THETHREECLERKSOFST。NICHOLAS
The/InnoftheThreeBarbels/wasformerlyatTours，thebestplaceinthetownforsumptuousfare；andthelandlord，reputedthebestofcooks，wenttoprepareweddingbreakfastsasfarasChatelherault，Loches，Vendome，andBlois。Thissaidman，anoldfox，perfectinhisbusiness，neverlightedlampsinthedaytime，knewhowtoskinaflint，chargedforwool，leather，andfeathers，hadaneyetoeverything，didnoteasilyletanyonepaywithchaffinsteadofcoin，andforapennylessthanhisaccountwouldhaveaffrontedevenaprince。Fortherest，hewasagoodbanterer，drinkingandlaughingwithhisregularcustomers，hatinhandalwaysbeforethepersonsfurnishedwithplenaryindulgencesentitled/SitnomenDominibenedictum/，runningthemintoexpense，andprovingtothem，ifneedwere，bysoundargument，thatwinesweredear，andthatwhatevertheymightthink，nothingwasgivenawayinTouraine，everythinghadtobebought，and，atthesametime，paidfor。Inshort，ifhecouldwithoutdisgracehavedoneso，hewouldhavereckonedsomuchforthegoodair，andsomuchfortheviewofthecountry。Thushebuiltupatidyfortunewithotherpeople\'smoney，becameasroundasabutt，lardedwithfat，andwascalledMonsieur。Atthetimeofthelastfairthreeyoungfellows，whowereapprenticesinknavery，inwhomtherewasmoreofthematerialthatmakesthievesthansaints，andwhoknewjusthowfaritwaspossibletogowithoutcatchingtheirnecksinthebranchesoftrees，madeuptheirmindstoamusethemselves，andlivewell，condemningcertainhawkersorothersinalltheexpenses。NowtheselimbsofSatangavethesliptotheirmasters，underwhomtheyhadbeenstudyingtheartofparchmentscrawling，andcametostayatthehoteloftheThreeBarbels，wheretheydemandedthebestrooms，turnedtheplaceinsideout，turneduptheirnosesateverything，bespokeallthelampreysinthemarket，andannouncedthemselvesasfirst-classmerchants，whonevercarriedtheirgoodswiththem，andtravelledonlywiththeirpersons。Thehostbustledabout，turnedthespits，andpreparedagloriousrepast，forthesethreedodgers，whohadalreadymadenoiseenoughforahundredcrowns，andwhomostcertainlywouldnotevenhavegivenupthecoppercoinswhichoneofthemwasjinglinginhispocket。Butiftheywerehardupformoneytheydidnotwantforingenuity，andallthreearrangedtoplaytheirpartslikethievesatafair。Theirswasafarceinwhichtherewasplentyofeatinganddrinking，sinceforfivedaystheysoheartilyattackedeverykindofprovisionthatapartyofGermansoldierswouldhavespoiledlessthantheyobtainedbyfraud。Thesethreecunningfellowsmadetheirwaytothefairafterbreakfast，wellprimed，gorged，andbiginthebelly，anddidastheylikedwiththegreenhornsandothers，robbing，filching，playing，andlosing，takingdownthewritingsandsignsandchangingthem，puttingthatofthetoymanoverthejeweller\'s，andthatofthejeweller\'soutsidetheshoemaker\'s，turningtheshopsinsideout，makingthedogsfight，cuttingtheropesoftetheredhorses，throwingcatsamongthecrowd，crying，“Stopthief！”Andsayingtoeveryonetheymet，“AreyounotMonsieurD\'EnterfesseofAngiers？”Thentheyhustledeveryone，makingholesinthesacksofflour，lookingfortheirhandkerchiefsinladies\'pockets，raisingtheirskirts，crying，lookingforalostjewelandsayingtothem——
“Ladies，ithasfallenintoahole！”
Theydirectedthelittlechildrenwrongly，slappedthestomachsofthosewhoweregapingintheair，andprowledabout，fleecingandannoyingeveryone。Inshort，thedevilwouldhavebeenagentlemanincomparisonwiththeseblackguardstudents，whowouldhavebeenhangedratherthandoanhonestaction；aswellhaveexpectedcharityfromtwoangrylitigants。Theyleftthefair，notfatigued，buttiredofill-doing，andspenttheremainderoftheirtimeoverdinneruntiltheeveningwhentheyrecommencedtheirpranksbytorchlight。Afterthepeddlers，theycommencedoperationsontheladiesofthetown，towhom，byathousanddodges，theygaveonlythatwhichtheyreceived，accordingtotheaxiomofJustinian：/Cuiqumjustribuere/。“Toeveryonehisownjuice；“andafterwardsjokinglysaidtothepoorwenches——
“Weareintherightandyouareinthewrong。“
Atlast，atsupper-time，havingnothingelsetodo，theybegantoknockeachotherabout，andtokeepthegamealive，complainedofthefliestothelandlord，remonstratingwithhimthatelsewheretheinnkeepershadthemcaughtinorderthatgentlemanofpositionmightnotbeannoyedbythem。However，towardsthefifthday，whichisthecriticaldayoffevers，thehostnothavingseen，althoughhekepthiseyeswideopen，theroyalsurfaceofacrown，andknowingthatifallthatglitteredweregolditwouldbecheaper，begantoknithisbrowsandgomoreslowlyaboutthatwhichhishigh-classmerchantsrequiredofhim。Fearingthathehadmadeabadbargainwiththem，hetriedtosoundthedepthoftheirpockets；perceivingwhichthethreeclerksorderedhimwiththeassuranceofaProvosthanginghisman，toservethemquicklywithagoodsupperastheyhadtodepartimmediately。
Theirmerrycountenancesdismissedthehost\'ssuspicions。Thinkingthatrogueswithoutmoneywouldcertainlylookgrave，hepreparedasupperworthyofacanon，wishingeventoseethemdrunk，inorderthemoreeasilytoclaptheminjailintheeventofanaccident。Notknowinghowtomaketheirescapefromtheroom，inwhichtheywereaboutasmuchattheireaseasarefishuponstraw，thethreecompanionsateanddrankimmoderately，lookingatthesituationofthewindows，waitingthemomenttodecamp，butnotgettingtheopportunity。Cursingtheirluck，oneofthemwishedtogoandundohiswaistcoat，onaccountofacolic，theothertofetchadoctortothethird，whodidhisbesttofaint。Thecursedlandlordkeptdodgingaboutfromthekitchenintotheroom，andfromtheroomintothekitchen，watchingthenamelessones，andgoingastepforwardtosavehiscrowns，andgoingastepbacktosavehiscrown，incasetheyshouldberealgentlemen；andheactedlikeabraveandprudenthostwholikeshalfpenceandobjectstokicks；butunderpretenceofproperlyattendingtothem，healwayshadanearintheroom，andafootinthecourt；fanciedhewasalwaysbeingcalledbythem，cameeverytimetheylaughed，showingthemafacewithanunsettledlookuponit，andalwayssaid，“Gentlemen，whatisyourpleasure？”Thiswasaninterrogatoryinreplytowhichtheywouldwillinglyhavegivenhimteninchesofhisownspitinhisstomach，becauseheappearedasifheknewverywellwhatwouldpleasethematthisjuncture，seeingthattohavetwentycrowns，fullweight，theywouldeachofthemhavesoldathirdofhiseternity。Youcanimaginetheysatontheirseatsasiftheyweregridirons，thattheirfeetitchedandtheirposteriorswereratherwarm。Alreadythehosthadputthepears，thecheese，andthepreservesneartheirnoses，butthey，sippingtheirliquor，andpickingatthedishes，lookedateachothertoseeifeitherofthemhadfoundagoodpieceofrogueryinhissack，andtheyallbegantoenjoythemselvesratherwoefully。Themostcunningofthethreeclerks，whowasaBurgundian，smiledandsaid，seeingthehourofpaymentarrived，“Thismuststandoverforaweek，“asiftheyhadbeenatthePalaisdeJustice。Thetwoothers，inspiteofthedanger，begantolaugh。
“Whatdoweowe？”askedhewhohadinhisbelttheheretoforementionedtwelvesolsandheturnedthemaboutasthoughhewouldmakethembreedlittleonesbythisexcitedmovement。HewasanativeofPicardy，andverypassionate；amantotakeoffenceatanythinginorderthathemightthrowthelandlordoutthewindowinallsecurityofconscience。Nowhesaidthesewordswiththeairofamanofimmensewealth。
“Sixcrowns，gentlemen，“repliedthehost，holdingouthishand。
“Icannotpermitmyselftobeentertainedbyyoualone，Viscount，“
saidthethirdstudent，whowasfromAnjou，andasartfulasawomaninlove。
“NeithercanI，“saidtheBurgundian。
“Gentlemen！Gentlemen！”repliedthePicardian“youarejesting。Iamyourstocommand。“
“Sambreguoy！”criedheofAnjou。“Youwillnotletuspaythreetimes；
ourhostwouldnotsufferit。“
“Wellthen，“saidtheBurgundian，“whicheverofusshalltelltheworsttaleshalljustifythelandlord。“
“Whowillbethejudge？”askedthePicardian，droppinghistwelvesolstothebottomofhispocket。
“Pardieu！ourhost。Heshouldbecapable，seeingthatheisamanoftaste，“saidheofAnjou。“Comealong，greatchef，sityoudown，drink，andlendusbothyourears。Theaudienceisopen。“
Thereuponthehostsatdown，butnotuntilhehadpouredoutagobletfulofwine。
“Myturnfirst，“saidtheAnjouman。“Icommence。“
“InourDuchyofAnjou，thecountrypeopleareveryfaithfulservantstoourHolyofCatholicreligion，andnoneofthemwilllosehisportionofparadiseforlackofdoingpenanceorkillingaheretic。Ifaprofessorofheresypassedthatway，hequicklyfoundhimselfunderthegrass，withoutknowingwhencehisdeathhadproceeded。AgoodmanofLarze，returningonenightfromhiseveningprayertothewineflasksofPomme-de-Pin，wherehehadlefthisunderstandingandmemory，fellintoaditchfullofwaternearhishouse，andfoundhewasuptohisneck。Oneoftheneighboursfindinghimshortlyafterwardsnearlyfrozen，foritwaswintertime，saidjokinglytohim——
“\'Hulloa！Whatareyouwaitingforthere？\'
“\'Athaw\'，saidthetipsyfellow，findinghimselfheldbytheice。
“ThenGodenot，likeagoodChristian，releasedhimfromhisdilemma，andopenedthedoorofthehousetohim，outofrespecttothewine，whichislordofthiscountry。Thegoodmanthenwentandgotintothebedofthemaid-servant，whowasayoungandprettywench。Theoldbungler，bemuddledwithwine，wentploughinginthewrongland，fancyingallthetimeitwashiswifebyhisside，andthankingherfortheyouthandfreshnessshestillretained。Onhearingherhusband，thewifebegantocryout，andbyherterribleshrieksthemanwasawakenedtothefactthathewasnotintheroadtosalvation，whichmadethepoorlabourersorrowfulbeyondexpression。
“\'Ah！saidhe；\'GodhaspunishedmefornotgoingtovespersatChurch。\'
“Andhebegantoexcusehimselfasbesthecould，saying，thatthewinehadmuddledhisunderstanding，andgettingintohisownbedhekeptrepeatingtohisgoodwife，thatforhisbestcowhewouldnothavehadthissinuponhisconscience。
“\'Mydear\'，saidshe，\'goandconfessthefirstthingtomorrowmorning，andletussaynomoreaboutit。\'
“Thegoodmantrottedtoconfessional，andrelatedhiscasewithallhumilitytotherectoroftheparish，whowasagoodoldpriest，capableofbeingupabove，theslipperoftheholyfoot。
“\'Anerrorisnotasin，\'saidhetothepenitent。\'Youwillfasttomorrow，andbeabsolved。\'
“\'Fast！——withpleasure，\'saidthegoodman。\'Thatdoesnotmeangowithoutdrink。\'
“\'Oh！\'repliedtherector，\'youmustdrinkwater，andeatnothingbutaquarterofaloafandanapple。\'
“Thenthegoodman，whohadnoconfidenceinhismemory，wenthome，repeatingtohimselfthepenanceordered。Buthavingloyallycommencedwithaquarterofaloafandanapple，hearrivedathome，saying，aquarterofapples，andaloaf。
“Then，topurifyhissoul，hesetaboutaccomplishinghisfast，andhisgoodwomanhavinggivenhimaloaffromthesafe，andunhookedastringofapplesfromthebeam，hesetsorrowfullytowork。Asheheavedasighontakingthelastmouthfulofbreadhardlyknowingwheretoputit，forhewasfulltothechin，hiswiferemonstratedwithhim，thatGoddidnotdesirethedeathofasinner，andthatforlackofputtingacrustofbreadinhisbelly，hewouldnotbereproachedforhavingputthingsintheirwrongplaces。
“\'Holdyourtongue，wife！\'saidhe。\'Ifitchokesme，Imustfast。\'“
“I\'vepayedmyshare，it\'syourturn，Viscount，“addedheofAnjou，givingthePicardianaknowingwink。
“Thegobletsareempty。Hi，there！Morewine。“
“Letusdrink，“criedthePicardian。“Moiststoriesslipouteasier。“
Atthesametimehetossedoffaglassfulwithoutleavingadropatthebottom，andafterapreliminarylittlecough，herelatedthefollowing：——
“YoumustknowthatthemaidsofPicardy，beforesettinguphousekeeping，areaccustomedhonestlytogaintheirlinen，vessels，andchests；inshort，alltheneededhouseholdutensils。Toaccomplishthis，theygointoserviceinPeronne，Abbeville，Amiens，andothertowns，wheretheyaretire-women，washupglasses，cleanplates，foldlinen，andcarryupthedinner，oranythingthatthereistobecarried。Theyareallmarriedassoonastheypossesssomethingelsebesidesthatwhichtheynaturallybringtotheirhusbands。Thesewomenarethebesthousewives，becausetheyunderstandthebusinessandeverythingelsethoroughly。OnebelongingtoAzonville，whichisthelandofwhichIamlordbyinheritance，havingheardspeakofParis，wherethepeopledidnotputthemselvesoutofthewayforanyone，andwhereonecouldsubsistforawholedaybypassingthecook\'sshops，andsmellingthesteam，sofatteningwasit，tookitintoherheadtogothere。Shetrudgedbravelyalongtheroad，andarrivedwithapocketfullofemptiness。Thereshefellin，atthePorteSt。Denise，withacompanyofsoldiers，placedthereforatimeasavidette，fortheProtestantshadassumedadangerousattitude。Thesergeantseeingthishoodedlinnetcoming，stuckhisheadpieceononeside，straightenedhisfeather，twistedhismoustache，clearedhisthroat，rolledhiseyes，puthishandonhiships，andstoppedthePicardiantoseeifherearswereproperlypierced，sinceitwasforbiddentogirlstoenterotherwiseintoParis。Thenheaskedher，bywayofajoke，butwithaseriousface，whatbroughtherthere，hepretendingtobelieveshehadcometotakethekeysofParisbyassault。Towhichthepoorinnocentreplied，thatshewasinsearchofagoodsituation，andhadnoevilintentions，onlydesiringtogainsomething。
“\'Verywell；Iwillemployyou，\'saidthewag。\'IamfromPicardy，andwillgetyoutakeninhere，whereyouwillbetreatedasaqueenwouldoftenliketobe，andyouwillbeabletomakeagoodthingofit。\'
“Thenheledhertotheguard-house，wherehetoldhertosweepthefloor，polishthesaucepans，stirthefire，andkeepawatchoneverything，addingthatsheshouldhavethirtysolsaheadfromthemeniftheirservicepleasedher。Nowseeingthatthesquadwasthereforamonth，shewouldbeabletogaintencrowns，andattheirdeparturewouldfindfresharrivalswhowouldmakegoodarrangementswithher，andbythismeansshewouldbeabletotakebackmoneyandpresentstoherpeople。Thegirlcleanedtheroomandpreparedthemealssowell，singingandhumming，thatthisdaythesoldiersfoundintheirdenthelookofamonk\'srefectory。Thenallbeingwellcontent，eachofthemgaveasoltotheirhandmaiden。Wellsatisfied，theyputherintothebedoftheircommandant，whowasintownwithhislady，andtheypettedandcaressedherafterthemannerofphilosophicalsoldiers，thatis，soldierspartialtothatwhichisgood。Shewassooncomfortablyensconcedbetweenthesheets。Buttoavoidquarrelsandstrife，mynoblewarriorsdrewlotsfortheirturn，arrangedthemselvesinsinglefile，playingwellatPiquehardie，sayingnotaword，buteachonetakingatleasttwenty-sixsolsworthofthegirl\'ssociety。Althoughnotaccustomedtoworkforsomany，thepoorgirldidherbest，andbythismeansneverclosedhereyesthewholenight。Inthemorning，seeingthesoldierswerefastasleep，sherosehappyatbearingnomarksofthesharpskirmish，andalthoughslightlyfatigued，managedtogetacrossthefieldsintotheopencountrywithherthirtysols。OntheroutetoPicardy，shemetoneofherfriends，who，likeherself，wishedtotryserviceinParis，andwashurryingthither，andseeingher，askedherwhatsortofplacestheywere。
“\'Ah！Perrine；donotgo。Youwanttobemadeofiron，andevenifyouwereitwouldsoonbewornaway，\'wastheanswer。
“Now，big-bellyofBurgundy，“saidhe，givinghisneighbouraheartyslap，“spitoutyourstoryorpay！”
“BythequeenofAntlers！”repliedtheBurgundian，“bymyfaith，bythesaints，byGod！andbythedevil，IknowonlystoriesoftheCourtofBurgundy，whichareonlycurrentcoininourownland。“
“Eh，ventreDieu！arewenotinthelandofBeauffremont？”criedtheother，pointingtotheemptygoblets。
“Iwilltellyou，then，anadventurewellknownatDijon，whichhappenedatthetimeIwasincommandthere，andwasworthbeingwrittendown。TherewasasergeantofjusticenamedFranc-Taupin，whowasanoldlumpofmischief，alwaysgrumbling，alwaysfighting；stiffandstarchy，andnevercomfortingthosehewasleadingtothehulks，withlittlejokesbytheway；andinshort，hewasjustthemantofindliceinbaldheads，andbadbehaviourintheAlmighty。ThissaidTaupin，spurnedbyeveryone，tookuntohimselfawife，andbychancehewasblessedwithoneasmildasthepeelofanonion，who，noticingthepeculiarhumourofherhusband，tookmorepainstobringjoytohishousethanwouldanothertobestowhornsuponhim。Butalthoughshewascarefultoobeyhiminallthings，andtoliveatpeacewouldhavetriedtoexcretegoldforhim，hadGodpermittedit，thismanwasalwayssurlyandcrabbed，andnomoresparedhiswifeblows，thandoesadebtorpromisestothebailiff\'sman。Thisunpleasanttreatmentcontinuinginspiteofthecarefulnessandangelicbehaviourofthepoorwoman，shebeingunabletoaccustomherselftoit，wascompelledtoinformherrelations，whothereuponcametothehouse。Whentheyarrived，thehusbanddeclaredtothemthathiswifewasanidiot，thatshedispleasedhimineverypossibleway，andmadehislifealmostunbearable；thatshewouldwakehimoutofhisfirstsleep，nevercametothedoorwhenheknocked，butwouldleavehimoutintherainandthecold，andthatthehousewasalwaysuntidy。Hisgarmentswerebuttonless，hislaceswantedtags。Thelinenwasspoiling，thewineturningsour，thewooddamp，andthebedwasalwayscreakingatunreasonablemoments。Inshort，everythingwasgoingwrong。Tothistissueoffalsehoods，thewiferepliedbypointingtotheclothesandthings，allinastateofthoroughrepair。Thenthesergeantsaidthathewasverybadlytreated，thathisdinnerwasneverreadyforhim，orifitwas，thebrothwasthinorthesoupcold，eitherthewineortheglasseswereforgotten，themeatwaswithoutgravyorparsley，themustardhadturned，heeitherfoundhairsinthedishortheclothwasdirtyandtookawayhisappetite，indeednothingdidsheevergetforhimthatwastohisliking。Thewife，astonished，contentedherselfwithstoutlydenyingthefaultimputedtoher。\'Ah，\'saidhe，\'youdirtyhussy！Youdenyit，doyou！Verywellthen，myfriends，youcomeanddinehereto-day，youshallbewitnessesofhermisconduct。Andifshecanforonceservemeproperly，IwillconfessmyselfwronginallIhavestated，andwillneverliftmyhandagainstheragain，butwillresigntohermyhalberdandmybreeches，andgiveherfullauthorityhere。\'
“\'Oh，well，\'saidshe，joyfully，\'Ishallthenhenceforthbebothwifeandmistress！\'
“Thenthehusband，confidentofthenatureandimperfectionsofhiswife，desiredthatthedinnershouldbeservedunderthevinearbor，thinkingthathewouldbeabletoshoutatherifshedidnothurryquicklyenoughfromthetabletothepantry。Thegoodhousewifesettoworkwithawill。Theplateswerecleanenoughtoseeone\'sfacein，themustardwasfreshandwellmade，thedinnerbeautifullycooked，asappetisingasstolenfruit；theglasseswereclear，thewinewascool，andeverythingsonice，socleanandwhite，thattherepastwouldhavedonehonourtoabishop\'schatterbox。Justasshewasstandingbeforethetable，castingthatlastglancewhichallgoodhousewivesliketogiveeverything，herhusbandknockedatthedoor。Atthatverymomentacursedhen，whohadtakenitintoherheadtogetontopofthearbortogorgeherselfwithgrapes，letfallalargelumpofdirtrightinthemiddleofthecloth。Thepoorwomanwashalfdeadwithfright；sogreatwasherdespair，shecouldthinkofnootherwayofremedyingthethoughtlessnessofthefowlthenbycoveringtheunseemlypatchwithaplateinwhichsheputthefinefruitstakenatrandomfromherpocket，losingsightaltogetherofthesymmetryofthetable。Then，inorderthatnooneshouldnoticeit，sheinstantlyfetchedthesoup，seatedeveryoneinhisplace，andbeggedthemtoenjoythemselves。
“Now，allofthemseeingeverythingsowellarranged，utteredexclamationsofpleasure，exceptthediabolicalhusband，whoremainedmoodyandsullen，knittinghisbrowsandlookingforastrawonwhichtohangaquarrelwithhiswife。Thinkingitsafetogivehimoneforhimself，herrelationsbeingpresent，shesaidtohim，\'Here\'syourdinner，niceandhot，wellserved，theclothisclean，thesalt-
cellarsfull，theplatesclean，thewinefresh，thebreadwellbaked。
Whatistherelacking？Whatdoyourequire？Whatdoyoudesire？Whatelsedoyouwant？\'
“\'Oh，filth！\'saidhe，inagreatrage。
“Thegoodwomaninstantlyliftedtheplate，andreplied——
“\'Thereyouare，mydear！\'
“Seeingwhich，thehusbandwasdumbfounded，thinkingthatthedevilwasinleaguewithhiswife。Hewasimmediatelygravelyreproachedbytherelations，whodeclaredhimtobeinthewrong，abusedhim，andmademorejokesathisexpensethanarecorderwriteswordsinamonth。Fromthattimeforwardthesergeantlivedcomfortablyandpeaceablywithhiswife，whoattheleastappearanceoftemperonhispart，wouldsaytohim——
“\'Doyouwantsomefilth？\'“
“Whohastoldtheworstnow？”criedtheAnjouman，givingthehostatapontheshoulder。
“Hehas！Hehas！”saidthetwoothers。Thentheybegantodisputeamongthemselves，liketheholyfathersincouncil；seeking，bycreatingaconfusion，throwingtheglassesateachother，andjumpingabout，aluckychance，tomakearunofit。
“I\'llsettlethequestion，“criedthehost，seeingthatwhereastheyhadallthreebeenreadywiththeirownaccounts，notoneofthemwasthinkingofhis。
Theystoppedterrified。
“Iwilltellyouabetteronethanall，thenyouwillhavetogivetensolsahead。“
“Silenceforthelandlord，“saidtheonefromAnjou。
“InourfauborgofNotre-damelaRiche，inwhichthisinnissituated，therelivedabeautifulgirl，whobesideshernaturaladvantages，hadagoodroundsuminherkeeping。Therefore，assoonasshewasoldenough，andstrongenoughtobearthematrimonialyoke，shehadasmanyloversastherearesolsinSt。Gatien\'smoney-boxonthePaschal-day。Thegirlchoseonewho，savingyourpresence，wasasgoodaworker，nightandday，asanytwomonkstogether。Theyweresoonbetrothed，andthemarriagewasarranged；butthejoyofthefirstnightdidnotdrawnearerwithoutoccasioningsomeslightapprehensionstothelady，asshewasliable，throughaninfirmity，toexpelvapours，whichcameoutlikebombshells。Now，fearingthatwhenthinkingofsomethingelse，duringthefirstnight，shemightgivethereinstohereccentricities，shestatedthecasetohermother，whoseassistancesheinvoked。Thatgoodladyinformedherthatthisfacultyofengineeringwindwasinherentinthefamily；thatinhertimeshehadbeengreatlyembarrassedbyit，butonlyintheearlierperiodofherlife。Godhadbeenkindtoher，andsincetheageofseven，shehadevaporatednothingexceptonthelastoccasionwhenshehadbestoweduponherdeadhusbandafarewellblow。\'But，\'saidshetoherdaughter，\'Ihaveeverasurespecific，lefttomebymymother，whichbringsthesesurplusexplosionstonothing，andexhalesthemnoiselessly。Bythismeansthesesighsbecomeodourless，andscandalisavoided。\'
“Thegirl，muchpleased，learnedhowtosailclosetothewind，thankedhermother，anddancedawaymerrily，storingupherflatulencelikeanorgan-blowerwaitingforthefirstnoteofmass。Enteringthenuptialchamber，shedeterminedtoexpelitwhengettingintobed，butthefantasticelementwasbeyondcontrol。Thehusbandcame；Ileaveyoutoimaginehowlove\'sconflictsped。Inthemiddleofthenight，thebridearoseunderafalsepretext，andquicklyreturnedagain；butwhenclimbingintoherplace，thepentupforcewentoffwithsuchalouddischarge，thatyouwouldhavethoughtwithmethatthecurtainsweresplit。
“\'Ha！I\'vemissedmyaim！\'saidshe。
“\'\'Sdeath，mydear！\'Ireplied，\'thenspareyourpowder。Youwouldearnagoodlivinginthearmywiththatartillery。\'
“Itwasmywife。“
“Ha！ha！ha！”wenttheclerks。
Andtheyroaredwithlaughter，holdingtheirsidesandcomplimentingtheirhost。
“Didyoueverhearabetterstory，Viscount？”
“Ah，whatastory！”
“Thatisastory！”
“Amasterstory！”
“Thekingofstories！”
“Ha，ha！Itbeatsalltheotherstorieshollow。AfterthatIsaytherearenostorieslikethestoriesofourhost。“
“BythefaithofaChristian，Ineverheardabetterstoryinmylife。“
“Why，Icanhearthereport。“
“Ishouldliketokisstheorchestra。“
“Ah！gentlemen，“saidtheBurgundian，gravely，“wecannotleavewithoutseeingthehostess，andifwedonotasktokissthisfamouswind-instrument，itisaoutofrespectforsogoodastory-teller。“
Thereupontheyallexaltedthehost，hisstory，andhiswife\'strumpetsowellthattheoldfellow，believingintheseknaves\'laughterandpompouseulogies，calledtohiswife。Butasshedidnotcome，theclerkssaid，notwithoutfrustrativeintention，“Letusgotoher。“
Thereupontheyallwentoutoftheroom。Thehosttookthecandleandwentupstairsfirst，tolightthemandshowthemtheway；butseeingthestreetdoorajar，therascalstooktotheirheels，andwereofflikeshadows，leavingthehosttotakeinsettlementofhisaccountanotherofhiswife\'sofferings。
THECONTINENCEOFKINGFRANCISTHEFIRST
EveryoneknowsthroughwhatadventureKingFrancis，thefirstofthatname，wastakenlikeasillybirdandledintothetownofMadrid，inSpain。TheretheEmperorCharlesV。kepthimcarefullylockedup，likeanarticleofgreatvalue，inoneofhiscastles，inthewhichourdefunctsire，ofimmortalmemory，soonbecamelistlessandweary，seeingthathelovedtheopenair，andhislittlecomforts，andnomoreunderstoodbeingshutupinacagethanacatwouldfoldinguplace。Hefellintomoodsofsuchstrangemelancholythathislettershavingbeenreadinfullcouncil，Madamed\'Angouleme，hismother；
MadameCatherine，theDauphine，MonsieurdeMontmorency，andthosewhowereattheheadofaffairsinFranceknowingthegreatlecheryoftheking，determinedaftermaturedeliberation，tosendQueenMargueritetohim，fromwhomhewoulddoubtlessreceivealleviationofhissufferings，thatgoodladybeingmuchlovedbyhim，andmerry，andlearnedinallnecessarywisdom。Butshe，allegingthatitwouldbedangerousforhersoul，becauseitwasimpossibleforher，withoutgreatdangertobealonewiththekinginhiscell，asharpsecretary，theSieurdeFizes，wassenttotheCourtofRome，withorderstobegofthepontiffapapalbriefofspecialindulgences，containingproperabsolutionsforthepettysinswhich，lookingattheirconsanguinity，thesaidqueenmightcommitwithaviewtocuretheking\'smelancholy。
Atthistime，AdrianVI。，theDutchman，stillworethetiara，who，agoodfellow，fortherestdidnotforget，inspiteofthescholastictieswhichunitedhimtotheemperor，thattheeldestsonoftheCatholicChurchwasconcernedintheaffair，andwasgoodenoughtosendtoSpainanexpresslegate，furnishedwithfullpowers，toattemptthesalvationofthequeen\'ssoul，andtheking\'sbody，withoutprejudicetoGod。Thismosturgentaffairmadethegentlemanveryuneasy，andcausedanitchinginthefeetoftheladies，who，fromgreatdevotiontothecrown，wouldallhaveofferedtogotoMadrid，butforthedarkmistrustofCharlestheFifth，whowouldnotgranttheking\'spermissiontoanyofhissubjects，noreventhemembersofhisfamily。ItwasthereforenecessarytonegotiatethedepartureoftheQueenofNavarre。Then，nothingelsewasspokenaboutbutthisdeplorableabstinence，andthelackofamorousexercisesovexatioustoaprince，whowasmuchaccustomedtoit。Inshort，fromonethingtoanother，thewomenfinishedbythinkingmoreoftheking\'scondition，thanofthekinghimself。Thequeenwasthefirsttosaythatshewishedshehadwings。TothisMonseigneurOdetdeChatillonreplied，thatshehadnoneedofthemtobeanangel。OnethatwasMadamel\'Amirale，blamedGodthatitwasnotpossibletosendbyamessengerthatwhichthepoorkingsomuchrequired；andeveryoneoftheladieswouldhavelentitinherturn。
“Godhasdoneverywelltofixit，“saidtheDauphine，quietly；“forourhusbandswouldleaveusratherbadlyoffduringtheirabsence。“
Somuchwassaidandsomuchthoughtuponthesubject，thatatherdeparturetheQueenofallMargueriteswascharged，bythesegoodChristians，tokissthecaptiveheartilyforalltheladiesoftherealm；andifithadbeenpermissibletopreparepleasurelikemustard，thequeenwouldhavebeenladenwithenoughtoselltothetwoCastiles。
WhileMadameMargueritewas，inspiteofthesnow，crossingthemountains，byrelaysofmule，hurryingontotheseconsolationsastoafire，thekingfoundhimselfharderpressedbyunsatisfieddesirethanhehadeverbeenbefore，orwouldbeagain。Inthisreverberationofnature，heopenedhishearttotheEmperorCharles，inorderthathemightbeprovidedwithamercifulspecific，urginguponhimthatitwouldbeaneverlastingdisgracetoonekingtoletanotherdieforlackofgallantry。TheCastilianshowedhimselftobeagenerousman。
Thinkingthathewouldbeabletorecuperatehimselfforthefavourgrantedoutofhisguest\'sransom，hehintedquietlytothepeoplecommissionedtoguardtheprisoner，thattheymightgratifyhiminthisrespect。ThereuponacertainDonHiiosdeLarayLopezBarradiPinto，apoorcaptain，whosepocketswereemptyinspiteofhisgenealogy，andwhohadbeenforsometimethinkingofseekinghisfortuneattheCourtofFrance，fanciedthatbyprocuringhismajestyasoftcataplasmofwarmflesh，hewouldopenforhimselfanhonestlyfertiledoor；andindeed，thosewhoknowthecharacterofthegoodkingandhiscourt，candecideifhedeceivedhimself。
WhentheabovementionedcaptaincameinhisturnintothechamberoftheFrenchking，heaskedhimrespectfullyifitwashisgoodpleasuretopermithimaninterrogationonasubjectconcerningwhichhewasascuriousasaboutpapalindulgences？TowhichthePrince，castingasidehishypochondriacaldemeanour，andtwistingroundonthechairinwhichhewasseated，gaveasignofconsent。Thecaptainbeggedhimnottobeoffendedatthelicenceofhislanguage，andconfessedtohim，thathethekingwassaidtobeoneofthemostamorousmeninFrance，andhewouldbegladtolearnfromhimiftheladiesofthecourtwereexpertintheadventuresoflove。Thepoorking，callingtomindhismanyadventures，gaveventtoadeep-drawnsigh，andexclaimed，thatnowomanofanycountry，includingthoseofthemoon，knewbetterthantheladiesofFrancethesecretsofthisalchemyandattheremembranceofthesavoury，gracious，andvigorousfondlingofonealone，hefelthimselftheman，wereshethenwithinhisreach，toclasphertohisheart，evenonarottenplankahundredfeetaboveaprecipice。
Saywhich，thisgoodking，aribaldfellow，ifevertherewasone，shotforthsofiercelylifeandlightfromhiseyes，thatthecaptain，thoughabraveman，feltaquakinginhisinsidesofiercelyflamedthesacredmajestyofroyallove。ButrecoveringhiscouragehebegantodefendtheSpanishladies，declaringthatinCastilealonewasloveproperlyunderstood，becauseitwasthemostreligiousplaceinChristendom，andthemorefearthewomenhadofdamningthemselvesbyyieldingtoalover，themoretheirsoulswereintheaffair，becausetheyknewtheymusttaketheirpleasurethenagainsteternity。Hefurtheradded，thatiftheLordKingwouldwageroneofthebestandmostprofitablemanorsinthekingdomofFrance，hewouldgivehimaSpanishnightoflove，inwhichacasualqueenshould，unlesshetookcare，drawhissoulfromhisbody。
“Done，“saidtheking，jumpingfromhischair。“I\'llgivethee，byGod，themanorofVille-aux-DamesinmyprovinceofTouraine，withfullprivilegeofchase，ofhighandlowjurisdiction。“
Then，thecaptain，whowasacquaintedwiththeDonnaoftheCardinalArchbishopofToledorequestedhertosmothertheKingofFrancewithkindness，anddemonstratetohimthegreatadvantageoftheCastilianimaginationoverthesimplemovementoftheFrench。TowhichtheMarchesaofAmaesguyconsentedforthehonourofSpain，andalsoforthepleasureofknowingofwhatpasteGodmadeKings，amatterinwhichshewasignorant，havingexperienceonlyoftheprincesoftheChurch。Thenshebecamepassionateasalionthathasbrokenoutofhiscage，andmadethebonesofthekingcrackinamannerthatwouldhavekilledanyotherman。Buttheabove-namedlordwassowellfurnished，sogreedy，andsowillbitten，henolongerfeltabite；
andfromthisterribledueltheMarchesaemergedabashed，believingshehadthedeviltoconfess。
Thecaptain，confidentinhisagent，cametosalutehislord，thinkingtodohonourforhisfief。Thereuponthekingsaidtohim，inajocularmanner，thattheSpanishladieswereofapassabletemperature，andtheirsystemafairone，butthatwhengentlenesswasrequiredtheysubstitutedfrenzy；thathekeptfancyingeachthrillwasasneeze，oracaseofviolence；inshort，thattheembraceofaFrenchwomanbroughtbackthedrinkermorethirstythanever，tiringhimnever；andthatwiththeladiesofhiscourt，lovewasagentlepleasurewithoutparallel，andnotthelabourofamasterbakerinhiskneadingtrough。
Thepoorcaptainwasstronglypiquedathislanguage。Inspiteofthenicesenseofhonourwhichthekingpretendedtopossess，hefanciedthathismajestywishedtobilkhimlikeastudent，stealingasliceofloveatabrothelinParis。Nevertheless，notknowingforthematterofthat，iftheMarchesahadnotover-spanishedtheking，hedemandedhisrevengefromthecaptive，pledginghimhisword，thatheshouldhaveforcertainaveritablefay，andthathewouldyetgainthefief。Thekingwastoocourteousandgallantaknighttorefusethisrequest，andevenmadeaprettyandrightroyalspeech，intimatinghisdesiretolosethewager。Then，aftervespers，theguardpassedfreshandwarmintotheking\'schamber，aladymostdazzlinglywhite——mostdelicatelywanton，withlongtressesandvelvethands，fillingoutherdressattheleastmovement，forshewasgracefullyplump，withalaughingmouth，andeyesmoistinadvance，awomantobeautifyhell，andwhosefirstwordhadsuchcordialpowerthattheking\'sgarmentwascrackedbyit。Onthemorrow，afterthefaironehadslippedoutaftertheking\'sbreakfast，thegoodcaptaincameradiantandtriumphantintothechamber。
Atsightofhimtheprisonerthenexclaimed——
“BarondelaVille-aux-Dames！Godgrantyoujoysliketomine！Ilikemyjail！By\'rlady，Iwillnotjudgebetweentheloveofourlands，butpaythewager。“
“Iwassureofit，“saidthecaptain。
“Howso？”saidtheKing。
“Sire，itwasmywife。“
ThiswastheoriginofLarraydelaVille-aux-Damesinourcountry，sincefromcorruptionofthenames，thatofLara-y-Lopez，finishedbybecomingLarray。Itwasagoodfamily，delightinginservingthekingsofFrance，anditmultipliedexceedingly。Soonafter，theQueenofNavarrecameinduecoursetotheking，who，wearyofSpanishcustoms，wishedtodisporthimselfafterthefashionofFrance；butremainderisnotthesubjectofthisnarrative。Ireservetomyselftherighttorelateelsewherehowthelegatemanagedtospongethesinofthethingoffthegreatslate，andthedelicateremarkofourQueenofMarguerites，whomeritsasaint\'snicheinthiscollection；shewhofirstconcoctedsuchgoodstories。Themoralityofthisoneiseasytounderstand。
Inthethefirstplace，kingsshouldneverletthemselvesbetakeninbattleanymorethantheirarchetypeinthegameoftheGrecianchiefPalamedes。Butfromthis，itappearsthecaptivityofitskingisamostcalamitousandhorribleeviltofallonthepopulace。Ifithadbeenaqueen，orevenaprincess，whatworsefate？ButIbelievethethingcouldnothappenagain，exceptwithcannibals。Canthereeverbeareasonforimprisoningtheflowerofarealm？IthinktoowellofAshtaroth，Lucifer，andothers，toimaginethatdidtheyreign，theywouldhidethejoyofallthebeneficentlight，atwhichpoorsuffererswarmthemselves。Anditwasnecessarythattheworstofdevils，/idest/，awickedoldhereticwoman，shouldfindherselfuponathrone，tokeepaprisonersweetMaryofScotland，totheshameofalltheknightsofChristendom，whoshouldhavecomewithoutpreviousassignationtothefootofFotheringay，andhaveleftthereofnosinglestone。
THEMERRYTATTLEOFTHENUNSOFPOISSY
TheAbbeyofPoissyhasbeenrenderedfamousbyoldauthorsasaplaceofpleasure，wherethemisconductofthenunsfirstbegan，andwhenceproceededsomanygoodstoriescalculatedtomakelaymenlaughattheexpenseofourholyreligion。Thesaidabbeybythismeansbecamefertileinproverbs，whichnoneofthecleverfolksofourdayunderstand，althoughtheysiftandchewtheminordertodigestthem。
Ifyouaskoneofthemwhatthe/olivesofPoissy/are，theywillansweryougravelythatitisaperiphraserelatingtotruffles，andthatthe/waytoservethem/，ofwhichoneformerlyspoke，whenjokingwiththesevirtuousmaidens，meantapeculiarkindofsauce。That\'sthewaythescribblershitontruthonceinahundredtimes。Toreturntothesegoodrecluses，itwassaid——bywayofajoke，ofcourse——thattheypreferredfindingaharlotintheirchemisestoagoodwoman。
Certainotherjokersreproachedthemwithimitatingthelivesofthesaints，intheirownfashion，andsaidthatalltheyadmiredinMaryofEgyptwasherfashionofpayingtheboatmen。Fromwhencetheraillery：TohonourthesaintsafterthefashionofPoissy。ThereisstillthecrucifixofPoissy，whichkeptthestomachswarm；andthematinsofPoissy，whichconcludedwithalittlechorister。Finally，ofaheartyjadewellacquaintedwiththewaysoflove，itwassaid——SheisanunofPoissy。Thatpropertyofamanwhichhecanonlylend，wasThekeyoftheAbbeyofPoissy。Whatthegateofthesaidabbeywascaneasilybeguessed。Thisgate，door，wicket，opening，orroadwasalwayshalfopen，waseasiertoopenthantoshut，andcostmuchinrepairs。Inshort，atthatperiod，therewasnofreshdeviceinloveinvented，thathadnotitsorigininthegoodconventofPoissy。Youmaybesurethereisagooddealofuntruthandhyperbolicalemphasis，intheseproverbs，jests，jokes，andidletales。ThenunsofthesaidPoissyweregoodyoungladies，whonowthisway，nowthat，cheatedGodtotheprofitofthedevil，asmanyothersdid，whichwasbutnatural，becauseournatureisweak；andalthoughtheywerenuns，theyhadtheirlittleimperfections。Theyfoundthemselvesbarreninacertainparticular，hencetheevil。Butthetruthofthematteris，allthesewickednesseswerethedeedsofanabbesswhohadfourteenchildren，allbornalive，sincetheyhadbeenperfectedatleisure。Thefantasticamoursandthewildconductofthiswoman，whowasofroyalblood，causedtheconventofPoissytobecomefashionable；andthereafternopleasantadventurehappenedintheabbeysofFrancewhichwasnotcreditedtothesepoorgirls，whowouldhavebeenwellsatisfiedwithatenthofthem。Thentheabbeywasreformed，andtheseholysistersweredeprivedofthelittlehappinessandlibertywhichtheyhadenjoyed。InanoldcartularyoftheabbeyofTurpenay，nearChinon，whichinthoselatertroubloustimeshadfoundarestingplaceinthelibraryofAzay，wherethecustodianwasonlytoogladtoreceiveit，ImetwithafragmentundertheheadofTheHoursofPoissy，whichhadevidentlybeenputtogetherbyamerryabbotofTurpenayforthediversionofhisneighboursofUsee，Azay，Mongaugar，Sacchez，andotherplacesofthisprovince。Igivethemundertheauthorityoftheclericalgarb，butalteredtomyownstyle，becauseI
havebeencompelledtoturnthemfromLatinintoFrench。Icommence：——
AtPoissythenunswereaccustomedto，whenMademoiselle，theking\'sdaughter，theirabbess，hadgonetobed……Itwasshewhofirstcalledit/fairelapetiteoie/，tosticktothepreliminariesoflove，theprologues，prefaces，protocols，warnings，notices，introductions，summaries，prospectuses，arguments，notices，epigraphs，titles，false-titles，currenttitles，scholia，marginalremarks，frontispieces，observations，giltedges，bookmarks，reglets，vignettes，tailpieces，andengravings，withoutonceopeningthemerrybooktoread，re-read，andstudytoapprehendandcomprehendthecontents。Andshegatheredtogetherinabodyallthoseextra-judiciallittlepleasuresofthatsweetlanguage，whichcomeindeedfromthelips，yetmakenonoise，andpractisedthemsowell，thatshediedavirginandperfectinshape。Thegaysciencewasafterdeeplystudiedbytheladiesofthecourt，whotookloversfor/lapetiteoie/，othersforhonour，andattimesalsocertainoneswhohadoverthemtherightofhighandlowjurisdiction，andweremastersofeverything——astateofthingsmuchpreferred。Buttocontinue：Whenthisvirtuousprincesswasnakedandshamelessbetweenthesheets，thesaidgirlsthosewhosecheekswereunwrinkledandtheirheartsgaywouldstealnoiselesslyoutoftheircells，andhidethemselvesinthatofoneofthesisterswhowasmuchlikedbyallofthem。Theretheywouldhavecosylittlechats，enlivenedwithsweetmeats，pasties，liqueurs，andgirlishquarrels，worrytheirelders，imitatingthemgrotesquely，innocentlymockingthem，tellingstoriesthatmadethemlaughtillthetearscameandplayingathousandpranks。Attimestheywouldmeasuretheirfeet，toseewhosewerethesmallest，comparethewhiteplumpnessoftheirarms，seewhosenosehadtheinfirmityofblushingaftersupper，counttheirfreckles，telleachotherwheretheirskinmarksweresituated，disputewhosecomplexionwastheclearest，whosehairtheprettiestcolour，andwhosefigurethebest。YoucanimaginethatamongthesefiguressanctifiedtoGodtherewerefineones，stoutones，lankones，thinones，plumpones，suppleones，shrunkenones，andfiguresofallkinds。Thentheywouldquarrelamongstthemselvesastowhotooktheleasttomakeagirdle，andshewhospannedtheleastwaspleasedwithoutknowingwhy。Attimestheywouldrelatetheirdreamsandwhattheyhadseeninthem。Oftenoneortwo，attimesallofthem，haddreamedtheyhadtightholdofthekeysoftheabbey。Thentheywouldconsulteachotherabouttheirlittleailments。
Onehadscratchedherfinger，anotherhadawhitlow；thisonehadriseninthemorningwiththewhiteofhereyebloodshot；thatonehadputherfingerout，tellingherbeads。Allhadsomelittlethingthematterwiththem。
“Ah！youhaveliedtoourmother；yournailsaremarkedwithwhite，“
saidonetoherneighbour。
“Youstoppedalongtimeatconfessionthismorning，sister，“saidanother。“Youmusthaveagoodmanylittlesinstoconfess。“
Asthereisnothingresemblesapussy-catsomuchasatom-cat，theywouldsweareternalfriendship，quarrel，sulk，disputeandmakeitupagain；wouldbejealous，laughandpinch，pinchandlaugh，andplaytricksuponthenovices。
Attimestheywouldsay，“Supposeagendarmecamehereonerainyday，whereshouldweputhim？”
“WithSisterOvide；hercellissobighecouldgetintoitwithhishelmeton。“
“Whatdoyoumean？”criedSisterOvide，“arenotallourcellsalike？”
Thereuponthegirlsburstoutlaughinglikeripefigs。Oneeveningtheyincreasedtheircouncilbyalittlenovice，aboutseventeenyearsofage，whoappearedinnocentasanew-bornbabe，andwouldhavehadthehostwithoutconfession。Thismaiden\'smouthhadlongwateredfortheirsecretconfabulations，littlefeastsandrejoicingsbywhichthenunssoftenedtheholycaptivityoftheirbodies，andhadweptatnotbeingadmittedtothem。
“Well，“saidSisterOvidetoher，“haveyouhadagoodnight\'srest，littleone？”
“Ohno！”saidshe，“Ihavebeenbittenbyfleas。“
“Ha！youhavefleasinyourcell？Butyoumustgetridofthematonce。Doyouknowhowtherulesofourorderenjointhemtobedrivenout，sothatneveragainduringherconventionallifeshallasisterseesomuchasthetailofone？”
“No，“repliedthenovice。
“Wellthen，Iwillteachyou。Doyouseeanyfleashere？Doyounoticeanytraceoffleas？Doyousmellanodouroffleas？Isthereanyappearanceoffleasinmycell？Look！”
“Ican\'tfindany，“saidthelittlenovice，whowasMademoiselledeFiennes，“andsmellnoodourotherthanourown。“
“DoasIamabouttotellyou，andbenomorebitten。Directlyyoufeelyourselfpricked，youmuststripyourself，liftyourchemise，andbecarefulnottosinwhilelookingalloveryourbody；thinkonlyofthecursedflea，lookingforit，ingoodfaith，withoutpayingattentiontootherthings；tryingonlytocatchtheflea，whichisadifficultjob，asyoumayeasilybedeceivedbythelittleblackspotsonyourskin，whichyouwerebornwith。Haveyouany，littleone？”
“Yes，“criedshe。“Ihavetwodarkfreckles，oneonmyshoulderandoneonmyback，ratherlowdown，butitishiddeninafoldoftheflesh。“
“Howdidyouseeit？”askedSisterPerpetue。
“Ididnotknowit。ItwasMonsieurdeMontresorwhofounditout。“
“Ha，ha！”saidthesister，“isthatallhesaw？”
“Hesaweverything，“saidshe，“Iwasquitelittle；hewasaboutnineyearsold，andwewereplayingtogether……“
Thenunshardlybeingabletorestraintheirlaughter，SisterOvidewenton——
“Theabove-mentionedfleawilljumpfromyourlegstoyoureyes，willtryandhidehimselfinaperturesandcrevices，willleapfromvalleytomountain，endeavouringtoescapeyou；buttherulesofthehouseorderyoucourageouslytopursue，repeatingaves。Ordinarilyatthethirdavethebeastistaken。“
“Theflea？”askedthenovice。
“Certainlytheflea，“repliedSisterOvide；“butinordertoavoidthedangersofthischase，youmustbecarefulinwhateverspotyouputyourfingeronthebeast，totouchnothingelse……Thenwithoutregardingitscries，plaints，groans，efforts，andwrithings，andtherebellionwhichfrequentlyitattempts，youwillpressitunderyourthumborotherfingerofthehandengagedinholdingit，andwiththeotherhandyouwillsearchforaveiltobindtheflea\'seyesandpreventitfromleaping，asthebeastseeingnolongerclearlywillnotknowwheretogo。Nevertheless，asitwillstillbeabletobiteyou，andwillbegettingterriblyenraged，youmustgentlyopenitsmouthanddelicatelyinsertthereinatwigoftheblessedbrushthathangsoveryourpillow。Thusthebeastwillbecompelledtobehaveproperly。Butrememberthatthedisciplineofourorderallowsyoutoretainnoproperty，andthebeastcannotbelongtoyou。YoumusttakeintoconsiderationthatitisoneofGod\'screatures，andstrivetorenderitmoreagreeable。Therefore，beforeallthings，itisnecessarytoverifythreeseriousthings——viz。：Ifthefleabeamale，ifitbefemale，orifitbeavirgin；supposingittobeavirgin，whichisextremelyrare，sincethesebeastshavenomorals，areallwildhussies，andyieldtothefirstseducerwhocomes，youwillseizeherhinderfeet，anddrawingthemunderherlittlecaparison，youmustbindthemwithoneofyourhairs，andcarryittoyoursuperior，whowilldecideuponitsfateafterhavingconsultedthechapter。Ifitbeamale——“
“Howcanonetellthatafleaisavirgin？askedthecuriousnovice。
“Firstofall，“repliedSisterOvide，“sheissadandmelancholy，doesnotlaughliketheothers，doesnotbitesosharp，hashermouthlesswideopen，blusheswhentouched——youknowwhere。“
“Inthatcase，“repliedthenovice，“Ihavebeenbittenbyamale。“
AtthisthesistersburstoutlaughingsoheartilythatoneofthemsoundedabassnoteandvoidedalittlewaterandSisterOvidepointingtoitonthefloor，said——
“Youseethere\'sneverwindwithoutrain。“
Thenovicelaughedherself，thinkingthatthesechuckleswerecausedbythesister\'sexclamation。
“Now，“wentonSisterOvide，“ifitbeamaleflea，youtakeyourscissors，oryourlover\'sdagger，ifbychancehehasgivenyouoneasasouvenir，previoustoyourentryintotheconvent。Inshort，furnishedwithacuttinginstrument，youcarefullyslitopentheflanksoftheflea。Expecttohearhimhowl，cough，spit，begyourpardon；toseehimtwistabout，sweat，makesheep\'seyes，andanythingthatmaycomeintohisheadtoputoffthisoperation。Butbenotastonished；pluckupyourcouragewhenthinkingthatyouareactingthustobringapervertedcreatureintothewaysofsalvation。Thenyouwilldextrouslytakethereins，theliver，theheart，thegizzard，andnobleparts，anddipthemallseveraltimesintotheholywater，washingandpurifyingthemthere，atthesametimeimploringtheHolyGhosttosanctifytheinteriorofthebeast。Afterwardsyouwillreplacealltheseintestinalthingsinthebodyoftheflea，whowillbeanxioustogetthembackagain。Beingbythismeansbaptised，thesoulofthecreaturehasbecomeCatholic。Immediatelyyouwillgetaneedleandthreadandsewupthebellyofthefleawithgreatcare，withsuchregardandattentionasisduetoafellowChristian；youwillevenprayforit——akindnesstowhichyouwillseeitissensiblebyitsgenuflectionsandtheattentiveglanceswhichitwillbestowuponyou。Inshort，itwillcrynomore，andhavenofurtherdesiretokillyou；andfleasareoftenencounteredwhodiefrompleasureatbeingthusconvertedtoourholyreligion。Youwilldothesametoallyoucatch；andtheothersperceivingit，afterstaringattheconvert，willgoaway，soperversearethey，andsoterrifiedattheideaofbecomingChristians。“
“Andtheyarethereforewicked，“saidthenovice。“IsthereanygreaterhappinessthantobeinthebosomoftheChurch？”
“Certainly！”answeredsisterUrsula，“hereweareshelteredfromthedangersoftheworldandoflove，inwhichtherearesomany。“
“Isthereanyotherdangerthanthatofhavingachildatanunseasonabletime？”askedayoungsister。
“Duringthepresentreign，“repliedUrsula，raisingherhead，“lovehasinheritedleprosy，StAnthony\'sfire，theArdennes\'sickness，andtheredrash，andhasheapedupallthefevers，agonies，drugsandsufferingsofthelotinhisprettymortar，todrawouttherefromaterriblecompound，ofwhichthedevilhasgiventhereceipt，luckilyforconvents，becausethereareagreatnumberoffrightenedladies，whobecomevirtuousforfearofthislove。“
Thereupontheyhuddledupclosetogether，alarmedatthesewords，butwishingtoknowmore。
“Andisitenoughtolove，tosuffer？”askedasister。
“Oh，yes！”criedSisterOvide。
“Youlovejustforonelittleonceaprettygentleman，“repliedUrsula，“andyouhavethechanceofseeingyourteethgoonebyone，yourhairfalloff，yourcheeksgrowpallid，andyoureyebrowsdrop，andthedisappearanceofyourprizedcharmswillcostyoumanyasigh。
Therearepoorwomenwhohavescabscomeupontheirnoses，andotherswhohaveahorridanimalwithahundredclaws，whichgnawstheirtenderestparts。ThePopehasatlastbeencompelledtoexcommunicatethiskindoflove。“
“Ah！howluckyIamtohavehadnothingofthatsort，“criedthenovice。
Hearingthissouveniroflove，thesisterssuspectedthatthelittleonehadgoneastraythroughtheheatofacrucifixofPoissy，andhadbeenjokingwiththeSisterOvide，anddrawingherout。Allcongratulatedthemselvesonhavingsomerryajadeintheircompany，andaskedhertowhatadventuretheywereindebtedforthatpleasure。
“Ah！”saidshe，“Iletmyselfbebittenbyabigflea，whohadalreadybeenbaptised。“
Atthisspeech，thesisterofthebassnotecouldnotrestrainasecondsign。
“Ah！”saidSisterOvide，“youareboundtogiveusthethird。Ifyouspokethatlanguageinthechoir，theabbesswoulddietyoulikeSisterPetronille；soputasordineinyourtrumpet。“
“IsittruethatyouknewinherlifetimethatSisterPetronilleonwhomGodbestowedthegiftofonlygoingtwiceayeartothebankofdeposit？”askedSisterUrsula。
“Yes，“repliedOvide。“Andoneeveningithappenedshehadtoremainenthroneduntilmatins，saying，\'IamherebythewillofGod。\'Butatthefirstverse，shewasdelivered，inorderthatsheshouldnotmisstheoffice。Nevertheless，thelateabbesswouldnotallowthatthiswasanespecialfavour，grantedfromonhigh，andsaidthatGoddidnotlooksolow。Herearethefactsofthecase。Ourdefunctsister，whosecanonisationtheorderarenowendeavouringtoobtainatthecourtofthePope，andwouldhavehaditiftheycouldhavepaidthepropercostsofthepapalbrief；thisPetronille，then，hadanambitiontohavehernameincludedintheCalendarofSaints，whichwasinnowayprejudicialtoourorder。Shelivedinprayeralone，wouldremaininecstasybeforethealtarofthevirgin，whichisonthesideofthefields，andpretendsodistinctlytoheartheangelsflyinginParadise，thatshewasabletohumthetunestheyweresinging。YouallknowthatshetookfromthemthechantAdoremus，ofwhichnomancouldhaveinventedanote。Sheremainedfordayswithhereyesfixedlikethestar，fasting，andputtingnomorenourishmentintoherbodythatIcouldintomyeye。Shehadmadeavownevertotastemeat，eithercookedorraw，andateonlyacrustofbreadaday；
butongreatfeastdaysshewouldaddtheretoamorselofsaltfish，withoutanysauce。Onthisdietshebecamedreadfullythin，yellowandsaffron，anddryasanoldboneinacemetery；forshewasofanardentdisposition，andanyonewhohadhadthehappinessofknockingupagainsther，wouldhavedrawnfireasfromaflint。However，littleassheate，shecouldnotescapeaninfirmitytowhich，luckilyorunluckily，weareallmoreorlesssubject。Ifitwereotherwise，weshouldbeverymuchembarrassed。Theaffairinquestion，istheobligationofexpellingaftereating，likealltheotheranimals，mattermoreorlessagreeable，accordingtoconstitution。NowSisterPetronilledifferedfromallothers，becausesheexpelledmattersuchasisleftbyadeer，andthesearethehardestsubstancesthatanygizzardproduces，asyoumustknow，ifyouhaveeverputyourfootuponthemintheforestglade，andfromtheirhardnesstheyarecalledbulletsinthelanguageofforestry。ThispeculiarityofSisterPetronille\'swasnotunnatural，sincelongfastskepthertemperamentatapermanentheat。Accordingtotheoldsisters，hernaturewassoburning，thatwhenwatertouchedher，shewentfrist！likeahotcoal。
Therearesisterswhohaveaccusedherofsecretlycookingeggs，inthenight，betweenhertoes，inordertosupportherausterities。Butthesewerescandals，inventedtotarnishthisgreatsanctityofwhichalltheothernunnerieswerejealous。OursisterwaspilotedinthewayofsalvationanddivineperfectionbytheAbbotofSt。Germaine-
des-PresdeParis——aholyman，whoalwaysfinishedhisinjunctionswithalastone，whichwastooffertoGodallourtroubles，andsubmitourselvestoHiswill，sincenothinghappenedwithoutHisexpresscommandment。Thisdoctrine，whichappearswiseatfirstsight，hasfurnishedmatterforgreatcontroversies，andhasbeenfinallycondemnedonthestatementoftheCardinalofChatillon，whodeclaredthatthentherewouldbenosuchthingassin，whichwouldconsiderablydiminishtherevenuesoftheChurch。ButSisterPetronillelivedimbuedwiththisfeeling，withoutknowingthedangerofit。AfterLent，andthefastsofthegreatjubilee，forthefirsttimeforeightmonthsshehadneedtogotothelittleroom，andtoitshewent。There，bravelyliftingherdress，sheputherselfintoapositiontodothatwhichwepoorsinnersdoratheroftener。ButSisterPetronillecouldonlymanagetoexpectoratethecommencementofthething，whichkeptherpuffingwithouttheremaindermakingupitsmindtofollow。Inspiteofeveryeffort，pursingofthelipsandsqueezingofbody，herguestpreferredtoremaininherblessedbody，merelyputtinghisheadoutofthewindow，likeafrogtakingtheair，andfeltnoinclinationtofallintothevaleofmiseryamongtheothers，allegingthathewouldnotbethereintheodourofsanctity。
Andhisideawasagoodoneforasimplelumpofdirtlikehimself。
Thegoodsainthavingusedallmethodsofcoercion，havingoverstretchedhermuscles，andtriedthenervesofherthinfacetilltheybulgedout，recognisedthefactthatnosufferingintheworldwassogreat，andheranguishattainingtheapogeeofsphincterialterrors，sheexclaimed，\'Oh！myGod，toTheeIofferit！\'Atthisorison，thestoneymatterbrokeoffshort，andfelllikeaflintagainstthewalloftheprivy，makingacroc，croc，crooc，paf！Youcaneasilyunderstand，mysisters，thatshehadnoneedofatorch-
cul，anddrewbacktheremainder。“
“Thendidsheseeangels？”askedone。
“Havetheyabehind？”askedanother。
“Certainlynot，“saidUrsula。“Doyounotknowthatonegeneralmeetingday，Godhavingorderedthemtobeseated，theyansweredHimthattheyhadnotthewherewithal。“
Thereupontheywentofftobed，somealone，othersnearlyalone。Theyweregoodgirls，whoharmedonlythemselves。
Icannotleavethemwithoutrelatinganadventurewhichtookplaceintheirhouse，whenReformwaspassingaspongeoverit，andmakingthemallsaints，asbeforestated。Atthattime，therewasintheepiscopalchairofParisaveritablesaint，whodidnotbragaboutwhathedid，andcaredfornaughtbutthepoorandsuffering，whomthedearoldBishoplodgedinhisheart，neglectinghisowninterestsfortheirs，andseekingoutmiseryinorderthathemighthealitwithwords，withhelp，withattentions，andwithmoney，accordingtothecase：asreadytosolacetherichintheirmisfortunesasthepoor，patchinguptheirsoulsandbringingthembacktoGod；andtearingabouthitherandthither，watchinghistroop，thedearshepherd！Nowthegoodmanwentaboutcarelessofthestateofhiscassocks，mantles，andbreeches，sothatthenakedmembersofthechurchwerecovered。Hewassocharitablethathewouldhavepawnedhimselftosaveaninfidelfromdistress。Hisservantswereobligedtolookafterhimcarefully。
Ofttimeshewouldscoldthemwhentheychangedunaskedhistatteredvestmentsfornew；andheusedtohavethemdarnedandpatched，aslongastheywouldholdtogether。NowthisgoodarchbishopknewthatthelateSieurdePoissyhadleftadaughter，withoutasouorarag，afterhavingeaten，drunk，andgambledawayherinheritance。Thispooryoungladylivedinahovel，withoutfireinwinterorcherriesinspring；anddidneedlework，notwishingeithertomarrybeneathherorsellhervirtue。Awaitingthetimewhenheshouldbeabletofindayounghusbandforher，theprelatetookitintohisheadtosendhertheoutsidecaseofonetomend，inthepersonofhisoldbreeches，ataskwhichtheyounglady，inherpresentposition，wouldbegladtoundertake。OnedaythatthearchbishopwasthinkingtohimselfthathemustgototheconventofPoissy，toseeafterthereformedinmates，hegavetooneofhisservants，theoldestofhisnethergarments，whichwassorelyinneedofstitches，saying，“Takethis，Saintot，totheyoungladiesofPoissy，“meaningtosay，“theyoungladyofPoissy。“Thinkingofaffairsconnectedwiththecloister，hedidnotinformhisvarletofthesituationofthelady\'shouse；herdesperateconditionhavingbeenbyhimdiscreetlykeptasecret。SaintottookthebreechesandwenthiswaytowardsPoissy，gayasagrasshopper，stoppingtochatwithfriendshemetontheway，slakinghisthirstatthewaysideinns，andshowingmanythingstothebreechesduringthejourneythatmighthereafterbeusefultothem。Atlasthearrivedattheconvent，andinformedtheabbessthathismasterhadsenthimtogiveherthesearticles。Whenthevarletdeparted，leavingwiththereverendmother，thegarmentaccustomedtomodelinreliefthearchiepiscopalproportionsofthecontinentnatureofthegoodman，accordingtothefashionoftheperiod，besidetheimageofthosethingsofwhichtheEternalFatherhaddeprivedHisangels，andwhichinthegoodprelatedidnotwantforamplitude。Madametheabbesshavinginformedthesistersofthepreciousmessageofthegoodarchbishoptheycameinhaste，curiousandhustling，asantsintowhoserepublicachestnuthuskhasfallen。Whentheyundidthebreeches，whichgapedhorribly，theyshriekedout，coveringtheireyeswithonehand，ingreatfearofseeingthedevilcomeout，theabbessexclaiming，“Hideyourselvesmydaughters！Thisistheabodeofmortalsin！”
Themotherofthenovices，givingalittlelookbetweenherfingers，revivedthecourageoftheholytroop，swearingbyanAvethatnolivingheadwasdomiciledinthebreeches。Thentheyallblushedattheirease，whileexaminingthishabitavit，thinkingthatperhapsthedesireoftheprelatewasthattheyshoulddiscoverthereinsomesageadmonitionorevangelicalparable。Althoughthissightcausedcertainravagesintheheartsofthosemostvirtuousmaidens，theypaidlittleattentiontotheflutteringsoftheirreins，butsprinklingalittleholywaterinthebottomoftheabyss，onetouchedit，anotherpassedherfingerthroughahole，andgrewbolderlookingatit。Ithasevenbeenpretendedthat，theirfirststirover，theabbessfoundavoicesufficientlyfirmtosay，“Whatisthereatthebottomofthis？Withwhatideahasourfathersentusthatwhichconsummatestheruinofwomen？”
“It\'sfifteenyears，dearmother，sinceIhavebeenpermittedtogazeuponthedemon\'sden。“
“Silence，mydaughter。Youpreventmethinkingwhatisbesttobedone。“
Thensomuchwerethesearchiepiscopalbreechesturnedandtwistedabout，admiredandre-admired，pulledhere，pulledthere，andturnedinsideout——somuchweretheytalkedabout，foughtabout，thoughtabout，dreamedabout，nightandday，thatonthemorrowalittlesistersaid，afterhavingsungthematins，towhichtheconventhadaverseandtworesponses——“Sisters，Ihavefoundouttheparableofthearchbishop。Hehassentusasamortificationhisgarmenttomend，asaholywarningtoavoididleness，themotherabbessofallthevices。“
Thereupontherewasascrambletogetholdofthebreeches；buttheabbess，usingherhighauthority，reservedtoherselfthemeditationoverthispatchwork。Shewasoccupiedduringtendays，praying，andsewingthesaidbreeches，liningthemwithsilk，andmakingdoublehems，wellsewn，andinallhumility。Thenthechapterbeingassembled，itwasarrangedthattheconventshouldtestifybyaprettysouvenirtothesaidarchbishoptheirdelightthathethoughtofhisdaughtersinGod。Thenallofthem，totheveryyoungest，hadtodosomeworkontheseblessedbreeches，inordertodohonourtothevirtueofthegoodman。
Meanwhiletheprelatehadhadsomuchtoattendto，thathehadforgottenallabouthisgarment。Thisishowitcameabout。Hemadetheacquaintanceofanobleofthecourt，who，havinglosthiswife——ashe-fiendandsterile——saidtothegoodpriest，thathehadagreatambitiontomeetwithavirtuouswoman，confidinginGod，withwhomhewasnotlikelytoquarrel，andwaslikelytohaveprettychildren。
Suchaonehedesiredtoholdbythehand，andhaveconfidencein。
ThentheholymandrewsuchapictureofMademoiselledePoissy，thatthisfaironesoonbecameMadamedeGenoilhac。Theweddingwascelebratedatthearchiepiscopalpalace，wherewasafeastofthefirstqualityandatableborderedwithladiesofthehighestlineage，andthefashionableworldofthecourt，amongwhomthebrideappearedthemostbeautiful，sinceithascertainthatshewasavirgin，thearchbishopguaranteeinghervirtue。
Whenthefruit，conserves，andpastrywerewithmanyornamentsarrangedonthecloth，Saintotsaidtothearchbishop，“Monseigneur，yourwell-beloveddaughtersofPoissysendyouafinedishforthecentre。“
“Putitthere，“saidthegoodman，gazingwithadmirationatanedificeofvelvetandsatin，embroideredwithfineribbon，intheshapeofanancientvase，thelidofwhichexhaledathousandsuperfineodours。
Immediatelythebride，uncoveringit，foundthereinsweetmeats，cakes，andthosedeliciousconfectionstowhichtheladiesaresopartial。
Butofoneofthem——somecuriousdevotee——seeingalittlepieceofsilk，pulledittowardsher，andexposedtoviewthehabitationofthehumancompass，tothegreatconfusionoftheprelate，forlaughterrangroundthetablelikeadischargeofartillery。
“Wellhavetheymadethecentredish，“saidthebridegroom。“Theseyoungladiesareofgoodunderstanding。Thereinareallthesweetsofmatrimony。“
CantherebeanybettermoralthanthatdeducedbyMonsieurdeGenoilhac？Thennootherisneeded。