Seethenewdraf’spourin’infortheoldcampaign；
Ho，youpoorrecruities，butyou’vegottoearnyourpay——
What’sthelastfromLunnon，lads？We’regoin’thereto-day。
Troopin’，troopin’，giveanothercheer——
’Ere’stoEnglishwomenan’aquartofEnglishbeer。
TheColonelan’theregimentan’allwho’vegottostay，Gawd’smercystrike’emgentle——Whoop！we’regoin’’ometo-day。
We’regoin’’ome，we’regoin’’ome，Ourshipisattheshore，An’youmustpackyour’aversack，Forwewon’tcomebacknomore。
Ho，don’tyougrieveforme，MylovelyMary-Ann，ForI’llmarryyouyitonafourp’nybitAsatime-expiredman。
FORDO’KABULRIVER
Kabultown’sbyKabulriver——
Blowthebugle，drawthesword——
ThereIlef’mymateforever，Wetan’drippin’bytheford。
Ford，ford，fordo’Kabulriver，Fordo’Kabulriverinthedark！
There’stheriverupandbrimmin’，an’there’s’arfasquadronswimmin’
’Crossthefordo’Kabulriverinthedark。
Kabultown’sablastedplace——
Blowthebugle，drawthesword——
’StrewthIsha’n’tforget’isfaceWetan’drippin’bytheford！
Ford，ford，fordo’Kabulriver，Fordo’Kabulriverinthedark！
Keepthecrossing-stakesbesideyou，an’theywillsurelyguideyou’Crossthefordo’Kabulriverinthedark。
Kabultownissunanddust——
Blowthebugle，drawthesword——
I’dha’soonerdrowndedfust’Steadof’imbesidetheford。
Ford，ford，fordo’Kabulriver，Fordo’Kabulriverinthedark！
Youcan’earthe’orsesthreshin’，youcan’earthemena-splashin’，’Crossthefordo’Kabulriverinthedark。
Kabultownwasourstotake——
Blowthebugle，drawthesword——
I’dha’leftitfor’issake——
’Imthatleftmebytheford。
Ford，ford，fordo’Kabulriver，Fordo’Kabulriverinthedark！
It’snonesobloomin’drythere；ain’tyounevercomin’nighthere，’Crossthefordo’Kabulriverinthedark？
Kabultown’llgotohell——
Blowthebugle，drawthesword——
’ForeIseehim’livean’well——
’Imthebestbesidetheford。
Ford，ford，fordo’Kabulriver，Fordo’Kabulriverinthedark！
Gawd’elp’emiftheyblunder，fortheirboots’llpull’emunder，Bythefordo’Kabulriverinthedark。
Turnyour’orsefromKabultown——
Blowthebugle，drawthesword——
’Iman’’arfmytroopisdown，Downan’drowndedbytheford。
Ford，ford，fordo’Kabulriver，Fordo’Kabulriverinthedark！
There’stheriverlowan’fallin’，butitain’tnouseo’callin’
’Crossthefordo’Kabulriverinthedark。
ROUTEMARCHIN’
We’remarchin’onreliefoverInjia’ssunnyplains，Alittlefronto’Christmas-timean’justbe’indtheRains；
Ho！getawayyoubullock-man，you’ve’eardthebugleblowed，There’saregimenta-comin’downtheGrandTrunkRoad；
WithitsbestfootfirstAndtheroada-slidingpast，An’everybloomin’campin’-groundexactlylikethelast；
WhiletheBigDrumsays，With’is“rowdy-dowdy-dow！”——
“Kikokissywarstidon’tyouhamsherargyjow？”
Oh，there’sthemInjiantemplestoadmirewhenyousee，There’sthepeacockroundthecorneran’themonkeyupthetree，An’there’sthatrummysilvergrassa-wavin’inthewind，An’theoldGrandTrunka-trailin’likearifle-slingbe’ind。
Whileit’sbestfootfirst，。
Athalf-pastfive’sRevelly，an’ourtentstheydownmustcome，Likealotofbuttonmushroomswhenyoupick’emupat’ome。
Butit’soverinaminute，an’atsixthecolumnstarts，Whilethewomenandthekiddiessitan’shiverinthecarts。
An’it’sbestfootfirst，。
Oh，thenit’sopenorder，an’welightsourpipesan’sings，An’wetalksaboutourrationsan’alotofotherthings，An’wethinkso’friendsinEngland，an’wewonderswhatthey’reat，An’’owtheywouldadmirefortohearusslingthebat。1
An’it’sbestfootfirst，。
It’snonesobado’Sunday，whenyou’relyin’atyourease，Towatchthekitesa-wheelin’roundthemfeather-’eadedtrees，Foralthoughthereain’tnowomen，yetthereain’tnobarrick-yards，Sotheorficersgoesshootin’an’thementheyplaysatcards。
Tillit’sbestfootfirst，。
So’arkan’’eed，yourookies，whichisalwaysgrumblin’sore，There’sworserthingsthanmarchin’fromUmballatoCawnpore；
An’ifyour’eelsareblisteredan’theyfeelsto’urtlike’ell，Youdropsometallowinyoursocksan’thatwillmake’emwell。
Forit’sbestfootfirst，。
We’remarchin’onreliefoverInjia’scoralstrand，Eight’undredfightin’Englishmen，theColonel，andtheBand；
Ho！getawayyoubullock-man，you’ve’eardthebugleblowed，There’saregimenta-comin’downtheGrandTrunkRoad；
WithitsbestfootfirstAndtheroada-slidingpast，An’everybloomin’campin’-groundexactlylikethelast；
WhiletheBigDrumsays，With’is“rowdy-dowdy-dow！”——
“Kikokissywarstidon’tyouhamsherargyjow？”2
1Thomas’sfirstandfirmestconvictionisthatheisaprofoundOrientalistandafluentspeakerofHindustaniAsamatteroffact，hedependslargelyonthesign-language。
2Whydon’tyougetonTheendVOLUMEIIITHEPHANTOM’RICKSHAWANDOTHER
GHOSTSTORIES
THEPHANTOM’RICKSHAW
Maynoilldreamsdisturbmyrest，NorPowersofDarknessmemolest-
EveningHymn。
ONEofthefewadvantagesthatIndiahasoverEnglandisagreatKnowabilityAfterfiveyears’serviceamanisdirectlyorindirectlyacquaintedwiththetwoorthreehundredCiviliansinhisProvince，alltheMessesoftenortwelveRegimentsandBatteries，andsomefifteenhundredotherpeopleofthenon-officialcasteIntenyearshisknowledgeshouldbedoubled，andattheendoftwentyheknows，orknowssomethingabout，everyEnglishmanintheEmpire，andmaytravelanywhereandeverywherewithoutpayinghotel-bills。
Globe-trotterswhoexpectentertainmentasaright，have，evenwithinmymemory，bluntedthisopen-heartedness，butnonethelessto-day，ifyoubelongtotheInnerCircleandareneitheraBearnoraBlackSheep，allhousesareopentoyou，andoursmallworldisvery，verykindandhelpful。
RickettofKamarthastayedwithPolderofKumaonsomefifteenyearsagoHemeanttostaytwonights，butwasknockeddownbyrheumaticfever，andforsixweeksdisorganizedPolder’sestablishment，stoppedPolder’swork，andnearlydiedinPolder’sbedroomPolderbehavesasthoughhehadbeenplacedundereternalobligationbyRickett，andyearlysendsthelittleRickettsaboxofpresentsandtoysItisthesameeverywhereThemenwhodonottakethetroubletoconcealfromyoutheiropinionthatyouareanincompetentass，andthewomenwhoblackenyourcharacterandmisunderstandyourwife’samusements，willworkthemselvestotheboneinyourbehalfifyoufallsickorintoserioustrouble。
Heatherlegh，theDoctor，kept，inadditiontohisregularpractice，ahospitalonhisprivateaccount-anarrangementoflooseboxesforIncurables，hisfriendcalledit-butitwasreallyasortoffitting-upshedforcraftthathadbeendamagedbystressofweatherTheweatherinIndiaisoftensultry，andsincethetaleofbricksisalwaysafixedquantity，andtheonlylibertyallowedispermissiontoworkovertimeandgetnothanks，menoccasionallybreakdownandbecomeasmixedasthemetaphorsinthissentence。
Heatherleghisthedearestdoctorthateverwas，andhisinvariableprescriptiontoallhispatientsis，“lielow，goslow，andkeepcool。”
HesaysthatmoremenarekilledbyoverworkthantheimportanceofthisworldjustifiesHemaintainsthatoverworkslewPansay，whodiedunderhishandsaboutthreeyearsagoHehas，ofcourse，therighttospeakauthoritatively，andhelaughsatmytheorythattherewasacrackinPansay’sheadandalittlebitoftheDarkWorldcamethroughandpressedhimtodeath“Pansaywentoffthehandle。”saysHeatherlegh，“afterthestimulusoflongleaveatHomeHemayorhemaynothavebehavedlikeablackguardtoMrsKeith-WessingtonMynotionisthattheworkoftheKatabundiSettlementranhimoffhislegs，andthathetooktobroodingandmakingmuchofanordinaryP&0flirtationHecertainlywasengagedtoMissMannering，andshecertainlybrokeofftheengagementThenhetookafeverishchillandallthatnonsenseaboutghostsdevelopedOverworkstartedhisillness，keptitalight，andkilledhimpoordevilWritehimofftotheSystem-onemantotaketheworkoftwoandahalfmen。”
IdonotbelievethisIusedtositupwithPansaysometimeswhenHeatherleghwascalledouttopatients，andIhappenedtobewithinclaimThemanwouldmakememostunhappybydescribinginalow，evenvoice，theprocessionthatwasalwayspassingatthebottomofhisbedHehadasickman’scommandoflanguage。
WhenherecoveredIsuggestedthatheshouldwriteoutthewholeaffairfrombeginningtoend，knowingthatinkmightassisthimtoeasehismindWhenlittleboyshavelearnedanewbadwordtheyareneverhappytilltheyhavechalkedituponadoorAndthisalsoisLiterature。
Hewasinahighfeverwhilehewaswriting，andtheblood-and-
thunderMagazinedictionheadopteddidnotcalmhimTwomonthsafterwardhewasreportedfitforduty，but，inspiteofthefactthathewasurgentlyneededtohelpanundermannedCommissionstaggerthroughadeficit，hepreferredtodie；vowingatthelastthathewashag-riddenIgothismanuscriptbeforehedied，andthisishisversionoftheaffair，dated1885：
MydoctortellsmethatIneedrestandchangeofairItisnotimprobablethatIshallgetbotherelong-restthatneitherthered-coatedmessengernorthemiddayguncanbreak，andchangeofairfarbeyondthatwhichanyhomeward-boundsteamercangivemeInthemeantimeIamresolvedtostaywhereIam；and，inflatdefianceofmydoctor’sorders，totakealltheworldintomyconfidenceYoushalllearnforyourselvestheprecisenatureofmymalady；andshall，too，judgeforyourselveswhetheranymanbornofwomanonthiswearyearthwaseversotormentedasI。
Speakingnowasacondemnedcriminalmightspeakerethedrop-boltsaredrawn，mystory，wildandhideouslyimprobableasitmayappear，demandsatleastattentionThatitwilleverreceivecredenceIutterlydisbelieveTwomonthsagoIshouldhavescoutedasmadordrunkthemanwhohaddaredtellmethelike。
TwomonthsagoIwasthehappiestmaninIndiaToday，fromPeshawurtothesea，thereisnoonemorewretchedMydoctorandIaretheonlytwowhoknowthisHisexplanationis，thatmybrain，digestion，andeyesightareallslightlyaffected；givingrisetomyfrequentandpersistent“delusions。”Delusions，indeed！I
callhimafool；butheattendsmestillwiththesameunweariedsmile，thesameblandprofessionalmanner，thesameneatlytrimmedredwhiskers，tillIbegintosuspectthatIamanungrateful，evil-temperedinvalidButyoushalljudgeforyour-selves。
ThreeyearsagoitwasmyfortunemygreatmisfortunetosailfromGravesendtoBombay，onreturnfromlongleave，withoneAgnesKeith-Wessington，wifeofanofficerontheBombaysideItdoesnotintheleastconcernyoutoknowwhatmannerofwomanshewasBecontentwiththeknowledgethat，erethevoyagehadended，bothsheandIweredesperatelyandunreasoninglyinlovewithoneanotherHeavenknowsthatIcanmaketheadmissionnowwithoutoneparticleofvanityInmattersofthissortthereisalwaysonewhogivesandanotherwhoacceptsFromthefirstdayofourill-omenedattachment，IwasconsciousthatAgnes’spassionwasastronger，amoredominant，and-ifImayusetheexpression-apurersentimentthanmineWhethersherecognizedthefactthen，IdonotknowAfterwarditwasbitterlyplaintobothofus。
ArrivedatBombayinthespringoftheyear，wewentourrespectiveways，tomeetnomoreforthenextthreeorfourmonths，whenmyleaveandherlovetookusbothtoSimlaTherewespenttheseasontogether；andtheremyfireofstrawburneditselfouttoapitifulendwiththeclosingyearIattemptnoexcuseImakenoapologyMrsWessingtonhadgivenupmuchformysake，andwaspreparedtogiveupallFrommyownlips，inAugust，1882，shelearnedthatIwassickofherpresence，tiredofhercompany，andwearyofthesoundofhervoiceNinety-ninewomenoutofahundredwouldhaveweariedofmeasIweariedofthem；seventy-fiveofthatnumberwouldhavepromptlyavengedthemselvesbyactiveandobtrusiveflirtation’withothermenMrs。
WessingtonwasthehundredthOnherneithermyopenlyexpressedaversionnorthecuttingbrutalitieswithwhichI
garnishedourinterviewshadtheleasteffect。
“Jack，darling！”washeroneeternalcuckoocry：“I’msureit’sallamistake-ahideousmistake；andwe’llbegoodfriendsagainsomedayPleaseforgiveme，Jack，dear。”