Richoldfarmer，namedHuss。Hasinheritedgreatwealthofmanure，andbydiligencehasaddedtoit。Itisdouble-starredinBaedeker。[1]TheBlackforestartistpaintsit——hismasterpiece。Thekingcomestoseeit。
GretchenHuss，daughterandheiress。PaulHoch，youngneighbor，suitorforGretchen\'shand——ostensibly；
hereallywantsthemanure。Hochhasagoodmanycart-loadsoftheBlackForestcurrencyhimself，andthereforeisagoodcatch；butheissordid，mean，andwithoutsentiment，whereasGretchenisallsentimentandpoetry。
HansSchmidt，youngneighbor，fullofsentiment，fullofpoetry，lovesGretchen，Gretchenloveshim。
Buthehasnomanure。OldHussforbidshiminthehouse。
Hisheartbreaks，hegoesawaytodieinthewoods，farfromthecruelworld——forhesays，bitterly，\"Whatisman，withoutmanure?\"
1。WhenBaedeker\'sguide-booksmentionathingandputtwostars**afterit，itmeanswellworthvisiting。
M。T。
[Intervalofsixmonths。]
PaulHochcomestooldHussandsays，\"Iamatlastasrichasyourequired——comeandviewthepile。\"
OldHussviewsitandsays，\"Itissufficient——takeherandbehappy，\"——meaningGretchen。
[Intervaloftwoweeks。]
WeddingpartyassembledinoldHuss\'sdrawing-room。Hochplacidandcontent，Gretchenweepingoverherhardfate。
EnteroldHuss\'sheadbookkeeper。Husssaysfiercely，\"Igaveyouthreeweekstofindoutwhyyourbooksdon\'tbalance，andtoprovethatyouarenotadefaulter；
thetimeisup——findmethemissingpropertyoryougotoprisonasathief。\"Bookkeeper:\"Ihavefoundit。\"
\"Where?\"Bookkeepersternly——tragically:\"Inthebridegroom\'spile!——beholdthethief——seehimblenchandtremble!\"
[Sensation。]PaulHoch:Lost，lost!\"——fallsoverthecowinaswoonandishandcuffed。Gretchen:\"Saved!\"Fallsoverthecalfinaswoonofjoy，butiscaughtinthearmsofHansSchmidt，whospringsinatthatmoment。OldHuss:
\"What，youhere，varlet?Unhandthemaidandquittheplace。\"
Hansstillsupportingtheinsensiblegirl:\"Never!Crueloldman，knowthatIcomewithclaimswhichevenyoucannotdespise。\"
Huss:\"What，YOU?namethem。\"
Hans:\"Listenthen。Theworldhasforsakenme，Iforsooktheworld，Iwanderedinthesolitudeoftheforest，longingfordeathbutfindingnone。Ifeduponroots，andinmybitternessIdugforthebitterest，loathingthesweeterkind。Digging，threedaysagone，Istruckamanuremine!——aGolconda，alimitlessBonanza，ofsolidmanure!IcanbuyyouALL，andhavemountainrangesofmanureleft!Ha-ha，NOWthousmilestasmile!\"
[Immensesensation。]Exhibitionofspecimensfromthemine。
OldHussenthusiastically:\"Wakeherup，shakeherup，nobleyoungman，sheisyours!\"Weddingtakesplaceonthespot；bookkeeperrestoredtohisofficeandemoluments；
PaulHochledofftojail。TheBonanzakingoftheBlackForestlivestoagoodoldage，blessedwiththeloveofhiswifeandofhistwenty-sevenchildren，andthestillsweeterenvyofeverybodyaround。
WetookournoonmealoffriedtroutonedayatthePlowInn，inaveryprettyvillageOttenho\"fen，andthenwentintothepublicroomtorestandsmoke。TherewefoundnineortenBlackForestgrandeesassembledaroundatable。
TheyweretheCommonCounciloftheparish。Theyhadgatheredthereateighto\'clockthatmorningtoelectanewmember，andtheyhadnowbeendrinkingbeerfourhoursatthenewmember\'sexpense。Theyweremenoffiftyorsixtyyearsofage，withgravegood-naturesfaces，andwerealldressedinthecostumemadefamiliartousbytheBlackForeststories；broad，round-toppedblackfelthatswiththebrimscurledupallround；longredwaistcoatswithlargemetalbuttons，blackalpacacoatswiththewaistsupbetweentheshoulders。Therewerenospeeches，therewasbutlittletalk，therewerenofrivolities；
theCouncilfilledthemselvesgradually，steadily，butsurely，withbeer，andconductedthemselveswithsedatedecorum，asbecamemenofposition，menofinfluence，menofmanure。
Wehadahotafternoontrampupthevalley，alongthegrassybankofarushingstreamofclearwater，pastfarmhouses，water-mills，andnoendofwaysidecrucifixesandsaintsandVirgins。Thesecrucifixes，etc。，aresetupinmemoryofdepartedfriends，bysurvivors，andarealmostasfrequentastelegraph-polesareinotherlands。
Wefollowedthecarriage-road，andhadourusualluck；
wetraveledunderabeatingsun，andalwayssawtheshadeleavetheshadyplacesbeforewecouldgettothem。
Inallourwanderingsweseldommanagedtostrikeapieceofroadatitstimeforbeingshady。Wehadaparticularlyhottimeofitonthatparticularafternoon，andwithnocomfortbutwhatwecouldgetoutofthefactthatthepeasantsatworkawayuponthesteepmountainsidesaboveourheadswereevenworseoffthanwewere。
Byandbyitbecameimpossibletoenduretheintolerableglareandheatanylonger；sowestruckacrosstheravineandenteredthedeepcooltwilightoftheforest，tohuntforwhattheguide-bookcalledthe\"oldroad。\"
Wefoundanoldroad，anditprovedeventuallytobetherightone，thoughwefolloweditatthetimewiththeconvictionthatitwasthewrongone。Ifitwasthewrongonetherecouldbenouseinhurrying；thereforewedidnothurry，butsatdownfrequentlyonthesoftmossandenjoyedtherestfulquietandshadeoftheforestsolitudes。
Therehadbeendistractionsinthecarriage-road——
school-children，peasants，wagons，troopsofpedestrianizingstudentsfromalloverGermany——
butwehadtheoldroadtoourselves。
Nowandthen，whilewerested，wewatchedthelaboriousantathiswork。Ifoundnothingnewinhim——certainlynothingtochangemyopinionofhim。Itseemstomethatinthematterofintellecttheantmustbeastrangelyoverratedbird。Duringmanysummers，now，Ihavewatchedhim，whenIoughttohavebeeninbetterbusiness，andIhavenotyetcomeacrossalivingantthatseemedtohaveanymoresensethanadeadone。Irefertotheordinaryant，ofcourse；IhavehadnoexperienceofthosewonderfulSwissandAfricanoneswhichvote，keepdrilledarmies，holdslaves，anddisputeaboutreligion。Thoseparticularantsmaybeallthatthenaturalistpaintsthem，butIampersuadedthattheaverageantisasham。
Iadmithisindustry，ofcourse；heisthehardest-workingcreatureintheworld——whenanybodyislooking——buthisleather-headednessisthepointImakeagainsthim。
Hegoesoutforaging，hemakesacapture，andthenwhatdoeshedo?Gohome?No——hegoesanywherebuthome。
Hedoesn\'tknowwherehomeis。Hishomemaybeonlythreefeetaway——nomatter，hecan\'tfindit。Hemakeshiscapture，asIhavesaid；itisgenerallysomethingwhichcanbeofnosortofusetohimselforanybodyelse；
itisusuallyseventimesbiggerthanitoughttobe；
hehuntsouttheawkwardestplacetotakeholdofit；
heliftsitbodilyupintheairbymainforce，andstarts；
nottowardhome，butintheoppositedirection；notcalmlyandwisely，butwithafrantichastewhichiswastefulofhisstrength；hefetchesupagainstapebble，andinsteadofgoingaroundit，heclimbsoveritbackwarddragginghisbootyafterhim，tumblesdownontheotherside，jumpsupinapassion，kicksthedustoffhisclothes，moistenshishands，grabshispropertyviciously，yanksitthisway，thenthat，shovesitaheadofhimamoment，turnstailandlugsitafterhimanothermoment，getsmadderandmadder，thenpresentlyhoistsitintotheairandgoestearingawayinanentirelynewdirection；comestoaweed；
itneveroccurstohimtogoaroundit；no，hemustclimbit；
andhedoesclimbit，dragginghisworthlesspropertytothetop——whichisasbrightathingtodoasitwouldbeformetocarryasackofflourfromHeidelbergtoParisbywayofStrasburgsteeple；whenhegetsuptherehefindsthatthatisnottheplace；takesacursoryglanceatthesceneryandeitherclimbsdownagainortumblesdown，andstartsoffoncemore——asusual，inanewdirection。
Attheendofhalfanhour，hefetchesupwithinsixinchesoftheplacehestartedfromandlayshisburdendown；
meantimeheasbeenoverallthegroundfortwoyardsaround，andclimbedalltheweedsandpebbleshecameacross。
Nowhewipesthesweatfromhisbrow，strokeshislimbs，andthenmarchesaimlesslyoff，inasviolentlyahurryasever。Hedoesnotremembertohaveeverseenitbefore；
helooksaroundtoseewhichisnotthewayhome，grabshisbundleandstarts；hegoesthroughthesameadventureshehadbefore；finallystopstorest，andafriendcomesalong。
Evidentlythefriendremarksthatalastyear\'sgrasshopperlegisaverynobleacquisition，andinquireswherehegotit。Evidentlytheproprietordoesnotrememberexactlywherehedidgetit，butthinkshegotit\"aroundheresomewhere。\"Evidentlythefriendcontractstohelphimfreightithome。Then，withajudgmentpeculiarlyanticpunnotintended，thentakeholdofoppositeendsofthatgrasshopperlegandbegintotugwithalltheirmightinoppositedirections。Presentlytheytakearestandconfertogether。Theydecidethatsomethingiswrong，theycan\'tmakeoutwhat。Thentheygoatitagain，justasbefore。Sameresult。Mutualrecriminationsfollow。
Evidentlyeachaccusestheotherofbeinganobstructionist。
Theylockthemselvestogetherandcheweachother\'sjawsforawhile；thentheyrollandtumbleonthegroundtillonelosesahornoralegandhastohauloffforrepairs。
Theymakeupandgotoworkagaininthesameoldinsaneway，butthecrippledantisatadisadvantage；tugashemay，theotheronedragsoffthebootyandhimattheendofit。
Insteadofgivingup，hehangson，andgetshisshinsbruisedagainsteveryobstructionthatcomesintheway。
Byandby，whenthatgrasshopperleghasbeendraggedalloverthesameoldgroundoncemore，itisfinallydumpedataboutthespotwhereitoriginallylay，thetwoperspiringantsinspectitthoughtfullyanddecidethatdriedgrasshopperlegsareapoorsortofpropertyafterall，andtheneachstartsoffinadifferentdirectiontoseeifhecan\'tfindanoldnailorsomethingelsethatisheavyenoughtoaffordentertainmentandatthesametimevaluelessenoughtomakeanantwanttoownit。
ThereintheBlackForest，onthemountainside，Isawanantgothroughwithsuchaperformanceasthiswithadeadspideroffullytentimeshisownweight。
Thespiderwasnotquitedead，buttoofargonetoresist。
Hehadaroundbodythesizeofapea。Thelittleant——
observingthatIwasnoticing——turnedhimonhisback，sunkhisfangsintohisthroat，liftedhimintotheairandstartedvigorouslyoffwithhim，stumblingoverlittlepebbles，steppingonthespider\'slegsandtrippinghimselfup，dragginghimbackward，shovinghimbodilyahead，dragginghimupstonessixincheshighinsteadofgoingaroundthem，climbingweedstwentytimeshisownheightandjumpingfromtheirsummits——andfinallyleavinghiminthemiddleoftheroadtobeconfiscatedbyanyotherfoolofanantthatwantedhim。Imeasuredthegroundwhichthisasstraversed，andarrivedattheconclusionthatwhathehadaccomplishedinsideoftwentyminuteswouldconstitutesomesuchjobasthis——relativelyspeaking——foraman；
towit:tostraptwoeight-hundred-poundhorsestogether，carrythemeighteenhundredfeet，mainlyovernotaround
bouldersaveragingsixfeethigh，andinthecourseofthejourneyclimbupandjumpfromthetopofoneprecipicelikeNiagara，andthreesteeples，eachahundredandtwentyfeethigh；andthenputthehorsesdown，inanexposedplace，withoutanybodytowatchthem，andgoofftoindulgeinsomeotheridioticmiracleforvanity\'ssake。
Sciencehasrecentlydiscoveredthattheantdoesnotlayupanythingforwinteruse。Thiswillknockhimoutofliterature，tosomeextent。Hedoesnotwork，exceptwhenpeoplearelooking，andonlythenwhentheobserverhasagreen，naturalisticlook，andseemstobetakingnotes。Thisamountstodeception，andwillinjurehimfortheSunday-schools。Hehasnotjudgmentenoughtoknowwhatisgoodtoeatfromwhatisn\'t。Thisamountstoignorance，andwillimpairtheworld\'srespectforhim。
Hecannotstrollaroundastumpandfindhiswayhomeagain。
Thisamountstoidiocy，andoncethedamagingfactisestablished，thoughtfulpeoplewillceasetolookuptohim，thesentimentalwillceasetofondlehim。
Hisvauntedindustryisbutavanityandofnoeffect，sincehenevergetshomewithanythinghestartswith。
Thisdisposesofthelastremnantofhisreputationandwhollydestroyshismainusefulnessasamoralagent，sinceitwillmakethesluggardhesitatetogotohimanymore。Itisstrange，beyondcomprehension，thatsomanifestahumbugastheanthasbeenabletofoolsomanynationsandkeepitupsomanyageswithoutbeingfoundout。
Theantisstrong，butwesawanotherstrongthing，wherewehadnotsuspectedthepresenceofmuchmuscularpowerbefore。Atoadstool——thatvegetablewhichspringstofullgrowthinasinglenight——hadtornlooseandliftedamattedmassofpineneedlesanddirtoftwiceitsownbulkintotheair，andsupporteditthere，likeacolumnsupportingashed。Tenthousandtoadstools，withtherightpurchase，couldliftaman，Isuppose。
Butwhatgoodwoulditdo?
Allourafternoon\'sprogresshadbeenuphill。Aboutfiveorhalfpastwereachedthesummit，andallofasuddenthedensecurtainoftheforestpartedandwelookeddownintoadeepandbeautifulgorgeandoutoverawidepanoramaofwoodedmountainswiththeirsummitsshininginthesunandtheirglade-furrowedsidesdimmedwithpurpleshade。Thegorgeunderourfeet——calledAllerheiligen——affordedroominthegrassylevelatitsheadforacozyanddelightfulhumannest，shutawayfromtheworldanditsbotherations，andconsequentlythemonksoftheoldtimeshadnotfailedtospyitout；
andherewerethebrownandcomelyruinsoftheirchurchandconventtoprovethatpriestshadasfineaninstinctsevenhundredyearsagoinferretingoutthechoicestnooksandcornersinalandaspriestshavetoday。
Abighotelcrowdstheruinsalittle，now，anddrivesabrisktradewithsummertourists。Wedescendedintothegorgeandhadasupperwhichwouldhavebeenverysatisfactoryifthetrouthadnotbeenboiled。
TheGermansareprettysuretoboilatroutoranythingelseiflefttotheirowndevices。ThisisanargumentofsomevalueinsupportofthetheorythattheyweretheoriginalcolonistsofthewildislandsofthecoastofScotland。Aschoonerladenwithorangeswaswreckedupononeofthoseislandsafewyearsago，andthegentlesavagesrenderedthecaptainsuchwillingassistancethathegavethemasmanyorangesastheywanted。
Nextdayheaskedthemhowtheylikedthem。Theyshooktheirheadsandsaid:
\"Baked，theyweretough；andevenboiled，theywarn\'tthingsforahungrymantohankerafter。\"
Wewentdowntheglenaftersupper。Itisbeautiful——amixtureofsylvanlovelinessandcraggywildness。
Alimpidtorrentgoeswhistlingdowntheglen，andtowardthefootofitwindsthroughanarrowcleftbetweenloftyprecipicesandhurlsitselfoverasuccessionoffalls。
Afteronepassesthelastofthesehehasabackwardglimpseatthefallswhichisverypleasing——theyriseinaseven-steppedstairwayoffoamyandglitteringcascades，andmakeapicturewhichisascharmingasitisunusual。
CHAPTERXXIII
[NicodemusDodgeandtheSkeleton]
WeweresatisfiedthatwecouldwalktoOppenauinoneday，nowthatwewereinpractice；sowesetoutthenextmorningafterbreakfastdeterminedtodoit。
Itwasallthewaydownhill，andwehadtheloveliestsummerweatherforit。Sowesetthepedometerandthenstretchedawayonaneasy，regularstride，downthroughtheclovenforest，drawinginthefragrantbreathofthemorningindeeprefreshingdraughts，andwishingwemightneverhaveanythingtodoforeverbutwalktoOppenauandkeepondoingitandthendoingitoveragain。
Now，thetruecharmofpedestrianismdoesnotlieinthewalking，orinthescenery，butinthetalking。
Thewalkingisgoodtotimethemovementofthetongueby，andtokeepthebloodandthebrainstirredupandactive；
thesceneryandthewoodsysmellsaregoodtobearinuponamananunconsciousandunobtrusivecharmandsolacetoeyeandsoulandsense；butthesupremepleasurecomesfromthetalk。Itisnomatterwhetheronetalkswisdomornonsense，thecaseisthesame，thebulkoftheenjoymentliesinthewaggingofthegladsomejawandtheflappingofthesympatheticear。
Andwhatmotleyvarietyofsubjectsacoupleofpeoplewillcasuallyrakeoverinthecourseofaday\'stramp!Therebeingnoconstraint，achangeofsubjectisalwaysinorder，andsoabodyisnotlikelytokeeppeggingatasingletopicuntilitgrowstiresome。Wediscussedeverythingweknew，duringthefirstfifteenortwentyminutes，thatmorning，andthenbranchedoutintotheglad，free，boundlessrealmofthethingswewerenotcertainabout。
Harrissaidthatifthebestwriterintheworldoncegottheslovenlyhabitofdoublinguphis\"haves\"hecouldnevergetridofitwhilehelived。Thatistosay，ifamangetsthehabitofsaying\"Ishouldhavelikedtohaveknownmoreaboutit\"insteadofsayingsimplyandsensibly，\"Ishouldhavelikedtoknowmoreaboutit，\"
thatman\'sdiseaseisincurable。HarrissaidthathissortoflapseistobefoundineverycopyofeverynewspaperthathaseverbeenprintedinEnglish，andinalmostallofourbooks。HesaidhehadobserveditinKirkham\'sgrammarandinMacaulay。Harrisbelievedthatmilk-teetharecommonerinmen\'smouthsthanthose\"doubled-uphaves。\"[1]
1。IdonotknowthattherehavenotbeenmomentsinthecourseofthepresentsessionwhenIshouldhavebeenverygladtohaveacceptedtheproposalofmynoblefriend，andtohaveexchangedpartsinsomeofoureveningsofwork——[FromaSpeechoftheEnglishChancelloroftheExchequer，August，1879。]
Thatchangedthesubjecttodentistry。IsaidIbelievedtheaveragemandreadedtooth-pullingmorethanamputation，andthathewouldyellquickerundertheformeroperationthanhewouldunderthelatter。ThephilosopherHarrissaidthattheaveragemanwouldnotyellineithercaseifhehadanaudience。Thenhecontinued:
\"WhenourbrigadefirstwentintocamponthePotomac，weusedtobebroughtupstanding，occasionally，byanear-splittinghowlofanguish。Thatmeantthatasoldierwasgettingatoothpulledinatent。Butthesurgeonssoonchangedthat；theyinstitutedopen-airdentistry。
Thereneverwasahowlafterward——thatis，fromthemanwhowashavingthetoothpulled。Atthedailydentalhourtherewouldalwaysbeaboutfivehundredsoldiersgatheredtogetherintheneighborhoodofthatdentalchairwaitingtoseetheperformance——andhelp；andthemomentthesurgeontookagriponthecandidate\'stoothandbegantolift，everyoneofthosefivehundredrascalswouldclaphishandtohisjawandbegintohoparoundononelegandhowlwithallthelungshehad!Itwasenoughtoraiseyourhairtohearthatvariegatedandenormousunanimouscaterwaulburstout!Withsobigandsoderisiveanaudienceasthat，asufferwouldn\'temitasoundthoughyoupulledhisheadoff。Thesurgeonssaidthatprettyoftenapatientwascompelledtolaugh，inthemidstofhispangs，butthathadnevercaughtonecryingout，aftertheopen-airexhibitionwasinstituted。\"
Dentalsurgeonssuggesteddoctors，doctorssuggesteddeath，deathsuggestedskeletons——andso，byalogicalprocesstheconversationmeltedoutofoneofthesesubjectsandintothenext，untilthetopicofskeletonsraisedupNicodemusDodgeoutofthedeepgraveinmymemorywherehehadlainburiedandforgottenfortwenty-fiveyears。
WhenIwasaboyinaprinting-officeinMissouri，aloose-jointed，long-legged，tow-headed，jeans-cladcountrifiedcubofaboutsixteenloungedinoneday，andwithoutremovinghishandsfromthedepthsofhistrouserspocketsortakingoffhisfadedruinofaslouchhat，whosebrokenrimhunglimpandraggedabouthiseyesandearslikeabug-eatencabbageleaf，staredindifferentlyaround，thenleanedhishipagainsttheeditor\'stable，crossedhismightybrogans，aimedatadistantflyfromacreviceinhisupperteeth，laidhimlow，andsaidwithcomposure:
\"Whar\'stheboss?\"
\"Iamtheboss，\"saidtheeditor，followingthiscuriousbitofarchitecturewonderinglyalonguptoitsclock-facewithhiseye。
\"Don\'twantanybodyfurtolearnthebusiness，\'tain\'tlikely?\"
\"Well，Idon\'tknow。Wouldyouliketolearnit?\"
\"Pap\'ssopo\'hecain\'trunmenomo\'，soIwanttogitashowsomersifIkin，\'taintnodiffuncewhat——I\'mstrongandhearty，andIdon\'tturnmybackonnokindofwork，hardnursoft。\"
\"Doyouthinkyouwouldliketolearntheprintingbusiness?\"
\"Well，Idon\'tre\'lyk\'yeradurnwhatIDOlearn，so\'sIgitachancefurtomakemyway。I\'djistassoonlearnprint\'n\'sanything。\"
\"Canyouread?\"
\"Yes——middlin\'。\"
\"Write?\"
\"Well，I\'veseedpeoplecouldlayovermethar。\"
\"Cipher?\"
\"Notgoodenoughtokeepstore，Idon\'treckon，butupasfurastwelve-times-twelveIain\'tnoslouch。
\'Tothersideofthatiswhatgitsme。\"
\"Whereisyourhome?\"
\"I\'mf\'moldShelby。\"
\"What\'syourfather\'sreligiousdenomination?\"
\"Him?Oh，he\'sablacksmith。\"
\"No，no——Idon\'tmeanhistrade。What\'shisRELIGIOUS
DENOMINATION?\"
\"OH——Ididn\'tunderstandyoubefo\'。He\'saFreemason。\"
\"No，no，youdon\'tgetmymeaningyet。WhatImeanis，doeshebelongtoanyCHURCH?\"
\"NOWyou\'retalkin\'!Couldn\'tmakeoutwhatyouwasa-tryin\'
togitthroughyo\'headnoway。B\'longtoaCHURCH!Why，boss，he\'sbenthepizenestkindofFree-willBabtis\'
forfortyyear。Theyain\'tnopizenerones\'nwhatHEis。
Mightygoodman，papis。Everybodysaysthat。Iftheysaidanydiffrunttheywouldn\'tsayitwhar_I_wuz——
notMUCHtheywouldn\'t。\"
\"Whatisyourownreligion?\"
\"Well，boss，you\'vekindo\'gotme，there——andyityouhain\'tgotmesomightymuch，nuther。Ithink\'tifafellerhe\'psanotherfellerwhenhe\'sintrouble，anddon\'tcuss，anddon\'tdonomeanthings，nurnoth\'n\'
heain\'nobusinesstodo，anddon\'tspelltheSaviour\'snamewithalittleg，heain\'trunnin\'noresks——he\'saboutassaiftasheb\'longedtoachurch。\"
\"Butsupposehedidspellitwithalittleg——whatthen?\"
\"Well，ifhedoneita-purpose，Ireckonhewouldn\'tstandnochance——heOUGHTN\'Ttohavenochance，anyway，I\'mmostrottencertain\'boutthat。\"
\"Whatisyourname?\"
\"NicodemusDodge。\"
\"Ithinkmaybeyou\'lldo，Nicodemus。We\'llgiveyouatrial，anyway。\"
\"Allright。\"
\"Whenwouldyouliketobegin?\"
\"Now。\"
So，withintenminutesafterwehadfirstglimpsedthisnondescripthewasoneofus，andwithhiscoatoffandhardatit。
Beyondthatendofourestablishmentwhichwasfurthestfromthestreet，wasadesertedgarden，pathless，andthicklygrownwiththebloomyandvillainous\"jimpson\"
weedanditscommonfriendthestatelysunflower。
Inthemidstofthismournfulspotwasadecayedandagedlittle\"frame\"housewithbutoneroom，onewindow，andnoceiling——ithadbeenasmoke-houseagenerationbefore。
Nicodemuswasgiventhislonelyandghostlydenasabedchamber。
ThevillagesmartiesrecognizedatreasureinNicodemus，rightaway——abutttoplayjokeson。Itwaseasytoseethathewasinconceivablygreenandconfiding。GeorgeJoneshadthegloryofperpetratingthefirstjokeonhim；
hegavehimacigarwithafirecrackerinitandwinkedtothecrowdtocome；thethingexplodedpresentlyandsweptawaythebulkofNicodemus\'seyebrowsandeyelashes。
Hesimplysaid:
\"Iconsiderthemkindofseeg\'yarsdangersome，\"——andseemedtosuspectnothing。ThenexteveningNicodemuswaylaidGeorgeandpouredabucketofice-wateroverhim。
Oneday，whileNicodemuswasinswimming，TomMcElroy\"tied\"hisclothes。NicodemusmadeabonfireofTom\'sbywayofretaliation。
AthirdjokewasplayeduponNicodemusadayortwolater——hewalkedupthemiddleaisleofthevillagechurch，Sundaynight，withastaringhandbillpinnedbetweenhisshoulders。
Thejokerspenttheremainderofthenight，afterchurch，inthecellarofadesertedhouse，andNicodemussatonthecellardoortilltowardbreakfast-timetomakesurethattheprisonerrememberedthatifanynoisewasmade，someroughtreatmentwouldbetheconsequence。Thecellarhadtwofeetofstagnantwaterinit，andwasbottomedwithsixinchesofsoftmud。
ButIwanderfromthepoint。Itwasthesubjectofskeletonsthatbroughtthisboybacktomyrecollection。
Beforeaverylongtimehadelapsed，thevillagesmartiesbegantofeelanuncomfortableconsciousnessofnothavingmadeaveryshiningsuccessoutoftheirattemptsonthesimpletonfrom\"oldShelby。\"Experimentersgrewscarceandchary。Nowtheyoungdoctorcametotherescue。
TherewasdelightandapplausewhenheproposedtoscareNicodemustodeath，andexplainedhowhewasgoingtodoit。
Hehadanoblenewskeleton——theskeletonofthelateandonlylocalcelebrity，JimmyFinn，thevillagedrunkard——agrislypieceofpropertywhichhehadboughtofJimmyFinnhimself，atauction，forfiftydollars，undergreatcompetition，whenJimmylayverysickinthetan-yardafortnightbeforehisdeath。Thefiftydollarshadgonepromptlyforwhiskeyandhadconsiderablyhurriedupthechangeofownershipintheskeleton。
ThedoctorwouldputJimmyFinn\'sskeletoninNicodemus\'sbed!
Thiswasdone——abouthalfpasttenintheevening。
AboutNicodemus\'susualbedtime——midnight——thevillagejokerscamecreepingstealthilythroughthejimpsonweedsandsunflowerstowardthelonelyframeden。
Theyreachedthewindowandpeepedin。Theresatthelong-leggedpauper，onhisbed，inaveryshortshirt，andnothingmore；hewasdanglinghislegscontentedlybackandforth，andwheezingthemusicof\"CamptownRaces\"
outofapaper-overlaidcombwhichhewaspressingagainsthismouth；byhimlayanewjewsharp，anewtop，andsolidindia-rubberball，ahandfulofpaintedmarbles，fivepoundsof\"store\"candy，andawell-gnawedslabofgingerbreadasbigandasthickasavolumeofsheet-music。
Hehadsoldtheskeletontoatravelingquackforthreedollarsandwasenjoyingtheresult!
Justaswehadfinishedtalkingaboutskeletonsandweredriftingintothesubjectoffossils，HarrisandIheardashout，andglancedupthesteephillside。Wesawmenandwomenstandingawayuptherelookingfrightened，andtherewasabulkyobjecttumblingandflounderingdownthesteepslopetowardus。Wegotoutoftheway，andwhentheobjectlandedintheroaditprovedtobeaboy。
Hehadtrippedandfallen，andtherewasnothingforhimtodobuttrusttoluckandtakewhatmightcome。
Whenonestartstorolldownaplacelikethat，thereisnostoppingtillthebottomisreached。ThinkofpeopleFARMINGonaslantwhichissosteepthatthebestyoucansayofit——ifyouwanttobefastidiouslyaccurate——is，thatitisalittlesteeperthanaladderandnotquitesosteepasamansardroof。Butthatiswhattheydo。
SomeofthelittlefarmsonthehillsideoppositeHeidelbergwerestoodup\"edgeways。\"Theboywaswonderfullyjoltedup，andhisheadwasbleeding，fromcutswhichithadgotfromsmallstonesontheway。
HarrisandIgatheredhimupandsethimonastone，andbythattimethemenandwomenhadscampereddownandbroughthiscap。
Men，women，andchildrenflockedoutfromneighboringcottagesandjoinedthecrowd；thepaleboywaspetted，andstaredat，andcommiserated，andwaterwasbroughtforhimtodrinkandbathehisbruisesin。
Andsuchanotherclatteroftongues!Allwhohadseenthecatastropheweredescribingitatonce，andeachtryingtotalklouderthanhisneighbor；andoneyouthofasuperiorgeniusranalittlewayupthehill，calledattention，tripped，fell，rolleddownamongus，andthustriumphantlyshowedexactlyhowthethinghadbeendone。
HarrisandIwereincludedinallthedescriptions；
howwewerecomingalong；howHansGrossshouted；
howwelookedupstartled；howwesawPetercominglikeacannon-shot；howjudiciouslywegotoutoftheway，andlethimcome；andwithwhatpresenceofmindwepickedhimupandbrushedhimoffandsethimonarockwhentheperformancewasover。Wewereasmuchheroesasanybodyelse，exceptPeter，andweresorecognized；
weweretakenwithPeterandthepopulacetoPeter\'smother\'scottage，andthereweatebreadandcheese，anddrankmilkandbeerwitheverybody，andhadamostsociablegoodtime；andwhenweleftwehadahandshakeallaround，andwerereceivingandshoutingbackLEB\'
WOHL\'suntilaturnintheroadseparatedusfromourcordialandkindlynewfriendsforever。
Weaccomplishedourundertaking。AthalfpasteightintheeveningwesteppedintoOppenau，justelevenhoursandahalfoutofAllerheiligen——onehundredandforty-sixmiles。Thisisthedistancebypedometer；
theguide-bookandtheImperialOrdinancemapsmakeitonlytenandaquarter——asurprisingblunder，forthesetwoauthoritiesareusuallysingularlyaccurateinthematterofdistances。
CHAPTERXXIV
[IProtecttheEmpressofGermany]
Thatwasathoroughlysatisfactorywalk——andtheonlyonewewereevertohavewhichwasallthewaydownhill。
WetookthetrainnextmorningandreturnedtoBaden-Badenthroughfearfulfogsofdust。Everyseatwascrowded，too；
foritwasSunday，andconsequentlyeverybodywastakinga\"pleasure\"excursion。Hot!theskywasanoven——andasoundone，too，withnocracksinittoletinanyair。
Anoddtimeforapleasureexcursion，certainly!
Sundayisthegreatdayonthecontinent——thefreeday，thehappyday。OnecanbreaktheSabbathinahundredwayswithoutcommittinganysin。
WedonotworkonSunday，becausethecommandmentforbidsit；
theGermansdonotworkonSunday，becausethecommandmentforbidsit。WerestonSunday，becausethecommandmentrequiresit；theGermansrestonSundaybecausethecommandmentrequiresit。Butinthedefinitionoftheword\"rest\"liesallthedifference。Withus，itsSundaymeaningis，stayinthehouseandkeepstill；
withtheGermansitsSundayandweek-daymeaningsseemtobethesame——resttheTIREDPART，andnevermindtheotherpartsoftheframe；restthetiredpart，andusethemeansbestcalculatedtorestthatparticularpart。
Thus:Ifone\'sdutieshavekepthiminthehousealltheweek，itwillresthimtobeoutonSunday；ifhisdutieshaverequiredhimtoreadweightyandseriousmatteralltheweek，itwillresthimtoreadlightmatteronSunday；
ifhisoccupationhasbusiedhimwithdeathandfuneralsalltheweek，itwillresthimtogotothetheaterSundaynightandputintwoorthreehourslaughingatacomedy；
ifheistiredwithdiggingditchesorfellingtreesalltheweek，itwillresthimtoliequietinthehouseonSunday；ifthehand，thearm，thebrain，thetongue，oranyothermember，isfatiguedwithinanition，itisnottoberestedbyaddedaday\'sinanition；
butifamemberisfatiguedwithexertion，inanitionistherightrestforit。SuchisthewayinwhichtheGermansseemtodefinetheword\"rest\"；thatistosay，theyrestamemberbyrecreating，recuperating，restoreitsforces。
Butourdefinitionislessbroad。WeallrestalikeonSunday——bysecludingourselvesandkeepingstill，whetherthatisthesurestwaytorestthemostofusornot。TheGermansmaketheactors，thepreachers，etc。，workonSunday。Weencouragethepreachers，theeditors，theprinters，etc。，toworkonSunday，andimaginethatnoneofthesinofitfallsuponus；
butIdonotknowhowwearegoingtogetaroundthefactthatifitiswrongfortheprintertoworkathistradeonSundayitmustbeequallywrongforthepreachertoworkathis，sincethecommandmenthasmadenoexceptioninhisfavor。WebuyMondaymorning\'spaperandreadit，andthusencourageSundayprinting。ButIshallneverdoitagain。
TheGermansremembertheSabbath-daytokeepitholy，byabstainingfromwork，ascommanded；wekeepitholybyabstainingfromwork，ascommanded，andbyalsoabstainingfromplay，whichisnotcommanded。
PerhapsweconstructivelyBREAKthecommandtorest，becausetherestingwedoisinmostcasesonlyaname，andnotafact。
Thesereasoningshavesufficed，inameasure，tomendtherentinmyconsciencewhichImadebytravelingtoBaden-BadenthatSunday。WearrivedintimetofurbishupandgettotheEnglishchurchbeforeservicesbegan。
Wearrivedinconsiderablestyle，too，forthelandlordhadorderedthefirstcarriagethatcouldbefound，sincetherewasnotimetolose，andourcoachmanwassosplendidlyliveriedthatwewereprobablymistakenforabraceofstraydukes；whyelsewerewehonoredwithapewalltoourselves，awayupamongtheveryelectattheleftofthechancel?Thatwasmyfirstthought。
Inthepewdirectlyinfrontofussatanelderlylady，plainlyandcheaplydressed；athersidesatayoungladywithaverysweetface，andshealsowasquitesimplydressed；butaroundusandaboutuswereclothesandjewelswhichitwoulddoanybody\'sheartgoodtoworshipin。
Ithoughtitwasprettymanifestthattheelderlyladywasembarrassedatfindingherselfinsuchaconspicuousplacearrayedinsuchcheapapparel；Ibegantofeelsorryforherandtroubledabouther。Shetriedtoseemverybusywithherprayer-bookandherresponses，andunconsciousthatshewasoutofplace，butIsaidtomyself，\"Sheisnotsucceeding——thereisadistressedtremulousnessinhervoicewhichbetraysincreasingembarrassment。\"
PresentlytheSavior\'snamewasmentioned，andinherflurryshelostherheadcompletely，androseandcourtesied，insteadofmakingaslightnodaseverybodyelsedid。
ThesympatheticbloodsurgedtomytemplesandIturnedandgavethosefinebirdswhatIintendedtobeabeseechinglook，butmyfeelingsgotthebetterofmeandchangeditintoalookwhichsaid，\"Ifanyofyoupetsoffortunelaughatthispoorsoul，youwilldeservetobeflayedforit。\"
Thingswentfrombadtoworse，andIshortlyfoundmyselfmentallytakingtheunfriendedladyundermyprotection。
Mymindwaswhollyuponher。Iforgotallaboutthesermon。
Herembarrassmenttookstrongerandstrongerholduponher；
shegottosnappingthelidofhersmelling-bottle——itmadealoud，sharpsound，butinhertroubleshesnappedandsnappedaway，unconsciousofwhatshewasdoing。
Thelastextremitywasreachedwhenthecollection-platebeganitsrounds；themoderatepeoplethrewinpennies，thenoblesandtherichcontributedsilver，butshelaidatwenty-markgoldpieceuponthebook-restbeforeherwithasoundingslap!Isaidtomyself，\"Shehaspartedwithallherlittlehoardtobuytheconsiderationoftheseunpityingpeople——itisasorrowfulspectacle。\"Ididnotventuretolookaroundthistime；butastheserviceclosed，Isaidtomyself，\"Letthemlaugh，itistheiropportunity；
butatthedoorofthischurchtheyshallseeherstepintoourfinecarriagewithus，andourgaudycoachmanshalldriveherhome。\"
Thensherose——andallthecongregationstoodwhileshewalkeddowntheaisle。ShewastheEmpressofGermany!
No——shehadnotbeensomuchembarrassedasIhadsupposed。
Myimaginationhadgotstartedonthewrongscent，andthatisalwayshopeless；oneissure，then，togostraightonmisinterpretingeverything，clearthroughtotheend。
TheyoungladywithherimperialMajestywasamaidofhonor——andIhadbeentakingherforoneofherboarders，allthetime。
ThisistheonlytimeIhaveeverhadanEmpressundermypersonalprotection；andconsideringmyinexperience，IwonderIgotthroughwithitsowell。IshouldhavebeenalittleembarrassedmyselfifIhadknownearlierwhatsortofacontractIhadonmyhands。
WefoundthattheEmpresshadbeeninBaden-Badenseveraldays。ItissaidthatsheneverattendsanybuttheEnglishformofchurchservice。
Ilayabedandreadandrestedfrommyjourney\'sfatiguestheremainderofthatSunday，butIsentmyagenttorepresentmeattheafternoonservice，forIneverallowanythingtointerferewithmyhabitofattendingchurchtwiceeverySunday。
Therewasavastcrowdinthepublicgroundsthatnighttohearthebandplaythe\"Fremersberg。\"Thispiecetellsoneoftheoldlegendsoftheregion；howagreatnobleoftheMiddleAgesgotlostinthemountains，andwanderedaboutwithhisdogsinaviolentstorm，untilatlastthefainttonesofamonasterybell，callingthemonkstoamidnightservice，caughthisear，andhefollowedthedirectionthesoundscamefromandwassaved。
Abeautifulairranthroughthemusic，withoutceasing，sometimesloudandstrong，sometimessosoftthatitcouldhardlybedistinguished——butitwasalwaysthere；
itswunggrandlyalongthroughtheshrillwhistlingofthestorm-wind，therattlingpatteroftherain，andtheboomandcrashofthethunder；itwoundsoftandlowthroughthelessersounds，thedistantones，suchasthethrobbingoftheconventbell，themelodiouswindingofthehunter\'shorn，thedistressedbayingsofhisdogs，andthesolemnchantingofthemonks；
itroseagain，withajubilantring，andmingleditselfwiththecountrysongsanddancesofthepeasantsassembledintheconventhalltocheeruptherescuedhuntsmanwhileheatehissupper。Theinstrumentsimitatedallthesesoundswithamarvelousexactness。Morethanonemanstartedtoraisehisumbrellawhenthestormburstforthandthesheetsofmimicraincamedrivingby；
itwashardlypossibletokeepfromputtingyourhandtoyourhatwhenthefiercewindbegantorageandshriek；
anditwasNOTpossibletorefrainfromstartingwhenthosesuddenandcharminglyrealthunder-crasheswereletloose。
Isupposethe\"Fremersberg\"isaverylow-grademusic；
Iknow，indeed，thatitMUSTbelow-grademusic，becauseitdelightedme，warmedme，movedme，stirredme，upliftedme，enrapturedme，thatIwasfullofcryallthetime，andmadwithenthusiasm。MysoulhadneverhadsuchascouringoutsinceIwasborn。Thesolemnandmajesticchantingofthemonkswasnotdonebyinstruments，butbymen\'svoices；anditroseandfell，androseagaininthatrichconfusionofwarringsounds，andpulsingbells，andthestatelyswingofthatever-presentenchantingair，anditseemedtomethatnothingbuttheverylowestoflow-grademusicCOULDbesodivinelybeautiful。
Thegreatcrowdwhichthe\"Fremersberg\"hadcalledoutwasanotherevidencethatitwaslow-grademusic；foronlythefewareeducateduptoapointwherehigh-grademusicgivespleasure。Ihaveneverheardenoughclassicmusictobeabletoenjoyit。IdisliketheoperabecauseIwanttoloveitandcan\'t。
Isupposetherearetwokindsofmusic——onekindwhichonefeels，justasanoystermight，andanothersortwhichrequiresahigherfaculty，afacultywhichmustbeassistedanddevelopedbyteaching。Yetifbasemusicgivescertainofuswings，whyshouldwewantanyother?
Butwedo。Wewantitbecausethehigherandbetterlikeit。Wewantitwithoutgivingitthenecessarytimeandtrouble；soweclimbintothatuppertier，thatdress-circle，byalie；wePRETENDwelikeit。
Iknowseveralofthatsortofpeople——andIproposetobeoneofthemmyselfwhenIgethomewithmyfineEuropeaneducation。