CHAPTERVIII
OnCantingNonsense。
THEwriternowwishestosaysomethingonthesubjectofcantingnonsense，ofwhichthereisagreatdealinEngland。
TherearevariouscantsinEngland，amongstwhichisthereligiouscant。Heisnotgoingtodiscussthesubjectofreligiouscant：lest，however，heshouldbemisunderstood，hebegsleavetorepeatthatheisasincerememberoftheChurchofEngland，inwhichhebelievesthereismorereligion，andconsequentlylesscant，thaninanyotherchurchintheworld；norishegoingtodiscussmanyothercants；heshallcontenthimselfwithsayingsomethingabouttwo—thetemperancecantandtheunmanlycant。Temperancecanterssaythat\"itisunlawfultodrinkaglassofale。\"
Unmanlycanterssaythat\"itisunlawfultouseone’sfists。\"
Thewriterbegsleavetotellboththesespeciesofcantersthattheydonotspeakwordsoftruth。
Itisverylawfultotakeacupofale，orwine，forthepurposeofcheeringorinvigoratingyourselfwhenyouarefaintanddown—hearted；andlikewisetogiveacupofaleorwinetootherswhentheyareinasimilarcondition。TheHolyScripturesayethnothingtothecontrary，butratherencouragethpeopleinsodoingbythetext，\"Winemakethgladtheheartofman。\"Butitisnotlawfultointoxicateyourselfwithfrequentcupsofaleorwine，nortomakeothersintoxicated，nordoestheHolyScripturesayitis。
TheHolyScripturenomoresaysthatitislawfultointoxicateyourselforothers，thanitsaysthatitisunlawfultotakeacupofaleorwineyourself，ortogiveonetoothers。NoahisnotcommendedintheScriptureformakinghimselfdrunkenonthewinehebrewed。NorisitsaidthattheSaviour，whenhesuppliedtheguestswithfirst—ratewineatthemarriage—feast，toldthemtomakethemselvesdrunkuponit。Heissaidtohavesuppliedthemwithfirst—
ratewine，butHedoubtlessleftthequantitywhicheachshoulddrinktoeachparty’sreasonanddiscretion。Whenyousetagooddinnerbeforeyourguests，youdonotexpectthattheyshouldgorgethemselveswiththevictualsyousetbeforethem。Winemaybeabused，andsomayalegofmutton。
Second。Itislawfulforanyonetousehisfistsinhisowndefence，orinthedefenceofothers，providedtheycan’thelpthemselves；butitisnotlawfultousethemforpurposesoftyrannyorbrutality。Ifyouareattackedbyaruffian，astheelderlyindividualinLavengroisintheinn—
yard，itisquitelawful，ifyoucan，togivehimasgoodathrashingastheelderlyindividualgavethebrutalcoachman；
andifyouseeahelplesswoman—perhapsyourownsister—
setuponbyadrunkenlord，adrunkencoachman，oradrunkencoalheaver，orabruteofanydescription，eitherdrunkorsober，itisnotonlylawfulbutlaudable，togivethem，ifyoucan，agooddrubbing；butitisnotlawfulbecauseyouhaveastrongpairoffists，andknowhowtousethem，togoswaggeringthroughafair，jostlingagainstunoffendingindividuals；shouldyoudoso，youwouldbeservedquiterightifyouweretogetadrubbing，moreparticularlyifyouwereservedoutbysomeonelessstrong，butmoreskilfulthanyourself—evenasthecoachmanwasservedoutbyapupiloftheimmortalBroughton—sixtyyearsold，itistrue，butpossessedofBroughton’sguardandchop。MosesisnotblamedintheScripturefortakingpartwiththeoppressed，andkillinganEgyptianpersecutor。WearenottoldhowMoseskilledtheEgyptian；butitisquiteascreditabletoMosestosupposethathekilledtheEgyptianbygivinghimabuffetundertheleftear，asbystabbinghimwithaknife。ItistruethattheSaviourintheNewTestamenttellsHisdisciplestoturntheleftcheektobesmitten，aftertheyhadreceivedablowontheright；butHewasspeakingtopeopledivinelyinspired，orwhomHeintendeddivinelytoinspire—peopleselectedbyGodforaparticularpurpose。Helikewisetellsthesepeopletopartwithvariousarticlesofraimentwhenaskedforthem，andtogoa—
travellingwithoutmoney，andtakenothoughtofthemorrow。
Arethoseexhortationscarriedoutbyverygoodpeopleinthepresentday？DoQuakers，whensmittenontherightcheek，turnthelefttothesmiter？Whenaskedfortheircoat，dotheysay，\"Friend，takemyshirtalso？\"HastheDeanofSalisburynopurse？DoestheArchbishopofCanterburygotoaninn，runupareckoning，andthensaytohislandlady，\"Mistress，Ihavenocoin？\"AssuredlytheDeanhasapurse，andatolerablywell—filledone；and，assuredly，theArchbishop，ondepartingfromaninn，notonlysettleshisreckoning，butleavessomethinghandsomefortheservants，anddoesnotsaythatheisforbiddenbythegospeltopayforwhathehaseaten，orthetroublehehasgiven，asacertainSpanishcavaliersaidhewasforbiddenbythestatutesofchivalry。Now，totakethepartofyourself，orthepartoftheoppressed，withyourfists，isquiteaslawfulinthepresentdayasitistorefuseyourcoatandshirtalsotoanyvagabondwhomayaskforthem，andnottorefusetopayforsupper，bed，andbreakfast，attheFeathers，oranyotherinn，afteryouhavehadthebenefitofallthree。
TheconductofLavengrowithrespecttodrinkmay，uponthewhole，serveasamodel。Heisnodrunkard，norishefondofintoxicatingotherpeople；yetwhenthehorrorsareuponhimhehasnoobjectiontogotoapublic—houseandcallforapintofale，nordoesheshrinkfromrecommendingaletootherswhentheyarefaintanddowncast。Inoneinstance，itistrue，hedoeswhatcannotbeexactlyjustified；heencouragesthePriestinthedingle，inmoreinstancesthanone，indrinkingmorehollandsandwaterthanisconsistentwithdecorum。Hehasamotiveindeedindoingso；adesiretolearnfromtheknaveinhiscupstheplansandhopesofthePropagandaofRome。Suchconduct，however，wasinconsistentwithstrictfairdealingandopenness；andtheauthoradvisesallthosewhoseconsciencesneverreproachthemforasingleunfairorcovertactcommittedbythem，toabusehimheartilyforadministeringhollandsandwatertothePriestofRome。Inthatinstancetheheroiscertainlywrong；yetinallothercaseswithregardtodrink，heismanifestlyright。Totellpeoplethattheyarenevertodrinkaglassofaleorwinethemselves，ortogiveonetoothers，iscant；andthewriterhasnotolerationforcantofanydescription。Somecantsarenotdangerous；butthewriterbelievesthatamoredangerouscantthanthetemperancecant，orasitisgenerallycalled，teetotalism，isscarcelytobefound。Thewriteriswillingtobelievethatitoriginatedwithwellmeaning，thoughweakpeople；buttherecanbenodoubtthatitwasquicklyturnedtoaccountbypeoplewhowereneitherwellmeaningnorweak。LetthereadernoteparticularlythepurposetowhichthiscryhasbeenturnedinAmerica；theland，indeed，parexcellence，ofhumbugandhumbugcries。Itistherecontinuallyinthemouthofthemostviolentpoliticalparty，andismadeaninstrumentofalmostunexampledpersecution。Thewriterwouldsaymoreonthetemperancecant，bothinEnglandandAmerica，butwantofspacepreventshim。Thereisonepointonwhichhecannotavoidmakingafewbriefremarks—thatis，theinconsistentconductofitsapostlesingeneral。Theteetotalapostlesays，itisadreadfulthingtobedrunk。
Soitis，teetotaller；butifso，whydoyougetdrunk？I
getdrunk？Yes，unhappyman，whydoyougetdrunkonsmokeandpassion？WhyareyourgarmentsimpregnatedwiththeodouroftheIndianweed？Whyisthereapipeoracigaralwaysinyourmouth？WhyisyourlanguagemoredreadfulthanthatofaPoissarde？Tobacco—smokeismoredeleteriousthanale，teetotaller；bilemorepotentthanbrandy。Youarefondoftellingyourhearerswhatanawfulthingitistodiedrunken。Soitis，teetotaller。Thentakegoodcarethatyoudonotdiewithsmokeandpassion，drunken，andwithtemperancelanguageonyourlips；thatis，abuseandcalumnyagainstallthosewhodifferfromyou。Onewordofsenseyouhavebeenheardtosay，whichis，thatspiritsmaybetakenasamedicine。Nowyouareinafeverofpassion，teetotaller；so，praytakethistumblerofbrandy；takeitonthehomoeopathicprinciple，thatheatistobeexpelledbyheat。Youareinatemperancefury，soswallowthecontentsofthistumbler，anditwill，perhaps，cureyou。Youlookattheglasswistfully—youoccasionallytakeaglassmedicinally—anditisprobableyoudo。Takeonenow。
Considerwhatadreadfulthingitwouldbetodiepassiondrunk；toappearbeforeyourMakerwithintemperatelanguageonyourlips。That’sright！Youdon’tseemtowinceatthebrandy。That’sright！—welldone！Alldownintwopulls。
Nowyoulooklikeareasonablebeing！
IftheconductofLavengrowithretardtodrinkisopentolittlecensure，assuredlytheusewhichhemakesofhisfistsisentitledtononeatall。Becausehehasapairoftolerablystrongfists，andknowstoacertainextenthowtousethem，isheaswaggereroroppressor？Towhatillaccountdoesheturnthem？Whomorequiet，gentle，andinoffensivethanhe？Hebeatsoffaruffianwhoattackshiminadingle；hasakindoffriendlytuzzlewithMr。
Petulengro，andbeholdtheextentofhisfisticexploits。
Ay，butheassociateswithprize—fighters；andthatveryfellow，Petulengro，isaprize—fighter，andhasfoughtforastakeinaring。Well，andifhehadnotassociatedwithprize—fighters，howcouldhehaveusedhisfists？Oh，anybodycanusehisfistsinhisowndefence，withoutbeingtaughtbyprize—fighters。Canthey？ThenwhydoesnottheItalian，orSpaniard，orAffghanusehisfistswheninsultedoroutraged，insteadofhavingrecoursetotheweaponswhichhehasrecourseto？Nobodycanusehisfistswithoutbeingtaughttheuseofthembythosewhohavethemselvesbeentaught，nomorethananyonecan\"whiffle\"withoutbeingtaughtbyamasteroftheart。Nowletanymanofthepresentdaytrytowhiffle。Wouldnotanyonewhowishedtowhifflehavetogotoamasteroftheart？Assuredly！butwherewouldhefindoneatthepresentday？Thelastofthewhifflershangedhimselfaboutafortnightagoonabell—ropeinachurchsteepleof\"theoldtown，\"frompuregriefthattherewasnofurtherdemandfortheexhibitionofhisart，therebeingnodemandforwhifflingsincethediscontinuationofGuildhallbanquets。Whifflingislost。Theoldchaplefthisswordbehindhim；letanyonetakeuptheoldchap’sswordandtrytowhiffle。Nowmuchthesamehandashewouldmakewhoshouldtakeupthewhiffler’sswordandtrytowhiffle，wouldhewhoshouldtrytousehisfistswhohadneverhadtheadvantageofamaster。Letnoonethinkthatmenusetheirfistsnaturallyintheirowndisputes—menhavenaturallyrecoursetoanyotherthingtodefendthemselvesortooffendothers；theyflytothestick，tothestone，tothemurderousandcowardlyknife，ortoabuseascowardlyastheknife，andoccasionallymoremurderous。Nowwhichisbestwhenyouhateaperson，orhaveapiqueagainstaperson，toclenchyourfistandsay\"Comeon，\"ortohaverecoursetothestone，theknife，—ormurderouscalumny？
TheuseofthefistisalmostlostinEngland。Yetarethepeoplebetterthantheywerewhentheyknewhowtousetheirfists？Thewriterbelievesnot。Afistycombatisatpresentagreatrarity，buttheuseoftheknife，thenoose，andofpoison，tosaynothingofcalumny，areofmorefrequentoccurrenceinEnglandthanperhapsinanycountryinEurope。Ispolitetastebetterthanwhenitcouldbearthedetailsofafight？Thewriterbelievesnot。Twomencannotmeetinaringtosettleadisputeinamanlymannerwithoutsometrumperylocalnewspaperlettinglooseavolleyofabuseagainst\"thedisgracefulexhibition，\"inwhichabuseitissuretobesanctionedbyitsdaintyreaders；whereassomemurderoushorror，thediscoveryforexampleofthemangledremainsofawomaninsomeobscureden，isgreedilyseizedholdofbythemoraljournal，anddressedupforitsreaders，wholuxuriateandgloatupontheghastlydish。Now，thewriterofLavengrohasnosympathywiththosewhowouldshrinkfromstrikingablow，butwouldnotshrinkfromtheuseofpoisonorcalumny；andhistastehaslittleincommonwiththatwhichcannottoleratethehardydetailsofaprize—
fight，butwhichluxuriatesondescriptionsofthemurderdensofmodernEngland。Butprize—fightersandpugilistsareblackguards，areviewerhassaid；andblackguardstheywouldbeprovidedtheyemployedtheirskillandtheirprowessforpurposesofbrutalityandoppression；butprize—fightersandpugilistsareseldomfriendstobrutalityandoppression；andwhichistheblackguard，thewriterwouldask，hewhouseshisfiststotakehisownpart，orinstructsotherstousetheirsforthesamepurpose，orthebeingwhofromenvyandmalice，oratthebiddingofamaliciousscoundrel，endeavoursbycalumny，falsehood，andmisrepresentationtoimpedetheeffortsoflonelyandunprotectedgenius？
Onewordmoreabouttherace，allbutextinct，ofthepeopleopprobriouslycalledprize—fighters。Someofthemhavebeenasnoble，kindlymenastheworldeverproduced。CantherollsoftheEnglisharistocracyexhibitnamesbelongingtomorenoble，moreheroicmenthanthosewhowerecalledrespectivelyPearce，Cribb，andSpring？DideveroneoftheEnglisharistocracycontracttheseedsoffatalconsumptionbyrushingupthestairsofaburningedifice，eventothetopmostgarret，andrescuingawomanfromseeminglyinevitabledestruction？Thewritersaysno。Awomanwasrescuedfromthetopofaburninghouse；butthemanwhorescuedherwasnoaristocrat；itwasPearce，notPercy，whoranuptheburningstairs。Dideveroneofthoseglitteringonessaveafaintingfemalefromthelibidinousrageofsixruffians？Thewriterbelievesnot。Awomanwasrescuedfromthelibidinousfuryofsixmonsterson—Down；butthemanwhorescuedherwasnoaristocrat；itwasPearcenotPaulet，whorescuedthewoman，andthrashedmylord’ssixgamekeepers—Pearce，whoseequalneverwas，andprobablyneverwillbe，foundinsturdycombat。Arethereanyofthearistocracyofwhomitcanbesaidthattheyneverdidacowardly，cruel，ormeanaction，andthattheyinvariablytookthepartoftheunfortunateandweakagainstcrueltyandoppression？AsmuchcanbesaidofCribb，ofSpring，andtheother；butwhereisthearistocratofwhomasmuchcanbesaid？Wellington？
Wellingtonindeed！askilfulgeneral，andagoodmanofvalour，itistrue，butwiththatcantwordof\"duty\"
continuallyonhislips，didherescueNeyfromhisbutchers？
DidhelendahelpinghandtoWarner？
Inconclusion，thewriterwouldadvisethoseofhiscountry—
folkswhoreadhisbooktohavenothingtodowiththetwokindsofcantingnonsensedescribedabove，butintheirprogressthroughlifetoenjoyaswellastheycan，butalwayswithmoderation，thegoodthingsofthisworld，toputconfidenceinGod，tobeasindependentaspossible，andtotaketheirownparts。Iftheyarelow—spirited，letthemnotmakethemselvesfoolishbyputtingonsackcloth，drinkingwater，orchewingashes，butletthemtakewholesomeexercise，andeatthemostgenerousfoodtheycanget，takingupandreadingoccasionally，notthelivesofIgnatiusLoyolaandFrancisSpira，butsomethingmoreagreeable；forexample，thelifeandadventuresofMr。DuncanCampbell，thedeafanddumbgentleman；thetravelsofCaptainFalconerinAmerica，andthejournalofJohnRandall，whowenttoVirginiaandmarriedanIndianwife；notforgetting，amidsttheireatinganddrinking，theirwalksoverheaths，andbythesea—side，andtheiragreeableliterature，tobecharitabletothepoor，toreadthePsalmsandtogotochurchtwiceonaSunday。Intheirdealingswithpeople，tobecourteoustoeverybody，asLavengrowas，butalwaysindependentlikehim；andifpeoplemeddlewiththem，togivethemasgoodastheybring，evenasheandIsopelBernerswereinthehabitofdoing；anditwillbeaswellforhimtoobservethathebynomeansadviseswomentobetoowomanly，butbearingtheconductofIsopelBernersinmind，totaketheirownparts，andifanybodystrikesthem，tostrikeagain。
BeatingofwomenbythelordsofthecreationhasbecomeveryprevalentinEnglandsincepugilismhasbeendiscountenanced。
Nowthewriterstronglyadvisesanywomanwhoisstruckbyaruffiantostrikehimagain；orifshecannotclenchherfists，andheadvisesallwomeninthesesingulartimestolearntoclenchtheirfists，togoathimwithtoothandnail，andnottobeafraidoftheresult，foranyfellowwhoisdastardenoughtostrikeawoman，wouldallowhimselftobebeatenbyawoman，wereshetomakeathiminself—
defence，evenif，insteadofpossessingthestatelyheightandathleticproportionsoftheaforesaidIsopel，shewereasdiminutiveinstature，andhadahandasdelicate，andfootassmall，asacertainroyallady，whowassometimeagoassaultedbyafellowupwardsofsixfeethigh，whomthewriterhasnodoubtshecouldhavebeatenhadshethoughtpropertogoathim。Suchisthedeliberateadviceoftheauthortohiscountrymenandwomen—adviceinwhichhebelievesthereisnothingunscripturalorrepugnanttocommonsense。
Thewriterisperfectlywellawarethat，bytheplainlanguagewhichhehasusedinspeakingofthevariouskindsofnonsenseprevalentinEngland，heshallmakehimselfamultitudeofenemies；butheisnotgoingtoconcealthetruthortotamperwithnonsense，fromthefearofprovokinghostility。Hehasadutytoperformandhewillperformitresolutely；heisthepersonwhocarriedtheBibletoSpain；
andasresolutelyashespokeinSpainagainstthesuperstitionsofSpain，willhespeakinEnglandagainstthenonsenseofhisownnativeland。Heisnotoneofthosewho，beforetheysitdowntowriteabook，saytothemselves，whatcryshallwetakeup？whatprinciplesshallweadvocate？whatprinciplesshallweabuse？beforeweputpentopaperwemustfindoutwhatcryistheloudest，whatprinciplehasthemostadvocates，otherwise，afterhavingwrittenourbook，wemayfindourselvesontheweakerside。
Asailorofthe\"Bounty，\"wakedfromhissleepbythenoiseofthemutiny，laystillinhishammockforsometime，quiteundecidedwhethertotakepartwiththecaptainortojointhemutineers。\"ImustmindwhatIdo，\"saidhetohimself，\"lest，intheend，Ifindmyselfontheweakerside；\"
finally，onhearingthatthemutineersweresuccessful，hewentondeck，andseeingBlighpinionedtothemast，heputhisfisttohisnose，andotherwiseinsultedhim。Now，therearemanywritersofthepresentdaywhoseconductisverysimilartothatofthesailor。Theylielisteningintheircornerstilltheyhaveascertainedwhichprinciplehasmostadvocates；then，presently，theymaketheirappearanceonthedeckoftheworldwiththeirbook；iftruthhasbeenvictorious，thenhastruththehurrah！butiftruthispinionedagainstthemast，thenistheirfistthrustagainstthenoseoftruth，andtheirgibeandtheirinsultspirtedinherface。Thestrongestpartyhadthesailor，andthestrongestpartyhasalmostinvariablythewriterofthepresentday。
CHAPTERIX
Pseudo—Critics。
ACERTAINsetofindividualscallingthemselvescriticshaveattackedLavengrowithmuchvirulenceandmalice。Ifwhattheycallcriticismhadbeenfoundedontruth，theauthorwouldhavehadnothingtosay。Thebookcontainsplentyofblemishes，someofthem，bythebye，wilfulones，asthewriterwillpresentlyshow；notoneofthese，however，hasbeendetectedandpointedout；butthebestpassagesinthebook，indeedwhateverwascalculatedtomakethebookvaluable，havebeenassailedwithabuseandmisrepresentation。Thedutyofthetruecriticistoplaythepartofaleech，andnotofaviper。UpontrueanduponmalignantcriticismthereisanexcellentfablebytheSpaniardIriarte。Thevipersaystotheleech，\"Whydopeopleinviteyourbite，andfleefrommine？\"\"Because，\"
saystheleech，\"peoplereceivehealthfrommybite，andpoisonfromyours。\"\"Thereisasmuchdifference，\"saysthecleverSpaniard，\"betweentrueandmalignantcriticism，asbetweenpoisonandmedicine。\"Certainlyagreatmanymeritoriouswritershaveallowedthemselvestobepoisonedbymalignantcriticism；thewriter，however，isnotoneofthosewhoallowthemselvestobepoisonedbypseudo—critics；no！
no！hewillratherholdthemupbytheirtails，andshowthecreatureswriggling，bloodandfoamstreamingfromtheirbrokenjaws。Firstofall，however，hewillnoticeoneoftheirobjections。\"Thebookisn’ttrue，\"saythey。NowoneoftheprincipalreasonswiththosethathaveattackedLavengrofortheirabuseofitis，thatitisparticularlytrueinoneinstance，namely，thatitexposestheirownnonsense，theirloveofhumbug，theirslavishness，theirdressings，theirgoingsout，theirscrapingandbowingtogreatpeople；itistheshowingupof\"gentility—nonsense\"inLavengrothathasbeenoneprincipalreasonforraisingtheabovecry；forinLavengroisdenouncedthebesettingfollyoftheEnglishpeople，afollywhichthosewhocallthemselvesguardiansofthepublictastearefarfrombeingabove。\"Wecan’tabideanythingthatisn’ttrue！\"theyexclaim。Can’tthey？Thenwhyaretheysoenrapturedwithanyfictionthatisadaptedtopurposesofhumbug，whichtendstomakethemsatisfiedwiththeirownproceedings，withtheirownnonsense，whichdoesnottellthemtoreform，tobecomemorealivetotheirownfailings，andlesssensitiveaboutthetyrannicalgoingsonofthemasters，andthedegradedcondition，thesufferings，andthetrialsoftheserfsinthestarJupiter？HadLavengro，insteadofbeingtheworkofanindependentmind，beenwritteninordertofurtheranyofthethousandandonecants，andspeciesofnonsenseprevalentinEngland，theauthorwouldhaveheardmuchlessaboutitsnotbeingtrue，bothfrompublicdetractorsandprivatecensurers。
\"ButLavengropretendstobeanautobiography，\"saythecritics；andherethewriterbegsleavetoobserve，thatitwouldbewellforpeoplewhoprofesstohavearegardfortruth，nottoexhibitineveryassertionwhichtheymakeamostprofligatedisregardofit；thisassertionoftheirsisafalsehood，andtheyknowittobeafalsehood。IntheprefaceLavengroisstatedtobeadream；andthewritertakesthisopportunityofstatingthatheneversaiditwasanautobiography；neverauthorizedanypersontosaythatitwasone；andthathehasininnumerableinstancesdeclaredinpublicandprivate，bothbeforeandaftertheworkwaspublished，thatitwasnotwhatisgenerallytermedanautobiography：butasetofpeoplewhopretendtowritecriticismsonbooks，hatingtheauthorforvariousreasons，—
amongstothers，because，havingtheproperprideofagentlemanandascholar，hedidnot，intheyear’43，choosetopermithimselftobeexhibitedandmadeazanyofinLondon，andespeciallybecausehewillneitherassociatewith，norcurryfavourwith，themwhoareneithergentlemennorscholars，—attackhisbookwithabuseandcalumny。Heis，perhaps，condescendingtoomuchwhenhetakesanynoticeofsuchpeople；as，however，theEnglishpubliciswonderfullyledbycriesandshouts，andgenerallyreadytotakepartagainstanypersonwhoiseitherunwillingorunabletodefendhimself，hedeemsitadvisablenottobealtogetherquietwiththosewhoassailhim。Thebestwaytodealwithvipersistotearouttheirteeth；andthebestwaytodealwithpseudo—criticsistodeprivethemoftheirpoison—bag，whichiseasilydonebyexposingtheirignorance。
Thewriterknewperfectlywellthedescriptionofpeoplewithwhomhewouldhavetodo，hethereforeveryquietlypreparedastratagem，bymeansofwhichhecouldatanytimeexhibitthem，powerlessandhelpless，inhishand。Critics，whentheyreviewbooks，oughttohaveacompetentknowledgeofthesubjectswhichthosebooksdiscuss。
Lavengroisaphilologicalbook，apoemifyouchoosetocallitso。Now，whatafinetriumphitwouldhavebeenforthosewhowishedtovilifythebookanditsauthor，providedtheycouldhavedetectedthelattertrippinginhisphilology—
theymighthaveinstantlysaidthathewasanignorantpretendertophilology—theylaughedattheideaofhistakingupaviperbyitstail，atrickwhichhundredsofcountryurchinsdoeverySeptember，buttheyweresilentaboutthereallywonderfulpartofthebook，thephilologicalmatter—theythoughtphilologywashisstronghold，andthatitwouldbeuselesstoattackhimthere；theyofcoursewouldgivehimnocreditasaphilologist，foranythinglikefairtreatmenttowardshimwasnottobeexpectedattheirhands，buttheywereafraidtoattackhisphilology—yetthatwasthepoint，andtheonlypointinwhichtheymighthaveattackedhimsuccessfully；hewasvulnerablethere。Howwasthis？Why，inordertohaveanopportunityofholdinguppseudo—criticsbythetails，hewilfullyspeltvariousforeignwordswrong—Welshwords，andevenItalianwords—
didtheydetectthesemisspellings？notoneofthem，evenasheknewtheywouldnot，andhenowtauntsthemwithignorance；andthepoweroftauntingthemwithignoranceisthepunishmentwhichhedesignedforthem—apowerwhichtheymightbutfortheirignorancehaveusedagainsthim。
ThewriterbesidesknowingsomethingofItalianandWelsh，knowsalittleofArmenianlanguageandliterature；butwhoknowinganythingoftheArmenianlanguage，unlesshehadanendinview，wouldsay，thatthewordseainArmenianisanythinglikethewordtideinEnglish？ThewordforseainArmenianisdzow，awordconnectedwiththeTebetianwordforwater，andtheChineseshuy，andtheTurkishsu，signifyingthesamething；butwhereistheresemblancebetweendzowandtide？Again，thewordforbreadinancientArmenianishats；
yettheArmenianonLondonBridgeismadetosayzhats，whichisnotthenominativeoftheArmeniannounforbread，buttheaccusative：now，critics，raveningagainstamanbecauseheisagentlemanandascholar，andhasnotonlythepowerbutalsothecouragetowriteoriginalworks，whydidyounotdiscoverthatweakpoint？Why，becauseyouwereignorant，sohereyeareheldup！Moreover，whowithanamecommencingwithZ，everwrotefablesinArmenian？TherearetwowritersoffablesinArmenian—VarthanandKoscht，andillustriouswriterstheyare，oneinthesimple，andtheotherintheornatestyleofArmeniancomposition，butneitheroftheirnamesbeginswithaZ。Oh，whatapreciousopportunityyelost，yeraveningcrew，ofconvictingthepoor，half—starved，friendlessboyofthebook，ofignoranceormisrepresentation，byaskingwhowithanamebeginningwithZ