Weallknowahundredwhosecoatsareverywellmade，andascorewhohaveexcellentmanners，andoneortwohappybeingswhoarewhattheycallintheinnercircles，andhaveshotintotheverycentreandbull’s-eyeofthefashion；butofgentlemenhowmany？Letustakealittlescrapofpaperandeachmakeouthislist。
MyfriendtheMajorIwrite，withoutanydoubt，inmine。Hehadverylonglegs，ayellowface，andaslightlisp，whichatfirstwasratherridiculous。Buthisthoughtswerejust，hisbrainswerefairlygood，hislifewashonestandpure，andhisheartwarmandhumble。Hecertainlyhadverylargehandsandfeet，whichthetwoGeorgeOsbornesusedtocaricatureandlaughat；andtheirjeersandlaughterperhapsledpoorlittleEmmyastrayastohisworth。Buthavewenotallbeenmisledaboutourheroesandchangedouropinionsahundredtimes？Emmy，inthishappytime，foundthathersunderwentaverygreatchangeinrespectofthemeritsoftheMajor。
Perhapsitwasthehappiesttimeofboththeirlives，indeed，iftheydidbutknowit——andwhodoes？Whichofuscanpointoutandsaythatwastheculmination——
thatwasthesummitofhumanjoy？Butatallevents，thiscouplewereverydecentlycontented，andenjoyedaspleasantasummertourasanypairthatleftEnglandthatyear。Georgywasalwayspresentattheplay，butitwastheMajorwhoputEmmy’sshawlonaftertheentertainment；andinthewalksandexcursionstheyoungladwouldbeonahead，andupatower-stairoratree，whilstthesoberercouplewerebelow，theMajorsmokinghiscigarwithgreatplacidityandconstancy，whilstEmmysketchedthesiteortheruin。ItwasonthisverytourthatI，thepresentwriterofahistoryofwhicheverywordistrue，hadthepleasuretoseethemfirstandtomaketheiracquaintance。
ItwasatthelittlecomfortableDucaltownofPumpernickelthatveryplacewhereSirPittCrawleyhadbeensodistinguishedasanattache；butthatwasinearlyearlydays，andbeforethenewsoftheBattleofAusterlitzsentalltheEnglishdiplomatistsinGermanytotherightaboutthatIfirstsawColonelDobbinandhisparty。TheyhadarrivedwiththecarriageandcourierattheErbprinzHotel，thebestofthetown，andthewholepartydinedatthetabled’hote。EverybodyremarkedthemajestyofJosandtheknowingwayinwhichhesipped，orrathersucked，theJohannisberger，whichheorderedfordinner。Thelittleboy，too，weobserved，hadafamousappetite，andconsumedschinken，andbraten，andkartoffeln，andcranberryjam，andsalad，andpudding，androastfowls，andsweetmeats，withagallantrythatdidhonourtohisnation。Afteraboutfifteendishes，heconcludedtherepastwithdessert，someofwhichheevencarriedoutofdoors，forsomeyounggentlemenattable，amusedwithhiscoolnessandgallantfree-and-easymanner，inducedhimtopocketahandfulofmacaroons，whichhediscussedonhiswaytothetheatre，whithereverybodywentinthecheerysociallittleGermanplace。
Theladyinblack，theboy’smamma，laughedandblushed，andlookedexceedinglypleasedandshyasthedinnerwenton，andatthevariousfeatsandinstancesofespieglerieonthepartofherson。TheColonel——
forsohebecameverysoonafterwards——Irememberjokedtheboywithagreatdealofgravefun，pointingoutdisheswhichhehadn’ttried，andentreatinghimnottobaulkhisappetite，buttohaveasecondsupplyofthisorthat。
Itwaswhattheycallagast-rollenightattheRoyalGrandDucalPumpernickelischHof——orCourttheatre——
andMadameSchroederDevrient，theninthebloomofherbeautyandgenius，performedthepartoftheheroineinthewonderfuloperaofFidelio。Fromourplacesinthestallswecouldseeourfourfriendsofthetabled’hoteinthelogewhichSchwendleroftheErbprinzkeptforhisbestguests，andIcouldnothelpremarkingtheeffectwhichthemagnificentactressandmusicproduceduponMrs。Osborne，forsoweheardthestoutgentlemaninthemustachioscallher。DuringtheastonishingChorusofthePrisoners，overwhichthedelightfulvoiceoftheactressroseandsoaredinthemostravishingharmony，theEnglishlady’sfaceworesuchanexpressionofwonderanddelightthatitstruckevenlittleFipps，theblaseattache，whodrawledout，ashefixedhisglassuponher。”Gayd，itreallydoesonegoodtoseeawomancaypableofthatstaytofexcaytement。”AndinthePrisonScene，whereFidelio，rushingtoherhusband，cries，“Nichts，nichts，meinFlorestan。”shefairlylostherselfandcoveredherfacewithherhandkerchief。Everywomaninthehousewassnivellingatthetime，butIsupposeitwasbecauseitwaspredestinedthatIwastowritethisparticularlady’smemoirsthatIremarkedher。
ThenextdaytheygaveanotherpieceofBeethoven，DieSchlachtbeiVittoria。Malbrookisintroducedatthebeginningoftheperformance，asindicativeofthebriskadvanceoftheFrencharmy。Thencomedrums，trumpets，thundersofartillery，andgroansofthedying，andatlast，inagrandtriumphalswell，“GodSavetheKing“isperformed。
TheremayhavebeenascoreofEnglishmeninthehouse，butattheburstofthatbelovedandwell-knownmusic，everyoneofthem，weyoungfellowsinthestalls，SirJohnandLadyBullminsterwhohadtakenahouseatPumpernickelfortheeducationoftheirninechildren，thefatgentlemanwiththemustachios，thelongMajorinwhiteducktrousers，andtheladywiththelittleboyuponwhomhewassosweet，evenKirsch，thecourierinthegallery，stoodboltuprightintheirplacesandproclaimedthemselvestobemembersofthedearoldBritishnation。AsforTapeworm，theCharged’Affaires，heroseupinhisboxandbowedandsimpered，asifhewouldrepresentthewholeempire。TapewormwasnephewandheirofoldMarshalTiptoff，whohasbeenintroducedinthisstoryasGeneralTiptoff，justbeforeWaterloo，whowasColonelofthe——thregimentinwhichMajorDobbinserved，andwhodiedinthisyearfullofhonours，andofanaspicofplovers’eggs；whentheregimentwasgraciouslygivenbyhisMajestytoColonelSirMichaelO’Dowd，K。C。B。whohadcommandeditinmanygloriousfields。
TapewormmusthavemetwithColonelDobbinatthehouseoftheColonel’sColonel，theMarshal，forherecognizedhimonthisnightatthetheatre，andwiththeutmostcondescension，hisMajesty’sministercameoverfromhisownboxandpubliclyshookhandswithhisnew-foundfriend。
“Lookatthatinfernalsly-bootsofaTapeworm。”
Fippswhispered，examininghischieffromthestalls。
“Whereverthere’saprettywomanhealwaystwistshimselfin。”AndIwonderwhatwerediplomatistsmadeforbutforthat？
“HaveIthehonourofaddressingmyselftoMrs。
Dobbin？”askedtheSecretarywithamostinsinuatinggrin。
Georgyburstoutlaughingandsaid，“ByJove，thatwasagood’un。”EmmyandtheMajorblushed：wesawthemfromthestalls。
“ThisladyisMrs。GeorgeOsborne。”saidtheMajor。”andthisisherbrother，Mr。Sedley，adistinguishedofficeroftheBengalCivilService：permitmetointroducehimtoyourlordship。”
MylordnearlysentJosoffhislegswiththemostfascinatingsmile。”AreyougoingtostopinPumpernickel？”
hesaid。”Itisadullplace，butwewantsomenicepeople，andwewouldtryandmakeitSOagreeabletoyou。Mr——
Ahum——Mrs——Oho。Ishalldomyselfthehonourofcallinguponyouto-morrowatyourinn。”AndhewentawaywithaParthiangrinandglancewhichhethoughtmustfinishMrs。Osbornecompletely。
Theperformanceover，theyoungfellowsloungedaboutthelobbies，andwesawthesocietytakeitsdeparture。
TheDuchessDowagerwentoffinherjinglingoldcoach，attendedbytwofaithfulandwitheredoldmaidsofhonour，andalittlesnuffyspindle-shankedgentlemaninwaiting，inabrownjaseyandagreencoatcoveredwithorders——ofwhichthestarandthegrandyellowcordonoftheorderofSt。MichaelofPumpernickelweremostconspicuous。Thedrumsrolled，theguardssaluted，andtheoldcarriagedroveaway。
ThencamehisTransparencytheDukeandTransparentfamily，withhisgreatofficersofstateandhousehold。Hebowedserenelytoeverybody。Andamidthesalutingoftheguardsandtheflaringofthetorchesoftherunningfootmen，cladinscarlet，theTransparentcarriagesdroveawaytotheoldDucalschloss，withitstowersandpinaclesstandingontheschlossberg。EverybodyinPumpernickelkneweverybody。NosoonerwasaforeignerseentherethantheMinisterofForeignAffairs，orsomeothergreatorsmallofficerofstate，wentroundtotheErbprinzandfoundoutthenameofthenewarrival。
Wewatchedthem，too，outofthetheatre。Tapewormhadjustwalkedoff，envelopedinhiscloak，withwhichhisgiganticchasseurwasalwaysinattendance，andlookingasmuchaspossiblelikeDonJuan。ThePrimeMinister’sladyhadjustsqueezedherselfintohersedan，andherdaughter，thecharmingIda，hadputonhercalashandclogs；whentheEnglishpartycameout，theboyyawningdrearily，theMajortakinggreatpainsinkeepingtheshawloverMrs。Osborne’shead，andMr。
Sedleylookinggrand，withacrushopera-hatononesideofhisheadandhishandinthestomachofavoluminouswhitewaistcoat。Wetookoffourhatstoouracquaintancesofthetabled’hote，andthelady，inreturn，presenteduswithalittlesmileandacurtsey，forwhicheverybodymightbethankful。
Thecarriagefromtheinn，underthesuperintendenceofthebustlingMr。Kirsch，wasinwaitingtoconveytheparty；butthefatmansaidhewouldwalkandsmokehiscigaronhiswayhomewards，sotheotherthree，withnodsandsmilestous，wentwithoutMr。Sedley，Kirsch，withthecigarcase，followinginhismaster’swake。
Weallwalkedtogetherandtalkedtothestoutgentlemanabouttheagremensoftheplace。ItwasveryagreeablefortheEnglish。Therewereshooting-partiesandbattues；therewasaplentyofballsandentertainmentsatthehospitableCourt；thesocietywasgenerallygood；thetheatreexcellent；andthelivingcheap。
“AndourMinisterseemsamostdelightfulandaffableperson。”ournewfriendsaid。’~Withsucharepresentative，and——andagoodmedicalman，Icanfancytheplacetobemosteligible。Good-night，gentlemen。”AndJoscreakedupthestairstobedward，followedbyKirschwithaflambeau。Weratherhopedthatnice-lookingwomanwouldbeinducedtostaysometimeinthetown。
CHAPTERLXIII
InWhichWeMeetanOldAcquaintanceSuchpolitebehaviourasthatofLordTapewormdidnotfailtohavethemostfavourableeffectuponMr。
Sedley’smind，andtheverynextmorning，atbreakfast，hepronouncedhisopinionthatPumpernickelwasthepleasantestlittleplaceofanywhichhehadvisitedontheirtour。Jos’smotivesandartificeswerenotverydifficultofcomprehension，andDobbinlaughedinhissleeve，likeahypocriteashewas，whenhefound，bytheknowingairofthecivilianandtheoffhandmannerinwhichthelattertalkedaboutTapewormCastleandtheothermembersofthefamily，thatJoshadbeenupalreadyinthemorning，consultinghistravellingPeerage。Yes，hehadseentheRightHonourabletheEarlofBagwig，hislordship’sfather；hewassurehehad，hehadmethimat——attheLevee——didn’tDobremember？andwhentheDiplomatistcalledontheparty，faithfultohispromise，JosreceivedhimwithsuchasaluteandhonoursaswereseldomaccordedtothelittleEnvoy。HewinkedatKirschonhisExcellency’sarrival，andthatemissary，instructedbefore-
hand，wentoutandsuperintendedanentertainmentofcoldmeats，jellies，andotherdelicacies，broughtinupontrays，andofwhichMr。Josabsolutelyinsistedthathisnobleguestshouldpartake。
Tapeworm，solongashecouldhaveanopportunityofadmiringthebrighteyesofMrs。OsbornewhosefreshnessofcomplexionboredaylightremarkablywellwasnotillpleasedtoacceptanyinvitationtostayinMr。
Sedley’slodgings；heputoneortwodexterousquestionstohimaboutIndiaandthedancing-girlsthere；askedAmeliaaboutthatbeautifulboywhohadbeenwithher；