Mr.WestonhadaccompaniedhertoMrs.Bates\'s,andgonethroughhisshareofthisessentialattentionmosthandsomely;butshehavingtheninducedMissFairfaxtojoinherinanairing,wasnowreturnedwithmuchmoretosay,andmuchmoretosaywithsatisfaction,thanaquarterofanhourspentinMrs.Bates\'sparlour,withalltheencumbranceofawkwardfeelings,couldhaveafforded.
AlittlecuriosityEmmahad;andshemadethemostofitwhileherfriendrelated.Mrs.Westonhadsetofftopaythevisitinagooddealofagitationherself;andinthefirstplacehadwishednottogoatallatpresent,tobeallowedmerelytowritetoMissFairfaxinstead,andtodeferthisceremoniouscalltillalittletimehadpassed,andMr.Churchillcouldbereconciledtotheengagement\'sbecomingknown;as,consideringeverything,shethoughtsuchavisitcouldnotbepaidwithoutleadingtoreports:-butMr.Westonhadthoughtdifferently;hewasextremelyanxioustoshewhisapprobationtoMissFairfaxandherfamily,anddidnotconceivethatanysuspicioncouldbeexcitedbyit;orifitwere,thatitwouldbeofanyconsequence;for`suchthings,\'heobserved,`alwaysgotabout.\'Emmasmiled,andfeltthatMr.Westonhadverygoodreasonforsayingso.Theyhadgone,inshort-andverygreathadbeentheevidentdistressandconfusionofthelady.Shehadhardlybeenabletospeakaword,andeverylookandactionhadshewnhowdeeplyshewassufferingfromconsciousness.Thequiet,heart-feltsatisfactionoftheoldlady,andtherapturousdelightofherdaughter-whoprovedeventoojoyoustotalkasusual,hadbeenagratifying,yetalmostanaffecting,scene.Theywerebothsotrulyrespectableintheirhappiness,sodisinterestedineverysensation;thoughtsomuchofJane;somuchofeverybody,andsolittleofthemselves,thateverykindlyfeelingwasatworkforthem.MissFairfax\'srecentillnesshadofferedafairpleaforMrs.Westontoinvitehertoanairing;shehaddrawnbackanddeclinedatfirst,but,onbeingpressedhadyielded;and,inthecourseoftheirdrive,Mrs.Westonhad,bygentleencouragement,overcomesomuchofherembarrassment,astobringhertoconverseontheimportantsubject.Apologiesforherseeminglyungracioussilenceintheirfirstreception,andthewarmestexpressionsofthegratitudeshewasalwaysfeelingtowardsherselfandMr.Weston,mustnecessarilyopenthecause;butwhentheseeffusionswereputby,theyhadtalkedagooddealofthepresentandofthefuturestateoftheengagement.Mrs.Westonwasconvincedthatsuchconversationmustbethegreatestrelieftohercompanion,pentupwithinherownmindaseverythinghadsolongbeen,andwasverymuchpleasedwithallthatshehadsaidonthesubject.
`Onthemiseryofwhatshehadsuffered,duringtheconcealmentofsomanymonths,\'continuedMrs.Weston,`shewasenergetic.Thiswasoneofherexpressions.``Iwillnotsay,thatsinceIenteredintotheengagementIhavenothadsomehappymoments;butIcansay,thatIhaveneverknowntheblessingofonetranquilhour:\'\'-andthequiveringlip,Emma,whichutteredit,wasanattestationthatIfeltatmyheart.\'
`Poorgirl!\'saidEmma.`Shethinksherselfwrong,then,forhavingconsentedtoaprivateengagement?\'
`Wrong!Noone,Ibelieve,canblamehermorethansheisdisposedtoblameherself.``Theconsequence,\'\'saidshe,``hasbeenastateofperpetualsufferingtome;andsoitought.Butafterallthepunishmentthatmisconductcanbring,itisstillnotlessmisconduct.Painisnoexpiation.Inevercanbeblameless.Ihavebeenactingcontrarytoallmysenseofright;andthefortunateturnthateverythinghastaken,andthekindnessIamnowreceiving,iswhatmyconsciencetellsmeoughtnottobe.\'\'``Donotimagine,madam,\'\'shecontinued,``thatIwastaughtwrong.Donotletanyreflectionfallontheprinciplesorthecareofthefriendswhobroughtmeup.Theerrorhasbeenallmyown;andIdoassureyouthat,withalltheexcusethatpresentcircumstancesmayappeartogive,IshallyetdreadmakingthestoryknowntoColonelCampbell.\'\'\'
`Poorgirl!\'saidEmmaagain.`Sheloveshimthenexcessively,Isuppose.Itmusthavebeenfromattachmentonly,thatshecouldbeledtoformtheengagement.Heraffectionmusthaveoverpoweredherjudgment.\'
`Yes,Ihavenodoubtofherbeingextremelyattachedtohim.\'
`Iamafraid,\'returnedEmma,sighing,`thatImustoftenhavecontributedtomakeherunhappy.\'
`Onyourside,mylove,itwasveryinnocentlydone.Butsheprobablyhadsomethingofthatinherthoughts,whenalludingtothemisunderstandingswhichhehadgivenushintsofbefore.Onenaturalconsequenceoftheevilshehadinvolvedherselfin,\'shesaid,`wasthatofmakingherunreasonable.Theconsciousnessofhavingdoneamiss,hadexposedhertoathousandinquietudes,andmadehercaptiousandirritabletoadegreethatmusthavebeen-thathadbeen-hardforhimtobear.``Ididnotmaketheallowances,\'\'saidshe,``whichIoughttohavedone,forhistemperandspirits-hisdelightfulspirits,andthatgaiety,thatplayfulnessofdisposition,which,underanyothercircumstances,would,Iamsure,havebeenasconstantlybewitchingtome,astheywereatfirst.\'\'Shethenbegantospeakofyou,andofthegreatkindnessyouhadshewnherduringherillness;andwithablushwhichshewedmehowitwasallconnected,desiredme,wheneverIhadanopportunity,tothankyou-Icouldnotthankyoutoomuch-foreverywishandeveryendeavourtodohergood.Shewassensiblethatyouhadneverreceivedanyproperacknowledgmentfromherself.\'
`IfIdidnotknowhertobehappynow,\'saidEmma,seriously,`which,inspiteofeverylittledrawbackfromherscrupulousconscience,shemustbe,Icouldnotbearthesethanks;-for,oh!Mrs.Weston,iftherewereanaccountdrawnupoftheevilandthegoodIhavedoneMissFairfax!-Wellcheckingherself,andtryingtobemorelively,thisisalltobeforgotten.Youareverykindtobringmetheseinterestingparticulars.Theyshewhertothegreatestadvantage.Iamsuresheisverygood-Ihopeshewillbeveryhappy.Itisfitthatthefortuneshouldbeonhisside,forIthinkthemeritwillbeallonhers.\'
SuchaconclusioncouldnotpassunansweredbyMrs.Weston.ShethoughtwellofFrankinalmosteveryrespect;and,whatwasmore,shelovedhimverymuch,andherdefencewas,therefore,earnest.Shetalkedwithagreatdealofreason,andatleastequalaffection-butshehadtoomuchtourgeforEmma\'sattention;itwassoongonetoBrunswickSquareortoDonwell;sheforgottoattempttolisten;andwhenMrs.Westonendedwith,`Wehavenotyethadtheletterwearesoanxiousfor,youknow,butIhopeitwillsooncome,\'shewasobligedtopausebeforesheanswered,andatlastobligedtoansweratrandom,beforeshecouldatallrecollectwhatletteritwaswhichtheyweresoanxiousfor.
`Areyouwell,myEmma?\'wasMrs.Weston\'spartingquestion.
`Oh!perfectly.Iamalwayswell,youknow.Besuretogivemeintelligenceoftheletterassoonaspossible.\'
Mrs.Weston\'scommunicationsfurnishedEmmawithmorefoodforunpleasantreflection,byincreasingheresteemandcompassion,andhersenseofpastinjusticetowardsMissFairfax.Shebitterlyregrettednothavingsoughtacloseracquaintancewithher,andblushedfortheenviousfeelingswhichhadcertainlybeen,insomemeasure,thecause.HadshefollowedMr.Knightley\'sknownwishes,inpayingthatattentiontoMissFairfax,whichwaseverywayherdue;hadshetriedtoknowherbetter;hadshedoneherparttowardsintimacy;hadsheendeavouredtofindafriendthereinsteadofinHarrietSmith;shemust,inallprobability,havebeensparedfromeverypainwhichpressedonhernow-Birth,abilities,andeducation,hadbeenequallymarkingoneasanassociateforher,tobereceivedwithgratitude;andtheother-whatwasshe?-Supposingeventhattheyhadneverbecomeintimatefriends;thatshehadneverbeenadmittedintoMissFairfax\'sconfidenceonthisimportantmatter-whichwasmostprobable-still,inknowingherassheought,andasshemight,shemusthavebeenpreservedfromtheabominablesuspicionsofanimproperattachmenttoMr.Dixon,whichshehadnotonlysofoolishlyfashionedandharbouredherself,buthadsounpardonablyimparted;anideawhichshegreatlyfearedhadbeenmadeasubjectofmaterialdistresstothedelicacyofJane\'sfeelings,bythelevityorcarelessnessofFrankChurchill\'s.Ofallthesourcesofevilsurroundingtheformer,sincehercomingtoHighbury,shewaspersuadedthatshemustherselfhavebeentheworst.Shemusthavebeenaperpetualenemy.Theynevercouldhavebeenallthreetogether,withoutherhavingstabbedJaneFairfax\'speaceinathousandinstances;andonBoxHill,perhaps,ithadbeentheagonyofamindthatwouldbearnomore.
Theeveningofthisdaywasverylong,andmelancholy,atHartfield.Theweatheraddedwhatitcouldofgloom.Acoldstormyrainsetin,andnothingofJulyappearedbutinthetreesandshrubs,whichthewindwasdespoiling,andthelengthoftheday,whichonlymadesuchcruelsightsthelongervisible.
TheweatheraffectedMr.Woodhouse,andhecouldonlybekepttolerablycomfortablebyalmostceaselessattentiononhisdaughter\'sside,andbyexertionswhichhadnevercostherhalfsomuchbefore.Itremindedheroftheirfirstforlorntete-a-tete,ontheeveningofMrs.Weston\'swedding-day;butMr.Knightleyhadwalkedinthen,soonaftertea,anddissipatedeverymelancholyfancy.Alas!suchdelightfulproofsofHartfield\'sattraction,asthosesortofvisitsconveyed,mightshortlybeover.Thepicturewhichshehadthendrawnoftheprivationsoftheapproachingwinter,hadprovederroneous;nofriendshaddesertedthem,nopleasureshadbeenlost-Butherpresentforebodingsshefearedwouldexperiencenosimilarcontradiction.Theprospectbeforehernow,wasthreateningtoadegreethatcouldnotbeentirelydispelled-thatmightnotbeevenpartiallybrightened.Ifalltookplacethatmighttakeplaceamongthecircleofherfriends,Hartfieldmustbecomparativelydeserted;andshelefttocheerherfatherwiththespiritsonlyofruinedhappiness.
ThechildtobebornatRandallsmustbeatiethereevendearerthanherself;andMrs.Weston\'sheartandtimewouldbeoccupiedbyit.Theyshouldloseher;and,probably,ingreatmeasure,herhusbandalso-FrankChurchillwouldreturnamongthemnomore;andMissFairfax,itwasreasonabletosuppose,wouldsoonceasetobelongtoHighbury.Theywouldbemarried,andsettledeitheratornearEnscombe.Allthatweregoodwouldbewithdrawn;andiftotheselosses,thelossofDonwellweretobeadded,whatwouldremainofcheerfulorofrationalsocietywithintheirreach?Mr.Knightleytobenolongercomingthereforhiseveningcomfort!-Nolongerwalkinginatallhours,asifeverwillingtochangehisownhomefortheir\'s!-Howwasittobeendured?AndifheweretobelosttothemforHarriet\'ssake;ifheweretobethoughtofhereafter,asfindinginHarriet\'ssocietyallthathewanted;ifHarrietweretobethechosen,thefirst,thedearest,thefriend,thewifetowhomhelookedforallthebestblessingsofexistence;whatcouldbeincreasingEmma\'swretchednessbutthereflectionneverfardistantfromhermind,thatithadbeenallherownwork?
Whenitcametosuchapitchasthis,shewasnotabletorefrainfromastart,oraheavysigh,orevenfromwalkingabouttheroomforafewseconds-andtheonlysourcewhenceanythinglikeconsolationorcomposurecouldbedrawn,wasintheresolutionofherownbetterconduct,andthehopethat,howeverinferiorinspiritandgaietymightbethefollowingandeveryfuturewinterofherlifetothepast,itwouldyetfindhermorerational,moreacquaintedwithherself,andleaveherlesstoregretwhenitweregone.
CHAPTERXIII
Theweathercontinuedmuchthesameallthefollowingmorning;andthesameloneliness,andthesamemelancholy,seemedtoreignatHartfield-butintheafternoonitcleared;thewindchangedintoasofterquarter;thecloudswerecarriedoff;thesunappeared;itwassummeragain.Withalltheeagernesswhichsuchatransitiongives,Emmaresolvedtobeoutofdoorsassoonaspossible.Neverhadtheexquisitesight,smell,sensationofnature,tranquil,warm,andbrilliantafterastorm,beenmoreattractivetoher.Shelongedfortheserenitytheymightgraduallyintroduce;andonMr.Perry\'scominginsoonafterdinner,withadisengagedhourtogiveherfather,shelostnotimeillhurryingintotheshrubbery-There,withspiritsfreshened,andthoughtsalittlerelieved,shehadtakenafewturns,whenshesawMr.Knightleypassingthroughthegardendoor,andcomingtowardsher-ItwasthefirstintimationofhisbeingreturnedfromLondon.Shehadbeenthinkingofhimthemomentbefore,asunquestionablysixteenmilesdistant-Therewastimeonlyforthequickestarrangementofmind.Shemustbecollectedandcalm.Inhalfaminutetheyweretogether.The`Howd\'yedo\'s\'werequietandconstrainedoneachside.Sheaskedaftertheirmutualfriends;theywereallwell-Whenhadheleftthem?-Onlythatmorning.Hemusthavehadawetride-Yes-Hemeanttowalkwithher,shefound.`Hehadjustlookedintothedining-room,andashewasnotwantedthere,preferredbeingoutofdoors.\'-Shethoughtheneitherlookednorspokecheerfully;andthefirstpossiblecauseforit,suggestedbyherfears,was,thathehadperhapsbeencommunicatinghisplanstohisbrother,andwaspainedbythemannerinwhichtheyhadbeenreceived.
Theywalkedtogether.Hewassilent.Shethoughthewasoftenlookingather,andtryingforafullerviewofherfacethanitsuitedhertogive.Andthisbeliefproducedanotherdread.Perhapshewantedtospeaktoher,ofhisattachmenttoHarriet;hemightbewatchingforencouragementtobegin-Shedidnot,couldnot,feelequaltoleadthewaytoanysuchsubject.Hemustdoitallhimself.Yetshecouldnotbearthissilence.Withhimitwasmostunnatural.Sheconsidered-resolved-and,tryingtosmile,began-
`Youhavesomenewstohear,nowyouarecomeback,thatwillrathersurprizeyou.\'
`HaveI?\'saidhequietly,andlookingather;`ofwhatnature?\'
`Oh!thebestnatureintheworld-awedding.\'
Afterwaitingamoment,asiftobesuresheintendedtosaynomore,hereplied,
`IfyoumeanMissFairfaxandFrankChurchill,Ihaveheardthatalready.\'
`Howisitpossible?\'criedEmma,turningherglowingcheekstowardshim;for,whileshespoke,itoccurredtoherthathemighthavecalledatMrs.Goddard\'sinhisway.
`IhadafewlinesonparishbusinessfromMr.Westonthismorning,andattheendofthemhegavemeabriefaccountofwhathadhappened.\'
Emmawasquiterelieved,andcouldpresentlysay,withalittlemorecomposure,
`Youprobablyhavebeenlesssurprizedthananyofus,foryouhavehadyoursuspicions-Ihavenotforgottenthatyouoncetriedtogivemeacaution-IwishIhadattendedtoit-but-withasinkingvoiceandaheavysighIseemtohavebeendoomedtoblindness.\'
Foramomentortwonothingwassaid,andshewasunsuspiciousofhavingexcitedanyparticularinterest,tillshefoundherarmdrawnwithinhis,andpressedagainsthisheart,andheardhimthussaying,inatoneofgreatsensibility,speakinglow,
`Time,mydearestEmma,timewillhealthewound-Yourownexcellentsense-yourexertionsforyourfather\'ssake-Iknowyouwillnotallowyourself.\'Herarmwaspressedagain,asheadded,inamorebrokenandsubduedaccent,`Thefeelingsofthewarmestfriendship-Indignation-Abominablescoundrel!\'-Andinalouder,steadiertone,heconcludedwith,`Hewillsoonbegone.TheywillsoonbeinYorkshire.Iamsorryforher.Shedeservesabetterfate.\'
Emmaunderstoodhim;andassoonasshecouldrecoverfromtheflutterofpleasure,excitedbysuchtenderconsideration,replied,
`Youareverykind-butyouaremistaken-andImustsetyouright-Iamnotinwantofthatsortofcompassion.Myblindnesstowhatwasgoingon,ledmetoactbytheminawaythatImustalwaysbeashamedof,andIwasveryfoolishlytemptedtosayanddomanythingswhichmaywelllaymeopentounpleasantconjectures,butIhavenootherreasontoregretthatIwasnotinthesecretearlier.\'
`Emma!\'criedhe,lookingeagerlyather,`areyou,indeed?\'-butcheckinghimself-`No,no,Iunderstandyou-forgiveme-Iampleasedthatyoucansayevensomuch-Heisnoobjectofregret,indeed!anditwillnotbeverylong,Ihope,beforethatbecomestheacknowledgmentofmorethanyourreason-Fortunatethatyouraffectionswerenotfartherentangled!-Icouldnever,Iconfess,fromyourmanners,assuremyselfastothedegreeofwhatyoufelt-Icouldonlybecertainthattherewasapreference-andapreferencewhichIneverbelievedhimtodeserve-Heisadisgracetothenameofman-Andishetoberewardedwiththatsweetyoungwoman?-Jane,Jane,youwillbeamiserablecreature.\'
`Mr.Knightley,\'saidEmma,tryingtobelively,butreallyconfused-`Iaminaveryextraordinarysituation.Icannotletyoucontinueinyourerror;andyet,perhaps,sincemymannersgavesuchanimpression,IhaveasmuchreasontobeashamedofconfessingthatIneverhavebeenatallattachedtothepersonwearespeakingof,asitmightbenaturalforawomantofeelinconfessingexactlythereverse-ButIneverhave.\'
Helistenedinperfectsilence.Shewishedhimtospeak,buthewouldnot.Shesupposedshemustsaymorebeforeshewereentitledtohisclemency;butitwasahardcasetobeobligedstilltolowerherselfinhisopinion.Shewenton,however.
`Ihaveverylittletosayformyownconduct-Iwastemptedbyhisattentions,andallowedmyselftoappearpleased-Anoldstory,probably-acommoncase-andnomorethanhashappenedtohundredsofmysexbefore;andyetitmaynotbethemoreexcusableinonewhosetsupasIdoforUnderstanding.Manycircumstancesassistedthetemptation.HewasthesonofMr.Weston-hewascontinuallyhere-Ialwaysfoundhimverypleasant-and,inshort,forwithasighletmeswelloutthecauseseversoingeniously,theyallcentreinthisatlast-myvanitywasflattered,andIallowedhisattentions.Latterly,however-forsometime,indeed-Ihavehadnoideaoftheirmeaninganything-Ithoughtthemahabit,atrick,nothingthatcalledforseriousnessonmyside.Hehasimposedonme,buthehasnotinjuredme.Ihaveneverbeenattachedtohim.AndnowIcantolerablycomprehendhisbehaviour.Heneverwishedtoattachme.Itwasmerelyablindtoconcealhisrealsituationwithanother-Itwashisobjecttoblindallabouthim;andnoone,Iamsure,couldbemoreeffectuallyblindedthanmyself-exceptthatIwasnotblinded-thatitwasmygoodfortune-that,inshort,Iwassomehoworothersafefromhim.\'
Shehadhopedforananswerhere-forafewwordstosaythatherconductwasatleastintelligible;buthewassilent;and,asfarasshecouldjudge,deepinthought.Atlast,andtolerablyinhisusualtone,hesaid,
`IhaveneverhadahighopinionofFrankChurchill-Icansuppose,however,thatImayhaveunderratedhim.Myacquaintancewithhimhasbeenbuttrifling-AndevenifIhavenotunderratedhimhitherto,hemayyetturnoutwell-Withsuchawomanhehasachance-Ihavenomotiveforwishinghimill-andforhersake,whosehappinesswillbeinvolvedinhisgoodcharacterandconduct,Ishallcertainlywishhimwell.\'
`Ihavenodoubtoftheirbeinghappytogether,\'saidEmma;`Ibelievethemtobeverymutuallyandverysincerelyattached.\'
`Heisamostfortunateman!\'returnedMr.Knightley,withenergy.`Soearlyinlife-atthree-and-twenty-aperiodwhen,ifamanchusesawife,hegenerallychusesill.Atthree-and-twentytohavedrawnsuchaprize!Whatyearsoffelicitythatman,inallhumancalculation,hasbeforehim!-Assuredoftheloveofsuchawoman-thedisinterestedlove,forJaneFairfax\'scharactervouchesforherdisinterestedness;everythinginhisfavour,-equalityofsituation-Imean,asfarasregardssociety,andallthehabitsandmannersthatareimportant;equalityineverypointbutone-andthatone,sincethepurityofherheartisnottobedoubted,suchasmustincreasehisfelicity,foritwillbehistobestowtheonlyadvantagesshewants-Amanwouldalwayswishtogiveawomanabetterhomethantheonehetakesherfrom;andhewhocandoit,wherethereisnodoubtofherregard,must,Ithink,bethehappiestofmortals-FrankChurchillis,indeed,thefavouriteoffortune.Everythingturnsoutforhisgood-Hemeetswithayoungwomanatawatering-place,gainsheraffection,cannotevenwearyherbynegligenttreatment-andhadheandallhisfamilysoughtroundtheworldforaperfectwifeforhim,theycouldnothavefoundhersuperior-Hisauntisintheway-Hisauntdies-Hehasonlytospeak-Hisfriendsareeagertopromotehishappiness-Hehadusedeverybodyill-andtheyarealldelightedtoforgivehim-Heisafortunatemanindeed!\'
`Youspeakasifyouenviedhim.\'
`AndIdoenvyhim,Emma.Inonerespectheistheobjectofmyenvy.\'
Emmacouldsaynomore.TheyseemedtobewithinhalfasentenceofHarriet,andherimmediatefeelingwastoavertthesubject,ifpossible.Shemadeherplan;shewouldspeakofsomethingtotallydifferent-thechildreninBrunswickSquare;andsheonlywaitedforbreathtobegin,whenMr.Knightleystartledher,bysaying,
`Youwillnotaskmewhatisthepointofenvy-Youaredetermined,Isee,tohavenocuriosity-Youarewise-butIcannotbewise.Emma,Imusttellyouwhatyouwillnotask,thoughImaywishitunsaidthenextmoment.\'
`Oh!then,don\'tspeakit,don\'tspeakit,\'sheeagerlycried.`Takealittletime,consider,donotcommityourself.\'
`Thankyou,\'saidhe,inanaccentofdeepmortification,andnotanothersyllablefollowed.
Emmacouldnotbeartogivehimpain.Hewaswishingtoconfideinher-perhapstoconsulther;-costherwhatitwould,shewouldlisten.Shemightassisthisresolution,orreconcilehimtoit;shemightgivejustpraisetoHarriet,or,byrepresentingtohimhisownindependence,relievehimfromthatstateofindecision,whichmustbemoreintolerablethananyalternativetosuchamindashis-Theyhadreachedthehouse.
`Youaregoingin,Isuppose?\'saidhe.
`No,\'-repliedEmma-quiteconfirmedbythedepressedmannerinwhichhestillspoke-`Ishouldliketotakeanotherturn.Mr.Perryisnotgone.\'And,afterproceedingafewsteps,sheadded-`Istoppedyouungraciously,justnow,Mr.Knightley,and,Iamafraid,gaveyoupain-Butifyouhaveanywishtospeakopenlytomeasafriend,ortoaskmyopinionofanythingthatyoumayhaveincontemplation-asafriend,indeed,youmaycommandme-Iwillhearwhateveryoulike.IwilltellyouexactlywhatIthink.\'
`Asafriend!\'-repeatedMr.Knightley-`Emma,thatIfearisaword-No,Ihavenowish-Stay,yes,whyshouldIhesitate?-Ihavegonetoofaralreadyforconcealment-Emma,Iacceptyouroffer-Extraordinaryasitmayseem,Iacceptit,andrefermyselftoyouasafriend-Tellme,then,haveInochanceofeversucceeding?\'
Hestoppedinhisearnestnesstolookthequestion,andtheexpressionofhiseyesoverpoweredher.
`MydearestEmma,\'saidhe,`fordearestyouwillalwaysbe,whatevertheeventofthishour\'sconversation,mydearest,mostbelovedEmma-tellmeatonce.Say``No,\'\'ifitistobesaid.\'-Shecouldreallysaynothing-`Youaresilent,\'hecried,withgreatanimation;`absolutelysilent!atpresentIasknomore.\'
Emmawasalmostreadytosinkundertheagitationofthismoment.Thedreadofbeingawakenedfromthehappiestdream,wasperhapsthemostprominentfeeling.
`Icannotmakespeeches,Emma:\'hesoonresumed;andinatoneofsuchsincere,decided,intelligibletendernessaswastolerablyconvincing-`IfIlovedyouless,Imightbeabletotalkaboutitmore.ButyouknowwhatIam-Youhearnothingbuttruthfromme-Ihaveblamedyou,andlecturedyou,andyouhaveborneitasnootherwomaninEnglandwouldhaveborneit-BearwiththetruthsIwouldtellyounow,dearestEmma,aswellasyouhavebornewiththem.Themanner,perhaps,mayhaveaslittletorecommendthem.Godknows,Ihavebeenaveryindifferentlover-Butyouunderstandme-Yes,yousee,youunderstandmyfeelings-andwillreturnthemifyoucan.Atpresent,Iaskonlytohear,oncetohearyourvoice.\'
Whilehespoke,Emma\'smindwasmostbusy,and,withallthewonderfulvelocityofthought,hadbeenable-andyetwithoutlosingaword-tocatchandcomprehendtheexacttruthofthewhole;toseethatHarriet\'shopeshadbeenentirelygroundless,amistake,adelusion,ascompleteadelusionasanyofherown-thatHarrietwasnothing;thatshewaseverythingherself;thatwhatshehadbeensayingrelativetoHarriethadbeenalltakenasthelanguageofherownfeelings;andthatheragitation,herdoubts,herreluctance,herdiscouragement,hadbeenallreceivedasdiscouragementfromherself-Andnotonlywastheretimefortheseconvictions,withalltheirglowofattendanthappiness;therewastimealsotorejoicethatHarriet\'ssecrethadnotescapedher,andtoresolvethatitneednot,andshouldnot-Itwasalltheserviceshecouldnowrenderherpoorfriend;forastoanyofthatheroismofsentimentwhichmighthavepromptedhertoentreathimtotransferhisaffectionfromherselftoHarriet,asinfinitelythemostworthyofthetwo-oreventhemoresimplesublimityofresolvingtorefusehimatonceandforever,withoutvouchsafinganymotive,becausehecouldnotmarrythemboth,Emmahaditnot.ShefeltforHarriet,withpainandwithcontrition;butnoflightofgenerosityrunmad,opposingallthatcouldbeprobableorreasonable,enteredherbrain.Shehadledherfriendastray,anditwouldbeareproachtoherforever;butherjudgmentwasasstrongasherfeelings,andasstrongasithadeverbeenbefore,inreprobatinganysuchallianceforhim,asmostunequalanddegrading.Herwaywasclear,thoughnotquitesmooth-Shespokethen,onbeingsoentreated-Whatdidshesay?-Justwhatsheought,ofcourse.Aladyalwaysdoes-Shesaidenoughtoshewthereneednotbedespair-andtoinvitehimtosaymorehimself.Hehaddespairedatoneperiod;hehadreceivedsuchaninjunctiontocautionandsilence,asforthetimecrushedeveryhope;-shehadbegunbyrefusingtohearhim-Thechangehadperhapsbeensomewhatsudden;-herproposaloftakinganotherturn,herrenewingtheconversationwhichshehadjustputanendto,mightbealittleextraordinary!-Shefeltitsinconsistency;butMr.Knightleywassoobligingastoputupwithit,andseeknofartherexplanation.
Seldom,veryseldom,doescompletetruthbelongtoanyhumandisclosure;seldomcanithappenthatsomethingisnotalittledisguised,oralittlemistaken;butwhere,asinthiscase,thoughtheconductismistaken,thefeelingsarenot,itmaynotbeverymaterial-Mr.KnightleycouldnotimputetoEmmaamorerelentingheartthanshepossessed,oraheartmoredisposedtoacceptofhis.
Hehad,infact,beenwhollyunsuspiciousofhisowninfluence.Hehadfollowedherintotheshrubberywithnoideaoftryingit.Hehadcome,inhisanxietytoseehowsheboreFrankChurchill\'sengagement,withnoselfishview,noviewatall,butofendeavouring,ifsheallowedhimanopening,tosootheortocounselher-Theresthadbeentheworkofthemoment,theimmediateeffectofwhatheheard,onhisfeelings.ThedelightfulassuranceofhertotalindifferencetowardsFrankChurchill,ofherhavingaheartcompletelydisengagedfromhim,hadgivenbirthtothehope,that,intime,hemightgainheraffectionhimself;-butithadbeennopresenthope-hehadonly,inthemomentaryconquestofeagernessoverjudgment,aspiredtobetoldthatshedidnotforbidhisattempttoattachher-Thesuperiorhopeswhichgraduallyopenedweresomuchthemoreenchanting-Theaffection,whichhehadbeenaskingtobeallowedtocreate,ifhecould,wasalreadyhis!-Withinhalfanhour,hehadpassedfromathoroughlydistressedstateofmind,tosomethingsolikeperfecthappiness,thatitcouldbearnoothername.
Herchangewasequal-Thisonehalf-hourhadgiventoeachthesamepreciouscertaintyofbeingbeloved,hadclearedfromeachthesamedegreeofignorance,jealousy,ordistrust-Onhisside,therehadbeenalong-standingjealousy,oldasthearrival,oreventheexpectation,ofFrankChurchill-HehadbeeninlovewithEmma,andjealousofFrankChurchill,fromaboutthesameperiod,onesentimenthavingprobablyenlightenedhimastotheother.ItwashisjealousyofFrankChurchillthathadtakenhimfromthecountry-TheBoxHillpartyhaddecidedhimongoingaway.Hewouldsavehimselffromwitnessingagainsuchpermitted,encouragedattentions-Hehadgonetolearntobeindifferent-Buthehadgonetoawrongplace.Therewastoomuchdomestichappinessinhisbrother\'shouse;womanworetooamiableaforminit;IsabellawastoomuchlikeEmma-differingonlyinthosestrikinginferiorities,whichalwaysbroughttheotherinbrilliancybeforehim,formuchtohavebeendone,evenhadhistimebeenlonger-Hehadstayedon,however,vigorously,dayafterday-tillthisverymorning\'sposthadconveyedthehistoryofJaneFairfax-Then,withthegladnesswhichmustbefelt,nay,whichhedidnotscrupletofeel,havingneverbelievedFrankChurchilltobeatalldeservingEmma,wastheresomuchfondsolicitude,somuchkeenanxietyforher,thathecouldstaynolonger.Hehadriddenhomethroughtherain;andhadwalkedupdirectlyafterdinner,toseehowthissweetestandbestofallcreatures,faultlessinspiteofallherfaults,borethediscovery.
Hehadfoundheragitatedandlow-FrankChurchillwasavillain-Heheardherdeclarethatshehadneverlovedhim.FrankChurchill\'scharacterwasnotdesperate-ShewashisownEmma,byhandandword,whentheyreturnedintothehouse;andifhecouldhavethoughtofFrankChurchillthen,hemighthavedeemedhimaverygoodsortoffellow.
CHAPTERXIV
WhattotallydifferentfeelingsdidEmmatakebackintothehousefromwhatshehadbroughtout!-shehadthenbeenonlydaringtohopeforalittlerespiteofsuffering;-shewasnowinanexquisiteflutterofhappiness,andsuchhappinessmoreoverasshebelievedmuststillbegreaterwhenthefluttershouldhavepassedaway.
Theysatdowntotea-thesamepartyroundthesametable-howoftenithadbeencollected!-andhowoftenhadhereyesfallenonthesameshrubsinthelawn,andobservedthesamebeautifuleffectofthewesternsun!-Butneverinsuchastateofspirits,neverinanythinglikeit;anditwaswithdifficultythatshecouldsummonenoughofherusualselftobetheattentiveladyofthehouse,oreventheattentivedaughter.
PoorMr.Woodhouselittlesuspectedwhatwasplottingagainsthiminthebreastofthatmanwhomhewassocordiallywelcoming,andsoanxiouslyhopingmightnothavetakencoldfromhisride-Couldhehaveseentheheart,hewouldhavecaredverylittleforthelungs;butwithoutthemostdistantimaginationoftheimpendingevil,withouttheslightestperceptionofanythingextraordinaryinthelooksorwaysofeither,herepeatedtothemverycomfortablyallthearticlesofnewshehadreceivedfromMr.Perry,andtalkedonwithmuchself-contentment,totallyunsuspiciousofwhattheycouldhavetoldhiminreturn.
AslongasMr.Knightleyremainedwiththem,Emma\'sfevercontinued;butwhenhewasgone,shebegantobealittletranquillisedandsubdued-andinthecourseofthesleeplessnight,whichwasthetaxforsuchanevening,shefoundoneortwosuchveryseriouspointstoconsider,asmadeherfeel,thatevenherhappinessmusthavesomealloy.Herfather-andHarriet.Shecouldnotbealonewithoutfeelingthefullweightoftheirseparateclaims;andhowtoguardthecomfortofbothtotheutmost,wasthequestion.Withrespecttoherfather,itwasaquestionsoonanswered.ShehardlyknewyetwhatMr.Knightleywouldask;butaveryshortparleywithherownheartproducedthemostsolemnresolutionofneverquittingherfather-Sheevenweptovertheideaofit,asasinofthought.Whilehelived,itmustbeonlyanengagement;butsheflatteredherself,thatifdivestedofthedangerofdrawingheraway,itmightbecomeanincreaseofcomforttohim-HowtodoherbestbyHarriet,wasofmoredifficultdecision;-howtospareherfromanyunnecessarypain;howtomakeheranypossibleatonement;howtoappearleastherenemy?-Onthesesubjects,herperplexityanddistresswereverygreat-andhermindhadtopassagainandagainthrougheverybitterreproachandsorrowfulregretthathadeversurroundedit-Shecouldonlyresolveatlast,thatshewouldstillavoidameetingwithher,andcommunicateallthatneedbetoldbyletter;thatitwouldbeinexpressiblydesirabletohaveherremovedjustnowforatimefromHighbury,and-indulginginoneschememore-nearlyresolve,thatitmightbepracticabletogetaninvitationforhertoBrunswickSquare-IsabellahadbeenpleasedwithHarriet;andafewweeksspentinLondonmustgivehersomeamusement-ShedidnotthinkitinHarriet\'snaturetoescapebeingbenefitedbynoveltyandvariety,bythestreets,theshops,andthechildren-Atanyrate,itwouldbeaproofofattentionandkindnessinherself,fromwhomeverythingwasdue;aseparationforthepresent;anavertingoftheevilday,whentheymustallbetogetheragain.
Sheroseearly,andwroteherlettertoHarriet;anemploymentwhichlefthersoveryserious,sonearlysad,thatMr.Knightley,inwalkinguptoHartfieldtobreakfast,didnotarriveatalltoosoon;andhalfanhourstolenafterwardstogooverthesamegroundagainwithhim,literallyandfiguratively,wasquitenecessarytoreinstateherinapropershareofthehappinessoftheeveningbefore.
Hehadnotleftherlong,bynomeanslongenoughforhertohavetheslightestinclinationforthinkingofanybodyelse,whenaletterwasbroughtherfromRandalls-averythickletter;-sheguessedwhatitmustcontain,anddeprecatedthenecessityofreadingit-ShewasnowinperfectcharitywithFrankChurchill;shewantednoexplanations,shewantedonlytohaveherthoughtstoherself-andasforunderstandinganythinghewrote,shewassureshewasincapableofit-Itmustbewadedthrough,however.Sheopenedthepacket;itwastoosurelyso;-anotefromMrs.Westontoherself,usheredintheletterfromFranktoMrs.Weston.