couldn’thelpit，althoughIhavebeen-pretendingIamhappy-Nowyou’llhaveacontemptformeforever，Isuppose！’Shebentdownherfaceuponherhandsastheylayuponthecloth，andsilentlysobbedinlittlejerksthatmadethefragilethree-leggedtablequiver。
`Ihaveonlybeenmarriedamonthortwo！’shewenton，stillremainingbentuponthetable，andsobbingintoherhands。`Anditissaidthatwhatawomanshrinksfrom-intheearlydaysofhermarriage-sheshakesdowntowithcomfortableindifferenceinhalfadozenyears。Butthatismuchlikesayingthattheamputationofalimbisnoaffliction，sinceapersongetscomfortablyaccustomedtotheuseofawoodenlegorarminthecourseoftime！’
Judecouldhardlyspeak，buthesaid，`Ithoughttherewassomethingwrong，Sue！Oh，Ithoughttherewas！’
`Butitisnotasyouthink！-thereisnothingwrongexceptmyownwickedness，Isupposeyou’dcallit-arepugnanceonmypart，forareasonIcannotdisclose，andwhatwouldnotbeadmittedasonebytheworldingeneral！……Whattorturesmesomuchisthenecessityofbeingresponsivetothismanwheneverhewishes，goodasheismorally！-thedreadfulcontracttofeelinaparticularwayinamatterwhoseessenceisitsvoluntariness！……Iwishhewouldbeatme，orbefaithlesstome，ordosomeopenthingthatIcouldtalkaboutasajustificationforfeelingasIdo！Buthedoesnothing，exceptthathehasgrownalittlecoldsincehehasfoundouthowIfeel。That’swhyhedidn’tcometothefuneral……
Oh，Iamverymiserable-Idon’tknowwhattodo！……Don’tcomenearme，Jude，becauseyoumustn’t。Don’t-don’t！’
Buthehadjumpedupandputhisfaceagainsthers-orratheragainstherear，herfacebeinginaccessible。
`Itoldyounotto，Jude！’
`Iknowyoudid-Ionlywishto-consoleyou！Itallarosethroughmybeingmarriedbeforewemet，didn’tit？Youwouldhavebeenmywife，Sue，wouldn’tyou，ifithadn’tbeenforthat？’
Insteadofreplyingsherosequickly，andsayingshewasgoingtowalktoheraunt’sgraveinthechurchyardtorecoverherself，wentoutofthehouse。Judedidnotfollowher。TwentyminuteslaterhesawhercrossthevillagegreentowardsMrs。Edlin’s，andsoonshesentalittlegirltofetchherbag，andtellhimshewastootiredtoseehimagainthatnight。
Inthelonelyroomofhisaunt’shouse，JudesatwatchingthecottageoftheWidowEdlinasitdisappearedbehindthenightshade。HeknewthatSuewassittingwithinitswallsequallylonelyanddisheartened；
andagainquestionedhisdevotionalmottothatallwasforthebest。
Heretiredtorestearly，buthissleepwasfitfulfromthesensethatSuewassonearathand。Atsometimeneartwoo’clock，whenhewasbeginningtosleepmoresoundly，hewasarousedbyashrillsqueakthathadbeenfamiliarenoughtohimwhenhelivedregularlyatMarygreen。Itwasthecryofarabbitcaughtinagin。Aswasthelittlecreature’shabit，itdidnotsoonrepeatitscry；andprobablywouldnotdosomorethanonceortwice；butwouldremainbearingitstorturetillthemorrowwhenthetrapperwouldcomeandknockitonthehead。
Hewhoinhischildhoodhadsavedthelivesoftheearthwormsnowbegantopicturetheagoniesoftherabbitfromitslaceratedleg。
Ifitwerea`badcatch’bythehind-leg，theanimalwouldtugduringtheensuingsixhourstilltheironteethofthetraphadstrippedtheleg-boneofitsflesh，when，shouldaweak-springedinstrumentenableittoescape，itwoulddieinthefieldsfromthemortificationofthelimb。Ifitwerea`goodcatch，’namely，bythefore-leg，thebonewouldbebrokenandthelimbnearlytornintwoinattemptsatanimpossibleescape。
Almosthalfanhourpassed，andtherabbitrepeateditscry。Judecouldrestnolongertillhehadputitoutofitspain，sodressinghimselfquicklyhedescended，andbythelightofthemoonwentacrossthegreeninthedirectionofthesound。Hereachedthehedgeborderingthewidow’sgarden，whenhestoodstill。Thefaintclickofthetrapasdraggedaboutbythewrithinganimalguidedhimnow，andreachingthespothestrucktherabbitonthebackoftheneckwiththesideofhispalm，anditstretcheditselfoutdead。
Hewasturningawaywhenhesawawomanlookingoutoftheopencasementatawindowonthegroundflooroftheadjacentcottage。`Jude！’
saidavoicetimidly-Sue’svoice。`Itisyou-isitnot？’
`Yes，dear！’
`Ihaven’tbeenabletosleepatall，andthenIheardtherabbit，andcouldn’thelpthinkingofwhatitsuffered，tillIfeltImustcomedownandkillit！ButIamsogladyougottherefirst……Theyoughtnottobeallowedtosetthesesteeltraps，oughtthey！’
Judehadreachedthewindow，whichwasquitealowone，sothatshewasvisibledowntoherwaist。Sheletgothecasement-stayandputherhanduponhis，hermoonlitfaceregardinghimwistfully。
`Diditkeepyouawake？’hesaid。
`No-Iwasawake。’
`Howwasthat？’
`Oh，youknow-now！Iknowyou，withyourreligiousdoctrines，thinkthatamarriedwomanintroubleofakindlikeminecommitsamortalsininmakingamantheconfidantofit，asIdidyou。IwishIhadn’t，now！’
`Don’twishit，dear，’hesaid。`Thatmayhavebeenmyview；butmydoctrinesandIbegintopartcompany。’
`Iknewit-Iknewit！Andthat’swhyIvowedIwouldn’tdisturbyourbelief。But-Iamsogladtoseeyou！-and，oh，Ididn’tmeantoseeyouagain，nowthelasttiebetweenus，AuntDrusilla，isdead！’
Judeseizedherhandandkissedit。`Thereisastrongeroneleft！’
hesaid。`I’llnevercareaboutmydoctrinesormyreligionanymore！Letthemgo！Letmehelpyou，evenifIdoloveyou，andevenifyou……’
`Don’tsayit！-Iknowwhatyoumean；butIcan’tadmitsomuchasthat。There！Guesswhatyoulike，butdon’tpressmetoanswerquestions！’
`Iwishyouwerehappy，whateverImaybe！’
`Ican’tbe！Sofewcouldenterintomyfeeling-theywouldsay’twasmyfancifulfastidiousness，orsomethingofthatsort，andcondemnme……Itisnoneofthenaturaltragediesoflovethat’slove’susualtragedyincivilizedlife，butatragedyartificiallymanufacturedforpeoplewhoinanaturalstatewouldfindreliefinparting！……Itwouldhavebeenwrong，perhaps，formetotellmydistresstoyou，ifIhadbeenabletotellittoanybodyelse。ButIhavenobody。AndImusttellsomebody！Jude，beforeImarriedhimIhadneverthoughtoutfullywhatmarriagemeant，eventhoughIknew。Itwasidioticofme-thereisnoexcuse。Iwasoldenough，andIthoughtIwasveryexperienced。SoIrushedon，whenIhadgotintothattrainingschoolscrape，withallthecock-surenessofthefoolthatIwas！……Iamcertainoneoughttobeallowedtoundowhatonehaddonesoignorantly！Idaresayithappenstolotsofwomen，onlytheysubmit，andIkick……Whenpeopleofalateragelookbackuponthebarbarouscustomsandsuperstitionsofthetimesthatwehavetheunhappinesstolivein，whatwilltheysay！’
`Youareverybitter，darlingSue！HowIwish-Iwish——’
`Youmustgoinnow！’
Inamomentofimpulseshebentoverthesill，andlaidherfaceuponhishair，weeping，andthenimprintingascarcelyperceptiblelittlekissuponthetopofhishead，withdrawingquickly，sothathecouldnotputhisarmsroundher，asotherwiseheunquestionablywouldhavedone。
Sheshutthecasement，andhereturnedtohiscottage。
JudetheObscureChapter31IV-iiiSue’sdistressfulconfessionrecurredtoJude’smindallthenightasbeingasorrowindeed。
Themorningafter，whenitwastimeforhertogo，theneighbourssawhercompanionandherselfdisappearingonfootdownthehillpathwhichledintothelonelyroadtoAlfredston。Anhourpassedbeforehereturnedalongthesameroute，andinhisfacetherewasalookofexaltationnotunmixedwithrecklessness。Anincidenthadoccurred。
Theyhadstoodpartinginthesilenthighway，andtheirtenseandpassionatemoodshadledtobewilderedinquiriesofeachotheronhowfartheirintimacyoughttogo；tilltheyhadalmostquarrelled，andshesaidtearfullythatitwashardlyproperofhimasaparsoninembryotothinkofsuchathingaskissinghereveninfarewellashenowwishedtodo。Thenshehadconcededthatthefactofthekisswouldbenothing：
allwoulddependuponthespiritofit。Ifgiveninthespiritofacousinandafriendshesawnoobjection：ifinthespiritofalovershecouldnotpermitit。`Willyouswearthatitwillnotbeinthatspirit？’shehadsaid。
No：hewouldnot。Andthentheyhadturnedfromeachotherinestrangement，andgonetheirseveralways，tillatadistanceoftwentyorthirtyyardsbothhadlookedroundsimultaneously。Thatlookbehindwasfataltothereservehithertomoreorlessmaintained。Theyhadquicklyrunback，andmet，andembracingmostunpremeditatedly，kissedcloseandlong。Whentheypartedforgooditwaswithflushedcheeksonherside，andabeatingheartonhis。
Thekisswasaturning-pointinJude’scareer。Backagaininthecottage，andlefttoreflection，hesawonething：thatthoughhiskissofthataerialbeinghadseemedthepurestmomentofhisfaultfullife，aslongashenourishedthisunlicensedtendernessitwasglaringlyinconsistentforhimtopursuetheideaofbecomingthesoldierandservantofareligioninwhichsexuallovewasregardedasatitsbestafrailty，andatitsworstdamnation。WhatSuehadsaidinwarmthwasreallythecoldtruth。
Whentodefendhisaffectiontoothandnail，topersistwithheadlongforceinimpassionedattentionstoher，wasallhethoughtof，hewascondemnedipsofactoasaprofessoroftheacceptedschoolofmorals。Hewasasunfit，obviously，bynature，ashehadbeenbysocialposition，tofillthepartofapropounderofaccrediteddogma。
Strangethathisfirstaspiration-towardsacademicalproficiency-hadbeencheckedbyawoman，andthathissecondaspiration-towardsapostleship-hadalsobeencheckedbyawoman。`Isit，’hesaid，`thatthewomenaretoblame；orisittheartificialsystemofthings，underwhichthenormalsex-impulsesareturnedintodevilishdomesticginsandspringstonooseandholdbackthosewhowanttoprogress？’
Ithadbeenhisstandingdesiretobecomeaprophet，howeverhumble，tohisstrugglingfellow-creatures，withoutanythoughtofpersonalgain。
Yetwithawifelivingawayfromhimwithanotherhusband，andhimselfinloveerratically，thelovedone’srevoltagainstherstatebeingpossiblyonhisaccount，hehadsunktobebarelyrespectableaccordingtoregulationviews。
Itwasnotforhimtoconsiderfurther：hehadonlytoconfronttheobvious，whichwasthathehadmadehimselfquiteanimpostorasalaw-abidingreligiousteacher。
Atduskthateveninghewentintothegardenanddugashallowhole，towhichhebroughtoutallthetheologicalandethicalworksthathepossessed，andhadstoredhere。Heknewthat，inthiscountryoftruebelievers，mostofthemwerenotsaleableatamuchhigherpricethanwaste-papervalue，andpreferredtogetridoftheminhisownway，evenifheshouldsacrificealittlemoneytothesentimentofthusdestroyingthem。Lightingsomeloosepamphletstobeginwith，hecutthevolumesintopiecesaswellashecould，andwithathree-prongedforkshookthemovertheflames。
Theykindled，andlightedupthebackofthehouse，thepigsty，andhisownface，tilltheyweremoreorlessconsumed。
Thoughhewasalmostastrangerherenow，passingcottagerstalkedtohimoverthegardenhedge。
`Burningupyourawldaunt’srubbidge，Isuppose？Ay；alotgetsheapedupinnooksandcornerswhenyou’velivedeightyyearsinonehouse。’
Itwasnearlyoneo’clockinthemorningbeforetheleaves，covers，andbindingofJeremyTaylor，Butler，Doddridge，Paley，Pusey，Newmanandtheresthadgonetoashes，butthenightwasquiet，andasheturnedandturnedthepapershredswiththefork，thesenseofbeingnolongerahypocritetohimselfaffordedhismindareliefwhichgavehimcalm。Hemightgoonbelievingasbefore，butheprofessednothing，andnolongerownedandexhibitedenginesoffaithwhich，astheirproprietor，hemightnaturallybesupposedtoexerciseonhimselffirstofall。InhispassionforSuehecouldnowstandasanordinarysinner，andnotasawhitedsepulchre。
MeanwhileSue，afterpartingfromhimearlierintheday，hadgonealongtothestation，withtearsinhereyesforhavingrunbackandlethimkissher。Judeoughtnottohavepretendedthathewasnotalover，andmadehergivewaytoanimpulsetoactunconventionally，ifnotwrongly。
Shewasinclinedtocallitthelatter；forSue’slogicwasextraordinarilycompounded，andseemedtomaintainthatbeforeathingwasdoneitmightberighttodo，butthatbeingdoneitbecamewrong；or，inotherwords，thatthingswhichwererightintheorywerewronginpractice。