TheymustnotclaimcreditinAmericaforwhatwasreallywritteninanotherformsolongago。TheymustonlyclaimthatItrimmedthis,that,andtheother,andsochangedtheirappearanceastomakethemseemtobeoriginal。YounowseewhatmodestyIhaveinstock。Butithastakenlongpracticetogetitthere。
ButImustnotstandheretalking。Imerelymeanttogetupandgivemythanksforthepleasantthingsthatprecedingspeakershavesaidofme。IwishalsotoextendmythankstotheAuthors\'Clubforconstitutingmeamember,atareasonablepriceperyear,andforgivingmethebenefitofyourlegaladviser。
Ibelieveyoukeepalawyer。Ihavealwayskeptalawyer,too,thoughIhavenevermadeanythingoutofhim。Itisservicetoanauthortohavealawyer。Thereissomethingsodisagreeableinhavingapersonalcontactwithapublisher。Soitisbettertoworkthroughalawyer—andloseyourcase。Iunderstandthatthepublishershavebeenmeetingtogetheralsolikeus。Idon\'tknowwhatfor,butpossiblytheyaredevisingnewandmysteriouswaysforremuneratingauthors。Ionlywishnowtothankyouforelectingmeamemberofthisclub—IbelieveIhavepaidmydues—andtothankyouagainforthepleasantthingsyouhavesaidofme。
LastFebruary,whenRudyardKiplingwasillinAmerica,thesympathywhichwaspouredouttohimwasgenuineandsincere,andIbelievethatwhichcostKiplingsomuchwillbringEnglandandAmericaclosertogether。Ihavebeenproudandpleasedtoseethisgrowingaffectionandrespectbetweenthetwocountries。Ihopeitwillcontinuetogrow,and,pleaseGod,itwillcontinuetogrow。Itrustweauthorswillleavetoposterity,ifwehavenothingelsetoleave,afriendshipbetweenEnglandandAmericathatwillcountformuch。IwillnowconfessthatIhavebeenengagedforthepasteightdaysincompilingapublication。Ihavebroughtitheretolayatyourfeet。Idonotaskyourindulgenceinpresentingit,butforyourapplause。
Hereitis:\"SinceEnglandandAmericamaybejoinedtogetherinKipling,maytheynotbeseveredin\'Twain。\'\"
BOOKSELLERS
BOOKSELLERS。
AddressatbanquetonWednesdayevening,May20,1908,oftheAmericanBooksellers\'Association,whichincludedmostoftheleadingbooksellersofAmerica,heldattheroomsoftheAldineAssociation,NewYork。
THISannualgatheringofbooksellersfromalloverAmericacomestogetherostensiblytoeatanddrink,butreallytodiscussbusiness;thereforeIamrequiredtotalkshop。IamrequiredtofurnishastatementoftheindebtednessunderwhichIlietoyougentlemenforyourhelpinenablingwetoearnmyliving。ForsomethingoverfortyyearsIhaveacquiredmybreadbyprint,beginningwithTheInnocentsAbroad,followedatintervalsofayearorsobyRoughingIt,TomSawyer,GildedAge,andsoon。Forthirty—sixyearsmybooksweresoldbysubscription。Youarenotinterestedinthoseyears,butonlyinthefourwhichhavesincefollowed。Thebookspassedintothehandsofmypresentpublishersatthebeginningof1904,andyouthenbecametheprovidersofmydiet。IthinkImaysay,withoutflatteringyou,thatyouhavedoneexceedinglywellbyme。Exceedinglywellisnottoostrongaphrase,sincetheofficialstatisticsshowthatinfouryearsyouhavesoldtwiceasmanyvolumesofmyvenerablebooksasmycontractwithmypublishersboundyouandthemtosellinfiveyears。Toyoursorrowyouareawarethatfrequently,muchtoofrequently,whenabookgetstobefiveortenyearsolditsannualsaleshrinkstotwoorthreehundredcopies,andafteranaddedtenortwentyyearsceasestosell。
Butyousellthousandsofmymoss—backedoldbookseveryyear—theyoungestofthembeingbooksthatrangefromfifteentotwenty—sevenyearsold,andtheoldestreachingbacktothirty—fiveandforty。
Bythetermsofmycontractmypublishershadtoaccounttomefor50,000volumesperyearforfiveyears,andpaymeforthemwhethertheysoldthemornot。Itisatthispointthatyougentlemencomein,foritwasyourbusinesstounload250,000volumesuponthepublicinfiveyearsifyoupossiblycould。Haveyousucceeded？Yes,youhave—andmore。Forinfouryears,withayearstilltospare,youhavesoldthe250,000volumes,and240,000besides。
Yoursaleshaveincreasedeachyear。Inthefirstyearyousold90,328,inthesecondyear,104,851;inthethird,133,975;inthefourthyear—whichwaslastyear—yousold160,000。Theaggregateforthefouryearsis500,000volumeslacking11,000。
Oftheoldestbook,TheInnocentsAbroad,—nowfortyyearsold—
yousoldupwardof46,000copiesinthefouryears;ofRoughingIt—
nowthirty—eightyearsold,Ithink—yousold40,334;ofTomSawyer,41,000。Andsoon。
Andthereisonethingthatispeculiarlygratifyingtome:thePersonalRecollectionsofJoanofArcisaseriousbook;Iwroteitforlove,andneverexpectedittosell,butyouhavepleasantlydisappointedmeinthatmatter。Inyouthhandsitssalehasincreasedeachyear。In1904yousold1726copies;in1905,2445;in1906,5381;andlastyear,6574。
\"MARKTWAIN\'SFIRSTAPPEARANCE。\"
OnOctober5,1906,Mr。Clemens,followingamusicalrecitalbyhisdaughterinNorfolk,Conn。,addressedheraudienceonthesubjectofstage—fright。Hethankedthepeopleformakingthingsaseasyaspossibleforhisdaughter\'sAmericandebutasacontralto,andthentoldofhisfirstexperiencebeforethepublic。
MYheartgoesoutinsympathytoanyonewhoismakinghisfirstappearancebeforeanaudienceofhumanbeings。ByadirectprocessofmemoryIgobackfortyyears,lessonemonth—forI\'molderthanIlook。
Irecalltheoccasionofmyfirstappearance。SanFranciscoknewmethenonlyasareporter,andIwastomakemybowtoSanFranciscoasalecturer。Iknewthatnothingshortofcompulsionwouldgetmetothetheatre。SoIboundmyselfbyahard—and—fastcontractsothatIcouldnotescape。Igottothetheatreforty—fiveminutesbeforethehoursetforthelecture。MykneeswereshakingsothatI
didn\'tknowwhetherIcouldstandup。Ifthereisanawful,horriblemaladyintheworld,itisstage—fright—andsea—sickness。Theyareapair。Ihadstage—frightthenforthefirstandlasttime。Iwasonlyseasickonce,too。Itwasonalittleshiponwhichthereweretwohundredotherpassengers。I—was—sick。Iwassosickthattherewasn\'tanyleftforthoseothertwohundredpassengers。
Itwasdarkandlonelybehindthescenesinthattheatre,andI
peekedthroughthelittlepeek—holestheyhaveintheatrecurtainsandlookedintothebigauditorium。Thatwasdarkandempty,too。
By—and—byitlightedup,andtheaudiencebegantoarrive。
Ihadgotanumberoffriendsofmine,stalwartmen,tosprinklethemselvesthroughtheaudiencearmedwithbigclubs。EverytimeI
saidanythingtheycouldpossiblyguessIintendedtobefunnytheyweretopoundthoseclubsonthefloor。Thentherewasakindladyinaboxupthere,alsoagoodfriendofmine,thewifeoftheGovernor。Shewastowatchmeintently,andwheneverIglancedtowardhershewasgoingtodeliveragubernatoriallaughthatwouldleadthewholeaudienceintoapplause。
AtlastIbegan。IhadthemanuscripttuckedunderaUnitedStatesflaginfrontofmewhereIcouldgetatitincaseofneed。ButI
managedtogetstartedwithoutit。Iwalkedupanddown—Iwasyounginthosedaysandneededtheexercise—andtalkedandtalked。
RightinthemiddleofthespeechIhadplacedagem。Ihadputinamoving,patheticpartwhichwastogetattheheartsandsoulsofmyhearers。WhenIdeliveredittheydidjustwhatIhopedandexpected。Theysatsilentandawed。Ihadtouchedthem。ThenI
happenedtoglanceupattheboxwheretheGovernor\'swifewas—youknowwhathappened。
Well,afterthefirstagonizingfiveminutes,mystage—frightleftme,nevertoreturn。IknowifIwasgoingtobehangedIcouldgetupandmakeagoodshowing,andIintendto。ButIshallneverforgetmyfeelingsbeforetheagonyleftme,andIgotupheretothankyouforherforhelpingmydaughter,byyourkindness,tolivethroughherfirstappearance。AndIwanttothankyouforyourappreciationofhersinging,whichis,by—the—way,hereditary。
MORALSANDMEMORY。
Mr。ClemenswastheguestofhonoratareceptionheldatBarnardCollege（ColumbiaUniversity）,March7,1906,bytheBarnardUnion。
OneoftheyoungladiespresentedMr。Clemens,andthankedhimforhisamiabilityincomingtomakethemanaddress。Sheclosedwiththeexpressionofthegreatjoyitgaveherfellow—collegians,\"becauseweallloveyou。\"
IFanyoneherelovesme,shehasmysincerethanks。Nay,ifanyonehereissogoodastoloveme—why,I\'llbeabrothertoher。Sheshallhavemysincere,warm,unsulliedaffection。WhenIwascomingupinthecarwiththeverykindyoungladywhowasdelegatedtoshowmetheway,sheaskedmewhatIwasgoingtotalkabout。AndIsaidIwasn\'tsure。IsaidIhadsomeillustrations,andIwasgoingtobringthemin。IsaidIwascertaintogivethoseillustrations,butthatIhadn\'tthefaintestnotionwhattheyweregoingtoillustrate。
Now,I\'vebeenthinkingitoverinthisforestglade[indicatingthewoodsofArcadyonthescenesetting],andI\'vedecidedtoworktheminwithsomethingaboutmoralsandthecapricesofmemory。Thatseemstometobeaprettygoodsubject。Yousee,everybodyhasamemoryandit\'sprettysuretohavecaprices。And,ofcourse,everybodyhasmorals。
It\'smyopinionthateveryoneIknowhasmorals,thoughI
wouldn\'tliketoask。IknowIhave。ButI\'dratherteachthemthanpracticethemanyday。\"Givethemtoothers\"—that\'smymotto。Thenyouneverhaveanyuseforthemwhenyou\'releftwithout。Now,speakingofthecapricesofmemoryingeneral,andofmineinparticular,it\'sstrangetothinkofallthetricksthislittlementalprocessplaysonus。Herewe\'reendowedwithafacultyofmindthatoughttobemoresupremelyserviceabletousthanthemall。Andwhathappens？Thismemoryofoursstoresupaperfectrecordofthemostuselessfactsandanecdotesandexperiences。Andallthethingsthatweoughttoknow—thatweneedtoknow—thatwe\'dprofitbyknowing—
itcastsasidewiththecarelessindifferenceofagirlrefusinghertruelover。It\'sterribletothinkofthisphenomenon。ItrembleinallmymemberswhenIconsiderallthereallyvaluablethingsthatI\'veforgotteninseventyyears—whenImeditateuponthecapricesofmymemory。
There\'sabirdoutinCaliforniathatisoneperfectsymbolofthehumanmemory。I\'veforgottenthebird\'sname（justbecauseitwouldbevaluableformetoknowit—torecallittoyourownminds,perhaps）。
Butthisfoolofacreaturegoesaroundcollectingthemostridiculousthingsyoucanimagineandstoringthemup。Heneverselectsathingthatcouldeverproveoftheslightesthelptohim;
buthegoesaboutgatheringironforks,andspoons,andtincans,andbrokenmouse—traps—allsortsofrubbishthatisdifficultforhimtocarryandyetbeanyusewhenhegetsit。Why,thatbirdwillgobyagoldwatchtobringbackoneofthosepatentcake—pans。
Now,mymindisjustlikethat,andmymindisn\'tverydifferentfromyours—andsoourmindsarejustlikethatbird。Wepassbywhatwouldbeofinestimablevaluetous,andpackourmemorieswiththemosttrivialoddsandendsthatneverbyanychance,underanycircumstanceswhatsoever,couldbeoftheslightestusetoanyone。
Now,thingsthatIhaverememberedareconstantlypoppingintomyhead。AndIamrepeatedlystartledbythevividnesswithwhichtheyrecurtomeafterthelapseofyearsandtheirutteruselessnessinbeingrememberedatall。
Iwasthinkingoversomeonmywayuphere。TheyweretheillustrationsIspokeabouttotheyoungladyonthewayup。AndI\'vecometotheconclusion,curiousthoughitis,thatIcanuseeveryoneofthesefreaksofmemorytoteachyouallalesson。I\'mconvincedthateachonehasitsmoral。AndIthinkit\'smydutytohandthemoralontoyou。
Now,IrecallthatwhenIwasaboyIwasagoodboy—Iwasaverygoodboy。Why,Iwasthebestboyinmyschool。IwasthebestboyinthatlittleMississippitownwhereIlived。Thepopulationwasonlyabouttwentymillion。Youmaynotbelieveit,butIwasthebestboyinthatState—andintheUnitedStates,forthatmatter。
ButIdon\'tknowwhyIneverheardanyonesaythatbutmyself。I
alwaysrecognizedit。Buteventhosenearestanddearesttomecouldn\'tseemtoseeit。Mymother,especially,seemedtothinktherewassomethingwrongwiththatestimate。Andshenevergotoverthatprejudice。
Now,whenmymothergottobeeighty—fiveyearsoldhermemoryfailedher。Sheforgotlittlethreadsthatholdlife\'spatchesofmeaningtogether。ShewaslivingoutWestthen,andIwentontovisither。
Ihadn\'tseenmymotherinayearorso。AndwhenIgottheresheknewmyface;knewIwasmarried;knewIhadafamily,andthatI
wasliving,withthem。Butshecouldn\'t,forthelifeofher,tellmynameorwhoIwas。SoItoldherIwasherboy。
\"Butyoudon\'tlivewithme,\"shesaid。
\"No,\"saidI,\"I\'mlivinginRochester。\"
\"Whatareyoudoingthere？\"
\"Goingtoschool。\"
\"Largeschool？\"
\"Verylarge。\"
\"Allboys？\"
\"Allboys。\"
\"Andhowdoyoustand？\"saidmymother。
\"I\'mthebestboyinthatschool,\"Ianswered。
\"Well,\"saidmymother,withareturnofheroldfire,\"I\'dliketoknowwhattheotherboysarelike。\"
Now,onepointinthisstoryisthefactthatmymother\'smindwentbacktomyschooldays,andrememberedmylittleyouthfulself—prejudicewhenshe\'dforgotteneverythingelseaboutme。
Theotherpointisthemoral。There\'sonetherethatyouwillfindifyousearchforit。
Now,here\'ssomethingelseIremember。It\'saboutthefirsttimeI
everstoleawatermelon。\"Stole\"isastrongword。Stole？Stole？No,I
don\'tmeanthat。ItwasthefirsttimeIeverwithdrewawatermelon。
ItwasthefirsttimeIeverextractedawatermelon。ThatisexactlythewordIwant—\"extracted。\"Itisdefinite。Itisprecise。Itperfectlyconveysmyidea。ItsuseindentistryconnotesthedelicateshadeofmeaningIamlookingfor。Youknowweneverextractourownteeth。
AnditwasnotmywatermelonthatIextracted。Iextractedthatwatermelonfromafarmer\'swagonwhilehewasinsidenegotiatingwithanothercustomer。Icarriedthatwatermelontooneofthesecludedrecessesofthelumber—yard,andthereIbrokeitopen。
Itwasagreenwatermelon。
Well,doyouknowwhenIsawthatIbegantofeelsorry—sorry—
sorry。ItseemedtomethatIhaddonewrong。Ireflecteddeeply。I
reflectedthatIwasyoung—IthinkIwasjusteleven。ButIknewthatthoughimmatureIdidnotlackmoraladvancement。Iknewwhataboyoughttodowhohadextractedawatermelonlikethat。
IconsideredGeorgeWashington,andwhatactionhewouldhavetakenundersimilarcircumstances。ThenIknewtherewasjustonethingtomakemefeelrightinside,andthatwas—Restitution。
SoIsaidtomyself:\"Iwilldothat。IwilltakethatgreenwatermelonbackwhereIgotitfrom。\"AndtheminuteIhadsaiditI
feltthatgreatmoralupliftthatcomestoyouwhenyou\'vemadeanobleresolution。
SoIgatheredupthebiggestfragments,andIcarriedthembacktothefarmer\'swagon,andIrestoredthewatermelon—whatwasleftofit。AndImadehimgivemeagoodoneinplaceofit,too。
AndItoldhimheoughttobeashamedofhimselfgoingaroundworkingoffhisworthless,old,greenwatermelonsontrustingpurchaserswhohadtorelyonhim。Howcouldtheytellfromtheoutsidewhetherthemelonsweregoodornot？Thatwashisbusiness。
Andifhedidn\'treform,ItoldhimI\'dseethathedidn\'tgetmymoreofmytrade—noranybodyelse\'sIknew,ifIcouldhelpit。
Youknowthatmanwasascontriteasarevivalist\'slastconvert。HesaidbewasallbrokenuptothinkI\'dgottenagreenwatermelon。Hepromisedmehewouldnevercarryanothergreenwatermelonifhestarvedforit。Andhedroveoff—abetterman。
Now,doyouseewhatIdidforthatman？Hewasonadownwardpath,andIrescuedhim。ButallIgotoutofitwasawatermelon。
YetI\'dratherhavethatmemory—justthatmemoryofthegoodI
didforthatdepravedfarmer—thanallthematerialgainyoucanthinkof。Lookatthelessonhegot！Inevergotanythinglikethatfromit。
ButIoughttobesatisfied。Iwasonlyelevenyearsold,butI
securedeverlastingbenefittootherpeople。
Themoralinthisisperfectlyclear,andIthinkthere\'soneinthenextmemoryI\'mgoingtotellyouabout。
Togobacktomychildhood,there\'sanotherlittleincidentthatcomestomefromwhichyoucandrawevenanothermoral。It\'saboutoneofthetimesIwentfishing。Yousee,inourhousetherewasasortoffamilyprejudiceagainstgoingfishingifyouhadn\'tpermission。Butitwouldfrequentlybebadjudgmenttoask。SoIwentfishingsecretly,asitwere—wayuptheMississippi。Itwasanexquisitelyhappytrip,Irecall,withaverypleasantsensation。
Well,whileIwasawaytherewasatragedyinourtown。A
stranger,stoppingoveronhiswayEastfromCalifornia,wasstabbedtodeathinanunseemlybrawl。
Now,myfatherwasjusticeofthepeace,andbecausehewasjusticeofthepeacehewascoroner;andsincehewascoronerhewasalsoconstable;andbeingconstablehewassheriff;andoutofconsiderationforhisholdingtheofficeofsheriffhewaslikewisecountyclerkandadozenotherofficialsIdon\'tthinkofjustthisminute。
Ithoughthehadpoweroflifeordeath;onlyhedidn\'tuseitoverotherboys。Hewassortofanaustereman。SomehowIdidn\'tlikebeingroundhimwhenI\'ddoneanythinghedisapprovedof。Sothat\'sthereasonIwasn\'toftenaround。
Well,whenthisgentlemangotknifedtheycommunicatedwiththeproperauthority,thecoroner,andtheylaidthecorpseoutinthecoroner\'soffice—ourfrontsitting—room—inpreparationfortheinquestthenextmorning。
About9or10o\'clockIgotbackfromfishing。Itwasalittletoolateformetobereceivedbymyfolks,soItookmyshoesoffandslippednoiselesslyupthebackwaytothesitting—room。Iwasverytired,andIdidn\'twishtodisturbmypeople。SoIgropedmywaytothesofaandlaydown。
Now,Ididn\'tknowanythingofwhathadhappenedduringmyabsence。ButIwassortofnervousonmyownaccount—afraidofbeingcaught,andratherdubiousaboutthemorningaffair。AndIhadbeenlyingthereafewmomentswhenmyeyesgraduallygotusedtothedarkness,andIbecameawareofsomethingontheothersideoftheroom。
Itwassomethingforeigntotheapartment。Ithadanuncannyappearance。AndIsatuplookingveryhard,andwonderingwhatinheaventhislong,formless,vicious—lookingthingmightbe。
FirstIthoughtI\'dgoandsee。ThenIthought,\"Nevermindthat。\"
Mindyou,Ihadnocowardlysensationswhatever,butitdidn\'tseemexactlyprudenttoinvestigate。ButIsomehowcouldn\'tkeepmyeyesoffthething。AndthemoreIlookedatitthemoredisagreeablyitgrewonme。ButIwasresolvedtoplaytheman。SoI
decidedtoturnoverandcountahundred,andletthepatchofmoonlightcreepupandshowmewhatthedickensitwas。
Well,Iturnedoverandtriedtocount,butIcouldn\'tkeepmymindonit。Ikeptthinkingofthatgrewsomemass。Iwaslosingcountallthetime,andgoingbackandbeginningoveragain。Ohno;
Iwasn\'tfrightened—justannoyed。ButbythetimeI\'dgottentothecenturymarkIturnedcautiouslyoverandopenedmyeyeswithgreatfortitude。
Themoonlightrevealedtomeamarble—whitehumanhand。Well,maybeIwasn\'tembarrassed！Butthenthatchangedtoacreepyfeelingagain,andIthoughtI\'dtrythecountingagain。Idon\'tknowhowmanyhoursorweeksitwasthatIlaytherecountinghard。
Butthemoonlightcreptupthatwhitearm,anditshowedmealeadfaceandaterriblewoundovertheheart。
IcouldscarcelysaythatIwasterror—strickenoranythinglikethat。ButsomehowhiseyesinterestedmesothatIwentrightoutofthewindow。Ididn\'tneedthesash。Butitseemedeasiertotakeitthanleaveitbehind。
Now,letthatteachyoualesson—Idon\'tknowjustwhatitis。
ButatseventyyearsoldIfindthatmemoryofpeculiarvaluetome。I
havebeenunconsciouslyguidedbyitalltheseyears。Thingsthatseemedpigeon—holedandremoteareaperpetualinfluence。Yes,you\'retaughtinsomanyways。Andyou\'resofelicitouslytaughtwhenyoudon\'tknowit。
Here\'ssomethingelsethattaughtmeagooddeal。
WhenIwasseventeenIwasverybashful,andasixteen—year—oldgirlcametostayaweekwithus。Shewasapeach,andIwasseizedwithahappinessnotofthisworld。
Oneeveningmymothersuggestedthat,toentertainher,ItakeI
takehertothetheatre。Ididn\'treallyliketo,becauseIwasseventeenandsensitiveaboutappearinginthestreetsWithagirl。
Icouldn\'tseemywaytoenjoyingmydelightinpublic。Butwewent。
Ididn\'tfeelveryhappy。Icouldn\'tseemtokeepmymindontheplay。Ibecameunconsciousafterawhile,thatthatwasduelesstomylovelycompanythanmyboots。Theyweresweettolookupon,assmoothasskin,butfittedtentimesasclose。IgotoblivioustotheplayandthegirlandtheotherpeopleandeverythingbutmybootsuntilIhitchedonepartlyoff。Thesensationwassensuouslyperfect。Icouldn\'thelpit。Ihadtogettheotheroff,partly。
ThenIwasobligedtogetthemoffaltogether,exceptthatIkeptmyfeetinthelegssotheycouldn\'tgetaway。
FromthattimeIenjoyedtheplay。ButthefirstthingIknewthecurtaincamedown,likethat,withoutmynotice,andIhadn\'tanybootson。Ituggedstrenuously。AndthepeopleinourrowgotupandfussedandsaidthingsuntilthepeachandIsimplyhadtomoveon。
Wemoved—thegirlononearmandthebootsundertheother。
Wewalkedhomethatway,sixteenblocks,witharetinueamilelong。
Everytimewepassedalamp—postdeathgrippedmeatthethroat。Butwegothome—andIhadonwhitesocks。
IfIlivetobeninehundredandninety—nineyearsoldIdon\'tsupposeIcouldeverforgetthatwalk。IrememberitaboutaskeenlyasthechagrinIsufferedonanotheroccasion。
Atonetimeinourdomestichistorywehadacoloredbutlerwhohadafailing。Hecouldneverremembertoaskpeoplewhocametothedoortostatetheirbusiness。SoIusedtobufferagoodmanycallsunnecessarily。
OnemorningwhenIwasespeciallybusyhebroughtmeacardengravedWithanameIdidnotknow。SoIsaid,\"Whatdoeshewishtoseemefor？\"andSylvestersaid,\"Ahcouldn\'taskhim,sah;hewuzagenlmun。\"\"Returninstantly,\"Ithundered,\"andinquirehismission。
Askhimwhat\'shisgame。\"Well,Sylvesterreturnedwiththeannouncementthathehadlightning—rodstosell。\"Indeed,\"saidI,\"thingsarecomingtoafinepasswhenlightning—rodagentssendupengravedcards。\"\"Hehaspictures,\"addedSylvester。\"Pictures,indeed！Hemaybepeddlingetchings。HasheaRussialeathercase？\"
ButSylvesterwastoofrightenedtoremember。Isaid,\"Iamgoingdowntomakeithotforthatupstart！\"
Iwentdownthestairs,workingupmytemperalltheway。WhenIgottotheparlorIwasinafinefrenzyconcealedbeneathaveneeroffrigidcourtesy。AndwhenIlookedinthedoor,sureenoughhehadaRussialeathercaseinhishand。ButIdidn\'thappentonoticethatitwasourRussialeathercase。
Andifyou\'dbelieveme,thatmanwassittingwithawholegalleryofetchingsspreadoutbeforehim。ButIdidn\'thappentonoticethattheywereouretchings,spreadoutbysomememberofmyfamilyforsomeunguessedpurpose。
VerycurtlyIaskedthegentlemanhisbusiness。Withasurprised,timidmannerhefalteredthathehadmetmywifeanddaughteratOnteora,andtheyhadaskedhimtocall。Finelie,Ithought,andI
frozehim。
Heseemedtobekindofnonplussed,andsattherefingeringtheetchingsinthecaseuntilItoldhimheneedn\'tbother,becausewehadthose。Thatpleasedhimsomuchthatheleanedover,inanembarrassedway,topickupanotherfromthefloor。ButIstoppedhim。
Isaid,\"We\'vegotthat,too。\"Heseemedpitifullyamazed,butIwascongratulatingmyselfonmygreatsuccess。
FinallythegentlemanaskedwhereMr。Wintonlived;he\'dmethiminthemountains,too。SoIsaidI\'dshowhimgladly。AndIdidonthespot。AndwhenhewasgoneIfeltqueer,becausetherewereallhisetchingsspreadoutonthefloor。
Well,mywifecameinandaskedmewhohadbeenin。Ishowedherthecard,andtoldherallexultantly。Tomydismayshenearlyfainted。
Shetoldmehehadbeenamostkindfriendtotheminthecountry,andhadforgottentotellmethathewasexpectedourway。Andshepushedmeoutofthedoor,andcommandedmetogetovertotheWintonsinahurryandgethimback。
Icameintothedrawing—room,whereMrs。Wintonwassittingupverystiffinachair,beatingmeatmyowngame。Well,Ibegantoputanotherlightonthings。BeforemanysecondsMrs。Wintonsawitwastimetochangehertemperature。InfiveminutesIhadaskedthemantoluncheon,andshetodinner,andsoon。
Wemadethatfellowchangehistripandstayaweek,andwegavehimthetimeofhislife。Why,Idon\'tbelievewelethimgetsoberthewholetime。
ItrustthatyouwillcarryawaysomegoodthoughtfromtheselessonsIhavegivenyou,andthatthememoryofthemwillinspireyoutohigherthings,andelevateyoutoplansfarabovetheold—and—
and—
AndItellyouonething,youngladies:I\'vehadabettertimewithyouto—daythanwiththatpeachfifty—threeyearsago。
QUEENVICTORIA。
ADDRESSTOTHEBRITISHSCHOOLSANDUNIVERSITIESCLUB
ATDELMONICO\'S,MONDAY,MAY25,1908,INHONOROF
QUEENVICTORIA\'SBIRTHDAY。
Mr。Clemenstoldthestoryofhisduelwitharivaleditor:howhepractisedfiringatabarndoorandfailedtohitit;butafriendofhistookofftheheadofalittlebirdatthirty—fiveyardsandattributedtheshottoMarkTwain。Thedueldidnottakeplace。Mr。
Clemenscontinuedasfollows:
ITalsohappenedthatIwasthemeansofstoppingtheduellinginNevada,foralawwaspassedsendingallduelliststojailfortwoyears,andthegovernor,hearingofmymarksmanship,saidthatifhegotmeIshouldgotoprisonforthefullterm。That\'swhyIleftNevada,andIhavenotbeentheresince。
Youdomeahighhonor,indeed,inselectingmetospeakofmycountryinthiscommemorationofthebirthdayofthatnobleladywhoselifewasconsecratedtothevirtuesandthehumanitiesandtothepromotionofloftyideals,andwasamodeluponwhichmanyahumblerlifewasformedandmadebeautifulwhileshelived,anduponwhichmanysuchliveswillstillbeformedinthegenerationsthataretocome—lifewhichfindsitsjustimageinthestarwhichfallsoutofitsplaceintheskyandoutofexistence,butwhoselightstillstreamswithunfadedlustreacrosstheabyssesofspacelongafteritsfireshavebeenextinguishedattheirsource。
AsawomantheQueenwasallthatthemostexactingstandardscouldrequire。Asafar—reachingandeffectivebeneficentmoralforceshehadnopeerinhertimeamongeithermonarchsorcommoners。Asamonarchshewaswithoutreproachinhergreatoffice。Wemaynotventure,perhaps,tosaysosweepingathingasthisincoldbloodaboutanymonarchthatprecededheruponeitherherownthroneoruponanyother。Itisacolossaleulogy,butitisjustified。