Shewascertainlymorebeautiful，young，andmoreappetisingandgentlethanherrivals；atleast，thatwasthemelodiousdecreeofherimaginations。So，urgedonbythechordsandspringsofconscience，andphysicalcauseswhichaffectwomen，shereturnedtothecharge，tocommenceafreshassaultupontheheartofthechevalier，fortheladieslikethatwhichiswellfortified。
Thensheplayedthepussy-cat，andnestledupclosetohim，becamesosweetlysociable，andwheedledsogently，thatoneeveningwhenshewasinadespondingstate，althoughmerryenoughinherinmostsoul，theguardian-brotheraskedher——
“Whatisthematterwithyou？”
Towhichsherepliedtohimdreamily，beinglistenedtobyhimasthesweetestmusic——
ThatshehadmarriedMailleagainstherheart\'swill，andthatshewasveryunhappy；thatsheknewnotthesweetsoflove；thatherhusbanddidnotunderstandher，andthatherlifewasfulloftears。Infact，thatshewasamaideninheartandall，sincesheconfessedinmarriageshehadexperiencednothingbutthereverseofpleasure。Andsheadded，thatsurelythisholystateshouldbefullofsweetmeatsanddaintiesoflove，becausealltheladieshurriedintoit，andhatedandwerejealousofthosewhoout-bidthem，foritcostcertainpeopleprettydear；thatshewassocuriousaboutitthatforonegooddayornightoflove，shewouldgiveherlife，andalwaysbeobedienttoherloverwithoutamurmur；butthathewithwhomshewouldsoonerthanallotherstrytheexperimentwouldnotlistentoher；that，nevertheless，thesecretoftheirlovemightbekepteternally，sogreatwasherhusband\'sconfidenceinhim，andthatfinallyifhestillrefuseditwouldkillher。
Andalltheseparaphrasesofthecommoncanticleknowntotheladiesattheirbirthwereejaculatedbetweenathousandpauses，interruptedwithsighstornfromtheheart，ornamentedwithquiverings，appealstoheaven，upturnedeyes，suddenblushingsandclutchingsatherhair。Infact，noingredientoftemptationwaslackinginthedish，andatthebottomofallthesewordstherewasanippingdesirewhichembellishedevenitsblemishes。Thegoodknightfellatthelady\'sfeet，andweepingtookthemandkissedthem，andyoumaybesurethegoodwomanwasquitedelightedtolethimkissthem，andevenwithoutlookingtoocarefullytoseewhatshewasgoingtodo，sheabandonedherdresstohim，knowingwellthattokeepitfromsweepingthegrounditmustbetakenatthebottomtoraiseit；butitwaswrittenthatforthateveningsheshouldbegood，forthehandsomeLavallieresaidtoherwithdespair——
“Ah，madame，Iamanunfortunatemanandawretch。“
“Notatall，“saidshe。
“Alas，thejoyoflovingyouisdeniedtome。“
“How？”saidshe。
“Idarenotconfessmysituationtoyou！”
“Isitthenverybad？”
“Ah，youwillbeashamedofme！”
“Speak，Iwillhidemyfaceinmyhands，“andthecunningmadamehidherfaceissuchawaythatshecouldlookatherwell-belovedbetweenherfingers。
“Alas！”saidhe，“theothereveningwhenyouaddressedmeinsuchgraciouswords，Iwassotreacherouslyinflamed，thatnotknowingmyhappinesstobesonear，andnotdaringtoconfessmyflametoyou，I
rantoaBordelwhereallthegentlemango，andthereforloveofyou，andtosavethehonourofmybrotherwhoseheadIshouldblushtodishonour，IwassobadlyinfectedthatIamingreatdangerofdyingoftheItaliansickness。“
Thelady，seizedwithterror，gaveventtothecryofawomaninlabour，andwithgreatemotion，repulsedhimwithagentlelittlegesture。PoorLavalliere，findinghimselfinsopitiablestate，wentoutoftheroom，buthehadnotevenreachedthetapestriesofthedoor，whenMaried\'Annebautagaincontemplatedhim，sayingtoherself，“Ah！whatapity！”Thenshefellintoastateofgreatmelancholy，pityinginherselfthegentleman，andbecamethemoreinlovewithhimbecausehewasfruitthreetimesforbidden。
“ButforMaille，“saidshetohim，oneeveningthatshethoughthimhandsomerthanunusual，“Iwouldwillinglytakeyourdisease。Togetherweshouldthenhavethesameterrors。“
“Iloveyoutoowell，“saidthebrother，“nottobegood。“
AndhelefthertogotohisbeautifulLimeuil。Youcanimaginethatbeingunabletorefusetoreceivetheburningglancesofthelady，duringmealtimes，andtheevenings，therewasafirenourishedthatwarmedthemboth，butshewascompelledtolivewithouttouchinghercavalier，otherwisethanwithhereyes。Thusoccupied，Maried\'AnnebautwasfortifiedateverypointagainstthegallantsoftheCourt，fortherearenoboundssoimpassableasthoseoflove，andnobetterguardian；itislikethedevil，hewhomithasinitsclutchesitsurroundswithflames。Oneevening，Lavallierehavingescortedhisfriend\'swifetoadancegivenbyQueenCatherine，hedancedwiththefairLimeuil，withwhomhewasmadlyinlove。Atthattimetheknightscarriedontheiramoursbravelytwobytwo，andevenintroops。NowalltheladieswerejealousofLaLimeuil，whoatthattimewasthinkingofyieldingtothehandsomeLavalliere。Beforetakingtheirplacesinthequadrille，shehadgivenhimthesweetestofassignationsforthemorrow，duringthehunt。OurgreatQueenCatherine，whofrompoliticalmotivesfermentedtheselovesandstirredthemup，likepastrycooksmaketheovenfiresburnbypoking，glancedatalltheprettycouplesinterwoveninthequadrille，andsaidtoherhusband——
“Whentheycombathere，cantheyconspireagainstyou，eh？”
“Ah！buttheProtestants？”
“Bah！havethemhereaswell，“saidshe，laughing。“Why，lookatLavalliere，whoissuspectedtobeaHuguenot；heisconvertedbymydearlittleLimeuil，whodoesnotplayhercardsbadlyforayoungladyofsixteen。Hewillsoonhavehernamedowninhislist。“
“Ah，Madame！donotbelieveit，“saidMaried\'Annebaut，“heisruinedthroughthatsamesicknessofNapleswhichmadeyouqueen。“
Atthisartlessconfession，Catherine，thefairDiana，andtheking，whoweresittingtogether，burstoutlaughing，andthethingranroundtheroom。ThisbroughtendlessshameandmockeryuponLavalliere。Thepoorgentleman，pointedatbyeveryone，soonwishedsomebodyelseinhisshoes，forLaLimeuil，whohisrivalshadnotbeenslowlaughinglytowarnofherdanger，appearedtoshrinkfromherlover，sorapidwasthespread，andsoviolenttheapprehensionsofthisnastydisease。
ThusLavallierefoundhimselfabandonedbyeveryonelikealeper。Thekingmadeanoffensiveremark，andthegoodknightquittedtheball-room，followedbypoorMarieindespairatthespeech。Shehadineverywayruinedthemansheloved：shehaddestroyedhishonour，andmarredhislife，sincethephysiciansandmastersurgeonsadvanceasafact，incapableofcontradiction，thatpersonsItalianisedbythislovesickness，lostthroughittheirgreatestattractions，aswellastheirgenerativepowers，andtheirboneswentblack。
ThusnowomanwouldbindherselfinlegitimatemarriagewiththefinestgentlemeninthekingdomifhewereonlysuspectedofbeingoneofthosewhomMasterFrancesRabelaisnamed“hisverypreciousscabbyones……“
Asthehandsomeknightwasverysilentandmelancholy，hiscompanionsaidtohimontheroadhomefromHerculesHouse，wherethefetehadbeenheld——
“Mydearlord，Ihavedoneyouagreatmischief。“
“Ah，madame！”repliedLavalliere，“myhurtiscurable；butintowhatapredicamenthaveyoufallen？Youshouldnothavebeenawareofthedangerofmylove。“
“Ah！”saidshe，“Iamsurenowalwaystohaveyoutomyself；inexchangeforthisgreatobloquyanddishonour，Iwillbeforeveryourfriend，yourhostess，andyourlady-love——morethanthat，yourservant。Mydeterminationistodevotemyselftoyouandeffacethetracesofthisshame；tocureyoubyawatchandward；andifthelearnedinthesemattersdeclarethatthediseasehassuchaholdofyouthatitwillkillyoulikeourdefunctsovereign，Imuststillhaveyourcompanyinordertodiegloriouslyindyingofyourcomplaint。Eventhen，“saidshe，weeping，“thatwillnotbepenanceenoughtoatoneforthewrongIhavedoneyou。“
Thesewordswereaccompaniedwithbigtears；hervirtuousheartwaxedfaint，shefelltothegroundexhausted。Lavalliere，terrified，caughtherandplacedhishanduponherheart，belowabreastofmatchlessbeauty。Theladyrevivedatthewarmthofthisbelovedhand，experiencingsuchexquisitedelightsasnearlytomakeheragainunconscious。
“Alas！”saidshe，“thisslyandsuperficialcaresswillbeforthefuturetheonlypleasureofourlove。ItwillstillbeahundredtimesbetterthanthejoyswhichpoorMaillefanciesheisbestowingonme……Leaveyourhandthere，“saidshe；“verilyitisuponmysoul，andtouchesit。“
Atthesewordstheknightwasinapitifulplight，andinnocentlyconfessedtotheLadythatheexperiencedsomuchpleasureatthistouchthatthepainsofhismaladyincreased，andthatdeathwaspreferabletothismartyrdom。
“Letusdiethen，“saidshe。
Butthelitterwasinthecourtyardofthehotel，andasthemeansofdeathwasnothandy，eachonesleptfarfromtheother，heavilyweigheddownwithlove，LavallierehavinglosthisfairLimeuil，andMaried\'Annebauthavinggainedpleasureswithoutparallel。
Fromthisaffair，whichwasquiteunforeseen，Lavallierefoundhimselfunderthebanofloveandmarriageanddarednolongerappearinpublic，andhefoundhowmuchitcoststoguardthevirtueofawoman；
butthemorehonourandvirtuehedisplayedthemorepleasuredidheexperienceinthesegreatsacrificesofferedattheshrineofbrotherhood。Nevertheless，hisdutywasverybitter，veryticklish，andintolerabletoperform，towardsthelastdaysofhisguard。Andinthisway。
Theconfessionofherlove，whichshebelievedwasreturned，thewrongdonebyhertohercavalier，andtheexperienceofanunknownpleasure，emboldenedthefairMarie，whofellintoaplatoniclove，gentlytemperedwiththoselittleindulgencesinwhichthereisnodanger。Fromthiscausesprangthediabolicalpleasuresofthegameinventedbytheladies，whosincethedeathofFrancistheFirstfearedthecontagion，butwishedtogratifytheirlovers。Tothesecrueldelights，inordertoproperlyplayhispart，Lavallierecouldnotrefusehissanction。ThuseveryeveningthemournfulMariewouldattachherguesttoherpetticoats，holdinghishand，kissinghimwithburningglances，hercheekplacedgentlyagainsthis，andduringthisvirtuousembrace，inwhichtheknightwasheldlikethedevilbyaholywaterbrush，shetoldhimofhergreatlove，whichwasboundlesssinceitstretchedthroughtheinfinitespacesofunsatisfieddesire。
Allthefirewithwhichtheladiesendowtheirsubstantialamours，whenthenighthasnootherlightsthantheireyes，shetransferredintothemysticmotionsofherhead，theexultationsofhersoul，andtheecstasiesofherheart。Then，naturally，andwiththedeliciousjoyoftwoangelsunitedbythoughtalone，theyintonedtogetherthosesweetlitaniesrepeatedbytheloversoftheperiodinhonouroflove——anthemswhichtheabbotofThelemehasparagraphicallysavedfromoblivionbyengravingthemonthewallsofhisAbbey，situated，accordingtomasterAlcofribas，inourlandofChinon，whereIhaveseentheminLatin，andhavetranslatedthemforthebenefitofChristians。
“Alas！”saidMaried\'Annebaut，“thouartmystrengthandmylife，myjoyandmytreasure。“
“Andyou，“repliedhe“youareapearl，anangel。“
“Thouartmyseraphim。“
“Youmysoul。“
“ThoumyGod。“
“Youmyeveningstarandmorningstar，myhonour，mybeauty，myuniverse。“
“Thoumygreatmydivinemaster。“
“Youmyglory，myfaith，myreligion。“
“Thoumygentleone，myhandsomeone，mycourageousone，mydearone，mycavalier，mydefender，myking，mylove。“
“Youmyfairy，theflowerofmydays，thedreamofmynights。“
“Thoumythoughtateverymoment。“
“Youthedelightsofmyeyes。“
“Thouthevoiceofmysoul。“
“Youmylightbyday。“
“Thoumyglimmerinthenight。“
“Youthebestbelovedamongwomen。“
“Thouthemostadoredofmen。“
“Youmyblood，amyselfbetterthanmyself。“
“Thouartmyheart，mylustre。“
“Youmysaint，myonlyjoy。“
“Iyieldtheethepalmoflove，andhowgreatso\'erminebe，Ibelievethoulovestmestillmore，forthouartthelord。“
“No；thepalmisyours，mygoddess，myVirginMarie。“
“No；Iamthyservant，thinehandmaiden，anothingthoucanstcrushtoatoms。“
“No，no！itisIwhoamyourslave，yourfaithfulpage，whomyouseeasabreathofair，uponwhomyoucanwalkasonacarpet。Myheartisyourthrone。“
“No，dearest，forthyvoicetransfiguresme。“
“Yourregardburnsme。“
“Iseebutthee。“
“Ilovebutyou。“
“Oh！putthinehanduponmyheart——onlythinehand——andthouwillseemepale，whenmybloodshallhavetakentheheatofthine。“
Thenduringthesestrugglestheireyes，alreadyardent，flamedstillmorebrightly，andthegoodknightwasalittletheaccompliceofthepleasurewhichMaried\'Annebauttookinfeelinghishanduponherheart。Now，asinthislightembracealltheirstrengthwasputforth，alltheirdesiresstrained，alltheirideasofthethingconcentrated，ithappenedthattheknight\'stransportreachedaclimax。Theireyesweptwarmtears，theyseizedeachotherhardandfastasfireseizeshouses；butthatwasall。Lavallierehadpromisedtoreturnsafeandsoundtohisfriendthebodyonly，nottheheart。
WhenMailleannouncedhisreturn，itwasquitetime，sincenovirtuecouldavoidmeltinguponthisgridiron；andthelesslicencethelovershad，themorepleasuretheyhadintheirfantasies。
LeavingMaried\'Annebaut，thegoodcompanioninarmswentasfarasBondytomeethisfriend，tohelphimtopassthroughtheforestwithoutaccident，andthetwobrothersslepttogether，accordingtotheancientcustom，inthevillageofBondy。
There，intheirbed，theyrecountedtoeachother，oneoftheadventuresofhisjourney，theotherthegossipofthecamp，storiesofgallantry，andtherest。ButMaille\'sfirstquestionwastouchingMaried\'Annebaut，whomLavallieresworetobeintactinthatpreciousplacewherethehonourofhusbandsislodged；atwhichtheamorousMaillewashighlydelighted。
Onthemorrow，theywereallthreere-united，tothegreatdisgustofMarie，who，withthehighjurisprudenceofwomen，madeagreatfusswithhergoodhusband，butwithherfingersheindicatedherheartinanartlessmannertoLavalliere，asonewhosaid，“Thisisthine！”
AtsupperLavalliereannouncedhisdepartureforthewars。Maillewasmuchgrievedatthisresolution，andwishedtoaccompanyhisbrother；
thatLavalliererefusedhimpointblank。
“Madame，“saidhetoMaried\'Annebaut，“Iloveyoumorethanlife，butnotmorethanhonour。“
Heturnedpalesayingthis，andMadamedeMailleblanchedhearinghim，becauseneverintheiramorousdalliancehadtherebeensomuchtrueloveasinthisspeech。MailleinsistedonkeepinghisfriendcompanyasfarasMeaux。Whenhecamebackhewastalkingoverwithhiswifetheunknownreasonsandsecretcausesofthisdeparture，whenMarie，whosuspectedthegriefofpoorLavallieresaid，“Iknow：heisashamedtostopherebecausehehastheNeapolitansickness。“
“He！”saidMaille，quiteastonished。“IsawhimwhenwewereinbedtogetheratBondytheotherevening，andyesterdayatMeaux。There\'snothingthematterwithhim；heisassoundasabell。“
Theladyburstintotears，admiringthisgreatloyalty，thesublimeresignationtohisoath，andtheextremesufferingsofthisinternalpassion。Butasshestillkeptherloveintherecessesofherheart，shediedwhenLavallierefellbeforeMetz，ashasbeenelsewhererelatedbyMessireBourdeillesdeBrantomeinhistittle-tattle。
THEVICAROFAZAY-LE-RIDEAU
Inthosedaysthepriestsnolongertookanywomaninlegitimatemarriage，butkeptgoodmistressesasprettyastheycouldget；whichcustomhassincebeeninterdictedbythecouncil，aseveryoneknows，because，indeed，itwasnotpleasantthattheprivateconfessionsofpeopleshouldberetoldtoawenchwhowouldlaughatthem，besidestheothersecretdoctrines，ecclesiasticalarrangements，andspeculationswhicharepartandparcelofthepoliticsoftheChurchofRome。Thelastpriestinourcountrywhotheologicallykeptawomaninhisparsonage，regalingherwithhisscholasticlove，wasacertainvicarofAzay-le-Ridel，aplacelateronmostaptlynamedasAzay-le-Brule，andnowAzay-le-Rideau，whosecastleisoneofthemarvelsofTouraine。Nowthissaidperiod，whenthewomenwerenotaversetotheodourofthepriesthood，isnotsofardistantassomemaythink，MonsieurD\'Orgemont，sonoftheprecedingbishop，stillheldtheseeofParis，andthegreatquarrelsoftheArmagnacshadnotfinished。Totellthetruth，thisvicardidwelltohavehisvicarageinthatage，sincehewaswellshapen，ofahighcolour，stout，big，strong，eatinganddrinkinglikeaconvalescent，andindeed，wasalwaysrisingfromalittlemaladythatattackedhimatcertaintimes；
and，lateron，hewouldhavebeenhisownexecutioner，hadhedeterminedtoobservehiscanonicalcontinence。AddtothisthathewasaTourainian，idest，dark，andhadinhiseyesflametolight，andwatertoquenchallthedomesticfurnacesthatrequiredlightingorquenching；andneversinceatAzayhasbeensuchvicarseen！A
handsomevicarwashe，square-shouldered，freshcoloured，alwaysblessingandchuckling，preferredweddingsandchristeningstofunerals，agoodjoker，piousinChurch，andamanineverything。
Therehavebeenmanyvicarswhohavedrunkwellandeatenwell；otherswhohaveblessedabundantlyandchuckledconsumedly；butallofthemtogetherwouldhardlymakeupthesterlingworthofthisaforesaidvicar；andhealonehasworthilyfilledhispostwithbenedictions，hashelditwithjoy，andinithasconsoledtheafflicted，allsowell，thatnoonesawhimcomeoutofhishousewithoutwishingtobeinhisheart，somuchwashebeloved。Itwashewhofirstsaidinasermonthatthedevilwasnotsoblackashewaspainted，andwhoforMadamedeCandetransformedpartridgesintofishsayingthattheperchoftheIndrewerepartridgesoftheriver，and，ontheotherhand，partridgesperchintheair。Heneverplayedartfultricksunderthecloakofmorality，andoftensaid，jokingly，hewouldratherbeinagoodbedtheninanybody\'swill，thathehadplentyofeverything，andwantednothing。Asforthepoorandsuffering，neverdidthosewhocametoaskforwoolatthevicaragegoawayshorn，forhishandwasalwaysinhispocket，andhemeltedhewhoinallelsewassofirm
atthesightofallthismiseryandinfirmity，andheendeavouredtohealalltheirwounds。Therehavebeenmanygoodstoriestoldconcerningthiskingofvicars。ItwashewhocausedsuchheartylaughterattheweddingofthelordofValennes，nearSacche。Themotherofthesaidlordhadagooddealtodowiththevictuals，roastmeatsandotherdelicacies，ofwhichtherewassufficientquantitytofeedasmalltownatleast，anditistrue，atthesametime，thatpeoplecametotheweddingfromMontbazon，fromTours，fromChinon，fromLangeais，andfromeverywhere，andstoppedeightdays。
Nowthegoodvicar，ashewasgoingintotheroomwherethecompanywereenjoyingthemselves，metthelittlekitchenboy，whowishedtoinformMadamethatalltheelementarysubstancesandfatrudiments，syrups，andsauces，wereinreadinessforapuddingofgreatdelicacy，thesecretcompilation，mixing，andmanipulationofwhichshewishedherselftosuperintend，intendingitasaspecialtreatforherdaughter-in-law\'srelations。Ourvicargavetheboyataponthecheek，tellinghimthathewastoogreasyanddirtytoshowhimselftopeopleofhighrank，andthathehimselfwoulddeliverthesaidmessage。Themerryfellowpushesopenthedoor，shapesthefingersofhislefthandintotheformofasheath，andmovesgentlythereinthemiddlefingerofhisright，atthesametimelookingattheladyofValennes，andsayingtoher，“Come，allisready。“ThosewhodidnotunderstandtheaffairburstoutlaughingtoseeMadamegetupandgotothevicar，becausesheknewhereferredtothepudding，andnottothatwhichtheothersimagined。
Butatruestoryisthatconcerningthemannerinwhichthisworthypastorlosthismistress，towhomtheecclesiasticalauthoritiesallowednosuccessor；but，asforthat，thevicardidnotwantfordomesticutensils。Intheparisheveryonethoughtitanhonourtolendhimtheirs，themorereadilybecausehewasnotthemantospoilanything，andwascarefultocleanthemoutthoroughly，thedearman。
Butherearethefacts。Oneeveningthegoodmancamehometosupperwithamelancholyface，becausehehadjustputintothegroundagoodfarmer，whosedeathcameaboutinastrangemanner，andisstillfrequentlytalkedaboutinAzay。Seeingthatheonlyatewiththeendofhisteeth，andturneduphisnoseatadishoftripe，whichhadbeencookedinhisownspecialmanner，hisgoodwomansaidtohim——
“HaveyoupassedbeforetheLombardseeMASTERCORNELIUSpassim，mettwoblackcrows，orseenthedeadmanturninhisgrave，thatyouaresoupset？”
“Oh！Oh！”
“Hasanyonedeceivedyou？”
“Ha！Ha！”
“Come，tellme！”
“Mydear，IamstillquiteovercomeatthedeathofpoorCochegrue，andthereisnotatthepresentmomentagoodhousewife\'stongueoravirtuouscuckold\'slipsthatarenottalkingaboutit。“
“Andwhatwasit？”
“Listen！ThispoorCochegruewasreturningfrommarket，havingsoldhiscornandtwofatpigs。Hewasridinghisprettymare，who，nearAzay，commencedtocaperaboutwithouttheslightestcause，andpoorCochegruetrottedandambledalongcountinghisprofits。AtthecorneroftheoldroadoftheLandesdeCharlemagne，theycameuponastallionkeptbytheSieurdelaCarte，inafield，inordertohaveagoodbreedofhorses，becausethesaidanimalwasfleetoffoot，ashandsomeasanabbot，andsohighandmightythattheadmiralwhocametoseeit，saiditwasabeastofthefirstquality。Thiscursedhorsescentedtheprettymare；likeacunningbeast，neitherneighednorgaveventtoanyequineejaculation，butwhenshewasclosetotheroad，leapedoverfortyrowsofvinesandgallopedafterher，pawingthegroundwithhisironshoes，dischargingtheartilleryofaloverwholongsforanembrace，givingforthsoundstosetthestrongestteethonedge，andsoloudly，thatthepeopleofChampyhearditandweremuchterrifiedthereat。
Cochegrue，suspectingtheaffair，makesforthemoors，spurshisamorousmare，relyinguponherrapidpace，andindeed，thegoodmareunderstands，obeys，andflies——flieslikeabird，butabowshotofffollowstheblessedhorse，thunderingalongtheroadlikeablacksmithbeatingiron，andatfullspeed，hismaneflyinginthewind，replyingtothesoundofthemare\'sswiftgallopwithhisterriblepat-a-pan！
pat-a-pan！Thenthegoodfarmer，feelingdeathfollowinghimintheloveofthebeast，spursanewhismare，andharderstillshegallops，untilatlast，paleandhalfdeadwithfear，hereachestheouteryardofhisfarmhouse，butfindingthedoorofthestableshuthecries，\'Helphere！Wife！\'Thenheturnedroundonhismare，thinkingtoavoidthecursedbeastwhoselovewasburning，whowaswildwithpassion，andgrowingmoreamorouseverymoment，tothegreatdangerofthemare。Hisfamily，horrifiedatthedanger，didnotgotoopenthestabledoor，fearingthestrangeembraceandthekicksoftheiron-shodlover。Atlast，Cochegrue\'swifewent，butjustasthegoodmarewashalfwaythroughthedoor，thecursedstallionseizedher，squeezedher，gaveherawildgreeting，withhistwolegsgrippedher，pinchedherandheldhertight，andatthesametimesokneadedandknockedaboutCochegruethattherewasonlyfoundofhimashapelessmass，crushedlikeanutaftertheoilhasbeendistilledfromit。Itwasshockingtoseehimsquashedaliveandminglinghiscrieswiththeloudlove-sighsofthehorse。“
“Oh！themare！”exclaimedthevicar\'sgoodwench。
“What！”saidthepriestastonished。
“Certainly。Youmenwouldn\'thavecrackedaplumstoneforus。“
“There，“answeredthevicar，“youwrongme。“Thegoodmanthrewhersoangrilyuponthebed，attackedandtreatedhersoviolentlythatshesplitintopieces，anddiedimmediatelywithouteithersurgeonsorphysiciansbeingabletodeterminethemannerinwhichthesolutionofcontinuitywasarrivedat，soviolentlydisjointedwerethehingesandmesialpartitions。Youcanimaginethathewasaproudman，andasplendidvicarashasbeenpreviouslystated。
Thegoodpeopleofthecountry，eventhewomen，agreedthathewasnottoblame，butthathisconductwaswarrantedbythecircumstances。
Fromthis，perhaps，cametheproverbsomuchinuseatthattime，Quel\'azelesaille！Thewhichproverbisreallysomuchcoarserinitsactualwording，thatoutofrespectfortheladiesIwillnotmentionit。Butthiswasnottheonlycleverthingthatthisgreatandnoblevicarachieved，forbeforethismisfortunehedidsuchastrokeofbusinessthatnorobbersdareaskhimhowmanyangelshehadinhispocket，evenhadtheybeentwentystrongandovertoattackhim。Oneeveningwhenhisgoodwomanwasstillwithhim，aftersupper，duringwhichhehadenjoyedhisgoose，hiswench，hiswine，andeverything，andwasreclininginhischairthinkingwherehecouldbuildanewbarnforthetithes，amessagecameforhimfromthelordofSacche，whowasgivinguptheghostandwishedtoreconcilehimselfwithGod，receivethesacrament，andgothroughtheusualceremonies。“Heisagoodmanandloyallord。Iwillgo。“saidhe。Thereuponhepassedintothechurch，tookthesilverboxwheretheblessedbreadis，rangthelittlebellhimselfinordernottowaketheclerk，andwentlightlyandwillinglyalongtheroads。NeartheGue-droit，whichisavalleyleadingtotheIndreacrossthemoors，ourgoodvicarperceivedahightoby。Andwhatisahightoby？ItisaclerkofSt。Nicholas。Well，whatisthat？Thatmeansapersonwhoseesclearlyonadarknight，instructshimselfbyexaminingandturningoverpurses，andtakeshisdegreesonthehighroad。Doyouunderstandnow？Wellthen，thehightobywaitedforthesilverbox，whichheknewtobeofgreatvalue。
“Oh！oh！”saidthepriest，puttingdownthesacredvaseonastoneatthecornerofthebridge，“stopthoutherewithoutmoving。“
Thenhewalkeduptotherobber，tippedhimup，seizedhisloadedstick，andwhentherascalgotuptostrugglewithhim，heguttedhimwithablowwellplantedinthemiddleofhisstomach。Thenhepickeduptheviaticumagain，sayingbravelytoit：“Ah！IfIhadrelieduponthyprovidence，weshouldhavebeenlost。“NowtouttertheseimpiouswordsontheroadtoSacchewasmerewasteofbreath，seeingthatheaddressedthemnottoGod，buttotheArchbishopofTours，whohaveonceseverelyrebukedhim，threatenedhimwithsuspension，andadmonishedhimbeforetheChapterforhavingpubliclytoldcertainlazypeoplethatagoodharvestwasnotduetothegraceofGod，buttoskilledlabourandhardwork——adoctrinewhichsmeltofthefagot。
Andindeedhewaswrong，becausethefruitsoftheearthhaveneedbothofoneandtheother；buthediedinthisheresy，forhecouldneverunderstandhowcropscouldcomewithoutdigging，ifGodsowilledit——adoctrinethatlearnedmenhavesinceprovedtobetrue，byshowingthatformerlywheatgrewverywellwithouttheaidofman。
Icannotleavethissplendidmodelofapastorwithoutgivinghereoneoftheactsofhislife，whichproveswithwhatfervourheimitatedthesaintsinthedivisionoftheirgoodsandmantles，whichtheygaveformerlytothepoorandthepassers-by。Oneday，returningfromTours，wherehehadbeenpayinghisrespectstotheofficial，mountedonhismule，hewasnearingAzay。Ontheway，justoutsideBallan，hemetaprettygirlonfoot，andwasgrievedtoseeawomantravellinglikeadog；themoresoasshewasvisiblyfatigued，andcouldscarcelyraiseonefootbeforetheother。Hewhistledtohersoftly，andtheprettywenchturnedroundandstopped。Thegoodpriest，whowastoogoodasportsmantofrightenthebirds，especiallythehoodedones，beggedhersogentlytoridebehindhimonhismule，andinsopoliteafashion，thatthelassgotup；notwithoutmakingthoselittleexcusesandgrimacesthattheyallmakewhenoneinvitesthemtoeat，ortotakewhattheylike。Thesheeppairedoffwiththeshepherd，themulejoggedalongafterthefashionofmules，whilethegirlslippednowthiswaynowthat，ridingsouncomfortablythatthepriestpointedouttoher，afterleavingBallan，thatshehadbetterholdontohim；andimmediatelymyladyputherplumparmsaroundthewaistofhercavalier，inamodestandtimorousmanner。
“There，youdon\'tslipaboutnow。Areyoucomfortable？”saidthevicar。
“Yes，Iamcomfortable。Areyou？”
“I？”saidthepriest，“Iambetterthanthat。“
And，infact，hewasquiteathisease，andwassoongentlywarmedinthebackbytwoprojectionswhichrubbedagainstit，andatlastseemedasthoughtheywishedtoimprintthemselvesbetweenhisshoulderblades，whichwouldhavebeenapity，asthatwasnottheplaceforthiswhitemerchandise。Bydegreesthemovementofmulebroughtintoconjunctiontheinternalwarmthofthesetwogoodriders，andtheirbloodcoursedmorequicklythroughtheirveins，seeingthatitfeltthemotionofthemuleaswellastheirown；andthusthegoodwenchandthevicarfinishedbyknowingeachother\'sthoughts，butnotthoseofthemule。Whentheywerebothacclimatised，hewithherandshewithhim，theyfeltaninternaldisturbancewhichresolveditselfintosecretdesires。
“Ah！”saidthevicar，turningroundtohiscompanion，“hereisafineclusteroftreeswhichhasgrownverythick。“
“Itistooneartheroad，“repliedthegirl。“badboyshavecutthebranches，andthecowshaveeatentheyoungleaves。“
“Areyounotmarried？”askedthevicar，trottinghisanimalagain。
“No，“saidshe。
“Notatall？”
“I\'faith！No！”
“Whatashame，atyourage！”
“Youareright，sir；butyousee，apoorgirlwhohashadachildisabadbargain。“
Thenthegoodvicartakingpityonsuchignorance，andknowingthatthecanonssayamongotherthingsthatpastorsshouldindoctrinatetheirflockandshowthemthedutiesandresponsibilitiesofthislife，hethoughthewouldonlybedischargingthefunctionsofhisofficebyshowinghertheburdenshewouldhaveonedaytobear。Thenhebeggedhergentlynotbeafraid，forifshewouldhavefaithinhisloyaltynooneshouldeverknowofthemaritalexperimentwhichheproposedthenandtheretoperformwithher；andas，sincepassingBallanthegirlhadthoughtofnothingelse；asherdesirehadbeencarefullysustained，andaugmentedbythewarmmovementsoftheanimal，sherepliedharshlytothevicar，“ifyoutalkthusIwillgetdown。“ThenthegoodvicarcontinuedhisgentlerequestssowellthatonreachingthewoodofAzaythegirlwishedtogetdown，andthepriestgotdowntheretoo，foritwasnotacrossahorsethatthisdiscussioncouldbefinished。Thenthevirtuousmaidenranintothethickestpartofthewoodtogetawayfromthevicar，callingout，“Oh，youwickedman，youshan\'tknowwhereIam。“
Themulearrivedinagladewherethegrasswasgood，thegirltumbleddownoverarootandblushed。Thegoodvicarcametoher，andthereashehadrungthebellformasshewentthroughtheserviceforher，andbothfreelydiscountedthejoysofparadise。Thegoodpriesthaditinhishearttothoroughlyinstructher，andfoundhispupilverydocile，asgentleinmindassoftintheflesh，aperfectjewel。ThereforewashemuchaggrievedathavingsomuchabridgedthelessonsbygivingitatAzay，seeingthathewouldhavebeenquitewillingtorecommenceit，likeallofprecentorswhosaythesamethingoverandoveragaintotheirpupils。
“Ah！littleone，“criedthegoodman，“whydidyoumakesomuchfussthatweonlycametoanunderstandingclosetoAzay？”
“Ah！”saidshe，“IbelongtoBellan。“
Tobebrief，Imusttellyouthatwhenthisgoodmandiedinhisvicaragetherewasagreatnumberofpeople，childrenandothers，whocame，sorrowful，afflicted，weeping，andgrieved，andallexclaimed，“Ah！wehavelostourfather。“Andthegirls，thewidows，thewivesandlittlegirlslookedateachother，regrettinghimmorethanafriend，andsaid，“Hewasmorethanapriest，hewasaman！”Ofthesevicarstheseediscasttothewinds，andtheywillneverbereproducedinspiteoftheseminaries。
Why，eventhepoor，towhomhissavingswereleft，foundthemselvesstillthelosers，andanoldcripplewhomhehadsuccouredhobbledintothechurchyard，crying“Idon\'tdie！Idon\'t！”meaningtosay，“Whydidnotdeathtakemeinhisplace？”Thismadesomeofthepeoplelaugh，atwhichtheshadeofthegoodvicarwouldcertainlynothavebeendispleased。
THEREPROACH
ThefairlaundressofPortillon-les-Tours，ofwhomadrollsayinghasalreadybeengiveninthisbook，wasagirlblessedwithasmuchcunningasifshehadstolenthatofsixpriestsandthreewomenatleast。Shedidnotwantforsweethearts，andhadsomanythatonewouldhavecomparedthem，seeingthemaroundher，tobeesswarmingofaneveningtowardstheirhive。Anoldsilkdyer，wholivedintheRueSt。Montfumier，andtherepossessedahouseofscandalousmagnificence，comingfromhisplaceatLaGrenadiere，situatedonthefairbordersofSt。Cyr，passedonhorsebackthroughPortilloninordertogaintheBridgeofTours。Byreasonofthewarmthoftheevening，hewasseizedwithawilddesireonseeingtheprettywasherwomansittinguponherdoor-step。Nowasforaverylongtimehehaddreamedofthisprettymaid，hisresolutionwastakentomakeherhiswife，andinashorttimeshewastransformedfromawasherwomanintoadyer\'swife，agoodtownswoman，withlaces，finelinen，andfurnituretospare，andwashappyinspiteofthedyer，seeingthatsheknewverywellhowtomanagehim。Thegooddyerhadforacronyasilkmachinerymanufacturerwhowassmallinstature，deformedforlife，andfullofwickedness。Soonthewedding-dayhesaidtothedyer，“Youhavedonewelltomarry，myfriend，weshallhaveaprettywife！”；andathousandslyjokes，suchasitisusualtoaddresstoabridegroom。
Infact，thishunchbackcourtedthedyer\'swife，whofromhernature，caringlittleforbadlybuiltpeople，laughedtoscorntherequestofthemechanician，andjokedhimaboutthesprings，engines，andspoolsofwhichhisshopwasfull。However，thisgreatloveofthehunchbackwasrebuffedbynothing，andbecamesoirksometothedyer\'swifethatsheresolvedtocureitbyathousandpracticaljokes。Oneevening，afterthesempiternalpursuit，shetoldherlovertocometothebackdoorandtowardsmidnightshewouldopeneverythingtohim。Nownote，thiswasonawinter\'snight；theRueSt。MontfumierisclosetotheLoire，andinthiscornertherecontinuallyblowinwinter，windssharpasahundredneedle-points。Thegoodhunchback，wellmuffledupinhismantle，failednottocome，andtrottedupanddowntokeephimselfwarmwhilewaitingfortheappointedhour。Towardsmidnighthewashalffrozen，asfidgetyasthirty-twodevilscaughtinastole，andwasabouttogiveuphishappiness，whenafeeblelightpassedbythecracksofthewindowandcamedowntowardsthelittledoor。
“Ah，itisshe！”saidhe。
Andthishopewarnedhimoncemore。Thenhegotclosetothedoor，andheardalittlevoice——
“Areyouthere？”saidthedyer\'swifetohim。
“Yes。“
“Cough，thatImaysee。“
Thehunchbackbegantocough。
“Itisnotyou。“
Thenthehunchbacksaidaloud——
“Howdoyoumean，itisnotI？Doyounotrecognisemyvoice？Openthedoor！”
“Who\'sthere？”saidthedyer，openingthewindow。
“There，youhaveawakenedmyhusband，whoreturnedfromAmboiseunexpectedlythisevening。“
Thereuponthedyer，seeingbythelightofthemoonamanatthedoor，threwabigpotofcoldwateroverhim，andcriedout，“Thieves！
thieves！”insuchamannerthatthehunchbackwasforcedtorunaway；
butinhisfearhefailedtoclearthechainstretchedacrossthebottomoftheroadandfellintothecommonsewer，whichthesheriffhadnotthenreplacedbyasluicetodischargethemudintotheLoire。
Inthisbaththemechanicianexpectedeverymomenttobreathehislast，andcursedthefairTascherette，forherhusband\'snamebeingTaschereau，shewassocalledbywayofalittlejokebythepeopleofTours。
Carandas——forsowasnamedthemanufacturerofmachinestoweave，tospin，tospool，andtowindthesilk——wasnotsufficientlysmittentobelieveintheinnocenceofthedyer\'swife，andsworeadevilishhateagainsther。Butsomedaysafterwards，whenhehadrecoveredfromhiswettinginthedyer\'sdrainhecameuptosupwithhisoldcomrade。
Thenthedyer\'swifereasonedwithhimsowell，flavouredherwordswithsomuchhoney，andwheedledhimwithsomanyfairpromises，thathedismissedhissuspicions。
Heaskedforafreshassignation，andthefairTascherettewiththefaceofawomanwhosemindisdwellingonasubject，saidtohim，“Cometomorrowevening；myhusbandwillbestayingsomedaysatChinonceaux。Thequeenwishestohavesomeofherolddressesdyedandwouldsettlethecolourswithhim。Itwilltakesometime。“
Carandasputonhisbestclothes，failednottokeeptheappointment，appearedatthetimefixed，andfoundagoodsupperprepared，lampreys，wineofVouvray，finewhitenapkins——foritwasnotnecessarytoremonstratewiththedyer\'swifeonthecolourofherlinen——andeverythingsowellpreparedthatitwasquitepleasanttohimtoseethedishesoffresheels，tosmellthegoododourofthemeats，andtoadmireathousandlittlenamelessthingsabouttheroom，andLaTascherettefreshandappetisingasanappleonahotday。Now，themechanician，excitedtoexcessbythesewarmpreparations，wasonthepointofattackingthecharmsofthedyer\'swife，whenMasterTaschereaugavealoudknockatthestreetdoor。
“Ha！”saidmadame，“whathashappened？Putyourselfintheclotheschest，forIhavebeenmuchabusedrespectingyou；andifmyhusbandfindsyou，hemayundoyou；heissoviolentinhistemper。“
Andimmediatelyshethrustthehunchbackintothechest，andwentquicklytohergoodhusband，whomsheknewwellwouldbebackfromChinonceauxtosupper。Thenthedyerwaskissedwarmlyonbothhiseyesandonbothhisearsandhecaughthisgoodwifetohimandbestoweduponhertwoheartysmackswithhislipsthatsoundedallovertheroom。Thenthepairsatdowntosupper，talkedtogetherandfinishedbygoingtobed；andthemechanicianheardall，thoughobligedtoremaincrumpledup，andnottocoughortomakeasinglemovement。Hewasinwiththelinen，crushedupascloseasasardineinabox，andhadaboutasmuchairashewouldhavehadatthebottomofariver；buthehad，todiverthim，themusicoflove，thesighsofthedyer，andthelittlejokesofLaTascherette。Atlast，whenhefanciedhisoldcomradewasasleep，hemadeanattempttogetoutofthechest。
“Whoisthere？”saidthedyer。
“Whatisthemattermylittleone？”saidhiswife，liftinghernoseabovethecounterpane。
“Iheardascratching，“saidthegoodman。
“Weshallhaverainto-morrow；it\'sthecat，“repliedhiswife。
Thegoodhusbandputhisheadbackuponthepillowafterhavingbeengentlyembracedbyhisspouse。“There，mydear，youarealightsleeper。It\'snogoodtryingtomakeaproperhusbandofyou。There，begood。Oh！oh！mylittlepapa，yournightcapisononeside。There，putitontheotherway，foryoumustlookprettyevenwhenyouareasleep。There！areyouallright？”
“Yes。“
“Areyousleep？”saidshe，givinghimakiss。
“Yes。“
Inthemorningthedyer\'swifecamesoftlyandletoutthemechanician，whowaswhiterthanaghost。
“Givemeair，givemeair！”saidhe。
Andawayherancuredofhislove，butwithasmuchhateinhisheartasapocketcouldholdofblackwheat。ThesaidhunchbackleftToursandwenttoliveinthetownofBruges，wherecertainmerchantshadsentforhimtoarrangethemachineryformakinghauberks。
Duringhislongabsence，Carandas，whohadMoorishbloodinhisveins，sincehewasdescendedfromanancientSaracenlefthalfdeadafterthegreatbattlewhichtookplacebetweentheMoorsandtheFrenchinthecommuneofBellanwhichismentionedintheprecedingtale，inwhichplacearetheLandesofCharlemagne，wherenothinggrowsbecauseofthecursedwretchesandinfidelsthereinterred，andwherethegrassdisagreesevenwiththecows——thisCarandasneverroseuporlaydowninaforeignlandwithoutthinkingofhowhecouldgivestrengthtohisdesiresofvengeance；andhewasdreamingalwaysofit，andwishingnothinglessthanthedeathofthefairwasherwomanofPortillonandoftenwouldcryout“Iwilleatherflesh！Iwillcookoneofherbreasts，andswallowitwithoutsauce！”Itwasatremendoushateofgoodconstitution——acardinalhate——ahateofawasporanoldmaid。Itwasallknownhatesmouldedintoonesinglehate，whichboileditself，concocteditself，andresolvedselfintoanelixirofwickedanddiabolicalsentiments，warmedatthefireofthemostflamingfurnacesofhell——itwas，infact，amasterhate。
Nowonefineday，thesaidCarandascamebackintoTourainewithmuchwealth，thathebroughtfromthecountryofFlanders，wherehehadsoldhismechanicalsecrets。HeboughtasplendidhouseinRueSt。
Montfumier，whichisstilltobeseen，andistheastonishmentofthepassers-by，becauseithascertainveryqueerroundhumpsfashioneduponthestonesofthewall。Carandas，thehater，foundmanynotablechangesatthehouseofhisfriend，thedyer，forthegoodmanhadtwosweetchildren，who，byacuriouschance，presentednoresemblanceeithertothemotherortothefather。Butasitisnecessarythatchildrenbeararesemblancetosomeone，therearecertainpeoplewholookforthefeaturesoftheirancestors，whentheyaregood-looking——theflatters。Soitwasfoundbythegoodhusbandthathistwoboyswerelikeoneofhisuncles，formerlyapriestatNotreDamedel\'Egrignolles，butaccordingtocertainjokers，thesetwochildrenwerethelivingportraitsofagood-lookingshavencrownofficiatingintheChurchofNotreDamelaRiche，acelebratedparishsituatedbetweenToursandPlessis。Now，believeonething，andinculcateituponyourminds，andwheninthisbookyoushallonlyhavegleaned，gathered，extracted，andlearnedthisoneprincipleoftruth，lookuponyourselfasaluckyman——namely，thatamancanneverdispensewithhisnose，idest，thatamanwillalwaysbesnotty——thatistosay，hewillremainaman，andthuswillcontinuethroughoutallfuturecenturiestolaughanddrink，tofindhimselfinhisshirtwithoutfeelingeitherbetterorworsethere，andwillhavethesameoccupations。Butthesepreparatoryideasaretobettertofixintheunderstandingthatthistwo-footedsoulwillalwaysacceptastruethosethingswhichflatterhispassions，caresshishates，orservehisamours：fromthiscomeslogic。Soitwasthat，thefirstdaytheabove-mentionedCarandassawhisoldcomrade\'schildren，sawthehandsomepriest，sawthebeautifulwifeofthedyer，sawLaTaschereau，allseatedatthetable，andsawtohisdetrimentthebestpieceoflampreygivenwithacertainairbyLaTascherettetoherfriendthepriest，themechaniciansaidtohimself，“Myoldfriendisacuckold，hiswifeintrigueswiththelittleconfessor，andthechildrenhavebeenbegottenwithhisholywater。I\'llshowthemthatthehunchbackshavesomethingmorethanothermen。“
Andthiswastrue——trueasitisthatTourshasalwayshaditsfeetintheLoire，likeaprettygirlwhobathesherselfandplayswiththewater，makingaflick-flack，bybeatingthewaveswithherfairwhitehands；forthetownismoresmiling，merry，loving，fresh，flowery，andfragrantthanalltheothertownsoftheworld，whicharenotworthytocombherlocksortobuckleherwaistband。Andbesureifyougothereyouwillfind，inthecentreofit，asweetplace，inwhichisadeliciousstreetwhereeveryonepromenades，wherethereisalwaysabreeze，shade，sun，rain，andlove。Ha！ha！laughaway，butgothere。Itisastreetalwaysnew，alwaysroyal，alwaysimperial——apatrioticstreet，astreetwithtwopaths，astreetopenatbothends，awidestreet，astreetsolargethatnoonehasevercried，“Outoftheway！”there。Astreetwhichdoesnotwearout，astreetwhichleadstotheabbeyofGrand-mont，andtoatrench，whichworksverywellwiththebridge，andattheendofwhichisafinerfairground。
Astreetwellpaved，wellbuilt，wellwashed，ascleanasaglass，populous，silentatcertaintimes，acoquettewithasweetnightcaponitsprettybluetiles——tobeshort，itisthestreetwhereIwasborn；
itisthequeenofstreets，alwaysbetweentheearthandsky；astreetwithafountain；astreetwhichlacksnothingtobecelebratedamongstreets；and，infact，itistherealstreet，theonlystreetofTours。Ifthereareothers，theyaredark，muddy，narrow，anddamp，andallcomerespectfullytosalutethisnoblestreet，whichcommandsthem。WhereamI？Foronceinthisstreetnoonecarestocomeoutofit，sopleasantitis。ButIowedthisfilialhomage，thisdescriptivehymnsungfromthehearttomynatalstreet，atthecornersofwhichtherearewantingonlythebravefiguresofmygoodmasterRabelais，andofMonsieurDescartes，bothunknowntothepeopleofthecountry。
Toresume：thesaidCarandaswas，onhisreturnfromFlanders，entertainedbyhiscomrade，andbyallthosebywhomhewaslikedforhisjokes，hisdrollery，andquaintremarks。Thegoodhunchbackappearedcuredofhisoldlove，embracedthechildren，andwhenhewasalonewiththedyer\'swife，recalledthenightintheclothes-chest，andthenightinthesewer，tohermemory，sayingtoher，“Ha，ha！
whatgamesyouusedtohavewithme。“
“Itwasyourownfault，“saidshe，laughing。“Ifyouhadallowedyourselfbyreasonofyourgreatlovetoberidiculed，madeafoolof，andbanteredafewmoretimes，youmighthavemadeanimpressiononme，liketheothers。“ThereuponCarandascommencedtolaugh，thoughinwardlyragingallthetime。Seeingthechestwherehehadnearlybeensuffocated，hisangerincreasedthemoreviolentlybecausethesweetcreaturehadbecomestillmorebeautiful，likeallthosewhoarepermanentlyyouthfulfrombathinginthewaterofyouth，whichwatersarenaughtlessthanthesourcesoflove。Themechanicianstudiedtheproceedingsinthewayofcuckoldomathisneighbour\'shouse，inordertorevengehimself，forasmanyhousesastherearesomanyvarietiesofmannerarethereinthisbusiness；andalthoughallamoursresembleeachotherinthesamemannerthatallmenresembleeachother，itisprovedtotheabstractorsoftruethings，thatforthehappinessofwomen，eachlovehasitsespecialphysiognomy，andifthereisnothingthatresemblesamansomuchasaman，thereisalsonothingdiffersfromamansomuchasaman。Thatitis，whichconfusesallthings，orexplainsthethousandfanciesofwomen，whoseekthebestmenwithathousandpainsandathousandpleasures，perhapsmoretheonethantheother。ButhowcanIblamethemfortheiressays，changes，andcontradictoryaims？Why，Naturefrisksandwriggles，twistsandturnsabout，andyouexpectawomantoremainstill！Doyouknowificeisreallycold？No。Wellthen，neitherdoyouknowthatcuckoldomisnotaluckychance，theproduceofbrainswellfurnishedandbettermadethanalltheothers。Seeksomethingbetterthanventositybeneaththesky。Thiswillhelptospreadthephilosophicreputationofthiseccentricbook。Ohyes；goon。Hewhocries“verminpowder，“ismoreadvancedthanthosewhooccupythemselveswithNature，seeingthatsheisaproudjadeandacapriciousone，andonlyallowsherselftobeseenatcertaintimes。Doyouunderstand？Soinalllanguagesdoesshebelongtothefemininegender，beingathingessentiallychangeableandfruitfulandfertileintricks。
NowCarandassoonrecognisedthefactthatamongcuckoldomsthebestunderstoodandthemostdiscreetisecclesiasticalcuckoldom。Thisishowthegooddyer\'swifehadlaidherplans。ShewentalwaystowardshercottageatGrenadiere-les-St-CyrontheeveoftheSabbath，leavinghergoodhusbandtofinishhiswork，tocountupandcheckhisbooks，andtopayhisworkmen；thenTaschereauwouldjoinherthereonthemorrow，andalwaysfoundagoodbreakfastreadyandhisgoodwifegay，andalwaysbroughtthepriestwithhim。Thefactis，thisdamnablepriestcrossedtheLoirethenightbeforeinasmallboat，inordertokeepthedyer\'swifewarm，andtocalmherfancies，inorderthatshemightsleepwellduringthenight，adutywhichyoungmenunderstandverywell。ThenthisfinecurberofphantasiesgotbacktohishouseinthemorningbythetimeTaschereaucametoinvitehimtospendthedayatLaGrenadiere，andthecuckoldalwaysfoundthepriestasleepinhisbed。Theboatmanbeingwellpaid，nooneknewanythingofthesegoingson，fortheloverjourneyedthenightbeforeafternightfall，andontheSundayintheearlymorning。AssoonasCarandashadverifiedthearrangementandconstantpracticeofthesegallantdiversions，hedeterminedtowaitforadaywhentheloverswouldmeet，hungryonefortheother，aftersomeaccidentalabstinence。Thismeetingtookplaceverysoon，andthecurioushunchbacksawtheboatmanwaitingbelowthesquare，attheCanalSt。
Antoine，fortheyoungpriest，whowashandsome，blonde，slender，andwell-shaped，likethegallantandcowardlyherooflove，socelebratedbyMonsieurAriosto。Thenthemechanicianwenttofindtheolddyer，whoalwayslovedhiswifeandalwaysbelievedhimselftheonlymanwhohadafingerinherpie。
“Ah！，goodevening，oldfriend，“saidCarandastoTaschereau；andTaschereaumadehimabow。
Thenthemechanicianrelatestohimallthesecretfestivalsoflove，vomitswordsofpeculiarimport，andpricksthedyeronallsides。
Atlength，seeinghewasreadytokillbothhiswifeandthepriest，Carandassaidtohim，“Mygoodneighbour，IhadbroughtbackfromFlandersapoisonedsword，whichwillinstantlykillanyone，ifitonlymakeascratchuponhim。Now，directlyyoushallhavemerelytouchedyourwenchandherparamour，theywilldie。“
“Letusgoandfetchit，“saidthedyer。
Thenthetwomerchantswentingreathastetothehouseofthehunchback，togettheswordandrushofftothecountry。
“Butshallwefindtheminflagrantedelicto？”askedTaschereau。
“Youwillsee，“saidthehunchback，jeeringhisfriend。Infact，thecuckoldhadnotlongtowaittobeholdthejoyofthetwolovers。
Thesweetwenchandherwell-belovedwerebusytryingtocatch，inacertainlakethatyouprobablyknow，thatlittlebirdthatsometimesmakeshisnestthere，andtheywerelaughingandtrying，andstilllaughing。
“Ah，mydarling！”saidshe，claspinghim，asthoughshewishedtomakeanoutlineofhimonherchest，“IlovetheesomuchIshouldliketoeatthee！Nay，morethanthat，tohaveyouinmyskin，sothatyoumightneverquitme。“
“Ishouldlikeittoo，“repliedthepriest，“butasyoucan\'thavemealtogether，youmusttryalittlebitatatime。“
Itwasatthismomentthatthehusbandentered，heswordunsheathedandflourishedabovehim。ThebeautifulTascherette，whoknewherlord\'sfacewell，sawwhatwouldbethefateofherwell-belovedthepriest。Butsuddenlyshesprangtowardsthegoodman，halfnaked，herhairstreamingoverher，beautifulwithshame，butmorebeautifulwithlove，andcriedtohim，“Stay，unhappyman！Wouldstthoukillthefatherofthychildren？”
Thereuponthegooddyerstaggeredbythepaternalmajestyofcuckoldom，andperhapsalsobythefireofhiswife\'seyes，lettheswordfalluponthefootofthehunchback，whohadfollowedhim，andthuskilledhim。
Thisteachesusnottobespiteful。
EPILOGUE
HereendeththefirstseriesoftheseTales，aroguishsampleoftheworksofthatmerryMuse，bornagesago，inourfairlandofTouraine，thewhichMuseisagoodwench，andknowsbyheartthatfinesayingofherfriendVerville，writteninLEMOYENDEPARVENIR：Itisonlynecessarytobeboldtoobtainfavours。Alas！madlittleone，gettheetobedagain，sleep；thouartpantingfromthyjourney；perhapsthouhastbeenfurtherthanthepresenttime。Nowdrythyfairnakedfeet，stopthineears，andreturntolove。Ifthoudreamestotherpoesyinterwovenwithlaughtertoconcludethesemerryinventions，heednotthefoolishclamourandinsultsofthosewho，hearingthecarolofajoyouslarkofotherdays，exclaim：Ah，thehorridbird！
ENDOFTHEFIRSTTENTALES。
EndDrollStories[V。2]
byHonoredeBalzacCOLLECTEDFROMTHEABBEYSOFTOURAINE
VOLUMEII：THESECONDTENTALES
CONTENTS
THESECONDTENTALES
PROLOGUE
THETHREECLERKSOFSAINTNICHOLAS
THECONTINENCEOFKINGFRANCISTHEFIRST
THEMERRYTATTLEOFTHENUNSOFPOISSY
HOWTHECHATEAUD\'AZAYCAMETOBEBUILT
THEFALSECOURTESAN
THEDANGEROFBEINGTOOINNOCENT
THEDEARNIGHTOFLOVE
THESERMONOFTHEMERRYVICAROFMEUDON
THESUCCUBUS
DESPAIRINLOVE
EPILOGUE
SECONDTENTALES
PROLOGUE
CertainpersonshavereproachedtheAuthorforknowingnomoreaboutthelanguageoftheoldentimesthanharesdooftellingstories。
Formerlythesepeoplewouldhavebeenvilified，calledcannibals，churls，andsycophants，andGomorrahwouldhavebeenhintedatastheirnatalplace。ButtheAuthorconsentstosparethemthefloweryepithetsofancientcriticism；hecontentshimselfwithwishingnottobeintheirskin，forhewouldbedisgustedwithhimself，andesteemhimselfthevilestofscribblersthustocalumniateapoorlittlebookwhichisnotinthestyleofanyspoil-paperofthesetimes。Ah！ill-
naturedwretches！youshouldsaveyourbreathtocoolyourownporridge！TheAuthorconsoleshimselfforhiswantofsuccessinnotpleasingeveryonebyrememberingthatanoldTourainian，ofeternalmemory，hadputupwithsuchcontumely，thatlosingallpatience，hedeclaredinoneofhisprologues，thathewouldnevermoreputpentopaper。Anotherage，butthesamemanners。Nothingchanges，neitherGodabovenormenbelow。ThereuponoftheAuthorcontinueshistaskwithalightheart，relyinguponthefuturetorewardhisheavylabours。
Andcertes，itisahardtasktoinventAHUNDREDDROLLTALES，sincenotonlyhaveruffiansandenviousmenopenedfireuponhim，buthisfriendshaveimitatedtheirexample，andcometohimsaying“Areyoumad？Doyouthinkitispossible？Nomaneverhadinthedepthsofhisimaginationahundredsuchtales。Changethehyperbolictitleofyourbudget。Youwillneverfinishit。“Thesepeopleareneithermisanthropesnorcannibals；whethertheyareruffiansIknownot；butforcertaintheyarekind，good-naturedfriends；friendswhohavethecouragetotellyoudisagreeablethingsallyourlifealong，whoareroughandsharpascurrycombs，underthepretencethattheyareyourstocommand，inallthemishapsoflife，andinthehourofextremeunction，alltheirworthwillbeknown。Ifsuchpeoplewouldonlykeepthesesadkindnesses；buttheywillnot。Whentheirterrorsareprovedtohavebeenidle，theyexclaimedtriumphantly，“Ha！ha！Iknewit。I
alwayssaidso。“
Inordernottodiscouragefinesentiments，intolerablethoughtheybe，theAuthorleavestohisfriendshisoldshoes，andinordertomaketheirmindseasy，assuresthemthathehas，legallyprotectedandexemptfromseizure，seventydrollstories，inthatreservoirofnature，hisbrain。Bythegods！theyarepreciousyarns，wellriggedoutwithphrases，carefullyfurnishedwithcatastrophes，amplyclothedwithoriginalhumour，richindiurnalandnocturnaleffects，norlackingthatplotwhichthehumanracehaswoveneachminute，eachhour，eachweek，month，andyearofthegreatecclesiasticalcomputation，commencedatatimewhenthesuncouldscarcelysee，andthemoonwaitedtobeshownherway。Theseseventysubjects，whichhegivesyouleavetocallbadsubjects，fulloftricksandimpudence，lust，lies，jokes，jests，andribaldry，joinedtothetwoportionsheregiven，are，bytheprophet！asmallinstalmentontheaforesaidhundred。
Wereitnotabadtimeforabibliopolists，bibliomaniacs，bibliographers，andbibliothequeswhichhinderbibliolatry，hewouldhavegiventheminabumper，andnotdropbydropasifhewereafflictedwithdysuryofthebrain。Hecannotpossiblybesuspectedofthisinfirmity，sinceheoftengivesgoodweight，puttingseveralstoriesintoone，asisclearlydemonstratedbyseveralinthisvolume。Youmayrelyonit，thathehaschosenforthefinish，thebestandmostribaldofthelot，inorderthathemaynotbeaccusedofasenilediscourse。Putthenmorelikeswithyourdislikes，anddislikeswithyourlikes。Forgettingtheniggardlybehaviourofnaturetostory-tellers，ofwhomtherearenotmorethansevenperfectinthegreatoceanofhumanwriters，others，althoughfriendly，havebeenofopinionthat，atatimewheneveryonewentaboutdressedinblack，asifinmourningforsomething，itwasnecessarytoconcoctworkseitherwearisomelyseriousorseriouslywearisome；thatawritercouldonlylivehenceforwardbyenshrininghisideasinsomevastedifice，andthatthosewhowereunabletoconstructcathedralsandcastlesofwhichneitherstonenorcementcouldbemoved，woulddieunknown，likethePope\'sslippers。Thefriendswererequestedtodeclarewhichtheylikedbest，apintofgoodwine，oratunofcheaprubbish；adiamondoftwenty-twocarats，oraflintstoneweighingahundredpounds；theringofHansCarvel，astoldbyRabelais，oramodernnarrativepitifullyexpectoratedbyaschoolboy。Seeingthemdumbfoundedandabashed，itwascalmlysaidtothem，“Doyouthoroughlyunderstand，goodpeople？Thengoyourwaysandmindyourownbusinesses。“
Thefollowing，however，mustbeadded，forthebenefitofallofwhomitmayconcern：——Thegoodmantowhomweowefablesandstoriesofsempiternalauthorityonlyusedhistoolonthem，havingtakenhismaterialfromothers；buttheworkmanshipexpendedontheselittlefigureshasgiventhemahighvalue；andalthoughhewas，likeM。
LouisAriosto，vituperatedforthinkingofidlepranksandtrifles，thereisacertaininsectengravedbyhimwhichhassincebecomeamonumentofperennitymoreassuredthanthatofthemostsolidlybuiltworks。IntheespecialjurisprudenceofwitandwisdomthecustomistostealmoredearlyaleafwrestedfromthebookofNatureandTruth，thanalltheindifferentvolumesfromwhich，howeverfinetheybe，itisimpossibletoextracteitheralaughoratear。Theauthorhaslicencetosaythiswithoutanyimpropriety，sinceitisnothisintentiontostandupontiptoeinordertoobtainanunnaturalheight，butbecauseitisaquestionofthemajestyofhisart，andnotofhimself——apoorclerkofthecourt，whosebusinessitistohaveinkinhispen，tolistentothegentlemanonthebench，andtakedownthesayingsofeachwitnessinthiscase。Heisresponsibleforworkmanship，Naturefortherest，sincefromtheVenusofPhidiastheAthenian，downtothelittleoldfellow，Godenot，commonlycalledtheSieurBreloque，acharactercarefullyelaboratedbyoneofthemostcelebratedauthorsofthepresentday，everythingisstudiedfromtheeternalmodelofhumanimitationswhichbelongstoall。Atthishonestbusiness，happyaretherobbersthattheyarenothanged，butesteemedandbeloved。Butheisatriplefool，afoolwithtenhornsonhishead，whostruts，boasts，andispuffedupatanadvantageduetothehazardofdispositions，becausegloryliesonlyinthecultivationofthefaculties，inpatienceandcourage。
Asforthesoft-voicedandpretty-mouthedones，whohavewhispereddelicatelyintheauthor\'sear，complainingtohimthattheyhavedisarrangedtheirtressesandspoiledtheirpetticoatsincertainplaces，hewouldsaytothem，“Whydidyougothere？”Totheseremarksheiscompelled，throughthenotableslandersofcertainpeople，toaddanoticetothewell-disposed，inorderthattheymayuseit，andendthecalumniesoftheaforesaidscribblersconcerninghim。
Thesedrolltalesarewritten——accordingtoallauthorities——atthatperiodwhenQueenCatherine，ofthehouseofMedici，washardatwork；
for，duringagreatportionofthereign，shewasalwaysinterferingwithpublicaffairstotheadvantageofourholyreligion。Thewhichtimehasseizedmanypeoplebythethroat，fromourdefunctMasterFrancis，firstofthatname，totheAssemblyatBlois，wherefellM。
deGuise。Now，evenschoolboyswhoplayatchuck-farthing，knowthatatthisperiodofinsurrection，pacificationsanddisturbances，thelanguageofFrancewasalittledisturbedalso，onaccountoftheinventionsofthepoets，whoatthattime，asatthis，usedeachtomakealanguageforhimself，besidesthestrangeGreek，Latin，Italian，German，andSwisswords，foreignphrases，andSpanishjargon，introducedbyforeigners，sothatapoorwriterhasplentyofelbowroominthisBabelishlanguage，whichhassincebeentakeninhandbyMessieursdeBalzac，BlaisePascal，Furetiere，Menage，St。Evremonde，deMalherbe，andothers，whofirstcleanedouttheFrenchlanguage，sentforeignwordstotherightabout，andgavetherightofcitizenshiptolegitimatewordsusedandknownbyeveryone，butofwhichtheSieurRonsardwasashamed。
Havingfinished，theauthorreturnstohislady-love，wishingeveryhappinesstothosebywhomheisbeloved；totheothersmisfortuneaccordingtotheirdeserts。Whentheswallowsflyhomeward，hewillcomeagain，notwithoutthethirdandfourthvolume，whichheherepromisestothePantagruelists，merryknaves，andhonestwagsofalldegrees，whohaveawholesomehorrorofthesadness，sombremeditationandmelancholyofliterarycroakers。