Chapter1。XIII。
HowGargantua\'swonderfulunderstandingbecameknowntohisfatherGrangousier，bytheinventionofatorcheculorwipebreech。
Abouttheendofthefifthyear，GrangousierreturningfromtheconquestoftheCanarians，wentbythewaytoseehissonGargantua。Therewashefilledwithjoy，assuchafathermightbeatthesightofsuchachildofhis:andwhilsthekissedandembracedhim，heaskedmanychildishquestionsofhimaboutdiversmatters，anddrankveryfreelywithhimandwithhisgovernesses，ofwhomingreatearnestheasked，amongstotherthings，whethertheyhadbeencarefultokeephimcleanandsweet。TothisGargantuaanswered，thathehadtakensuchacourseforthathimself，thatinallthecountrytherewasnottobefoundacleanlierboythanhe。Howisthat？saidGrangousier。Ihave，answeredGargantua，byalongandcuriousexperience，foundoutameanstowipemybum，themostlordly，themostexcellent，andthemostconvenientthateverwasseen。Whatisthat？
saidGrangousier，howisit？Iwilltellyouby-and-by，saidGargantua。
OnceIdidwipemewithagentle-woman\'svelvetmask，andfoundittobegood；forthesoftnessofthesilkwasveryvoluptuousandpleasanttomyfundament。Anothertimewithoneoftheirhoods，andinlikemannerthatwascomfortable。Atanothertimewithalady\'sneckerchief，andafterthatIwipedmewithsomeear-piecesofhersmadeofcrimsonsatin，buttherewassuchanumberofgoldenspanglesinthemturdyroundthings，apoxtakethemthattheyfetchedawayalltheskinofmytailwithavengeance。
NowIwishSt。Antony\'sfireburnthebum-gutofthegoldsmiththatmadethem，andofherthatworethem！ThishurtIcuredbywipingmyselfwithapage\'scap，garnishedwithafeatheraftertheSwitzers\'fashion。
Afterwards，indungingbehindabush，IfoundaMarch-cat，andwithitI
wipedmybreech，butherclawsweresosharpthattheyscratchedandexulceratedallmyperinee。OfthisIrecoveredthenextmorningthereafter，bywipingmyselfwithmymother\'sgloves，ofamostexcellentperfumeandscentoftheArabianBenin。AfterthatIwipedmewithsage，withfennel，withanet，withmarjoram，withroses，withgourd-leaves，withbeets，withcolewort，withleavesofthevine-tree，withmallows，wool-
blade，whichisatail-scarlet，withlettuce，andwithspinachleaves。Allthisdidverygreatgoodtomyleg。Thenwithmercury，withparsley，withnettles，withcomfrey，butthatgavemethebloodyfluxofLombardy，whichIhealedbywipingmewithmybraguette。ThenIwipedmytailinthesheets，inthecoverlet，inthecurtains，withacushion，witharrashangings，withagreencarpet，withatable-cloth，withanapkin，withahandkerchief，withacombing-cloth；inallwhichIfoundmorepleasurethandothemangydogswhenyourubthem。Yea，but，saidGrangousier，whichtorcheculdidyoufindtobethebest？Iwascomingtoit，saidGargantua，andby-and-byshallyouhearthetuautem，andknowthewholemysteryandknotofthematter。Iwipedmyselfwithhay，withstraw，withthatch-
rushes，withflax，withwool，withpaper，but，Whohisfoultailwithpaperwipes，Shallathisballocksleavesomechips。
What，saidGrangousier，mylittlerogue，hastthoubeenatthepot，thatthoudostrhymealready？Yes，yes，mylordtheking，answeredGargantua，I
canrhymegallantly，andrhymetillIbecomehoarsewithrheum。Hark，whatourprivysaystotheskiters:
Shittard，Squirtard，Crackard，Turdous，ThybungHathflungSomedungOnus:
Filthard，Cackard，Stinkard，St。Antony\'sfireseizeonthytoanebone？，IfthyDirtyDounbyThoudonotwipe，erethoubegone。
Willyouhaveanymoreofit？Yes，yes，answeredGrangousier。Then，saidGargantua，ARoundelay。
Inshittingyes\'dayIdidknowThesessItomyarsedidowe:
Thesmellwassuchcamefromthatslunk，ThatIwaswithitallbestunk:
OhadbutthensomebraveSignorBroughthertomeIwaitedfor，Inshitting！
Iwouldhavecleftherwatergap，Andjoin\'ditclosetomyflipflap，WhilstshehadwithherfingersguardedMyfoulnockandrow，allbemerdedInshitting。
NowsaythatIcandonothing！BytheMerdi，theyarenotofmymaking，butIheardthemofthisgoodoldgrandam，thatyouseehere，andeversincehaveretainedtheminthebudgetofmymemory。
Letusreturntoourpurpose，saidGrangousier。What，saidGargantua，toskite？No，saidGrangousier，buttowipeourtail。But，saidGargantua，willnotyoubecontenttopayapuncheonofBretonwine，ifIdonotblankandgravelyouinthismatter，andputyoutoanon-plus？Yes，truly，saidGrangousier。
Thereisnoneedofwipingone\'stail，saidGargantua，butwhenitisfoul；
foulitcannotbe，unlessonehavebeena-skiting；skitethenwemustbeforewewipeourtails。Omyprettylittlewaggishboy，saidGrangousier，whatanexcellentwitthouhast？Iwillmaketheeveryshortlyproceeddoctorinthejovialquirksofgaylearning，andthat，byG——，forthouhastmorewitthanage。Now，Iprithee，gooninthistorcheculative，orwipe-bummatorydiscourse，andbymybeardIswear，foronepuncheon，thoushalthavethreescorepipes，ImeanofthegoodBretonwine，notthatwhichgrowsinBritain，butinthegoodcountryofVerron。
AfterwardsIwipedmybum，saidGargantua，withakerchief，withapillow，withapantoufle，withapouch，withapannier，butthatwasawickedandunpleasanttorchecul；thenwithahat。Ofhats，notethatsomeareshorn，andothersshaggy，somevelveted，otherscoveredwithtaffeties，andotherswithsatin。Thebestofalltheseistheshaggyhat，foritmakesaveryneatabstersionofthefecalmatter。
AfterwardsIwipedmytailwithahen，withacock，withapullet，withacalf\'sskin，withahare，withapigeon，withacormorant，withanattorney\'sbag，withamontero，withacoif，withafalconer\'slure。But，toconclude，Isayandmaintain，thatofalltorcheculs，arsewisps，bumfodders，tail-napkins，bungholecleansers，andwipe-breeches，thereisnoneintheworldcomparabletotheneckofagoose，thatiswelldowned，ifyouholdherheadbetwixtyourlegs。Andbelievemethereinuponminehonour，foryouwilltherebyfeelinyournockholeamostwonderfulpleasure，bothinregardofthesoftnessofthesaiddownandofthetemporateheatofthegoose，whichiseasilycommunicatedtothebum-gutandtheresttheinwards，insofarastocomeeventotheregionsoftheheartandbrains。AndthinknotthatthefelicityoftheheroesanddemigodsintheElysianfieldsconsistetheitherintheirasphodel，ambrosia，ornectar，asouroldwomenhereusedtosay；butinthis，accordingtomyjudgment，thattheywipetheirtailswiththeneckofagoose，holdingherheadbetwixttheirlegs，andsuchistheopinionofMasterJohnofScotland，aliasScotus。
Chapter1。XIV。
HowGargantuawastaughtLatinbyaSophister。
ThegoodmanGrangousierhavingheardthisdiscourse，wasravishedwithadmiration，consideringthehighreachandmarvellousunderstandingofhissonGargantua，andsaidtohisgovernesses，Philip，kingofMacedon，knewthegreatwitofhissonAlexanderbyhisskilfulmanagingofahorse；forhishorseBucephaluswassofierceandunrulythatnonedurstadventuretoridehim，afterthathehadgiventohisriderssuchdevilishfalls，breakingtheneckofthisman，theotherman\'sleg，brainingone，andputtinganotheroutofhisjawbone。ThisbyAlexanderbeingconsidered，onedayinthehippodromewhichwasaplaceappointedforthebreakingandmanagingofgreathorses，heperceivedthatthefuryofthehorseproceededmerelyfromthefearhehadofhisownshadow，whereupongettingonhisback，herunhimagainstthesun，sothattheshadowfellbehind，andbythatmeanstamedthehorseandbroughthimtohishand。Wherebyhisfather，knowingthedivinejudgmentthatwasinhim，causedhimmostcarefullytobeinstructedbyAristotle，whoatthattimewashighlyrenownedaboveallthephilosophersofGreece。AfterthesamemannerI
tellyou，thatbythisonlydiscourse，whichnowIhaveherehadbeforeyouwithmysonGargantua，Iknowthathisunderstandingdothparticipateofsomedivinity，andthat，ifhebewelltaught，andhavethateducationwhichisfitting，hewillattaintoasupremedegreeofwisdom。ThereforewillIcommithimtosomelearnedman，tohavehimindoctrinatedaccordingtohiscapacity，andwillsparenocost。Presentlytheyappointedhimagreatsophister-doctor，calledMasterTubalHolofernes，whotaughthimhisABCsowell，thathecouldsayitbyheartbackwards；andaboutthishewasfiveyearsandthreemonths。ThenreadhetohimDonat，LeFacet，Theodolet，andAlanusinparabolis。Aboutthishewasthirteenyears，sixmonths，andtwoweeks。ButyoumustremarkthatinthemeantimehedidlearntowriteinGothiccharacters，andthathewroteallhisbooks——forartofprintingwasnottheninuse——anddidordinarilycarryagreatpenandinkhorn，weighingaboutseventhousandquintalsthatis，700，000poundweight，thepennerwhereofwasasbigandaslongasthegreatpillarsofEnay，andthehornwashangingtoitingreatironchains，itbeingofthewidenessofatunofmerchantware。Afterthathereaduntohimthebookdemodissignificandi，withthecommentariesofHurtbise，ofFasquin，ofTropdieux，ofGualhaut，ofJohnCalf，ofBillonio，ofBerlinguandus，andarabbleofothers；andhereinhespentmorethaneighteenyearsandelevenmonths，andwassowellversedinitthat，totrymasteriesinschooldisputeswithhiscondisciples，hewouldreciteitbyheartbackwards，anddidsometimesproveonhisfinger-endstohismother，quoddemodissignificandinoneratscientia。Thendidhereadtohimthecompostforknowingtheageofthemoon，theseasonsoftheyear，andtidesofthesea，onwhichhespentsixteenyearsandtwomonths，andthatjustlyatthetimethathissaidpreceptordiedoftheFrenchpox，whichwasintheyearonethousandfourhundredandtwenty。Afterwardshegotanoldcoughingfellowtoteachhim，namedMasterJobelinBride，ormuzzleddolt，whoreaduntohimHugutio，Hebrard\'sGrecism，theDoctrinal，theParts，theQuidest，theSupplementum，Marmotretus，Demoribusinmensaservandis，Senecadequatuorvirtutibuscardinalibus，Passavantuscumcommento，andDormisecurefortheholidays，andsomeotherofsuchlikemealystuff，byreadingwhereofhebecameaswiseasanyweeversincebakedinanoven。
Chapter1。XV。
HowGargantuawasputunderotherschoolmasters。
Atthelasthisfatherperceivedthatindeedhestudiedhard，andthat，althoughhespentallhistimeinit，hedidneverthelessprofitnothing，butwhichisworse，grewtherebyfoolish，simple，doted，andblockish，whereofmakingaheavyregrettoDonPhilipofMarays，ViceroyorDeputeKingofPapeligosse，hefoundthatitwerebetterforhimtolearnnothingatall，thantobetaughtsuch-likebooks，undersuchschoolmasters；
becausetheirknowledgewasnothingbutbrutishness，andtheirwisdombutbluntfoppishtoys，servingonlytobastardizegoodandnoblespirits，andtocorruptalltheflowerofyouth。Thatitisso，take，saidhe，anyyoungboyofthistimewhohathonlystudiedtwoyears，——ifhehavenotabetterjudgment，abetterdiscourse，andthatexpressedinbettertermsthanyourson，withacompletercarriageandcivilitytoallmannerofpersons，accountmeforeverhereafteraveryclounchandbacon-slicerofBrene。ThispleasedGrangousierverywell，andhecommandedthatitshouldbedone。Atnightatsupper，thesaidDesMaraysbroughtinayoungpageofhis，ofVille-gouges，calledEudemon，soneat，sotrim，sohandsomeinhisapparel，sospruce，withhishairinsogoodorder，andsosweetandcomelyinhisbehaviour，thathehadtheresemblanceofalittleangelmorethanofahumancreature。ThenhesaidtoGrangousier，Doyouseethisyoungboy？Heisnotasyetfulltwelveyearsold。Letustry，ifitpleaseyou，whatdifferencethereisbetwixttheknowledgeofthedotingMateologiansofoldtimeandtheyoungladsthatarenow。ThetrialpleasedGrangousier，andhecommandedthepagetobegin。ThenEudemon，askingleaveofthevice-kinghismastersotodo，withhiscapinhishand，aclearandopencountenance，beautifulandruddylips，hiseyessteady，andhislooksfixeduponGargantuawithayouthfulmodesty，standingupstraightonhisfeet，beganverygracefullytocommendhim；
first，forhisvirtueandgoodmanners；secondly，forhisknowledge，thirdly，forhisnobility；fourthly，forhisbodilyaccomplishments；and，inthefifthplace，mostsweetlyexhortedhimtoreverencehisfatherwithalldueobservancy，whowassocarefultohavehimwellbroughtup。Intheendheprayedhim，thathewouldvouchsafetoadmitofhimamongsttheleastofhisservants；forotherfavouratthattimedesiredhenoneofheaven，butthathemightdohimsomegratefulandacceptableservice。Allthiswasbyhimdeliveredwithsuchpropergestures，suchdistinctpronunciation，sopleasantadelivery，insuchexquisitefineterms，andsogoodLatin，thatheseemedratheraGracchus，aCicero，anAemiliusofthetimepast，thanayouthofthisage。ButallthecountenancethatGargantuakeptwas，thathefelltocryinglikeacow，andcastdownhisface，hidingitwithhiscap，norcouldtheypossiblydrawonewordfromhim，nomorethanafartfromadeadass。WhereathisfatherwassogrievouslyvexedthathewouldhavekilledMasterJobelin，butthesaidDesMarayswithheldhimfromitbyfairpersuasions，sothatatlengthhepacifiedhiswrath。ThenGrangousiercommandedheshouldbepaidhiswages，thattheyshouldwhittlehimupsoundly，likeasophister，withgooddrink，andthengivehimleavetogotoallthedevilsinhell。Atleast，saidhe，todayshallitnotcosthishostmuchifbychanceheshoulddieasdrunkasaSwitzer。MasterJobelinbeinggoneoutofthehouse，GrangousierconsultedwiththeViceroywhatschoolmastertheyshouldchooseforhim，anditwasbetwixtthemresolvedthatPonocrates，thetutorofEudemon，shouldhavethecharge，andthattheyshouldgoaltogethertoParis，toknowwhatwasthestudyoftheyoungmenofFranceatthattime。
Chapter1。XVI。
HowGargantuawassenttoParis，andofthehugegreatmarethatherodeon；howshedestroyedtheoxfliesoftheBeauce。
InthesameseasonFayoles，thefourthKingofNumidia，sentoutofthecountryofAfricatoGrangousierthemosthideouslygreatmarethateverwasseen，andofthestrangestform，foryouknowwellenoughhowitissaidthatAfricaalwaysisproductiveofsomenewthing。Shewasasbigassixelephants，andhadherfeetclovenintofingers，likeJuliusCaesar\'shorse，withslouch-hangingears，likethegoatsinLanguedoc，andalittlehornonherbuttock。Shewasofaburntsorrelhue，withalittlemixtureofdapple-greyspots，butaboveallshehadhorribletail；foritwaslittlemoreorlessthaneverywhitasgreatasthesteeple-pillarofSt。
MarkbesideLanges:andsquaredasthatis，withtuffsandennicrochesorhair-plaitswroughtwithinoneanother，nootherwisethanasthebeardsareupontheearsofcorn。
Ifyouwonderatthis，wonderratheratthetailsoftheScythianrams，whichweighedabovethirtypoundseach；andoftheSuriansheep，whoneed，ifTenaudsaytrue，alittlecartattheirheelstobearuptheirtail，itissolongandheavy。Youfemalelechersintheplaincountrieshavenosuchtails。AndshewasbroughtbyseainthreecarricksandabrigantineuntotheharbourofOloneinThalmondois。WhenGrangousiersawher，Hereis，saidhe，whatisfittocarrymysontoParis。Sonow，inthenameofGod，allwillbewell。Hewillintimescomingbeagreatscholar。Ifitwerenot，mymasters，forthebeasts，weshouldlivelikeclerks。Thenextmorning——aftertheyhaddrunk，youmustunderstand——theytooktheirjourney；Gargantua，hispedagoguePonocrates，andhistrain，andwiththemEudemon，theyoungpage。Andbecausetheweatherwasfairandtemperate，hisfathercausedtobemadeforhimapairofdunboots，——Babincallsthembuskins。Thusdidtheymerrilypasstheirtimeintravellingontheirhighway，alwaysmakinggoodcheer，andwereverypleasanttilltheycamealittleaboveOrleans，inwhichplacetherewasaforestoffive-and-thirtyleagueslong，andseventeeninbreadth，orthereabouts。Thisforestwasmosthorriblyfertileandcopiousindorflies，hornets，andwasps，sothatitwasaverypurgatoryforthepoormares，asses，andhorses。ButGargantua\'smaredidavengeherselfhandsomelyofalltheoutragesthereincommitteduponbeastsofherkind，andthatbyatrickwhereoftheyhadnosuspicion。Forassoonasevertheywereenteredintothesaidforest，andthatthewaspshadgiventheassault，shedrewoutandunsheathedhertail，andtherewithskirmishing，didsosweepthemthatsheoverthrewallthewoodalongstandathwart，hereandthere，thiswayandthatway，longwiseandsidewise，overandunder，andfelledeverywherethewoodwithasmucheaseasamowerdoththegrass，insuchsortthatneversincehaththerebeenthereneitherwoodnordorflies:forallthecountrywastherebyreducedtoaplainchampaignfield。WhichGargantuatookgreatpleasuretobehold，andsaidtohiscompanynomorebutthis:JetrouvebeauceI
findthispretty；whereuponthatcountryhathbeeneversincethattimecalledBeauce。Butallthebreakfastthemaregotthatdaywasbutalittleyawningandgaping，inmemorywhereofthegentlemenofBeaucedoasyettothisdaybreaktheirfastwithgaping，whichtheyfindtobeverygood，anddospitthebetterforit。AtlasttheycametoParis，whereGargantuarefreshedhimselftwoorthreedays，makingverymerrywithhisfolks，andinquiringwhatmenoflearningthereweretheninthecity，andwhatwinetheydrunkthere。
Chapter1。XVII。
HowGargantuapaidhiswelcometotheParisians，andhowhetookawaythegreatbellsofOurLady\'sChurch。
Somefewdaysafterthattheyhadrefreshedthemselves，hewenttoseethecity，andwasbeheldofeverybodytherewithgreatadmiration；forthepeopleofParisaresosottish，sobadot，sofoolishandfondbynature，thatajuggler，acarrierofindulgences，asumpter-horse，ormulewithcymbalsortinklingbells，ablindfiddlerinthemiddleofacrosslane，shalldrawagreaterconfluenceofpeopletogetherthananevangelicalpreacher。AndtheypressedsoharduponhimthathewasconstrainedtoresthimselfuponthetowersofOurLady\'sChurch。Atwhichplace，seeingsomanyabouthim，hesaidwithaloudvoice，Ibelievethatthesebuzzardswillhavemetopaythemheremywelcomehither，andmyProficiat。Itisbutgoodreason。Iwillnowgivethemtheirwine，butitshallbeonlyinsport。Thensmiling，heuntiedhisfairbraguette，anddrawingouthismentulintotheopenair，hesobitterlyall-to-bepissedthem，thathedrownedtwohundredandsixtythousand，fourhundredandeighteen，besidesthewomenandlittlechildren。Some，nevertheless，ofthecompanyescapedthispiss-floodbymerespeedoffoot，who，whentheywereatthehigherendoftheuniversity，sweating，coughing，spitting，andoutofbreath，theybegantoswearandcurse，someingoodhotearnest，andothersinjest。Carimari，carimara:golynoly，golynolo。BymysweetSanctess，wearewashedinsport，asporttrulytolaughat；——inFrench，Parris，forwhichthatcityhathbeeneversincecalledParis；whosenameformerlywasLeucotia，asStrabotestifieth，lib。quarto，fromtheGreekwordGreek，whiteness，——becauseofthewhitethighsoftheladiesofthatplace。Andforasmuchas，atthisimpositionofanewname，allthepeoplethatweretheresworeeveryonebytheSanctsofhisparish，theParisians，whicharepatchedupofallnationsandallpiecesofcountries，arebynaturebothgoodjurorsandgoodjurists，andsomewhatoverweening；whereuponJoanninusdeBarrauco，librodecopiositatereverentiarum，thinksthattheyarecalledParisiansfromtheGreekwordGreek，whichsignifiesboldnessandlibertyinspeech。Thisdone，heconsideredthegreatbells，whichwereinthesaidtowers，andmadethemsoundveryharmoniously。Whichwhilsthewasdoing，itcameintohismindthattheywouldserveverywellfortinglingtantansandringingcampanelstohangabouthismare\'sneckwhensheshouldbesentbacktohisfather，asheintendedtodo，loadedwithBriecheeseandfreshherring。Andindeedheforthwithcarriedthemtohislodging。InthemeanwhiletherecameamasterbeggarofthefriarsofSt。
Anthonytodemandinhiscantingwaytheusualbenevolenceofsomehoggishstuff，who，thathemightbeheardafaroff，andtomakethebaconhewasinquestofshakeintheverychimneys，madeaccounttofilchthemawayprivily。Nevertheless，heleftthembehindveryhonestly，notforthattheyweretoohot，butthattheyweresomewhattooheavyforhiscarriage。
ThiswasnotheofBourg，forhewastoogoodafriendofmine。Allthecitywasrisenupinsedition，theybeing，asyouknow，uponanyslightoccasion，soreadytouproarsandinsurrections，thatforeignnationswonderatthepatienceofthekingsofFrance，whodonotbygoodjusticerestrainthemfromsuchtumultuouscourses，seeingthemanifoldinconvenienceswhichthencearisefromdaytoday。WouldtoGodIknewtheshopwhereinareforgedthesedivisionsandfactiouscombinations，thatI
mightbringthemtolightintheconfraternitiesofmyparish！Believeforatruth，thattheplacewhereinthepeoplegatheredtogether，werethussulphured，hopurymated，moiled，andbepissed，wascalledNesle，wherethenwas，butnowisnomore，theoracleofLeucotia。Therewasthecaseproposed，andtheinconvenienceshowedofthetransportingofthebells。
Aftertheyhadwellergotedproandcon，theyconcludedinbaralipton，thattheyshouldsendtheoldestandmostsufficientofthefacultyuntoGargantua，tosignifyuntohimthegreatandhorribleprejudicetheysustainbythewantofthosebells。Andnotwithstandingthegoodreasonsgiveninbysomeoftheuniversitywhythischargewasfitterforanoratorthanasophister，therewaschosenforthispurposeourMasterJanotusdeBragmardo。
Chapter1。XVIII。
HowJanotusdeBragmardowassenttoGargantuatorecoverthegreatbells。
MasterJanotus，withhishaircutroundlikeadishalaCaesarine，inhismostantiqueaccoutrementliripipionatedwithagraduate\'shood，andhavingsufficientlyantidotedhisstomachwithoven-marmalades，thatis，breadandholywaterofthecellar，transportedhimselftothelodgingofGargantua，drivingbeforehimthreered-muzzledbeadles，anddraggingafterhimfiveorsixartlessmasters，allthoroughlybedaggledwiththemireofthestreets。AttheirentryPonocratesmetthem，whowasafraid，seeingthemsodisguised，andthoughttheyhadbeensomemasquersoutoftheirwits，whichmovedhimtoinquireofoneofthesaidartlessmastersofthecompanywhatthismummerymeant。Itwasansweredhim，thattheydesiredtohavetheirbellsrestoredtothem。AssoonasPonocratesheardthat，heraninallhastetocarrythenewsuntoGargantua，thathemightbereadytoanswerthem，andspeedilyresolvewhatwastobedone。Gargantuabeingadvertisedhereof，calledaparthisschoolmasterPonocrates，Philotimus，stewardofhishouse，Gymnastes，hisesquire，andEudemon，andverysummarilyconferredwiththem，bothofwhatheshoulddoandwhatanswerheshouldgive。Theywereallofopinionthattheyshouldbringthemuntothegoblet-office，whichisthebuttery，andtheremakethemdrinklikeroystersandlinetheirjacketssoundly。Andthatthiscoughermightnotbepuffedupwithvain-glorybythinkingthebellswererestoredathisrequest，theysent，whilsthewaschopiningandplyingthepot，forthemayorofthecity，therectorofthefaculty，andthevicarofthechurch，untowhomtheyresolvedtodeliverthebellsbeforethesophisterhadpropoundedhiscommission。Afterthat，intheirhearing，heshouldpronouncehisgallantoration，whichwasdone；andtheybeingcome，thesophisterwasbroughtinfullhall，andbeganasfolloweth，incoughing。
Chapter1。XIX。
TheorationofMasterJanotusdeBragmardoforrecoveryofthebells。
Hem，hem，gud-day，sirs，gud-day。Etvobis，mymasters。Itwerebutreasonthatyoushouldrestoretousourbells；forwehavegreatneedofthem。Hem，hem，aihfuhash。WehaveoftentimesheretoforerefusedgoodmoneyforthemofthoseofLondoninCahors，yeaandthoseofBourdeauxinBrie，whowouldhaveboughtthemforthesubstantificqualityoftheelementarycomplexion，whichisintronificatedintheterrestreityoftheirquidditativenature，toextraneizetheblastingmistsandwhirlwindsuponourvines，indeednotours，buttheseroundaboutus。Forifwelosethepiotandliquorofthegrape，weloseall，bothsenseandlaw。Ifyourestorethemuntousatmyrequest，Ishallgainbyitsixbasketfulsofsausagesandafinepairofbreeches，whichwilldomylegsagreatdealofgood，orelsetheywillnotkeeptheirpromisetome。Hobygob，Domine，apairofbreechesisgood，etvirsapiensnonabhorrebiteam。Ha，ha，apairofbreechesisnotsoeasilygot；Ihaveexperienceofitmyself。
Consider，Domine，Ihavebeentheseeighteendaysinmatagrabolizingthisbravespeech。RedditequaesuntCaesaris，Caesari，etquaesuntDei，Deo。
Ibijacetlepus。Bymyfaith，Domine，ifyouwillsupwithmeincameris，bycoxbody，charitatis，nosfaciemusbonumcherubin。Egoocciditunumporcum，etegohabetbonumvino:butofgoodwinewecannotmakebadLatin。Well，departeDeidatenobisbellasnostras。Hold，IgiveyouinthenameofthefacultyaSermonesdeUtino，thatutinamyouwouldgiveusourbells。Vultisetiampardonos？Perdiemvoshabebitis，etnihilpayabitis。O，sir，Domine，bellagivaminornobis；verily，estbonumvobis。
Theyareusefultoeverybody。Iftheyfityourmarewell，sodotheydoourfaculty；quaecomparataestjumentisinsipientibus，etsimilisfactaesteis，Psalmonescioquo。YetdidIquoteitinmynote-book，etestunumbonumAchilles，agooddefendingargument。Hem，hem，hem，haikhash！
ForIproveuntoyou，thatyoushouldgivemethem。Egosicargumentor。
Omnisbellabellabilisinbelleriobellando，bellans，bellativo，bellarefacit，bellabiliterbellantes。Parisiushabetbellas。Ergogluc，Ha，ha，ha。Thisisspokentosomepurpose。Itisintertioprimae，inDarii，orelsewhere。Bymysoul，IhaveseenthetimethatIcouldplaythedevilinarguing，butnowIammuchfailed，andhenceforwardwantnothingbutacupofgoodwine，agoodbed，mybacktothefire，mybellytothetable，andagooddeepdish。Hei，Domine，Ibeseechyou，innominePatris，Filii，etSpiritussancti，Amen，torestoreuntousourbells:andGodkeepyoufromevil，andourLadyfromhealth，quivivitetregnatperomniaseculaseculorum，Amen。Hem，hashchehhawksash，qzrchremhemhash。
Verumenimvero，quandoquidem，dubioprocul。Edepol，quoniam，itacerte，mediusfidius；atownwithoutbellsislikeablindmanwithoutastaff，anasswithoutacrupper，andacowwithoutcymbals。Thereforebeassured，untilyouhaverestoredthemuntous，wewillneverleavecryingafteryou，likeablindmanthathathlosthisstaff，brayinglikeanasswithoutacrupper，andmakinganoiselikeacowwithoutcymbals。Acertainlatinisator，dwellingnearthehospital，saidsince，producingtheauthorityofoneTaponnus，——Ilie，itwasonePontanusthesecularpoet，——
whowishedthosebellshadbeenmadeoffeathers，andtheclapperofafoxtail，totheendtheymighthavebegotachronicleinthebowelsofhisbrain，whenhewasaboutthecomposingofhiscarminiformallines。Butnacpetetinpetetac，tic，torchelorgne，orrotkipipurkipipotputpantsemalf，hewasdeclaredanheretic。Wemakethemasofwax。Andnomoresaiththedeponent。Valeteetplaudite。Calepinusrecensui。
Chapter1。XX。
HowtheSophistercarriedawayhiscloth，andhowhehadasuitinlawagainsttheothermasters。
Thesophisterhadnosoonerended，butPonocratesandEudemonburstoutinalaughingsoheartily，thattheyhadalmostsplitwithit，andgivenuptheghost，inrenderingtheirsoulstoGod:evenjustasCrassusdid，seeingalubberlyasseatthistles；andasPhilemon，who，forseeinganasseatthosefigswhichwereprovidedforhisowndinner，diedwithforceoflaughing。TogetherwiththemMasterJanotusfella-laughingtooasfastashecould，inwhichmoodoflaughingtheycontinuedsolong，thattheireyesdidwaterbythevehementconcussionofthesubstanceofthebrain，bywhichtheselachrymalhumidities，beingpressedout，glidedthroughtheopticnerves，andsotothefullrepresentedDemocritusHeraclitizingandHeraclitusDemocritizing。
Whentheyhaddonelaughing，Gargantuaconsultedwiththeprimeofhisretinuewhatshouldbedone。TherePonocrateswasofopinionthattheyshouldmakethisfairoratordrinkagain；andseeinghehadshowedthemmorepastime，andmadethemlaughmorethananaturalsoulcouldhavedone，thattheyshouldgivehimtenbasketsfullofsausages，mentionedinhispleasantspeech，withapairofhose，threehundredgreatbilletsoflogwood，five-and-twentyhogsheadsofwine，agoodlargedown-bed，andadeepcapaciousdish，whichhesaidwerenecessaryforhisoldage。Allthiswasdoneastheydidappoint:onlyGargantua，doubtingthattheycouldnotquicklyfindoutbreechesfitforhiswearing，becauseheknewnotwhatfashionwouldbestbecomethesaidorator，whetherthemartingalefashionofbreeches，whereinisaspungholewithadrawbridgeforthemoreeasycaguing:orthefashionofthemariners，forthegreatersolaceandcomfortofhiskidneys:orthatoftheSwitzers，whichkeepswarmthebedondaineorbelly-tabret:orroundbreecheswithstraightcannions，havingintheseatapiecelikeacod\'stail，forfearofover-heatinghisreins:——allwhichconsidered，hecausedtobegivenhimsevenellsofwhiteclothforthelinings。Thewoodwascarriedbytheporters，themastersofartscarriedthesausagesandthedishes，andMasterJanotushimselfwouldcarrythecloth。Oneofthesaidmasters，calledJousseBandouille，showedhimthatitwasnotseemlynordecentforoneofhisconditiontodoso，andthatthereforeheshoulddeliverittooneofthem。Ha，saidJanotus，baudet，baudet，orblockhead，blockhead，thoudostnotconcludeinmodoetfigura。Forlo，tothisendservethesuppositionsandparvalogicalia。
Pannus，proquosupponit？Confuse，saidBandouille，etdistributive。Idonotaskthee，saidJanotus，blockhead，quomodosupponit，butproquo？Itis，blockhead，protibiismeis，andthereforeIwillcarryit，Egomet，sicutsuppositumportatappositum。Sodidhecarryitawayverycloseandcovertly，asPatelinthebuffoondidhiscloth。Thebestwas，thatwhenthiscougher，inafullactorassemblyheldattheMathurins，hadwithgreatconfidencerequiredhisbreechesandsausages，andthattheywereflatlydeniedhim，becausehehadthemofGargantua，accordingtotheinformationsthereuponmade，heshowedthemthatthiswasgratis，andoutofhisliberality，bywhichtheywerenotinanysortquitoftheirpromises。Notwithstandingthis，itwasansweredhimthatheshouldbecontentwithreason，withoutexpectationofanyotherbribethere。Reason？
saidJanotus。Weusenoneofithere。Unluckytraitors，youarenotworththehanging。Theearthbearethnotmorearrantvillainsthanyouare。I
knowitwellenough；haltnotbeforethelame。Ihavepractisedwickednesswithyou。ByGod\'srattle，Iwillinformthekingoftheenormousabusesthatareforgedhereandcarriedunderhandbyyou，andletmebealeper，ifhedonotburnyoualivelikesodomites，traitors，hereticsandseducers，enemiestoGodandvirtue。
Uponthesewordstheyframedarticlesagainsthim:heontheothersidewarnedthemtoappear。Insum，theprocesswasretainedbythecourt，andisthereasyet。Hereuponthemagistersmadeavownevertodecrottthemselvesinrubbingoffthedirtofeithertheirshoesorclothes:
MasterJanotuswithhisadherentsvowednevertobloworsnufftheirnoses，untiljudgmentweregivenbyadefinitivesentence。
Bythesevowsdotheycontinueuntothistimebothdirtyandsnotty；forthecourthathnotgarbled，sifted，andfullylookedintoallthepiecesasyet。ThejudgmentordecreeshallbegivenoutandpronouncedatthenextGreekkalends，thatis，never。Asyouknowthattheydomorethannature，andcontrarytotheirownarticles。ThearticlesofParismaintainthattoGodalonebelongsinfinity，andnatureproducethnothingthatisimmortal；
forsheputtethanendandperiodtoallthingsbyherengendered，accordingtothesaying，Omniaortacadunt，&c。Butthesethickmist-
swallowersmakethesuitsinlawdependingbeforethembothinfiniteandimmortal。Indoingwhereof，theyhavegivenoccasionto，andverifiedthesayingofChilotheLacedaemonian，consecratedtotheoracleatDelphos，thatmiseryistheinseparablecompanionoflaw-debates；andthatpleadersaremiserable；forsoonershalltheyattaintotheendoftheirlives，thantothefinaldecisionoftheirpretendedrights。
Chapter1。XXI。
ThestudyofGargantua，accordingtothedisciplineofhisschoolmasterstheSophisters。
Thefirstdaybeingthusspent，andthebellsputupagainintheirownplace，thecitizensofParis，inacknowledgmentofthiscourtesy，offeredtomaintainandfeedhismareaslongashepleased，whichGargantuatookingoodpart，andtheysenthertograzeintheforestofBiere。Ithinksheisnottherenow。Thisdone，hewithallhisheartsubmittedhisstudytothediscretionofPonocrates；whoforthebeginningappointedthatheshoulddoashewasaccustomed，totheendhemightunderstandbywhatmeans，insolongtime，hisoldmastershadmadehimsosottishandignorant。Hedisposedthereforeofhistimeinsuchfashion，thatordinarilyhedidawakebetwixteightandnineo\'clock，whetheritwasdayornot，forsohadhisancientgovernorsordained，allegingthatwhichDavidsaith，Vanumestvobisantelucemsurgere。Thendidhetumbleandtoss，waghislegs，andwallowinthebedsometime，thebettertostirupandrousehisvitalspirits，andapparelledhimselfaccordingtotheseason:butwillinglyhewouldwearagreatlonggownofthickfrieze，furredwithfox-skins。AfterwardshecombedhisheadwithanAlmaincomb，whichisthefourfingersandthethumb。Forhispreceptorsaidthattocombhimselfotherwise，towashandmakehimselfneat，wastolosetimeinthisworld。Thenhedunged，pissed，spewed，belched，cracked，yawned，spitted，coughed，yexed，sneezedandsnottedhimselflikeanarchdeacon，and，tosuppressthedewandbadair，wenttobreakfast，havingsomegoodfriedtripes，fairrashersonthecoals，excellentgammonsofbacon，storeoffinemincedmeat，andagreatdealofsippetbrewis，madeupofthefatofthebeef-pot，laiduponbread，cheese，andchoppedparsleystrewedtogether。Ponocratesshowedhimthatheoughtnottoeatsosoonafterrisingoutofhisbed，unlesshehadperformedsomeexercisebeforehand。
Gargantuaanswered，What！havenotIsufficientlywellexercisedmyself？I
havewallowedandrolledmyselfsixorseventurnsinmybedbeforeIrose。
Isnotthatenough？PopeAlexanderdidso，bytheadviceofaJewhisphysician，andlivedtillhisdyingdayindespiteofhisenemies。Myfirstmastershaveusedmetoit，sayingthattobreakfastmadeagoodmemory，andthereforetheydrankfirst。Iamverywellafterit，anddinebutthebetter。AndMasterTubal，whowasthefirstlicenciateatParis，toldmethatitwasnotenoughtorunapace，buttosetforthbetimes:sodothnotthetotalwelfareofourhumanitydependuponperpetualdrinkinginaribblerabble，likeducks，butondrinkingearlyinthemorning；undeversus，Torisebetimesisnogoodhour，Todrinkbetimesisbettersure。
Afterthathehadthoroughlybrokehisfast，hewenttochurch，andtheycarriedtohim，inagreatbasket，ahugeimpantoufledorthick-coveredbreviary，weighing，whatingrease，clasps，parchmentandcover，littlemoreorlessthanelevenhundredandsixpounds。Thereheheardsix-and-
twentyorthirtymasses。Thiswhile，tothesameplacecamehisorison-
muttererimpaletocked，orlappedupaboutthechinlikeatuftedwhoop，andhisbreathprettywellantidotedwithstoreofthevine-tree-syrup。Withhimhemumbledallhiskirielsanddunsicalbreborions，whichhesocuriouslythumbedandfingered，thattherefellnotsomuchasonegraintotheground。Ashewentfromthechurch，theybroughthim，uponadraydrawnwithoxen，aconfusedheapofpaternostersandavesofSt。Claude，everyoneofthembeingofthebignessofahat-block；andthuswalkingthroughthecloisters，galleries，orgarden，hesaidmoreinturningthemoverthansixteenhermitswouldhavedone。Thendidhestudysomepaltryhalf-hourwithhiseyesfixeduponhisbook；but，asthecomicsaith，hismindwasinthekitchen。Pissingthenafullurinal，hesatdownattable；
andbecausehewasnaturallyphlegmatic，hebeganhismealwithsomedozensofgammons，driedneat\'stongues，hardroesofmullet，calledbotargos，andouillesorsausages，andsuchotherforerunnersofwine。Inthemeanwhile，fourofhisfolksdidcastintohismouthoneafteranothercontinuallymustardbywholeshovelfuls。Immediatelyafterthat，hedrankahorribledraughtofwhitewinefortheeaseofhiskidneys。Whenthatwasdone，heateaccordingtotheseasonmeatagreeabletohisappetite，andthenleftoffeatingwhenhisbellybegantostrout，andwasliketocrackforfulness。Asforhisdrinking，hehadinthatneitherendnorrule。Forhewaswonttosay，Thatthelimitsandboundsofdrinkingwere，whenthecorkoftheshoesofhimthatdrinkethswellethuphalfafoothigh。
Chapter1。XXII。
ThegamesofGargantua。
Thenblockishlymumblingwithasetoncountenanceapieceofscurvygrace，hewashedhishandsinfreshwine，pickedhisteethwiththefootofahog，andtalkedjoviallywithhisattendants。Thenthecarpetbeingspread，theybroughtplentyofcards，manydice，withgreatstoreandabundanceofchequersandchessboards。
Thereheplayed。
Atflush。Atlove。
Atprimero。Atthechess。
Atthebeast。AtReynardthefox。
Attherifle。Atthesquares。
Attrump。Atthecows。
Attheprickandsparenot。Atthelottery。
Atthehundred。Atthechanceormumchance。
Atthepeeny。Atthreediceormaniestbleaks。
Attheunfortunatewoman。Atthetables。
Atthefib。Atnivinivinack。
Atthepassten。Atthelurch。
Atone-and-thirty。Atdoubletsorqueen\'sgame。
Atpostandpair，orevenandAtthefaily。
sequence。AttheFrenchtrictrac。
Atthreehundred。Atthelongtablesorferkeering。
Attheunluckyman。Atfeldown。
Atthelastcoupleinhell。Attod\'sbody。
Atthehock。Atneedsmust。
Atthesurly。Atthedamesordraughts。
Atthelansquenet。Atbobandmow。
Atthecuckoo。Atprimussecundus。
Atpuff，orlethimspeakthatAtmark-knife。
hathit。Atthekeys。
Attakenothingandthrowout。Atspan-counter。
Atthemarriage。Atevenorodd。
Atthefrolicorjackdaw。Atcrossorpile。
Attheopinion。Atballandhuckle-bones。
Atwhodoththeone，doththeAtivoryballs。
other。Atthebilliards。
Atthesequences。Atbobandhit。
Attheivorybundles。Attheowl。
Atthetarots。Atthecharmingofthehare。
Atlosingloadhim。Atpullyetalittle。
Athe\'sgulledandesto。Attrudgepig。
Atthetorture。Atthemagatapies。
Atthehandruff。Atthehorn。
Attheclick。AtthefloweredorShrovetideox。
Athonours。Atthemadge-owlet。
Atpinchwithoutlaughing。Attiltatweeky。
Atpricklemetickleme。Atninepins。
Attheunshoeingoftheass。Atthecockquintin。
Atthecocksess。Attipandhurl。
Atharihohi。Attheflatbowls。
AtIsetmedown。Attheveerandturn。
Atearlbeardy。Atrogueandruffian。
Attheoldmode。Atbumbatchtouch。
Atdrawthespit。Atthemysterioustrough。
Atputout。Attheshortbowls。
Atgossiplendmeyoursack。Atthedapple-grey。
Attheramcodball。Atcockandcrankit。
Atthrustouttheharlot。Atbreak-pot。
AtMarseillesfigs。Atmydesire。
Atnicknamry。Attwirlywhirlytrill。
Atstickandhole。Attherushbundles。
Atbokeorhim，orflayingthefox。Attheshortstaff。
Atthebranchingit。Atthewhirlinggig。
Attrillmadam，orgrapplemylady。Athideandseek，orareyouallAtthecatselling。hid？
Atblowthecoal。Atthepicket。
Atthere-wedding。Attheblank。
Atthequickanddeadjudge。Atthepilferers。
Atunoventheiron。Atthecaveson。
Atthefalseclown。Atprisonbars。
Attheflints，orattheninestones。Athaveatthenuts。
Attothecrutchhulchback。Atcherry-pit。
AttheSanctisfound。Atrubandrice。
Athinch，pinchandlaughnot。Atwhiptop。
Attheleek。Atthecastingtop。
Atbumdockdousse。Atthehobgoblins。
Attheloosegig。AttheOwonderful。
Atthehoop。Atthesoilysmutchy。
Atthesow。Atfastandloose。
Atbellytobelly。Atscutchbreech。
Atthedalesorstraths。Atthebroom-besom。
Atthetwigs。AtSt。Cosme，IcometoadoreAtthequoits。thee。
AtI\'mforthat。Atthelustybrownboy。
AtItakeyounapping。Atgreedyglutton。
AtfairandsoftlypassethLent。Atthemorrisdance。
Attheforkedoak。Atfeeby。
Attruss。Atthewholefriskandgambol。
Atthewolf\'stail。Atbattabum，orridingoftheAtbumtobuss，ornoseinbreech。wildmare。
AtGeordie，givememylance。AtHindtheploughman。
Atswaggy，waggyorshoggyshou。Atthegoodmawkin。
Atstookandrook，shearandAtthedeadbeast。
threave。Atclimbtheladder，Billy。
Atthebirch。Atthedyinghog。
Atthemuss。Atthesaltdoup。
Atthedillydillydarling。Attheprettypigeon。
Atoxmoudy。Atbarleybreak。
Atpurposeinpurpose。Atthebavine。
Atnineless。Atthebushleap。
Atblind-man-buff。Atcrossing。
Atthefallenbridges。Atbo-peep。
Atbridlednick。Attheharditarsepursy。
Atthewhiteatbutts。Attheharrower\'snest。
Atthwackswingehim。Atforwardhey。
Atapple，pear，plum。Atthefig。
Atmumgi。Atgunshotcrack。
Atthetoad。Atmustardpeel。
Atcricket。Atthegome。
Atthepoundingstick。Attherelapse。
Atjackandthebox。Atjogbreech，orprickhimfor-
Atthequeens。ward。
Atthetrades。Atknockpate。
Atheadsandpoints。AttheCornishchough。
Atthevine-treehug。Atthecrane-dance。
Atblackbethyfall。Atslashandcut。
Athothedistaff。Atbobbing，orflirtontheAtJoanThomson。nose。
Attheboltingcloth。Atthelarks。
Attheoat\'sseed。Atfillipping。
Afterhehadthuswellplayed，revelled，pastandspenthistime，itwasthoughtfittodrinkalittle，andthatwaselevenglassfulstheman，and，immediatelyaftermakinggoodcheeragain，hewouldstretchhimselfuponafairbench，oragoodlargebed，andtheresleeptwoorthreehourstogether，withoutthinkingorspeakinganyhurt。Afterhewasawakenedhewouldshakehisearsalittle。Inthemeantimetheybroughthimfreshwine。Therehedrankbetterthanever。Ponocratesshowedhimthatitwasanilldiettodrinksoaftersleeping。Itis，answeredGargantua，theverylifeofthepatriarchsandholyfathers；fornaturallyIsleepsalt，andmysleephathbeentomeinsteadofsomanygammonsofbacon。Thenbeganhetostudyalittle，andoutcamethepaternostersorrosaryofbeads，whichthebetterandmoreformallytodespatch，hegotuponanoldmule，whichhadservedninekings，andsomumblingwithhismouth，noddinganddoddlinghishead，wouldgoseeaconeyferretedorcaughtinagin。
Athisreturnhewentintothekitchentoknowwhatroastmeatwasonthespit，andwhatotherwisewastobedressedforsupper。Andsuppedverywell，uponmyconscience，andcommonlydidinvitesomeofhisneighboursthatweregooddrinkers，withwhomcarousinganddrinkingmerrily，theytoldstoriesofallsortsfromtheoldtothenew。AmongstothershehadfordomesticstheLordsofFou，ofGourville，ofGriniot，andofMarigny。
Aftersupperwerebroughtinupontheplacethefairwoodengospelsandthebooksofthefourkings，thatistosay，manypairsoftablesandcards——orthefairflush，one，two，three——oratall，tomakeshortwork；orelsetheywenttoseethewenchesthereabouts，withlittlesmallbanquets，intermixedwithcollationsandrear-suppers。Thendidhesleep，withoutunbridling，untileighto\'clockinthenextmorning。
Chapter1。XXIII。
HowGargantuawasinstructedbyPonocrates，andinsuchsortdisciplinated，thathelostnotonehouroftheday。
WhenPonocratesknewGargantua\'sviciousmannerofliving，heresolvedtobringhimupinanotherkind；butforawhileheborewithhim，consideringthatnaturecannotendureasuddenchange，withoutgreatviolence。
Therefore，tobeginhisworkthebetter，herequestedalearnedphysicianofthattime，calledMasterTheodorus，seriouslytoperpend，ifitwerepossible，howtobringGargantuaintoabettercourse。ThesaidphysicianpurgedhimcanonicallywithAnticyrianhellebore，bywhichmedicinehecleansedallthealterationandperversehabitudeofhisbrain。BythismeansalsoPonocratesmadehimforgetallthathehadlearnedunderhisancientpreceptors，asTimotheusdidtohisdisciples，whohadbeeninstructedunderothermusicians。Todothisthebetter，theybroughthimintothecompanyoflearnedmen，whichwerethere，inwhoseimitationhehadagreatdesireandaffectiontostudyotherwise，andtoimprovehisparts。Afterwardsheputhimselfintosucharoadandwayofstudying，thathelostnotanyonehourintheday，butemployedallhistimeinlearningandhonestknowledge。Gargantuaawaked，then，aboutfouro\'clockinthemorning。Whilsttheywereinrubbingofhim，therewasreaduntohimsomechapteroftheholyScripturealoudandclearly，withapronunciationfitforthematter，andhereuntowasappointedayoungpageborninBasche，namedAnagnostes。Accordingtothepurposeandargumentofthatlesson，heoftentimesgavehimselftoworship，adore，pray，andsenduphissupplicationstothatgoodGod，whoseWorddidshowhismajestyandmarvellousjudgment。Thenwentheuntothesecretplacestomakeexcretionofhisnaturaldigestions。Therehismasterrepeatedwhathadbeenread，expoundinguntohimthemostobscureanddifficultpoints。Inreturning，theyconsideredthefaceofthesky，ifitwassuchastheyhadobserveditthenightbefore，andintowhatsignsthesunwasentering，asalsothemoonforthatday。Thisdone，hewasapparelled，combed，curled，trimmed，andperfumed，duringwhichtimetheyrepeatedtohimthelessonsofthedaybefore。Hehimselfsaidthembyheart，anduponthemwouldgroundsomepracticalcasesconcerningtheestateofman，whichhewouldprosecutesometimestwoorthreehours，butordinarilytheyceasedassoonashewasfullyclothed。Thenforthreegoodhourshehadalecturereaduntohim。
Thisdonetheywentforth，stillconferringofthesubstanceofthelecture，eitheruntoafieldneartheuniversitycalledtheBrack，oruntothemeadows，wheretheyplayedattheball，thelong-tennis，andatthepiletrigonewhichisaplaywhereinwethrowatriangularpieceofironataring，topassit，mostgallantlyexercisingtheirbodies，asformerlytheyhaddonetheirminds。Alltheirplaywasbutinliberty，fortheyleftoffwhentheypleased，andthatwascommonlywhentheydidsweatoveralltheirbody，orwereotherwiseweary。Thenweretheyverywellwipedandrubbed，shiftedtheirshirts，and，walkingsoberly，wenttoseeifdinnerwasready。Whilsttheystayedforthat，theydidclearlyandeloquentlypronouncesomesentencesthattheyhadretainedofthelecture。
InthemeantimeMasterAppetitecame，andthenveryorderlysattheydownattable。Atthebeginningofthemealtherewasreadsomepleasanthistoryofthewarlikeactionsofformertimes，untilhehadtakenaglassofwine。Then，iftheythoughtgood，theycontinuedreading，orbegantodiscoursemerrilytogether；speakingfirstofthevirtue，propriety，efficacy，andnatureofallthatwasservedinatthetable；ofbread，ofwine，ofwater，ofsalt，offleshes，fishes，fruits，herbs，roots，andoftheirdressing。BymeanswhereofhelearnedinalittletimeallthepassagescompetentforthisthatweretobefoundinPliny，Athenaeus，Dioscorides，JuliusPollux，Galen，Porphyry，Oppian，Polybius，Heliodore，Aristotle，Aelian，andothers。Whilsttheytalkedofthesethings，manytimes，tobethemorecertain，theycausedtheverybookstobebroughttothetable，andsowellandperfectlydidheinhismemoryretainthethingsabovesaid，thatinthattimetherewasnotaphysicianthatknewhalfsomuchashedid。Afterwardstheyconferredofthelessonsreadinthemorning，and，endingtheirrepastwithsomeconserveormarmaladeofquinces，hepickedhisteethwithmastictooth-pickers，washedhishandsandeyeswithfairfreshwater，andgavethanksuntoGodinsomefinecantiques，madeinpraiseofthedivinebountyandmunificence。Thisdone，theybroughtincards，nottoplay，buttolearnathousandprettytricksandnewinventions，whichwereallgroundeduponarithmetic。Bythismeanshefellinlovewiththatnumericalscience，andeverydayafterdinnerandsupperhepassedhistimeinitaspleasantlyashewaswonttodoatcardsanddice；sothatatlastheunderstoodsowellboththetheoryandpracticalpartthereof，thatTunstalltheEnglishman，whohadwrittenverylargelyofthatpurpose，confessedthatverilyincomparisonofhimhehadnoskillatall。Andnotonlyinthat，butintheothermathematicalsciences，asgeometry，astronomy，music，&c。Forinwaitingontheconcoctionandattendingthedigestionofhisfood，theymadeathousandprettyinstrumentsandgeometricalfigures，anddidinsomemeasurepractisetheastronomicalcanons。
Afterthistheyrecreatedthemselveswithsingingmusically，infourorfiveparts，oruponasetthemeorgroundatrandom，asitbestpleasedthem。Inmatterofmusicalinstruments，helearnedtoplayuponthelute，thevirginals，theharp，theAlmainflutewithnineholes，theviol，andthesackbut。Thishourthusspent，anddigestionfinished，hedidpurgehisbodyofnaturalexcrements，thenbetookhimselftohisprincipalstudyforthreehourstogether，ormore，aswelltorepeathismatutinallecturesastoproceedinthebookwhereinhewas，asalsotowritehandsomely，todrawandformtheantiqueandRomanletters。Thisbeingdone，theywentoutoftheirhouse，andwiththemayounggentlemanofTouraine，namedtheEsquireGymnast，whotaughthimtheartofriding。Changingthenhisclothes，herodeaNaplescourser，aDutchroussin，aSpanishjennet，abardedortrappedsteed，thenalightfleethorse，untowhomhegaveahundredcarieres，madehimgothehighsaults，boundingintheair，freetheditchwithaskip，leapoverastileorpale，turnshortinaringbothtotherightandlefthand。Therehebrokenothislance；foritisthegreatestfooleryintheworldtosay，Ihavebrokentenlancesattiltsorinfight。Acarpentercandoevenasmuch。Butitisagloriousandpraise-worthyactionwithonelancetobreakandoverthrowtenenemies。
Therefore，withasharp，stiff，strong，andwell-steeledlancewouldheusuallyforceupadoor，pierceaharness，beatdownatree，carryawaythering，liftupacuirassiersaddle，withthemail-coatandgauntlet。Allthishedidincompletearmsfromheadtofoot。Asfortheprancingflourishesandsmackingpopismsforthebettercherishingofthehorse，commonlyusedinriding，nonedidthembetterthanhe。ThecavallerizeofFerrarawasbutasanapecomparedtohim。Hewassingularlyskilfulinleapingnimblyfromonehorsetoanotherwithoutputtingfoottoground，andthesehorseswerecalleddesultories。Hecouldlikewisefromeitherside，withalanceinhishand，leaponhorsebackwithoutstirrups，andrulethehorseathispleasurewithoutabridle，forsuchthingsareusefulinmilitaryengagements。Anotherdayheexercisedthebattle-axe，whichhesodexterouslywielded，bothinthenimble，strong，andsmoothmanagementofthatweapon，andthatinallthefeatspracticablebyit，thathepassedknightofarmsinthefield，andatallessays。
Thentossedhethepike，playedwiththetwo-handedsword，withthebacksword，withtheSpanishtuck，thedagger，poniard，armed，unarmed，withabuckler，withacloak，withatarget。Thenwouldhehuntthehart，theroebuck，thebear，thefallowdeer，thewildboar，thehare，thepheasant，thepartridge，andthebustard。Heplayedattheballoon，andmadeitboundintheair，bothwithfistandfoot。Hewrestled，ran，jumped——notatthreestepsandaleap，calledthehops，noratclochepied，calledthehare\'sleap，noryetattheAlmains；for，saidGymnast，thesejumpsareforthewarsaltogetherunprofitable，andofnouse——butatoneleaphewouldskipoveraditch，springoverahedge，mountsixpacesuponawall，rampandgrappleafterthisfashionupagainstawindowofthefullheightofalance。Hedidswimindeepwatersonhisbelly，onhisback，sideways，withallhisbody，withhisfeetonly，withonehandintheair，whereinheheldabook，crossingthusthebreadthoftheriverofSeinewithoutwettingit，anddraggedalonghiscloakwithhisteeth，asdidJuliusCaesar；thenwiththehelpofonehandheenteredforciblyintoaboat，fromwhencehecasthimselfagainheadlongintothewater，soundedthedepths，hollowedtherocks，andplungedintothepitsandgulfs。Thenturnedhetheboatabout，governedit，leditswiftlyorslowlywiththestreamandagainstthestream，stoppeditinhiscourse，guideditwithonehand，andwiththeotherlaidhardabouthimwithahugegreatoar，hoistedthesail，hiedupalongthemastbytheshrouds，ranupontheedgeofthedecks，setthecompassinorder，tackledthebowlines，andsteeredthehelm。Comingoutofthewater，heranfuriouslyupagainstahill，andwiththesamealacrityandswiftnessrandownagain。Heclimbedupattreeslikeacat，andleapedfromtheonetotheotherlikeasquirrel。HedidpulldownthegreatboughsandbrancheslikeanotherMilo；thenwithtwosharpwell-steeleddaggersandtwotriedbodkinswouldherunupbythewalltotheverytopofahouselikearat；thensuddenlycamedownfromthetoptothebottom，withsuchanevencompositionofmembersthatbythefallhewouldcatchnoharm。
Hedidcastthedart，throwthebar，putthestone，practisethejavelin，theboar-spearorpartisan，andthehalbert。Hebrokethestrongestbowsindrawing，bendedagainsthisbreastthegreatestcrossbowsofsteel，tookhisaimbytheeyewiththehand-gun，andshotwell，traversedandplantedthecannon，shotatbutt-marks，atthepapgayfrombelowupwards，ortoaheightfromabovedownwards，ortoadescent；thenbeforehim，sideways，andbehindhim，liketheParthians。Theytiedacable-ropetothetopofahightower，byoneendwhereofhangingnearthegroundhewroughthimselfwithhishandstotheverytop；thenuponthesametrackcamedownsosturdilyandfirmthatyoucouldnotonaplainmeadowhaverunwithmoreassurance。Theysetupagreatpolefixedupontwotrees。Therewouldhehangbyhishands，andwiththemalone，hisfeettouchingatnothing，wouldgobackandforealongtheforesaidropewithsogreatswiftnessthathardlycouldoneovertakehimwithrunning；andthen，toexercisehisbreastandlungs，hewouldshoutlikeallthedevilsinhell。IheardhimoncecallEudemonfromSt。Victor\'sgatetoMontmartre。StentorhadneversuchavoiceatthesiegeofTroy。Thenforthestrengtheningofhisnervesorsinewstheymadehimtwogreatsowsoflead，eachofthemweighingeightthousandandsevenhundredquintals，whichtheycalledalteres。Thosehetookupfromtheground，ineachhandone，thenliftedthemupoverhishead，andheldthemsowithoutstirringthreequartersofanhourandmore，whichwasaninimitableforce。Hefoughtatbarrierswiththestoutestandmostvigorouschampions；andwhenitcametothecope，hestoodsosturdilyonhisfeetthatheabandonedhimselfuntothestrongest，incasetheycouldremovehimfromhisplace，asMilowaswonttodoofold。Inwhoseimitation，likewise，heheldapomegranateinhishand，togiveituntohimthatcouldtakeitfromhim。Thetimebeingthusbestowed，andhimselfrubbed，cleansed，wiped，andrefreshedwithotherclothes，hereturnedfairandsoftly；andpassingthroughcertainmeadows，orothergrassyplaces，beheldthetreesandplants，comparingthemwithwhatiswrittenoftheminthebooksoftheancients，suchasTheophrast，Dioscorides，Marinus，Pliny，Nicander，Macer，andGalen，andcarriedhometothehousegreathandfulsofthem，whereofayoungpagecalledRizotomoshadcharge；togetherwithlittlemattocks，pickaxes，grubbing-hooks，cabbies，pruning-knives，andotherinstrumentsrequisiteforherborizing。
Beingcometotheirlodging，whilstsupperwasmakingready，theyrepeatedcertainpassagesofthatwhichhathbeenread，andsatdowntotable。Hereremark，thathisdinnerwassoberandthrifty，forhedidtheneatonlytopreventthegnawingsofhisstomach，buthissupperwascopiousandlarge，forhetookthenasmuchaswasfittomaintainandnourishhim；which，indeed，isthetruedietprescribedbytheartofgoodandsoundphysic，althougharabbleofloggerheadedphysicians，nuzzeledinthebrabblingshopofsophisters，counselthecontrary。Duringthatrepastwascontinuedthelessonreadatdinneraslongastheythoughtgood；therestwasspentingooddiscourse，learnedandprofitable。Afterthattheyhadgiventhanks，hesethimselftosingvocally，andplayuponharmoniousinstruments，orotherwisepassedhistimeatsomeprettysports，madewithcardsordice，orinpractisingthefeatsoflegerdemainwithcupsandballs。Theretheystayedsomenightsinfrolickingthus，andmakingthemselvesmerrytillitwastimetogotobed；andonothernightstheywouldgomakevisitsuntolearnedmen，ortosuchashadbeentravellersinstrangeandremotecountries。Whenitwasfullnightbeforetheyretiredthemselves，theywentuntothemostopenplaceofthehousetoseethefaceofthesky，andtherebeheldthecomets，ifanywere，aslikewisethefigures，situations，aspects，oppositions，andconjunctionsofboththefixedstarsandplanets。
Thenwithhismasterdidhebrieflyrecapitulate，afterthemannerofthePythagoreans，thatwhichhehadread，seen，learned，done，andunderstoodinthewholecourseofthatday。
ThenprayedtheyuntoGodtheCreator，infallingdownbeforehim，andstrengtheningtheirfaithtowardshim，andglorifyinghimforhisboundlessbounty；and，givingthanksuntohimforthetimethatwaspast，theyrecommendedthemselvestohisdivineclemencyforthefuture。Whichbeingdone，theywenttobed，andbetookthemselvestotheirreposeandrest。