Thisoneisterse。Itranslate:
\"FourweeksforMISINTERPRETEDGALLANTRY。\"Iwishthesuffererhadexplainedalittlemorefully。
Afour-weektermisaratherseriousmatter。
Thereweremanyuncomplimentaryreferences，onthewalls，toacertainunpopulardignitary。Onesuffererhadgotthreedaysfornotsalutinghim。Anotherhad\"heretwodayssleptandthreenightslainawake，\"onaccountofthissame\"Dr。K。\"InoneplacewasapictureofDr。K。hangingonagallows。
Hereandthere，lonesomeprisonershadeasedtheheavytimebyalteringtherecordsleftbypredecessors。Leavingthenamestanding，andthedateandlengthofthecaptivity，theyhaderasedthedescriptionofthemisdemeanor，andwritteninitsplace，instaringcapitals，\"FORTHEFT!\"
or\"FORMURDER!\"orsomeothergaudycrime。Inoneplace，allbyitself，stoodthisblood-curdlingword:
\"Rache!\"[1]
1。\"Revenge!\"
Therewasnonamesigned，andnodate。Itwasaninscriptionwellcalculatedtopiquecuriosity。
Onewouldgreatlyliketoknowthenatureofthewrongthathadbeendone，andwhatsortofvengeancewaswanted，andwhethertheprisonereverachieveditornot。
Buttherewasnowayoffindingoutthesethings。
Occasionally，anamewasfollowedsimplybytheremark，\"IIdays，fordisturbingthepeace，\"andwithoutcommentuponthejusticeorinjusticeofthesentence。
Inoneplacewasahilariouspictureofastudentofthegreencapcorpswithabottleofchampagneineachhand；
andbelowwasthelegend:\"Thesemakeanevilfateendurable。\"
Thereweretwoprisoncells，andneitherhadspaceleftonwallsorceilingforanothernameorportraitorpicture。
TheinsidesurfacesofthetwodoorswerecompletelycoveredwithCARTESDEVISITEofformerprisoners，ingeniouslyletintothewoodandprotectedfromdirtandinjurybyglass。
Iverymuchwantedoneofthesorryoldtableswhichtheprisonershadspentsomanyyearsinornamentingwiththeirpocket-knives，butredtapewasintheway。
Thecustodiancouldnotsellonewithoutanorderfromasuperior；andthatsuperiorwouldhavetogetitfromHISsuperior；andthisonewouldhavetogetitfromahigherone——andsoonupandupuntilthefacultyshouldsitonthematteranddeliverfinaljudgment。
Thesystemwasright，andnobodycouldfindfaultwithit；
butitdidnotseemjustifiabletobothersomanypeople，soIproceedednofurther。ItmighthavecostmemorethanIcouldafford，anyway；foroneofthoseprisontables，whichwasatthetimeinaprivatemuseuminHeidelberg，wasafterwardsoldatauctionfortwohundredandfiftydollars。
Itwasnotworthmorethanadollar，orpossiblyadollarandhalf，beforethecaptivestudentsbegantheirworkonit。Personswhosawitattheauctionsaiditwassocuriouslyandwonderfullycarvedthatitwasworththemoneythatwaspaidforit。
Amongthemmanywhohavetastedthecollegeprison\'sdrearyhospitalitywasalivelyyoungfellowfromoneoftheSouthernstatesofAmerica，whosefirstyear\'sexperienceofGermanuniversitylifewasratherpeculiar。
ThedayhearrivedinHeidelbergheenrolledhisnameonthecollegebooks，andwassoelatedwiththefactthathisdearesthopehadfoundfruitionandhewasactuallyastudentoftheoldandrenowneduniversity，thathesettoworkthatverynighttocelebratetheeventbyagrandlarkincompanywithsomeotherstudents。
Inthecourseofhislarkhemanagedtomakeawidebreachinoneoftheuniversity\'smoststringentlaws。
Sequel:beforenoon，nextday，hewasinthecollegeprison——bookedforthreemonths。Thetwelvelongweeksdraggedslowlyby，andthedayofdeliverancecameatlast。
Agreatcrowdofsympathizingfellow-studentsreceivedhimwitharousingdemonstrationashecameforth，andofcoursetherewasanothergrandlark——inthecourseofwhichhemanagedtomakeawidebreachoftheCITY\'S
moststringentlaws。Sequel:beforenoon，nextday，hewassafeinthecitylockup——bookedforthreemonths。
Thissecondtediouscaptivitydrewtoanendinthecourseoftime，andagainagreatcrowdofsympathizingfellowstudentsgavehimarousingreceptionashecameforth；
buthisdelightinhisfreedomwassoboundlessthathecouldnotproceedsoberlyandcalmly，butmustgohoppingandskippingandjumpingdownthesleetystreetfromsheerexcessofjoy。Sequel:heslippedandbrokehisleg，andactuallylayinthehospitalduringthenextthreemonths!
Whenheatlastbecameafreemanagain，hesaidhebelievedhewouldhuntupabriskerseatoflearning；theHeidelberglecturesmightbegood，buttheopportunitiesofattendingthemweretoorare，theeducationalprocesstooslow；
hesaidhehadcometoEuropewiththeideathattheacquirementofaneducationwasonlyamatteroftime，butifhehadaveragedtheHeidelbergsystemcorrectly，itwasratheramatterofeternity。
APPENDIXD
TheAwfulGermanLanguageAlittlelearningmakesthewholeworldkin——
Proverbsxxxii，7。
IwentoftentolookatthecollectionofcuriositiesinHeidelbergCastle，andonedayIsurprisedthekeeperofitwithmyGerman。Ispokeentirelyinthatlanguage。
Hewasgreatlyinterested；andafterIhadtalkedawhilehesaidmyGermanwasveryrare，possiblya\"unique\"；
andwantedtoaddittohismuseum。
Ifhehadknownwhatithadcostmetoacquiremyart，hewouldalsohaveknownthatitwouldbreakanycollectortobuyit。HarrisandIhadbeenhardatworkonourGermanduringseveralweeksatthattime，andalthoughwehadmadegoodprogress，ithadbeenaccomplishedundergreatdifficultyandannoyance，forthreeofourteachershaddiedinthemeantime。
ApersonwhohasnotstudiedGermancanformnoideaofwhataperplexinglanguageitis。
Surelythereisnotanotherlanguagethatissoslipshodandsystemless，andsoslipperyandelusivetothegrasp。
Oneiswashedaboutinit，hitherandthither，inthemosthelplessway；andwhenatlasthethinkshehascapturedarulewhichoffersfirmgroundtotakearestonamidthegeneralrageandturmoilofthetenpartsofspeech，heturnsoverthepageandreads，\"LetthepupilmakecarefulnoteofthefollowingEXCEPTIONS。\"Herunshiseyedownandfindsthattherearemoreexceptionstotherulethaninstancesofit。Sooverboardhegoesagain，tohuntforanotherAraratandfindanotherquicksand。
Suchhasbeen，andcontinuestobe，myexperience。
EverytimeIthinkIhavegotoneofthesefourconfusing\"cases\"whereIammasterofit，aseeminglyinsignificantprepositionintrudesitselfintomysentence，clothedwithanawfulandunsuspectedpower，andcrumblesthegroundfromunderme。Forinstance，mybookinquiresafteracertainbird——itisalwaysinquiringafterthingswhichareofnosortofnoconsequencetoanybody:\"Whereisthebird?\"Nowtheanswertothisquestion——accordingtothebook——isthatthebirdiswaitingintheblacksmithshoponaccountoftherain。Ofcoursenobirdwoulddothat，butthenyoumuststicktothebook。Verywell，IbegintocipherouttheGermanforthatanswer。Ibeginatthewrongend，necessarily，forthatistheGermanidea。
Isaytomyself，\"REGENrainismasculine——ormaybeitisfeminine——orpossiblyneuter——itistoomuchtroubletolooknow。Therefore，itiseitherDERtheRegen，orDIEtheRegen，orDAStheRegen，accordingtowhichgenderitmayturnouttobewhenIlook。Intheinterestofscience，Iwillcipheritoutonthehypothesisthatitismasculine。Verywell——thenTHErainisDERRegen，ifitissimplyinthequiescentstateofbeingMENTIONED，withoutenlargementordiscussion——Nominativecase；
butifthisrainislyingaround，inakindofageneralwayontheground，itisthendefinitelylocated，itisDOINGSOMETHING——thatis，RESTINGwhichisoneoftheGermangrammar\'sideasofdoingsomething，andthisthrowstherainintotheDativecase，andmakesitDEMRegen。However，thisrainisnotresting，butisdoingsomethingACTIVELY，——itisfalling——tointerferewiththebird，likely——andthisindicatesMOVEMENT，whichhastheeffectofslidingitintotheAccusativecaseandchangingDEMRegenintoDENRegen。\"Havingcompletedthegrammaticalhoroscopeofthismatter，IanswerupconfidentlyandstateinGermanthatthebirdisstayingintheblacksmithshop\"wegenonaccountofDENRegen。\"
Thentheteacherletsmesoftlydownwiththeremarkthatwhenevertheword\"wegen\"dropsintoasentence，itALWAYSthrowsthatsubjectintotheGENITIVEcase，regardlessofconsequences——andthereforethisbirdstayedintheblacksmithshop\"wegenDESRegens。\"
N。B——Iwasinformed，later，byahigherauthority，thattherewasan\"exception\"whichpermitsonetosay\"wegenDENRegen\"incertainpeculiarandcomplexcircumstances，butthatthisexceptionisnotextendedtoanythingBUTrain。
Therearetenpartsofspeech，andtheyarealltroublesome。
Anaveragesentence，inaGermannewspaper，isasublimeandimpressivecuriosity；itoccupiesaquarterofacolumn；
itcontainsallthetenpartsofspeech——notinregularorder，butmixed；itisbuiltmainlyofcompoundwordsconstructedbythewriteronthespot，andnottobefoundinanydictionary——sixorsevenwordscompactedintoone，withoutjointorseam——thatis，withouthyphens；
ittreatsoffourteenorfifteendifferentsubjects，eachenclosedinaparenthesisofitsown，withhereandthereextraparentheses，makingpenswithpens:finally，alltheparenthesesandreparenthesesaremassedtogetherbetweenacoupleofking-parentheses，oneofwhichisplacedinthefirstlineofthemajesticsentenceandtheotherinthemiddleofthelastlineofit——AFTERWHICHCOMES
THEVERB，andyoufindoutforthefirsttimewhatthemanhasbeentalkingabout；andaftertheverb——merelybywayofornament，asfarasIcanmakeout——thewritershovelsin\"HABENSINDGEWESENGEHABTHAVENGEWORDENSEIN，\"
orwordstothateffect，andthemonumentisfinished。
Isupposethatthisclosinghurrahisinthenatureoftheflourishtoaman\'ssignature——notnecessary，butpretty。
Germanbooksareeasyenoughtoreadwhenyouholdthembeforethelooking-glassorstandonyourhead——soastoreversetheconstruction——butIthinkthattolearntoreadandunderstandaGermannewspaperisathingwhichmustalwaysremainanimpossibilitytoaforeigner。
YeteventheGermanbooksarenotentirelyfreefromattacksoftheParenthesisdistemper——thoughtheyareusuallysomildastocoveronlyafewlines，andthereforewhenyouatlastgetdowntotheverbitcarriessomemeaningtoyourmindbecauseyouareabletorememberagooddealofwhathasgonebefore。NowhereisasentencefromapopularandexcellentGermannovel——whichaslightparenthesisinit。Iwillmakeaperfectlyliteraltranslation，andthrowintheparenthesis-marksandsomehyphensfortheassistanceofthereader——thoughintheoriginaltherearenoparenthesis-marksorhyphens，andthereaderislefttoflounderthroughtotheremoteverbthebestwayhecan:
\"Butwhenhe，uponthestreet，thein-satin-and-silk-covered-
now-very-unconstrained-after-the-newest-fashioned-dressed
governmentcounselor\'swifeMET，\"etc。，etc。[1]
1。WenneraberaufderStrassederinSammtundSeidegehu\"lltenjetzsehrungenirtnachderneustenmodegekleidetenRegierungsrathinbegegnet。
ThatisfromTHEOLDMAMSELLE\'SSECRET，byMrs。Marlitt。
AndthatsentenceisconstructeduponthemostapprovedGermanmodel。Youobservehowfarthatverbisfromthereader\'sbaseofoperations；well，inaGermannewspapertheyputtheirverbawayoveronthenextpage；
andIhaveheardthatsometimesafterstringingalongtheexcitingpreliminariesandparenthesesforacolumnortwo，theygetinahurryandhavetogotopresswithoutgettingtotheverbatall。Ofcourse，then，thereaderisleftinaveryexhaustedandignorantstate。
WehavetheParenthesisdiseaseinourliterature，too；andonemayseecasesofiteverydayinourbooksandnewspapers:
butwithusitisthemarkandsignofanunpracticedwriteroracloudyintellect，whereaswiththeGermansitisdoubtlessthemarkandsignofapracticedpenandofthepresenceofthatsortofluminousintellectualfogwhichstandsforclearnessamongthesepeople。
ForsurelyitisNOTclearness——itnecessarilycan\'tbeclearness。Evenajurywouldhavepenetrationenoughtodiscoverthat。Awriter\'sideasmustbeagooddealconfused，agooddealoutoflineandsequence，whenhestartsouttosaythatamanmetacounselor\'swifeinthestreet，andthenrightinthemidstofthissosimpleundertakinghaltstheseapproachingpeopleandmakesthemstandstilluntilhejotsdownaninventoryofthewoman\'sdress。Thatismanifestlyabsurd。
Itremindsapersonofthosedentistswhosecureyourinstantandbreathlessinterestinatoothbytakingagriponitwiththeforceps，andthenstandthereanddrawlthroughatediousanecdotebeforetheygivethedreadedjerk。
Parenthesesinliteratureanddentistryareinbadtaste。
TheGermanshaveanotherkindofparenthesis，whichtheymakebysplittingaverbintwoandputtinghalfofitatthebeginningofanexcitingchapterandtheOTHER
HALFattheendofit。Cananyoneconceiveofanythingmoreconfusingthanthat?Thesethingsarecalled\"separableverbs。\"TheGermangrammarisblisteredalloverwithseparableverbs；andthewiderthetwoportionsofoneofthemarespreadapart，thebettertheauthorofthecrimeispleasedwithhisperformance。
AfavoriteoneisREISTEAB——whichmeansdeparted。
HereisanexamplewhichIculledfromanovelandreducedtoEnglish:
\"Thetrunksbeingnowready，heDE-afterkissinghismotherandsisters，andoncemorepressingtohisbosomhisadoredGretchen，who，dressedinsimplewhitemuslin，withasingletuberoseintheamplefoldsofherrichbrownhair，hadtotteredfeeblydownthestairs，stillpalefromtheterrorandexcitementofthepastevening，butlongingtolayherpoorachingheadyetonceagainuponthebreastofhimwhomshelovedmoredearlythanlifeitself，PARTED。\"
However，itisnotwelltodwelltoomuchontheseparableverbs。Oneissuretolosehistemperearly；
andifhestickstothesubject，andwillnotbewarned，itwillatlasteithersoftenhisbrainorpetrifyit。
Personalpronounsandadjectivesareafruitfulnuisanceinthislanguage，andshouldhavebeenleftout。
Forinstance，thesamesound，SIE，meansYOU，anditmeansSHE，anditmeansHER，anditmeansIT，anditmeansTHEY，anditmeansTHEM。Thinkoftheraggedpovertyofalanguagewhichhastomakeoneworddotheworkofsix——andapoorlittleweakthingofonlythreelettersatthat。
Butmainly，thinkoftheexasperationofneverknowingwhichofthesemeaningsthespeakeristryingtoconvey。
Thisexplainswhy，wheneverapersonsaysSIEtome，Igenerallytrytokillhim，ifastranger。
NowobservetheAdjective。Herewasacasewheresimplicitywouldhavebeenanadvantage；therefore，fornootherreason，theinventorofthislanguagecomplicateditallhecould。
Whenwewishtospeakofour\"goodfriendorfriends，\"
inourenlightenedtongue，westicktotheoneformandhavenotroubleorhardfeelingaboutit；butwiththeGermantongueitisdifferent。WhenaGermangetshishandsonanadjective，hedeclinesit，andkeepsondecliningituntilthecommonsenseisalldeclinedoutofit。
ItisasbadasLatin。Hesays，forinstance:
SINGULAR
Nominative——MeingutERFreund，mygoodfriend。
Genitives——MeinESGutENFreundES，ofmygoodfriend。
Dative——MeinEMgutENFreund，tomygoodfriend。
Accusative——MeinENgutENFreund，mygoodfriend。
PLURAL
N——MeinEgutENFreundE，mygoodfriends。G——MeinERgutEN
FreundE，ofmygoodfriends。D——MeinENgutENFreundEN，tomygoodfriends。A——MeinEgutENFreundE，mygoodfriends。
Nowletthecandidatefortheasylumtrytomemorizethosevariations，andseehowsoonhewillbeelected。
OnemightbettergowithoutfriendsinGermanythantakeallthistroubleaboutthem。Ihaveshownwhatabotheritistodeclineagoodmalefriend；wellthisisonlyathirdofthework，forthereisavarietyofnewdistortionsoftheadjectivetobelearnedwhentheobjectisfeminine，andstillanotherwhentheobjectisneuter。
NowtherearemoreadjectivesinthislanguagethanthereareblackcatsinSwitzerland，andtheymustallbeaselaboratelydeclinedastheexamplesabovesuggested。
Difficult?——troublesome?——thesewordscannotdescribeit。
IheardaCalifornianstudentinHeidelbergsay，inoneofhiscalmestmoods，thathewouldratherdeclinetwodrinksthanoneGermanadjective。
Theinventorofthelanguageseemstohavetakenpleasureincomplicatingitineverywayhecouldthinkof。
Forinstance，ifoneiscasuallyreferringtoahouse，HAUS，orahorse，PFERD，oradog，HUND，hespellsthesewordsasIhaveindicated；butifheisreferringtothemintheDativecase，hesticksonafoolishandunnecessaryEandspellsthemHAUSE，PFERDE，HUNDE。So，asanaddedEoftensignifiestheplural，astheSdoeswithus，thenewstudentislikelytogoonforamonthmakingtwinsoutofaDativedogbeforehediscovershismistake；
andontheotherhand，manyanewstudentwhocouldillaffordloss，hasboughtandpaidfortwodogsandonlygotoneofthem，becauseheignorantlyboughtthatdogintheDativesingularwhenhereallysupposedhewastalkingplural——whichleftthelawontheseller\'sside，ofcourse，bythestrictrulesofgrammar，andthereforeasuitforrecoverycouldnotlie。
InGerman，alltheNounsbeginwithacapitalletter。
Nowthatisagoodidea；andagoodidea，inthislanguage，isnecessarilyconspicuousfromitslonesomeness。Iconsiderthiscapitalizingofnounsagoodidea，becausebyreasonofityouarealmostalwaysabletotellanountheminuteyouseeit。Youfallintoerroroccasionally，becauseyoumistakethenameofapersonforthenameofathing，andwasteagooddealoftimetryingtodigameaningoutofit。Germannamesalmostalwaysdomeansomething，andthishelpstodeceivethestudent。Itranslatedapassageoneday，whichsaidthat\"theinfuriatedtigressbrokelooseandutterlyateuptheunfortunatefirforest\"
Tannenwald。WhenIwasgirdingupmyloinstodoubtthis，IfoundoutthatTannenwaldinthisinstancewasaman\'sname。
Everynounhasagender，andthereisnosenseorsysteminthedistribution；sothegenderofeachmustbelearnedseparatelyandbyheart。Thereisnootherway。
Todothisonehastohaveamemorylikeamemorandum-book。
InGerman，ayoungladyhasnosex，whileaturniphas。
Thinkwhatoverwroughtreverencethatshowsfortheturnip，andwhatcallousdisrespectforthegirl。Seehowitlooksinprint——ItranslatethisfromaconversationinoneofthebestoftheGermanSunday-schoolbooks:
\"Gretchen。Wilhelm，whereistheturnip?
\"Wilhelm。Shehasgonetothekitchen。
\"Gretchen。WhereistheaccomplishedandbeautifulEnglishmaiden?
Wilhelm。Ithasgonetotheopera。\"
TocontinuewiththeGermangenders:atreeismale，itsbudsarefemale，itsleavesareneuter；horsesaresexless，dogsaremale，catsarefemale——tomcatsincluded，ofcourse；
aperson\'smouth，neck，bosom，elbows，fingers，nails，feet，andbodyareofthemalesex，andhisheadismaleorneuteraccordingtothewordselectedtosignifyit，andNOTaccordingtothesexoftheindividualwhowearsit——forinGermanyallthewomeneithermaleheadsorsexlessones；aperson\'snose，lips，shoulders，breast，hands，andtoesareofthefemalesex；andhishair，ears，eyes，chin，legs，knees，heart，andconsciencehaven\'tanysexatall。Theinventorofthelanguageprobablygotwhatheknewaboutaconsciencefromhearsay。
Now，bytheabovedissection，thereaderwillseethatinGermanyamanmayTHINKheisaman，butwhenhecomestolookintothematterclosely，heisboundtohavehisdoubts；
hefindsthatinsobertruthheisamostridiculousmixture；
andifheendsbytryingtocomforthimselfwiththethoughtthathecanatleastdependonathirdofthismessasbeingmanlyandmasculine，thehumiliatingsecondthoughtwillquicklyremindhimthatinthisrespectheisnobetteroffthananywomanorcowintheland。
IntheGermanitistruethatbysomeoversightoftheinventorofthelanguage，aWomanisafemale；butaWifeWeib
isnot——whichisunfortunate。AWife，here，hasnosex；
sheisneuter；so，accordingtothegrammar，afishisHE，hisscalesareSHE，butafishwifeisneither。
Todescribeawifeassexlessmaybecalledunder-description；
thatisbadenough，butover-descriptionissurelyworse。
AGermanspeaksofanEnglishmanastheENGLA\"NDER；tochangethesex，headdsINN，andthatstandsforEnglishwoman——
ENGLA\"NDERINN。Thatseemsdescriptiveenough，butstillitisnotexactenoughforaGerman；soheprecedesthewordwiththatarticlewhichindicatesthatthecreaturetofollowisfeminine，andwritesitdownthus:\"dieEngla\"nderinn，\"——whichmeans\"theshe-Englishwoman。\"
Iconsiderthatthatpersonisover-described。
Well，afterthestudenthaslearnedthesexofagreatnumberofnouns，heisstillinadifficulty，becausehefindsitimpossibletopersuadehistonguetorefertothingsas\"he\"and\"she，\"and\"him\"and\"her，\"whichithasbeenalwaysaccustomedtorefertoitas\"it。\"
WhenheevenframesaGermansentenceinhismind，withthehimsandhersintherightplaces，andthenworksuphiscouragetotheutterance-point，itisnouse——
themomenthebeginstospeakhistonguefilesthetrackandallthoselaboredmalesandfemalescomeoutas\"its。\"
AndevenwhenheisreadingGermantohimself，healwayscallsthosethings\"it，\"whereasheoughttoreadinthisway:
TALEOFTHEFISHWIFEANDITSSADFATE[2]
2。Icapitalizethenouns，intheGermanandancientEnglishfashion。
ItisableakDay。HeartheRain，howhepours，andtheHail，howherattles；andseetheSnow，howhedriftsalong，andoftheMud，howdeepheis!AhthepoorFishwife，itisstuckfastintheMire；ithasdroppeditsBasketofFishes；anditsHandshavebeencutbytheScalesasitseizedsomeofthefallingCreatures；andoneScalehasevengotintoitsEye。anditcannotgetherout。
ItopensitsMouthtocryforHelp；butifanySoundcomesoutofhim，alasheisdrownedbytheragingoftheStorm。
AndnowaTomcathasgotoneoftheFishesandshewillsurelyescapewithhim。No，shebitesoffaFin，sheholdsherinherMouth——willsheswallowher?No，theFishwife\'sbraveMother-dogdesertshisPuppiesandrescuestheFin——whichheeats，himself，ashisReward。
O，horror，theLightninghasstrucktheFish-basket；
hesetshimonFire；seetheFlame，howshelicksthedoomedUtensilwithherredandangryTongue；nowsheattacksthehelplessFishwife\'sFoot——sheburnshimup，allbutthebigToe，andevenSHEispartlyconsumed；
andstillshespreads，stillshewavesherfieryTongues；
sheattackstheFishwife\'sLeganddestroysIT；sheattacksitsHandanddestroysHERalso；sheattackstheFishwife\'sLeganddestroysHERalso；sheattacksitsBodyandconsumesHIM；
shewreathesherselfaboutitsHeartandITisconsumed；
nextaboutitsBreast，andinaMomentSHEisaCinder；
nowshereachesitsNeck——Hegoes；nowitsChin——
ITgoes；nowitsNose——SHEgoes。InanotherMoment，exceptHelpcome，theFishwifewillbenomore。
Timepresses——istherenonetosuccorandsave?Yes!Joy，joy，withflyingFeettheshe-Englishwomancomes!Butalas，thegenerousshe-Femaleistoolate:wherenowisthefatedFishwife?IthasceasedfromitsSufferings，ithasgonetoabetterLand；allthatisleftofitforitslovedOnestolamentover，isthispoorsmolderingAsh-heap。Ah，woeful，woefulAsh-heap!Letustakehimuptenderly，reverently，uponthelowlyShovel，andbearhimtohislongRest，withthePrayerthatwhenherisesagainitwillbeaRealmwherehewillhaveonegoodsquareresponsibleSex，andhaveitalltohimself，insteadofhavingamangylotofassortedSexesscatteredalloverhiminSpots——
There，now，thereadercanseeforhimselfthatthispronounbusinessisaveryawkwardthingfortheunaccustomedtongue。
Isupposethatinalllanguagesthesimilaritiesoflookandsoundbetweenwordswhichhavenosimilarityinmeaningareafruitfulsourceofperplexitytotheforeigner。
Itissoinourtongue，anditisnotablythecaseintheGerman。NowthereisthattroublesomewordVERMA\"HLT:
tomeithassoclosearesemblance——eitherrealorfancied——tothreeorfourotherwords，thatIneverknowwhetheritmeansdespised，painted，suspected，ormarried；
untilIlookinthedictionary，andthenIfinditmeansthelatter。Therearelotsofsuchwordsandtheyareagreattorment。ToincreasethedifficultytherearewordswhichSEEMtoresembleeachother，andyetdonot；
buttheymakejustasmuchtroubleasiftheydid。
Forinstance，thereisthewordVERMIETHENtolet，tolease，tohire；andthewordVERHEIRATHENanotherwayofsayingtomarry。IheardofanEnglishmanwhoknockedataman\'sdoorinHeidelbergandproposed，inthebestGermanhecouldcommand，to\"verheirathen\"thathouse。
Thentherearesomewordswhichmeanonethingwhenyouemphasizethefirstsyllable，butmeansomethingverydifferentifyouthrowtheemphasisonthelastsyllable。
Forinstance，thereisawordwhichmeansarunaway，ortheactofglancingthroughabook，accordingtotheplacingoftheemphasis；andanotherwordwhichsignifiestoASSOCIATEwithaman，ortoAVOIDhim，accordingtowhereyouputtheemphasis——andyoucangenerallydependonputtingitinthewrongplaceandgettingintotrouble。
Therearesomeexceedinglyusefulwordsinthislanguage。
SCHLAG，forexample；andZUG。Therearethree-quartersofacolumnofSCHLAGSinthedictonary，andacolumnandahalfofZUGS。ThewordSCHLAGmeansBlow，Stroke，Dash，Hit，Shock，Clap，Slap，Time，Bar，Coin，Stamp，Kind，Sort，Manner，Way，Apoplexy，Wood-cutting，Enclosure，Field，Forest-clearing。ThisisitssimpleandEXACT
meaning——thatistosay，itsrestricted，itsfetteredmeaning；
buttherearewaysbywhichyoucansetitfree，sothatitcansoaraway，asonthewingsofthemorning，andneverbeatrest。Youcanhanganywordyoupleasetoitstail，andmakeitmeananythingyouwantto。
YoucanbeginwithSCHLAG-ADER，whichmeansartery，andyoucanhangonthewholedictionary，wordbyword，clearthroughthealphabettoSCHLAG-WASSER，whichmeansbilge-water——andincludingSCHLAG-MUTTER，whichmeansmother-in-law。
JustthesamewithZUG。Strictlyspeaking，ZUGmeansPull，Tug，Draught，Procession，March，Progress，Flight，Direction，Expedition，Train，Caravan，Passage，Stroke，Touch，Line，Flourish，TraitofCharacter，Feature，Lineament，Chess-move，Organ-stop，Team，Whiff，Bias，Drawer，Propensity，Inhalation，Disposition:butthatthingwhichitdoesNOTmean——whenallitslegitimatepennantshavebeenhungon，hasnotbeendiscoveredyet。
OnecannotoverestimatetheusefulnessofSCHLAGandZUG。
Armedjustwiththesetwo，andthewordALSO，whatcannottheforeigneronGermansoilaccomplish?TheGermanwordALSOistheequivalentoftheEnglishphrase\"Youknow，\"
anddoesnotmeananythingatall——inTALK，thoughitsometimesdoesinprint。EverytimeaGermanopenshismouthanALSOfallsout；andeverytimeheshutsithebitesoneintwothatwastryingtoGETout。
Now，theforeigner，equippedwiththesethreenoblewords，ismasterofthesituation。Lethimtalkrightalong，fearlessly；lethimpourhisindifferentGermanforth，andwhenhelacksforaword，lethimheaveaSCHLAGintothevacuum；allthechancesarethatitfitsitlikeaplug，butifitdoesn\'tlethimpromptlyheaveaZUGafterit；
thetwotogethercanhardlyfailtobungthehole；butif，byamiracle，theySHOULDfail，lethimsimplysayALSO!
andthiswillgivehimamoment\'schancetothinkoftheneedfulword。InGermany，whenyouloadyourconversationalgunitisalwaysbesttothrowinaSCHLAGortwoandaZUG
ortwo，becauseitdoesn\'tmakeanydifferencehowmuchtherestofthechargemayscatter，youareboundtobagsomethingwithTHEM。ThenyoublandlysayALSO，andloadupagain。NothinggivessuchanairofgraceandeleganceandunconstrainttoaGermanoranEnglishconversationastoscatteritfullof\"Also\'s\"or\"Youknows。\"
Inmynote-bookIfindthisentry:
July1——Inthehospitalyesterday，awordofthirteensyllableswassuccessfullyremovedfromapatient——aNorthGermanfromnearHamburg；butasmostunfortunatelythesurgeonshadopenedhiminthewrongplace，undertheimpressionthathecontainedapanorama，hedied。
Thesadeventhascastagloomoverthewholecommunity。
Thatparagraphfurnishesatextforafewremarksaboutoneofthemostcuriousandnotablefeaturesofmysubject——thelengthofGermanwords。SomeGermanwordsaresolongthattheyhaveaperspective。Observetheseexamples:
Freundschaftsbezeigungen。
Dilettantenaufdringlichkeiten。
Stadtverordnetenversammlungen。
Thesethingsarenotwords，theyarealphabeticalprocessions。
Andtheyarenotrare；onecanopenaGermannewspaperatanytimeandseethemmarchingmajesticallyacrossthepage——andifhehasanyimaginationhecanseethebannersandhearthemusic，too。Theyimpartamartialthrilltothemeekestsubject。Itakeagreatinterestinthesecuriosities。WheneverIcomeacrossagoodone，Istuffitandputitinmymuseum。
InthiswayIhavemadequiteavaluablecollection。
WhenIgetduplicates，Iexchangewithothercollectors，andthusincreasethevarietyofmystock。HereraresomespecimenswhichIlatelyboughtatanauctionsaleoftheeffectsofabankruptbric-a-brachunter:
Generalstaatsverordnetenversammlungen。
Alterthumswissenschaften。
Kinderbewahrungsanstalten。
Unabhaengigkeitserklaerungen。
Wiedererstellungbestrebungen。
Waffenstillstandsunterhandlungen。
Ofcoursewhenoneofthesegrandmountainrangesgoesstretchingacrosstheprintedpage，itadornsandennoblesthatliterarylandscape——butatthesametimeitisagreatdistresstothenewstudent，foritblocksuphisway；
hecannotcrawlunderit，orclimboverit，ortunnelthroughit。Soheresortstothedictionaryforhelp，butthereisnohelpthere。Thedictionarymustdrawthelinesomewhere——soitleavesthissortofwordsout。
Anditisright，becausetheselongthingsarehardlylegitimatewords，butarerathercombinationsofwords，andtheinventorofthemoughttohavebeenkilled。
Theyarecompoundwordswiththehyphensleftout。
Thevariouswordsusedinbuildingthemareinthedictionary，butinaveryscatteredcondition；soyoucanhuntthematerialsout，onebyone，andgetatthemeaningatlast，butitisatediousandharassingbusiness。
Ihavetriedthisprocessuponsomeoftheaboveexamples。
\"Freundshaftsbezeigungen\"seemstobe\"Friendshipdemonstrations，\"
whichisonlyafoolishandclumsywayofsaying\"demonstrationsoffriendship。\"\"Unabhaengigkeitserklaerungen\"seemstobe\"Independencedeclarations，\"whichisnoimprovementupon\"DeclarationsofIndependence，\"sofarasIcansee。
\"Generalstaatsverordnetenversammlungen\"seemstobe\"General-statesrepresentativesmeetings，\"asnearlyasI
cangetatit——amererhythmical，gushyeuphuismfor\"meetingsofthelegislature，\"Ijudge。Weusedtohaveagooddealofthissortofcrimeinourliterature，butithasgoneoutnow。Weusedtospeakofathingsasa\"never-to-be-forgotten\"circumstance，insteadofcrampingitintothesimpleandsufficientword\"memorable\"andthengoingcalmlyaboutourbusinessasifnothinghadhappened。
Inthosedayswewerenotcontenttoembalmthethingandburyitdecently，wewantedtobuildamonumentoverit。
Butinournewspapersthecompounding-diseaselingersalittletothepresentday，butwiththehyphensleftout，intheGermanfashion。Thisistheshapeittakes:
insteadofsaying\"Mr。Simmons，clerkofthecountyanddistrictcourts，wasintownyesterday，\"thenewformputitthus:\"ClerkoftheCountyandDistrictCourtsSimmonswasintownyesterday。\"Thissavesneithertimenorink，andhasanawkwardsoundbesides。Oneoftenseesaremarklikethisinourpapers:\"MRS。AssistantDistrictAttorneyJohnsonreturnedtohercityresidenceyesterdayfortheseason。\"