Butwhenthelieutenant——suchabig，brave，gentlegiant——rosetohisfeet，hedeliveredwhatseemedtomeasthespeechoftheevening。Iremembernearlythewholeofit，anditransome—thinginthisway：——\"Gentlemen——It’sverygoodofyoutogivemethisdinnerandtotellmealltheseprettythings，butwhatIwantyoutounderstand——thefactis，whatwewantandwhatweoughttogetatonce，isanavy——moreships——lotsof’em——\"
Thenwehowledthetopoftheroofoff，andIforonefellinlovewithCarlinonthespot。Wallah!Hewasaman。
Theprinceamongmerchantsbidmetakenoheedtothewarlikesentimentsofsomeoftheoldgenerals。
\"Thesky—rocketsarethrowninforeffect，\"quothhe，\"andwheneverwegetonourhindlegswealwaysexpressadesiretochawupEngland。It’sasortoffamilyaffair。\"
And，indeed，whenyoucometothinkofit，thereisnoothercountryfortheAmericanpublicspeakertotrampleupon。
FrancehasGermany；wehaveRussia；forItalyAustriaisprovided；andthehumblestPathanpossessesanancestralenemy。
OnlyAmericastandsoutoftheracket，andthere—foretobeinfashionmakesasand—bagofthemothercountry，andhangsherwhenoccasionrequires。
\"Thechainoffortresses\"man，afascinatingtalker，explainedtomeaftertheaffairthathewascompelledtoblowoffsteam。
Everybodyexpectedit。
Whenwehadchanted\"TheStarSpangledBanner\"notmorethaneighttimes，weadjourned。Americaisaverygreatcountry，butitisnotyetheaven，withelectriclightsandplushfittings，asthespeakersprofessedtobelieve。Mylisteningmindwentbacktothepoliticiansinthesaloon，whowastednotimeintalkingaboutfreedom，butquietlymadearrangementstoimposetheirwillonthecitizens。
\"Thejudgeisagreatman，butgivethypresentstotheclerk，\"
astheproverbsaith。
Andwhatmoreremainstotell？Icannotwriteconnectedly，becauseIaminlovewithallthosegirlsaforesaid，andsomeotherswhodonotappearintheinvoice。Thetypewriterisanin—stitutionofwhichthecomicpapersmakemuchcapital，butsheisvastlyconvenient。Sheandacompanionrentaroominabusinessquarter，and，aidedbyatypewritingmachine，copyMSS。
attherateofsixannasapage。Onlyawomancanoperateatypewritingmachine，becauseshehasservedapprenticeshiptothesewingmachine。Shecanearnasmuchasonehundreddollarsamonth，andprofessestoregardthisformofbread—winningashernaturaldestiny。But，oh!howshehatesitinherheartofhearts!WhenIhadgotoverthesurpriseofdoingbusinesswithandtryingtogiveorderstoayoungwomanofcoldly，clerklyaspectintrenchedbehindgold—rimmedspectacles，Imadeinquiriesconcerningthepleasuresofthisindependence。Theylikedit——indeedtheydid。’Twasthenaturalfateofalmostallgirls——therecognizedcustominAmerica——andIwasabarbariannottoseeitinthatlight。
\"Well，andafter？\"saidI。\"Whathappens？\"
\"Weworkforourbread。\"
\"Andthenwhatdoyouexpect？\"
\"Thenweshallworkforourbread。\"
\"Tillyoudie？\"
\"Ye—es——unless——\"
\"Unlesswhat？Thisisyourbusiness，youknow。Amanworksuntilhedies。\"
\"Soshallwe\"——thiswithoutenthusiasm——\"Isuppose。\"
Saidthepartnerinthefirm，audaciously：——\"Sometimeswemarryouremployees——atleast，that’swhatthenewspaperssay。\"
Thehandbangedonhalfadozenofthekeysofthemachineatonce。\"YetIdon’tcare。Ihateit——Ihateit——Ihateit——andyouneedn’tlookso!\"
Theseniorpartnerwasregardingtherebelwithgrave—eyedreproach。
\"Ithoughtyoudid，\"saidI。\"Idon’tsupposeAmericangirlsaremuchdifferentfromEnglishonesininstinct。\"
\"Isn’titTheophileGautierwhosaysthattheonlydifferencebetweencountryandcountrylieintheslangandtheuniformofthepolice？\"
Now，inthenameofallthegodsatonce，whatisonetosaytoayounglady（whoinEnglandwouldbeaperson）whoearnsherownbread，andverynaturallyhatestheemploy，andslingsout—of—the—wayquotationsatyourhead？Thatonefallsinlovewithhergoeswithoutsaying，butthatisnotenough。
Amissionshouldbeestablished。
III
AmericanSalmonTheraceisneithertotheswiftnorthebattletothestrong；
buttimeandchancecomethtoall。
IHAVElived!
TheAmericanContinentmaynowsinkunderthesea，forIhavetakenthebestthatityields，andthebestwasneitherdollars，love，norrealestate。
Hearnow，gentlemenofthePunjabFishingClub，whowhipthereachesoftheTavi，andyouwhopainfullyimporttroutovertoOctamund，andIwilltellyouhowoldmanCaliforniaandIwentfishing，andyoushallenvy。
WereturnedfromTheDallestoPortlandbythewaywehadcome，thesteamerstoppingenroutetopickupanight’scatchofoneofthesalmonwheelsontheriver，andtodeliveritatacannerydown—stream。
Whentheproprietorofthewheelannouncedthathistakewastwothousandtwohundredandthirtypoundsweightoffish，\"andnotaheavycatchneither，\"Ithoughthelied。Buthesenttheboxesaboard，andIcountedthesalmonbythehundred——hugefifty—poundershardlydead，scoresoftwentyandthirtypounders，andahostofsmallerfish。TheywereallChenooksalmon，asdistinguishedfromthe\"steelhead\"andthe\"silverside。\"Thatistosay，theywereroyalsalmon，andCaliforniaandIdroppedatearoverthem，asmonarchswhodeservedabetterfate；butthelustofslaughterenteredintooursouls，andwetalkedfishandforgotthemountainscenerythathadsomovedusadaybefore。
Thesteamerhaltedatarudewoodenwarehousebuiltonpilesinalonelyreachoftheriver，andsentinthefish。Ifollowedthemupascale—strewn，fishyinclinethatledtothecannery。Thecrazybuildingwasquiveringwiththemachineryonitsfloors，andaglitteringbankoftinscrapstwentyfeethighshowedwherethewastewasthrownafterthecanshadbeenpunched。
OnlyChinamenwereemployedonthework，andtheylookedlikeblood—besmearedyellowdevilsastheycrossedtheriftsofsunlightthatlayuponthefloor。Whenourconsignmentarrived，theroughwoodenboxesbrokeofthemselvesastheyweredumpeddownunderajetofwater，andthesalmonburstoutinastreamofquicksilver。AChinamanjerkedupatwenty—pounder，beheadedanddetaileditwithtwoswiftstrokesofaknife，flickedoutitsinternalarrangementswithathird，andcaseitintoablood—dyedtank。Theheadlessfishleapedfromunderhishandsasthoughtheywerefacingarapid。OtherChinamenpulledthemfromthevatandthrustthemunderathinglikeachaff—cutter，which，descending，hewedthemintounseemlyredgobbetsfitforthecan。
MoreChinamen，withyellow，crookedfingers，jammedthestuffintothecans，whichsliddownsomemarvellousmachineforthwith，solderingtheirowntopsastheypassed。Eachcanwashastilytestedforflaws，andthensunkwithahundredcompanionsintoavatofboilingwater，theretobehalfcookedforafewminutes。
Thecansbulgedslightlyaftertheoperation，andwerethereforesliddenalongbythetrolleyfultomenwithneedlesandsoldering—ironswhoventedthemandsolderedtheaperture。
Exceptforthelabel，the\"FinestColumbiaSalmon\"wasreadyforthemarket。Iwasimpressednotsomuchwiththespeedofthemanufactureasthecharacterofthefactory。Inside，onafloorninetybyforty，themostcivilizedandmurderousofmachinery。
Outside，threefootsteps，thethick—growingpinesandtheimmensesolitudeofthehills。Oursteameronlystayedtwentyminutesatthatplace，butIcountedtwohundredandfortyfinishedcansmadefromthecatchofthepreviousnightereIlefttheslippery，blood—stained，scale—spangled，oilyfloorsandtheoffal—smearedChinamen。
WereachedPortland，CaliforniaandIcryingforsalmon，andareal—estateman，towhomwehadbeenintrustedbyaninsuranceman，metusinthestreet，sayingthatfifteenmilesaway，acrosscountry，weshouldcomeuponaplacecalledClackamas，wherewemightper—chancefindwhatwedesired。AndCalifornia，hiscoat—tailsflyinginthewind，rantoalivery—stableandcharteredawagonandteamforthwith。Icouldpushthewagonaboutwithonehand，solightwasitsstructure。TheteamwaspurelyAmerican——thatistosay，almosthumaninitsintelligenceanddocility。SomeonesaidthattheroadswerenotgoodonthewaytoClackamas，andwarnedusagainstsmashingthesprings。
\"Portland，\"whohadwatchedthepreparations，finallyreckoned\"He’dcomealong，too；\"andunderheavenlyskieswethreecompanionsofadaysetforth，Californiacarefullylashingourrodsintothecarriage，andtheby—standersoverwhelminguswithdirectionsastothesaw—millsweweretopass，theferriesweweretocross，andthesign—postsweweretoseeksignsfrom。
Halfamilefromthiscityoffiftythousandsoulswestruck（andthismustbetakenliterally）aplankroadthatwouldhavebeenadisgracetoanIrishvillage。
Thensixmilesofmacadamizedroadshowedusthattheteamcouldmove。ArailwayranbetweenusandthebanksoftheWillamette，andanotheraboveusthroughthemountains。Allthelandwasdottedwithsmalltownships，andtheroadswerefulloffarmersintheirtownwagons，bunchesoftow—haired，boggle—eyedurchinssittinginthehaybehind。Themengenerallylookedlikeloafers，buttheirwomenwereallwelldressed。
Brownbraidingonatailor—madejacketdoesnot，however，consortwithhay—wagons。ThenwestruckintothewoodsalongwhatCaliforniacalledacaminareale——agoodroad——andPortlanda\"fairtrack。\"Itwoundinandoutamongfire—blackenedstumpsunderpine—trees，alongthecornersoflogfences，throughhollows，whichmustbehopelessmarshinthewinter，andupabsurdgradients。ButnowherethroughoutitslengthdidIseeanyevidenceofroad—making。Therewasatrack——youcouldn’twellgetoffit，anditwasallyoucoulddotostayonit。Thedustlayafootthickintheblindruts，andunderthedustwefoundbitsofplankingandbundlesofbrushwoodthatsentthewagonboundingintotheair。Thejourneyinitselfwasadelight。
Sometimeswecrashedthroughbracken；anon，wheretheblackberriesgrewrankest，wefoundalonelylittlecemetery，thewoodenrailsallawryandthepitiful，stumpyhead—stonesnoddingdrunkenlyatthesoftgreenmullions。Then，withoathsandthesoundofrentunderwood，ayokeofmightybullswouldswingdowna\"skid\"road，haulingaforty—footlogalongarudelymadeslide。
Avalleyfullofwheatandcherry—treessucceeded，andhaltingatahouse，weboughtten—poundweightoflusciousblackcherriesforsomethinglessthanarupee，andgotadrinkoficy—coldwaterfornothing，whiletheuntendedteambrowsedsagaciouslybytheroad—side。Oncewefoundaway—sidecampofhorse—dealersloungingbyapool，readyforasaleoraswap，andoncetwosun—tannedyoungstersshotdownahillonIndianponies，theirfullcreelsbangingfromthehigh—pommelledsaddle。Theyhadbeenfishing，andwereourbrethren，therefore。Weshoutedaloudinchorustoscareawildcat；wesquabbledoverthereasonsthathadledasnaketocrossaroad；weheavedbitsofbarkataventuresomechipmunk，whowasreallythelittlegraysquirrelofIndia，andhadcometocallonme；welostourway，andgotthewagonsobeautifullyfixedonakhud—boundroadthatwehadtotiethetwohindwheelstogetitdown。
Aboveall，CaliforniatoldtalesofNevadaandArizona，oflonelynightsspentoutprospecting，theslaughterofdeerandthechaseofmen，ofwoman——lovelywoman——whoisafirebrandinaWesterncityandleadstothepoppingofpistols，andofthesuddenchangesandchancesofFortune，whodelightsinmakingtheminerorthelumber—manaquadruplicatemillionaireandin\"busting\"
therailroadking。
Thatwasadaytoberemembered，andithadonlybegunwhenwedrewreinatatinyfarm—houseonthebanksoftheClackamasandsoughthorsefeedandlodging，erewehastenedtotheriverthatbrokeoveraweirnotaquarterofamileaway。Imagineastreamseventyyardsbroaddividedbyapebblyisland，runningoverseductive\"riffles\"andswirlingintodeep，quietpools，wherethegoodsalmongoestosmokehispipeaftermeals。Getsuchastreamamidfieldsofbreast—highcropssurroundedbyhillsofpines，throwinwhereyoupleasequietwater，long—fencedmeadows，andahundred—footbluffjusttokeepthesceneryfromgrowingtoomonotonous，andyouwillgetsomefaintnotionoftheClackamas。TheweirhadbeenerectedtopentheChenooksalmonfromgoingfurtherup—stream。Wecouldseethem，twentyorthirtypounds，bythescoreinthedeeppools，orflyingmadlyagainsttheweirandfoolishlyskinningtheirnoses。Theywerenotourprey，fortheywouldnotriseatafly，andweknewit。Allthesame，whenonemadehisleapagainsttheweir，andlandedonthefoot—plankwithajarthatshooktheboardIwasstandingon，I
wouldfainhaveclaimedhimformyowncapture。
Portlandhadnorod。Heheldthegaffandthewhiskey。
Californiasniffedup—streamanddown—stream，acrosstheracingwater，chosehisground，andletthegaudyflydropinthetailofariffle。Iwasgettingmyrodtogether，whenIheardthejoyousshriekofthereelandtheyellsofCalifornia，andthreefeetoflivingsilverleapedintotheairfaracrossthewater。
Theforceswereengaged。
Thesalmontoreup—stream，thetenselinecuttingthewaterlikeatide—ripbehindhim，andthelightbamboobowedtobreaking。
WhathappenedthereafterIcannottell。Californiasworeandprayed，andPortlandshoutedadvice，andIdidallthreeforwhatappearedtobehalfaday，butwasinrealityalittleoveraquarterofanhour，andsullenlyourfishcamehomewithspurtsoftemper，dashesheadonandsarabandsintheair，buthometothebankcamehe，andtheremorselessreelgatheredupthethreadofhislifeinchbyinch。Welandedhiminalittlebay，andthespringweightinhisgorgeousgillscheckedatelevenandonehalfpounds。Elevenandonehalfpoundsoffightingsalmon!Wedancedawar—danceonthepebbles，andCaliforniacaughtmeroundthewaistinahugthatwentneartobreakingmyribs，whileheshouted：——\"Partner!Partner!Thisisglory!Nowyoucatchyourfish!Twenty—fouryearsI’vewaitedforthis!\"
Iwentintothaticy—coldriverandmademycastjustabovetheweir，andallbutfoul—hookedablue—and—blackwater—snakewithacoralmouthwhocoiledherselfonastoneandhissedmale—dictions。
Thenextcast——ah，theprideofit，theregalsplendorofit!thethrillthatrandownfromfinger—tiptotoe!Thenthewaterboiled。Hebrokefortheflyandgotit。Thereremainedenoughsenseinmetogivehimallhewantedwhenhejumpednotonce，buttwentytimes，beforetheup—streamflightthatranmylineouttothelasthalf—dozenturns，andIsawthenickelledreel—barglitterunderthethinninggreencoils。MythumbwasburneddeepwhenIstrovetostoppertheline。
Ididnotfeelittilllater，formysoulwasoutinthedancingweir，prayingforhimtoturnerehetookmytackleaway。Andtheprayerwasheard。AsIbowedback，thebuttoftherodonmylefthip—boneandthetopjointdippinglikeuntoaweepingwillow，heturnedandacceptedeachinchofslackthatIcouldbyanymeansgetinasafavorfromonhigh。Therelieseveralsortsofsuccessinthisworldthattastewellinthemomentofenjoyment，butIquestionwhetherthestealthytheftoflinefromanable—bodiedsalmonwhoknowsexactlywhatyouaredoingandwhyyouaredoingitisnotsweeterthananyothervictorywithinhumanscope。LikeCalifornia’sfish，heranatmeheadon，andleapedagainsttheline，buttheLordgavemetwohundredandfiftypairsoffingersinthathour。Thebanksandthepine—treesdanceddizzilyroundme，butIonlyreeled——reeledasforlife——reeledforhours，andattheendofthereelingcontinuedtogivehimthebuttwhilehesulkedinapool。
Californiawasfurtherupthereach，andwiththecornerofmyeyeIcouldseehimcastingwithlongcastsandmuchskill。Thenhestruck，andmyfishbrokefortheweirinthesameinstant，anddownthereachwecame，CaliforniaandI，reelansweringreelevenasthemorningstarssingtogether。
Thefirstwildenthusiasmofcapturehaddiedaway。Wewerebothatworknowindeadlyearnesttopreventthelinesfouling，tostalloffadown—streamrushforshaggywaterjustabovetheweir，andatthesametimetogetthefishintotheshallowbaydown—streamthatgavethebestpracticablelanding。Portlandbidusbothbeofgoodheart，andvolunteeredtotaketherodfrommyhands。
Iwouldratherhavediedamongthepebblesthansurrendermyrighttoplayandlandasalmon，weightunknown，withaneight—ouncerod。IheardCalifornia，atmyear，itseemed，gasping：\"He’safighterfromFightersville，sure!\"ashisfishmadeafreshbreakacrossthestream。IsawPortlandfalloffalogfence，breaktheoverhangingbank，andclatterdowntothepebbles，allsandandlanding—net，andIdroppedonalogtorestforamoment。AsIdrewbreaththewearyhandsslackenedtheirhold，andIforgottogivehimthebutt。
Awildscutterinthewater，aplunge，andabreakforthehead—watersoftheClackamaswasmyreward，andthewearytoilofreelinginwithoneeyeunderthewaterandtheotheronthetopjointoftherodwasrenewed。Worstofall，IwasblockingCalifornia’spathtothelittlelandingbayaforesaid，andhehadtohaltandtirehisprizewherehewas。
\"Thefatherofallthesalmon!\"heshouted。\"FortheloveofHeaven，getyourtrouttobank，JohnnyBull!\"
ButIcoulddonomore。Eventheinsultfailedtomoveme。Therestofthegamewaswiththesalmon。Hesufferedhimselftobedrawn，skip—pingwithpretendeddelightatgettingtothehavenwhereIwouldfainbringhim。Yetnosoonerdidhefeelshoalwaterunderhisponderousbellythanhebackedlikeatorpedo—boat，andthesnarlofthereeltoldmethatmylaborwasinvain。Adozentimes，atleast，thishappenederethelinehintedhehadgivenupthebattleandwouldbetowedin。Hewastowed。Thelanding—netwasuselessforoneofhissize，andI
wouldnothavehimgaffed。Isteppedintotheshallowsandheavedhimoutwitharespectfulhandunderthegill，forwhichkindnesshebatteredmeaboutthelegswithhistail，andIfeltthestrengthofhimandwasproud。Californiahadtakenmyplaceintheshallows，hisfishhardheld。Iwasupthebanklyingfulllengthonthesweet—scentedgrassandgaspingincompanywithmyfirstsalmoncaught，playedandlandedonaneight—ouncerod。Myhandswerecutandbleeding，Iwasdrippingwithsweat，spangledlikeaharlequinwithscales，waterfrommywaistdown，nosepeeledbythesun，bututterly，supremely，andconsummatelyhappy。
Thebeauty，thedarling，thedaisy，mySalmonBahadur，weighedtwelvepounds，andIhadbeenseven—and—thirtyminutesbringinghimtobank!Hehadbeenlightlyhookedontheangleoftherightjaw，andthehookhadnotweariedhim。ThathourIsatamongprincesandcrownedheadsgreaterthanthemall。BelowthebankweheardCaliforniascufflingwithhissalmonandswearingSpanishoaths。PortlandandIassistedatthecapture，andthefishdraggedthespringbalanceoutbytheroots。Itwasonlyconstructedtoweighuptofifteenpounds。Westretchedthethreefishonthegrass——theelevenandahalf，thetwelveandfifteenpounder——andwegaveanoaththatallwhocameaftershouldmerelybeweighedandputbackagain。
HowshallItellthegloriesofthatdaysothatyoumaybeinterested？AgainandagaindidCaliforniaandIprancedownthatreachtothelittlebay，eachwithasalmonintow，andlandhimintheshallows。ThenPortlandtookmyrodandcaughtsometen—pounders，andmyspoonwascarriedawaybyanunknownleviathan。Eachfish，forthemeritsofthethreethathaddiedsogamely，washastilyhookedonthebalanceandflungback。
Portlandrecordedtheweightinapocket—book，forhewasareal—estateman。Eachfishfoughtforallhewasworth，andnonemoresavagelythanthesmallest，agamelittlesix—pounder。Attheendofsixhoursweaddedupthelist。Readit。Total：
Sixteenfish；aggregateweight，onehundredandfortypounds。
Thescoreindetailrunssomethinglikethis——itisonlyinterestingtothoseconcerned：fifteen，elevenandahalf，twelve，ten，nineandthreequarters，eight，andsoforth；asI
havesaid，nothingundersixpounds，andthreeten—pounders。
Verysolemnlyandthankfullyweputupourrods——itwasgloryenoughforalltime——andreturnedweepingineachother’sarms，weepingtearsofpurejoy，tothatsimple，bare—leggedfamilyinthepacking—casehousebythewater—side。
TheoldfarmerrecollecteddaysandnightsoffiercewarfarewiththeIndians\"waybackinthefifties，\"wheneveryrippleoftheColumbiaRiverandhertributarieshidcovertdanger。Godhaddoweredhimwithaqueer，crookedgiftofexpressionandafierceanxietyforthewelfareofhistwolittlesons——tannedandreservedchildren，whoattendedschooldailyandspokegoodEnglishinastrangetongue。
Hiswifewasanausterewoman，whohadoncebeenkindly，andperhapshandsome。
Verymanyyearsoftoilhadtakentheelasticityoutofstepandvoice。Shelookedfornothingbetterthaneverlastingwork——thechafingdetailofhousework——andthenagravesomewhereupthehillamongtheblackberriesandthepines。
Butinhergrimwayshesympathizedwithhereldestdaughter，asmallandsilentmaidenofeighteen，whohadthoughtsveryfarfromthemealsshetendedandthepansshescoured。
Westumbledintothehouseholdatacrisis，andtherewasadealofdownrighthumanityinthatsame。Abad，wickeddress—makerhadpromisedthemaidenadressintimeforato—morrow’srail—wayjourney，andthoughthebarefootedGeorgy，whostoodinverywholesomeaweofhissister，hadscouredthewoodsonaponyinsearch，thatdressneverarrived。So，withsorrowinherheartandahundredSister—Anneglancesuptheroad，shewaiteduponthestrangersand，Idoubtnot，cursedthemforthewantsthatstoodbetweenherandherneedfortears。Itwasagenuinelittletragedy。Themother，inaheavy，passionlessvoice，rebukedherimpatience，yetsatupfarintothenight，bowedoveraheapofsewingforthedaughter’sbenefit。
ThesethingsIbeheldinthelongmarigold—scentedtwilightandwhisperingnight，loafingroundthelittlehousewithCalifornia，whoun—foldedhimselflikealotustothemoon，orinthelittleboardedbunkthatwasourbedroom，swap—pingtaleswithPortlandandtheoldman。
Mostoftheyarnsbeganinthisway：——\"RedLarrywasabull—puncherbackofLoneCounty，Montana，\"or\"Therewasamanridingthetrailmetajack—rabbitsittinginacactus，\"or\"’BoutthetimeoftheSanDiegolandboom，awomanfromMonterey，\"etc。
Youcantrytopieceoutforyourselveswhatsortofstoriestheywere。
IV
TheYellowstoneONCEuponatimetherewasacarterwhobroughthisteamandafriendintotheYellowstoneParkwithoutduethought。Presentlytheycameuponafewofthenaturalbeautiesoftheplace，andthatcarterturnedhisteamintohisfriend’steam，howling：——\"Getouto’this，Jim。Allhell’salightunderournoses!\"
AndtheycalledtheplaceHell’sHalf—Acretothisdaytowitnessifthecarterlied。
We，too，theoldladyfromChicago，herhusband，Tom，andthegoodlittlemares，cametoHell’sHalf—Acre，whichisaboutsixtyacresinextent，andwhenTomsaid：——\"Wouldyouliketodriveoverit？\"
Wesaid：——\"Certainlynot，andifyoudoweshallreportyoutotheparkauthorities。\"
Therewasaplain，blistered，peeled，andabominable，anditwasgivenovertothesportingsandspoutingsofdevilswhothrewmud，andsteam，anddirtateachotherwithwhoops，andhalloos，andbellowingcurses。
Theplacessmelledoftherefuseofthepit，andthatodormixedwiththeclean，wholesomearomaofthepinesinournostrilsthroughouttheday。
ThisYellowstoneParkislaidoutlikeOllendorf，inexercisesofprogressivedifficulty。Hell’sHalf—Acrewasapreludetotenortwelvemilesofgeyserformation。
Wepassedhotstreamsboilingintheforest；sawwhiffsofsteambeyondthese，andyetotherwhiffsbreakingthroughthemistygreenhillsinthefardistance；wetrampledonsulphurincrystals，andsniffedthingsmuchworsethananysulphurwhichisknowntotheupperworld；andsojourneying，bewilderedwiththenovelty，cameuponareallypark—likeplacewhereTomsuggestedweshouldgetoutandplaywiththegeysersonfoot。
Imaginemightygreenfieldssplatteredwithlime—beds，alltheflowersofthesummergrowinguptotheveryedgeofthelime。
Thatwasourfirstglimpseofthegeyserbasins。
Thebuggyhadpulledupclosetoarough，broken，blisteredconeofspelterstuffbetweentenandtwentyfeethigh。Therewastroubleinthatplace——moaning，splashing，gurgling，andtheclankofmachinery。Aspurtofboilingwaterjumpedintotheair，andawashofwaterfollowed。
Iremovedswiftly。TheoldladyfromChicagoshrieked。\"Whatawickedwaste!\"saidherhusband。
IthinktheycallittheRiversideGeyser。Itsspoutwastornandraggedlikethemouthofagunwhenashellhasburstthere。
Itgrumbledmadlyforamomentortwo，andthenwasstill。I
creptoverthesteaminglime——itwastheburningmarlonwhichSatanlay——andlookedfearfullydownitsmouth。Youshouldneverlookagiftgeyserinthemouth。
Ibeheldahorrible，slippery，slimyfunnelwithwaterrisingandfallingtenfeetatatime。Thenthewaterrosetoliplevelwitharush，andaninfernalbubblingtroubledthisDevil’sBethesdabeforethesullenheaveofthecrestofawavelappedovertheedgeandmademerun。
Markthenatureofthehumansoul!Ihadbegunwithawe，nottosayterror，forthiswasmyfirstexperienceofsuchthings。I
steppedbackfromthebanksoftheRiversideGeyser，saying：——\"Pooh!Isthatallitcando？\"
YetforaughtIknew，thewholethingmighthaveblownupataminute’snotice，she，he，oritbeinganarrangementofuncertaintemper。
Wedriftedon，upthatmiraculousvalley。Oneithersideofuswerehillsfromathousandorfifteenhundredfeethigh，woodedfromcresttoheel。Asfarastheeyecouldrangeforwardwerecolumnsofsteamintheair，misshapenlumpsoflime，mist—likepreadamitemonsters，stillpoolsofturquoise—bluestretchesofbluecorn—flowers，ariverthatcoiledonitselftwentytimes，pointedbowldersofstrangecolors，andridgesofglaring，staringwhite。
Amoon—facedtrooperofGermanextraction——neverwasparksocarefullypatrolled——cameuptoinformusthatasyetwehadnotseenanyoftherealgeysers；thattheywereallamileorsoupthevalley，andtastefullyscatteredroundthehotelinwhichwewouldrestforthenight。
Americaisafreecountry，butthecitizenslookdownonthesoldier。Ihadtoentertainthattrooper。TheoldladyfromChicagowouldhavenoneofhim；soweloafedalonetogether，nowacrosshalf—rottenpinelogssunkinswampyground，anonovertheringinggeyserformation，thenpoundingthroughriver—sandorbrushingknee—deepthroughlonggrass。
\"Andwhydidyouenlist？\"saidI。
Themoon—facedone’sfacebegantowork。Ithoughthewouldhaveafit，buthetoldmeastoryinstead——suchanicetaleofanaughtylittlegirlwhowroteprettyloveletterstotwomenatonce。Shewasasimplevillagewife，butawicked\"familynovelette\"countesscouldn’thaveaccomplishedherendsbetter。
Shedroveonemannearlywildwiththeprettylittletreachery，andtheothermanabandonedherandcameWesttoforgetthetrickery。
Moon—facewasthatman。
Weroundedandlimpedoveralowspurofhill，andcameoutuponafieldofaching，snowylimerolledinsheets，twistedintoknots，rivenwithrents，anddiamonds，andstars，stretchingformorethanhalfamileineverydirection。
Onthisplaceofdespairlaymostofthebig，badgeyserswhoknowwhenthereistroubleinKrakatoa，whotellthepineswhenthereisacycloneontheAtlanticseaboard，andwhoareexhibitedtovisitorsunderprettyandfancifulnames。
ThefirstmoundthatIencounteredbelongedtoagoblinwhowassplashinginhistub。
Iheardhimkick，pullashower—bathonhisshoulders，gasp，crackhisjoints，andrubhimselfdownwithatowel；thenheletthewateroutofthebath，asathoughtfulmanshould，anditallsunkdownoutofsighttillanothergoblinarrived。
SowelookedandwewonderedattheBeehive，whosemouthisbuiltupexactlylikeahive，attheTurban（whichisnotintheleastlikeaturban），andatmany，manyothergeysers，hotholes，andsprings。Someofthemrumbled，somehissed，somewentoffspasmodically，andotherslaydeadstillinsheetsofsapphireandberyl。
WouldyoubelievethateventheseterriblecreatureshavetobeguardedbythetrooperstopreventtheirreverentAmericansfromchippingtheconestopieces，or，worsestill，makingthegeysersick？Ifyoutakeasmallbarrelfullofsoft—soapanddropitdownageyser’smouth，thatgeyserwillpresentlybeforcedtolayallbeforeyou，andfordaysafterwardwillbeofanirritatedandinconstantstomach。
WhentheytoldmethetaleIwasfilledwithsympathy。NowI
wishthatIhadsoft—soapandtriedtheexperimentonsomelonelylittlebeastfarawayinthewoods。Itsoundssoprobableandsohuman。
YethewouldbeaboldmanwhowouldadministeremeticstotheGiantess。Sheisflat—lipped，havingnomouth；shelookslikeapool，fiftyfeetlongandthirtywide，andthereisnoornamentationabouther。Atirregularintervalsshespeaksandsendsupavolumeofwaterovertwohundredfeethightobeginwith，thensheisangryforadayandahalf——sometimesfortwodays。
Owingtoherpeculiarityofgoingmadinthenight，notmanypeoplehaveseentheGiantessatherfinest；buttheclamorofherunrest，mensay，shakesthewoodenhotel，andechoeslikethunderamongthehills。
Thecongregationreturnedtothehoteltoputdowntheirimpressionsindiariesandnote—books，whichtheywroteupostentatiouslyintheverandas。Itwasaswelteringhotday，albeitwestoodsome—whathigherthanthelevelofSimla，andI
leftthatrawpinecreakingcaravansaryforthecoolshadeofaclumpofpinesbetweenwhosetrunksglimmeredtents。
AbatchofUnitedStatestrooperscamedowntheroadandflungthemselvesacrossthecountryintotheirroughlines。TheMelicancavalrymancanride，thoughhekeepshisaccoutrementspig—fashionandhishorsecow—fashion。
Iwasfreeofthatcampinfiveminutes——freetoplaywiththeheavy，lumpycarbines，havethesaddlesstripped，andpunchthehorsesknowinglyintheribs。Oneofthemenhadbeeninthefightwith\"Wrap—up—his—Tail，\"andhetoldmehowthatgreatchief，hishorse’stailtiedupinredcalico，swaggeredinfrontoftheUnitedStatescavalry，challengingalltosinglecombat。
Buthewasslain，andafewofhistribewithhim。
\"There’snouseinanIndian，anyway，\"concludedmyfriend。
Acoupleofcow—boys——realcow—boys——jingledthroughthecampamidashowerofmildchaff。TheywereontheirwaytoCookCity，Ifancy，andIknowthattheyneverwashed。Buttheywerepicturesqueruffiansexceedingly，withlongspurs，hoodedstirrups，slouchhats，furweather—clothovertheirknees，andpistol—buttsjusteasytohand。
\"Thecow—boy’sgoin’underbeforelong，\"saidmyfriend。\"Soonasthecountry’ssettleduphe’llhavetogo。Buthe’smightyusefulnow。Whatwouldwedowithoutthecow—boy？\"
\"Ashow？\"saidI，andthecamplaughed。
\"Hehasthemoney。Wehavetheskill。Hecomesinwintertoplaypokeratthemilitaryposts。Weplaypoker——afew。Whenhe’slosthismoneywemakehimdrunkandlethimgo。Sometimeswegetthewrongman。\"
Andhetoldmeataleofaninnocentcow—boywhoturnedup，cleanedout，atanarmypost，andplayedpokerforthirty—sixhours。Butitwasthepostthatwascleanedoutwhenthatlong—hairedCaucasianremovedhimself，heavywitheverybody’spayanddecliningtheprofferedliquor。
\"Noaw，\"saidthehistorian，\"Idon’tplaywithnocow—boyunlesshe’salittlebitdrunkfirst。\"
EreIdepartedIgatheredfrommorethanonemanthesignificantfactthatuptoonehundredyardshefeltabsolutelysecurebehindhisrevolver。
\"InEngland，Iunderstand，\"quoththelimberyouthfromtheSouth，——\"inEnglandamanisn’tallowedtoplaywithnofire—arms。He’sgottobetaughtallthatwhenheenlists。I
didn’twantmuchteachinghowtoshootstraight’foreIservedUncleSam。Andthat’sjustwhereitis。ButyouwastalkingaboutyourHorseGuardsnow？\"
Iexplainedbrieflysomepeculiaritiesofequipmentconnectedwithourcrackestcrackcavalry。Igrievetosaythecamproared。
\"Take’emoverswampyground。Let’emrunaroundabitan’workthestarchoutof’em，an’then，Almighty，ifwewouldn’tplug’emateaseI’deattheirhorses。\"
Therewasamaiden——averylittlemaiden——whohadjuststeppedoutofoneofJames’snovels。Sheownedadelightfulmotherandanequallydelightfulfather——aheavy—eyed，slow—voicedmanoffinance。Theparentsthoughtthattheirdaughterwantedchange。
ShelivedinNewHampshire。Accordingly，shehaddraggedthemuptoAlaskaandtotheYosemiteValley，andwasnowreturningleisurely，viatheYellowstone，justintimeforthetail—endofthesummerseasonatSaratoga。
Wehadmetonceortwicebeforeinthepark，andIhadbeenamazedandamusedathercriticalcommendationofthewondersthatshesaw。FromthatveryresolutelittlemouthIreceivedalectureonAmericanliterature，thenatureandinwardnessofWashingtonsociety，theprecisevalueofCable’sworksascomparedwithUncleRemusHarris，andafewotherthingsthathadnothingwhatevertodowithgeysers，butwerealtogetherpleasant。
Now，anEnglishmaidenwhohadstumbledonadust—grimed，lime—washed，sun—peeled，collarlesswanderercomefromandgoingtogoodnessknowswhere，would，hermotherincitingherandherfatherbrandishinganumbrella，haveregardedhimasadissoluteadventurer——apersontobedisregarded。
NotsothosedelightfulpeoplefromNewHampshire。Theyweregoodenoughtotreathim——itsoundsalmostincredible——asahumanbeing，possiblyrespectable，probablynotinimmediateneedoffinancialassistance。
Papatalkedpleasantlyandtothepoint。
Thelittlemaidenstrovevaliantlywiththeaccentofherbirthandthatofherrearing，andmammasmiledbenignlyinthebackground。
BalancethiswithastoryofayoungEnglishidiotImetmooningaboutinsidehishighcollar，attendedbyavalet。Hecondescendedtotellmethat\"youcan’tbetoocarefulwhoyoutalktointheseparts。\"Andstalkedon，fearing，Isuppose，everyminuteforhissocialchastity。
Thatmanwasabarbarian（Itookoccasiontotellhimso），forhecomportedhimselfafterthemannerofthehead—huntersandhuntedofAssamwhoareatperpetualfeudonewithanother。
YouwillunderstandthatthesefoolishstoriesareintroducedinordertocoverthefactthatthispencannotdescribethegloriesoftheUpperGeyserBasin。TheeveningIspentundertheleeoftheCastleGeyser，sittingonalogwithsometroopersandwatchingabaronialkeepfortyfeethighspoutinghotwater。IftheCastlewentofffirst，theysaidtheGiantesswouldbequiet，andviceversa，andthentheytoldtalestillthemoongotupandapartyofcampersinthewoodsgaveusallsomethingtoeat。
Thencamesoft，turfyforestthatdeadenedthewheels，andtwotroopersondetachmentdutystolenoiselesslybehindus。OnewastheWrap—up—his—Tailman，andtheytalkedmerrilywhilethehalf—brokenhorsesbuckedaboutamongthetrees。Andsoacavalryescortwaswithusforamile，tillwegottoamightyhillstrewnwithmossagates，andeverybodyhadtojumpoutandpantinthatthinair。Buthowintoxicatingitwas!TheoldladyfromChicagoduckedlikeanemancipatedhenasshescuttledabouttheroad，crammingpiecesofrockintoherreticule。Shesentmefiftyyardsdowntothehill—sidetopickupapieceofbrokenbottlewhichsheinsistedwasmossagate。
\"I’vesomeo’thatathome，an’theyshine。Yes，yougogetit，youngman。\"
Asweclimbedthelongpaththeroadgrewvilerandvilertillitbecame，withoutdisguise，thebedofatorrent；andjustwhenthingswereattheirrockiestwenearlyfellintoalittlesapphirelake——butneversapphirewassoblue——calledMary’sLake；andthatbetweeneightandninethousandfeetabovethesea。
Afterward，grassdowns，allonavehementslope，sothatthebuggy，followingthenew—maderoad，ranonthetwooff—wheelsmostlytillwedippedhead—firstintoaford，climbedupacliff，racedalongdown，dippedagain，andpulledupdishevelledat\"Larry’s\"forlunchandanhour’srest。
Thenwelayonthegrassandlaughedwithsheerblissofbeingalive。ThishaveIknownonceinJapan，onceonthebanksoftheColumbia，whattimethesalmoncameinandCaliforniahowled，andonceagainintheYellowstonebythelightoftheeyesofthemaidenfromNewHampshire。Fourlittlepoolslayatmyelbow，onewasofblackwater（tepid），oneclearwater（cold），oneclearwater（hot），oneredwater（boiling）。Mynewlywashedhandkerchiefcoveredthemall，andwetwomarvelledaschildrenmarvel。
\"ThiseveningweshalldotheGrandCanyonoftheYellowstone，\"
saidthemaiden。
\"Together？\"saidI；andshesaid，\"Yes。\"
Thesunwasbeginningtosinkwhenweheardtheroaroffallingwatersandcametoabroadriveralongwhosebanksweran。Andthen——Imightatapinchdescribetheinfernalregions，butnottheotherplace。TheYellowstoneRiverhasoccasiontorunthroughagorgeabouteightmileslong。Togettothebottomofthegorgeitmakestwoleaps，oneofaboutonehundredandtwentyandtheotherofthreehundredfeet。Iinvestigatedtheupperorlesserfall，whichisclosetothehotel。
UptothattimenothingparticularhappenstotheYellowstone——itsbanksbeingonlyrocky，rathersteep，andplentifullyadornedwithpines。
Atthefallsitcomesroundacorner，green，solid，ribbedwithalittlefoam，andnotmorethanthirtyyardswide。Thenitgoesover，stillgreen，andrathermoresolidthanbefore。Afteraminuteortwo，you，sittinguponarockdirectlyabovethedrop，begintounderstandthatsomethinghasoccurred；thattheriverhasjumpedbetweensolidcliffwalls，andthatthegentlefrothofwaterlappingthesidesofthegorgebelowisreallytheoutcomeofgreatwaves。
Andtheriveryellsaloud；butthecliffsdonotallowtheyellstoescape。
Thatinspectionbeganwithcuriosityandfinishedinterror，foritseemedthatthewholeworldwasslidinginchrysolitefromundermyfeet。Ifollowedwiththeothersroundthecornertoarriveatthebrinkofthecanyon。Wehadtoclimbupanearlyperpendicularascenttobeginwith，forthegroundrisesmorethantheriverdrops。Statelypinewoodsfringeeitherlipofthegorge，whichisthegorgeoftheYellowstone。You’llfindallaboutitintheguidebooks。
AllthatIcansayisthatwithoutwarningorpreparationI
lookedintoagulfseventeenhundredfeetdeep，witheaglesandfish—hawkscirclingfarbelow。Andthesidesofthatgulfwereonewildwelterofcolor——crimson，emerald，cobalt，ochre，amber，honeysplashedwithportwine，snowwhite，vermilion，lemon，andsilvergrayinwidewashes。Thesidesdidnotfallsheer，butweregravenbytime，andwater，andairintomonstrousheadsofkings，deadchiefs——menandwomenoftheoldtime。Sofarbelowthatnosoundofitsstrifecouldreachus，theYellowstoneRiverranafinger—widestripofjadegreen。
Thesunlighttookthosewondrouswallsandgavefreshhuestothosethatnaturehadalreadylaidthere。
Eveningcreptthroughthepinesthatshadowedus，butthefullgloryofthedayflamedinthatcanyonaswewentoutverycautiouslytoajuttingpieceofrock——blood—redorpinkitwas——thatoverhungthedeepestdeepsofall。
NowIknowwhatitistositenthronedamidthecloudsofsunsetasthespiritssitinBlake’spictures。Giddinesstookawayallsensationoftouchorform，butthesenseofblindingcolorremained。
WhenIreachedthemainlandagainIhadswornthatIhadbeenfloating。
ThemaidfromNewHampshiresaidnowordforaverylongtime。
Thenshequotedpoetry，whichwasperhapsthebestthingshecouldhavedone。
\"Andtothinkthatthisshow—placehasbeengoingonallthesedaysan’noneofweeversawit，\"saidtheoldladyfromChicago，withanacidglanceatherhusband。
\"No，onlytheInjians，\"saidhe，unmoved；andthemaidenandI
laughed。
Inspirationisfleeting，beautyisvain，andthepowerofthemindforwonderlimited。Thoughtheshininghoststhemselveshadrisenchoiringfromthebottomofthegorge，theywouldnothavepreventedherpapaandonebaserthanhefromrollingstonesdownthosestupendousrainbow—washedslides。Seventeenhundredfeetofsteep—estpitchandrathermorethanseventeenhundredcolorsforlogorbowldertowhirlthrough!
Soweheavedthingsandsawthemgatherwayandboundfromwhiterocktoredoryellow，draggingbehindthemtorrentsofcolor，tillthenoiseoftheirdescentceasedandtheyboundedahundredyardsclearatthelastintotheYellowstone。
\"I’vebeendownthere，\"saidTom，thatevening。\"It’seasytogetdownifyou’recareful——justsitan’slide；butgettingupisworse。An’Ifounddownbelowtheretwostonesjustmarkedwithapictureofthecanyon。Iwouldn’tselltheserocksnotforfifteendollars。\"
AndpapaandIcrawleddowntotheYellowstone——justabovethefirstlittlefall——towetalineforgoodluck。Theroundmooncameupandturnedthecliffsandpinesintosilver；andatwo—poundtroutcameupalso，andweslewhimamongtherocks，nearlytumblingintothatwildriver……
ThenoutandawaytoLivingstoneoncemore。ThemaidenfromNewHampshiredisappeared，papaandmammawithher。Disappeared，too，theoldladyfromChicago，andtheothers。
V
Chicago\"Iknowthycunningandthygreed，Thyhardhighlustandwilfuldeed，AndallthyglorylovestotellOfspeciousgiftsmaterial。\"
IHAVEstruckacity——arealcity——andtheycallitChicago。
Theotherplacesdonotcount。SanFranciscowasapleasure—resortaswellasacity，andSaltLakewasaphenomenon。
ThisplaceisthefirstAmericancityIhaveencountered。Itholdsrathermorethanamillionofpeoplewithbodies，andstandsonthesamesortofsoilasCalcutta。Havingseenit，I
urgentlydesirenevertoseeitagain。Itisinhabitedbysavages。ItswateristhewateroftheHooghly，anditsairisdirt。Alsoitsaysthatitisthe\"boss\"townofAmerica。
Idonotbelievethatithasanythingtodowiththiscountry。
TheytoldmetogotothePalmerHouse，whichisovermuchgildedandmirrored，andthereIfoundahugehalloftessellatedmarblecrammedwithpeopletalkingaboutmoney，andspittingabouteverywhere。Otherbarbarianschargedinandoutofthisinfernowithlettersandtelegramsintheirhands，andyetothersshoutedateachother。Amanwhohaddrunkquiteasmuchaswasgoodforhimtoldmethatthiswas\"thefinesthotelinthefinestcityonGodAlmighty’searth。\"Bytheway，whenanAmericanwishestoindicatethenextcountryorstate，hesays，\"GodA’mighty’searth。\"Thispreventsdiscussionandflattershisvanity。
ThenIwentoutintothestreets，whicharelongandflatandwithoutend。AndverilyitisnotagoodthingtoliveintheEastforanylengthoftime。Yourideasgrowtoclashwiththoseheldbyeveryright—thinkingman。Ilookeddowninterminablevistasflankedwithnine，ten，andfifteen—storiedhouses，andcrowdedwithmenandwomen，andtheshowimpressedmewithagreathorror。
ExceptinLondon——andIhaveforgottenwhatLondonwaslike——I
hadneverseensomanywhitepeopletogether，andneversuchacollectionofmiserables。Therewasnocolorinthestreetandnobeauty——onlyamazeofwireropesoverheadanddirtystoneflaggingunderfoot。
Acab—drivervolunteeredtoshowmethegloryofthetownforsomuchanhour，andwithhimIwanderedfar。Heconceivedthatallthisturmoilandsquashwasathingtobereverentlyadmired，thatitwasgoodtohuddlementogetherinfifteenlayers，oneatopoftheother，andtodigholesinthegroundforoffices。
HesaidthatChicagowasalivetown，andthatallthecreatureshurryingbymewereengagedinbusiness。Thatistosaytheyweretryingtomakesomemoneythattheymightnotdiethroughlackoffoodtoputintotheirbellies。Hetookmetocanalsasblackasink，andfilledwithun—toldabominations，andbidmewatchthestreamoftrafficacrossthebridges。
Hethentookmeintoasaloon，andwhileIdrankmademenotethatthefloorwascoveredwithcoinssunkincement。A
Hottentotwouldnothavebeenguiltyofthissortofbarbarism。
Thecoinsmadeaneffectprettyenough，butthemanwhoputthemtherehadnothoughtofbeauty，and，therefore，hewasasavage。
\"Thenmycab—drivershowedmebusinessblocksgaywithsignsandstuddedwithfantasticandabsurdadvertisementsofgoods，andlookingdownthelongstreetsoadorned，itwasasthougheachvenderstoodathisdoorhowling：——\"Forthesakeofmymoney，employorbuyofme，andmeonly!\"
Haveyoueverseenacrowdatafamine—reliefdistribution？Youknowthenhowthemenleapintotheair，stretchingouttheirarmsabovethecrowdinthehopeofbeingseen，whilethewomendolorouslyslapthestomachsoftheirchildrenandwhimper。I
hadsoonerwatchfaminereliefthanthewhitemanengagedinwhathecallslegitimatecompetition。TheoneIunderstand。Theothermakesmeill。
Andthecabmansaidthatthesethingsweretheproofofprogress，andbythatIknewhehadbeenreadinghisnewspaper，aseveryintelligentAmericanshould。Thepaperstelltheirclienteleinlanguagefittedtotheircomprehensionthatthesnarlingtogetheroftelegraph—wires，theheavingupofhouses，andthemakingofmoneyisprogress。
Ispenttenhoursinthathugewilderness，wanderingthroughscoresofmilesoftheseterriblestreetsandjostlingsomefewhundredthousandoftheseterriblepeoplewhotalkedpaisabatthroughtheirnoses。
Thecabmanleftme；butafterawhileIpickedupanotherman，whowasfulloffigures，andintomyearshepouredthemasoccasionrequiredorthebigblankfactoriessuggested。Heretheyturnedoutsomanyhundredthousanddollars’worthofsuchandsuchanarticle；theresomanymillionotherthings；thishousewasworthsomanymilliondollars；thatonesomanymillion，moreorless。
Itwaslikelisteningtoachildbabblingofitshoardofshells。
Itwaslikewatchingafoolplayingwithbuttons。ButIwasexpectedtodomorethanlistenorwatch。HedemandedthatI
shouldadmire；andtheutmostthatIcouldsaywas：——\"Arethesethingsso？ThenIamverysorryforyou。\"
Thatmadehimangry，andhesaidthatinsularenvymademeunresponsive。So，yousee，Icouldnotmakehimunderstand。
AboutfourandahalfhoursafterAdamwasturnedoutoftheGardenofEdenhefelthungry，andso，biddingEvetakecarethatherheadwasnotbrokenbythedescendingfruit，shinnedupacocoanut—palm。Thathurthislegs，cuthisbreast，andmadehimbreatheheavily，andEvewastormentedwithfearlestherlordshouldmisshisfooting，andsobringthetragedyofthisworldtoanenderethecurtainhadfairlyrisen。HadImetAdamthen，Ishouldhavebeensorryforhim。To—dayIfindelevenhundredthousandofhissonsjustasfaradvancedastheirfatherintheartofgettingfood，andimmeasurablyinferiortohiminthattheythinkthattheirpalm—treesleadstraighttotheskies。
Consequently，Iamsorryinrathermorethanamilliondifferentways。
IntheEastbreadcomesnaturally，eventothepoorest，byalittlescratchingorthegiftofafriendnotquitesopoor。Inlessfavoredcountriesoneisapttoforget。ThenIwenttobed。
AndthatwasonaSaturdaynight。
Sundaybroughtmethequeerestexperiencesofall——arevelationofbarbarismcomplete。Ifoundaplacethatwasofficiallydescribedasachurch。Itwasacircusreally，butthattheworshippersdidnotknow。Therewereflowersallaboutthebuilding，whichwasfittedupwithplushandstainedoakandmuchluxury，includingtwistedbrasscandlesticksofseverestGothicdesign。
Tothesethingsandacongregationofsavagesenteredsuddenlyawonderfulman，completelyintheconfidenceoftheirGod，whomhetreatedcolloquiallyandexploitedverymuchasanewspaperreporterwouldexploitaforeignpotentate。But，unlikethenewspaperreporter，heneverallowedhislistenerstoforgetthathe，andnotHe，wasthecentreofattraction。Withavoiceofsilverandwithimageryborrowedfromtheauction—room，hebuiltupforhishearersaheavenonthelinesofthePalmerHouse（butwithallthegildingrealgold，andalltheplate—glassdiamond），andsetinthecentreofitaloud—voiced，argumentative，veryshrewdcreationthathecalledGod。Onesentenceatthispointcaughtmydelightedear。ItwasaproposofsomequestionoftheJudgment，andran：——\"No!ItellyouGoddoesn’tdobusinessthatway。\"
Hewasgivingthemadeitywhomtheycouldcomprehend，andagoldandjewelledheaveninwhichtheycouldtakeanaturalinterest。
Heinterlardedhisperformancewiththeslangofthestreets，thecounter，andtheexchange，andhesaidthatreligionoughttoenterintodailylife。Consequently，Ipresumeheintroduceditasdailylife——hisownandthelifeofhisfriends。
ThenIescapedbeforetheblessing，desiringnobenedictionatsuchhands。Butthepersonswholistenedseemedtoenjoythemselves，andIunderstoodthatIhadmetwithapopularpreacher。
Lateron，whenIhadperusedthesermonsofagentlemancalledTalmageandsomeothers，IperceivedthatIhadbeenlisteningtoaverymildspecimen。Yetthatman，withhisbrutalgoldandsilveridols，hishands—in—pocket，cigar—in—mouth，andhat—on—the—back—of—the—headstyleofdealingwiththesacredvessels，wouldcounthimself，spiritually，quitecompetenttosendamissiontoconverttheIndians。
AllthatSundayIlistenedtopeoplewhosaidthatthemerefactofspikingdownstripsofirontowood，andgettingasteamandironthingtorunalongthemwasprogress，thatthetelephonewasprogress，andthenet—workofwiresoverheadwasprogress。Theyrepeatedtheirstatementsagainandagain。
OneofthemtookmetotheirCityHallandBoardofTradeworks，andpointeditoutwithpride。Itwasveryugly，butverybig，andthestreetsinfrontofitwerenarrowandunclean。WhenI
sawthefacesofthemenwhodidbusinessinthatbuilding，I
feltthattherehadbeenamistakeintheirbilleting。
Bytheway，’tisaconsolationtofeelthatIamnotwritingtoanEnglishaudience。ThenIshouldhavetofallintofeignedecstasiesoverthemarvellousprogressofChicagosincethedaysofthegreatfire，toalludecasuallytotheraisingoftheentirecitysomanyfeetabovethelevelofthelakewhichitfaces，andgenerallytogrovelbeforethegoldencalf。Butyou，whoaredesperatelypoor，andthereforebythesestandardsofnoac—count，knowthings，willunderstandwhenIwritethattheyhavemanagedtogetamillionofmentogetheronflatland，andthatthebulkofthesementogetherappeartobelowerthanMahajansandnotsocompanionableasaPunjabiJatafterharvest。
ButIdon’tthinkitwastheblindhurryofthepeople，theirargot，andtheirgrandignoranceofthingsbeyondtheirimmediateintereststhatdispleasedmesomuchasastudyofthedailypapersofChicago。