazite——\"onemanonlyhasbeenmurderedandrobbedinTopazCityinthelastthree——\"
\"Oh，IknowwhatChicagois，\"interposedtheNewYorker。\"HaveyoubeenupFifthAvenuetoseethemagnificentresidencesofourmil——\"
\"Seen’emall。YououghttoknowReubStegall，theassessorofTopaz。
WhenoldmanTilbury，thatownstheonlytwo-storyhouseintown，triedtoswearhistaxesfrom$6，000downto$450。75，Reubbuckledonhisforty-fiveandwentdowntosee——\"
\"Yes，yes，butspeakingofourgreatcity——oneofitsgreatestfeaturesisoursuperbpolicedepartment。Thereisnobodyofmenintheworldthatcanequalitfor——\"
\"ThatwaitergetsaroundlikeaLangleyflyingmachine，\"remarkedthemanfromTopazCity，thirstily。\"We’vegotmeninourtown，too，worth$400，000。There’soldBillWithersandColonelMetcalfand——\"
\"HaveyouseenBroadwayatnight？\"askedtheNewYorker，courteously。
\"Therearefewstreetsintheworldthatcancomparewithit。Whentheelectricsareshiningandthepavementsarealivewithtwohurryingstreamsofelegantlyclothedmenandbeautifulwomenattiredinthecostliestcostumesthatwindinandoutinaclosemazeofexpensively——\"
\"NeverknewbutonecaseinTopazCity，\"saidthemanfromtheWest。\"JimBailey，ourmayor，hadhiswatchandchainand$235incashtakenfromhispocketwhile——\"
\"That’sanothermatter，\"saidtheNewYorker。\"Whileyouareinourcityyoushouldavailyourselfofeveryopportunitytoseeitswonders。Ourrapidtransitsystem——\"
\"IfyouwasoutinTopaz，\"brokeinthemanfromthere，\"Icouldshowyouawholecemeteryfullofpeoplethatgotkilledaccidentally。Talkingaboutmanglingfolksup！why，whenBerryRogersturnedloosethatolddouble-barrelledshot-gunofhisloaded’withslugsatanybody——\"
\"Here，waiter！\"calledtheNewYorker。\"Twomoreofthesame。Itisacknowledgedbyeveryonethatourcityisthecentreofart，andliterature，andlearning。Take，forinstance，ourafter-dinnerspeakers。
WhereelseinthecountrywouldyoufindsuchwitandeloquenceasemanatefromDepewandFord，and——\"
\"Ifyoutakethepapers，\"interruptedtheWesterner，\"youmusthavereadofPeteWebster’sdaughter。TheWebsterslivetwoblocksnorthofthecourt-houseinTopazCity。MissTillieWebster，shesleptfortydaysandnightswithoutwakingup。Thedoctorssaidthat——\"
\"Passthematches，please，\"saidtheNewYorker。\"HaveyouobservedtheexpeditionwithwhichnewbuildingsarebeingrunupinNewYork？
Improvedinventionsinsteelframeworkand——\"
\"Inoticed，\"saidtheNevadian，\"thatthestatisticsofTopazCityshowedonlyonecarpentercrushedbyfallingtimberslastyearandhewascaughtinacyclone。\"
\"Theyabuseourskyline，\"continuedtheNewYorker，\"anditislikelythatwearenotyetartisticintheconstructionofourbuildings。ButI
cansafelyassertthatweleadinpictorialanddecorativeart。Insomeofourhousescanbefoundmasterpiecesinthewayofpaintingsandsculpture。Onewhohastheentreetoourbestgallerieswillfind——\"
\"Backup，\"exclaimedthemanfromTopazCity。\"Therewasagamelastmonthinourtowninwhich$90，000changedhandsonapairof——\"
\"Ta-romt-tara！\"wenttheorchestra。Thestagecurtain，blushingpinkatthename\"Asbestos\"inscribeduponit，camedownwithaslowmidsummermovement。Theaudiencetrickledleisurelydowntheelevatorandstairs。
Onthesidewalkbelow，theNewYorkerandthemanfromTopazCityshookhandswithalcoholicgravity。Theelevatedcrashedraucously，surfacecarshummedandclanged，cabmenswore，newsboysshrieked，wheelsclatteredear-piercingly。TheNewYorkerconceivedahappythought，withwhichheaspiredtoclinchthepre-eminenceofhiscity。
\"Youmustadmit，\"saidhe，\"thatinthewayofnoiseNewYorkisfaraheadofanyother——\"
\"Backtotheeverglades！\"saidthemanfromTopazCity。\"In1900，whenSousa’sbandandtherepeatingcandidatewereinourtownyoucouldn’t——\"
Therattleofanexpresswagondrownedtherestofthewords。
VHOLDINGUPATRAIN
[Note。ThemanwhotoldmethesethingswasforseveralyearsanoutlawintheSouthwestandafollowerofthepursuithesofranklydescribes。
Hisdescriptionofthe_modus__operandi_shouldproveinteresting，hiscounselofvaluetothepotentialpassengerinsomefuture\"hold-up，\"
whilehisestimateofthepleasuresoftrainrobbingwillhardlyinduceanyonetoadoptitasaprofession。Igivethestoryinalmostexactlyhisownwords。O。H。]
Mostpeoplewouldsay，iftheiropinionwasaskedfor，thatholdingupatrainwouldbeahardjob。Well，itisn’t；it’seasy。Ihavecontributedsometotheuneasinessofrailroadsandtheinsomniaofexpresscompanies，andthemosttroubleIeverhadaboutahold-upwasinbeingswindledbyunscrupulouspeoplewhilespendingthemoneyIgot。Thedangerwasn’tanythingtospeakof，andwedidn’tmindthetrouble。
Onemanhascomeprettynearrobbingatrainbyhimself；twohavesucceededafewtimes；threecandoitiftheyarehustlers，butfiveisabouttherightnumber。Thetimetodoitandtheplacedependuponseveralthings。
Thefirst\"stick-up\"Iwaseverinhappenedin1890。MaybethewayIgotintoitwillexplainhowmosttrainrobbersstartinthebusiness。FiveoutofsixWesternoutlawsarejustcowboysoutofajobandgonewrong。
ThesixthisatoughfromtheEastwhodressesuplikeabadmanandplayssomelow-downtrickthatgivestheboysabadname。Wirefencesand\"nesters\"madefiveofthem；abadheartmadethesixth。JimS——andI
wereworkingonthe101RanchinColorado。Thenestershadthecowmanonthego。Theyhadtakenupthelandandelectedofficerswhowerehardtogetalongwith。JimandIrodeintoLaJuntaoneday，goingsouthfromaround-up。Wewerehavingalittlefunwithoutmalicetowardany-bodywhenafarmeradministrationcutinandtriedtoharvestus。Jimshotadeputymarshal，andIkindofcorroboratedhissideoftheargument。Weskirmishedupanddownthemainstreet，theboomershavingbadluckallthetime。AfterawhileweleanedforwardandshovedfortheranchdownontheCeriso。Wewereridingacoupleofhorsesthatcouldn’tfly，buttheycouldcatchbirds。
Afewdaysafterthat，agangoftheLaJuntaboomerscametotheranchandwantedustogobackwiththem。Naturally，wedeclined。Wehadthehouseonthem，andbeforeweweredonerefusing，thatold’dobewasplumbfulloflead。Whendarkcamewefagged’emabatchofbulletsandshovedoutthebackdoorfortherocks。Theysuresmokedusaswewent。Wehadtodrift，whichwedid，androundedupdowninOklahoma。
Well，therewasn’tanythingwecouldgetthere，and，beingmightyhardup，wedecidedtotransactalittlebusinesswiththerailroads。JimandI
joinedforceswithTomandIkeMoore——twobrotherswhohadplentyofsandtheywerewillingtoconvertintodust。Icancalltheirnames，forbothofthemaredead。TomwasshotwhilerobbingabankinArkansas；IkewaskilledduringthemoredangerouspastimeofattendingadanceintheCreekNation。
WeselectedaplaceontheSantaFewheretherewasabridgeacrossadeepcreeksurroundedbyheavytimber。Allpassengertrainstookwateratthetankclosetooneendofthebridge。Itwasaquietplace，thenearesthousebeingfivemilesaway。Thedaybeforeithappened，werestedourhorsesand\"mademedicine\"astohowweshouldgetaboutit。Ourplanswerenotatallelaborate，asnoneofushadeverengagedinahold-upbefore。
TheSantaFeflyerwasdueatthetankat11。15P。M。Ateleven，TomandIlaydownononesideofthetrack，andJimandIketooktheother。Asthetrainrolledup，theheadlightflashingfardownthetrackandthesteamhissingfromtheengine，Iturnedweakallover，Iwouldhaveworkedawholeyearontheranchfornothingtohavebeenoutofthataffairrightthen。Someofthenerviestmeninthebusinesshavetoldmethattheyfeltthesamewaythefirsttime。
TheenginehadhardlystoppedwhenIjumpedontherunning-boardononeside，whileJimmountedtheother。Assoonastheengineerandfiremansawourgunstheythrewuptheirhandswithoutbeingtold，andbeggedusnottoshoot，sayingtheywoulddoanythingwewantedthemto。
\"Hittheground，\"Iordered，andtheybothjumpedoff。Wedrovethembeforeusdownthesideofthetrain。Whilethiswashappening，TomandIkehadbeenblazingaway，oneoneachsideofthetrain，yellinglikeApaches，soastokeepthepassengersherdedinthecars。Somefellowstuckalittletwenty-twocalibreoutoneofthecoachwindowsandfireditstraightupintheair。Iletdriveandsmashedtheglassjustoverhishead。Thatsettledeverythinglikeresistancefromthatdirection。
Bythistimeallmynervousnesswasgone。IfeltakindofpleasantexcitementasifIwereatadanceorafrolicofsomesort。Thelightswerealloutinthecoaches，and，asTomandIkegraduallyquitfiringandyelling，itgottobealmostasstillasagraveyard。Irememberhearingalittlebirdchirpinginabushatthesideofthetrack，asifitwerecomplainingatbeingwakedup。
Imadethefiremangetalantern，andthenIwenttotheexpresscarandyelledtothemessengertoopenuporgetperforated。Heslidthedoorbackandstoodinitwithhishandsup。\"Jumpoverboard，son，\"Isaid，andhehitthedirtlikealumpoflead。Thereweretwosafesinthecar——abigoneandalittleone。Bytheway，Ifirstlocatedthemessenger’sarsenal——adouble-barrelledshot-gunwithbuckshotcartridgesandathirty-eightinadrawer。Idrewthecartridgesfromtheshot-gun，pocketedthepistol，andcalledthemessengerinside。Ishovedmygunagainsthisnoseandputhimtowork。Hecouldn’topenthebigsafe，buthedidthelittleone。Therewasonlyninehundreddollarsinit。Thatwasmightysmallwinningsforourtrouble，sowedecidedtogothroughthepassengers。Wetookourprisonerstothesmoking-car，andfromtheresenttheengineerthroughthetraintolightupthecoaches。
Beginningwiththefirstone，weplacedamanateachdoorandorderedthepassengerstostandbetweentheseatswiththeirhandsup。
Ifyouwanttofindoutwhatcowardsthemajorityofmenare，allyouhavetodoisrobapassengertrain。Idon’tmeanbecausetheydon’tresist——
I’lltellyoulateronwhytheycan’tdothat——butitmakesamanfeelsorryforthemthewaytheylosetheirheads。Big，burlydrummersandfarmersandex-soldiersandhigh-collareddudesandsportsthat，afewmomentsbefore，werefillingthecarwithnoiseandbragging，getsoscaredthattheirearsflop。
Therewereveryfewpeopleinthedaycoachesatthattimeofnight，sowemadeaslimhauluntilwegottothesleeper。ThePullmanconductormetmeatonedoorwhileJimwasgoingroundtotheotherone。HeverypolitelyinformedmethatIcouldnotgointothatcar，asitdidnotbelongtotherailroadcompany，and，besides，thepassengershadalreadybeengreatlydisturbedbytheshoutingandfiring。NeverinallmylifehaveImetwithafinerinstanceofofficialdignityandrelianceuponthepowerofMr。Pull-man’sgreatname。Ijabbedmysix-shootersohardagainstMr。Conductor’sfrontthatIafterwardfoundoneofhisvestbuttonssofirmlywedgedintheendofthebarrelthatIhadtoshootitout。Hejustshutuplikeaweak-springedknifeandrolleddownthecarsteps。
Iopenedthedoorofthesleeperandsteppedinside。Abig，fatoldmancamewabblinguptome，puffingandblowing。Hehadonecoat-sleeveonandwastryingtoputhisvestonoverthat。Idon’tknowwhohethoughtIwas。
\"Youngman，youngman，\"sayshe，\"youmustkeepcoolandnotgetexcited。
Aboveeverything，keepcool。\"
\"Ican’t，\"saysI。\"Excitement’sjusteatingmeup。\"AndthenIletoutayellandturnedloosemyforty-fivethroughtheskylight。
Thatoldmantriedtodiveintooneofthelowerberths，butascreechcameoutofitandabarefootthattookhiminthebread-basketandlandedhimonthefloor。IsawJimcomingintheotherdoor，andI
holleredforeverybodytoclimboutandlineup。
Theycommencedtoscrambledown，andforawhilewehadathree-ringedcircus。Themenlookedasfrightenedandtameasalotofrabbitsinadeepsnow。Theyhadon，onanaverage，aboutaquarterofasuitofclothesandoneshoeapiece。Onechapwassittingontheflooroftheaisle，lookingasifhewereworkingahardsuminarithmetic。Hewastrying，verysolemn，topullalady’snumbertwoshoeonhisnumberninefoot。
Theladiesdidn’tstoptodress。Theyweresocurioustoseeareal，livetrainrobber，bless’em，thattheyjustwrappedblanketsandsheetsaroundthemselvesandcameout，squeakyandfidgetylooking。Theyalwaysshowmorecuriosityandsandthanthemendo。
Wegotthemalllinedupandprettyquiet，andIwentthroughthebunch。
Ifoundverylittleonthem——Imeaninthewayofvaluables。Onemaninthelinewasasight。Hewasoneofthosebig，overgrown，solemnsnoozersthatsitontheplatformatlecturesandlookwise。Beforecrawlingouthehadmanagedtoputonhislong，frock-tailedcoatandhishighsilkhat。Therestofhimwasnothingbutpajamasandbunions。WhenIdugintothatPrinceAlbert，IexpectedtodragoutatleastablockofgoldminestockoranarmfulofGovernmentbonds，butallIfoundwasalittleboy’sFrenchharpaboutfourincheslong。Whatitwastherefor，Idon’tknow。Ifeltalittlemadbecausehehadfooledmeso。Istucktheharpupagainsthismouth。
\"Ifyoucan’tpay——play，\"Isays。
\"Ican’tplay，\"sayshe。
\"Thenlearnrightoffquick，\"saysI，lettinghimsmelltheendofmygun-barrel。
Hecaughtholdoftheharp，turnedredasabeet，andcommencedtoblow。
HeblewadinkylittletuneIrememberedhearingwhenIwasakid：
Prettiestlittlegalinthecountry——oh！
MammyandDaddytoldmeso。
Imadehimkeeponplayingitallthetimewewereinthecar。Nowandthenhe’dgetweakandoffthekey，andI’dturnmygunonhimandaskwhatwasthematterwiththatlittlegal，andwhetherhehadanyintentionofgoingbackonher，whichwouldmakehimstartupagainlikesixty。I
thinkthatoldboystandingthereinhissilkhatandbarefeet，playinghislittleFrenchharp，wasthefunniestsightIeversaw。Onelittlered-headedwomaninthelinebrokeoutlaughingathim。Youcouldhaveheardherinthenextcar。
ThenJimheldthemsteadywhileIsearchedtheberths。Igrappledaroundinthosebedsandfilledapillow-casewiththestrangestassortmentofstuffyoueversaw。NowandthenI’dcomeacrossalittlepop-gunpistol，justaboutrightforpluggingteethwith，whichI’dthrowoutthewindow。
WhenIfinishedwiththecollection，Idumpedthepillow-caseloadinthemiddleoftheaisle。Therewereagoodmanywatches，bracelets，rings，andpocket-books，withasprinklingoffalseteeth，whiskeyflasks，face-powderboxes，chocolatecaramels，andheadsofhairofvariouscoloursandlengths。Therewerealsoaboutadozenladies’stockingsintowhichjewellery，watches，androllsofbillshadbeenstuffedandthenwaddeduptightandstuckunderthemattresses。IofferedtoreturnwhatIcalledthe\"scalps，\"sayingthatwewerenotIndiansonthewar-path，butnoneoftheladiesseemedtoknowtowhomthehairbelonged。
Oneofthewomen——andagood-lookershewas——wrappedinastripedblanket，sawmepickuponeofthestockingsthatwasprettychunkyandheavyaboutthetoe，andshesnappedout：
\"That’smine，sir。You’renotinthebusinessofrobbingwomen，areyou？\"
Now，asthiswasourfirsthold-up，wehadn’tagreeduponanycodeofethics，soIhardlyknewwhattoanswer。But，anyway，Ireplied：\"Well，notasaspecialty。Ifthiscontainsyourpersonalpropertyyoucanhaveitback。\"
\"Itjustdoes，\"shedeclaredeagerly，andreachedoutherhandforit。
\"You’llexcusemytakingalookatthecontents，\"Isaid，holdingthestockingupbythetoe。Outdumpedabiggent’sgoldwatch，worthtwohundred，agent’sleatherpocket-bookthatweafterwardfoundtocontainsixhundreddollars，a32-calibrerevolver；andtheonlythingofthelotthatcouldhavebeenalady’spersonalpropertywasasilverbraceletworthaboutfiftycents。
Isaid：\"Madame，here’syourproperty，\"andhandedherthebracelet。
\"Now，\"Iwenton，\"howcanyouexpectustoactsquarewithyouwhenyoutrytodeceiveusinthismanner？I’msurprisedatsuchconduct。\"
Theyoungwomanflushedupasifshehadbeencaughtdoingsomethingdishonest。Someotherwomandownthelinecalledout：\"Themeanthing！\"I
neverknewwhethershemeanttheotherladyorme。
Whenwefinishedourjobweorderedeverybodybacktobed，told’emgoodnightverypolitelyatthedoor，andleft。Werodefortymilesbeforedaylightandthendividedthestuff。Eachoneofusgot$1，752。85inmoney。Welumpedthejewelleryaround。Thenwescattered，eachmanforhimself。
Thatwasmyfirsttrainrobbery，anditwasaboutaseasilydoneasanyoftheonesthatfollowed。ButthatwasthelastandonlytimeIeverwentthroughthepassengers。Idon’tlikethatpartofthebusiness。
AfterwardIstuckstrictlytotheexpresscar。DuringthenexteightyearsIhandledagooddealofmoney。
ThebesthaulImadewasjustsevenyearsafterthefirstone。WefoundoutaboutatrainthatwasgoingtobringoutalotofmoneytopayoffthesoldiersataGovernmentpost。Westuckthattrainupinbroaddaylight。Fiveofuslayinthesandhillsnearalittlestation。Tensoldierswereguardingthemoneyonthetrain，buttheymightjustaswellhavebeenathomeonafurlough。Wedidn’tevenallowthemtosticktheirheadsoutthewindowstoseethefun。Wehadnotroubleatallingettingthemoney，whichwasallingold。Ofcourse，abighowlwasraisedatthetimeabouttherobbery。ItwasGovernmentstuff，andtheGovernmentgotsarcasticandwantedtoknowwhattheconvoyofsoldierswentalongfor。
Theonlyexcusegivenwasthatnobodywasexpectinganattackamongthosebaresandhillsindaytime。Idon’tknowwhattheGovernmentthoughtabouttheexcuse，butIknowthatitwasagoodone。Thesurprise——thatisthekeynoteofthetrain-robbingbusiness。Thepaperspublishedallkindsofstoriesabouttheloss，finallyagreeingthatitwasbetweenninethousandandtenthousanddollars。TheGovernmentsawedwood。Herearethecorrectfigures，printedforthefirsttime——forty-eightthousanddollars。IfanybodywilltakethetroubletolookoverUncleSam’sprivateaccountsforthatlittledebittoprofitandloss，hewillfindthatIamrighttoacent。
Bythattimewewereexpertenoughtoknowwhattodo。Werodeduewesttwentymiles，makingatrailthataBroadwaypolicemancouldhavefollowed，andthenwedoubledback，hidingourtracks。Onthesecondnightafterthehold-up，whileposseswerescouringthecountryineverydirection，JimandIwereeatingsupperinthesecondstoryofafriend’shouseinthetownwherethealarmstartedfrom。Ourfriendpointedouttous，inanofficeacrossthestreet，aprintingpressatworkstrikingoffhandbillsofferingarewardforourcapture。
Ihavebeenaskedwhatwedowiththemoneyweget。Well，Inevercouldaccountforatenthpartofitafteritwasspent。Itgoesfastandfreely。Anoutlawhastohaveagoodmanyfriends。Ahighlyrespectedcitizenmay，andoftendoes，getalongwithveryfew，butamanonthedodgehasgottohave\"sidekickers。\"Withangrypossesandreward-hungryofficerscuttingoutahottrailforhim，hemusthaveafewplacesscatteredaboutthecountrywherehecanstopandfeedhimselfandhishorseandgetafewhours’sleepwithouthavingtokeepbotheyesopen。
Whenhemakesahaulhefeelslikedroppingsomeofthecoinwiththesefriends，andhedoesitliberally。SometimesIhave，attheendofahastyvisitatoneofthesehavensofrefuge，flungahandfulofgoldandbillsintothelapsofthekidsplayingonthefloor，withoutknowingwhethermycontributionwasahundreddollarsorathousand。
Whenold-timersmakeabighaultheygenerallygofarawaytooneofthebigcitiestospendtheirmoney。Greenhands，howeversuccessfulahold-uptheymake，nearlyalwaysgivethemselvesawaybyshowingtoomuchmoneyneartheplacewheretheygotit。
Iwasinajobin’94wherewegottwentythousanddollars。Wefollowedourfavouriteplanforaget-away——thatis，doubledonourtrail——andlaidlowforatimenearthesceneofthetrain’sbadluck。OnemorningI
pickedupanewspaperandreadanarticlewithbigheadlinesstatingthatthemarshal，witheightdeputiesandaposseofthirtyarmedcitizens，hadthetrainrobberssurroundedinamesquitethicketontheCimarron，andthatitwasaquestionofonlyafewhourswhentheywouldbedeadmenorprisoners。WhileIwasreadingthatarticleIwassittingatbreakfastinoneofthemostelegantprivateresidencesinWashingtonCity，withaflunkyinkneepantsstandingbehindmychair。Jimwassittingacrossthetabletalkingtohishalf-uncle，aretirednavalofficer，whosenameyouhaveoftenseenintheaccountsofdoingsinthecapital。Wehadgonethereandboughtrattlingoutfitsofgoodclothes，andwererestingfromourlaboursamongthenabobs。Wemusthavebeenkilledinthatmesquitethicket，forIcanmakeanaffidavitthatwedidn’tsurrender。
NowIproposetotellwhyitiseasytoholdupatrain，and，then，whynooneshouldeverdoit。
Inthefirstplace，theattackingpartyhasalltheadvantage。Thatis，ofcourse，supposingthattheyareold-timerswiththenecessaryexperienceandcourage。Theyhavetheoutsideandareprotectedbythedarkness，whiletheothersareinthelight，hemmedintoasmallspace，andexposed，themomenttheyshowaheadatawindowordoor，totheaimofamanwhoisadeadshotandwhowon’thesitatetoshoot。
But，inmyopinion，themainconditionthatmakestrainrobbingeasyistheelementofsurpriseinconnectionwiththeimaginationofthepassengers。IfyouhaveeverseenahorsethathaseatenlocoweedyouwillunderstandwhatImeanwhenIsaythatthepassengersgetlocoed。
Thathorsegetstheawfullestimaginationonhimintheworld。Youcan’tcoaxhimtocrossalittlebranchstreamtwofeetwide。ItlooksasbigtohimastheMississippiRiver。That’sjustthewaywiththepassenger。
Hethinksthereareahundredmenyellingandshootingoutside，whenmaybethereareonlytwoorthree。Andthemuzzleofaforty-fivelooksliketheentrancetoatunnel。Thepassengerisallright，althoughhemaydomeanlittletricks，likehidingawadofmoneyinhisshoeandforgettingtodig-upuntilyoujostlehisribssomewiththeendofyoursix-shooter；
butthere’snoharminhim。
Astothetraincrew，weneverhadanymoretroublewiththemthaniftheyhadbeensomanysheep。Idon’tmeanthattheyarecowards；Imeanthattheyhavegotsense。Theyknowthey’renotupagainstabluff。It’sthesamewaywiththeofficers。I’veseensecretservicemen，marshals，andrailroaddetectivesforkovertheirchangeasmeekasMoses。IsawoneofthebravestmarshalsIeverknewhidehisgununderhisseatanddigupalongwiththerestwhileIwastakingtoll。Hewasn’tafraid；hesimplyknewthatwehadthedroponthewholeoutfit。Besides，manyofthoseofficershavefamiliesandtheyfeelthattheyoughtn’ttotakechances；
whereasdeathhasnoterrorsforthemanwhoholdsupatrain。Heexpectstogetkilledsomeday，andhegenerallydoes。Myadvicetoyou，ifyoushouldeverbeinahold-up，istolineupwiththecowardsandsaveyourbraveryforanoccasionwhenitmaybeofsomebenefittoyou。Anotherreasonwhyofficersarebackwardaboutmixingthingswithatrainrobberisafinancialone。Everytimethereisascrimmageandsomebodygetskilled，theofficerslosemoney。IfthetrainrobbergetsawaytheyswearoutawarrantagainstJohnDoeetal。andtravelhundredsofmilesandsignvouchersforthousandsonthetrailofthefugitives，andtheGovernmentfootsthebills。So，withthem，itisaquestionofmileageratherthancourage。
Iwillgiveoneinstancetosupportmystatementthatthesurpriseisthebestcardinplayingforahold-up。
Alongin’92theDaltonswerecuttingoutahottrailfortheofficersdownintheCherokeeNation，Thoseweretheirluckydays，andtheygotsorecklessandsandy，thattheyusedtoannouncebeforehandwhatjobtheyweregoingtoundertake。OncetheygaveitoutthattheyweregoingtoholduptheM。K。&T。flyeronacertainnightatthestationofPryorCreek，inIndianTerritory。
ThatnighttherailroadcompanygotfifteendeputymarshalsinMuscogeeandputthemonthetrain。BesidethemtheyhadfiftyarmedmenhidinthedepotatPryorCreek。
WhentheKatyFlyerpulledinnotaDaltonshowedup。ThenextstationwasAdair，sixmilesaway。Whenthetrainreachedthere，andthedeputieswerehavingagoodtimeexplainingwhattheywouldhavedonetotheDaltongangiftheyhadturnedup，allatonceitsoundedlikeanarmyfiringoutside。Theconductorandbrakemancamerunningintothecaryelling，\"Trainrobbers！\"
Someofthosedeputieslitoutofthedoor，hittheground，andkeptonrunning。SomeofthemhidtheirWinchestersundertheseats。Twoofthemmadeafightandwerebothkilled。
IttooktheDaltonsjusttenminutestocapturethetrainandwhiptheescort。Intwentyminutesmoretheyrobbedtheexpresscaroftwenty-seventhousanddollarsandmadeacleanget-away。
MyopinionisthatthosedeputieswouldhaveputupastifffightatPryorCreek，wheretheywereexpectingtrouble，buttheyweretakenbysurpriseand\"locoed\"atAdair，justastheDaltons，whoknewtheirbusiness，expectedtheywould。
Idon’tthinkIoughttoclosewithoutgivingsomedeductionsfrommyexperienceofeightyears\"onthedodge。\"Itdoesn’tpaytorobtrains。
Leavingoutthequestionofrightandmorals，whichIdon’tthinkIoughttotackle，thereisverylittletoenvyinthelifeofanoutlaw。Afterawhilemoneyceasestohaveanyvalueinhiseyes。Hegetstolookingupontherailroadsandexpresscompaniesashisbankers，andhissix-shooterasachequebookgoodforanyamount。Hethrowsawaymoneyrightandleft。
Mostofthetimeheisonthejump，ridingdayandnight，andhelivessohardbetweentimesthathedoesn’tenjoythetasteofhighlifewhenhegetsit。Heknowsthathistimeisboundtocometolosehislifeorliberty，andthattheaccuracyofhisaim，thespeedofhishorse，andthefidelityofhis\"sider，\"areallthatpostponetheinevitable。
Itisn’tthathelosesanysleepoverdangerfromtheofficersofthelaw。InallmyexperienceIneverknewofficerstoattackabandofoutlawsunlesstheyoutnumberedthematleastthreetoone。
Buttheoutlawcarriesonethoughtconstantlyinhismind——andthatiswhatmakeshimsosoreagainstlife，morethananythingelse——heknowswherethemarshalsgettheirrecruitsofdeputies。Heknowsthatthemajorityoftheseupholdersofthelawwereoncelawbreakers，horsethieves，rustlers，highwaymen，andoutlawslikehimself，andthattheygamedtheirpositionsandimmunitybyturningstate’sevidence，byturningtraitoranddeliveringuptheircomradestoimprisonmentanddeath。Heknowsthatsomeday——unlessheisshotfirst——hisJudaswillsettowork，thetrapwillbelaid，andhewillbethesurprisedinsteadofasurpriseratastick-up。
Thatiswhythemanwhoholdsuptrainspickshiscompanywithathousandtimesthecarewithwhichacarefulgirlchoosesasweetheart。Thatiswhyheraiseshimselffromhisblanketofnightsandlistenstothetreadofeveryhorse’shoofsonthedistantroad。Thatiswhyhebroodssuspiciouslyfordaysuponajestingremarkoranunusualmovementofatriedcomrade，orthebrokenmutteringsofhisclosestfriend，sleepingbyhisside。
Anditisoneofthereasonswhythetrain-robbingprofessionisnotsopleasantaoneaseitherofitscollateralbranches——politicsorcorneringthemarket。
VIULYSSESANDTHEDOGMAN
Doyouknowthetimeofthedogmen？
Whentheforefingeroftwilightbeginstosmudgetheclear-drawnlinesoftheBigCitythereisinauguratedanhourdevotedtooneofthemostmelancholysightsofurbanlife。
OutfromthetoweringflatcragsandapartmentpeaksofthecliffdwellersofNewYorkstealsanarmyofbeingsthatwereoncemen，Evenyettheygouprightupontwolimbsandretainhumanformandspeech；butyouwillobservethattheyarebehindanimalsinprogress。Eachofthesebeingsfollowsadog，towhichheisfastenedbyanartificialligament。
ThesemenareallvictimstoCirce。NotwillinglydotheybecomeflunkeystoFido，bellboystobullterriers，andtoddlersafterTowzer。ModernCirce，insteadofturningthemintoanimals，haskindlyleftthedifferenceofasix-footleashbetweenthem。Everyoneofthosedogmenhasbeeneithercajoled，bribed，orcommandedbyhisownparticularCircetotakethedearhouseholdpetoutforanairing。
Bytheirfacesandmanneryoucantellthatthedogmenareboundinahopelessenchantment。Neverwilltherecomeevenadog-catcherUlyssestoremovethespell。
Thefacesofsomearestonilyset。Theyarepastthecommiseration，thecuriosity，orthejeersoftheirfellow-beings。Yearsofmatrimony，ofcontinuouscompulsorycanineconstitutionals，havemadethemcallous。
Theyunwindtheirbeastsfromlampposts，ortheensnaredlegsofprofanepedestrians，withthestolidityofmandarinsmanipulatingthestringsoftheirkites。
Others，morerecentlyreducedtotheranksofRover’sretinue，taketheirmedicinesulkilyandfiercely。Theyplaythedogontheendoftheirlinewiththepleasurefeltbythegirloutfishingwhenshecatchesasea-robinonherhook。Theyglareatyouthreateninglyifyoulookatthem，asifitwouldbetheirdelighttoletslipthedogsofwar。Thesearehalf-mutinousdogmen，notquiteCirce-ized，andyouwilldowellnottokicktheircharges，shouldtheysniffaroundyourankles。
Othersofthetribedonotseemtofeelsokeenly。Theyaremostlyunfreshyouths，withgoldcapsanddroopingcigarettes，whodonotharmonizewiththeirdogs。Theanimalstheyattendwearsatinbowsintheircollars；andtheyoungmensteerthemsoassiduouslythatyouaretemptedtothetheorythatsomepersonaladvantage，contingentuponsatisfactoryservice，waitsupontheexecutionoftheirduties。
Thedogsthuspersonallyconductedareofmanyvarieties；buttheyareoneinfatness，inpampered，diseasedvilenessoftemper，ininsolent，snarlingcapriciousnessofbehaviour。Theytugattheleashfractiously，theymakeleisurelynasalinventoryofeverydoorstep，railing，andpost。Theysitdowntorestwhentheychoose；theywheezelikethewinnerofaThirdAvenuebeefsteak-eatingcontest；theyblunderclumsilyintoopencellarsandcoalholes；theyleadthedogmenamerrydance。
Theseunfortunatedrynursesofdogdom，thecurcuddlers，mongrelmanagers，Spitzstalkers，poodlepullers，Skyescrapers，dachshunddandlers，terriertrailersandPomeranianpushersofthecliff-dwellingCircesfollowtheirchargesmeekly。Thedoggiesneitherfearnorrespectthem。Mastersofthehousethesemenwhomtheyholdinleashmaybe，buttheyarenotmastersofthem。Fromcoseycornertofireescape，fromdivantodumbwaiter，doggy’ssnarleasilydrivesthistwo-leggedbeingwhoiscommissionedtowalkattheotherendofhisstringduringhisouting。
OnetwilightthedogmencameforthasusualattheirCirces’pleading，guerdon，orcrackofthewhip。Oneamongthemwasastrongman，apparentlyoftoosolidvirtuesforthisairyvocation。Hisexpressionwasmelancholic，hismannerdepressed。Hewasleashedtoavilewhitedog，loathsomelyfat，fiendishlyill-natured，gloatinglyintractabletowardhisdespisedconductor。
Atacornernearesttohisapartmenthousethedogmanturneddownasidestreet，hopingforfewerwitnessestohisignominy。Thesurfeitedbeastwaddledbeforehim，pantingwithspleenandthelabourofmotion。
Suddenlythedogstopped。Atall，brown，long-coated，wide-brimmedmanstoodlikeaColossusblockingthesidewalkanddeclaring：
\"Well，I’masonofagun！\"
\"JimBerry！\"breathedthedogman，withexclamationpointsinhisvoice。
\"SamTelfair，\"criedWide-Brimagain，\"youding-bastedoldwilly-walloo，giveusyourhoof！\"
Theirhandsclaspedinthebrief，tightgreetingoftheWestthatisdeathtothehand-shakemicrobe。
\"Youoldfatrascal！\"continuedWide-Brim，withawrinkledbrownsmile；
\"it’sbeenfiveyearssinceIseenyou。Ibeeninthistownaweek，butyoucan’tfindnobodyinsuchaplace。Well，youdingedoldmarriedman，howaretheycoming？\"
SomethingmushyandheavilysoftlikeraiseddoughleanedagainstJim’slegandchewedhistrouserswithayeastygrowl。
\"Gettowork，\"saidJim，\"andexplainthisyard-widehydrophobiayearlingyou’vethrowedyourlassoover。Areyouthepound-masterofthisburg？
Doyoucallthatadogorwhat？\"
\"Ineedadrink，\"saidthedogman，dejectedatthereminderofhisolddogofthesea。\"Comeon。\"
Hardbywasacafe。’Tiseversointhebigcity。
Theysatatatable，andthebloatedmonsteryelpedandscrambledattheendofhisleashtogetatthecafecat。
\"Whiskey，\"saidJimtothewaiter。
\"Makeittwo，\"saidthedogman。
\"You’refatter，\"saidJim，\"andyoulooksubjugated。Idon’tknowabouttheEastagreeingwithyou。AlltheboysaskedmetohuntyouupwhenI
started，SandyKing，hewenttotheKlondike。WatsonBurrel，hemarriedtheoldestPetersgirl。Imadesomemoneybuyingbeeves，andIboughtalotofwildlandupontheLittlePowder。Goingtofencenextfall。BillRawlins，he’sgonetofarming。YourememberBill，ofcourse——hewascourtingMarcella——excuseme，Sam——Imeantheladyyoumarried，whileshewasteachingschoolatPrairieView。Butyouwastheluckyman。HowisMissisTelfair？\"
\"S-h-h-h！\"saidthedogman，signallingthewaiter；\"giveitaname。\"
\"Whiskey，\"saidJim。
\"Makeittwo，\"saidthedogman。
\"She’swell，\"hecontinued，afterhischaser。\"SherefusedtoliveanywherebutinNewYork，whereshecamefrom。Weliveinaflat。EveryeveningatsixItakethatdogoutforawalk。It’sMarcella’spet。
Thereneverweretwoanimalsonearth，Jim，thathatedoneanotherlikemeandthatdogdoes。Hisname’sLovekins。Marcelladressesfordinnerwhilewe’reout。Weeattabbledote。Evertryoneofthem，Jim？\"
\"No，Inever，\"saidJim。\"Iseenthesigns，butIthoughttheysaid’tabledehole。’IthoughtitwasFrenchforpooltables。Howdoesittaste？\"
\"Ifyou’regoingtobeinthecityforawhilewewill——\"
\"No，sir-ee。I’mstartingforhomethiseveningonthe7。25。Liketostaylonger，butIcan’t。\"
\"I’llwalkdowntotheferrywithyou，\"saidthedogman。
ThedoghadboundalegeachofJimandthechairtogether，andhadsunkintoacomatoseslumber。Jimstumbled，andtheleashwasslightlywrenched。Theshrieksoftheawakenedbeastrangforablockaround。
\"Ifthat’syourdog，\"saidJim，whentheywereonthestreetagain，\"what’stohinderyoufromrunningthathabeascorpusyou’vegotaroundhisneckoveralimbandwalkingoffandforgettinghim？\"
\"I’dneverdareto，\"saidthedogman，awedattheboldproposition。\"Hesleepsinthebed，Isleeponalounge。HerunshowlingtoMarcellaifI
lookathim。Somenight，Jim，I’mgoingtogetevenwiththatdog。I’vemadeupmymindtodoit。I’mgoingtocreepoverwithaknifeandcutaholeinhismosquitobarsotheycangetintohim。SeeifIdon’tdoit！\"
\"Youain’tyourself，SamTelfair。Youain’twhatyouwasonce。Idon’tknowaboutthesecitiesandflatsoverhere。WithmyowneyesIseenyoustandoffboththeTillotsonboysinPrairieViewwiththebrassfaucetoutofamolassesbarrel。AndIseenyouropeandtiethewildeststeeronLittlePowderin391-2。\"
\"Idid，didn’tI？\"saidtheother，withatemporarygleaminhiseye。
\"ButthatwasbeforeIwasdogmatized。\"
\"DoesMissesTelfair——\"beganJim。