Thethoughtofthisgivesthesharpestpangthatthetragicstoryconveys。
TheauthoroftheHISTOIREDUMONTBLANCintroducedtheclosingsentencesofMr。Bean\'spatheticrecordthus:
\"Herethecharactersarelargeandunsteady；thehandwhichtracesthemisbecomechilledandtorpid；
butthespiritsurvives，andthefaithandresignationofthedyingmanareexpressedwithasublimesimplicity。\"
Perhapsthisnote-bookwillbefoundandsenttoyou。
Wehavenothingtoeat，myfeetarealreadyfrozen，andIamexhausted；Ihavestrengthtowriteonlyafewwordsmore。IhaveleftmeansforC\'seducation；Iknowyouwillemploythemwisely。IdiewithfaithinGod，andwithlovingthoughtsofyou。Farewelltoall。
Weshallmeetagain，inHeaven……Ithinkofyoualways。
ItisthewayoftheAlpstodeliverdeathtotheirvictimswithamercifulswiftness，butheretherulefailed。
Thesemensufferedthebitterestdeaththathasbeenrecordedinthehistoryofthosemountains，freightedasthathistoryiswithgrislytragedies。
CHAPTERXLVI
[MeetingaHogonaPrecipice]
Mr。HarrisandItooksomeguidesandportersandascendedtotheHo^teldesPyramides，whichisperchedonthehighmorainewhichborderstheGlacierdesBossons。
Theroadledsharplyuphill，alltheway，throughgrassandflowersandwoods，andwasapleasantwalk，barringthefatigueoftheclimb。
Fromthehotelwecouldviewthehugeglacieratverycloserange。Afterarestwefolloweddownapathwhichhadbeenmadeinthesteepinnerfrontageofthemoraine，andsteppedupontheglacieritself。
Oneoftheshowsoftheplacewasatunnel-likecavern，whichhadbeenhewnintheglacier。Theproprietorofthistunneltookcandlesandconductedusintoit。
Itwasthreeorfourfeetwideandaboutsixfeethigh。
Itswallsofpureandsolidiceemittedasoftandrichbluelightthatproducedalovelyeffect，andsuggestedenchantedcaves，andthatsortofthing。Whenwehadproceededsomeyardsandwereenteringdarkness，weturnedaboutandhadadaintysunlitpictureofdistantwoodsandheightsframedinthestrongarchofthetunnelandseenthroughthetenderblueradianceofthetunnel\'satmosphere。
Thecavernwasnearlyahundredyardslong，andwhenwereacheditsinnerlimittheproprietorsteppedintoabranchtunnelwithhiscandlesandleftusburiedinthebowelsoftheglacier，andinpitch-darkness。Wejudgedhispurposewasmurderandrobbery；sowegotoutourmatchesandpreparedtosellourlivesasdearlyaspossiblebysettingtheglacieronfireiftheworstcametotheworst——butwesoonperceivedthatthismanhadchangedhismind；hebegantosing，inadeep，melodiousvoice，andwokesomecuriousandpleasingechoes。Byandbyhecamebackandpretendedthatthatwaswhathehadgonebehindtherefor。Webelievedasmuchofthataswewantedto。
Thusourliveshadbeenoncemoreinimminentperil，butbytheexerciseoftheswiftsagacityandcoolcouragewhichhadsavedussooften，wehadaddedanotherescapetothelonglist。Thetouristshouldvisitthatice-cavern，byallmeans，foritiswellworththetrouble；butIwouldadvisehimtogoonlywithastrongandwell-armedforce。
Idonotconsiderartillerynecessary，yetitwouldnotbeunadvisabletotakeitalong，ifconvenient。Thejourney，goingandcoming，isaboutthreemilesandahalf，threeofwhichareonlevelground。Wemadeitinlessthanaday，butIwouldcounseltheunpracticed——ifnotpressedfortime——toallowthemselvestwo。NothingisgainedintheAlpsbyover-exertion；nothingisgainedbycrowdingtwodays\'workintooneforthepoorsakeofbeingabletoboastoftheexploitafterward。Itwillbefoundmuchbetter，inthelongrun，todothethingintwodays，andthensubtractoneofthemfromthenarrative。
Thissavesfatigue，anddoesnotinjurethenarrative。
AllthemorethoughtfulamongtheAlpinetouristsdothis。
WenowcalledupontheGuide-in-Chief，andaskedforasquadronofguidesandportersfortheascentoftheMontanvert。
Thisidiotglaredatus，andsaid:
\"Youdon\'tneedguidesandporterstogototheMontanvert。\"
\"Whatdoweneed，then?\"
\"SuchasYOU?——anambulance!\"
IwassostungbythisbrutalremarkthatItookmycustomelsewhere。
Betimes，nextmorning，wehadreachedanaltitudeoffivethousandfeetabovethelevelofthesea。Herewecampedandbreakfasted。Therewasacabinthere——thespotiscalledtheCaillet——andaspringofice-coldwater。
Onthedoorofthecabinwasasign，inFrench，totheeffectthat\"Onemayhereseealivingchamoisforfiftycentimes。\"
Wedidnotinvest；whatwewantedwastoseeadeadone。
AlittleafternoonweendedtheascentandarrivedatthenewhotelontheMontanvert，andhadaviewofsixmiles，rightupthegreatglacier，thefamousMerdeGlace。
Atthispointitislikeaseawhosedeepswalesandlong，rollingswellshavebeencaughtinmid-movementandfrozensolid；butfurtherupitisbrokenupintowildlytossingbillowsofice。
Wedescendedaticklishpathinthesteepsideofthemoraine，andinvadedtheglacier。Thereweretouristsofbothsexesscatteredfarandwideoverit，everywhere，andithadthefestivelookofaskating-rink。
TheEmpressJosephinecamethisfar，once。SheascendedtheMontanvertin1810——butnotalone；asmallarmyofmenprecededhertoclearthepath——andcarpetit，perhaps——andshefollowed，undertheprotectionofSIXTY-EIGHTguides。
HersuccessorvisitedChamonixlater，butinfardifferentstyle。
ItwassevenweeksafterthefirstfalloftheEmpire，andpoorMarieLouise，ex-Empresswasafugitive。
Shecameatnight，andinastorm，withonlytwoattendants，andstoodbeforeapeasant\'shut，tired，bedraggled，soakedwithrain，\"theredprintofherlostcrownstillgirdlingherbrow，\"andimploredadmittance——andwasrefused!Afewdaysbefore，theadulationsandapplausesofanationweresoundinginherears，andnowshewascometothis!
WecrossedtheMerdeGlaceinsafety，butwehadmisgivings。
Thecrevicesintheiceyawneddeepandblueandmysterious，anditmadeonenervoustotraversethem。Thehugeroundwavesoficewereslipperyanddifficulttoclimb，andthechancesoftrippingandslidingdownthemanddartingintoacreviceweretoomanytobecomfortable。
Inthebottomofadeepswalebetweentwoofthebiggestoftheice-waves，wefoundafraudwhopretendedtobecuttingstepstoinsurethesafetyoftourists。
Hewas\"soldiering\"whenwecameuponhim，buthehoppedupandchippedoutacoupleofstepsaboutbigenoughforacat，andchargedusafrancortwoforit。
Thenhesatdownagain，todozetillthenextpartyshouldcomealong。Hehadcollectedblackmailfromtwoorthreehundredpeoplealready，thatday，buthadnotchippedouticeenoughtoimpairtheglacierperceptibly。
Ihaveheardofagoodmanysoftsinecures，butitseemstomethatkeepingtoll-bridgeonaglacieristhesoftestoneIhaveencounteredyet。
Thatwasablazinghotday，anditbroughtapersistentandpersecutingthirstwithit。Whatanunspeakableluxuryitwastoslakethatthirstwiththepureandlimpidice-wateroftheglacier!Downthesidesofeverygreatribofpureicepouredlimpidrillsingutterscarvedbytheirownattrition；betterstill，whereverarockhadlain，therewasnowabowl-shapedhole，withsmoothwhitesidesandbottomofice，andthisbowlwasbrimmingwithwaterofsuchabsoluteclearnessthatthecarelessobserverwouldnotseeitatall，butwouldthinkthebowlwasempty。
ThesefountainshadsuchanalluringlookthatIoftenstretchedmyselfoutwhenIwasnotthirstyanddippedmyfaceinanddranktillmyteethached。EverywhereamongtheSwissmountainswehadathandtheblessing——nottobefoundinEuropeEXCEPTinthemountains——ofwatercapableofquenchingthirst。EverywhereintheSwisshighlandsbrilliantlittlerillsofexquisitelycoldwaterwentdancingalongbytheroadsides，andmycomradeandI
werealwaysdrinkingandalwaysdeliveringourdeepgratitude。
ButinEuropeeverywhereexceptinthemountains，thewaterisflatandinsipidbeyondthepowerofwordstodescribe。
Itisservedlukewarm；butnomatter，icecouldnothelpit；
itisincurablyflat，incurablyinsipid。Itisonlygoodtowashwith；Iwonderitdoesn\'toccurtotheaverageinhabitanttotryitforthat。InEuropethepeoplesaycontemptuously，\"Nobodydrinkswaterhere。\"Indeed，theyhaveasoundandsufficientreason。Inmanyplacestheyevenhavewhatmaybecalledprohibitoryreasons。
InParisandMunich，forinstance，theysay，\"Don\'tdrinkthewater，itissimplypoison。\"
EitherAmericaishealthierthanEurope，notwithstandingher\"deadly\"indulgenceinice-water，orshedoesnotkeeptherunofherdeath-rateassharplyasEuropedoes。
Ithinkwedokeepupthedeathstatisticsaccurately；
andifwedo，ourcitiesarehealthierthanthecitiesofEurope。EverymonththeGermangovernmenttabulatesthedeath-rateoftheworldandpublishesit。Iscrap-bookedthesereportsduringseveralmonths，anditwascurioustoseehowregularandpersistentlyeachcityrepeateditssamedeath-ratemonthaftermonth。Thetablesmightaswellhavebeenstereotyped，theyvariedsolittle。
Thesetableswerebaseduponweeklyreportsshowingtheaverageofdeathsineach1，000populationforayear。
Munichwasalwayspresentwithher33deathsineach1，000ofherpopulationyearlyaverage，Chicagowasasconstantwithher15or17，Dublinwithher48——andsoon。
OnlyafewAmericancitiesappearinthesetables，buttheyarescatteredsowidelyoverthecountrythattheyfurnishagoodgeneralaverageofCITYhealthintheUnitedStates；
andIthinkitwillbegrantedthatourtownsandvillagesarehealthierthanourcities。
HereistheaverageoftheonlyAmericancitiesreportedintheGermantables:
Chicago，deathsin1，000populationannually，16；Philadelphia，18；St。Louis，18；SanFrancisco，19；NewYorktheDublinofAmerica，23。
Seehowthefiguresjumpup，assoonasonearrivesatthetransatlanticlist:
Paris，27；Glasgow，27；London，28；Vienna，28；
Augsburg，28；Braunschweig，28；K:onigsberg，29；
Cologne，29；Dresden，29；Hamburg，29；Berlin，30；
Bombay，30；Warsaw，31；Breslau，31；Odessa，32；
Munich，33；Strasburg，33，Pesth，35；Cassel，35；
Lisbon，36；Liverpool，36；Prague，37；Madras，37；
Bucharest，39；St。Petersburg，40；Trieste，40；
AlexandriaEgypt，43；Dublin，48；Calcutta，55。
EdinburghisashealthyasNewYork——23；butthereisnoCITYintheentirelistwhichishealthier，exceptFrankfort-on-the-Main——20。ButFrankfortisnotashealthyasChicago，SanFrancisco，St。Louis，orPhiladelphia。
Perhapsastrictaverageoftheworldmightdevelopthefactthatwhereonein1，000ofAmerica\'spopulationdies，twoin1，000oftheotherpopulationsoftheearthsuccumb。
Idonotliketomakeinsinuations，butIdothinktheabovestatisticsdarklysuggestthatthesepeopleoverheredrinkthisdetestablewater\"onthesly。\"
Weclimbedthemoraineontheoppositesideoftheglacier，andthencreptalongitssharpridgeahundredyardsorso，inprettyconstantdangerofatumbletotheglacierbelow。
Thefallwouldhavebeenonlyonehundredfeet，butitwouldhaveclosedmeoutaseffectuallyasonethousand，thereforeIrespectedthedistanceaccordingly，andwasgladwhenthetripwasdone。Amoraineisanuglythingtoassaulthead-first。Atadistanceitlookslikeanendlessgraveoffinesand，accuratelyshapedandnicelysmoothed；
butcloseby，itisfoundtobemademainlyofroughbouldersofallsizes，fromthatofaman\'sheadtothatofacottage。
ByandbywecametotheMauvaisPas，ortheVillainousRoad，totranslateitfeelingly。Itwasabreakneckpatharoundthefaceofaprecipiceforthorfiftyfeethigh，andnothingtohangontobutsomeironrailings。
Igotalong，slowly，safely，anduncomfortably，andfinallyreachedthemiddle。Myhopesbegantorisealittle，buttheywerequicklyblighted；forthereImetahog——along-nosed，bristlyfellow，thathelduphissnoutandworkedhisnostrilsatmeinquiringly。AhogonapleasureexcursioninSwitzerland——thinkofit!Itisstrikingandunusual；abodymightwriteapoemaboutit。
Hecouldnotretreat，ifhehadbeendisposedtodoit。
Itwouldhavebeenfoolishtostanduponourdignityinaplacewheretherewashardlyroomtostanduponourfeet，sowedidnothingofthesort。Thereweretwentyorthirtyladiesandgentlemenbehindus；weallturnedaboutandwentback，andthehogfollowedbehind。
Thecreaturedidnotseemsetupbywhathehaddone；
hehadprobablydoneitbefore。
WereachedtherestaurantontheheightcalledtheChapeauatfourintheafternoon。Itwasamemento-factory，andthestockwaslarge，cheap，andvaried。Iboughttheusualpaper-cuttertoremembertheplaceby，andhadMontBlanc，theMauvaisPas，andtherestoftheregionbrandedonmyalpenstock；thenwedescendedtothevalleyandwalkedhomewithoutbeingtiedtogether。Thiswasnotdangerous，forthevalleywasfivemileswide，andquitelevel。
Wereachedthehotelbeforenineo\'clock。NextmorningweleftforGenevaontopofthediligence，undershelterofagayawning。IfIrememberrightly，thereweremorethantwentypeopleupthere。
Itwassohighthattheascentwasmadebyladder。
Thehugevehiclewasfulleverywhere，insideandout。
Fiveotherdiligencesleftatthesametime，allfull。
Wehadengagedourseatstwodaysbeforehand，tomakesure，andpaidtheregulationprice，fivedollarseach；buttherestofthecompanywerewiser；theyhadtrustedBaedeker，andwaited；consequentlysomeofthemgottheirseatsforoneortwodollars。Baedekerknowsallabouthotels，railwayanddiligencecompanies，andspeakshismindfreely。
Heisatrustworthyfriendofthetraveler。
WeneversawMontBlancathisbestuntilweweremanymilesaway；thenheliftedhismajesticproportionshighintotheheavens，allwhiteandcoldandsolemn，andmadetherestoftheworldseemlittleandplebeian，andcheapandtrivial。
Ashepassedoutofsightatlast，anoldEnglishmansettledhimselfinhisseatandsaid:
\"Well，Iamsatisfied，IhaveseentheprincipalfeaturesofSwissscenery——MontBlancandthegoiter——nowforhome!\"
CHAPTERXLVII
[QueerEuropeanManners]
WespentafewpleasantrestfuldaysatGeneva，thatdelightfulcitywhereaccuratetime-piecesaremadeforalltherestoftheworld，butwhoseownclocksnevergivethecorrecttimeofdaybyanyaccident。
Genevaisfilledwithprettyshops，andtheshopsarefilledwiththemostenticinggimacrackery，butifoneentersoneoftheseplacesheisatoncepouncedupon，andfollowedup，andsopersecutedtobuythis，that，andtheotherthing，thatheisverygratefultogetoutagain，andisnotatallapttorepeathisexperiment。
Theshopkeepersofthesmallersort，inGeneva，areastroublesomeandpersistentasarethesalesmenofthatmonsterhiveinParis，theGrandsMagasinsduLouvre——anestablishmentwhereill-manneredpestering，pursuing，andinsistencehavebeenreducedtoascience。
InGeneva，pricesinthesmallershopsareveryelastic——
thatisanotherbadfeature。Iwaslookinginatawindowataveryprettystringofbeads，suitableforachild。
Iwasonlyadmiringthem；Ihadnouseforthem；Ihardlyeverwearbeads。Theshopwomancameoutandofferedthemtomeforthirty-fivefrancs。Isaiditwascheap，butIdidnotneedthem。
\"Ah，butmonsieur，theyaresobeautiful!\"
Iconfessedit，butsaidtheywerenotsuitableforoneofmyageandsimplicityofcharacter。Shedartedinandbroughtthemoutandtriedtoforcethemintomyhands，saying:
\"Ah，butonlyseehowlovelytheyare!Surelymonsieurwilltakethem；monsieurshallhavethemforthirtyfrancs。
There，Ihavesaidit——itisaloss，butonemustlive。\"
Idroppedmyhands，andtriedtomovehertorespectmyunprotectedsituation。Butno，shedangledthebeadsinthesunbeforemyface，exclaiming，\"Ah，monsieurCANNOTresistthem!\"Shehungthemonmycoatbutton，foldedherhandresignedly，andsaid:\"Gone，——andforthirtyfrancs，thelovelythings——itisincredible!——butthegoodGodwillsanctifythesacrificetome。\"
Iremovedthemgently，returnedthem，andwalkedaway，shakingmyheadandsmilingasmileofsillyembarrassmentwhilethepassers-byhaltedtoobserve。Thewomanleanedoutofherdoor，shookthebeads，andscreamedafterme:
\"Monsieurshallhavethemfortwenty-eight!\"
Ishookmyhead。
\"Twenty-seven!Itisacruelloss，itisruin——
buttakethem，onlytakethem。\"
Istillretreated，stillwaggingmyhead。
\"MONDIEU，theyshallevengofortwenty-six!There，Ihavesaidit。Come!\"
Iwaggedanothernegative。AnurseandalittleEnglishgirlhadbeennearme，andwerefollowingme，now。Theshopwomanrantothenurse，thrustthebeadsintoherhands，andsaid:
\"Monsieurshallhavethemfortwenty-five!Takethemtothehotel——heshallsendmethemoneytomorrow——
nextday——whenhelikes。\"Thentothechild:\"Whenthyfathersendsmethemoney，comethoualso，myangel，andthoushallhavesomethingohsopretty!\"
Iwasthusprovidentiallysaved。Thenurserefusedthebeadssquarelyandfirmly，andthatendedthematter。
The\"sights\"ofGenevaarenotnumerous。Imadeoneattempttohuntupthehousesonceinhabitedbythosetwodisagreeablepeople，RousseauandCalvin，butIhadnosuccess。ThenIconcludedtogohome。Ifounditwaseasiertoproposetodothatthantodoit；forthattownisabewilderingplace。Igotlostinatangleofnarrowandcrookedstreets，andstayedlostforanhourortwo。
FinallyIfoundastreetwhichlookedsomewhatfamiliar，andsaidtomyself，\"NowIamathome，Ijudge。\"ButI
waswrong；thiswas\"HELLstreet。\"PresentlyIfoundanotherplacewhichhadafamiliarlook，andsaidtomyself，\"NowIamathome，sure。\"Itwasanothererror。Thiswas\"PURGATORYstreet。\"AfteralittleIsaid，\"NOWI\'vegottherightplace，anyway……no，thisis\'PARADISEstreet\'；
I\'mfurtherfromhomethanIwasinthebeginning。\"
Thosewerequeernames——Calvinwastheauthorofthem，likely。\"Hell\"and\"Purgatory\"fittedthosetwostreetslikeaglove，butthe\"Paradise\"appearedtobesarcastic。
Icameoutonthelake-front，atlast，andthenIknewwhereIwas。IwaswalkingalongbeforetheglitteringjewelryshopswhenIsawacuriousperformance。
Aladypassedby，andatrimdandyloungedacrossthewalkinsuchanapparentlycarefullytimedwayastobringhimselfexactlyinfrontofherwhenshegottohim；
hemadenooffertostepoutoftheway；hedidnotapologize；
hedidnotevennoticeher。Shehadtostopstillandlethimloungeby。Iwonderedifhehaddonethatpieceofbrutalitypurposely。Hestrolledtoachairandseatedhimselfatasmalltable；twoorthreeothermalesweresittingatsimilartablessippingsweetenedwater。
Iwaited；presentlyayouthcameby，andthisfellowgotupandservedhimthesametrick。Still，itdidnotseempossiblethatanyonecoulddosuchathingdeliberately。
TosatisfymycuriosityIwentaroundtheblock，and，sureenough，asIapproached，atagoodroundspeed，hegotupandloungedlazilyacrossmypath，foulingmycourseexactlyattherightmomenttoreceiveallmyweight。
Thisprovedthathispreviousperformanceshadnotbeenaccidental，butintentional。
Isawthatdandy\'scuriousgameplayedafterward，inParis，butnotforamusement；notwithamotiveofanysort，indeed，butsimplyfromaselfishindifferencetootherpeople\'scomfortandrights。OnedoesnotseeitasfrequentlyinParisashemightexpectto，fortherethelawsays，ineffect，\"Itisthebusinessoftheweaktogetoutofthewayofthestrong。\"Wefineacabmanifherunsoveracitizen；Parisfinesthecitizenforbeingrunover。
Atleastsoeverybodysays——butIsawsomethingwhichcausedmetodoubt；Isawahorsemanrunoveranoldwomanoneday——thepolicearrestedhimandtookhimaway。
Thatlookedasiftheymeanttopunishhim。
ItwillnotdoformetofindmeritinAmericanmanners——
foraretheynotthestandingbuttforthejestsofcriticalandpolishedEurope?Still，Imustventuretoclaimonelittlematterofsuperiorityinourmanners；
aladymaytraverseourstreetsallday，goingandcomingasshechooses，andshewillneverbemolestedbyanyman；
butifalady，unattended，walksabroadinthestreetsofLondon，evenatnoonday，shewillbeprettylikelytobeaccostedandinsulted——andnotbydrunkensailors，butbymenwhocarrythelookandwearthedressofgentlemen。
Itismaintainedthatthesepeoplearenotgentlemen，butarealowersort，disguisedasgentlemen。ThecaseofColonelValentineBakerobstructsthatargument，foramancannotbecomeanofficerintheBritisharmyexceptheholdtherankofgentleman。Thisperson，findinghimselfaloneinarailwaycompartmentwithanunprotectedgirl——butitisanatrociousstory，anddoubtlessthereaderremembersitwellenough。
LondonmusthavebeenmoreorlessaccustomedtoBakers，andthewaysofBakers，elseLondonwouldhavebeenoffendedandexcited。Bakerwas\"imprisoned\"——inaparlor；
andhecouldnothavebeenmorevisited，ormoreoverwhelmedwithattentions，ifhehadcommittedsixmurdersandthen——
whilethegallowswaspreparing——\"gotreligion\"——afterthemanneroftheholyCharlesPeace，ofsaintlymemory。
Arkansaw——itseemsalittleindelicatetobetrumpetingforthourownsuperiorities，andcomparisonsarealwaysodious，butstill——ArkansawwouldcertainlyhavehangedBaker。
Idonotsayshewouldhavetriedhimfirst，butshewouldhavehangedhim，anyway。
Eventhemostdegradedwomancanwalkourstreetsunmolested，hersexandherweaknessbeinghersufficientprotection。
Shewillencounterlesspolishthanshewouldintheoldworld，butshewillrunacrossenoughhumanitytomakeupforit。
Themusicofadonkeyawokeusearlyinthemorning，andweroseupandmadereadyforaprettyformidablewalk——toItaly；buttheroadwassolevelthatwetookthetrain……Welostagooddealoftimebythis，butitwasnomatter，wewerenotinahurry。WewerefourhoursgoingtoChamb`ery。TheSwisstrainsgoupwardofthreemilesanhour，inplaces，buttheyarequitesafe。
ThatagedFrenchtownofChamb`erywasasquaintandcrookedasHeilbronn。Adrowsyreposefulquietreignedinthebackstreetswhichmadestrollingthroughthemverypleasant，barringthealmostunbearableheatofthesun。
Inoneofthesestreets，whichwaseightfeetwide，gracefullycurved，andbuiltupwithsmallantiquatedhouses，Isawthreefathogslyingasleep，andaboyalsoasleep
takingcareofthem。Fromqueerold-fashionedwindowsalongthecurveprojectedboxesofbrightflowers，andovertheedgeofoneoftheseboxeshungtheheadandshouldersofacat——asleep。Thefivesleepingcreaturesweretheonlylivingthingsvisibleinthatstreet。Therewasnotasound；absolutestillnessprevailed。ItwasSunday；
oneisnotusedtosuchdreamySundaysonthecontinent。
Inourpartofthetownitwasdifferentthatnight。
AregimentofbrownandbatteredsoldiershadarrivedhomefromAlgiers，andIjudgedtheygotthirstyontheway。
Theysanganddranktilldawn，inthepleasantopenair。
WeleftforTurinattenthenextmorningbyarailwaywhichwasprofuselydecoratedwithtunnels。Weforgottotakealanternalong，consequentlywemissedallthescenery。
Ourcompartmentwasfull。Aponderoustow-headedSwisswoman，whoputonmanyfine-ladyairs，butwasevidentlymoreusedtowashinglinenthanwearingit，satinacornerseatandputherlegsacrossintotheoppositeone，proppingthemintermediatelywithherup-endedvalise。
Intheseatthuspirated，sattwoAmericans，greatlyincommodedbythatwoman\'smajesticcoffin-cladfeet。Oneofthembegged，politely，toremovethem。Sheopenedherwideeyesandgavehimastare，butanswerednothing。Byandbyhepreferredhisrequestagain，withgreatrespectfulness。
Shesaid，ingoodEnglish，andinadeeplyoffendedtone，thatshehadpaidherpassageandwasnotgoingtobebulliedoutofher\"rights\"byill-bredforeigners，evenifshewasaloneandunprotected。
\"ButIhaverights，also，madam。Myticketentitlesmetoaseat，butyouareoccupyinghalfofit。\"
\"Iwillnottalkwithyou，sir。Whatrighthaveyoutospeaktome?Idonotknowyou。Onewouldknowyoucamefromalandwheretherearenogentlemen。
NoGENTLEMANwouldtreataladyasyouhavetreatedme。\"
\"Icomefromaregionwherealadywouldhardlygivemethesameprovocation。\"
\"Youhaveinsultedme，sir!YouhaveintimatedthatIamnotalady——andIhopeIamNOTone，afterthepatternofyourcountry。\"
\"Ibegthatyouwillgiveyourselfnoalarmonthathead，madam；butatthesametimeImustinsist——alwaysrespectfully——thatyouletmehavemyseat。\"
Herethefragilelaundressburstintotearsandsobs。
\"Ineverwassoinsultedbefore!Never，never!Itisshameful，itisbrutal，itisbase，tobullyandabuseanunprotectedladywhohaslosttheuseofherlimbsandcannotputherfeettothefloorwithoutagony!\"
\"Goodheavens，madam，whydidn\'tyousaythatatfirst!I
offerathousandpardons。AndIofferthemmostsincerely。
Ididnotknow——ICOULDnotknow——anythingwasthematter。
Youaremostwelcometotheseat，andwouldhavebeenfromthefirstifIhadonlyknown。Iamtrulysorryitallhappened，Idoassureyou。\"
Buthecouldn\'tgetawordofforgivenessoutofher。
Shesimplysobbedandsniffedinasubduedbutwhollyunappeasablewayfortwolonghours，meantimecrowdingthemanmorethaneverwithherundertaker-furnitureandpayingnosortofattentiontohisfrequentandhumblelittleeffortstodosomethingforhercomfort。
ThenthetrainhaltedattheItalianlineandshehoppedupandmarchedoutofthecarwithasfirmalegasanywasherwomanofallhertribe!AndhowsickIwas，toseehowshehadfooledme。
Turinisaveryfinecity。Inthematterofroominessittranscendsanythingthatwaseverdreamedofbefore，Ifancy。Itsitsinthemidstofavastdead-level，andoneisobligedtoimaginethatlandmaybehadfortheasking，andnotaxestopay，solavishlydotheyuseit。
Thestreetsareextravagantlywide，thepavedsquaresareprodigious，thehousesarehugeandhandsome，andcompactedintouniformblocksthatstretchawayasstraightasanarrow，intothedistance。ThesidewalksareaboutaswideasordinaryEuropeanSTREETS，andarecoveredoverwithadoublearcadesupportedongreatstonepiersorcolumns。Onewalksfromoneendtotheotherofthesespaciousstreets，undershelterallthetime，andallhiscourseislinedwiththeprettiestofshopsandthemostinvitingdining-houses。
Thereisawideandlengthycourt，glitteringwiththemostwickedlyenticingshops，whichisroofedwithglass，highaloftoverhead，andpavedwithsoft-tonedmarbleslaidingracefulfigures；andatnightwhentheplaceisbrilliantwithgasandpopulouswithasaunteringandchattingandlaughingmultitudeofpleasure-seekers，itisaspectacleworthseeing。
Everythingisonalargescale；thepublicbuildings，forinstance——andtheyarearchitecturallyimposing，too，aswellaslarge。Thebigsquareshavebigbronzemonumentsinthem。Atthehoteltheygaveusroomsthatwerealarming，forsize，andparlortomatch。
Itwaswelltheweatherrequirednofireintheparlor，forIthinkonemightaswellhavetriedtowarmapark。
Theplacewouldhaveawarmlook，though，inanyweather，forthewindow-curtainswereofredsilkdamask，andthewallswerecoveredwiththesamefire-huedgoods——so，also，werethefoursofasandthebrigadeofchairs。Thefurniture，theornaments，thechandeliers，thecarpets，wereallnewandbrightandcostly。
Wedidnotneedaparloratall，buttheysaiditbelongedtothetwobedroomsandwemightuseitifwechose。
Sinceitwastocostnothing，wewerenotaversetousingit，ofcourse。
Turinmustsurelyreadagooddeal，forithasmorebook-storestothesquarerodthananyothertownI
knowof。Andithasitsownshareofmilitaryfolk。
TheItalianofficers\'uniformsareverymuchthemostbeautifulIhaveeverseen；and，asageneralthing，themeninthemwereashandsomeastheclothes。Theywerenotlargemen，buttheyhadfineforms，finefeatures，richolivecomplexions，andlustrousblackeyes。
ForseveralweeksIhadbeencullingalltheinformationIcouldaboutItaly，fromtourists。Thetouristswereallagreedupononething——onemustexpecttobecheatedateveryturnbytheItalians。ItookaneveningwalkinTurin，andpresentlycameacrossalittlePunchandJudyshowinoneofthegreatsquares。Twelveorfifteenpeopleconstitutedtheaudience。Thisminiaturetheaterwasnotmuchbiggerthanaman\'scoffinstoodonend；
theupperpartwasopenanddisplayedatinseledparlor——agood-sizedhandkerchiefwouldhaveansweredforadrop-curtain；thefootlightsconsistedofacoupleofcandle-endsaninchlong；variousmanikinsthesizeofdollsappearedonthestageandmadelongspeechesateachother，gesticulatingagooddeal，andtheygenerallyhadafightbeforetheygotthrough。Theywereworkedbystringsfromabove，andtheillusionwasnotperfect，foronesawnotonlythestringsbutthebrawnyhandthatmanipulatedthem——andtheactorsandactressesalltalkedinthesamevoice，too。Theaudiencestoodinfrontofthetheater，andseemedtoenjoytheperformanceheartily。
Whentheplaywasdone，ayouthinhisshirt-sleevesstartedaroundwithasmallcoppersaucertomakeacollection。
Ididnotknowhowmuchtoputin，butthoughtIwouldbeguidedbymypredecessors。Unluckily，Ionlyhadtwoofthese，andtheydidnothelpmemuchbecausetheydidnotputinanything。IhadnoItalianmoney，soIputinasmallSwisscoinworthabouttencents。
Theyouthfinishedhiscollectiontripandemptiedtheresultonthestage；hehadsomeveryanimatedtalkwiththeconcealedmanager，thenhecameworkinghiswaythroughthelittlecrowd——seekingme，Ithought。
Ihadamindtoslipaway，butconcludedIwouldn\'t；
Iwouldstandmyground，andconfrontthevillainy，whateveritwas。TheyouthstoodbeforemeandheldupthatSwisscoin，sureenough，andsaidsomething。
Ididnotunderstandhim，butIjudgedhewasrequiringItalianmoneyofme。Thecrowdgatheredclose，tolisten。Iwasirritated，andsaid——inEnglish，ofcourse:
\"Iknowit\'sSwiss，butyou\'lltakethatornone。
Ihaven\'tanyother。\"
Hetriedtoputthecoininmyhand，andspokeagain。
Idrewmyhandaway，andsaid:
\"NO，sir。Iknowallaboutyoupeople。Youcan\'tplayanyofyourfraudfultricksonme。Ifthereisadiscountonthatcoin，Iamsorry，butIamnotgoingtomakeitgood。Inoticedthatsomeoftheaudiencedidn\'tpayyouanythingatall。Youletthemgo，withoutaword，butyoucomeaftermebecauseyouthinkI\'mastrangerandwillputupwithanextortionratherthanhaveascene。
Butyouaremistakenthistime——you\'lltakethatSwissmoneyornone。\"
Theyouthstoodtherewiththecoininhisfingers，nonplusedandbewildered；ofcoursehehadnotunderstoodaword。AnEnglish-speakingItalianspokeup，now，andsaid:
\"Youaremisunderstandingtheboy。Hedoesnotmeananyharm。
Hedidnotsupposeyougavehimsomuchmoneypurposely，sohehurriedbacktoreturnyouthecoinlestyoumightgetawaybeforeyoudiscoveredyourmistake。
Takeit，andgivehimapenny——thatwillmakeeverythingsmoothagain。\"
Iprobablyblushed，then，fortherewasoccasion。
ThroughtheinterpreterIbeggedtheboy\'spardon，butInoblyrefusedtotakebackthetencents。IsaidIwasaccustomedtosquanderinglargesumsinthatway——
itwasthekindofpersonIwas。ThenIretiredtomakeanotetotheeffectthatinItalypersonsconnectedwiththedramadonotcheat。
Theepisodewiththeshowmanremindsmeofadarkchapterinmyhistory。Ioncerobbedanagedandblindbeggar-womanoffourdollars——inachurch。Ithappenedthisway。
WhenIwasoutwiththeInnocentsAbroad，theshipstoppedintheRussianportofOdessaandIwentashore，withothers，toviewthetown。Igotseparatedfromtherest，andwanderedaboutalone，untillateintheafternoon，whenIenteredaGreekchurchtoseewhatitwaslike。
WhenIwasreadytoleave，Iobservedtwowrinkledoldwomenstandingstifflyuprightagainsttheinnerwall，nearthedoor，withtheirbrownpalmsopentoreceivealms。
Icontributedtothenearerone，andpassedout。
Ihadgonefiftyyards，perhaps，whenitoccurredtomethatImustremainashoreallnight，asIhadheardthattheship\'sbusinesswouldcarryherawayatfouro\'clockandkeepherawayuntilmorning。Itwasalittleafterfournow。Ihadcomeashorewithonlytwopiecesofmoney，bothaboutthesamesize，butdifferinglargelyinvalue——onewasaFrenchgoldpieceworthfourdollars，theotheraTurkishcoinworthtwocentsandahalf。
Withasuddenandhorrifiedmisgiving，Iputmyhandinmypocket，now，andsureenough，IfetchedoutthatTurkishpenny!
Herewasasituation。Ahotelwouldrequirepayinadvance——Imustwalkthestreetallnight，andperhapsbearrestedasasuspiciouscharacter。Therewasbutonewayoutofthedifficulty——Iflewbacktothechurch，andsoftlyentered。Therestoodtheoldwomanyet，andinthepalmofthenearestonestilllaymygoldpiece。
Iwasgrateful。Icreptclose，feelingunspeakablymean；
IgotmyTurkishpennyready，andwasextendingatremblinghandtomakethenefariousexchange，whenIheardacoughbehindme。IjumpedbackasifIhadbeenaccused，andstoodquakingwhileaworshiperenteredandpasseduptheaisle。
Iwasthereayeartryingtostealthatmoney；thatis，itseemedayear，though，ofcourse，itmusthavebeenmuchless。Theworshiperswentandcame；therewerehardlyeverthreeinthechurchatonce，buttherewasalwaysoneormore。EverytimeItriedtocommitmycrimesomebodycameinorsomebodystartedout，andIwasprevented；
butatlastmyopportunitycame；foronemomenttherewasnobodyinthechurchbutthetwobeggar-womenandme。
Iwhippedthegoldpieceoutofthepooroldpauper\'spalmanddroppedmyTurkishpennyinitsplace。Pooroldthing，shemurmuredherthanks——theysmotemetotheheart。
ThenIspedawayinaguiltyhurry，andevenwhenIwasamilefromthechurchIwasstillglancingback，everymoment，toseeifIwasbeingpursued。
Thatexperiencehasbeenofpricelessvalueandbenefittome；forIresolvedthen，thataslongasIlivedI
wouldneveragainrobablindbeggar-womaninachurch；
andIhavealwayskeptmyword。Themostpermanentlessonsinmoralsarethosewhichcome，notofbookyteaching，butofexperience。
CHAPTERXLVIII
[BeautyofWomen——andofOldMasters]
InMilanwespentmostofourtimeinthevastandbeautifulArcadeorGallery，orwhateveritiscalled。
Blocksoftallnewbuildingsofthemostsumptuoussort，richwithdecorationandgracedwithstatues，thestreetsbetweentheseblocksroofedoverwithglassatagreatheight，thepavementsallofsmoothandvariegatedmarble，arrangedintastefulpatterns——littletablesalloverthesemarblestreets，peoplesittingatthem，eating，drinking，orsmoking——crowdsofotherpeoplestrollingby——suchistheArcade。Ishouldliketoliveinitallthetime。
Thewindowsofthesumptuousrestaurantsstandopen，andonebreakfaststhereandenjoysthepassingshow。
Wewanderedalloverthetown，enjoyingwhateverwasgoingoninthestreets。Wetookoneomnibusride，andasI
didnotspeakItalianandcouldnotasktheprice，Iheldoutsomecoppercoinstotheconductor，andhetooktwo。
Thenhewentandgothistariffcardandshowedmethathehadtakenonlytherightsum。SoImadeanote——Italianomnibusconductorsdonotcheat。
NeartheCathedralIsawanotherinstanceofprobity。
Anoldmanwaspeddlingdollsandtoyfans。TwosmallAmericanchildrenandonegavetheoldmanafrancandthreecoppercoins，andbothstartedaway；buttheywerecalledback，andthefrancandoneofthecopperswererestoredtothem。HenceitisplainthatinItaly，partiesconnectedwiththedramaandtheomnibusandthetoyinterestsdonotcheat。
Thestocksofgoodsintheshopswerenotextensive，generally。
Inthevestibuleofwhatseemedtobeaclothingstore，wesaweightortenwoodendummiesgroupedtogether，clothedinwoolenbusinesssuitsandeachmarkedwithitsprice。
Onesuitwasmarkedforty-fivefrancs——ninedollars。
Harrissteppedinandsaidhewantedasuitlikethat。
Nothingeasier:theoldmerchantdraggedinthedummy，brushedhimoffwithabroom，strippedhim，andshippedtheclothestothehotel。Hesaidhedidnotkeeptwosuitsofthesamekindinstock，butmanufacturedasecondwhenitwasneededtoreclothethedummy。
InanotherquarterwefoundsixItaliansengagedinaviolentquarrel。Theydancedfiercelyabout，gesticulatingwiththeirheads，theirarms，theirlegs，theirwholebodies；theywouldrushforwardoccasionallywithasuddenaccessofpassionandshaketheirfistsineachother\'sveryfaces。Welosthalfanhourthere，waitingtohelpcordupthedead，buttheyfinallyembracedeachotheraffectionately，andthetroublewasover。
Theepisodewasinteresting，butwecouldnothaveaffordedallthetimetoitifwehadknownnothingwasgoingtocomeofitbutareconciliation。Notemade——inItaly，peoplewhoquarrelcheatthespectator。
Wehadanotherdisappointmentafterward。Weapproachedadeeplyinterestedcrowd，andinthemidstofitfoundafellowwildlychatteringandgesticulatingoveraboxonthegroundwhichwascoveredwithapieceofoldblanket。Everylittlewhilehewouldbenddownandtakeholdoftheedgeoftheblanketwiththeextremetipsofhisfingertips，asiftoshowtherewasnodeception——chatteringawayallthewhile——butalways，justasIwasexpectingtoseeawonderfeatoflegerdemain，hewouldletgotheblanketandrisetoexplainfurther。
However，atlastheuncoveredtheboxandgotoutaspoonwithaliquidinit，andhelditfairandfranklyaround，forpeopletoseethatitwasallrightandhewastakingnoadvantage——hischatterbecamemoreexcitedthanever。
Isupposedhewasgoingtosetfiretotheliquidandswallowit，soIwasgreatlywroughtupandinterested。
Igotacentreadyinonehandandaflorinintheother，intendingtogivehimtheformerifhesurvivedandthelatterifhekilledhimself——forhislosswouldbemygaininaliteraryway，andIwaswillingtopayafairpricefortheitem——butthisimpostorendedhisintenselymovingperformancebysimplyaddingsomepowdertotheliquidandpolishingthespoon!Thenhehelditaloft，andhecouldnothaveshownawilderexultationifhehadachievedanimmortalmiracle。Thecrowdapplaudedinagratifiedway，anditseemedtomethathistoryspeaksthetruthwhenitsaysthesechildrenofthesouthareeasilyentertained。
Wespentanimpressivehourinthenoblecathedral，wherelongshaftsoftintedlightwerecleavingthroughthesolemndimnessfromtheloftywindowsandfallingonapillarhere，apicturethere，andakneelingworshiperyonder。
Theorganwasmuttering，censerswereswinging，candleswereglintingonthedistantaltarandrobedpriestswerefilingsilentlypastthem；thescenewasonetosweepallfrivolousthoughtsawayandsteepthesoulinaholycalm。
AtrimyoungAmericanladypausedayardortwofromme，fixedhereyesonthemellowsparksfleckingthefar-offaltar，bentherheadreverentlyamoment，thenstraightenedup，kickedhertrainintotheairwithherheel，caughtitdeftlyinherhand，andmarchedbrisklyout。
Wevisitedthepicture-galleriesandtheotherregulation\"sights\"
ofMilan——notbecauseIwantedtowriteaboutthemagain，buttoseeifIhadlearnedanythingintwelveyears。
IafterwardvisitedthegreatgalleriesofRomeandFlorenceforthesamepurpose。IfoundIhadlearnedonething。WhenIwroteabouttheOldMastersbefore，Isaidthecopieswerebetterthantheoriginals。