Inthosequalitiesoftheheartwhichbegetaffectioninallsortsandconditionsofmenshewasrich,surprisinglyrich,andforthisshewillstillberememberedandreveredinthefar—offageswhenthepoliticalgloriesofherreignshallhavefadedfromvitalhistoryandfallentoaplaceinthatscrap—heapofunverifiableoddsandendswhichwecalltradition。Whichistosay,inbrieferphrase,thathernamewilllivealways。Andwithithercharacter—afamerareinthehistoryofthrones,dominions,principalities,andpowers,sinceitwillnotrestuponharvestedselfishandsordidambitions,butuponlove,earnedandfreelyvouchsafed。Shemendedbrokenheartswhereshecould,butshebrokenone。
WhatshedidforusinAmericainourtimeofstormandstressweshallnotforget,andwheneverwecallittomindweshallalwaysrememberthewiseandrighteousmindthatguidedherinitandsustainedandsupportedher—PrinceAlbert\'s。Weneednottalkanyidletalkhereto—nightabouteitherpossibleorimpossiblewarbetweenthetwocountries;therewillbenowarwhileweremainsaneandthesonofVictoriaandAlbertsitsuponthethrone。Inconclusion,IbelieveImayjustlyclaimtoutterthevoiceofmycountryinsayingthatweholdhimindeephonor,andalsoincordiallywishinghimalonglifeandahappyreign。
JOANOFARC。
ADDRESSATTHEDINNEROFTHESOCIETYOFILLUSTRATORS,GIVENATTHEALDINEASSOCIATIONCLUB,DECEMBER22,1905。
JustbeforeMr。Clemensmadehisspeech,ayoungwomanattiredasJoanofArc,withapagebearingherflagofbattle,courtesiedreverentlyandtenderedMr。Clemensalaurelwreathonasatinpillow。
Hetriedtospeak,buthisvoicefailedfromexcessofemotion。\"I
thankyou！\"hefinallyexclaimed,and,pullinghimselftogether,hebeganhisspeech。
NOWthereisanillustration[pointingtotheretreatingJoanofArc]。ThatisexactlywhatIwanted—preciselywhatIwanted—whenI
wasdescribingtomyselfJoanofArc,afterstudyingherhistoryandhercharacterfortwelveyearsdiligently。
Thatwastheproduct—nottheconventionalJoanofArc。WhereveryoufindtheconventionalJoanofArcinhistorysheisanoffencetoanybodywhoknowsthestoryofthatwonderfulgirl。
Why,shewas—shewasalmostsupremeinseveraldetails。Shehadamarvellousintellect;shehadagreatheart,hadanoblespirit,wasabsolutelypureinhercharacter,herfeeling,herlanguage,herwords,hereverything—shewasonlyeighteenyearsold。
Nowputthatheartintosuchabreast—eighteenyearsold—andgiveitthatmasterlyintellectwhichshowedinthefate,andfurnishitwiththatalmostgod—likespirit,andwhatareyougoingtohave？TheconventionalJoanofArc？Notbyanymeans。Thatisimpossible。Icannotcomprehendanysuchthingasthat。
Youmusthaveacreaturelikethatyoungandfairandbeautifulgirlwejustsaw。Andherspiritmustlookoutoftheeyes。Thefigureshouldbe—thefigureshouldbeinharmonywithallthat,but,oh,whatwegetintheconventionalpicture,anditisalwaystheconventionalpicture！
Ihopeyouwillallowmetosaythatyourguild,whenyoutaketheconventional,youhavegotitatsecond—hand。Certainly,ifyouhadstudiedandstudied,thenyoumighthavesomethingelseasaresult,butwhenyouhavethecommonconventionyousticktothat。
Youcannotprevailupontheartisttodoit;healwaysgivesyouaJoanofArc—thatlovelycreaturethatstartedagreatcareeratthirteen,butwhosegreatnessarrivedwhenshewaseighteen;andmerelybecauseshewasagirlhecannotseethedivinityinher,andsohepaintsapeasant,acoarseandlubberlyfigure—thefigureofacotton—bale,andheclothesthatinthecoarsestraimentofthepeasantregion—justlikeafish—woman,herhaircroppedshortlikeaRussianpeasant,andthatfaceofhers,whichshouldbebeautifulandwhichshouldradiatealltheglorieswhichareinthespiritandinherheart—thatexpressioninthatfaceisalwaysjustthefixedexpressionofaham。
ButnowMr。Beardhasintimatedamomentago,andsohasSirPurdon—Clarkealso,thattheartist,theillustrator,doesnotoftengettheideaofthemanwhosebookheisillustrating。HereisaveryremarkableinstanceoftheotherthinginMr。Beard,whoillustratedabookofmine。Youmayneverhaveheardofit。Iwilltellyouaboutitnow—AYankeeinKingArthur\'sCourt。
Now,BeardgoteverythingthatIputintothatbookandalittlemorebesides。ThosepicturesofBeard\'sinthatbook—oh,fromthefirstpagetothelastisonevastsardoniclaughatthetrivialities,theservilitiesofourpoorhumanrace,andalsoattheprofessionsandtheinsolenceofpriest—craftandking—craft—thosecreaturesthatmakeslavesofthemselvesandhavenotthemanlinesstoshakeitoff。Beardputitallinthatbook。Imeantittobethere。IputalotofitthereandBeardputtherest。
ThatpublisherofmineinHartfordhadaneyeforthepennies,andhesavedthem。Hedidnotwasteanyontheillustrations。Hehadaverygoodartist—Williams—whohadnevertakenalessonindrawing。
Everythinghedidwasoriginal。Thepublisherhiredthecheapestwood—engraverhecouldfind,andinmyearlybooksyoucanseeatraceofthat。YoucanseethatifWilliamshadhadachancehewouldhavemadesomeverygoodpictures。Hehadagoodheartandgoodintentions。
Ihadacharacterinthefirstbookheillustrated—TheInnocentsAbroad。Thatwasaboyseventeenoreighteenyearsold—JackVanNostrand—aNewYorkboy,who,tomymind,wasaveryremarkablecreature。HeandItriedtogetWilliamstounderstandthatboy,andmakeapictureofJackthatwouldbeworthyofJack。
Jackwasamostsingularcombination。HewasbornandrearedinNewYorkhere。Hewasasdelicateinhisfeelings,ascleanandpureandrefinedinhisfeelingsasanylovelygirlthateverwas,butwheneverheexpressedafeelinghediditinBoweryslang,anditwasamostcuriouscombination—thatdelicacyofhisandthatapparentcoarseness。TherewasnocoarsenessinsideofJackatall,andJack,inthecourseofseventeenoreighteenyears,hadacquiredacapitalofignorancethatwasmarvellous—ignoranceofvariousthings,notofallthings。Forinstance,hedidnotknowanythingabouttheBible。
HehadneverbeeninSunday—school。JackgotmoreoutoftheHolyLandthananybodyelse,becausetheothersknewwhattheywereexpecting,butitwasalandofsurprisestohim。
Isaidinthebookthatwefoundhimwatchingaturtleonalog,stoningthatturtle,andhewasstoningthatturtlebecausehehadreadthat\"Thesongoftheturtlewasheardintheland,\"andthisturtlewouldn\'tsing。Itsoundedabsurd,butitwaschargedonJackasafact,andashewentalongthroughthatcountryhehadaproperfoilinanoldrebelcolonel,whowassuperintendentandheadengineerinalargeSunday—schoolinWheeling,WestVirginia。Thatmanwasfullofenthusiasmwhereverhewent,andwouldstandanddeliverhimselfofspeeches,andJackwouldlistentothosespeechesofthecolonelandwonder。
Jackhadmadeatripasachildalmostacrossthiscontinentinthefirstoverlandstage—coach。Thatman\'snamewhoranthatlineofstages—well,Ideclarethatnameisgone。Well,nameswillgo。
Halliday—ah,that\'sthename—BenHalliday,youruncle[turningtoMr。Carnegie]。Thatwasthefellow—BenHalliday—andJackwasfullofadmirationattheprodigiousspeedthatthatlineofstagesmade—
anditwasgoodspeed—onehundredandtwenty—fivemilesaday,goingdayandnight,anditwastheeventofJack\'slife,andthereattheFordsoftheJordanthecolonelwasinspiredtoaspeech（hewasalwaysmakingaspeech）,sohecalledusuptohim。Hecalledupfivesinnersandthreesaints。IthasbeenonlylatelythatMr。
Carnegiebeatifiedme。Andhesaid:\"HerearetheFordsoftheJordan—
amonumentalplace。Atthisverypoint,whenMosesbroughtthechildrenofIsraelthrough—hebroughtthechildrenofIsraelfromEgyptthroughthedesertyouseethere—heguardedthemthroughthatdesertpatiently,patientlyduringfortyyears,andbroughtthemtothisspotsafeandsound。Thereyousee—thereisthesceneofwhatMosesdid。\"
AndJacksaid:\"Moseswho？\"
\"Oh,\"hesays,\"Jack,yououghtnottoaskthat！Moses,thegreatlaw—giver！Moses,thegreatpatriot！Moses,thegreatwarrior！
Moses,thegreatguide,who,asItellyou,broughtthesepeoplethroughthesethreehundredmilesofsandinfortyyears,andlandedthemsafeandsound。\"
Jacksaid:\"There\'snothin\'inthatthreehundredmilesinfortyyears。BenHallidaywouldhavesnaked\'emthroughinthirty—sixhours。\"
Well,IwasspeakingofJack\'sinnocence,anditwasbeautiful。Jackwasnotignorantonallsubjects。ThatboywasadeepstudentinthehistoryofAnglo—Saxonliberty,andhewasapatriotallthewaythroughtothemarrow。Therewasasubjectthatinterestedhimallthetime。OthersubjectswereofnoconcerntoJack,butthatquaint,inscrutableinnocenceofhisIcouldnotgetWilliamstoputintothepicture。
Yes,Williamswantedtodoit。Hesaid:\"Iwillmakehimasinnocentasavirgin。\"Hethoughtamoment,andthensaid,\"Iwillmakehimasinnocentasanunbornvirgin,\"whichcoveredtheground。
IwasremindedofJackbecauseIcameacrossaletterto—daywhichisoverthirtyyearsoldthatJackwrote。Jackwasdoomedtoconsumption。Hewasverylongandslim,poorcreature,andinayearortwoafterhegotbackfromthatexcursiontotheHolyLandhewentonarideonhorsebackthroughColorado,andhedidnotlastbutayearortwo。
Hewrotethisletter,nottome,buttoafriendofmine,andhesaid:\"Ihaveriddenhorseback\"—thiswasthreeyearsafter—\"Ihaveriddenhorsebackfourhundredmilesthroughadesertcountrywhereyouneverseeanythingbutcattlenowandthen,andnowandthenacattlestation—tenmilesapart,twentymilesapart。NowyoutellClemensthatinallthatstretchoffourhundredmilesIhaveseenonlytwobooks—theBibleandInnocentsAbroad。TellClemenstheBiblewasinaverygoodcondition。\"
Isaythathehadstudied,andhehad,therealSaxonliberty,theacquirementofourliberty,andJackusedtorepeatsomeverses—I
don\'tknowwheretheycamefrom,butIthoughtofthemto—daywhenI
sawthatletter—thatthatboycouldhavebeentalkingofhimselfinthosequotedlinesfromthatunknownpoet:
\"ForhehadsatatSidney\'sfeetAndwalkedwithhiminplainapart,AndthroughthecenturiesheardthebeatOfFreedom\'smarchthroughCromwell\'sheart。\"
Andhewasthatkindofaboy。Heshouldhavelived,andyetheshouldnothavelived,becausehediedatthatearlyage—hecouldn\'thavebeenmorethantwenty—hehadseenalltherewastoseeintheworldthatwasworththetroubleoflivinginit;hehadseenallofthisworldthatisvaluable;hehadseenallofthisworldthatwasillusion,andillusionistheonlyvaluablethinginit。Hehadarrivedatthatpointwherepresentlytheillusionswouldceaseandhewouldhaveenteredupontherealitiesoflife,andGodhelpthemanthathasarrivedatthatpoint。
ACCIDENTINSURANCE—ETC。
DELIVEREDINHARTFORD,ATADINNERTO
CORNELIUSWALFORD,OFLONDON。
GENTLEMEN,—Iamglad,indeed,toassistinwelcomingthedistinguishedguestofthisoccasiontoacitywhosefameasaninsurancecentrehasextendedtoalllands,andgivenusthenameofbeingaquadruplebandofbrothersworkingsweetlyhandinhand—theColt\'sarmscompanymakingthedestructionofourraceeasyandconvenient,ourlife—insurancecitizenspayingforthevictimswhentheypassaway,Mr。Battersonperpetuatingtheirmemorywithhisstatelymonuments,andourfire—insurancecomradestakingcareoftheirhereafter。Iamgladtoassistinwelcomingourguest—first,becauseheisanEnglishman,andIoweaheavydebtofhospitalitytocertainofhisfellow—countrymen;andsecondly,becauseheisinsympathywithinsurance,andhasbeenthemeansofmakingmanyothermencasttheirsympathiesinthesamedirection。
Certainlythereisnonoblerfieldforhumaneffortthantheinsurancelineofbusiness—especiallyaccidentinsurance。EversinceIhavebeenadirectorinanaccident—insurancecompanyIhavefeltthatIamabetterman。Lifehasseemedmoreprecious。
Accidentshaveassumedakindlieraspect。Distressingspecialprovidenceshavelosthalftheirhorror。Ilookuponacripplenowwithaffectionateinterest—asanadvertisement。Idonotseemtocareforpoetryanymore。Idonotcareforpoliticsevenagriculturedoesnotexciteme。Buttomenowthereisacharmaboutarailwaycollisionthatisunspeakable。
Thereisnothingmorebeneficentthanaccidentinsurance。Ihaveseenanentirefamilyliftedoutofpovertyandintoaffluencebythesimpleboonofabrokenleg。Ihavehadpeoplecometomeoncrutches,withtearsintheireyes,toblessthisbeneficentinstitution。Inallmyexperienceoflife,Ihaveseennothingsoseraphicasthelookthatcomesintoafreshlymutilatedman\'sfacewhenhefeelsinhisvestpocketwithhisremaininghandandfindshisaccidentticketallright。AndIhaveseennothingsosadasthelookthatcameintoanothersplinteredcustomer\'sfacewhenhefoundhecouldn\'tcollectonawoodenleg。
Iwillremarkhere,bywayofadvertisement,thatthatnoblecharitywhichwehavenamedtheHARTFORDACCIDENTINSURANCECOMPANY*isaninstitutionwhichispeculiarlytobedependedupon。Amanisboundtoprosperwhogivesithiscustom。Nomancantakeoutapolicyinitandnotgetcrippledbeforetheyearisout。Nowtherewasoneindigentmanwhohadbeendisappointedsooftenwithothercompaniesthathehadgrowndisheartened,hisappetitelefthim,heceasedtosmile—saidlifewasbutaweariness。ThreeweeksagoIgothimtoinsurewithus,andnowheisthebrightest,happiestspiritinthisland—hasagoodsteadyincomeandastylishsuitofnewbandageseveryday,andtravelsaroundonashutter。
*Thespeakerwasadirectorofthecompanynamed。
Iwillsay,inconclusion,thatmyshareofthewelcometoourguestisnonethelessheartybecauseItalksomuchnonsense,andIknowthatIcansaythesamefortherestofthespeakers。
OSTEOPATHY
OSTEOPATHY。
OnFebruary27,1901,Mr。ClemensappearedbeforetheAssemblyCommitteeinAlbany,NewYork,infavoroftheSeymourbilllegalizingthepracticeofosteopathy。
MR。CHAIRMANANDGENTLEMEN,—Dr。VanFleetisthegentlemanwhogavemethecharacter。Ihaveheardmycharacterdiscussedathousandtimesbeforeyouwereborn,sir,andshowntheiniquitiesinit,andyoudidnotgetmorethanhalfofthem。
Iwastouchedanddistressedwhentheybroughtthatpartofachildinhere,andprovedthatyoucannottakeachildtopiecesinthatway。Whatremarkablenamesthosediseaseshave！Itmakesmeenviousofthemanthathasthemall。Ihavehadmanydiseases,andamthankfulforallIhavehad。
OneofthegentlemenspokeoftheknowledgeofsomethingelsefoundinSweden,atreatmentwhichItook。Itis,Isuppose,akindredthing。Thereisapparentlynogreatdifferencebetweenthem。IwasayearandahalfinLondonandSweden,inthehandsofthatgrandoldman,Mr。Kildren。
Icannotcallhimadoctor,forhehasnottheauthoritytogiveacertificateifapatientshoulddie,butfortunatelytheydon\'t。
TheStatestandsasamightyGibraltarclothedwithpower。Itstandsbetweenmeandmybody,andtellsmewhatkindofadoctorImustemploy。WhenmysoulissickunlimitedspirituallibertyisgivenmebytheState。Nowthen,itdoesn\'tseemlogicalthattheStateshalldepartfromthisgreatpolicy,thehealthofthesoul,andchangeaboutandtaketheotherpositioninthematterofsmallerconsequence—thehealthofthebody。
TheBellbilllimitationswoulddrivetheosteopathsoutoftheState。Oh,dearme！whenyoudrivesomebodyoutoftheStateyoucreatethesameconditionasprevailedintheGardenofEden。Youwantthethingthatyoucan\'thave。Ididn\'tcaremuchabouttheosteopaths,butassoonasIfoundtheyweregoingtodrivethemoutI
gotinastateofuneasiness,andIcan\'tsleepnightsnow。
IknowhowAdamfeltintheGardenofEdenabouttheprohibitedapple。Adamdidn\'twanttheappletillhefoundouthecouldn\'thaveit,justashewouldhavewantedosteopathyifhecouldn\'thaveit。
Whosepropertyismybody？Probablymine。Isoregardit。IfI
experimentwithit,whomustbeanswerable？I,nottheState。IfI
chooseinjudiciously,doestheStatedie？Ohno。
Iwasthesubjectofmymother\'sexperiment。Shewaswise。Shemadeexperimentscautiously。Shedidn\'tpickoutjustanychildintheflock。No,shechosejudiciously。Shechoseoneshecouldspare,andshecouldn\'tsparetheothers。Iwasthechoicechildoftheflock,soIhadtotakealloftheexperiments。
In1844Kneippfilledtheworldwiththewonderofthewatercure。
Motherwantedtotryit,butonsobersecondthoughtsheputmethrough。Abucketofice—waterwaspouredovertoseetheeffect。ThenIwasrubbeddownwithflannels,asheetwasdippedinthewater,andIwasputtobed。Iperspiredsomuchthatmotherputalife—preservertobedwithme。
Butthishadnothingbutaspiritualeffectonme,andIdidn\'tcareforthat。Whentheytookoffthesheetitwasyellowfromtheoutputofmyconscience,theexudationofsin。Itpurifiedmespiritually,anditremainsuntilthisday。
Ihaveexperimentedwithosteopathyandallopathy。Itookachanceatthelatterforoldtimes\'sake,for,threetimes,whenaboy,mother\'snewmethodsgotmesoneardeath\'sdoorshehadtocallinthefamilyphysiciantopullmeout。
Thephysiciansthinktheyaremovedbyregardforthebestinterestsofthepublic。Isn\'ttherealittletouchofself—interestbackofitall？Itseemstomethereis,andIdon\'tclaimtohaveallthevirtues—onlynineortenofthem。
Iwasborninthe\"BannerState,\"andby\"BannerState\"ImeanMissouri。OsteopathywasborninthesameState,andbothofusaregettingalongreasonablywell。Atatimeduringmyyoungerdaysmyattentionwasattractedtoapictureofahousewhichboretheinscription,\"ChristDisputingwiththeDoctors。\"
IcouldattachnoothermeaningtoitthanthatChristwasactuallyquarrellingwiththedoctors。SoIaskedanoldslave,whowasasortofaherbdoctorinasmallway—unlicensed,ofcourse—
whatthemeaningofthepicturewas。\"Whathashedone？\"Iasked。
Andthecoloredmanreplied:
\"Humph,heain\'tgotnolicense。\"
WATER—SUPPLY。
Mr。ClemensvisitedAlbanyonFebruary27and28,1901。Theprivilegesofthefloorweregrantedtohim,andhewasaskedtomakeashortaddresstotheSenate。
MR。PRESIDENTANDGENTLEMEN,—Idonotknowhowtothankyousufficientlyforthishighhonorwhichyouareconferringuponme。I
haveforthesecondtimenowenjoyedthiskindofprodigalhospitality—intheotherHouseyesterday,to—dayinthisone。Iamamodestman,anddiffidentaboutappearingbeforelegislativebodies,andyetutterlyandentirelyappreciativeofacourtesylikethiswhenitisextendedtome,andIthankyouverymuchforit。
IfIhadtheprivilege,whichunfortunatelyIhavenotgot,ofsuggestingthingstothelegislatorsinmyindividualcapacity,I
wouldsoenjoytheopportunitythatIwouldnotchargeanythingforitatall。Iwoulddothatwithoutasalary。Iwouldgivethemthebenefitofmywisdomandexperienceinlegislativebodies,andifI
couldhavehadtheprivilegeforafewminutesofgivingadvicetotheotherHouseIshouldhavelikedto,butofcourseIcouldnotundertakeit,astheydidnotaskmetodoit—butiftheyhadonlyaskedme！
NowthattheHouseisconsideringameasurewhichistofurnishawater—supplytothecityofNewYork,why,permitmetosayIliveinNewYorkmyself。Iknowallaboutitsways,itsdesires,anditsresidents,and—ifIhadtheprivilege—IshouldhaveurgedthemnottowearythemselvesoverameasurelikethattofurnishwatertothecityofNewYork,forweneverdrinkit。
ButIwillnotventuretoadvisethisbody,asIonlyventuretoadvisebodieswhoarenotpresent。
MISTAKENIDENTITY。
ADDRESSATTHEANNUAL\"LADIES\'DAY,\"
PAPYRUSCLUB,BOSTON。
LADIESANDGENTLEMEN,—Iamperfectlyastonished—
a—s—t—o—n—i—s—h—e—d—ladiesandgentlemen—astonishedatthewayhistoryrepeatsitself。IfindmyselfsituatedatthismomentexactlyandpreciselyasIwasoncebefore,yearsago,toajot,toatittle—toaveryhair。Thereisn\'tashadeofdifference。Itisthemostastonishingcoincidencethatever—butwait。Iwilltellyoutheformerinstance,andthenyouwillseeitforyourself。YearsagoIarrivedonedayatSalamanca,NewYork,eastwardbound;mustchangecarsthereandtakethesleepertrain。Therewerecrowdsofpeoplethere,andtheywereswarmingintothelongsleepertrainandpackingitfull,anditwasaperfectpurgatoryofdustandconfusionandgrittingofteethandsoft,sweet,andlowprofanity。
Iaskedtheyoungmanintheticket—officeifIcouldhaveasleeping—section,andheanswered\"No,\"withasnarlthatshrivelledmeuplikeburnedleather。Iwentoff,smartingunderthisinsulttomydignity,andaskedanotherlocalofficial,supplicatingly,ifI
couldn\'thavesomepoorlittlecornersomewhereinasleeping—car;buthecutmeshortwithavenomous\"No,youcan\'t;everycornerisfull。Now,don\'tbothermeanymore\";andheturnedhisbackandwalkedoff。Mydignitywasinastatenowwhichcannotbedescribed。I
wassoruffledthat—well,Isaidtomycompanion,\"IfthesepeopleknewwhoIamthey—\"Butmycompanioncutmeshortthere—\"Don\'ttalksuchfolly,\"hesaid;\"iftheydidknowwhoyouare,doyousupposeitwouldhelpyourhigh—mightinesstoavacancyinatrainwhichhasnovacanciesinit？\"
Thisdidnotimprovemyconditionanytospeakof,butjustthenI
observedthatthecoloredporterofasleeping—carhadhiseyeonme。Isawhisdarkcountenancelightup。Hewhisperedtotheuniformedconductor,punctuatingwithnodsandjerkstowardme,andstraightwaythisconductorcameforward,oozingpolitenessfromeverypore。
\"CanIbeofanyservicetoyou？\"heasked。\"Willyouhaveaplaceinthesleeper？\"
\"Yes,\"Isaid,\"andmuchobligeme,too。Givemeanything—
anythingwillanswer。\"
\"Wehavenothingleftbutthebigfamilystateroom,\"hecontinued,\"withtwoberthsandacoupleofarm—chairsinit,butitisentirelyatyourdisposal。Here,Tom,takethesesatchelsaboard！\"
ThenhetouchedhishatandweandthecoloredTommovedalong。I
wasburstingtodropjustonelittleremarktomycompanion,butI
heldinandwaited。Tommadeuscomfortableinthatsumptuousgreatapartment,andthensaid,withmanybowsandaperfectaffluenceofsmiles:
\"Now,isdeyanythingyouwant,sah？Caseyoukinhavejes\'anythingyouwants。Itdon\'tmakenodifferencewhatitis。\"
\"CanIhavesomehotwaterandatumbleratnineto—night—blazinghot？\"Iasked。\"YouknowabouttherighttemperatureforahotScotchpunch？\"
\"Yes,sah,datyoukin;youkinpenonit;I\'llgetitmyself。\"
\"Good！Now,thatlampishungtoohigh。CanIhaveabigcoachcandlefixedupjustattheheadofmybed,sothatIcanreadcomfortably？\"
\"Yes,sah,youkin;I\'llfixherupmyself,an\'I\'llfixhersoshe\'llburnallnight。Yes,sah;an\'youcanjes\'callforanythingyouwant,anddishyerwholerailroad\'llbeturnedwrongendupan\'
insideoutfortogetitforyou。Dat\'sso。\"Andhedisappeared。
Well,Itiltedmyheadback,hookedmythumbsinmyarmholes,smiledasmileonmycompanion,andsaid,gently:
\"Well,whatdoyousaynow？\"
Mycompanionwasnotinthehumortorespond,anddidn\'t。Thenextmomentthatsmilingblackfacewasthrustinatthecrackofthedoor,andthisspeechfollowed:
\"Lawsblessyou,sah,Iknowedyouinaminute。Itolddeconductahso。Laws！IknowedyoudeminuteIsoteyesonyou。\"
\"Isthatso,myboy？\"（Handinghimaquadruplefee。）\"WhoamI？\"
\"JenuelMcClellan,\"andhedisappearedagain。
Mycompanionsaid,vinegarishly,\"Well,well！whatdoyousaynow？\"RighttherecomesinthemarvellouscoincidenceImentionedawhileago—viz。,Iwasspeechless,andthatismyconditionnow。
Perceiveit？
CATSANDCANDY。
ThefollowingaddresswasdeliveredatasocialmeetingofliterarymeninNewYorkin1874:
WHENIwasfourteenIwaslivingwithmyparents,whowereverypoor—andcorrespondentlyhonest。WehadayouthlivingwithusbythenameofJimWolfe。Hewasanexcellentfellow,seventeenyearsold,andverydiffident。HeandIslepttogether—virtuously;andonebitterwinter\'snightacousinMary—she\'smarriednowandgone—
gavewhattheycallacandy—pullinginthosedaysintheWest,andtheytookthesaucersofhotcandyoutsideofthehouseintothesnow,underasortofoldbowerthatcamefromtheeaves—itwasasortofanellthen,allcoveredwithvines—tocoolthishotcandyinthesnow,andtheywereallsittingthere。Inthemeantimeweweregonetobed。Wewerenotinvitedtoattendthisparty;weweretooyoung。
Theyoungladiesandgentlemenwereassembledthere,andJimandI
wereinbed。Therewasaboutfourinchesofsnowontheroofofthisell,andourwindowslookedoutonit,anditwasfrozenhard。A
coupleoftom—cats—itispossibleonemighthavebeenoftheoppositesex—wereassembledonthechimneyinthemiddleofthisell,andtheyweregrowlingatafearfulrate,andswitchingtheirtailsaboutandgoingon,andwecouldn\'tsleepatall。
FinallyJimsaid,\"FortwocentsI\'dgooutandsnakethemcatsoffthatchimney。\"SoIsaid,\"Ofcourseyouwould。\"Hesaid,\"Well,I
would;Ihaveamightygoodnotiontodoit。\"SaysI,\"Ofcourseyouhave;certainlyyouhave,youhaveagreatnotiontodoit。\"Ihopedhemighttryit,butIwasafraidhewouldn\'t。
FinallyIdidgethisambitionup,andheraisedthewindowandclimbedoutontheicyroof,withnothingonbuthissocksandaveryshortshirt。Hewentclimbingalongonallfoursontherooftowardthechimneywherethecatswere。Inthemeantimetheseyoungladiesandgentlemenwereenjoyingthemselvesdownundertheeaves,andwhenJimgotalmosttothatchimneyhemadeapassatthecats,andhisheelsflewupandheshotdownandcrashedthroughthosevines,andlitinthemidstoftheladiesandgentlemen,andsatdowninthosehotsaucersofcandy。
Therewasastampede,ofcourse,andhecameup—stairsdroppingpiecesofchinawareandcandyallthewayup,andwhenhegotupthere—nowanybodyintheworldwouldhavegoneintoprofanityorsomethingcalculatedtorelievethemind,buthedidn\'t;hescrapedthecandyoffhislegs,nursedhisblistersalittle,andsaid,\"I
couldhaveketchedthemcatsifIhadhadonagoodready。\"
OBITUARYPOETRY。
ADDRESSATTHEACTORS\'FUNDFAIR,PHILADELPHIA,in1895。
LADIESANDGENTLEMEN,—The—er—this—er—welcomeoccasiongivesmean—er—opportunitytomakean—er—explanationthatIhavelongdesiredtodelivermyselfof。IrisetothehighesthonorsbeforeaPhiladelphiaaudience。InthecourseofmycheckeredcareerIhave,ondiversoccasions,beencharged—er—maliciouslywithamoreorlessseriousoffence。Itisinreplytooneofthemore—er—importantofthesethatIwishtospeak。MorethanonceIhavebeenaccusedofwritingobituarypoetryinthePhiladelphiaLedger。
Iwishrightheretodenythatdreadfulassertion。Iwilladmitthatonce,whenacompositorintheLedgerestablishment,Ididsetupsomeofthatpoetry,butforaworseoffencethanthatnoindictmentcanbefoundagainstme。Ididnotwritethatpoetry—atleast,notallofit。
CIGARSANDTOBACCO。
MYfriendsforsomeyearsnowhaveremarkedthatIamaninveterateconsumeroftobacco。Thatistrue,butmyhabitswithregardtotobaccohavechanged。Ihavenodoubtthatyouwillsay,whenIhaveexplainedtoyouwhatmypresentpurposeis,thatmytastehasdeteriorated,butIdonotsoregardit。
WheneverIheldasmoking—partyatmyhouse,Ifoundthatmyguestshadalwaysjusttakenthepledge。
Letmetellyoubrieflythehistoryofmypersonalrelationtotobacco。Itbegan,Ithink,whenIwasalad,andtooktheformofaquid,whichIbecameexpertintuckingundermytongue。AfterwardI
learnedthedelightsofthepipe,andIsupposetherewasnootheryoungsterofmyagewhocouldmoredeftlycutplugtobaccosoastomakeitavailableforpipe—smoking。
Well,timeranon,andtherecameatimewhenIwasabletogratifyoneofmyyouthfulambitions—IcouldbuythechoicestHavanacigarswithoutseriouslyinterferingwithmyincome。Ismokedagoodmany,changingofffromtheHavanacigarstothepipeinthecourseofaday\'ssmoking。