MissCrawley，beitknown，didnotleaveherroomuntilnearnoon——takingchocolateinbedinthemorning，whileBeckySharpreadtheMorningPosttoher，orotherwiseamusingherselfordawdling。Theconspiratorsbelowagreedthattheywouldsparethedearlady’sfeelingsuntilsheappearedinherdrawing-room：meanwhileitwasannouncedtoherthatMrs。ButeCrawleyhadcomeupfromHampshirebythemail，wasstayingattheGloster，sentherlovetoMissCrawley，andaskedforbreakfastwithMissBriggs。ThearrivalofMrs。Bute，whichwouldnothavecausedanyextremedelightatanotherperiod，washailedwithpleasurenow；MissCrawleybeingpleasedatthenotionofagossipwithhersister-in-lawregardingthelateLadyCrawley，thefuneralarrangementspending，andSirPitt’sabruptproposaltoRebecca。
Itwasnotuntiltheoldladywasfairlyensconcedinherusualarm-chairinthedrawing-room，andthepreliminaryembracesandinquirieshadtakenplacebetweentheladies，thattheconspiratorsthoughtitadvisabletosubmithertotheoperation。Whohasnotadmiredtheartificesanddelicateapproacheswithwhichwomen“prepare“theirfriendsforbadnews？MissCrawley’stwofriendsmadesuchanapparatusofmysterybeforetheybroketheintelligencetoher，thattheyworkedheruptothenecessarydegreeofdoubtandalarm。
“AndsherefusedSirPitt，mydear，dearMissCrawley，prepareyourselfforit。”Mrs。Butesaid，“because——
becauseshecouldn’thelpherself。”
“Ofcoursetherewasareason。”MissCrawleyanswered。
“Shelikedsomebodyelse。ItoldBriggssoyesterday。”
“LIKESsomebodyelse！”Briggsgasped。”Omydearfriend，sheismarriedalready。”
“Marriedalready。”Mrs。Butechimedin；andbothsatewithclaspedhandslookingfromeachotherattheirvictim。
“Sendhertome，theinstantshecomesin。Thelittleslywretch：howdaredshenottellme？”criedoutMissCrawley。
“Shewon’tcomeinsoon。Prepareyourself，dearfriend——she’sgoneoutforalongtime——she’s——she’sgonealtogether。”
“Graciousgoodness，andwho’stomakemychocolate？
Sendforherandhaveherback；Idesirethatshecomeback。”theoldladysaid。
“Shedecampedlastnight，Ma’am。”criedMrs。Bute。
“Sheleftaletterforme。”Briggsexclaimed。”She’smarriedto——“
“Prepareher，forheaven’ssake。Don’ttortureher，mydearMissBriggs。”
“She’smarriedtowhom？”criesthespinsterinanervousfury。
“To——toarelationof——“
“SherefusedSirPitt。”criedthevictim。”Speakatonce。
Don’tdrivememad。”
“OMa’am——prepareher，MissBriggs——she’smarriedtoRawdonCrawley。”
“RawdonmarriedRebecca——governess——nobod——
Getoutofmyhouse，youfool，youidiot——youstupidoldBriggshowdareyou？You’reintheplot——youmadehimmarry，thinkingthatI’dleavemymoneyfromhim——
youdid，Martha。”thepooroldladyscreamedinhystericsentences。
“I，Ma’am，askamemberofthisfamilytomarryadrawing-master’sdaughter？”
“HermotherwasaMontmorency。”criedouttheoldlady，pullingatthebellwithallhermight。
“Hermotherwasanoperagirl，andshehasbeenonthestageorworseherself。”saidMrs。Bute。
MissCrawleygaveafinalscream，andfellbackinafaint。Theywereforcedtotakeherbacktotheroomwhichshehadjustquitted。Onefitofhystericssucceededanother。Thedoctorwassentfor——theapothecaryarrived。
Mrs。Butetookupthepostofnursebyherbedside。”Herrelationsoughttoberoundabouther。”thatamiablewomansaid。
Shehadscarcelybeencarrieduptoherroom，whenanewpersonarrivedtowhomitwasalsonecessarytobreakthenews。ThiswasSirPitt。”Where’sBecky？”hesaid，comingin。”Where’shertraps？She’scomingwithmetoQueen’sCrawley。”
“Haveyounotheardtheastonishingintelligenceregardinghersurreptitiousunion？”Briggsasked。
“What’sthattome？”SirPittasked。”Iknowshe’smarried。Thatmakesnoodds。Tellhertocomedownatonce，andnotkeepme。”
“Areyounotaware，sir。”MissBriggsasked，“thatshehasleftourroof，tothedismayofMissCrawley，whoisnearlykilledbytheintelligenceofCaptainRawdon’sunionwithher？”
WhenSirPittCrawleyheardthatRebeccawasmarriedtohisson，hebrokeoutintoafuryoflanguage，whichitwoulddonogoodtorepeatinthisplace，asindeeditsentpoorBriggsshudderingoutoftheroom；andwithherwewillshutthedooruponthefigureofthefrenziedoldman，wildwithhatredandinsanewithbaffleddesire。
OnedayafterhewenttoQueen’sCrawley，heburstlikeamadmanintotheroomshehadusedwhenthere——dashedopenherboxeswithhisfoot，andflungaboutherpapers，clothes，andotherrelics。MissHorrocks，thebutler’sdaughter，tooksomeofthem。Thechildrendressedthemselvesandactedplaysintheothers。Itwasbutafewdaysafterthepoormotherhadgonetoherlonelyburying-place；andwaslaid，unweptanddisregarded，inavaultfullofstrangers。
“Supposetheoldladydoesn’tcometo。”Rawdonsaidtohislittlewife，astheysatetogetherinthesnuglittleBromptonlodgings。Shehadbeentryingthenewpianoallthemorning。Thenewglovesfittedhertoanicety；thenewshawlsbecameherwonderfully；thenewringsglitteredonherlittlehands，andthenewwatchtickedatherwaist；“supposeshedon’tcomeround，eh，Becky？”
“I’LLmakeyourfortune。”shesaid；andDelilahpattedSamson’scheek。
“Youcandoanything。”hesaid，kissingthelittlehand。
“ByJoveyoucan；andwe’lldrivedowntotheStarandGarter，anddine，byJove。”
HowCaptainDobbinBoughtaPianoIfthereisanyexhibitioninallVanityFairwhichSatireandSentimentcanvisitarminarmtogether；whereyoulightonthestrangestcontrastslaughableandtearful：
whereyoumaybegentleandpathetic，orsavageandcynicalwithperfectpropriety：itisatoneofthosepublicassemblies，acrowdofwhichareadvertisedeverydayinthelastpageoftheTimesnewspaper，andoverwhichthelateMr。GeorgeRobinsusedtopresidewithsomuchdignity。ThereareveryfewLondonpeople，asIfancy，whohavenotattendedatthesemeetings，andallwithatasteformoralizingmusthavethought，withasensationandinterestnotalittlestartlingandqueer，ofthedaywhentheirturnshallcometoo，andMr。HammerdownwillsellbytheordersofDiogenes’assignees，orwillbeinstructedbytheexecutors，tooffertopubliccompetition，thelibrary，furniture，plate，wardrobe，andchoicecellarofwinesofEpicurusdeceased。
Evenwiththemostselfishdisposition，theVanityFairian，ashewitnessesthissordidpartoftheobsequiesofadepartedfriend，can’tbutfeelsomesympathiesandregret。
MyLordDives’sremainsareinthefamilyvault：thestatuariesarecuttinganinscriptionveraciouslycommemoratinghisvirtues，andthesorrowsofhisheir，whoisdisposingofhisgoods。WhatguestatDives’stablecanpassthefamiliarhousewithoutasigh？——thefamiliarhouseofwhichthelightsusedtoshinesocheerfullyatseveno’clock，ofwhichthehall-doorsopenedsoreadily，ofwhichtheobsequiousservants，asyoupassedupthecomfortablestair，soundedyournamefromlandingtolanding，untilitreachedtheapartmentwherejollyoldDiveswelcomedhisfriends！Whatanumberofthemhehad；andwhatanoblewayofentertainingthem。Howwittypeopleusedtobeherewhoweremorosewhentheygotoutofthedoor；andhowcourteousandfriendlymenwhoslanderedandhatedeachothereverywhereelse！Hewaspompous，butwithsuchacookwhatwouldonenotswallow？hewasratherdull，perhaps，butwouldnotsuchwinemakeanyconversationpleasant？WemustgetsomeofhisBurgundyatanyprice，themournerscryathisclub。”IgotthisboxatoldDives’ssale。”Pinchersays，handingitround，“oneofLouisXV’smistresses——prettything，isitnot？——sweetminiature。”andtheytalkofthewayinwhichyoungDivesisdissipatinghisfortune。
Howchangedthehouseis，though！Thefrontispatchedoverwithbills，settingforththeparticularsofthefurnitureinstaringcapitals。Theyhavehungashredofcarpetoutofanupstairswindow——ahalfdozenofportersareloungingonthedirtysteps——thehallswarmswithdingyguestsoforientalcountenance，whothrustprintedcardsintoyourhand，andoffertobid。Oldwomenandamateurshaveinvadedtheupperapartments，pinchingthebed-
curtains，pokingintothefeathers，shampooingthemattresses，andclappingthewardrobedrawerstoandfro。
Enterprisingyounghousekeepersaremeasuringthelooking-glassesandhangingstoseeiftheywillsuitthenewmenageSnobwillbragforyearsthathehaspurchasedthisorthatatDives’ssale，andMr。Hammerdownissittingonthegreatmahoganydining-tables，inthedining-
roombelow，wavingtheivoryhammer，andemployingalltheartificesofeloquence，enthusiasm，entreaty，reason，despair；shoutingtohispeople；satirizingMr。Davidsforhissluggishness；inspiritingMr。Mossintoaction；
imploring，commanding，bellowing，untildowncomesthehammerlikefate，andwepasstothenextlot。ODives，whowouldeverhavethought，aswesatroundthebroadtablesparklingwithplateandspotlesslinen，tohaveseensuchadishattheheadofitasthatroaringauctioneer？
Itwasratherlateinthesale。Theexcellentdrawing-
roomfurniturebythebestmakers；therareandfamouswinesselected，regardlessofcost，andwiththewell-knowntasteofthepurchaser；therichandcompletesetoffamilyplatehadbeensoldonthepreviousdays。Certainofthebestwineswhichallhadagreatcharacteramongamateursintheneighbourhoodhadbeenpurchasedforhismaster，whoknewthemverywell，bythebutlerofourfriendJohnOsborne，Esquire，ofRussellSquare。AsmallportionofthemostusefularticlesoftheplatehadbeenboughtbysomeyoungstockbrokersfromtheCity。Andnowthepublicbeinginvitedtothepurchaseofminorobjects，ithappenedthattheoratoronthetablewasexpatiatingonthemeritsofapicture，whichhesoughttorecommendtohisaudience：itwasbynomeanssoselectornumerousacompanyashadattendedthepreviousdaysoftheauction。
“No。369。”roaredMr。Hammerdown。”Portraitofagentlemanonanelephant。Who’llbidforthegentlemanontheelephant？Liftupthepicture，Blowman，andletthecompanyexaminethislot。”Along，pale，military-
lookinggentleman，seateddemurelyatthemahoganytable，couldnothelpgrinningasthisvaluablelotwasshownbyMr。Blowman。”TurntheelephanttotheCaptain，Blowman。Whatshallwesay，sir，fortheelephant？”
buttheCaptain，blushinginaveryhurriedanddiscomfitedmanner，turnedawayhishead。
“Shallwesaytwentyguineasforthisworkofart？——
fifteen，five，nameyourownprice。Thegentlemanwithouttheelephantisworthfivepound。”
“Iwonderitain’tcomedownwithhim。”saidaprofessionalwag，“he’sanyhowapreciousbigone“；atwhichfortheelephant-riderwasrepresentedasofaverystoutfiguretherewasageneralgiggleintheroom。
“Don’tbetryingtodeprecatethevalueofthelot，Mr。
Moss。”Mr。Hammerdownsaid；“letthecompanyexamineitasaworkofart——theattitudeofthegallantanimalquiteaccordingtonatur’；thegentlemaninanankeenjacket，hisguninhishand，isgoingtothechase；inthedistanceabanyhanntreeandapagody，mostlikelyresemblancesofsomeinterestingspotinourfamousEasternpossessions。Howmuchforthislot？
Come，gentlemen，don’tkeepmehereallday。”
Someonebidfiveshillings，atwhichthemilitarygentlemanlookedtowardsthequarterfromwhichthissplendidofferhadcome，andtheresawanotherofficerwithayoungladyonhisarm，whobothappearedtobehighlyamusedwiththescene，andtowhom，finally，thislotwasknockeddownforhalfaguinea。Heatthetablelookedmoresurprisedanddiscomposedthaneverwhenhespiedthispair，andhisheadsankintohismilitarycollar，andheturnedhisbackuponthem，soastoavoidthemaltogether。
OfalltheotherarticleswhichMr。Hammerdownhadthehonourtoofferforpubliccompetitionthatdayitisnotourpurposetomakemention，saveofoneonly，alittlesquarepiano，whichcamedownfromtheupperregionsofthehousethestategrandpianohavingbeendisposedofpreviously；thistheyoungladytriedwitharapidandskilfulhandmakingtheofficerblushandstartagain，andforit，whenitsturncame，heragentbegantobid。
Buttherewasanoppositionhere。TheHebrewaide-de-
campintheserviceoftheofficeratthetablebidagainsttheHebrewgentlemanemployedbytheelephantpurchasers，andabriskbattleensuedoverthislittlepiano，thecombatantsbeinggreatlyencouragedbyMr。
Hammerdown。