Yes;mydeargirl，theseprudentyoungmenwantallthefirenecessarytofermenttheirfaculties，andarecharacterizedaswise，onlybecausetheyarenotfoolish。Itistrue，thatGeorgewasbynomeanssogreatafavouriteofmineasduringthefirstyearofouracquaintance;still，asheoftencoincidedinopinionwithme，andechoedmysentiments;andhavingmyselfnootherattachment，Iheardwithpleasuremyuncle’sproposal;butthoughtmoreofobtainingmyfreedom，thanofmylover。But，whenGeorge，seeminglyanxiousformyhappiness，pressedmetoquitmypresentpainfulsituation，myheartswelledwithgratitude——Iknewnotthatmyunclehadpromisedhimfivethousandpounds。
Hadthistrulygenerousmanmentionedhisintentiontome，Ishouldhaveinsistedonathousandpoundsbeingsettledoneachofmysisters;Georgewouldhavecontested;Ishouldhaveseenhisselfishsoul;and——graciousGod！havebeensparedthemiseryofdiscovering，whentoolate，thatIwasunitedtoaheartless，unprincipledwretch。Allmyschemesofusefulnesswouldnotthenhavebeenblasted。Thetendernessofmyheartwouldnothaveheatedmyimaginationwithvisionsoftheineffabledelightofhappylove;
norwouldthesweetdutyofamotherhavebeensocruellyinterrupted。
ButImustnotsufferthefortitudeIhavesohardlyacquired，tobeunderminedbyunavailingregret。LetmehastenforwardtodescribetheturbidstreaminwhichIhadtowade——butletmeexultinglydeclarethatitispassed——mysoulholdsfellowshipwithhimnomore。HecuttheGordianknot，whichmyprinciples，mistakenones，respected;hedissolvedthetie，thefettersrather，thatateintomyveryvitals——andIshouldrejoice，consciousthatmymindisfreed，thoughconfinedinhellitself，theonlyplacethatevenfancycanimaginemoredreadfulthanmypresentabode。
Thesevaryingemotionswillnotallowmetoproceed。Iheavesighaftersigh;yetmyheartisstilloppressed。ForwhatamI
reserved？WhywasInotbornaman，orwhywasIbornatall？
CHAPTER9
\"IRESUMEmypentoflyfromthought。Iwasmarried;andwehastenedtoLondon。Ihadpurposedtakingoneofmysisterswithme;forastrongmotiveformarrying，wasthedesireofhavingahomeatwhichIcouldreceivethem，nowtheirowngrewsouncomfortable，asnottodeservethecheeringappellation。Anobjectionwasmadetoheraccompanyingme，thatappearedplausible;andIreluctantlyacquiesced。IwashoweverwillinglyallowedtotakewithmeMolly，poorPeggy’sdaughter。Londonandpreferment，areideascommonlyassociatedinthecountry;and，asbloomingasMay，shebadeadieutoPeggywithweepingeyes。Ididnotevenfeelhurtattherefusalinrelationtomysister，tillhearingwhatmyunclehaddoneforme，Ihadthesimplicitytorequest，speakingwithwarmthoftheirsituation，thathewouldgivethemathousandpoundsa—piece，whichseemedtomebutjustice。Heaskedme，givingmeakiss，’IfI
hadlostmysenses？’Istartedback，asifIhadfoundawaspinarose—bush。Iexpostulated。Hesneered：andthedemonofdiscordenteredourparadise，topoisonwithhispestiferousbreatheveryopeningjoy。
\"Ihadsometimesobserveddefectsinmyhusband’sunderstanding;
but，ledastraybyaprevailingopinion，thatgoodnessofdispositionisofthefirstimportanceintherelativesituationsoflife，inproportionasIperceivedthenarrownessofhisunderstanding，fancyenlargedtheboundaryofhisheart。Fatalerror！Howquicklyisthesomuchvauntedmilkinessofnatureturnedintogall，byanintercoursewiththeworld，ifmoregenerousjuicesdonotsustainthevitalsourceofvirtue！
\"Onetraitinmycharacterwasextremecredulity;but，whenmyeyeswereonceopened，IsawbuttooclearlyallIhadbeforeoverlooked。Myhusbandwassunkinmyesteem;stillthereareyouthfulemotions，which，forawhile，fillupthechasmofloveandfriendship。Besides，itrequiredsometimetoenablemetoseehiswholecharacterinajustlight，orrathertoallowittobecomefixed。Whilecircumstanceswereripeningmyfaculties，andcultivatingmytaste，commerceandgrossrelaxationswereshuttinghisagainstanypossibilityofimprovement，till，bystiflingeverysparkofvirtueinhimself，hebegantoimaginethatitnowhereexisted。
\"Donotletmeleadyouastray，mychild，Idonotmeantoassert，thatanyhumanbeingisentirelyincapableoffeelingthegenerousemotions，whicharethefoundationofeverytrueprincipleofvirtue;buttheyarefrequently，Ifear，sofeeble，that，liketheinflammablequalitywhichmoreorlesslurksinallbodies，theyoftenlieforeverdormant;thecircumstancesneveroccurring，necessarytocallthemintoaction。
\"Idiscoveredhoweverbychance，that，inconsequenceofsomelossesintrade，thenaturaleffectofhisgamblingdesiretostartsuddenlyintoriches，thefivethousandpoundsgivenmebymyuncle，hadbeenpaidveryopportunely。Thisdiscovery，strangeasyoumaythinktheassertion，gavemepleasure;myhusband’sembarrassmentsendearedhimtome。Iwasgladtofindanexcuseforhisconducttomysisters，andmymindbecamecalmer。
\"Myuncleintroducedmetosomeliterarysociety;andthetheatreswereanever—failingsourceofamusementtome。MydelightedeyefollowedMrs。Siddons，when，withdignifieddelicacy，sheplayedCalifta;andIinvoluntarilyrepeatedafterher，inthesametone，andwithalong—drawnsigh，’Heartslikeour’swerepair’d——notmatch’d。’
\"Thesewere，atfirst，spontaneousemotions，though，becomingacquaintedwithmenofwitandpolishedmanners，Icouldnotsometimeshelpregrettingmyearlymarriage;andthat，inmyhastetoescapefromatemporarydependence，andexpandmynewlyfledgedwings，inanunknownsky，Ihadbeencaughtinatrap，andcagedforlife。StillthenoveltyofLondon，andtheattentivefondnessofmyhusband，forhehadsomepersonalregardforme，madeseveralmonthsglideaway。Yet，notforgettingthesituationofmysisters，whowerestillveryyoung，Iprevailedonmyuncletosettleathousandpoundsoneach;andtoplacetheminaschoolneartown，whereIcouldfrequentlyvisit，aswellashavethemathomewithme。
\"Inowtriedtoimprovemyhusband’staste，butwehadfewsubjectsincommon;indeedhesoonappearedtohavelittlerelishformysociety，unlesshewashintingtometheusehecouldmakeofmyuncle’swealth。Whenwehadcompany，Iwasdisgustedbyanostentatiousdisplayofriches，andIhaveoftenquittedtheroom，toavoidlisteningtoexaggeratedtalesofmoneyobtainedbyluckyhits。
\"Withallmyattentionandaffectionateinterest，IperceivedthatIcouldnotbecomethefriendorconfidentofmyhusband。
EverythingIlearnedrelativetohisaffairsIgatheredupbyaccident;andIvainlyendeavouredtoestablish，atourfire—side，thatsocialconverse，whichoftenrenderspeopleofdifferentcharactersdeartoeachother。Returningfromthetheatre，oranyamusingparty，IfrequentlybegantorelatewhatIhadseenandhighlyrelished;butwithsullentaciturnityhesoonsilencedme。
Iseemedthereforegraduallytolose，inhissociety，thesoul，theenergiesofwhichhadjustbeeninaction。Tosuchadegree，infact，didhiscold，reservedmanneraffectme，that，afterspendingsomedayswithhimalone，Ihaveimaginedmyselfthemoststupidcreatureintheworld，tilltheabilitiesofsomecasualvisitorconvincedmethatIhadsomedormantanimation，andsentimentsabovethedustinwhichIhadbeengroveling。Theverycountenanceofmyhusbandchanged;hiscomplexionbecamesallow，andallthecharmsofyouthwerevanishingwithitsvivacity。
\"Igiveyouoneviewofthesubject;buttheseexperimentsandalterationstookupthespaceoffiveyears;duringwhichperiod，Ihadmostreluctantlyextortedseveralsumsfrommyuncle，tosavemyhusband，tousehisownwords，fromdestruction。
Atfirstitwastopreventbillsbeingnoted，totheinjuryofhiscredit;thentobailhim;andafterwardstopreventanexecutionfromenteringthehouse。Ibeganatlasttoconclude，thathewouldhavemademoreexertionsofhisowntoextricatehimself，hadhenotreliedonmine，cruelaswasthetaskheimposedonme;
andIfirmlydeterminedthatIwouldmakeuseofnomorepretexts。
\"FromthemomentIpronouncedthisdetermination，indifferenceonhispartwaschangedintorudeness，orsomethingworse。
\"Henowseldomdinedathome，andcontinuallyreturnedatalatehour，drunk，tobed。Iretiredtoanotherapartment;Iwasglad，Iown，toescapefromhis;forpersonalintimacywithoutaffection，seemed，tomethemostdegrading，aswellasthemostpainfulstateinwhichawomanofanytaste，nottospeakofthepeculiardelicacyoffosteredsensibility，couldbeplaced。Butmyhusband’sfondnessforwomenwasofthegrossestkind，andimaginationwassowhollyoutofthequestion，astorenderhisindulgencesofthissortentirelypromiscuous，andofthemostbrutalnature。Myhealthsuffered，beforemyheartwasentirelyestrangedbytheloathsomeinformation;couldIthenhavereturnedtohissulliedarms，butasavictimtotheprejudicesofmankind，whohavemadewomenthepropertyoftheirhusbands？Idiscoveredeven，byhisconversation，whenintoxicatedthathisfavouriteswerewantonsofthelowestclass，whocouldbytheirvulgar，indecentmirth，whichhecallednature，rousehissluggishspirits。
Meretriciousornamentsandmannerswerenecessarytoattracthisattention。Heseldomlookedtwiceatamodestwoman，andsatsilentintheircompany;andthecharmsofyouthandbeautyhadnottheslightesteffectonhissenses，unlessthepossessorswereinitiatedinvice。Hisintimacywithprofligatewomen，andhishabitsofthinking，gavehimacontemptforfemaleendowments;andhewouldrepeat，whenwinehadloosedhistongue，mostofthecommon—placesarcasmslevelledatthem，bymenwhodonotallowthemtohaveminds，becausemindwouldbeanimpedimenttogrossenjoyment。
Menwhoareinferiortotheirfellowmen，arealwaysmostanxioustoestablishtheirsuperiorityoverwomen。Butwherearethesereflectionsleadingme？
\"Womenwhohavelosttheirhusband’saffection，arejustlyreprovedforneglectingtheirpersons，andnottakingthesamepainstokeep，astogainaheart;butwhothinksofgivingthesameadvicetomen，thoughwomenarecontinuallystigmatizedforbeingattachedtofops;andfromthenatureoftheireducation，aremoresusceptibleofdisgust？Yetwhyawomanshouldbeexpectedtoendureasloven，withmorepatiencethanaman，andmagnanimouslytogovernherself，Icannotconceive;unlessitbesupposedarrogantinhertolookforrespectaswellasamaintenance。Itisnoteasytobepleased，because，afterpromisingtolove，indifferentcircumstances，wearetoldthatitisourduty。Icannot，Iamsure（though，whenattendingthesick，Ineverfeltdisgust）forgetmyownsensations，whenrisingwithhealthandspirit，andafterscentingthesweetmorning，Ihavemetmyhusbandatthebreakfasttable。TheactiveattentionIhadbeengivingtodomesticregulations，whichweregenerallysettledbeforeherose，orawalk，gaveaglowtomycountenance，thatcontrastedwithhissquallidappearance。Thesqueamishnessofstomachalone，producedbythelastnight’sintemperance，whichhetooknopainstoconceal，destroyedmyappetite。IthinkInowseehimlollinginanarm—chair，inadirtypowderinggown，soiledlinen，ungarteredstockings，andtangledhair，yawningandstretchinghimself。Thenewspaperwasimmediatelycalledfor，ifnotbroughtinonthetea—board，fromwhichhewouldscarcelylifthiseyeswhileIpouredoutthetea，exceptingtoaskforsomebrandytoputintoit，ortodeclarethathecouldnoteat。Inanswertoanyquestion，inhisbesthumour，itwasadrawling’Whatdoyousay，child？’ButifIdemandedmoneyforthehouseexpences，whichIputofftillthelastmoment，hiscustomaryreply，oftenprefacedwithanoath，was，’Doyouthinkme，madam，madeofmoney？’——Thebutcher，thebaker，mustwait;and，whatwasworse，Iwasoftenobligedtowitnesshissurlydismissionoftradesmen，whowereinwantoftheirmoney，andwhomIsometimespaidwiththepresentsmyunclegavemeformyownuse。
Atthisjuncturemyfather’smistress，byterrifyinghisconscience，prevailedonhimtomarryher;hewasalreadybecomeamethodist;andmybrother，whonowpractisedforhimself，haddiscoveredaflawinthesettlementmadeonmymother’schildren，whichsetitaside，andheallowedmyfather，whosedistressmadehimsubmittoanything，atitheofhisown，orratherourfortune。
Mysistershadleftschool，butwereunabletoendurehome，whichmyfather’swiferenderedasdisagreeableaspossible，togetridofgirlswhomsheregardedasspiesonherconduct。Theywereaccomplished，yetyoucan（mayyouneverbereducedtothesamedestitutestate！）scarcelyconceivethetroubleIhadtoplacetheminthesituationofgovernesses，theonlyoneinwhichevenawell—educatedwoman，withmorethanordinarytalents，canstruggleforasubsistence;andeventhisisadependencenexttomenial。
Isitthensurprising，thatsomanyforlornwomen，withhumanpassionsandfeelings，takerefugeininfamy？Aloneinlargemansions，Isayalone，becausetheyhadnocompanionswithwhomtheycouldconverseonequalterms，orfromwhomtheycouldexpecttheendearmentsofaffection，theygrewmelancholy，andthesoundofjoymadethemsad;andtheyoungest，havingamoredelicateframe，fellintoadecline。ItwaswithgreatdifficultythatI，whonowalmostsupportedthehousebyloansfrommyuncle，couldprevailonthe_master_ofit，toallowheraroomtodiein。
Iwatchedhersickbedforsomemonths，andthenclosedhereyes，gentlespirit！forever。Shewaspretty，withveryengagingmanners;
yethadneveranopportunitytomarry，exceptingtoaveryoldman。
Shehadabilitiessufficienttohaveshoneinanyprofession，hadtherebeenanyprofessionsforwomen，thoughsheshrunkatthenameofmillinerormantua—makerasdegradingtoagentlewoman。Iwouldnottermthisfeelingfalsepridetoanyonebutyou，mychild，whomIfondlyhopetosee（yes;Iwillindulgethehopeforamoment！）possessedofthatenergyofcharacterwhichgivesdignitytoanystation;andwiththatclear，firmspiritthatwillenableyoutochooseasituationforyourself，orsubmittobeclassedinthelowest，ifitbetheonlyoneinwhichyoucanbethemistressofyourownactions。
\"Soonafterthedeathofmysister，anincidentoccurred，toprovetomethattheheartofalibertineisdeadtonaturalaffection;andtoconvinceme，thatthebeingwhohasappearedalltenderness，togratifyaselfishpassion，isasregardlessoftheinnocentfruitofit，asoftheobject，whenthefitisover。
Ihadcasuallyobservedanold，meanlookingwoman，whocalledonmyhusbandeverytwoorthreemonthstoreceivesomemoney。Onedayenteringthepassageofhislittlecounting—house，asshewasgoingout，Iheardhersay，’Thechildisveryweak;shecannotlivelong，shewillsoondieoutofyourway，soyouneednotgrudgeheralittlephysic。’
\"’Somuchthebetter，’hereplied，’andpraymindyourownbusiness，goodwoman。’
\"Iwasstruckbyhisunfeeling，inhumantoneofvoice，anddrewback，determinedwhenthewomancameagain，totrytospeaktoher，notoutofcuriosity，Ihadheardenough，butwiththehopeofbeingusefultoapoor，outcastgirl。
\"AmonthortwoelapsedbeforeIsawthiswomanagain;andthenshehadachildinherhandthattotteredalong，scarcelyabletosustainherownweight。Theyweregoingaway，toreturnatthehourMr。Venableswasexpected;hewasnowfromhome。Idesiredthewomantowalkintotheparlour。Shehesitated，yetobeyed。
IassuredherthatIshouldnotmentiontomyhusband（thewordseemedtoweighonmyrespiration），thatIhadseenher，orhischild。Thewomanstaredatmewithastonishment;andIturnedmyeyesonthesqualidobject[thataccompaniedher。]Shecouldhardlysupportherself，hercomplexionwassallow，andhereyesinflamed，withanindescribablelookofcunning，mixedwiththewrinklesproducedbythepeevishnessofpain。
\"Poorchild！’Iexclaimed。’Ah！youmaywellsaypoorchild，’
repliedthewoman。’Ibroughtherheretoseewhetherhewouldhavethehearttolookather，andnotgetsomeadvice。Idonotknowwhattheydeservewhonursedher。Why，herlegsbentunderherlikeabowwhenshecametome，andshehasneverbeenwellsince;but，iftheywerenobetterpaidthanIam，itisnottobewonderedat，sureenough。’
\"OnfurtherenquiryIwasinformed，thatthismiserablespectaclewasthedaughterofaservant，acountrygirl，whocaughtMr。Venables’eye，andwhomheseduced。Onhismarriagehesentheraway，hersituationbeingtoovisible。Afterherdelivery，shewasthrownonthetown;anddiedinanhospitalwithintheyear。
Thebabewassenttoaparish—nurse，andafterwardstothiswoman，whodidnotseemmuchbetter;butwhatwastobeexpectedfromsuchaclosebargain？Shewasonlypaidthreeshillingsaweekforboardandwashing。
\"Thewomanbeggedmetogivehersomeoldclothesforthechild，assuringme，thatshewasalmostafraidtoaskmasterformoneytobuyevenapairofshoes。
\"Igrewsickatheart。And，fearingMr。Venablesmightenter，andobligemetoexpressmyabhorrence，Ihastilyenquiredwhereshelived，promisedtopayhertwoshillingsaweekmore，andtocallonherinadayortwo;puttingatrifleintoherhandasaproofofmygoodintention。
\"Ifthestateofthischildaffectedme，whatweremyfeelingsatadiscoveryImaderespectingPeggy——？*
*Themanuscriptisimperfecthere。Anepisodeseemstohavebeenintended，whichwasnevercommittedtopaper。
EDITOR。[Godwin’snote]
CHAPTER1O
\"MYFATHER’Ssituationwasnowsodistressing，thatIprevailedonmyuncletoaccompanymetovisithim;andtolendmehisassistance，topreventthewholepropertyofthefamilyfrombecomingthepreyofmybrother’srapacity;for，toextricatehimselfoutofpresentdifficulties，myfatherwastotallyregardlessoffuturity。Itookdownwithmesomepresentsformystep—mother;itdidnotrequireaneffortformetotreatherwithcivility，ortoforgetthepast。
\"ThiswasthefirsttimeIhadvisitedmynativevillage，sincemymarriage。ButwithwhatdifferentemotionsdidIreturnfromthebusyworld，withaheavyweightofexperiencebenumbingmyimagination，toscenes，thatwhisperedrecollectionsofjoyandhopemosteloquentlytomyheart！Thefirstscentofthewildflowersfromtheheath，thrilledthroughmyveins，awakeningeverysensetopleasure。Theicyhandofdespairseemedtoberemovedfrommybosom;and——forgettingmyhusband——thenurturedvisionsofaromanticmind，burstingonmewithalltheiroriginalwildnessandgayexuberance，wereagainhailedassweetrealities。Iforgot，withequalfacility，thatIeverfeltsorrow，orknewcareinthecountry;whileatransientrainbowstoleathwartthecloudyskyofdespondency。Thepicturesqueformofseveralfavouritetrees，andtheporchesofrudecottages，withtheirsmilinghedges，wererecognizedwiththegladsomeplayfulnessofchildishvivacity。
Icouldhavekissedthechickensthatpeckedonthecommon;
andlongedtopatthecows，andfrolicwiththedogsthatsportedonit。Igazedwithdelightonthewindmill，andthoughtitluckythatitshouldbeinmotion，atthemomentIpassedby;andenteringthedeargreenlane，whichleddirectlytothevillage，thesoundofthewell—knownrookerygavethatsentimentaltingetothevaryingsensationsofmyactivesoul，whichonlyservedtoheightenthelustreoftheluxuriantscenery。But，spying，asIadvanced，thespire，peepingoverthewitheredtopsoftheagedelmsthatcomposedtherookery，mythoughtsflewimmediatelytothechurchyard，andtearsofaffection，suchwastheeffectofmyimagination，bedewedmymother’sgrave！Sorrowgaveplacetodevotionalfeelings。
Iwanderedthroughthechurchinfancy，asIusedsometimestodoonaSaturdayevening。IrecollectedwithwhatfervourIaddressedtheGodofmyyouth：andoncemorewithrapturouslovelookedabovemysorrowstotheFatherofnature。Ipause——feelingforciblyalltheemotionsIamdescribing;and（reminded，asIregistermysorrows，ofthesublimecalmIhavefelt，wheninsometremendoussolitude，mysoulrestedonitself，andseemedtofilltheuniverse）
Iinsensiblybreathesoft，hushingeverywaywardemotion，asiffearingtosullywithasigh，acontentmentsoextatic。
\"Havingsettledmyfather’saffairs，and，bymyexertionsinhisfavour，mademybrothermyswornfoe，IreturnedtoLondon。
Myhusband’sconductwasnowchanged;Ihadduringmyabsence，receivedseveralaffectionate，penitentiallettersfromhim;andheseemedonmyarrival，towishbyhisbehaviourtoprovehissincerity。Icouldnotthenconceivewhyheactedthus;and，whenthesuspiciondartedintomyhead，thatitmightarisefromobservingmyincreasinginfluencewithmyuncle，Ialmostdespisedmyselfforimaginingthatsuchadegreeofdebasingselfishnesscouldexist。
\"Hebecame，unaccountableaswasthechange，tenderandattentive;and，attackingmyweakside，madeaconfessionofhisfollies，andlamentedtheembarrassmentsinwhichI，whomeritedafardifferentfate，mightbeinvolved。Hebesoughtmetoaidhimwithmycounsel，praisedmyunderstanding，andappealedtothetendernessofmyheart。
\"Thisconductonlyinspiredmewithcompassion。Iwishedtobehisfriend;butlovehadspreadhisrosypinionsandfledfar，faraway;andhadnot（likesomeexquisiteperfumes，thefinespiritofwhichiscontinuallyminglingwiththeair）leftafragrancebehind，tomarkwherehehadshookhiswings。Myhusband’srenewedcaressesthenbecamehatefultome;hisbrutalitywastolerable，comparedtohisdistastefulfondness。Still，compassion，andthefearofinsultinghissupposedfeelings，byawantofsympathy，mademedissemble，anddoviolencetomydelicacy。Whatatask！
\"ThosewhosupportasystemofwhatItermfalserefinement，andwillnotallowgreatpartofloveinthefemale，aswellasmalebreast，tospringinsomerespectsinvoluntarily，maynotadmitthatcharmsareasnecessarytofeedthepassion，asvirtuestoconvertthemellowingspiritintofriendship。TosuchobserversIhavenothingtosay，anymorethantothemoralists，whoinsistthatwomenoughtto，andcanlovetheirhusbands，becauseitistheirduty。Toyou，mychild，Imayadd，withahearttremblinglyalivetoyourfutureconduct，someobservations，dictatedbymypresentfeelings，oncalmlyreviewingthisperiodofmylife。Whennovelistsormoralistspraiseasavirtue，awoman’scoldnessofconstitution，andwantofpassion;andmakeheryieldtotheardourofherloveroutofsheercompassion，ortopromoteafrigidplanoffuturecomfort，Iamdisgusted。Theymaybegoodwomen，intheordinaryacceptationofthephrase，anddonoharm;buttheyappeartomenottohavethose’finelyfashionednerves，’whichrenderthesensesexquisite。Theymaypossesstenderness;buttheywantthatfireoftheimagination，whichproduces_active_sensibility，and_positive__virtue_。Howdoesthewomandeservetobecharacterized，whomarriesoneman，withaheartandimaginationdevotedtoanother？Isshenotanobjectofpityorcontempt，whenthussacrilegiouslyviolatingthepurityofherownfeelings？Nay，itisasindelicate，whensheisindifferent，unlessshebeconstitutionallyinsensible;thenindeeditisamereaffairofbarter;andIhavenothingtodowiththesecretsoftrade。Yes;
eagerlyasIwishyoutopossesstruerectitudeofmind，andpurityofaffection，Imustinsistthataheartlessconductisthecontraryofvirtuous。Truthistheonlybasisofvirtue;andwecannot，withoutdepravingourminds，endeavourtopleasealoverorhusband，butinproportionashepleasesus。Men，moreeffectuallytoenslaveus，mayinculcatethispartialmorality，andlosesightofvirtueinsubdividingitintothedutiesofparticularstations;
butletusnotblushfornaturewithoutacause！
\"Aftertheseremarks，Iamashamedtoown，thatIwaspregnant。
Thegreatestsacrificeofmyprinciplesinmywholelife，wastheallowingmyhusbandagaintobefamiliarwithmyperson，thoughtothiscruelactofself—denial，whenIwishedtheearthtoopenandswallowme，youoweyourbirth;andItheunutterablepleasureofbeingamother。Therewassomethingofdelicacyinmyhusband’sbridalattentions;butnowhistaintedbreath，pimpledface，andblood—shoteyes，werenotmorerepugnanttomysenses，thanhisgrossmanners，andlovelessfamiliaritytomytaste。
\"Amanwouldonlybeexpectedtomaintain;yes，barelygrantasubsistence，toawomanrenderedodiousbyhabitualintoxication;
butwhowouldexpecthim，orthinkitpossibletoloveher？Andunless’youth，andgenialyearswereflown，’itwouldbethoughtequallyunreasonabletoinsist，[underpenaltyof]forfeitingalmosteverythingreckonedvaluableinlife，thatheshouldnotloveanother：whilstwoman，weakinreason，impotentinwill，isrequiredtomoralize，sentimentalizeherselftostone，andpineherlifeaway，labouringtoreformherembrutedmate。Hemayevenspendindissipation，andintemperance，theveryintemperancewhichrendershimsohateful，herproperty，andbystintingherexpences，notpermithertobeguileinsociety，awearisome，joylesslife;forovertheirmutualfortuneshehasnopower，itmustallpassthroughhishand。Andifshebeamother，andinthepresentstateofwomen，itisagreatmisfortunetobepreventedfromdischargingtheduties，andcultivatingtheaffectionsofone，whathasshenottoendure？——ButIhavesufferedthetendernessofonetoleadmeintoreflectionsthatIdidnotthinkofmaking，tointerruptmynarrative——yetthefullheartwilloverflow。
\"Mr。Venables’embarrassmentsdidnotnowendearhimtome;
still，anxioustobefriendhim，Iendeavouredtoprevailonhimtoretrenchhisexpences;buthehadalwayssomeplausibleexcusetogive，tojustifyhisnotfollowingmyadvice。Humanity，compassion，andtheinterestproducedbyahabitoflivingtogether，mademetrytorelieve，andsympathizewithhim;but，whenIrecollectedthatIwasboundtolivewithsuchabeingforever——myheartdiedwithinme;mydesireofimprovementbecamelanguid，andbaleful，corrodingmelancholytookpossessionofmysoul。Marriagehadbastilledmeforlife。Idiscoveredinmyselfacapacityfortheenjoymentofthevariouspleasuresexistenceaffords;yet，fetteredbythepartiallawsofsociety，thisfairglobewastomeanuniversalblank。
\"WhenIexhortedmyhusbandtoeconomy，Ireferredtohimself。
Iwasobligedtopractisethemostrigid，orcontractdebts，whichIhadtoomuchreasontofearwouldneverbepaid。Idespisedthispaltryprivilegeofawife，whichcanonlybeofusetotheviciousorinconsiderate，anddeterminednottoincreasethetorrentthatwasbearinghimdown。Iwasthenignorantoftheextentofhisfraudulentspeculations，whomIwasboundtohonourandobey。
\"Awomanneglectedbyherhusband，orwhosemannersformastrikingcontrastwithhis，willalwayshavemenonthewatchtosootheandflatterher。Besides，theforlornstateofaneglectedwoman，notdestituteofpersonalcharms，isparticularlyinteresting，androusesthatspeciesofpity，whichissonearakin，iteasilyslidesintolove。Amanoffeelingthinksnotofseducing，heishimselfseducedbyallthenoblestemotionsofhissoul。Hefigurestohimselfallthesacrificesawomanofsensibilitymustmake，andeverysituationinwhichhisimaginationplacesher，toucheshisheart，andfireshispassions。Longingtotaketohisbosomtheshornlamb，andbidthedroopingbudsofhoperevive，benevolencechangesintopassion：andshouldhethendiscoverthatheisbeloved，honourbindshimfast，thoughforeseeingthathemayafterwardsbeobligedtopayseveredamagestotheman，whoneverappearedtovaluehiswife’ssociety，tillhefoundthattherewasachanceofhisbeingindemnifiedforthelossofit。
\"Sucharethepartiallawsenactedbymen;for，onlytolayastressonthedependentstateofawomaninthegrandquestionofthecomfortsarisingfromthepossessionofproperty，sheis[eveninthisarticle]muchmoreinjuredbythelossofthehusband’saffection，thanhebythatofhiswife;yetwhereisshe，condemnedtothesolitudeofadesertedhome，tolookforacompensationfromthewoman，whoseduceshimfromher？Shecannotdriveanunfaithfulhusbandfromhishouse，norseparate，ortear，hischildrenfromhim，howeverculpablehemaybe;andhe，stillthemasterofhisownfate，enjoysthesmilesofaworld，thatwouldbrandherwithinfamy，didshe，seekingconsolation，venturetoretaliate。
\"Theseremarksarenotdictatedbyexperience;butmerelybythecompassionIfeelformanyamiablewomen，the_outlaws_oftheworld。Formyself，neverencouraginganyoftheadvancesthatweremadetome，myloversdroppedoffliketheuntimelyshootsofspring。Ididnotevencoquetwiththem;becauseIfound，onexaminingmyself，Icouldnotcoquetwithamanwithoutlovinghimalittle;andIperceivedthatIshouldnotbeabletostopatthelineofwhataretermed_innocent__freedoms_，didIsufferany。
Myreservewasthentheconsequenceofdelicacy。Freedomofconducthasemancipatedmanywomen’sminds;butmyconducthasmostrigidlybeengovernedbymyprinciples，tilltheimprovementofmyunderstandinghasenabledmetodiscernthefallacyofprejudicesatwarwithnatureandreason。
\"ShortlyafterthechangeIhavementionedinmyhusband’sconduct，myunclewascompelledbyhisdeclininghealth，toseekthesuccourofamilderclimate，andembarkforLisbon。Helefthiswillinthehandsofafriend，aneminentsolicitor;hehadpreviouslyquestionedmerelativetomysituationandstateofmind，anddeclaredveryfreely，thathecouldplacenorelianceonthestabilityofmyhusband’sprofessions。Hehadbeendeceivedintheunfoldingofhischaracter;henowthoughtitfixedinatrainofactionsthatwouldinevitablyleadtoruinanddisgrace。
\"Theeveningbeforehisdeparture，whichwespentalonetogether，hefoldedmetohisheart，utteringtheendearingappellationof’child。’——Mymorethanfather！whywasInotpermittedtoperformthelastdutiesofone，andsmooththepillowofdeath？
Heseemedbyhismannertobeconvincedthatheshouldneverseememore;yetrequestedme，mostearnestly，tocometohim，shouldIbeobligedtoleavemyhusband。Hehadbeforeexpressedhissorrowathearingofmypregnancy，havingdeterminedtoprevailonmetoaccompanyhim，tillIinformedhimofthatcircumstance。Heexpressedhimselfunfeignedlysorrythatanynewtieshouldbindmetoamanwhomhethoughtsoincapableofestimatingmyvalue;
suchwasthekindlanguageofaffection。
\"Imustrepeathisownwords;theymadeanindelibleimpressiononmymind：
\"’Themarriagestateiscertainlythatinwhichwomen，generallyspeaking，canbemostuseful;butIamfarfromthinkingthatawoman，oncemarried，oughttoconsidertheengagementasindissoluble（especiallyiftherebenochildrentorewardherforsacrificingherfeelings）incaseherhusbandmeritsneitherherlove，noresteem。Esteemwilloftensupplytheplaceoflove;andpreventawomanfrombeingwretched，thoughitmaynotmakeherhappy。
Themagnitudeofasacrificeoughtalwaystobearsomeproportiontotheutilityinview;andforawomantolivewithaman，forwhomshecancherishneitheraffectionnoresteem，orevenbeofanyusetohim，exceptinginthelightofahouse—keeper，isanabjectnessofcondition，theenduringofwhichnoconcurrenceofcircumstancescanevermakeadutyinthesightofGodorjustmen。
Ifindeedshesubmitstoitmerelytobemaintainedinidleness，shehasnorighttocomplainbitterlyofherfate;ortoact，asapersonofindependentcharactermight，asifshehadatitletodisregardgeneralrules。
\"Butthemisfortuneis，thatmanywomenonlysubmitinappearance，andforfeittheirownrespecttosecuretheirreputationintheworld。Thesituationofawomanseparatedfromherhusband，isundoubtedlyverydifferentfromthatofamanwhohaslefthiswife。He，withlordlydignity，hasshakenofaclog;andtheallowingherfoodandraiment，isthoughtsufficienttosecurehisreputationfromtaint。And，shouldshehavebeeninconsiderate，hewillbecelebratedforhisgenerosityandforbearance。Suchistherespectpaidtothemaster—keyofproperty！Awoman，onthecontrary，resigningwhatistermedhernaturalprotector（thoughheneverwasso，butinname）isdespisedandshunned，forassertingtheindependenceofminddistinctiveofarationalbeing，andspurningatslavery。’
\"Duringtheremainderoftheevening，myuncle’stendernessledhimfrequentlytoreverttothesubject，andutter，withincreasingwarmth，sentimentstothesamepurport。Atlengthitwasnecessarytosay’Farewell！’——andweparted——graciousGod！tomeetnomore。
CHAPTER11
\"AGENTLEMANoflargefortuneandofpolishedmanners，hadlatelyvisitedveryfrequentlyatourhouse，andtreatedme，ifpossible，withmorerespectthanMr。Venablespaidhim;mypregnancywasnotyetvisible，hissocietywasagreatrelieftome，asIhadforsometimepast，toavoidexpence，confinedmyselfverymuchathome。Ieverdisdainedunnecessary，perhapsevenprudentconcealments;andmyhusband，withgreatease，discoveredtheamountofmyuncle’spartingpresent。Acopyofawritwasthestalepretexttoextortitfromme;andIhadsoonreasontobelievethatitwasfabricatedforthepurpose。Iacknowledgemyfollyinthussufferingmyselftobecontinuallyimposedon。Ihadadheredtomyresolutionnottoapplytomyuncle，onthepartofmyhusband，anymore;yet，whenIhadreceivedasumsufficienttosupplymyownwants，andtoenablemetopursueaplanIhadinview，tosettlemyyoungerbrotherinarespectableemployment，IallowedmyselftobedupedbyMr。Venables’shallowpretences，andhypocriticalprofessions。
\"Thusdidhepillagemeandmyfamily，thusfrustrateallmyplansofusefulness。YetthiswasthemanIwasboundtorespectandesteem：asifrespectandesteemdependedonanarbitrarywillofourown！Butawifebeingasmuchaman’spropertyashishorse，orhisass，shehasnothingshecancallherown。Hemayuseanymeanstogetatwhatthelawconsidersashis，themomenthiswifeisinpossessionofit，eventotheforcingofalock，asMr。
Venablesdid，tosearchfornotesinmywriting—desk——andallthisisdonewithashowofequity，because，forsooth，heisresponsibleforhermaintenance。
\"Thetendermothercannot_lawfully_snatchfromthegripeofthegamblingspendthrift，orbeastlydrunkard，unmindfulofhisoffspring，thefortunewhichfallstoherbychance;or（soflagrantistheinjustice）whatsheearnsbyherownexertions。No;hecanrobherwithimpunity，eventowastepubliclyonacourtezan;andthelawsofhercountry——ifwomenhaveacountry——affordhernoprotectionorredressfromtheoppressor，unlessshehavethepleaofbodilyfear;yethowmanywaysarethereofgoadingthesoulalmosttomadness，equallyunmanly，thoughnotsomean？Whensuchlawswereframed，shouldnotimpartiallawgivershavefirstdecreed，inthestyleofagreatassembly，whorecognizedtheexistenceofan_etre__supreme_，tofixthenationalbelief，thatthehusbandshouldalwaysbewiserandmorevirtuousthanhiswife，inordertoentitlehim，withashowofjustice，tokeepthisidiot，orperpetualminor，foreverinbondage。ButImusthavedone——
onthissubject，myindignationcontinuallyrunsawaywithme。
\"ThecompanyofthegentlemanIhavealreadymentioned，whohadageneralacquaintancewithliteratureandsubjectsoftaste，wasgratefultome;mycountenancebrightenedupasheapproached，andIunaffectedlyexpressedthepleasureIfelt。Theamusementhisconversationaffordedme，madeiteasytocomplywithmyhusband’srequest，toendeavourtorenderourhouseagreeabletohim。
\"Hisattentionsbecamemorepointed;but，asIwasnotofthenumberofwomen，whosevirtue，asitistermed，immediatelytakesalarm，Iendeavoured，ratherbyraillerythanseriousexpostulation，togiveadifferentturntohisconversation。Heassumedanewmodeofattack，andIwas，forawhile，thedupeofhispretendedfriendship。
\"Ihad，merelyinthestyleof_badinage_，boastedofmyconquest，andrepeatedhislover—likecomplimentstomyhusband。
Buthebeggedme，forGod’ssake，nottoaffronthisfriend，orI
shoulddestroyallhisprojects，andbehisruin。HadIhadmoreaffectionformyhusband，Ishouldhaveexpressedmycontemptofthistime—servingpoliteness：nowIimaginedthatIonlyfeltpity;
yetitwouldhavepuzzledacasuisttopointoutinwhattheexactdifferenceconsisted。
\"Thisfriendbegannow，inconfidence，todiscovertometherealstateofmyhusband’saffairs。’Necessity，’saidMr。S————;
whyshouldIrevealhisname？forheaffectedtopalliatetheconducthecouldnotexcuse，’hadledhimtotakesuchsteps，byaccommodationbills，buyinggoodsoncredit，tosellthemforreadymoney，andsimilartransactions，thathischaracterinthecommercialworldwasgone。Hewasconsidered，’headded，loweringhisvoice，’on’Changeasaswindler。’
\"Ifeltatthatmomentthefirstmaternalpang。Awareoftheevilsmysexhavetostrugglewith，Istillwished，formyownconsolation，tobethemotherofadaughter;andIcouldnotbeartothink，thatthe_sins_ofherfather’sentaileddisgrace，shouldbeaddedtotheillstowhichwomanisheir。
\"SocompletelywasIdeceivedbytheseshowsoffriendship（nay，Ibelieve，accordingtohisinterpretation，Mr。S————reallywasmyfriend）thatIbegantoconsulthimrespectingthebestmodeofretrievingmyhusband’scharacter：itisthegoodnameofawomanonlythatsetstorisenomore。Iknewnotthathehadbeendrawnintoawhirlpool，outofwhichhehadnottheenergytoattempttoescape。Heseemedindeeddestituteofthepowerofemployinghisfacultiesinanyregularpursuit。Hisprinciplesofactionweresoloose，andhismindsouncultivated，thateverythinglikeorderappearedtohimintheshapeofrestraint;and，likemeninthesavagestate，herequiredthestrongstimulusofhopeorfear，producedbywildspeculations，inwhichtheinterestsofotherswentfornothing，tokeephisspiritsawake。Heonetimeprofessedpatriotism，butheknewnotwhatitwastofeelhonestindignation;andpretendedtobeanadvocateforliberty，when，withaslittleaffectionforthehumanraceasforindividuals，hethoughtofnothingbuthisowngratification。Hewasjustsuchacitizen，asafather。Thesumsheadroitlyobtainedbyaviolationofthelawsofhiscountry，aswellasthoseofhumanity，hewouldallowamistresstosquander;thoughshewas，withthesame_sang_
_froid_，consigned，aswerehischildren，topoverty，whenanotherprovedmoreattractive。
\"Onvariouspretences，hisfriendcontinuedtovisitme;and，observingmywantofmoney，hetriedtoinducemetoacceptofpecuniaryaid;butthisofferIabsolutelyrejected，thoughitwasmadewithsuchdelicacy，Icouldnotbedispleased。
\"Onedayhecame，asIthoughtaccidentally，todinner。Myhusbandwasverymuchengagedinbusiness，andquittedtheroomsoonaftertheclothwasremoved。Weconversedasusual，tillconfidentialadviceledagaintolove。Iwasextremelymortified。
Ihadasincereregardforhim，andhopedthathehadanequalfriendshipforme。Ithereforebeganmildlytoexpostulatewithhim。Thisgentlenesshemistookforcoyencouragement;andhewouldnotbedivertedfromthesubject。Perceivinghismistake，I
seriouslyaskedhimhow，usingsuchlanguagetome，hecouldprofesstobemyhusband’sfriend？Asignificantsneerexcitedmycuriosity，andhe，supposingthistobemyonlyscruple，tookaletterdeliberatelyoutofhispocket，saying，’Yourhusband’shonourisnotinflexible。Howcouldyou，withyourdiscernment，thinkitso？
Why，helefttheroomthisverydayonpurposetogivemeanopportunitytoexplainmyself;_he_thoughtmetootimid——tootardy。
\"Isnatchedtheletterwithindescribableemotion。Thepurportofitwastoinvitehimtodinner，andtoridiculehischivalrousrespectforme。Heassuredhim，’thateverywomanhadherprice，and，withgrossindecency，hinted，thatheshouldbegladtohavethedutyofahusbandtakenoffhishands。Thesehetermed_liberal_
_sentiments_。Headvisedhimnottoshockmyromanticnotions，buttoattackmycredulousgenerosity，andweakpity;andconcludedwithrequestinghimtolendhimfivehundredpoundsforamonthorsixweeks。’Ireadthislettertwiceover;andthefirmpurposeitinspired，calmedtherisingtumultofmysoul。Irosedeliberately，requestedMr。S————towaitamoment，andinstantlygoingintothecounting—house，desiredMr。Venablestoreturnwithmetothedining—parlour。
\"Helaiddownhispen，andenteredwithme，withoutobservinganychangeinmycountenance。Ishutthedoor，and，givinghimtheletter，simplyasked，’whetherhewroteit，orwasitaforgery？’
\"Nothingcouldequalhisconfusion。Hisfriend’seyemethis，andhemutteredsomethingaboutajoke——ButIinterruptedhim——
’Itissufficient——Wepartforever。’
\"Icontinued，withsolemnity，’Ihavebornewithyourtyrannyandinfidelities。IdisdaintoutterwhatIhavebornewith。
Ithoughtyouunprincipled，butnotsodecidedlyvicious。Iformedatie，inthesightofheaven——Ihavehelditsacred;evenwhenmen，moreconformabletomytaste，havemademefeel——Idespiseallsubterfuge！——thatIwasnotdeadtolove。Neglectedbyyou，Ihaveresolutelystifledtheenticingemotions，andrespectedtheplightedfaithyououtraged。Andyoudarenowtoinsultme，bysellingmetoprostitution！——Yes——equallylosttodelicacyandprinciple——youdaredsacrilegiouslytobarterthehonourofthemotherofyourchild。’
\"Then，turningtoMr。S————，Iadded，’Icallonyou，Sir，towitness，’andIliftedmyhandsandeyestoheaven，’that，assolemnlyasItookhisname，Inowabjureit，’Ipulledoffmyring，andputitonthetable;’andthatImeanimmediatelytoquithishouse，nevertoenteritmore。Iwillprovideformyselfandchild。IleavehimasfreeasIamdeterminedtobemyself——
heshallbeanswerablefornodebtsofmine。’
\"Astonishmentclosedtheirlips，tillMr。Venables，gentlypushinghisfriend，withaforcedsmile，outoftheroom，natureforamomentprevailed，and，appearinglikehimself，heturnedround，burningwithrage，tome：buttherewasnoterrorinthefrown，exceptingwhencontrastedwiththemalignantsmilewhichprecededit。Hebademe’leavethehouseatmyperil;
toldmehedespisedmythreats;Ihadnoresource;Icouldnotswearthepeaceagainsthim！——Iwasnotafraidofmylife！——
hehadneverstruckme！’
\"Hethrewtheletterinthefire，whichIhadincautiouslyleftinhishands;and，quittingtheroom，lockedthedooronme。
\"Whenleftalone，IwasamomentortwobeforeIcouldrecollectmyself——Onescenehadsucceededanotherwithsuchrapidity，IalmostdoubtedwhetherIwasreflectingonarealevent。’Wasitpossible？
WasI，indeed，free？’——Yes;freeItermedmyself，whenIdecidedlyperceivedtheconductIoughttoadopt。HowhadIpantedforliberty——liberty，thatIwouldhavepurchasedatanyprice，butthatofmyownesteem！Irose，andshookmyself;openedthewindow，andmethoughttheairneversmelledsosweet。ThefaceofheavengrewfairerasIviewedit，andthecloudsseemedtoflitawayobedienttomywishes，togivemysoulroomtoexpand。Iwasallsoul，and（wildasitmayappear）feltasifIcouldhavedissolvedinthesoftbalmygalethatkissedmycheek，orhaveglidedbelowthehorizonontheglowing，descendingbeams。Aseraphicsatisfactionanimated，withoutagitatingmyspirits;andmyimaginationcollected，invisionssublimelyterrible，orsoothinglybeautiful，animmensevarietyoftheendlessimages，whichnatureaffords，andfancycombines，ofthegrandandfair。Thelustreofthesebrightpicturesquesketchesfadedwiththesettingsun;butIwasstillalivetothecalmdelighttheyhaddiffusedthroughmyheart。
\"Theremaybeadvocatesformatrimonialobedience，who，makingadistinctionbetweenthedutyofawifeandofahumanbeing，mayblamemyconduct。——TothemIwritenot——myfeelingsarenotforthemtoanalyze;andmayyou，mychild，neverbeabletoascertain，byheart—rendingexperience，whatyourmotherfeltbeforethepresentemancipationofhermind！
\"Ibegantowritealettertomyfather，afterclosingonetomyuncle;nottoaskadvice，buttosignifymydetermination;whenIwasinterruptedbytheentranceofMr。Venables。Hismannerwaschanged。Hisviewsonmyuncle’sfortunemadehimaversetomyquittinghishouse，orhewould，Iamconvinced，havebeengladtohaveshakenoffeventheslightrestraintmypresenceimposedonhim;therestraintofshowingmesomerespect。Sofarfromhavinganaffectionforme，hereallyhatedme，becausehewasconvincedthatImustdespisehim。
\"Hetoldme，that’AsInowhadhadtimetocoolandreflect，hedidnotdoubtbutthatmyprudence，andnicesenseofpropriety，wouldleadmetooverlookwhatwaspassed。’
\"’Reflection，’Ireplied，’hadonlyconfirmedmypurpose，andnopoweronearthcoulddivertmefromit。’
\"Endeavouringtoassumeasoothingvoiceandlook，whenhewouldwillinglyhavetorturedme，toforcemetofeelhispower，hiscountenancehadaninfernalexpression，whenhedesiredme，’Nottoexposemyselftotheservants，byobliginghimtoconfinemeinmyapartment;ifthenIwouldgivemypromisenottoquitthehouseprecipitately，Ishouldbefree——and——。’Ideclared，interruptinghim，’thatIwouldpromisenothing。Ihadnomeasurestokeepwithhim——Iwasresolved，andwouldnotcondescendtosubterfuge。’
\"Hemuttered，’thatIshouldsoonrepentofthesepreposterousairs;’and，orderingteatobecarriedintomylittlestudy，whichhadacommunicationwithmybed—chamber，heoncemorelockedthedooruponme，andleftmetomyownmeditations。Ihadpassivelyfollowedhimupstairs，notwishingtofatiguemyselfwithunavailingexertion。
\"Nothingcalmsthemindlikeafixedpurpose。IfeltasifIhadheavedathousandweightfrommyheart;theatmosphereseemedlightened;and，ifIexecratedtheinstitutionsofsociety，whichthusenablementotyrannizeoverwomen，itwasalmostadisinterestedsentiment。Idisregardedpresentinconveniences，whenmymindhaddonestrugglingwithitself，——whenreasonandinclinationhadshakenhandsandwereatpeace。Ihadnolongerthecrueltaskbeforeme，inendlessperspective，aye，duringthetediousforeveroflife，oflabouringtoovercomemyrepugnance——oflabouringtoextinguishthehopes，themaybesofalivelyimagination。DeathIhadhailedasmyonlychancefordeliverance;but，whileexistencehadstillsomanycharms，andlifepromisedhappiness，Ishrunkfromtheicyarmsofanunknowntyrant，thoughfarmoreinvitingthanthoseoftheman，towhomIsupposedmyselfboundwithoutanyotheralternative;andwascontenttolingeralittlelonger，waitingforIknewnotwhat，ratherthanleave’thewarmprecinctsofthecheerfulday，’andalltheunenjoyedaffectionofmynature。
\"Mypresentsituationgaveanewturntomyreflection;andIwondered（nowthefilmseemedtobewithdrawn，thatobscuredthepiercingsightofreason）howIcould，previouslytothedecidingoutrage，haveconsideredmyselfaseverlastinglyunitedtoviceandfolly！’Hadanevilgeniuscastaspellatmybirth;orademonstalkedoutofchaos，toperplexmyunderstanding，andenchainmywill，withdelusiveprejudices？’
\"Ipursuedthistrainofthinking;itledmeoutofmyself，toexpatiateonthemiserypeculiartomysex。’Arenot，’Ithought，’thedespotsforeverstigmatized，who，inthewantonnessofpower，commandedeventhemostatrociouscriminalstobechainedtodeadbodies？thoughsurelythoselawsaremuchmoreinhuman，whichforgeadamantinefetterstobindmindstogether，thatnevercanmingleinsocialcommunion！Whatindeedcanequalthewretchednessofthatstate，inwhichthereisnoalternative，buttoextinguishtheaffections，orencounterinfamy？’
CHAPTER12
\"TOWARDSmidnightMr。Venablesenteredmychamber;and，withcalmaudacitypreparingtogotobed，hebadememakehaste，’forthatwasthebestplaceforhusbandsandwivestoendtheirdifferences。
Hehadbeendrinkingplentifullytoaidhiscourage。
\"Ididnotatfirstdeigntoreply。Butperceivingthatheaffectedtotakemysilenceforconsent，Itoldhimthat，’Ifhewouldnotgotoanotherbed，orallowme，Ishouldsitupinmystudyallnight。’Heattemptedtopullmeintothechamber，halfjoking。ButIresisted;and，ashehaddeterminednottogivemeanyreasonforsayingthatheusedviolence，afterafewmoreefforts，heretired，cursingmyobstinacy，tobed。
\"Isatmusingsometimelonger;then，throwingmycloakaroundme，preparedforsleeponasopha。And，sofortunateseemedmydeliverance，sosacredthepleasureofbeingthuswrappedupinmyself，thatIsleptprofoundly，andwokewithamindcomposedtoencounterthestrugglesoftheday。Mr。Venablesdidnotwaketillsomehoursafter;andthenhecametomehalf—dressed，yawningandstretching，withhaggardeyes，asifhescarcelyrecollectedwhathadpassedtheprecedingevening。Hefixedhiseyesonmeforamoment，then，callingmeafool，asked’HowlongIintendedtocontinuethisprettyfarce？Forhispart，hewasdevilishsickofit;butthiswastheplagueofmarryingwomenwhopretendedtoknowsomething。’
\"Imadenootherreplytothisharangue，thantosay，’Thatheoughttobegladtogetridofawomansounfittobehiscompanion——andthatanychangeinmyconductwouldbemeandissimulation;formaturerreflectiononlygavethesacredsealofreasontomyfirstresolution。’
\"Helookedasifhecouldhavestampedwithimpatience，atbeingobligedtostiflehisrage;but，conqueringhisanger（forweakpeople，whosepassionsseemthemostungovernable，restrainthemwiththegreatestease，whentheyhaveasufficientmotive），heexclaimed，’Verypretty，uponmysoul！verypretty，theatricalflourishes！Pray，fairRoxana，stoopfromyouraltitudes，andrememberthatyouareactingapartinreallife。’
\"Heutteredthisspeechwithaself—satisfiedair，andwentdownstairstodress。
\"Inaboutanhourhecametomeagain;andinthesametonesaid，’Thathecameasmygentleman—ushertohandmedowntobreakfast。
\"’Oftheblackrod？’askedI。
\"Thisquestion，andthetoneinwhichIaskedit，alittledisconcertedhim。Tosaythetruth，Inowfeltnoresentment;myfirmresolutiontofreemyselffrommyignoblethraldom，hadabsorbedthevariousemotionswhich，duringsixyears，hadrackedmysoul。
Thedutypointedoutbymyprinciplesseemedclear;andnotonetenderfeelingintrudedtomakemeswerve：Thedislikewhichmyhusbandhadinspiredwasstrong;butitonlyledmetowishtoavoid，towishtolethimdropoutofmymemory;therewasnomisery，notorturethatIwouldnotdeliberatelyhavechosen，ratherthanrenewmyleaseofservitude。
\"Duringthebreakfast，heattemptedtoreasonwithmeonthefollyofromanticsentiments;forthiswastheindiscriminateepithethegavetoeverymodeofconductorthinkingsuperiortohisown。Heasserted，’thatalltheworldweregovernedbytheirowninterest;thosewhopretendedtobeactuatedbydifferentmotives，wereonlydeeperknaves，orfoolscrazedbybooks，whotookforgospelalltherodomantadenonsensewrittenbymenwhoknewnothingoftheworld。Forhispart，hethankedGod，hewasnohypocrite;and，ifhestretchedapointsometimes，itwasalwayswithanintentionofpayingeverymanhisown。’
\"Hethenartfullyinsinuated，’thathedailyexpectedavesseltoarrive，asuccessfulspeculation，thatwouldmakehimeasyforthepresent，andthathehadseveralotherschemesactuallydepending，thatcouldnotfail。Hehadnodoubtofbecomingrichinafewyears，thoughhehadbeenthrownbackbysomeunluckyadventuresatthesettingout。’
\"Imildlyreplied，’ThatIwishedhemightnotinvolvehimselfstilldeeper。’
\"HehadnonotionthatIwasgovernedbyadecisionofjudgment，nottobecomparedwithamerespurtofresentment。Heknewnotwhatitwastofeelindignationagainstvice，andoftenboastedofhisplacabletemper，andreadinesstoforgiveinjuries。True;forheonlyconsideredthebeingdeceived，asaneffortofskillhehadnotguardedagainst;andthen，withacantofcandour，wouldobserve，’thathedidnotknowhowhemighthimselfhavebeentemptedtoactinthesamecircumstances。’And，ashisheartneveropenedtofriendship，itneverwaswoundedbydisappointment。
Everynewacquaintanceheprotested，itistrue，was’thecleverestfellowintheworld;andhereallythoughtso;tillthenoveltyofhisconversationormannersceasedtohaveanyeffectonhissluggishspirits。Hisrespectforrankorfortunewasmorepermanent，thoughhechancedtohavenodesignofavailinghimselfoftheinfluenceofeithertopromotehisownviews。
\"Afteraprefatoryconversation，——myblood（Ithoughtithadbeencooler）flushedovermywholecountenanceashespoke——healludedtomysituation。Hedesiredmetoreflect——’andactlikeaprudentwoman，asthebestproofofmysuperiorunderstanding;
forhemustownIhadsense，didIknowhowtouseit。Iwasnot，’
helaidastressonhiswords，’withoutmypassions;andahusbandwasaconvenientcloke。——Hewasliberalinhiswayofthinking;
andwhymightnotwe，likemanyothermarriedpeople，whowereabovevulgarprejudices，tacitlyconsenttoleteachotherfollowtheirowninclination？——Hemeantnothingmore，intheletterImadethegroundofcomplaint;andthepleasurewhichIseemedtotakeinMr。S。’scompany，ledhimtoconclude，thathewasnotdisagreeabletome。’
\"Aclerkbroughtinthelettersoftheday，andI，asIoftendid，whilehewasdiscussingsubjectsofbusiness，wenttothe_piano__forte_，andbegantoplayafavouriteairtorestoremyself，asitwere，tonature，anddrivethesophisticatedsentimentsIhadjustbeenobligedtolistento，outofmysoul。
\"TheyhadexcitedsensationssimilartothoseIhavefelt，inviewingthesqualidinhabitantsofsomeofthelanesandbackstreetsofthemetropolis，mortifiedatbeingcompelledtoconsiderthemasmyfellow—creatures，asifanapehadclaimedkindredwithme。Or，aswhensurroundedbyamephiticalfog，Ihavewishedtohaveavolleyofcannonfired，tocleartheincumberedatmosphere，andgivemeroomtobreatheandmove。
\"Myspiritswereallinarms，andIplayedakindofextemporaryprelude。Thecadencewasprobablywildandimpassioned，while，lostinthought，Imadethesoundsakindofechotomytrainofthinking。
\"Pausingforamoment，ImetMr。Venables’eyes。Hewasobservingmewithanairofconceitedsatisfaction，asmuchastosay——’Mylastinsinuationhasdonethebusiness——shebeginstoknowherowninterest。’Thengatheringuphisletters，hesaid，’Thathehopedheshouldhearnomoreromanticstuff，wellenoughinamissjustcomefromboardingschool;’andwent，aswashiscustom，tothecounting—house。Istillcontinuedplaying;and，turningtoasprightlylesson，Iexecuteditwithuncommonvivacity。Iheardfootstepsapproachthedoor，andwassoonconvincedthatMr。Venableswaslistening;theconsciousnessonlygavemoreanimationtomyfingers。Hewentdownintothekitchen，andthecook，probablybyhisdesire，cametome，toknowwhatIwouldpleasetoorderfordinner。Mr。Venablescameintotheparlouragain，withapparentcarelessness。Iperceivedthatthecunningmanwasoverreachinghimself;andIgavemydirectionsasusual，andlefttheroom。
\"WhileIwasmakingsomealterationinmydress，Mr。Venablespeepedin，and，beggingmypardonforinterruptingme，disappeared。
Itookupsomework（Icouldnotread），andtwoorthreemessagesweresenttome，probablyfornootherpurpose，buttoenableMr。
VenablestoascertainwhatIwasabout。
\"IlistenedwheneverIheardthestreet—dooropen;atlastI
imaginedIcoulddistinguishMr。Venables’step，goingout。Ilaidasidemywork;myheartpalpitated;stillIwasafraidhastilytoenquire;andIwaitedalonghalfhour，beforeIventuredtoasktheboywhetherhismasterwasinthecounting—house？
\"Beingansweredinthenegative，Ibadehimcallmeacoach，andcollectingafewnecessarieshastilytogether，withalittleparceloflettersandpaperswhichIhadcollectedtheprecedingevening，Ihurriedintoit，desiringthecoachmantodrivetoadistantpartofthetown。
\"IalmostfearedthatthecoachwouldbreakdownbeforeIgotoutofthestreet;and，whenIturnedthecorner，Iseemedtobreatheafreerair。IwasreadytoimaginethatIwasrisingabovethethickatmosphereofearth;orIfelt，asweariedsoulsmightbesupposedtofeelonenteringanotherstateofexistence。
\"Istoppedatoneortwostandsofcoachestoeludepursuit，andthendroveroundtheskirtsofthetowntoseekforanobscurelodging，whereIwishedtoremainconcealed，tillIcouldavailmyselfofmyuncle’sprotection。Ihadresolvedtoassumemyownnameimmediately，andopenlytoavowmydetermination，withoutanyformalvindication，themomentIhadfoundahome，inwhichIcouldrestfreefromthedailyalarmofexpectingtoseeMr。Venablesenter。
\"Ilookedatseverallodgings;butfindingthatIcouldnot，withoutareferencetosomeacquaintance，whomightinformmytyrant，getadmittanceintoadecentapartment——menhavenotallthistrouble——IthoughtofawomanwhomIhadassistedtofurnishalittlehaberdasher’sshop，andwhoIknewhadafirstfloortolet。
\"Iwenttoher，andthoughIcouldnotpersuadeher，thatthequarrelbetweenmeandMr。Venableswouldneverbemadeup，stillsheagreedtoconcealmeforthepresent;yetassuringmeatthesametime，shakingherhead，that，whenawomanwasoncemarried，shemustbeareverything。Herpaleface，onwhichappearedathousandhaggardlinesanddelvingwrinkles，producedbywhatisemphaticallytermedfretting，inforcedherremark;andIhadafterwardsanopportunityofobservingthetreatmentshehadtoendure，whichgrizzledherintopatience。Shetoiledfrommorningtillnight;yetherhusbandwouldrobthetill，andtakeawaythemoneyreservedforpayingbills;and，returninghomedrunk，hewouldbeatherifshechancedtooffendhim，thoughshehadachildatthebreast。
\"Thesescenesawokemeatnight;and，inthemorning，Iheardher，asusual，talktoherdearJohnny——he，forsooth，washermaster;noslaveintheWestIndieshadonemoredespotic;
butfortunatelyshewasofthetrueRussianbreedofwives。
\"Mymind，duringthefewpastdays，seemed，asitwere，disengagedfrommybody;but，nowthestrugglewasover，Ifeltveryforciblytheeffectwhichperturbationofspiritsproducesonawomaninmysituation。
\"Theapprehensionofamiscarriage，obligedmetoconfinemyselftomyapartmentnearafortnight;butIwrotetomyuncle’sfriendformoney，promising’tocallonhim，andexplainmysituation，whenIwaswellenoughtogoout;meantimeIearnestlyintreatedhim，nottomentionmyplaceofabodetoanyone，lestmyhusband——suchthelawconsideredhim——shoulddisturbthemindhecouldnotconquer。ImentionedmyintentionofsettingoutforLisbon，toclaimmyuncle’sprotection，themomentmyhealthwouldpermit。’
\"Thetranquillityhowever，whichIwasrecovering，wassooninterrupted。Mylandladycameuptomeoneday，witheyesswollenwithweeping，unabletoutterwhatshewascommandedtosay。Shedeclared，’Thatshewasneversomiserableinherlife;thatshemustappearanungratefulmonster;andthatshewouldreadilygodownonherkneestome，tointreatmetoforgiveher，asshehaddonetoherhusbandtospareherthecrueltask。’Sobspreventedherfromproceeding，oransweringmyimpatientenquiries，toknowwhatshemeant。
\"Whenshebecamealittlemorecomposed，shetookanewspaperoutofherpocket，declaring，’thatherheartsmoteher，butwhatcouldshedo？——shemustobeyherhusband。’Isnatchedthepaperfromher。Anadvertisementquicklymetmyeye，purporting，that’MariaVenableshad，withoutanyassignablecause，abscondedfromherhusband;andanypersonharbouringher，wasmenacedwiththeutmostseverityofthelaw。’
\"PerfectlyacquaintedwithMr。Venables’meannessofsoul，thisstepdidnotexcitemysurprise，andscarcelymycontempt。