\"WHAT！\"screamedhe，wakingupatonce，andspurningherawayfromhim。\"What，youinfernalmurderess，haveyoukilledme？\"
\"Oh，Max！——don’tkillme，Max！Itwaslaudanum——indeeditwas。Youweregoingtobemarried，andIwasfurious，andIwentandgot——\"
\"Holdyourtongue，youfiend，\"roaredouttheCount；andwithmorepresenceofmindthanpoliteness，heflungtheremainderoftheliquor（and，indeed，theglasswithit）attheheadofMrs。
Catherine。Butthepoisonedchalicemisseditsmark，andfellrightonthenoseofMr。TomTrippet，whowasleftasleepandunobservedunderthetable。
Bleeding，staggering，swearing，indeedaghastlysight，upsprangMr。Trippet，anddrewhisrapier。\"Comeon，\"sayshe；\"neversaydie！What’stherow？I’mreadyforadozenofyou。\"Andhemademanyblindandfuriouspassesabouttheroom。
\"Curseyou，we’lldietogether！\"shoutedtheCount，ashetoopulledouthistoledo，andsprangatMrs。Catherine。
\"Help！murder！thieves！\"shriekedshe。\"Saveme，Mr。Trippet，saveme！\"andsheplacedthatgentlemanbetweenherselfandtheCount，andthenmadeforthedoorofthebedroom，andgainedit，andboltedit。
\"Outoftheway，Trippet，\"roaredtheCount——\"outoftheway，youdrunkenbeast！I’llmurderher，Iwill——I’llhavethedevil’slife。\"AndherehegaveaswingingcutatMr。Trippet’ssword：itsenttheweaponwhirlingcleanoutofhishand，andthroughawindowintothestreet。
\"Takemylife，then，\"saidMr。Trippet：\"I’mdrunk，butI’maman，and，damme！willneversaydie。\"
\"Idon’twantyourlife，youstupidfool。Harkyou，Trippet，wakeandbesober，ifyoucan。ThatwomanhasheardofmymarriagewithMissDripping。\"
\"Twentythousandpound，\"ejaculatedTrippet。
\"Shehasbeenjealous，Itellyou，andPOISONEDus。Shehasputlaudanumintothepunch。\"
\"What，inMYpunch？\"saidTrippet，growingquitesoberandlosinghiscourage。\"OLord！OLord！\"
\"Don’tstandhowlingthere，butrunforadoctor；’tisouronlychance。\"AndawayranMr。Trippet，asifthedeucewereathisheels。
TheCounthadforgottenhismurderousintentionsregardinghismistress，orhaddeferredthematleast，undertheconsciousnessofhisownpressingdanger。Anditmustbesaid，inthepraiseofamanwhohadfoughtforandagainstMarlboroughandTallard，thathiscourageinthistryingandnovelpredicamentneverforamomentdesertedhim，butthatheshowedthegreatestdaring，aswellasingenuity，inmeetingandavertingthedanger。Heflewtothesideboard，whereweretherelicsofasupper，andseizingthemustardandsaltpots，andabottleofoil，heemptiedthemallintoajug，intowhichhefurtherpouredavastquantityofhotwater。
Thispleasingmixturehethen，withoutamoment’shesitation，placedtohislips，andswallowedasmuchofitasnaturewouldallowhim。
Butwhenhehadimbibedaboutaquart，theanticipatedeffectwasproduced，andhewasenabled，bythepowerofthisingeniousextemporaneousemetic，togetridofmuchofthepoisonwhichMrs。
Catherinehadadministeredtohim。
Hewasemployedintheseeffortswhenthedoctorentered，alongwithMr。BrockandMr。Trippet；whowasnotalittlepleasedtohearthatthepoisonedpunchhadnotinallprobabilitybeengiventohim。HewasrecommendedtotakesomeoftheCount’smixture，asaprecautionarymeasure；butthisherefused，andretiredhome，leavingtheCountunderchargeofthephysicianandhisfaithfulcorporal。
ItisnotnecessarytosaywhatfurtherremedieswereemployedbythemtorestoretheCaptaintohealth；butaftersometimethedoctor，pronouncingthatthedangerwas，hehoped，averted，recommendedthathispatientshouldbeputtobed，andthatsomebodyshouldsitbyhim；whichBrockpromisedtodo。
\"Thatshe—devilwillmurderme，ifyoudon’t，\"gaspedthepoorCount。\"Youmustturnheroutofthebedroom；orbreakopenthedoor，ifsherefusestoletyouin。\"
Andthisstepwasfoundtobenecessary；for，aftershoutingmanytimes，andinvain，Mr。Brockfoundasmallironbar（indeed，hehadtheinstrumentformanydaysinhispocket），andforcedthelock。
Theroomwasempty，thewindowwasopen：theprettybarmaidofthe\"Bugle\"hadfled。
\"Thechest，\"saidtheCount——\"isthechestsafe？\"
TheCorporalflewtothebed，underwhichitwasscrewed，andlooked，andsaid，\"ItISsafe，thankHeaven！\"Thewindowwasclosed。TheCaptain，whowastooweaktostandwithouthelp，wasundressedandputtobed。TheCorporalsatdownbyhisside；
slumberstoleovertheeyesofthepatient；andhiswakefulnursemarkedwithsatisfactiontheprogressofthebeneficentrestorerofhealth。
WhentheCaptainawoke，ashedidsometimeafterwards，hefound，verymuchtohissurprise，thatagaghadbeenplacedinhismouth，andthattheCorporalwasintheactofwheelinghisbedtoanotherpartoftheroom。Heattemptedtomove，andgaveutterancetosuchunintelligiblesoundsascouldissuethroughasilkhandkerchief。
\"Ifyourhonourstirsorcriesoutintheleast，Iwillcutyourhonour’sthroat，\"saidtheCorporal。
Andthen，havingrecoursetohisironbar（thereaderwillnowseewhyhewasprovidedwithsuchanimplement，forhehadbeenmeditatingthiscoupforsomedays），heproceededfirsttoattempttoburstthelockofthelittleironchestinwhichtheCountkepthistreasure，and，failinginthis，tounscrewitfromtheground；
whichoperationheperformedsatisfactorily。
\"Yousee，Count，\"saidhe，calmly，\"whenroguesfalloutthere’sthedeucetopay。You’llhavemedrummedoutoftheregiment，willyou？
I’mgoingtoleaveitofmyownaccord，lookyou，andtolivelikeagentlemanfortherestofmydays。SchlafenSiewohl，nobleCaptain：bonrepos。TheSquirewillbewithyouprettyearlyinthemorning，toaskforthemoneyyouowehim。\"
WiththesesarcasticobservationsMr。Brockdeparted；notbythewindow，asMrs。Catherinehaddone，butbythedoor，quietly，andsointothestreet。Andwhen，thenextmorning，thedoctorcametovisithispatient，hebroughtwithhimastoryhow，atthedeadofnight，Mr。BrockhadrousedtheostleratthestableswheretheCaptain’shorseswerekept——hadtoldhimthatMrs。CatherinehadpoisonedtheCount，andhadrunoffwithathousandpounds；andhowheandallloversofjusticeoughttoscourthecountryinpursuitofthecriminal。ForthisendMr。BrockmountedtheCount’sbesthorse——thatveryanimalonwhichhehadcarriedawayMrs。Catherine：
andthus，onasinglenight，CountMaximilianhadlosthismistress，hismoney，hishorse，hiscorporal，andwasverynearlosinghislife。
CHAPTERIV。INWHICHMRS。CATHERINEBECOMESANHONESTWOMANAGAIN。
Inthiswoefulplight，moneyless，wifeless，horseless，corporalless，withagaginhismouthandaroperoundhisbody，arewecompelledtoleavethegallantGalgenstein，untilhisfriendsandtheprogressofthishistoryshalldeliverhimfromhisdurance。Mr。Brock’sadventuresontheCaptain’shorsemustlikewisebepretermitted；foritisourbusinesstofollowMrs。Catherinethroughthewindowbywhichshemadeherescape，andamongthevariouschancesthatbefellher。
Shehadonecausetocongratulateherself，——thatshehadnotherbabyatherback；fortheinfantwassafelyhousedunderthecareofanurse，towhomtheCaptainwasanswerable。Beyondthisherprospectswerebutdismal：nohometoflyto，butafewshillingsinherpocket，andawholeheapofinjuriesanddarkrevengefulthoughtsinherbosom：itwasasadtasktohertolookeitherbackwardsorforwards。Whitherwasshetofly？Howtolive？Whatgoodchancewastobefriendher？TherewasanangelwatchingoverthestepsofMrs。Cat——notagoodone，Ithink，butoneofthosefromthatunnameableplace，whohavetheirmanysubjectshereonearth，andoftenarepleasedtoextricatethemfromworseperplexities。
Mrs。Cat，now，hadnotcommittedmurder，butasbadasmurder；andasshefeltnotthesmallestrepentanceinherheart——asshehad，inthecourseofherlifeandconnectionwiththeCaptain，performedandgloriedinanumberofwickedcoquetries，idlenesses，vanities，lies，fitsofanger，slanders，foulabuses，andwhatnot——shewasfairlyboundovertothisdarkangelwhomwehavealludedto；andhedealtwithher，andaidedher，asoneofhisownchildren。
Idonotmeantosaythat，inthisstrait，heappearedtoherinthelikenessofagentlemaninblack，andmadehersignhernameinbloodtoadocumentconveyingovertohimhersoul，inexchangeforcertainconditionstobeperformedbyhim。Suchdiabolicalbargainshavealwaysappearedtomeunworthyoftheastutepersonagewhoissupposedtobeoneofthepartiestothem；andwhowouldscarcelybefoolenoughtopaydearlyforthatwhichhecanhaveinafewyearsfornothing。Itisnot，then，tobesupposedthatademonofdarknessappearedtoMrs。Cat，andledherintoaflamingchariotharnessedbydragons，andcareeringthroughairattherateofathousandleaguesaminute。Nosuchthing；thevehiclethatwassenttoaidherwasoneofamuchmorevulgardescription。
The\"Liverpoolcarryvan，\"then，whichintheyear1706usedtoperformthejourneybetweenLondonandthatplaceintendays，leftBirminghamaboutanhourafterMrs。Catherinehadquittedthattown；
andasshesatweepingonahillside，andplungedinbittermeditation，thelumbering，jinglingvehicleovertookher。Thecoachmanwasmarchingbythesideofhishorses，andencouragingthemtomaintaintheirpaceoftwomilesanhour；thepassengershadsomeofthemleftthevehicle，inordertowalkupthehill；andthecarriagehadarrivedatthetopofit，and，meditatingabrisktrotdownthedeclivity，waitedthereuntilthelaggingpassengersshouldarrive：whenJehu，castingagood—naturedglanceuponMrs。
Catherine，askedtheprettymaidwhenceshewascome，andwhethershewouldlikearideinhiscarriage。TothelatterofwhichquestionsMrs。Catherinerepliedtrulyyes；totheformer，heranswerwasthatshehadcomefromStratford；whereas，asweverywellknow，shehadlatelyquittedBirmingham。
\"Hasttheeseenawomanpassthisway，onablackhorse，withalargebagofgooldoverthesaddle？\"saidJehu，preparingtomountupontheroofofhiscoach。
\"No，indeed，\"saidMrs。Cat。
\"Noratrooperonanotherhorseafterher——no？Well，therebeamortalrowdownBirminghamwayaboutsichaone。Shehavekilled，theysay，ninegentlemenatsupper，andhavestrangledaGermanprinceinbed。Shehaverobbedhimoftwentythousandguineas，andhaverodeawayonablackhorse。\"
\"Thatcan’tbeI，\"saidMrs。Cat，naively，\"forIhavebutthreeshillingsandagroat。\"
\"No，itcan’tbethee，truly，forwhere’syourbagofgoold？and，besides，theehastgottooprettyafacetodosuchwickedthingsastokillninegentlemenandstrangleaGermanprince。\"
\"Law，coachman，\"saidMrs。Cat，blushingarchly——\"，Law，coachman，DO
youthinkso？\"Thegirlwouldhavebeenpleasedwithacomplimentevenonherwaytobehanged；andtheparleyendedbyMrs。Catherinesteppingintothecarriage，wheretherewasroomforeightpeopleatleast，andwheretwoorthreeindividualshadalreadytakentheirplaces。FortheseMrs。Catherinehadinthefirstplacetomakeastory，whichshedid；andaverygliboneforapersonofheryearsandeducation。Beingaskedwhithershewasbound，andhowshecametobealoneofamorningsittingbyaroad—side，sheinventedaneathistorysuitabletotheoccasion，whichelicitedmuchinterestfromherfellow—passengers：oneinparticular，ayoungman，whohadcaughtaglimpseofherfaceunderherhood，wasverytenderinhisattentionstoher。
Butwhetheritwasthatshehadbeentoomuchfatiguedbytheoccurrencesofthepastdayandsleeplessnight，orwhetherthelittlelaudanumwhichshehaddrunkafewhourspreviouslynowbegantoactuponher，certainitisthatMrs。Catnowsuddenlygrewsick，feverish，andextraordinarilysleepy；andinthisstateshecontinuedformanyhours，tothepityofallherfellow—travellers。
Atlengththe\"carryvan\"reachedtheinn，wherehorsesandpassengerswereaccustomedtorestforafewhours，andtodine；andMrs。Catherinewassomewhatawakenedbythestirofthepassengers，andthefriendlyvoiceoftheinn—servantwelcomingthemtodinner。
Thegentlemanwhohadbeensmittenbyherbeautynowurgedherverypolitelytodescend；which，takingtheprotectionofhisarm，sheaccordinglydid。
Hemadesomeverygallantspeechestoherasshesteppedout；andshemusthavebeenverymuchoccupiedbythem，orwraptupinherownthoughts，orstupefiedbysleep，fever，andopium，forshedidnottakeanyheedoftheplaceintowhichshewasgoing：which，hadshedone，shewouldprobablyhavepreferredremaininginthecoach，dinnerlessandill。Indeed，theinnintowhichshewasabouttomakeherentrancewasnootherthanthe\"Bugle，\"fromwhichshesetforthatthecommencementofthishistory；andwhichthen，asnow，waskeptbyherrelative，thethriftyMrs。Score。Thatgoodlandlady，seeingalady，inasmarthoodandcloak，leaning，asiffaint，uponthearmofagentlemanofgoodappearance，concludedthemtobemanandwife，andfolksofqualitytoo；andwithmuchdiscrimination，aswellassympathy，ledthemthroughthepublickitchentoherownprivateparlour，orbar，whereshehandedtheladyanarmchair，andaskedwhatshewouldliketodrink。Bythistime，andindeedattheverymomentsheheardheraunt’svoice，Mrs。
Catherinewasawareofhersituation；andwhenhercompanionretired，andthelandlady，withmuchofficiousness，insistedonremovingherhood，shewasquitepreparedforthescreechofsurprisewhichMrs。Scoregaveondroppingit，exclaiming，\"Why，lawblessus，it’sourCatherine！\"
\"I’mveryill，andtired，aunt，\"saidCat；\"andwouldgivetheworldforafewhours’sleep。\"
\"Afewhoursandwelcome，mylove，andasack—possettoo。Youdolooksadlytiredandpoorly，sureenough。Ah，Cat，Cat！yougreatladiesaresadrakes，Idobelieve。Iwagernow，thatwithallyourballs，andcarriages，andfineclothes，youareneithersohappynorsowellaswhenyoulivedwithyourpooroldaunt，whousedtoloveyouso。\"Andwiththesegentlewords，andanembraceortwo，whichMrs。Catherinewonderedat，andpermitted，shewasconductedtothatverybedwhichtheCounthadoccupiedayearpreviously，andundressed，andlaidinit，andaffectionatelytuckedupbyheraunt，whomarvelledatthefinenessofherclothes，assheremovedthempiecebypiece；andwhenshesawthatinMrs。Catherine’spockettherewasonlythesumofthreeandfourpence，said，archly，\"Therewasnoneedofmoney，fortheCaptaintookcareofthat。\"
Mrs。Catdidnotundeceiveher；anddeceivedMrs。Scorecertainlywas，——forsheimaginedthewell—dressedgentlemanwholedCatfromthecarriagewasnootherthantheCount；and，asshehadheard，fromtimetotime，exaggeratedreportsofthesplendouroftheestablishmentwhichhekeptup，shewasinducedtolookuponherniecewiththeveryhighestrespect，andtotreatherasifshewereafinelady。\"AndsosheISafinelady，\"Mrs。Scorehadsaidmonthsago，whensomeoftheseflatteringstoriesreachedher，andshehadovercomeherfirstfuryatCatherine’selopement。\"Thegirlwasverycrueltoleaveme；butwemustrecollectthatsheisasgoodasmarriedtoanobleman，andmustallforgetandforgive，youknow。\"
ThisspeechhadbeenmadetoDoctorDobbs，whowasinthehabitoftakingapipeandatankardatthe\"Bugle，\"andithadbeenroundlyreprobatedbytheworthydivine；whotoldMrs。Score，thatthecrimeofCatherinewasonlythemoreheinous，ifithadbeencommittedfrominterestedmotives；andprotestedthat，weresheaprincess，hewouldneverspeaktoheragain。Mrs。ScorethoughtandpronouncedtheDoctor’sopiniontobeverybigoted；indeed，shewasoneofthosepersonswhohaveamarvellousrespectforprosperity，andacorrespondingscornforill—fortune。When，therefore，shereturnedtothepublicroom，shewentgraciouslytothegentlemanwhohadledMrs。Catherinefromthecarriage，andwithaknowingcurtseywelcomedhimtothe\"Bugle；\"toldhimthathisladywouldnotcometodinner，butbadehersay，withherbestlovetohisLordship，thattheridehadfatiguedher，andthatshewouldlieinbedforanhourortwo。
ThisspeechwasreceivedwithmuchwonderbyhisLordship；whowas，indeed，nootherthanaLiverpooltailorgoingtoLondontolearnfashions；butheonlysmiled，anddidnotundeceivethelandlady，whoherselfwentoff，smilingly，tobustleaboutdinner。
Thetwoorthreehoursallottedtothatmealbytheliberalcoachmastersofthosedayspassedaway，andMr。Coachman，declaringthathishorseswerenowrestedenough，andthattheyhadtwelvemilestoride，putthesteedsto，andsummonedthepassengers。Mrs。
Score，whohadseenwithmuchsatisfactionthatherniecewasreallyill，andherfevermoreviolent，andhopedtohaveherformanydaysaninmateinherhouse，nowcameforward，andcastingupontheLiverpooltailoralookofprofoundbutrespectfulmelancholy，said，\"MyLord（forIrecollectyourLordshipquitewell），theladyupstairsissoill，thatitwouldbeasintomoveher：hadInotbettertellcoachmantotakedownyourLordship’strunks，andthelady’s，andmakeyouabedinthenextroom？\"
Verymuchtohersurprise，thispropositionwasreceivedwitharoaroflaughter。\"Madam，\"saidthepersonaddressed，\"I’mnotalord，butatailoranddraper；andasforthatyoungwoman，beforeto—dayIneverseteyesonher。\"
\"WHAT！\"screamedoutMrs。Score。\"ArenotyoutheCount？Doyoumeantosaythatyoua’n’tCat’s——？DOyoumeantosaythatyoudidn’torderherbed，andthatyouwon’tpaythisherelittlebill？\"
Andwiththissheproducedadocument，bywhichtheCount’sladywasmadeherdebtorinasumofhalf—a—guinea。
Thesepassionatewordsexcitedmoreandmorelaughter。\"Payit，myLord，\"saidthecoachman；\"andthencomealong，fortimepresses。\"
\"OurrespectstoherLadyship，\"saidonepassenger。\"TellhermyLordcan’twait，\"saidanother；andwithmuchmerrimentoneandallquittedthehotel，enteredthecoach，andrattledoff。
Dumb——palewithterrorandrage——billinhand，Mrs。Scorehadfollowedthecompany；butwhenthecoachdisappeared，hersensesreturned。Backsheflewintotheinn，overturningtheostler，notdeigningtoanswerDoctorDobbs（who，frombehindsofttobacco—fumes，mildlyaskedthereasonofherdisturbance），and，boundingupstairslikeafury，sherushedintotheroomwhereCatherinelay。
\"Well，madam！\"saidshe，inherhighestkey，\"doyoumeanthatyouhavecomeintothisherehousetoswindleme？Doyoudarefortocomewithyourairshere，andcallyourselfanobleman’slady，andsleepinthebestbed，whenyou’renobetternoracommontramper？
I’llthankyou，ma’am，togetout，ma’am。I’llhavenosickpaupersinthishouse，ma’am。Youknowyourwaytotheworkhouse，ma’am，andthereI’lltroubleyoufortogo。\"AndhereMrs。Scoreproceededquicklytopulloffthebedclothes；andpoorCatarose，shiveringwithfrightandfever。
Shehadnospirittoanswer，asshewouldhavedonethedaybefore，whenanoathfromanyhumanbeingwouldhavebroughthalf—a—dozenfromherinreturn；oraknife，oraplate，oralegofmutton，ifsuchhadbeentoherhand。Shehadnospiritleftforsuchrepartees；butinreplytotheabovewordsofMrs。Score，andagreatmanymoreofthesamekind——whicharenotnecessaryforourhistory，butwhichthatladyutteredwithinconceivableshrillnessandvolubility，thepoorwenchcouldsaylittle，——onlysobandshiver，andgatheruptheclothesagain，crying，\"Oh，aunt，don’tspeakunkindtome！I’mveryunhappy，andveryill！\"
\"Ill，youstrumpet！ill，behanged！Illisasilldoes；andifyouareill，it’sonlywhatyoumerit。Getout！dressyourself——tramp！
Gettotheworkhouse，anddon’tcometocheatmeanymore！Dressyourself——doyouhear？Satinpetticoatforsooth，andlacetohersmock！\"
Poor，wretched，chattering，burning，shiveringCatherinehuddledonherclothesaswellshemight：sheseemedhardlytoknoworseewhatshewasdoing，anddidnotreplyasinglewordtothemanythatthelandladyletfall。Cattottereddownthenarrowstairs，andthroughthekitchen，andtothedoor；whichshecaughtholdof，andpausedawhile，andlookedintoMrs。Score’sface，asforonemorechance。\"Getout，younastytrull！\"saidthatlady，sternly，witharmsakimbo；andpoorCatherine，withamostpiteousscreamandoutgushoftears，letgoofthedoor—postandstaggeredawayintotheroad。
***
\"Why，no——yes——no——itispoorCatherineHall，asIlive！\"saidsomebody，startingup，shovingasideMrs。Scoreveryrudely，andrunningintotheroad，wigoffandpipeinhand。ItwashonestDoctorDobbs；andtheresultofhisinterviewwithMrs。Catwas，thathegaveupforeversmokinghispipeatthe\"Bugle；\"andthatshelaysickofafeverforsomeweeksinhishouse。
***
OverthispartofMrs。Cat’shistoryweshallbeasbriefaspossible；for，totellthetruth，nothingimmoraloccurredduringherwholestayatthegoodDoctor’shouse；andwearenotgoingtoinsultthereaderbyofferinghimsillypicturesofpiety，cheerfulness，goodsense，andsimplicity；whicharemilk—and—watervirtuesafterall，andhavenorelishwiththemlikeagoodstrongvice，highlypeppered。Well，tobeshort：DoctorDobbs，thoughaprofoundtheologian，wasaverysimplegentleman；andbeforeMrs。
Cathadbeenamonthinthehouse，hehadlearnedtolookuponherasoneofthemostinjuredandrepentantcharactersintheworld；
andhad，withMrs。Dobbs，resolvedmanyplansforthefuturewelfareoftheyoungMagdalen。\"Shewasbutsixteen，mylove，recollect，\"
saidtheDoctor；\"shewascarriedoff，notbyherownwisheither。
TheCountsworehewouldmarryher；and，thoughshedidnotleavehimuntilthatmonstertriedtopoisonher，yetthinkwhatafineChristianspiritthepoorgirlhasshown！sheforgiveshimasheartily——moreheartily，Iamsure，thanIdoMrs。Scoreforturningheradriftinthatwickedway。\"ThereaderwillperceivesomedifferenceintheDoctor’sstatementandours，whichweassurehimisthetrueone；butthefactis，thehonestrectorhadhadhistalefromMrs。Cat，anditwasnotinhisnaturetodoubt，ifshehadtoldhimahistorytentimesmorewonderful。
Thereverendgentlemanandhiswifethenlaidtheirheadstogether；
and，recollectingsomethingofJohnHayes’sformerattachmenttoMrs。Cat，thoughtthatitmightbeadvantageouslyrenewed，shouldHayesbestillconstant。HavingveryadroitlysoundedCatherine（soadroitly，indeed，astoaskher\"whethershewouldliketomarryJohnHayes？\"），thatyoungwomanhadreplied，\"No。ShehadlovedJohnHayes——hehadbeenherearly，onlylove；butshewasfallennow，andnotgoodenoughforhim。\"AndthismadetheDobbsfamilyadmirehermoreandmore，andcastaboutformeanstobringthemarriagetopass。
HayeswasawayfromthevillagewhenMrs。Cathadarrivedthere；buthedidnotfailtohearofherillness，andhowheraunthaddesertedher，andthegoodDoctortakenherin。TheworthyDoctorhimselfmetMr。Hayesonthegreen；and，tellinghimthatsomerepairswerewantinginhiskitchenbeggedhimtostepinandexaminethem。Hayesfirstsaidno，plump，andthenno，gently；andthenpished，andthenpsha’d；andthen，tremblingverymuch，wentin：andtheresatMrs。Catherine，tremblingverymuchtoo。
Whatpassedbetweenthem？IfyourLadyshipisanxioustoknow，thinkofthatmorningwhenSirJohnhimselfpoppedthequestion。
Couldtherebeanythingmorestupidthantheconversationwhichtookplace？Suchstuffisnotworthrepeating：no，notwhenutteredbypeopleintheverygenteelestofcompany；asfortheamorousdialogueofacarpenterandanex—barmaid，itisworsestill。
Sufficeittosay，thatMr。Hayes，whohadhadayeartorecoverfromhispassion，andhad，toallappearances，quelledit，wasoverheadandearsagaintheverymomenthesawMrs。Cat，andhadallhisworktodoagain。
WhethertheDoctorknewwhatwasgoingon，Ican’tsay；butthismatteriscertain，thateveryeveningHayeswasnowintherectorykitchen，orelsewalkingabroadwithMrs。Catherine：andwhethersheranawaywithhim，orhewithher，Ishallnotmakeitmybusinesstoinquire；butcertainlyattheendofthreemonths（whichmustbecrowdedupintothisonelittlesentence），anotherelopementtookplaceinthevillage。\"Ishouldhavepreventedit，certainly，\"
saidDoctorDobbs——whereathiswifesmiled；\"buttheyoungpeoplekeptthematterasecretfromme。\"Andsohewould，hadheknownit；butthoughMrs。Dobbshadmadeseveralattemptstoacquainthimwiththeprecisehourandmethodoftheintendedelopement，heperemptorilyorderedhertoholdhertongue。Thefactis，thatthematterhadbeendiscussedbytherector’sladymanytimes。\"YoungHayes，\"wouldshesay\"hasaprettylittlefortuneandtradeofhisown；heisanonlyson，andmaymarryashelikes；and，thoughnotspeciallyhandsome，generous，oramiable，hasanundeniableloveforCat（who，youknow，mustnotbeparticular），andthesoonershemarrieshim，Ithink，thebetter。Theycan’tbemarriedatourchurchyouknow，and——\"\"Well，\"saidtheDoctor，\"iftheyaremarriedelsewhere，Ican’thelpit，andknownothingaboutit，lookyou。\"Anduponthishinttheelopementtookplace：which，indeed，waspeaceablyperformedearlyoneSundaymorningaboutamonthafter；Mrs。HallgettingbehindMr。Hayesonapillion，andallthechildrenoftheparsonagegigglingbehindthewindow—blindstoseethepairgooff。
DuringthismonthMr。HayeshadcausedthebannstobepublishedatthetownofWorcester；judgingrightlythatinagreattowntheywouldcausenosuchremarkasinasolitaryvillage，andthitherheconductedhislady。Oill—starredJohnHayes！whitherdothedarkFatesleadyou？OfoolishDoctorDobbs，toforgetthatyoungpeopleoughttohonourtheirparents，andtoyieldtosillyMrs。Dobbs’sardentpropensityformakingmatches！
***
TheLondonGazetteofthe1stApril，1706，containsaproclamationbytheQueenforputtingintoexecutionanActofParliamentfortheencouragementandincreaseofseamen，andforthebetterandspeediermanningofHerMajesty’sfleet，whichauthorisesalljusticestoissuewarrantstoconstables，pettyconstables，headboroughs，andtything—men，toenterand，ifneedbe，tobreakopenthedoorsofanyhouseswheretheyshallbelievedesertingseamentobe；andforthefurtherincreaseandencouragementofthenavy，totakeable—bodiedlandsmenwhenseamenfail。ThisAct，whichoccupiesfourcolumnsoftheGazette，andanotherofsimilarlengthandmeaningforpressingmenintothearmy，neednotbequotedatlengthhere；butcausedamightystirthroughoutthekingdomatthetimewhenitwasinforce。
Asonehasseenorheard，afterthemarchofagreatarmy，anumberofroguesandloosecharactersbringuptherear；inlikemanner，atthetailofagreatmeasureofState，followmanyroguishpersonalinterests，whichareprotectedbythemainbody。ThegreatmeasureofReform，forinstance，carriedalongwithitmuchprivatejobbingandswindling——ascouldbeshownwerewenotinclinedtodealmildlywiththeWhigs；andthisEnlistmentAct，which，inordertomaintaintheBritishgloriesinFlanders，dealtmostcruellywiththeBritishpeopleinEngland（itisnotthefirsttimethatamanhasbeenpinchedathometomakeafineappearanceabroad），createdagreatcompanyofrascalsandinformersthroughouttheland，wholiveduponit；oruponextortionfromthosewhoweresubjecttoit，ornotbeingsubjecttoitwerefrightenedintothebeliefthattheywere。
WhenMr。HayesandhisladyhadgonethroughthemarriageceremonyatWorcester，theformer，concludingthatatsuchaplacelodgingandfoodmightbeprocuredatacheaperrate，lookedaboutcarefullyforthemeanestpublic—houseinthetown，wherehemightdeposithisbride。
Inthekitchenofthisinn，apartyofmenweredrinking；and，asMrs。Hayesdeclined，withapropersenseofhersuperiority，toeatincompanywithsuchlowfellows，thelandladyshowedherandherhusbandtoaninnerapartment，wheretheymightbeservedinprivate。
Thekitchenpartyseemed，indeed，notsuchasaladywouldchoosetojoin。Therewasonehugelankyfellow，thatlookedlikeasoldier，andhadahalberd；anotherwashabitedinasailor’scostume，withafascinatingpatchoveroneeye；andathird，whoseemedtheleaderofthegang，wasastoutmaninasailor’sfrockandahorseman’sjack—boots，whomonemightfancy，ifhewereanything，tobeahorse—marine。
Ofoneoftheseworthies，Mrs。Hayesthoughtsheknewthefigureandvoice；andshefoundherconjecturesweretrue，when，allofsudden，threepeople，without\"Withyourleave，\"or\"Byyourleave，\"burstintotheroom，intowhichsheandherspousehadretired。Attheirheadwasnootherthanheroldfriend，Mr。PeterBrock；hehadhissworddrawn，andhisfingertohislips，enjoiningsilence，asitwere，toMrs。Catherine。HewiththepatchonhiseyeseizedincontinentlyonMr。Hayes；thetallmanwiththehalberdkeptthedoor；twoorthreeheroessupportedtheone—eyedman；who，withaloudvoice，exclaimed，\"Downwithyourarms——noresistance！youaremyprisoner，intheQueen’sname！\"
Andhere，atthislock，weshallleavethewholecompanyuntilthenextchapter；whichmaypossiblyexplainwhattheywere。
CHAPTERV。CONTAINSMR。BROCK’SAUTOBIOGRAPHY，ANDOTHERMATTERS。
\"Youdon’tsurebelievethesemen？\"saidMrs。Hayes，assoonasthefirstalarmcausedbytheirruptionofMr。Brockandhiscompanionshadsubsided。\"Thesearenomagistrate’smen：itisbutatricktorobyouofyourmoney，John。\"
\"Iwillnevergiveupafarthingofit！\"screamedHayes。
\"Yonderfellow，\"continuedMrs。Catherine，\"Iknow，forallhisdrawnswordandfiercelooks；hisnameis———\"
\"Wood，madam，atyourservice！\"saidMr。Brock。\"IamfollowertoMr。JusticeGobble，ofthistown：a’n’tI，Tim？\"saidMr。Brocktothetallhalberdmanwhowaskeepingthedoor。
\"Yesindeed，\"saidTim，archly；\"we’reallfollowersofhishonourJusticeGobble。\"
\"Certainly！\"saidtheone—eyedman。
\"Ofcourse！\"criedthemaninthenightcap。
\"Isuppose，madam，you’resatisfiedNOW？\"continuedMr。Brock，aliasWood。\"Youcan’tdenythetestimonyofgentlemenlikethese；andourcommissionistoapprehendallable—bodiedmalepersonswhocangivenogoodaccountofthemselves，andenrolthemintheserviceofHerMajesty。LookatthisMr。Hayes\"（whostoodtremblinginhisshoes）。\"Cantherebeabolder，properer，straightergentleman？
We’llhavehimforagrenadierbeforetheday’sover！\"
\"Takeheart，John——don’tbefrightened。Psha！ItellyouIknowtheman\"criedoutMrs。Hayes：\"heisonlyheretoextortmoney。\"
\"Oh，forthatmatter，IDOthinkIrecollectthelady。Letmesee；
wherewasit？AtBirmingham，Ithink，——ay，atBirmingham，——aboutthetimewhentheytriedtomurderCountGal——\"
\"Oh，sir！\"herecriedMadamHayes，droppinghervoiceatoncefromatoneofscorntooneofgentlestentreaty，\"whatisityouwantwithmyhusband？Iknownot，indeed，ifeverIsawyoubefore。Forwhatdoyouseizehim？Howmuchwillyoutaketoreleasehim，andletusgo？Namethesum；heisrich，and——\"
\"RICH，Catherine！\"criedHayes。\"Rich！——Oheavens！Sir，Ihavenothingbutmyhandstosupportme：Iamapoorcarpenter，sir，workingundermyfather！\"
\"Hecangivetwentyguineastobefree；Iknowhecan！\"saidMrs。
Cat。
\"Ihavebutaguineatocarrymehome，\"sighedoutHayes。
\"Butyouhavetwentyathome，John，\"saidhiswife。\"Givethesebravegentlemenawritingtoyourmother，andshewillpay；andyouwillletusfreethen，gentlemen——won’tyou？\"
\"Whenthemoney’spaid，yes，\"saidtheleader，Mr。Brock。
\"Oh，incourse，\"echoedthetallmanwiththehalberd。\"What’sathriflingdetintion，mydear？\"continuedhe，addressingHayes。
\"We’llamuseyouinyourabsence，anddrinktothehealthofyourprettywifehere。\"
Thispromise，todothehalberdierjustice，hefulfilled。Hecalleduponthelandladytoproducethedesiredliquor；andwhenMr。Hayesflunghimselfatthatlady’sfeet，demandingsuccourfromher，andaskingwhethertherewasnolawintheland——
\"There’snolawatthe’ThreeRooks’exceptTHIS！\"saidMr。Brockinreply，holdingupahorse—pistol。Towhichthehostess，grinning，assented，andsilentlywentherway。
Aftersomefurthersolicitations，JohnHayesdrewoutthenecessarylettertohisfather，statingthathewaspressed，andwouldnotbesetfreeunderasumoftwentyguineas；andthatitwouldbeofnousetodetainthebeareroftheletter，inasmuchasthegentlemenwhohadpossessionofhimvowedthattheywouldmurderhimshouldanyharmbefalltheircomrade。Asafurtherproofoftheauthenticityoftheletter，atokenwasadded：aringthatHayeswore，andthathismotherhadgivenhim。
Themissiveswere，aftersomeconsultation，entrustedtothecareofthetallhalberdier，whoseemedtorankassecondincommandoftheforcesthatmarchedunderCorporalBrock。ThisgentlemanwascalledindifferentlyEnsign，Mr。，orevenCaptainMacshane；hisintimatesoccasionallyinsportcalledhimNosey，fromtheprominenceofthatfeatureinhiscountenance；orSpindleshins，fortheveryreasonwhichbroughtonthefirstEdwardasimilarnickname。Mr。MacshanethenquittedWorcester，mountedonHayes’shorse；leavingallpartiesatthe\"ThreeRooks\"notalittleanxiousforhisreturn。
Thiswasnottobeexpecteduntilthenextmorning；andawearynuitdenocesdidMr。Hayespass。Dinnerwasserved，and，accordingtopromise，Mr。Brockandhistwofriendsenjoyedthemealalongwiththebrideandbridegroom。Punchfollowed，andthiswastakenincompany；thencamesupper。Mr。Brockalonepartookofthis，theothertwogentlemenpreferringthesocietyoftheirpipesandthelandladyinthekitchen。
\"Itisasorryentertainment，Iconfess，\"saidtheex—corporal，\"andadismalwayforagentlemantospendhisbridalnight；butsomebodymuststaywithyou，mydears：forwhoknowsbutyoumighttakeafancytoscreamoutofwindow，andthentherewouldbemurder，andthedeuceandalltopay。Oneofusmuststay，andmyfriendsloveapipe，soyoumustputupwithmycompanyuntiltheycanrelieveguard。\"
Thereaderwillnot，ofcourse，expectthatthreepeoplewhoweretopassthenight，howeverunwillingly，togetherinaninn—room，shouldsittheredumbandmoody，andwithoutanypersonalcommunication；onthecontrary，Mr。Brock，asanoldsoldier，entertainedhisprisonerswiththeutmostcourtesy，anddidallthatlayinhispower，bythehelpofliquorandconversation，torendertheirdurancetolerable。Onthebridegroomhisattentionswereagooddealthrownaway：Mr。Hayesconsentedtodrinkcopiously，butcouldnotbemadetotalkmuch；and，infact，thefrightoftheseizure，thefatehangingoverhimshouldhisparentsrefusearansom，andthetremendousoutlayofmoneywhichwouldtakeplaceshouldtheyaccedetoit，weighedaltogetheronhismindsomuchasutterlytounmanit。
AsforMrs。Cat，Idon’tthinkshewasatallsorryinherhearttoseetheoldCorporal：forhehadbeenafriendofoldtimes——deartimestoher；shehadhadfromhim，too，andfeltforhim，notalittlekindness；andtherewasreallyaverytender，innocentfriendshipsubsistingbetweenthispairofrascals，whorelishedmuchanight’sconversationtogether。
TheCorporal，aftertreatinghisprisonerstopunchingreatquantities，proposedtheamusementofcards：overwhichMr。Hayeshadnotbeenoccupiedmorethananhour，whenhefoundhimselfsoexcessivelysleepyastobepersuadedtoflinghimselfdownonthebeddressedashewas，andtheretosnoreawayuntilmorning。
Mrs。Catherinehadnoinclinationforsleep；andtheCorporal，equallywakeful，pliedincessantlythebottle，andheldwithheragreatdealofconversation。Thesleep，whichwasequivalenttotheabsence，ofJohnHayestookallrestraintfromtheirtalk。SheexplainedtoBrockthecircumstancesofhermarriage，whichwehavealreadydescribed；theywonderedatthechancewhichhadbroughtthemtogetheratthe\"ThreeRooks；\"nordidBrockatallhesitatetotellheratoncethathiscallingwasquiteillegal，andthathisintentionwassimplytoextortmoney。TheworthyCorporalhadnottheslightestshameregardinghisownprofession，andcutmanyjokeswithMrs。Cataboutherlateone；herattempttomurdertheCount，andherfutureprospectsasawife。
Andhere，havingbroughthimuponthesceneagain，wemayaswellshortlynarratesomeoftheprincipalcircumstanceswhichbefellhimafterhissuddendeparturefromBirmingham；andwhichhenarratedwithmuchcandourtoMrs。Catherine。
HerodetheCaptain’shorsetoOxford（havingexchangedhismilitarydressforacivilcostumeontheroad），andatOxfordhedisposedof\"GeorgeofDenmark，\"agreatbargain，tooneoftheheadsofcolleges。AssoonasMr。Brock，whotookonhimselfthestyleandtitleofCaptainWood，hadsufficientlyexaminedthecuriositiesoftheUniversity，heproceededatoncetothecapital：theonlyplaceforagentlemanofhisfortuneandfigure。
Hereheread，withagreatdealofphilosophicalindifference，intheDailyPost，theCourant，theObservator，theGazette，andthechiefjournalsofthosedays，whichhemadeapointofexaminingat\"Button’s\"and\"Will’s，\"anaccuratedescriptionofhisperson，hisclothes，andthehorseherode，andapromiseoffiftyguineas’
rewardtoanypersonwhowouldgiveanaccountofhim（sothathemightbecaptured）toCaptainCountGalgensteinatBirmingham，toMr。Murfeyatthe\"GoldenBall\"intheSavoy，orMr。Batesatthe\"BlewAnchorinPickadilly。\"ButCaptainWood，inanenormousfull—bottomedperiwigthatcosthimsixtypounds，*withhighredheelstohisshoes，asilversword，andagoldsnuff—box，andalargewound（obtained，hesaid，atthesiegeofBarcelona），whichdisfiguredmuchofhiscountenance，andcausedhimtocoveroneeye，wasinsmalldanger，hethought，ofbeingmistakenforCorporalBrock，thedeserterofCutts’s；andstruttedalongtheMallwithasgraveanairastheverybestnoblemanwhoappearedthere。Hewasgenerally，indeed，votedtobeverygoodcompany；andashisexpenseswereunlimited（\"Afewconventcandlesticks，\"mydear，heusedtowhisper，\"meltintoavastnumberofdoubloons\"），hecommandedasgoodsocietyashechosetoaskfor：anditwasspeedilyknownasafactthroughouttown，thatCaptainWood，whohadservedunderHisMajestyCharlesIII。ofSpain，hadcarriedoffthediamondpetticoatofOurLadyofCompostella，andlivedupontheproceedsofthefraud。PeopleweregoodProtestantsinthosedays，andmanyaonelongedtohavebeenhispartnerinthepiousplunder。
*IntheingeniouscontemporaryhistoryofMollFlanders，aperiwigismentionedascostingthatsum。
Allsurmisesconcerninghiswealth，CaptainWood，withmuchdiscretion，encouraged。Hecontradictednoreport，butwasquitereadytoconfirmall；andwhentwodifferentrumourswerepositivelyputtohim，heusedonlytolaugh，andsay，\"Mydearsir，_I_don’tmakethestories；butI’mnotcalledupontodenythem；andIgiveyoufairwarning，thatIshallassenttoeveryoneofthem；soyoumaybelievethemornot，asyouplease。\"Andsohehadthereputationofbeingagentleman，notonlywealthy，butdiscreet。Intruth，itwasalmostapitythatworthyBrockhadnotbeenagentlemanborn；inwhichcase，doubtless，hewouldhavelivedanddiedasbecamehisstation；forhespenthismoneylikeagentleman，helovedwomenlikeagentleman，hewouldfightlikeagentleman，hegambledandgotdrunklikeagentleman。Whatdidhewantelse？
Onlyamatterofsixdescents，alittlemoney，andanestate，torenderhimtheequalofSt。JohnorHarley。\"Ah，thoseweremerrydays！\"wouldMr。Brocksay，——forheloved，inagoodoldage，torecountthestoryofhisLondonfashionablecampaign；——\"andwhenI
thinkhownearIwastobecomeagreatman，andtodieperhapsageneral，Ican’tbutmarvelatthewickedobstinacyofmyill—luck。\"
\"IwilltellyouwhatIdid，mydear：IhadlodgingsinPiccadilly，asifIwerealord；Ihadtwolargeperiwigs，andthreesuitsoflacedclothes；IkeptalittleblackdressedoutlikeaTurk；I
walkeddailyintheMall；IdinedatthepolitestordinaryinCoventGarden；Ifrequentedthebestofcoffee—houses，andknewalltheprettyfellowsofthetown；IcrackedabottlewithMr。Addison，andlentmanyapiecetoDickSteele（asaddebauchedrogue，mydear）；
and，aboveall，I’lltellyouwhatIdid——thenobleststrokethatsureeveragentlemanperformedinmysituation。
\"Oneday，goinginto’Will’s，’Isawacrowdofgentlemengatheredtogether，andheardoneofthemsay，’CaptainWood！Idon’tknowtheman；buttherewasaCaptainWoodinSouthwell’sregiment。’Egad，itwasmyLordPeterboroughhimselfwhowastalkingaboutme。So，puttingoffmyhat，ImadeamostgraciouscongetomyLord，andsaidIknewHIM，androdebehindhimatBarcelonaonourentryintothattown。
\"’Nodoubtyoudid，CaptainWood，’saysmyLord，takingmyhand；
’andnodoubtyouknowme：formanymoreknowTomFool，thanTomFoolknows。’Andwiththis，atwhichallofuslaughed，myLordcalledforabottle，andheandIsatdownanddrankittogether。
\"Well，hewasindisgrace，asyouknow，buthegrewmightyfondofme，and——wouldyoubelieveit？——nothingwouldsatisfyhimbutpresentingmeatCourt！Yes，toHerSacredMajestytheQueen，andmyLadyMarlborough，whowasinhighfeather。Ay，truly，thesentinelsondutyusedtosalutemeasifIwereCorporalJohnhimself！Iwasonthehighroadtofortune。CharleyMordauntusedtocallmeJack，anddrinkcanaryatmychambers；IusedtomakeoneatmyLordTreasurer’slevee；IhadevengotMr。Army—SecretaryWalpoletotakeahundredguineasasacompliment：andhehadpromisedmeamajority：whenbadluckturned，andallmyfinehopeswereoverthrowninatwinkling。
\"Yousee，mydear，thatafterwehadleftthatgaby，Galgenstein，——ha，ha——withagaginhismouth，andtwopence—
halfpennyinhispocket，thehonestCountwasinthesorriestplightintheworld；owingmoneyhereandtheretotradesmen，acoolthousandtotheWarwickshireSquire：andallthisoneightypoundsayear！Well，foralittletimethetradesmenheldtheirhands；
whilethejollyCountmovedheavenandearthtocatchholdofhisdearCorporalandhisdearmoney—bagsoveragain，andplacardedeverytownfromLondontoLiverpoolwithdescriptionsofmyprettyperson。Thebirdwasflown，however，——themoneycleangone，——andwhentherewasnohopeofregainingit，whatdidthecreditorsdobutclapmygaygentlemanintoShrewsburygaol：whereIwishhehadrotted，formypart。
\"ButnosuchluckforhonestPeterBrock，orCaptainWood，ashewasinthosedays。OneblessedMondayIwenttowaitonMr。Secretary，andhesqueezedmyhandandwhisperedtomethatIwastobeMajorofaregimentinVirginia——theverything：foryousee，mydear，I
didn’tcareaboutjoiningmyLordDukeinFlanders；beingprettywellknowntothearmythere。TheSecretarysqueezedmyhand（ithadafifty—poundbillinit）andwishedmejoy，andcalledmeMajor，andbowedmeoutofhisclosetintotheante—room；and，asgayasmaybe，Iwentofftothe’Tilt—yardCoffee—house’inWhitehall，whichismuchfrequentedbygentlemenofourprofession，whereIbraggednotalittleofmygoodluck。
\"Amongstthecompanywereseveralofmyacquaintance，andamongstthemagentlemanIdidnotmuchcaretosee，lookyou！IsawauniformthatIknew——redandyellowfacings——Cutts’s，mydear；andthewearerofthiswasnootherthanhisExcellencyGustavusAdolphusMaximilian，whomweallknowof！
\"Hestaredmefullintheface，rightintomyeye（t’otheronewaspatched，youknow），andafterstandingstock—stillwithhismouthopen，gaveastepback，andthenastepforward，andthenscreechedout，’It’sBrock！’
\"’Ibegyourpardon，sir，’saysI；’didyouspeaktome？’
\"’I’llSWEARit’sBrock，’criesGal，assoonashehearsmyvoice，andlaidholdofmycuff（aprettybitofMechlinaseveryousaw，bytheway）。
\"’Sirrah！’saysI，drawingitback，andgivingmyLordalittletouchofthefist（justatthelastbuttonofthewaistcoat，mydear，——arareplaceifyouwishtopreventamanfromspeakingtoomuch：itsenthimreelingtotheotherendoftheroom）。’Ruffian！’
saysI。’Dog！’saysI。’Insolentpuppyandcoxcomb！whatdoyoumeanbylayingyourhandonme？’
\"’Faith，Major，yougivhimhisBILLYFUL，’roaredoutalongIrishunattachedensign，thatIhadtreatedwithmanyaglassofNantzatthetavern。Andso，indeed，Ihad；forthewretchcouldnotspeakforsomeminutes，andalltheofficersstoodlaughingathim，ashewrithedandwriggledhideously。
\"’Gentlemen，thisisamonstrousscandal，’saysoneofficer。’Menofrankandhonouratfistslikeaparcelofcarters！’
\"’Menofhonour！’saystheCount，whohadfetcheduphisbreathbythistime。（Imadeforthedoor，butMacshaneheldmeandsaid，’Major，youarenotgoingtoshirkhim，sure？’WhereuponIgrippedhishandandvowedIwouldhavethedog’slife。）
\"’Menofhonour！’saystheCount。’Itellyouthemanisadeserter，athief，andaswindler！Hewasmycorporal，andranawaywithathou——’
\"’Dog，youlie！’Iroaredout，andmadeanothercutathimwithmycane；butthegentlemenrushedbetweenus。
\"’Obluthanowns！’sayshonestMacshane，’thelyingscounthrelthisfellowis！Gentlemen，IswearbemehonourthatCaptainWoodwaswoundedatBarcelona；andthatIsawhimthere；andthatheandI
ranawaytogetheratthebattleofAlmanza，andbadlucktous。’
\"Yousee，mydear，thattheseIrishhavethestrongestimaginationsintheworld；andthatIhadactuallypersuadedpoorMacthatheandIwerefriendsinSpain。EverybodyknewMac，whowasacharacterinhisway，andbelievedhim。
\"’Strikeagentleman，’saysI。’I’llhaveyourblood，Iwill。’
\"’Thisinstant，’saystheCount，whowasboilingwithfury；’andwhereyoulike。’
\"’MontagueHouse，’saysI。’Good，’sayshe。Andoffwewent。Ingoodtimetoo，fortheconstablescameinatthethoughtofsuchadisturbance，andwantedtotakeusincharge。
\"Butthegentlemenpresent，beingmilitarymen，wouldnothearofthis。OutcameMac’srapier，andthatofhalf—a—dozenothers；andtheconstableswerethentoldtodotheirdutyiftheyliked，ortotakeacrown—piece，andleaveustoourselves。Offtheywent；andpresently，inacoupleofcoaches，theCountandhisfriends，Iandmine，droveofftothefieldsbehindMontagueHouse。Ohthatvilecoffee—house！whydidIenterit？
\"Wecametotheground。HonestMacshanewasmysecond，andmuchdisappointedbecausethesecondontheothersidewouldnotmakeafightofit，andexchangeafewpasseswithhim；buthewasanoldmajor，acoololdhand，asbraveassteel，andnofool。Well，theswordsaremeasured，Galgensteinstripsoffhisdoublet，andImyhandsomecut—velvetinlikefashion。Galgensteinflingsoffhishat，andIhandedmineover——thelaceonitcostmetwentypounds。
Ilongedtobeathim，for——cursehim！——Ihatehim，andknowthathehasnochancewithmeatsword’s—play。
\"’You’llnotfightinthatperiwig，sure？’saysMacshane。’Ofcoursenot，’saysI，andtookitoff。
\"Mayallbarbersberoastedinflames；mayallperiwigs，bobwigs，scratchwigs，andRamilliescocks，frizzleinpurgatoryfromthisdayforthtotheendoftime！Minewastheruinofme：whatmightI
nothavebeennowbutforthatwig！
\"IgaveitovertoEnsignMacshane，andwithitwentwhatIhadquiteforgotten，thelargepatchwhichIworeoveroneeye，whichpoppedoutfierce，staring，andlivelyaswaseveranyeyeintheworld。
\"’Comeon！’saysI，andmadealungeatmyCount；buthesprangback（thedogwasasactiveasahare，andknew，fromoldtimes，thatI
washismasterwiththesmall—sword），andhissecond，wondering，struckupmyblade。
\"’Iwillnotfightthatman，’sayshe，lookingmightypale。’I
swearuponmyhonourthathisnameisPeterBrock：hewasfortwoyearsmycorporal，anddeserted，runningawaywithathousandpoundsofmymoneys。Lookatthefellow！Whatisthematterwithhiseye？
whydidhewearapatchoverit？Butstop！’sayshe。’Ihavemoreproof。Handmemypocket—book。’Andfromit，sureenough，heproducedtheinfernalproclamationannouncingmydesertion！’Seeifthefellowhasascaracrosshisleftear’（andIcan’tsay，mydear，butwhatIhave：itwasdonebyacursedDutchmanattheBoyne）。’TellmeifhehasnotgotC。R。inblueuponhisrightarm’
（andthereitissureenough）。’YonderswaggeringIrishmanmaybehisaccompliceforwhatIknow；butIwillhavenodealingswithMr。
Brock，savewithaconstableforasecond。’
\"’Thisisanoddstory，CaptainWood，’saidtheoldMajorwhoactedfortheCount。
\"’Ascounthrellyfalsehoodregardingmeandmyfriend！’shoutedoutMr。Macshane；’andtheCountshallanswerforit。’
\"’Stop，stop！’saystheMajor。’CaptainWoodistoogallantagentleman，Iamsure，nottosatisfytheCount；andwillshowusthathehasnosuchmarkonhisarmasonlyprivatesoldiersputthere。’
\"’CaptainWood，’saysI，’willdonosuchthing，Major。I’llfightthatscoundrelGalgenstein，oryou，oranyofyou，likeamanofhonour；butIwon’tsubmittobesearchedlikeathief！’
\"’No，incoorse，’saidMacshane。
\"’Imusttakemymanofftheground，’saystheMajor。
\"’Well，takehim，sir，’saysI，inarage；’andjustletmehavethepleasureoftellinghimthathe’sacowardandaliar；andthatmylodgingsareinPiccadilly，where，ifeverhefindscouragetomeetme，hemayhearofme！’
\"’Faugh！Ishpitonyeall，’criesmygallantallyMacshane。Andsureenoughhekepthisword，orallbut——suitingtheactiontoitatanyrate。
\"Andsowegatheredupourclothes，andwentbackinourseparatecoaches，andnobloodspilt。
\"’Andisitthruenow，’saidMr。Macshane，whenwewerealone——’isitthruenow，allthesedivvleshavebeensaying？’’Ensign，’saysI，’you’reamanoftheworld？’
\"’’DeedandIam，andinsignthesetwenty—twoyears。’
\"’Perhapsyou’dlikeafewpieces？’saysI。
\"’FaithandIshould；fortotellyouthesecredthrut，I’venottastedmatethesefourdays。’
\"’Wellthen，Ensign，itIStrue，’saysI；’andasformeat，youshallhavesomeatthefirstcook—shop。’Ibadethecoachstopuntilheboughtaplateful，whichheateinthecarriage，formytimewasprecious。Ijusttoldhimthewholestory：atwhichhelaughed，andsworethatitwasthebestpieceofGENERALSHIPheeverheardon。Whenhisbellywasfull，Itookoutacoupleofguineasandgavethemtohim。Mr。Macshanebegantocryatthis，andkissedme，andsworeheneverwoulddesertme：as，indeed，mydear，I
don’tthinkhewill；forwehavebeenthebestoffriendseversince，andhe’stheonlymanIevercouldtrust，Ithink。
\"Idon’tknowwhatputitintomyhead，butIhadascentofsomemischiefinthewind；sostoppedthecoachalittlebeforeIgothome，and，turningintoatavern，beggedMacshanetogobeforemetomylodging，andseeifthecoastwasclear：whichhedid；andcamebacktomeaspaleasdeath，sayingthatthehousewasfullofconstables。ThecursedquarrelattheTilt—yardhad，Isuppose，setthebeaksuponme；andaprettysweeptheymadeofit。Ah，mydear！
fivehundredpoundsinmoney，fivesuitsoflacedclothes，threeperiwigs，besideslacedshirts，swords，canes，andsnuff—boxes；andalltogobacktothatscoundrelCount。
\"Itwasalloverwithme，Isaw——nomorebeingagentlemanforme；
andifIremainedtobecaught，onlyachoicebetweenTyburnandafileofgrenadiers。Mylove，undersuchcircumstances，agentlemancan’tbeparticular，andmustbeprompt；thelivery—stablewashardbywhereIusedtohiremycoachtogotoCourt，——ha！ha！——andwasknownasamanofsubstance。ThitherIwentimmediately。’Mr。
Warmmash，’saysI，’mygallantfriendhereandIhaveamindforarideandasupperatTwickenham，soyoumustlendusapairofyourbesthorses。’Whichhedidinatwinkling，andoffwerode。
\"WedidnotgointothePark，butturnedoffandcanteredsmartlyuptowardsKilburn；and，whenwegotintothecountry，gallopedasifthedevilwereatourheels。Blessyou，mylove，itwasalldoneinaminute：andtheEnsignandIfoundourselvesregularknightsoftheroad，beforeweknewwherewewerealmost。Onlythinkofourfindingyouandyournewhusbandatthe’ThreeRooks’！There’snotagreaterfencethanthelandladyinallthecountry。Itwasshethatputusonseizingyourhusband，andintroducedustotheothertwogentlemen，whosenamesIdon’tknowanymorethanthedead。\"
\"Andwhatbecameofthehorses？\"saidMrs。CatherinetoMr。Brock，whenhistalewasfinished。