第31章
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  `Deviltakethehorse!’criedthegentleman——`Well,tellhimI’llthinkaboutit,’headded,afteramoment’sreflection。Hecastasearchingglanceatme,astheservantwithdrew,expectingtoseeetokenofdeepastonishmentandalarm;but,beingpreviouslyprepared,Ipreservedanaspectofstoicalindifference。Hiscountenancefellashemetmysteadygaze,andheturnedawayinveryobviousdisappointment,andwalkeduptothefireplace,wherehestoodinanattitudeofundisguiseddejection,leaningagainstthechimney-piecewithhisforeheadsunkuponhisarm。

  `Wheredoyouwanttogo,Arthur?’saidI。

  `ToLondon,’repliedhe,gravely。

  `Whatfor?’Iasked。

  `BecauseIcannotbehappyhere。’

  `Whynot?’

  `Becausemywifedoesn’tloveme。’

  `Shewouldloveyouwithallherheart,ifyoudeservedit。’

  `WhatmustIdotodeserveit?’

  Thisseemedhumbleandearnestenough;andIwassomuchaffected,betweensorrowandjoy,thatIwasobligedtopauseafewsecondsbeforeIcouldsteadymyvoicetoreply。

  `ifshegivesyouherheart,’saidI,`youmusttakeitthankfully,anduseitwell,andnotpullitinpieces,andlaughinherface,becauseshecannotsnatchitaway。’

  Henowturnedroundandstoodfaringme,withhisbacktothefire。

  `Comethen,Helen,areyougoingtobeagoodgirl?’saidhe。

  Thissoundedrathertooarrogant,andthesmilethataccompanieditdidnotpleaseme。Ithereforehesitatedtoreply。Perhapsmyformeranswerhadimpliedtoomuch:hehadheardmyvoicefalter,andmighthaveseenmebrushawayatear。

  `Areyougoingtoforgiveme,Helen?’heresumed,morehumbly。

  `Areyoupenitent?’Ireplied,steppinguptohimandsmilinginhisface。

  `Heart-broken!’heanswered,witharuefulcountenance——yetwithamerrysmilejustlurkingwithinhiseyesandaboutthecornersofhismouth;butthiscouldnotrepulseme,andIflewintohisarms。HeferventlyembracedmeandthoughIshedatorrentoftears,IthinkIneverwashappierinmylifethanatthatmoment。

  `Thenyouwon’tgotoLondon,Arthur?’Isaid,whenthefirsttransportoftearsandkisseshadsubsided。

  `No,love,——unlessyouwillgowithme。’

  `Iwill,gladly,’Ianswered,`ifyouthinkthechangewillamuseyou,andifyouwillputoffthejourneytillnextweek。’

  Hereadilyconsented,butsaidtherewasnoneedofmuchpreparation,asheshouldnotbestayingforlong,forhedidnotwishmetobeLondonized,andtolosemycountryfreshnessandoriginalitybytoomuchintercoursewiththeladiesoftheworld。Ithoughtthisfolly;butIdidnotwishtocontradicthimnow:ImerelysaidthatIwasofverydomestichabits,ashewellknew,andhadnoparticularwishtominglewiththeworld。

  SowearetogotoLondononMonday,thedayafterto-morrow。

  Itisnowfourdayssincetheterminationofourquarrel,andI’msureithasdoneusbothgood:ithasmademelikeArthuragreatdealbetterandmadehimbehaveagreatdealbettertome。Hehasneveronceattemptedtoannoyme,since,bythemostdistantallusiontoLadyF——oranyofthosedisagreeablereminiscencesofhisformerlife——IwishIcouldblotthemfrommymemory,orelsegethimtoregardsuchmattersinthesamelightasIdo。Well!itissomething,however,tohavemadehimseethattheyarenotfitsubjectsforaconjugaljest。Hemayseefarthersometime——I

  willputnolimitstomyhopes;and,inspiteofmyaunt’sforebodingsandmyownunspokenfears,Itrustweshallbehappyyet。

  TheTenantofWildfellHall:Chapter25CHAPTER25FirstAbsenceONtheeighthofApril,wewenttoLondon;ontheeighthofMay,Ireturned,inobediencetoArthur’swish:verymuchagainstmyown,becauseIlefthimbehind。Ifhehadcomewithme,Ishouldhavebeenverygladtogethomeagain,forheledmesucharoundofrestlessdissipation,whilethere,that,inthatshortspaceoftime,Iwasquitetiredout。Heseemedbentupondisplayingmetohisfriendsandacquaintancesinparticular,andthepublicingeneral,oneverypossibleoccasionandtothegreatestpossibleadvantage。Itwassomethingtofeelthatheconsideredmeaworthyobjectofpride;butIpaiddearforthegratification,forinthefirstplace,topleasehim,Ihadtoviolatemycherishedpredilections——myalmostrootedprinciplesinfavourofaplain,dark,soberstyleofdress;Imustsparkleincostlyjewelsanddeckmyselfoutlikeapaintedbutterfly,justasIhad,longsince,determinedIwouldneverdo——andthiswasnothingsacrifice;

  inthesecondplace,Iwascontinuallystrainingtosatisfyhissanguineexpectationsanddohonourtohischoice,bymygeneralconductanddeportment,andfearingtodisappointhimbysomeawkwardmisdemeanour,orsometraitofinexperiencedignoranceaboutthecustomsofsociety,especiallywhenIactedthepartofhostess,whichIwasnotunfrequentlycalledupontodo;andinthethirdplace,asIintimatedbefore,Iwasweariedofthethrongandbustle,therestlesshurryandceaselesschangeoflifesoalientoallmyprevioushabits。Atlast,hesuddenlydiscoveredthattheLondonairdidnotagreewithme,andIwaslanguishingformycountryhomeandmustimmediatelyreturntoGrass-dale。

  Ilaughinglyassuredhimthatthecasewasnotsourgentasheappearedtothinkit,butIwasquitewillingtogohomeifhewas。Herepliedthatheshouldbeobligedtoremainaweekortwolonger,ashehadbusinessthatrequiredhispresence。

  `ThenIwillstaywithyou,’saidI。

  `ButIcan’tdowithyou,Helen,’washisanswer:`aslongasyoustay,Ishallattendtoyouandneglectmybusiness。’

  `ButIwon’tletyou,’Ireturned:`nowthatIknowyouhavebusinesstoattendto,Ishallinsistuponyourattendingtoit,andlettingmealone——and,totellyouthetruth,Ishallbegladofalittlerest。I

  cantakemyridesandwalksintheparkasusual;andyourbusinesscannotoccupyallyourtime;Ishallseeyouatmealtimesandintheevenings,atleast,andthatwillbebetterthanbeingleaguesawayandneverseeingyouatall。’

  `Butmylove,Icannotletyoustay。HowcanIsettlemyaffairswhenIknowthatyouarehere,neglected——’

  `Ishallnotfeelmyselfneglected:whileyouaredoingyourduty,Arthur,Ishallnevercomplainofneglect。Ifyouhadtoldme,before,thatyouhadanythingtodo,itwouldhavebeenhalfdonebeforethis;

  andnowyoumustmakeupforlosttimebyredoubledexertions。Tellmewhatitis;andIwillbeyourtaskmaster,insteadofbeingahindrance。’

  `No,no,’persistedtheimpracticablecreature;`youmustgohome,Helen;Imusthavethesatisfactionofknowingthatyouaresafeandwell,thoughfaraway。Don’tIseethatyouarelookingquiterakish?——Yourbrighteyesarefaded,andthattender,delicatebloomhasquitedesertedyourcheek’

  `Thatisonlywithtoomuchgaietyandfatigue。’

  `Itisnot,Itellyou;itistheLondonair:youarepiningforthefreshbreezesofyourcountryhome——andyoushallfeelthem,beforeyouaretwodaysolder。Andrememberyoursituation,dearestHelen;onyourhealth,youknow,dependsthehealth,ifnotthelife,ofourfuturehope。’

  `Thenyoureallywishtogetridofme?’

  `Positively,Ido;andIwilltakeyoudownmyselftoGrass-dale,andthenreturn。Ishallnotbeabsentaboveaweek——orfortnightatmost。’

  `ButifImustgo,Iwillgoalone:ifyoumuststay,itisneedlesstowasteyourtimeinthejourneythereandback。’

  Buthedidnotliketheideaofsendingmealone。

  `Why,whathelplesscreaturedoyoutakemefor,’Ireplied,`thatyoucannottrustmetogoahundredmilesinourowncarriagewithourownfootmanandmaidtoattendme?IfyoucomewithmeIshallassuredlykeepyou。Buttellme,Arthur,whatisthistiresomebusiness;andwhydidyounevermentionitbefore?’

  `Itisonlyalittlebusinesswithmylawyer,’saidhe;andhetoldmesomethingaboutapieceofpropertyhewantedtosellinordertopayoffapartoftheencumbrancesonhisestate;buteithertheaccountwasalittleconfusedorIwasratherdullofcomprehension,forIcouldnotclearlyunderstandhowthatshouldkeephimintownafortnightafterme。StilllesscanInowcomprehendhowitshouldkeephimamonth——foritisnearlythattimesinceIlefthim,andnosignsofhisreturnasyet,ineveryletterhepromisestobewithmeinafewdays,andeverytimedeceivesme——ordeceiveshimself。Hisexcusesarevagueandinsufficient。

  Icannotdoubtthatheisgotamonghisformercompanionsagain——Oh,whydidIleavehim?Iwish——Idointenselywishhewouldreturn!

  June29th——NoArthuryet;andformanydaysIhavebeenlookingandlonginginvainforaletter。Hisletters,whentheycome,arekind——iffairwordsandendearingepithetscangivethemaclaimtothetitle——butveryshort,andfulloftrivialexcusesandpromisesthatIcannottrust;

  andyethowanxiouslyIlookforwardtothem!howeagerlyIopenanddevouroneofthoselittle,hastily-scribbledreturnsforthethreeorfourlongletters,hithertounanswered,hehashadfromme!

  Oh,itiscrueltoleavemesolongalone!HeknowsIhavenoonebutRacheltospeakto,forwehavenoneighbourshere,excepttheHargraves,whoseresidenceIcandimlydescryfromtheseupperwindowsembosomedamongthoselow,woodyhillsbeyondthedale。IwasgladwhenIlearntthatMilicentwassonearus;andhercompanywouldbeasoothingsolacetomenow,butsheisstillintownwithhermother:thereisnooneattheGrovebutlittleEstherandherFrenchgoverness,forWalterisalwaysaway,IsawthatparagonofmanlyperfectionsinLondon:heseemedscarcelytomerittheeulogiumsofhismotherandsister,thoughhecertainlyappearedmoreconversableandagreeablethanLordLowborough,morecandidandhigh-mindedthanMrGrimsby,andmorepolishedandgentlemanlythanMrHattersley,Arthur’sonlyotherfriendwhomhejudgedfittointroducetome——Oh,Arthur,whywon’tyoucome!whywon’tyouwritetomeatleast!

  Youtalkedaboutmyhealth——howcanyouexpectmetogatherbloomandvigourhere,pininginsolitudeandrestlessanxietyfromdaytoday?——Itwouldserveyourighttocomebackandfindmygoodlooksentirelywastedaway。

  Iwouldbegmyuncleandaunt,ormybrother,tocomeandseeme,butI

  donotliketocomplainofmylonelinesstothem,——andindeed,lonelinessistheleastofmysufferings;butwhatishedoing?——whatisitthatkeepshimaway?Itisthisever-recurringquestionandthehorriblesuggestionsitraisesthatdistractme。

  July3rd——Mylastbitterletterhaswrungfromhimanansweratlast,——andaratherlongeronethanusual;butstill,Idon’tknowwhattomakeofit,Heplayfullyabusesmeforthegallandvinegarofmylatesteffusion,tellsmeIcanhavenoconceptionofthemultitudinousengagementsthatkeephimaway,butaversthat,inspiteofthemall,hewillassuredlybewithmebeforethecloseofnextweek;thoughitisimpossibleforaman,socircumstancedasheis,tofixtheprecisedayofhisreturn:meantime,heexhortsmetotheexerciseofpatience,`thatfirstofwoman’svirtues,’

  anddesiresmetorememberthesaying,`Absencemakestheheartgrowfonder,’

  andcomfortmyselfwiththeassurancethatthelongerhestaysaway,thebetterheshalllovemewhenheredandtillhedoesreturn,hebegsI

  willcontinuetowritetohimconstantly,for,thoughheissometimestooidleandoftentoobusytoanswermylettersastheycome,helikestoreceivethemdaily,andifIfulfilmythreatofpunishinghisseemingneglectbyceasingtowrite,heshallbesoangrythathewilldohisutmosttoforgetme。HeaddsthispieceofintelligencerespectingpoorMilicentHargrave:——

  `YourlittlefriendMilicentislikely,beforelong,tofollowyourexample,andtakeuponhertheyokeofmatrimonyinconjunctionwithafriendofmine。Hattersley,youknow,hasnotyetfulfilledhisdirefulthreatofthrowinghispreciouspersonawayonthefirstoldmaidthatchosetoevinceatendernessforhim;buthestillpreservesaresolutedeterminationtoseehimselfamarriedmanbeforetheyearisout:“Only。”

  saidhetome,“Imusthavesomebodythatwillletmehavemyownwayineverything——notlikeyourwife,Huntingdon;sheisacharmingcreature,butshelooksasifshehadawillofherown,andcouldplaythevixenuponoccasion。”Ithought,“You’rerightthere,man。”butIdidn’tsayso。“Imusthavesomegood,quietsoulthatwillletmejustdowhatI

  likeandgowhereIlike,keepathomeorstayaway,withoutawordofreproachorcomplaint;forIcan’tdowithbeingbothered。”“Well。”saidI,“Iknowsomebodythatwillsuityoutoatee,ifyoudon’tcareformoney,andthat’sHargrave’ssister,Milicent。”Hedesiredtobeintroducedtoherforthwith,forhesaidhehadplentyoftheneedfulhimself——orshouldhave,whenhisoldgovernorchosetoquitthestage。Soyousee,Helen,Ihavemanagedprettywell,bothforyourfriendandmine。’

  PoorMilicent!ButIcannotimagineshewilleverbeledtoacceptsuchasuitor——onesorepugnanttoallherideasofamantobehonouredandloved。

  5th——Alas!Iwasmistaken,IhavegotalongletterfromherthismornIng,tellingmesheisalreadyengaged,andexpectstobemarriedbeforethecloseofthemonth。

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