chapter35
CHAPTERXXXV
HEdidnotleaveforCambridgethenextday，ashehadsaidhewould。Hedeferredhisdepartureawholeweek，andduringthattimehemademefeelwhatseverepunishmentagoodyetstern，aconscientiousyetimplacablemancaninflictononewhohasoffendedhim。Withoutoneovertactofhostility，oneupbraidingwordhecontrivedtoimpressmemomentlywiththeconvictionthatIwasputbeyondthepaleofhisfavour。
NotthatSt。Johnharbouredaspiritofunchristianvindictiveness—
notthathewouldhaveinjuredahairofmyhead，ifithadbeenfullyinhispowertodoso。Bothbynatureandprinciple，hewassuperiortothemeangratificationofvengeance:hehadforgivenmeforsayingIscornedhimandhislove，buthehadnotforgottenthewords;
andaslongasheandIlivedheneverwouldforgetthem。Isawbyhislook，whenheturnedtome，thattheywerealwayswrittenontheairbetweenmeandhim;wheneverIspoke，theysoundedinmyvoicetohisear，andtheirechotonedeveryanswerhegaveme。
Hedidnotabstainfromconversingwithme:heevencalledmeasusualeachmorningtojoinhimathisdesk;andIfearthecorruptmanwithinhimhadapleasureunimpartedto，andunsharedby，thepureChristian，inevincingwithwhatskillhecould，whileactingandspeakingapparentlyjustasusual，extractfromeverydeedandeveryphrasethespiritofinterestandapprovalwhichhadformerlycommunicatedacertainausterecharmtohislanguageandmanner。Tome，hewasinrealitybecomenolongerflesh，butmarble;hiseyewasacold，bright，bluegem;histongueaspeakinginstrument—
nothingmore。
Allthiswastorturetome—refined，lingeringtorture。
Itkeptupaslowfireofindignationandatremblingtroubleofgrief，whichharassedandcrushedmealtogether。Ifelthow—ifIwerehiswife，thisgoodman，pureasthedeepsunlesssource，couldsoonkillme，withoutdrawingfrommyveinsasingledropofblood，orreceivingonhisowncrystalconsciencethefainteststainofcrime。
EspeciallyIfeltthiswhenImadeanyattempttopropitiatehim。Noruthmetmyruth。Heexperiencednosufferingfromestrangement—noyearningafterreconciliation;andthough，morethanonce，myfastfallingtearsblisteredthepageoverwhichwebothbent，theyproducednomoreeffectonhimthanifhishearthadbeenreallyamatterofstoneormetal。Tohissisters，meantime，hewassomewhatkinderthanusual:asifafraidthatmerecoldnesswouldnotsufficientlyconvincemehowcompletelyIwasbanishedandbanned，headdedtheforceofcontrast;andthisIamsurehedidnotbymalice，butonprinciple。
Thenightbeforehelefthome，happeningtoseehimwalkinginthegardenaboutsunset，andremembering，asIlookedathim，thatthisman，alienatedashenowwas，hadoncesavedmylife，andthatwewerenearrelations，Iwasmovedtomakealastattempttoregainhisfriendship。Iwentoutandapproachedhimashestoodleaningoverthelittlegate;Ispoketothepointatonce。
\'St。John，Iamunhappybecauseyouarestillangrywithme。Letusbefriends。\'
\'Ihopewearefriends，\'wastheunmovedreply;whilehestillwatchedtherisingofthemoon，whichhehadbeencontemplatingasI
approached。
\'No，St。John，wearenotfriendsaswewere。Youknowthat。\'
\'Arewenot？Thatiswrong。Formypart，Iwishyounoillandallgood。\'
\'Ibelieveyou，St。John;forIamsureyouareincapableofwishinganyoneill;but，asIamyourkinswoman，Ishoulddesiresomewhatmoreofaffectionthanthatsortofgeneralphilanthropyyouextendtomerestrangers。\'
\'Ofcourse，\'hesaid。\'Yourwishisreasonable，andIamfarfromregardingyouasastranger。\'
This，spokeninacool，tranquiltone，wasmortifyingandbafflingenough。HadIattendedtothesuggestionsofprideandire，I
shouldimmediatelyhavelefthim;butsomethingworkedwithinmemorestronglythanthosefeelingscould。Ideeplyveneratedmycousin\'stalentandprinciple。Hisfriendshipwasofvaluetome:toloseittriedmeseverely。Iwouldnotsosoonrelinquishtheattempttoreconquerit。
\'Mustwepartinthisway，St。John？AndwhenyougotoIndia，willyouleavemeso，withoutakinderwordthanyouhaveyetspoken？\'
Henowturnedquitefromthemoonandfacedme。
\'WhenIgotoIndia，Jane，willIleaveyou！What！doyounotgotoIndia？\'
\'YousaidIcouldnotunlessImarriedyou。\'
\'Andyouwillnotmarryme！Youadheretothatresolution？\'
Reader，doyouknow，asIdo，whatterrorthosecoldpeoplecanputintotheiceoftheirquestions？Howmuchofthefalloftheavalancheisintheiranger？ofthebreakingupofthefrozenseaintheirdispleasure？
\'No，St。John，Iwillnotmarryyou。Iadheretomyresolution。\'
Theavalanchehadshakenandslidalittleforward，butitdidnotyetcrashdown。
\'Oncemore，whythisrefusal？\'heasked。
\'Formerly，\'Ianswered，\'becauseyoudidnotloveme;now，Ireply，becauseyoualmosthateme。IfIweretomarryyou，youwouldkillme。
Youarekillingmenow。\'
Hislipsandcheeksturnedwhite—quitewhite。
\'Ishouldkillyou—Iamkillingyou？Yourwordsaresuchasoughtnottobeused:violent，unfeminine，anduntrue。Theybetrayanunfortunatestateofmind:theymeritseverereproof:theywouldseeminexcusable，butthatitisthedutyofmantoforgivehisfellowevenuntilseventy—and—seventimes。\'
Ihadfinishedthebusinessnow。Whileearnestlywishingtoerasefromhismindthetraceofmyformeroffence，Ihadstampedonthattenacioussurfaceanotherandfardeeperimpression:Ihadburntitin。
\'Nowyouwillindeedhateme，\'Isaid。\'Itisuselesstoattempttoconciliateyou:IseeIhavemadeaneternalenemyofyou。\'
Afreshwrongdidthesewordsinflict:theworse，becausetheytouchedonthetruth。Thatbloodlesslipquiveredtoatemporaryspasm。IknewthesteelyireIhadwhetted。Iwasheart—wrung。
\'Youutterlymisinterpretmywords，\'Isaid，atonceseizinghishand:\'Ihavenointentiontogrieveorpainyou—indeed，Ihavenot。\'
Mostbitterlyhesmiled—mostdecidedlyhewithdrewhishandfrommine。\'Andnowyourecallyourpromise，andwillnotgotoIndiaatall，Ipresume？\'saidhe，afteraconsiderablepause。
\'Yes，Iwill，asyourassistant，\'Ianswered。
Averylongsilencesucceeded。WhatstruggletherewasinhimbetweenNatureandGraceinthisinterval，Icannottell:onlysingulargleamsscintillatedinhiseyes，andstrangeshadowspassedoverhisface。Hespokeatlast。
\'Ibeforeprovedtoyoutheabsurdityofasinglewomanofyourageproposingtoaccompanyabroadasinglemanofmine。Iprovedittoyouinsuchtermsas，Ishouldhavethought，wouldhavepreventedyoureveragainalludingtotheplan。Thatyouhavedoneso，Iregret—
foryoursake。\'
Iinterruptedhim。Anythinglikeatangiblereproachgavemecourageatonce。\'Keeptocommonsense，St。John:youarevergingonnonsense。YoupretendtobeshockedbywhatIhavesaid。Youarenotreallyshocked:for，withyoursuperiormind，youcannotbeeithersodullorsoconceitedastomisunderstandmymeaning。Isayagain，I
willbeyourcurate，ifyoulike，butneveryourwife。\'
Againheturnedlividlypale;but，asbefore，controlledhispassionperfectly。Heansweredemphaticallybutcalmly—
\'Afemalecurate，whoisnotmywife，wouldneversuitme。Withme，then，itseems，youcannotgo:butifyouaresincereinyouroffer，I
will，whileintown，speaktoamarriedmissionary，whosewifeneedsacoadjutor。YourownfortunewillmakeyouindependentoftheSociety\'said;andthusyoumaystillbesparedthedishonourofbreakingyourpromiseanddesertingthebandyouengagedtojoin。\'
NowIneverhad，asthereaderknows，eithergivenanyformalpromiseorenteredintoanyengagement;andthislanguagewasallmuchtoohardandmuchtoodespoticfortheoccasion。Ireplied—
\'Thereisnodishonour，nobreachofpromise，nodesertioninthecase。IamnotundertheslightestobligationtogotoIndia，especiallywithstrangers。WithyouIwouldhaveventuredmuch，becauseIadmire，confidein，and，asasister，Iloveyou;butIamconvincedthat，gowhenandwithwhomIwould，Ishouldnotlivelonginthatclimate。\'
\'Ah！youareafraidofyourself，\'hesaid，curlinghislip。
\'Iam。Goddidnotgivememylifetothrowaway;andtodoasyouwishmewould，Ibegintothink，bealmostequivalenttocommittingsuicide。Moreover，beforeIdefinitelyresolveonquittingEngland，IwillknowforcertainwhetherIcannotbeofgreaterusebyremaininginitthanbyleavingit。\'
\'Whatdoyoumean？\'
\'Itwouldbefruitlesstoattempttoexplain;butthereisapointonwhichIhavelongenduredpainfuldoubt，andIcangonowheretillbysomemeansthatdoubtisremoved。\'
\'Iknowwhereyourheartturnsandtowhatitclings。Theinterestyoucherishislawlessandunconsecrated。Longsinceyououghttohavecrushedit:nowyoushouldblushtoalludetoit。YouthinkofMr。Rochester？\'
Itwastrue。Iconfesseditbysilence。
\'AreyougoingtoseekMr。Rochester？\'
\'Imustfindoutwhatisbecomeofhim。\'
\'Itremainsforme，then，\'hesaid，\'torememberyouinmyprayers，andtoentreatGodforyou，inallearnestness，thatyoumaynotindeedbecomeacastaway。IhadthoughtIrecognisedinyouoneofthechosen。ButGodseesnotasmansees:Hiswillbedone。\'
Heopenedthegate，passedthroughit，andstrayedawaydowntheglen。Hewassoonoutofsight。
Onre—enteringtheparlour，IfoundDianastandingatthewindow，lookingverythoughtful。DianawasagreatdealtallerthanI:。sheputherhandonmyshoulder，and，stooping，examinedmyface。
\'Jane，\'shesaid，\'youarealwaysagitatedandpalenow。
Iamsurethereissomethingthematter。TellmewhatbusinessSt。Johnandyouhaveonhands。Ihavewatchedyouthishalfhourfromthewindow;youmustforgivemybeingsuchaspy，butforalongtimeI
havefanciedIhardlyknowwhat。St。Johnisastrangebeing—\'
Shepaused—Ididnotspeak:soonsheresumed—
\'Thatbrotherofminecherishespeculiarviewsofsomesortrespectingyou，Iamsure:hehaslongdistinguishedyoubyanoticeandinteresthenevershowedtoanyoneelse—towhatend？Iwishhelovedyou—doeshe，Jane？\'
Iputhercoolhandtomyhotforehead;\'No，Die，notonewhit。\'
\'Thenwhydoeshefollowyousowithhiseyes，andgetyousofrequentlyalonewithhim，andkeepyousocontinuallyathisside？
MaryandIhadbothconcludedhewishedyoutomarryhim。\'
\'Hedoes—hehasaskedmetobehiswife。\'
Dianaclappedherhands。\'Thatisjustwhatwehopedandthought！
Andyouwillmarryhim，Jane，won\'tyou？AndthenhewillstayinEngland。\'
\'Farfromthat，Diana;hissoleideainproposingtomeistoprocureafittingfellow—labourerinhisIndiantoils。\'
\'What！HewishesyoutogotoIndia？\'
\'Yes。\'
\'Madness！\'sheexclaimed。\'Youwouldnotlivethreemonthsthere，I
amcertain。Younevershallgo:youhavenotconsented，haveyou，Jane？\'
\'Ihaverefusedtomarryhim—\'
\'Andhaveconsequentlydispleasedhim？\'shesuggested。
\'Deeply:hewillneverforgiveme，Ifear:yetIofferedtoaccompanyhimashissister。\'
\'Itwasfranticfollytodoso，Jane。Thinkofthetaskyouundertook—oneofincessantfatigue，wherefatiguekillseventhestrong，andyouareweak。St。John—youknowhim—wouldurgeyoutoimpossibilities:withhimtherewouldbenopermissiontorestduringthehothours;andunfortunately，Ihavenoticed，whateverheexacts，youforceyourselftoperform。Iamastonishedyoufoundcouragetorefusehishand。Youdonotlovehimthen，Jane？\'
\'Notasahusband。\'
\'Yetheisahandsomefellow。\'
\'AndIamsoplain，yousee，Die。Weshouldneversuit。\'
\'Plain！You？Notatall。Youaremuchtoopretty，aswellastoogood，tobegrilledaliveinCalcutta。\'Andagainsheearnestlyconjuredmetogiveupallthoughtsofgoingoutwithherbrother。
\'Imustindeed，\'Isaid;\'forwhenjustnowIrepeatedtheofferofservinghimforadeacon，heexpressedhimselfshockedatmywantofdecency。HeseemedtothinkIhadcommittedanimproprietyinproposingtoaccompanyhimunmarried:asifIhadnotfromthefirsthopedtofindinhimabrother，andhabituallyregardedhimassuch。\'
\'Whatmakesyousayhedoesnotloveyou，Jane？\'
\'Youshouldhearhimselfonthesubject。Hehasagainandagainexplainedthatitisnothimself，buthisofficehewishestomate。
HehastoldmeIamformedforlabour—notforlove:whichistrue，nodoubt。But，inmyopinion，ifIamnotformedforlove，itfollowsthatIamnotformedformarriage。Woulditnotbestrange，Die，tobechainedforlifetoamanwhoregardedonebutasausefultool？\'
\'Insupportable—unnatural—outofthequestion！\'
\'Andthen，\'Icontinued，\'thoughIhaveonlysisterlyaffectionforhimnow，yet，ifforcedtobehiswife，Icanimaginethepossibilityofconceivinganinevitable，strange，torturingkindofloveforhim，becauseheissotalented;andthereisoftenacertainheroicgrandeurinhislook，manner，andconversation。Inthatcase，mylotwouldbecomeunspeakablywretched。Hewouldnotwantmetolovehim;andifIshowedthefeeling，hewouldmakemesensiblethatitwasasuperfluity，unrequiredbyhim，unbecominginme。Iknowhewould。\'
\'AndyetSt。Johnisagoodman，\'saidDiana。
\'Heisagoodandagreatman;butheforgets，pitilessly，thefeelingsandclaimsoflittlepeople，inpursuinghisownlargeviews。
Itisbetter，therefore，fortheinsignificanttokeepoutofhisway，lest，inhisprogress，heshouldtramplethemdown。Herehecomes！I
willleaveyou，Diana。\'AndIhastenedupstairsasIsawhimenteringthegarden。
ButIwasforcedtomeethimagainatsupper。Duringthatmealheappearedjustascomposedasusual。Ihadthoughthewouldhardlyspeaktome，andIwascertainhehadgivenupthepursuitofhismatrimonialscheme:thesequelshowedIwasmistakenonbothpoints。
Headdressedmepreciselyinhisordinarymanner，orwhathad，oflate，beenhisordinarymanner—onescrupulouslypolite。NodoubthehadinvokedthehelpoftheHolySpirittosubduetheangerIhadrousedinhim，andnowbelievedhehadforgivenmeoncemore。
Fortheeveningreadingbeforeprayers，heselectedthetwenty—firstchapterofRevelation。ItwasatalltimespleasanttolistenwhilefromhislipsfellthewordsoftheBible:neverdidhisfinevoicesoundatoncesosweetandfull—neverdidhismannerbecomesoimpressiveinitsnoblesimplicity，aswhenhedeliveredtheoraclesofGod:andto—nightthatvoicetookamoresolemntone—
thatmanneramorethrillingmeaning—ashesatinthemidstofhishouseholdcircle（theMaymoonshininginthroughtheuncurtainedwindow，andrenderingalmostunnecessarythelightofthecandleonthetable）:ashesatthere，bendingoverthegreatoldBible，anddescribedfromitspagethevisionofthenewheavenandthenewearth—toldhowGodwouldcometodwellwithmen，howHewouldwipeawayalltearsfromtheireyes，andpromisedthatthereshouldbenomoredeath，neithersorrownorcrying，noranymorepain，becausetheformerthingswerepassedaway。
Thesucceedingwordsthrilledmestrangelyashespokethem:
especiallyasIfelt，bytheslight，indescribablealterationinsound，thatinutteringthem，hiseyehadturnedonme。
\'Hethatovercomethshallinheritallthings;andIwillbehisGod，andheshallbemyson。But，\'wasslowly，distinctlyread，\'thefearful，theunbelieving，etc。，shallhavetheirpartinthelakewhichburnethwithfireandbrimstone，whichistheseconddeath。\'
Henceforward，IknewwhatfateSt。Johnfearedforme。
Acalm，subduedtriumph，blentwithalongingearnestness，markedhisenunciationofthelastgloriousversesofthatchapter。ThereaderbelievedhisnamewasalreadywrittenintheLamb\'sbookoflife，andheyearnedafterthehourwhichshouldadmithimtothecitytowhichthekingsoftheearthbringtheirgloryandhonour;whichhasnoneedofsunormoontoshineinit，becausethegloryofGodlightensit，andtheLambisthelightthereof。
Intheprayerfollowingthechapter，allhisenergygathered—
allhissternzealwoke:hewasindeepearnest，wrestlingwithGod，andresolvedonaconquest。Hesupplicatedstrengthfortheweak—hearted;guidanceforwanderersfromthefold:areturn，evenattheeleventhhour，forthosewhomthetemptationsoftheworldandthefleshwereluringfromthenarrowpath。Heasked，heurged，heclaimedtheboonofabrandsnatchedfromtheburning。Earnestnessiseverdeeplysolemn:first，asIlistenedtothatprayer，Iwonderedathis;then，whenitcontinuedandrose，Iwastouchedbyit，andatlastawed。Hefeltthegreatnessandgoodnessofhispurposesosincerely:otherswhoheardhimpleadforit，couldnotbutfeelittoo。
Theprayerover，wetookleaveofhim:hewastogoataveryearlyhourinthemorning。DianaandMaryhavingkissedhim，lefttheroom—incompliance，Ithink，withawhisperedhintfromhim:I
tenderedmyhand，andwishedhimapleasantjourney。
\'Thankyou，Jane。AsIsaid，IshallreturnfromCambridgeinafortnight:thatspace，then，isyetleftyouforreflection。IfI
listenedtohumanpride，Ishouldsaynomoretoyouofmarriagewithme;butIlistentomyduty，andkeepsteadilyinviewmyfirstaim—todoallthingstothegloryofGod。MyMasterwaslong—suffering:sowillIbe。Icannotgiveyouuptoperditionasavesselofwrath:repent—resolve，whilethereisyettime。Remember，wearebidtoworkwhileitisday—warnedthat\"thenightcomethwhennomanshallwork。\"RememberthefateofDives，whohadhisgoodthingsinthislife。Godgiveyoustrengthtochoosethatbetterpartwhichshallnotbetakenfromyou！\'
Helaidhishandonmyheadasheutteredthelastwords。
Hehadspokenearnestly，mildly:hislookwasnot，indeed，thatofaloverbeholdinghismistress，butitwasthatofapastorrecallinghiswanderingsheep—orbetter，ofaguardianangelwatchingthesoulforwhichheisresponsible。Allmenoftalent，whethertheybemenoffeelingornot;whethertheybezealots，oraspirants，ordespots—
providedonlytheybesincere—havetheirsublimemoments，whentheysubdueandrule。IfeltvenerationforSt。John—venerationsostrongthatitsimpetusthrustmeatoncetothepointIhadsolongshunned。Iwastemptedtoceasestrugglingwithhim—torushdownthetorrentofhiswillintothegulfofhisexistence，andtherelosemyown。IwasalmostashardbesetbyhimnowasIhadbeenoncebefore，inadifferentway，byanother。Iwasafoolbothtimes。Tohaveyieldedthenwouldhavebeenanerrorofprinciple;tohaveyieldednowwouldhavebeenanerrorofjudgment。SoIthinkatthishour，whenIlookbacktothecrisisthroughthequietmediumoftime:
Iwasunconsciousoffollyattheinstant。
Istoodmotionlessundermyhierophant\'stouch。Myrefusalswereforgotten—myfearsovercome—mywrestlingsparalysed。TheImpossible—
i。e。，mymarriagewithSt。John—wasfastbecomingthePossible。Allwaschangingutterlywithasuddensweep。Religioncalled—Angelsbeckoned—Godcommanded—liferolledtogetherlikeascroll—death\'sgatesopening，showedeternitybeyond:itseemed，thatforsafetyandblissthere，allheremightbesacrificedinasecond。Thedimroomwasfullofvisions。
\'Couldyoudecidenow？\'askedthemissionary。Theinquirywasputingentletones:hedrewmetohimasgently。Oh，thatgentleness！howfarmorepotentisitthanforce！IcouldresistSt。John\'swrath:I
grewpliantasareedunderhiskindness。YetIknewallthetime，ifIyieldednow，Ishouldnotthelessbemadetorepent，someday，ofmyformerrebellion。Hisnaturewasnotchangedbyonehourofsolemnprayer:itwasonlyelevated。
\'IcoulddecideifIwerebutcertain，\'Ianswered:\'wereIbutconvincedthatitisGod\'swillIshouldmarryyou，Icouldvowtomarryyouhereandnow—comeafterwardswhatwould！\'
\'Myprayersareheard！\'ejaculatedSt。John。Hepressedhishandfirmeronmyhead，asifheclaimedme:hesurroundedmewithhisarm，almostasifhelovedme（Isayalmost—Iknewthedifference—forI
hadfeltwhatitwastobeloved;but，likehim，Ihadnowputloveoutofthequestion，andthoughtonlyofduty）。Icontendedwithmyinwarddimnessofvision，beforewhichcloudsyetrolled。Isincerely，deeply，ferventlylongedtodowhatwasright;andonlythat。\'Showme，showmethepath！\'IentreatedofHeaven。IwasexcitedmorethanIhadeverbeen;andwhetherwhatfollowedwastheeffectofexcitementthereadershalljudge。
Allthehousewasstill;forIbelieveall，exceptSt。
Johnandmyself，werenowretiredtorest。Theonecandlewasdyingout:theroomwasfullofmoonlight。Myheartbeatfastandthick:Ihearditsthrob。Suddenlyitstoodstilltoaninexpressiblefeelingthatthrilleditthrough，andpassedatoncetomyheadandextremities。
Thefeelingwasnotlikeanelectricshock，butitwasquiteassharp，asstrange，asstartling:itactedonmysensesasiftheirutmostactivityhithertohadbeenbuttorpor，fromwhichtheywerenowsummonedandforcedtowake。Theyroseexpectant:eyeandearwaitedwhilethefleshquiveredonmybones。
\'Whathaveyouheard？Whatdoyousee？\'askedSt。John。
Isawnothing，butIheardavoicesomewherecry—
\'Jane！Jane！Jane！\'—nothingmore。
\'OGod！whatisit？\'Igasped。
Imighthavesaid，\'Whereisit？\'foritdidnotseemintheroom—norinthehouse—norinthegarden;itdidnotcomeoutoftheair—norfromundertheearth—norfromoverhead。Ihadheardit—where，orwhence，foreverimpossibletoknow！Anditwasthevoiceofahumanbeing—aknown，loved，well—rememberedvoice—thatofEdwardFairfaxRochester;anditspokeinpainandwoe，wildly，eerily，urgently。
\'Iamcoming！\'Icried。\'Waitforme！Oh，Iwillcome！\'
Iflewtothedoorandlookedintothepassage:itwasdark。Iranoutintothegarden:itwasvoid。
\'Whereareyou？\'Iexclaimed。
ThehillsbeyondMarshGlensenttheanswerfaintlyback—
\'Whereareyou？\'Ilistened。Thewindsighedlowinthefirs:allwasmoorlandlonelinessandmidnighthush。
\'Downsuperstition！\'Icommented，asthatspectreroseupblackbytheblackyewatthegate。\'Thisisnotthydeception，northywitchcraft:itistheworkofnature。Shewasroused，anddid—nomiracle—butherbest。\'
IbrokefromSt。John，whohadfollowed，andwouldhavedetainedme。Itwasmytimetoassumeascendency。Mypowerswereinplayandinforce。Itoldhimtoforbearquestionorremark;Idesiredhimtoleaveme:Imustandwouldbealone。Heobeyedatonce。Wherethereisenergytocommandwellenough，obedienceneverfails。Imountedtomychamber;lockedmyselfin;fellonmyknees;andprayedinmyway—adifferentwaytoSt。John\'s，buteffectiveinitsownfashion。IseemedtopenetrateverynearaMightySpirit;andmysoulrushedoutingratitudeatHisfeet。Irosefromthethanksgiving—tookaresolve—andlaydown，unscared，enlightened—
eagerbutforthedaylight。
chapter36CHAPTERXXXVI
THEdaylightcame。Iroseatdawn。Ibusiedmyselfforanhourortwowitharrangingmythingsinmychamber，drawers，andwardrobe，intheorderwhereinIshouldwishtoleavethemduringabriefabsence。Meantime，IheardSt。Johnquithisroom。Hestoppedatmydoor:Ifearedhewouldknock—no，butaslipofpaperwaspassedunderthedoor。Itookitup。Itborethesewords—
\'Youleftmetoosuddenlylastnight。Hadyoustayedbutalittlelonger，youwouldhavelaidyourhandontheChristian\'scrossandtheangel\'scrown。IshallexpectyourcleardecisionwhenIreturnthisdayfortnight。Meantime，watchandpraythatyouenternotintotemptation:thespirit，Itrust，iswilling，buttheflesh，Isee，isweak。Ishallprayforyouhourly。—Yours，ST。JOHN。\'
\'Myspirit，\'Iansweredmentally，\'iswillingtodowhatisright;andmyflesh，Ihope，isstrongenoughtoaccomplishthewillofHeaven，whenoncethatwillisdistinctlyknowntome。Atanyrate，itshallbestrongenoughtosearch—inquire—togropeanoutletfromthiscloudofdoubt，andfindtheopendayofcertainty。\'
ItwasthefirstofJune;yetthemorningwasovercastandchilly:rainbeatfastonmycasement。Iheardthefront—dooropen，andSt。Johnpassout。Lookingthroughthewindow，Isawhimtraversethegarden。HetookthewayoverthemistymoorsinthedirectionofWhitcross—therehewouldmeetthecoach。
\'InafewmorehoursIshallsucceedyouinthattrack，cousin，\'
thoughtI:\'ItoohaveacoachtomeetatWhitcross。ItoohavesometoseeandaskafterinEngland，beforeIdepartforever。\'
Itwantedyettwohoursofbreakfast—time。Ifilledtheintervalinwalkingsoftlyaboutmyroom，andponderingthevisitationwhichhadgivenmyplanstheirpresentbent。IrecalledthatinwardsensationIhadexperienced:forIcouldrecallit，withallitsunspeakablestrangeness。IrecalledthevoiceIhadheard;againIquestionedwhenceitcame，asvainlyasbefore:itseemedinme—notintheexternalworld。Iaskedwasitamerenervousimpression—adelusion？Icouldnotconceiveorbelieve:itwasmorelikeaninspiration。ThewondrousshockoffeelinghadcomeliketheearthquakewhichshookthefoundationsofPaulandSilas\'sprison;
ithadopenedthedoorsofthesoul\'scellandlooseditsbands—ithadwakeneditoutofitssleep，whenceitsprangtrembling，listening，aghast;thenvibratedthriceacryonmystartledear，andinmyquakingheartandthroughmyspirit，whichneitherfearednorshookbutexultedasifinjoyoverthesuccessofoneeffortithadbeenprivilegedtomake，independentofthecumbrousbody。
\'Eremanydays，\'Isaid，asIterminatedmymusings，\'I
willknowsomethingofhimwhosevoiceseemedlastnighttosummonme。Lettershaveprovedofnoavail—personalinquiryshallreplacethem。\'
AtbreakfastIannouncedtoDianaandMarythatIwasgoingajourney，andshouldbeabsentatleastfourdays。
\'Alone，Jane？\'theyasked。
\'Yes;itwastoseeorhearnewsofafriendaboutwhomIhadforsometimebeenuneasy。\'
Theymighthavesaid，asIhavenodoubttheythought，thattheyhadbelievedmetobewithoutanyfriendssavethem:for，indeed，I
hadoftensaidso;but，withtheirtruenaturaldelicacy，theyabstainedfromcomment，exceptthatDianaaskedmeifIwassureIwaswellenoughtotravel。Ilookedverypale，sheobserved。Ireplied，thatnothingailedmesaveanxietyofmind，whichIhopedsoontoalleviate。
Itwaseasytomakemyfurtherarrangements;forIwastroubledwithnoinquiries—nosurmises。HavingonceexplainedtothemthatI
couldnotnowbeexplicitaboutmyplans，theykindlyandwiselyacquiescedinthesilencewithwhichIpursuedthem，accordingtometheprivilegeoffreeactionIshouldundersimilarcircumstanceshaveaccordedthem。