contrasthimwiththoseofhissuccessorswhomIwastoknowlater!
ButIshallnotanticipate.Americangeniushadnotthenevolvedthefalseentrymethodofovercapitalization.Athrillinghistory,Mr.
Durrett\'s,couldIbuthaveenteredintoit.Ididnotreflectthenthatthissternoldmanmusthavethrobbedonce;nay,fireandenergystillremainedinhisbowels,elsehecouldnothavecontinuedtodominateacity.Nordiditoccurtomethatthegreatsteel-worksthatlightedthesouthernskyweretheresultofapassion,ofdreamssimilartothosepossessingme,butwhichIcouldnotexpress.Hehadfoundedafamilywhosepositionwasvirtuallyhereditary,gainedricheswhichforthosedaysweregreat,compelledmentospeakhisnamewithacertainawe.Butofwhatuseweresuchrichesashiswhenhisreligionandmoralitycompelledhimtobanishfromhimallthejoysinthepowerofrichestobring?
No,Ididn\'twanttobeaniron-master.ButitmayhavebeenaboutthistimethatIbegantobeimpressedwiththepowerofwealth,theadulationandreverenceitcommanded,theimportanceinwhichitclothedallwhosharedinit
TheprivateschoolIattendedinthecompanyofotherboyswithwhomI
wasbroughtupwascalledDensmoreAcademy,alarge,squarebuildingofathenhideousmodernity,builtofsmooth,orange-redbrickswiththreadsofblackmortarbetweenthem.Onereadsofhappyschooldays,yetIfailtorecallanyreallyhappyhoursspentthere,evenintheyard,whichwascoveredwithblackcindersthatcutyouwhenyoufell.Ithinkofitasapenitentiary,andthememoryofthebarredlowerwindowsgivessubstancetothisimpression.
IsupposeIlearnedsomethingduringthesevenyearsofmyincarceration.
Allofvalue,haditsteachersknownanythingofyouthfulpsychology,ofnaturalbent,couldhavebeenputintomeinthree.Atleastfourcriminallywastedyears,tosaynothingofthebenumbinganddesiccatingeffectofthatoldsystemofeducation!Chalkandchalk-dust!TheMediterraneanatintedportionofthemap,Italyaman\'sbootwhichI
drewpainfully,withmanyyawns;historynogloriousepicrevealingasitunrollstheMeaningofThings,norevelationofthatwondrousdistillationoftheSpiritofman,butanendlessmarchingandcounter-
marchingupanddownthemap,wearycolumnsoffigurestobelearnedbyroteinstantlytobeforgottenagain.\"OnJunethe7thGeneralSo-and-soproceededwithhiswholearmy——\"where?Whatdoesitmatter?OnelittlechapterofCarlyle,illuminatedbyateacherofunderstanding,wereworthamillionsuchtext-books.Alas,forthehatredofVirgil!\"Paret\"ashiver,\"beginattheonehundredandthirtiethlineandtranslate!\"I
canhearmyselfdroningoutindetestableEnglishameaninglessportionofthatendlessjourneyofthepiousAEneas;canseeGeneHollister,withheart-rendingglancesofdespair,stumblingthroughCorneliusNeposinanunventilatedroomwithchalk-rubbedblackboardsandheavyodoursofinkandstalelunch.AndIgraduatedfromDensmoreAcademy,thebestschoolinourcity,inthe80\'s,withouthavingbeentaughteventherudimentsofcitizenship.
Knowledgewaspresentedtousasacorpse,whichbitbybitwepainfullydissected.Weneverglimpsedtheliving,growingthing,neverexperiencedtheSpirit,thesamespiritthatwasablemagicallytowaftmefromawintryLymeStreettotheSouthSeas,theenergizing,electrifyingSpiritoftrueachievement,oflife,ofGodhimself.Littlebylittleitsflamesweresmothereduntilinmanhoodthereseemednosparkofitleftalive.Manyyearsweretopassereitwastoreviveagain,asbyamiracle.Itravelled.Awakeningatdawn,Isaw,framedinaport-hole,rose-redSeriphossetinalivingbluethatpaledthesapphire;theseasUlysseshadsailed,andthecompanyoftheArgonauts.
Mysoulwassteepedinunimaginedcolour,andinthememoryofonerapturousinstantisgatheredwhatIwassoontoseeofGreece,isfocussedthemeaningofhistory,poetryandart.IwastostandoneeveninginspringonthemoundwhereheroessleepandgazeupontheplainofMarathonbetweendarkeningmountainsandthebluethreadofthestraitpeacefulnow,flushedwithpinkandwhiteblossomsoffruitandalmondtrees;tositonthecliff-thronewhenceaPersianKinghadlookeddownuponaSalamisfoughtandlostInthatport-holeglimpseaThemistocleswasrevealed,aSocrates,aHomerandaPhidias,anAEschylus,andaPericles;yes,andaJohnbroodingRevelationsonhissea-girtrockastwilightfallsoverthewaters
IsawtheRomanEmpire,thatScarletWomanwhosesandsweredyedcrimsonwithbloodtoappeaseherharlotry,whoseshipswereladenwithtreasuresfromtheimmutableEast,grainfromthevalleyoftheNile,spicesfromArabia,preciouspurplestuffsfromTyre,tributeandspoil,slavesandjewelsfromconquerednationssheabsorbed;andyetwhoseveryemperorsweretheunconsciousinstrumentsofaProgresstheywotnotof,preservedtotheWestbyMarathonandSalamis.WithCaesar\'slegionsitsmessagewentforthacrossHispaniatothecliffsofthewildwesternocean,throughHercynianforeststotribesthatdweltwheregreatriversrolluptheirbarsbymisty,northernseas,andeventoCelticfastnessesbeyondtheWall
IV.
InandoutofmyearlymemorieslikeadancingrayofsunlightflitsthespiritofNancy.Iwasalwaysfondofher,butinextremeyouthI
acceptedherincensewithmasculinecomplacencyandtookherallegianceforgranted,neverseekingtofathomthenatureofthespellIexercisedoverher.Naturallyotherchildrenteasedmeabouther;butwhatwasworse,withthatcharminglackofself-consciousnessandconsiderationforwhatinafterlifearecalledthefinerfeelings,theyteasedheraboutmebeforeme,mypresencedeterringthemnotatall.IcanseethemhoppingaroundherinthePetersyardcryingout:——
\"Nancy\'sinlovewithHugh!Nancy\'sinlovewithHugh!\"
Asufficientlythrillingpastime,this,forNancycouldtakecareofherself.Iwasabunglerbesideherwhenitcametoretaliation,andnottheleastofherattractionsformewashercapacityforanger:furywouldbeabetterterm.Shewouldflyatthem——evenassheflewatthehead-hunterswhenthePetrelwasmenaced;andshecouldrunlikeadeer.
Woetotheunfortunatevictimsheovertook!Masculinestrength,exercisedapologetically,availedbutlittle,andIhaveseenRussellPetersandGeneHollisterretirefromsuchencountershumiliatedandweeping.ShenevercaughtRalph;hismethodsoftortureweremoreintelligentandsubtlethanGene\'sandRussell\'s,butshewashisequalwhenitcametoaquestionoftongues.
\"Iknowwhat\'sthematterwithyou,RalphHambleton,\"shewouldsay.
\"You\'rejealous.\"Anaccusationthatinvariablyputhimonthedefensive.\"Youthinkallthegirlsareinlovewithyou,don\'tyou?\"
ThesescenesIfoundsomewhatembarrassing.NotsoNancy.Afterdiscomfitinghertormenters,orwoundingandscatteringthem,shewouldreturntomysideInspiteofherfranklyexpressedpreferenceformeshehadanelusivenessthatmadeacontinualappealtomyimagination.
Shewasneverobviousorcommonplace,andlongbeforeIbegantoexperiencethediscomfortsandsufferingsofyouthfulloveIwasfascinatedbyanatureeloquentwithcontradictionsandinconsistencies.
Shewasatomboy,yetherownsexwasenhancedratherthanoverwhelmedbycontactwiththeother:andnomatterhowmanytreessheclimbedsheneverseemedtoloseherdaintiness.Itwasinnate.
Shecould,attimes,besurprisinglydemure.Theseimpressionsofherdaintinessanddemurenessareparticularlyvividinapicturemymemoryhasretainedofourwalkingtogether,unattended,toSusanBlackwood\'sbirthdayparty.Shemusthavebeenabouttwelveyearsold.ItwasthefirsttimeIhadescortedheroranyothergirltoaparty;Mrs.Willetthadsmiledovertheproceeding,butNancyandItookitmostseriously,assymbolicofthingstocome.IcanseePowellStreet,whereNancylived,atfouro\'clockonamildandcloudyDecemberafternoon,thedecorous,retiringhouses,NancyononesideofthepavementbytheironfencesandIontheotherbythetreeboxes.Ican\'trememberherdress,onlytheexquisitesenseofherslimnessanddaintinesscomesbacktome,ofherdarkhairinalongbraidtiedwitharedribbon,ofherslenderlegscladinblackstockingsofshiningsilk.Wefelttheoccasiontobesomehowtoosignificant,tooeloquentforwords
InsilenceweclimbedtheflightofstonestepsthatleduptotheBlackwoodmansion,whensuddenlythedoorwasopened,lettingoutsoundsofmusicandrevelry.Mr.Blackwood\'scolouredbutler,Ned,beamedatushospitably,invitingustoenterthebrightnesswithin.Theshadesweredrawn,thecarpetswerecoveredwithfestalcanvas,thefoldingdoorsbetweenthesquareroomswereflungback,theprismsofthebigchandeliersflungtheirlightoveranimatedgroupsofmatronsandchildren.Mrs.Watling,themotheroftheWatlingtwins——tooyoungtobepresentwasdirectingwithvivacitythegameof\"KingWilliamwasKingJames\'sson,\"andMrs.McAlerywasplayingthepiano.
NowchooseyouEast,nowchooseyouWest,Nowchoosetheoneyoulovethebest!\"
TomPeters,inavelvetsuitandconsequentlyverymiserable,refusedtoembraceEthelHollister;whilethescornfulJulialurkedinacorner:
nothingwouldinducehertoentersuchafoolishgame.IexperiencedanoveldiscomfiturewhenRalphkissedNancyAfterwardscamethefeast,fromwhichHamDurrett,inapinkpapercapwithstreamers,wasatlengthforciblyremovedbyhismother.Thusearlydidhebetrayhisloveforthefleshpots
ItwasnotuntilIwassixteenthataplayercameandtouchedthekeysofmysoul,anditawoke,bewildered,atthesefirsttendernotes.Themusicquickened,trippinginecstasy,tochangebysubtlephrasesintothemesofexquisitesufferinghithertounexperienced.IknewthatI
lovedNancy.
Withtheadventoflongerdressesthatreachedtohershoetopsachangehadcomeoverher.Thetomboy,thewillingcamp-followerwholovedmeandwasunashamed,weregoneforever,andamysterious,transfiguredbeing,neithergirlnorwoman,hadmagicallybeenevolved.Coulditbepossiblethatshelovedmestill?Mycomplacencyhadvanished;suddenlyIhadbecometheaggressor,ifonlyIhadknownhowto\"aggress\";butinherpresenceIwasseizedbyanaccursedshynessthatparalyzedmytongue,andthethingsIhadplannedtosaywereleftunuttered.Itwassomething——thoughIdidnotrealizeit——tobeabletofeellikethat.
ThetimecamewhenIcouldnolongerkeepthisthingtomyself.Theneedofanoutlet,ofaconfidant,becameimperative,andIsoughtoutTomPeters.ItwasinFebruary;IrememberbecauseIhadventured——withincredibledaring——tosendNancyanelaborate,rosyValentine;writtenonthebackofitinahandwritingalltoothinlydisguisedwasthefollowingverse,thetriumphantresultofmuchhardthinkinginschoolhours:——
ShouldyouofthisthesenderguessWithoutanothersign,Wouldyourepent,andrestcontentTobehisValentineIgrewhotandcoldbyturnswhenIthoughtofitspossibleeffectsonmychances.
Oneofthoseuseless,slushyafternoons,ItookTomforawalkthatledus,asduskcameon,pastNancy\'shouse.OnlybypainfuldegreesdidI
succeedinovercomingmybashfulness;butTom,whenatlastIhadblurtedoutthesecret,wasmostsympathetic,althoughtheailmentfromwhichI
sufferedwasasyetoutsideoftherealmofhisexperience.Ihaveusedtheword\"ailment\"advisedly,sinceheevidentlyputmytroubleinthesamecategorywithdiphtheriaorscarletfever,remarkingthatitwas\"darnedhardluck.\"InvainIsoughttoexplainthatIdidnotregarditassuchintheleast;therewassuffering,Iadmitted,butadegreeofblissnonecouldcomprehendwhohadnotfeltit.Herefusedtobeenvious,oratleasttobetrayenvy;yethewascurious,askingmanyquestions,andIhadreasontothinkbeforewepartedthathisadmirationformewasincreased.Wasitpossiblethathe,too,didn\'tloveNancy?
No,itwasfunny,buthedidn\'t.Hefailedtoseemuchingirls:histoneremainedcommiserating,yethebegantotakeaninterestintheprogressofmysuit.
ForatimeIhadnoprogresstoreport.OutofconsiderationforthosemembersofourweeklydancingclasswhoseparentswereEpiscopaliansthemeetingswerediscontinuedduringLent,andtocallwouldhavedemandedacouragenotinme;IshouldhavebecomeanobjectofridiculeamongmyfriendsandIwouldhavediedratherthanfaceNancy\'smotherandthemembersofherhousehold.Isetaboutmakingingeniousplanswithaviewtoencountersthatmightappearcasual.Nancy\'sschoolwasdismissedattwo,sowasmine.BywalkingfastIcouldreachSalisburyStreet,nearSt.Mary\'sSeminaryforYoungLadies,intimetocatchher,buteventhenformanydaysIwasdoomedtodisappointment.Shewaseitherincompanywithothergirls,orelseshehadtakenanotherroute;thisIsurmisedledpastSophyMcAlery\'shouse,andIenlistedTomasaconfederate.HewastomakestraightfortheMcAlery\'sonElmwhileIfollowedPowell,twoshortblocksaway,andifNancywenttoSophy\'sandlefttherealonehewastoannouncethefactbyapreconcertedsignal.Throughlongandpersistentpracticehehadacquiredawhistleshrillenoughtowakethedead,accomplishedbyplacingafingerofeachhandbetweenhisteeth;——agiftthatwastheenvyofhisacquaintances,andthesubjectofmuchdiscussionastowhetherhisteethwerepeculiar.Tominsistedthattheywere;itwasanaddeddistinction.
OnthisoccasionhecameupbehindNancyasshewasleavingSophy\'sgateandimmediatelysoundedthealarm.Sheleapedintheair,droppedherschool-booksandwhirledonhim.
\"TomPeters!Howdareyoufrightenmeso!\"shecried.
Tomregardedherinsuddendismay.
\"I——Ididn\'tmeanto,\"hesaid.\"Ididn\'tthinkyouweresonear.\"
\"Butyoumusthaveseenme.\"
\"Iwasn\'tpayingmuchattention,\"heequivocated,——aremarknotcalculatedtoappeaseheranger.
\"Whywereyoudoingit?\"
\"Iwasjustpractising,\"saidTom.
\"Practising!\"exclaimedNancy,scornfully.\"Ishouldn\'tthinkyouneededtopractisethatanymore.\"
\"Oh,I\'vedoneitlouder,\"hedeclared,\"Listen!\"
Sheseizedhishands,snatchingthemawayfromhislips.AtthiscriticalmomentIappearedaroundthecornerconsiderablyoutofbreath,myheartbeatinglikeawatchman\'srattle.Itriedtofeignnonchalance.
\"Hello,Tom,\"Isaid.\"Hello,Nancy.What\'sthematter?\"
\"It\'sTom——hefrightenedmeoutofmysenses.\"Droppinghiswrists,shegavemeamostdisconcertinglook;therewasinitthesuspicionofasmile.\"Whatareyoudoinghere,Hugh?\"
\"IheardTom,\"Iexplained.
\"Ishouldthinkyoumighthave.Wherewereyou?\"
\"Overinanotherstreet,\"Ianswered,withdeliberatevagueness.Nancyhadsuddenlybecomedemure.Ididnotdarelookather,butIhadamostuncomfortablenotionthatshesuspectedtheplot.Meanwhilewehadbeguntowalkalong,allthreeofus,Tom,obviouslyillateaseanddiscomfited,laggingalittlebehind.JustbeforewereachedthecornerImanagedtokickhim.Hisdeparturewasbynomeansgraceful.
\"I\'vegottogo;\"heannouncedabruptly,andturneddownthesidestreet.
Wewatchedhissturdyfigureasitreceded.
\"Well,ofallqueerboys!\"saidNancy,andwewalkedonagain.
\"He\'smybestfriend,\"Irepliedwarmly.
\"Hedoesn\'tseemtocaremuchforyourcompany,\"saidNancy.
\"Oh,theyhavedinnerathalfpasttwo,\"Iexplained.
\"Aren\'tyouafraidofmissingyours,Hugh?\"sheaskedwickedly.
\"I\'vegottime.I\'d——I\'dratherbewithyou.\"AftermakingwhichaudaciousremarkIwasseizedbyaspasmofapprehension.Butnothinghappened.Nancyremaineddemure.Shedidn\'tremindmethatIhadreflecteduponTom.
\"That\'sniceofyou,Hugh.\"
\"Oh,I\'mnotsayingitbecauseit\'snice,\"Ifaltered.\"I\'dratherbewithyouthan——withanybody.\"
Thiswasindeedtheacmeofdaring.Icouldn\'tbelieveIhadactuallysaidit.ButagainIreceivednorebuke;insteadcamearemarkthatsetmepalpitating,thatItreasuredformanyweekstocome.
\"Igotaverynicevalentine,\"sheinformedme.
\"Whatwasitlike?\"Iaskedthickly.
\"Oh,beautiful!Allpinklaceand——andCupids,andthepictureofayoungmanandayoungwomaninagarden.\"
\"Wasthatall?\"
\"Oh,no,therewasaverse,intheoddesthandwriting.Iwonderwhosentit?\"
\"PerhapsRalph,\"Ihazardedecstatically.