Thegrandprovostofthehotelwasnotlongbeforeheappeared；andasthesegentlemenwereallnobodies，raisedtotheirpresentpositionbythefavouroftheking，Louis，inamomentofanger，couldcrushthematwill；sothatwiththeexceptionofthecardinalwhorelieduponhiscassock，Tristanfoundthemallrigidandaghast。
“ConductthesegentlemantothePretorium，ontheMall，myfriend，theyhavedisgracedthemselvesthroughover-eating。“
“AmInotgoodatjokes？”saidNicoletohim。
“Thefarceisgood，butitisfetid，“repliedhe，laughing。
Thisroyalanswershowedthecourtiersthatthistimethekingdidnotintendtoplaywiththeirheads，forwhichtheythankedheaven。Themonarchwaspartialtothesedirtytricks。Hewasnotatallabadfellow，astheguestsremarkedwhilerelievingthemselvesagainstthesideoftheMallwithTristan，who，likeagoodFrenchman，keptthemcompany，andescortedthemtotheirhomes。ThisiswhysincethattimethecitizensofTourshadneverfailedtodefiletheMallofChardonneret，becausethegentlemenofthecourthadbeenthere。
IwillnotleavethisgreatkingwithoutcommittingtowritingthisgoodjokewhichheplayeduponLaGodegrand，whowasanoldmaid，muchdisgustedthatshehadnot，duringthefortyyearsshehadlived，beenabletofindalidtohersaucepan，enraged，inheryellowskin，thatshestillwasasvirginasamule。ThisoldmaidhadherapartmentsontheothersideofthehousewhichbelongedtoLaBeaupertuys，atthecorneroftheRuedeHierusalem，insuchapositionthat，standingonthebalconyjoiningthewall，itwaseasytoseewhatshewasdoing，andhearwhatshewassayinginthelowerroomwhereshelived；andoftenthekingderivedmuchamusementfromtheanticsoftheoldgirl，whodidnotknowthatshewassomuchwithintherangeofhismajesty\'sculverin。NowonemarketdayithappenedthatthekinghadcausedtobehangedayoungcitizenofTours，whohadviolatedanobleladyofacertainage，believingthatshewasayoungmaiden。Therewouldhavebeennoharminthis，anditwouldhavebeenathinggreatlytothecreditofthesaidladytohavebeentakenforavirgin；butonfindingouthismistake，hehadabominablyinsultedher，andsuspectingheroftrickery，hadtakenitintohisheadtorobherofasplendidsilvergoblet，inpaymentofthepresenthehadjustmadeher。Thisyoungmanhadlonghair，andwassohandsomethatthewholetownwishedtoseehimhanged，bothfromregretandoutofcuriosity。Youmaybesurethatatthishangingthereweremorecapsthanhats。Indeed，thesaidyoungmanswungverywell；andafterthefashionandcustomofpersonshanged，hediedgallantlywithhislancecouched，whichfactmadeagreatnoiseinthetown。Manyladiessaidonthissubjectthatitwasamurdernottohavepreservedsofineafellowfromthescaffold。
“SupposeweweretoputthishandsomecorpseinthebedofLaGodegrand，“saidLaBeaupertuystotheking。
“Weshouldterrifyher，“repliedLouis。
“Notatall，sire。Besurethatshewillwelcomeevenadeadman，somadlydoesshelongforalivingone。YesterdayIsawhermakinglovetoayoungman\'scapplacedonthetopofachair，andyouwouldhavelaughedheartilyatherwordsandgestures。“
Nowwhilethisforty-year-oldvirginwasatvespers，thekingsenttohavethisyoungtownsman，whohadjustfinishedthelastsceneofhistragicfarce，takendown，andhavingdressedhiminawhiteshirt，twoofficersgotoverthewallsofLaGodegrand\'sgarden，andputthecorpseintoherbed，onthesidenearestthestreet。Havingdonethistheywentaway，andthekingremainedintheroomwiththebalconytoit，playingwithBeaupertuys，andawaitinganhouratwhichtheoldmaidshouldgotobed。LaGodegrandsooncamebackwithahop，skip，andjump，astheTourainianssay，fromthechurchofStMartin，fromwhichshewasnotfar，sincetheRuedeHierusalemtouchesthewallsofthecloister。Sheenteredherhouse，laiddownherprayer-book，chaplet，androsary，andotherammunitionwhichtheseoldgirlscarry，thenpokedthefire，andblewit，warmedherselfatit，settledherselfinherchair，andplayedwithhercatforwantofsomethingbetter；thenshewenttothelarder，suppingandsighing，andsighingandsupping，eatingalone，withhereyescastdownuponthecarpet；
andafterhavingdrunk，behavedinamannerforbiddenincourtsociety。
“Ah！”thecorpsesaidtoher，\'Godblessyou！\'“
AtthisjokeofluckofLaBeaupertuys，bothlaughedheartilyintheirsleeves。AndwithgreatattentionthisveryChristiankingwatchedtheundressingoftheoldmaid，whoadmiredherselfwhileremovingherthings——pullingoutahair，orscratchingapimplewhichhadmaliciouslycomeuponhernose；pickingherteeth，anddoingathousandlittlethingswhich，alas！allladies，virginsornot，areobligedtodo，muchtotheirannoyance；butwithouttheselittlefaultsofnature，theywouldbetooproud，andonewouldnotbeabletoenjoytheirsociety。Havingachievedheraquaticandmusicaldiscourse，theoldmaidgotinbetweenthesheets，andyelledforthafine，great，ample，andcuriouscry，whenshesaw，whenshesmeltthefreshvigourofthishangedmanandthesweetperfumeofhismanlyyouth；thensprangawayfromhimoutofcoquetry。Butasshedidnotknowhewasreallydead，shecamebackagain，believinghewasmockingher，andcounterfeitingdeath。
“Goaway，youbadyoungman！”saidshe。
Butyoucanimaginethatsheprofferedthisrequestsinamosthumbleandgracioustoneofvoice。Thenseeingthathedidnotmove，sheexaminedhimmoreclosely，andwasmuchastonishedatthissofinehumannaturewhensherecognisedtheyoungfellow，uponwhomthefancytookhertoperformsomepurelyscientificexperimentsintheinterestsofhangedpersons。
“Whatisshedoing？”saidLaBeaupertuystotheking。
“Sheistryingtoreanimatehim。ItisaworkofChristianhumanity。“
Andtheoldgirlrubbedandwarmedthisfineyoungman，supplicatingholyMarytheEgyptiantoaidhertorenewthelifeofthishusbandwhohadfallensoamorouslyfromheaven，when，suddenlylookingatthedeadbodyshewassocharitablyrubbing，shethoughtshesawaslightmovementintheeyes；thensheputherhandupontheman\'sheart，andfeltitbeatfeebly。Atlength，fromthewarmthofthebedandofaffection，andbythetemperatureofoldmaids，whichisbyfarmoreburningthenthewarmblastsofAfricandeserts，shehadthedelightofbringingtolifethatfinehandsomeyoungfellowwhobyluckychancehadbeenverybadlyhanged。
“Seehowmyexecutionersserveme！”saidLouis，laughing。
“Ah！”saidLaBeaupertuys，“youwillnothavehimhangedagain？heistoohandsome。“
“Thedecreedoesnotsaythatheshallbehangedtwice，butheshallmarrytheoldwoman。“
Indeed，thegoodladywentinagreathurrytoseekamasterleech，agoodbleeder，wholivedintheAbbey，andbroughthimbackdirectly。
Heimmediatelytookhislancet，andbledtheyoungman。Andasnobloodcameout：“Ah！”saidhe，“itistoolate，thetransshipmentofbloodinthelungshastakenplace。“
Butsuddenlythisgoodyoungbloodoozedoutalittle，andthencameoutinabundance，andthehempenapoplexy，whichhadonlyjustbegun，wasarrestedinitscourse。Theyoungmanmovedandcamemoretolife；
thenhefell，fromnaturalcauses，intoastateofgreatweaknessandprofoundsadness，prostrationoffleshandgeneralflabbiness。Nowtheoldmaid，whowasalleyes，andfollowedthegreatandnotablechangeswhichweretakingplaceinthepersonofthisbadlyhangedman，pulledthesurgeonbythesleeve，andpointingouttohim，byacuriousglanceoftheeye，thepiteouscause，saidtohim——
“Willheforthefuturebealwayslikethat？”
“Often，“repliedtheveracioussurgeon。
“Oh！hewasmuchnicerhanged！”
Atthisspeechthekingburstoutlaughing。Seeinghimatthewindow，thewomanandthesurgeonweremuchfrightened，forthislaughseemedtothemasecondsentenceofdeathfortheirpoorvictim。Butthekingkepthisword，andmarriedthem。AndinordertodojusticehegavethehusbandthenameoftheSieurdeMortsaufintheplaceoftheonehehadlostuponthescaffold。AsLaGodegrandhadaverybigbasketofcrowns，theyfoundedagoodfamilyinTouraine，whichstillexistsandismuchrespected，sinceM。deMortsauffaithfullyservedLouistheEleventhondifferentoccasions。Onlyheneverlikedtocomeacrossgibbetsoroldwomen，andneveragainmadeamorousassignationsinthenight。
Thisteachesustothoroughlyverifyandrecognisewomen，andnottodeceiveourselvesinthelocaldifferencewhichexistsbetweentheoldandtheyoung，forifwearenothangedforourerrorsoflove，therearealwaysgreatriskstorun。
THEHIGHCONSTABLE\'SWIFE
ThehighconstableofArmagnacespousedfromthedesireofagreatfortune，theCountessBonne，whowasalreadyconsiderablyenamouredoflittleSavoisy，sonofthechamberlaintohismajestyKingCharlestheSixth。
Theconstablewasaroughwarrior，miserableinappearance，toughinskin，thicklybearded，alwaysutteringangrywords，alwaysbusyhangingpeople，alwaysinthesweatofbattles，orthinkingofotherstratagemsthanthoseoflove。Thusthegoodsoldier，caringlittletoflavourthemarriagestew，usedhischarmingwifeafterthefashionofamanwithmoreloftyideas；ofthewhichtheladieshaveagreathorror，sincetheylikenotthejoistsofthebedtobethesolejudgesoftheirfondlingandvigorousconduct。
NowthelovelyCountess，assoonasshewasgraftedontheconstable，onlynibbledmoreeagerlyatthelovewithwhichherheartwasladenfortheaforesaidSavoisy，whichthatgentlemanclearlyperceived。
Wishingbothtostudythesamemusic，theywouldsoonharmonisetheirfancies，anddecipherthehieroglyphic；andthiswasathingclearlydemonstratedtotheQueenIsabella，thatSavoisy\'shorseswereoftenerstabledatthehouseofhercousinofArmagnacthanintheHotelSt。
Pol，wherethechamberlainlived，sincethedestructionofhisresidence，orderedbytheuniversity，aseveryoneknows。
Thisdiscreetandwiseprincess，fearinginadvancesomeunfortunateadventureforBonne——themoresoastheconstablewasasreadytobrandishhisbroadswordasapriesttobestowbenedictions——thesaidqueen，assharpasadirk，saidoneday，whilecomingoutfromvespers，tohercousin，whowastakingtheholywaterwithSavoisy——
“Mydear，don\'tyouseesomebloodinthatwater？”
“Bah！”saidSavoisytothequeen。“Lovelikesblood，Madame。“
ThistheQueenconsideredagoodreply，andputitintowriting，andlateron，intoaction，whenherlordthekingwoundedoneofherlovers，whosebusinessyouseesettledinthisnarrative。
Youknowbyconstantexperience，thatintheearlytimeofloveeachoftwoloversisalwaysingreatfearofexposingthemysteryoftheheart，andasmuchfromtheflowerofprudenceasfromtheamusementyieldedbythesweettricksofgallantrytheyplayatwhocanbestconcealtheirthoughts，butonedayofforgetfulnesssufficestointerthewholevirtuouspast。Thepoorwomanistakeninherjoyasinalasso；hersweetheartproclaimshispresence，orsometimeshisdeparture，bysomearticleofclothing——ascarf，aspur，leftbysomefatalchance，andtherecomesastrokeofthedaggerthatseversthewebsogallantlywovenbytheirgoldendelights。Butwhenoneisfullofdays，heshouldnotmakeawryfaceatdeath，andtheswordofahusbandisapleasantdeathforagallant，iftherebepleasantdeaths。Somaybewillfinishthemerryamoursoftheconstable\'swife。
OnemorningMonsieurd\'ArmagnachavinglotsofleisuretimeinconsequenceoftheflightoftheDukeofBurgundy，whowasquittingLagny，thoughthewouldgoandwishhisladygoodday，andattemptedtowakeherupinapleasantenoughfashion，sothatsheshouldnotbeangry；butshesunkintheheavyslumbersofthemorning，repliedtotheaction——
“Leavemealone，Charles！”
“Oh，oh，“saidtheconstable，hearingthenameofasaintwhowasnotoneofhispatrons，“IhaveaCharlesonmyhead！”
Then，withouttouchinghiswife，hejumpedoutofthebed，andranupstairswithhisfaceflamingandhissworddrawn，totheplacewheresleptthecountess\'smaid-servant，convincedthatthesaidservanthadafingerinthepie。
“Ah，ah，wenchofhell！”criedhe，tocommencethedischargeofhispassion，“saythyprayers，forIintendtokilltheeinstantly，becauseofthesecretpracticesofCharleswhocomeshere。“
“Ah，Monseigneur，“repliedthewoman，“whotoldyouthat？”
“Standsteady，thatImayriptheeatoneblowifyoudonotconfesstomeeveryassignationgiven，andinwhatmannertheyhavebeenarranged。Ifthytonguegetsentangled，ifthoufalterest，Iwillpiercetheewithmydagger！”
“Piercemethrough！”repliedthegirl；“youwilllearnnothing。“
Theconstable，havingtakenthisexcellentreplyamiss，ranherthroughonthespot，somadwashewithrage；andcamebackintohiswife\'schamberandsaidtohisgroom，whom，awakenedbytheshrieksofthegirl，hemetuponthestairs，“Goupstairs；I\'vecorrectedBilletteratherseverely。“
BeforehereappearedinthepresenceofBonnehewenttofetchhisson，whowassleepinglikeachild，andledhimroughlyintoherroom。
Themotheropenedhereyesprettywidely，youmayimagine——atthecriesofherlittleone；andwasgreatlyterrifiedatseeinghiminthehandsofherhusband，whohadhisrighthandallbloody，andcastafierceglanceonthemotherandson。
“Whatisthematter？”saidshe。
“Madame，“askedthemanofquickexecution，“thischild，ishethefruitofmyloins，orthoseofSavoisy，yourlover？”
AtthisquestionBonneturnedpale，andspranguponhersonlikeafrightenedfrogleapingintothewater。
“Ah，heisreallyours，“saidshe。
“Ifyoudonotwishtoseehisheadrollatyourfeetconfessyourselftome，andnoprevarication。Youhavegivenmealieutenant。“
“Indeed！”
“Whoishe？”
“ItisnotSavoisy，andIwillneversaythenameofamanthatI
don\'tknow。“
Thereupontheconstablerose，tookhiswifebythearmtocutherspeechwithablowofthesword，butshe，castinguponhimanimperialglance，cried——
“Killmeifyouwill，buttouchmenot。“
“Youshalllive，“repliedthehusband，“becauseIreserveyouforachastisementmoreamplethendeath。“
Anddoubtingtheinventions，snares，arguments，andartificesfamiliartowomeninthesedesperatesituations，ofwhichtheystudynightanddaythevariations，bythemselves，orbetweenthemselves，hedepartedwiththisrudeandbitterspeech。Hewentinstantlytointerrogatehisservants，presentingtothemafacedivinelyterrible；soallofthemrepliedtohimastheywouldtoGodtheFatherontheJudgmentDay，wheneachofuswillbecalledtohisaccount。
Noneofthemknewtheseriousmischiefwhichwasatthebottomofthesesummaryinterrogationsandcraftyinterlocutions；butfromallthattheysaid，theconstablecametotheconclusionthatnomaleinhishousewasinthebusiness，exceptoneofhisdogs，whomhefounddumb，andtowhomhehadgiventhepostofwatchingthegardens；sotakinghiminhishands，hestrangledhimwithrage。Thisfactincitedhimbyinductiontosupposethattheotherconstablecameintohishousebythegarden，ofwhichtheonlyentrancewasaposternopeningontothewaterside。
Itisnecessarytoexplaintothosewhoareignorantofit，thelocalityoftheHoteld\'Armagnac，whichhadanotablesituationneartotheroyalhousesofSt。Pol。OnthissitehassincebeenbuiltthehotelofLongueville。Thenasatthepresenttime，theresidenceofd\'ArmagnachadaporchoffinestoneinRueSt。Antoine，wasfortifiedatallpoints，andthehighwallsbytheriverside，infaceoftheIleduVaches，inthepartwherenowstandstheportofLaGreve，werefurnishedwithlittletowers。ThedesignofthesehasforalongtimebeenshownatthehouseofCardinalDuprat，theking\'sChancellor。Theconstableransackedhisbrains，andatthebottom，fromhisfineststratagems，drewthebest，andfitteditsowelltothepresentcase，thatthegallantwouldbecertaintobetakenlikeahareinthetrap。
“\'Sdeath，“saidhe，“myplanterofhornsistaken，andIhavethetimenowtothinkhowIshallfinishhimoff。“
NowthisistheorderofbattlewhichthisgrandhairycaptainwhowagedsuchgloriouswaragainstDukeJean-sans-Peurcommandedfortheassaultofhissecretenemy。Hetookagoodlynumberofhismostloyalandadroitarchers，andplacedthemonthequaytower，orderingthemundertheheaviestpenaltiestodrawwithoutdistinctionofpersons，excepthiswife，onthoseofhishouseholdwhoshouldattempttoleavethegardens，andtoadmittherein，eitherbynightorbyday，thefavouredgentleman。Thesamewasdoneontheporchside，intheRueStAntoine。
Theretainers，eventhechaplain，wereorderednottoleavethehouseunderpainofdeath。Thentheguardofthetwosidesofthehotelhavingbeencommittedtothesoldiersofacompanyofordnance，whowereorderedtokeepasharplookoutinthesidestreets，itwascertainthattheunknownlovertowhomtheconstablewasindebtedforhispairofhorns，wouldbetakenwarm，when，knowingnothing，heshouldcomeattheaccustomedhouroflovetoinsolentlyplanthisstandardintheheartofthelegitimateappurtenancesofthesaidlordcount。
Itwasatrapintowhichthemostexpertmanwouldfallunlesshewasseriouslyprotectedbythefates，aswasthegoodSt。PeterbytheSaviourwhenhepreventedhimgoingtothebottomoftheseathedaywhentheyhadafancytotryiftheseawereassolidasterrafirma。
TheconstablehadbusinesswiththeinhabitantsofPoissy，andwasobligedtobeinthesaddleafterdinner，sothat，knowinghisintention，thepoorCountessBonnedeterminedatnighttoinviteheryounggallanttothatcharmingduelinwhichshewasalwaysthestronger。
Whiletheconstablewasmakingroundhishotelagirdleofspiesandofdeath，andhidinghispeopleneartheposterntoseizethegallantashecameout，notknowingwherehewouldspringfrom，hiswifewasnotamusingherselfbythreadingpeasnorseekingblackcowsintheembers。First，themaid-servantwhohadbeenstuck，unstuckherselfanddraggedherselftohermistress；shetoldherthatheroutragedlordknewnothing，andthatbeforegivinguptheghostshewouldcomfortherdearmistressbyassuringherthatshecouldhaveperfectconfidenceinhersister，whowaslaundressinthehotel，andwaswillingtoletherselfbechoppedupassmallassausage-meattopleaseMadame。Thatshewasthemostadroitandroguishwomanintheneighbourhood，andrenownedfromthecouncilchambertotheTrahoircrossamongthecommonpeople，andfertileininventionforthedesperatecasesoflove。
Then，whileweepingforthedeceaseofhergoodchamberwoman，thecountesssentforthelaundress，madeherleavehertubsandjoinherinrummagingthebagofgoodtricks，wishingtosaveSavoisy，evenatthepriceofherfuturesalvation。
Firstofallthetwowomendeterminedtolethimknowtheirlordandmaster\'ssuspicion，andbeghimtobecareful。
Nowbeholdthegoodwasherwomanwho，carryinghertublikeamule，attemptstoleavethehotel。Butattheporchshefoundaman-at-armswhoturnedadeafeartoalltheblandishmentsofthewash-tub。Thensheresolved，fromhergreatdevotion，totakethesoldieronhisweakside，andshetickledhimsowithherfondlingthatherompedverywellwithher，althoughhewasarmour-platedreadyforbattle；butwhenthegamewasoverhestillrefusedtolethergointothestreetandalthoughshetriedtogetherselfapassportsealedbysomeofthehandsomest，believingthemmoregallant：neitherthearchers，men-at-
arms，norothers，daredopenforherthesmallestentranceofthehouse。“Youarewickedandungratefulwretches，“saidshe，“nottorendermealikeservice。“
Luckilyatthisemploymentshelearnedeverything，andcamebackingreathastetohermistress，towhomsherecountedthestrangemachinationsofthecount。Thetwowomenheldafreshcouncilandhadnotconsidered，thetimeittakestosingAlleluia，twice，thesewarlikeappearances，watches，defences，andequivocal，specious，anddiabolicalordersanddispositionsbeforetheyrecognisedbythesixthsensewithwhichallfemalesarefurnished，thespecialdangerwhichthreatenedthepoorlover。
Madamehavinglearnedthatshealonehadleavetoquitthehouse，venturedquicklytoprofitbyherright，butshedidnotgothelengthofabow-shot，sincetheconstablehadorderedfourofhispagestobealwaysondutyreadytoaccompanythecountess，andtwooftheensignsofhiscompanynottoleaveher。Thenthepoorladyreturnedtoherchamber，weepingasmuchasalltheMagdalensoneseesinthechurchpictures，couldweeptogether。
“Alas！”saidshe，“mylovermustthenbekilled，andIshallneverseehimagain！……hewhosewordsweresosweet，whosemannersweresograceful，thatlovelyheadthathadsooftenrestedonmyknees，willnowbebruised……What！CanInotthrowtomyhusbandanemptyandvaluelessheadinplaceoftheonefullofcharmsandworth……arankheadforasweet-smellingone；ahatedheadforaheadoflove。“
“Ah，Madame！”criedthewasherwoman，“supposewedressupinthegarmentsofanobleman，thesteward\'ssonwhoismadforme，andweariesmemuch，andhavingthusaccouteredhim，wepushhimoutthroughthepostern。
Thereuponthetwowomenlookedateachotherwithassassinatingeyes。
“Thismarplot，“saidshe，“onceslain，allthosesoldierswillflyawaylikegeese。“
“Yes，butwillnotthecountrecognisethewretch？”
Andthecountess，strikingherbreast，exclaimed，shakingherhead，“No，no，mydear，hereitisnoblebloodthatmustbespiltwithoutstint。“
Thenshethoughtalittle，andjumpingwithjoy，suddenlykissedthelaundress，saying，“BecauseIhavesavedmylover\'slifebyyourcounsel，Iwillpayyouforhislifeuntildeath。“
Thereuponthecountessdriedhertears，putonthefaceofabride，tookherlittlebagandaprayer-book，andwenttowardstheChurchofSt。Polwhosebellssheheardringing，seeingthatthelastMasswasabouttobesaid。Inthissweetdevotionthecountessneverfailed，beingashowywoman，likealltheladiesofthecourt。Nowthiswascalledthefull-dressMass，becausenonebutfops，fashionables，younggentlemenandladiespuffedoutandhighlyscented，weretobemetthere。Infactnodresseswasseentherewithoutarmorialbearings，andnospursthatwerenotgilt。
SotheCountessofBonnedeparted，leavingatthehotelthelaundressmuchastonished，andchargedtokeephereyesabouther，andcamewithgreatpomptothechurch，accompaniedbyherpages，thetwoensignsandmen-at-arms。Itisherenecessarytosaythatamongthebandofgallantknightswhofriskedroundtheladiesinchurch，thecountesshadmorethanonewhosejoyshewas，andwhohadgivenhishearttoher，afterthefashionofyouthswhoputdownenoughandtospareupontheirtablets，onlyinordertomakeaconquestofatleastoneoutofagreatnumber。
Amongthesebirdsoffinepreywhowithopenbeakslookedoftenerbetweenthebenchesandthepaternostersthantowardsthealtarandthepriests，therewasoneuponwhomthecountesssometimesbestowedthecharityofaglance，becausehewaslesstriflingandmoredeeplysmittenthanalltheothers。
Thisoneremainedbashful，alwaysstuckagainstthesamepillar，nevermovingfromit，butreadilyravishedwiththesightaloneofthisladywhomhehadchosenashis。Hispalefacewassoftlymelancholy。Hisphysiognomygaveproofoffineheart，oneofthosewhichnourishardentpassionsandplungedelightedlyintothedespairsoflovewithouthope。Ofthesepeopletherearefew，becauseordinarilyonelikesmoreacertainthingthantheunknownfelicitieslyingandflourishingatthebottommostdepthsofthesoul。
Thissaidgentleman，althoughhisgarmentswerewellmade，andcleanandneat，havingevenacertainamountoftasteshowninthearrangement，seemedtotheconstable\'swifetobeapoorknightseekingfortune，andcomefromafar，withhisnobilityforhisportion。Nowpartlyfromasuspicionofhissecretpoverty，partlybecauseshewaswellbelovedbyhimandalittlebecausehehadagoodcountenance，fineblackhair，andagoodfigure，andremainedhumbleandsubmissiveinall，theconstable\'swifedesiredforhimthefavourofwomenandoffortune，nottolethisgallantrystandidle，andfromagoodhousewifelyidea，shefiredhisimaginationaccordingtoherfantasies，bycertainsmallfavoursandlittlelookswhichserpentedtowardshimlikebitingadders，triflingwiththehappinessofthisyounglife，likeaprincessaccustomedtoplaywithobjectsmorepreciousthanasimpleknight。Infact，herhusbandriskedthewholekingdomasyouwouldapennyatpiquet。Finallyitwasonlythreedayssince，attheconclusionofvespers，thattheconstable\'swifepointedouttothequeenthisfolloweroflove，saidlaughingly——
“There\'samanofquality。“
Thissentenceremainedinthefashionablelanguage。Lateritbecameacustomsotodesignatethepeopleofthecourt。Itwastothewifeoftheconstabled\'Armagnac，andtonoothersource，thattheFrenchlanguageisindebtedforthischarmingexpression。
Byaluckychancethecountesshadsurmisedcorrectlyconcerningthisgentleman。Hewasabannerlessknight，namedJuliendeBoys-Bourredon，whonothavinginheritedonhisestateenoughtomakeatoothpick，andknowingnootherwealththantherichnaturewithwhichhisdeadmotherhadopportunelyfurnishedhim，conceivedtheideaofderivingtherefrombothrentandprofitatcourt，knowinghowfondladiesareofthosegoodrevenues，andvaluethemhighanddear，whentheycanstandbeinglookedatbetweentwosuns。Therearemanylikehimwhohavethustakenthenarrowroadofwomentomaketheirway；buthe，farfromarranginghisloveinmeasuredqualities，spendfundsandall，assoonashecametothefull-dressMass，hesawthetriumphantbeautyoftheCountessBonne。Thenhefellreallyinlove，whichwasagrandthingforhiscrowns，becausehelostboththirstandappetite。
Thisloveisoftheworstkind，becauseitincitesyoutotheloveofdiet，duringthedietoflove；adoublemalady，ofwhichoneissufficienttoextinguishaman。
Suchwastheyounggentlemenofwhomthegoodladyhadthought，andtowardswhomshecamequicklytoinvitehimtohisdeath。
Onenteringshesawthepoorchevalier，whofaithfultohispleasure，awaitedher，hisbackagainstapillar，asasickmanlongsforthesun，thespring-time，andthedawn。Thensheturnedawayhereyes，andwishedtogotothequeenandrequestherassistanceinthisdesperatecase，forshetookpityonherlover，butoneofthecaptainssaidtoher，withgreatappearanceofrespect，“Madame，wehaveordersnottoallowyoutospeakwithmanorwoman，eventhoughitshouldbethequeenoryourconfessor。Andrememberthatthelivesofallofusareatstake。“
“Isitnotyourbusinesstodie？”saidshe。
“Andalsotoobey，“repliedthesoldier。
Thenthecountesskneltdowninheraccustomedplace，andagainregardingherfaithfulslave，foundhisfacethinnerandmoredeeplylinedthaneverithadbeen。
“Bah！”saidshe，“Ishallhavelessremorseforhisdeath；heishalfdeadasitis。“
Withthisparaphraseofheridea，shecastuponthesaidgentlemanoneofthosewarmoglesthatareonlyallowabletoprincessesandharlots，andthefalselovewhichherlovelyeyesborewitnessto，gaveapleasantpangtothegallantofthepillar。Whodoesnotlovethewarmattackoflifewhenitflowsthusroundtheheartandengulfseverything？
Madamerecognisedwithapleasure，alwaysfreshinthemindsofwomen，theomnipotenceofhermagnificentregardbytheanswerwhich，withoutsayingaword，thechevaliermadetoit。Andinfact，theblusheswhichempurpledhischeeksspokebetterthanthebestspeechesoftheGreekandLatinorators，andwerewellunderstood。Atthissweetsight，thecountess，tomakesurethatitwasnotafreakofnature，tookpleasureinexperimentalisinghowfarthevirtueofhereyeswouldgo，andafterhavingheatedherslavemorethanthirtytimes，shewasconfirmedinherbeliefthathewouldbravelydieforher。
Thisideasotouchedher，thatfromthreerepetitionsbetweenherorisonsshewastickledwiththedesiretoputintoalumpallthejoysofman，andtodissolvethemforhiminonesingleglanceoflove，inorderthatsheshouldnotonedaybereproachedwithhavingnotonlydissipatedthelife，butalsothehappinessofthisgentleman。WhentheofficiatingpriestturnedroundtosingtheOffyougotothisfinegildedflock，theconstable\'swifewentoutbythesideofthepillarwherehercourtierwas，passedinfrontofhimandendeavouredtoinsinuateintohisunderstandingbyaspeakingglancethathewastofollowher，andtomakepositivetheintelligenceandsignificantinterpretationofthisgentleappeal，theartfuljadeturnedroundagainalittleafterpassinghimtoagainrequesthiscompany。Shesawthathehadmovedalittlefromhisplace，anddarednotadvance，somodestwashe，butuponthislastsign，thegentleman，sureofnotbeingover-credulous，mixedwiththecrowdwithlittleandnoiselesssteps，likeaninnocentwhoisafraidofventuringintooneofthosegoodplacespeoplecallbadones。Andwhetherhewalkedbehindorinfront，totherightortotheleft，myladybestoweduponhimaglisteningglancetoallurehimthemoreandthebettertodrawhimtoher，likeafisherwhogentlyjerksthelinesinordertohookthegudgeon。Tobebrief：thecountesspracticedsowelltheprofessionofthedaughtersofpleasurewhentheyworktobringgristintotheirmills，thatonewouldhavesaidnothingresembledaharlotsomuchasawomanofhighbirth。Andindeed，onarrivingattheporchofherhotelthecountesshesitatedtoentertherein，andagainturnedherfacetowardsthepoorchevaliertoinvitehimtoaccompanyher，dischargingathimsodiabolicalaglance，thatherantothequeenofhisheart，believinghimselftobecalledbyher。Thereupon，sheofferedhimherhand，andbothboilingandtremblingfromthecontrarycausesfoundthemselvesinsidethehouse。Atthiswretchedhour，Madamed\'Armagnacwasashamedofhavingdonealltheseharlotriestotheprofitofdeath，andofbetrayingSavoisythebettertosavehim；
butthisslightremorsewaslameasthegreater，andcametardily。
Seeingeverythingready，thecountessleanedheavilyuponhervassal\'sarm，andsaidtohim——
“Comequicklytomyroom；itisnecessarythatIshouldspeakwithyou。“
Andhe，notknowingthathislifewasinperil，foundnovoicewherewithtoreply，somuchdidthehopeofapproachinghappinesschokehim。
Whenthelaundresssawthishandsomegentlemansoquicklyhooked，“Ah！”saidshe，“theseladiesofthecourtarebestatsuchwork。“
Thenshehonouredthiscourtierwithaprofoundsalutation，inwhichwasdepictedtheironicalrespectduetothosewhohavethegreatcouragetodieforsolittle。
“Picard，“saidtheconstable\'slady，drawingthelaundresstoherbytheskirt，“IhavenotthecouragetoconfesstohimtherewardwithwhichIamabouttopayhissilentloveandhischarmingbeliefintheloyaltyofwomen。“
“Bah！Madame：whytellhim？Sendhimawaywellcontentedbythepostern。Somanymendieinwarfornothing，cannotthisonedieforsomething？I\'llproduceanotherlikehimifthatwillconsoleyou。“
“Comealong，“criedthecountess，“Iwillconfessalltohim。Thatwillbethepunishmentformysins。“
Thinkingthatthisladywasarrangingwithherservantcertaintriflingprovisionsandsecretthingsinordernottobedisturbedintheinterviewshehadpromisedhim，theunknownloverkeptatadiscreetdistance，lookingattheflies。Nevertheless，hethoughtthatthecountesswasverybold，butalso，asevenahunchbackwouldhavedone，hefoundathousandreasonstojustifyher，andthoughthimselfquiteworthytoinspiresuchrecklessness。Hewaslostinthosegoodthoughtswhentheconstable\'swifeopenedthedoorofherchamber，andinvitedthechevaliertofollowherin。Therehisnobleladycastasidealltheapparelofherloftyfortune，andfallingatthefeetofthisgentleman，becameasimplewoman。
“Alas，sweetsir！”saidshe，“Ihaveactedvilelytowardsyou。Listen。
Onyourdeparturefromthishouse，youwillmeetyourdeath。ThelovewhichIfeelforanotherhasbewilderedme，andwithoutbeingabletoholdhisplacehere，youwillhavetotakeitbeforehismurderers。
ThisisthejoytowhichIhavebiddenyou。“
“Ah！”RepliedBoys-Bourredon，interringinthedepthsofhisheartadarkdespair，“Iamgratefultoyouforhavingmadeuseofmeasofsomethingwhichbelongedtoyou……Yes，IloveyousomuchthateverydayyouIhavedreamedofofferingyouinimitationoftheladies，athingthatcanbegivenbutonce。Take，then，mylife！”
Andthepoorchevalier，insayingthis，gaveheroneglancetosufficeforallthetimehewouldhavebeenabletolookatherthroughthelongdays。Hearingthesebraveandlovingwords，Bonnerosesuddenly。
“Ah！wereitnotforSavoisy，howIwouldlovethee！”saidshe。
“Alas！myfateisthenaccomplished，“repliedBoys-Bourredon。“MyhoroscopepredictedthatIshoulddiebytheloveofagreatlady。Ah，God！”saidhe，clutchinghisgoodsword，“Iwillsellmylifedearly，butIshalldiecontentinthinkingthatmydeceaseensuresthehappinessofherIlove。Ishouldlivebetterinhermemorythaninreality。“Atthesightofthegestureandthebeamingfaceofthiscourageousman，theconstable\'swifewaspiercedtotheheart。Butsoonshewaswoundedtothequickbecauseheseemedtowishtoleaveherwithoutevenaskingofherthesmallestfavour。
“Come，thatImayarmyou，“saidshetohim，makinganattempttokisshim。
“Ha！mylady-love，“repliedhe，moisteningwithagentletearthefireofhiseyes，“wouldyourendermydeathimpossiblebyattachingtoogreatavaluetomylife？”
“Come，“criedshe，overcomebythisintenselove，“Idonotknowwhattheendofallthiswillbe，butcome——afterwardswewillgoandperishtogetheratthepostern。“
Thesameflameleapedintheirhearts，thesameharmonyhadstruckforboth，theyembracedeachotherwitharaptureinthedeliciousexcessofthatmadfeverwhichyouknowwellIhope；theyfellintoaprofoundforgetfulnessofthedangersofSavoisy，ofthemselves，oftheconstable，ofdeath，oflife，ofeverything。
Meanwhilethewatchmanattheporchhadgonetoinformtheconstableofthearrivalofthegallant，andtotellhimhowtheinfatuatedgentlemanhadtakennonoticeofthewinkswhich，duringMassandontheroad，thecountesshadgivenhiminordertopreventhisdestruction。Theymettheirmasterarrivingingreathasteatthepostern，becauseontheirsidethearchersofthequayhadwhistledtohimafaroff，sayingtohim——
“TheSiredeSavoisyhaspassedin。“
AndindeedSavoisyhadcomeattheappointedhour，andlikeallthelovers，thinkingonlyofhislady，hehadnotseenthecount\'sspiesandhadslippedinatthepostern。Thiscollisionofloverswasthecauseoftheconstable\'scuttingshortthewordsofthosewhocamefromtheRueSt。Antoine，sayingtothemwithagestureofauthority，thattheydidnotthinkwisetodisregard——
“Iknowthattheanimalistaken。“
Thereuponallrushedwithagreatnoisethroughthissaidpostern，crying，“Deathtohim！deathtohim！”andmen-at-arms，archers，theconstable，andthecaptains，allrushedfulltiltuponCharlesSavoisy，theking\'snephew，whotheyattackedunderthecountess\'swindow，wherebyastrangechance，thegroansofthepooryoungmanweredolorouslyexhaled，mingledwiththeyellsofthesoldiers，atthesametimeaspassionatesighsandcriesweregivenforthbythetwolovers，whohastenedupingreatfear。
“Ah！”saidthecountess，turningpalefromterror，“Savoisyisdyingforme！”
“ButIwillliveforyou，“repliedBoys-Bourredon，“andshallesteemitajoytopaythesamepriceformyhappinessashehasdone。“
“Hideyourselfintheclotheschest，“criedthecountess；“Iheartheconstable\'sfootsteps。“
AndindeedM。d\'Armagnacappearedverysoonwithaheadinhishand，andputtingitallbloodyonthemantleshelf，“Behold，Madame，“saidhe，“apicturewhichwillenlightenyouconcerningthedutiesofawifetowardsherhusband。“
“Youhavekilledaninnocentman，“repliedthecountess，withoutchangingcolour。Savoisywasnotmylover。“
Andwiththethisspeechshelookedproudlyattheconstablewithafacemarkedbysomuchdissimulationandfeminineaudacity，thatthehusbandstoodlookingasfoolishasagirlwhohasallowedanotetoescapeherbelow，beforeanumerouscompany，andhewasafraidofhavingmadeamistake。
“Ofwhomwereyouthinkingthismorning？”askedhe。
“Iwasdreamingoftheking，“saidshe。
“Then，mydear，whynothavetoldmeso？”
“Wouldyouhavebelievedmeinthebestialpassionyouwerein？”
Theconstablescratchedhisearandreplied——
“ButhowcameSavoisywiththekeyofthepostern？”
“Idon\'tknow，“shesaid，curtly，“ifyouwillhavethegoodnesstobelievewhatIhavesaidtoyou。“
Andhiswifeturnedlightlyonherheellikeaweather-cockturnedbythewind，pretendingtogoandlookafterthehouseholdaffairs。YoucanimaginethatD\'ArmagnacwasgreatlyembarrassedwiththeheadofpoorSavoisy，andthatforhispartBoys-Bourredonhadnodesiretocoughwhilelisteningtothecount，whowasgrowlingtohimselfallsortsofwords。Atlengththeconstablestrucktwoheavyblowsoverthetableandsaid，“I\'llgoandattacktheinhabitantsofPoissy。“
Thenhedeparted，andwhenthenightwascomeBoys-Bourredonescapedfromthehouseinsomedisguiseorother。
PoorSavoisywassorelylamentedbyhislady，whohaddoneallthatawomancoulddotosaveherlover，andlaterhewasmorethanwept，hewasregretted；forthecountesshavingrelatedthisadventuretoQueenIsabella，hermajestyseducedBoys-Bourredonfromtheserviceofhercousinandputhimtoherown，somuchwasshetouchedwiththequalitiesandfirmcourageofthisgentleman。
Boys-Bourredonwasamanwhomdangerhadwellrecommendedtotheladies。Infacthecomportedhimselfsoproudlyineverythingintheloftyfortune，whichthequeenhadmadeforhim，thathavingbadlytreatedKingCharlesonedaywhenthepoormanwasinhispropersenses，thecourtiers，jealousoffavour，informedthekingofhiscuckoldom。Boys-BourredonwasinamomentsewninasackandthrownintotheSeine，neartheferryatCharenton，aseveryoneknows。Ihavenoneedadd，thatsincethedaywhentheconstabletookitintohisheadtoplaythoughtlesslywithknives，hisgoodwifeutilisedsowellthetwodeathshehadcausedandthrewthemsoofteninhisface，thatshemadehimassoftasacat\'spawandputhiminthestraightroadofmarriage；andheproclaimedheramodestandvirtuousconstable\'slady，asindeedshewas。Asthisbookshould，accordingtothemaximsofgreatancientauthors，joincertainusefulthingstothegoodlaughswhichyouwillfindthereinandcontainpreceptsofhightaste，Ibegtoinformyouthatthequintessenceofthestoryisthis：Thatwomenneedneverlosetheirheadsinseriouscases，becausetheGodofLoveneverabandonsthem，especiallywhentheyarebeautiful，young，andofgoodfamily；andthatgallantswhengoingtokeepanamorousassignationshouldnevergotherelikegiddyyoungmen，butcarefully，andkeepasharplook-outneartheburrow，toavoidfallingintocertaintrapsandtopreservethemselves；forafteragoodwomanthemostpreciousthingis，certes，aprettygentleman。
THEMAIDOFTHILOUSE
ThelordofValennes，apleasantplace，ofwhichthecastleisnotfarfromthetownofThilouse，hadtakenameanwife，whobyreasonoftasteorantipathy，pleasureordispleasure，healthorsickness，allowedhergoodhusbandtoabstainfromthosepleasuresstipulatedforinallcontractsofmarriage。Inordertobejust，itshouldbestatedthattheabove-mentionedlordwasadirtyandill-favouredperson，alwayshuntingwildanimalsandnotthemoreentertainingthanisaroomfullofsmoke。Andwhatismore，thesaidsportsmanwasallsixtyyearsofage，onwhichsubject，however，hewasasilentasahempenwidowonthesubjectofrope。Butnature，whichthecrooked，thebandy-legged，theblind，andtheuglyabusesounmercifullyherebelow，andhavenomoreesteemforherthanthewell-favoured，——since，likeworkersoftapestry，theyknownotwhattheydo，——givesthesameappetitetoallandtoallthesamemouthforpudding。Soeverybeastfindsamate，andfromthesamefactcomestheproverb，“Thereisnopot，howeverugly，thatdoesnotonedayfindacover。“NowthelordofValennessearchedeverywherefornicelittlepotstocover，andofteninadditiontowild，hehuntedtameanimals；butthiskindofgamewasscarceintheland，anditwasanexpensiveaffairtodiscoveramaid。Atlengthhoweverbyreasonofmuchferretingaboutandmuchenquiry，ithappenedthatthelordofValenneswasinformedthatinThilousewasthewidowofaweaverwhohadarealtreasureinthepersonofalittledamselofsixteenyears，whomshehadneverallowedtoleaveherapronstrings，andwhom，withgreatmaternalforethought，shealwaysaccompaniedwhenthecallsofnaturedemandedherobedience；shehadhertosleepwithherinherownbed，watchedoverher，gotherupinthemorning，andputhertosuchaworkthatbetweenthetwaintheygainedabouteightpenniesaday。Onfetedaysshetookhertothechurch，scarcelygivingherasparemomenttoexchangeamerrywordwiththeyoungpeople；aboveallwasshestrictinkeepinghandsoffthemaiden。
Butthetimeswerejustthensohardthatthewidowandherdaughterhadonlybreadenoughtosavethemfromdyingofhunger，andastheylodgedwithoneoftheirpoorrelations，theyoftenwantedwoodinwinterandclothesinsummer，owingenoughrenttofrightensergeantsofjustice，menwhoarenoteasilyfrightenedatthedebtsofothers；
inshort，whilethedaughterwasincreasinginbeauty，themotherwasincreasinginpoverty，andranintodebtonaccountofherdaughter\'svirginity，asanalchemistwillforthecrucibleinwhichhisalliscast。Assoonashisplanswerearrangedandperfect，onerainydaythesaidlordofValennesbyamerechancecameintothehovelofthetwospinners，andinordertodryhimselfsentforsomefagotstoPlessis，closeby。Whilewaitingforthem，hesatonastoolbetweenthetwopoorwomen。Bymeansofthegreyshadowsandhalflightofthecabin，hesawthesweetcountenanceofthemaidofThilouse；herarmswereredandfirm，herbreastshardasbastions，whichkeptthecoldfromherheart，herwaistroundasayoungoakandallfreshandcleanandpretty，likethefirstfrost，greenandtenderasanAprilbud；infact，sheresembledallthatisprettiestintheworld。Shehadeyesofamodestandvirtuousblue，withalookmorecoythanthatoftheVirgin，forshewaslessforward，neverhavinghadachild。
Hadanyonesaidtoher，“Come，letusmakelove，“shewouldhavesaid，“Love！Whatisthat？”shewassoinnocentandsolittleopentothecomprehensionsofthething。
Thegoodoldlordtwistedaboutuponhisstool，eyeingthemaidandstretchinghisnecklikeamonkeytryingtocatchnuts，whichthemothernoticed，butsaidnotaword，beinginfearofthelordtowhomthewholeofthecountrybelonged。Whenthefagotwasputintothegrateandflaredup，thegoodhuntersaidtotheoldwoman，“Ah，ah！
thatwarmsonealmostasmuchasyourdaughter\'seyes。“
“Butalas，mylord，“saidshe，“wehavenothingtocookonthatfire。“
“Ohyes，“repliedhe。
“What？”
“Ah，mygoodwoman，lendyourdaughtertomywife，whohasneedofagoodhandmaiden：wewillgiveyoutwofagotseveryday。“
“Oh，mylord，whatcouldIcookatsuchagoodfire？”
“Why，“repliedtheoldrascal，“goodbroth，forIwillgiveyouameasureofcorninseason。“
“Then，“repliedtheoldhag，“whereshallIputit？”
“Inyourdish，“answeredthepurchaserofinnocence。
“ButIhaveneitherdishnorflower-bin，noranything。“
“WellIwillgiveyoudishesandflower-bins，saucepans，flagons，agoodbedwithcurtains，andeverything。“
“Yes，“repliedthegoodwidow，“buttherainwouldspoilthem，Ihavenohouse。“
“Youcanseefromhere，“repliedthelord，“thehouseofLaTourbelliere，wherelivedmypoorhuntsmenPillegrain，whowasrippedupbyaboar？”
“Yes，“saidtheoldwoman。
“Well，youcanmakeyourselfathometherefortherestofyourdays。“
“Bymyfaith；“criedthemother，lettingfallherdistaff，“doyoumeanwhatyousay？”
“Yes。“
“Well，then，whatwillyougivemydaughter？”
“Allthatsheiswillingtogaininmyservice。“
“Oh！mylord，youareajoking。“
“No，“saidhe。
“Yes，“saidshe。
“BySt。Gatien，St。Eleuther，andbythethousandmillionsaintswhoareinheaven，Iswearthat——“
“Ah！Well；ifyouarenotjestingIshouldlikethosefagotstopassthroughthehandsofthenotary。“
“BythebloodofChristandthecharmsofyourdaughteramInotagentleman？Isnotmywordgoodenough？”
“Ah！wellIdon\'tsaythatitisnot；butastrueasIamapoorspinnerIlovemychildtoomuchtoleaveher；sheistooyoungandweakatpresent，shewillbreakdowninservice。Yesterday，inhissermon，thevicarsaidthatweshouldhavetoanswertoGodforourchildren。“
“There！There！”saidthelord，“goandfindthenotary。“
Anoldwoodcutterrantothescrivener，whocameanddrewupacontract，towhichthelordofValennesthenputhiscross，notknowinghowtowrite，andwhenallwassignedandsealed——
“Well，oldlady，“saidhe，“nowyouarenolongeranswerabletoGodforthevirtueofyourchild。“
“Ah！mylord，thevicarsaiduntiltheageofreason，andmychildisquitereasonable。“Thenturningtowardsher，sheadded，“MarieFiquet，thatwhichisdearesttoyouisyourhonour，andtherewhereyouaregoingeveryone，withoutcountingmylord，willtrytorobyouofit，butyouseewellwhatitisworth；forthatreasondonotloseitsavewillinglyandinpropermanner。NowinordernottocontaminateyourvirtuebeforeGodandbeforeman，exceptforalegitimatemotive，takeheedthatyourchanceofmarriagebenotdamagedbeforehand，otherwiseyouwillgotothebad。“
“Yes，dearmother，“repliedthemaid。
Andthereuponsheleftthepoorabodeofherrelation，andcametothechateauofValennes，theretoservemylady，whofoundherbothprettyandtohertaste。
WhenthepeopleofValennes，Sache，Villaines，andotherplaces，learnedthehighpricegivenforthemaidofThilouse，thegoodhousewivesrecognisingthefactthatnothingismoreprofitablethanvirtue，endeavouredtonourishandbringuptheirdaughtersvirtuous，butthebusinesswasasriskyasthatofrearingsilkworms，whichareliabletoperish，sinceinnocenceislikeamedlar，andripensquicklyonthestraw。Therewere，however，somegirlsnotedforitinTouraine，whopassedforvirginsintheconventsofthereligious，butIcannotvouchforthese，nothavingproceededtoverifytheminthemannerlaiddownbyVerville，inordertomakesureoftheperfectvirtueofwomen。However，MarieFiquetfollowedthewisecounselofhermother，andwouldtakenonoticeofthesoftrequests，honiedwords，orapishtricksofhermaster，unlesstheywereflavouredwithapromiseofmarriage。
Whentheoldlordtriedtokissher，shewouldputherbackuplikeacatattheapproachofadog，cryingout“IwilltellMadame！”Inshortattheendofsixmonthshehadnotevenrecoveredthepriceofasinglefagot。FromherlabourMarieFiquetbecameharderandfirmer。
Sometimesshewouldreplytothegentlerequestofhermaster，“Whenyouhavetakenitfrommewillyougiveitmebackagain？”
Anothertimeshewouldsay，“IfIwereasfullofholesasasievenotoneshouldbeforyou，souglydoIthinkyou。“
Thegoodoldmantookthesevillagesayingsforflowersofinnocence，andceasednotmakelittlesignstoher，longharanguesandahundredvowsandsermons，forbyreasonofseeingthefinebreastsofthemaid，herplumphips，whichatcertainmovementscameintoprominentrelief，andbyreasonofadmiringotherthingscapableofinflamingthemindofasaint，thisdearmenbecameenamouredofherwithanoldman\'spassion，whichaugmentsingeometricalproportionsasopposedtothepassionsofyoungmen，becausetheoldmenlovewiththeirweaknesswhichgrowsgreater，andtheyoungwiththeirstrengthwhichgrowsless。Inordertoleavethisheadstronggirlnoloopholeforrefusal，theoldlordtookintohisconfidencethesteward，whoseagewasseventyoddyears，andmadehimunderstandthatheoughttomarryinordertokeephisbodywarm，andthatMarieFiquetwastheverygirltosuithim。Theoldsteward，whohadgainedthreehundredpoundsbydifferentservicesaboutthehouse，desiredtolivequietlywithoutopeningthefrontdooragain；buthisgoodmasterbeggedhimtomarrytopleasehim，assuringhimthatheneednottroubleabouthiswife。
Sothegoodstewardwanderedoutofsheergoodnatureintothismarriage。Thedayofthewedding，bereftofallherreasons，andnotabletofindobjectionstoherpursuer，shemadehimgiveherafatsettlementanddowryasthepriceofherconquest，andthengavetheoldknaveleavetowinkatherasoftenashecould，promisinghimasmanyembracesashehadgivengrainsofwheattohermother。Butathisageabushelwassufficient。
Thefestivitiesover，thelorddidnotfail，assoonashiswifehadretired，towendhiswaytowardsthewell-glazed，well-carpeted，andprettyroomwherehehadlodgedhislass，hismoney，hisfagots，hishouse，hiswheat，andhissteward。Tobebrief，knowthathefoundthemaidofThilousethesweetestgirlintheworld，asprettyasanything，bythesoftlightofthefirewhichwasgleaminginthechimney，snugbetweenthesheets，andwithasweetodourabouther，asayoungmaidenshouldhave，andinfacthehadnoregretforthegreatpriceofthisjewel。Notbeingabletorestrainhimselffromhurryingoverthefirstmouthfulsofthisroyalmorsel，thelordtreatedhermoreasapastmasterthanayoungbeginner。Sothehappymanbytoomuchgluttony，managedbadly，andinfactknewnothingofthesweetbusinessoflove。Findingwhich，thegoodwenchsaid，afteraminuteortwo，toheroldcavalier，“Mylord，ifyouarethere，asIthinkyouare，givealittlemoreswingtoyourbells。“
Fromthissaying，whichbecamespreadabout，Iknownothow，MarieFiquetbecamefamous，anditisstillsaidinourcountry，“SheisamaidofThilouse，“inmockeryofabride，andtosignifya“fricquenelle。“
“Fricquenelle“issaidofagirlIdonotwishyoutofindinyourarmsonyourweddingnight，unlessyouhavebeenbroughtupinthephilosophyofZeno，whichputsupwithanything，andtherearemanypeopleobligedtobeStoicsinthisfunnysituation，whichisoftenmetwith，forNatureturns，butchangesnot，andtherearealwaysgoodmaidsofThilousetobefoundinTouraine，andelsewhere。Nowifyouaskedmeinwhatconsists，orwherecomesin，themoralofthistale？
Iamatlibertytoreplytotheladies；thattheCentContesDrolatiquesaremademoretoteachthemoralofpleasurethantoprocurethepleasureofpointingamoral。Butifitwereausedupoldrascalwhoaskedme，Ishouldsaytohimwithalltherespectduetohisyelloworgreylocks；thatGodwishestopunishthelordofValennes，fortryingtopurchaseajewelmadetobegiven。
THEBROTHERS-IN-ARMS
AtthecommencementofthereignofKingHenry，secondofthename，wholovedsowellthefairDiana，thereexistedstillaceremonyofwhichtheusagehassincebecomemuchweakened，andwhichhasaltogetherdisappeared，likeaninfinityofthegoodthingsoftheoldentimes。Thisfineandnoblecustomwasthechoicewhichallknightsmadeofabrother-in-arms。Afterhavingrecognisedeachotherastwoloyalandbravemen，eachoneofthisprettycouplewasmarriedforlifetotheother；bothbecamebrothers，theonehadtodefendtheotherinbattlingagainsttheenemieswhothreatenedhim，andatCourtagainstthefriendswhoslanderedhim。Intheabsenceofhiscompaniontheotherwasexpectedtosaytoonewhoshouldhaveaccusedhisgoodbrotherofanydisloyalty，wickednessordarkfelony，“Youhaveliedbyyourthroat，“andsogointothefieldinstantly，sosurewastheoneofthehonouroftheother。Thereisnoneedtoadd，thattheonewasalwaysthesecondoftheotherinallaffairs，goodorevil，andthattheysharedallgoodorevilfortune。Theywerebetterthanthebrotherswhoareonlyunitedbythehazardofnature，sincetheywerefraternisedbythebondsofanespecialsentiment，involuntaryandmutual，andthusthefraternityofarmshasproducedsplendidcharacters，asbraveasthoseoftheancientGreeks，Romans，orothers……Butthisisnotmysubject；thehistoryofthesethingshasbeenwrittenbythehistoriansofourcountry，andeveryoneknowsthem。
NowatthistimetwoyounggentlemenofTouraine，ofwhomonewastheCadetofMaille，andtheotherSieurdeLavalliere，becamebrothers-
in-armsonthedaytheygainedtheirspurs。TheywereleavingthehouseofMonsieurdeMontmorency，wheretheyhadbeennourishedwiththegooddoctrinesofthisgreatCaptain，andhadshownhowcontagiousisvalourinsuchgoodcompany，foratthebattleofRavennatheymeritedthepraisesoftheoldestknights。ItwasinthethickofthisfiercefightthatMaille，savedbythesaidLavalliere，withwhomhehadhadaquarrelortwo，perceivedthatthisgentlemanhadanobleheart。Astheyhadeachreceivedslashesinthedoublets，theybaptisedtheirfraternitywiththeirblood，andwereministeredtotogetherinoneandthesamebedunderthetentofMonsieurdeMontmorencytheirmaster。Itisnecessarytoinformyouthat，contrarytothecustomofhisfamily，whichwasalwaystohaveaprettyface，theCadetofMaillewasnotofapleasingphysiognomy，andhadscarcelyanybeautybutthatofthedevil。Fortheresthewaslitheasagreyhound，broadshoulderedandstronglybuiltasKingPepin，whowasaterribleantagonist。Ontheotherhand，theSieurdeLavallierewasadaintyfellow，forwhomseemedtohavebeeninventedrichlaces，silkenhose，andcancellatedshoes。Hislongdarklockswereprettyasalady\'sringlets，andhewas，tobebrief，achildwithwhomallthewomenwouldbegladtoplay。OnedaytheDauphine，nieceofthePope，saidlaughinglytotheQueenofNavarre，whodidnotdisliketheselittlejokes，“thatthispagewasaplastertocureeveryache，“whichcausedtheprettylittleTourainiantoblush，because，beingonlysixteen，hetookthisgallantryasareproach。
NowonhisreturnfromItalytheCadetofMaillefoundtheslipperofmarriagereadyforhisfoot，whichhismotherhadobtainedforhiminthepersonofMademoiselled\'Annebaut，whowasagracefulmaidenofgoodappearance，andwellfurnishedwitheverything，havingasplendidhotelintheRueBarbette，withhandsomefurnitureandItalianpaintingsandmanyconsiderablelandstoinherit。SomedaysafterthedeathofKingFrancis——acircumstancewhichplantedterrorintheheartofeveryone，becausehissaidMajestyhaddiedinconsequenceofanattackoftheNeapolitansickness，andthatforthefuturetherewouldbenosecurityevenwithprincessesofthehighestbirth——theabove-namedMaillewascompelledtoquittheCourtinordertogoandarrangecertainaffairsofgreatimportanceinPiedmont。Youmaybesurethathewasveryloathtoleavehisgoodwife，soyoung，sodelicate，sosprightly，inthemidstofthedangers，temptations，snaresandpitfallsofthisgallantassemblage，whichcomprisedsomanyhandsomefellows，boldaseagles，proudofmein，andasfondofwomenasthepeoplearepartialtoPaschalhams。Inthisstateofintensejealousyeverythingmadehimillatease；butbydintofmuchthinking，itoccurredtohimtomakesureofhiswifeinthemannerabouttoberelated。Heinvitedhisgoodbrother-in-armstocomeatdaybreakonthemorningofhisdeparture。NowdirectlyheheardLavalliere\'shorseinthecourtyard，heleapedoutofbed，leavinghissweetandfairbetter-halfsleepingthatgentle，dreamy，dozingsleepsobelovedbydaintyladiesandlazypeople。Lavallierecametohim，andthetwocompanions，hiddenintheembrasureofthewindow，greetedeachotherwithaloyalclaspofthehand，andimmediatelyLavallieresaidtoMaille——
“Ishouldhavebeenherelastnightinanswertothysummons，butI
hadalovesuitonwithmylady，whohadgivenmeanassignation；I
couldinnowayfailtokeepit，butIquittedheratdawn。ShallI
accompanythee？Ihavetoldherofthydeparture，shehaspromisedmetoremainwithoutanyamour；wehavemadeacompact。Ifshedeceivesme——wellafriendisworthmorethanamistress！”
“Oh！mygoodbrother“repliedtheMaille，quiteovercomewiththesewords，“Iwishtodemandoftheeastillhigherproofofthybraveheart。Wiltthoutakechargeofmywife，defendheragainstall，beherguide，keepherincheckandanswertomefortheintegrityofmyhead？Thoucanststayhereduringmyabsence，inthegreen-room，andbemywife\'scavalier。“
Lavalliereknittedhisbrowandsaid——
“ItisneithertheenorthywifethatIfear，butevil-mindedpeople，whowilltakeadvantageofthistoentangleuslikeskeinsofsilk。“
“Donotbeafraidofme，“repliedMaille，claspingLavallieretohisbreast。“IfitbethedivinewilloftheAlmightythatIshouldhavethemisfortunetobeacuckold，Ishouldbelessgrievedifitweretoyouradvantage。ButbymyfaithIshoulddieofgrief，formylifeisboundupinmygood，young，virtuouswife。“
Sayingwhich，heturnedawayhishead，inorderthatLavalliereshouldnotperceivethetearsinhiseyes；butthefinecourtiersawthisflowofwater，andtakingthehandofMaille——
“Brother，“saidhetohim，“Isweartotheeonmyhonourasaman，thatbeforeanyonelaysafingeronthywife，heshallhavefeltmydaggerinthedepthofhisveins！AndunlessIshoulddie，thoushaltfindheronthyreturn，intactinbodyifnotinheart，becausethoughtisbeyondthecontrolofgentlemen。“
“Itisthendecreedabove，“exclaimedMaille，“thatIshallalwaysbethyservantandthydebtor！”
Thereuponthecomradedeparted，inordernottobeinundatedwiththetears，exclamations，andotherexpressionsofgriefwhichladiesmakeuseofwhensaying“Farewell。“Lavallierehavingconductedhimtothegateofthetown，camebacktothehotel，waiteduntilMaried\'Annebautwasoutofbed，informedherofthedepartureofhergoodhusband，andofferedtoplacehimselfatherorders，insuchagracefulmanner，thatthemostvirtuouswomanwouldhavebeentickledwithadesiretokeepsuchaknighttoherself。Buttherewasnoneedofthisfinepaternostertoindoctrinatethelady，seeingthatshehadlistenedtothediscourseofthetwofriends，andwasgreatlyoffendedatherhusband\'sdoubt。Alas！Godaloneisperfect！Inalltheideasofmenthereisalwaysabadside，anditisthereforeagreatscienceinlife，butanimpossiblescience，totakeholdofeverything，evenastickbytherightend。Thecauseofthegreatdifficultythereisinpleasingtheladiesis，thatthereisitinthemathingwhichismorewomanthantheyare，andbutfortherespectwhichisduetothem，I
woulduseanotherword。Nowweshouldneverawakenthephantasyofthismalevolentthing。Theperfectgovernmentofwomanisatasktorendaman\'sheart，andwearecompelledtoremaininperfectsubmissiontothem；thatis，Iimagine，thebestmannerinwhichtosolvethemostagonisingenigmaofmarriage。
NowMaried\'Annebautwasdelightedwiththebearingandoffersofthisgallant；buttherewassomethinginhersmilewhichindicatedamaliciousidea，and，tospeakplainly，theintentionofputtingheryoungguardianbetweenhonourandpleasure；toregalehimsowithlove，tosurroundhimwithsomanylittleattentions，topursuehimwithsuchwarmglances，thathewouldbefaithlesstofriendship，totheadvantageofgallantry。
Everythingwasinperfecttrimforthecarryingoutofherdesign，becauseofthecompanionshipwhichtheSiredeLavallierewouldbeobligedtohavewithherduringhisstayinthehotel，andasthereisnothingintheworldcanturnawomanfromherwhim，ateveryturntheartfuljadewasreadytocatchhiminatrap。
Attimesshewouldmakehimremainseatednearherbythefire，untiltwelveo\'clockatnight，singingsoftrefrains，andateveryopportunityshowedherfairshoulders，andthewhitetemptationsofwhichhercorsetwasfull，andcastinguponhimathousandpiercingglances，allwithoutshowinginherfacethethoughtsthatsurgedinherbrain。
Attimesshewouldwalkwithhiminthemorning，inthegardensofthehotel，leaningheavilyuponhisarm，pressingit，sighing，andmakinghimtiethelacesofherlittleshoes，whichwerealwayscomingundoneinthatparticularplace。Thenitwouldbethosesoftwordsandthingswhichtheladiesunderstandsowell，littleattentionspaidtoaguest，suchascomingintoseeifhewerecomfortable，ifhisbedwerewellmade，theroomclean，iftheventilationweregood，ifhefeltanydraughtsinthenight，ifthesuncameinduringtheday，andaskinghimtoforgononeofhisusualfanciesandhabits，saying——
“Areyouaccustomedtotakeanythinginthemorninginbed，suchashoney，milk，orspice？Dothemealtimessuityou？Iwillconformminetoyours：tellme。Youareafraidtoaskme。Come——“
Sheaccompaniedthesecoddlinglittleattentionswithahundredaffectedspeeches；forinstance，oncomingintotheroomshewouldsay——
“Iamintruding，sendmeaway。Youwanttobeleftalone——Iwillgo。“
Andalwayswasshegraciouslyinvitedtoremain。
AndthecunningMadamealwayscamelightlyattired，showingsamplesofherbeauty，whichwouldhavemadeapatriarchneigh，evenwereheasmuchbatteredbytimeasmusthavebeenMr。Methusaleh，withhisninehundredandsixtyyears。
Thatgoodknightbeingassharpasaneedle，lettheladygoonwithhertricks，muchpleasedtoseeheroccupyherselfwithhim，sinceitwassomuchgained；butlikealoyalbrother，healwayscalledherabsenthusbandtothelady\'smind。
Nowoneevening——thedayhadbeenverywarm——Lavallieresuspectingthelady\'sgames，toldherthatMaillelovedherdearly，thatshehadinhimamanofhonour，agentlemanwhodotedonher，andwasticklishonthescoreofhiscrown。
“Whythen，ifheissoticklishinthismanner，hasheplacedyouhere？”
“Wasitnotamostprudentthing？”repliedhe。“Wasitnotnecessarytoconfideyoutosomedefenderofyourvirtue？Notthatitneedsonesavetoprotectyoufromwickedmen。“
“Thenyouaremyguardian？”saidshe。
“Iamproudofit！”exclaimedLavalliere。
“Ah！”saidshe，“hehasmadeaverybadchoice。“
Thisremarkwasaccompaniedbyalittlelook，solewdlylasciviousthatthegoodbrother-in-armsputon，bywayofreproach，aseverecountenance，andleftthefairladyalone，muchpiquedatthisrefusaltocommencelove\'sconflict。
Sheremainedindeepmeditation，andbegantosearchfortherealobstaclethatshehadencountered，foritwasimpossiblethatitshouldenterthemindofanylady，thatagentlemancoulddespisethatbagatellewhichisofsuchgreatpriceandsohighvalue。Nowthesethoughtsknittedandjoinedtogethersowell，onefittingintotheother，thatoutoflittlepiecessheconstructedaperfectwhole，andfoundherselfdesperatelyinlove；whichshouldteachtheladiesnevertoplaywithaman\'sweapons，seeingthatlikeglue，theyalwayssticktothefingers。
BythismeansMaried\'Annebautcametoaconclusionwhichsheshouldhaveknownatthecommencement——viz。，thattokeepclearofhersnares，thegoodknightmustbesmittenwithsomeotherlady，andlookingroundher，toseewhereheryoungguestcouldhavefoundaneedle-casetohistaste，shethoughtofthefairLimeuil，oneofQueenCatherine\'smaids，ofMesdamesdeNevers，d\'Estree，anddeGiac，allofwhomweredeclaredfriendsofLavalliere，andofthelothemustloveonetodistraction。
Fromthisbelief，sheaddedthemotiveofjealousytotheotherswhichtemptedhertoseduceherArgus，whomshedidnotwishtowound，buttoperfume，kisshishead，andtreatkindly。