Whenthatfearlessandforgetfulchairmanisfoundtherewillbeanotherstorytold。AtthePressClubrecentlyIthoughtthatIhadfoundhim。HestartedininthewaythatIknewIshouldbepaintedwithallsincerity,andwasleadingtothingsthatwouldnotbetomycredit;butwhenhesaidthatheneverreadabookofmineIknewatoncethathewasaliar,becausehenevercouldhavehadallthewitandintelligencewithwhichhewasblessedunlesshehadreadmyworksasabasis。
Ilikecompliments。Iliketogohomeandtellthemalloveragaintothemembersofmyfamily。Theydon\'tbelievethem,butIliketotelltheminthehomecircle,allthesame。IliketodreamofthemifIcan。
Ithankeverybodyfortheircompliments,butIdon\'tthinkthatIampraisedanymorethanIamentitledtobe。
READING—ROOMOPENING。
OnOctober13,1900。Mr。ClemensmadehislastaddressprecedinghisdepartureforAmericaatKensalRise,London。
IFORMALLYdeclarethisreading—roomopen,andIthinkthatthelegislatureshouldnotcompelacommunitytoprovideitselfwithintelligentfood,butgiveittheprivilegeofprovidingitifthecommunitysodesires。
Ifthecommunityisanxioustohaveareading—roomitwouldputitshandinitspocketandbringoutthepennytax。Ithinkitaproofofthehealthy,moral,financial,andmentalconditionofthecommunityifittaxesitselfforitsmentalfood。
Areading—roomistheproperintroductiontoalibrary,leadingupthroughthenewspapersandmagazinestootherliterature。Whatwouldwedowithoutnewspapers？
LookattherapidmannerinwhichthenewsoftheGalvestondisasterwasmadeknowntotheentireworld。ThisremindsmeofanepisodewhichoccurredfifteenyearsagowhenIwasatchurchinHartford,Connecticut。
Theclergymandecidedtomakeacollectionforthesurvivors,ifany。Hedidnotincludemeamongtheleadingcitizenswhotooktheplatesaroundforcollection。Icomplainedtothegovernorofhislackoffinancialtrustinme,andhereplied:\"Iwouldtrustyoumyself—
ifyouhadabell—punch。\"
Youhavepaidmemanycompliments,andIliketolistentocompliments。IindorseallyourchairmanhassaidtoyouabouttheunionofEnglandandAmerica。Healsoalludedtomyname,ofwhichI
amratherfond。
AlittlegirlwrotemefromNewZealandinaletterIreceivedyesterday,statingthatherfathersaidmypropernamewasnotMarkTwainbutSamuelClemens,butthatsheknewbetter,becauseClemenswasthenameofthemanwhosoldthepatentmedicine,andhisnamewasnotMark。ShewassureitwasMarkTwain,becauseMarkisintheBibleandTwainisintheBible。
Iwasverygladtogetthatexpressionofconfidenceinmyorigin,andasInowknowmynametobeascripturalone,Iamnotwithouthopesofmakingitworthy。
LITERATURE
LITERATURE。
ADDRESSATTHEROYALLITERARYFUNDBANQUET,LONDON,MAY4,1900。
AnthonyHopeintroducedMr。Clemenstomaketheresponsetothetoast\"Literature。\"
MR。HOPEhasbeenabletodealadequatelywiththistoastwithoutassistancefromme。Still,Iwasborngenerous。IfhehadadvancedanytheoriesthatneededrefutationorcorrectionIwouldhaveattendedtothem,andifhehadmadeanystatementsstrongerthanthosewhichheisinthehabitofmakingIwouldhavedealtwiththem。
Infact,Iwassurprisedatthemildnessofhisstatements。I
couldnothavemadesuchstatementsifIhadpreferredto,becausetoexaggerateistheonlywayIcanapproximatetothetruth。Youcannothaveatheorywithoutprinciples。Principlesisanothernameforprejudices。Ihavenoprejudicesinpolitics,religion,literature,oranythingelse。
Iamnowonmywaytomyowncountrytorunforthepresidencybecausetherearenotyetenoughcandidatesinthefield,andthosewhohaveenteredaretoomuchhamperedbytheirownprinciples,whichareprejudices。
Iproposetogotheretopurifythepoliticalatmosphere。Iaminfavorofeverythingeverybodyisinfavorof。Whatyoushoulddoistosatisfythewholenation,nothalfofit,forthenyouwouldonlybehalfaPresident。
Therecouldnotbeabroaderplatformthanmine。Iaminfavorofanythingandeverything—oftemperanceandintemperance,moralityandqualifiedimmorality,goldstandardandfreesilver。
Ihavetriedallsortsofthings,andthatiswhyIwanttotrythegreatpositionofrulerofacountry。Ihavebeeninturnreporter,editor,publisher,author,lawyer,burglar。Ihaveworkedmywayup,andwishtocontinuetodoso。
Ireadto—dayinamagazinearticlethatChristendomissuedlastyearfifty—fivethousandnewbooks。Considerwhatthatmeans！
Fifty—fivethousandnewbooksmeantfifty—fourthousandnewauthors。
Wearegoingtohavethemallonourhandstotakecareofsoonerorlater。Therefore,doubleyoursubscriptionstotheliteraryfund！
DISAPPEARANCEOFLITERATURE。
ADDRESSATTHEDINNEROFTHENINETEENTHCENTURYCLUB,ATSHERRY\'S,NEWYORK,NOVEMBER20,1900。
Mr。Clemensspoketothetoast\"TheDisappearanceofLiterature。\"
DoctorGouldpresided,andinintroducingMr。Clemenssaidthathe（thespeaker）,wheninGermany,hadtodoalotofapologizingforacertainliterarymanwhowastakingwhattheGermansthoughtunduelibertieswiththeirlanguage。
ITwasn\'tnecessaryforyourchairmantoapologizeformeinGermany。Itwasn\'tnecessaryatall。InsteadofthatheoughttohaveimpresseduponthosepoorbenightedTeutonstheserviceI
renderedthem。Theirlanguagehadneededuntanglingforagoodmanyyears。Nobodyelseseemedtowanttotakethejob,andsoItookit,andIflattermyselfthatImadeaprettygoodjobofit。TheGermanshaveaninhumanwayofcuttinguptheirverbs。Nowaverbhasahardtimeenoughofitinthisworldwhenit\'salltogether。
It\'sdownrightinhumantosplititup。Butthat\'sjustwhatthoseGermansdo。Theytakepartofaverbandputitdownhere,likeastake,andtheytaketheotherpartofitandputitawayoveryonderlikeanotherstake,andbetweenthesetwolimitstheyjustshovelinGerman。Imaintainthatthereisnonecessityforapologizingforamanwhohelpedinasmallwaytostopsuchmutilation。
Wehaveheardadiscussionto—nightonthedisappearanceofliterature。That\'snonewthing。That\'swhatcertainkindsofliteraturehavebeendoingforseveralyears。Thefactis,myfriends,thatthefashioninliteraturechanges,andtheliterarytailorshavetochangetheircutsorgooutofbusiness。ProfessorWinchesterhere,ifIrememberfairlycorrectlywhathesaid,remarkedthatfew,ifany,ofthenovelsproducedto—daywouldliveaslongasthenovelsofWalterScott。Thatmaybehisnotion。Maybeheisright;butsofarasIamconcerned,Idon\'tcareiftheydon\'t。
ProfessorWinchesteralsosaidsomethingabouttherebeingnomodernepicslikeParadiseLost。Iguesshe\'sright。Hetalkedasifhewasprettyfamiliarwiththatpieceofliterarywork,andnobodywouldsupposethatheneverhadreadit。Idon\'tbelieveanyofyouhaveeverreadParadiseLost,andyoudon\'twantto。That\'ssomethingthatyoujustwanttotakeontrust。It\'saclassic,justasProfessorWinchestersays,anditmeetshisdefinitionofaclassic—somethingthateverybodywantstohavereadandnobodywantstoread。
ProfessorTrentalsohadagooddealtosayaboutthedisappearanceofliterature。HesaidthatScottwouldoutliveallhiscritics。Iguessthat\'strue。Thefactofthebusinessis,you\'vegottobeoneoftwoagestoappreciateScott。Whenyou\'reeighteenyoucanreadIvanhoe,andyouwanttowaituntilyouareninetytoreadsomeoftherest。Ittakesaprettywell—regulated,abstemiouscritictoliveninetyyears。
Butasmuchasthesetwogentlemenhavetalkedaboutthedisappearanceofliterature,theydidn\'tsayanythingaboutmybooks。Maybetheythinkthey\'vedisappeared。Iftheydo,thatjustshowstheirignoranceonthegeneralsubjectofliterature。IamnotasyoungasIwasseveralyearsago,andmaybeI\'mnotsofashionable,butI\'dbewillingtotakemychanceswithMr。Scottto—morrowmorninginsellingapieceofliteraturetotheCenturyPublishingCompany。
AndIhaven\'tgotmuchofapullhere,either。IoftenthinkthatthehighestcomplimenteverpaidtomypooreffortswaspaidbyDarwinthroughPresidentEliot,ofHarvardCollege。Atleast,Eliotsaiditwasacompliment,andIalwaystaketheopinionofgreatmenlikecollegepresidentsonallsuchsubjectsasthat。
IwentouttoCambridgeonedayafewyearsagoandcalledonPresidentEliot。InthecourseoftheconversationhesaidthathehadjustreturnedfromEngland,andthathewasverymuchtouchedbywhatheconsideredthehighcomplimentDarwinwaspayingtomybooks,andhewentontotellmesomethinglikethis:
\"DoyouknowthatthereisoneroominDarwin\'shouse,hisbedroom,wherethehousemaidisneverallowedtotouchtwothings？Oneisaplantheisgrowingandstudyingwhileitgrows\"（itwasoneofthoseinsect—devouringplantswhichconsumedbugsandbeetlesandthingsfortheparticulardelectationofMr。Darwin）\"andtheothersomebooksthatlieonthenighttableattheheadofhisbed。Theyareyourbooks,Mr。Clemens,andMr。Darwinreadsthemeverynighttolullhimtosleep。\"
Myfriends,Ithoroughlyappreciatedthatcompliment,andconsidereditthehighestonethatwaseverpaidtome。TobethemeansofsoothingtosleepabrainteemingwithbugsandsquirmingthingslikeDarwin\'swassomethingthatIhadneverhopedfor,andnowthatheisdeadIneverhopetobeabletodoitagain。
THENEWYORKPRESSCLUBDINNER。
ATTHEANNUALDINNER,NOVEMBER13,1900。
Col。WilliamL。Brown,theformereditoroftheDailyNews,aspresidentoftheclub,introducedMr。ClemensastheprincipalornamentofAmericanliterature。
IMUSTsaythatIhavealreadybeguntoregretthatIleftmygunathome。I\'vesaidsomanytimeswhenachairmanhasdistressedmewithjustsuchcomplimentsthatthenexttimesuchathingoccursIwillcertainlyuseagunonthatchairman。Itismyprivilegetocomplimenthiminreturn。Youbeholdbeforeyouavery,veryoldman。Acursoryglanceathimwoulddeceivethemostpenetrating。Hisfeaturesseemtorevealapersondeadtoallhonorableinstincts—theyseemtobearthetracesofalltheknowncrimes,insteadofthemarksofalifespentforthemostpart,andnowaltogether,intheSunday—school—ofalifethatmaywellstandasanexampletoallgenerationsthathaverisenorwillriz—Imeantosay,willrise。Hisprivatecharacterisaltogethersuggestiveofvirtueswhichtoallappearanceshehasnot。Ifyouexaminehispasthistoryyouwillfinditasdeceptiveashisfeatures,becauseitismarkedalloverwithwaywardnessandmisdemeanor—mereeffectsofagreatspirituponaweakbody—mereaccidentsofagreatcareer。Inhishearthecherisheseveryvirtueonthelistofvirtues,andhepractisesthemall—secretly—alwayssecretly。Youallknowhimsowellthatthereisnoneedforhimtobeintroducedhere。Gentlemen,ColonelBrown。
THEALPHABETANDSIMPLIFIEDSPELLING。
ADDRESSATTHEDINNERGIVENTOMR。CARNEGIEATTHE
DEDICATIONOFTHENEWYORKENGINEERS\'CLUB,DECEMBER9,1907。
Mr。Clemenswasintroducedbythepresidentoftheclub,who,quotingfromtheMarkTwainautobiography,recalledthedaywhenthedistinguishedwritercametoNewYorkwith$3insmallchangeinhispocketsanda$10billsewedinhisclothes。
ITseemstomethatIwasaroundhereintheneighborhoodofthePublicLibraryaboutfiftyorsixtyyearsago。Idon\'tdenythecircumstance,althoughIdon\'tseehowyougotitoutofmyautobiography,whichwasnottobeprinteduntilIamdead,unlessI\'mdeadnow。Ihadthat$3inchange,andIrememberwellthe$10whichwassewedinmycoat。Ihaveprosperedsince。NowIhaveplentyofmoneyandadispositiontosquanderit,butIcan\'t。Oneofthosetrustcompaniesistakingcareofit。
Now,asthisisprobablythelasttimethatIshallbeoutafternightfallthiswinter,ImustsaythatIhavecomeherewithamission,andIwouldmakemyerrandofvalue。
ManycomplimentshavebeenpaidtoMr。Carnegieto—night。Iwasexpectingthem。Theyareverygratifyingtome。
Ihavebeenaguestofhonormyself,andIknowwhatMr。Carnegieisexperiencingnow。Itisembarrassingtogetcomplimentsandcomplimentsandonlycompliments,particularlywhenheknowsaswellastherestofusthatontheothersideofhimthereareallsortsofthingsworthyofourcondemnation。
JustlookatMr。Carnegie\'sface。Itisfairlyscintillatingwithfictitiousinnocence。Youwouldthink,lookingathim,thathehadnevercommittedacrimeinhislife。Butno—lookathispestiferioussimplifiedspelling。Youcan\'tanyofyouimaginewhatacrimethathasbeen。TorquemadawasnothingtoMr。Carnegie。ThatoldfellowshedsomebloodintheInquisition,butMr。Carnegiehasbroughtdestructiontotheentirerace。Iknowhedidn\'tmeanittobeacrime,butitwas,justthesame。He\'sgotusallsowecan\'tspellanything。
Thetroublewithhimisthatheattackedorthographyatthewrongend。Hemeantwell,butheattackedthesymptomsandnotthecauseofthedisease。Heoughttohavegonetoworkonthealphabet。There\'snotavowelinitwithadefinitevalue,andnotaconsonantthatyoucanhitchanythingto。Lookatthe\"h\'s\"distributedallaround。
There\'s\"gherkin。\"Whatareyougoingtodowiththe\"h\"inthat？Whatthedevil\'stheuseof\"h\"ingherkin,I\'dliketoknow。It\'sonethingIadmiretheEnglishfor:theyjustdon\'tmindanythingaboutthematall。
Butlookatthe\"pneumatics\"andthe\"pneumonias\"andtherestofthem。Arealreformwouldsettlethemonceandforall,andwindupbygivingusanalphabetthatwewouldn\'thavetospellwithatall,insteadofthispresentsillyalphabet,whichIfancywasinventedbyadrunkenthief。Why,thereisn\'tamanwhodoesn\'thavetothrowoutaboutfifteenhundredwordsadaywhenhewriteshislettersbecausehecan\'tspellthem！It\'sliketryingtodoaSt。Vitus\'sdancewithwoodenlegs。
NowI\'llbetthereisn\'tamanherewhocanspell\"pterodactyl,\"noteventheprisoneratthebar。I\'dliketohearhimtryonce—butnotinpublic,forit\'stoonearSunday,whenallextravaganthistrionicentertainmentsarebarred。I\'dliketohearhimtryinprivate,andwhenhegotthroughtryingtospell\"pterodactyl\"youwouldn\'tknowwhetheritwasafishorabeastorabird,andwhetheritflewonitslegsorwalkedwithitswings。Thechancesarethathewouldgiveittusksandmakeitlayeggs。
Let\'sgetMr。Carnegietoreformthealphabet,andwe\'llprayforhim—ifhe\'lltaketherisk。
Ifwehadadequate,competentvowels,withasystemofaccents,givingtoeachvowelitsownsoulandvalue,soeveryshadeofthatvowelwouldbeshowninitsaccent,thereisnotawordinanytonguethatwecouldnotspellaccurately。Thatwouldbecompetent,adequate,simplifiedspelling,incontrasttotheclipping,thehairpunching,thecarbuncles,andthecancerswhichgobythenameofsimplifiedspelling。IfIaskyouwhatb—o—wspellsyoucan\'ttellmeunlessyouknowwhichb—o—wImean,anditisthesamewithr—o—w,b—o—r—e,andthewholefamilyofwordswhichwerebornoutoflawfulwedlockanddon\'tknowtheirownorigin。
Now,ifwehadanalphabetthatwasadequateandcompetent,insteadofinadequateandincompetent,thingswouldbedifferent。
Spellingreformhasonlymadeitbald—headedandunsightly。Thereisthewholetribeofthem,\"row\"and\"read\"and\"lead\"—awholefamilywhodon\'tknowwhotheyare。Iaskyoutopronounces—o—w,andyouaskmewhatkindofaone。
Ifwehadasane,determinatealphabet,insteadofahospitalofcomminutedeunuchs,youwouldknowwhetheronereferredtotheactofamancastingtheseedovertheploughedlandorwhetheronewishedtorecalltheladyhogandthefutureham。
It\'sarottenalphabet。IappointMr。Carnegietogetafterit,andleavesimplifiedspellingalone。Simplifiedspellingbroughtaboutsun—spots,theSanFranciscoearthquake,andtherecentbusinessdepression,whichwewouldneverhavehadifspellinghadbeenleftallalone。
Now,IhopeIhavesoothedMr。Carnegieandmadehimmorecomfortablethanhewouldhavebeenhadhereceivedonlycomplimentaftercompliment,andIwishtosaytohimthatsimplifiedspellingisallright,but,likechastity,youcancarryittoofar。
SPELLINGANDPICTURES。
ADDRESSATTHEANNUALDINNEROFTHEASSOCIATEDPRESS,ATTHEWALDORF—ASTORIA,SEPTEMBER18,1906。
IAMheretomakeanappealtothenationsinbehalfofthesimplifiedspelling。Ihavecomeherebecausetheycannotallbereachedexceptthroughyou。Thereareonlytwoforcesthatcancarrylighttoallthecornersoftheglobe—onlytwo—thesunintheheavensandtheAssociatedPressdownhere。Imayseemtobeflatteringthesun,butIdonotmeanitso;Iammeaningonlytobejustandfairallaround。Youspeakwithamillionvoices;noonecanreachsomanyraces,somanyheartsandintellects,asyou—exceptRudyardKipling,andhecannotdoitwithoutyourhelp。IftheAssociatedPresswilladoptanduseoursimplifiedforms,andthusspreadthemtotheendsoftheearth,coveringthewholespaciousplanetwiththemaswithagardenofflowers,ourdifficultiesareatanend。
Everydayofthethreehundredandsixty—fivetheonlypagesoftheworld\'scountlessnewspapersthatarereadbyallthehumanbeingsandangelsanddevilsthatcanread,arethesepagesthatarebuiltoutofAssociatedPressdespatches。AndsoIbegyou,Ibeseechyou—
oh,Iimploreyoutospelltheminoursimplifiedforms。Dothisdaily,constantly,persistently,forthreemonths—onlythreemonths—itisallIask。Theinfallibleresult？—victory,victoryalldowntheline。Forbythattimealleyeshereandaboveandbelowwillhavebecomeadjustedtothechangeandinlovewithit,andthepresentclumsyandraggedformswillbegrotesquetotheeyeandrevoltingtothesoul。Andweshallberidofphthisisandphthisicandpneumoniaandpneumatics,anddiphtheriaandpterodactyl,andallthoseotherinsanewordswhichnomanaddictedtothesimpleChristianlifecantrytospellandnotlosesomeofthebloomofhispietyinthedemoralizingattempt。Donotdoubtit。Wearechameleons,andourpartialitiesandprejudiceschangeplaceswithaneasyandblessedfacility,andwearesoonwontedtothechangeandhappyinit。Wedonotregretourold,yellowfangsandsnagsandtushesafterwehavewornnice,fresh,uniformstoreteethawhile。
DoIseemtobeseekingthegoodoftheworld？Thatistheidea。
Itismypublicattitude;privatelyIammerelyseekingmyownprofit。
Wealldoit,butitissoundanditisvirtuous,fornopublicinterestisanythingotherornoblerthanamassedaccumulationofprivateinterests。In1883,whenthesimplified—spellingmovementfirsttriedtomakeanoise,Iwasindifferenttoit;more—Ievenirreverentlyscoffedatit。WhatIneededwasanobject—lesson,yousee。Itistheonlywaytoteachsomepeople。Verywell,Igotit。
AtthattimeIwasscramblingalong,earningthefamily\'sbreadonmagazineworkatsevencentsaword,compoundwordsatsinglerates,justasitisinthedarkpresent。Iwasthepropertyofamagazine,aseven—centslaveunderaboiler—ironcontract。Onedaytherecameanotefromtheeditorrequiringmetowritetenpagesonthisrevoltingtext:\"ConsiderationsconcerningtheallegedsubterraneanholophotalextemporaneousnessoftheconchyliaceoussuperimbricationoftheOrnithorhyncus,asforeshadowedbytheunintelligibilityofitsplesiosauriananisodactylousaspects。\"
Tenpagesofthat。Eachandeverywordaseventeen—jointedvestibuledrailroadtrain。Sevencentsaword。Isawstarvationstaringthefamilyintheface。Iwenttotheeditor,andItookastenographeralongsoastohavetheinterviewdowninblackandwhite,fornomagazineeditorcaneverrememberanypartofabusinesstalkexceptthepartthat\'sgotgraftinitforhimandthemagazine。Isaid,\"Readthattext,Jackson,andletitgoontherecord;readitoutloud。\"Hereadit:\"ConsiderationsconcerningtheallegedsubterraneanholophotalextemporaneousnessoftheconchyliaceoussuperimbricationoftheOrnithorhyncus,asforeshadowedbytheunintelligibilityofitsplesiosauriananisodactylousaspects。\"
Isaid,\"Youwanttenpagesofthoserumbling,great,long,summerthunderpeals,andyouexpecttogetthematsevencentsapeal？\"
Hesaid,\"Aword\'saword,andsevencentsisthecontract;whatareyougoingtodoaboutit？\"Isaid,\"Jackson,thisiscold—bloodedoppression。What\'sanaverageEnglishword？\"
Hesaid,\"Sixletters。\"
Isaid,\"Nothingofthekind;that\'sFrench,andincludesthespacesbetweenthewords;anaverageEnglishwordisfourlettersandahalf。
Byhard,honestlaborI\'vedugallthelargewordsoutofmyvocabularyandshaveditdowntilltheaverageisthreelettersandahalf。Icanputonethousandandtwohundredwordsonyourpage,andthere\'snotanothermanalivethatcancomewithintwohundredofit。Mypageiswortheighty—fourdollarstome。Ittakesexactlyaslongtofillyourmagazinepagewithlongwordsasitdoeswithshortones—fourhours。Now,then,lookatthecriminalinjusticeofthisrequirementofyours。Iamcareful,Iameconomicalofmytimeandlabor。Forthefamily\'ssakeI\'vegottobeso。SoIneverwrite\'metropolis\'forsevencents,becauseIcangetthesamemoneyfor\'city。\'Ineverwrite\'policeman,\'becauseIcangetthesamepricefor\'cop。\'Andsoonandsoon。Ineverwrite\'valetudinarian\'atall,fornotevenhungerandwretchednesscanhumblemetothepointwhereIwilldoawordlikethatforsevencents;Iwouldn\'tdoitforfifteen。Examineyourobscenetext,please,countthewords。\"
Hecountedandsaiditwastwenty—four。Iaskedhimtocounttheletters。Hemadeittwohundredandthree。
Isaid,\"Now,Ihopeyouseethewholesizeofyourcrime。WithmyvocabularyIwouldmakesixtywordsoutofthosetwohundredandfiveletters,andgetfourdollarsandtwentycentsforit;whereasforyourinhumantwenty—fourIwouldgetonlyonedollarandsixty—eightcents。Tenpagesofthesesky—scrapersofyourswouldpaymeonlyaboutthreehundreddollars;inmysimplifiedvocabularythesamespaceandthesamelaborwouldpaymeeighthundredandfortydollars。Idonotwishtoworkuponthisscandalousjobbythepiece。Iwanttobehiredbytheyear。\"Hecoldlyrefused。Isaid:
\"Thenforthesakeofthefamily,ifyouhavenofeelingforme,yououghtatleasttoallowmeovertimeonthatwordextemporaneousness。\"Againhecoldlyrefused。Iseldomsayaharshwordtoanyone,butIwasnotmasterofmyselfthen,andIspokerightoutandcalledhimananisodactylousplesiosaurianconchyliaceousOrnithorhyneus,androttentotheheartwithholophotalsubterraneanextemporaneousness。Godforgivemeforthatwantoncrime;
helivedonlytwohours。
FromthatdaytothisIhavebeenadevotedandhard—workingmemberoftheheaven—borninstitution,theInternationalAssociationforthePreventionofCrueltytoAuthors,andnowIamlaboringwithCarnegie\'sSimplifiedCommittee,andwithmyheartinthework……
Nowthen,letuslookatthismightyquestionreasonably,rationally,sanely—yes,andcalmly,notexcitedly。Whatistherealfunction,theessentialfunction,thesupremefunction,oflanguage？
Isn\'titmerelytoconveyideasandemotions？Certainly。Thenifwecandoitwithwordsoffoneticbrevityandcompactness,whykeepthepresentcumbersomeforms？Butcanwe？Yes。Iholdinmyhandtheproofofit。Hereisaletterwrittenbyawoman,rightoutofherheartofhearts。Ithinksheneversawaspelling—bookinherlife。
Thespellingisherown。Thereisn\'tawasteletterinitanywhere。Itreducesthefoneticstothelastgasp—itsqueezesthesurplusageoutofeveryword—there\'snospellingthatcanbeginwithitonthisplanetoutsideoftheWhiteHouse。Andasforthepunctuation,thereisn\'tany。Itisallonesentence,eagerlyandbreathlesslyuttered,withoutbreakorpauseinitanywhere。Theletterisabsolutelygenuine—Ihavetheproofsofthatinmypossession。I
can\'tstoptospellthewordsforyou,butyoucantaketheletterpresentlyandcomfortyoureyeswithit。Iwillreadtheletter:
\"Miss—dearfriendItooksomeCloseintothearmerryandgivethemtoyoutoSendtoothesuffrersouttoCaliforniaandiHatetotrubleyoubutigottohaveoneofthemBackitwasablackollwolleShevyottWithajackettoMachtrimedKindofFancyno38BurstmeasureandpassymenterryacrostthefrontAndthecoloriwoodentTrubbleyoubutitbelongedtomybrotherswifeandsheisMadaboutitithoghtshewaswillinbutshewantshesaysshewantdonewithitandshewasgoingtoWearitaSpelllongersheantsofreehartedaswhatiamandsheHasgotmoretodowithThanihavehavingaHusbandtoWorkandslaveForherigessyourememberMeIamshotandstoutandlightcomplecteditorkedwithyouquiteaspellaboutthesuffrarsandsaiditwasorfulaboutthaterthquakeIshoodentwondariftheyhadanotheroneriteoffseeinegeneralCondisionofthecountryisKindofExplossiveihatetotakethatBlackdressawayfromthesuffrarsbutiwillhuntroundAndseeificangetanotherOneificaniwillcalltothearmerryforitifyouwilljestlayitassidesonomoreatpresentfromyourTruefriendilikedyourappearanceveryMuch\"
Nowyouseewhatsimplifiedspellingcando。
Itcanconveyanyfactyouneedtoconvey;anditcanpouroutemotionslikeasewer。Ibegyou,Ibeseechyou,toadoptourspelling,andprintallyourdespatchesinit。
NowIwishtosayjustoneentirelyseriousword:
Ihavereachedatimeoflife,seventyyearsandahalf,wherenoneoftheconcernsofthisworldhavemuchinterestformepersonally。IthinkIcanspeakdispassionatelyuponthismatter,becauseinthelittlewhilethatIhavegottoremainhereIcangetalongverywellwiththeseold—fashionedforms,andIdon\'tproposetomakeanytroubleaboutitatall。Ishallsoonbewheretheywon\'tcarehowIspellsolongasIkeeptheSabbath。
Thereareeighty—twomillionsofuspeoplethatusethisorthography,anditoughttobesimplifiedinourbehalf,butitiskeptinitspresentconditiontosatisfyonemillionpeoplewholiketohavetheirliteratureintheoldform。Thatlookstometoberatherselfish,andwekeeptheformsastheyarewhilewehavegotonemillionpeoplecominginherefromforeigncountrieseveryyearandtheyhavegottostrugglewiththisorthographyofours,anditkeepsthembackanddamagestheircitizenshipforyearsuntiltheylearntospellthelanguage,iftheyeverdolearn。Thisismerelysentimentalargument。
PeoplesayitisthespellingofChaucerandSpenserandShakespeareandalotofotherpeoplewhodonotknowhowtospellanyway,andithasbeentransmittedtousandwepreserveditandwishtopreserveitbecauseofitsancientandhallowedassociations。
Now,Idon\'tseethatthereisanyrealargumentaboutthat。Ifthatargumentisgood,thenitwouldbeagoodargumentnottobanishthefliesandthecockroachesfromhospitalsbecausetheyhavebeentheresolongthatthepatientshavegotusedtothemandtheyfeelatendernessforthemonaccountoftheassociations。Why,itislikepreservingacancerinafamilybecauseitisafamilycancer,andweareboundtoitbythetestofaffectionandreverenceandold,mouldyantiquity。
Ithinkthatthisdeclarationtoimprovethisorthographyofoursisourfamilycancer,andIwishwecouldreconcileourselvestohaveitcutoutandletthefamilycancergo。
Now,youseebeforeyouthewreckandruinofwhatwasonceayoungpersonlikeyourselves。Iamexhaustedbytheheatoftheday。I
musttakewhatisleftofthiswreckandrunoutofyourpresenceandcarryitawaytomyhomeandspreaditoutthereandsleepthesleepoftherighteous。Thereisnothingmuchleftofmebutmyageandmyrighteousness,butIleavewithyoumyloveandmyblessing,andmayyoualwayskeepyouryouth。
BOOKSANDBURGLARS。
ADDRESSTOTHEREDDING（CONN。）LIBRARYASSOCIATION,OCTOBER28,1908。
SUPPOSEthislibraryhadbeeninoperationafewweeksago,andtheburglarswhohappenedalongandbrokeintomyhouse—takingalotofthingstheydidn\'tneed,andforthatmatterwhichIdidn\'tneed—hadfirstmadeentryintothisinstitution。
Picturethemseatedhereonthefloor,poringbythelightoftheirdark—lanternsoversomeofthebookstheyfound,andthusabsorbingmoraltruthsandgettingamoraluplift。Thewholecourseoftheirliveswouldhavebeenchanged。Asitwas,theykeptstraightonintheirimmoralwayandweresenttojail。
Forallweknow,theymaynextbesenttoCongress。
And,speakingofburglars,letusnotspeakofthemtooharshly。
Now,Ihaveknownsomanyburglars—notexactlyknown,butsomanyofthemhavecomenearmeinmyvariousdwelling—places,thatIamdisposedtoallowthemcreditforwhatevergoodqualitiestheypossess。
Chiefamongthese,and,indeed,theonlyoneIjustnowthinkof,istheirgreatcarewhiledoingbusinesstoavoiddisturbingpeople\'ssleep。
Noiselessastheymaybewhileatwork,however,theeffectoftheirvisitationistomurdersleeplateron。
Nowwearepreparedforthesevisitors。Allsortsofalarmdeviceshavebeenputinthehouse,andthegroundforhalfamilearoundithasbeenelectrified。Theburglarwhostepswithinthisdangerzonewillsetlooseabedlamofsounds,andspringintoreadinessforactionourelaboratesystemofdefences。Asforthefateofthetrespasser,donotseektoknowthat。Hewillneverbeheardofmore。
AUTHORS\'CLUB。
ADDRESSATTHEDINNERGIVENINHONOROFMR。CLEMENS,LONDON,JUNE,1899。
Mr。ClemenswasintroducedbySirWalterBesant。
ITdoesnotembarrassmetohearmybookspraisedsomuch。Itonlypleasesanddelightsme。Ihavenotgonebeyondtheagewhenembarrassmentispossible,butIhavereachedtheagewhenIknowhowtoconcealit。ItissuchasatisfactiontometohearSirWalterBesant,whoismuchmorecapablethanItojudgeofmywork,deliverajudgmentwhichissuchacontentmenttomyspirit。
Well,Ihavethoughtwellofthebooksmyself,butIthinkmoreofthemnow。ItcharmsmealsotohearSirSpencerWalpoledeliverasimilarjudgment,andIshalltreasurehisremarksalso。Ishallnotdiscountthepraisesinanypossibleway。WhenIreportthemtomyfamilytheyshalllosenothing。Thereare,however,certainhereditieswhichcomedowntouswhichourwritingsofthepresentdaymaybetracedto。I,forinstance,readtheWalpoleLetterswhenIwasaboy。
Iabsorbedthem,gatheredintheirgrace,wit,andhumor,andputthemawaytobeusedby—and—by。Onedoesthatsounconsciouslywiththingsonereallylikes。Iamremindednowofwhatusethoselettershavebeentome。