Imprimis，therewassomesortofadisputebetweenNewYorkandChicagoastowhichtownshouldgiveanexhibitionofproductstobehereafterholden，andthroughthemediumoftheirmoredignifiedjournalsthetwocitieswereyahooingandhi—yi—ingateachotherlikeoppositionnewsboys。Theycalledithumor，butitsoundedlikesomethingquitedifferent。
Thatwasonlythefirsttrouble。Thesecondlayinthetoneoftheproductions。Leadingarticleswhichincludegemssuchas\"Backofsuchandsuchaplace，\"or，\"Wenoticed，Tuesday，suchanevent，\"or，\"don’t\"for\"doesnot，\"arethingstobeacceptedwiththankfulness。Allthatmademewanttocrywasthatinthesepaperswerefaithfullyreproducedallthewar—criesand\"back—talk\"ofthePalmerHousebar，theslangofthebarber—shops，thementalelevationandintegrityofthePullmancarporter，thedignityofthedimemuseum，andtheaccuracyoftheexcitedfish—wife。Iamsternlyforbiddentobelievethatthepapereducatesthepublic。ThenIamcompelledtobelievethatthepubliceducatethepaper；yetsuicidesonthepressarerare。
Justwhenthesenseofunrealityandoppressionwasstrongestuponme，andwhenImostwantedhelp，amansatatmysideandbegantotalkwhathecalledpolitics。
Ihadchancedtopayaboutsixshillingsforatravelling—capwortheighteen—pence，andhemadeofthefactatextforasermon。Hesaidthatthiswasarichcountry，andthatthepeoplelikedtopaytwohundredpercent，onthevalueofathing。Theycouldaffordit。Hesaidthatthegovernmentimposedaprotectivedutyoffromtentoseventypercentonforeign—madearticles，andthattheAmericanmanufacturerconsequentlycouldsellhisgoodsforahealthysum。Thusanimportedhatwould，withduty，costtwoguineas。TheAmericanmanufacturerwouldmakeahatforseventeenshillings，andsellitforonepoundfifteen。
Inthesethings，hesaid，laythegreatnessofAmericaandtheeffetenessofEngland。Competitionbetweenfactoryandfactorykeptthepricesdowntodecentlimits，butIwasnevertoforgetthatthispeoplewerearichpeople，notlikethepauperContinentals，andthattheyenjoyedpayingduties。
Tomyweakintellectthisseemedratherlikejugglingwithcounters。EverythingthatIhaveyetpurchasedcostsabouttwiceasmuchasitwouldinEngland，andwhennativemadeisofinferiorquality。
Moreover，sincetheselineswerefirstthoughtof，Ihavevisitedagentlemanwhoownedafactorywhichusedtoproducethings。Heownedthefactorystill。Notamanwasinit，buthewasdrawingahandsomeincomefromasyndicateoffirmsforkeepingitclosed，inorderthatitmightnotproducethings。Thismansaidthatifprotectionwereabandoned，atideofpauperlaborwouldfloodthecountry，andasIlookedathisfactoryIthoughthowentirelybetteritwastohavenolaborofanykindwhateverratherthanfacesohorribleafuture。
Meantime，doyourememberthatthispeculiarcountryenjoyspayingmoneyforvaluenotreceived？Iamanalien，andforthelifeofmeIcannotseewhysixshillingsshouldbepaidforeighteen—pennycaps，oreightshillingsforhalf—crowncigar—cases。Whenthecountryfillsuptoadecentlypopulatedlevelafewmillionpeoplewhoarenotalienswillbesmittenwiththesamesortofblindness。
Butmyfriend’sassertionsomehowthoroughlysuitedthegrotesqueferocityofChicago。
Seenowandjudge!InthevillageofIsserJang，ontheroadtoMontgomery，therebefourChangarwomenwhowinnowcorn——someseventybushelsayear。BeyondtheirhutlivesPurunDass，themoney—lender，whoongoodsecuritylendsasmuchasfivethousandrupeesinayear。JowalaSingh，thesmith，mendsthevillageplows——somethirty，brokenattheshare，inthreehundredandsixty—fivedays；andHukmChund，whoisletter—writerandheadofthelittleclubunderthetravellers’tree，generallykeepsthevillagepostedinsuchgossipasthebarberandthemid—wifehavenotyetmadepublicproperty。
Chicagohusksandwinnowsherwheatbythemillionbushels，ahundredbankslendhundredsofmillionsofdollarsintheyear，andscoresoffactoriesturnoutplow—gearandmachinerybysteam。ScoresofdailypapersdoworkwhichHukmChundandthebarberandthemidwifeperform，withdueregardforpublicopinion，inthevillageofIsserJang。Sofarasmanufactoriesgo，thedifferencebetweenChicagoonthelake，andIsserJangontheMontgomeryroad，isoneofdegreeonly，andnotofkind。Asfarastheunderstandingoftheusesoflifegoes，IsserJang，forallitsseasonalcholers，hastheadvantageoverChicago。
JowalaSinghknowsandtakescaretoavoidthethreeorfourghoul—hauntedfieldsontheoutskirtsofthevillage；butheisnoturgedbymillionsofdevilstorunaboutalldayinthesunandswearthathisplowsharesarethebestinthePunjab；nordoesPurunDassflyforthinanekkamorethanonceortwiceayear，andheknows，onapinch，howtousetherailwayandthetelegraphaswellasanysonofIsraelinChicago。Butthisisabsurd。
TheEastisnottheWest，andthesemenmustcontinuetodealwiththemachineryoflife，andtocallitprogress。Theirverypreachersdarenotrebukethem。Theyglossoverthehuntingformoneyandthethrice—sharpenedbitternessofAdam’scurse，bysayingthatsuchthingsdoweramanwithalargerrangeofthoughtsandhigheraspirations。Theydonotsay，\"Freeyourselvesfromyourownslavery，\"butrather，\"Ifyoucanpossiblymanageit，donotsetquitesomuchstoreonthethingsofthisworld。\"
Andtheydonotknowwhatthethingsofthisworldare!
Iwentofftoseecattlekilled，bywayofclearingmyhead，which，asyouwillperceive，wasgettingmuddled。TheysayeveryEnglishmangoestotheChicagostock—yards。Youshallfindthemaboutsixmilesfromthecity；andoncehavingseenthem，youwillneverforgetthesight。
Asfarastheeyecanreachstretchesatown—shipofcattle—pens，cunninglydividedintoblocks，sothattheanimalsofanypencanbespeedilydrivenoutclosetoaninclinedtimberpathwhichleadstoanelevatedcoveredwaystraddlinghighabovethepens。
Theseviaductsaretwo—storied。Ontheupperstorytrampthedoomedcattle，stolidlyforthemostpart。Onthelower，withascufflingofsharphoofsandmultitudinousyells，runthepigs，thesameendbeingappointedforeach。Thusyouwillseethegangsofcattlewaitingtheirturn——astheywaitsometimesfordays；andtheyneednotbedistressedbythesightoftheirfellowsrunningaboutinthefearofdeath。Alltheyknowisthatamanonhorsebackcausestheirnext—doorneighborstomovebymeansofawhip。Certainbarsandfencesareunshipped，andbehold!thatcrowdhavegoneupthemouthofaslopingtunnelandreturnnomore。
Itisdifferentwiththepigs。Theyshriekbackthenewsoftheexodustotheirfriends，andahundredpensskirlresponsive。
ItwastothepigsIfirstaddressedmyself。Selectingaviaductwhichwasfullofthem，asIcouldhear，thoughIcouldnotsee，Imarkedasombrebuildingwheretoitran，andwentthere，notunalarmedbystraycattlewhohadmanagedtoescapefromtheirproperquarters。Apleasantsmellofbrinewarnedmeofwhatwascoming。Ienteredthefactoryandfounditfullofporkinbarrels，andonanotherstorymoreporkun—barrelled，andinahugeroomthehalvesofswine，forwhosebehoofgreatlumpsoficewerebeingpitchedinatthewindow。Thatroomwasthemortuarychamberwherethepigslayforalittlewhileinstateeretheybegantheirprogressthroughsuchpassagesaskingsmaysometimestravel。
Turningacorner，andnotnotinganoverheadarrangementofgreasedrail，wheel，andpulley，Iranintothearmsoffourevisceratedcarcasses，allpurewhiteandofahumanaspect，pushedbyamancladinvehementred。WhenIleapedaside，thefloorwasslipperyunderme。Alsotherewasaflavoroffarm—yardinmynostrilsandtheshoutingofamultitudeinmyears。Buttherewasnojoyinthatshouting。Twelvemenstoodintwolinessixaside。Betweenthemandoverheadrantherailwayofdeaththathadnearlyshuntedmethroughthewindow。
Eachmancarriedaknife，thesleevesofhisshirtwerecutoffattheelbows，andfrombosomtoheelhewasblood—red。
Beyondthisperspectivewasacolumnofsteam，andbeyondthatwaswhereIworkedmyawe—struckway，unwillingtotouchbeamorwall。Theatmospherewasstiflingasanightintherainsbyreasonofthesteamandthecrowd。Iclimbedtothebeginningofthingsand，percheduponanarrowbeam，overlookedverynearlyallthepigseverbredinWisconsin。Theyhadjustbeenshotoutofthemouthoftheviaductandhuddledtogetherinalargepen。
Thencetheywereflickedpersuasively，afewatatime，intoasmallerchamber，andthereamanfixedtackleontheirhinderlegs，sothattheyroseintheair，suspendedfromtherailwayofdeath。
Oh!itwasthentheyshriekedandcalledontheirmothers，andmadepromisesofamendment，tillthetackle—manpuntedthemintheirbacksandtheyslidheaddownintoabrick—flooredpassage，verylikeabigkitchensink，thatwasblood—red。Thereawaitedthemaredmanwithaknife，whichhepassedjauntilythroughtheirthroats，andthefull—voicedshriekbecameasplutter，andthenafallasofheavytropicalrain，andtheredman，whowasbackedagainstthepassage—wall，youwillunderstand，stoodclearofthewildlykickinghoofsandpassedhishandoverhiseyes，notfromanyfeelingofcompassion，butbecausethespurtedbloodwasinhiseyes，andhehadbarelytimetostickthenextarrival。Thenthatfirststuckswinedropped，stillkicking，intoagreatvatofboilingwater，andspokenomorewords，butwallowedinobediencetosomeunseenmachinery，andpresentlycameforthatthelowerendofthevat，andwasheavedonthebladesofabluntpaddle—wheel，thingswhichsaid\"Hough，hough，hough!\"andskelpedallthehairoffhim，exceptwhatlittleacoupleofmenwithknivescouldremove。
Thenhewasagainhitchedbytheheelstothatsaidrailway，andpasseddownthelineofthetwelvemen，eachmanwithaknife——losingwitheachmanacertainamountofhisindividuality，whichwastakenawayinawheel—barrow，andwhenhereachedthelastmanhewasverybeautifultobehold，butexcessivelyunstuffedandlimp。Preponderanceofindividualitywaseverabartoforeigntravel。ThatpigcouldhavebeenincasetovisityouinIndiahadhenotpartedwithsomeofhismostcherishednotions。
Thedissectingpartimpressedmenotsomuchastheslaying。
Theyweresoexcessivelyalive，thesepigs。Andthen，theyweresoexcessivelydead，andthemaninthedripping，clammy，notpassagedidnotseemtocare，anderethebloodofsuchaonehadceasedtofoamonthefloor，suchanotherandfourfriendswithhimhadshriekedanddied。Butapigisonlytheuncleananimal——theforbiddenoftheprophet。
VI
TheAmericanArmyISHOULDverymuchliketodeliveradissertationontheAmericanarmyandthepossibilitiesofitsextension。Yousee，itissuchabeautifullittlearmy，andthedearpeopledon’tquiteunderstandwhattodowithit。Thetheoryisthatitisaninstructionalnucleusroundwhichthemilitiaofthecountrywillrally，andfromwhichtheywillgetastiffeningintimeofdanger。Yetotherpeopleconsiderthatthearmyshouldbebuilt，likeapairoflazytongs——ontheprincipleofelasticityandextension——sothatintimeofneeditmayfillupitsskeletonbattalionsandemptysaddletroops。Thisisrealwisdom，be—causetheAmericanarmy，asatpresentconstituted，ismadeupof：——Twenty—fiveregimentsinfantry，tencompanieseach。
Tenregimentscavalry，twelvecompanieseach。
Fiveregimentsartillery，twelvecompanieseach。
Nowthereisanotionintheairtoreorganizetheserviceontheselines：——Eighteenregimentsinfantryatfourbattalions，fourcompanieseach；thirdbattalion，skeleton；fourthonpaper。
Eightregimentscavalryatfourbattalions，fourtroopseach；
thirdbattalion，skeleton；fourthonpaper。
Fiveregimentsartilleryatfourbattalions，fourcompanieseach；
thirdbattalion，skeleton；fourthonpaper。
Observethebeautyofthisbusiness。Thethirdbattalionwillhaveitsofficers，butnomen；thefourthwillprobablyhavearendezvousandsomeequipment。
Itisnotcontemplatedtogiveitanythingmoredefiniteatpresent。Assumingtheregimentstobemadeuptofullcomplement，wegetanarmyoffiftythousandmen，whichaftertheneedpassesawaymustbecutdownfiftypercent，tothehugedelightoftheofficers。
ThemilitaryneedsoftheStatesbethree：（a）Frontierwarfare，anemploymentwellwithinthegripofthepresentarmyoftwenty—fivethousand，andinthenatureofthingsgrowinglessarduousyearbyyear；（b）internalriotsandcommotionswhichriseuplikeadustdevil，whirlfuriously，anddieoutlongbeforetheauthoritiesatWashingtoncouldbegintofillupeventhethirdskeletonbattalions，muchlesshuntaboutformaterialforthefourth；（c）civilwar，inwhich，asthecaseintheaffairoftheNorthandSouth，theregulararmywouldbeswampedinthemassofmilitiaandarmedvolunteerswouldturnthelandintoahell。
Yettheauthoritiespersistinregardinganexternalwarasathingtobeseriouslyconsidered。
ThePowerthatwoulddisembarktroopsonAmericansoilwouldbecapableofheavingashovelfulofmudintotheAtlanticinthehopeoffillingitup。Consequently，theauthoritiesarefascinatedwiththeideaoftheslidingscaleorconcertinaarmy。
Thisisanhereditaryinstinct，foryouknowthatwhenweEnglishhavegottogethertwocompanies，onemachinegun，asickbullock，fortygenerals，andamassofW。O。forms，wesaywepossess\"anarmycorpscapableofindefiniteextension。\"
TheAmericanarmyisabeautifullittlearmy。Someday，whenalltheIndiansarehappilydeadordrunk，itoughttomakethefinestscientificandsurveycorpsthattheworldhaseverseen；
itdoesexcellentworknow，butthereisthisdefectinitsnature：Itisofficered，asyouknow，fromWestPoint。
ThemischiefofitisthatWestPointseemstobecreatedforthepurposeofspreadingageneralknowledgeofmilitarymattersamongthepeople。Aboygoesuptothatinstitution，getshispass，andreturnstocivillife，sotheytellme，withadangerousknowledgethatheisasucklingVonMoltke，andmayapplyhislearningwhenoccasionoffers。Giventrouble，thatmanwillbeanuisance，becauseheisahideouslyversatileAmerican，tobeginwith，ascock—sureofhimselfasamancanbe，andwithalltheracialdisregardforhumanlifetobackhim，throughanydemi—semi—professionalgeneralship。
Inacountrywhere，astherecordsofthedailypapersshow，menengagedinaconflictwithpoliceorjailsarealltooreadytoadoptamilitaryformationandgetheavilyshotinasortofcheap，half—constructedwarfare，insteadofbeingdecentlyscaredbytheappearanceofthemilitary，thissortofarrangementdoesnotseemwise。
ThebondbetweentheStatesisofanamazingtenuity。SolongastheydonotabsolutelymarchintotheDistrictofColumbia，sitontheWashingtonstatues，andinventaflagoftheirown，theycanlegislate，lynch，huntnegroesthroughswamps，divorce，railroad，andrampageasmuchasevertheychoose。Theydonotneedknowledgeoftheirownmilitarystrengthtobacktheirgeniallawlessness。
Thatregulararmy，whichisadearlittlearmy，shouldbekepttoitself，bloodedondetachmentduty，turnedintothepathsofscience，andnowandagainassembledatfeastsofFreeMasons，andsoforth。
Itistootinytobeapoliticalpower。TheimmortalwreckoftheGrandArmyoftheRepublicisapoliticalpowerofthelargestandmostunblushingdescription。Itoughtnottohelptolaythefoundationsofanamateurmilitarypowerthatisblindandirresponsible。
Bygreatgoodlucktheevil—mindedtrain，alreadydelayedtwelvehoursbyaburnedbridge，broughtmetothecityonaSaturdaybywayofthatvalleywhichtheMormons，overtheirefforts，hadcausedtoblossomliketherose。TwelvehourspreviouslyIhadenteredintoanewworldwhere，inconversation，everyonewaseitheraMormonoraGentile。ItisnotseemlyforafreeandindependentcitizentodubhimselfaGentile，buttheMayorofOgden——whichistheGentilecityofthevalley——toldmethattheremustbesomedistinctionbetweenthetwoflocks。
LongbeforethefruitorchardsofLoganortheshininglevelsoftheSaltLakehadbeenreached，thatmayor——himselfaGentile，andonerenownedforhisdealingswiththeMormons——toldmethatthegreatquestionoftheexistenceofthepowerwithinthepowerwasbeinggraduallysolvedbytheballotandbyeducation。
Allthebeautyofthevalleycouldnotmakemeforgetit。Andthevalleyisveryfair。Benchafterbenchofland，flatasatableagainsttheflanksoftheringinghills，markswheretheSaltLakerestedforawhileinitscollapsefromaninlandseatoalakefiftymileslongandthirtybroad。
TherearethemakingsofaveryfinecreedaboutMormonism。Tobeginwith，theChurchisrathermoreabsolutethanthatofRome。
Dropthepolygamyplankintheplatform，butontheotherhanddeallightlywithcertainformsofexcess；keepthequalityoftherecruitdowntothelowmentallevel，andseethatthebestofalltheagriculturalscienceavailableisinthehandsoftheelders，andthereyouhaveafirst—classengineforpioneerwork。
ThetawdrymysticismandtheborrowingfromFreemasonryservethelowcasteSwedeandDane，theWelshmanandtheCornishcotter，justaswellasahighlyorganizedheaven。
ThenIwentaboutthestreetsandpeepedintopeople’sfrontwindows，andthedecorationsuponthetableswereafterthemanneroftheyear1850。MainStreetwasfullofcountryfolkfromthedesert，comeintotradewiththeZionMercantileCo—operativeInstitute。TheChurch，Ifancy，looksafterthefinancesofthisthing，anditconsequentlypaysgooddividends。
Thefacesofthewomenwerenotlovely。In—deed，butforthecertaintythatuglypersonsarejustasirrationalinthematterofundividedloveasthebeautiful，itseemsthatpolygamywasablessedinstitutionforthewomen，andthatonlythedreadthreatsofthespiritualpowercoulddrivethehulking，board—facedmenintoit。Thewomenworehideousgarments，andthemenappearedtobetiedupwithstrings。
Theywouldmarketallthatafternoon，andonSundaygotothepraying—place。Itriedtotalktoafewofthem，buttheyspokestrangetongues，andstaredandbehavedlikecows。Yetonewoman，andnotanaltogetheruglyone，confidedtomethatshehatedtheideaofSaltLakeCitybeingturnedintoashow—placefortheamusementoftheGentiles。
\"Ifwe’haveourowninstitutions，thatain’tnoreasonwhypeopleshouldcome’ereandstareatus，hisit？\"
Thedropped\"h\"betrayedher。
\"AndwhendidyouleaveEngland？\"Isaid。
\"Summerof’84。IamDorset，\"shesaid。\"TheMormonagentwasverygoodtous，andwewasverypoor。Nowwe’rebetteroff——myfather，an’mother，an’me。\"
\"ThenyouliketheState？\"
Shemisunderstoodatfirst。
\"Oh，Iain’tlivin’inthestateofpolygamy。Notme，yet。I
ain’tmarried。IlikewhereIam。I’vegotthingso’myown——andsomeland。\"
\"ButIsupposeyouwill——\"
\"Notme。Iain’tlikethemSwedesan’Danes。Iain’tgotnothin’tosayfororagainstpolygamy。It’stheelders’
business，an’betweenyouan’me，Idon’tthinkit’sgoingonmuchlonger。You’ll’eartheminthe’ouseto—morrertalkin’asifitwasspreadin’alloverAmerica。TheSwedes，theythinkithis。Iknowithisn’t。\"
\"Butyou’vegotyourlandallright？\"
\"Oh，yes；we’vegotourland，an’weneversayaughtagainstpolygamy，o’course——father，an’mother，an’me。\"
Onatable—landoverlookingallthecitystandstheUnitedStatesgarrisonofinfantryandartillery。TheStateofUtahcandonearlyanythingitpleasesuntilthatmuch—to—be—desiredhourwhentheGentilevoteshallquietlyswampoutMormonism；butthegarrisoniskeptthereincaseofaccidents。Thebig，shark—mouthed，pig—eared，heavy—bonedfarmerssometimestaketotheircreedwithwildestfanaticism，andinpastyearshavemadelifeexcessivelyunpleasantfortheGentilewhenhewasfewintheland。Butto—day，sofarfromkillingopenlyorsecretly，orburningGentilefarms，itisalltheMormondaredotofeeblytrytoboycotttheinterloper。HisjournalspreachdefiancetotheUnitedStatesGovernment，andintheTabernacleonaSundaythepreachersfollowsuit。
WhenIwentthere，theplacewasfullofpeoplewhowouldhavebeenmuchbetterforawashing。
AmanroseupandtoldthemthattheywerethechosenofGod，theelectofIsrael；thattheyweretoobeytheirpriests，andthattherewasagoodtimecoming。Ifancythattheyhadheardallthisbeforesomanytimesitproducednoimpressionwhatever，evenasthesublimestmysteriesofanotherfaithlosesaltthroughconstantiteration。Theybreathedheavilythroughtheirnoses，andstaredstraightinfrontofthem——impassiveasflatfish。
VII
America’sDefencelessCoastsJUSTsupposethatAmericaweretwentydaysdistantfromEngland。
Thenamancouldstudyitscustomswithundividedsoul；butbeingsoverynearnextdoor，hegoesaboutthelandwithoneeyeonthesmokeoftheflesh—potsoftheoldcountryacrosstheseas，whilewiththeotherhesquintsbiliouslyandprejudiciallyatthealien。
Icanlaymyhanduponmysacredheartandaffirmthatuptoto—dayIhavenevertakenthreeconsecutivetripsbyrailwithoutbeingdelayedbyanaccident。Thatitwasanaccidenttoanothertrainmakesnodifference。Myownturnmaycomenext。
Afewmilesfrompeaceful，pleasure—lovingLakewoodtheyhadmanagedtoupsetanexpressgoodstraintothedetrimentoftheflimsypermanentway；andthusthetrainwhichshouldhaveleftatthreedepartedatsevenintheevening。Iwasnotangry。I
wasscarcelyeveninterested。WhenanAmericantrainstartsontimeIbegintoanticipatedisaster——avisitationforsuchgoodluck，youunderstand。
Buffaloisalargevillageofaquarterofamillioninhabitants，situatedontheseashore，whichisfalselycalledLakeErie。Itisapeacefulplace，andmorelikeanEnglishcountytownthanmostofitsfriends。
Onceclearofthemainbusinessstreets，youlaunchuponmilesandmilesofasphaltedroadsrunningbetweencottagesandcut—stoneresidencesofthosewhohavemoneyandpeace。AlltheEasterncitiesownthisfringeofelegance，butexceptinChicagonowhereisthefringedeeperormoreheavilywidenedthaninBuffalo。
TheAmericanwillgotoabadplacebecausehecannotspeakEnglish，andisproudofit；butheknowshowtomakeahomeforhimselfandhismate，knowshowtokeepthegrassgreeninfrontofhisveranda，andhowtofullestusethemechanismoflife——hotwater，gas，goodbell—ropes，telephones，etc。Hisshopssellhimdelightfulhouseholdfitmentsatverymoderaterates，andheisencompassedwithallmanneroflabor—savingappliances。Thisdoesnotpreventhiswifeandhisdaughterworkingthemselvestodeathoverhouseholddrudgery；buttheintentionisgood。
Whenyouhaveseentheoutsideofafewhundredthousandofthesehomesandtheinsidesofafewscore，youbegintounderstandwhytheAmerican（therespectableone）doesnottakeadeepinterestinwhattheycall\"politics，\"andwhyheissovaguelyandgenerallyproudofthecountrythatenableshimtobesocomfortable。Howcantheownerofadaintychalet，withsmoked—oakfurniture，imitationVenetiantapestrycurtains，hotandcoldwaterlaidon，abedofgeraniumsandhollyhocks，ababycrawlingdowntheveranda，andaself—actingtwirly—whirlyhosegentlyhissingoverthegrassinthebalmyduskofanAugustevening——howcansuchamandespairoftheRepublic，ordescendintothestreetsonvotingdaysandmixcheerfullywith\"theboys\"？
No，itisthestranger——thehomelessjackalofastranger——whoseinterestinthecountryislimitedtohishotel—billandarailway—ticket，thatcanrunfromDantoBeersheba，crying：——\"Allisbarren!\"
EverygoodAmericanwantsahome——aprettyhouseandalittlepieceoflandofhisveryown；andeveryothergoodAmericanseemstogetit。
ItwaswhenmygiganticintellectwasgrapplingwiththisquestionthatIconfirmedadiscoveryhalfmadeintheWest。Thenativesofmostclassesmarryyoung——absurdlyyoung。Oneofmyinformants——notthetwenty—two—year—oldhusbandImetonLakeChautauqua——saidthatfromtwentytotwenty—fourwasabouttheusualtimeforthisfolly。AndwhenIaskedwhetherthepracticewasconfinedtotheconstitutionallyimprovidentclasses，hesaid\"No\"veryquickly。Hesaiditwasageneralcustom，andnobodysawanythingwrongwithit。
\"Iguess，perhaps，veryearlymarriagemayaccountforagooddealofthedivorce，\"saidhe，reflectively。
WhereatIwassilent。Theirmarriagesandtheirdivorcesonlyconcernthesepeople；andneitherItravelling，noryou，whomaycomeafter，haveanyrighttomakeruderemarksaboutthem。
Only——onlycomingfromalandwhereamanbeginstolightlyturntothoughtsoflovenotbeforeheisthirty，Iownthatplayingathouse—keepingbeforethatagerathersurprisedme。OutintheWest，though，theymarry，boysandgirls，fromsixteenupward，andIhavemetmorethanonebrideoffifteen——husbandagedtwenty。
\"Whenmanandwomanareagreed，whatcantheKazido？\"
Fromthosepeacefulhomes，andtheenvytheyinspire（twotrunksandawalking—stickandabitofpineforestinBritishColumbiaarenotsatisfactory，anywayyoulookatthem），IturnedmetothelakefrontofBuffalo，wherethesteamersbellowtothegrainelevators，andthelocomotivesyelltothecoal—shutes，andthecanalbargesjostlethelumber—rafthalfamilelongasitsnakesacrossthewaterintowofalaunch，andearth，andsky，andseaalikearethickwithsmoke。
Intheolddays，beforetherailwayranintothecity，allthebusinessquartersfringedthelake—shorewherethetrafficwaslargest。To—daythebusinessquartershavegoneup—towntomeettherailroad；thelaketrafficstillexists，butyoushallfindanarrowbeltofred—brickdesolation，brokenwindows，gap—tootheddoors，andstreetswherethegrassgrowsbetweenthecrowdedwharvesandthebustlingcity。TothelakefrontcomeswheatfromChicago，lumber，coal，andore，andalargetradeincheapexcursionists。
Itwasmyfelicitytocatchagrainsteamerandanelevatoremptyingthatsamesteamer。Thesteamermighthavebeentwothousandtonsburden。Shewasladenwithwheatinbulk；fromstemtostern，thirteenfeetdeep，laytheclean，redwheat。
Therewasnotwenty—fivepercentdirtadmixtureaboutitatall。
Itwaswheat，fitforthegrindstonesasitlay。Theymanoeuvredthefore—hatchofthatsteamerdirectlyunderanelevator——ahouseofredtinahundredandfiftyfeethigh。Thentheyletdownintothatfore—hatchatrunkasifithadbeenthetrunkofanelephant，butstiff，becauseitwasapipeofiron—champedwood。Andthetrunkhadasteel—shodnosetoit，andcontainedanendlesschainofsteelbuckets。
Thenthecaptainswore，raisinghiseyestoheaven，andagruffvoiceansweredhimfromtheplacehesworeat，andcertainmachinery，alsointhefirmament，begantoclack，andtheglittering，steel—shodnoseofthattrunkburrowedintothewheat，andthewheatquiveredandsunkupontheinstantaswatersinkswhenthesiphonsucks，becausethesteelbucketswithinthetrunkwereflyingupontheirendlessround，carryingawayeachitsappointedmorselofwheat。
TheelevatorwasaPersianwellwheel——awheelsquashedoutthinandcasedinapipe，awheeldrivennotbybullocks，butbymuchhorse—power，lickingupthegrainattherateofthou—sandsofbushelsthehour。Andthewheatsunkintothefore—hatchwhileamanlooked——sunktillthebrowntimbersofthebulkheadsshowedbare，andmenleapeddownthroughcloudsofgoldendustandshovelledthewheatfuriouslyroundthenoseofthetrunk，andgotasteam—shovelofglitteringsteelandmadethatshovelalso，tillthereremainedofthegrainnotmorethanahorseleavesinthefoldofhisnose—bag。
InthismannerdotheyhandlewheatatBuffalo。Ononesideoftheelevatoristhesteamer，ontheothertherailwaytrack；andthewheatisloadedintothecarsinbulk。Wah!wah!Godisgreat，andIdonotthinkHeeverintendedGarSahaiorLuckmanNaraintosupplyEnglandwithherwheat。IndiacancutinnotwithoutprofittoherselfwhenherharvestisgoodandtheAmeri—canyieldpoor；butthisverybigcountrycan，upontheaverage，supplytheearthwithallthebeefandbreadthatisrequired。
Amaninthetrainsaidtome：——\"Wekinfeedalltheearth，jestaseasilyaswekinwhipalltheearth。\"
Nowthesecondstatementisasfalseasthefirstistrue。OneofthesedaystherespectableRepublicwillfindthisout。
Unfortunatelywe，theEnglish，willneverbethepeopletoteachher；becausesheisacharteredlibertineallowedtosayanddoanythingshelikes，fromdemandingtheheadoftheempressinaneditorialwaste—basket，tochevyingCanadianschoonersupanddowntheAlaskaSeas。Itisperfectlyimpossibletogotowarwiththesepeople，whatevertheymaydo。
Theyaremuchtoonice，inthefirstplace，andinthesecond，itwouldthrowoutallthepassengertrafficoftheAtlantic，andupsetthefinancialarrangementsoftheEnglishsyndicateswhohaveinvestedtheirmoneyinbreweries，railways，andthelike，andinthethird，it’snottobedone。Everybodyknowsthat，andnoonebetterthantheAmerican。
Yetthereareotherpowerswhoarenot\"ohaiband\"（ofthebrotherhood）——China，forinstance。TrytobelieveanirresponsiblewriterwhenheassuresyouthatChina’sfleetto—day，ifproperlymanned，couldwafttheentireAmericannavyoutofthewaterandintotheblue。Thebig，fatRepublicthatisafraidofnothing，becausenothinguptothepresentdatehashappenedtomakeherafraid，isasunprotectedasajelly—fish。
Notinternally，ofcourse——itwouldbemadnessforanyPowertothrowmenintoAmerica；theywoulddie——butasfarasregardscoastdefence。
Fromfivemilesoutatsea（Ihaveseenatestofher\"fortified\"
ports）ashipofthepowerofH。M。S。\"Collingwood\"（theyhaven’trunheronarockyet）wouldwipeoutanyoreverytownfromSanFranciscotoLongBranch；andthreefirst—classironcladswouldaccountforNewYork，Bartholdi’sStatueandall。
Reflectonthis。’Twouldbe\"Payuporgoup\"roundtheentirecoastoftheUnitedStates。TothisfuriouslyanswersthepatrioticAmerican：——\"Weshouldnotpay。WeshouldinventaColumbiadinPittsburgor——oranywhereelse，andblowanyoutsiderintoh——l。\"
Theymightinvent。Theymightlaywastetheircitiesandretireinland，fortheycansubsistentirelyontheirownproduce。
Meantime，inawarwagedtheonlywayitcouldbewagedbyanunscrupulousPower，theircoastcitiesandtheirdock—yardswouldbeashes。Theycouldconstructtheirnavyinlandiftheyliked，butyoucouldneverbringashipdowntothewater—ways，astheystandnow。
Theycouldnot，withanordinarywaterpatrol，despatchoneregimentofmensixmilesacrosstheseas。Therewouldbeaboutfivemillionexcessivelyangry，armedmenpentupwithinAmericanlimits。Thesemenwouldrequireshipstogetthemselvesafloat。
Thecountryhasnosuchships，anduntiltheshipswerebuiltNewYorkneednotbeallowedasingle—wheeledcarriagewithinherlimits。
BeholdnowthegloriousconditionofthisRepublicwhichhasnofear。Thereisransomandlootpastthecountingofmanonherseaboardalone——plunderthatwouldenrichanation——andshehasneitheranavynorhalfadozenfirst—classportstoguardthewhole。Nomancatchesasnakebythetail，becausethecreaturewillsting；butyoucanbuildafirearoundasnakethatwillmakeitsquirm。
Thecountryissupposedtobebuildinganavynow。Whentheshipsarecompletedheralliancewillbeworthhaving——iftheallianceofanyrepubliccanbereliedupon。Forthenextthreeyearsshecanbehurt，andbadlyhurt。Pityitisthatsheisofourownblood，lookingatthematterfromaPindarrispointofview。Dogcannoteatdog。
ThesesinfulreflectionswerepromptedbythesightofthebeautifullyunprotectedconditionofBuffalo——acitythatcouldbemadetopayupfivemilliondollarswithoutfeelingit。Therearehercompaniesofinfantryinasortofportthere。Agun—boatbroughtoverinpiecesfromNiagaracouldgetthemoneyandgetawaybeforeshecouldbecaught，whileanunarmoredgun—boatguardingTorontocouldravagethetownsonthelakes。Whenonehearssomuchofthenationthatcanwhiptheearth，itis，tosaytheleastofit，surprisingtofindhersotemptinglyspankable。
TheaverageAmericancitizenseemstohaveanotionthatanyPowerengagedinstrifewiththeStarSpangledBannerwilldisembarkmenfromflat—bottomedboatsonaconvenientbeachforthepurposeofbeingshotdownbylocalmilitia。Inhisownsimplephraseology：——\"Notbyadarnedsight。No，sir。\"
Ransomatlongrangewillbeaboutthesizeofit——cashorcrash。
Letusrevisitcalmerscenes。
IntheheartofBuffalotherestandsamagnificentbuildingwhichthepopulationdoinnocentlystyleamusic—hall。Everybodycomeshereofeveningstositaroundlittletablesandlistentoafirst—classorchestra。TheplaceissomethingliketheGaietyTheatreatSimla，enlargedtwentytimes。The\"LightBrigade\"ofBuffalooccupytheboxesandthestage，\"asitwasatSimlainthedaysofold，\"andtheotherssitintheparquet。HereIwentwithafriend——poororbooristhemanwhocannotpickupafriendforaseasoninAmerica——andherewasshownthereallysmartfolkofthecity。IgrievetosayIlaughed，becausewhenanAmericanwishestobecorrecthesetshimselftoimitatetheEnglishman。Thishedoesvilely，andearnsnotonlythecontemptofhisbrethren，buttheamusedscornoftheBriton。
Isawonemanwhowaspointedouttomeasbeingtheglassoffashionhereabouts。HewasaggressivelyEnglishinhisget—up。
Fromeye—glasstotrouser—hemtheillusionwasperfect，but——heworewithevening—dressbuttonedbootswithbrownclothtops!
NottillIwanderedaboutthislanddidIunderstandwhythecomicpapersbelabortheAnglomaniac。
Certainyoungmenofthemoreidioticsortlaunchintodog—cartsandraimentofEnglishcut，andhereinBuffalotheyplaypoloatfourintheafternoon。Isawthreeyouthscomedowntothepolo—groundfaultlesslyattiredforthegameandmountedontheirbestponies。Expectingagame，Ilingered；butIwasmistaken。
Thesethreeshiningoneswiththeverynewyellowhidebootsandtheredsilksasheshadassembledthemselvesforthepurposeofknockingtheballabout。Theysmotewithgreatsolemnityupanddownthegrounds，whilethelittleboyslookedon。Whentheytrotted，whichwasnotseldom，theyroseandsunkintheirstirrupswithaconscientiousnessthatcriedout\"Riding—school!\"
fromafar。
OtheryoungmenintheparkwereridingaftertheEnglishmanner，inneatlycutriding—trousersandlightsaddles。Fateinderisionhadmadeeachyouthbedizenhisanimalwithacheckeredenam—elledleatherbrow—bandvisiblehalfamileaway——ablack—and—whitecheckeredbrow—band!Theycan’tdoit，anymorethananEnglishman，bytakingcold，canaddthatindescribablenasaltwangtohisorchestra。
Theothersightoftheeveningwasahorror。Thelittletragedyplayeditselfoutataneighboringtablewheretwoveryyoungmenandtwoveryyoungwomenweresitting。Itdidnotstrikemetillfarintotheeveningthatthepimplyyoungreprobatesweremakingthegirlsdrunk。Theygavethemredwineandthenwhite，andthevoicesroseslightlywiththemaidens’cheekflushes。Iwatched，wishingtostay，andtheyouthsdranktilltheirspeechthickenedandtheireye—ballsgrewwatery。Itwassickeningtosee，becauseIknewwhatwasgoingtohappen。Myfriendeyedthegroup，andsaid：——\"Maybethey’rechildrenofrespectablepeople。
Ihardlythink，though，they’dbeallowedoutwithoutanybetterescortthantheseboys。Andyettheplaceisaplacewhereeveryonecomes，asyousee。TheymaybeLittleImmoralities——inwhichcasetheywouldn’tbesohopelesslyovercomewithtwoglassesofwine。Theymaybe——\"
Whatevertheyweretheygotindubitablydrunk——thereinthatlovelyhall，surroundedbythebestofBuffalosociety。OnecoulddonothingexceptinvokethejudgmentofHeavenonthetwoboys，themselveshalfsickwithliquor。Atthecloseoftheperformancethequietermaidenlaughedvacantlyandprotestedshecouldn’tkeepherfeet。Thefourlinkedarms，andstaggering，flickeredoutintothestreet——drunk，gentlemenandladies，asDavy’sswine，drunkaslords!Theydisappeareddownasideavenue，butIcouldheartheirlaughterlongaftertheywereoutofsight。
Andtheywereallfourchildrenofsixteenandseventeen。Then，recantingpreviousopinions，Ibecameaprohibitionist。Betteritisthatamanshouldgowithouthisbeerinpublicplaces，andcontenthimselfwithswearingatthenarrow—mindednessofthemajority；betteritistopoisontheinsidewithveryviletemperancedrinks，andtobuylagerfurtivelyatback—doors，thantobringtemptationtothelipsofyoungfoolssuchasthefourI
hadseen。Iunderstandnowwhythepreachersrageagainstdrink。
Ihavesaid：\"Thereisnoharminit，takenmoderately；\"andyetmyowndemandforbeerhelpeddirectlytosendthosetwogirlsreelingdownthedarkstreetto——Godaloneknowswhatend。
Ifliquorisworthdrinking，itisworthtakingalittletroubletocomeat——suchtroubleasamanwillundergotocompasshisowndesires。Itisnotgoodthatweshouldletitliebeforetheeyesofchildren，andIhavebeenafoolinwritingtothecontrary。Verysorryformyself，Isoughtahotel，andfoundinthehallareporterwhowishedtoknowwhatIthoughtofthecountry。HimIluredintoconversationabouthisownprofession，andfromhimgainedmuchthatconfirmedmeinmyviewsofthegrindingtyrannyofthatthingwhichtheycallthePresshere。
Thus：——I——Butyoutalkaboutinterviewingpeoplewhethertheylikeitornot。Haveyounoboundsbeyondwhichevenyourindecentcuriositymustnotgo？
HE——Ihaven’tstruck’emyet。Whatdoyouthinkofinterviewingawidowtwohoursafterherhusband’sdeath，togetherversionofhislife？
I——Ithinkthatistheworkofaghoul。Mustthepeoplehavenoprivacy？
HE——ThereisnodomesticprivacyinAmerica。Iftherewas，whatthedeucewouldthepapersdo？Seehere。SometimeagoIhadanassignmenttowriteupthefloraltributeswhenaprominentcitizenhaddied。
I——Translate，please；Idonotunderstandyourpaganritesandceremonies。
HE——Iwasorderedbytheofficetodescribetheflowers，andwreaths，andsoon，thathadbeensenttoadeadman’sfuneral。
Well，Iwenttothehouse。Therewasnoonetheretostopme，soIyankedthetinkler——pulledthebell——anddriftedintotheroomwherethecorpselayallamongtherosesandsmilax。Iwhippedoutmynote—bookandpawedaroundamongthefloraltributes，turn—inguptheticketsonthewreathsandseeingwhohadsentthem。InthemiddleofthisIheardsomeonesaying：\"Please，oh，please!\"behindme，andtherestoodthedaughterofthehouse，justbathedintears——I——Youunmitigatedbrute!
HE——PrettymuchwhatIfeltmyself。\"I’mverysorry，miss，\"I
said，\"tointrudeontheprivacyofyourgrief。Trustme，I
shallmakeitaslittlepainfulaspossible。\"
I——Butbywhatconceivablerightdidyououtrage——HE——Holdyourhorses。I’mtellingyou。Well，shedidn’twantmeinthehouseatall，andbetweenhersobsfairlywavedmeaway。Ihadhalfthetributesdescribed，though，andthebalanceIdidpartlyonthestepswhenthestiff’uncameout，andpartlyinthechurch。
Thepreachergavethesermon。Thatwasn’tmyassignment。I
skippedaboutamongthefloraltributeswhilehewastalking。I
couldhavemadenoexcuseifIhadgonebacktotheofficeandsaidthataprettygirl’ssobshadstoppedmeobeyingorders。I
hadtodoit。Whatdoyouthinkofitall？
I（slowly）——Doyouwanttoknow？
HE（withhisnote—bookready）——Ofcourse。Howdoyouregardit？
I——ItmakesmeregardyourinterestingnationwiththesameshudderingcuriositythatIshouldbestowonaPappancannibalchewingthescalpoffhismother’sskull。Doesthatconveyanyideatoyourmind？Itmakesmeregardthewholepackofyouasheathens——realheathens——notthesortyousendmissionsto——creaturesofanotherfleshandblood。Yououghttohavebeenshot，notdead，butthroughthestomach，foryourshareinthescandalousbusiness，andthethingyoucallyournewspaperoughttohavebeensackedbythemob，andthemanagingproprietorhanged。
HE——Fromwhich，Isupposeyouhavenothingofthatkindinyourcountry？
Oh!\"Pioneer，\"venerable\"Pioneer，\"andyounotlesshonestpressofIndia，whoareoccasionallydullbutneverblackguardly，whatcouldIsay？Amere\"No，\"shoutedneversoloudly，wouldnothavemettheneedsofthecase。Isaidnoword。
Thereporterwentaway，andItookatrainforNiagaraFalls，whicharetwenty—twomilesdistantfromthisbadtown，wheregirlsgetdrunkofnightsandreporterstrampleoncorpsesinthedrawing—roomsofthebraveandthefree!