Chapter2。VI。
HowPantagruelmetwithaLimousin，whotooaffectedlydidcounterfeittheFrenchlanguage。
Uponacertainday，Iknownotwhen，Pantagruelwalkingaftersupperwithsomeofhisfellow-studentswithoutthatgateofthecitythroughwhichweenterontheroadtoParis，encounteredwithayoungspruce-likescholarthatwascominguponthesameveryway，and，aftertheyhadsalutedoneanother，askedhimthus，Myfriend，fromwhencecomestthounow？Thescholaransweredhim，Fromthealme，inclyte，andcelebrateacademy，whichisvocitatedLutetia。Whatisthemeaningofthis？saidPantagrueltooneofhismen。Itis，answeredhe，fromParis。ThoucomestfromParisthen，saidPantagruel；andhowdoyouspendyourtimethere，youmymastersthestudentsofParis？Thescholaranswered，WetransfretatetheSequanatthediluculandcrepuscul；wedeambulatebythecompitesandquadrivesoftheurb；wedespumatetheLatialverbocination；and，likeverisimilaryamorabons，wecaptatthebenevolenceoftheomnijugal，omniformandomnigenalfemininesex。Uponcertaindieculesweinvisatthelupanares，andinavenerianecstasyinculcateourveretresintothepenitissimerecessesofthepudendsoftheseamicabilissimmeretricules。ThendowecauponisateinthemeritorytabernsofthePineapple，theCastle，theMagdalene，andtheMule，goodlyvervecinespatulesperforaminatedwithpetrocile。Andifbyfortunethereberarityorpenuryofpecuneinourmarsupies，andthattheybeexhaustedofferrugineanmetal，fortheshotwedimitourcodicesandoppigneratourvestments，whilstweprestolatethecomingofthetabellariesfromthePenatesandpatrioticLares。TowhichPantagruelanswered，Whatdevilishlanguageisthis？BytheLord，Ithinkthouartsomekindofheretick。Mylord，no，saidthescholar；forlibentissimally，assoonasitillucescethanyminutulesliceoftheday，I
demigrateintooneofthesesowellarchitectedminsters，andthere，irroratingmyselfwithfairlustralwater，Imumbleofflittleparcelsofsomemissicprecationofoursacrificuls，and，submurmuratingmyhoraryprecules，Ielevateandabstergemyanimefromitsnocturnalinquinations。
IreveretheOlympicols。IlatriallyvenerethesupernalAstripotent。I
diligeandredamemyproxims。Iobservethedecalogicalprecepts，and，accordingtothefacultatuleofmyvires，Idonotdiscedefromthemonelateunguicule。Nevertheless，itisveriform，thatbecauseMammonadothnotsupergurgitateanythinginmyloculs，thatIamsomewhatrareandlenttosupererogatetheelemosynestothoseegentsthathostiallyqueritatetheirstipe。
Prut，tut，saidPantagruel，whatdoththisfoolmeantosay？Ithinkheisupontheforgingofsomediabolicaltongue，andthatenchanter-likehewouldcharmus。Towhomoneofhismensaid，Withoutdoubt，sir，thisfellowwouldcounterfeitthelanguageoftheParisians，buthedothonlyflaytheLatin，imaginingbysodoingthathedothhighlyPindarizeitinmosteloquentterms，andstronglyconceitethhimselftobethereforeagreatoratorintheFrench，becausehedisdaineththecommonmannerofspeaking。TowhichPantagruelsaid，Isittrue？Thescholaranswered，Myworshipfullord，mygenieisnotaptnatetothatwhichthisflagitiousnebulonsaith，toexcoriatethecuticuleofourvernacularGallic，butvice-versallyIgnaveopere，andbyvelesandramesenitetolocupletateitwiththeLatinicomeredundance。ByG——，saidPantagruel，Iwillteachyoutospeak。Butfirstcomehither，andtellmewhencethouart。Tothisthescholaranswered，TheprimevaloriginofmyavesandataveswasindigenaryoftheLemovicregions，whererequiesceththecorporofthehagiotatSt。
Martial。Iunderstandtheeverywell，saidPantagruel。Whenallcomestoall，thouartaLimousin，andthouwiltherebythyaffectedspeechcounterfeittheParisians。Wellnow，comehither，Imustshowtheeanewtrick，andhandsomelygivetheethecombfeat。Withthishetookhimbythethroat，sayingtohim，ThouflayesttheLatin；bySt。John，Iwillmaketheeflaythefox，forIwillnowflaytheealive。ThenbeganthepoorLimousintocry，Haw，gwidmaaster！haw，Laord，myhalp，andSt。Marshaw！
haw，I\'mworried。Haw，mythropple，thebeanofmycraggisbruck！Haw，forgauad\'ssecklawtmylean，mawster；waw，waw，waw。Now，saidPantagruel，thouspeakestnaturally，andsolethimgo，forthepoorLimousinhadtotallybewrayedandthoroughlyconshithisbreeches，whichwerenotdeepandlargeenough，butroundstraightcannionedgregs，havingintheseatapiecelikeakeeling\'stail，andthereforeinFrenchcalled，dechaussesaqueuedemerlus。Then，saidPantagruel，St。Alipantin，whatcivet？Fie！tothedevilwiththisturnip-eater，ashestinks！andsolethimgo。ButthishugofPantagruel\'swassuchaterrortohimallthedaysofhislife，andtooksuchdeepimpressioninhisfancy，thatveryoften，distractedwithsuddenaffrightments，hewouldstartleandsaythatPantagruelheldhimbytheneck。Besidesthat，itprocuredhimacontinualdroughtanddesiretodrink，sothataftersomefewyearshediedofthedeathRoland，inplainEnglishcalledthirst，aworkofdivinevengeance，showingusthatwhichsaiththephilosopherandAulusGellius，thatitbecomethustospeakaccordingtothecommonlanguage；andthatweshould，assaidOctavianAugustus，strivetoshunallstrangeandunknowntermswithasmuchheedfulnessandcircumspectionaspilotsofshipsusetoavoidtherocksandbanksinthesea。
Chapter2。VII。
HowPantagruelcametoParis，andofthechoicebooksoftheLibraryofSt。
Victor。
AfterthatPantagruelhadstudiedverywellatOrleans，heresolvedtoseethegreatUniversityatParis；but，beforehisdeparture，hewasinformedthattherewasahugebigbellatSt。AnianinthesaidtownofOrleans，undertheground，whichhadbeenthereabovetwohundredandfourteenyears，foritwassogreatthattheycouldnotbyanydevicegetitsomuchasabovetheground，althoughtheyusedallthemeansthatarefoundinVitruviusdeArchitectura，AlbertusdeReAedificatoria，Euclid，Theon，Archimedes，andHerodeIngeniis；forallthatwastonopurpose。
Wherefore，condescendingheartilytothehumblerequestofthecitizensandinhabitantsofthesaidtown，hedeterminedtoremoveittothetowerthatwaserectedforit。Withthathecametotheplacewhereitwas，andlifteditoutofthegroundwithhislittlefingeraseasilyasyouwouldhavedoneahawk\'sbellorbellwether\'stingle-tangle；but，beforehewouldcarryittotheforesaidtowerorsteepleappointedforit，hewouldneedsmakesomemusicwithitaboutthetown，andringitalongstallthestreetsashecarrieditinhishand，wherewithallthepeoplewereveryglad。Buttherehappenedonegreatinconveniency，forwithcarryingitso，andringingitaboutthestreets，allthegoodOrleanswineturnedinstantly，waxedflatandwasspoiled，whichnobodytheredidperceivetillthenightfollowing；foreverymanfoundhimselfsoalteredanda-drywithdrinkingtheseflatwines，thattheydidnothingbutspit，andthataswhiteasMaltacotton，saying，WehaveofthePantagruel，andourverythroatsaresalted。Thisdone，hecametoPariswithhisretinue。Andathisentryeveryonecameouttoseehim——asyouknowwellenoughthatthepeopleofParisissottishbynature，byBflatandBsharp——andbeheldhimwithgreatastonishment，mixedwithnolessfearthathewouldcarryawaythepalaceintosomeothercountry，aremotis，andfarfromthem，ashisfatherformerlyhaddonethegreatpealofbellsatOurLady\'sChurchtotieabouthismare\'sneck。Nowafterhehadstayedthereaprettyspace，andstudiedverywellinallthesevenliberalarts，hesaiditwasagoodtowntolivein，butnottodie；forthatthegrave-diggingroguesofSt。Innocentusedinfrostynightstowarmtheirbumswithdeadmen\'sbones。InhisabodetherehefoundthelibraryofSt。Victoraverystatelyandmagnificone，especiallyinsomebookswhichwerethere，ofwhichfolloweththeRepertoryandCatalogue，Etprimo，TheforGodsakeofSalvation。
TheCodpieceoftheLaw。
TheSlipshoeoftheDecretals。
ThePomegranateofVice。
TheClew-bottomofTheology。
TheDusterorFoxtail-flapofPreachers，composedbyTurlupin。
TheChurningBallockoftheValiant。
TheHenbaneoftheBishops。
Marmotretusdebaboonisetapis，cumCommentoDorbellis。
DecretumUniversitatisParisiensissupergorgiasitatemuliercularumadplacitum。
TheApparitionofSancteGeltrudetoaNunofPoissy，beingintravailatthebringingforthofachild。
Arshonestefartandiinsocietate，perMarcumCorvinumOrtuinum。
TheMustard-potofPenance。
TheGamashes，aliastheBootsofPatience。
Formicariumartium。
Debrodiorumusu，ethonestatequartandi，perSylvestremPrioratemJacobinum。
TheCosenedorGulledinCourt。
TheFrailoftheScriveners。
TheMarriage-packet。
TheCruizyorCrucibleofContemplation。
TheFlimflamsoftheLaw。
ThePrickleofWine。
TheSpurofCheese。
RuboffatoriumDecrotatoriumscholarium。
Tartaretusdemodocacandi。
TheBravadesofRome。
BricotdeDifferentiisBrowsarum。
TheTailpiece-Cushion，orClose-breechofDiscipline。
TheCobbledShoeofHumility。
TheTrivetofgoodThoughts。
TheKettleofMagnanimity。
TheCavillingEntanglementsofConfessors。
TheSnatchfareoftheCurates。
ReverendipatrisfratrisLubini，provincialisBavardiae，degulpendislardslicionibuslibritres。
PasquilliDoctorisMarmorei，decapreoliscumartichoketacomedendis，temporePapaliabEcclesiainterdicto。
TheInventionoftheHolyCross，personatedbysixwilyPriests。
TheSpectaclesofPilgrimsboundforRome。
Majorisdemodofaciendipuddinos。
TheBagpipeofthePrelates。
Bedadeoptimitatetriparum。
TheComplaintoftheBarristersupontheReformationofComfits。
TheFurredCatoftheSolicitorsandAttorneys。
OfPeasandBacon，cumCommento。
TheSmallValesorDrinkingMoneyoftheIndulgences。
PraeclarissimijurisutriusqueDoctorisMaistrePilloti，&c。，Scrap-farthingidebotchandisglossaeAccursianaeTriflisrepetitioenucidi-luculidissima。
StratagemataFrancharchiaerideBaniolet。
CarlbumpkinusdeReMilitaricumFigurisTevoti。
Deusuetutilitateflayandiequosetequas，authoreMagistronostrodeQuebecu。
TheSaucinessofCountry-Stewards。
M。N。Rostocostojambedanessedemustardapostprandiumservienda，libriquatuordecim，apostillatiperM。Vaurillonis。
TheCovillageorWench-tributeofPromoters。
JabolenusdeCosmographiaPurgatorii。
Quaestiosubtilissima，utrumChimaerainvacuobonbinanspossitcomederesecundasintentiones；etfuitdebatutaperdecemhebdomadasinConsilioConstantiensi。
TheBridle-champeroftheAdvocates。
SmutchudlamentaScoti。
TheRaspingandHard-scrapingoftheCardinals。
Decalcaribusremovendis，Decadesundecim，perM。AlbericumdeRosata。
Ejusdemdecastramentandiscriminibuslibritres。
TheEntranceofAnthonydeLeveintotheTerritoriesofBrazil。
Marforii，bacalariicubantisRomaedepeelandisautunskinnandisblurrandisqueCardinaliummulis。
ThesaidAuthor\'sApologyagainstthosewhoallegethatthePope\'smuledotheatbutatsettimes。
Prognosticatioquaeincipit，SilviiTriquebille，balataperM。N。，thedeep-dreaminggullSion。
BoudariniEpiscopideemulgentiarumprofectibusAeneadesnovem，cumprivilegioPapaliadtrienniumetposteanon。
TheShitabrannaoftheMaids。
TheBaldArseorPeeledBreechoftheWidows。
TheCowlorCapouchoftheMonks。
TheMumblingDevotionoftheCelestineFriars。
ThePassage-tollofBeggarliness。
TheTeeth-chatterorGum-didderofLubberlyLusks。
TheParing-shoveloftheTheologues。
TheDrench-hornoftheMastersofArts。
TheScullionsofOlcam，theuninitiatedClerk。
MagistriN。Lickdishetis，degarbellisiftationibushorarumcanonicarum，libriquadriginta。
Arsiversitatoriumconfratriarum，incertoauthore。
TheGulsgoatonyorRasherofCormorantsandRavenousFeeders。
TheRammishnessoftheSpaniardssupergivuregondigadedbyFriarInigo。
TheMutteringofPitifulWretches。
DastardismusrerumItalicarum，authoreMagistroBurnegad。
R。LulliusdeBatisfolagiisPrincipum。
Calibistratoriumcaffardiae，authoreM。JacoboHocstratenhereticometra。
CodticklerdeMagistronostrandorumMagistronostratorumquebeuvetis，librioctogalantissimi。
TheCrackaradesofBalistsorstone-throwingEngines，ContrepateClerks，Scriveners，Brief-writers，Rapporters，andPapalBull-despatcherslatelycompiledbyRegis。
AperpetualAlmanackforthosethathavethegoutandthepox。
ManerasweepandifornacellosperMag。Eccium。
TheShableorScimetarofMerchants。
ThePleasuresoftheMonachalLife。
TheHotchpotofHypocrites。
TheHistoryoftheHobgoblins。
TheRagamuffinismofthepensionarymaimedSoldiers。
TheGullingFibsandCounterfeitshowsofCommissaries。
TheLitterofTreasurers。
TheJuglingatoriumofSophisters。
AntipericatametanaparbeugedamphicribrationesToordicantium。
ThePeriwinkleofBallad-makers。
ThePush-forwardoftheAlchemists。
TheNiddy-noddyoftheSatchel-loadedSeekers，byFriarBindfastatis。
TheShacklesofReligion。
TheRacketofSwag-waggers。
TheLeaning-stockofoldAge。
TheMuzzleofNobility。
TheApe\'sPaternoster。
TheCricketsandHawk\'s-bellsofDevotion。
ThePotoftheEmber-weeks。
TheMortarofthePoliticLife。
TheFlapoftheHermits。
TheRiding-hoodorMontergofthePenitentiaries。
TheTrictracoftheKnockingFriars。
Blockheadodus，devitaethonestatebragadochiorum。
LyrippiiSorboniciMoralisationes，perM。Lupoldum。
TheCarrier-horse-bellsofTravellers。
TheBibbingsofthetipplingBishops。
DolloporedionesDoctorumColoniensiumadversusReuclin。
TheCymbalsofLadies。
TheDunger\'sMartingale。
WhirlingfriskorumChasemarkerorumperFratremCrackwoodloguetis。
TheCloutedPatchesofaStoutHeart。
TheMummeryoftheRacket-keepingRobin-goodfellows。
Gerson，deauferibilitatePapaeabEcclesia。
TheCatalogueoftheNominatedandGraduatedPersons。
Jo。Dytebrodii，terribilitateexcommunicationislibellusacephalos。
Ingeniositasinvocandidiabolosetdiabolas，perM。Guingolphum。
TheHotchpotchorGallimaufryoftheperpetuallybeggingFriars。
TheMorris-danceoftheHeretics。
TheWhiningsofCajetan。
MuddisnoutDoctorisCherubici，deorigineRoughfootedarum，etWryneckedorumritibus，libriseptem。
Sixty-ninefatBreviaries。
TheNightmareofthefiveOrdersofBeggars。
TheSkinneryofthenewStart-upsextractedoutofthefallow-butt，incornifistibulatedandploddeduponintheangelicsum。
TheRaverandidleTalkerincasesofConscience。
TheFatBellyofthePresidents。
TheBafflingFlouteroftheAbbots。
SutorisadversuseumquivocaverateumSlabsauceatorem，etquodSlabsauceatoresnonsuntdamnatiabEcclesia。
Cacatoriummedicorum。
TheChimney-sweeperofAstrology。
CampiclysteriorumperparagraphC。
TheBumsquibcrackerofApothecaries。
TheKissbreechofChirurgery。
JustinianusdeWhiteleperotistollendis。
Antidotariumanimae。
MerlinusCoccaius，depatriadiabolorum。
ThePracticeofIniquity，byCleuraunesSadden。
TheMirrorofBaseness，byRadnecuWaldenses。
TheEngrainedRogue，byDwarsencasEldenu。
TheMercilessCormorant，byHoxinidnotheJew。
Ofwhichlibrarysomebooksarealreadyprinted，andtherestarenowatthepressinthisnoblecityofTubingen。
Chapter2。VIII。
HowPantagruel，beingatParis，receivedlettersfromhisfatherGargantua，andthecopyofthem。
Pantagruelstudiedveryhard，asyoumaywellconceive，andprofitedaccordingly；forhehadanexcellentunderstandingandnotablewit，togetherwithacapacityinmemoryequaltothemeasureoftwelveoilbudgetsorbuttsofolives。And，ashewasthereabidingoneday，hereceivedaletterfromhisfatherinmannerasfolloweth。
MostdearSon，——Amongstthegifts，graces，andprerogatives，withwhichthesovereignplasmatorGodAlmightyhathendowedandadornedhumannatureatthebeginning，thatseemstomemostsingularandexcellentbywhichwemayinamortalstateattaintoakindofimmortality，andinthecourseofthistransitorylifeperpetuateournameandseed，whichisdonebyaprogenyissuedfromusinthelawfulbondsofmatrimony。Wherebythatinsomemeasureisrestoreduntouswhichwastakenfromusbythesinofourfirstparents，towhomitwassaidthat，becausetheyhadnotobeyedthecommandmentofGodtheirCreator，theyshoulddie，andbydeathshouldbebroughttonoughtthatsostatelyframeandplasmaturewhereinthemanatfirsthadbeencreated。
Butbythismeansofseminalpropagationthere\"Whichcontinueth\"intheoldcopy。continuethinthechildrenwhatwaslostintheparents，andinthegrandchildrenthatwhichperishedintheirfathers，andsosuccessivelyuntilthedayofthelastjudgment，whenJesusChristshallhaverendereduptoGodtheFatherhiskingdominapeaceablecondition，outofalldangerandcontaminationofsin；forthenshallceaseallgenerationsandcorruptions，andtheelementsleaveofftheircontinualtransmutations，seeingthesomuchdesiredpeaceshallbeattaineduntoandenjoyed，andthatallthingsshallbebroughttotheirendandperiod。And，therefore，notwithoutjustandreasonablecausedoIgivethankstoGodmySaviourandPreserver，forthathehathenabledmetoseemybaldoldagereflourishinthyyouth；forwhen，athisgoodpleasure，whorulesandgovernsallthings，mysoulshallleavethismortalhabitation，Ishallnotaccountmyselfwhollytodie，buttopassfromoneplaceuntoanother，consideringthat，inandbythat，Icontinueinmyvisibleimagelivingintheworld，visitingandconversingwithpeopleofhonour，andothermygoodfriends，asIwaswonttodo。Whichconversationofmine，althoughitwasnotwithoutsin，becauseweareallofustrespassers，andthereforeoughtcontinuallytobeseechhisdivinemajestytoblotourtransgressionsoutofhismemory，yetwasit，bythehelpandgraceofGod，withoutallmannerofreproachbeforemen。
Wherefore，ifthosequalitiesofthemindbutshineintheewherewithIamendowed，asintheeremaineththeperfectimageofmybody，thouwiltbeesteemedbyallmentobetheperfectguardianandtreasureoftheimmortalityofourname。But，ifotherwise，Ishalltrulytakebutsmallpleasuretoseeit，consideringthatthelesserpartofme，whichisthebody，wouldabideinthee，andthebest，towit，thatwhichisthesoul，andbywhichournamecontinuesblessedamongstmen，wouldbedegenerateandabastardized。ThisIdonotspeakoutofanydistrustthatIhaveofthyvirtue，whichIhaveheretoforealreadytried，buttoencouragetheeyetmoreearnestlytoproceedfromgoodtobetter。AndthatwhichInowwriteuntotheeisnotsomuchthatthoushouldstliveinthisvirtuouscourse，asthatthoushouldstrejoiceinsolivingandhavinglived，andcheerupthyselfwiththelikeresolutionintimetocome；totheprosecutionandaccomplishmentofwhichenterpriseandgenerousundertakingthoumaysteasilyrememberhowthatIhavesparednothing，buthavesohelpedthee，asifIhadhadnoothertreasureinthisworldbuttoseetheeonceinmylifecompletelywell-bredandaccomplished，aswellinvirtue，honesty，andvalour，asinallliberalknowledgeandcivility，andsotoleavetheeaftermydeathasamirrorrepresentingthepersonofmethyfather，andifnotsoexcellent，andsuchindeedasIdowishthee，yetsuchinmydesire。
Butalthoughmydeceasedfatherofhappymemory，Grangousier，hadbenthisbestendeavourstomakemeprofitinallperfectionandpoliticalknowledge，andthatmylabourandstudywasfullycorrespondentto，yea，wentbeyondhisdesire，nevertheless，asthoumayestwellunderstand，thetimethenwasnotsoproperandfitforlearningasitisatpresent，neitherhadIplentyofsuchgoodmastersasthouhasthad。Forthattimewasdarksome，obscuredwithcloudsofignorance，andsavouringalittleoftheinfelicityandcalamityoftheGoths，whohad，wherevertheysetfooting，destroyedallgoodliterature，whichinmyagehathbythedivinegoodnessbeenrestoreduntoitsformerlightanddignity，andthatwithsuchamendmentandincreaseoftheknowledge，thatnowhardlyshouldIbeadmitteduntothefirstformofthelittlegrammar-schoolboys——Isay，I，whoinmyyouthfuldayswas，andthatjustly，reputedthemostlearnedofthatage。WhichIdonotspeakinvainboasting，althoughImightlawfullydoitinwritinguntothee——inverificationwhereofthouhasttheauthorityofMarcusTulliusinhisbookofoldage，andthesentenceofPlutarchinthebookentitledHowamanmaypraisehimselfwithoutenvy——buttogivetheeanemulousencouragementtostriveyetfurther。
Nowisitthatthemindsofmenarequalifiedwithallmannerofdiscipline，andtheoldsciencesrevivedwhichformanyageswereextinct。
Nowitisthatthelearnedlanguagesaretotheirpristinepurityrestored，viz。，Greek，withoutwhichamanmaybeashamedtoaccounthimselfascholar，Hebrew，Arabic，Chaldaean，andLatin。Printinglikewiseisnowinuse，soelegantandsocorrectthatbettercannotbeimagined，althoughitwasfoundoutbutinmytimebydivineinspiration，asbyadiabolicalsuggestionontheothersidewastheinventionofordnance。Alltheworldisfullofknowingmen，ofmostlearnedschoolmasters，andvastlibraries；
anditappearstomeasatruth，thatneitherinPlato\'stime，norCicero\'s，norPapinian\'s，therewaseversuchconveniencyforstudyingasweseeatthisdaythereis。Normustanyadventurehenceforwardtocomeinpublic，orpresenthimselfincompany，thathathnotbeenprettywellpolishedintheshopofMinerva。Iseerobbers，hangmen，freebooters，tapsters，ostlers，andsuchlike，oftheveryrubbishofthepeople，morelearnednowthanthedoctorsandpreacherswereinmytime。
WhatshallIsay？Theverywomenandchildrenhaveaspiredtothispraiseandcelestialmannerofgoodlearning。Yetsoitisthat，intheageIamnowof，IhavebeenconstrainedtolearntheGreektongue——whichI
contemnednotlikeCato，buthadnottheleisureinmyyoungeryearstoattendthestudyofit——andtakemuchdelightinthereadingofPlutarch\'sMorals，thepleasantDialoguesofPlato，theMonumentsofPausanias，andtheAntiquitiesofAthenaeus，inwaitingonthehourwhereinGodmyCreatorshallcallmeandcommandmetodepartfromthisearthandtransitorypilgrimage。Wherefore，myson，Iadmonishtheetoemploythyyouthtoprofitaswellasthoucanst，bothinthystudiesandinvirtue。ThouartatParis，wherethelaudableexamplesofmanybravemenmaystirupthymindtogallantactions，andhastlikewiseforthytutorandpedagoguethelearnedEpistemon，whobyhislivelyandvocaldocumentsmayinstructtheeintheartsandsciences。
Iintend，andwillhaveitso，thatthoulearnthelanguagesperfectly；
firstofalltheGreek，asQuintilianwillhaveit；secondly，theLatin；
andthentheHebrew，fortheHolyScripturesake；andthentheChaldeeandArabiclikewise，andthatthouframethystyleinGreekinimitationofPlato，andfortheLatinafterCicero。Lettherebenohistorywhichthoushaltnothavereadyinthymemory；untotheprosecutingofwhichdesign，booksofcosmographywillbeveryconducibleandhelptheemuch。Oftheliberalartsofgeometry，arithmetic，andmusic，Igavetheesometastewhenthouwertyetlittle，andnotabovefiveorsixyearsold。Proceedfurtherinthem，andlearntheremainderifthoucanst。Asforastronomy，studyalltherulesthereof。Letpass，nevertheless，thediviningandjudicialastrology，andtheartofLullius，asbeingnothingelsebutplainabusesandvanities。Asforthecivillaw，ofthatIwouldhavetheetoknowthetextsbyheart，andthentoconferthemwithphilosophy。
Now，inmatteroftheknowledgeoftheworksofnature，Iwouldhavetheetostudythatexactly，andthatsotherebenosea，river，norfountain，ofwhichthoudostnotknowthefishes；allthefowlsoftheair；alltheseveralkindsofshrubsandtrees，whetherinforestsororchards；allthesortsofherbsandflowersthatgrowupontheground；allthevariousmetalsthatarehidwithinthebowelsoftheearth；togetherwithallthediversityofpreciousstonesthataretobeseenintheorientandsouthpartsoftheworld。Letnothingofallthesebehiddenfromthee。ThenfailnotmostcarefullytoperusethebooksoftheGreek，Arabian，andLatinphysicians，notdespisingtheTalmudistsandCabalists；andbyfrequentanatomiesgettheetheperfectknowledgeoftheotherworld，calledthemicrocosm，whichisman。AndatsomehoursofthedayapplythymindtothestudyoftheHolyScriptures；firstinGreek，theNewTestament，withtheEpistlesoftheApostles；andthentheOldTestamentinHebrew。Inbrief，letmeseetheeanabyssandbottomlesspitofknowledge；forfromhenceforward，asthougrowestgreatandbecomestaman，thoumustpartfromthistranquillityandrestofstudy，thoumustlearnchivalry，warfare，andtheexercisesofthefield，thebettertherebytodefendmyhouseandourfriends，andtosuccourandprotectthematalltheirneedsagainsttheinvasionandassaultsofevildoers。
Furthermore，Iwillthatveryshortlythoutryhowmuchthouhastprofited，whichthoucanstnotbetterdothanbymaintainingpubliclythesesandconclusionsinallartsagainstallpersonswhatsoever，andbyhauntingthecompanyoflearnedmen，bothatParisandotherwhere。Butbecause，asthewisemanSolomonsaith，Wisdomenterethnotintoamaliciousmind，andthatknowledgewithoutconscienceisbuttheruinofthesoul，itbehoveththeetoserve，tolove，tofearGod，andonhimtocastallthythoughtsandallthyhope，andbyfaithformedincharitytocleaveuntohim，sothatthoumaystneverbeseparatedfromhimbythysins。Suspecttheabusesoftheworld。Setnotthyheartuponvanity，forthislifeistransitory，buttheWordoftheLordendurethforever。Beserviceabletoallthyneighbours，andlovethemasthyself。Reverencethypreceptors:shuntheconversationofthosewhomthoudesirestnottoresemble，andreceivenotinvainthegraceswhichGodhathbestoweduponthee。And，whenthoushaltseethatthouhastattainedtoalltheknowledgethatistobeacquiredinthatpart，returnuntome，thatImayseetheeandgivetheemyblessingbeforeIdie。Myson，thepeaceandgraceofourLordbewiththee。Amen。
ThyfatherGargantua。
FromUtopiathe17thdayofthemonthofMarch。
Theselettersbeingreceivedandread，Pantagruelpluckeduphisheart，tookafreshcouragetohim，andwasinflamedwithadesiretoprofitinhisstudiesmorethanever，sothatifyouhadseenhim，howhetookpains，andhowheadvancedinlearning，youwouldhavesaidthatthevivacityofhisspiritamidstthebookswaslikeagreatfireamongstdrywood，soactiveitwas，vigorousandindefatigable。
Chapter2。IX。
HowPantagruelfoundPanurge，whomhelovedallhislifetime。
Oneday，asPantagruelwastakingawalkwithoutthecity，towardsSt。
Anthony\'sabbey，discoursingandphilosophatingwithhisownservantsandsomeotherscholars，hemetwithayoungmanofverycomelystatureandsurpassinghandsomeinallthelineamentsofhisbody，butinseveralpartsthereofmostpitifullywounded；insuchbadequipageinmatterofhisapparel，whichwasbuttattersandrags，andeverywaysofaroutoforderthatheseemedtohavebeena-fightingwithmastiff-dogs，fromwhosefuryhehadmadeanescape；ortosaybetter，helooked，intheconditionwhereinhethenwas，likeanapple-gathererofthecountryofPerche。
AsfaroffasPantagruelsawhim，hesaidtothosethatstoodby，Doyouseethatmanthere，whoisa-cominghitherupontheroadfromCharentonbridge？Bymyfaith，heisonlypoorinfortune；forImayassureyouthatbyhisphysiognomyitappeareththatnaturehathextractedhimfromsomerichandnoblerace，andthattoomuchcuriosityhaththrownhimuponadventureswhichpossiblyhavereducedhimtothisindigence，want，andpenury。Nowashewasjustamongstthem，Pantagruelsaiduntohim，Letmeentreatyou，friend，thatyoumaybepleasedtostopherealittleandanswermetothatwhichIshallaskyou，andIamconfidentyouwillnotthinkyourtimeillbestowed；forIhaveanextremedesire，accordingtomyability，togiveyousomesupplyinthisdistresswhereinIseeyouare；
becauseIdoverymuchcommiserateyourcase，whichtrulymovesmetogreatpity。Therefore，myfriend，tellmewhoyouare；whenceyoucome；whitheryougo；whatbydesire；andwhatyournameis。ThecompanionansweredhimintheGermanThefirsteditionreads\"Dutch。\"tongue，thus:
\'Junker，Gottgebeuchgluckundheil。Furwahr，lieberJunker，ichlaszeuchwissen，dasdaihrmichvonfragt，isteinarmunderbarmlichDing，undwervieldarvonzusagen，welcheseuchverdrussigzuhoren，undmirzuerzelenwer，wiewoldiePoetenundOratornvorzeitenhabengesagtinihrenSpruchenundSentenzen，daszdiegedechtnissdesElendsundArmuthvorlangsterlittenisteinegrosseLust。\'Myfriend，saidPantagruel，I
havenoskillinthatgibberishofyours；therefore，ifyouwouldhaveustounderstandyou，speaktousinsomeotherlanguage。Thendidthedrollanswerhimthus:
\'Albarildimgotfanodechminbrinalabodordiofalbrothringuamalbaras。
Ninportzadikinalmucatinmilkoprinalelminenthothdalhebenensouim；
kuthimaldumalkatimnimbrothdechothporthminmichaisimendoth，pruchdalmaisoulumholmothdanfrihimlupaldasinvoldemoth。Ninhurdiavosthmnarbotimdalgouschpalfrapinduchimscothpruchgalethdalchinon，minfoulchrichalconinbrutathendothdalprin。\'Doyouunderstandnoneofthis？saidPantagrueltothecompany。Ibelieve，saidEpistemon，thatthisisthelanguageoftheAntipodes，andsuchahardonethatthedevilhimselfknowsnotwhattomakeofit。ThensaidPantagruel，Gossip，Iknownotifthewallsdocomprehendthemeaningofyourwords，butnoneofusheredothsomuchasunderstandonesyllableofthem。Thensaidmybladeagain:
\'Signormio，voivedeteperessempio，chelacornamusanonsuonamai，s\'ellanonhailventrepieno。Cosiioparimentenonvisapreicontarelemiefortune，seprimailtribulatoventrenonhalasolitarefettione。Alqualeeadvisochelemanietlidentihabbianopersoilloroordinenaturaleetdeltuttoannichilati。\'TowhichEpistemonanswered，Asmuchoftheoneasoftheother，andnothingofeither。ThensaidPanurge:
\'Lord，ifyoubesovirtuousofintelligenceasyoubenaturallyrelievedtothebody，youshouldhavepityofme。Fornaturehathmadeusequal，butfortunehathsomeexaltedandothersdeprived；neverthelessisvirtueoftendeprivedandthevirtuousmendespised；forbeforethelastendnoneisgood。\'Thefollowingisthepassageasitstandsinthefirstedition。
UrquhartseemstohaverenderedRabelais\'indifferentEnglishintoworseScotch，andthis，withprobablytheuseofcontractionsinhisMS。，or\'theoddness\'ofhandwritingwhichheownstoinhisLogopandecteisionp。419，Mait。Club。Edit。，hasledtoachaoticjumble，whichitisnearlyimpossibletoreducetoorder——Insteadofanyattempttodoso，itisheregivenverbatim:\'Lardgestholbbesuavirtuisbeintelligence:assyibodyscalbisbenaturalrelothcholbsuldosmepetyhave；fornaturhassvisseequalymaidebotfortunesumexaitihesseandoyisdeprevit:nonyelessivissmouvirtiussdeprevit，andvirtuissmendecrevissforanenyeladenissnonquid。\'Hereisamorselforcriticalingenuitytofixitsteethin——M。Yetless，saidPantagruel。ThensaidmyjollyPanurge:
\'Jonaandieguaussagoussyetanbehardaerremediobehardeverselaysserlanda。Anbatesotoyyesnausueynessassustgourrayproposianordineden。Nonyssenabaytafacheriaegabegenherassybadiasadassunouraassia。Aranhondavangualdecydassunaydassuna。Estououssycegvinansouryhienerdarsturaeguyharm。Genicoaplasarvadu。\'Areyouthere，saidEudemon，Genicoa？TothissaidCarpalim，St。Trinian\'srammerunstitchyourbum，forIhadalmostunderstoodit。ThenansweredPanurge:
\'PrustfrestfrinstsorgdmandstrochdidrhdspagbrlelangGravotChavignyPomardiererusthpkaldracgDevinierepresNays。Couillekalmuchmonachdruppdelmeupplistrincqdrlnddodelbupdrentlochmincstzrinqjalddevinsderscordelisburjocststzampenards。\'DoyouspeakChristian，saidEpistemon，orthebuffoonlanguage，otherwisecalledPatelinois？Nay，itisthepuzlatorytongue，saidanother，whichsomecallLanternois。ThensaidPanurge:
\'Heere，ikenspreekeandersgeentaeledankerstentaele:mydunktnoghtans，alensegikunieteenwordt，mynennootverklaertgenoeghwatikbegeere:geeftmyuytbermhertigheityetswaarvanikgevoetmaghzyn。\'
TowhichansweredPantagruel，Asmuchofthat。ThensaidPanurge:
\'Sennor，detantohablaryosoycansado，porqueyosuplicoavuestrareverentiaquemirealospreceptosevangelicos，paraqueellosmovanvuestrareverentiaaloqueesdeconscientia；ysiellosnonbastaren，paramouervuestrareverentiaapiedad，yosuplicoquemirealapiedadnatural，laqualyocreoquelemoveracomoesderazon:yconessonondigomas。\'Truly，myfriend，saidPantagruel，Idoubtnotbutyoucanspeakdiverslanguages；buttellusthatwhichyouwouldhaveustodoforyouinsometonguewhichyouconceivewemayunderstand。Thensaidthecompanion:
\'MinHerre，endogiegmedingentungetalede，ligesombaern，ocuskelligecreatuure:Mineklaedebonocmitlegomsmagerheduduiseralligeuelklarlighuadtingmigbestbehofgioris，somersandeligmadocdricke:Huorforforbarmedigofuermig，ocbefalatgiuemignoguet，afhuilcketiegkandslyremingiaeendismage，ligeruiissommandCerberoensuppeforsetter:
Saaskaltdulefuelaengeoclycksalig。\'Ithinkreally，saidEusthenes，thattheGothsspokethusofold，andthat，ifitpleasedGod，wewouldallofusspeaksowithourtails。ThenagainsaidPanurge:
\'Adon，scalomlecha:imischarharobhalhebdecabimeherahthithenlikikarlehem:chanchatublaahalAdonaichonenral。\'TowhichansweredEpistemon，AtthistimehaveIunderstoodhimverywell；foritistheHebrewtonguemostrhetoricallypronounced。Thenagainsaidthegallant:
\'Despotatinynpanagathe，diatisymioukartodotis？horasgarlimoanaliscomenonemeathlion，keentometaxymeoukeleisoudamos，zetisdeparemouhaouchre。Kehomosphilologipanteshomologousitotelogoustekeremataperittahyparchin，hopotepragmaaftopasidelonesti。Enthagaranankeimononlogiisin，hinapragmatahonperiamphisbetoumen，meprosphorosepiphenete。\'What？SaidCarpalim，Pantagruel\'sfootman，ItisGreek，Ihaveunderstoodhim。Andhow？hastthoudweltanywhileinGreece？Thensaidthedrollagain:
\'Agonoudontoussysvousdesdagnezalgorou:noudenfarouzamistvousmaristonulbrou，fousquesvoubroltantbredaguezmoupretondengoulhoust，daguezdagueznoncropysfostpardonnoflistnougrou。Agoupastontolnalprissyshourtoulosechatonous，proudhouquysbrolpanygoudenbascrounoudouscaguonsgoulfrengouloustaroppassou。\'InthisandtheprecedingspeechesofPanurge，theParisVariorumEditionof1823hasbeenfollowedincorrectingUrquhart\'stext，whichisfullofinaccuracies——M。
MethinksIunderstandhim，saidPantagruel；foreitheritisthelanguageofmycountryofUtopia，orsoundsverylikeit。And，ashewasabouttohavebegunsomepurpose，thecompanionsaid:
\'Jamtotiesvospersacra，perquedeosdeasqueomnesobtestatussum，utsiquaevospietaspermovet，egestatemmeamsolaremini，nechilumproficioclamansetejulans。Sinite，quaeso，sinite，viriimpii，quomefatavocantabire；necultravanisvestrisinterpellationibusobtundatis，memoresveterisilliusadagii，quoventerfamelicusauriculiscareredicitur。\'
Well，myfriend，saidPantagruel，butcannotyouspeakFrench？ThatIcando，sir，verywell，saidthecompanion，Godbethanked。Itismynaturallanguageandmothertongue，forIwasbornandbredinmyyoungeryearsinthegardenofFrance，towit，Touraine。Then，saidPantagruel，telluswhatisyourname，andfromwhenceyouarecome；for，bymyfaith，Ihavealreadystampedinmymindsuchadeepimpressionoflovetowardsyou，that，ifyouwillcondescenduntomywill，youshallnotdepartoutofmycompany，andyouandIshallmakeupanothercoupleoffriendssuchasAeneasandAchateswere。Sir，saidthecompanion，mytrueandproperChristiannameisPanurge，andnowIcomeoutofTurkey，towhichcountryI
wascarriedawayprisoneratthattimewhentheywenttoMetelinwithamischief。AndwillinglywouldIrelateuntoyoumyfortunes，whicharemorewonderfulthanthoseofUlysseswere；but，seeingthatitpleasethyoutoretainmewithyou，Imostheartilyacceptoftheoffer，protestingnevertoleaveyoushouldyougotoallthedevilsinhell。Weshallhavethereforemoreleisureatanothertime，andafitteropportunitywhereintoreportthem；foratthispresentIaminaveryurgentnecessitytofeed；
myteetharesharp，mybellyempty，mythroatdry，andmystomachfierceandburning，allisready。Ifyouwillbutsetmetowork，itwillbeasgoodasabalsamumforsoreeyestoseemegulchandravenit。ForGod\'ssake，giveorderforit。ThenPantagruelcommandedthattheyshouldcarryhimhomeandprovidehimgoodstoreofvictuals；whichbeingdone，heateverywellthatevening，and，capon-like，wentearlytobed；thensleptuntildinner-timethenextday，sothathemadebutthreestepsandoneleapfromthebedtotheboard。
Chapter2。X。
HowPantagrueljudgedsoequitablyofacontroversy，whichwaswonderfullyobscureanddifficult，that，byreasonofhisjustdecreetherein，hewasreputedtohaveamostadmirablejudgment。
Pantagruel，verywellrememberinghisfather\'sletterandadmonitions，wouldonedaymaketrialofhisknowledge。Thereupon，inallthecarrefours，thatis，throughoutallthefourquarters，streets，andcornersofthecity，hesetupconclusionstothenumberofninethousandsevenhundredsixtyandfour，inallmanneroflearning，touchinginthemthehardestdoubtsthatareinanyscience。Andfirstofall，intheFodderStreethehelddisputeagainstalltheregentsorfellowsofcolleges，artistsormastersofarts，andorators，anddidsogallantlythatheoverthrewthemandsetthemallupontheirtails。HewentafterwardstotheSorbonne，wherehemaintainedargumentagainstallthetheologiansordivines，forthespaceofsixweeks，fromfouro\'clockinthemorninguntilsixintheevening，exceptanintervaloftwohourstorefreshthemselvesandtaketheirrepast。Andatthiswerepresentthegreatestpartofthelordsofthecourt，themastersofrequests，presidents，counsellors，thoseoftheaccompts，secretaries，advocates，andothers；asalsothesheriffsofthesaidtown，withthephysiciansandprofessorsofthecanonlaw。
Amongstwhich，itistoberemarked，thatthegreatestpartwerestubbornjades，andintheiropinionsobstinate；buthetooksuchcoursewiththemthat，foralltheirergoesandfallacies，heputtheirbackstothewall，gravelledtheminthedeepestquestions，andmadeitvisiblyappeartotheworldthat，comparedtohim，theywerebutmonkeysandaknotofmuffledcalves。Whereuponeverybodybegantokeepabustlingnoiseandtalkofhissomarvellousknowledge，throughalldegreesofpersonsofbothsexes，eventotheverylaundresses，brokers，roast-meatsellers，penknifemakers，andothers，who，whenhepassedalonginthestreet，wouldsay，Thisishe！inwhichhetookdelight，asDemosthenes，theprinceofGreekorators，did，whenanoldcrouchingwife，pointingathimwithherfingers，said，Thatistheman。
Nowatthissameverytimetherewasaprocessorsuitinlawdependingincourtbetweentwogreatlords，ofwhichonewascalledmyLordKissbreech，plaintiffofoneside，andtheothermyLordSuckfist，defendantoftheother；whosecontroversywassohighanddifficultinlawthatthecourtofparliamentcouldmakenothingofit。Andtherefore，bythecommandmentoftheking，therewereassembledfourofthegreatestandmostlearnedofalltheparliamentsofFrance，togetherwiththegreatcouncil，andalltheprincipalregentsoftheuniversities，notonlyofFrance，butofEnglandalsoandItaly，suchasJason，PhilippusDecius，PetrusdePetronibus，andarabbleofotheroldRabbinists。Whobeingthusmettogether，aftertheyhadthereuponconsultedforthespaceofsix-and-fortyweeks，findingthattheycouldnotfastentheirteethinit，norwithsuchclearnessunderstandthecaseasthattheymightinanymannerofwaybeabletorightit，ortakeupthedifferencebetwixtthetwoaforesaidparties，itdidsogrievouslyvexthemthattheymostvillainouslyconshitthemselvesforshame。Inthisgreatextremityoneamongstthem，namedDuDouhet，thelearnedestofall，andmoreexpertandprudentthananyoftherest，whilstonedaytheywerethusattheirwits\'end，all-to-be-duncedandphilogrobolizedintheirbrains，saiduntothem，Wehavebeenhere，mymasters，agoodlongspace，withoutdoinganythingelsethantrifleawaybothourtimeandmoney，andcanneverthelessfindneitherbrimnorbottominthismatter，forthemorewestudyaboutitthelessweunderstandtherein，whichisagreatshameanddisgracetous，andaheavyburdentoourconsciences；yea，suchthatinmyopinionweshallnotridourselvesofitwithoutdishonour，unlesswetakesomeothercourse；forwedonothingbutdoteinourconsultations。
See，therefore，whatIhavethoughtupon。YouhaveheardmuchtalkingofthatworthypersonagenamedMasterPantagruel，whohathbeenfoundtobelearnedabovethecapacityofthispresentage，bytheproofshegaveinthosegreatdisputationswhichheheldpubliclyagainstallmen。Myopinionis，thatwesendforhimtoconferwithhimaboutthisbusiness；
forneveranymanwillencompassthebringingofittoanendifhedoitnot。
Hereuntoallthecounsellorsanddoctorswillinglyagreed，andaccordingtothattheirresulthavinginstantlysentforhim，theyentreatedhimtobepleasedtocanvasstheprocessandsiftitthoroughly，that，afteradeepsearchandnarrowexaminationofallthepointsthereof，hemightforthwithmakethereportuntothemsuchasheshallthinkgoodintrueandlegallanguage。Tothiseffecttheydeliveredintohishandsthebagswhereinwerethewritsandpancartsconcerningthatsuit，whichforbulkandweightwerealmostenoughtoladefourgreatcouillardorstonedasses。ButPantagruelsaiduntothem，Arethetwolordsbetweenwhomthisdebateandprocessisyetliving？Itwasansweredhim，Yes。Towhatadevil，then，saidhe，servesomanypaltryheapsandbundlesofpapersandcopieswhichyougiveme？Isitnotbettertoheartheircontroversyfromtheirownmouthswhilsttheyarefacetofacebeforeus，thantoreadthesevilefopperies，whicharenothingbuttrumperies，deceits，diabolicalcozenagesofCepola，perniciousslightsandsubversionsofequity？ForIamsurethatyou，andallthosethroughwhosehandsthisprocesshaspassed，havebyyourdevicesaddedwhatyoucouldtoitproetcontrainsuchsortthat，althoughtheirdifferenceperhapswasclearandeasyenoughtodetermineatfirst，youhaveobscureditandmadeitmoreintricatebythefrivolous，sottish，unreasonable，andfoolishreasonsandopinionsofAccursius，Baldus，Bartolus，deCastro，deImola，Hippolytus，Panormo，Bertachin，Alexander，Curtius，andthoseotheroldmastiffs，whoneverunderstoodtheleastlawofthePandects，theybeingbutmereblockheadsandgreattithecalves，ignorantofallthatwhichwasneedfulfortheunderstandingofthelaws；for，asitismostcertain，theyhadnottheknowledgeeitheroftheGreekorLatintongue，butonlyoftheGothicandbarbarian。Thelaws，nevertheless，werefirsttakenfromtheGreeks，accordingtothetestimonyofUlpian，L。poster。deoriginejuris，whichwelikewisemayperceivebythatallthelawsarefullofGreekwordsandsentences。AndthenwefindthattheyarereducedintoaLatinstylethemostelegantandornatethatwholelanguageisabletoafford，withoutexceptingthatofanythateverwrotetherein，nay，notofSallust，Varro，Cicero，Seneca，TitusLivius，norQuintilian。HowthencouldtheseolddotardsbeabletounderstandarightthetextofthelawswhoneverintheirtimehadlookeduponagoodLatinbook，asdothevidentlyenoughappearbytherudenessoftheirstyle，whichisfitterforachimney-sweeper，orforacookorascullion，thanforajurisconsultanddoctorinthelaws？
Furthermore，seeingthelawsareexcerptedoutofthemiddleofmoralandnaturalphilosophy，howshouldthesefoolshaveunderstoodit，thathave，byG——，studiedlessinphilosophythanmymule？Inrespectofhumanlearningandtheknowledgeofantiquitiesandhistorytheyweretrulyladenwiththosefacultiesasatoadiswithfeathers。Andyetofallthisthelawsaresofullthatwithoutittheycannotbeunderstood，asIintendmorefullytoshowuntoyouinapeculiartreatisewhichonthatpurposeI
amabouttopublish。Therefore，ifyouwillthatItakeanymeddlinginthisprocess，firstcauseallthesepaperstobeburnt；secondly，makethetwogentlemencomepersonallybeforeme，andafterwards，whenIshallhaveheardthem，Iwilltellyoumyopinionfreelywithoutanyfeignednessordissimulationwhatsoever。
Someamongstthemdidcontradictthismotion，asyouknowthatinallcompaniestherearemorefoolsthanwisemen，andthatthegreaterpartalwayssurmountsthebetter，assaithTitusLiviusinspeakingoftheCarthaginians。ButtheforesaidDuDouhetheldthecontraryopinion，maintainingthatPantagruelhadsaidwell，andwhatwasright，inaffirmingthattheserecords，billsofinquest，replies，rejoinders，exceptions，depositions，andothersuchdiableriesoftruth-entanglingwrits，werebutengineswherewithtooverthrowjusticeandunnecessarilytoprolongsuchsuitsasdiddependbeforethem；andthat，therefore，thedevilwouldcarrythemallawaytohelliftheydidnottakeanothercourseandproceedednotintimescomingaccordingtotheprescriptsofevangelicalandphilosophicalequity。Infine，allthepaperswereburnt，andthetwogentlemensummonedandpersonallyconvented。AtwhoseappearancebeforethecourtPantagruelsaiduntothem，Areyoutheythathavethisgreatdifferencebetwixtyou？Yes，mylord，saidthey。Whichofyou，saidPantagruel，istheplaintiff？ItisI，saidmyLordKissbreech。Goto，then，myfriend，saidhe，andrelateyourmatteruntomefrompointtopoint，accordingtotherealtruth，orelse，bycock\'sbody，ifIfindyoutoliesomuchasinoneword，Iwillmakeyoushorterbythehead，andtakeitfromoffyourshoulderstoshowothersbyyourexamplethatinjusticeandjudgmentmenoughttospeaknothingbutthetruth。Thereforetakeheedyoudonotaddnorimpairanythinginthenarrationofyourcase。
Begin。
Chapter2。XI。
HowtheLordsofKissbreechandSuckfistdidpleadbeforePantagruelwithoutanattorney。
ThenbeganKissbreechinmannerasfolloweth。Mylord，itistruethatagoodwomanofmyhousecarriedeggstothemarkettosell。Becovered，Kissbreech，saidPantagruel。Thankstoyou，mylord，saidtheLordKissbreech；buttothepurpose。Therepassedbetwixtthetwotropicsthesumofthreepencetowardsthezenithandahalfpenny，forasmuchastheRiphaeanmountainshadbeenthatyearoppressedwithagreatsterilityofcounterfeitgudgeonsandshowswithoutsubstance，bymeansofthebabblingtattleandfondfibsseditiouslyraisedbetweenthegibblegabblersandAccursiangibberish-mongersfortherebellionoftheSwitzers，whohadassembledthemselvestothefullnumberofthebumbeesandmyrmidonstogoa-handsel-gettingonthefirstdayofthenewyear，atthatverytimewhentheygivebrewistotheoxenanddeliverthekeyofthecoalstothecountry-girlsforservinginoftheoatstothedogs。Allthenightlongtheydidnothingelse，keepingtheirhandsstilluponthepot，butdespatch，bothonfootandhorseback，leaden-sealedwritsorletters，towit，papalcommissionscommonlycalledbulls，tostoptheboats；forthetailorsandseamsterswouldhavemadeofthestolenshredsandclippingsagoodlysagbuttocoverthefaceoftheocean，whichthenwasgreatwithchildofapotfulofcabbage，accordingtotheopinionofthehay-bundle-
makers。Butthephysicianssaidthatbytheurinetheycoulddiscernnomanifestsignofthebustard\'space，norhowtoeatdouble-tonguedmattockswithmustard，unlessthelordsandgentlemenofthecourtshouldbepleasedtogivebyB。molexpresscommandtothepoxnottorunaboutanylongeringleaningupofcoppersmithsandtinkers；forthejobbernollshadalreadyaprettygoodbeginningintheirdanceoftheBritishjigcalledtheestrindore，toaperfectdiapason，withonefootinthefire，andtheirheadinthemiddle，asgoodmanRagotwaswonttosay。
Ha，mymasters，Godmoderatesallthings，anddisposethofthemathispleasure，sothatagainstunluckyfortuneacarterbrokehisfriskingwhip，whichwasallthewind-instrumenthehad。Thiswasdoneathisreturnfromthelittlepaltrytown，eventhenwhenMasterAntitusofCressplotswaslicentiated，andhadpassedhisdegreesinalldulleryandblockishness，accordingtothissentenceofthecanonists，BeatiDunces，quoniamipsistumblaverunt。ButthatwhichmakesLenttobesohigh，bySt。FiacreofBry，isfornothingelsebutthatthePentecostnevercomesbuttomycost；
yet，onaforethere，ho！alittlerainstillsagreatwind，andwemustthinkso，seeingthatthesergeanthathpropoundedthemattersofarabovemyreach，thattheclerksandsecondariescouldnotwiththebenefitthereoflicktheirfingers，featheredwithganders，soorbicularlyastheywerewontinotherthingstodo。Andwedomanifestlyseethateveryoneacknowledgethhimselftobeintheerrorwherewithanotherhathbeencharged，reservingonlythosecaseswherebyweareobligedtotakeanocularinspectioninaperspectiveglassofthesethingstowardstheplaceinthechimneywherehangeththesignofthewineoffortygirths，whichhavebeenalwaysaccountedverynecessaryforthenumberoftwentypannelsandpack-saddlesofthebankruptprotectionariesoffiveyears\'respite。
Howsoever，atleast，hethatwouldnotletflythefowlbeforethecheesecakesoughtinlawtohavediscoveredhisreasonwhynot，forthememoryisoftenlostwithawaywardshoeing。Well，GodkeepTheobaldMitainfromalldanger！ThensaidPantagruel，Holdthere！Ho，myfriend，softandfair，speakatleisureandsoberlywithoutputtingyourselfincholer。Iunderstandandcase，——goon。Nowthen，mylord，saidKissbreech，theforesaidgoodwomansayinghergaudezandaudinos，couldnotcoverherselfwithatreacherousbackblow，ascendingbythewoundsandpassionsoftheprivilegesoftheuniversities，unlessbythevirtueofawarming-panshehadangelicallyfomentedeverypartofherbodyincoveringthemwithahedgeofgarden-beds；thengivinginaswiftunavoidablethirstthrustveryneartotheplacewheretheyselltheoldragswhereofthepaintersofFlandersmakegreatusewhentheyareaboutneatlytoclaponshoesongrasshoppers，locusts，cigals，andsuchlikefly-fowls，sostrangetousthatIamwonderfullyastonishedwhytheworlddothnotlay，seeingitissogoodtohatch。
HeretheLordofSuckfistwouldhaveinterruptedhimandspokensomewhat，whereuponPantagruelsaiduntohim，St！bySt。Anthony\'sbelly，dothitbecometheetospeakwithoutcommand？IsweatherewiththeextremityoflabourandexceedingtoilItaketounderstandtheproceedingofyourmutualdifference，andyetthoucomesttotroubleanddisquietme。Peace，inthedevil\'sname，peace。Thoushaltbepermittedtospeakthybellyfulwhenthismanhathdone，andnosooner。Goon，saidhetoKissbreech；
speakcalmly，anddonotoverheatyourselfwithtoomuchhaste。
Iperceiving，then，saidKissbreech，thatthePragmaticalSanctiondidmakenomentionofit，andthattheholyPopetoeveryonegavelibertytofartathisownease，ifthattheblanketshadnostreakswhereintheliarsweretobecrossedwitharuffian-likecrew，and，therainbowbeingnewlysharpenedatMilantobringforthlarks，gavehisfullconsentthatthegoodwomanshouldtreaddowntheheelofthehip-gutpangs，byvirtueofasolemnprotestationputinbythelittletesticulatedorcodstedfishes，which，totellthetruth，wereatthattimeverynecessaryforunderstandingthesyntaxandconstructionofoldboots。ThereforeJohnCalf，hercousingervaisonceremovedwithalogfromthewoodstack，veryseriouslyadvisedhernottoputherselfintothehazardofquagswagginginthelee，tobescouredwithabuckoflinenclothestillfirstshehadkindledthepaper。Thiscounselshelaidholdon，becausehedesiredhertotakenothingandthrowout，forNondepontevadit，quicumsapientiacadit。Mattersthusstanding，seeingthemastersofthechamberofaccomptsormembersofthatcommitteedidnotfullyagreeamongstthemselvesincastingupthenumberoftheAlmanywhistles，whereofwereframedthosespectaclesforprinceswhichhavebeenlatelyprintedatAntwerp，Imustneedsthinkthatitmakesabadreturnofthewrit，andthattheadversepartyisnottobebelieved，insacerverbodotis。Forthat，havingagreatdesiretoobeythepleasureoftheking，Iarmedmyselffromtoetotopwithbellyfurniture，ofthesolesofgoodvenison-
pasties，togoseehowmygrape-gatherersandvintagershadpinkedandcutfullofsmallholestheirhigh-copedcaps，tolecheritthebetter，andplayatinandin。Andindeedthetimewasverydangerousincomingfromthefair，insofarthatmanytrainedbowmenwerecastatthemusterandquiterejected，althoughthechimney-topswerehighenough，accordingtotheproportionofthewindgallsinthelegsofhorses，orofthemalanders，whichintheesteemofexpertfarriersisnobetterdisease，orelsethestoryofRonypatifamorLamibaudichon，interpretedbysometobethetaleofatuborofaroastedhorse，savoursofapocrypha，andisnotanauthentichistory。Andbythismeanstherewasthatyeargreatabundance，throughoutallthecountryofArtois，oftawnybuzzingbeetles，tothenosmallprofitofthegentlemen-great-stick-faggot-carriers，whentheydideatwithoutdisdainingthecocklicranes，tilltheirbellywasliketocrackwithitagain。Asformyownpart，suchismyChristiancharitytowardsmyneighbours，thatIcouldwishfrommyhearteveryonehadasgoodavoice；
itwouldmakeusplaythebetteratthetennisandtheballoon。Andtruly，mylord，toexpresstherealtruthwithoutdissimulation，IcannotbutsaythatthosepettysubtledeviceswhicharefoundoutintheetymologizingofpattenswoulddescendmoreeasilyintotheriverofSeine，toserveforeveratthemillers\'bridgeuponthesaidwater，asitwasheretoforedecreedbythekingoftheCanarians，accordingtothesentenceorjudgmentgiventhereupon，whichistobeseenintheregistryandrecordswithintheclerk\'sofficeofthishouse。
And，therefore，mylord，Idomosthumblyrequire，thatbyyourlordshiptheremaybesaidanddeclareduponthecasewhatisreasonable，withcosts，damages，andinterests。ThensaidPantagruel，Myfriend，isthisallyouhavetosay？Kissbreechanswered，Yes，mylord，forIhavetoldallthetuautem，andhavenotvariedatalluponminehonourinsomuchasonesingleword。Youthen，saidPantagruel，myLordofSuckfist，saywhatyouwill，andbebrief，withoutomitting，nevertheless，anythingthatmayservetothepurpose。
Chapter2。XII。
HowtheLordofSuckfistpleadedbeforePantagruel。
ThenbegantheLordSuckfistinmannerasfolloweth。Mylord，andyoumymasters，iftheiniquityofmenwereaseasilyseenincategoricaljudgmentaswecandiscernfliesinamilkpot，theworld\'sfouroxenhadnotbeensoeatenupwithrats，norhadsomanyearsupontheearthbeennibbledawaysoscurvily。Foralthoughallthatmyadversaryhathspokenbeofaverysoftanddownytruth，insomuchasconcernstheletterandhistoryofthefactum，yetneverthelessthecraftyslights，cunningsubtleties，slycozenages，andlittletroublingentanglementsarehidundertherosepot，thecommoncloakandcoverofallfraudulentdeceits。
ShouldIendurethat，whenIameatingmypottageequalwiththebest，andthatwithouteitherthinkingorspeakinganymannerofill，theyrudelycometovex，trouble，andperplexmybrainswiththatantiqueproverbwhichsaith，Whoinhispottage-eatingdrinkswillnot，Whenheisdeadandburied，seeonejot。
And，goodlady，howmanygreatcaptainshaveweseeninthedayofbattle，wheninopenfieldthesacramentwasdistributedinluncheonsofthesanctifiedbreadoftheconfraternity，themorehonestlytonodtheirheads，playonthelute，andcrackwiththeirtails，tomakeprettylittleplatformleapsinkeepinglevelbytheground？ButnowtheworldisunshackledfromthecornersofthepacksofLeicester。Onefliesoutlewdlyandbecomesdebauched；another，likewise，five，four，andtwo，andthatatsuchrandomthat，ifthecourttakenotsomecoursetherein，itwillmakeasbadaseasoninmatterofgleaningthisyearaseveritmade，oritwillmakegoblets。Ifanypoorcreaturegotothestovestoilluminatehismuzzlewithacowsherdortobuywinter-boots，andthatthesergeantspassingby，orthoseofthewatch，happentoreceivethedecoctionofaclysterorthefecalmatterofaclose-stoolupontheirrustling-wrangling-clutter-keepingmasterships，shouldanybecauseofthatmakeboldtocliptheshillingsandtestersandfrythewoodendishes？
Sometimes，whenwethinkonething，Goddoesanother；andwhenthesuniswhollysetallbeastsareintheshade。Letmeneverbebelievedagain，ifIdonotgallantlyproveitbyseveralpeoplewhohaveseenthelightoftheday。
Intheyearthirtyandsix，buyingaDutchcurtail，whichwasamiddle-
sizedhorse，bothhighandshort，ofawoolgoodenoughanddyedingrain，asthegoldsmithsassuredme，althoughthenotaryputan&c。init，ItoldreallythatIwasnotaclerkofsomuchlearningastosnatchatthemoonwithmyteeth；but，asforthebutter-firkinwhereVulcaniandeedsandevidencesweresealed，therumourwas，andthereportthereofwentcurrent，thatsalt-beefwillmakeonefindthewaytothewinewithoutacandle，thoughitwerehidinthebottomofacollier\'ssack，andthatwithhisdrawersonheweremountedonabarbedhorsefurnishedwithafronstal，andsucharms，thighs，andleg-piecesasarerequisiteforthewellfryingandbroilingofaswaggeringsauciness。Hereisasheep\'shead，anditiswelltheymakeaproverbofthis，thatitisgoodtoseeblackcowsinburntwoodwhenoneattainstotheenjoymentofhislove。Ihadaconsultationuponthispointwithmymasterstheclerks，whoforresolutionconcludedinfrisesomorumthatthereisnothingliketomowinginthesummer，andsweepingcleanawayinwater，wellgarnishedwithpaper，ink，pens，andpenknives，ofLyonsupontheriverofRhone，dolopymdolopof，tarabintarabas，tut，prut，pish；for，incontinentlyafterthatarmourbeginstosmellofgarlic，therustwillgoneartoeattheliver，notofhimthatwearsit，andthendotheynothingelsebutwithstandothers\'courses，andwryneckedlysetuptheirbristles\'gainstoneanother，inlightlypassingovertheirafternoon\'ssleep，andthisisthatwhichmakethsaltsodear。
Mylords，believenotwhenthesaidgoodwomanhadwithbirdlimecaughttheshovelerfowl，thebetterbeforeasergeant\'switnesstodelivertheyoungerson\'sportiontohim，thatthesheep\'spluckorhog\'shasletdiddodgeandshrinkbackintheusurers\'purses，orthattherecouldbeanythingbettertopreserveonefromthecannibalsthantotakearopeofonions，knitwiththreehundredturnips，andalittleofacalf\'schaldernofthebestallaythatthealchemistshaveprovided，andthattheydaubanddooverwithclay，asalsocalcinateandburntodustthesepantoufles，muffinmuffout，mouflinmouflard，withthefinesauceofthejuiceoftherabblerout，whilsttheyhidethemselvesinsomepettymouldwarphole，savingalwaysthelittleslicesofbacon。Now，ifthedicewillnotfavouryouwithanyotherthrowbutambes-aceandthechanceofthreeatthegreatend，markwelltheace，thentakemeyourdame，settleherinacornerofthebed，andwhiskmeherupdrilletrille，there，there，tourelouralala；
whichwhenyouhavedone，takeaheartydraughtofthebest，despicandogrenovillibus，indespiteofthefrogs，whosefaircoarsebebuskinedstockingsshallbesetapartforthelittlegreengeeseormewedgoslings，which，fattenedinacoop，takedelighttosportthemselvesatthewagtailgame，waitingforthebeatingofthemetalandheatingofthewaxbytheslaveringdrivellersofconsolation。
Verytrueitis，thatthefouroxenwhichareindebate，andwhereofmentionwasmade，weresomewhatshortinmemory。Nevertheless，tounderstandthegamearight，theyfearedneitherthecormorantnormallardofSavoy，whichputthegoodpeopleofmycountryingreathopethattheirchildrensometimeshouldbecomeveryskilfulinalgorism。Thereforeisit，thatbyalawrubricandspecialsentencethereof，thatwecannotfailtotakethewolfifwemakeourhedgeshigherthanthewindmill，whereofsomewhatwasspokenbytheplaintiff。Butthegreatdevildidenvyit，andbythatmeansputtheHighDutchesfarbehind，whoplayedthedevilsinswillingdownandtipplingatthegoodliquor，trink，meinherr，trink，trink，bytwoofmytable-meninthecorner-pointIhavegainedthelurch。
Foritisnotprobable，noristhereanyappearanceoftruthinthissaying，thatatParisuponalittlebridgethehenisproportionable，andweretheyascoppedandhigh-crestedasmarshwhoops，ifveritablytheydidnotsacrificetheprinter\'spumpet-ballsatMoreb，withanewedgesetuponthembytextlettersorthoseofaswift-writinghand，itisallonetome，sothattheheadbandofthebookbreednotmothsorwormsinit。Andputthecasethat，atthecouplingtogetherofthebuckhounds，thelittlepuppiesshallhavewaxedproudbeforethenotarycouldhavegivenanaccountoftheservingofhiswritbythecabalisticart，itwillnecessarilyfollow，undercorrectionofthebetterjudgmentofthecourt，thatsixacresofmeadowgroundofthegreatestbreadthwillmakethreebuttsoffineink，withoutpayingreadymoney；consideringthat，atthefuneralofKingCharles，wemighthavehadthefathominopenmarketforoneortwo，thatis，deuceace。ThisImayaffirmwithasafeconscience，uponmyoathofwool。
AndIseeordinarilyinallgoodbagpipes，that，whentheygotothecounterfeitingofthechirpingofsmallbirds，byswingingabroomthreetimesaboutachimney，andputtinghisnameuponrecord，theydonothingbutbendacrossbowbackwards，andwindahorn，ifperhapsitbetoohot，andthat，bymakingitfasttoaropehewastodraw，immediatelyafterthesightoftheletters，thecowswererestoredtohim。Suchanothersentenceafterthehomeliestmannerwaspronouncedintheseventeenthyear，becauseofthebadgovernmentofLouzefougarouse，whereuntoitmaypleasethecourttohaveregard。Idesiretoberightlyunderstood；fortruly，Isaynotbutthatinallequity，andwithanuprightconscience，thosemayverywellbedispossessedwhodrinkholywaterasonewoulddoaweaver\'sshuttle，whereofsuppositoriesaremadetothosethatwillnotresign，butonthetermsofellandtellandgivingofonethingforanother。Tunc，mylords，quidjurisprominoribus？ForthecommoncustomoftheSaliclawissuch，thatthefirstincendiaryorfirebrandofseditionthatflaysthecowandwipeshisnoseinafullconcertofmusicwithoutblowinginthecobbler\'sstitches，shouldinthetimeofthenightmaresublimatethepenuryofhismemberbymossgatheredwhenpeopleareliketofounderthemselvesatthemessatmidnight，togivetheestrapadetothesewhitewinesofAnjouthatdothefearoftheleginliftingitbyhorsemencalledthegambetta，andthatnecktoneckafterthefashionofBrittany，concludingasbeforewithcosts，damages，andinterests。
AfterthattheLordofSuckfisthadended，PantagruelsaidtotheLordofKissbreech，Myfriend，haveyouamindtomakeanyreplytowhatissaid？
No，mylord，answeredKissbreech；forIhavespokeallIintended，andnothingbutthetruth。Therefore，putanendforGod\'ssaketoourdifference，forwearehereatgreatcharge。