Ofcourseanactionwouldlie，saysJ。J。Itimpliesthatheisnotcomposmentis。U。p。up。
Composyoureye！saysAlf，laughing。Doyouknowthathe’sbalmy？Lookathishead。Doyouknowthatsomemorningshehastogethishatonwithashoehorn？
Yes，saysJ。J。，butthetruthofalibelisnodefencetoanindictmentforpublishingitintheeyesofthelaw。
Ha，ha，Alf，saysJoe。
Still，saysBloom，onaccountofthepoorwoman，Imeanhiswife。
Pityabouther，saysthecitizen。Oranyotherwomanmarriesahalfandhalf。
Howhalfandhalf？saysBloom。Doyoumeanhe。
HalfandhalfImean，saysthecitizen。Afellowthat’sneitherfishnorflesh。
Norgoodredherring，saysJoe。
Thatwhat’sImean，saysthecitizen。Apishogue，ifyouknowwhatthatis。
BegobIsawtherewastroublecoming。AndBloomexplainedhemeant，onaccountofitbeingcruelforthewifehavingtogoroundaftertheoldstutteringfool。CrueltytoanimalssoitistoletthatbloodypovertystrickenBreenoutongrasswithhisbeardouttrippinghim，bringingdowntherain。
Andshewithhernosecockahoopaftershemarriedhimbecauseacousinofhisoldfellow’swaspewopenertothepope。Pictureofhimonthewallwithhissmashallsweeney’smoustaches。ThesignorBrinifromSummerhill，theeyetallyano，papalzouavetotheHolyFather，hasleftthequayandgonetoMossstreet。Andwhowashe，tellus？Anobody，twopairbackandpassages，atsevenshillingsaweek，andhecoveredwithallkindsofbreastplatesbiddingdefiancetotheworld。
Andmoreover，saysJ。J。，apostcardispublication。ItwasheldtobesufficientevidenceofmaliceinthetestcaseSadgrovev。
Hole。Inmyopinionanactionmightlie。
Sixandeightpence，please。Whowantsyouropinion？Letusdrinkourpintsinpeace。Gob，wewon’tbeletevendothatmuchitself。
Well，goodhealth，Jack，saysNed。
Goodhealth，Ned，saysJ。J。
Thereheisagain，saysJoe。
Where？saysAlf。
AndbegobtherehewaspassingthedoorwithhisbooksunderhisoxterandthewifebesidehimandCornyKelleherwithhiswalleyelookinginastheywentpast，talkingtohimlikeafather，tryingtosellhimasecondhandcoffin。
HowdidthatCanadaswindlecasegooff？saysJoe。
Remanded，saysJ。J。
OneofthebottlenosedfraternityitwaswentbythenameofJamesWoughtaliasSaphiroaliasSparkandSpiro，putanadinthepaperssayinghe’dgiveapassagetoCanadafortwentybob。What？Doyouseeanygreeninthewhiteofmyeye？Courseitwasabloodybarney。What？Swindledthemall，skivviesandbadhachsfromthecountyMeath，ay，andhisownkidneytoo。J。J。wastellingustherewasanancientHebrewZaretskyorsomethingweepinginthewitnessboxwithhishatonhim，swearingbytheholyMoseshewasstuckfortwoquid。
Whotriedthecase？saysJoe。
Recorder，saysNed。
PooroldsirFrederick，saysAlf，youcancodhimuptothetwoeyes。
Heartasbigasalion，saysNed。Tellhimataleofwoeaboutarrearsofrentandasickwifeandasquadofkidsand，faith，he’lldissolveintearsonthebench。
Ay，saysAlf。ReubenJ。wasbloodyluckyhedidn’tclaphiminthedocktheotherdayforsuingpoorlittleGumleythat’smindingstonesforthecorporationtherenearButtbridge。
Andhestartstakingofftheoldrecorderlettingontocry：
Amostscandalousthing！Thispoorhardworkingman！Howmanychildren？
Ten，didyousay？
Yes，yourworship。Andmywifehasthetyphoid！
Andawifewithtyphoidfever！Scandalous！Leavethecourtimmediately，sir。No，sir，I’llmakenoorderforpayment。Howdareyou，sir，comeupbeforemeandaskmetomakeanorder！Apoorhardworkingindustriousman！
Idismissthecase。
AndwhereasonthesixteenthdayofthemonthoftheoxeyedgoddessandinthethirdweekafterthefeastdayoftheHolyandUndividedTrinity，thedaughteroftheskies，thevirginmoonbeingtheninherfirstquarter，itcametopassthatthoselearnedjudgesrepairedthemtothehallsoflaw。TheremasterCourtenay，sittinginhisownchamber，gavehisredeandmasterJusticeAndrewssittingwithoutajuryintheprobatecourt，weighedwellandponderedtheclaimsofthefirstchargeantuponthepropertyinthematterofthewillpropoundedandfinaltestamentarydispositioninretherealandpersonalestateofthelatelamentedJacobHalliday，vintner，deceasedversusLivingstone，aninfant，ofunsoundmind，andanother。
AndtothesolemncourtofGreenstreettherecamesirFredericktheFalconer。
Andhesathimthereaboutthehouroffiveo’clocktoadministerthelawofthebrehonsatthecommissionforallthatandthosepartstobeholdeninandforthecountyofthecityofDublin。AndtheresatwithhimthehighsinhedrimofthetwelvetribesofIar，foreverytribeoneman，ofthetribeofPatrickandofthetribeofHughandofthetribeofOwenandofthetribeofConnandofthetribeofOscarandofthetribeofFergusandofthetribeofFinnandofthetribeofDermotandofthetribeofCormacandofthetribeofKevinandofthetribeofCaolteandofthetribeofOssian，therebeinginalltwelvegoodmenandtrue。AndheconjuredthembyHimwhodiedonroodthattheyshouldwellandtrulytryandtruedelivrancemakeintheissuejoinedbetweentheirsovereignlordtheKingandtheprisoneratthebarandtrueverdictgiveaccordingtotheevidencesohelpthemGodandkissthebooks。Andtheyroseintheirseats，thosetwelveofIar，andtheysworebythenameofHimwhoisfromeverlastingthattheywoulddoHisrightwiseness。Andstraightwaytheminionsofthelawledforthfromtheirdonjonkeeponewhomthesleuthhoundsofjusticehadapprehendedinconsequenceofinformationreceived。Andtheyshackledhimhandandfootandwouldtakeofhimnebailnemainprisebutpreferredachargeagainsthimforhewasamalefactor。
Thosearenicethings，saysthecitizen，comingoverheretoIrelandfillingthecountrywithbugs。
SoBloomletsonheheardnothingandhestartstalkingwithJoetellinghimheneedn’ttroubleaboutthatlittlemattertillthefirstbutifhewouldjustsayawordtoMrCrawford。AndsoJoesworehighandholybythisandbythathe’ddothedevilandall。
Becauseyousee，saysBloom，foranadvertisementyoumusthaverepetition。
That’sthewholesecret。
Relyonme，saysJoe。
Swindlingthepeasants，saysthecitizen，andthepoorofIreland。
Wewantnomorestrangersinourhouse。
OI’msurethatwillbeallright，Hynes，saysBloom。It’sjustthatKeyesyousee。
Considerthatdone，saysJoe。
Verykindofyou，saysBloom。
Thestrangers，saysthecitizen。Ourownfault。Weletthemcomein。Webroughtthem。TheadulteressandherparamourbroughttheSaxonrobbershere。
Decreenisi，saysJ。J。
AndBloomlettingontobeawfullydeeplyinterestedinnothing，aspider’swebinthecornerbehindthebarrel，andthecitizenscowlingafterhimandtheolddogathisfeetlookinguptoknowwhotobiteandwhen。
Adishonouredwife，saysthecitizen，that’swhat’sthecauseofallourmisfortunes。
Andheresheis，saysAlf，thatwasgigglingoverthePoliceGazettewithTerryonthecounter，inallherwarpaint。Giveusasquintather，saysI。
AndwhatwasitonlyoneofthesmuttyyankeepicturesTerryborrowsoffofCornyKelleher。Secretsforenlargingyourprivateparts。Misconductofsocietybelle。NormanW。Tupper，wealthyChicagocontractor，findsprettybutfaithlesswifeinlapofofficerTaylor。BelleinherbloomersmisconductingherselfandherfancymanfeelingforherticklesandNormanW。TupperbouncinginwithhispeashooterjustintimetobelateaftershedoingthetrickoftheloopwithofficerTaylor。
OJakers，Jenny，saysJoe，howshortyourshirtis！
There’shair，Joe，saysI。Getaqueeroldtailendofcornedbeefoffofthatone，what？
SoanyhowincameJohnWyseNolanandLenehanwithhimwithafaceonhimaslongasalatebreakfast。
Well，saysthecitizen，what’sthelatestfromthesceneofaction？
WhatdidthosetinkersinthecityhallattheircaucusmeetingdecideabouttheIrishlanguage？
O’Nolan，cladinshiningarmour，lowbendingmadeobeisancetothepuissantandhighandmightychiefofallErinanddidhimtowitofthatwhichhadbefallen，howthatthegraveeldersofthemostobedientcity，secondoftherealm，hadmettheminthetholsel，andthere，afterdueprayerstothegodswhodwellinethersupernal，hadtakensolemncounselwherebytheymight，ifsobeitmightbe，bringoncemoreintohonouramongmortalmenthewingedspeechoftheseadividedGael。
It’sonthemarch，saysthecitizen。TohellwiththebloodybrutalSassenachsandtheirpatois。
SoJ。J。putsinaworddoingthetoffaboutonestorywasgoodtillyouheardanotherandblinkingfactsandtheNelsonpolicyputtingyourblindeyetothetelescopeanddrawingupabillofattaindertoimpeachanationandBloomtryingtobackhimupmoderationandbotherationandtheircoloniesandtheircivilisation。
Theirsyphilisation，youmean，saysthecitizen。Tohellwiththem！
ThecurseofagoodfornothingGodlightsidewaysonthebloodythickluggedsonsofwhores’gets！Nomusicandnoartandnoliteratureworthyofthename。Anycivilisationtheyhavetheystolefromus。Tonguetiedsonsofbastards’ghosts。
TheEuropeanfamily，saysJ。J……
They’renotEuropean，saysthecitizen。IwasinEuropewithKevinEganofParis。Youwouldn’tseeatraceofthemortheirlanguageanywhereinEuropeexceptinacabinetd’aisance。
AndsaysJohnWyse：
Fullmanyaflowerisborntoblushunseen。
AndsaysLenehanthatknowsabitofthelingo：
ConspuezlesAnglais！PerdeAlbion！
Hesaidandthenliftedheinhisrudegreatbrawnystrengthyhandsthemedherofdarkstrongfoamyaleand，utteringhistribalsloganLamhDeargAbu，hedranktotheundoingofhisfoes，araceofmightyvalorousheroes，rulersofthewaves，whositonthronesofalabastersilentasthedeathlessgods。
What’supwithyou，saysItoLenehan。Youlooklikeafellowthathadlostabobandfoundatanner。
Goldcup，sayshe。
Whowon，MrLenehan？saysTerry。
Throwaway，sayshe，attwentytoone。Arankoutsider。Andtherestnowhere。
AndBass’smare？saysTerry。
Stillrunning，sayshe。We’reallinacart。BoylanplungedtwoquidonmytipSceptreforhimselfandaladyfriend。
Ihadhalfacrownmyself，saysTerry，onZinfandelthatMrFlynngaveme。LordHowarddeWalden’s。
Twentytoone，saysLenehan。Suchislifeinanouthouse。Throwaway，sayshe。Takesthebiscuitandtalkingaboutbunions。Frailty，thynameisSceptre。
SohewentovertothebiscuittinBobDoranlefttoseeiftherewasanythinghecouldliftonthenod，theoldcurafterhimbackinghisluckwithhismangysnoutup。OldmotherHubbardwenttothecupboard。
Notthere，mychild，sayshe。
Keepyourpeckerup，saysJoe。She’dhavewonthemoneyonlyfortheotherdog。
AndJ。J。andthecitizenarguingaboutlawandhistorywithBloomstickinginanoddword。Somepeople，saysBloom，canseethemoteinothers’
eyesbuttheycan’tseethebeamintheirown。
Raimeis，saysthecitizen。There’sno-oneasblindasthefellowthatwon’tsee，ifyouknowwhatthatmeans。WhereareourmissingtwentymillionsofIrishshouldbeheretodayinsteadoffour，ourlosttribes？Andourpotteriesandtextiles，thefinestinthewholeworld！