Chapter2。XXII。
HowPanurgeservedaParisianladyatrickthatpleasedhernotverywell。
NowyoumustnotethatthenextdaywasthegreatfestivalofCorpusChristi，calledtheSacre，whereinallwomenputontheirbestapparel，andonthatdaythesaidladywasclothedinarichgownofcrimsonsatin，underwhichsheworeaverycostlywhitevelvetpetticoat。
Thedayoftheeve，calledthevigil，Panurgesearchedsolongofonesideandanotherthathefoundahotorsaltbitch，which，whenhehadtiedherwithhisgirdle，heledtohischamberandfedherverywellallthatdayandnight。Inthemorningthereafterhekilledher，andtookthatpartofherwhichtheGreekgeomancersknow，andcutitintoseveralsmallpiecesassmallashecould。Then，carryingitawayascloseasmightbe，hewenttotheplacewheretheladywastocomealongtofollowtheprocession，asthecustomisuponthesaidholyday；andwhenshecameinPanurgesprinkledsomeholywateronher，salutingherverycourteously。Then，alittlewhileaftershehadsaidherpettydevotions，hesatdownclosebyheruponthesamebench，andgaveherthisroundelayinwriting，inmannerasfolloweth。
ARoundelay。
Forthisonetime，thatItoyoumyloveDiscovered，youdidtoocruelprove，Tosendmepacking，hopeless，andsosoon，Whoneveranywrongtoyouhaddone，Inanykindofaction，word，orthought:
Sothat，ifmysuitlikedyounot，yououghtT\'havespokemorecivilly，andtothissense，Myfriend，bepleasedtodepartfromhence，Forthisonetime。
WhathurtdoI，towishyoutoremark，Withfavourandcompassion，howasparkOfyourgreatbeautyhathinflamedmyheartWithdeepaffection，andthat，formypart，IonlyaskthatyouwithmewoulddanceThebranglegayinfeatsofdalliance，Forthisonetime？
And，asshewasopeningthispapertoseewhatitwas，Panurgeverypromptlyandlightlyscatteredthedrugthathehaduponherindiversplaces，butespeciallyintheplaitsofhersleevesandofhergown。Thensaidheuntoher，Madam，thepoorloversarenotalwaysatease。Asforme，Ihopethatthoseheavynights，thosepainsandtroubles，whichI
sufferforloveofyou，shallbeadeductiontomeofsomuchpaininpurgatory；yet，attheleast，praytoGodtogivemepatienceinmymisery。
Panurgehadnosoonerspokethisbutallthedogsthatwereinthechurchcamerunningtothisladywiththesmellofthedrugsthathehadstreweduponher，bothsmallandgreat，bigandlittle，allcame，layingouttheirmember，smellingtoher，andpissingeverywhereuponher——itwasthegreatestvillainyintheworld。Panurgemadethefashionofdrivingthemaway；thentookhisleaveofherandwithdrewhimselfintosomechapelororatoryofthesaidchurchtoseethesport；forthesevillainousdogsdidcompissallherhabiliments，andleftnoneofherattireunbesprinkledwiththeirstaling；insomuchthatatallgreyhoundpisseduponherhead，othersinhersleeves，othersonhercrupper-piece，andthelittleonespisseduponherpataines；sothatallthewomenthatwereroundaboutherhadmuchadotosaveher。WhereatPanurgeveryheartilylaughing，hesaidtooneofthelordsofthecity，Ibelievethatsameladyishot，orelsethatsomegreyhoundhathcoveredherlately。Andwhenhesawthatallthedogswereflockingabouther，yarringattheretardmentoftheiraccesstoher，andeverywaykeepingsuchacoilwithherastheyarewonttodoaboutaproudorsaltbitch，heforthwithdepartedfromthence，andwenttocallPantagruel，notforgettinginhiswayalongstthestreetsthroughwhichhewent，wherehefoundanydogstogivethemabangwithhisfoot，saying，Willyounotgowithyourfellowstothewedding？Away，hence，avant，avant，withadevilavant！Andbeingcomehome，hesaidtoPantagruel，Master，Iprayyoucomeandseeallthedogsofthecountry，howtheyareassembledaboutalady，thefairestinthecity，andwouldduffleandlineher。WhereuntoPantagruelwillinglycondescended，andsawthemystery，whichhefoundveryprettyandstrange。Butthebestwasattheprocession，inwhichwereseenabovesixhundredthousandandfourteendogsabouther，whichdidverymuchtroubleandmolesther，andwhithersoevershepassed，thosedogsthatcameafresh，tracingherfootsteps，followedherattheheels，andpissedinthewaywherehergownhadtouched。Alltheworldstoodgazingatthisspectacle，consideringthecountenanceofthosedogs，who，leapingup，gotaboutherneckandspoiledallhergorgeousaccoutrements，forthewhichshecouldfindnoremedybuttoretireuntoherhouse，whichwasapalace。Thithershewent，andthedogsafterher；sherantohideherself，butthechambermaidscouldnotabstainfromlaughing。Whenshewasenteredintothehouseandhadshutthedooruponherself，allthedogscamerunningofhalfaleagueround，anddidsowellbepissthegateofherhousethattheretheymadeastreamwiththeirurinewhereinaduckmighthaveverywellswimmed，anditisthesamecurrentthatnowrunsatSt。Victor，inwhichGobelindyethscarlet，forthespecificalvirtueofthesepiss-dogs，asourmasterDoribusdidheretoforepreachpublicly。SomayGodhelpyou，amillwouldhavegroundcornwithit。YetnotsomuchasthoseofBasacleatToulouse。
Chapter2。XXIII。
HowPantagrueldepartedfromParis，hearingnewsthattheDipsodeshadinvadedthelandoftheAmaurots；andthecausewhereforetheleaguesaresoshortinFrance。
AlittlewhileafterPantagruelheardnewsthathisfatherGargantuahadbeentranslatedintothelandofthefairiesbyMorgue，asheretoforewereOgierandArthur；asalso，Intheoriginaleditionitstands\'together，andthat。\'——M。thatthereportofhistranslationbeingspreadabroad，theDipsodeshadissuedoutbeyondtheirborders，withinroadshadwastedagreatpartofUtopia，andatthatverytimehadbesiegedthegreatcityoftheAmaurots。WhereupondepartingfromPariswithoutbiddinganymanfarewell，forthebusinessrequireddiligence，hecametoRouen。
NowPantagruelinhisjourneyseeingthattheleaguesofthatlittleterritoryaboutPariscalledFrancewereveryshortinregardofthoseofothercountries，demandedthecauseandreasonofitfromPanurge，whotoldhimastorywhichMarotusoftheLac，monachus，setdownintheActsoftheKingsofCanarre，sayingthatinoldtimescountrieswerenotdistinguishedintoleagues，miles，furlongs，norparasangs，untilthatKingPharamonddividedthem，whichwasdoneinmannerasfolloweth。ThesaidkingchoseatParisahundredfair，gallant，lusty，briskyoungmen，allresoluteandboldadventurersinCupid\'sduels，togetherwithahundredcomely，pretty，handsome，lovelyandwell-complexionedwenchesofPicardy，allwhichhecausedtobewellentertainedandhighlyfedforthespaceofeightdays。
Thenhavingcalledforthem，hedeliveredtoeveryoneoftheyoungmenhiswench，withstoreofmoneytodefraytheircharges，andthisinjunctionbesides，togountodiversplaceshereandthere。Andwheresoevertheyshouldbiscotandthrumtheirwenches，that，theysettingastonethere，itshouldbeaccountedforaleague。Thuswentawaythosebravefellowsandsprightlybladesmostmerrily，andbecausetheywerefreshandhadbeenatrest，theyveryoftenjummedandfanfreluchedalmostateveryfield\'send，andthisisthecausewhytheleaguesaboutParisaresoshort。Butwhentheyhadgoneagreatway，andwerenowaswearyaspoordevils，alltheoilintheirlampsbeingalmostspent，theydidnotchinkanddufflesooften，butcontentedthemselvesImeanforthemen\'spartwithonescurvypaltryboutinaday，andthisisthatwhichmakestheleaguesinBrittany，Delanes，Germany，andothermoreremotecountriessolong。Othermengiveotherreasonsforit，butthisseemstomeofallotherthebest。TowhichPantagruelwillinglyadhered。PartingfromRouen，theyarrivedatHonfleur，wheretheytookshipping，Pantagruel，Panurge，Epistemon，Eusthenes，andCarpalin。
Inwhichplace，waitingforafavourablewind，andcaulkingtheirship，hereceivedfromaladyofParis，whichIhehadformerlykeptandentertainedagoodlongtime，aletterdirectedontheoutsidethus，——Tothebestbelovedofthefairwomen，andleastloyalofthevaliantmen——
P。N。T。G。R。L。
Chapter2。XXIV。
AletterwhichamessengerbroughttoPantagruelfromaladyofParis，togetherwiththeexpositionofaposywritteninagoldring。
WhenPantagruelhadreadthesuperscriptionhewasmuchamazed，andthereforedemandedofthesaidmessengerthenameofherthathadsentit。
Thenopenedhetheletter，andfoundnothingwritteninit，norotherwiseenclosed，butonlyagoldring，withasquaretablediamond。Wonderingatthis，hecalledPanurgetohim，andshowedhimthecase。WhereuponPanurgetoldhimthattheleafofpaperwaswrittenupon，butwithsuchcunningandartificethatnomancouldseethewritingatthefirstsight。Therefore，tofinditout，hesetitbythefiretoseeifitwasmadewithsalammoniacsoakedinwater。Thenputheitintothewater，toseeiftheletterwaswrittenwiththejuiceoftithymalle。Afterthathehelditupagainstthecandle，toseeifitwaswrittenwiththejuiceofwhiteonions。
Thenherubbedonepartofitwithoilofnuts，toseeifitwerenotwrittenwiththeleeofafig-tree，andanotherpartofitwiththemilkofawomangivingsucktohereldestdaughter，toseeifitwaswrittenwiththebloodofredtoadsorgreenearth-frogs。Afterwardsherubbedonecornerwiththeashesofaswallow\'snest，toseeifitwerenotwrittenwiththedewthatisfoundwithintheherbalcakengy，calledthewinter-
cherry。Herubbed，afterthat，oneendwithear-wax，toseeifitwerenotwrittenwiththegallofaraven。Thendidhedipitintovinegar，totryifitwasnotwrittenwiththejuiceofthegardenspurge。Afterthathegreaseditwiththefatofabatorflittermouse，toseeifitwasnotwrittenwiththespermofawhale，whichsomecallambergris。Thenputitveryfairlyintoabasinfuloffreshwater，andforthwithtookitout，toseewhetheritwerewrittenwithstone-alum。Butafterallexperiments，whenheperceivedthathecouldfindoutnothing，hecalledthemessengerandaskedhim，Goodfellow，theladythatsenttheehither，didshenotgivetheeastafftobringwiththee？thinkingthatithadbeenaccordingtotheconceitwhereofAulusGelliusmakethmention。Andthemessengeransweredhim，No，sir。ThenPanurgewouldhavecausedhisheadtobeshaven，toseewhethertheladyhadwrittenuponhisbaldpate，withthehardlyewhereofsoapismade，thatwhichshemeant；but，perceivingthathishairwasverylong，heforbore，consideringthatitcouldnothavegrowntosogreatalengthinsoshortatime。
ThenhesaidtoPantagruel，Master，bythevirtueofG——，Icannottellwhattodonorsayinit。For，toknowwhethertherebeanythingwrittenuponthisorno，IhavemadeuseofagoodpartofthatwhichMasterFranciscodiNianto，theTuscan，setsdown，whohathwrittenthemannerofreadinglettersthatdonotappear；thatwhichZoroastespublished，Perigrammatonacriton；andCalphurniusBassus，Deliterisillegibilibus。ButI
canseenothing，nordoIbelievethatthereisanythingelseinitthanthering。Letus，therefore，lookuponit。Whichwhentheyhaddone，theyfoundthisinHebrewwrittenwithin，Lamachsabachthani；whereupontheycalledEpistemon，andaskedhimwhatthatmeant。TowhichheansweredthattheywereHebrewwords，signifying，Whereforehastthouforsakenme？UponthatPanurgesuddenlyreplied，Iknowthemystery。Doyouseethisdiamond？Itisafalseone。This，then，istheexpositionofthatwhichtheladymeans，Diamantfaux，thatis，falselover，whyhastthouforsakenme？WhichinterpretationPantagruelpresentlyunderstood，andwithalrememberingthatathisdeparturehehadnotbidtheladyfarewell，hewasverysorry，andwouldfainhavereturnedtoParistomakehispeacewithher。ButEpistemonputhiminmindofAeneas\'sdeparturefromDido，andthesayingofHeraclitusofTarentum，Thattheshipbeingatanchor，whenneedrequirethwemustcutthecableratherthanlosetimeaboutuntyingofit，——andthatheshouldlayasideallotherthoughtstosuccourthecityofhisnativity，whichwasthenindanger。And，indeed，withinanhourafterthatthewindaroseatthenorth-north-west，wherewiththeyhoistsail，andputout，evenintothemainsea，sothatwithinfewdays，passingbyPortoSanctoandbytheMadeiras，theywentashoreintheCanaryIslands。
Partingfromthence，theypassedbyCapobianco，bySenege，byCapoverde，byGambre，bySagres，byMelli，bytheCapdiBuonaSperanza，andsetashoreagaininthekingdomofMelinda。Partingfromthence，theysailedawaywithatramontaneornortherlywind，passingbyMeden，byUti，byUden，byGelasim，bytheIslesoftheFairies，andalongstthekingdomofAchorie，tillatlasttheyarrivedattheportofUtopia，distantfromthecityoftheAmaurotsthreeleaguesandsomewhatmore。
Whentheywereashore，andprettywellrefreshed，Pantagruelsaid，Gentlemen，thecityisnotfarfromhence；therefore，wereitnotamiss，beforewesetforward，toadvisewellwhatistobedone，thatwebenotliketheAthenians，whonevertookcounseluntilafterthefact？Areyouresolvedtoliveanddiewithme？Yes，sir，saidtheyall，andbeasconfidentofusasofyourownfingers。Well，saidhe，thereisbutonethingthatkeepsmymindingreatdoubtandsuspense，whichisthis，thatI
knownotinwhatordernorofwhatnumbertheenemyisthatlayethsiegetothecity；for，ifIwerecertainofthat，Ishouldgoforwardandsetonwiththebetterassurance。Letusthereforeconsulttogether，andbethinkourselvesbywhatmeanswemaycometothisintelligence。Whereuntotheyallsaid，Letusgothitherandsee，andstayyouhereforus；forthisveryday，withoutfurtherrespite，dowemakeaccounttobringyouacertainreportthereof。
Myself，saidPanurge，willundertaketoenterintotheircamp，withintheverymidstoftheirguards，unespiedbytheirwatch，andmerrilyfeastandlecheritattheircost，withoutbeingknownofany，toseetheartilleryandthetentsofallthecaptains，andthrustmyselfinwithagraveandmagnificcarriageamongstalltheirtroopsandcompanies，withoutbeingdiscovered。Thedevilwouldnotbeabletopeckmeoutwithallhiscircumventions，forIamoftheraceofZopyrus。
AndI，saidEpistemon，knowalltheplotsandstrategemsofthevaliantcaptainsandwarlikechampionsofformerages，togetherwithallthetricksandsubtletiesoftheartofwar。Iwillgo，and，thoughIbedetectedandrevealed，IwillescapebymakingthembelieveofyouwhateverIplease，forIamoftheraceofSinon。
I，saidEusthenes，willenterandsetuponthemintheirtrenches，inspiteoftheirsentriesandalltheirguards；forIwilltreadupontheirbelliesandbreaktheirlegsandarms，yea，thoughtheywereeverywhitasstrongasthedevilhimself，forIamoftheraceofHercules。
AndI，saidCarpalin，willgetinthereifthebirdscanenter，forIamsonimbleofbody，andlightwithal，thatIshallhaveleapedovertheirtrenches，andrancleanthroughalltheircamp，beforethattheyperceiveme；neitherdoIfearshot，norarrow，norhorse，howswiftsoever，werehethePegasusofPerseusorPacolet，beingassuredthatIshallbeabletomakeasafeandsoundescapebeforethemallwithoutanyhurt。Iwillundertaketowalkupontheearsofcornorgrassinthemeadows，withoutmakingeitherofthemdosomuchasbowunderme，forIamoftheraceofCamillatheAmazon。
Chapter2。XXV。
HowPanurge，Carpalin，Eusthenes，andEpistemon，thegentlemenattendantsofPantagruel，vanquishedanddiscomfitedsixhundredandthreescorehorsemenverycunningly。
Ashewasspeakingthis，theyperceivedsixhundredandthreescorelighthorsemen，gallantlymounted，whomadeanoutroadthithertoseewhatshipitwasthatwasnewlyarrivedintheharbour，andcameinafullgalloptotakethemiftheyhadbeenable。ThensaidPantagruel，Mylads，retireyourselvesuntotheship；herearesomeofourenemiescomingapace，butI
willkillthemherebeforeyoulikebeasts，althoughtheyweretentimessomany；inthemeantime，withdrawyourselves，andtakeyoursportatit。
ThenansweredPanurge，No，sir；thereisnoreasonthatyoushoulddoso，but，onthecontrary，retireyouuntotheship，bothyouandtherest，forIalonewillherediscomfitthem；butwemustnotlinger；come，setforward。Whereuntotheotherssaid，Itiswelladvised，sir；withdrawyourself，andwewillhelpPanurgehere，soshallyouknowwhatweareabletodo。ThensaidPantagruel，Well，Iamcontent；but，ifthatyoubetooweak，Iwillnotfailtocometoyourassistance。WiththisPanurgetooktwogreatcablesoftheshipandtiedthemtothekemstockorcapstanwhichwasonthedecktowardsthehatches，andfastenedthemintheground，makingalongcircuit，theonefurtheroff，theotherwithinthat。ThensaidhetoEpistemon，Goaboardtheship，and，whenIgiveyouacall，turnaboutthecapstanupontheorlopdiligently，drawinguntoyouthetwocable-ropes；andsaidtoEusthenesandtoCarpalin，Mybullies，stayyouhere，andofferyourselvesfreelytoyourenemies。Doastheybidyou，andmakeasifyouwouldyielduntothem，buttakeheedyoucomenotwithinthecompassoftheropes——besuretokeepyourselvesfreeofthem。Andpresentlyhewentaboardtheship，andtookabundleofstrawandabarrelofgunpowder，streweditroundaboutthecompassofthecords，andstoodbywithabrandoffireormatchlightedinhishand。Presentlycamethehorsemenwithgreatfury，andtheforemostranalmosthometotheship，and，byreasonoftheslipperinessofthebank，theyfell，theyandtheirhorses，tothenumberoffourandforty；whichtherestseeing，cameon，thinkingthatresistancehadbeenmadethemattheirarrival。ButPanurgesaiduntothem，Mymasters，Ibelievethatyouhavehurtyourselves；Iprayyoupardonus，foritisnotourfault，buttheslipperinessofthesea-
waterthatisalwaysflowing；wesubmitourselvestoyourgoodpleasure。
Sosaidlikewisehistwootherfellows，andEpistemonthatwasuponthedeck。InthemeantimePanurgewithdrewhimself，andseeingthattheywereallwithinthecompassofthecables，andthathistwocompanionswereretired，makingroomforallthosehorseswhichcameinacrowd，throngingupontheneckofoneanothertoseetheshipandsuchaswereinit，criedoutonasuddentoEpistemon，Draw，draw！ThenbeganEpistemontowindaboutthecapstan，bydoingwhereofthetwocablessoentangledandempesteredthelegsofthehorses，thattheywereallofthemthrowndowntothegroundeasily，togetherwiththeirriders。Butthey，seeingthat，drewtheirswords，andwouldhavecutthem；whereuponPanurgesetfiretothetrain，andthereburntthemupalllikedamnedsouls，bothmenandhorses，notoneescapingsaveonealone，whobeingmountedonafleetTurkeycourser，bymerespeedinflightgothimselfoutofthecircleoftheropes。ButwhenCarpalinperceivedhim，heranafterhimwithsuchnimblenessandceleritythatheovertookhiminlessthanahundredpaces；
then，leapingclosebehindhimuponthecrupperofhishorse，claspedhiminhisarms，andbroughthimbacktotheship。
Thisexploitbeingended，Pantagruelwasveryjovial，andwondrouslycommendedtheindustryofthesegentlemen，whomhecalledhisfellow-
soldiers，andmadethemrefreshthemselvesandfeedwellandmerrilyupontheseashore，anddrinkheartilywiththeirbelliesupontheground，andtheirprisonerwiththem，whomtheyadmittedtothatfamiliarity；onlythatthepoordevilwassomewhatafraidthatPantagruelwouldhaveeatenhimupwhole，which，consideringthewidenessofhismouthandcapacityofhisthroatwasnogreatmatterforhimtohavedone；forhecouldhavedoneitaseasilyasyouwouldeatasmallcomfit，heshowingnomoreinhisthroatthanwouldagrainofmillet-seedinthemouthofanass。
Chapter2。XXVI。
HowPantagruelandhiscompanywerewearyineatingstillsaltmeats；andhowCarpalinwenta-huntingtohavesomevenison。
Thusastheytalkedandchattedtogether，Carpalinsaid，And，bythebellyofSt。Quenet，shallwenevereatanyvenison？Thissaltmeatmakesmehorriblydry。Iwillgofetchyouaquarterofoneofthosehorseswhichwehaveburnt；itiswellroastedalready。Ashewasrisinguptogoaboutit，heperceivedunderthesideofawoodafairgreatroebuck，whichwascomeoutofhisfort，asIconceive，atthesightofPanurge\'sfire。Himdidhepursueandrunafterwithasmuchvigourandswiftnessasifithadbeenaboltoutofacrossbow，andcaughthiminamoment；andwhilsthewasinhiscoursehewithhishandstookintheairfourgreatbustards，sevenbitterns，sixandtwentygreypartridges，twoandthirtyred-leggedones，sixteenpheasants，ninewoodcocks，nineteenherons，twoandthirtycushatsandringdoves；andwithhisfeetkilledtenortwelveharesandrabbits，whichwerethenatreliefandprettybigwithal，eighteenrailsinaknottogether，withfifteenyoungwild-boars，twolittlebeavers，andthreegreatfoxes。So，strikingthekidwithhisfalchionathwartthehead，hekilledhim，and，bearinghimonhisback，heinhisreturntookuphishares，rails，andyoungwild-boars，and，asfaroffashecouldbeheard，criedoutandsaid，Panurge，myfriend，vinegar，vinegar！ThenthegoodPantagruel，thinkinghehadfainted，commandedthemtoprovidehimsomevinegar；butPanurgeknewwellthattherewassomegoodpreyinhands，andforthwithshoweduntonoblePantagruelhowhewasbearinguponhisbackafairroebuck，andallhisgirdleborderedwithhares。ThenimmediatelydidEpistemonmake，inthenameofthenineMuses，nineantiquewoodenspits。Eusthenesdidhelptoflay，andPanurgeplacedtwogreatcuirassiersaddlesinsuchsortthattheyservedforandirons，andmakingtheirprisonertobetheircook，theyroastedtheirvenisonbythefirewhereinthehorsemenwereburnt；andmakinggreatcheerwithagooddealofvinegar，thedevilaoneofthemdidforbearfromhisvictuals——itwasatriumphantandincomparablespectacletoseehowtheyravenedanddevoured。
ThensaidPantagruel，WouldtoGodeveryoneofyouhadtwopairsoflittleanthemorsacringbellshangingatyourchin，andthatIhadatminethegreatclocksofRennes，ofPoictiers，ofTours，andofCambray，toseewhatapealtheywouldringwiththewaggingofourchaps。But，saidPanurge，itwerebetterwethoughtalittleuponourbusiness，andbywhatmeanswemightgettheupperhandofourenemies。Thatiswellremembered，saidPantagruel。Thereforespokehethustotheprisoner，Myfriend，tellusherethetruth，anddonotlietousatall，ifthouwouldstnotbeflayedalive，foritisIthateatthelittlechildren。Relateuntousatfulltheorder，thenumber，andthestrengthofthearmy。Towhichtheprisoneranswered，Sir，knowforatruththatinthearmytherearethreehundredgiants，allarmedwitharmourofproof，andwonderfulgreat。Nevertheless，notfullysogreatasyou，exceptonethatistheirhead，namedLoupgarou，whoisarmedfromheadtofootwithcyclopicalanvils。Furthermore，onehundredthreescoreandthreethousandfoot，allarmedwiththeskinsofhobgoblins，strongandvaliantmen；eleventhousandfourhundredmen-at-
armsorcuirassiers；threethousandsixhundreddoublecannons，andarquebusierswithoutnumber；fourscoreandfourteenthousandpioneers；onehundredandfiftythousandwhores，fairlikegoddesses——Thatisforme，saidPanurge——whereofsomeareAmazons，someLionnoises，othersParisiennes，Taurangelles，Angevines，Poictevines，Normandes，andHighDutch——thereareofthemofallcountriesandalllanguages。
Yeabut，saidPantagruel，isthekingthere？Yes，sir，saidtheprisoner；
heisthereinperson，andwecallhimAnarchus，kingoftheDipsodes，whichisasmuchtosayasthirstypeople，foryouneversawmenmorethirsty，normorewillingtodrink，andhistentisguardedbythegiants。
Itisenough，saidPantagruel。Come，braveboys，areyouresolvedtogowithme？TowhichPanurgeanswered，Godconfoundhimthatleavesyou！I
havealreadybethoughtmyselfhowIwillkillthemalllikepigs，andsothedevilonelegofthemshallescape。ButIamsomewhattroubledaboutonething。Andwhatisthat？saidPantagruel。Itis，saidPanurge，howI
shallbeabletosetforwardtothejustlingandbragmardizingofallthewhoresthatbetherethisafternoon，insuchsortthatthereescapenotoneunbumpedbyme，breastedandjummedaftertheordinaryfashionofmanandwomenintheVenetianconflict。Ha，ha，ha，ha，saidPantagruel。
AndCarpalinsaid:Thedeviltakethesesink-holes，if，byG——，Idonotbumbastesomeoneofthem。ThensaidEusthenes:What！shallnotIhaveany，whosepaces，sincewecamefromRouen，wereneversowellwindedupasthatmyneedlecouldmounttotenoreleveno\'clock，tillnowthatIhaveithard，stiff，andstrong，likeahundreddevils？Truly，saidPanurge，thoushalthaveofthefattest，andofthosethataremostplumpandinthebestcase。
Hownow！saidEpistemon；everyoneshallride，andImustleadtheass？Thedeviltakehimthatwilldoso。Wewillmakeuseoftherightofwar，Quipotestcapere，capiat。No，no，saidPanurge，buttiethineasstoacrook，andrideastheworlddoth。AndthegoodPantagruellaughedatallthis，andsaiduntothem，Youreckonwithoutyourhost。Iammuchafraidthat，beforeitbenight，Ishallseeyouinsuchtakingthatyouwillhavenogreatstomachtoride，butmoreliketoberodeuponwithsoundblowsofpikeandlance。Baste，saidEpistemon，enoughofthat！Iwillnotfailtobringthemtoyou，eithertoroastorboil，tofryorputinpaste。TheyarenotsomanyinnumberaswereinthearmyofXerxes，forhehadthirtyhundredthousandfighting-men，ifyouwillbelieveHerodotusandTrogusPompeius，andyetThemistocleswithafewmenoverthrewthemall。ForGod\'ssake，takeyounocareforthat。Cobsminny，cobsminny，saidPanurge；
mycodpiecealoneshallsufficetooverthrowallthemen；andmySt。
Sweephole，thatdwellswithinit，shalllayallthewomensquatupontheirbacks。Upthen，mylads，saidPantagruel，andletusmarchalong。
Chapter2。XXVII。
HowPantagruelsetuponetrophyinmemorialoftheirvalour，andPanurgeanotherinremembranceofthehares。HowPantagruellikewisewithhisfartsbegatlittlemen，andwithhisfisgslittlewomen；andhowPanurgebrokeagreatstaffovertwoglasses。
Beforewedeparthence，saidPantagruel，inremembranceoftheexploitthatyouhavenowperformedIwillinthisplaceerectafairtrophy。Theneverymanamongstthem，withgreatjoyandfinelittlecountrysongs，setupahugebigpost，whereuntotheyhangedagreatcuirassiersaddle，thefronstalofabarbedhorse，bridle-bosses，pulley-piecesfortheknees，stirrup-leathers，spurs，stirrups，acoatofmail，acorslettemperedwithsteel，abattle-axe，astrong，short，andsharphorseman\'ssword，agauntlet，ahorseman\'smace，gushet-armourforthearmpits，leg-harness，andagorget，withallotherfurnitureneedfulforthedecorementofatriumphantarch，insignofatrophy。AndthenPantagruel，foraneternalmemorial，wrotethisvictorialditton，asfolloweth:——
HerewastheprowessmadeapparentofFourbraveandvaliantchampionsofproof，Who，withoutanyarmsbutwit，atonce，LikeFabius，orthetwoScipions，BurntinafiresixhundredandthreescoreCrablice，strongroguesne\'ervanquishedbefore。
Bythiseachkingmaylearn，rook，pawn，andknight，Thatsleightismuchmoreprevalentthanmight。
Forvictory，Asallmensee，HangsonthedittyOfthatcommitteeWherethegreatGodHathhisabode。
Nordothheittostrongandgreatmengive，Buttohiselect，aswemustbelieve；
Thereforeshallheobtainwealthandesteem，Whothoroughfaithdothputhistrustinhim。
WhilstPantagruelwaswritingtheseforesaidverses，Panurgehalvedandfixeduponagreatstakethehornsofaroebuck，togetherwiththeskinandtherightforefootthereof，theearsofthreeleverets，thechineofaconey，thejawsofahare，thewingsoftwobustards，thefeetoffourqueest-doves，abottleorborrachofullofvinegar，ahornwhereintoputsalt，awoodenspit，alardingstick，ascurvykettlefullofholes，adripping-pantomakesaucein，anearthensalt-cellar，andagobletofBeauvais。Then，inimitationofPantagruel\'sversesandtrophy，wrotethatwhichfolloweth:——
HerewasitthatfourjovialbladessatdownToaprofoundcarousing，andtocrownTheirbanquetwiththosewineswhichpleasebestgreatBacchus，themonarchoftheirdrinkingstate。
Thenwerethereinsandfurchofayounghare，Withsaltandvinegar，displayedthere，OfwhichtosnatchabitortwoatonceTheyallfellonlikehungryscorpions。
Forth\'InventoriesOfDefensoriesSaythatinheatWemustdrinkneatAllout，andofThechoiceststuff。
Butitisbadtoeatofyounghare\'sflesh，Unlesswithvinegarweitrefresh。
Receivethistenet，then，withoutcontrol，Thatvinegarofthatmeatisthesoul。
ThensaidPantagruel，Come，mylads，letusbegone！wehavestayedheretoolongaboutourvictuals；forveryseldomdothitfalloutthatthegreatesteatersdothemostmartialexploits。Thereisnoshadowlikethatofflyingcolours，nosmokelikethatofhorses，noclatteringlikethatofarmour。AtthisEpistemonbegantosmile，andsaid，Thereisnoshadowlikethatofthekitchen，nosmokelikethatofpasties，andnoclatteringlikethatofgoblets。UntowhichansweredPanurge，Thereisnoshadowlikethatofcurtains，nosmokelikethatofwomen\'sbreasts，andnoclatteringlikethatofballocks。Thenforthwithrisinguphegaveafart，aleap，andawhistle，andmostjoyfullycriedoutaloud，EverlivePantagruel！
WhenPantagruelsawthat，hewouldhavedoneasmuch；butwiththefartthathelettheearthtremblednineleaguesabout，wherewithandwiththecorruptedairhebegotabovethreeandfiftythousandlittlemen，ill-
favoureddwarfs，andwithonefisgthathelethemadeasmanylittlewomen，crouchingdown，asyoushallseeindiversplaces，whichnevergrowbutlikecow\'stails，downwards，or，liketheLimosinradishes，round。Hownow！saidPanurge，areyourfartssofertileandfruitful？ByG——，herebebravefartedmenandfisguedwomen；letthembemarriedtogether；theywillbegetfinehornetsanddorflies。SodidPantagruel，andcalledthempigmies。Thosehesenttoliveinanislandthereby，wheresincethattimetheyareincreasedmightily。Butthecranesmakewarwiththemcontinually，againstwhichtheydomostcourageouslydefendthemselves；fortheselittleendsofmenanddandipratswhominScotlandtheycallwhiphandlesandknotsofatar-barrelarecommonlyverytestyandcholeric；thephysicalreasonwhereofis，becausetheirheartisneartheirspleen。
AtthissametimePanurgetooktwodrinkingglassesthatwerethere，bothofonebigness，andfilledthemwithwateruptothebrim，andsetoneofthemupononestoolandtheotheruponanother，placingthemaboutonefootfromoneanother。Thenhetookthestaffofajavelin，aboutfivefootandahalflong，andputituponthetwoglasses，sothatthetwoendsofthestaffdidcomejusttothebrimsoftheglasses。Thisdone，hetookagreatstakeorbilletofwood，andsaidtoPantagruelandtotherest，Mymasters，beholdhoweasilyweshallhavethevictoryoverourenemies；forjustasIshallbreakthisstaffhereupontheseglasses，withouteitherbreakingorcrazingofthem，nay，whichismore，withoutspillingonedropofthewaterthatiswithinthem，evensoshallwebreaktheheadsofourDipsodeswithoutreceivinganyofusanywoundorlossinourpersonorgoods。But，thatyoumaynotthinkthereisanywitchcraftinthis，hold！
saidhetoEusthenes，strikeuponthemidstashardasthoucanstwiththislog。Eusthenesdidso，andthestaffbrokeintwopieces，andnotonedropofthewaterfelloutoftheglasses。Thensaidhe，Iknowagreatmanysuchothertricks；letusnowthereforemarchboldlyandwithassurance。
Chapter2。XXVIII。
HowPantagruelgotthevictoryverystrangelyovertheDipsodesandtheGiants。
Afterallthistalk，Pantagrueltooktheprisonertohimandsenthimaway，saying，Gothouuntothykinginhiscamp，andtellhimtidingsofwhatthouhastseen，andlethimresolvetofeastmeto-morrowaboutnoon；for，assoonasmygalleysshallcome，whichwillbeto-morrowatfurthest，I
willproveuntohimbyeighteenhundredthousandfighting-menandseventhousandgiants，allofthemgreaterthanIam，thathehathdonefoolishlyandagainstreasonthustoinvademycountry。WhereinPantagruelfeignedthathehadanarmyatsea。Buttheprisoneransweredthathewouldyieldhimselftobehisslave，andthathewascontentnevertoreturntohisownpeople，butratherwithPantagrueltofightagainstthem，andforGod\'ssakebesoughthimthathemightbepermittedsotodo。WhereuntoPantagruelwouldnotgiveconsent，butcommandedhimtodepartthencespeedilyandbegoneashehadtoldhim，andtothateffectgavehimaboxfulofeuphorbium，togetherwithsomegrainsoftheblackchameleonthistle，steepedintoaquavitae，andmadeupintothecondimentofawetsucket，commandinghimtocarryittohisking，andtosayuntohim，thatifhewereabletoeatoneounceofthatwithoutdrinkingafterit，hemightthenbeabletoresisthimwithoutanyfearorapprehensionofdanger。
Theprisonerthenbesoughthimwithjoinedhandsthatinthehourofthebattlehewouldhavecompassionuponhim。WhereatPantagruelsaiduntohim，Afterthatthouhastdeliveredalluntotheking，putthywholeconfidenceinGod，andhewillnotforsakethee；because，althoughformypartIbemighty，asthoumaystsee，andhaveaninfinitenumberofmeninarms，Idoneverthelesstrustneitherinmyforcenorinmineindustry，butallmyconfidenceisinGodmyprotector，whodothneverforsakethosethatinhimdoputtheirtrustandconfidence。Thisdone，theprisonerrequestedhimthathewouldaffordhimsomereasonablecompositionforhisransom。TowhichPantagruelanswered，thathisendwasnottorobnorransommen，buttoenrichthemandreducethemtototalliberty。Gothyway，saidhe，inthepeaceofthelivingGod，andneverfollowevilcompany，lestsomemischiefbefallthee。Theprisonerbeinggone，Pantagruelsaidtohismen，Gentlemen，Ihavemadethisprisonerbelievethatwehaveanarmyatsea；asalsothatwewillnotassaultthemtillto-
morrowatnoon，totheendthatthey，doubtingofthegreatarrivalofourmen，mayspendthisnightinprovidingandstrengtheningthemselves，butinthemeantimemyintentionisthatwechargethemaboutthehourofthefirstsleep。
LetusleavePantagruelherewithhisapostles，andspeakofKingAnarchusandhisarmy。Whentheprisonerwascomehewentuntothekingandtoldhimhowtherewasagreatgiantcome，calledPantagruel，whohadoverthrownandmadetobecruellyroastedallthesixhundredandnineandfiftyhorsemen，andhealoneescapedtobringthenews。Besidesthat，hewaschargedbythesaidgianttotellhimthatthenextday，aboutnoon，hemustmakeadinnerreadyforhim，foratthathourhewasresolvedtosetuponhim。Thendidhegivehimthatboxwhereinwerethoseconfitures。
Butassoonashehadswalloweddownonespoonfulofthem，hewastakenwithsuchaheatinthethroat，togetherwithanulcerationintheflapofthetopofthewindpipe，thathistonguepeeledwithitinsuchsortthat，foralltheycoulddountohim，hefoundnoeaseatallbutbydrinkingonlywithoutcessation；forassoonaseverhetookthegobletfromhishead，histonguewasonafire，andthereforetheydidnothingbutstillpourinwineintohisthroatwithafunnel。Whichwhenhiscaptains，bashaws，andguardofhisbodydidsee，theytastedofthesamedrugstotrywhethertheyweresothirst-procuringandalterativeorno。Butitsobefellthemasithaddonetheirking，andtheypliedtheflagonsowellthatthenoiseranthroughoutallthecamp，howtheprisonerwasreturned；
thatthenextdaytheyweretohaveanassault；thatthekingandhiscaptainsdidalreadypreparethemselvesforit，togetherwithhisguards，andthatwithcarousinglustilyandquaffingashardastheycould。Everyman，therefore，inthearmybegantotipple，plythepot，swillandguzzleitasfastastheycould。Insum，theydrunksomuch，andsolong，thattheyfellasleeplikepigs，alloutoforderthroughoutthewholecamp。
LetusnowreturntothegoodPantagruel，andrelatehowhecarriedhimselfinthisbusiness。Departingfromtheplaceofthetrophies，hetookthemastoftheirshipinhishandlikeapilgrim\'sstaff，andputwithinthetopofittwohundredandsevenandthirtypuncheonsofwhitewineofAnjou，therestwasofRouen，andtieduptohisgirdlethebarkallfullofsalt，aseasilyasthelansquenetscarrytheirlittlepanniers，andsosetonwardonhiswaywithhisfellow-soldiers。Whenhewascomeneartotheenemy\'scamp，Panurgesaiduntohim，Sir，ifyouwoulddowell，letdownthiswhitewineofAnjoufromthescuttleofthemastoftheship，thatwemayalldrinkthereof，likeBretons。
HereuntoPantagruelverywillinglyconsented，andtheydranksoneatthattherewasnotsomuchasonepoordropleftoftwohundredandsevenandthirtypuncheons，exceptoneborachoorleathernbottleofTourswhichPanurgefilledforhimself，forhecalledthathisvademecum，andsomescurvyleesofwineinthebottom，whichservedhiminsteadofvinegar。
Aftertheyhadwhittledandcurriedthecanprettyhandsomely，PanurgegavePantagrueltoeatsomedevilishdrugscompoundedoflithotripton，whichisastone-dissolvingingredient，nephrocatarticon，thatpurgeththereins，themarmaladeofquinces，calledcodiniac，aconfectionofcantharides，whicharegreenfliesbreedingonthetopsofolive-trees，andotherkindsofdiureticorpiss-procuringsimples。Thisdone，PantagruelsaidtoCarpalin，Gointothecity，scramblinglikeacatagainstthewall，asyoucanwelldo，andtellthemthatnowpresentlytheycomeoutandchargetheirenemiesasrudelyastheycan，andhavingsaidso，comedown，takingalightedtorchwithyou，wherewithyoushallsetonfireallthetentsandpavilionsinthecamp；thencryasloudasyouareablewithyourgreatvoice，andthencomeawayfromthence。Yeabut，saidCarpalin，wereitnotgoodtocloyalltheirordnance？No，no，saidPantagruel，onlyblowupalltheirpowder。Carpalin，obeyinghim，departedsuddenlyanddidashewasappointedbyPantagruel，andallthecombatantscameforththatwereinthecity，andwhenhehadsetfireinthetentsandpavilions，hepassedsolightlythroughthem，andsohighlyandprofoundlydidtheysnortandsleep，thattheyneverperceivedhim。Hecametotheplacewheretheirartillerywas，andsettheirmunitiononfire。Butherewasthedanger。
ThefirewassosuddenthatpoorCarpalinhadalmostbeenburnt。Andhaditnotbeenforhiswonderfulagilityhehadbeenfriedlikearoastingpig。Buthedepartedawaysospeedilythataboltorarrowoutofacrossbowcouldnothavehadaswiftermotion。Whenhewasclearoftheirtrenches，heshoutedaloud，andcriedoutsodreadfully，andwithsuchamazementtothehearers，thatitseemedallthedevilsofhellhadbeenletloose。Atwhichnoisetheenemiesawaked，butcanyoutellhow？Evennolessastonishedthanaremonksattheringingofthefirstpealtomatins，whichinLusonnoisiscalledrub-ballock。
InthemeantimePantagruelbegantosowthesaltthathehadinhisbark，andbecausetheysleptwithanopengapingmouth，hefilledalltheirthroatswithit，sothatthosepoorwretcheswerebyitmadetocoughlikefoxes。Ha，Pantagruel，howthouaddestgreaterheattothefirebrandthatisinus！SuddenlyPantagruelhadwilltopiss，bymeansofthedrugswhichPanurgehadgivenhim，andpissedamidstthecampsowellandsocopiouslythathedrownedthemall，andtherewasaparticulardelugetenleaguesroundabout，ofsuchconsiderabledepththatthehistorysaith，ifhisfather\'sgreatmarehadbeenthere，andpissedlikewise，itwouldundoubtedlyhavebeenamoreenormousdelugethanthatofDeucalion；forshedidneverpissbutshemadearivergreaterthaniseithertheRhoneortheDanube。Whichthosethatwerecomeoutofthecityseeing，said，Theyareallcruellyslain；seehowthebloodrunsalong。ButtheyweredeceivedinthinkingPantagruel\'surinehadbeenthebloodoftheirenemies，fortheycouldnotseebutbythelightofthefireofthepavilionsandsomesmalllightofthemoon。
Theenemies，afterthattheywereawaked，seeingononesidethefireinthecamp，andontheothertheinundationoftheurinaldeluge，couldnottellwhattosaynorwhattothink。Somesaidthatitwastheendoftheworldandthefinaljudgment，whichoughttobebyfire。Othersagainthoughtthatthesea-gods，Neptune，Proteus，Triton，andtherestofthem，didpersecutethem，forthatindeedtheyfoundittobelikesea-waterandsalt。
OwhowereablenowcondignlytorelatehowPantagrueldiddemeanhimselfagainstthethreehundredgiants！OmyMuse，myCalliope，myThalia，inspiremeatthistime，restoreuntomemyspirits；forthisisthelogicalbridgeofasses！Hereisthepitfall，hereisthedifficulty，tohaveabilityenoughtoexpressthehorriblebattlethatwasfought。Ah，wouldtoGodthatIhadnowabottleofthebestwinethateverthosedrankwhoshallreadthissoveridicalhistory！
Chapter2。XXIX。
HowPantagrueldiscomfitedthethreehundredgiantsarmedwithfree-stone，andLoupgaroutheircaptain。
Thegiants，seeingalltheircampdrowned，carriedawaytheirkingAnarchusupontheirbacksaswellastheycouldoutofthefort，asAeneasdidtohisfatherAnchises，inthetimeoftheconflagrationofTroy。WhenPanurgeperceivedthem，hesaidtoPantagruel，Sir，yonderarethegiantscomingforthagainstyou；layonthemwithyourmastgallantly，likeanoldfencer；fornowisthetimethatyoumustshowyourselfabravemanandanhonest。Andforourpartwewillnotfailyou。Imyselfwillkilltoyouagoodmanyboldlyenough；forwhy，DavidkilledGoliathveryeasily；andthenthisgreatlecher，Eusthenes，whoisstrongerthanfouroxen，willnotsparehimself。Beofgoodcourage，therefore，andvaliant；chargeamongstthemwithpointandedge，andbyallmannerofmeans。Well，saidPantagruel，ofcourageIhavemorethanforfiftyfrancs，butletusbewise，forHerculesfirstneverundertookagainsttwo。Thatiswellcacked，wellscummered，saidPanurge；doyoucompareyourselfwithHercules？Youhave，byG——，morestretchinyourteeth，andmorescentinyourbum，thaneverHerculeshadinallhisbodyandsoul。Somuchisamanworthasheesteemshimself。Whilsttheyspakethosewords，behold！Loupgarouwascomewithallhisgiants，who，seeingPantagruelinamanneralone，wascarriedawaywithtemerityandpresumption，forhopesthathehadtokillthegoodman。Whereuponhesaidtohiscompanionsthegiants，Youwenchersofthelowcountry，byMahoom！ifanyofyouundertaketofightagainstthesemenhere，Iwillputyoucruellytodeath。Itismywillthatyouletmefightsingle。Inthemeantimeyoushallhavegoodsporttolookuponus。
Thenalltheothergiantsretiredwiththeirkingtotheplacewheretheflagonsstood，andPanurgeandhiscomradeswiththem，whocounterfeitedthosethathavehadthepox，forhewreathedabouthismouth，shrunkuphisfingers，andwithaharshandhoarsevoicesaiduntothem，Iforsake-od，fellow-soldiers，ifIwouldhaveittobebelievedthatwemakeanywaratall。Giveussomewhattoeatwithyouwhilestourmastersfightagainstoneanother。Tothisthekingandgiantsjointlycondescended，andaccordinglymadethemtobanquetwiththem。InthemeantimePanurgetoldthemthefolliesofTurpin，theexamplesofSt。Nicholas，andthetaleofatub。LoupgarouthensetforwardtowardsPantagruel，withamaceallofsteel，andthatofthebestsort，weighingninethousandsevenhundredquintalsandtwoquarterons，attheendwhereofwerethirteenpointeddiamonds，andleastwhereofwasasbigasthegreatestbellofOurLady\'sChurchatParis——theremightwantperhapsthethicknessofanail，oratmost，thatImaynotlie，ofthebackofthosekniveswhichtheycallcutlugsorearcutters，butforalittleofforon，moreorless，itisnomatter——anditwasenchantedinsuchsortthatitcouldneverbreak，but，contrarily，allthatitdidtouchdidbreakimmediately。Thus，then，asheapproachedwithgreatfiercenessandprideofheart，Pantagruel，castinguphiseyestoheaven，recommendedhimselftoGodwithallhissoul，makingsuchavowasfolloweth。
OthouLordGod，whohastalwaysbeenmyprotectorandmysaviour！thouseestthedistresswhereinIamatthistime。Nothingbringsmehitherbutanaturalzeal，whichthouhastpermitteduntomortals，tokeepanddefendthemselves，theirwivesandchildren，countryandfamily，incasethyownpropercausewerenotinquestion，whichisthefaith；forinsuchabusinessthouwilthavenocoadjutors，onlyacatholicconfessionandserviceofthyword，andhastforbiddenusallarminganddefence。ForthouarttheAlmighty，whointhineowncause，andwherethineownbusinessistakentoheart，canstdefenditfarbeyondallthatwecanconceive，thouwhohastthousandthousandsofhundredsofmillionsoflegionsofangels，theleastofwhichisabletokillallmortalmen，andturnabouttheheavensandearthathispleasure，asheretoforeitveryplainlyappearedinthearmyofSennacherib。Ifitmaypleasethee，therefore，atthistimetoassistme，asmywholetrustandconfidenceisintheealone，Ivowuntothee，thatinallcountrieswhatsoeverwhereinIshallhaveanypowerorauthority，whetherinthisofUtopiaorelsewhere，Iwillcausethyholygospeltobepurely，simply，andentirelypreached，sothattheabusesofarabbleofhypocritesandfalseprophets，whobyhumanconstitutionsanddepravedinventionshaveempoisonedalltheworld，shallbequiteexterminatedfromaboutme。
Thisvowwasnosoonermade，buttherewasheardavoicefromheavensaying，Hocfacetvinces；thatistosay，Dothis，andthoushaltovercome。ThenPantagruel，seeingthatLoupgarouwithhismouthwideopenwasdrawingneartohim，wentagainsthimboldly，andcriedoutasloudashewasable，Thoudiest，villain，thoudiest！purposingbyhishorriblecrytomakehimafraid，accordingtothedisciplineoftheLacedaemonians。
Withal，heimmediatelycastathimoutofhisbark，whichheworeathisgirdle，eighteencagsandfourbushelsofsalt，wherewithhefilledbothhismouth，throat，nose，andeyes。AtthisLoupgarouwassohighlyincensedthat，mostfiercelysettinguponhim，hethoughteventhenwithablowofhismacetohavebeatouthisbrains。ButPantagruelwasverynimble，andhadalwaysaquickfootandaquickeye，andthereforewithhisleftfootdidhestepbackonepace，yetnotsonimblybutthattheblow，fallinguponthebark，brokeitinfourthousandfourscoreandsixpieces，andthrewalltherestofthesaltabouttheground。Pantagruel，seeingthat，mostgallantlydisplayedthevigourofhisarms，and，accordingtotheartoftheaxe，gavehimwiththegreatendofhismastahomethrustalittleabovethebreast；then，bringingalongtheblowtotheleftside，withaslashstruckhimbetweentheneckandshoulders。Afterthat，advancinghisrightfoot，hegavehimapushuponthecouillonswiththeupperendofhissaidmast，wherewithbreakingthescuttleonthetopthereof，hespiltthreeorfourpuncheonsofwinethatwerelefttherein。
UponthatLoupgarouthoughtthathehadpiercedhisbladder，andthatthewinethatcameforthhadbeenhisurine。Pantagruel，beingnotcontentwiththis，wouldhavedoubleditbyaside-blow；butLoupgarou，liftinguphismace，advancedonestepuponhim，andwithallhisforcewouldhavedashedituponPantagruel，wherein，tospeaktothetruth，hesosprightfullycarriedhimself，that，ifGodhadnotsuccouredthegoodPantagruel，hehadbeenclovenfromthetopofhisheadtothebottomofhismilt。ButtheblowglancedtotherightsidebythebrisknimblenessofPantagruel，andhismacesankintothegroundabovethreescoreandthirteenfoot，throughahugerock，outofwhichthefiredidissuegreaterthanninethousandandsixtons。Pantagruel，seeinghimbusyaboutpluckingouthismace，whichstuckinthegroundbetweentherocks，ranuponhim，andwouldhavecleancutoffhishead，ifbymischancehismasthadnottouchedalittleagainstthestockofLoupgarou\'smace，whichwasenchanted，aswehavesaidbefore。Bythismeanshismastbrokeoffaboutthreehandfulsabovehishand，whereathestoodamazedlikeabell-founder，andcriedout，Ah，Panurge，whereartthou？Panurge，seeingthat，saidtothekingandthegiants，ByG——，theywillhurtoneanotheriftheybenotparted。Butthegiantswereasmerryasiftheyhadbeenatawedding。
ThenCarpalinwouldhaverisenfromthencetohelphismaster；butoneofthegiantssaiduntohim，ByGolfarin，thenephewofMahoom，ifthoustirhenceIwillputtheeinthebottomofmybreechesinsteadofasuppository，whichcannotchoosebutdomegood。ForinmybellyIamverycostive，andcannotwellcagarwithoutgnashingmyteethandmakingmanyfilthyfaces。ThenPantagruel，thusdestituteofastaff，tookuptheendofhismast，strikingathwartandalongstuponthegiant，buthedidhimnomorehurtthanyouwoulddowithafillipuponasmith\'sanvil。InthemeantimeLoupgarouwasdrawinghismaceoutoftheground，and，havingalreadypluckeditout，wasreadytherewithtohavestruckPantagruel，who，beingveryquickinturning，avoidedallhisblowsintakingonlythedefensivepartinhand，untilonasuddenhesawthatLoupgaroudidthreatenhimwiththesewords，saying，Now，villain，willnotIfailtochoptheeassmallasmincedmeat，andkeeptheehenceforthfromevermakinganymorepoormenathirst！Forthen，withoutanymoreado，Pantagruelstruckhimsuchablowwithhisfootagainstthebellythathemadehimfallbackwards，hisheelsoverhishead，anddraggedhimthusalongatflay-buttockaboveaflight-shot。ThenLoupgaroucriedout，bleedingatthethroat，Mahoom，Mahoom，Mahoom！atwhichnoiseallthegiantsarosetosuccourhim。ButPanurgesaiduntothem，Gentlemen，donotgo，ifwillbelieveme，forourmasterismad，andstrikesathwartandalongst，hecaresnotwhere；hewilldoyouamischief。Butthegiantsmadenoaccountofit，seeingthatPantagruelhadneverastaff。
AndwhenPantagruelsawthosegiantsapproachverynearuntohim，hetookLoupgaroubythetwofeet，andliftuphisbodylikeapikeintheair，wherewith，itbeingharnessedwithanvils，helaidsuchheavyloadamongstthosegiantsarmedwithfree-stone，that，strikingthemdownasamasondothlittleknobsofstones，therewasnotoneofthemthatstoodbeforehimwhomhethrewnotflattotheground。Andbythebreakingofthisstonyarmourtherewasmadesuchahorriblerumbleasputmeinmindofthefallofthebutter-towerofSt。Stephen\'satBourgeswhenitmeltedbeforethesun。Panurge，withCarpalinandEusthenes，didcutinthemeantimethethroatsofthosethatwerestruckdown，insuchsortthatthereescapednotone。Pantagrueltoanyman\'ssightwaslikeamower，whowithhisscythe，whichwasLoupgarou，cutdownthemeadowgrass，towit，thegiants；
butwiththisfencingofPantagruel\'sLoupgaroulosthishead，whichhappenedwhenPantagruelstruckdownonewhosenamewasRiflandouille，orPudding-plunderer，whowasarmedcap-a-piewithGrisonstones，onechipwhereofsplinteringabroadcutoffEpistemon\'sneckcleanandfair。Forotherwisethemostpartofthemwerebutlightlyarmedwithakindofsandybrittlestone，andtherestwithslates。Atlast，whenhesawthattheywerealldead，hethrewthebodyofLoupgarouashardashecouldagainstthecity，wherefallinglikeafroguponhisbellyinthegreatPiazzathereof，hewiththesaidfallkilledasingedhe-cat，awetshe-cat，afartingduck，andabridledgoose。
Chapter2。XXX。
HowEpistemon，whohadhisheadcutoff，wasfinelyhealedbyPanurge，andofthenewswhichhebroughtfromthedevils，andofthedamnedpeopleinhell。
Thisgigantalvictorybeingended，Pantagruelwithdrewhimselftotheplaceoftheflagons，andcalledforPanurgeandtherest，whocameuntohimsafeandsound，exceptEusthenes，whomoneofthegiantshadscratchedalittleinthefacewhilsthewasaboutthecuttingofhisthroat，andEpistemon，whoappearednotatall。WhereatPantagruelwassoaggrievedthathewouldhavekilledhimself。ButPanurgesaiduntohim，Nay，sir，stayawhile，andwewillsearchforhimamongstthedead，andfindoutthetruthofall。
Thusastheywentseekingafterhim，theyfoundhimstarkdead，withhisheadbetweenhisarmsallbloody。ThenEusthenescriedout，Ah，crueldeath！hastthoutakenfrommetheperfectestamongstmen？AtwhichwordsPantagruelroseupwiththegreatestgriefthateveranymandidsee，andsaidtoPanurge，Ha，myfriend！theprophecyofyourtwoglassesandthejavelinstaffwasagreatdealtoodeceitful。ButPanurgeanswered，Mydearbulliesall，weepnotonedropmore，for，hebeingyetallhot，Iwillmakehimassoundaseverhewas。Insayingthis，hetooktheheadandhelditwarmforegainsthiscodpiece，thatthewindmightnotenterintoit。EusthenesandCarpalincarriedthebodytotheplacewheretheyhadbanqueted，notoutofanyhopethateverhewouldrecover，butthatPantagruelmightseeit。
NeverthelessPanurgegavehimverygoodcomfort，saying，IfIdonothealhim，Iwillbecontenttolosemyhead，whichisafool\'swager。Leaveoff，therefore，crying，andhelpme。Thencleansedhehisneckverywellwithpurewhitewine，and，afterthat，tookhishead，andintoitsynapisedsomepowderofdiamerdis，whichhealwayscarriedabouthiminoneofhisbags。AfterwardsheanointeditwithIknownotwhatointment，andsetitonveryjust，veinagainstvein，sinewagainstsinew，andspondyleagainstspondyle，thathemightnotbewry-necked——forsuchpeoplehemortallyhated。Thisdone，hegaveitroundaboutsomefifteenorsixteenstitcheswithaneedlethatitmightnotfalloffagain；then，onallsidesandeverywhere，heputalittleointmentonit，whichhecalledresuscitative。
SuddenlyEpistemonbegantobreathe，thenopenedhiseyes，yawned，sneezed，andafterwardsletagreathouseholdfart。WhereuponPanurgesaid，Now，certainly，heishealed，——andthereforegavehimtodrinkalargefullglassofstrongwhitewine，withasugaredtoast。InthisfashionwasEpistemonfinelyhealed，onlythathewassomewhathoarseforabovethreeweekstogether，andhadadrycoughofwhichhecouldnotberidbutbytheforceofcontinualdrinking。Andnowhebegantospeak，andsaidthathehadseenthedevil，hadspokenwithLuciferfamiliarly，andhadbeenverymerryinhellandintheElysianfields，affirmingveryseriouslybeforethemallthatthedevilswerebooncompanionsandmerryfellows。But，inrespectofthedamned，hesaidhewasverysorrythatPanurgehadsosooncalledhimbackintothisworldagain；for，saidhe，Itookwonderfuldelighttoseethem。Howso？saidPantagruel。Becausetheydonotusethemthere，saidEpistemon，sobadlyasyouthinktheydo。Theirestateandconditionoflivingisbutonlychangedafteraverystrangemanner；
forIsawAlexandertheGreatthereamendingandpatchingoncloutsuponoldbreechesandstockings，wherebyhegotbutaverypoorliving。
Xerxeswasacrierofmustard。
Romulus，asalterandpatcherofpattens。
Numa，anailsmith。
Tarquin，aporter。
Piso，aclownishswain。
Sylla，aferryman。
Cyrus，acowherd。
Themistocles，aglass-maker。
Epaminondas，amakerofmirrorsorlooking-glasses。
BrutusandCassius，surveyorsormeasurersofland。
Demosthenes，avine-dresser。
Cicero，afire-kindler。
Fabius，athreaderofbeads。
Artaxerxes，arope-maker。
Aeneas，amiller。
Achilleswasascaldpatedmakerofhay-bundles。
Agamemnon，alick-box。
Ulysses，ahay-mower。
Nestor，adoor-keeperorforester。
Darius，agold-finderorjakes-farmer。
AncusMartius，aship-trimmer。
Camillus，afoot-post。
Marcellus，ashellerofbeans。
Drusus，atakerofmoneyatthedoorsofplayhouses。
ScipioAfricanus，acrierofleeinawoodenslipper。
Asdrubal，alantern-maker。
Hannibal，akettlemakerandsellerofeggshells。
Priamus，asellerofoldclouts。
LancelotoftheLakewasaflayerofdeadhorses。
AlltheKnightsoftheRoundTablewerepoorday-labourers，employedtorowovertheriversofCocytus，Phlegeton，Styx，Acheron，andLethe，whenmylordsthedevilshadamindtorecreatethemselvesuponthewater，asinthelikeoccasionarehiredtheboatmenatLyons，thegondoliersofVenice，andoarsatLondon。Butwiththisdifference，thatthesepoorknightshaveonlyfortheirfareaboborflirtonthenose，andintheeveningamorselofcoarsemouldybread。
Trajanwasafisheroffrogs。
Antoninus，alackey。
Commodus，ajet-maker。
Pertinax，apeelerofwalnuts。
Lucullus，amakerofrattlesandhawks\'-bells。
Justinian，apedlar。
Hector，asnap-saucescullion。
Pariswasapoorbeggar。
Cambyses，amule-driver。
Nero，abaseblindfiddler，orplayeronthatinstrumentwhichiscalledawindbroach。Fierabraswashisserving-man，whodidhimathousandmischievoustricks，andwouldmakehimeatofthebrownbreadanddrinkoftheturnedwinewhenhimselfdidbotheatanddrinkofthebest。
JuliusCaesarandPompeywereboat-wrightsandtightersofships。
ValentineandOrsondidserveinthestovesofhell，andweresweat-rubbersinhothouses。
GiglanandGovianGauvinwerepoorswineherds。
Geoffreywiththegreattoothwasatinder-makerandsellerofmatches。
GodfreydeBouillon，ahood-maker。
Jasonwasabracelet-maker。
DonPietrodeCastille，acarrierofindulgences。
Morgan，abeer-brewer。
HuonofBordeaux，ahooperofbarrels。
Pyrrhus，akitchen-scullion。
Antiochus，achimney-sweeper。
Octavian，ascraperofparchment。
Nerva，amariner。
PopeJuliuswasacrierofpudding-pies，butheleftoffwearingtherehisgreatbuggerlybeard。
JohnofPariswasagreaserofboots。
ArthurofBritain，anungreaserofcaps。
Perce-Forest，acarrieroffaggots。
PopeBonifacetheEighth，ascummerofpots。
PopeNicholastheThird，amakerofpaper。
PopeAlexander，aratcatcher。
PopeSixtus，ananointerofthosethathavethepox。
What，saidPantagruel，havetheythepoxtheretoo？Surely，saidEpistemon，Ineversawsomany:therearethere，Ithink，aboveahundredmillions；forbelieve，thatthosewhohavenothadthepoxinthisworldmusthaveitintheother。
Cotsbody，saidPanurge，thenIamfree；forIhavebeenasfarastheholeofGibraltar，reacheduntotheoutmostboundsofHercules，andgatheredoftheripest。
OgiertheDanewasafurbisherofarmour。
TheKingTigranes，amenderofthatchedhouses。
GalienRestored，atakerofmoldwarps。
ThefoursonsofAymonwerealltoothdrawers。
PopeCalixtuswasabarberofawoman\'ssinequanon。
PopeUrban，abacon-picker。
Melusinawasakitchendrudge-wench。
Matabrune，alaundress。
Cleopatra，acrierofonions。
Helen，abrokerforchambermaids。
Semiramis，thebeggars\'lice-killer。
Didodidsellmushrooms。
Penthesileasoldcresses。
Lucretiawasanalehouse-keeper。
Hortensia，aspinstress。
Livia，agraterofverdigris。
Afterthismanner，thosethathadbeengreatlordsandladieshere，gotbutapoorscurvywretchedlivingtherebelow。And，onthecontrary，thephilosophersandothers，whointhisworldhadbeenaltogetherindigentandwanting，weregreatlordsthereintheirturn。IsawDiogenestherestrutitoutmostpompously，andingreatmagnificence，witharichpurplegownonhim，andagoldensceptreinhisrighthand。And，whichismore，hewouldnowandthenmakeAlexandertheGreatmad，soenormouslywouldheabusehimwhenhehadnotwellpatchedhisbreeches；forheusedtopayhisskinwithsoundbastinadoes。IsawEpictetusthere，mostgallantlyapparelledaftertheFrenchfashion，sittingunderapleasantarbour，withstoreofhandsomegentlewomen，frolicking，drinking，dancing，andmakinggoodcheer，withabundanceofcrownsofthesun。Abovethelatticewerewrittentheseversesforhisdevice:
Toleapanddance，tosportandplay，Anddrinkgoodwinebothwhiteandbrown，OrnothingelsedoallthedayButtellbagsfullofmanyacrown。
Whenhesawme，heinvitedmetodrinkwithhimverycourteously，andI
beingwillingtobeentreated，wetippledandchopinedtogethermosttheologically。InthemeantimecameCyrustobegonefarthingofhimforthehonourofMercury，therewithtobuyafewonionsforhissupper。No，no，saidEpictetus，Idonotuseinmyalmsgivingtobestowfarthings。
Hold，thouvarlet，there\'sacrownforthee；beanhonestman。Cyruswasexceedinggladtohavemetwithsuchabooty；buttheotherpoorrogues，thekingsthataretherebelow，asAlexander，Darius，andothers，stoleitawayfromhimbynight。IsawPathelin，thetreasurerofRhadamanthus，who，incheapeningthepudding-piesthatPopeJuliuscried，askedhimhowmuchadozen。Threeblanks，saidthePope。Nay，saidPathelin，threeblowswithacudgel。Laythemdownhere，yourascal，andgofetchmore。
ThepoorPopewentawayweeping，who，whenhecametohismaster，thepie-
maker，toldhimthattheyhadtakenawayhispudding-pies。Whereuponhismastergavehimsuchasoundlashwithaneel-skin，thathisownwouldhavebeenworthnothingtomakebag-pipe-bagsof。IsawMasterJohnLeMairetherepersonatethePopeinsuchfashionthathemadeallthepoorkingsandpopesofthisworldkisshisfeet，and，takinggreatstateuponhim，gavethemhisbenediction，saying，Getthepardons，rogues，getthepardons；theyaregoodcheap。Iabsolveyouofbreadandpottage，anddispensewithyoutobenevergoodforanything。Then，callingCailletandTriboulettohim，hespokethesewords，Mylordsthecardinals，despatchtheirbulls，towit，toeachofthemablowwithacudgeluponthereins。
Whichaccordinglywasforthwithperformed。IheardMasterFrancisVillonaskXerxes，Howmuchthemessofmustard？Afarthing，saidXerxes。TowhichthesaidVillonanswered，Thepoxtaketheeforavillain！Asmuchofsquare-earedwheatisnotworthhalfthatprice，andnowthouofferesttoenhancethepriceofvictuals。Withthishepissedinhispot，asthemustard-makersofParisusedtodo。Isawthetrainedbowmanofthebathingtub，knownbythenameoftheFrancarcherdeBaignolet，who，beingoneofthetrusteesoftheInquisition，whenhesawPerce-ForestmakingwateragainstawallinwhichwaspaintedthefireofSt。Anthony，declaredhimheretic，andwouldhavecausedhimtobeburntalivehaditnotbeenforMorgant，who，forhisproficiatandothersmallfees，gavehimninetunsofbeer。
Well，saidPantagruel，reserveallthesefairstoriesforanothertime，onlytellushowtheusurersaretherehandled。Isawthem，saidEpistemon，allverybusilyemployedinseekingofrustypinsandoldnailsinthekennelsofthestreets，asyouseepoorwretchedroguesdointhisworld。Butthequintal，orhundredweight，ofthisoldironwareistherevaluedbutatthepriceofacantleofbread，andyettheyhavebutaverybaddespatchandriddanceinthesaleofit。Thusthepoormisersaresometimesthreewholeweekswithouteatingonemorselorcrumbofbread，andyetworkbothdayandnight，lookingforthefairtocome。
Nevertheless，ofallthislabour，toil，andmisery，theyreckonnothing，socursedlyactivetheyareintheprosecutionofthattheirbasecalling，inhopes，attheendoftheyear，toearnsomescurvypennybyit。
Come，saidPantagruel，letusnowmakeourselvesmerryonebout，anddrink，mylads，Ibeseechyou，foritisverygooddrinkingallthismonth。Thendidtheyuncasetheirflagonsbyheapsanddozens，andwiththeirleaguer-
provisionmadeexcellentgoodcheer。ButthepoorKingAnarchuscouldnotallthiswhilesettlehimselftowardsanyfitofmirth；whereuponPanurgesaid，Ofwhattradeshallwemakemylordthekinghere，thathemaybeskilfulintheartwhenhegoesthithertosojournamongstallthedevilsofhell？Indeed，saidPantagruel，thatwaswelladvisedofthee。Dowithhimwhatthouwilt，Igivehimtothee。Gramercy，saidPanurge，thepresentisnottoberefused，andIloveitfromyou。
Chapter2。XXXI。
HowPantagruelenteredintothecityoftheAmaurots，andhowPanurgemarriedKingAnarchustoanoldlantern-carryinghag，andmadehimacrierofgreensauce。
Afterthiswonderfulvictory，PantagruelsentCarpalinuntothecityoftheAmaurotstodeclareandsignifyuntothemhowtheKingAnarchuswastakenprisonerandalltheenemiesofthecityoverthrown。Whichnewswhentheyheardalltheinhabitantsofthecitycameforthtomeethimingoodorder，andwithagreattriumphantpomp，conductinghimwithaheavenlyjoyintothecity，whereinnumerablebonfiresweresetonthroughallthepartsthereof，andfairroundtables，whichwerefurnishedwithstoreofgoodvictuals，setoutinthemiddleofthestreets。ThiswasarenewingofthegoldenageinthetimeofSaturn，sogoodwasthecheerwhichthentheymade。
ButPantagruel，havingassembledthewholesenateandcommoncouncilmenofthetown，said，Mymasters，wemustnowstriketheironwhilstitishot。
Itisthereforemywillthat，beforewefrolicitanylonger，weadvisehowtoassaultandtakethewholekingdomoftheDipsodes。Towhicheffectletthosethatwillgowithmeprovidethemselvesagainstto-morrowafterdrinking，forthenwillIbegintomarch。NotthatIneedanymorementhanIhavetohelpmetoconquerit，forIcouldmakeitassurethatwayasifIhaditalready；butIseethiscityissofullofinhabitantsthattheyscarcecanturninthestreets。Iwill，therefore，carrythemasacolonyintoDispody，andwillgivethemallthatcountry，whichisfair，wealthy，fruitful，andpleasant，aboveallothercountriesintheworld，asmanyofyoucantellwhohavebeenthereheretofore。Everyoneofyou，therefore，thatwillgoalong，lethimprovidehimselfasIhavesaid。
Thiscounselandresolutionbeingpublishedinthecity，thenextmorningthereassembledinthepiazzabeforethepalacetothenumberofeighteenhundredfifty-sixthousandandeleven，besideswomenandlittlechildren。
ThusbegantheytomarchstraightintoDipsody，insuchgoodorderasdidthepeopleofIsraelwhentheydepartedoutofEgypttopassovertheRedSea。
Butbeforeweproceedanyfurtherinthispurpose，IwilltellyouhowPanurgehandledhisprisonertheKingAnarchus；for，havingrememberedthatwhichEpistemonhadrelated，howthekingsandrichmeninthisworldwereusedintheElysianfields，andhowtheygottheirlivingtherebybaseandignobletrades，he，therefore，onedayapparelledhiskinginaprettylittlecanvasdoublet，alljaggedandpinkedlikethetippetofalighthorseman\'scap，togetherwithapairoflargemariner\'sbreeches，andstockingswithoutshoes，——For，saidhe，theywouldbutspoilhissight，——
andalittlepeach-colouredbonnetwithagreatcapon\'sfeatherinit——I
lie，forIthinkhehadtwo——andaveryhandsomegirdleofasky-colourandgreeninFrenchcalledpersetvert，sayingthatsuchaliverydidbecomehimwell，forthathehadalwaysbeenperverse，andinthisplightbringinghimbeforePantagruel，saiduntohim，Doyouknowthisroister？No，indeed，saidPantagruel。Itis，saidPanurge，mylordthekingofthethreebatches，orthreadbaresovereign。Iintendtomakehimanhonestman。Thesedevilishkingswhichwehaveherearebutassomanycalves；
theyknownothingandaregoodfornothingbuttodoathousandmischiefstotheirpoorsubjects，andtotroublealltheworldwithwarfortheirunjustanddetestablepleasure。Iwillputhimtoatrade，andmakehimacrierofgreensauce。Goto，beginandcry，Doyoulackanygreensauce？
andthepoordevilcried。Thatistoolow，saidPanurge；thentookhimbytheear，saying，SinghigherinGe，sol，re，ut。So，sopoordevil，thouhastagoodthroat；thouwertneversohappyastobenolongerking。AndPantagruelmadehimselfmerrywithallthis；forIdareboldlysaythathewasthebestlittlegafferthatwastobeseenbetweenthisandtheendofastaff。ThuswasAnarchusmadeagoodcrierofgreensauce。TwodaysthereafterPanurgemarriedhimwithanoldlantern-carryinghag，andhehimselfmadetheweddingwithfinesheep\'sheads，bravehasletswithmustard，gallantsalligotswithgarlic，ofwhichhesentfivehorseloadsuntoPantagruel，whichheateupall，hefoundthemsoappetizing。Andfortheirdrinktheyhadakindofsmallwell-wateredwine，andsomesorbapple-
cider。And，tomakethemdance，hehiredablindmanthatmademusictothemwithawind-broach。
AfterdinnerheledthemtothepalaceandshowedthemtoPantagruel，andsaid，pointingtothemarriedwoman，Youneednotfearthatshewillcrack。
Why？saidPantagruel。Because，saidPanurge，sheiswellslitandbrokeupalready。Whatdoyoumeanbythat？saidPantagruel。Donotyousee，saidPanurge，thatthechestnutswhichareroastedinthefire，iftheybewholetheycrackasiftheyweremad，and，tokeepthemfromcracking，theymakeanincisioninthemandslitthem？Sothisnewbrideisinherlowerpartswellslitbefore，andthereforewillnotcrackbehind。
Pantagruelgavethemalittlelodgenearthelowerstreetandamortarofstonewhereintobrayandpoundtheirsauce，andinthismannerdidtheydotheirlittlebusiness，hebeingasprettyacrierofgreensauceaseverwasseeninthecountryofUtopia。ButIhavebeentoldsincethathiswifedothbeathimlikeplaister，andthepoorsotdarenotdefendhimself，heissosimple。