\"Ralphcouldn\'twritepoetry,\"shereplieddisdainfully.\"Besides,itwasverygoodpoetry.\"
Isuggestedotherpossibleauthorsandadmirers.Sherejectedthemall.
Wereachedhergate,andIlingered.Asshelookeddownatmefromthestonestepshereyesshonewithasoftlightthatfilledmewithradiance,andintohervoicehadcomeaquestioning,shynotethatthrilledthemorebecauseitrevealedanewNancyofwhomIhadnotdreamed.
\"PerhapsI\'llmeetyouagain——comingfromschool,\"Isaid.
\"Perhaps,\"sheanswered.\"You\'llbelatetodinner,Hugh,ifyoudon\'tgo\"
Iwaslate,andunabletoeatmuchdinner,somewhattomymother\'salarm.
LovehadtakenawaymyappetiteAfterdinner,whenIwaswanderingaimlesslyabouttheyard,Tomappearedontheothersideofthefence.
\"Don\'teveraskmetodothatagain,\"hesaidgloomily.
IdidmeetNancyagaincomingfromschool,noteveryday,butnearlyeveryday.Atfirstwepretendedthattherewasnoarrangementinthis,andwebothfeignedsurprisewhenweencounteredoneanother.ItwasNancywhopossessedthecouragethatIlacked.Oneafternoonshesaid:——
\"IthinkI\'dbetterwalkwiththegirlsto-morrow,Hugh.\"
Iprotested,butshewasfirm.AndafterthatitwasanunderstoodthingthatoncertaindaysIshouldgodirectlyhome,feelinglikeanexile.
SophyMcAleryhadbeguntocomplain:andIgatheredthatSophywasNancy\'sconfidante.Theothergirlshadbeguntogossip.ItwasNancywhoconceivedthebrilliantidea——themoredelightfulbecauseshesaidnothingaboutittome——ofmakinguseofSophy.ShewouldleaveschoolwithSophy,andIwaitedonthecornerneartheMcAleryhouse.PoorSophy!Shewasalwaysofthosewhopipedwhileothersdanced.Inthosedaysshehadtwostraw-colouredpigtails,andherplain,faithfulfaceisbeforemeasIwrite.Sheneverbetrayedtometheexcitementthatfilledheratbeingtheaccompliceofourromance.
Gossipraged,ofcourse.Farfrombeingdisturbed,weusedit,sotospeak,asahandleforourlove-making,whichwascarriedoninaninferentialratherthanadirectfashion.Weretheysayingthatwewerelovers?Delightful!WelaughedatoneanotherinthesunshineAtlastweachievedthegreatadventureofaclandestinemeetingandwentforawalkintheafternoon,avoidingthehousesofourfriends.I\'veforgottenwhichofushadtheboldnesstoproposeit.Thecrocusesandtulipshadbrokentheblackmould,theflowerbedsinthefrontyardswerebeginningtoblazewithscarletandyellow,thelawnshadturnedalivinggreen.Whatdidwetalkabout?Thesubstancehasvanished,onlytheflavourremains.
Oneawokeofamorningtothetwitteringofbirds,towalktoschoolamidstdelicate,lace-likeshadowsofgreattreesacloudwitholdgold:
thebudslaycurledliketinyfeathersonthepavements.Suddenlytheshadewasdense,thesunlightwhiteandglaring,theodouroflilacsheavyintheair,springinallitsfulnesshadcome,——springandNancy.
Justsosubtly,yetwiththesameseemingsuddennesshadbuddedandcometoleafandfloweraperfectunderstanding,whichneverthelessremainedundefined.This,Ihadnodoubt,wasmyfault,andduetotheincomprehensibleshynessherpresencecontinuedtoinspire.Althoughwedidnotaltogetherabandonoursecrettrysts,webegantomeetinmorenaturalways;thereweregardenpartiesandpicnicswherewestrayedtogetherthroughthewoodsandfields,pausingtotearoff,onebyone,thepetalsofadaisy,\"Shelovesme,shelovesmenot.\"Ineverventuredtokissher;IalwaysthoughtafterwardsImighthavedoneso,shehadseemedsowilling,hereyeshadshonesoexpectantlyasIsatbesideheronthegrass;norcanItellwhyIdesiredtokisshersavethatthiswasthetraditionalthingtodototheladyoneloved.Tobesure,theverytouchofherhandwasgalvanic.Paradoxically,Isawthehumansideofher,theyieldinggentlenessthatalwaysamazedme,yetI
neverovercamemyaweofthedivine;shewasabeingsacrosanct.WhetherthisidealismwereinnateortheresultofsuchromancesasIhadreadI
cannotsayIgot,indeed,anavowalofasort.Theweeklydancingclasseshavingbegunagain,ononeoccasionwhenshehadwaltzedtwicewithGeneHollisterIprotested.
\"Don\'tbesilly,Hugh,\"shewhispered.\"OfcourseIlikeyoubetterthananyoneelse——yououghttoknowthat.\"
Wenevergottotheword\"love,\"butweknewthefeeling.
Onecloudaloneflungitsshadowacrosstheseidyllicdays.BeforeIwasfullyawareofitIhaddrawnveryneartothefirstgreatjunction-pointofmylife,mygraduationfromDensmoreAcademy.Wewereto\"changecars,\"inthelanguageofPrincipalHaime.Wellenoughforthefortunateoneswhoweretocontinuetheacademicjourney,whichimpliedapostponementoftheseriousbusinessoflife;butmonthaftermonthofthelasttermhadpassedwithoutahintfrommyfatherthatIwastochangecars.AgainandagainIalmostsucceededinscrewingupmycouragetothepointofmentioningcollegetohim,——neverquite;hismanner,thoughkindandcalm,somehowstrengthenedmysuspicionthatI
hadbeenjudgedandfoundwanting,anddoomedto\"business\":galleyslavery,Ideemedit,humdrum,prosaic,degrading!WhenIthoughtofitatnightIexperiencedalmostafrenzyofself-pity.Myfathercouldn\'tintendtodothat,justbecausemymonthlyreportshadn\'talwaysbeenwhathethoughttheyoughttobe!GeneHollister\'swerenobetter,ifasgood,andhewasgoingtoPrinceton.WasI,HughParet,tobedeniedthedistinctionofbeingacollegeman,thedelightsofuniversityexistence,cruellyseparatedandsetapartfrommyfriendswhomIloved!helduptotheworldandespeciallytoNancyWillettasgoodfornothingelse!Thethoughtwasunbearable.Characteristically,Ihopedagainsthope.
Ihavementionedgardenparties.OneofourannualinstitutionswasMrs.
Willett\'schildren\'spartyinMay;fortheWilletthousehadagardenthatcoveredalmostaquarterofablock.Mrs.Willettlovedchildren,thegreatestregretofherlifebeingthatprovidencehaddeniedheralargefamily.Asfarbackasmymemorygoesshehadbeensomethingofaninvalid;shehadasweet,sadface,anddelicatehandssothinastoseemalmosttransparent;andshealwayssatinachairunderthegreattreeonthelawn,smilingatusaswesoaredtodizzyheightsintheswing,orplayedcroquet,orscurriedthroughthepaths,andinandoutofthelatticedsummer-housewithshrieksoflaughterandterror.Itallendedwithafeastatalongtablemadeofsawhorsesandboardscoveredwithawhitecloth,andwhenthecakewascuttherewaswildexcitementastowhowouldgettheringandwhothethimble.
Weweremoredecorous,orrathermoreawkwardnow,andthepartybeganwithaformalperiodwhentheboysgatheredinagroupandpretendedindifferencetothegirls.Thegirlswereclevereratit,andactuallyachievedtheimpressionthattheywereindifferent.Wekeptaneyeonthem,uneasily,whilewetalked.TobeinNancy\'spresenceandnotalonewithNancywasagonizing,andIwonderedatasang-froidbeyondmypowertoachieve,accusedherofcoldness,mysufferingsbeingthegreaterbecausesheseemedmorebeautiful,daintier,moreirreproachablethanI
hadeverseenher.Evenatthatearlyageshegaveevidenceofthesocialgift,anditwasduetohereffortsthatweforgotourbestclothesandournewlybornself-consciousness.WhenIbeggedhertoslipawaywithmeamongthecurrantbushesshewhispered:——
\"Ican\'t,Hugh.I\'mthehostess,youknow.\"
Ihadgonethereinaflutterofanticipation,butnothingwentrightthatday.Therewasdancinginthebigroomsthatlookedoutonthegarden;theonlygirlwithwhomIcaredtodancewasNancy,andshewasbusyfindingpartnersforthebackwardmembersofbothsexes;thoughshewasmypartner,tobesure,whenitallwoundupwithaVirginiareelonthelawn.Then,atsupper,tocaptheclimaxofuntowardincidents,ananimateddiscussionwasbegunastotherelativemeritsofthevariouscolleges,thegirls,too,takingsides.MacWillett,Nancy\'scousin,wasgoingtoYale,GeneHollistertoPrinceton,theEwanboystoourStateUniversity,whilePerryBlackwoodandRalphHambletonandHamDurrettweredestinedforHarvard;TomPeters,also,thoughhewasnottograduatefromtheAcademyforanotheryear.ImighthaveknownthatRalphwouldhavesuspectedmymisery.HesattriumphantlynexttoNancyherself,whileIhadbeentoldofftoentertainthefaithfulSophy.
Noticingmysilence,hedemandedwickedly:——
\"Whereareyougoing,Hugh?\"
\"Harvard,Ithink,\"IansweredwithasboldafrontasIcouldmuster.
\"Ihaven\'ttalkeditoverwithmyfatheryet.\"ItwasintolerabletoadmitthatIofthemallwastobeleftbehind.
Nancylookedatmeinsurprise.Shewasalwaysdownright.
\"Oh,Hugh,doesn\'tyourfathermeantoputyouinbusiness?\"sheexclaimed.
Ahotflushspreadovermyface.EventoherIhadnotbetrayedmyapprehensionsonthispainfulsubject.Perhapsitwasbecauseofthisveryreason,knowingmeasshedid,thatshehaddivinedmyfate.Couldmyfatherhavespokenofittoanyone?
\"NotthatIknowof,\"Isaidangrily.Iwonderedifsheknewhowdeeplyshehadhurtme.Theotherslaughed.ThecolourroseinNancy\'scheeks,andshegavemeanappealing,almosttearfullook,butmyhearthadhardened.AssoonassupperwasoverIleftthetabletowander,nursingmywrongs,inafarcornerofthegarden,gayshoutsandlaughterstillechoinginmyears.Iwasnegligible,evenmypatheticsubterfugehadbeendetectedandcruellyridiculedbythesefriendswhomIhadalwayslovedandsoughtout,andwhonowweresoabsorbedintheirownprospectsandhappinessthattheycarednothingformine.AndNancy!IhadbeenbetrayedbyNancy!Twilightwascomingon.IrememberglancingdownmiserablyatthenewbluesuitIhadputonsohopefullyforthefirsttimethatafternoon.
Separatingthegardenfromthestreetwasahigh,smoothboardfencewithalittlegateinit,andIhadmyhandonthelatchwhenIheardthesoundofhurryingstepsonthegravelpathandafamiliarvoicecallingmyname.
\"Hugh!Hugh!\"
Iturned.Nancystoodbeforeme.
\"Hugh,you\'renotgoing!\"
\"Yes,Iam.\"
\"Why?\"
\"Ifyoudon\'tknow,there\'snousetellingyou.\"
\"JustbecauseIsaidyourfatherintendedtoputyouinbusiness!Oh,Hugh,whyareyousofoolishandsoproud?Doyousupposethatanyone——
thatI——thinkanytheworseofyou?\"
Yes,shehadreadme,shealonehadenteredintothesourceofthatprevarication,thecomplexfeelingsfromwhichitsprang.ButatthatmomentIcouldnotforgiveherforhumiliatingme.Ihuggedmygrievance.
\"Itwastrue,whatIsaid,\"Ideclaredhotly.\"Myfatherhasnotspoken.
ItistruethatI\'mgoingtocollege,becauseI\'llmakeittrue.Imaynotgothisyear.\"
Shestoodstaringinsheersurpriseatsightofmysudden,quiveringpassion.Ithinktheveryintensityofitfrightenedher.Andthen,withoutmoreado,Iopenedthegateandwasgone
Thatnight,thoughIdidnotrealizeit,myjourneyintoaFarCountrywasbegun.
Themiserythatfollowedthisincidenthadonecompensatingfactor.
AlthoughtoolatetoelectrifyDensmoreandPrincipalHaimewithmyscholarship,Iwasdeterminedtogotocollegenow,somehow,sometime.I
wouldshowmyfather,thesecompanionsofmine,andaboveallNancyherselfthestuffofwhichIwasmade,compelthemsoonerorlatertoadmitthattheyhadmisjudgedme.Ihadbeenpossessedbysimilarresolutionsbefore,thoughnonesostrong,andtheyhadawayofsinkingbelowthesurfaceofmyconsciousness,onlytoriseagainandagainuntilbysheerpressuretheyachievedrealization.
YetImighthavereturnedtoNancyifsomethinghadnotoccurredwhichI
wouldhavethoughtunbelievable:shebegantoshowamarkedpreferenceforRalphHambleton.AtfirstIregardedthisaffairasthemostobviousofretaliations.She,likewise,hadpride.Gradually,however,afeelingofuneasinesscreptoverme:aspretence,herperformancewasaltogethertoorealistic;shethrewherwholesoulintoit,dancedwithRalphasoftenasshehadeverdancedwithme,tookwalkswithhim,deferredtohisopinionsuntil,inspiteofmyself,Ibecameconvincedthatthepreferencewasgenuine.Iwasacuriousmixtureofself-
confidenceandself-depreciation,andneverhadhissuperiorityseemedmorepatentthannow.Hisairofsatisfactionwasmaddening.
HowwellIrememberhistriumphonthathot,JunemorningofourgraduationfromDensmore,atriumphhehadapparentlyachievedwithoutlabour,andwhichheseemedtodespise.Afitfulbreezeblewthroughthechapelatthetopofthebuilding;we,thegraduates,satintworowsnexttotheplatform,andbehindusthewoodenbenchesnickedbymanyknives——werefilledwithsistersandmothersandfathers,someanxious,someproudandsomesad.Sobriefaspan,likethatsummer\'sday,andyouthwasgone!Wouldthetimecomewhenwe,too,shouldsitbythewatersofBabylonandsighforit?Theworldwasupsidedown.
Wereadtheonehundredandthirdpsalm.ThenPrincipalHaime,inhislong\"PrinceAlbert\"andaridiculouslyinadequatecollarthatemphasizedhisscrawnyneck,remindedusofthesacredassociationswehadformed,ofthepeculiarresponsibilitiesthatrestedonus,whoweretheprivilegedofthecity.\"Wehadcrossedto-day,\"hesaid,\"aninvisiblethreshold.Someweretogoontohigherinstitutionsoflearning.
Others\"Igulped.QuotingtheScriptures,hecomplimentedthosewhohadmadethemostoftheiropportunities.Anditwasthenthathecalledout,impressively,thenameofRalphForresterHambleton.Summacumlaude!SuddenlyIwasseizedwithpassionate,vehementregretsatthesoundoftheapplause.Imighthavebeentheprizescholar,insteadofRalph,ifIhadonlyworked,ifIhadonlyrealizedwhatthisfocussingdayofgraduationmeant!Imighthavebeenamarkedindividual,withpeoplemurmuringwordsofadmiration,ofspeculationconcerningthebrilliancyofmyfuture!WhenatlastmynamewascalledandIrosetoreceivemydiplomaitseemedasthoughmyincompetencyhadbeenproclaimedtotheworld
ThateveningIstoodinthenarrowgalleryoftheflag-deckedgymnasiumandwatchedNancydancingwithRalph.
Ilethergowithoutprotestorreproach.Amysteriouslesionseemedtohavetakenplace,Ifeltastonishedandrelieved,yetIwasheavywithsadness.Myemancipationhadbeenboughtataprice.Somethinghithertospontaneous,warmandlivingwaswitheringwithinme.
V.
Itwastruetomyfather\'scharacterthatheshouldhavewaiteduntilthedayaftergraduationtodiscussmyfuture,ifdiscussionbetheproperword.Thenexteveningatsupperheinformedmethathewishedtotalktomeinthesitting-room,whitherIfollowedhimwithasinkingheart.
Heseatedhimselfathisdesk,andsatforamomentgazingatmewithacuriousandbenumbingexpression,andthentheblowfell.
\"Hugh,IhavespokentoyourCousinRobertBreckaboutyou,andhehaskindlyconsentedtogiveyouatrial.\"
\"Togivemeatrial,sir!\"Iexclaimed.
\"Toemployyouatasmallbutreasonablesalary.\"
Icouldfindnowordstoexpressmydismay.Mydreamshadcometothis,thatIwastobemadeaclerkinagrocerystore!Thefactthatitwasawholesalegrocerystorewaslittleconsolation.
\"Butfather,\"Ifaltered,\"Idon\'twanttogointobusiness.\"
\"Ah!\"Thesharpnessoftheexclamationmighthavebetrayedtomethepaininwhichhewas,butherecoveredhimselfinstantly.AndIcouldseenothingbutaninexorablejusticeclosinginonmemechanically;ablindjustice,initsinabilitytoreadmysoul.\"Thetimetohavedecidedthat,\"hedeclared,\"wassomeyearsago,myson.Ihavegivenyouthebestschoolingaboycanhave,andyouhavenotshowntheleastappreciationofyouradvantages.Idonotenjoysayingthis,Hugh,butinspiteofallmyeffortsandofthoseofyourmother,youhaveremainedundevelopedandirresponsible.Myhope,asyouknow,wastohavemadeyouaprofessionalman,alawyer,andtotakeyouintomyoffice.Myfatherandgrandfatherwereprofessionalmenbeforeme.Butyouarewhollylackinginambition.\"
AndIhadburnedwithitallmylife!
\"Ihaveambition,\"Icried,thetearsforcingthemselvestomyeyes.
\"Ambition——forwhat,myson?\"
Ihesitated.HowcouldItellhimthatmylongingstodosomething,tobesomebodyintheworldwerenevermorekeenthanatthatmoment?
MatthewArnoldhadnotthenwrittenhisdefinitionofGodasthestreamoftendencybywhichwefulfilthelawsofourbeing;andmyfather,atanyrate,wouldnothaveacquiescedinthedefinition.DimlybutpassionatelyIfeltthen,asIhadalwaysfelt,thatIhadamissiontoperform,aservicetodowhichultimatelywouldberevealedtome.Butthehopelessnessofexplainingthistookon,now,theproportionsofatragedy.AndIcouldonlygazeathim.
\"Whatkindofambition,Hugh?\"herepeatedsadly.
\"I——IhavesometimesthoughtIcouldwrite,sir,ifIhadachance.I
likeitbetterthananythingelse.I——Ihavetriedit.AndifIcouldonlygotocollege——\"
\"Literature!\"Therewasinhisvoiceascandalizednote.
\"Whynot,father?\"Iaskedweakly.
Andnowitwashewho,forthefirsttime,seemedtobeatalosstoexpresshimself.Heturnedinhischair,andwithasweepofthehandindicatedthelongrowsofmusty-backedvolumes.\"Here,\"hesaid,\"youhavehadatyourdisposalaswell-assortedasmalllibraryasthecitycontains,andyouhavenotavailedyourselfofit.Yetyoutalktomeofliteratureasaprofession.Iamafraid,Hugh,thatthisismerelyanotherindicationofyourdesiretoshunhardwork,andImusttellyoufranklythatIfailtoseeinyoutheleastqualificationforsuchacareer.Youhavenoteveninheritedmytasteforbooks.Iventuretosay,forinstance,thatyouhaveneverevenreadaparagraphofPlutarch,andyetwhenIwasyourageIwascompletelyfamiliarwiththeLives.
YouwillnotreadScottorDickens.\"
Theimpeachmentwasnottobedenied,fortheclassicswerehatefultome.NaturallyIwasafraidtomakesuchadamningadmission.Myfatherhadsucceededinpresentingmyambitionastheheightofabsurdityandpresumption,andwithsomethingofthedespairofashipwreckedmarinermyeyesrestedonthegreenexpansesofthosebook-backs,Bohn\'sStandardLibrary!Nordiditoccurtohimortomethatonemightbegreatinliteraturewithouthavingreadsomuchasagrittypageofthem
Hefinishedhisargumentbyremindingmethatworthlesspersonssoughttoentertheartsinthesearchforafool\'sparadise,andinordertosatisfyareprehensiblecravingfornotoriety.Theimplicationwasclear,thatimaginativeproductioncouldnotbeclassedashardwork.
Andheassuredmethatliteraturewasaprofessioninwhichnoonecouldaffordtobesecondclass.ALongfellow,aHarrietBeecherStowe,ornothing.Thiswasapracticalageandapracticalcountry.WehadindeedproducedIrvingsandHawthornes,butthefutureofAmericanletterswas,tosaytheleast,problematical.Wewereautilitarianpeoplewhowouldnevercreateagreatliterature,andheremindedmethatthedaysoftheromanticandthepicturesquehadpassed.HegatheredthatIdesiredtobeanovelist.Well,novelists,withcertainexceptions,werefantasticfellowswhoblewiridescentsoap-bubblesandwhohadnomorals.InthefaceofsuchaphilosophyashisIwasmute.
Theworldappearedadrearyplaceofmustyofficesandsmokysteel-works,ofcoaldust,oflabourwithoutasparkofinspiration.Andthatother,theworldofmydreams,simplydidnotexist.
IncidentallymyfatherhadcondemnedCousinRobert\'swholesalegrocerybusinessasarefugeofthelesserofintellectthatcouldnotachievetheprofessions,——aninferencenotcalculatedtostirmyambitionandlikingforitatthestart.
IbeganmybusinesscareeronthefollowingMondaymorning.Atbreakfast,heldearlierthanusualonmyaccount,mymother\'ssympathywasthemoreeloquentforbeingunspoken,whilemyfatherworeanairofunwontedcheerfulness;chargingme,whenIdeparted,togivehiskindestremembrancestomyCousinRobertBreck.WithasenseofmartyrdomsomehowdeepenedbythisattitudeofmyparentsIboardedahorse-carandwentdowntown.Earlythoughitwas,thenarrowstreetsofthewholesaledistrictreverberatedwiththerattleoftrucksandechoedwiththeshoutsofdrivers.Thedaypromisedtobescorching.AtthedoorofthewarehouseofBreckandCompanyIwasgreetedbytheineffablesmellofgroceriesinwhichthesuggestionofparchedcoffeeprevailed.Thisisthesharpestremembranceofall,andevento-daythatodouraffectsmesomewhatinthemannerthattheinteriorofashipaffectsapersonpronetoseasickness.MyCousinRobert,inhiswell-wornalpacacoat,wasalreadyseatedathisdeskbehindthecloudedglasspartitionnextthealleyatthebackofthestore,andasIenteredhegazedatmeoverhissteel-rimmedspectacleswiththatsamedisturbinglookofclairvoyanceI
havealreadymentionedasoneofhischaracteristics.Thegreyeyeswerequizzical,andyetseemedtoexpressalittlecommiseration.
\"Well,Hugh,you\'vedecidedtohonourus,haveyou?\"heasked.