\"He’dwriteusdaily,andwe’dseehisfaceOnceeveryyear。\"SuchwashispromisegivenThemornheleft。ButnowtheyearsweresevenSincelasthelookedupontheoldenplace。
He’dbeenthroughcollege,travelledinalllands,Sailedoverseas,andtrodthedesertsands。
Wouldwriteandplanavisit,then,erelong,WouldwriteagainfromEgypt,orHongKong—
Somefancycalledhimthitherunforeseen。
Soyearshadpassed,tillsevenlaybetweenHisgoingandthecomingofthisnote,WhichIhidinmybosom,andrepliedToAuntRuth’squeries,\"Whatthetruantwrote?\"
Bysayinghewasstilluponthewing,Andmerelydroppedaline,whilejourneying,Tosayhelived:andshewassatisfied。
Sometimesithappens,inthisworldsostrange,Ahumanheartwillpassthroughmortalstrife,Andwritheintorture:whiletheoldsweetlife,Sofullofhopeandbeauty,bloomandgrace,IsslowlystrangledbyremorselessPain:
Andonestern,cold,relentless,takesitsplace—
Aghastly,pallidspectreoftheslain。
YetthoseindailyconverseseenochangeNordreamthehearthassuffered。
SothatdayIpassedalongtowardthetroubledwaySterndutypointed,andnomortalguessedAmightyconflicthaddisturbedmybreast。
IhadresolvedtoyielduptomyfriendThemanIloved。Sinceshe,too,lovedhimsoIsawnootherwayinhonourleft。
Shewassoweakandfragile,oncebereftOfthisgreathope,thatheldherwithsuchpower,Shewouldwiltdown,likesomefrost—bittenflower,Andswift,untimelydeathwouldbetheend。
ButIwasstrong;andhardyplants,whichgrowInout—doorsoil,canbearbleakwindsthatblowFromArcticlands,whereofasinglebreathWouldlaythehot—houseblossomlowindeath。
Thehourswentby,tooslow,andyettoofast。
AlldayIarguedwithmyfoolishheartThatbademeplaytheshrinkingcoward’spartAndhidefrompain。AndwhenthedayhadpastAndtimeforVivian’scalldrewnearandnearer,Itpleaded,\"Waituntilthewayseemsclearer;
Sayyouareill——orbusy;keepawayUntilyougatherstrengthenoughtoplayThepartyouhaveresolvedon。\"
\"Nay,notso,\"
Madeanswerclear—eyedReason;\"doyougoAndputyourresolutiontothetest。
Resolve,howevernoblyformed,atbestIsbutastill—bornbabeofThoughtuntilItprovesexistenceofitslifeandwillBysoundoraction。\"
SowhenHelencameAndkneltbyme,herfairfaceallaflameWithsuddenblushes,whispering,\"Mysweet!
Myheartcanhearthemusicofhisfeet,Godownwithmetomeethim,\"Iarose,Andwentwithherallcalmly,asonegoesTolookuponthedearfaceofthedead。
ThateveIknownotwhatIdidorsaid。
Iwasnotcold——mymannerwasnotstrange;
PerchanceItalkedmorefreelythanmywont,Butinmyspeechwasnaughtcouldgiveaffront;
YetIconveyed,asonlywomancan,ThatnamelessSOMETHINGwhichbespeaksachance。
’Tisinthepowerofwoman,ifshebeWhole—souledandnoble,freefromcoquetry—
Hermotivesallunselfish,worthy,good,TomakeherselfandfeelingsunderstoodBynamelessacts,thussparingwhattoman,Howevergentlyanswered,causespain,Theofferingofhishandandheartinvain。
Shecanbefriendly,unrestrained,andkindAssumenoairsofprideorarrogance;
Butinhervoice,hermanner,andherglance,Conveythatmysticsomething,undefined,Whichmenfailnottounderstandandread,And,whennotblindwithegoism,heed。
Mytaskwasharder——’twastheslowundoingOflongsweetmonthsofunimpededwooing。
ItwastohideandcoverandconcealThetruth,assumingwhatIdidnotfeel。
Itwastodamlove’shappysingingtideThatblessedmewithitshopeful,tunefultoneByfeignedindiff’rence,tillitturnedasideAndchangeditschannel,leavingmealoneTowalkparchedplains,andthirstforthatsweetdraughtMylipshadtasted,butanotherquaffed。
Itcouldbedone,fornowordsyetwerespoken—
Nonetorecall——nopledgestobebroken。
\"Hewillbegrieved,thenangry,cold,thencross,\"
Ireasoned,thinkingwhatwouldbehispartInthisstrangedrama。\"Then,becauseheFeelssomethinglacking,tomakegoodhislossHe’llturntoHelen,andhergentlegraceAndlovingactswillwinhersoontheplaceIholdto—day;andlikeatroubleddreamAtlength,ourpast,whenhelooksback,willseem。\"
Thateveningpassedwithmusic,chat,andsong,ButhoursthatoncehadflownonairywingsNowlimpedonweary,achinglimbsalong,EachmomentlikesomedreadedstepthatbringsAtwingeofpain。
AsVivianrosetogo,Slowbendingtomefromhisgreaterheight,Hetookmyhand,and,lookinginmyeyes,Withtenderquestioningandpainedsurprise,Said,\"Maurine,youarenotyourselfto—night;
Whatisit?Areyouailing?\"
\"Ailing?No,\"
Ianswered,laughinglightly,\"Iamnot;
Justseemycheek,sir——isitthin,orpale?
Now,tellme,amIlookingveryfrail?\"
\"Nay,nay,\"heanswered,\"itcannotbeSEEN,ThechangeIspeakof——’twasmoreinyourmien—
Preoccupation,or——Iknownotwhat!
MissHelen,amIwrong,ordoesMaurineSeemtohavesomethingonhermindthiseve?\"
\"Shedoes,\"laughedHelen,\"andIdobelieveIknowwhat’tis!Alettercameto—dayWhichshereadslyly,andthenhidawayClosetoherheart,notknowingIwasnear,Andsinceshe’sbeenasyouhaveseenherhere。
Seehowsheblushes!somyrandomshotWemustbelievehasstruckatenderspot。\"
Herripplinglaughterfloatedthroughtheroom,AndredderyetIfeltthehotbloodrise,Thensurgeaway,toleavemepaleasdeathUnderthedarkandswiftlygatheringgloomOfVivian’squestioning,accusingeyes,Thatsearchedmysoul。IalmostshriekedbeneathThatstern,fixedgaze,andstoodspellbounduntilHeturnedwithsuddenmovement,gavehishandToeachinturn,andsaid:\"YoumustnotstandLonger,youngladies,inthisopendoor。
Theairisheavywithacold,dampchill。
Weshallhaverainto—morrow,orbefore。
Good—night。\"
Hevanishedinthedarklingshade;
Andsothedreadedeveningfoundanend,Thatsawmegrasptheconscience—whettedblade,Andstrikeablowforhonourandforfriend。
\"Howswiftlypassedtheevening!\"Helensighed。
\"Howlongthehours!\"mytorturedheartreplied。
Joy,likeachild,withlightsomestepsdothglideByFatherTime,and,lookinginhisface,Cries,snatchingblossomsfromthefairroadside,\"Icouldpluckmore,butforthyhurriedpace。\"
ThewhileherelderbrotherPain,mangrown,Whosefeetarehurtbymanyathornandstone,Lookstosomedistanthilltop,highandcalm,Whereheshallfindnotonlyrest,butbalmForallhiswounds,andcries,intonesofwoe,\"Oh,FatherTime!whyisthypacesoslow?\"
Twodays,allsadwithlonelywindandrain,Wentsobbingby,repeatingo’erando’erThemiserere,desolateanddrear,Whicheveryhumanheartmustsometimehear。
Painisbutlittlevaried。Itsrefrain,Whate’erthewordsare,isforayethesame。
Thethirddaybroughtachange,forwithitcameNotonlysunnysmilestoNature’sface,ButRoy,ourRoycamebacktous。OncemoreWelookedintohislaughing,handsomeeyes,Which,whiletheygaveAuntRuthagladsurpriseInnowaypuzzledher,foroneglancetoldWhateachsucceedingoneconfirmed,thatheWhobentaboveherwiththelissomegraceOfhisfineform,thoughgrownsotall,couldbeNootherthantheRoyMontaineofold。
Itwasasweetreunion,andhebroughtSomuchofsunshinewithhimthatIcaught,Justfromhissmilealone,enoughofgladnessTomakemyheartforgetatimeitssadness。
Wetalkedtogetherofthedearolddays:
Leavingthepresent,withitsdepthsandheightsOflife’smaturersorrowsanddelights,Iturnedbacktomychildhood’slevelland,AndRoyandI,dearplaymates,handinhand,Wanderedinmem’rythroughtheoldenways。
Itwasthesecondeveningofhiscoming。
Helenwasplayingdreamily,andhummingSomewordlessmelodyofwhite—souledthought,WhileRoyandIsatbytheopendoor,Re—livingchildishincidentsofyore。
Myeyeswereglowing,andmycheekswerehotWithwarmyoungblood;excitement,joy,orpainAlikewouldsendswiftcoursingthrougheachvein。
Roy,alwayseloquent,waswaxingfine,AndbringingvividlybeforemygazeSomeoldadventureofthosehalcyondays,Whensuddenly,inpausesofthetalk,Iheardawell—knownstepuponthewalk,AndlookedupquicklytomeetfullinmineTheeyesofVivianDangerfield。AflashShotfromtheirdepths:—asuddenblazeoflightLikethatswiftfollowedbythethunder’scrash,Whichsaid,\"Suspicionisconfirmedbysight,\"
Astheyfellonthepleasantdoorwayscene。
Theno’erhisclear—cutfaceacold,whitelookCrept,likethepallidmoonlighto’erabrook,And,withaslight,proudbendingofthehead,Hesteppedtowardushaughtily,andsaid:
\"Pleasepardonmyintrusion,MissMaurine,IcalledtoaskMissTrevorforabookShespokeoflendingme;nay,sityoustill,AndI,bygrantofyourpermission,willPassbytowhereIhearherplaying。\"
\"Stay,\"
Isaid,\"onemoment,Vivian,ifyouplease;\"
Andsuddenlybereftofallmyease,Andscarcelyknowingwhattodoorsay,Confusedasanyschoolgirl,Iarose,Andsomewaymadeeachtotheotherknown。
Theybowed,shookhands,thenVivianturnedawayAndsoughtoutHelen,leavingusalone。
\"OneofMissTrevor’sorofMaurine’sbeaux?
Whichmayhebe,whocomethlikeaprinceWithhaughtybearingandaneagleeye?\"
Royqueried,laughing;andIanswered,\"SinceYousawhimpassmeforMissTrevor’sside,Ileaveyourowngoodjudgmenttoreply。\"
AndstraightwaycausedthetideoftalktoglideInotherchannels,strivingtodispelThesuddengloomthato’ermyspiritfell。
Wemortalsaresuchhypocritesatbest!
WhenConsciencetriesourcouragewithatest,Andpointstosomesteeppathway,wesetoutBoldly,denyinganyfearordoubt;
Butpausebeforethefirstrockintheway,And,lookingback,withtears,atConscience,say:
\"Wearesosad,dearConscience!forwewouldMostgladlydowhattotheeseemethgood;
Butlo!thisrock!wecannotclimbit,soThoumustpointoutsomeotherwaytogo。\"
Yetsecretlywearerejoicing:and,Whenrightbeforeourfaces,aswestandInseeminggrief,therockiscleftintwain,Leavingthepathwayclear,weshrinkinpain,And,lothtogo,byeveryactrevealWhatwesotriedfromConsciencetoconceal。
Isawthathour,thewaymadeplain,todoWithscarceaneffortwhathadseemedastrifeThatwouldrequirethestrengthofmywholelife。
Womenhavequickperceptions,andIknewThatVivian’sheartwasfullofjealouspain,Suspecting——nay,BELIEVING——RoyMontaineTobemylover。Firstmyalteredmien—
Andnexttheletter——thenthedoorwayscene—
MyflushedfacegazingintheoneaboveThatbentsonearme,andmystrangeconfusionWhenViviancameallledtooneconclusion:
ThatIhadbutbeenplayingwithhislove,AswomensometimescruellydoplayWithheartswhentheirtrueloversareaway。
TherecouldbenothingeasierthanjustTolethimlingeroninthisbeliefTillhourly—fedSuspicionandDistrustShouldturntoscornandangerallhisgrief。
Comparedwithme,sodoublysweetandpureWouldHelenseem,mypurposewouldbesureAndcertainofcompletionintheend。
Butnow,thewaywasmadesostraightandclear,Mycowardheartshrankbackinguiltyfear,TillConsciencewhisperedwithher\"stillsmallvoice,\"
\"Theprecioustimeispassing——makethychoice—
Resignthylove,orslaythytrustingfriend。\"
Thegrowingmoon,watchedbythemyriadeyesOfcountlessstars,wentsailingthroughtheskies,Likesomeyoungprince,risingtoruleanation,Towhomalleyesareturnedinexpectation。
AwomanwhopossessestactandartAndstrengthofwillcantakethehandofdoom,Andwalkon,smilingsweetlyasshegoes,Withrosylips,androundedcheeksofbloom,Cheatingaloud—tonguedworldthatneverknowsThepainandsorrowofherhiddenheart。
AndsoIjoinedinRoy’sbrightchangingchat;
Answeredhissallies——talkedofthisandthat,Mybrowunruffledasthecalm,stillwaveThattellsnotofthewreckedship,andthegraveBeneathitssurface。
Thenweheard,erelong,ThesoundofHelen’sgentlevoiceinsong,And,rising,enteredwherethesubtlepowerOfVivian’seyes,forgivingwhileaccusing,Findingmeweak,hadwonme,inthathour;
ButRoy,alwayspoliteanddebonairWhereladieswere,nowhungaboutmychairWithnamelessdelicateattentions,usingThatairdevotional,andthosesmallartsAcquaintancewithsocietyimpartsTomengallantbynature。
’TwasmysexAndnotmyselfhebowedto。HadmyplaceBeenfilledthateveningbyadowagerTwicehisownage,hewouldhavegivenherThesameattentions。ButtheyservedtovexWhateverhopeinVivian’sheartremained。
Thecold,whitelookcreptbackuponhisface,Whichtoldhowdeeplyhewashurtandpained。
LittlebylittleallthingshadconspiredTobringeventsIdreaded,yetdesired。
Wewereinconstantintercourse:walks,rides,Picnicsandsails,filledweeksofgoldenweather,Andalmosthourlywewerethrowntogether。
Nowordswerespokenofrebukeorscorn:
Goodfriendsweseemed。ButasagulfdividesThislandandthat,thoughlyingsidebyside,Sorolledagulfbetweenus——deepandwide—
Thegulfofdoubt,whichwidenedslowlymornAndnoonandnight。
FreeandinformalwereThesepicnicsandexcursions。Yet,althoughHelenandIwouldsometimeschoosetogoWithoutourescorts,leavingthemquitefree,IthappenedalwayRoywouldseekoutmeErepassedtheday,whileVivianwalkedwithher。
Ihadnothoughtofflirting。RoywasjustLikesomedearbrother,andIquiteforgotThekinshipwassodistantitwasnotSafetorelyuponinperfecttrust,Withoutreserveorcaution。Manyatime,Whentherewassomesteepmountain—sidetoclimbAndIgrewweary,hewouldsay,\"Maurine,Comerestyouhere。\"AndIwouldgoandleanMyheaduponhisshoulder,orwouldstandAndlethimholdinhismywillinghand,Thewhilehestrokeditgentlywithhisown。
OrIwouldlethimclaspmewithhisarm,Norentertainedathoughtofanyharm,NoroncesupposedbutVivianwasaloneInhissuspicions。ButerelongthetruthIlearnedinconsternation!bothAuntRuthAndHelenhonestly,infaith,believedThatRoyandIwerelovers。
Undeceived,SomecarelesswordsmightopenVivian’seyesAndspoilmyplans。Soreasoninginthiswise,ToalltheirsalliesIinjestreplied,Tonaughtassented,andyetnaughtdenied,WithRoyunchangedremaining,confidentEachunderstoodjustwhattheothermeant。
IfIgrewwearyofthisdoublepart,Andself—imposeddeceptioncausedmyheartSometimestoshrink,IneededbuttogazeOnHelen’sface:thatworealookethereal,AsifshedweltabovethethingsmaterialAndheldcommunionwiththeangels。SoIfedmystrengthandcouragethroughthedays。
WhattimetheharvestmoonrosefullandclearAndcastitsling’ringradianceontheearth,Wemadeafeast;andcalledfromfarandnear,Ourfriends,whocametosharethesceneofmirth。
Fairformsandfacesflittedtoandfro;
ButnonemoresweetthanHelen’s。Robedinwhite,Shefloatedlikeavisionthroughthedance。
Sofraillyfragileandsophantomfair,Sheseemedlikesomestrayspiritoftheair,AndwaspursuedbymanyananxiousglanceThatlookedtoseeherfadingfromthesightLikefiguresthatadreamerseesatnight。
Andnoblemenandgallantsgracedthescene:
YetnonemorenobleormoregrandofmienThanVivian——broadofchestandshoulder,tallAndfinelyformed,asanyGreciangodWhosehigh—archedfootonMountOlympustrod。
Hisclear—cutfacewasbeardless;and,likethoseSameGrecianstatues,whenincalmrepose,Wasitinhueandfeature。FramedinhairDarkandabundant;lightedbylargeeyesThatcouldbecoldassteelinwinterair,OrwarmandsunnyasItalianskies。
Wearyofmirthandmusic,andthesoundOftrippingfeet,Isoughtamoment’srestWithinthelib’ry,whereagroupIfoundOfguests,discussingwithapparentzestSomethemeofinterest——Vivian,nearthewhile,Leaningandlisteningwithhisslow,oddsmile。
\"Now,MissLaPelle,wewillappealtoyou,\"
CriedyoungGuySemple,asIentered。\"WeHavebeendiscussingrightbeforehisface,Allunrebukedbyhim,asyoumaysee,Apoemlatelypublishedbyourfriend:
Andwearequitedivided。IcontendThepoemisalibelanduntrue。
Iholdtheficklewomenarebutfew,ComparedwiththosewhoarelikeyonfairmoonThat,everfaithful,risesinherplaceWhethershe’sgreetedbytheflowersofJuneOrcoldanddrearystretchesofwhitespace。\"
\"Oh!\"criedanother,\"Mr。Dangerfield,Looktoyourlaurels!oryouneedsmustyieldThecrowntoSemple,who,’tisveryplain,HasmountedPegasusandgraspedhismane。\"
Alllaughed:andthen,asGuyappealedtome,Iansweredlightly,\"Myyoungfriend,IfearYouchoseamostunluckysimileToprovethetruthofwoman。ToherplaceThemoondoesrise——butwithadifferentfaceEachtimeshecomes。ButnowIneedsmusthearThepoemread,beforeIcanconsentTopassmyjudgmentonthesentiment。\"
AllclamouredthattheauthorwasthemanToreadthepoem:and,withtonesthatsaidMorethanthecutting,scornfulwordsheread,TakingthebookGuygavehim,hebegan:
HERLOVE。
ThesandsupontheoceansideThatchangeaboutwitheverytide,Andnevertruetooneabide,Awoman’sloveIlikento。
Thesummerzephyrs,lightandvain,ThatsingthesamealluringstrainToeverygrassbladeontheplain—
Awoman’sloveisnothingmore。
ThesunshineofanAprildayThatcomestowarmyouwithitsray,Butwhileyousmilehasflownaway—
Awoman’sloveisliketothis。
Godmadepoorwomanwithnoheart,Butgaveherskill,andtact,andart,Andsoshelives,andplaysherpart。
Wemustnotblame,butpityher。
Sheleanstoman——butjusttohearThepraisehewhispersinherear,Herself,nothim,sheholdethdear—
Oh,fool!tobedeceivedbyher。
TosateherselfishthirstshequaffsTheloveofstrongheartsinsweetdraughts,Thenthrowsthemlightlybyandlaughs,Tooweaktounderstandtheirpain。
AschangefulasthewindsthatblowFromeveryregion,toandfro,Devoidofheart,shecannotknowThesufferingofahumanheart。
Iknewthecold,fixedgazeofVivian’seyesSawtheslowcolourtomyforeheadrise;
Butlightlyanswered,toyingwithmyfan,\"Thatsentimentisverylikeaman!
Mencallusfickle,buttheydouswrong;
We’reonlyfrailandhelpless,menarestrong;
Andwhenlovedies,theytakethepoordeadthingAndmakeashroudoutoftheirsuffering,Anddragthecorpseaboutwiththemforyears。
Butwe?——wemournitforadaywithtears!
Andthenwerobeitforitslastlongrest,Andbeingwomen,feeblethingsatbest,Wecannotdigthegraveourselves。AndsoWecallstrong—limbedNewLovetolayitlow:
Immortalsextonhe!whomVenussendsTodothisserviceforherearthlyfriends,ThetrustyfellowdigsthegravesodeepNothingdisturbsthedeadlaidtheretosleep。\"
ThelaughthatfollowedhadnotdiedawayEreRoyMontainecameseekingmetosayThebandwastuningforourwaltz,andsoBacktotheball—roomboreme。IntheglowAndheatandwhirl,mystrengtherelongwasspent,AndIgrewfaintanddizzy,andwewentOutonthecoolmoonlightedportico,And,sittingthere,RoydrewmylanguidheadUpontheshelterofhisbreast,andbentHissmilingeyesuponme,ashesaid:
\"I’lltrythemesmerismofmytouchToworkacure:beveryquietnow,Andletmemakesomepasseso’eryourbrow。
Why,howitthrobs!you’veexercisedtoomuch!
Ishallnotletyoudanceagainto—night。\"
Justthenbeforeus,inthebroadmoonlight,Twoformsweremirrored:andIturnedmyfaceTocatchtheteasingandmischievousglanceOfHelen’seyes,as,heatedbythedance,LeaningonVivian’sarm,shesoughtthisplace。
\"Ibegyourpardon,\"cameinthatroundtoneOfhislowvoice。\"Ithinkwedointrude。\"
Bowing,theyturned,andleftusquitealoneEreIcouldspeakorchangemyattitude。
PARTV
AvisittoacavesomemilesawayWasnextinorder。So,onesunnyday,FourprancingsteedsconveyedalaughingloadOfmerrypleasure—seekerso’ertheroad。
Abasketpicnic,music,andcroquetWereintheprogramme。Skieswereblueandclear,AndcoolwindswhisperedoftheAutumnnear。
Themerry—makersfilledthetimewithpleasure:
Somefloatedtothemusic’srhythmicmeasure,Someplayed,somepromenadedonthegreen。
Tickedoffbyhappyhearts,themomentspassed。
Theafternoon,allglowandglimmer,came。
HelenandRoywereleadersofsomegame,AndVivianwasnotvisible。
\"Maurine,Ichallengeyoutoclimbyoncliffwithme!
Andwhoshalltire,orreachthesummitlastMustpayaforfeit,\"criedarompingmaid。
\"Come!startatonce,orownyouareafraid。\"
SochallengedImadereadyfortherace,DecidingfirsttheforfeitwastobeAhandsomepairofbooteestoreplaceThevictor’slosswhomadetheroughascent。
Thecliffwassteepandstony。OnwewentAseagerlyasifthepathwasFame,Andwhatweclimbedfor,gloryandaname。
Myhandswerebruised;mygarmentssadlyrent,ButonIclambered。SoonIheardacry,\"Maurine!Maurine!mystrengthiswhollyspent!
You’vewontheboots!I’mgoingback——good—bye!\"
Andbacksheturned,inspiteoflaughandjeer。
Ireachedthesummit:anditssolitude,Whereinnolivingcreaturedidintrude,Savesomesadbirdsthatwheeledandcirclednear,Ifoundfarsweeterthanthescenebelow。
AlonewithOnewhoknewmyhiddenwoe,IdidnotfeelsomuchaloneaswhenImixedwithth’unthinkingthrongsofmen。
Someflowersthatdeckedthebarren,sterileplaceIplucked,andreadthelessontheyconveyed,Thatinourlives,albeitdarkwithshadeAndroughandhardwithlabour,yetmaygrowTheflowersofPatience,Sympathy,andGrace。
AsIwalkedoninmeditativethought,Aserpentwrithedacrossmypathway;notAlargeordeadlyserpent;yetthesightFilledmewithghastlyterrorandaffright。
Ishriekedaloud:adarknessveiledmyeyes—
AndIfellfainting’neaththewatchfulskies。
Iwasnocoward。Country—bredandborn,IhadnofeelingbutthekeenestscornForthosefinelady\"ah’s\"and\"oh’s\"offearSomuchassumed(whenanymanisnear)。
ButGodimplantedineachhumanheartAnaturalhorror,andasicklydreadOfthataccursed,slimy,creepingthingThatsquirmsalimblesscarcasso’ertheground。
AndwherethatinbornloathingisnotfoundYou’llfindtheserpentqualitiesinstead。
Whofearsitnot,himselfisnextofkin,AndinhisbosomholdssometreacherousartWherebytocounteractitsvenomedsting。
AndallaresiredbySatan——ChiefofSin。
Wholoathesnotthatfoulcreatureofthedust,Howeverfairinseeming,Idistrust。
Iwokefrommyunconsciousness,toknowIleaneduponabroadandmanlybreast,AndVivian’svoicewasspeaking,softandlow,Sweetwhisperedwordsofpassion,o’erando’er。
Idarednotbreathe。HadIfoundEden’sshore?
Wasthisaforetasteofeternalbliss?
\"Mylove,\"hesighed,hisvoicelikewindsthatmoanBeforearaininSummer—time,\"myown,Foronesweetstolenmoment,lieandrestUponthisheartthatlovesandhatesyouboth!
Ofairfalseface!Whywereyoumadesofair!
OmouthofSouthernsweetness!thatripekissThathangsuponyou,IdotakeanoathHISlipsshallnevergather。There!——andthere!
Istealitfromhim。Areyouhis——allhis?
Nay,youaremine,thismoment,asIdreamed—
Blindfool——believingyouwerewhatyouseemed—
Youwouldbemineinalltheyearstocome。
Fairfiend!Iloveandhateyouinabreath。
OGod!ifthiswhitepallorwerebutDEATH,AndIwerestretchedbesideyou,coldanddumb,Myarmsaboutyou,so——infondembrace!
Mylipspressed,so——uponyourdyingface!\"
\"Woman,howdareyoubringmetosuchshame!
Howdareyoudrivemetoanactlikethis,TostealfromyourunconsciouslipsthekissYouluredmeontothinkmyrightfulclaim!
Ofrailandpunywoman!couldyouknowThedevilthatyouwakenintheheartsYousnareandbindinyourenticingarts,Thethin,palestuffthatinyourveinsdothflowWouldfreezeinterror。
StrangeyouhavesuchpowerTopleaseorpainus,poor,weak,soullessthings—
Devoidofpassionasasenselessflower!
Likebutterflies,youronlyboast,yourwings。
There,nowIscornyou——scornyoufromthishour,Andhatemyselfforhavingtalkedoflove!\"
Hepushedmefromhim。AndIfeltasthoseDoomedangelsmust,whenpearlygatesaboveAreclosedagainstthem。
WithafeignedsurpriseIstartedupandopenedwidemyeyes,Andlookedabout。TheninconfusionroseAndstoodbeforehim。
\"Pardonme,Ipray!\"
Hesaidquitecoldly。\"HalfanhouragoIleftyouwiththecompanybelow,Andsoughtthiscliff。Amomentsinceyoucried,Itseemed,insuddenterrorandalarm。
Icameintimetoseeyouswoonaway。
You’llneedassistancedowntheruggedsideOfthissteepcliff。Iprayyoutakemyarm。\"
So,formalandconstrained,wepassedalong,Rejoinedourfriends,andmingledwiththethrongTohavenofurtherspeechagainthatday。
Nextmorntherecameabulkydocument,ThelegalfirmofBlankandBlankhadsent,Containingnewsunlookedfor。AnestateWhichprovedacosyfortune——nowisegreatOrprincely——hadinFrancebeenlefttome,Mygrandsire’slastdescendant。AnditbroughtAsenseofjoyandfreedominthethoughtOfforeigntravel,whichIhopedwouldbeApanaceaformytroubledmind,ThatlongedtoleavetheoldenscenesbehindWithalltheirrecollections,andtofleeTosomestrangecountry。
IwasinsuchhasteToputbetweenmeandmynativelandThebrinyocean’sdesolatingwaste,IgaveAuntRuthnopeace,untilsheplannedTosailthatweek,twomonths:thoughshewasfainTowaituntiltheSpringtime。RoyMontaineWouldbeourguideandescort。
NoonedreamedThecauseofmystrangehurry,butallseemedTothinkgoodfortunehadquiteturnedmybrain。
OnebrightOctobermorning,whenthewoodsHaddonnedtheirpurplemantlesandredhoodsInhonouroftheFrostKing,Viviancame,Bringingsomegreenleaves,tippedwithcrimsonflame,—
FirsttrophiesoftheAutumntime。
AndRoyMadeaproposalthatweallshouldgoAndrambleintheforestforawhile。
ButHelensaidshewasnotwell——andsoMuststayathome。ThenVivian,withasmile,Responded,\"Iwillstayandtalktoyou,Andtheymaygo;\"atwhichhertwocheeksgrewLiketwinblushroses——dyedwithlove’sredwave,Herfairfaceshonetransfiguredwithgreatjoy。
AndViviansaw——andsuddenlywasgrave。
RoytookmyarminthatprotectingwayPeculiartosomemen,whichseemstosay,\"Ishieldmyown,\"amannerpleasing,e’enWhenweareconsciousthatitdoesnotmeanMorethanasimplecourtesy。AwomanWhoseheartiswhollyfeminineandhuman,Andnotunsexedbyhobbies,likestobeTheobjectofthattenderchivalry,Thatguardianshipwhichmanbestowsonher,Yetmixedwithdeference;asifshewereHalfchild,halfangel。
Thoughshemaybestrong,Nobleandself—reliant,notafraidToraiseherhandandvoiceagainstallwrongAndalloppression,yetifshebemade,Withalltheindependenceofherthought,Awomanwomanly,asGoddesigned,AlbeitshemayhaveasgreatamindAsman,herbrother,yethisstrengthofarm,Hismuscleandhisboldnessshehasnot,AndcannothavewithoutsheloseswhatIsfarmoreprecious,modestyandgrace。
So,walkingoninherappointedplace,Shedoesnotstrivetoapehim,norpretendButthatsheneedshimforaguideandfriend,Toshieldherwithhisgreaterstrengthfromharm。
Wereachedtheforest;wanderedtoandfroThroughmanyawindingpathanddimretreat,TillIgrewweary:whenIchoseaseatUponanoak—tree,whichhadbeenlaidlowBysomewindstorm,orbysomelightningstroke。
AndRoystoodjustbelowme,wheretheledgeOnwhichIsatslopedsteeplytotheedgeOfsunnymeadowslyingatmyfeet。
Onehandheldmine;theothergraspedalimbThatcastitscheckeredshadowsoverhim;
And,withhisheadthrownback,hisdarkeyesraisedAndfixeduponme,silentlyhegazedUntilI,smiling,turnedtohimandspoke:
\"Givewords,mycousin,tothosethoughtsthatrise,And,likedumbspirits,lookforthfromyoureyes。\"
ThesmoothandevendarknessofhischeekWasstainedonemomentbyaflushofred。
HeswayedhislitheformnearerashestoodStillclingingtothebranchabovehishead。
Hisbrillianteyesgrewdarker;andhesaid,Withsuddenpassion,\"Doyoubidmespeak?
Icannot,then,keepsilenceifIwould。
Thathatefulfortune,comingasitdid,Forbademyspeakingsooner;forIknewAharsh—tonguedworldwouldquicklymisconstrueMymotiveforameanerone。But,sweet,SobigmyhearthasgrownwithloveforyouIcannotshelteritorkeepithid。
AndsoIcastitthrobbingatyourfeet,Foryoutoguardandcherish,ortobreak。
Maurine,Iloveyoubetterthanmylife。
Myfriend——mycousin——bestillmore,mywife!
Maurine,Maurine,whatanswerdoyoumake?\"
Iscarcecouldbreatheforwonderment;andnumbWithtruththatfelltoosuddenly,satdumbWithsheeramaze,andstaredatRoywitheyesThatlookednofeelingbutcompletesurprise。
Heswayedsonearhisbreathwasonmycheek。
\"Maurine,Maurine,\"hewhispered,\"willyouspeak?\"
Thensuddenly,aso’ersomemagicglassOnepictureinascoreofshapeswillpass,IseemedtoseeRoyglidebeforemygaze。
First,astheplaymateofmyearlierdays—
Next,asmykin——andthenmyvaluedfriend,Andlast,mylover。AswhencoloursblendInsomeunlooked—forgroupbeforeoureyes,Weholdtheglass,andlookthemo’erando’er,SonowIgazedonRoyinhisnewguise,Inwhichhene’erappearedtomebefore。
Hisformwaslikeapanther’sinitsgrace,Solitheandsupple,andofmediumheight,Andgarbedinalltheeleganceoffashion。
Hislargeblackeyeswerefulloffireandpassion,Andinexpressionfearless,firm,andbright。
Hishairwasliketheverydeepsofnight,Andhunginravenclusters’roundafaceOfdarkandflashingbeauty。
HewasmoreLikesomeromanticmaiden’sgrandidealThanlikeacommonbeing。AsIgazedUponthehandsomefacetomineupraised,Isawbeforeme,living,breathing,real,Theheroofmyearlyday—dreams:thoughSofullmyheartwaswiththatclear—cutface,Which,allunlike,yetclaimedthehero’splace,Ihadnotrecognisedhimsobefore,Orthoughtofhim,saveasavaluedfriend。
SonowIcalledhim,adding,\"Foolishboy!
EachwordofloveyouutteraimsablowAtthatsweettrustIhadreposedinyou。
IwassocertainIhadfoundatrue,Steadfastmanfriend,onwhomIcoulddepend,Andgoonwhollytrustingtotheend。
Whydidyoushattermydelusion,Roy,Byturningtoalover?\"
\"Why,indeed!
BecauseIlovedyoumorethananybrother,Oranyfriendcouldlove。\"ThenhebeganToarguelikealawyer,andtopleadWithallhiseloquence。And,listening,IstrovetothinkitwasagoodlythingTobesofondlylovedbysuchaman,Anditwerebesttogivehiswooingheed,Andnotdenyhim。Thenbeforemyeyes,Inallitsclear—cutmajesty,thatotherHaughtyandpoet—handsomefacewouldriseAndrobmypurposeofalllifeandstrength。
Royurgedandargued,asRoyonlycould,Withthatimpetuous,boyisheloquence。
Heheldmyhands,andvowedImust,andshouldGivesomeleasthope;till,inmyowndefence,Iturneduponhim,andrepliedatlength:
\"Ithankyouforthenobleheartyouoffer:
Butitdeservesatrueoneinexchange。
IcouldloveyouifIlovednotanotherWhokeepsmyheart;soIhavenonetoproffer。\"
Then,seeinghowhisdarkeyesflashed,Isaid:
\"DearRoy!Iknowmywordsseemverystrange;
ButIloveoneIcannothopetowed。
Ariverrollsbetweenus,darkanddeep。
Tocrossit——weretostainwithbloodmyhand。
YouforcemyspeechonwhatIfainwouldkeepInmyownbosom,butyouunderstand?
Myheartisgiventolovethat’ssanctified,Andnowcanfeelnoother。
Beyoukind,DearRoy,mybrother!speakofthisnomore,LestpleadinganddenyingshoulddivideTheheartssolongunited。LetmefindInyoumycousinandmyfriendofyore。
Andnowcomehome。Themorning,alltoosoonAndunperceived,hasmeltedintonoon。
Helenwillmissus,andwemustreturn。\"
Hetookmyhand,andhelpedmetoarise,Smilinguponmewithhissad,darkeyes,Wherepassion’sfireshad,sudden,ceasedtoburn。
\"Andso,\"hesaid,\"toosoonandunforeseenMyfriendshipmeltedintolove,Maurine。
But,sweet!IamnotwhollyintheblameForwhatyoutermmyfolly。Youforgot,Solongwe’dknowneachother,IhadnotIntruthabrother’soracousin’sclaim。
ButIremembered,whenthrougheverynerveYourlightesttouchwentthrilling;andbeganToloveyouwiththathumanloveofmanForcomelywoman。Byyourcoaxingarts,Youwonyourwayintomyheartofhearts,AndallPlatonicfeelingsputtorout。
AmaidshouldneverlayasidereserveWithonewho’snotherkinsman,outandout。
Butaswenow,withmeasuredsteps,retraceThepathwecame,e’ensomyheartI’llsend,Atyourcommand,backtotheoldenplace,Andstrivetoloveyouonlyasafriend。\"
Ifeltthejusticeofhismildreproof,Butanswered,laughing,\"’Tisthesameoldcry:
’Thewomantemptedme,andIdideat。’
SinceAdam’stimewe’veheardit。ButI’lltryAndbemoreprudent,sir,andholdaloofThefruitIneveroncehadthoughtsosweet’Twouldtemptyouany。Nowgodressfordinner,Thousinnedagainst!asalsowillthesinner。
Andguardeachact,thatnoleastlookbetrayWhat’spassedbetweenus。\"
ThenIturnedawayAndsoughtmyroom,lowhummingsomeoldairThatceaseduponthethreshold;formineeyesFellonafacesoglorifiedandfairAllothersenses,mergedinthatofsight,WerelostincontemplationofthebrightAndwond’rouspicture,whichhadotherwiseMadedimmyvision。
Waitinginmyroom,HerwholefacelitasbyaninwardflameThatsheditshalo’roundher,Helenstood;
Herfairhandsfoldedlikealily’sleavesWeigheddownbyhappydewsofsummereves。
UponhercheekthecolourwentandcameAssunlightflickerso’erabedofbloom;
And,likesomeslimyoungsaplingofthewood,Herslenderformleanedslightly;andherhairFell’roundherloosely,inlongcurlingstrandsAllunconfined,andasbylovinghandsTossedintobrightconfusion。
Standingthere,Herstarryeyesuplifted,shedidseemLikesomeunearthlycreatureofadream;
Untilshestartedforward,glidingslowly,Andbrokethebreathlesssilence,speakinglowly,Asonegrownmeek,andhumbleinanhour,Bowingbeforesomenewandmightypower。
\"Maurine,Maurine!\"shemurmured,andagain,\"Maurine,myownsweetfriend,Maurine!\"
Andthen,Layingherlove—lighthandsuponmyhead,Sheleaned,andlookedintomyeyes,andsaidWithvoicethatboreherjoyinev’rytone,AswindsthatblowacrossagardenbedAreweighedwithfragrance,\"Heisminealone,AndIamhis——allhis——hisveryown。
Sopledgedthishour,bythatmostsacredtieSaveonebeneathGod’sover—archingsky。
Icouldnotwaittotellyouofmybliss:
Iwantyourblessing,sweetheart!andyourkiss。\"
Sohidingmyheart’stroublewithasmile,Ileanedandkissedherdaintymouth;thewhileIfeltaguilt—joy,asofsomesweetsin,Whenmylipsfellwherehissolatehadbeen。
AndalldaylongIboreaboutwithmeAsenseofshame——yetmixedwithsatisfaction,Assomestarvedchildmightstealaloaf,andbeSadwiththeguiltresultingfromheraction,Whileyetthemorselinhermouthwassweet。
Thatev’ningwhenthehousehadsettleddownTosleepandquiet,tomyroomtherecreptAlitheyoungform,robedinalongwhitegown:
Withstepslikefallofthistle—downshecame,Hermouthsmile—wreathed;and,breathinglowmyname,Nestledingracefulbeautyatmyfeet。
\"Sweetheart,\"shemurmuredsoftly,\"ereIsleep,Ineedsmusttellyouallmytaleofjoy。
Beginningwhereyouleftus——youandRoy。
YousawthecolourflameuponmycheekWhenVivianspokeofstaying。Sodidhe;—
And,whenwewerealone,hegazedatmeWithsuchastrangelookinhiswond’rouseyes。
Thesilencedeepened;andItriedtospeakUponsomecommontopic,butcouldnot,Myheartwasinsuchtumult。
InthiswiseFivehappymomentsglidedbyus,fraughtWithhoursoffeeling。Vivianroseupthen,Andcameandstoodbyme,andstrokedmyhair。
And,inhislowvoice,o’erando’eragain,Said,’Helen,littleHelen,frailandfair。’
Thentookmyface,andturnedittothelight,Andlookinginmyeyes,andseeingwhatWasshiningfromthem,murmured,sweetandlow,’Deareyes,youcannotveilthetruthfromsight。
Youloveme,Helen!answer,isitso?’
AndImadeanswerstraightway,’WithmylifeAndsoulandstrengthIloveyou,Omylove!’
Heleanedandtookmegentlytohisbreast,Andsaid,’HerethenthisdaintyheadshallrestHenceforthforever:Omylittledove!
Mylily—bud——myfragileblossom—wife!’
AndthenItoldhimallmythoughts;andheListened,withkissesforhiscomments,tillMytalewasfinished。Thenhesaid,’IwillBefrankwithyou,mydarling,fromthestart,Andhidenosecretfromyouinmyheart。
Iloveyou,Helen,butyouarenotfirstTorousethatlovetobeing。ErewemetIlovedawomanmadly——neverdreamingShewasnotallintruthshewasinseeming。
Enough!sheprovedtobethatthingaccursedOfGodandman——awilyvaincoquette。
Ihatemyselfforhavinglovedher。YetSomuchmyheartspentonher,itmustgiveAlovelessardent,andlessprodigal,Albeitjustastenderandastrue—
Amilder,yetafaithfullovetoyou。
JustassomeevilfortunemightbefallAman’sgreatriches,causinghimtoliveInsomelowcot,allunpretending,stillAsmuchhishome——asmuchhislovedretreat,Aswastheprincelypalaceonthehill,E’ensoIgiveyouallthat’sleft,mysweet!
Ofmyheart—fortune。’
’Thatweremoretome,’
Imadeswiftsmilinganswer,’thantobeTheworshippedconsortofaking。’AndsoOurfaithwaspledged。ButVivianwouldnotgoUntilIvowedtowedhimNewYearday。
AndIamsadbecauseyougoawayBeforethattime。IshallnotfeelhalfwedWithoutyouhere。Postponeyourtripandstay,Andbemybridesmaid。\"
\"Nay,Icannot,dear!
’Twoulddisarrangeourplansforhalfayear。
I’llbeinEuropeNewYearday,\"Isaid,\"Andsendcongratulationsbythecable。\"
AndfrommysoulthankedProvidenceforsparingThepain,tome,ofsharingin,andwearing,Thefestalgarmentsofaweddingscene,Whileallmyheartwashungwithsorrow’ssable。
Forgettingforaseason,thatbetweenThecupandlipliesmanyachanceofloss,Ilivedinmynearfuture,confidentAllwouldbeasIplannedit;and,acrossThebrinywasteofwaters,IshouldfindSomebalmandcomfortformytroubledmind。
ThesadFalldays,likemaidensauburn—tressedAndamber—eyed,inpurplegarmentsdressed,Passedby,anddroppedtheirtearsuponthetombOffairQueenSummer,buriedinherbloom。
Royleftusforatime,andHelenwentTomakethenuptialpreparations。Then,AuntRuthcomplainedonedayoffeelingill:
Herveinsranredwithfever;andtheskillOftwophysicianscouldnotstemthetide。
Thehouse,thatrangsolatewithlaughandjest,Grewghostlywithlowwhisperedsounds:andwhenTheAutumnday,thatIhadthoughttobeBoundinguponthebillowsofthesea,Camesobbingin,itfoundmepaleandworn,StrivingtokeepawaythatunlovedguestWhocomesunbidden,makingheartstomourn。
ThroughalltheanxiousweeksIwatchedbesideThesuff’rer’scouch,Roywasmyhelpandstay;
Otherswerekind,buthealoneeachdayBroughtstrengthandcomfort,byhischeerfulface,Andhopefulwords,thatfellinthatsadplaceLikeraysoflightuponadarkenedway。
Novemberpassed;andWinter,crispandchill,Inrobesoferminewalkedonplainandhill。
ReturninglightandlifedispelledthegloomThatcheatedDeathhadbroughtusfromthetomb。
AuntRuthwassaved,andslowlygettingbetter—
Wasdressedeachday,andwalkedabouttheroom。
ThencameonemorningintheEasternmail,Alittlewhite—wingedbirdlingofaletter。
Ibrokethesealandread,\"Maurine,myown!
IhearAuntRuthisbetter,andamglad。
Ifeltsosorryforyou;andsosadTothinkIleftyouwhenIdid——aloneTobearyourpainandworry,andthosenightsOfweary,anxiouswatching。
VivianwritesYourplansarechangednow,andyouwillnotsailBeforetheSpringtime。Soyou’llcomeandbeMybridesmaid,darling!Donotsaymenay。
Butthreeweeksmoreofgirlhoodlefttome。
Come,ifyoucan,justtwoweeksfromto—day,Andmakeyourpreparationshere。Mysweet!
IndeedIamnotgladAuntRuthwasill—
I’msorryshehassufferedso;andstillI’mthankfulsomethinghappened,soyoustayed。
I’msuremyweddingwouldbeincompleteWithoutyourpresence。Selfish,I’mafraidYou’llthinkyourHelen。ButIloveyouso,HowcanIbequitewillingyoushouldgo?
ComeChristmasEve,orearlier。Letmeknow,AndIwillmeetyou,dearie!atthetrain。
Yourhappy,lovingHelen。\"
ThenthepainThat,hiddenunderlaterpainandcare,Hadmadenomoan,butsilent,seemedtosleep,Wokefromitstrance—likelethargy,tosteepMytorturedheartinanguishanddespair。
IhadreliedtoofullyonmyskillInbendingcircumstancestomywill:
AndnowIwasrebukedandmadetoseeThatGodaloneknowethwhatistobe。
ThencameamessengerfromVivian,whoCamenothimself,ashewaswonttodo,ButsenthisservanteachnewdaytobringAkindlymessage,oranofferingOfjuicyfruitstocoolthelipsoffever,Ordaintyhot—houseblossoms,withtheirbloomTobrightenuptheconvalescent’sroom。
ButnowtheservantonlybroughtalineFromVivianDangerfieldtoRoyMontaine,\"DearSir,andFriend\"——inlettersboldandplain,Writtenoncream—whitepaper,soitran:
\"ItisthewillandpleasureofMissTrevor,Andthereforedoublysoawishofmine,ThatyoushallhonourmenextNewYearEve,Myweddinghour,bystandingasbestman。
MissTrevorhassixbridesmaidsIbelieve。
Beingmyselfanoviceintheart—
IfIshouldfailinactingwellmypart,I’llneedprotection’gainsttheregimentOfoutragedladies。So,Ipray,consentTostandbymeintimeofneed,andshieldYourfriendsincerely,VivianDangerfield。\"
Thelastleasthopehadvanished;Imustdrain,E’entothedregs,thisbittercupofpain。
PARTVI
Therewasaweekofbustleandofhurry;
Astatelyhomeechoedtovoicessweet,Calling,replying;andtotrippingfeetOfbusybridesmaids,runningtoandfro,WithallthatgirlishflutteringandflurryPrecedingsuchoccasions。
Helen’sroomWaslikealily—garden,allinbloom,Deckedwiththedaintyrobesofhertrousseau。
Myrobewasfashionedbyswift,skilfulhands—
Athingofbeauty,elegantandrich,Amysteryofloopings,puffsandbands;
AndasIwatcheditgrowing,stitchbystitch,IfeltasonemightfeelwhoshouldbeholdWithvisiontrance—like,wherehisbodylayIndeathlyslumber,simulatingclay,Hisgrave—clothsewedtogether,foldonfold。
Ilivedwithev’rynerveuponthestrain,Asmengointobattle;andthepain,That,moreandmore,tomysadheartrevealedGrewghastlywithitshorrors,wasconcealedFrommortaleyesbysuperhumanpower,ThatGodbestoweduponme,hourbyhour。
WhatnighttheOldYeargaveuntotheNewThekeyofhumanhappinessandwoe,Thepointedstars,upontheirfieldofblue,Shone,whiteandperfect,o’eraworldbelow,Ofsnow—cladbeauty;allthetreesweredressedIngleaminggarments,deckedwithdiadems,Eachseeminglikeabridal—biddenguest,Comingo’erladenwithagiftofgems。
Thebustleofthedressing—room;thesoundOfeagervoicesindiscourse;theclangOf\"sweetbellsjangled\";thudofsteel—cladfeetThatbeatswiftmusiconthefrozenground—
Allblenttogetherinmybrain,andrangAmedleyofstrangenoises,incomplete,Andfullofdiscords。
ThenoutonthenightStreamedfromtheopenvestibule,alightThatlitthevelvetblossomswhichwetrod,Withallthehuesofthosethatdeckthesod。
ThegrandcathedralwindowswereablazeWithgorgeouscolours;throughaseaofbloom,Upthelongaisle,tojointhewaitinggroom,Thebridalcortegepassed。
AssomelostsoulMightsurgeonwiththecuriouscrowd,togazeUponitscoffinedbody,soIwentWiththatgladfestalthrong。TheorgansentGreatwavesofmelodyalongtheair,Thatbrokeandfell,inliquiddrops,likespray,Onhappyheartsthatlistened。ButtomeItsoundedfaintly,asifmilesaway,Atroubledspirit,sittingindespairBesidethesadandever—moaningsea,Gaveutterancetosighingsoundsofdole。
Wepausedbeforethealtar。Framedinflowers,Thewhite—robedmanofGodstoodforth。
IheardThesolemnserviceopen;throughlonghoursIseemedtostandandlisten,whileeachwordFellonmyearasfallsthesoundofclayUponthecoffinoftheworshippeddead。
Thestatelyfathergavethebrideaway:
ThebridegroomcircledwithagoldenbandThetaperfingerofherdaintyhand。
Thelastimposing,bindingwordsweresaid—
\"WhatGodhasjoinedletnomanputasunder\"—
Andallmystrifewithselfwasatanend;
Myloverwasthehusbandofmyfriend。
Howstrangely,insomeawfulhourofpain,Externaltrifleswithoursorrowsblend!
Ineverhearthemightyorgan’sthunder,Inevercatchthescentofheliotrope,Norseestainedwindowsallablazewithlight,Withoutthatdizzywhirlingofthebrain,Andalltheghastlyfeelingofthatnight,Whenmysickheartrelinquishedloveandhope。
Thepainwefeelsokeenlymaydepart,Ande’enitsmemoryceasetohaunttheheart:
Butsomeslightthing,aperfume,orasoundWillprobetheclosedrecessesofthewound,Andforamomentbringtheold—timesmart。
Congratulations,kisses,tearsandsmiles,Good—byesandfarewellsgiven;thenacrossThesnowywasteofwearywintrymiles,Backtomygirlhoods’home,where,througheachroom,ForevermorepalephantomsofdelightShouldaimlesswander,alwaysinmysight,Pointing,withghostlyfingers,tothetombWetwiththetearsoflivingpainandloss。
Thesleeplessnightsofwatchingandofcare,Followedbythatoneweekofkeenestpain,Taxingmyweakenedsystem,andmybrain,Broughtonaling’ringillness。
Daybyday,Inthatstrange,apatheticstateIlay,Ofmentalandofphysicaldespair。
Ihadnopain,nofever,andnochill,Butlaywithoutambition,strength,orwill。
Knowingnowishforanythingbutrest,Whichseemed,ofallGod’sstoreofgifts,thebest。
Physicianscameandshooktheirheadsandsighed;
AndtotheirscoreofquestionsIreplied,Withbutonelanguidanswer,o’erando’er,\"Iamsoweary——weary——nothingmore。\"
Islept,anddreamedIwassomefeatheredthing,Flyingthroughspacewithever—achingwing,SeekingashipcalledRestallsnowywhite,Thatsailedandsailedbeforeme,justinsight,Butalwaysoneunchangingdistancekept,AndwokemorewearythanbeforeIslept。
Islept,anddreamedIrantowinaprize,Ahandfromheavenhelddownbeforemyeyes。
AlleagernessIsoughtit——itwasgone,Butshoneinallitsbeautyfartheron。
Iran,andran,andran,ineagerquestOfthatgreatprize,whereonwaswritten\"Rest,\"
Whicheverjustbeyondmyreachdidgleam,Andwakeneddoublywearywithmydream。
IdreamedIwasacrystaldropofrain,Thatsawasnow—whitelilyontheplain,Andleftthecloudtonestleinherbreast。
Ifellandfell,butnevermorefoundrest—
Ifellandfell,butfoundnostoppingplace,Throughleaguesandleaguesofnever—endingspace,Whilespaceillimitablestretchedbefore。
Andallthesedreamsbutweariedmethemore。
Familiarvoicessoundedinmyroom—
AuntRuth’s,andRoy’s,andHelen’s:buttheyseemedApartofsomestrangefancyIhaddreamed,Andnowremembereddimly。
Wrappedingloom,Mymind,o’ertaxed,lostholdoftimeatlast,Ignoreditsfuture,andforgotitspast,Andgropedalongthepresent,asalight,Carried,uncovered,throughthefogsofnight,Willflickerfaintly。
ButIfelt,atlength,WhenMarchwindsbroughtvaguerumoursofthespring,Acertainsenseof\"restlessnesswithrest。\"
Myachingframewaswearyofrepose,Andwantedaction。
Thenslow—creepingstrengthCamebackwithMem’ry,handinhand,tobringAndlayuponmysoreandbleedingbreast,Grim—visagedRecollection’sthornyrose。
Igained,andfailed。Onedaycouldrideandwalk,Thenextwouldfindmeprostrate:whileaflockOfghostlythoughts,likephantombirds,wouldflitAboutthechambersofmyheart,orsit,Palespectresofthepast,withfoldedwings,Perched,silently,uponthevoicelessstrings,ThatonceresoundedtoHope’shappylays。
Sopassedtheever—changingAprildays。
WhenMaycame,lightsomefooted,o’erthelea,AccompaniedbykindAuntRuthandRoy,Ibadefarewelltohomewithsecretjoy,Andturnedmywanfaceeastwardtothesea。
Royplannedourrouteoftravel:foralllandsWereonetohim。OrEgypt’sburningsands,OrAlpsofSwitzerland,orstatelyRome,Allwerefamiliarasthefieldsofhome。
Therewasayearofwand’ringtoandfro,Likerestlessspirits;scalingmountainheights;
Dwellingamongthecountless,raredelightsOflandshistoric;turningdustypages,StampedwiththetragediesofmightyagesGazinguponthescenesofbloodyacts,Ofkingslongburied——bare,unvarnishedfacts,Surpassingwildestfictionsofthebrain;
Rubbingagainstallpeople,highandlow,AndbythiscontactfeelingSelftogrowSmallerandlessimportant,andtheveinOfhumankindnessdeeper,seeingGod,Untothehumbledelverofthesod,Andtotherulingmonarchonthethrone,Hasgivenhope,ambition,joy,andpain,Andthatallheartshavefeelingslikeourown。
Thereisnoschoolthatdisciplinesthemind,Andbroadensthought,likecontactwithmankind。
Thecollege—prisonedgraybeard,whohasburnedThemidnightlamp,andbook—boundknowledgelearned,TillsciencesorclassicsholdnoloreHehasnotconnedandstudied,o’erando’er,Isbutababeinwisdom,whencomparedWithsomeunletteredwand’rer,whohassharedThehospitalitiesofeveryland;
Felttouchofbrotherineachprofferedhand;
Mademanhisstudy,andtheworldhiscollege,Andgainedthisgrandepitomeofknowledge:
Eachhumanbeinghasaheartandsoul,Andselfisbutanatomofthewhole。
IholdheisbestlearnedandmostwiseWhobestandmostcanloveandsympathize。
Book—wisdommakesusvainandself—contained;
Ourbandedmindsgoroundinlittlegrooves;
ButconstantfrictionwiththeworldremovesTheseironfoestofreedom,andweriseTogranderheights,and,alluntrammelled,findAbetteratmosphereandclearerskies;
Andthroughitsbroadenedrealm,nolongerchained,Thoughttravelsfreely,leavingSelfbehind。
Where’erwechancedtowanderortoroam,GladletterscamefromHelen;happythings,Likelittlebirdsthatfollowedonswiftwings,Bringingtheirtendermessagesfromhome。
Herdayswerepoems,beautiful,complete。
Therhythmperfect,andtheburdensweet。
Shewassohappy——happy,andsoblest。
Myhearthadfoundcontentmentinthatyear。
Withhealthrestored,mylifeseemedfullofcheerTheheartofyouthturnsevertothelight;
Sorrowandgloommaycurtainitlikenight,But,initsveryanguishandunrest,Itbeatsandtearsthepall—likefoldsaway,Andfindsagainthesunlightoftheday。
Andyet,despitethechangeswithoutmeasure,Despitesight—seeing,roundonroundofpleasure;
Despitenewfriends,newsuitors,stillmyheartWasconsciousofasomethinglacking,whereLoveoncehaddwelt,andafterwarddespair。
Nowlovewasburied;anddespairhadflownBeforethehealthfulzephyrsthathadblownFromheightssereneandlofty;andtheplaceWherebothhaddweltwasempty,voicelessspace。
AndsoItookmylong—lovedstudy,art,Thedrearyvacuuminmylifetofill,Andworked,andlaboured,witharightgoodwill。
AuntRuthandItookroomsinRome;whileRoyLingeredinScotland,withhisnew—foundjoy。
Adaintylittlelassie,GraceKildare,Hadsnaredhiminherflossy,flaxenhair,Andmadehimcaptive。
Wewerethrown,bychance,IncontactwithherpeoplewhileinFranceThepreviousseason:shewaswhollysweetAndfairandgentle;sonaive,andyetSowomanly,shewasatoncethepetOfallourparty;and,eremanydays,Wonbyherfreshface,andherartlessways,Royfellahelplesscaptiveatherfeet。
HerhomewasintheHighlands;andshecameOfgoodoldstock,offairuntarnishedfame。
ThroughallthesemonthsRoyhadbeentrueassteel;
AndbyhiseveryactionmademefeelHewasmyfriendandbrother,andnomore,Thesamebig—souledandtrustyfriendofyore。
Yet,inmysecretheart,IwishedIknewWhetherthelovehefeltonetimewasdead,Oronlyhidden,formysake,fromview。
Sowhenhecametomeoneday,andsaid,ThevelvetblacknessofhiseyesashineWithlightofloveandtriumph:\"Cousin,mine,Congratulateme!ShewhomIadoreHaspledgedtomethepromiseofherhand;
HerheartIhavealready,\"IwasgladWithdoublegladness,foritfreedmymindOffearthathe,insecret,mightbesad。
FromMarchtillJunehadlefthermoonsbehind,Andmergedherrose—redbeautyinJuly,Therewasnomessagefrommynativeland。
Thencameafewbrieflines,byVivianpenned:
DeathhadbeenneartoHelen,butpassedby;
Thedangerwasnowover。Godwaskind;
Themotherandthechildwerebothalive;
NootherchildwaseverknowntothriveAsthrovethisone,nursehadbeenheardtosay。
Theinfantwasawonder,everyway。
And,atcommandofHelen,hewouldsendAlockofbaby’sgoldenhairtome。
AnddidI,onmyhonour,everseeSuchhairbefore?Helenwouldwrite,erelong:
Shegainedquiteslowly,butwouldsoonbestrong—
Strongerthanever,sothedoctorssaid。
Itookthetinyringlet,golden——fair,MayhaphishandhadseveredfromtheheadOfhisownchild,andpressedittomycheekAndtomylips,andkissedito’erando’er。
Allmymaternalinstinctsseemedtorise,Andclamourfortheirrights,whilemyweteyesRainedtearsuponthesilkentressofhair。
Thewomanstruggledwithherheartbefore!
Itwasthemotherinmenowdidspeak,Moaning,likeRachel,thatherbabeswerenot,Andcryingoutagainstherbarrenlot。
OnceIbemoanedthelongandlonelyyearsThatstretchedbeforeme,darkwithlove’seclipse;
AndthoughthowmyunmatedheartwouldmissTheshelterofabroadandmanlybreast—
Thestrong,boldarm——thetenderclingingkiss—
Andallpurelove’spossessions,manifold;
ButnowIweptafloodofbittertears,Thinkingoflittleheadsofshininggold,Thatwouldnotonmybosomsinktorest;
Oflittlehandsthatwouldnottouchmycheek;
Oflittlelispingvoices,andsweetlips,Thatneverinmylist’ningearwouldspeakTheblessednameofmother。
Oh,inwomanHowmightyistheloveofoffspring!EreUntoherwond’ring,untaughtmindunfoldsThemyst’rythatishalfdivine,halfhuman,Oflifeandbirth,theloveofunbornsoulsWithinher,andthemother—yearningcreepsThroughherwarmheart,andstirsitshiddendeeps,Andgrowsandstrengthenswitheachriperyear。
Asstormsmaygatherinaplacidsky,Andspendtheirfury,andthenpassaway,Leavingagaintheblueofcloudlessday,E’ensothetempestofmygriefpassedby。
’TwasweaktomournforwhatIhadresigned,Withthedeliberatepurposeofmymind,Tomysweetfriend。
Relinquishingmylove,Igavemydearesthopeofjoytoher。
IfGod,fromoutHisboundlessstoreabove,Hadchosenaddedblessingstoconfer,Iwouldrejoice,forhersake——notrepineThatth’immortaltreasureswerenotmine。
Bettermylonelysorrow,thantoknowMyselfishjoyhadbeenanother’swoe;
Bettermygriefandmystrengthtocontrol,Thanthedespairofherfrail—bodiedsoul;
Bettertogoon,loveless,totheend,Thanwearlove’srose,whosethornhadslainmyfriend。
Workisthesalvethathealsthewoundedheart。
WithwillmostresoluteIsetmyaimToenteronthewearyraceforFame,AndifIfailedtoclimbthedizzyheight,Toreachsomepointofexcellenceinart。
E’enastheMakerheldearthincomplete,Tillmanwasformed,andplaceduponthesod,Theperfect,livingimageofhisGod,Alllandscapesceneswerelackinginmysight,Whereinthehumanfigurehadnopart。
Inthat,alllinesofsymmetrydidmeet—
Allhuesofbeautymingle。SoIbroughtEnthusiasminabundance,thought,Muchstudy,andsometalent,daybyday,TohelpmeinmyeffortstoportrayThewond’rouspower,majestyandgraceStampedonsomeform,orlookingfromsomeface。
Thiswastobemyspecialty:TotakeHumanemotionformytheme,andmakeTheunassistedformdivineexpressAngerorSorrow,Pleasure,Pain,Distress;
AndthustobuildFame’smonumentaboveThegraveofmydepartedhopeandlove。
ThisisnotGenius。GeniusspreadsitswingsAndsoarsbeyonditself,orselfishthings。
Talenthasneedofstepping—stones:somecross,Somecheatedpurpose,somegreatpainorloss,Mustlaythegroundwork,andarouseambition,Beforeitlaboursonwardtofruition。
But,asthelarkfrombedsofbloomwillriseAndsailandsingamongtheveryskies,Stillmountingnearandnearertothelight,Impelledwings,toheightssublime。
Impelledalonebyloveofupwardflight,SoGeniussoars——itdoesnotneedtoclimb—
Somesportman’sshot,grazingthesinger’sthroat,Somevenomousassaultofbirdsofprey,Mayspeeditsflighttowardtherealmofday,Andtingewithtriumpheveryliquidnote。
SodeathlessGeniusmountsbuthigheryet,WhenStrifeandEnvythinktoslayorfret。
ThereisnobalkingGenius。OnlydeathCansilenceit,orhinder。Whilethere’sbreathOrsenseoffeeling,itwillspurnthesod,Andliftitselftoglory,andtoGod。
Theacornsprouted——weedsnorflowerscanchokeThecertaingrowthofth’upreachingoak。
Talentwasmine,notGenius;andmymindSeemedboundbychains,andwouldnotleavebehindItsselfishloveandsorrow。
DidIstriveTopicturesomeemotion,lo!HISeyes,Ofemeraldbeauty,darkasoceandyes,Lookedfromthecanvas:andmyburiedpainRosefromitsgrave,andstoodbymealive。
Whate’ermysubject,insomehueorline,Thegloriousbeautyofhisfacewouldshine。
Soforatimemylabourseemedinvain,Sinceitbutfreshened,andmadekeeneryet,Thegriefmyheartwasstrivingtoforget。
WhileinhisformallstrengthandmagnitudeWithgraceandsupplesinewswereentwined,WhileinhisfaceallbeautieswerecombinedOfperfectfeatures,intellectandtruth,Withallthatfinerichcolouringofyouth,HowcouldmybrushportrayaughtgoodorfairWhereinnofatallikenessshouldintrudeOfhimmysoulhadworshipped?
But,atlast,Settingawatchuponmyunwiseheart,Thatthuswouldmixitssorrowwithmyart,Iresolutelyshutawaythepast,AndmadethetoilsomepresentpassingbrightWithdreamsofwhatwashiddenfrommysightInthefardistantfuture,whenthesoilShouldyieldmegoldenfruitforallmytoil。