Chapter3。XXIV。
HowPanurgeconsultethwithEpistemon。
HavingleftthetownofVillomere，astheywereupontheirreturntowardsPantagruel，Panurge，inaddressinghisdiscoursetoEpistemon，spokethus:
Mymostancientfriendandgossip，thouseesttheperplexityofmythoughts，andknowestmanyremediesfortheremovalthereof；artthounotabletohelpandsuccourme？Epistemon，thereupontakingthespeechinhand，representeduntoPanurgehowtheopenvoiceandcommonfameofthewholecountrydidrunuponnootherdiscoursebutthederisionandmockeryofhisnewdisguise；whereforehiscounseluntohimwasthathewouldinthefirstplacebepleasedtomakeuseofalittlehelleboreforthepurgingofhisbrainofthatpeccanthumourwhich，throughthatextravagantandfantasticmummeryofhis，hadfurnishedthepeoplewithatoojustoccasionoffloutingandgibing，jeeringandscoffinghim，andthatnexthewouldresumehisordinaryfashionofaccoutrement，andgoapparelledashewaswonttodo。Iam，quothPanurge，mydeargossipEpistemon，ofamindandresolutiontomarry，butamafraidofbeingacuckoldandtobeunfortunateinmywedlock。ForthiscausehaveImadeavowtoyoungSt。
Francis——whoatPlessis-les-Toursismuchreverencedofallwomen，earnestlycrieduntobythem，andwithgreatdevotion，forhewasthefirstfounderoftheconfraternityofgoodmen，whomtheynaturallycovet，affect，andlongfor——towearspectaclesinmycap，andtocarrynocodpieceinmybreeches，untilthepresentinquietudeandperturbationofmyspiritsbefullysettled。
Truly，quothEpistemon，thatisaprettyjollyvowofthirteentoadozen。
Itisashametoyou，andIwondermuchatit，thatyoudonotreturnuntoyourself，andrecallyoursensesfromthistheirwildswervingandstrayingabroadtothatrestandstillnesswhichbecomesavirtuousman。Thiswhimsicalconceitofyoursbringsmetotheremembranceofasolemnpromisemadebytheshag-hairedArgives，who，havingintheircontroversyagainsttheLacedaemoniansfortheterritoryofThyrea，lostthebattlewhichtheyhopedshouldhavedecideditfortheiradvantage，vowedtocarryneveranyhairontheirheadstillpreallablytheyhadrecoveredthelossofboththeirhonourandlands。AslikewisetothememoryofthevowofapleasantSpaniardcalledMichaelDoris，whovowedtocarryinhishatapieceoftheshinofhislegtillheshouldberevengedofhimwhohadstruckitoff。
YetdonotIknowwhichofthesetwodeservethmosttowearagreenandyellowhoodwithahare\'searstiedtoit，eithertheaforesaidvaingloriouschampion，orthatEnguerrant，whohavingforgottheartandmannerofwritinghistoriessetdownbytheSamosatianphilosopher，makethamosttediouslylongnarrativeandrelationthereof。For，atthefirstreadingofsuchaprofusediscourse，onewouldthinkithadbeenbroachedfortheintroducingofastoryofgreatimportanceandmomentconcerningthewagingofsomeformidablewar，orthenotablechangeandmutationofpotentstatesandkingdoms；but，inconclusion，theworldlaughethatthecapriciouschampion，attheEnglishmanwhohadaffrontedhim，asalsoattheirscribblerEnguerrant，moredrivellingatthemouththanamustardpot。ThejestandscornthereofisnotunliketothatofthemountainofHorace，whichbythepoetwasmadetocryoutandlamentmostenormouslyasawomaninthepangsandlabourofchild-birth，atwhichdeplorableandexorbitantcriesandlamentationsthewholeneighbourhoodbeingassembledinexpectationtoseesomemarvellousmonstrousproduction，couldatlastperceivenootherbutthepaltry，ridiculousmouse。
Yourmousing，quothPanurge，willnotmakemeleavemymusingwhyfolksshouldbesofrumpishlydisposed，seeingIamcertainlypersuadedthatsomefloutwhomerittobefloutedat；yet，asmyvowimports，sowillIdo。Itisnowalongtimesince，byJupiterPhilosAmistakeofthetranslator\'s——M。，wedidswearfaithandamitytooneanother。Givemeyouradvice，billy，andtellmeyouropinionfreely，ShouldImarryorno？
Truly，quothEpistemon，thecaseishazardous，andthedangersoeminentlyapparentthatIfindmyselftooweakandinsufficienttogiveyouapunctualandperemptoryresolutiontherein；andifeveritwastruethatjudgmentisdifficultinmattersofthemedicinalart，whatwassaidbyHippocratesofLango，itiscertainlysointhiscase。Trueitisthatinmybraintherearesomerollingfancies，bymeanswhereofsomewhatmaybepitcheduponofaseemingefficacytothedisentanglingyourmindofthosedubiousapprehensionswherewithitisperplexed；buttheydonotthoroughlysatisfyme。SomeofthePlatonicsectaffirmthatwhosoeverisabletoseehispropergeniusmayknowhisowndestiny。Iunderstandnottheirdoctrine，nordoIthinkthatyouadheretothem；thereisapalpableabuse。IhaveseentheexperienceofitinaverycuriousgentlemanofthecountryofEstangourre。Thisisoneofthepoints。Thereisyetanothernotmuchbetter。IftherewereanyauthoritynowintheoraclesofJupiterAmmon；ofApolloinLebadia，Delphos，Delos，Cyrra，Patara，Tegyres，Preneste，Lycia，Colophon，orintheCastalianFountain；nearAntiochiainSyria，betweentheBranchidians；ofBacchusinDodona；ofMercuryinPhares，nearPatras；ofApisinEgypt；ofSerapisinCanope；ofFaunusinMenalia，andAlbuneanearTivoli；ofTiresiasinOrchomenus；ofMopsusinCilicia；ofOrpheusinLesbos，andofTrophoniusinLeucadia；Iwouldinthatcaseadviseyou，andpossiblynot，togothitherfortheirjudgmentconcerningthedesignandenterpriseyouhaveinhand。ButyouknowthattheyareallofthembecomeasdumbassomanyfishessincetheadventofthatSaviourKingwhosecomingtothisworldhathmadealloraclesandpropheciestocease；astheapproachofthesun\'sradiantbeamsexpellethgoblins，bugbears，hobthrushes，broams，screech-owl-mates，night-walkingspirits，andtenebrions。Thesenowaregone；butalthoughtheywereasyetincontinuanceandinthesamepower，rule，andrequestthatformerlytheywere，yetwouldnotIcounselyoutobetoocredulousinputtinganytrustintheirresponses。Toomanyfolkshavebeendeceivedthereby。ItstandsfurthermoreuponrecordhowAgrippinadidchargethefairLolliawiththecrimeofhavinginterrogatedtheoracleofApolloClarius，tounderstandifsheshouldbeatanytimemarriedtotheEmperorClaudius；forwhichcauseshewasfirstbanished，andthereafterputtoashamefulandignominiousdeath。
But，saithPanurge，letusdobetter。TheOgygianIslandsarenotfardistantfromthehavenofSammalo。Letus，afterthatweshallhavespokentoourking，makeavoyagethither。Inoneofthesefourisles，towit，thatwhichhathitsprimestaspecttowardsthesunsetting，itisreported，andIhavereadingoodantiqueandauthenticauthors，thatthereresidemanysoothsayers，fortune-tellers，vaticinators，prophets，anddivinersofthingstocome；thatSaturninhabiteththatplace，boundwithfairchainsofgoldandwithintheconcavityofagoldenrock，beingnourishedwithdivineambrosiaandnectar，whicharedailyingreatstoreandabundancetransmittedtohimfromtheheavens，byIdonotwellknowwhatkindoffowls，——itmaybethattheyarethesameravenswhichinthedesertsaresaidtohavefedSt。Paul，thefirsthermit，——heveryclearlyforetellethuntoeveryonewhoisdesiroustobecertifiedoftheconditionofhislotwhathisdestinywillbe，andwhatfuturechancetheFateshaveordainedforhim；fortheParcae，orWeirdSisters，donottwist，spin，ordrawoutathread，noryetdothJupiterperpend，project，ordeliberateanythingwhichthegoodoldcelestialfatherknowethnottothefull，evenwhilstheisasleep。Thiswillbeaverysummaryabbreviationofourlabour，ifwebuthearkenuntohimalittleupontheseriousdebateandcanvassingofthismyperplexity。Thatis，answeredEpistemon，agullerytooevident，aplainabuseandfibtoofabulous。Iwillnotgo，notI；Iwillnotgo。
Chapter3。XXV。
HowPanurgeconsultethwithHerrTrippa。
Nevertheless，quothEpistemon，continuinghisdiscourse，Iwilltellyouwhatyoumaydo，ifyoubelieveme，beforewereturntoourking。Hardbyhere，intheBrown-wheatBouchartIsland，dwellethHerrTrippa。Youknowhowbytheartsofastrology，geomancy，chiromancy，metopomancy，andothersofalikestuffandnature，heforetellethallthingstocome；letustalkalittle，andconferwithhimaboutyourbusiness。Ofthat，answeredPanurge，Iknownothing；butofthismuchconcerninghimIamassured，thatoneday，andthatnotlongsince，whilsthewaspratingtothegreatkingofcelestial，sublime，andtranscendentthings，thelacqueysandfootboysofthecourt，upontheupperstepsofstairsbetweentwodoors，jumbled，oneafteranother，asoftenastheylisted，hiswife，whoispassablefair，andaprettysnughussy。Thushewhoseemedveryclearlytoseeallheavenlyandterrestrialthingswithoutspectacles，whodiscoursedboldlyofadventurespast，withgreatconfidenceopeneduppresentcasesandaccidents，andstoutlyprofessedthepresagingofallfutureeventsandcontingencies，wasnotable，withalltheskillandcunningthathehad，toperceivethebumbastingofhiswife，whomhereputedtobeverychaste，andhathnottillthishourgotnoticeofanythingtothecontrary。Yetletusgotohim，seeingyouwillhaveitso；forsurelywecanneverlearntoomuch。TheyontheverynextensuingdaycametoHerrTrippa\'slodging。
Panurge，bywayofdonative，presentedhimwithalonggownlinedallthroughwithwolf-skins，withashortswordmountedwithagildedhiltandcoveredwithavelvetscabbard，andwithfiftygoodsingleangels；theninafamiliarandfriendlywaydidheaskofhimhisopiniontouchingtheaffair。AttheveryfirstHerrTrippa，lookingonhimverywistlyintheface，saiduntohim:Thouhastthemetoposcopyandphysiognomyofacuckold，——Isay，ofanotoriousandinfamouscuckold。Withthis，castinganeyeuponPanurge\'srighthandinallthepartsthereof，hesaid，ThisruggeddraughtwhichIseehere，justunderthemountofJove，wasneveryetbutinthehandofacuckold。Afterwards，hewithawhiteleadpenswiftlyandhastilydrewacertainnumberofdiversekindsofpoints，whichbyrulesofgeomancyhecoupledandjoinedtogether；thensaid:Truthitselfisnottruerthanthatitiscertainthouwiltbeacuckoldalittleafterthymarriage。Thatbeingdone，heaskedofPanurgethehoroscopeofhisnativity，whichwasnosoonerbyPanurgetendereduntohim，thanthat，erectingafigure，heverypromptlyandspeedilyformedandfashionedacompletefabricofthehousesofheaveninalltheirparts，whereofwhenhehadconsideredthesituationandtheaspectsintheirtriplicities，hefetchedadeepsigh，andsaid:Ihaveclearlyenoughalreadydiscovereduntoyouthefateofyourcuckoldry，whichisunavoidable，youcannotescapeit。AndherehaveIgotofnewafurtherassurancethereof，sothatImaynowhardilypronounceandaffirm，withoutanyscrupleorhesitationatall，thatthouwiltbeacuckold；thatfurthermore，thouwiltbebeatenbythineownwife，andthatshewillpurloin，filchandstealofthygoodsfromthee；forIfindtheseventhhouse，inallitsaspects，ofamalignantinfluence，andeveryoneoftheplanetsthreateningtheewithdisgrace，accordingastheystandseatedtowardsoneanother，inrelationtothehornedsignsofAries，Taurus，andCapricorn。InthefourthhouseIfindJupiterinadecadence，asalsoinatetragonalaspecttoSaturn，associatedwithMercury。Thouwiltbesoundlypeppered，mygood，honestfellow，Iwarrantthee。Iwillbe？answeredPanurge。Aplaguerotthee，thouoldfoolanddotingsot，howgracelessandunpleasantthouart！Whenallcuckoldsshallbeatageneralrendezvous，thoushouldstbetheirstandard-bearer。Butwhencecomesthisciron-wormbetwixtthesetwofingers？ThisPanurgesaid，puttingtheforefingerofhislefthandbetwixttheforeandmidfingeroftheright，whichhethrustouttowardsHerrTrippa，holdingthemopenafterthemanneroftwohorns，andshuttingintohisfisthisthumbwiththeotherfingers。Then，inturningtoEpistemon，hesaid:LoherethetrueOlusofMartial，whoaddictedanddevotedhimselfwhollytotheobservingthemiseries，crosses，andcalamitiesofothers，whilsthisownwife，intheinterim，didkeepanopenbawdy-house。ThisvarletispoorerthaneverwasIrus，andyetheisproud，vaunting，arrogant，self-conceited，overweening，andmoreinsupportablethanseventeendevils；inoneword，Greek，whichtermofoldwasappliedtothelikebeggarlystruttingcoxcombs。Come，letusleavethismadpashbedlam，thishairbrainedfop，andgivehimleavetoraveanddosehisbellyfulwithhisprivateandintimatelyacquainteddevils，who，iftheywerenottheveryworstofallinfernalfiends，wouldneverhavedeignedtoservesuchaknavishbarkingcurasthisis。Hehathnotlearntthefirstpreceptofphilosophy，whichis，Knowthyself；forwhilsthebraggethandboasteththathecandiscerntheleastmoteintheeyeofanother，heisnotabletoseethehugeblockthatputsoutthesightofbothhiseyes。ThisissuchanotherPolypragmonasisbyPlutarchdescribed。HeisofthenatureoftheLamianwitches，whoinforeignplaces，inthehousesofstrangers，inpublic，andamongstthecommonpeople，hadasharperandmorepiercinginspectionintotheiraffairsthananylynx，butathomeintheirownproperdwelling-mansionswereblinderthanmoldwarps，andsawnothingatall。Fortheircustomwas，attheirreturnfromabroad，whentheywerebythemselvesinprivate，totaketheireyesoutoftheirhead，fromwhencetheywereaseasilyremovableasapairofspectaclesfromtheirnose，andtolaythemupintoawoodenslipperwhichforthatpurposedidhangbehindthedooroftheirlodging。
Panurgehadnosoonerdonespeaking，whenHerrTrippatookintohishandatamariskbranch。Inthis，quothEpistemon，hedothverywell，right，andlikeanartist，forNicandercallethitthedivinatorytree。Haveyouamind，quothHerrTrippa，tohavethetruthofthematteryetmorefullyandamplydiscloseduntoyoubypyromancy，byaeromancy，whereofAristophanesinhisCloudsmakethgreatestimation，byhydromancy，bylecanomancy，ofoldinprimerequestamongsttheAssyrians，andthoroughlytriedbyHermolausBarbarus。Comehither，andIwillshowtheeinthisplatterfuloffairfountain-waterthyfuturewifelecheringandsercroupierizingitwithtwoswaggeringruffians，oneafteranother。Yea，buthaveaspecialcare，quothPanurge，whenthoucomesttoputthynosewithinminearse，thatthouforgetnottopulloffthyspectacles。HerrTrippa，goingoninhisdiscourse，said，Bycatoptromancy，likewiseheldinsuchaccountbytheEmperorDidiusJulianus，thatbymeansthereofheeverandanonforesawallthatwhichatanytimedidhappenorbefalluntohim。Thoushaltnotneedtoputonthyspectacles，forinamirrorthouwiltseeherasclearlyandmanifestlynebrundiatedandbillibodringit，asifIshouldshowitinthefountainofthetempleofMinervanearPatras。Bycoscinomancy，mostreligiouslyobservedofoldamidsttheceremoniesoftheancientRomans。
Letushaveasieveandshears，andthoushaltseedevils。Byalphitomancy，criedupbyTheocritusinhisPharmaceutria。Byalentomancy，mixingtheflourofwheatwithoatmeal。Byastragalomancy，whereofIhavetheplotsandmodelsallathandreadyforthepurpose。Bytyromancy，whereofwemakesomeproofinagreatBrehemontcheesewhichIherekeepbyme。Bygiromancy，ifthoushouldstturnroundcircles，thoumightestassurethyselffrommethattheywouldfallalwaysonthewrongside。Bysternomancy，whichmakethnothingforthyadvantage，forthouhastanill-
proportionedstomach。Bylibanomancy，forthewhichweshallneedbutalittlefrankincense。Bygastromancy，whichkindofventralfatiloquencywasforalongtimetogetherusedinFerrarabyLadyGiacomaRodogina，theEngastrimythianprophetess。Bycephalomancy，oftenpractisedamongsttheHighGermansintheirboilingofanass\'sheaduponburningcoals。Byceromancy，where，bythemeansofwaxdissolvedintowater，thoushaltseethefigure，portrait，andlivelyrepresentationofthyfuturewife，andofherfredinfredaliatorybelly-thumpingblades。Bycapnomancy。Othegallantestandmostexcellentofallsecrets！Byaxionomancy；wewantonlyahatchetandajet-stonetobelaidtogetheruponaquickfireofhotembers。OhowbravelyHomerwasversedinthepracticehereoftowardsPenelope\'ssuitors！Byonymancy；forthatwehaveoilandwax。Bytephromancy。Thouwiltseetheashesthusaloftdispersedexhibitingthywifeinafineposture。Bybotanomancy；forthenonceIhavesomefewleavesinreserve。Bysicomancy；Odivineartinfig-treeleaves！Byicthiomancy，inancienttimessocelebrated，andputinusebyTiresiasandPolydamas，withthelikecertaintyofeventaswastriedofoldattheDina-ditchwithinthatgroveconsecratedtoApollowhichisintheterritoryoftheLycians。Bychoiromancy；letushaveagreatmanyhogs，andthoushalthavethebladderofoneofthem。Bycheromancy，asthebeanisfoundinthecakeattheEpiphanyvigil。Byanthropomancy，practisedbytheRomanEmperorHeliogabalus。Itissomewhatirksome，butthouwiltendureitwellenough，seeingthouartdestinatedtobeacuckold。Byasibyllinestichomancy。Byonomatomancy。Howdotheycallthee？Chaw-
turd，quothPanurge。Oryetbyalectryomancy。IfIshouldherewithacompassdrawaround，andinlookinguponthee，andconsideringthylot，dividethecircumferencethereofintofour-and-twentyequalparts，thenformaseveralletterofthealphabetuponeveryoneofthem；and，lastly，positabarleycornortwouponeachofthesesodisposedletters，Idurstpromiseuponmyfaithandhonestythat，ifayoungvirgincockbepermittedtorangealongstandathwartthem，heshouldonlyeatthegrainswhicharesetandplacedupontheseletters，A。C。U。C。K。O。L。D。T。H。O。U。S。H。A。L。T。
B。E。Andthatasfatidicallyas，undertheEmperorValens，mostperplexedlydesiroustoknowthenameofhimwhoshouldbehissuccessortotheempire，thecockvacticinatingandalectryomanticateupthepicklesthatwerepositedonthelettersT。H。E。O。D。Or，forthemorecertainty，willyouhaveatrialofyourfortunebytheartofaruspiciny，byaugury，orbyextispiciny？Byturdispiciny，quothPanurge。Oryetbythemysteryofnecromancy？Iwill，ifyouplease，suddenlysetupagainandrevivesomeonelatelydeceased，asApolloniusofTyanedidtoAchilles，andthePythonessinthepresenceofSaul；whichbody，soraisedupandrequickened，willtellusthesumofallyoushallrequireofhim:nomorenorlessthan，attheinvocationofErictho，acertaindefunctpersonforetoldtoPompeythewholeprogressandissueofthefatalbattlefoughtinthePharsalianfields。Or，ifyoubeafraidofthedead，ascommonlyallcuckoldsare，Iwillmakeuseofthefacultyofsciomancy。
Go，gettheegone，quothPanurge，thoufranticass，tothedevil，andbebuggered，filthyBardachiothatthouart，bysomeAlbanian，forasteeple-
crownedhat。Whythedevildidstnotthoucounselmeaswelltoholdanemeraldorthestoneofahyaenaundermytongue，ortofurnishandprovidemyselfwithtonguesofwhoops，andheartsofgreenfrogs，ortoeatoftheliverandmiltofsomedragon，totheendthatbythosemeansImight，atthechantingandchirpingofswansandotherfowls，understandthesubstanceofmyfuturelotanddestiny，asdidofoldtheArabiansinthecountryofMesopotamia？Fifteenbraceofdevilsseizeuponthebodyandsoulofthishornedrenegado，miscreantcuckold，theenchanter，witch，andsorcererofAntichristtoallthedevilsofhell！Letusreturntowardsourking。Iamsurehewillnotbewellpleasedwithusifheoncecometogetnoticethatwehavebeeninthekennelofthismuffleddevil。Irepentmybeingcomehither。Iwouldwillinglydispensewithahundrednoblesandfourteenyeomans，onconditionthathewhonotlongsincedidblowinthebottomofmybreechesshouldinstantlywithhissquirtingspittleinluminatehismoustaches。OLordGodnow！howthevillainhathbesmokedmewithvexationandanger，withcharmsandwitchcraft，andwithaterriblecoilandstirofinfernalandTartariandevils！Thedeviltakehim！SayAmen，andletusgodrink。Ishallnothaveanyappetiteformyvictuals，howgoodcheersoeverImake，thesetwodaystocome，——hardlythesefour。
Chapter3。XXVI。
HowPanurgeconsultethwithFriarJohnoftheFunnels。
PanurgewasindeedverymuchtroubledinmindanddisquietedatthewordsofHerrTrippa，andtherefore，ashepassedbythelittlevillageofHuymes，afterhehadmadehisaddresstoFriarJohn，inpeckingat，rubbing，andscratchinghisownleftear，hesaiduntohim，Keepmealittlejovialandmerry，mydearandsweetbully，forIfindmybrainsaltogethermetagrabolizedandconfounded，andmyspiritsinamostdunsicalpuzzleatthebittertalkofthisdevilish，hellish，damnedfool。Hearken，mydaintycod。
MellowC。VarnishedC。ResoluteC。
Lead-colouredC。RenownedC。Cabbage-likeC。
KnurledC。MattedC。CourteousC。
SubornedC。GenitiveC。FertileC。
DesiredC。GigantalC。WhizzingC。
StuffedC。OvalC。NeatC。
SpeckledC。ClaustralC。CommonC。
FinelymetalledC。VirileC。BriskC。
Arabian-likeC。StayedC。QuickC。
Trussed-upGrey-MassiveC。BearlikeC。
hound-likeC。ManualC。PartitionalC。
MountedC。AbsoluteC。PatronymicC。
SleekedC。Well-setC。CockneyC。
DiaperedC。GemelC。AuromercuriatedC。
SpottedC。TurkishC。RobustC。
MasterC。BurningC。AppetizingC。
SeededC。ThwackingC。SuccourableC。
LustyC。UrgentC。RedoubtableC。
JuppedC。HandsomeC。AffableC。
MilkedC。PromptC。MemorableC。
CalfetedC。FortunateC。PalpableC。
RaisedC。BoxwoodC。BarbableC。
OddC。LattenC。TragicalC。
SteeledC。UnbridledC。TranspontineC。
StaleC。HookedC。DigestiveC。
Orange-tawnyC。ResearchedC。ActiveC。
EmbroideredC。EncompassedC。VitalC。
GlazedC。StroutingoutC。MagistralC。
InterlardedC。JollyC。MonachalC。
Burgher-likeC。LivelyC。SubtleC。
EmpowderedC。GerundiveC。HammeringC。
EbonizedC。FrankedC。ClashingC。
BrasiliatedC。PolishedC。TinglingC。
OrganizedC。PowderedBeefC。UsualC。
PassableC。PositiveC。ExquisiteC。
TrunkifiedC。SparedC。TrimC。
FuriousC。BoldC。SucculentC。
PackedC。LasciviousC。FactiousC。
HoodedC。GluttonousC。ClammyC。
FatC。BoultingC。New-vampedC。
High-prizedC。SnortingC。ImprovedC。
RequisiteC。PilferingC。MallingC。
LaycodC。ShakingC。SoundingC。
Hand-fillingC。BobbingC。BattledC。
InsuperableC。ChivetedC。BurlyC。
AgreeableC。FumblingC。SeditiousC。
FormidableC。TopsyturvyingC。WardianC。
ProfitableC。RagingC。ProtectiveC。
NotableC。PiledupC。TwinklingC。
MusculousC。FilledupC。AbleC。
SubsidiaryC。ManlyC。AlgoristicalC。
SatiricC。IdleC。OdoriferousC。
RepercussiveC。MembrousC。PrankedC。
ConvulsiveC。StrongC。JocundC。
RestorativeC。TwinC。RoutingC。
MasculinatingC。BelabouringC。PurloiningC。
IncarnativeC。GentleC。FrolicC。
SigillativeC。StirringC。WaggingC。
SallyingC。ConfidentC。RufflingC。
PlumpC。NimbleC。JumblingC。
ThunderingC。RoundheadedC。RumblingC。
LecheringC。FiggingC。ThumpingC。
FulminatingC。HelpfulC。BumpingC。
SparklingC。SpruceC。CringelingC。
RammingC。PluckingC。BerumplingC。
LustyC。RamageC。JoggingC。
HouseholdC。FineC。NobbingC。
PrettyC。FierceC。TouzingC。
AstrolabianC。BrawnyC。TumblingC。
AlgebraicalC。ComptC。FamblingC。
VenustC。RepairedC。OverturningC。
AromatizingC。SoftC。ShootingC。
TricksyC。WildC。CuletingC。
PaillardC。RenewedC。JaggedC。
GaillardC。QuaintC。PinkedC。
BroachingC。StartingC。ArsiversingC。
AddleC。FleshyC。PolishedC。
SyndicatedC。AuxiliaryC。SlashedC。
HamedC。StuffedC。ClashingC。
LeisurelyC。Well-fedC。WaggingC。
CutC。FlourishedC。ScriplikeC。
SmoothC。FallowC。EncremasteredC。
DependingC。SuddenC。BouncingC。
IndependentC。GraspfulC。LevellingC。
LingeringC。SwillpowC。Fly-flapC。
RappingC。CrushingC。Perinae-tegminalC。
ReverendC。CreakingC。Squat-couchingC。
NoddingC。DiltingC。Short-hungC。
DisseminatingC。ReadyC。ThehypogastrianC。
AffectingC。VigorousC。Witness-bearingC。
AffectedC。SkulkingC。TestigerousC。
GrappledC。SuperlativeC。InstrumentalC。
Myharcabuzingcodandbuttock-stirringballock，FriarJohn，myfriend，I
docarryasingularrespectuntothee，andhonourtheewithallmyheart。
ThycounselIholdforachoiceanddelicatemorsel；thereforehaveI
reserveditforthelastbit。Givemethyadvicefreely，Ibeseechthee，ShouldImarryorno？FriarJohnverymerrily，andwithasprightlycheerfulness，madethisanswertohim:Marry，inthedevil\'sname。Whynot？Whatthedevilelseshouldstthoudobutmarry？Taketheeawife，andfurbishherharnesstosometune。Swingeherskin-coatasifthouwertbeatingonstock-fish；andlettherepercussionofthyclapperfromherresoundingmetalmakeanoiseasifadoublepealofchiming-bellswerehungatthecremastersofthyballocks。AsIsaymarry，sodoIunderstandthatthoushouldstfalltoworkasspeedilyasmaybe；yea，mymeaningisthatthououghtesttobesoquickandforwardtherein，asonthissameveryday，beforesunset，tocauseproclaimthybannsofmatrimony，andmakeprovisionofbedsteads。Bythebloodofahog\'s-pudding，tillwhenwouldstthoudelaytheactingofahusband\'spart？Dostthounotknow，andisitnotdailytolduntothee，thattheendoftheworldapproacheth？Weareneareritbythreepolesandhalfafathomthanweweretwodaysago。TheAntichristisalreadyborn；atleastitissoreportedbymany。Thetruthis，thathithertotheeffectsofhiswrathhavenotreachedfurtherthantothescratchingofhisnurseandgovernesses。Hisnailsarenotsharpenoughasyet，norhavehisclawsattainedtotheirfullgrowth，——heislittle。
Crescat；Nosquivivimus，multiplicemur。
Itiswrittenso，anditisholystuff，Iwarrantyou；thetruthwhereofisliketolastaslongasasackofcornmaybehadforapenny，andapuncheonofpurewineforthreepence。Wouldstthoubecontenttobefoundwiththygenitoriesfullinthedayofjudgment？Dumveneritjudicari？
Thouhast，quothPanurge，aright，clear，andneatspirit，FriarJohn，mymetropolitancod；thouspeakstinverydeedpertinentlyandtopurpose。
ThatbelikewasthereasonwhichmovedLeanderofAbydosinAsia，whilsthewasswimmingthroughtheHellesponticseatomakeavisittohissweetheartHeroofSestusinEurope，toprayuntoNeptuneandalltheothermarinegods，thus:
Now，whilstIgo，havepityonme，Andatmybackreturningdrownme。
Hewasloth，itseems，todiewithhiscodsovergorged。Hewastobecommended；thereforedoIpromise，thatfromhenceforthnomalefactorshallbyjusticebeexecutedwithinmyjurisdictionofSalmigondinois，whoshallnot，foradayortwoatleastbefore，bepermittedtoculbutandforaminateonocrotalwise，thatthereremainnotinallhisvesselstowriteaGreekY。Suchapreciousthingshouldnotbefoolishlycastaway。Hewillperhapstherewithbegetamale，andsodepartthemorecontentedlyoutofthislife，thatheshallhaveleftbehindhimoneforone。
Chapter3。XXVII。
HowFriarJohnmerrilyandsportinglycounsellethPanurge。
BySaintRigomet，quothFriarJohn，Idoadvisetheetonothing，mydearfriendPanurge，whichIwouldnotdomyselfwereIinthyplace。Onlyhaveaspecialcare，andtakegoodheedthousolderwelltogetherthejointsofthedouble-backedandtwo-belliedbeast，andfortifythynervessostrongly，thattherebenodiscontinuanceintheknocksofthevenereanthwacking，elsethouartlost，poorsoul。Foriftherepasslongintervalsbetwixtthepriapizingfeats，andthatthoumakeanintermissionoftoolargeatime，thatwillbefalltheewhichbetidesthenursesiftheydesistfromgivingsucktochildren——theylosetheirmilk；andifcontinuallythoudonotholdthyaspersorytoolinexercise，andkeepthymentulgoing，thylacticiniannectarwillbegone，anditwillservetheeonlyasapipetopissoutat，andthycodsforawalletoflesservaluethanabeggar\'sscrip。ThisisacertaintruthItellthee，friend，anddoubtnotofit；
formyselfhaveseenthesadexperimentthereofinmany，whocannotnowdowhattheywould，becausebeforetheydidnotwhattheymighthavedone:Exdesuetudineamittunturprivilegia。Non-usageoftentimesdestroysone\'sright，saythelearneddoctorsofthelaw；therefore，mybilly，entertainaswellaspossiblythoucanstthathypogastrianlowersortoftroglodyticpeople，thattheirchiefpleasuremaybeplacedinthecaseofsempiternallabouring。Giveorderthathenceforththeylivenot，likeidlegentlemen，idlyupontheirrentsandrevenues，butthattheymayworkfortheirlivelihoodbybreakinggroundwithinthePaphiantrenches。Naytruly，answeredPanurge，FriarJohn，myleftballock，Iwillbelievethee，forthoudealestplainwithme，andfallestdownrightsquareuponthebusiness，withoutgoingaboutthebushwithfrivolouscircumstancesandunnecessaryreservations。Thouwiththesplendourofapiercingwithastdissipatedalltheloweringcloudsofanxiousapprehensionsandsuspicionswhichdidintimidateandterrifyme；thereforetheheavensbepleasedtogranttotheeatallshe-conflictsastiff-standingfortune。Wellthen，asthouhastsaid，sowillIdo；Iwill，ingoodfaith，marry，——inthatpointthereshallbenofailing，Ipromisethee，——andshallhavealwaysbymeprettygirlsclothedwiththenameofmywife\'swaiting-maids，that，lyingunderthywings，thoumayestbenight-protectoroftheirsisterhood。
Letthisserveforthefirstpartofthesermon。Hearken，quothFriarJohn，totheoracleofthebellsofVarenes。Whatsaythey？Ihearandunderstandthem，quothPanurge；theirsoundis，bymythirst，moreuprightlyfatidicalthanthatofJove\'sgreatkettlesinDodona。Hearken！
Taketheeawife，taketheeawife，andmarry，marry，marry；forifthoumarry，thoushaltfindgoodtherein，herein，hereinawifethoushaltfindgood；somarry，marry。IwillassuretheethatIshallbemarried；alltheelementsinviteandpromptmetoit。Letthiswordbetotheeabrazenwall，bydiffidencenottobebrokenthrough。Asforthesecondpartofthisourdoctrine，——thouseemestinsomemeasuretomistrustthereadinessofmypaternityinthepractisingofmyplacket-racketwithintheAphrodisiantennis-courtatalltimesfitting，asifthestiffgodofgardenswerenotfavourabletome。Ipraythee，favourmesomuchastobelievethatIstillhavehimatabeck，attendingalwaysmycommandments，docile，obedient，vigorous，andactiveinallthingsandeverywhere，andneverstubbornorrefractorytomywillorpleasure。Ineednomorebuttoletgothereins，andslackentheleash，whichisthebelly-point，andwhenthegameisshownuntohim，say，Hey，Jack，tothybooty！hewillnotfaileventhentofleshhimselfuponhisprey，andtuzzleittosomepurpose。
Herebyyoumayperceive，althoughmyfuturewifewereasunsatiableandgluttonousinhervoluptuousnessandthedelightsofveneryaseverwastheEmpressMessalina，oryettheMarchionessofOincesterinEngland，andI
desiretheetogivecredittoit，thatIlacknotforwhatisrequisitetooverlaythestomachofherlust，buthavewherewithaboundinglytopleaseher。IamnotignorantthatSolomonsaid，whoindeedofthatmatterspeakethclerklikeandlearnedly，——asalsohowAristotleafterhimdeclaredforatruththat，forthegreaterpart，thelecheryofawomanisravenousandunsatisfiable。Nevertheless，letsuchasaremyfriendswhoreadthosepassagesreceivefrommeforamostrealverity，thatIforsuchaJillhaveafitJack；andthat，ifwomen\'sthingscannotbesatiated，Ihaveaninstrumentindefatigable，——animplementascopiousinthegivingascanincravingbetheirvademecums。Donothereproduceancientexamplesoftheparagonsofpaillardice，andoffertomatchwithmytesticulatoryabilitythePriapaeanprowessofthefabulousfornicators，Hercules，ProculusCaesar，andMahomet，whoinhisAlkorandothvauntthatinhiscodshehadthevigourofthreescorebullyruffians；butletnozealousChristiantrusttherogue，——thefilthyribaldrascalisaliar。Norshaltthouneedtourgeauthorities，orbringforththeinstanceoftheIndianprinceofwhomTheophrastus，Plinius，andAthenaeustestify，thatwiththehelpofacertainherbhewasable，andhadgivenfrequentexperimentsthereof，totosshissinewypieceofgenerationintheactofcarnalconcupiscenceabovethreescoreandtentimesinthespaceoffour-and-twentyhours。OfthatIbelievenothing，thenumberissupposititious，andtooprodigallyfoistedin。Givenofaithuntoit，Ibeseechthee，butpritheetrustmeinthis，andthycredulitythereinshallnotbewronged，foritistrue，andprobatumest，thatmypioneerofnature——thesacredithyphallianchampion——
isofallstiff-intrudingbladestheprimest。Comehither，myballocket，andhearken。DidstthoueverseethemonkofCastre\'scowl？Wheninanyhouseitwaslaiddown，whetheropenlyintheviewofallorcovertlyoutofthesightofany，suchwastheineffablevirtuethereofforexcitatingandstirringupthepeopleofbothsexesuntolechery，thatthewholeinhabitantsandindwellers，notonlyofthat，butlikewiseofallthecircumjacentplacesthereto，withinthreeleaguesaroundit，didsuddenlyenterintorut，bothbeastsandfolks，menandwomen，eventothedogsandhogs，ratsandcats。
IsweartotheethatmanytimesheretoforeIhaveperceivedandfoundinmycodpieceacertainkindofenergyorefficaciousvirtuemuchmoreirregularandofagreateranomalythanwhatIhaverelated。Iwillnotspeaktotheeeitherofhouseorcottage，norofchurchormarket，butonlytellthee，thatonceattherepresentationofthePassion，whichwasactedatSaintMaxents，Ihadnosoonerenteredwithinthepitofthetheatre，butthatforthwith，bythevirtueandoccultpropertyofit，onasuddenallthatwerethere，bothplayersandspectators，didfallintosuchanexorbitanttemptationoflust，thattherewasnotangel，man，devil，nordevilessupontheplacewhowouldnotthenhavebricollitcheditwithalltheirheartandsoul。Theprompterforsookhiscopy，hewhoplayedMichael\'spartcamedowntorights，thedevilsissuedoutofhellandcarriedalongwiththemmostoftheprettylittlegirlsthatwerethere；
yea，Lucifergotoutofhisfetters；inaword，seeingthehugedisorder，I
disparkedmyselfforthofthatenclosedplace，inimitationofCatotheCensor，whoperceiving，byreasonofhispresence，theFloralianfestivalsoutoforder，withdrewhimself。
Chapter3。XXVIII。
HowFriarJohncomfortethPanurgeinthedoubtfulmatterofcuckoldry。
Iunderstandtheewellenough，saidFriarJohn；buttimemakesallthingsplain。Themostdurablemarbleorporphyryissubjecttooldageanddecay。Thoughforthepresentthoupossiblybenotwearyoftheexercise，yetisitlikeIwillheartheeconfessafewyearshencethatthycodshangdanglingdownwardsforwantofabettertruss。Iseetheewaxingalittlehoar-headedalready。Thybeard，bythedistinctionofgrey，white，tawny，andblack，hathtomythinkingtheresemblanceofamapoftheterrestrialglobeorgeographicalchart。LookattentivelyuponandtakeinspectionofwhatIshallshowuntothee。BeholdthereAsia。HereareTigrisandEuphrates。LothereAfric。HereisthemountainoftheMoon，——
yonderthoumaystperceivethefennymarchofNilus。OnthissideliethEurope。DostthounotseetheAbbeyofTheleme？Thislittletuft，whichisaltogetherwhite，istheHyperboreanHills。Bythethirstofmythropple，friend，whensnowisonthemountains，Isaytheheadandthechin，thereisnotthenanyconsiderableheattobeexpectedinthevalleysandlowcountriesofthecodpiece。Bythekibesofthyheels，quothPanurge，thoudostnotunderstandthetopics。Whensnowisonthetopsofthehills，lightning，thunder，tempest，whirlwinds，storms，hurricanes，andallthedevilsofhellrageinthevalleys。Wouldstthouseetheexperiencethereof，gototheterritoryoftheSwitzersandearnestlyperpendwiththyselftherethesituationofthelakeofWunderberlich，aboutfourleaguesdistantfromBerne，ontheSyon-sideoftheland。Thoutwittestmewithmygreyhairs，yetconsiderestnothowIamofthenatureofleeks，whichwithawhiteheadcarryagreen，fresh，straight，andvigoroustail。Thetruthis，neverthelesswhyshouldIdenyit，thatI
nowandthendiscerninmyselfsomeindicativesignsofoldage。Tellthis，Iprithee，tonobody，butletitbekeptverycloseandsecretbetwixtustwo；forIfindthewinemuchsweeternow，moresavourytomytaste，anduntomypalateofabetterrelishthanformerlyIwaswonttodo；andwithal，besidesmineaccustomedmanner，IhaveamoredreadfulapprehensionthanIeverheretoforehavehadoflightingonbadwine。NoteandobservethatthisdothargueandportendIknownotwhatofthewestandoccidentofmytime，andsignifieththatthesouthandmeridianofmineageispast。Butwhatthen，mygentlecompanion？ThatdothbutbetokenthatIwillhereafterdrinksomuchthemore。Thatisnot，thedevilhaleit，thethingthatIfear；norisittherewheremyshoepinches。ThethingthatIdoubtmost，andhavegreatestreasontodreadandsuspectis，thatthroughsomelongabsenceofourKingPantagrueltowhomImustneedsbearcompanyshouldhegotoallthedevilsofBarathrum，myfuturewifeshallmakemeacuckold。Thisis，intruth，thelongandshorton\'t。ForIambyallthosewhomIhavespoketomenacedandthreatenedwithahornedfortune，andallofthemaffirmitisthelottowhichfromheavenIampredestinated。Everyone，answeredFriarJohn，thatwouldbeacuckoldisnotone。Ifitbethyfatetobehereafterofthenumberofthathornedcattle，thenmayIconcludewithanErgo，thywifewillbebeautiful，andErgo，thouwiltbekindlyusedbyher。LikewisewiththisErgo，thoushaltbeblessedwiththefruitionofmanyfriendsandwell-willers。AndfinallywiththisotherErgo，thoushaltbesavedandhaveaplaceinParadise。
Thesearemonachaltopicsandmaximsofthecloister。Thoumaysttakemorelibertytosin。Thoushaltbemoreateasethanever。Therewillbeneverthelessleftforthee，nothingdiminished，butthygoodsshallincreasenotably。Andifsobeitwaspreordinatedforthee，wouldstthoubesoimpiousasnottoacquiesceinthydestiny？Speak，thoujadedcod。
FadedC。LoutingC。AppellantC。
MouldyC。DiscouragedC。SwaggingC。
MustyC。SurfeitedC。WitheredC。
PaltryC。PeevishC。Broken-reinedC。
SenselessC。TranslatedC。DefectiveC。
FounderedC。ForlornC。CrestfallenC。
DistemperedC。UnsavouryC。FelledC。
BewrayedC。Worm-eatenC。FleetedC。
InveigledC。OvertoiledC。CloyedC。
DanglingC。MiserableC。SqueezedC。
StupidC。SteepedC。RestyC。
SeedlessC。Kneaded-with-cold-PoundedC。
SoakedC。waterC。LooseC。
ColdishC。HackedC。FruitlessC。
PickledC。FlaggyC。RivenC。
ChurnedC。ScrubbyC。PursyC。
FillipedC。DrainedC。FustyC。
SinglefiedC。HaledC。JadishC。
BegrimedC。LollingC。FistulousC。
WrinkledC。DrenchedC。LanguishingC。
FaintedC。BurstC。MaleficiatedC。
ExtenuatedC。StirredupC。HecticC。
GrimC。MitredC。WornoutC。
WastedC。PeddlinglyfurnishedIll-favouredC。
InflamedC。C。DuncifiedC。
UnhingedC。RustyC。MaceratedC。
ScurfyC。ExhaustedC。ParalyticC。
StraddlingC。PerplexedC。DegradedC。
PutrefiedC。UnhelvedC。BenumbedC。
MaimedC。FizzledC。Bat-likeC。
OverlecheredC。LeprousC。Fart-shottenC。
DruggelyC。BruisedC。SunburntC。
MitifiedC。SpadonicC。PacifiedC。
Goat-riddenC。BoughtyC。BluntedC。
WeakenedC。MealyC。RanklingtastedC。
Ass-riddenC。WranglingC。RootedoutC。
Puff-pastedC。GangrenedC。CostiveC。
St。AnthonifiedC。Crust-risenC。HailedonC。
UntripedC。RaggedC。CuffedC。
BlastedC。QuelledC。BuffetedC。
CutoffC。BraggadocioC。WhirretedC。
BeveragedC。BeggarlyC。RobbedC。
ScarifiedC。TrepannedC。NeglectedC。
DashedC。BeduskedC。LameC。
SlashedC。EmasculatedC。ConfusedC。
EnfeebledC。CorkedC。UnsavouryC。
Whore-huntingC。TransparentC。OverthrownC。
DeterioratedC。VileC。BoultedC。
ChillC。AntedatedC。TrodunderC。
ScrupulousC。ChoppedC。DesolateC。
CrazedC。PinkedC。DecliningC。
TastelessC。Cup-glassifiedC。StinkingC。
SorrowfulC。HarshC。CrookedC。
MurderedC。BeatenC。BrabblingC。
Matachin-likeC。BarredC。RottenC。
BesottedC。AbandonedC。AnxiousC。
CustomerlessC。ConfoundedC。CloutedC。
MincedC。LoutishC。TiredC。
ExulceratedC。BornedownC。ProudC。
PatchedC。SparredC。FracturedC。
StupifiedC。AbashedC。MelancholyC。
AnnihilatedC。UnseasonableC。CoxcomblyC。
SpentC。OppressedC。BaseC。
FoiledC。GratedC。BleakedC。
AnguishedC。FallingawayC。DetestedC。
DisfiguredC。SmallcutC。DiaphanousC。
DisabledC。DisorderedC。UnworthyC。
ForcelessC。LatticedC。CheckedC。
CensuredC。RuinedC。MangledC。
CutC。ExasperatedC。TurnedoverC。
RifledC。RejectedC。HarriedC。
UndoneC。BelammedC。FlawedC。
CorrectedC。FabricitantC。FrowardC。
SlitC。PerusedC。UglyC。
SkittishC。EmasculatedC。DrawnC。
SpongyC。RoughlyhandledC。RivenC。
BotchedC。ExaminedC。DistastefulC。
DejectedC。CrackedC。HangingC。
JaggedC。WaywardC。BrokenC。
PiningC。HaggledC。LimberC。
DeformedC。GleaningC。EffeminateC。
MischievedC。Ill-favouredC。KindledC。
CobbledC。PulledC。EvacuatedC。
EmbasedC。DroopingC。GrievedC。
RansackedC。FaintC。CarkingC。
DespisedC。ParchedC。DisorderlyC。
MangyC。PaltryC。EmptyC。
AbasedC。CankeredC。DisquietedC。
SupineC。VoidC。BesystedC。
MendedC。VexedC。ConfoundedC。
DismayedC。BestunkC。HookedC。
DivorousC。WinnowedC。UnluckyC。
WeariedC。DecayedC。SterileC。
SadC。DisastrousC。BeshittenC。
CrossC。UnhandsomeC。AppeasedC。
Vain-gloriousC。StummedC。CaitiffC。
PoorC。BarrenC。WoefulC。
BrownC。WretchedC。UnseemlyC。
ShrunkenC。FeebleC。HeavyC。
AbhorredC。CastdownC。WeakC。
TroubledC。StoppedC。ProstratedC。
ScornfulC。KeptunderC。UncomelyC。
DishonestC。StubbornC。NaughtyC。
ReprovedC。GroundC。LaidflatC。
CocketedC。RetchlessC。SuffocatedC。
FilthyC。Weather-beatenC。HelddownC。
ShredC。FlayedC。BarkedC。
ChawnedC。BaldC。HairlessC。
Short-windedC。TossedC。FlampingC。
BranchlessC。FlappingC。HoodedC。
ChappedC。CleftC。WormyC。
FailingC。MeagreC。BesystedInhisanxietytoswellhiscatalogueasmuchaspossible，SirThomasUrquharthassetdownthiswordtwice。C。
DeficientC。DumpifiedC。FaultyC。
LeanC。SuppressedC。BemealedC。
ConsumedC。HaggedC。MortifiedC。
UsedC。JawpedC。ScurvyC。
PuzzledC。HavockedC。BescabbedC。
AllayedC。AstonishedC。TornC。
SpoiledC。DulledC。SubduedC。
ClaggedC。SlowC。SneakingC。
Palsy-strickenC。PluckedupC。BareC。
AmazedC。ConstipatedC。SwartC。
BedunsedC。BlownC。SmutchedC。
ExtirpatedC。BlockifiedC。RaisedupC。
BangedC。PommelledC。ChoppedC。
StrippedC。All-to-bemauledC。FlirtedC。
HoaryC。FallenawayC。BlainedC。
BlottedC。StaleC。RensyC。
SunkinC。CorruptedC。FrowningC。
GhastlyC。BefloweredC。LimpingC。
UnpointedC。AmatedC。RavelledC。
BeblisteredC。BlackishC。RammishC。
WizenedC。UnderlaidC。GauntC。
Beggar-platedC。LoathingC。BeskimmeredC。
DoufC。Ill-filledC。ScraggyC。
ClartyC。BobbedC。LankC。
LumpishC。MatedC。SwasheringC。
AbjectC。TawnyC。MoilingC。
SideC。WhealedC。SwinkingC。
ChokedupC。BesmearedC。HarriedC。
BackwardC。HollowC。TuggedC。
ProlixC。PantlessC。TowedC。
SpottedC。GuizenedC。MisusedC。
CrumpledC。DemissC。AdamiticalC。
FrumpledC。RefractoryC。
Ballockatsotothedevil，mydearfriendPanurge，seeingitissodecreedbythegods，wouldstthouinvertthecourseoftheplanets，andmakethemretrograde？Wouldstthoudisorderallthecelestialspheres，blametheintelligences，bluntthespindles，jointthewherves，slanderthespinningquills，reproachthebobbins，reviletheclew-bottoms，andfinallyravelanduntwistallthethreadsofboththewarpandthewaftoftheweirdSister-Parcae？Whatapoxtothybonesdostthoumean，stonycod？Thouwouldstifthoucouldst，agreatdealworsethanthegiantsofoldintendedtohavedone。Comehither，billicullion。Whetherwouldstthoubejealouswithoutcause，orbeacuckoldandknownothingofit？Neithertheonenortheother，quothPanurge，wouldIchoosetobe。ButifIgetaninklingofthematter，Iwillprovidewellenough，orthereshallnotbeonestickofwoodwithinfivehundredleaguesaboutmewhereoftomakeacudgel。Ingoodfaith，FriarJohn，Ispeaknowseriouslyuntothee，Ithinkitwillbemybestnottomarry。Hearkentowhatthebellsdotellme，nowthatwearenearertothem！Donotmarry，marrynot，not，not，not，not；marry，marrynot，not，not，not，not。Ifthoumarry，thouwiltmiscarry，carry，carry；thou\'ltrepentit，resentit，sentit！Ifthoumarry，thouacuckold，acou-cou-cuckoo，cou-cou-cuckoldthoushaltbe。BytheworthywrathofGod，Ibegintobeangry。Thiscampanilianoraclefrettethmetotheguts，——aMarchharewasneverinsuchachafeasIam。OhowIamvexed！Youmonksandfriarsofthecowl-patedandhood-polledfraternity，haveyounoremedynorsalveagainstthismaladyofgraffinghornsinheads？Hathnaturesoabandonedhumankind，andofherhelpleftussodestitute，thatmarriedmencannotknowhowtosailthroughtheseasofthismortallifeandbesafefromthewhirlpools，quicksands，rocks，andbanksthatliealongstthecoastofCornwall。
Iwill，saidFriarJohn，showtheeawayandteachtheeanexpedientbymeanswhereofthywifeshallnevermaketheeacuckoldwithoutthyknowledgeandthineownconsent。Domethefavour，Ipraythee，quothPanurge，mypretty，soft，downycod；nowtellit，billy，tellit，Ibeseechthee。Take，quothFriarJohn，HansCarvel\'sringuponthyfinger，whowastheKingofMelinda\'schiefjeweller。BesidesthatthisHansCarvelhadthereputationofbeingveryskilfulandexpertinthelapidary\'sprofession，hewasastudious，learned，andingeniousman，ascientificperson，fullofknowledge，agreatphilosopher，ofasoundjudgment，ofaprimewit，goodsense，clearspirited，anhonestcreature，courteous，charitable，agiverofalms，andofajovialhumour，abooncompanion，andamerryblade，ifevertherewasanyintheworld。Hewassomewhatgorbellied，hadalittleshakeinhishead，andwasineffectunwieldyofhisbody。InhisoldagehetooktowifetheBailiffofConcordat\'sdaughter，young，fair，jolly，gallant，spruce，frisk，brisk，neat，feat，smirk，smug，compt，quaint，gay，fine，tricksy，trim，decent，proper，graceful，handsome，beautiful，comely，andkind——alittletoomuch——toherneighboursandacquaintance。
Hereuponitfellout，aftertheexpiringofascantlingofweeks，thatMasterCarvelbecameasjealousasatiger，andenteredintoaveryprofoundsuspicionthathisnew-marriedgixydidkeepa-buttock-stirringwithothers。Topreventwhichinconveniencyhedidtellhermanytragicalstoriesofthetotalruinofseveralkingdomsbyadultery；didreaduntoherthelegendofchastewives；thenmadesomelecturestoherinthepraiseofthechoicevirtueofpudicity，anddidpresentherwithabookincommendationofconjugalfidelity；whereinthewickednessofalllicentiouswomenwasodiouslydetested；andwithalhegaveherachainenrichedwithpureorientalsapphires。Notwithstandingallthis，hefoundheralwaysmoreandmoreinclinedtothereceptionofherneighbourcopes-mates，thatdaybydayhisjealousyincreased。Insequelwhereof，onenightashewaslyingbyher，whilstinhissleeptheramblingfanciesofthelecherousdeportmentsofhiswifedidtakeupthecellulesofhisbrain，hedreamtthatheencounteredwiththedevil，towhomhehaddiscoveredtothefullthebuzzingofhisheadandsuspicionthathiswifedidtreadhershoeawry。Thedevil，hethought，inthisperplexitydidforhiscomfortgivehimaring，andtherewithaldidkindlyputitonhismiddlefinger，saying，HansCarvel，Igivetheethisring，——whilstthoucarriestituponthatfinger，thywifeshallnevercarnallybeknownbyanyotherthanthyselfwithoutthyspecialknowledgeandconsent。Gramercy，quothHansCarvel，mylorddevil，IrenounceMahometifeveritshallcomeoffmyfinger。Thedevilvanished，asishiscustom；andthenHansCarvel，fullofjoyawaking，foundthathismiddlefingerwasasfarasitcouldreachwithinthewhat-do-by-call-itofhiswife。Ididforgettotelltheehowhiswife，assoonasshehadfeltthefingerthere，said，inrecoilingherbuttocks，Off，yes，nay，tut，pish，tush，ay，lord，thatisnotthethingwhichshouldbeputupinthatplace。WiththisHansCarvelthoughtthatsomepilferingfellowwasabouttotaketheringfromhim。Isnotthisaninfallibleandsovereignantidote？Therefore，ifthouwiltbelieveme，inimitationofthisexampleneverfailtohavecontinuallytheringofthywife\'scommodityuponthyfinger。Whenthatwassaid，theirdiscourseandtheirwayended。
Chapter3。XXIX。
HowPantagruelconvocatedtogetheratheologian，physician，lawyer，andphilosopher，forextricatingPanurgeoutoftheperplexitywhereinhewas。
Nosoonerweretheycomeintotheroyalpalace，buttheytothefullmadereportuntoPantagruelofthesuccessoftheirexpedition，andshowedhimtheresponseofRaminagrobis。WhenPantagruelhadreaditoverandoveragain，theoftenerheperuseditbeingthebetterpleasedtherewith，hesaid，inaddressinghisspeechtoPanurge，Ihavenotasyetseenanyanswerframedtoyourdemandwhichaffordethmemorecontentment。Forinthishissuccinctcopyofverses，hesummarilyandbriefly，yetfullyenoughexpressethhowhewouldhaveustounderstandthateveryoneintheprojectandenterpriseofmarriageoughttobehisowncarver，solearbitratorofhisproperthoughts，andfromhimselfalonetakecounselinthemainandperemptoryclosureofwhathisdeterminationshouldbe，ineitherhisassenttoordissentfromit。Suchalwayshathbeenmyopiniontoyou，andwhenatfirstyouspokethereoftomeItrulytoldyouthissameverything；buttacitlyyouscornedmyadvice，andwouldnotharbouritwithinyourmind。Iknowforcertain，andthereforemayIwiththegreaterconfidenceuttermyconceptionofit，thatphilauty，orself-love，isthatwhichblindsyourjudgmentanddeceivethyou。
Letusdootherwise，andthatisthis:Whateverweare，orhave，consistethinthreethings——thesoul，thebody，andthegoods。Now，forthepreservationofthesethree，therearethreesortsoflearnedmenordained，eachrespectivelytohavecareofthatonewhichisrecommendedtohischarge。Theologuesareappointedforthesoul，physiciansforthewelfareofthebody，andlawyersforthesafetyofourgoods。HenceitisthatitismyresolutiontohaveonSundaynextwithmeatdinneradivine，aphysician，andalawyer，thatwiththosethreeassembledthustogetherwemayineverypointandparticleconferatlargeofyourperplexity。BySaintPicot，answeredPanurge，wenevershalldoanygoodthatway，Iseeitalready。Andyouseeyourselfhowtheworldisvilelyabused，aswhenwithafoxtailoneclapsanother\'sbreechtocajolehim。Wegiveoursoulstokeeptothetheologues，whoforthegreaterpartareheretics。Ourbodieswecommittothephysicians，whoneverthemselvestakeanyphysic。
Andthenweentrustourgoodstothelawyers，whonevergotolawagainstoneanother。Youspeaklikeacourtier，quothPantagruel。Butthefirstpointofyourassertionistobedenied；forwedailyseehowgoodtheologuesmakeittheirchiefbusiness，theirwholeandsoleemployment，bytheirdeeds，theirwords，andwritings，toextirpateerrorsandheresiesoutoftheheartsofmen，andintheirsteadprofoundlyplantthetrueandlivelyfaith。ThesecondpointyouspokeofIcommend；for，whereastheprofessorsoftheartofmedicinegivesogoodordertotheprophylactic，orconservativepartoftheirfaculty，inwhatconcerneththeirproperhealths，thattheystandinnoneedofmakinguseoftheotherbranch，whichisthecurativeortherapeutic，bymedicaments。Asforthethird，I
grantittobetrue，forlearnedadvocatesandcounsellorsatlawaresomuchtakenupwiththeaffairsofothersintheirconsultations，pleadings，andsuch-likepatrocinationsofthosewhoaretheirclients，thattheyhavenoleisuretoattendanycontroversiesoftheirown。Therefore，onthenextensuingSunday，letthedivinebeourgodlyFatherHippothadee，thephysicianourhonestMasterRondibilis，andourlegistourfriendBridlegoose。Norwillitbetomythinkingamiss，thatweenterintothePythagoricfield，andchooseforanassistanttothethreeafore-nameddoctorsourancientfaithfulacquaintance，thephilosopherTrouillogan；
especiallyseeingaperfectphilosopher，suchasisTrouillogan，isablepositivelytoresolveallwhatsoeverdoubtsyoucanpropose。Carpalin，haveyouacaretohavethemhereallfouronSundaynextatdinner，withoutfail。
Ibelieve，quothEpistemon，thatthroughoutthewholecountry，inallthecornersthereof，youcouldnothavepitcheduponsuchotherfour。WhichI
speaknotsomuchinregardofthemostexcellentqualificationsandaccomplishmentswherewithallofthemareendowedfortherespectivedischargeandmanagementofeachhisownvocationandcallingwhereinwithoutalldoubtorcontroversytheyaretheparagonsoftheland，andsurpassallothers，asforthatRondibilisismarriednow，whobeforewasnot，——Hippothadeewasnotbefore，norisyet，——Bridlegoosewasmarriedonce，butisnotnow，——andTrouilloganismarriednow，whoweddedwastoanotherwifebefore。Sir，ifitmaystandwithyourgoodliking，IwilleaseCarpalinofsomeparcelofhislabour，andinviteBridlegoosemyself，withwhomIofalongtimehavehadaveryintimatefamiliarity，anduntowhomIamtospeakonthebehalfofaprettyhopefulyouthwhonowstudiethatToulouse，underthemostlearnedvirtuousdoctorBoissonet。Dowhatyoudeemmostexpedient，quothPantagruel，andtellmeifmyrecommendationcaninanythingbesteadableforthepromovalofthegoodofthatyouth，orotherwiseserveforbetteringofthedignityandofficeoftheworthyBoissonet，whomIdosoloveandrespectforoneoftheablestandmostsufficientinhiswaythatanywhereareextant。Sir，Iwillusethereinmybestendeavours，andheartilybestirmyselfaboutit。