第30章
加入书架 A- A+
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  Infineweatherhegenerallymanagestogetthroughthetimeprettywell;

  butonrainydays,ofwhichwehavehadagoodmanyoflate,itisquitepainfultowitnesshisennui。Idoallcantoamusehim,butitisimpossibletogethimtofeelinterestedwhatImostliketotalkabout;while,ontheotherhand,helikestotalkaboutthingsthatcannotinterestme——oreventhatannoyme——andthesepleasehimthemostofall;forhisfavouriteamusementistositorlollbesidemeonthesofaandtellmestoriesofhisformeramours,alwaysturningupontheruinofsomeconfidinggirlorthecozeningofsomeunsuspectinghusband;andwhenIexpressmyhorrorandindignation,helaysitalltothechargeofjealousy,andlaughstillthetearsrundownhischeeks。Iusedtoflyintopassionsormeltintotearsatfirst,butseeingthathisdelightincreasedinproportiontomyangerandagitation,Ihavesinceendeavouredtosuppressmyfeelingsandreceivehisrevelationsinthesilenceofcalmcontempt;butstill,hereadstheinwardstruggleinmyface,andmisconstruesmybitternessofsoulforhisunworthinessintothepangsofwoundedjealousy;andwhenhehassufficientlydivertedhimselfwiththat,orfearsmydispleasurewillbecometooseriousforhiscomfort,betriestokissandsoothemeintosmilesagain——neverwerehiscaressessolittlewelcomeasthen!Thisisdoubleselfishness,displayedtomeandtothevictimsofhisformerlove。Therearetimeswhen,withamomentarypang——aflashofwilddismay,Iaskmyself,`Helen,whathaveyoudone?’ButIrebuketheinwardquestioner,andrepeltheobtrusivethoughtsthatcrowduponme;for,werehetentimesassensualandimpenetrabletogoodandloftythoughts,IwellknowIhaveDorighttocomplain。AndIdon’tandwon’tcomplain。Idoandwilllovehimstill;andIdonotandwillnotregretthatIhavelinkedmyfatewithhis。

  April4th——Wehavehadadownrightquarrel。`Theparticularsareasfollows:——Arthurhadtoldme,atdifferentintervals,thewholestoryofhisintriguewithLadyF——,whichIwouldnotbelievebefore。

  Itwassomeconsolation,however,tofindthat,inthisinstance,theladyhadbeenmoretoblamethanhe;forhewasveryyoungatthetime,andshehaddecidedlymadethefirstadvances,ifwhathesaidwastrue。I

  hatedherforit,foritseemedasifshehadchieflycontributedtohiscorruption,andwhenhewasbeginningtotalkabouthertheotherday,Ibeggedhewouldnotmentionher,forIdetestedtheverysoundofhername,——

  `Notbecauseyoulovedher,Arthur,mind,butbecausesheinjuredyou,anddeceivedherhusband,andwasaltogetheraveryabominablewoman,whomyououghttobeashamedtomention。’

  Buthedefendedherbysayingthatshehadadotingoldhusband,whomitwasimpossibletolove。

  `Thenwhydidshemarryhim?’saidI。

  `Forhismoney,’wasthereply。

  `Thenthatwasanothercrime,andhersolemnpromisetoloveandhonourhimwasanother,thatonlyincreasedtheenormityofthelast。’

  `Youaretoosevereuponthepoorlady,’laughedhe。`Butnevermind,Helen,Idon’tcareforhernow;andIneverlovedanyofthemhalfasmuchasIdoyou;soyouneedn’tfeartobeforsakenlikethem。’

  `Ifyouhadtoldmethesethingsbefore,Arthur,Inevershouldhavegivenyouthechance。’

  `Wouldn’tyou,mydarling!’

  `Mostcertainlynot!’

  Helaughedincredulously。

  `IwishIcouldconvinceyouofitnow!’criedI,startingupfrombesidehim;andforthefirsttimeinmylife,andIhopethelast,IwishedIhadnotmarriedhim。

  `Helen,’saidhe,moregravely,`doyouknowthatifIbelievedyounow,Ishouldbeveryangry?——butthankHeavenIdon’t。Thoughyoustandtherewithyourwhitefaceandflashingeyes,lookingatmelikeaverytigress,Iknowtheheartwithinyou,perhapsatriflebetterthanyouknowityourself。’

  Withoutanotherword,Ilefttheroom,andlockedmyselfupinmyownchamber。Inabouthalfanhour,hecametothedoor;andfirsthetriedthehandle,thenheknocked。

  `Won’tyouletmein,Helen?’saidhe。

  `No;youhavedispleasedme,’Ireplied,`andIdon’twanttoseeyourfaceorhearyourvoiceagaintillthemorning。’

  Hepausedamoment,asifdumbfounderedoruncertainhowtoanswersuchaspeech,andthenturnedandwalkedaway。Thiswasonlyanhourafterdinner:Iknewhewouldfinditverydulltositalonealltheevening;

  andthisconsiderablysoftenedmyresentment,thoughitdidnotmakemerelent。Iwasdeterminedtoshowhimthatmyheartwasnothisslave,andIcouldlivewithouthimifIchose;andIsatdownandwrotealonglettertomyaunt——ofcoursetellinghernothingofallthis。Soonafterteno’clock,Iheardhimcomeupagain;buthepassedmydoorandwentstraighttohisowndressing-room,whereheshuthimselfinforthefight。

  Iwasratheranxioustoseehowhewouldmeetmeinthemorning,andnotalittledisappointedtobeholdhimenterthebreakfast-roomwithacarelesssmile。

  `Areyoucrossstill,Helen?’saidhe,approachingasiftosaluteme。Icoldlyturnedtothetable,andbegantopouroutthecoffee,observingthathewasratherlate。

  Heutteredalowwhistleandsaunteredawaytothewindow,wherehestoodforsomeminuteslookingoutuponthepleasingprospectofsullen,greyclouds,streamingrain,soakinglawn,anddripping,leaflesstrees——andmutteringexecrationsontheweather,andthensatdowntobreakfast。~etakinghiscoffee,hemuttereditwas`d——dcold。’

  `Youshouldnothaveleftitsolong,’saidI。

  HemadeDoanswer,andthemealwasconcludedinsilence。Itwasarelieftobothwhentheletter-bagwasbroughtin。Itcontained,uponexamination,anewspaperandoneortwolettersforhim,andacoupleoflettersforme,whichhetossedacrossthetablewithoutaremark。Onewasfrommybrother,theotherfromMilicentHargrave,whoisnowinLondonwithhermother。His,Ithink,werebusinessletters,andapparentlynotmuchtohismind,forhecrushedthemintohispocketwithsomemutteredexpletives,thatIshouldhavereprovedhimforatanyothertime。Thepaper,hesetbeforehim,andpretendedtobedeeplyabsorbedinitscontentsduringtheremainderofbreakfast,andaconsiderabletimeafter。

  Thereadingandansweringofmyletters,andthedirectionofhouseholdconcerns,affordedmeampleemploymentforthemorning;afterlunch,Igotmydrawing,andfromdinnertillbedtime,Iread。Meanwhile,poorArthurwassadlyatalossforsomethingtoamusehimortooccupyhistime。HewantedtoappearasbusyandasunconcernedasIdid:hadtheweatheratallpermitted,hewoulddoubtlesshaveorderedhishorseandsetofftosomedistantregion——nomatterwhere——immediatelyafterbreakfast,andnotreturnedtillnight;hadtherebeenaladyanywherewithinreach,ofanyagebetweenfifteenandforty-five,hewouldhavesoughtrevengeandfoundemploymentingettingup——ortryingtogetup——adesperateflirtationwithher;butbeing,tomyprivatesatisfaction,entirelycutofffromboththesesourcesofdiversion,hissufferingsweretrulydeplorable。Benhehaddoneyawningoverhispaperandscribblingshortanswerstohisshorterletters,hespenttheremainderofthemorningandthewholeoftheafternooninfidgetingaboutfromroomtoroom,watchingtheclouds,cursingtherain,alternatelypetting,andteasing,andabusinghisdogs,sometimesloungingonthesofawithabookthathecouldnotforcehimselftoread,andveryoftenfixedlygazingatme,whenhethoughtIdidnotperceiveit,withthevainhopeofdetectingsometracesoftears,orsometokensofremorsefulanguishinmyface。ButImanagedtopreserveanundisturbed,thoughgraveserenitythroughouttheday。Iwasnotreallyangry:Ifeltforhimallthetime,andlongedtobereconciled;butI

  determinedheshouldmakethefirstadvances,oratleastshowsomesignsofanhumbleandcontritespirit,first;for,ifIbegan,itwouldonlyministertohisself-conceit,increasehisarrogance,andquitedestroythelessonIwantedtogivehim。

  Hemadealongstayinthedining-roomafterdinner,and,Ifear,tookanunusualquantityofwine,butnotenoughtoloosenhistongue;

  forwhenhecameinandfoundmequietlyoccupiedwithmybook,toobusytoliftmyheadonhisentrance,hemerelymurmuredanexpressionofsuppresseddisapprobation,and,shuttingthedoorwithabang,wentandstretchedhimselfatfulllengthonthesofa,andcomposedhimselftosleep。Buthisfavouritecocker,Dash,thathadbeenlyingatmyfeet,tookthelibertyofjumpinguponhimandbeginningtolickhisface。Hestruckitoffwithasmartblow;andthepoordogsqueaked,andrancoweringbacktome。denhewokeup,abouthalfanhourafter,hecalledittohimagain;butDashonlylookedsheepishandwaggedthetipofhistail。Hecalledagain,moresharply,butDashonlyclungtheclosertome,andlickedmyhandasifimploringprotection。Enragedatthis,hismastersnatchedupaheavybookandhurleditathishead。Thepoordogsetupapiteousoutcryandrantothedoor。Ilethimout,andthenquietlytookupthebook。

  `Givethatbooktome,’saidArthur,inverycourteoustone。I

  gaveittohim。’

  `Whydidyouletthedogout?’heasked。`YouknewIwantedhim。’

  `Bywhattoken?’Ireplied;`byyourthrowingthebookathim?

  butperhapsitwasintendedforme?’

  `No——butIseeyou’vegotatasteofit,’saidhe,lookingatmyhand,thathadalsobeenstruck,andwasratherseverelygrazed。

  Ireturnedtomyreading;andheendeavouredtooccupyhimselfinthesamemanner;but,inalittlewhile,afterseveralportentousyawns,hepronouncedhisbooktobe`cursedtrash,’andthrewitontothetable。Thenfollowedeightortenminutesofsilence,duringthegreaterpartofwhich,Ibelieve,hewasstaringatme。Atlasthispatiencewastiredout。

  `Whatisthatbook,Helen?’heexclaimed。

  Itoldhim。

  `Isitinteresting?’

  `Yes,very。’

  `Humph!’

  Iwentonreading——orpretendingtoread,atleast——Icannotsaytherewasmuchcommunicationbetweenmyeyesandmybrain;for,whiletheformerranoverthepages,thelatterwasearnestlywonderingwhenArthurwouldspeaknext,andwhathewouldsay,andwhatIshouldanswer。ButhedidnotspeakagaintillIrosetomakethetea,andthenitwasonlytosayheshouldnottakeany。Hecontinuedloungingonthesofa。andalternatelyclosinghiseyesandlookingathiswatchandatme,tillbedtime,whenIrose,andtookmycandleandretired。

  `Helen!’criedhe,themomentIhadlefttheroom。Iturnedback,andstoodawaitinghiscommands。

  `Whatdoyouwant,Arthur?’Isaid,atlength。

  `Nothing,’repliedhe。`Go!’

  Iwent,buthearinghimmuttersomethingasIwasclosingthedoor,Iturnedagain。Itsoundedverylike`confoundedslut,’butIwasquitewillingitshouldbesomethingelse。

  `Wereyouspeaking,Arthur?’Iasked。

  `No,’wastheanswer;andIshutthedoomanddeparted。Isawnothingmoreofhimtillthefollowingmorningatbreakfast,whenhecamedownafullhouraftertheusualtime。

  `You’reverylate,’wasmymorning’ssalutation。

  `Youneedn’thavewaitedforme,’washis;andhewalkeduptothewindowagain。Itwasjustsuchweatherasyesterday。

  `Oh,thisconfoundedrain!’hemuttered。Butafterstudiouslyregardingitforaminuteortwo,abrightideaseemedtostrikehim,forhesuddenlyexclaimed,`ButIknowwhatI’lldo!’andthenreturnedandtookhisseatatthetable。Theletter。bagwasalreadythere,waitingtobeopened。Heunlockeditandexaminedthecontents,butsaidnothingaboutthem。

  `Is,thereanythingforme?’Iasked。

  `No。’Heopenedthenewspaperandbegantoread。

  `You’dbettertakeyourcoffee,’suggestedI;`itwillbecoldagain。’

  `Youmaygo,’saidhe,`ifyou’vedone。Idon’twantyou。’

  Irose,andwithdrewtothenextroom,wonderingifweweretohaveanothersuchmiserabledayasyesterday,andwishingintenselyforanendofthesemutuallyinflictedtorments。Shortlyafter,Iheardhimringthebellandgivesomeordersabouthiswardrobethatsoundedasifhemeditatedalongjourney。Hethensentforthecoachman,andIheardsomethingaboutthecarriageandthehorses,andLondon,andseveno’clockto-morrowmorning,thatstartledanddisturbedmenotalittle。

  `ImustnotlethimgotoLondon,whatevercomesofit,’saidItomyself:`hewillrunintoallkindsofmischief,andIshallbethecauseofit。Butthequestionis,howamItoalterhispurpose?——Well,Iwillwaitawhile,andseeifhementionsit。’

  Iwaitedmostanxiously,fromhourtohour;butnotawordwasspoken,onthatoranyothersubject,tome。Hewhistled,andtalkedtohisdogs,andwanderedfromroomtoroom,muchthesameasonthepreviousday。AtlastIbegantothinkImustintroducethesubjectmyself,andwasponderinghowtobringitabout,whenJohnunwittinglycametomyreliefwiththefollowingmessagefromthecoachman:——

  `Please,sir,Richardsaveoneofthehorseshasgotaverybadcold,andhethinks,sir,ifyoucouldmakeitconvenienttogothedayafterto-morrow,insteadofto-morrow,hecouldphysicittodaysoas——’

  `Confoundhisimpudence!’interjectedthemaster。

  `Please,sir,hesaysitwouldbeadealbetterifyoucould,’

  persistedJohn,`forhehopesthere’llbeachangeintheweathershortly,andhesaysit’snotlikely,whenahorseissobadwithacold,andphysickedandall——’

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