Youmayjudgeofthisbythestepsitinducedmetotake。’Hethentoldmehow,afterdiscoveringthatIhaddeceivedhim,andgoneoffwithmymistress,heprocuredhorsesforthepurposeofpursuingme,buthavingthestartofhimbyfourorfivehours,hefounditimpossibletoovertakeme;thathearrived,however,atSt。DenishalfanhourafterIhadleftit;that,beingverysurethatImusthavestoppedinParis,hespentsixweeksthereinafruitlessendeavourtodiscoverme——visitingeveryplacewherehethoughtheshouldbelikelytomeetme,andthatoneeveningheatlengthrecognisedmymistressattheplay,whereshewassogorgeouslydressed,thatheofcoursesetitdowntotheaccountofsomenewlover;thathehadfollowedherequipagetoherhouse,andhadtherelearnedfromaservantthatshewasentertainedinthisstylebyM。deB————。`Ididnotstophere,’
continuedhe;`Ireturnednextdaytothehouse,tolearnfromherownlipswhathadbecomeofyou。Sheturnedabruptlyawaywhensheheardthementionofyourname,andIwasobligedtoreturnintothecountrywithoutfurtherinformation。Itherelearnedtheparticularsofyouradventure,andtheextremeannoyanceshehadcausedyou;butIwasunwillingtovisityouuntilIcouldhaveassuranceofyourbeinginamoretranquilstate。’
\"`YouhaveseenManonthen!’criedI,sighing。`Alas!youarehappierthanI,whoamdoomedneveragaintobeholdher。’Herebukedmeforthissigh,whichstillshowedmyweaknessfortheperfidiousgirl。Heflatteredmesoadroitlyuponthegoodnessofmymindanddisposition,thathereallyinspiredme,evenonthisfirstvisit,withastronginclinationtorenounce,ashehaddone,thepleasuresoftheworld,andenteratonceintoholyorders。
\"Theideawassosuitedtomypresentframeofmind,thatwhenaloneIthoughtofnothingelse。IrememberedthewordsoftheBishopofAmiens,whohadgivenmethesameadvice,andthoughtonlyofthehappinesswhichhepredictedwouldresultfrommyadoptionofsuchacourse。Pietyitselftookpartinthesesuggestions。`IshallleadaholyandaChristianlife,’saidI;
`Ishalldividemytimebetweenstudyandreligion,whichwillallowmenoleisurefortheperilouspleasuresoflove。Ishalldespisethatwhichmenordinarilyadmire;andasIamconsciousthatmyheartwilldesirenothingbutwhatitcanesteem,mycareswillnotbegreaterormorenumerousthanmywantsandwishes。’
\"Ithereuponpicturedtomyselfinanticipationacourseoflifepeacefulandretired。Ifanciedaretreatembosomedinawood,withalimpidstreamofrunningwaterboundingmygarden;alibrary,comprisingthemostselectworks;alimitedcircleoffriends,virtuousandintellectual;atableneatlyserved,butfrugalandtemperate。ToalltheseagremensIaddedaliterarycorrespondencewithafriendwhoseresidenceshouldbeinParis,whoshouldgivemeoccasionalinformationuponpublicaffairs,lessforthegratificationofmycuriosity,thantoaffordakindofrelaxationbyhearingofandlamentingthebusyfolliesofmen。`ShallnotIbehappy?’addedI;`willnotmyutmostwishesbethusgratified?’Thisprojectflatteredmyinclinationsextremely。Butafterallthedetailsofthismostadmirableandprudentplan,Ifeltthatmyheartstillyearnedforsomething;
andthatinordertoleavenothingtodesireinthismostenchantingretirement,oneoughttobeabletoshareitwithManon。
\"However,Tibergecontinuingtopaymefrequentvisitsinordertostrengthenmeinthepurposewithwhichhehadinspiredme,I
tookanopportunityofopeningthesubjecttomyfather。Hedeclaredthathisintentioneverwastoleavehischildrenfreetochooseaprofession,andthatinwhatevermannerIshoulddisposeofmyself,allhewishedtoreservewastherightofaidingmewithhiscounsel。Onthisoccasionhegavemesomeofthewisest,whichtendedlesstodivertmefrommyproject,thantoconvincemeofmygoodfather’ssoundjudgmentanddiscretion。
Therecommencementofthescholasticyearbeingathand,TibergeandIagreedtoenterourselvestogetheratSt。Sulpice,hetopursuehistheologicalstudies,andItobeginmine。Hismerits,whichwerenotunknowntothebishopofthediocese,procuredhimthepromiseofalivingfromthatprelatebeforeourdeparture。
\"Myfather,thinkingmequitecuredofmypassion,madenoobjectiontomytakingfinalleave。WearrivedatParis。TheCrossofMaltagaveplacetotheecclesiasticalhabit,andthedesignationoftheAbbedeGrieuxwassubstitutedforthatofchevalier。Iappliedsodiligentlytostudy,thatinafewmonthsIhadmadeextraordinaryprogress。Ineverlostamomentoftheday,andemployedevenpartofthenight。Isoonacquiredsuchareputation,thatIwasalreadycongratulateduponthehonourswhichIwassureofobtaining;and,withoutsolicitationonmypart,mynamewasinscribedonthelistforavacantbenefice。Pietywasbynomeansneglected,andIenteredwithardentdevotionintoalltheexercisesofreligion。Tibergewasproudofwhatheconsideredtheworkofhisownhands,andmanyatimehaveIseenhimshedtearsofdelightinnoticingwhathestyledmyperfectconversion。
\"Ithasneverbeenmatterofwondertomethathumanresolutionsareliabletochange;onepassiongivesthembirth,anothermaydestroythem;butwhenIreflectuponthesacrednessofthosemotivesthatledmetoSt。Sulpice,andupontheheartfeltsatisfactionIenjoyedwhileobeyingtheirdictation,IshudderatthefacilitywithwhichIoutragedthemall。IfitbetruethatthebenignsuccouraffordedbyHeavenisatalltimesequaltothestrongestofman’spinions,Ishallbegladtolearnthenatureofthedeplorableascendancywhichcausesussuddenlytoswervefromthepathofduty,withoutthepowerofofferingtheleastresistance,andwithouteventheslightestvisitationofremorse。
\"Inowthoughtmyselfentirelysafefromthedangersoflove。I
fanciedthatIcouldhavepreferredasinglepageofSt。
Augustine,oraquarterofanhourofChristianmeditation,toeverysensualgratification,notexceptinganythatImighthavederivedevenfromManon’ssociety。Nevertheless,oneunluckymomentplungedmeagainheadlongintothegulf;andmyruinwasthemoreirreparable,because,fallingatoncetothesamedepthfromwhenceIhadbeenbeforerescued,eachofthenewdisordersintowhichInowlapsedcarriedmedeeperanddeeperstilldowntheprofoundabyssofvice。IhadpassednearlyayearatPariswithouthearingofManon。Itcostmenoslightefforttoabstainfromenquiry;buttheunintermittingadviceofTiberge,andmyownreflections,securedthisvictoryovermywishes。Thelastmonthsglidedawaysotranquilly,thatIconsideredthememoryofthischarmingbuttreacherouscreatureabouttobeconsignedtoeternaloblivion。
\"ThetimearrivedwhenIwastoundergoapublicexaminationintheclassoftheology:Iinvitedseveralpersonsofconsiderationtohonourmewiththeirpresenceontheoccasion。
MynamewasmentionedineveryquarterofParis:itevenreachedtheearsofherwhohadbetrayedme。ShehadsomedifficultyinrecognisingitwiththeprefixofAbbe;butcuriosity,orperhapsremorseforhavingbeenfaithlesstome(Icouldneverafterascertainbywhichofthesefeelingsshewasactuated),madeheratoncetakeaninterestinanamesolikemine;andshecamewithseveralotherwomentotheSorbonne,whereshewaspresentatmyexamination,andhaddoubtlesslittletroubleinrecognisingmyperson。
\"Ihadnottheremotestsuspicionofherpresence。Itiswellknownthatintheseplacesthereareprivateseatsforladies,wheretheyremainscreenedbyacurtain。IreturnedtoSt。
Sulpicecoveredwithhonoursandcongratulations。Itwassixintheevening。ThemomentIreturned,aladywasannounced,whodesiredtospeakwithme。Iwenttomeether。Heavens!whatasurprise!
ItwasManon。Itwassheindeed,butmorebewitchingandbrilliantthanIhadeverbeheldher。Shewasnowinhereighteenthyear。Herbeautybeggarsalldescription。Theexquisitegraceofherform,themildsweetnessofexpressionthatanimatedherfeatures,andherengagingair,madeherseemtheverypersonificationoflove。Thevisionwassomethingtooperfectforhumanbeauty。
\"Istoodlikeoneenchantedatbeholdingher。Unabletodivinetheobjectofhervisit,Iwaitedtremblingandwithdowncastlooksuntilsheexplainedherself。Atfirst,herembarrassmentwasequaltomine;but,seeingthatIwasnotdisposedtobreaksilence,sheraisedherhandtohereyestoconcealastartingtear,andthen,inatimidtone,saidthatshewellknewshehadjustlyearnedmyabhorrencebyherinfidelity;butthatifIhadeverreallyfeltanyloveforher,therewasnotmuchkindnessinallowingtwolongyearstopasswithoutenquiringafterher,andaslittlenowinseeingherinthestateofmentaldistressinwhichshewas,withoutcondescendingtobestowuponherasingleword。IshallnotattempttodescribewhatmyfeelingswereasI
listenedtothisreproof。
\"Sheseatedherself。Iremainedstanding,withmyfacehalfturnedaside,forIcouldnotmustercouragetomeetherlook。I
severaltimescommencedareplywithoutpowertoconcludeit。AtlengthImadeaneffort,andinatoneofpoignantgriefexclaimed:`PerfidiousManon!perfidious,perfidiouscreature!’
Shehadnowish,sherepeatedwithafloodoftears,toattempttojustifyherinfidelity。`Whatisyourwish,then?’criedI。
`Iwishtodie,’sheanswered,`ifyouwillnotgivemebackthatheart,withoutwhichitisimpossibletoendurelife。’`Takemylifetoo,then,faithlessgirl!’Iexclaimed,invainendeavouringtorestrainmytears;`takemylifealso!itisthesolesacrificethatremainsformetomake,formyhearthasneverceasedtobethine。’
\"Ihadhardlyutteredthesewords,whensheroseinatransportofjoy,andapproachedtoembraceme。Sheloadedmewithathousandcaresses。Sheaddressedmebyalltheendearingappellationswithwhichlovesupplieshisvotaries,toenablethemtoexpressthemostpassionatefondness。Istillansweredwithaffectedcoldness;butthesuddentransitionfromastateofquietude,suchasthatIhaduptothismomentenjoyed,totheagitationandtumultwhichwerenowkindledinmybreastandtingledthroughmyveins,thrilledmewithakindofhorror,andimpressedmewithavaguesensethatIwasabouttoundergosomegreattransformation,andtoenteruponanewexistence。
\"Wesatdownclosebyeachother。Itookherhandwithinmine,`Ah!Manon,’saidI,withalookofsorrow,`Ilittlethoughtthatlovelikeminecouldhavebeenrepaidwithtreachery!Itwasapoortriumphtobetrayaheartofwhichyouweretheabsolutemistress——whosesolehappinessitwastogratifyandobeyyou。Tellmeifamongothersyouhavefoundanysoaffectionateandsodevoted?No,no!Ibelievenaturehascastfewheartsinthesamemouldasmine。Tellmeatleastwhetheryouhaveeverthoughtofmewithregret!CanIhaveanyrelianceonthedurationofthefeelingthathasbroughtyoubacktometoday?Iperceivetooplainlythatyouareinfinitelylovelierthanever:butIconjureyoubyallmypastsufferings,dearestManon,totellme——canyouinfuturebemorefaithful?’
\"Shegavemeinreplysuchtenderassurancesofherrepentance,andpledgedherfidelitywithsuchsolemnprotestationsandvows,thatIwasinexpressiblyaffected。`BeauteousManon,’saidI,withratheraprofanemixtureofamorousandtheologicalexpressions,`youaretooadorableforacreatedbeing。Ifeelmyhearttransportedwithtriumphantrapture。ItisfollytotalkoflibertyatSt。Sulpice。Fortuneandreputationarebutslightsacrificesatsuchashrine!Iplainlyforeseeit:Icanreadmydestinyinyourbrighteyes;butwhatabundantrecompenseshallInotfindinyouraffectionsforanylossImaysustain!
Thefavoursoffortunehavenoinfluenceoverme:fameitselfappearstomebutamockery;allmyprojectsofaholylifewerewildabsurdities:infact,anyjoysbutthoseImayhopeforatyoursidearefitobjectsofcontempt。Therearenonethatwouldnotvanishintoworthlessnessbeforeonesingleglanceofthine!’
\"Inpromisingher,however,afullremissionofherpastfrailties,IenquiredhowshepermittedherselftobeledastraybyB————。Sheinformedmethathavingseenheratherwindow,hebecamepassionatelyinlovewithher;thathemadehisadvancesinthetruestyleofamercantilecit;——thatistosay,bygivinghertounderstandinhisletter,thathispaymentswouldbeproportionedtoherfavours;thatshehadadmittedhisoverturesatfirstwithnootherintentionthanthatofgettingfromhimsuchasumasmightenableustolivewithoutinconvenience;butthathehadsobewilderedherwithsplendidpromises,thatsheallowedherselftobemisledbydegrees。Sheadded,thatIoughttohaveformedsomenotionoftheremorsesheexperienced,byhergriefonthenightofourseparation;andassuredmethat,inspiteofthesplendourinwhichhemaintainedher,shehadneverknownamoment’shappinesswithhim,notonly,shesaid,becausehewasutterlydevoidofthatdelicacyofsentimentandofthoseagreeablemannerswhichIpossessed,butbecauseeveninthemidstoftheamusementswhichheunceasinglyprocuredher,shecouldnevershakeofftherecollectionofmylove,orherowningratitude。ShethenspokeofTiberge,andtheextremeembarrassmenthisvisitcausedher。`Adagger’spoint,’sheadded,`couldnothavestruckmoreterrortomyheart。Iturnedfromhim,unabletosustaintheinterviewforamoment。’
\"ShecontinuedtoinformmehowshehadbeenapprisedofmyresidenceatParis,ofthechangeinmycondition,andofherwitnessingmyexaminationattheSorbonne。Shetoldmehowagitatedshehadbeenduringmyintellectualconflictwiththeexaminer;whatdifficultyshefeltinrestraininghertearsaswellashersighs,whichweremorethanonceonthepointofspurningallcontrol,andburstingforth;thatshewasthelastpersontoleavethehallofexamination,forfearofbetrayingherdistress,andthat,followingonlytheinstinctofherownheart,andherardentdesires,shecamedirecttotheseminary,withthefirmresolutionofsurrenderinglifeitself,ifshefoundmecruelenoughtowithholdmyforgiveness。
\"CouldanysavageremainunmovedbysuchproofsofcordialrepentanceasthoseIhadjustwitnessed?Formypart,IfeltatthemomentthatIcouldgladlyhavegivenupallthebishopricsinChristendomforManon。Iaskedwhatcourseshewouldrecommendinourpresentemergency。`Itisrequisite,’shereplied,`atallevents,toquittheseminary,andsettleinsomesaferplace。’Iconsentedtoeverythingsheproposed。Shegotintohercarriagetogoandwaitformeatthecornerofthestreet。Iescapedthenextmoment,withoutattractingtheporter’snotice。Ienteredthecarriage,andwedroveofftoaJew’s。Ithereresumedmylay-dressandsword。Manonfurnishedthesupplies,forIwaswithoutasou,andfearingthatImightmeetwithsomenewimpediment,shewouldnotconsenttomyreturningtomyroomatSt。Sulpiceformypurse。Myfinanceswereintruthwretchedlylow,andhersmorethansufficientlyenrichedbytheliberalityofM。deB————tomakeherthinklightlyofmyloss。WeconsultedtogetherattheJew’sastothecourseweshouldnowadopt。
\"Inordertoenhancethesacrificeshehadmadeformeofherlatelover,shedeterminedtotreathimwithouttheleastceremony。`Ishallleavehimallhisfurniture,’shesaid;`itbelongstohim:butIshallassuredlycarryoff,asIhavearighttodo,thejewels,andaboutsixtythousandfrancs,whichI
havehadfromhiminthelasttwoyears。Ihavegivenhimnocontroloverme,’sheadded,`sothatwemayremainwithoutapprehensioninParis,takingaconvenienthouse,whereweshalllive,ohhowhappilytogether!’
\"Irepresentedtoherthat,althoughtheremightbenodangerforher,therewasagreatdealforme,whomustbesoonerorlaterinfalliblyrecognised,andcontinuallyexposedtoarepetitionofthetrialsIhadbeforeendured。ShegavemetounderstandthatshecouldnotquitPariswithoutregret。Ihadsuchadreadofgivingherannoyance,thattherewerenorisksI
wouldnothaveencounteredforhersake。However,wecompromisedmattersbyresolvingtotakeahouseinsomevillagenearParis,fromwhenceitwouldbeeasyforustocomeintotownwheneverpleasureorbusinessrequiredit。WefixedonChaillot,whichisataconvenientdistance。Manonatoncereturnedtoherhouse,andIwenttowaitforherataside-gateofthegardenoftheTuileries。
\"Shereturnedanhourafter,inahiredcarriage,withaservant-maid,andseveraltrunks,whichcontainedherdresses,andeverythingshehadofvalue。
\"WewerenotlongonourwaytoChaillot。Welodgedthefirstnightattheinn,inordertohavetimetofindasuitablehouse,oratleastacommodiouslodging。Wefoundonetoourtastethenextmorning。
\"Myhappinessnowappearedtobesecuredbeyondthereachoffate。Manonwaseverythingmostsweetandamiable。Shewassodelicateandsounceasinginherattentionstome,thatIdeemedmyselfbuttoobountifullyrewardedforallmypasttroubles。Aswehadboth,bythistime,acquiredsomeexperience,wediscussedrationallythestateofourfinances。Sixtythousandfrancs(theamountofourwealth)wasnotasumthatcouldbeexpectedtolastourwholelife;besides,wewereneitherofusmuchdisposedtocontrolourexpenses。Manon’schiefvirtueassuredlywasnoteconomy,anymorethanitwasmine。Thiswasmyproposition。
`Sixtythousandfrancs,’saidI,`maysupportusfortenyears。
Twothousandcrownsayearwillsuffice,ifwecontinuetoliveatChaillot。Weshallkeepupappearances,butlivefrugally。
Ouronlyexpensewillbeoccasionallyacarriage,andthetheatres。Weshalldoeverythinginmoderation。Youliketheopera;weshallgotwiceaweek,intheseason。Asforplay,weshalllimitourselves;sothatourlossesmustneverexceedthreecrowns。Itisimpossiblebutthatinthespaceoftenyearssomechangemustoccurinmyfamily:myfatherisevennowofanadvancedage;hemaydie;inwhicheventImustinheritafortune,andweshallthenbeaboveallotherfears。’
\"Thisarrangementwouldnothavebeenbyanymeansthemostsillyactofmylife,ifwehadonlybeenprudentenoughtopersevereinitsexecution;butourresolutionshardlylastedlongerthanamonth。Manon’spassionwasforamusement;shewastheonlyobjectofmine。Newtemptationstoexpenseconstantlypresentedthemselves,andfarfromregrettingthemoneywhichshesometimesprodigallylavished,Iwasthefirsttoprocureforhereverythinglikelytoaffordherpleasure。OurresidenceatChaillotbeganeventoappeartiresome。
\"Winterwasapproaching,andthewholeworldreturningtotown;
thecountryhadadesertedlook。SheproposedtometotakeahouseinParis。Ididnotapproveofthis;but,inorderpartlyatleasttosatisfyher,Isaidthatwemighthirefurnishedapartments,andthatwemightsleeptherewheneverwewerelateinquittingtheassembly,whitherweoftenwent;fortheinconvenienceofreturningsolatetoChaillotwasherexcuseforwishingtoleaveit。Wehadthustwodwellings,oneintownandtheotherinthecountry。Thischangesoonthrewouraffairsintoconfusion,andledtotwoadventures,whicheventuallycausedourruin。
\"ManonhadabrotherintheGuards。Heunfortunatelylivedintheverystreetinwhichwehadtakenlodgings。Heonedayrecognisedhissisteratthewindow,andhastenedovertous。Hewasafellowoftherudestmanners,andwithouttheslightestprincipleofhonour。Heenteredtheroomswearinginthemosthorribleway;andasheknewpartofhissister’shistory,heloadedherwithabuseandreproaches。
\"Ihadgoneoutthemomentbefore,whichwasdoubtlessfortunateforeitherhimorme,forIwaslittledisposedtobrookaninsult。Ionlyreturnedtothelodgingsafterhehadleftthem。
ThelowspiritsinwhichIfoundManonconvincedmeatoncethatsomethingextraordinaryhadoccurred。Shetoldmeoftheprovokingsceneshehadjustgonethrough,andofthebrutalthreatsofherbrother。Ifeltsuchindignation,thatIwishedtoproceedatoncetoavengeher,whensheentreatedmewithtearstodesist。
\"Whilewewerestilltalkingoftheadventure,theguardsmanagainenteredtheroominwhichwesat,withoutevenwaitingtobeannounced。HadIknownhim,heshouldnothavemetfrommeascivilareceptionashedid;butsalutinguswithasmileuponhiscountenance,headdressedhimselftoManon,andsaid,hewascometomakeexcusesforhisviolence;thathehadsupposedhertobelivingalifeofshameanddisgrace,anditwasthisnotionthatexcitedhisrage;buthavingsincemadeenquiryfromoneofourservants,hehadlearnedsuchacharacterofme,thathisonlywishwasnowtobeontermswithusboth。
\"Althoughthisadmission,ofhavinggoneforinformationtooneofmyownservants,hadinitsomethingludicrousaswellasindelicate,Iacknowledgedhiscomplimentswithcivility,I
thoughtbydoingsotopleaseManon,andIwasnotdeceived——shewasdelightedatthereconciliation。Wemadehimstaytodinewithus。
\"Inalittletimehebecamesofamiliar,thathearingusspeakofourreturntoChaillot,heinsistedonaccompanyingus。Wewereobligedtogivehimaseatinourcarriage。Thiswasinfactputtinghimintopossession,forhesoonbegantofeelsomuchpleasureinourcompany,thathemadeourhousehishome,andmadehimselfinsomemeasuremasterofallthatbelongedtous。Hecalledmehisbrother,and,underthesemblanceoffraternalfreedom,heputhimselfonsuchafootingastointroduceallhisfriendswithoutceremonyintoourhouseatChaillot,andthereentertainthematourexpense。Hismagnificentuniformswereprocuredofmytailorandchargedtome,andheevencontrivedtomakeManonandmeresponsibleforallhisdebts。Ipretendedtobeblindtothissystemoftyranny,ratherthanannoyManon,andeventotakenonoticeofthesumsofmoneywhichfromtimetotimehereceivedfromher。
Nodoubt,asheplayedverydeep,hewashonestenoughtorepayherapartsometimes,whenluckturnedinhisfavour;butourfinanceswereutterlyinadequatetosupply,foranylengthoftime,demandsofsuchmagnitudeandfrequency。
\"Iwasonthepointofcomingtoanunderstandingwithhim,inordertoputanendtothesystem,whenanunfortunateaccidentsavedmethattrouble,byinvolvingusininextricableruin。
\"OnenightwestoppedinParistosleep,asithadnowindeedbecomeourconstanthabit。Theservant-maidwhoonsuchoccasionsremainedaloneatChaillot,cameearlythenextmorningtoinformmethatourhousehadtakenfireinthenight,andthattheflameshadbeenextinguishedwithgreatdifficulty。Iaskedwhetherthefurniturehadsuffered。Sheanswered,thattherehadbeensuchconfusion,owingtothemultitudeofstrangerswhocametoofferassistance,thatshecouldhardlyascertainwhatdamagehadbeendone。Iwasprincipallyuneasyaboutourmoney,whichhadbeenlockedupinalittlebox。IwentoffinhastetoChaillot。Vainhope!theboxhaddisappeared!
\"Idiscoveredthatonecouldlovemoneywithoutbeingamiser。
ThislossafflictedmetosuchadegreethatIwasalmostoutofmymind。IsawatoneglancetowhatnewcalamitiesIshouldbeexposed:povertywastheleastofthem。IknewManonthoroughly;
Ihadalreadyhadabundantproofthat,althoughfaithfulandattachedtomeunderhappiercircumstances,shecouldnotbedependeduponinwant:pleasureandplentyshelovedtoowelltosacrificethemformysake。`Ishallloseher!’Icried;
`miserablechevalier!youareaboutthentoloseallthatyouloveonearth!’ThisthoughtagitatedmetosuchadegreethatI
actuallyforsomemomentsconsideredwhetheritwouldnotbebestformetoendatonceallmymiseriesbydeath。IhoweverpreservedpresenceofmindenoughtoreflectwhetherIwasentirelywithoutresource,andanideaoccurredtomewhichquietedmydespair。Itwouldnotbeimpossible,Ithought,toconcealourlossfromManon;andImightperhapsdiscoversomewaysandmeansofsupplyingher,soastowardofftheinconveniencesofpoverty。
\"Ihadcalculatedinendeavouringtocomfortmyself,thattwentythousandcrownswouldsupportusfortenyears。Supposethatthesetenyearshadnowelapsed,andthatnoneoftheeventswhichIhadlookedforinmyfamilyhadoccurred。Whatthenwouldhavebeenmycourse?Ihardlyknow;butwhateverIshouldthenhavedone,whymayInotdonow?HowmanyarethereinParis,whohaveneithermytalents,northenaturaladvantagesI
possess,andwho,notwithstanding,owetheirsupporttotheexerciseoftheirtalents,suchastheyare?
\"`HasnotProvidence,’Iadded,whilereflectingonthedifferentconditionsoflife,`arrangedthingswisely?’Thegreaternumberofthepowerfulandthericharefools。Noonewhoknowsanythingoftheworldcandoubtthat。Howadmirableisthecompensatingjusticethereof!Ifwealthbroughtwithittalentalso,therichwouldbetoohappy,andothermentoowretched。Totheselatteraregivenpersonaladvantagesandgenius,tohelpthemoutofmiseryandwant。Someofthemsharetherichesofthewealthybyadministeringtotheirpleasures,orbymakingthemtheirdupes;othersaffordtheminstruction,andendeavourtomakethemdecentmembersofsociety;tobesure,theydonotalwayssucceed;butthatwasprobablynottheintentionofthedivinewisdom。Ineverycasetheyderiveabenefitfromtheirlaboursbylivingattheexpenseoftheirpupils;and,inwhateverpointofviewitisconsidered,thefolliesoftherichareabountifulsourceofrevenuetothehumblerclasses。
\"Thesethoughtsrestoredmealittletomyspiritsandtomyreason。IdeterminedfirsttoconsultM。Lescaut,thebrotherofManon。HeknewParisperfectly;andIhadtoomanyopportunitiesoflearningthatitwasneitherfromhisownestates,norfromtheking’spay,thathederivedtheprincipalportionofhisincome。Ihadaboutthirty-threecrownsleft,whichI
fortunatelyhappenedtohaveaboutme。Ishowedhimmypurse,andexplainedtohimmymisfortuneandmyfears,andthenaskedhimwhetherIhadanyalternativebetweenstarvationandblowingoutmybrainsindespair。Hecoollyrepliedthatsuicidewastheresourceoffools。Astodyingofwant,therewerehundredsofmenofgeniuswhofoundthemselvesreducedtothatstatewhentheywouldnotemploytheirtalents;thatitwasformyselftodiscoverwhatIwascapableofdoing,andhetoldmetoreckonuponhisassistanceandhisadviceinanyenterpriseImightundertake。
\"`Vagueenough,M。Lescaut!’saidItohim:`mywantsdemandamorespeedyremedy;forwhatamItosaytoManon?’`AproposofManon,’repliedhe,`whatisitthatannoysyouabouther?
Cannotyoualwaysfindinherwherewithaltomeetyourwants,whenyouwishit?Suchapersonoughttosupportusall,youandmeaswellasherself。’HecutshorttheanswerwhichIwasabouttogivetosuchunfeelingandbrutalimpertinence,bygoingontosay,thatbeforenighthewouldensuremeathousandcrownstodividebetweenus,ifIwouldonlyfollowhisadvice;thathewasacquaintedwithanobleman,whowassoliberalinaffairsofthekind,thathewascertainhewouldnothesitateforamomenttogivethesumnamedforthefavoursofsuchagirlasManon。
\"Istoppedhim。`Ihadabetteropinionofyou,’saidI;`Ihadimaginedthatyourmotiveforbestowingyourfriendshipuponmewasverydifferentindeedfromtheoneyounowbetray。’Withthegreatesteffronteryheacknowledgedthathehadbeenalwaysofthesamemind,andthathissisterhavingoncesacrificedhervirtue,thoughitmightbetothemanshemostloved,hewouldneverhaveconsentedtoareconciliationwithher,butwiththehopeofderivingsomeadvantagefromherpastmisconduct。
\"Itwaseasytoseethatwehadbeenhithertohisdupes。
Notwithstandingthedisgustwithwhichhispropositioninspiredme,still,asIfeltthatIhadoccasionforhisservices,I
said,withapparentcomplacency,thatweoughtonlytoentertainsuchaplanasalastresource。Ibeggedofhimtosuggestsomeother。
\"Heproposedtometoturnmyyouthandthegoodlooksnaturehadbestoweduponmetosomeaccount,byestablishingaliaisonwithsomegenerousolddame。Thiswasjustaslittletomytaste,foritwouldnecessarilyhaverenderedmeunfaithfultoManon。
\"Imentionedplayastheeasiestscheme,andthemostsuitabletomypresentsituation。Headmittedthatplaycertainlywasaresource,butthatitwasnecessarytoconsiderthepointwell。
`Mereplay,’saidhe,`withitsordinarychances,isthecertainroadtoruin;andasforattempting,aloneandwithoutanally,toemploythelittlemeansanadroitmanhasforcorrectingthevagariesofluck,itwouldbetoodangerousanexperiment。’
Therewas,hestated,athirdcourse,whichwastoenterintowhathecalledapartnership;buthefearedhisconfederateswouldconsidermyyouthanobjectiontomyadmittance。He,however,promisedtousehisinfluencewiththem;and,whatwasmorethanIexpectedathishands,hesaidthathewouldsupplymewithalittlemoneywheneverIhadpressingoccasionforany。
TheonlyfavourIthenaskedofhimwastosaynothingtoManonofthelossIhadexperienced,norofthesubjectofourconversation。
\"IcertainlyderivedlittlecomfortfrommyvisittoLescaut;I
feltevensorryforhavingconfidedmysecrettohim:notasinglethinghadhedoneformethatImightnotjustaswellhavedoneformyself,withouttroublinghim;andIcouldnothelpdreadingthathewouldviolatehispromisetokeepthesecretfromManon。Ihadalsoreasontoapprehend,fromhislateavowals,thathemightformthedesignofmakinguseofherforhisownvilepurposes,oratleastofadvisinghertoquitmeforsomehappierandmorewealthylover。Thisideabroughtinitstrainathousandreflections,whichhadnoothereffectthantotormentme,andthrowmeagainintothestateofdespairinwhichIhadpassedthemorning。Itoccurredtome,morethanonce,towritetomyfather;andtopretendanewreformation,inordertoobtainsomepecuniaryassistancefromhim;butIcouldnotforgetthat,notwithstandingallhisnaturalloveandaffectionforme,hehadshutmeupforsixmonthsinaconfinedroomformyfirsttransgression;andIwascertainthat,afterthescandaloussensationcausedbymyflightfromSt。Sulpice,hewouldbesuretotreatmewithinfinitelymorerigournow。
\"Atlength,outofthischaosoffanciescameanideathatallatoncerestoredeasetomymind,andwhichIwassurprisedatnothavinghituponsooner;thiswas,togoagaintomyfriendTiberge,inwhomImightbealwayssureoffindingthesameunfailingzealandfriendship。Thereisnothingmoreglorious——nothingthatdoesmorehonourtotruevirtue,thantheconfidencewithwhichoneapproachesafriendoftriedintegrity;
noapprehension,noriskofunkindrepulse:ifitbenotalwaysinhispowertoaffordtherequiredsuccour,oneissureatleastofmeetingkindnessandcompassion。Theheartofthepoorsupplicant,whichremainsimpenetrablyclosedtotherestoftheworld,opensinhispresence,asaflowerexpandsbeforetheorbofday,fromwhichitinstinctivelyknowsitcanderiveacheeringandbenigninfluenceonly。
\"IconsideritablessingtohavethoughtsoaproposofTiberge,andresolvedtotakemeasurestofindhimbeforeevening。I
returnedatoncetomylodgingstowritehimaline,andfixaconvenientplaceforourmeeting。Irequestedsecrecyanddiscretion,asthemostimportantservicehecouldrendermeunderpresentcircumstances。
\"ThepleasureIderivedfromtheprospectofseeingTibergedissipatedeverytraceofmelancholy,whichManonwouldnothavefailedotherwisetodetectinmycountenance。IdescribedourmisfortuneatChaillotasatriflewhichoughtnottoannoyher;
andParisbeingthespotshelikedbestintheworld,shewasnotsorrytohearmesaythatitwouldbenecessaryforustoremainthereentirely,untilthelittledamagewasrepairedwhichhadbeencausedbythefireatChaillot。
\"InanhourIreceivedananswerfromTiberge,whopromisedtobeattheappointedrendezvous。Iwenttherepunctually。I
certainlyfeltsomeshameatencounteringafriendwhosepresencealoneoughttobeareproachtomyiniquities;butIwassupportedbytheopinionIhadofthegoodnessofhisheart,aswellasbymyanxietyaboutManon。
\"IhadbeggedofhimtomeetmeinthegardenofthePalaisRoyal。Hewastherebeforeme。Hehastenedtowardsme,themomenthesawmeapproachandshookmewarmlybybothhands。I
saidthatIcouldnothelpfeelingperfectlyashamedtomeethim,andthatIwasweigheddownbyasenseofmyingratitude;thatthefirstthingIimploredofhimwastotellmewhetherImightstillconsiderhimmyfriend,afterhavingsojustlyincurredthelossofhisesteemandaffection。Hereplied,inthekindestpossiblemanner,thatitwasnotinthenatureofthingstodestroyhisregardforme;thatmymisfortuneseven,or,ifhemightsocallthem,myfaultsandtransgressions,hadbutincreasedtheinteresthefeltforme;butthathemustconfesshisaffectionwasnotunalloyedbyasentimentoftheliveliestsorrow,suchasapersonmaybesupposedtofeelatseeingabelovedobjectonthebrinkofruin,andbeyondthereachofhisassistance。
\"Wesatdownuponabench。`Alas!’saidIwithadeepsigh,`yourcompassionmustbeindeedgreat,mydearTiberge,ifyouassuremeitisequaltomysufferings。Iamalmostashamedtorecountthem,forIconfesstheyhavebeenbroughtonbynoverycreditablecourseofconduct:theresults,however,aresotrulymelancholy,thatafriendevenlessattachedthanyouwouldbeaffectedbytherecital。’
\"Hethenbeggedofme,inproofoffriendship,tolethimknow,withoutanydisguise,allthathadoccurredtomesincemydeparturefromSt。Sulpice。Igratifiedhim;andsofarfromconcealinganything,orattemptingtoextenuatemyfaults,I
spokeofmypassionwithalltheardourwithwhichitstillinspiredme。Irepresentedittohimasoneofthoseespecialvisitationsoffate,whichdrawonthedevotedvictimtohisruin,andwhichitisasimpossibleforvirtueitselftoresist,asforhumanwisdomtoforesee。Ipaintedtohiminthemostvividcolours,myexcitement,myfears,thestateofdespairinwhichIhadbeentwohoursbeforeIsawhim,andintowhichI
shouldbeagainplunged,ifIfoundmyfriendsasrelentlessasfatehadbeen。IatlengthmadesuchanimpressionuponpoorTiberge,thatIsawhewasasmuchaffectedbycompassion,asI
bytherecollectionofmysufferings。
\"Hetookmyhand,andexhortedmetohavecourageandbecomforted;but,asheseemedtoconsideritsettledthatManonandIweretoseparate,IgavehimatoncetounderstandthatitwasthatveryseparationIconsideredasthemostintolerableofallmymisfortunes;andthatIwasreadytoendurenotonlythelastdegreeofmisery,butdeathitself,ofthecruellestkind,ratherthanseekreliefinaremedyworsethanthewholeaccumulationofmywoes。
\"`Explainyourself,then,’saidhetome;`whatassistancecanIaffordyou,ifyourejecteverythingIpropose?’IhadnotcouragetotellhimthatitwasfromhispurseIwantedrelief。
He,however,comprehendeditintheend;andacknowledgingthathebelievedhenowunderstoodme,heremainedforamomentinanattitudeofthought,withtheairofapersonrevolvingsomethinginhismind。`Donotimagine,’hepresentlysaid,`thatmyhesitationarisesfromanydiminutionofmyzealandfriendship;
buttowhatanalternativedoyounowreduceme,sinceImusteitherrefuseyoutheassistanceyouask,orviolatemymostsacreddutyinaffordingit!Forisitnotparticipatinginyoursintofurnishyouwiththemeansofcontinuingitsindulgence?’
\"`However,’continuedhe,afteramoment’sthought,`itisperhapstheexcitedstateintowhichwanthasthrownyou,thatdeniesyounowthelibertyofchoosingtheproperpath。Man’smindmustbeatrest,toknowtheluxuryofwisdomandvirtue。I
canaffordtoletyouhavesomemoney;andpermitme,mydearchevalier,toimposebutonecondition;thatis,thatyouletmeknowtheplaceofyourabode,andallowmetheopportunityofusingmyexertionstoreclaimyou。Iknowthatthereisinyourheartaloveofvirtue,andthatyouhavebeenonlyledastraybytheviolenceofyourpassions。’
\"I,ofcourse,agreedtoeverythingheasked,andonlybeggedofhimtodeplorethemaligndestinywhichrenderedmecalloustothecounselsofsovirtuousafriend。Hethentookmetoabankerofhisacquaintance,whogaveonehundredandseventycrownsforhisnoteofhand,whichwastakenascash。Ihavealreadysaidthathewasnotrich。Hislivingwasworthaboutsixthousandfrancsayear,butasthiswasthefirstyearsincehisinduction,hehadasyettouchednoneofthereceipts,anditwasoutofthefutureincomethathemademethisadvance。
\"Ifeltthefullforceofhisgenerosity,eventosuchadegreeasalmosttodeplorethefatalpassionwhichthusledmetobreakthroughalltherestraintsofduty。Virtuehadforamomenttheascendancyinmyheart,andmademesensibleofmyshameanddegradation。Butthiswassoonover。ForManonIcouldhavegivenupmyhopesofheaven,andwhenIagainfoundmyselfatherside,IwonderedhowIcouldforaninstanthaveconsideredmyselfdegradedbymypassionforthisenchantinggirl。
\"Manonwasacreatureofmostextraordinarydisposition。Neverhadmortalagreatercontemptformoney,andyetshewashauntedbyperpetualdreadofwantingit。Heronlydesirewasforpleasureandamusement。Shewouldneverhavewishedtopossessasou,ifpleasurecouldbeprocuredwithoutmoney。Sheneverevencaredwhatourpursecontained,providedshecouldpassthedayagreeably;sothat,beingneitherfondofplaynoratalldazzledbythedesireofgreatwealth,nothingwasmoreeasythantosatisfyher,bydailyfindingoutamusementssuitedtohermoderatewishes。Butitbecamebyhabitathingsoabsolutelynecessaryforhertohavehermindthusoccupied,that,withoutit,itwasimpossibletoexercisethesmallestinfluenceoverhertemperorinclinations。Althoughshelovedmetenderly,andI
wastheonlyperson,assheoftendeclared,inwhosesocietyshecouldeverfindthepureenjoymentsoflove,yetIfeltthoroughlyconvincedthatherattachmentcouldnotwithstandcertainapprehensions。Shewouldhavepreferredme,evenwithamoderatefortune,tothewholeworld;butIhadnokindofdoubtthatshewould,ontheotherhand,abandonmeforsomenewM。deB————,whenIhadnothingmoretoofferherthanfidelityandlove。
\"Iresolvedthereforesotocurtailmyownindividualexpenses,astobeablealwaystomeethers,andrathertodeprivemyselfofathousandnecessariesthaneventolimitherextravagance。
Thecarriagemadememoreuneasythananythingelse,forIsawnochanceofbeingabletomaintaineithercoachmanorhorses。
\"ItoldM。Lescautofmydifficulties,anddidnotconcealfromhimthatIhadreceivedathousandfrancsfromafriend。Herepeated,thatifIwishedtotrythechancesofthegaming-table,hewasnotwithouthopesthat,byspendingafewcrownsinentertaininghisassociates,Imightbe,onhisrecommendation,admittedintotheassociation。Withallmyrepugnancetocheating,Iyieldedtodirenecessity。
\"Lescautpresentedmethatnightasarelationofhisown。Headded,thatIwasthemorelikelytosucceedinmynewprofession,fromwantingthefavoursoffortune。However,toshowthemthatIwasnotquitereducedtothelowestebb,hesaiditwasmyintentiontotreatthemwithasupper。Theofferwasaccepted,andIentertainedthemenprince。Theytalkedagooddealaboutmyfashionableappearanceandtheapparentamiabilityofmydisposition;theysaidthatthebesthopesmightbeentertainedofme,becausetherewassomethinginmycountenancethatbespokethegentleman,andnoonethereforecouldhaveasuspicionofmyhonesty:theyvotedthankstoLescautforhavingintroducedsopromisinganovice,anddeputedoneofthememberstoinstructmeforsomedaysinthenecessarymanoeuvres。
\"TheprincipalsceneofmyexploitswasthehotelofTransylvania,wheretherewasafarotableinoneroom,andothergamesofcardsanddiceinthegallery。ThisacademywaskeptbythePrinceofR————,whothenlivedatClagny,andmostofhisofficersbelongedtooursociety。ShallImentionittomyshame?Iprofitedquicklybymyinstructor’stuition。I
acquiredanamazingfacilityinsleightofhandtricks,andlearnedinperfectiontosauterlecoup;withthehelpofapairoflongruffles,Ishuffledsoadroitlyastodefythequickestobserver,andIruinedseveralfairplayers。Myunrivalledskillsoquickenedtheprogressofmyfortunes,thatIfoundmyselfmaster,inafewweeks,ofveryconsiderablesums,besideswhatI
dividedingoodfaithwithmycompanions。
\"IhadnolongeranyfearofcommunicatingtoManontheextentofourlossatChaillot,and,toconsoleherontheannouncementofsuchdisastrousnews,Itookafurnishedhouse,whereweestablishedourselvesinalltheprideofopulenceandsecurity。
\"Tibergewasinthehabit,atthisperiod,ofpayingmefrequentvisits。Hewasnevertiredofhismorallectures。OverandoveragaindidherepresenttometheinjuryIwasinflictinguponmyconscience,myhonour,andmyfortune。Ireceivedallhisadvicekindly,andalthoughIhadnotthesmallestinclinationtoadoptit,Ihadnodoubtofitssincerity,forIknewitssource。
SometimesIralliedhimgood-humouredly,andentreatedhimnottobemoretight-lacedthansomeotherpriestswere,andevenbishops,whobynomeansconsideredamistressincompatiblewithagoodandholylife。’`Look,’Isaid,atManon’seyes,andtellmeifthereisoneinthelongcatalogueofsinsthatmightnottherefindapleaofjustification。’Heborethesesalliespatiently,andcarriedhisforbearancealmosttoofar:butwhenhesawmyfundsincrease,andthatIhadnotonlyreturnedhimthehundredandseventycrowns,buthavinghiredanewhouseandtrebledmyexpenses,Ihadplungeddeeperthaneverintoalifeofpleasure,hechangedhistoneandmannertowardsme。Helamentedmyobduracy。HewarnedmeagainstthechastisementoftheDivinewrath,andpredictedsomeofthemiserieswithwhichindeedIwasshortlyafterwardsvisited。`Itisimpossible,’hesaid,`thatthemoneywhichnowservestosupportyourdebaucheriescanhavebeenacquiredhonourably。Youhavecomebyitunjustly,andinthesamewayshallitbetakenfromyou。ThemostawfulpunishmentHeavencouldinflictwouldbetoallowyoutheundisturbedenjoymentofit。Allmyadvice,’headded,`hasbeenuseless;Itooplainlyperceivethatitwillshortlybecometroublesometoyou。Inowtakemyleave;youareaweak,aswellasanungratefulfriend!Mayyourcriminalenjoymentsvanishasashadow!mayyourill-gottenwealthleaveyouwithoutaresource;andmayyouyourselfremainaloneanddeserted,tolearnthevanityofthesethings,whichnowdivertyoufrombetterpursuits!Whenthattimearrives,youwillfindmedisposedtoloveandtoserveyou;thisdayendsourintercourse,andIonceforallavowmyhorrorofthelifeyouareleading。’
\"ItwasinmyroomandinManon’spresencethathedeliveredthisapostolicalharangue。Herosetodepart。Iwasabouttodetainhim;butwaspreventedbyManon,whosaiditwasbettertoletthemadmango。
\"Whathesaid,however,didnotfailtomakesomeimpressionuponme。InoticethesebriefpassagesofmylifewhenI
experiencedareturningsentimentofvirtue,becauseitwastothosetraces,howeverlight,thatIwasafterwardsindebtedforwhateveroffortitudeIdisplayedunderthemosttryingcircumstances。
\"Manon’scaressessoondissipatedtheannoyancethisscenehadcausedme。Wecontinuedtoleadalifeentirelydevotedtopleasureandlove。Theincreaseofourwealthonlyredoubledouraffection。TherenonehappieramongallthedevoteesofVenusandFortune。Heavens!whycallthisaworldofmisery,whenitcanfurnishalifeofsuchrapturousenjoyment?Butalas,itistoosoonover!Forwhatoughtmantosigh,couldsuchfelicitybutlastforever?Ourssharedthecommonfate——inbeingofshortduration,andfollowedbylastingregrets。
\"Ihadrealisedbyplaysuchaconsiderablesumofmoney,thatI
thoughtofinvestingaportionofit。Myservantswerenotignorantofmygoodluck,particularlymyvaletandManon’sownmaid,beforewhomweoftentalkedwithoutanyreserve。Themaidwashandsome,andmyvaletinlovewithher。Theyknewtheyhadtodealwithayoungandinexperiencedcouple,whomtheyfanciedtheycouldimposeuponwithoutmuchdifficulty。Theylaidaplan,andexecuteditwithsomuchskill,thattheyreducedustoastatefromwhichitwasneverafterwardspossibleforustoextricateourselves。
\"HavingsuppedoneeveningatLescaut’s,itwasaboutmidnightwhenwereturnedhome。Iaskedformyvalet,andManonforhermaid;neitheronenortheothercouldbefound。Theyhadnotbeenseeninthehousesinceeighto’clock,andhadgoneout,afterhavingsomecasescarriedbeforethem,accordingtoorderswhichtheypretendedtohavereceivedfromme。Iatonceforesawapartofthetruth,butmysuspicionswereinfinitelysurpassedbywhatpresenteditselfongoingintomyroom。Thelockofmyclosethadbeenforced,andmycashaswellasmybestclothesweregone。WhileIstoodstupefiedwithamazement,Manoncame,inthegreatestalarm,toinformmethatherapartmenthadbeenrifledinthesamemanner。
\"Thisblowwassoperfectlyastounding,socruel,thatitwaswithdifficultyIcouldrefrainfromtears。ThedreadofinfectingManonwithmydespairmademeassumeamorecontentedair。Isaid,smiling,thatIshouldavengemyselfuponsomeunhappydupeatthehotelofTransylvania。However,sheappearedsosensiblyaffected,thathergriefincreasedmysorrowinfinitelymorethanmyattemptsucceededinsupportingherspirits。`Wearedestroyed!’saidshe,withtearsinhereyes。
Iendeavoured,invain,bymyentreatiesandcaresses,toconsoleher。Myownlamentationsbetrayedmydistressanddespair。Infact,weweresocompletelyruined,thatwewerebereftalmostofdecentcovering。
\"IdeterminedtosendoffatonceforLescaut。Headvisedmetogoimmediatelytothelieutenantofpolice,andtogiveinformationalsototheGrandProvostofParis。Iwent,butitwastoaddtomycalamitiesonly;for,independentlyofmyvisitproducingnotthesmallestgoodeffect,I,bymyabsence,allowedLescauttimefordiscussionwithhissister,duringwhichhedidnotfailtoinspireherwiththemosthorribleresolutions。HespoketoheraboutM。G————M————,anoldvoluptuary,whopaidprodigallyforhispleasures;hesoglowinglydescribedtheadvantagesofsuchaconnection,thatsheenteredintoallhisplans。Thisdiscreditablearrangementwasallconcludedbeforemyreturn,andtheexecutionofitonlypostponedtillthenextmorning,afterLescautshouldhaveapprisedG————M————。
\"Ifoundhim,onmyreturn,waitingformeatmyhouse;butManonhadretiredtoherownapartment,andshehaddesiredthefootmantotellmethat,havingneedofrepose,shehopedsheshouldnotbedisturbedthatnight。Lescautleftme,afterofferingmeafewcrownswhichIaccepted。
\"Itwasnearlyfouro’clockwhenIretiredtobed;andhavingrevolvedinmymindvariousschemesforretrievingmyfortunes,I
fellasleepsolatethatIdidnotawaketillbetweenelevenandtwelveo’clock。IroseatoncetoenquireafterManon’shealth;
theytoldmethatshehadgoneoutanhourbeforewithherbrother,whohadcomeforherinahiredcarriage。Althoughthereappearedsomethingmysteriousinsuchaproceeding,I
endeavouredtocheckmyrisingsuspicions。Iallowedsomehourstopass,duringwhichIamusedmyselfwithreading。Atlength,beingunableanylongertostiflemyuneasiness,Ipacedupanddowntheapartments。AsealedletteruponManon’stableatlastcaughtmyeye。Itwasaddressedtome,andinherhandwriting。
IfeltmybloodfreezeasIopenedit;itwasinthesewords:
Iprotesttoyou,dearestchevalier,thatyouaretheidolofmyheart,andthatyouaretheonlybeingonearthwhomIcantrulylove;butdoyounotsee,myownpoordearchevalier,thatinthesituationtowhichwearenowreduced,fidelitywouldbeworsethanmadness?Doyouthinktendernesspossiblycompatiblewithstarvation?Formypart,hungerwouldbesuretodrivemetosomefatalend。Heavingsomedayasighforlove,Ishouldfinditwasmylast。Iadoreyou,relyuponthat;butleavetome,forashortwhile,themanagementofourfortunes。Godhelpthemanwhofallsintomyhands。Myonlywishistorendermychevalierrichandhappy。Mybrotherwilltellyouaboutme;hecanvouchformygriefinyieldingtothenecessityofpartingfromyou。
\"Iremained,afterreadingthis,inastatewhichitwouldbedifficulttodescribe;forevennowIknownotthenatureofthefeelingswhichthenagitatedme。Itwasoneofthoseuniquesituationsofwhichotherscanneverhaveexperiencedanythingevenapproachingtosimilarity。Itisimpossibletoexplainit,becauseotherpersonscanhavenoideaofitsnature;andonecanhardlyevenanalyseittooneself。Memoryfurnishesnothingthatwillconnectitwiththepast,andthereforeordinarylanguageisinadequatetodescribeit。Whateverwasitsnature,however,itiscertainthatgrief,hate,jealousy,andshameenteredintoitscomposition。Fortunatewouldithaveprovedformeiflovealsohadnotbeenacomponentpart!
\"`Thatshelovesme,’Iexclaimed,`Icanbelieve;butcouldshe,withoutbeingamonster,hateme?Whatrightcanmaneverhavetowoman’saffectionswhichIhadnottoManon’s?Whatislefttome,afterallthesacrificesIhavemadeforhersake?
Yetsheabandonsme,andtheungratefulcreaturethinkstoscreenherselffrommyreproachesbyprofessionsoflove!Shepretendstodreadstarvation!Godoflove,whatgrossnessofsentiment!
Whatananswertotherefinementofmyadoration!Ihadnodreadofthatkind;I,whohavealmostsoughtstarvationforhersake,byrenouncingfortuneandthecomfortsofmyfather’shouse!I,whodeniedmyselfactualnecessaries,inordertogratifyherlittlewhimsandcaprices!Sheadoresme,shesays。Ifyouadoredme,ungratefulcreature,Iwellknowwhatcourseyouwouldhavetaken;youwouldneverhavequittedme,atleastwithoutsayingadieu。ItisonlyIwhocantellthepangsandtorments,ofbeingseparatedfromalloneloves。Imusthavetakenleaveofmysenses,tohavevoluntarilybroughtallthismiseryuponmyself。’
\"MylamentationswereinterruptedbyavisitIlittleexpected;
itwasfromLescaut。`Assassin!’criedI,puttingmyhanduponmysword,`whereisManon?whathaveyoudonewithher?’Myagitationstartledhim。Hereplied,thatifthiswasthereceptionhewastomeet,whenhecametooffermethemostessentialserviceitwasinhispowertorenderme,heshouldtakehisleave,andneveragaincrossmythreshold。Irantothedooroftheapartment,whichIshut。`Donotimagine,’Isaid,turningtowardshim,`thatyoucanoncemoremakeadupeofmewithyourliesandinventions。Eitherdefendyourlife,ortellmewhereIcanfindManon。’`Howimpatientyouare!’repliedhe;
`thatwasinrealitytheobjectofmyvisit。Icametoannounceapieceofgoodfortunewhichyoulittleexpected,andforwhichyouwillprobablyfeelsomewhatgrateful。’Mycuriositywasatonceexcited。