VALENTINE。Certainly，Mrs。Clandon。
GLORIA。ShallIcome？
MRS。CLANDON。No，dear。Iwanttobealone。Shegoesout，evidentlystillagooddealtroubled。Valentineopensthedoorforherandfollowsherout。
PHILIPsignificantly——toDolly。Hmhm!
DOLLYsignificantlytoPhilip。Ahah!Theparlormaidanswersthebell。
DOLLY。Showtheoldgentlemanup。
THEPARLORMAIDpuzzled。Madam？
DOLLY。Theoldgentlemanwiththetoothache。
PHILIP。Thelandlord。
THEPARLORMAID。Mr。Crampton，Sir？
PHILIP。IshisnameCrampton？
DOLLYtoPhilip。Soundsrheumaticky，doesn\'tit？
PHILIP。Chalkstones，probably。
DOLLYoverhershoulder，totheparlormaid。ShowMr。Crampstonesup。GoesR。towriting-tablechair。
THEPARLORMAIDcorrectingher。Mr。Crampton，miss。Shegoes。
DOLLYrepeatingittoherselflikealesson。Crampton，Crampton，Crampton，Crampton，Crampton。Shesitsdownstudiouslyatthewriting-
table。Imustgetthatnameright，orHeavenknowswhatIshallcallhim。
GLORIA。Phil:canyoubelievesuchahorriblethingasthataboutourfather——whatmothersaidjustnow？
PHILIP。Oh，therearelotsofpeopleofthatkind。OldChaliceusedtothrashhiswifeanddaughterswithacartwhip。
DOLLYcontemptuously。Yes，aPortuguese!
PHILIP。Whenyoucometomenwhoarebrutes，thereismuchincommonbetweenthePortugueseandtheEnglishvariety，Doll。Trustmyknowledgeofhumannature。Heresumeshispositiononthehearthrugwithanelderlyandresponsibleair。
GLORIAwithangeredremorse。Idon\'tthinkweshalleverplayagainatouroldgameofguessingwhatourfatherwastobelike。
Dolly:areyousorryforyourfather——thefatherwithlotsofmoney？
DOLLY。Oh，come!Whataboutyourfather——thelonelyoldmanwiththetenderachingheart？He\'sprettywellburstup，Ithink。
PHILIP。Therecanbenodoubtthatthegovernorisanexplodedsuperstition。Valentineisheardtalkingtosomebodyoutsidethedoor。Buthark:hecomes。
GLORIAnervously。Who？
DOLLY。Chalkstones。
PHILIP。Sh!Attention。Theyputontheirbestmanners。PhilipaddsinalowervoicetoGloriaIfhe\'sgoodenoughforthelunch，I\'llnodtoDolly；andifshenodstoyou，invitehimstraightaway。
Valentinecomesbackwithhislandlord。Mr。FergusCramptonisamanofaboutsixty，tall，hardandstringy，withanatrociouslyobstinate，illtempered，graspingmouth，andaquerulouslydogmaticvoice。Withalheishighlynervousandsensitive，judgingbyhisthintransparentskinmarkedwithmultitudinouslines，andhisslenderfingers。Hisconsequentcapacityforsufferingacutelyfromallthedislikethathistemperandobstinacycanbringuponhimisprovedbyhiswistful，woundedeyes，byaplaintivenoteinhisvoice，apainfulwantofconfidenceinhiswelcome，andaconstantbutindifferentlysuccessfulefforttocorrecthisnaturalincivilityofmannerandpronenesstotakeoffence。Byhiskeenbrowsandforeheadheisclearlyashrewdman；andthereisnosignofstraitenedmeansorcommercialdiffidenceabouthim:heiswelldressed，andwouldbeclassedataguessasaprosperousmastermanufacturerinabusinessinheritedfromanoldfamilyinthearistocracyoftrade。Hisnavybluecoatisnotoftheusualfashionablepattern。Itisnotexactlyapilot\'scoat；butitiscutthatway，doublebreasted，andwithstoutbuttonsandbroadlappels，acoatforashipyardratherthanacountinghouse。HehastakenafancytoValentine，whocaresnothingforhiscrossnessofgrainandtreatshimwithasortofdisrespectfulhumanity，forwhichheissecretlygrateful。
VALENTINE。MayIintroduce——thisisMr。Crampton——MissDorothyClandon，Mr。PhilipClandon，MissClandon。Cramptonstandsnervouslybowing。Theyallbow。Sitdown，Mr。Crampton。
DOLLYpointingtotheoperatingchair。Thatisthemostcomfortablechair，Mr。Ch——crampton。
CRAMPTON。Thankyou；butwon\'tthisyounglady——indicatingGloria，whoisclosetothechair？
GLORIA。Thankyou，Mr。Crampton:wearejustgoing。
VALENTINEbustlinghimacrosstothechairwithgood-humoredperemptoriness。Sitdown，sitdown。You\'retired。
CRAMPTON。Well，perhapsasIamconsiderablytheoldestpersonpresent，I——Hefinishesthesentencebysittingdownalittlerheumaticallyintheoperatingchair。Meanwhile，Philip，havingstudiedhimcriticallyduringhispassageacrosstheroom，nodstoDolly；andDollynodstoGloria。
GLORIA。Mr。Crampton:weunderstandthatwearepreventingMr。
Valentinefromlunchingwithyoubytakinghimawayourselves。Mymotherwouldbeveryglad，indeed，ifyouwouldcometoo。
CRAMPTONgratefully，afterlookingatherearnestlyforamoment。
Thankyou。Iwillcomewithpleasure。
GLORIA}politely{Thankyouverymuch——er——
DOLLY}murmuring。{Soglad——er——
PHILIP}{Delighted，I\'msure——er——
Theconversationdrops。GloriaandDollylookatoneanother；thenatValentineandPhilip。ValentineandPhilip，unequaltotheoccasion，lookawayfromthematoneanother，andareinstantlysodisconcertedbycatchingoneanother\'seye，thattheylookbackagainandcatchtheeyesofGloriaandDolly。Thus，catchingoneanotherallround，theyalllookatnothingandarequiteataloss。Cramptonlooksabouthim，waitingforthemtobegin。Thesilencebecomesunbearable。
DOLLYsuddenly，tokeepthingsgoing。Howoldareyou，Mr。
Crampton？
GLORIAhastily。Iamafraidwemustbegoing，Mr。Valentine。Itisunderstood，then，thatwemeetathalfpastone。Shemakesforthedoor。Philipgoeswithher。Valentineretreatstothebell。
VALENTINE。Halfpastone。Heringsthebell。Manythanks。HefollowsGloriaandPhiliptothedoor，andgoesoutwiththem。
DOLLYwhohasmeanwhilestolenacrosstoCrampton。Makehimgiveyougas。It\'sfiveshillingsextra:butit\'sworthit。
CRAMPTONamused。Verywell。Lookingmoreearnestlyather。Soyouwanttoknowmyage，doyou？I\'mfifty-seven。
DOLLYwithconviction。Youlookit。
CRAMPTONgrimly。IdaresayIdo。
DOLLY。Whatareyoulookingatmesohardfor？Anythingwrong？
Shefeelswhetherherhatisright。
CRAMPTON。You\'relikesomebody。
DOLLY。Who？
CRAMPTON。Well，youhaveacuriouslookofmymother。
DOLLYincredulously。Yourmother!!!Quitesureyoudon\'tmeanyourdaughter？
CRAMPTONsuddenlyblackeningwithhate。Yes:I\'mquitesureI
don\'tmeanmydaughter。
DOLLYsympathetically。Toothbad？
CRAMPTON。No，no:nothing。Atwingeofmemory，MissClandon，notoftoothache。
DOLLY。Haveitout。\"Pluckfromthememoryarootedsorrow:\"withgas，fiveshillingsextra。
CRAMPTONvindicatively。No，notasorrow。Aninjurythatwasdonemeonce:that\'sall。Idon\'tforgetinjuries；andIdon\'twanttoforgetthem。Hisfeaturessettleintoanimplacablefrown。
re-enterPhilip:tolookforDolly。Hecomesdownbehindherunobserved。
DOLLYlookingcriticallyatCrampton\'sexpression。Idon\'tthinkweshalllikeyouwhenyouarebroodingoveryoursorrows。
PHILIPwhohasenteredtheroomunobserved，andstolenbehindher。
Mysistermeanswell，Mr。Crampton:butsheisindiscreet。NowDolly，outside!Hetakeshertowardsthedoor。
DOLLYinaperfectlyaudibleundertone。Hesayshe\'sonlyfifty-
seven；andhethinksmetheimageofhismother；andhehateshisdaughter；and——SheisinterruptedbythereturnofValentine。
VALENTINE。MissClandonhasgoneon。
PHILIP。Don\'tforgethalfpastone。
DOLLY。MindyouleaveMr。Cramptonwithenoughteethtoeatwith。
Theygoout。Valentinecomesdowntohiscabinet，andopensit。
CRAMPTON。That\'saspoiledchild，Mr。Valentine。That\'soneofyourmodernproducts。WhenIwasherage，Ihadmanyagoodhidingfreshinmymemorytoteachmemanners。
VALENTINEtakinguphisdentalmirrorandprobefromtheshelfinfrontofthecabinet。Whatdidyouthinkofhersister？
CRAMPTON。Youlikedherbetter，eh？
VALENTINErhapsodically。Shestruckmeasbeing——Hecheckshimself，andadds，prosaicallyHowever，that\'snotbusiness。HeplaceshimselfbehindCrampton\'srightshoulderandassumeshisprofessionaltone。Open，please。Cramptonopenshismouth。
Valentineputsthemirrorin，andexamineshisteeth。Hm!Youhavebrokenthatone。Whatapitytospoilsuchasplendidsetofteeth!
Whydoyoucracknutswiththem？Hewithdrawsthemirror，andcomesforwardtoconversewithCrampton。
CRAMPTON。I\'vealwayscrackednutswiththem:whatelsearetheyfor？Dogmatically。Theproperwaytokeepteethgoodistogivethemplentyofuseonbonesandnuts，andwashthemeverydaywithsoap——
plainyellowsoap。
VALENTINE。Soap!Whysoap？
CRAMPTON。IbeganusingitasaboybecauseIwasmadeto；andI\'veusediteversince。AndIneverhadtoothacheinmylife。
VALENTINE。Don\'tyoufinditrathernasty？
CRAMPTON。Ifoundthatmostthingsthatweregoodformewerenasty。
ButIwastaughttoputupwiththem，andmadetoputupwiththem。I\'musedtoitnow:infact，Ilikethetastewhenthesoapisreallygood。
VALENTINEmakingawryfaceinspiteofhimself。Youseemtohavebeenverycarefullyeducated，Mr。Crampton。
CRAMPTONgrimly。Iwasn\'tspoiled，atallevents。
VALENTINEsmilingalittletohimself。Areyouquitesure？
CRAMPTON。Whatd\'y\'mean？
VALENTINE。Well，yourteetharegood，Iadmit。ButI\'veseenjustasgoodinveryself-indulgentmouths。Hegoestotheledgeofcabinetandchangestheprobeforanotherone。
CRAMPTON。It\'snottheeffectontheteeth:it\'stheeffectonthecharacter。
VALENTINEplacably。Oh，thecharacter，Isee。Herecommencesoperations。Alittlewider，please。Hm!Thatonewillhavetocomeout:it\'spastsaving。Hewithdrawstheprobeandagaincomestothesideofthechairtoconverse。Don\'tbealarmed:youshan\'tfeelanything。I\'llgiveyougas。
CRAMPTON。Rubbish，man:Iwantnoneofyourgas。Outwithit。
Peopleweretaughttobearnecessarypaininmyday。
VALENTINE。Oh，ifyoulikebeinghurt，allright。I\'llhurtyouasmuchasyoulike，withoutanyextrachargeforthebeneficialeffectonyourcharacter。
CRAMPTONrisingandglaringathim。Youngman:youowemesixweeks\'rent。
VALENTINE。Ido。
CRAMPTON。Canyoupayme？
VALENTINE。No。
CRAMPTONsatisfiedwithhisadvantage。Ithoughtnot。Howsoond\'y\'thinkyou\'llbeabletopaymeifyouhavenobettermannersthantomakegameofyourpatients？Hesitsdownagain。
VALENTINE。Mygoodsir:mypatientshaven\'tallformedtheircharactersonkitchensoap。
CRAMPTONsuddenlygrippinghimbythearmasheturnsawayagaintothecabinet。Somuchtheworseforthem。Itellyouyoudon\'tunderstandmycharacter。IfIcouldspareallmyteeth，I\'dmakeyoupullthemalloutoneafteranothertoshewyouwhataproperlyhardenedmancangothroughwithwhenhe\'smadeuphismindtodoit。Henodsathimtoenforcetheeffectofthisdeclaration，andreleaseshim。
VALENTINEhiscarelesspleasantryquiteunruffled。Andyouwanttobemorehardened，doyou？
CRAMPTON。Yes。
VALENTINEstrollingawaytothebell。Well，you\'requitehardenoughformealready——asalandlord。Cramptonreceivesthiswithagrowlofgrimhumor。Valentineringsthebell，andremarksinacheerful，casualway，whilstwaitingforittobeanswered。Whydidyounevergetmarried，Mr。Crampton？Awifeandchildrenwouldhavetakensomeofthehardnessoutofyou。
CRAMPTONwithunexpectedferocity。Whatthedevilisthattoyou？
Theparlormaidappearsatthedoor。
VALENTINEpolitely。Somewarmwater，please。Sheretires:andValentinecomesbacktothecabinet，notatallputoutbyCrampton\'srudeness，andcarriesontheconversationwhilstheselectsaforcepsandplacesitreadytohishandwithagagandadrinkingglass。Youwereaskingmewhatthedevilthatwastome。Well，Ihaveanideaofgettingmarriedmyself。
CRAMPTONwithgrumblingirony。Naturally，sir，naturally。Whenayoungmanhascometohislastfarthing，andiswithintwenty-fourhoursofhavinghisfurnituredistraineduponbyhislandlord，hemarries。
I\'venoticedthatbefore。Well，marry；andbemiserable。
VALENTINE。Oh，come，whatdoyouknowaboutit？
CRAMPTON。I\'mnotabachelor。
VALENTINE。ThenthereisaMrs。Crampton？
CRAMPTONwincingwithapangofresentment。Yes——damnher!
VALENTINEunperturbed。Hm!Afather，too，perhaps，aswellasahusband，Mr。Crampton？
CRAMPTON。Threechildren。
VALENTINEpolitely。Damnthem？——eh？
CRAMPTONjealously。No，sir:thechildrenareasmuchmineashers。Theparlormaidbringsinajugofhotwater。
VALENTINE。Thankyou。Hetakesthejugfromher，andbringsittothecabinet，continuinginthesameidlestrainIreallyshouldliketoknowyourfamily，Mr。Crampton。Theparlormaidgoesout:andhepourssomehotwaterintothedrinkingglass。
CRAMPTON。SorryIcan\'tintroduceyou，sir。I\'mhappytosaythatI
don\'tknowwheretheyare，anddon\'tcare，solongastheykeepoutofmyway。Valentine，withahitchofhiseyebrowsandshoulders，dropstheforcepswithaclinkintotheglassofhotwater。Youneedn\'twarmthatthingtouseonme。I\'mnotafraidofthecoldsteel。Valentinestoopstoarrangethegaspumpandcylinderbesidethechair。What\'sthatheavything？
VALENTINE。Oh，nevermind。Somethingtoputmyfooton，togetthenecessarypurchaseforagoodpull。Cramptonlooksalarmedinspiteofhimself。Valentinestandsuprightandplacestheglasswiththeforcepsinitreadytohishand，chattingonwithprovokingindifference。Andsoyouadvisemenottogetmarried，Mr。Crampton？Hestoopstofitthehandleontheapparatusbywhichthechairisraisedandlowered。
CRAMPTONirritably。Iadviseyoutogetmytoothoutandhavedoneremindingmeofmywife。Comealong，man。Hegripsthearmsofthechairandbraceshimself。
VALENTINEpausing，withhishandonthelever，tolookupathimandsay。WhatdoyoubetthatIdon\'tgetthattoothoutwithoutyourfeelingit？
CRAMPTON。Yoursixweek\'srent，youngman。Don\'tyougammonme。
VALENTINEjumpingatthebetandwindinghimaloftvigorously。
Done!Areyouready？Crampton，whohaslosthisgripofthechairinhisalarmatitssuddenascent，foldshisarms:sitsstifflyupright:
andpreparesfortheworst。Valentineletsdownthebackofthechairtoanobtuseangle。
CRAMPTONclutchingatthearmsofthechairashefallsback。Takecareman。I\'mquitehelplessinthispo——
VALENTINEdeftlystoppinghimwiththegag，andsnatchingupthemouthpieceofthegasmachine。You\'llbemorehelplesspresently。HepressesthemouthpieceoverCrampton\'smouthandnose，leaningoverhischestsoastoholdhisheadandshoulderswelldownonthechair。
CramptonmakesaninarticulatesoundinthemouthpieceandtriestolayhandsonValentine，whomhesupposestobeinfrontofhim。Afteramomenthisarmswaveaimlessly，thensubsideanddrop。Heisquiteinsensible。Valentine，withanexclamationofsomewhatpreoccupiedtriumph，throwsasidethemouthpiecequickly:picksuptheforcepsadroitlyfromtheglass:and——thecurtainfalls。
ENDOFACTI。
ActII
OntheterraceattheMarineHotel。Itisasquareflaggedplatform，withaparapetofheavyoiljarpilasterssupportingabroadstonecopingontheouteredge，whichstandsupoverthesealikeacliff。
Theheadwaiteroftheestablishment，busylayingnapkinsonaluncheontablewithhisbacktothesea，hasthehotelonhisright，andonhisleft，inthecornernearestthesea，theflightofstepsleadingdowntothebeach。
Whenhelooksdowntheterraceinfrontofhimheseesalittletohisleftasolitaryguest，amiddle-agedgentlemansittingonachairofironlathsatalittleirontablewithabowloflumpsugarandthreewaspsonit，readingtheStandard，withhisumbrellauptodefendhimfromthesun，which，inAugustandatlessthananhourafternoon，istoastinghisprotendedinsteps。Justoppositehim，atthehotelsideoftheterrace，thereisagardenseatoftheordinaryesplanadepattern。
Accesstothehotelforvisitorsisbyanentranceinthemiddleofitsfacade，reachedbyacoupleofstepsonabroadsquareofraisedpavement。Nearertheparapettherelurksawaytothekitchen，maskedbyalittletrellisporch。Thetableatwhichthewaiterisoccupiedisalongone，setacrosstheterracewithcoversandchairsforfive，twoateachsideandoneattheendnextthehotel。Againsttheparapetanothertableispreparedasabuffettoservefrom。
Thewaiterisaremarkablepersoninhisway。Asilkyoldman，white-hairedanddelicatelooking，butsocheerfulandcontentedthatinhisencouragingpresenceambitionstandsrebukedasvulgarity，andimaginationastreasontotheaboundingsufficiencyandinterestoftheactual。Hehasacertainexpressionpeculiartomenwhohavebeenextraordinarilysuccessfulintheircalling，andwho，whilstawareofthevanityofsuccess，areuntouchedbyenvy。
Thegentlemanattheirontableisnotdressedfortheseaside。HewearshisLondonfrockcoatandgloves；andhistallsilkhatisonthetablebesidethesugarbowl。Theexcellentconditionandqualityofthesegarments，thegold-rimmedfoldingspectaclesthroughwhichheisreadingtheStandard，andtheTimesathiselbowoverlayingthelocalpaper，alltestifytohisrespectability。Heisaboutfifty，cleanshaven，andclose-cropped，withthecornersofhismouthturneddownpurposely，asifhesuspectedthemofwantingtoturnup，andwasdeterminednottoletthemhavetheirway。Hehaslargeexpansiveears，codcoloredeyes，andabrowkeptresolutelywideopen，asif，again，hehadresolvedinhisyouthtobetruthful，magnanimous，andincorruptible，buthadneversucceededinmakingthathabitofmindautomaticandunconscious。Still，heisbynomeanstobelaughedat。
Thereisnosignofstupidityorinfirmityofwillabouthim:onthecontrary，hewouldpassanywhereatsightasamanofmorethanaverageprofessionalcapacityandresponsibility。Justatpresentheisenjoyingtheweatherandtheseatoomuchtobeoutofpatience；buthehasexhaustedallthenewsinhispapersandisatpresentreducedtotheadvertisements，whicharenotsufficientlysucculenttoinducehimtoperseverewiththem。
THEGENTLEMANyawningandgivingupthepaperasabadjob。
Waiter!
WAITER。Sir？comingdownC。
THEGENTLEMAN。AreyouquitesureMrs。Clandoniscomingbackbeforelunch？
WAITER。Quitesure，sir。Sheexpectsyouataquartertoone，sir。
Thegentleman，soothedatoncebythewaiter\'svoice，looksathimwithalazysmile。Itisaquietvoice，withagentlemelodyinitthatgivessympatheticinteresttohismostcommonplaceremark；andhespeakswiththesweetestpropriety，neitherdroppinghisaitchesnormisplacingthem，norcommittinganyothervulgarism。HelooksathiswatchashecontinuesNotthatyet，sir，isit？12:43，sir。Onlytwominutesmoretowait，sir。Nicemorning，sir？
THEGENTLEMAN。Yes:veryfreshafterLondon。
WAITER。Yes，sir:soallourvisitorssay，sir。Verynicefamily，Mrs。Clandon\'s，sir。
THEGENTLEMAN。Youlikethem，doyou？
WAITER。Yes，sir。Theyhaveafreewaywiththemthatisverytaking，sir，verytakingindeed，sir:especiallytheyoungladyandgentleman。
THEGENTLEMAN。MissDorotheaandMr。Philip，Isuppose。
WAITER。Yes，sir。Theyounglady，ingivinganorder，orthelikeofthat，willsay，\"Remember，William，wecametothishotelonyouraccount，havingheardwhataperfectwaiteryouare。\"TheyounggentlemanwilltellmethatIremindhimstronglyofhisfatherthegentlemanstartsatthisandthatheexpectsmetoactbyhimassuch。
Soothing，sunnycadence。Oh，verypeasant，sir，veryaffableandpleasantindeed!
THEGENTLEMAN。Youlikehisfather!Helaughsatthenotion。
WAITER。Oh，wemustnottakewhattheysaytooseriously，sir。Ofcourse，sir，ifitweretrue，theyoungladywouldhaveseentheresemblance，too，sir。
THEGENTLEMAN。Didshe？
WAITER。No，sir。ShethoughtmelikethebustofShakespearinStratfordChurch，sir。ThatiswhyshecallsmeWilliam，sir。MyrealnameisWalter，sir。Heturnstogobacktothetable，andseesMrs。
Clandoncominguptotheterracefromthebeachbythesteps。HereisMrs。Clandon，sir。ToMrs。Clandon，inanunobtrusivelyconfidentialtoneGentlemanforyou，ma\'am。
MRS。CLANDON。Weshallhavetwomoregentlemenatlunch，William。
WAITER。Right，ma\'am。Thankyou，ma\'am。Hewithdrawsintothehotel。Mrs。Clandoncomesforwardlookingroundforhervisitor，butpassesoverthegentlemanwithoutanysignofrecognition。
THEGENTLEMANpeeringatherquaintlyfromundertheumbrella。
Don\'tyouknowme？
MRS。CLANDONincredulously，lookinghardathimAreyouFinchMcComas？
McCOMAS。Can\'tyouguess？Heshutstheumbrella；putsitaside；
andjocularlyplantshimselfwithhishandsonhishipstobeinspected。
MRS。CLANDON。Ibelieveyouare。Shegiveshimherhand。Theshakethatensuesisthatofoldfriendsafteralongseparation。
Where\'syourbeard？
McCOMASwithhumoroussolemnity。Wouldyouemployasolicitorwithabeard？
MRS。CLANDONpointingtothesilkhatonthetable。Isthatyourhat？
McCOMAS。Wouldyouemployasolicitorwithasombrero？
MRS。CLANDON。Ihavethoughtofyoualltheseeighteenyearswiththebeardandthesombrero。Shesitsdownonthegardenseat。McComastakeshischairagain。DoyougotothemeetingsoftheDialecticalSocietystill？
McCOMASgravely。Idonotfrequentmeetingsnow。
MRS。CLANDON。Finch:Iseewhathashappened。Youhavebecomerespectable。
McCOMAS。Haven\'tyou？
MRS。CLANDON。Notabit。
McCOMAS。Youholdtoyouroldopinionsstill？
MRS。CLANDON。Asfirmlyasever。
McCOMAS。Blessme!Andyouarestillreadytomakespeechesinpublic，inspiteofyoursexMrs。Clandonnods；toinsistonamarriedwoman\'srighttoherownseparatepropertyshenodsagain；tochampionDarwin\'sviewoftheoriginofspeciesandJohnStuartMill\'sessayonLibertynod；toreadHuxley，TyndallandGeorgeEliotthreenods；
andtodemandUniversitydegrees，theopeningoftheprofessions，andtheparliamentaryfranchiseforwomenaswellasmen？
MRS。CLANDONresolutely。Yes:Ihavenotgonebackoneinch；andI
haveeducatedGloriatotakeupmyworkwhereIleftit。ThatiswhathasbroughtmebacktoEngland:IfeltthatIhadnorighttoburyheraliveinMadeira——mySt。Helena，Finch。IsupposeshewillbehowledatasIwas；butsheispreparedforthat。
McCOMAS。Howledat!Mydeargoodlady:thereisnothinginanyofthoseviewsnow-a-daystopreventherfrommarryingabishop。Youreproachedmejustnowforhavingbecomerespectable。Youwerewrong:I
holdtoouroldopinionsasstronglyasever。Idon\'tgotochurch；andIdon\'tpretendIdo。IcallmyselfwhatIam:aPhilosophicRadical，standingforlibertyandtherightsoftheindividual，asIlearnttodofrommymasterHerbertSpencer。AmIhowledat？No:I\'mindulgedasanoldfogey。I\'moutofeverything，becauseI\'verefusedtobowthekneetoSocialism。
MRS。CLANDONshocked。Socialism。
McCOMAS。Yes，Socialism。That\'swhatMissGloriawillbeuptoherearsinbeforetheendofthemonthifyouletherloosehere。
MRS。CLANDONemphatically。ButIcanprovetoherthatSocialismisafallacy。
McCOMAStouchingly。Itisbyprovingthat，Mrs。Clandon，thatI
havelostallmyyoungdisciples。Becarefulwhatyoudo:lethergoherownway。Withsomebitterness。We\'reold-fashioned:theworldthinksithasleftusbehind。ThereisonlyoneplaceinallEnglandwhereyouropinionswouldstillpassasadvanced。
MRS。CLANDONscornfullyunconvinced。TheChurch，perhaps？
McCOMAS。No，thetheatre。Andnowtobusiness!Whyhaveyoumademecomedownhere？
MRS。CLANDON。Well，partlybecauseIwantedtoseeyou——
McCOMASwithgood-humoredirony。Thanks。
MRS。CLANDON——andpartlybecauseIwantyoutoexplaineverythingtothechildren。Theyknownothing；andnowthatwehavecomebacktoEngland，itisimpossibletoleavetheminignoranceanylonger。
Agitated。Finch:Icannotbringmyselftotellthem。I——SheisinterruptedbythetwinsandGloria。Dollycomestearingupthesteps，racingPhilip，whocombinesaterrificspeedwithunhurriedproprietyofbearingwhich，however，costshimtherace，asDollyreacheshermotherfirstandalmostupsetsthegardenseatbytheprecipitancyofherarrival。
DOLLYbreathless。It\'sallright，mamma。Thedentistiscoming；
andhe\'sbringinghisoldman。
MRS。CLANDON。Dolly，dear:don\'tyouseeMr。McComas？Mr。McComasrises，smilingly。
DOLLYherfacefallingwiththemostdisparaginglyobviousdisappointment。This!Wherearetheflowinglocks？
PHILIPsecondingherwarmly。Wherethebeard？——thecloak？——thepoeticexterior？
DOLLY。Oh，Mr。McComas，you\'vegoneandspoiledyourself。Whydidn\'tyouwaittillwe\'dseenyou？
McCOMAStakenaback，butrallyinghishumortomeettheemergency。
Becauseeighteenyearsistoolongforasolicitortogowithouthavinghishaircut。
GLORIAattheothersideofMcComas。Howdoyoudo，Mr。McComas？
Heturns；andshetakeshishandandpressesit，withafrankstraightlookintohiseyes。Wearegladtomeetyouatlast。
McCOMAS。MissGloria，Ipresume？Gloriasmilesassent，andreleaseshishandafterafinalpressure。Shethenretiresbehindthegardenseat，leaningoverthebackbesideMrs。Clandon。Andthisyounggentleman？
PHILIP。Iwaschristenedinacomparativelyprosaicmood。Mynameis——
DOLLYcompletinghissentenceforhimdeclamatorily。\"Norval。OntheGrampianhills\"——
PHILIPdeclaiminggravely。\"Myfatherfeedshisflock，afrugalswain\"——
MRS。CLANDONremonstrating。Dear，dearchildren:don\'tbesilly。
Everythingissonewtothemhere，Finch，thattheyareinthewildestspirits。TheythinkeveryEnglishmantheymeetisajoke。
DOLLY。Well，soheis:it\'snotourfault。
PHILIP。Myknowledgeofhumannatureisfairlyextensive，Mr。
McComas；butIfinditimpossibletotaketheinhabitantsofthisislandseriously。
McCOMAS。Ipresume，sir，youareMasterPhilipofferinghishand？
PHILIPtakingMcComas\'shandandlookingsolemnlyathim。IwasMasterPhilip——wassoformanyyears；justasyouwereonceMasterFinch。Hegiveshishandasingleshakeanddropsit；thenturnsaway，exclaimingmeditativelyHowstrangeitistolookbackonourboyhood!
McComasstaresafterhim，notatallpleased。
DOLLYtoMrs。Clandon。HasFinchhadadrink？
MRS。CLANDONremonstrating。Dearest:Mr。McComaswilllunchwithus。
DOLLY。Haveyouorderedforseven？Don\'tforgettheoldgentleman。
MRS。CLANDON。Ihavenotforgottenhim，dear。Whatishisname？
DOLLY。Chalkstones。He\'llbehereathalfpastone。ToMcComas。
Arewelikewhatyouexpected？
MRS。CLANDONchanginghertonetoamoreearnestone。Dolly:Mr。
McComashassomethingmoreseriousthanthattotellyou。Children:I
haveaskedmyoldfriendtoanswerthequestionyouaskedthismorning。
Heisyourfather\'sfriendaswellasmine:andhewilltellyouthestorymorefairlythanIcould。TurningherheadfromthemtoGloria。
Gloria:areyousatisfied？
GLORIAgravelyattentive。Mr。McComasisverykind。
McCOMASnervously。Notatall，mydearyounglady:notatall。Atthesametime，thisisrathersudden。Iwashardlyprepared——er——
DOLLYsuspiciously。Oh，wedon\'twantanythingprepared。
PHILIPexhortinghim。Tellusthetruth。
DOLLYemphatically。Baldheaded。
McCOMASnettled。IhopeyouintendtotakewhatIhavetosayseriously。
PHILIPwithprofoundmockgravity。Ihopeitwilldeserveit，Mr。
McComas。Myknowledgeofhumannatureteachesmenottoexpecttoomuch。
MRS。CLANDONremonstrating。Phil——
PHILIP。Yes，mother，allright。Ibegyourpardon，Mr。McComas:
don\'tmindus。
DOLLYinconciliation。Wemeanwell。
PHILIP。Shutup，both。
Dollyholdsherlips。McComastakesachairfromtheluncheontable；placesitbetweenthelittletableandthegardenseatwithDollyonhisrightandPhiliponhisleft；andsettleshimselfinitwiththeairofamanabouttobeginalongcommunication。TheClandonsmatchhimexpectantly。
McCOMAS。Ahem!Yourfather——
DOLLYinterrupting。Howoldishe？
PHILIP。Sh!
MRS。CLANDONsoftly。DearDolly:don\'tletusinterruptMr。
McComas。
McCOMASemphatically。Thankyou，Mrs。Clandon。Thankyou。ToDolly。Yourfatherisfifty-seven。
DOLLYwithabound，startledandexcited。Fifty-seven!Wheredoeshelive？
MRS。CLANDONremonstrating。Dolly，Dolly!
McCOMASstoppingher。Letmeanswerthat，Mrs。Clandon。Theanswerwillsurpriseyouconsiderably。Helivesinthistown。Mrs。
Clandonrises。SheandGlorialookatoneanotherinthegreatestconsternation。
DOLLYwithconviction。Iknewit!Phil:Chalkstonesisourfather。
McCOMAS。Chalkstones!
DOLLY。Oh，Crampstones，orwhateveritis。HesaidIwaslikehismother。Iknewhemustmeanhisdaughter。
PHILIPveryseriously。Mr。McComas:Idesiretoconsideryourfeelingsineverypossibleway:butIwarnyouthatifyoustretchthelongarmofcoincidencetothelengthoftellingmethatMr。Cramptonofthistownismyfather，Ishalldeclinetoentertaintheinformationforamoment。
McCOMAS。Andpraywhy？
PHILIP。BecauseIhaveseenthegentleman；andheisentirelyunfittobemyfather，orDolly\'sfather，orGloria\'sfather，ormymother\'shusband。
McCOMAS。Oh，indeed!Well，sir，letmetellyouthatwhetheryoulikeitornot，heisyourfather，andyoursister\'father，andMrs。
Clandon\'shusband。Now!Whathaveyoutosaytothat!
DOLLYwhimpering。Youneedn\'tbesocross。Cramptonisn\'tyourfather。
PHILIP。Mr。McComas:yourconductisheartless。Hereyoufindafamilyenjoyingtheunspeakablepeaceandfreedomofbeingorphans。Wehaveneverseenthefaceofarelative——neverknownaclaimexcepttheclaimoffreelychosenfriendship。Andnowyouwishtothrustintothemostintimaterelationshipwithusamanwhomwedon\'tknow——
DOLLYvehemently。Anawfuloldman!reproachfullyAndyoubeganasifyouhadquiteanicefatherforus。
McCOMASangrily。Howdoyouknowthatheisnotnice？Andwhatrighthaveyoutochooseyourownfather？raisinghisvoice。Letmetellyou，MissClandon，thatyouaretooyoungto——
DOLLYinterruptinghimsuddenlyandeagerly。Stop，Iforgot!Hasheanymoney？
McCOMAS。Hehasagreatdealofmoney。
DOLLYdelighted。Oh，whatdidIalwayssay，Phil？
PHILIP。Dolly:wehaveperhapsbeencondemningtheoldmantoohastily。Proceed，Mr。McComas。
McCOMAS。Ishallnotproceed，sir。Iamtoohurt，tooshocked，toproceed。
MRS。CLANDONurgently。Finch:doyourealizewhatishappening？
Doyouunderstandthatmychildrenhaveinvitedthatmantolunch，andthathewillbehereinafewmoments？
McCOMAScompletelyupset。What!doyoumean——amItounderstand——
isit——
PHILIPimpressively。Steady，Finch。Thinkitoutslowlyandcarefully。He\'scoming——comingtolunch。
GLORIA。Whichofusistotellhimthetruth？Haveyouthoughtofthat？
MRS。CLANDON。Finch:youmusttellhim。
DOLLYOh，Finchisnogoodattellingthings。Lookatthemesshehasmadeoftellingus。
McCOMAS。Ihavenotbeenallowedtospeak。Iprotestagainstthis。
DOLLYtakinghisarmcoaxingly。DearFinch:don\'tbecross。
MRS。CLANDON。Gloria:letusgoin。Hemayarriveatanymoment。
GLORIAproudly。Donotstir，mother。Ishallnotstir。Wemustnotrunaway。
MRS。CLANDONdelicatelyrebukingher。Mydear:wecannotsitdowntolunchjustasweare。Weshallcomebackagain。Wemusthavenobravado。Gloriawinces，andgoesintothehotelwithoutaword。
Come，Dolly。Asshegoesintothehoteldoor，thewaitercomesoutwithplates，etc。，fortwoadditionalcoversonatray。
WAITER。Gentlemencomeyet，ma\'am？
MRS。CLANDON。Twomoretocomeyet，thankyou。Theywillbehere，immediately。Shegoesintothehotel。Thewaitertakeshistraytotheservicetable。
PHILIP。Ihaveanidea。Mr。McComas:thiscommunicationshouldbemade，shoulditnot，byamanofinfinitetact？
McCOMAS。Itwillrequiretact，certainly。
PHILIPGood!Dolly:whosetactwereyounoticingonlythismorning？
DOLLYseizingtheideawithrapture。Oh，yes，Ideclare!William!
PHILIP。Theveryman!CallingWilliam!
WAITER。Coming，sir。