第53章
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  Somefewdayslater,intheduskofthesummerevening,theyweresittinginthesamesmallroomdown-stairs,whenaknockcametothefrontdoorofthecarpenter’shousewheretheywerelodging,andinafewmomentstherewasatapatthedooroftheirroom。Beforetheycouldopenitthecomerdidso,andawoman’sformappeared。

  `IsMr。Fawleyhere?’

  JudeandSuestartedashemechanicallyrepliedintheaffirmative,forthevoicewasArabella’s。

  Heformallyrequestedhertocomein,andshesatdowninthewindowbench,wheretheycoulddistinctlyseeheroutlineagainstthelight;

  butnocharacteristicthatenabledthemtoestimatehergeneralaspectandair。Yetsomethingseemedtodenotethatshewasnotquitesocomfortablycircumstanced,norsobouncinglyattired,asshehadbeenduringCartlett’slifetime。

  Thethreeattemptedanawkwardconversationaboutthetragedy,ofwhichJudehadfeltittobehisdutytoinformherimmediately,thoughshehadneverrepliedtohisletter。

  `Ihavejustcomefromthecemetery,’shesaid。`Iinquiredandfoundthechild’sgrave。Icouldn’tcometothefuneral-thankyouforinvitingmeallthesame。Ireadallaboutitinthepapers,andIfeltIwasn’twanted……No-Icouldn’tcometothefuneral,’repeatedArabella,who,seemingutterlyunabletoreachtheidealofacatastrophicmanner,fumbledwithiterations。`ButIamgladIfoundthegrave。As’tisyourtrade,Jude,you’llbeabletoputupahandsomestoneto’em。’

  `Ishallputupaheadstone,’saidJudedrearily。

  `Hewasmychild,andnaturallyIfeelforhim。’

  `Ihopeso。Wealldid。’

  `Theothersthatweren’tmineIdidn’tfeelsomuchfor,aswasnatural。’

  `Ofcourse。’

  AsighcamefromthedarkcornerwhereSuesat。

  `IhadoftenwishedIhadminewithme,’continuedMrs。Cartlett。

  `Perhaps’twouldn’thavehappenedthen!ButofcourseIdidn’twishtotakehimawayfromyourwife。’

  `Iamnothiswife,’camefromSue。

  TheunexpectednessofherwordsstruckJudesilent。

  `Oh,Ibegyourpardon,I’msure,’saidArabella。`Ithoughtyouwere!’

  JudehadknownfromthequalityofSue’stonethathernewandtranscendentalviewslurkedinherwords;butallexcepttheirobviousmeaningwas,naturally,missedbyArabella。Thelatter,afterevincingthatshewasstruckbySue’savowal,recoveredherself,andwentontotalkwithplacidbluntnessabout`her’boy,forwhom,thoughinhislifetimeshehadshownnocareatall,shenowexhibitedaceremonialmournfulnessthatwasapparentlysustainingtotheconscience。Shealludedtothepast,andinmakingsomeremarkappealedagaintoSue。Therewasnoanswer:Suehadinvisiblylefttheroom。

  `Shesaidshewasnotyourwife?’resumedArabellainanothervoice。`Whyshouldshedothat?’

  `Icannotinformyou,’saidJudeshortly。

  `Sheis,isn’tshe?Sheoncetoldmeso。’

  `Idon’tcriticizewhatshesays。’

  `Ah-Isee!Well,mytimeisup。Iamstayinghereto-night,andthoughtIcoulddonolessthancall,afterourmutualaffliction。

  IamsleepingattheplacewhereIusedtobebarmaid,andto-morrowI

  gobacktoAlfredston。Fatheriscomehomeagain,andIamlivingwithhim。’

  `HehasreturnedfromAustralia?’saidJudewithlanguidcuriosity。

  `Yes。Couldn’tgetonthere。Hadaroughtimeofit。Motherdiedofdys-whatdoyoucallit-inthehotweather,andFatherandtwooftheyoungoneshavejustgotback。Hehasgotacottageneartheoldplace,andforthepresentIamkeepinghouseforhim。’

  Jude’sformerwifehadmaintainedastereotypedmannerofstrictgoodbreedingevennowthatSuewasgone,andlimitedherstaytoanumberofminutesthatshouldaccordwiththehighestrespectability。WhenshehaddepartedJude,muchrelieved,wenttothestairsandcalledSue-feelinganxiousastowhathadbecomeofher。

  Therewasnoanswer,andthecarpenterwhokeptthelodgingssaidshehadnotcomein。Judewaspuzzled,andbecamequitealarmedatherabsence,forthehourwasgrowinglate。Thecarpentercalledhiswife,whoconjecturedthatSuemighthavegonetoSt。Silas’church,assheoftenwentthere。

  `Surelynotatthistimeo’night?’saidJude。`Itisshut。’

  `Sheknowssomebodywhokeepsthekey,andshehasitwhenevershewantsit。’

  `Howlonghasshebeengoingonwiththis?’

  `Oh,somefewweeks,Ithink。’

  Judewentvaguelyinthedirectionofthechurch,whichhehadneveronceapproachedsincehelivedoutthatwayyearsbefore,whenhisyoungopinionsweremoremysticalthantheywerenow。Thespotwasdeserted,butthedoorwascertainlyunfastened;heliftedthelatchwithoutnoise,andpushingtothedoorbehindhim,stoodabsolutelystillinside。Theprevalentsilenceseemedtocontainafaintsound,explicableasabreathing,orasobbing,whichcamefromtheotherendofthebuilding。Thefloor-clothdeadenedhisfootstepsashemovedinthatdirectionthroughtheobscurity,whichwasbrokenonlybythefaintestreflectednight-lightfromwithout。

  Highoverhead,abovethechancelsteps,Judecoulddiscernahuge,solidlyconstructedLatincross-aslarge,probably,astheoriginalitwasdesignedtocommemorate。Itseemedtobesuspendedintheairbyinvisiblewires;itwassetwithlargejewels,whichfaintlyglimmeredinsomeweakraycaughtfromoutside,asthecrossswayedtoandfroinasilentandscarcelyperceptiblemotion。Underneath,uponthefloor,laywhatappearedtobeaheapofblackclothes,andfromthiswasrepeatedthesobbingthathehadheardbefore。ItwashisSue’sform,prostrateonthepaving。

  `Sue!’hewhispered。

  Somethingwhitediscloseditself;shehadturnedupherface。

  `What-doyouwantwithmehere,Jude?’shesaidalmostsharply。

  `Youshouldn’tcome!Iwantedtobealone!Whydidyouintrudehere?’

  `Howcanyouask!’heretortedinquickreproach,forhisfullheartwaswoundedtoitscentreatthisattitudeofherstowardshim。`WhydoIcome?Whohasarighttocome,Ishouldliketoknow,ifIhavenot!

  I,wholoveyoubetterthanmyownself-better-farbetter-thanyouhavelovedme!Whatmadeyouleavemetocomeherealone?’

  `Don’tcriticizeme,Jude-Ican’tbearit!-Ihaveoftentoldyouso。YoumusttakemeasIam。Iamawretch-brokenbymydistractions!

  Icouldn’tbearitwhenArabellacame-IfeltsoutterlymiserableIhadtocomeaway。Sheseemstobeyourwifestill,andRichardtobemyhusband!’

  `Buttheyarenothingtous!’

  `Yes,dearfriend,theyare。Iseemarriagedifferentlynow。Mybabieshavebeentakenfrommetoshowmethis!Arabella’schildkillingminewasajudgement-therightslayingthewrong。What,whatshallIdo!Iamsuchavilecreature-tooworthlesstomixwithordinaryhumanbeings!’

  `Thisisterrible!’saidJude,vergingontears。`Itismonstrousandunnaturalforyoutobesoremorsefulwhenyouhavedonenowrong!’

  `Ah-youdon’tknowmybadness!’

  Hereturnedvehemently:`Ido!Everyatomanddregofit!YoumakemehateChristianity,ormysticism,orSacerdotalism,orwhateveritmaybecalled,ifit’sthatwhichhascausedthisdeteriorationinyou。

  Thatawoman-poet,awoman-seer,awomanwhosesoulshonelikeadiamond-whomallthewiseoftheworldwouldhavebeenproudof,iftheycouldhaveknownyou-shoulddegradeherselflikethis!IamgladIhadnothingtodowithDivinity-damnglad-ifit’sgoingtoruinyouinthisway!’

  `Youareangry,Jude,andunkindtome,anddon’tseehowthingsare。’

  `Thencomealonghomewithme,dearest,andperhapsIshall。I

  amoverburdened-andyou,too,areunhingedjustnow。’Heputhisarmroundherandliftedher;butthoughshecame,shepreferredtowalkwithouthissupport。

  `Idon’tdislikeyou,Jude,’shesaidinasweetandimploringvoice。`Iloveyouasmuchasever!Only-Ioughtnottoloveyou-anymore。OhImustnotanymore!’

  `Ican’townit。’

  `ButIhavemadeupmymindthatIamnotyourwife!Ibelongtohim-Isacramentallyjoinedmyselftohimforlife。Nothingcanalterit!’

  `Butsurelywearemanandwife,ifevertwopeoplewereinthisworld?Nature’sownmarriageitis,unquestionably!’

  `ButnotHeaven’s。Anotherwasmadeformethere,andratifiedeternallyinthechurchatMelchester。’

  `Sue,Sue-afflictionhasbroughtyoutothisunreasonablestate!

  Afterconvertingmetoyourviewsonsomanythings,tofindyousuddenlyturntotheright-aboutlikethis-fornoreasonwhatever,confoundingallyouhaveformerlysaidthroughsentimentmerely!YourootoutofmewhatlittleaffectionandreverenceIhadleftinmefortheChurchasanoldacquaintance……WhatIcan’tunderstandinyouisyourextraordinaryblindnessnowtoyouroldlogic。Isitpeculiartoyou,orisitcommontowoman?Isawomanathinkingunitatall,orafractionalwayswantingitsinteger?Howyouarguedthatmarriagewasonlyaclumsycontract-

  whichitis-howyoushowedalltheobjectionstoit-alltheabsurdities!

  Iftwoandtwomadefourwhenwewerehappytogether,surelytheymakefournow?Ican’tunderstandit,Irepeat!’

  `Ah,dearJude;that’sbecauseyouarelikeatotallydeafmanobservingpeoplelisteningtomusic。Yousay`Whataretheyregarding?

  Nothingisthere。’Butsomethingis。’

  `Thatisahardsayingfromyou;andnotatrueparallel!Youthrewoffoldhusksofprejudices,andtaughtmetodoit;andnowyougobackuponyourself。IconfessIamutterlystultifiedinmyestimateofyou。’

  `Dearfriend,myonlyfriend,don’tbehardwithme!Ican’thelpbeingasIam,IamconvincedIamright-thatIseethelightatlast。

  Butoh,howtoprofitbyit!’

  Theywalkedalongafewmorestepstilltheywereoutsidethebuildingandshehadreturnedthekey。`Canthisbethegirl,’saidJudewhenshecameback,feelingaslightrenewalofelasticitynowthathewasintheopenstreet;`canthisbethegirlwhobroughtthepagandeitiesintothismostChristiancity?-whomimickedMissFontoverwhenshecrushedthemwithherheel?-quotedGibbon,andShelley,andMill?WherearedearApollo,anddearVenusnow!’

  `Ohdon’t,don’tbesocrueltome,Jude,andIsounhappy!’shesobbed。`Ican’tbearit!Iwasinerror-Icannotreasonwithyou。I

  waswrong-proudinmyownconceit!Arabella’scomingwasthefinish。

  Don’tsatirizeme:itcutslikeaknife!’

  Heflunghisarmsroundherandkissedherpassionatelythereinthesilentstreet,beforeshecouldhinderhim。Theywentontilltheycametoalittlecoffee-house。`Jude,’shesaidwithsuppressedtears,`wouldyoumindgettingalodginghere?’

  `Iwill-if,ifyoureallywish?Butdoyou?Letmegotoourdoorandunderstandyou。’

  Hewentandconductedherin。Shesaidshewantednosupper,andwentinthedarkupstairsandstruckalight。TurningshefoundthatJudehadfollowedher,andwasstandingatthechamberdoor。Shewenttohim,putherhandinhis,andsaid`Good-night。’

  `ButSue!Don’twelivehere?’

  `YousaidyouwoulddoasIwished!’

  `Yes。Verywell!……PerhapsitwaswrongofmetoarguedistastefullyasIhavedone!Perhapsaswecouldn’tconscientiouslymarryatfirstintheold-fashionedway,weoughttohaveparted。Perhapstheworldisnotilluminatedenoughforsuchexperimentsasours!Whowerewe,tothinkwecouldactaspioneers!’

  `Iamsogladyouseethatmuch,atanyrate。IneverdeliberatelymeanttodoasIdid。Islippedintomyfalsepositionthroughjealousyandagitation!’

  `Butsurelythroughlove-youlovedme?’

  `Yes。ButIwantedtoletitstopthere,andgoonalwaysasmerelovers;until——’

  `Butpeopleinlovecouldn’tliveforeverlikethat!’

  `Womencould:mencan’t,becausethey-won’t。Anaveragewomanisinthissuperiortoanaverageman-thatsheneverinstigates,onlyresponds。Weoughttohavelivedinmentalcommunion,andnomore。’

  `Iwastheunhappycauseofthechange,asIhavesaidbefore!……Well,asyouwill!……Buthumannaturecan’thelpbeingitself。’

  `Ohyes-that’sjustwhatithastolearn-self-mastery。’

  `Irepeat-ifeitherweretoblameitwasnotyoubutI。’

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