Thepointis，wasIdrunkenoughnottobemorallyresponsibleformyproposal？OrwasIsoberenoughtobeboundtorepeatitnowthatIamundoubtedlysober？
LARRY。Ishouldseealittlemoreofherbeforedeciding。
BROADBENT。No，no。Thatwouldnotberight。Thatwouldnotbefair。IameitherunderamoralobligationorIamnot。IwishI
knewhowdrunkIwas。
LARRY。Well，youwereevidentlyinastateofblitheringsentimentality，anyhow。
BROADBENT。Thatistrue，Larry：Iadmitit。Hervoicehasamostextraordinaryeffectonme。ThatIrishvoice！
LARRY[sympathetically]。Yes，Iknow。WhenIfirstwenttoLondonIverynearlyproposedtowalkoutwithawaitressinanAeratedBreadshopbecauseherWhitechapelaccentwassodistinguished，soquaintlytouching，sopretty——
BROADBENT[angrily]。MissReillyisnotawaitress，isshe？
LARRY。Oh，come！Thewaitresswasaverynicegirl。
BROADBENT。YouthinkeveryEnglishwomananangel。Youreallyhavecoarsetastesinthatway，Larry。MissReillyisoneofthefinertypes：atyperareinEngland，exceptperhapsinthebestofthearistocracy。
LARRY。Aristocracybeblowed！DoyouknowwhatNoraeats？
BROADBENT。Eats！whatdoyoumean？
LARRY。Breakfast：teaandbread-and-butter，withanoccasionalrasher，andaneggonspecialoccasions：sayonherbirthday。
Dinnerinthemiddleoftheday，onecourseandnothingelse。Intheevening，teaandbread-and-butteragain。YoucompareherwithyourEnglishwomenwhowolfdownfromthreetofivemeatmealsaday;andnaturallyyoufindherasylph。Thedifferenceisnotadifferenceoftype：it’sthedifferencebetweenthewomanwhoeatsnotwiselybuttoowell，andthewomanwhoeatsnotwiselybuttoolittle。
BROADBENT[furious]。Larry：you——you——youdisgustme。Youareadamnedfool。[Hesitsdownangrilyontherusticseat，whichsustainstheshockwithdifficulty]。
LARRY。Steady！stead-eee！[Helaughsandseatshimselfonthetable]。
CorneliusDoyle，FatherDempsey，BarneyDoran，andMatthewHaffigancomefromthehouse。Doranisastoutbodied，shortarmed，roundheaded，red-hairedmanonthevergeofmiddleage，ofsanguinetemperament，withanenormouscapacityforderisive，obscene，blasphemous，ormerelycruelandsenselessfun，andaviolentandimpetuousintoleranceofothertemperamentsandotheropinions，allthisrepresentingenergyandcapacitywastedanddemoralizedbywantofsufficienttrainingandsocialpressuretoforceitintobeneficentactivityandbuildacharacterwithit;
forBarneyisbynomeanseitherstupidorweak。Heisrecklesslyuntidyastohisperson;buttheworsteffectsofhisneglectaremitigatedbyapowderingofflourandmilldust;andhisunbrushedclothes，madeofafashionabletailor’ssackcloth，wereevidentlychosenregardlessofexpenseforthesakeoftheirappearance。
MatthewHaffigan，illatease，coaststhegardenshylyontheshrubberysideuntilheanchorsnearthebasket，wherehefeelsleastintheway。ThepriestcomestothetableandslapsLarryontheshoulder。Larry，turningquickly，andrecognizingFatherDempsey，alightsfromthetableandshakesthepriest’shandwarmly。DorancomesdownthegardenbetweenFatherDempseyandMatt;andCornelius，ontheothersideofthetable，turnstoBroadbent，whorisesgenially。
CORNELIUS。Ithinkweallmetlasnight。
DORAN。Ihadn’tthatpleasure。
CORNELIUS。Tobesure，Barney：Iforgot。[ToBroadbent，introducingBarney]MrDoran。Heownsthatfinemillyounoticedfromthecar。
BROADBENT[delightedwiththemall]。Mosthappy，MrDoran。Verypleasedindeed。
Doran，notquitesurewhetherheisbeingcourtedorpatronized，nodsindependently。
DORAN。How’syourself，Larry？
LARRY。Finely，thankyou。Noneedtoaskyou。[Dorangrins;andtheyshakehands]。
CORNELIUS。GiveFatherDempseyachair，Larry。
MatthewHaffiganrunstothenearestendofthetableandtakesthechairfromit，placingitnearthebasket;butLarryhasalreadytakenthechairfromtheotherendandplaceditinfrontofthetable。FatherDempseyacceptsthatmorecentralposition。
CORNELIUS。Sitdown，Barney，willyou;andyou，Mat。
DorantakesthechairMatisstillofferingtothepriest;andpoorMatthew，outfacedbythemiller，humblyturnsthebasketupsidedownandsitsonit。CorneliusbringshisownbreakfastchairfromthetableandsitsdownonFatherDempsey’sright。
Broadbentresumeshisseatontherusticbench。LarrycrossestothebenchandisabouttositdownbesidehimwhenBroadbentholdshimoffnervously。
BROADBENT。Doyouthinkitwillbeartwo，Larry？
LARRY。Perhapsnot。Don’tmove。I’llstand。[Hepostshimselfbehindthebench]。
Theyareallnowseated，exceptLarry;andthesessionassumesaportentousair，asifsomethingimportantwerecoming。
CORNELIUS。Propsyou’llexplain，FatherDempsey。
FATHERDEMPSEY。No，no：goon，you：theChurchhasnopolitics。
CORNELIUS。Wereyeverthinkinogoinintoparliamentatall，Larry？
LARRY。Me！
FATHERDEMPSEY[encouragingly]Yes，you。Hwynot？
LARRY。I’mafraidmyideaswouldnotbepopularenough。
CORNELIUS。Idon’tknowthat。Doyou，Barney？
DORAN。There’stoomuchblatherumskiteinIrishpoliticsadaletoomuch。
LARRY。Butwhataboutyourpresentmember？Ishegoingtoretire？
CORNELIUS。No：Idon’tknowthatheis。
LARRY[interrogatively]。Well？then？
MATTHEW[breakingoutwithsurlybitterness]。We’vehadenoughofhisfoolishtalkagenlanlords。Hwatcallhashetotalkaboutthelan，thatneverwasoutsideofacityofficeinhislife？
CORNELIUS。We’retiredofhim。Hedoesn’tknowhweretostop。
Everymancan’townland;andsomemenmustownittoemploythem。ItwasallverywellwhensolidmenlikeDoranandmeandMatwerekepfromowninland。ButhwatmaninhissenseseverwantedtogivelandtoPatsyFarrllandhelikeohim？
BROADBENT。ButsurelyIrishlandlordismwasaccountableforwhatMrHaffigansuffered。
MATTHEW。NevermindhwatIsuffered。IknowwhatIsufferedadhoutyoutellinme。ButdidIeveraskformoredhanthefarmI
madewidmeownhans：tellmethat，CornyDoyle，andyouthatknows。WasIfitfortheresponsibilityorwasInot？[SnarlingangrilyatCornelius]AmItobecomparedtoPatsyFarrll，thatdoesn’tharlyknowhisrighthandfromhisleft？Whatdidheeversuffer，I’dliketoknow？
CORNELIUS。That’sjustwhatIsay。Iwasn’tcomparinyoutoyourdisadvantage。
MATTHEW[implacable]。Thenhwatdidyoumanebetalkinaboutgivinhimlan？
DORAN。Aisy，Mat，aisy。You’relikeabearwithasoreback。
MATTHEW[tremblingwithrage]。Anwhoareyou，tooffertotaitchmemanners？
FATHERDEMPSEY[admonitorily]。Now，now，now，Matnoneodhat。
HowoftenhaveItoldyouyou’retooreadytotakeoffencewherenoneismeant？Youdon’tunderstand：CornyDoyleissayingjustwhatyouwanttohavesaid。[ToCornelius]Goon，MrDoyle;andnevermindhim。
MATTHEW[rising]。Well，ifmelanistobegiventoPatsyandhislike，I’mgoinouradhis。I——
DORAN[withviolentimpatience]Arrawho’sgointogiveyourlantoPatsy，yowlfoolye？
FATHERDEMPSEY。Aisy，Barney，aisy。[Sternly，toMat]Itoldyou，MatthewHaffigan，thatCornyDoylewassayinnothinagainstyou。
I’msorryyourpriest’swordisnotgoodenoughforyou。I’llgo，soonerthanstaytomakeyoucommitasinagainsttheChurch。
Goodmorning，gentlemen。[Herises。Theyallrise，exceptBroadbent]。
DORAN[toMat]。There！Sarveyoudamwellright，youcantankerousoulnoodle。
MATTHEW[appalled]。Don’tsaydhat，FadherDempsey。IneverhadathoughtagenyouortheHolyChurch。IknowI’mabithastywhenIthinkaboutthelan。Iaxyourpardnforit。
FATHERDEMPSEY[resuminghisseatwithdignifiedreserve]。Verywell：I’lloverlookitthistime。[Hesitsdown。Theotherssitdown，exceptMatthew。FatherDempsey，abouttoaskCornytoproceed，remembersMatthewandturnstohim，givinghimjustacrumbofgraciousness]。Sitdown，Mat。[Matthew，crushed，sitsdownindisgrace，andissilent，hiseyesshiftingpiteouslyfromonespeakertoanotherinanintenselymistrustfulefforttounderstandthem]。Goon，MrDoyle。Wecanmakeallowances。Goon。
CORNELIUS。Well，youseehowitis，Larry。Roundabouthere，we’vegotthelandatlast;andwewantnomoreGovermentmeddlin。Wewantanewclassomaninparliament：onedhatknowsdhatthefarmer’stherealbackboneothecountry，ndoesn’tcareasnapofhisfingersfortheshoutnotheriff-raffinthetowns，orforthefoolishnessofthelaborers。
DORAN。Aye;andhatcanaffordtoliveinLondonandpayhisownwayuntilHomeRulecomes，insteadowantinsubscriptionsandthelike。
FATHERDEMPSEY。Yes：that’sagoodpoint，Barney。Whentoomuchmoneygoestopolitics，it’stheChurchthathastostarveforit。AmemberofparliamentoughttobeahelptotheChurchinsteadofaburdenonit。
LARRY。Here’sachanceforyou，Tom。Whatdoyousay？
BROADBENT[deprecatory，butimportantandsmiling]。Oh，Ihavenoclaimwhatevertotheseat。Besides，I’maSaxon。
DORAN。Ahwat？
BROADBENT。ASaxon。AnEnglishman。
DORAN。AnEnglishman。BedadIneverhearditcalleddhatbefore。
MATTHEW[cunningly]。IfImightmakesobould，Fadher，Iwouldn’tsaybutanEnglishProdestnmightn’thaveamoreindepindentmindaboutthelan，anbelessafeerdtospakeoutaboutit，dhananIrishCatholic。
CORNELIUS。ButsureLarry’sasgoodasEnglish：aren’tyou，Larry？
LARRY。Youmayputmeoutofyourhead，father，onceforall。
CORNELIUS。Arrawhy？
LARRY。Ihavestrongopinionswhichwouldn’tsuityou。
DORAN[rallyinghimblatantly]。IsitstillLarrythebouldFenian？
LARRY。No：theboldFenianisnowanolderandpossiblyfoolisherman。
CORNELIUS。Hwatdoesitmattertoushwatyouropinionsare？Youknowthatyourfather’sboughthisfarm，justthesameasMatherenBarney’smill。Allweasknowistobeletalone。You’venothinagainstthat，haveyou？
LARRY。CertainlyIhave。Idon’tbelieveinlettinganybodyoranythingalone。
CORNELIUS[losinghistemper]。Arrawhatd’yemean，youyoungfool？HereI’vegotyoutheofferofagoodseatinparliament;nyouthinkyourselfmightysmarttostandthereandtalkfoolishnesstome。Willyoutakeitorleaveit？
LARRY。Verywell：I’lltakeitwithpleasureifyou’llgiveittome。
CORNELIUS[subsidingsulkily]。Well，whycouldn’tyousaysoatonce？It’sagoodjobyou’vemadeupyourmindatlast。
DORAN[suspiciously]。Stopabit，stopabit。
MATTHEW[writhingbetweenhisdissatisfactionandhisfearofthepriest]。It’snotbecausehe’syoursonthathe’stogetthesate。FadherDempsey：wouldn’tyouthinkwelltoaskhimwhathemanesaboutthelan？
LARRY[comingdownonMatpromptly]。I’lltellyou，Mat。Ialwaysthoughtitwasastupid，lazy，good-for-nothingsortofthingtoleavethelandinthehandsoftheoldlandlordswithoutcallingthemtoastrictaccountfortheusetheymadeofit，andtheconditionofthepeopleonit。IcouldseeformyselfthattheythoughtofnothingbutwhattheycouldgetoutofittospendinEngland;andthattheymortgagedandmortgageduntilhardlyoneofthemownedhisownpropertyorcouldhaveaffordedtokeepitupdecentlyifhe’dwantedto。ButItellyouplumpandplain，Mat，thatifanybodythinksthingswillbeanybetternowthatthelandishandedovertoalotoflittlemenlikeyou，withoutcallingyoutoaccounteither，they’remistaken。
MATTHEW[sullenly]。Whatcallhaveyoutolookdownonme？I
supposeyouthinkyou’reeverybodybecauseyourfatherwasalandagent。
LARRY。WhatcallhaveyoutolookdownonPatsyFarrell？I
supposeyouthinkyou’reeverybodybecauseyouownafewfields。
MATTHEW。WasPatsyFarrlleverillusedasIwasillused？tellmedhat。
LARRY。Hewillbe，ifeverhegetsintoyourpowerasyouwereinthepowerofyouroldlandlord。Doyouthink，becauseyou’repoorandignorantandhalf-crazywithtoilingandmoilingmorningnoonandnight，thatyou’llbeanylessgreedyandoppressivetothemthathavenolandatallthanoldNickLestrange，whowasaneducatedtravelledgentlemanthatwouldnothavebeentemptedashardbyahundredpoundsasyou’dbebyfiveshillings？NickwastoohighabovePatsyFarrelltobejealousofhim;butyou，thatareonlyonelittlestepabovehim，woulddiesoonerthanlethimcomeupthatstep;andwellyouknowit。
MATTHEW[blackwithrage，inalowgrowl]。Lemmeourathis。[Hetriestorise;butDorancatcheshiscoatanddragshimdownagain]I’mgoin，Isay。[Raisinghisvoice]Leggomecoat，BarneyDoran。
DORAN。Sitdown，yowlomadhaun，you。[Whispering]Don’tyouwanttostayanvoteagainsthim？
FATHERDEMPSEY[holdinguphisfinger]Mat！[Matsubsides]。Now，now，now！come，come！HwatsalldhisaboutPatsyFarrll？HwyneedyoufalloutaboutHIM？
LARRY。BecauseitwasbyusingPatsy’spovertytoundersellEnglandinthemarketsoftheworldthatwedroveEnglandtoruinIreland。Andshe’llruinusagainthemomentweliftourheadsfromthedustifwetradeincheaplabor;andserveusrighttoo！
IfIgetintoparliament，I’lltrytogetanActtopreventanyofyoufromgivingPatsylessthanapoundaweek[theyallstart，hardlyabletobelievetheirears]orworkinghimharderthanyou’dworkahorsethatcostyoufiftyguineas。
DORAN。Hwat！！！
CORNELIUS[aghast]。Apounda——Godsaveus！theboy’smad。
Matthew，feelingthathereissomethingquitebeyondhispowers，turnsopenmouthedtothepriest，asiflookingfornothinglessthanthesummaryexcommunicationofLarry。
LARRY。Howisthemantomarryandliveadecentlifeonless？
FATHERDEMPSEY。Manalive，hwerehaveyoubeenlivingalltheseyears？andhwathaveyoubeendreamingof？Why，someodhesehonestmenherecan’tmakethatmuchoutothelandforthemselves，muchlessgiveittoalaborer。
LARRY[nowthoroughlyroused]。Thenletthemmakeroomforthosewhocan。IsIrelandnevertohaveachance？Firstshewasgiventotherich;andnowthattheyhavegorgedonherflesh，herbonesaretobeflungtothepoor，thatcandonothingbutsuckthemarrowoutofher。Ifwecan’thavemenofhonorowntheland，letshavemenofability。Ifwecan’thavemenwithability，letusatleasthavemenwithcapital。Anybody’sbetterthanMat，whohasneitherhonor，norability，norcapital，noranythingbutmerebrutelaborandgreedinhim，Heavenhelphim！
DORAN。Well，we’renotallfoostherinouldoddhererslikeMat。
[Pleasantly，tothesubjectofthisdescription]Arewe，Mat？
LARRY。Formodernindustrialpurposesyoumightjustaswellbe，Barney。You’reallchildren：thebigworldthatIbelongtohasgonepastyouandleftyou。Anyhow，weIrishmenwerenevermadetobefarmers;andwe’llneverdoanygoodatit。We’reliketheJews：theAlmightygaveusbrains，andbidusfarmthem，andleavetheclayandthewormsalone。
FATHERDEMPSEY[withgentleirony]。Oh！isitJewsyouwanttomakeofus？Imustcatechizeyouabitmeself，Ithink。Thenextthingyou’llbeproposingistorepealthedisestablishmentoftheso-calledIrishChurch。
LARRY。Yes：whynot？[Sensation]。
MATTHEW[rancorously]。He’saturncoat。
LARRY。StPeter，therockonwhichourChurchwasbuilt，wascrucifiedheaddownwardsforbeingaturncoat。
FATHERDEMPSEY[withaquietauthoritativedignitywhichchecksDoran，whoisonthepointofbreakingout]。That’strue。Youholdyourtongueasbefitsyourignorance，MatthewHaffigan;andtrustyourpriesttodealwiththisyoungman。Now，LarryDoyle，whatevertheblessedStPeterwascrucifiedfor，itwasnotforbeingaProdestan。Areyouone？
LARRY。No。IamaCatholicintelligentenoughtoseethattheProtestantsarenevermoredangeroustousthanwhentheyarefreefromallallianceswiththeState。Theso-calledIrishChurchisstrongertodaythaneveritwas。
MATTHEW。FadherDempsey：willyoutellhimdhatmemother’santwasshotandkiltdeadinthesthreetoRosscullenbeasoljerinthetithewar？[Frantically]Hewantstoputthetithesonusagain。He——
LARRY[interruptinghimwithoverbearingcontempt]。Putthetithesonyouagain！Didthetithesevercomeoffyou？WasyourlandanydearerwhenyoupaidthetithetotheparsonthanitwaswhenyoupaidthesamemoneytoNickLestrangeasrent，andhehandeditovertotheChurchSustentationFund？WillyoualwaysbedupedbyActsofParliamentthatchangenothingbutthenecktieofthemanthatpicksyourpocket？I’lltellyouwhatI’ddowithyou，MatHaffigan：I’dmakeyoupaytithestoyourownChurch。IwanttheCatholicChurchestablishedinIreland：that’swhatIwant。DoyouthinkthatI，broughtuptoregardmyselfasthesonofagreatandholyChurch，canbeartoseeherbeggingherbreadfromtheignoranceandsuperstitionofmenlikeyou？I
wouldhaveherashighaboveworldlywantasIwouldhaveheraboveworldlyprideorambition。Aye;andIwouldhaveIrelandcompetewithRomeitselfforthechairofStPeterandthecitadeloftheChurch;forRome，inspiteofallthebloodofthemartyrs，ispaganathearttothisday，whileinIrelandthepeopleistheChurchandtheChurchthepeople。
FATHERDEMPSEY[startled，butnotatalldispleased]。Whisht，man！You’reworsethanmadPetherKeeganhimself。
BROADBENT[whohaslistenedinthegreatestastonishment]。Youamazeme，Larry。Whowouldhavethoughtofyourcomingoutlikethis！[Solemnly]ButmuchasIappreciateyourreallybrillianteloquence，IimploreyounottodesertthegreatLiberalprincipleofDisestablishment。
LARRY。IamnotaLiberal：Heavenforbid！AdisestablishedChurchistheworsttyrannyanationcangroanunder。
BROADBENT[makingawryface]。DON’Tbeparadoxical，Larry。Itreallygivesmeapaininmystomach。
LARRY。You’llsoonfindoutthetruthofithere。LookatFatherDempsey！heisdisestablished：hehasnothingtohopeorfearfromtheState;andtheresultisthathe’sthemostpowerfulmaninRosscullen。ThememberforRosscullenwouldshakeinhisshoesifFatherDempseylookedcrookedathim。[FatherDempseysmiles，bynomeansaversetothisacknowledgmentofhisauthority]。Lookatyourself！youwoulddefytheestablishedArchbishopofCanterburytentimesaday;butcatchyoudaringtosayawordthatwouldshockaNonconformist！notyou。TheConservativepartytodayistheonlyonethat’snotpriestridden——excusetheexpression，Father[FatherDempseynodstolerantly]——causeit’stheonlyonethathasestablisheditsChurchandcanpreventaclergymanbecomingabishopifhe’snotaStatesmanaswellasaChurchman。
Hestops。Theystareathimdumbfounded，andleaveittothepriesttoanswerhim。
FATHERDEMPSEY[judicially]。Youngman：you’llnotbethememberforRosscullen;butthere’smoreinyourheadthanthecombwilltakeout。
LARRY。I’msorrytodisappointyou，father;butItoldyouitwouldbenouse。AndnowIthinkthecandidatehadbetterretireandleaveyoutodiscusshissuccessor。[Hetakesanewspaperfromthetableandgoesawaythroughtheshrubberyamiddeadsilence，allturningtowatchhimuntilhepassesoutofsightroundthecornerofthehouse]。
DORAN[dazed]。Hwatsortofafellaisheatallatall？
FATHERDEMPSEY。He’sacleverlad：there’sthemakingofamaninhimyet。
MATTHEW[inconsternation]。D’yemanetosaydhatyllputhimintoparliamenttobringbackNickLesthrangeonme，andtoputtithesonme，andtorobmeforthelikeoPatsyFarrll，becausehe’sCornyDoyle’sonlyson？
DORAN[brutally]。Arrahouldyourwhisht：who’sgointosendhimintoparliament？Maybeyou’dlikeustosendyoudheretothratethemtoalittleoyouranxietyaboutdhatdirtylittlepodatopatchoyours。
MATTHEW[plaintively]。AmItobetowlddhisaftherallmesufferins？
DORAN。Och，I’mtiredoyoursufferins。We’vebeenhearinnothinelseeversincewewaschildherbutsufferins。Havenitwasn’tyoursitwassomebodyelse’s;andhavenitwasnobodyelse’sitwasouldIrelan’s。Howthedivilarewetoliveonwananodher’ssufferins？
FATHERDEMPSEY。That’sathrueword，BarneyDoarn;onlyyourtongue’salittletoofamiliarwidhedevil。[ToMat]Ifyou’dthinkalittlemoreothesufferinsoftheblessedsaints，Mat，analittlelessoyourown，you’dfindthewayshorterfromyourfarmtoheaven。[Matisabouttoreply]Dherenow！Dhat’senough！
weknowyoumeanwell;anI’mnotangrywithyou。
BROADBENT。Surely，MrHaffigan，youcanseethesimpleexplanationofallthis。MyfriendLarryDoyleisamostbrilliantspeaker;buthe’saTory：aningrainedoldfashionedTory。
CORNELIUS。Nhowd’yemakedhatout，ifImightaskyou，MrBroadbent？
BROADBENT[collectinghimselfforapoliticaldeliverance]。Well，youknow，MrDoyle，there’sastrongdashofToryismintheIrishcharacter。LarryhimselfsaysthatthegreatDukeofWellingtonwasthemosttypicalIrishmanthateverlived。Ofcoursethat’sanabsurdparadox;butstillthere’sagreatdealoftruthinit。
NowIamaLiberal。YouknowthegreatprinciplesoftheLiberalparty。Peace——
FATHERDEMPSEY[piously]。Hear！hear！
BROADBENT[encouraged]。Thankyou。Retrenchment——[hewaitsforfurtherapplause]。
MATTHEW[timidly]。Whatmightrethrenchmentmanenow？
BROADBENT。Itmeansanimmensereductionintheburdenoftheratesandtaxes。
MATTHEW[respectfullyapproving]。Dhatsright。Dhatsright，sir。
BROADBENT[perfunctorily]。And，ofcourse，Reform。
CORNELIUS}
FATHERDEMPSEY}[conventionally]。Ofcourse。
DORAN}
MATTHEW[stillsuspicious]。HwatdoesReformmane，sir？Doesitmanealtherinannythindhatsasitisnow？
BROADBENT[impressively]。Itmeans，MrHaffigan，maintainingthosereformswhichhavealreadybeenconferredonhumanitybytheLiberalParty，andtrustingforfuturedevelopmentstothefreeactivityofafreepeopleonthebasisofthosereforms。
DORAN。Dhat’sright。Nomoremeddlin。We’reallrightnow：allwewantistobeletalone。
CORNELIUS。HwataboutHomeRule？
BROADBENT[risingsoastoaddressthemmoreimposingly]。I
reallycannottellyouwhatIfeelaboutHomeRulewithoutusingthelanguageofhyperbole。
DORAN。SavinFadherDempsey’spresence，eh？
BROADBENT[notunderstandinghim]Quiteso——er——ohyes。AllIcansayisthatasanEnglishmanIblushfortheUnion。Itistheblackeststainonournationalhistory。Ilookforwardtothetime-anditcannotbefardistant，gentlemen，becauseHumanityislookingforwardtoittoo，andinsistingonitwithnouncertainvoice——IlookforwardtothetimewhenanIrishlegislatureshallariseoncemoreontheemeraldpastureofCollegeGreen，andtheUnionJack——thatdetestablesymbolofadecadentImperialism——bereplacedbyaflagasgreenastheislandoverwhichitwaves——aflagonwhichweshallaskforEnglandonlyamodestquarteringinmemoryofourgreatpartyandoftheimmortalnameofourgrandoldleader。
DORAN[enthusiastically]。Dhat’sthestyle，begob！[Hesmiteshisknee，andwinksatMat]。
MATTHEW。Morepowertoyou，Sir！
BROADBENT。Ishallleaveyounow，gentlemen，toyourdeliberations。IshouldliketohaveenlargedontheservicesrenderedbytheLiberalPartytothereligiousfaithofthegreatmajorityofthepeopleofIreland;butIshallcontentmyselfwithsayingthatinmyopinionyoushouldchoosenorepresentativewho——nomatterwhathispersonalcreedmaybe——isnotanardentsupporteroffreedomofconscience，andisnotpreparedtoproveitbycontributions，aslavishashismeanswillallow，tothegreatandbeneficentworkwhichyou，FatherDempsey[FatherDempseybows]，aredoingforthepeopleofRosscullen。Norshouldthelighter，butstillmostimportantquestionofthesportsofthepeoplebeforgotten。Thelocalcricketclub——
CORNELIUS。Thehwat！
DORAN。Nobodyplaysbatsballhere，ifdhat’swhatyoumean。
BROADBENT。Well，letussayquoits。Isawtwomen，Ithink，lastnight——butafterall，thesearequestionsofdetail。Themainthingisthatyourcandidate，whoeverhemaybe，shallbeamanofsomemeans，abletohelpthelocalityinsteadofburdeningit。
Andifhewereacountrymanofmyown，themoraleffectontheHouseofCommonswouldbeimmense！tremendous！Pardonmysayingthesefewwords：nobodyfeelstheirimpertinencemorethanIdo。
Goodmorning，gentlemen。
Heturnsimpressivelytothegate，andtrotsaway，congratulatinghimself，，withalittletwistofhisheadandcockofhiseye，onhavingdoneagoodstrokeofpoliticalbusiness。
HAFFIGAN[awestruck]。Goodmorning，sir。
THEREST。Goodmorning。[Theywatchhimvacantlyuntilheisoutofearshot]。
CORNELIUS。Hwatd’yethink，FatherDempsey？
FATHERDEMPSEY[indulgently]Well，hehasn’tmuchsense，Godhelphim;butforthematterothat，neitherhasourpresentmember。
DORAN。Arramushahe’sgoodenoughforparliamentwhatistheretodotherebutgasabit，anchivytheGoverment，anvotewidhIrishparty？
CORNELIUS[ruminatively]。He’sthequeerestEnglishmanIevermet。WhenheopenedthepaperdhismorninthefirstthinghesawwasthatanEnglishexpeditionhadbeenbetinabattleinInjasomewhere;anhewasaspleasedasPunch！Larrytoldhimthatifhe’dbeenalivewhenthenewsoWaterloocame，he’dadiedogriefoverit。BedadIdon’tthinkhe’squiterightinhishead。
DORAN。Divilamattherifhehasplentyomoney。He’lldoforusrightenough。
MATTHEW[deeplyimpressedbyBroadbent，andunabletounderstandtheirlevityconcerninghim]。Didyoumindwhathesaidaboutrethrenchment？Thatwasverygood，Ithought。
FATHERDEMPSEY。YoumightfindoutfromLarry，Corny，whathismeansare。Godforgiveusall！it’spoorworkspoilingtheEgyptians，thoughwehavegoodwarrantforit;soI’dliketoknowhowmuchspoilthereisbeforeIcommitmeself。[Herises。
Theyallriserespectfully]。
CORNELIUS[ruefully]。I’dsetmemindonLarryhimselffortheseat;butIsupposeitcan’tbehelped。
FATHERDEMPSEY[consolinghim]。Well，theboy’syoungyet;anhehasaheadonhim。Goodbye，all。[Hegoesoutthroughthegate]。
DORAN。Imustbegoin，too。[HedirectsCornelius’sattentiontowhatispassingintheroad]。LookatmebouldEnglishmanshakinhanswidFadherDempseyforalltheworldlikeacandidateonelectionday。AndlookatFadherDempseygivinhimasqueezeanawinkasmuchastosayIt’sallright，meboy。Youwatchhimshakinhanswithmetoo：he’swaitnforme。I’lltellhimhe’sasgoodaselected。[Hegoes，chucklingmischievously]。
CORNELIUS。Comeinwithme，Mat。IthinkI’llsellyouthepigafterall。Comeinanwetthebargain。
MATTHEW[instantlydroppingintotheoldwhineofthetenant]。
I’mafeerdIcan’taffordtheprice，sir。[HefollowsCorneliusintothehouse]。
Larry，newspaperstillinhand，comesbackthroughtheshrubbery。
Broadbentreturnsthroughthegate。
LARRY。Well？Whathashappened。
BROADBENT[hugelyself-satisfied]。IthinkI’vedonethetrickthistime。Ijustgavethemabitofstraighttalk;anditwenthome。Theyweregreatlyimpressed：everyoneofthosemenbelievesinmeandwillvoteformewhenthequestionofselectingacandidatecomesup。Afterall，whateveryousay，Larry，theylikeanEnglishman。Theyfeeltheycantrusthim，Isuppose。
LARRY。Oh！they’vetransferredthehonortoyou，havethey？
BROADBENT[complacently]。Well，itwasaprettyobviousmove，I
shouldthink。Youknow，thesefellowshaveplentyofshrewdnessinspiteoftheirIrishoddity。[Hodsoncomesfromthehouse。
LarrysitsinDoran’schairandreads]。Oh，bytheway，Hodson——
HODSON[comingbetweenBroadbentandLarry]。Yes，sir？
BROADBENT。Iwantyoutoberatherparticularastohowyoutreatthepeoplehere。
HODSON。Ihaven’ttreatedanyofemyet，sir。IfIwastoacceptallthetreatstheyoffermeIshouldn’tbeabletostandatthispresentmoment，sir。
BROADBENT。Ohwell，don’tbetoostand-offish，youknow，Hodson。
Ishouldlikeyoutobepopular。IfitcostsanythingI’llmakeituptoyou。Itdoesn’tmatterifyougetabitupsetatfirst：
they’lllikeyouallthebetterforit。
HODSON。I’msureyou’reverykind，sir;butitdon’tseemtomattertomewhethertheylikemeornot。I’mnotgoingtostandforparliamenthere，sir。
BROADBENT。Well，Iam。Nowdoyouunderstand？
HODSON[wakingupatonce]。Oh，Ibegyourpardon，sir，I’msure。
Iunderstand，sir。
CORNELIUS[appearingatthehousedoorwithMat]。Patsy’lldrivethepigoverthisevenin，Mat。Goodbye。[Hegoesbackintothehouse。Matmakesforthegate。Broadbentstopshim。Hodson，painedbythederelictbasket，picksitupandcarriesitawaybehindthehouse]。
BROADBENT[beamingcandidatorially]。Imustthankyouveryparticularly，MrHaffigan，foryoursupportthismorning。IvalueitbecauseIknowthattherealheartofanationistheclassyourepresent，theyeomanry。
MATTHEW[aghast]Theyeomanry！！！
LARRY[lookingupfromhispaper]。Takecare，Tom！InRosscullenayeomanmeansasortofOrangeBashi-Bazouk。InEngland，Mat，theycallafreeholdfarmerayeoman。
MATTHEW[huffily]。Idon’tneedtobeinsthructedbeyou，LarryDoyle。Somepeoplethinknooneknowsanythinbutdhemselves。[ToBroadbent，deferentially]OfcourseIknowagentlemanlikeyouwouldnotcomparemetotheyeomanry。MeowngranfatherwasfloggedinthesthreetsofAthenmulletbethemwhentheyputaguninthethatchofhishouseanthenwentandfounditthere，badcesstothem！
BROADBENT[withsympatheticinterest]。Thenyouarenotthefirstmartyrofyourfamily，MrHaffigan？
MATTHEW。TheyturnedmeoutothefarmImadeoutofthestonesoLittleRosscullenhillwidmeownhans。
BROADBENT。Ihaveheardaboutit;andmybloodstillboilsatthethought。[Calling]Hodson——
HODSON[behindthecornerofthehouse]Yes，sir。[Hehurriesforward]。
BROADBENT。Hodson：thisgentleman’ssufferingsshouldmakeeveryEnglishmanthink。Itiswantofthoughtratherthanwantofheartthatallowssuchiniquitiestodisgracesociety。
HODSON[prosaically]。Yessir。
MATTHEW。Well，I’llbegoin。Goodmornintoyoukindly，sir。
BROADBENT。Youhavesomedistancetogo，MrHaffigan：willyouallowmetodriveyouhome？
MATTHEW。Ohsureit’dbethroublinyourhonor。
BROADBENT。Iinsist：itwillgivemethegreatestpleasure，I
assureyou。Mycarisinthestable：Icangetitroundinfiveminutes。
MATTHEW。Well，sir，ifyouwouldn’tmind，wecouldbringthepigI’vejustboughtfromCorny。
BROADBENT[withenthusiasm]。Certainly，MrHaffigan：itwillbequitedelightfultodrivewithapiginthecar：IshallfeelquitelikeanIrishman。Hodson：staywithMrHaffigan;andgivehimahandwiththepigifnecessary。Come，Larry;andhelpme。
[Herushesawaythroughtheshrubbery]。
LARRY[throwingthepaperill-humoredlyonthechair]。Lookhere，Tom！here，Isay！confoundit！[herunsafterhim]。
MATTHEW[gloweringdisdainfullyatHodson，andsittingdownonCornelius’schairasanactofsocialself-assertion]Nareyouthevalley？
HODSON。Thevalley？Oh，Ifollowyou：yes：I’mMrBroadbent’svalet。
MATTHEW。Yehaveanaisytimeofit：youlookpurtysleek。[Withsuppressedferocity]Lookatme！DoIlooksleek？
HODSON[sadly]。IwishIadyourealth：youlookashardasnails。Isufferfromanexcessofuricacid。
MATTHEW。Mushawhatsortodiseaseiszhouragassid？Didjeversufferfrominjusticeandstarvation？Dhat’stheIrishdisease。
It’saisyforyoutotalkosufferin，anyoulivinonthefatothelandwidmoneywrungfromus。
HODSON[Coolly]。Wotswrongwithyou，oldchap？Hasennybodybeendoinennythingtoyou？
MATTHEW。Anythintimme！Didn’tyourEnglishmasthersaythatthebloodbiledinhimtohearthewaytheyputarintonmeforthefarmImadewidmeownhans，andturnedmeoutofittogiveittoBillyByrne？
HODSON。Ow，TomBroadbent’sbloodboilsprettyeasyoverennythingthatappensoutofhisowncountry。Don’tyoubetakeninbymyoleman，Paddy。
MATTHEW[indignantly]。Paddyyourself！HowdaryoucallmePaddy？
HODSON[unmoved]。Youjustkeepyourhaironandlistentome。
YouIrishpeoplearetoowelloff：that’swhat’sthematterwithyou。[Withsuddenpassion]Youtalkofyourrottenlittlefarmbecauseyoumadeitbychuckinafewstownesdahnahill！Well，wotpricemygrenfawther，Ishouldliketoknow，thatfittedupafussclawssshopandbuiltupafussclawssdraperybusinessinLondonbysixtyyearswork，andthenwaschuckedahtofitonisedattheendofisleasewithahtapennyforhisgoodwill。Youtalkofevictions！youthatcawn’tbemoveduntilyou’verunupeighteenmonthsrent。IonceranupfourweeksinLambethwhenIwasahtofajobinwinter。Theytookthedooroffitsingesandthewinderahtofitssashesonme，andgavemywifepnoomownia。I’mawidowernow。[Betweenhisteeth]Gawd！whenI
thinkofthethingsweEnglishmenavtoputupwith，andhearyouIrishhahlinabahtyoursillylittlegrievances，andseethewayyoumakesitworseforusbytherottenwagesyou’llcomeoverandtakeandtherottenplacesyou’llsleepin，IjastfeelthatIcouldtaketheoulbloominBritishawlandandmakeyouapresentofit，jasttoletyoufindoutwotrealardship’slike。
MATTHEW[startingup，moreinscandalizedincredulitythaninanger]。D’yehavethefacetosetupEnglandagenIrelandforinjusticesanwrongsandisthressansufferin？
HODSON[withintensedisgustandcontempt，butwithCockneycoolness]。Ow，chuckit，Paddy。Cheeseit。Youdannowotardshipisoverere：allyouknowisahtoahlabahtit。Youtakethebiscuitatthat，youdo。I’maOwmRuler，Iam。Doyouknowwhy？
MATTHEW[equallycontemptuous]。D’yeknow，yourself？
HODSON。YesIdo。It’sbecauseIwantalittleattentionpaidtomyowncountry;andthet’llneverbeaslongasyourchapsareollerinatWesministerasifnowbodymetteredbutyourownbloominselves。SendembacktohellorC’naught，asgoodoulEnglishCromwellsaid。I’mjastsickofIreland。Letitgow。Cutthecable。MakeitapresenttoGermanytokeeptheoulKyzerbusyforawhile;andgivepoorowldEnglandachawnce：thetswotIsay。
MATTHEW[fullofscornforamansoignorantastobeunabletopronouncethewordConnaught，whichpracticallyrhymeswithbonnetinIreland，thoughinHodson’sdialectitrhymeswithuntaught]。Takecarewedon’tcutthecableourselvessomeday，badscrantoyou！Antellmedhis：haveyannyCoercionAcsinEngland？Haveyannyremovables？HaveyouDublinCastletosuppresseverynewspaperdhattakesthepartoyourowncounthry？
HODSON。Wecanbeyaveahrselveswithahtsichthings。
MATTHEW。Bedadyou’reright。It’donlybewasteotimetomuzzleasheep。Here！where’smepig？Godforgimmefortalkintoapoorignorantcraycherlikeyou。
HODSON[grinningwithgood-humoredmalice，tooconvincedofhisownsuperioritytofeelhiswitherswrung]。Yourpig’llaveararedoininthatcar，Paddy。Fortymilesanahrdahnthatrockylanewillstrikeitprettypink，youbet。
MATTHEW[scornfully]。Hwycan’tyoutellaraisonableliewhenyou’reaboutit？Whathorsecangofortymileanhour？
HODSON。Orse！Wy，yousillyoulrottenit’snotaorseit’samowtor。DoyousupposeTomBroadbentwouldgowoffhimselftoarnessaorse？
MATTHEW[inconsternation]。HolyMoses！Don’ttellmeit’stheinginehewantstotakemeon。
HODSON。Wotelse？
MATTHEW。YoursowltoMorrisKelly！whydidn’tyoutellmethatbefore？Thedivilaninginehe’llgetmeonthisday。[Hisearcatchesanapproachingteuf-teuf]Ohmurdher！it’scominaftherme：Ihearthepuffpuffofit。[Herunsawaythroughthegate，muchtoHodson’samusement。Thenoiseofthemotorceases;andHodson，anticipatingBroadbent’sreturn，throwsoffthepoliticianandrecomposeshimselfasavalet。BroadbentandLarrycomethroughtheshrubbery。Hodsonmovesasidetothegate]。
BROADBENT。WhereisMrHaffigan？Hashegoneforthepig？
HODSON。Bolted，sir！Afraidofthemotor，sir。
BROADBENT[muchdisappointed]。Oh，that’sverytiresome。Didheleaveanymessage？
HODSON。Hewasintoogreatahurry，sir。Startedtorunhome，sir，andlefthispigbehindhim。
BROADBENT[eagerly]。Leftthepig！Thenit’sallright。Thepig’sthething：thepigwillwinovereveryIrishhearttome。We’lltakethepighometoHaffigan’sfarminthemotor：itwillhaveatremendouseffect。Hodson！
HODSON。Yessir？
BROADBENT。Doyouthinkyoucouldcollectacrowdtoseethemotor？
HODSON。Well，I’lltry，sir。
BROADBENT。Thankyou，Hodson：do。
Hodsongoesoutthroughthegate。
LARRY[desperately]。Oncemore，Tom，willyoulistentome？
BROADBENT。Rubbish！Itellyouitwillbeallright。
LARRY。Onlythismorningyouconfessedhowsurprisedyouweretofindthatthepeoplehereshowednosenseofhumor。
BROADBENT[suddenlyverysolemn]。Yes：theirsenseofhumorisinabeyance：Inoticeditthemomentwelanded。Thinkofthatinacountrywhereeverymanisabornhumorist！Thinkofwhatitmeans！[Impressively]Larryweareinthepresenceofagreatnationalgrief。
LARRY。What’stogrievethem？
BROADBENT。Idivinedit，Larry：Isawitintheirfaces。IrelandhasneversmiledsinceherhopeswereburiedinthegraveofGladstone。
LARRY。Oh，what’stheuseoftalkingtosuchaman？Nowlookhere，Tom。Beseriousforamomentifyoucan。
BROADBENT[stupent]Serious！I！！！
LARRY。Yes，you。YousaytheIrishsenseofhumorisinabeyance。
Well，ifyoudrivethroughRossculleninamotorcarwithHaffigan’spig，itwon’tstayinabeyance。NowIwarnyou。
BROADBENT[breezily]。Why，somuchthebetter！Ishallenjoythejokemyselfmorethananyofthem。[Shouting]Hallo，PatsyFarrell，whereareyou？
PATSY[appearingintheshrubbery]。HereIam，yourhonor。
BROADBENT。Goandcatchthepigandputitintothecar——we’regoingtotakeittoMrHaffigan’s。[HegivesLarryaslapontheshouldersthatsendshimstaggeringoffthroughthegate，andfollowshimbuoyantly，exclaiming]Comeon，youoldcroaker！I’llshowyouhowtowinanIrishseat。
PATSY[meditatively]。Bedad，ifdhatpiggetsahowltothehandleothemachine——[Heshakeshisheadominouslyanddriftsawaytothepigsty]。
ACTIV
TheparlorinCorneliusDoyle’shouse。Itcommunicateswiththegardenbyahalfglazeddoor。Thefireplaceisattheothersideoftheroom，oppositethedoorandwindows，thearchitectnothavingbeensensitivetodraughts。Thetable，rescuedfromthegarden，isinthemiddle;andatitsitsKeegan，thecentralfigureinarathercrowdedapartment。
Nora，sittingwithherbacktothefireattheendofthetable，isplayingbackgammonacrossitscornerwithhim，onhislefthand。AuntJudy，alittlefurtherback，sitsfacingthefireknitting，withherfeetonthefender。AlittletoKeegan’sright，infrontofthetable，andalmostsittingonit，isBarneyDoran。Halfadozenfriendsofhis，allmen，arebetweenhimandtheopendoor，supportedbyothersoutside。Inthecornerbehindthemisthesofa，ofmahoganyandhorsehair，madeupasabedforBroadbent。AgainstthewallbehindKeeganstandsamahoganysideboard。Adoorleadingtotheinteriorofthehouseisnearthefireplace，behindAuntJudy。Therearechairsagainstthewall，oneateachendofthesideboard。Keegan’shatisontheonenearesttheinnerdoor;andhisstickisleaningagainstit。
Athirdchair，alsoagainstthewall，isnearthegardendoor。
Thereisastrongcontrastofemotionalatmospherebetweenthetwosidesoftheroom。Keeganisextraordinarilystern：nogameofbackgammoncouldpossiblymakeaman’sfacesogrim。AuntJudyisquietlybusy。NoraittryingtoignoreDoranandattendtohergame。
OntheotherhandDoranisreelinginanecstasyofmischievousmirthwhichhasinfectedallhisfriends。Theyarescreamingwithlaughter，doubledup，leaningonthefurnitureandagainstthewalls，shouting，screeching，crying。
AUNTJUDY[asthenoiselullsforamoment]。Arraholdyournoise，Barney。Whatistheretolaughat？
DORAN。Itgotitsfutintothelittlehweel——[heisovercomeafresh;andtherestcollapseagain]。
AUNTJUDY。Ah，havesomesense：you’relikeaparcelochildher。
Nora，hithimathumpontheback：he’llhaveafit。
DORAN[withsqueezedeyes，exsuflicatewithcachinnation]Frens，heseztodhemoutsideDoolan’s：I’mtakinthegintlemanthatpaystherintforadhrive。
AUNTJUDY。Whodidhemeanbethat？
DORAN。TheycallapigthatinEngland。That’stheirnotionofajoke。
AUNTJUDY。MushaGodhelpthemiftheycanjokenobetterthanthat！
DORAN[withrenewedsymptoms]。Thin——
AUNTJUDY。Ahnowdon’tbetellinitalloverandsettinyourselfoffagain，Barney。
NORA。You’vetoldusthreetimes，MrDoran。
DORAN。WellbutwhinIthinkofit——！
AUNTJUDY。Thendon’tthinkofit，alanna。
DORAN。TherewasPatsyFarrllinthebacksatewidhepigbetweenhisknees，nmebouldEnglishboyohinfrontatthemachinery，nLarryDoyleintheroadstartintheinjinewidabedwinch。AtthefirstpuffofitthepiglepoutofitsskinandbledPatsy’snosewidheringinitssnout。[Roarsoflaughter：Keeganglaresatthem]。BeforeBroadbintknewhwerehewas，thepigwasuphisbackandoverintohislap;andbedadthepoorbastedidcredittoCorny’sthraininofit;foritputinthefourthspeedwiditsrightcrubeenasifitwasentheredfortheGordnBennett。
NORA[reproachfully]。AndLarryinfrontofitandall！It’snothntolaughat，MrDoran。
DORAN。Bedad，MissReilly，Larryclearedsixyardsbackwardsatwanjumpifheclearedaninch;andhe’daclearedsevenifDoolan’sgranmotherhadn’tcotchhiminherapernwidhoutintindinto。[Immensemerriment]。
AUNTJUDY，Ah，forshame，Barney！thepooroldwoman！Anshewashurtbefore，too，whensheslippedonthestairs。
DORAN。Bedad，ma’am，she’shurtbehindnow;forLarrybouledheroverlikeaskittle。[GeneraldelightatthistypicalstrokeofIrishRabelaisianism]。
NORA。It’swelltheladwasn’tkilled。
DORAN。Faithitwasn’toLarrywewerethinkinjusdhen，widhepigtakinthemainsthreetoRosscullenonmarketdayatamileaminnit。DhonythingBroadbintcouldgetatwidhepiginfrontofhimwasafutbrake;nthepig’stailwasundherdhat;sothatwhinhethoughthewasputnnonthebrakehewasonysqueezinthelifeoutothepig’stail。Themoreheputthebrakeonthemorethepigsquealednthefastherhedhruv。
AUNTJUDY。Whycouldn’thethrowthepigoutintotheroad？
DORAN。Surehecouldn’tstanduptoit，becausehewasspanchelled-likebetweenhisseatanddhatthinglikeawheelontopofastickbetweenhisknees。
AUNTJUDY。Lordhavemercyonus！
NORA。Idon’tknowhowyoucanlaugh。Doyou，MrKeegan？
KEEGAN[grimly]。Whynot？Thereisdanger，destruction，torment！
Whatmoredowewanttomakeusmerry？Goon，Barney：thelastdropsofjoyarenotsqueezedfromthestoryyet。Tellusagainhowourbrotherwastornasunder。
DORAN[puzzled]。Whosebruddher？
KEEGAN。Mine。
NORA。Hemeansthepig，MrDoran。Youknowhisway。
DORAN[risinggallantlytotheoccasion]。BedadI’msorryforyourpoorbruddher，MistherKeegan;butIrecommendyoutothryhimwidacoupleofriedeggsforyourbreakfasttomorrow。ItwasacaseofExcelsiorwidhatambitiousbaste;fornotcontentwidjumpinfromthebackseatintothefrontwan，hejumpedfromthefrontwanintotheroadinfrontofthecar。And——
KEEGAN。Andeverybodylaughed！
NORA。Don’tgooverthatagain，please，MrDoran。
DORAN。Faithbethetimethecarwentoverthepoorpigdherewaslittleleftformeoranywanelsetogooverexceptwidaknifeanfork。
AUNTJUDY。Whydidn’tMrBroadbentstopthecarwhenthepigwasgone？
DORAN。Stopthecar！Hemightaswellhathriedtostopamadbull。FirstitwentwanwayanmadefireworksoMollyRyan’scrockerystall;andhenitslewedroundanrippedtenfutowalloutothecornerothepound。[Withenormousenjoyment]Begob，itjusttorethetownintwoandsentthewholedammarkettoblazes。[Noraoffended，rises]。
KEEGAN[indignantly]。Sir！
DORAN[quickly]。Savinyourpresence，MissReilly，andMistherKeegan’s。Dhere！Iwon’tsayanuddherword。
NORA。I’msurprisedatyou，MrDoran。[Shesitsdownagain]。
DORAN[refectively]。Hehasthedivil’sownluck，thatEnglishman，annyway;forwhentheypickedhimuphehadn’tascratchonhim，barrnhwatthepigdidtohiscloes。Patsyhadtwofingersoutojynt;butthesmithpulledthemsthraightforhim。Oh，youneverheardsuchahullaballooastherewas。TherewasMolly，cryinMechaney，mebeautyfulchaney！noulMatshoutinMepig，mepig！nthepolustakinthenumberothecar，nnotamaninthetownabletospeakforlaughin——
KEEGAN[withintenseemphasis]。Itishell：itishell。Nowhereelsecouldsuchascenebeaburstofhappinessforthepeople。
Corneliuscomesinhastilyfromthegarden，pushinghiswaythroughthelittlecrowd。
CORNELIUS。Whishtyourlaughin，boys！Hereheis。[Heputshishatonthesideboard，andgoestothefireplace，wherehepostshimselfwithhisbacktothechimneypiece]。
AUNTJUDY。Rememberyourbehavior，now。
Everybodybecomessilent，solemn，concerned，sympathetic。
Broadbententers，roiledanddisorderedastohismotoringcoat：
immenselyimportantandseriousastohimself。Hemakeshiswaytotheendofthetablenearestthegardendoor，whilstLarry，whoaccompanieshim，throwshismotoringcoatonthesofabed，andsitsdown，watchingtheproceedings。
BROADBENT[takingoffhisleathercapwithdignityandplacingitonthetable]。Ihopeyouhavenotbeenanxiousaboutme。
AUNTJUDY。Deednwehave，MrBroadbent。It’samercyyouweren’tkilled。
DORAN。Kilt！It’samercydherestwobonesofyoulefthouldintogether。Howdijjescapeatallatall？Well，IneverthoughtI’dbesogladtoseeyousafeandsoundagain。Notamaninthetownwouldsayless[murmursofkindlyassent]。Won’tyoucomedowntoDoolan’sandhaveadhropobrandytotaketheshockoff？
BROADBENT。You’reallreallytookind;buttheshockhasquitepassedoff。
DORAN[jovially]。Nevermind。Comealongallthesameandtellusaboutitoverafrenlyglass。
BROADBENT。MayIsayhowdeeplyIfeelthekindnesswithwhichI
havebeenoverwhelmedsincemyaccident？IcantruthfullydeclarethatIamgladithappened，becauseithasbroughtoutthekindnessandsympathyoftheIrishcharactertoanextentIhadnoconceptionof。
SEVERAL{Oh，sureyou’rewelcome！
PRESENT。{Sureit’sonlynatural。
{Sureyoumighthavebeenkilt。
Ayoungman，onthepointofbursting，hurriesout。Barneyputsanironconstraintonhisfeatures。
BROADBENT。AllIcansayisthatIwishIcoulddrinkthehealthofeveryoneofyou。
DORAN。Dhencomeandoit。
BROADBENT[verysolemnly]。No：Iamateetotaller。
AUNTJUDY[incredulously]。Arrasincewhen？
BROADBENT。Sincethismorning，MissDoyle。Ihavehadalesson[helooksatNorasignificantly]thatIshallnotforget。Itmaybethattotalabstinencehasalreadysavedmylife;forIwasastonishedatthesteadinessofmynerveswhendeathstaredmeinthefacetoday。SoIwillaskyoutoexcuseme。[Hecollectshimselfforaspeech]。Gentlemen：Ihopethegravityoftheperilthroughwhichwehaveallpassed——forIknowthatthedangertothebystanderswasasgreatastotheoccupantsofthecar——willproveanearnestofcloserandmoreseriousrelationsbetweenusinthefuture。Wehavehadasomewhatagitatingday：avaluableandinnocentanimalhaslostitslife：apublicbuildinghasbeenwrecked：anagedandinfirmladyhassufferedanimpactforwhichIfeelpersonallyresponsible，thoughmyoldfriendMrLaurenceDoyleunfortunatelyincurredthefirsteffectsofherverynaturalresentment。IgreatlyregretthedamagetoMrPatrickFarrell’sfingers;andIhaveofcoursetakencarethatheshallnotsufferpecuniarilybyhismishap。[Murmursofadmirationathismagnanimity，andAVoice\"You’reagentleman，sir\"]。IamgladtosaythatPatsytookitlikeanIrishman，and，farfromexpressinganyvindictivefeeling，declaredhiswillingnesstobreakallhisfingersandtoesformeonthesameterms[subduedapplause，and\"MorepowertoPatsy！\"]。Gentlemen：IfeltathomeinIrelandfromthefirst[risingexcitementamonghishearers]。
IneveryIrishbreastIhavefoundthatspiritofliberty[A
cheeryvoice\"HearHear\"]，thatinstinctivemistrustoftheGovernment[Asmallpiousvoice，withintenseexpression，\"Godblessyou，sir！\"]，thatloveofindependence[Adefiantvoice，\"That’sit！Independence！\"]，thatindignantsympathywiththecauseofoppressednationalitiesabroad[Athreateninggrowlfromall：theground-swellofpatrioticpassion]，andwiththeresoluteassertionofpersonalrightsathome，whichisallbutextinctinmyowncountry。IfitwerelegallypossibleIshouldbecomeanaturalizedIrishman;andifeveritbemygoodfortunetorepresentanIrishconstituencyinparliament，itshallbemyfirstcaretointroduceaBilllegalizingsuchanoperation。I
believealargesectionoftheLiberalpartywouldavailthemselvesofit。[Momentaryscepticism]。Ido。[Convulsivecheering]。Gentlemen：Ihavesaidenough。[Criesof\"Goon\"]。No：
Ihaveasyetnorighttoaddressyouatallonpoliticalsubjects;andwemustnotabusethewarmheartedIrishhospitalityofMissDoylebyturninghersittingroomintoapublicmeeting。
DORAN[energetically]。ThreecheersforTomBroadbent，thefuturememberforRosscullen！
AUNTJUDY[wavingahalfknittedsock]。Hiphiphurray！
Thecheersaregivenwithgreatheartiness，asitisbythistime，forthemorehumorousspiritspresent，aquestionofvociferationorinternalrupture。
BROADBENT。Thankyoufromthebottomofmyheart，friends。
NORA[whisperingtoDoran]。Takethemaway，MrDoran[Dorannods]。
DORAN。Well，goodevenin，MrBroadbent;anmayyouneverregretthedayyouwintdhrivinwidHalligan’spig！[Theyshakehands]。
Goodevenin，MissDoyle。
Generalhandshaking，Broadbentshakinghandswitheverybodyeffusively。HeaccompaniesthemtothegardenandcanbeheardoutsidesayingGoodnightineveryinflexionknowntoparliamentarycandidates。Nora，AuntJudy，Keegan，Larry，andCorneliusareleftintheparlor。Larrygoestothethresholdandwatchesthesceneinthegarden。
NORA。It’sashametomakegameofhimlikethat。He’sagradlemoregoodinhimthanBarneyDoran。
CORNELIUS。It’sallupwithhiscandidature。He’llbelaughedoutothetown。
LARRY[turningquicklyfromthedoorway]。Ohnohewon’t：he’snotanIrishman。He’llneverknowthey’relaughingathim;andwhilethey’relaughinghe’llwintheseat。
CORNELIUS。Buthecan’tpreventthestorygettingabout。
LARRY。Hewon’twantto。He’lltellithimselfasoneofthemostprovidentialepisodesinthehistoryofEnglandandIreland。
AUNTJUDY。Surehewouldn’tmakeafoolofhimselflikethat。
LARRY。Areyousurehe’ssuchafoolafterall，AuntJudy？
Supposeyouhadavote！whichwouldyourathergiveitto？themanthattoldthestoryofHaffigan’spigBarneyDoran’swayorBroadbent’sway？
AUNTJUDY。FaithIwouldn’tgiveittoamanatall。It’safewwomentheywantinparliamenttostoptheirfoolishblather。
BROADBENT[bustlingintotheroom，andtakingoffhisdamagedmotoringovercoat，whichheputdownonthesofa]。Well，that’sover。Imustapologizeformakingthatspeech，MissDoyle;buttheylikeit，youknow。Everythinghelpsinelectioneering。
Larrytakesthechairnearthedoor;drawsitnearthetable;andsitsastrideit，withhiselbowsfoldedontheback。
AUNTJUDY。I’dnonotionyouweresuchanorator，MrBroadbent。
BROADBENT。Oh，it’sonlyaknack。Onepicksitupontheplatform。Itstokesuptheirenthusiasm。
AUNTJUDY。Oh，Iforgot。You’venotmetMrKeegan。Letmeintrojooceyou。
BROADBENT[shakinghandseffusively]。Mosthappytomeetyou，MrKeegan。Ihaveheardofyou，thoughIhavenothadthepleasureofshakingyourhandbefore。AndnowmayIaskyou——forIvaluenoman’sopinionmore——whatyouthinkofmychanceshere。
KEEGAN[coldly]。Yourchances，sir，areexcellent。Youwillgetintoparliament。
BROADBENT[delighted]。Ihopeso。Ithinkso。[Fluctuating]Youreallythinkso？Youaresureyouarenotallowingyourenthusiasmforourprinciplestogetthebetterofyourjudgment？
KEEGAN。Ihavenoenthusiasmforyourprinciples，sir。Youwillgetintoparliamentbecauseyouwanttogetintoitbadlyenoughtobepreparedtotakethenecessarystepstoinducethepeopletovoteforyou。Thatishowpeopleusuallygetintothatfantasticassembly。
BROADBENT[puzzled]。Ofcourse。[Pause]。Quiteso。[Pause]。Er——
yes。[Buoyantagain]Ithinktheywillvoteforme。Eh？Yes？
AUNTJUDY。Arrawhyshouldn’tthey？LookatthepeopletheyDO
votefor！
BROADBENT[encouraged]。That’strue：that’sverytrue。WhenIseethewindbags，thecarpet-baggers，thecharlatans，the——the——thefoolsandignoramuseswhocorruptthemultitudebytheirwealth，orseducethembyspoutingbalderdashtothem，Icannothelpthinkingthatanhonestmanwithnohumbugabouthim，whowilltalkstraightcommonsenseandtakehisstandonthesolidgroundofprincipleandpublicduty，mustwinhiswaywithmenofallclasses。
KEEGAN[quietly]。Sir：therewasatime，inmyignorantyouth，whenIshouldhavecalledyouahypocrite。
BROADBENT[reddening]。Ahypocrite！
NORA[hastily]。OhI’msureyoudon’tthinkanythingofthesort，MrKeegan。
BROADBENT[emphatically]。Thankyou，MissReilly：thankyou。
CORNELIUS[gloomily]。Weallhavetostretchitabitinpolitics：hwat’stheuseopretendinwedon’t？
BROADBENT[stiffly]。IhopeIhavesaidordonenothingthatcallsforanysuchobservation，MrDoyle。IfthereisaviceI
detest——oragainstwhichmywholepubliclifehasbeenaprotest——itistheviceofhypocrisy。Iwouldalmostratherbeinconsistentthaninsincere。