HARRIS(STANDINGUPINFRONTOFPIANOANDADDRESSINGTHEEXPECTANTMOB):
\"I\'mafraidit\'saveryoldthing,youknow。Iexpectyouallknowit,youknow。Butit\'stheonlythingIknow。It\'stheJudge\'ssongoutofPINAFORE-no,Idon\'tmeanPINAFORE-Imean-youknowwhatImean-
theotherthing,youknow。Youmustalljoininthechorus,youknow。\"
[Murmursofdelightandanxietytojoininthechorus。BrilliantperformanceofpreludetotheJudge\'ssongin\"TrialbyJury\"bynervousPianist。MomentarrivesforHarristojoinin。Harristakesnonoticeofit。Nervouspianistcommencespreludeoveragain,andHarris,commencingsingingatthesametime,dashesoffthefirsttwolinesoftheFirstLord\'ssongoutof\"Pinafore。\"Nervouspianisttriestopushonwithprelude,givesitup,andtriestofollowHarriswithaccompanimenttoJudge\'ssongout\"TrialbyJury,\"findsthatdoesn\'tanswer,andtriestorecollectwhatheisdoing,andwhereheis,feelshismindgivingway,andstopsshort。]
HARRIS(WITHKINDLYENCOURAGEMENT):\"It\'sallright。You\'redoingitverywell,indeed-goon。\"
NERVOUSPIANIST:\"I\'mafraidthere\'samistakesomewhere。Whatareyousinging?\"
HARRIS(PROMPTLY):\"WhytheJudge\'ssongoutofTrialbyJury。Don\'tyouknowit?\"
SOMEFRIENDOFHARRIS\'S(FROMTHEBACKOFTHEROOM):\"No,you\'renot,youchuckle-head,you\'resingingtheAdmiral\'ssongfromPINAFORE。\"
[LongargumentbetweenHarrisandHarris\'sfriendastowhatHarrisisreallysinging。Friendfinallysuggeststhatitdoesn\'tmatterwhatHarrisissingingsolongasHarrisgetsonandsingsit,andHarris,withanevidentsenseofinjusticeranklinginsidehim,requestspianisttobeginagain。Pianist,thereupon,startspreludetotheAdmiral\'ssong,andHarris,seizingwhatheconsiderstobeafavourableopeninginthemusic,begins。]
HARRIS:
\"`WhenIwasyoungandcalledtotheBar。\'\"
[GENERALROAROFLAUGHTER,TAKENBYHARRISASACOMPLIMENT。PIANIST,THINKINGOFHISWIFEANDFAMILY,GIVESUPTHEUNEQUALCONTESTAND
RETIRES;HISPLACEBEINGTAKENBYASTRONGER-NERVEDMAN。
THENEWPIANIST(CHEERILY):\"Nowthen,oldman,youstartoff,andI\'llfollow。Wewon\'tbotheraboutanyprelude。\"
HARRIS(UPONWHOMTHEEXPLANATIONOFMATTERSHASSLOWLYDAWNED-
LAUGHING):\"ByJove!Ibegyourpardon。Ofcourse-I\'vebeenmixingupthetwosongs。ItwasJenkinsconfusedme,youknow。Nowthen。
[SINGING;HISVOICEAPPEARINGTOCOMEFROMTHECELLAR,ANDSUGGESTINGTHE
FIRSTLOWWARNINGSOFANAPPROACHINGEARTHQUAKE。
\"`WhenIwasyoungIservedatermAsoffice-boytoanattorney\'sfirm。\'
(Asidetopianist):\"Itistoolow,oldman;we\'llhavethatoveragain,ifyoudon\'tmind。\"
[SINGSFIRSTTWOLINESOVERAGAIN,INAHIGHFALSETTOTHISTIME。GREAT
SURPRISEONTHEPARTOFTHEAUDIENCE。NERVOUSOLDLADYNEARTHEFIRE
BEGINSTOCRY,ANDHASTOBELEDOUT。]
HARRIS(continuing):
\"IsweptthewindowsandIsweptthedoor,AndI-`
No-no,Icleanedthewindowsofthebigfrontdoor。AndIpolishedupthefloor-no,dashit-Ibegyourpardon-funnything,Ican\'tthinkofthatline。AndI-andI-Oh,well,we\'llgetontothechorus,andchanceit(SINGS):
`AndIdiddle-diddle-diddle-diddle-diddle-diddle-de,TillnowIamtheruleroftheQueen\'snavee。\'
Nowthen,chorus-itisthelasttwolinesrepeated,youknow。
GENERALCHORUS:
\"Andhediddle-diddle-diddle-diddle-diddle-diddle-dee\'d,TillnowheistheruleroftheQueen\'snavee。\"
AndHarrisneverseeswhatanassheismakingofhimself,andhowheisannoyingalotofpeoplewhoneverdidhimanyharm。Hehonestlyimaginesthathehasgiventhematreat,andsayshewillsinganothercomicsongaftersupper。
Speakingofcomicsongsandparties,remindsmeofarathercuriousincidentatwhichIonceassisted;which,asitthrowsmuchlightupontheinnermentalworkingofhumannatureingeneral,ought,Ithink,toberecordedinthesepages。
Wewereafashionableandhighlyculturedparty。Wehadonourbestclothes,andwetalkedpretty,andwereveryhappy-allexcepttwoyoungfellows,students,justreturnedfromGermany,commonplaceyoungmen,whoseemedrestlessanduncomfortable,asiftheyfoundtheproceedingsslow。
Thetruthwas,weweretoocleverforthem。Ourbrilliantbutpolishedconversation,andourhigh-classtastes,werebeyondthem。Theywereoutofplace,amongus。Theyneveroughttohavebeenthereatall。
Everybodyagreeduponthat,lateron。
WeplayedMORCEAUXfromtheoldGermanmasters。Wediscussedphilosophyandethics。Weflirtedwithgracefuldignity。Wewereevenhumorous-
inahigh-classway。
SomebodyrecitedaFrenchpoemaftersupper,andwesaiditwasbeautiful;andthenaladysangasentimentalballadinSpanish,anditmadeoneortwoofusweep-itwassopathetic。
Andthenthosetwoyoungmengotup,andaskedusifwehadeverheardHerrSlossennBoschen(whohadjustarrived,andwasthendowninthesupper-room)singhisgreatGermancomicsong。
Noneofushadheardit,thatwecouldremember。
Theyoungmensaiditwasthefunniestsongthathadeverbeenwritten,andthat,ifweliked,theywouldgetHerrSlossennBoschen,whomtheyknewverywell,tosingit。Theysaiditwassofunnythat,whenHerrSlossennBoschenhadsungitoncebeforetheGermanEmperor,he(theGermanEmperor)hadhadtobecarriedofftobed。
TheysaidnobodycouldsingitlikeHerrSlossennBoschen;hewassointenselyseriousallthroughitthatyoumightfancyhewasrecitingatragedy,andthat,ofcourse,madeitallthefunnier。Theysaidheneveroncesuggestedbyhistoneormannerthathewassinginganythingfunny-thatwouldspoilit。Itwashisairofseriousness,almostofpathos,thatmadeitsoirresistiblyamusing。
Wesaidweyearnedtohearit,thatwewantedagoodlaugh;andtheywentdownstairs,andfetchedHerrSlossennBoschen。
Heappearedtobequitepleasedtosingit,forhecameupatonce,andsatdowntothepianowithoutanotherword。
\"Oh,itwillamuseyou。Youwilllaugh,\"whisperedthetwoyoungmen,astheypassedthroughtheroom,andtookupanunobtrusivepositionbehindtheProfessor\'sback。
HerrSlossennBoschenaccompaniedhimself。Thepreludedidnotsuggestacomicsongexactly。Itwasaweird,soulfulair。Itquitemadeone\'sfleshcreep;butwemurmuredtooneanotherthatitwastheGermanmethod,andpreparedtoenjoyit。
Idon\'tunderstandGermanmyself。Ilearneditatschool,butforgoteverywordofittwoyearsafterIhadleft,andhavefeltmuchbettereversince。Still,Ididnotwantthepeopletheretoguessmyignorance;soIhituponwhatIthoughttoberatheragoodidea。Ikeptmyeyeonthetwoyoungstudents,andfollowedthem。Whentheytittered,Itittered;whentheyroared,Iroared;andIalsothrewinalittlesniggerallbymyselfnowandthen,asifIhadseenabitofhumourthathadescapedtheothers。Iconsideredthisparticularlyartfulonmypart。
Inoticed,asthesongprogressed,thatagoodmanyotherpeopleseemedtohavetheireyefixedonthetwoyoungmen,aswellasmyself。Theseotherpeoplealsotitteredwhentheyoungmentittered,androaredwhentheyoungmenroared;and,asthetwoyoungmentitteredandroaredandexplodedwithlaughterprettycontinuouslyallthroughthesong,itwentexceedinglywell。
AndyetthatGermanProfessordidnotseemhappy。Atfirst,whenwebegantolaugh,theexpressionofhisfacewasoneofintensesurprise,asiflaughterweretheverylastthinghehadexpectedtobegreetedwith。Wethoughtthisveryfunny:wesaidhisearnestmannerwashalfthehumour。Theslightesthintonhispartthatheknewhowfunnyhewaswouldhavecompletelyruineditall。Aswecontinuedtolaugh,hissurprisegavewaytoanairofannoyanceandindignation,andhescowledfiercelyrounduponusall(exceptuponthetwoyoungmenwho,beingbehindhim,hecouldnotsee)。Thatsentusintoconvulsions。Wetoldeachotherthatitwouldbethedeathofus,thisthing。Thewordsalone,wesaid,wereenoughtosendusintofits,butaddedtohismockseriousness-oh,itwastoomuch!
Inthelastverse,hesurpassedhimself。Hegloweredrounduponuswithalookofsuchconcentratedferocitythat,butforourbeingforewarnedastotheGermanmethodofcomicsinging,weshouldhavebeennervous;
andhethrewsuchawailingnoteofagonyintotheweirdmusicthat,ifwehadnotknownitwasafunnysong,wemighthavewept。
Hefinishedamidaperfectshriekoflaughter。Wesaiditwasthefunniestthingwehadeverheardinallourlives。Wesaidhowstrangeitwasthat,inthefaceofthingslikethese,thereshouldbeapopularnotionthattheGermanshadn\'tanysenseofhumour。AndweaskedtheProfessorwhyhedidn\'ttranslatethesongintoEnglish,sothatthecommonpeoplecouldunderstandit,andhearwhatarealcomicsongwaslike。
ThenHerrSlossennBoschengotup,andwentonawful。HesworeatusinGerman(whichIshouldjudgetobeasingularlyeffectivelanguageforthatpurpose),andhedanced,andshookhisfists,andcalledusalltheEnglishheknew。Hesaidhehadneverbeensoinsultedinallhislife。
Itappearedthatthesongwasnotacomicsongatall。ItwasaboutayounggirlwholivedintheHartzMountains,andwhohadgivenupherlifetosaveherlover\'ssoul;andhedied,andmetherspiritintheair;andthen,inthelastverse,hejiltedherspirit,andwentonwithanotherspirit-I\'mnotquitesureofthedetails,butitwassomethingverysad,Iknow。HerrBoschensaidhehadsungitoncebeforetheGermanEmperor,andhe(theGermanEmperor)hadsobbedlikealittlechild。He(HerrBoschen)saiditwasgenerallyacknowledgedtobeoneofthemosttragicandpatheticsongsintheGermanlanguage。
Itwasatryingsituationforus-verytrying。Thereseemedtobenoanswer。Welookedaroundforthetwoyoungmenwhohaddonethisthing,buttheyhadleftthehouseinanunostentatiousmannerimmediatelyaftertheendofthesong。
Thatwastheendofthatparty。Ineversawapartybreakupsoquietly,andwithsolittlefuss。Weneversaidgood-nighteventooneanother。
Wecamedownstairsoneatatime,walkingsoftly,andkeepingtheshadyside。Weaskedtheservantforourhatsandcoatsinwhispers,andopenedthedoorforourselves,andslippedout,andgotroundthecornerquickly,avoidingeachotherasmuchaspossible。
IhavenevertakenmuchinterestinGermansongssincethen。
WereachedSunburyLockathalf-pastthree。Theriverissweetlyprettyjusttherebeforeyoucometothegates,andthebackwaterischarming;
butdon\'tattempttorowupit。
Itriedtodosoonce。Iwassculling,andaskedthefellowswhoweresteeringiftheythoughtitcouldbedone,andtheysaid,oh,yes,theythoughtso,ifIpulledhard。Wewerejustunderthelittlefoot-bridgethatcrossesitbetweenthetwoweirs,whentheysaidthis,andIbentdownoverthesculls,andsetmyselfup,andpulled。
Ipulledsplendidly。Igotwellintoasteadyrhythmicalswing。Iputmyarms,andmylegs,andmybackintoit。Isetmyselfagood,quick,dashingstroke,andworkedinreallygrandstyle。Mytwofriendssaiditwasapleasuretowatchme。Attheendoffiveminutes,Ithoughtweoughttobeprettyneartheweir,andIlookedup。Wewereunderthebridge,inexactlythesamespotthatwewerewhenIbegan,andtherewerethosetwoidiots,injuringthemselvesbyviolentlaughing。Ihadbeengrindingawaylikemadtokeepthatboatstuckstillunderthatbridge。Iletotherpeoplepullupbackwatersagainststrongstreamsnow。
WesculleduptoWalton,aratherlargeplaceforariversidetown。Aswithallriversideplaces,onlythetiniestcornerofitcomesdowntothewater,sothatfromtheboatyoumightfancyitwasavillageofsomehalf-dozenhouses,alltold。WindsorandAbingdonaretheonlytownsbetweenLondonandOxfordthatyoucanreallyseeanythingoffromthestream。Alltheothershideroundcorners,andmerelypeepattheriverdownonestreet:mythankstothemforbeingsoconsiderate,andleavingtheriver-bankstowoodsandfieldsandwater-works。
EvenReading,thoughitdoesitsbesttospoilandsullyandmakehideousasmuchoftheriverasitcanreach,isgood-naturedenoughtokeepitsuglyfaceagooddealoutofsight。
Caesar,ofcourse,hadalittleplaceatWalton-acamp,oranentrenchment,orsomethingofthatsort。Caesarwasaregularup-riverman。AlsoQueenElizabeth,shewasthere,too。Youcannevergetawayfromthatwoman,gowhereyouwill。CromwellandBradshaw(nottheguideman,buttheKingCharles\'sheadman)likewisesojournedhere。Theymusthavebeenquiteapleasantlittleparty,altogether。
Thereisaniron\"scold\'sbridle\"inWaltonChurch。Theyusedthesethingsinancientdaysforcurbingwomen\'stongues。Theyhavegivenuptheattemptnow。Isupposeironwasgettingscarce,andnothingelsewouldbestrongenough。
Therearealsotombsofnoteinthechurch,andIwasafraidIshouldnevergetHarrispastthem;buthedidn\'tseemtothinkofthem,andwewenton。Abovethebridgetheriverwindstremendously。Thismakesitlookpicturesque;butitirritatesyoufromatowingorscullingpointofview,andcausesargumentbetweenthemanwhoispullingandthemanwhoissteering。
YoupassOatlandsParkontherightbankhere。Itisafamousoldplace。
HenryVIII。stoleitfromsomeoneortheother,Iforgetwhomnow,andlivedinit。Thereisagrottointheparkwhichyoucanseeforafee,andwhichissupposedtobeverywonderful;butIcannotseemuchinitmyself。ThelateDuchessofYork,wholivedatOatlands,wasveryfondofdogs,andkeptanimmensenumber。Shehadaspecialgraveyardmade,inwhichtoburythemwhentheydied,andtheretheylie,aboutfiftyofthem,withatombstoneovereach,andanepitaphinscribedthereon。
Well,IdaresaytheydeserveitquiteasmuchastheaverageChristiandoes。
At\"CorwayStakes\"-thefirstbendaboveWaltonBridge-wasfoughtabattlebetweenCaesarandCassivelaunus。CassivelaunushadpreparedtheriverforCaesar,byplantingitfullofstakes(andhad,nodoubt,putupanotice-board)。ButCaesarcrossedinspiteofthis。Youcouldn\'tchokeCaesaroffthatriver。Heisthesortofmanwewantroundthebackwatersnow。
HallifordandSheppertonarebothprettylittlespotswheretheytouchtheriver;butthereisnothingremarkableabouteitherofthem。ThereisatombinSheppertonchurchyard,however,withapoemonit,andIwasnervouslestHarrisshouldwanttogetoutandfoolroundit。Isawhimfixalongingeyeonthelanding-stageaswedrewnearit,soImanaged,byanadroitmovement,tojerkhiscapintothewater,andintheexcitementofrecoveringthat,andhisindignationatmyclumsiness,heforgotallabouthisbelovedgraves。
AtWeybridge,theWey(aprettylittlestream,navigableforsmallboatsuptoGuildford,andonewhichIhavealwaysbeenmakingupmymindtoexplore,andneverhave),theBourne,andtheBasingstokeCanalallentertheThamestogether。Thelockisjustoppositethetown,andthefirstthingthatwesaw,whenwecameinviewofit,wasGeorge\'sblazerononeofthelockgates,closerinspectionshowingthatGeorgewasinsideit。
Montmorencysetupafuriousbarking,Ishrieked,Harrisroared;Georgewavedhishat,andyelledback。Thelock-keeperrushedoutwithadrag,undertheimpressionthatsomebodyhadfallenintothelock,andappearedannoyedatfindingthatnoonehad。
Georgehadratheracuriousoilskin-coveredparcelinhishand。Itwasroundandflatatoneend,withalongstraighthandlestickingoutofit。
\"What\'sthat?\"saidHarris-\"afrying-pan?\"
\"No,\"saidGeorge,withastrange,wildlookglitteringinhiseyes;
\"theyarealltheragethisseason;everybodyhasgotthemuptheriver。
It\'sabanjo。\"
\"Ineverknewyouplayedthebanjo!\"criedHarrisandI,inonebreath。
\"Notexactly,\"repliedGeorge:\"butit\'sveryeasy,theytellme;andI\'vegottheinstructionbook!\"
CHAPTERIX。
GEORGEISINTRODUCEDTOWORK-HEATHENISHINSTINCTSOFTOW-LINES-
UNGRATEFULCONDUCTOFADOUBLE-SCULLINGSKIFF-TOWERSANDTOWED-A
USEDISCOVEREDFORLOVERS-STRANGEDISAPPEARANCEOFANELDERLYLADY-
MUCHHASTE,LESSSPEED-BEINGTOWEDBYGIRLS:EXCITINGSENSATION-THE
MISSINGLOCKORTHEHAUNTEDRIVER-MUSIC-SAVED!
WEmadeGeorgework,nowwehadgothim。Hedidnotwanttowork,ofcourse;thatgoeswithoutsaying。HehadhadahardtimeintheCity,soheexplained。Harris,whoiscallousinhisnature,andnotpronetopity,said:
\"Ah!andnowyouaregoingtohaveahardtimeontheriverforachange;
changeisgoodforeveryone。Outyouget!\"
Hecouldnotinconscience-notevenGeorge\'sconscience-object,thoughhedidsuggestthat,perhaps,itwouldbebetterforhimtostopintheboat,andgetteaready,whileHarrisandItowed,becausegettingteawassuchaworryingwork,andHarrisandIlookedtired。Theonlyreplywemadetothis,however,wastopasshimoverthetow-line,andhetookit,andsteppedout。
Thereissomethingverystrangeandunaccountableaboutatow-line。Yourollitupwithasmuchpatienceandcareasyouwouldtaketofoldupanewpairoftrousers,andfiveminutesafterwards,whenyoupickitup,itisoneghastly,soul-revoltingtangle。
Idonotwishtobeinsulting,butIfirmlybelievethatifyoutookanaveragetow-line,andstretcheditoutstraightacrossthemiddleofafield,andthenturnedyourbackonitforthirtyseconds,that,whenyoulookedroundagain,youwouldfindthatithadgotitselfaltogetherinaheapinthemiddleofthefield,andhadtwisteditselfup,andtieditselfintoknots,andlostitstwoends,andbecomeallloops;anditwouldtakeyouagoodhalf-hour,sittingdownthereonthegrassandswearingallthewhile,todisentangleitagain。
Thatismyopinionoftow-linesingeneral。Ofcourse,theremaybehonourableexceptions;Idonotsaythattherearenot。Theremaybetow-linesthatareacredittotheirprofession-conscientious,respectabletow-lines-tow-linesthatdonotimaginetheyarecrochet-
work,andtrytoknitthemselvesupintoantimacassarstheinstanttheyarelefttothemselves。IsaythereMAYbesuchtow-lines;Isincerelyhopethereare。ButIhavenotmetwiththem。
Thistow-lineIhadtakeninmyselfjustbeforewehadgottothelock。
IwouldnotletHarristouchit,becauseheiscareless。Ihadloopeditroundslowlyandcautiously,andtieditupinthemiddle,andfoldeditintwo,andlaiditdowngentlyatthebottomoftheboat。Harrishadlifteditupscientifically,andhadputitintoGeorge\'shand。Georgehadtakenitfirmly,andhelditawayfromhim,andhadbeguntounravelitasifheweretakingtheswaddlingclothesoffanew-borninfant;and,beforehehadunwoundadozenyards,thethingwasmorelikeabadly-madedoor-matthananythingelse。
Itisalwaysthesame,andthesamesortofthingalwaysgoesoninconnectionwithit。Themanonthebank,whoistryingtodisentangleit,thinksallthefaultlieswiththemanwhorolleditup;andwhenamanuptheriverthinksathing,hesaysit。
\"Whathaveyoubeentryingtodowithit,makeafishing-netofit?
You\'vemadeanicemessyouhave;whycouldn\'tyouwinditupproperly,yousillydummy?\"hegruntsfromtimetotimeashestruggleswildlywithit,andlaysitoutflatonthetow-path,andrunsroundandroundit,tryingtofindtheend。
Ontheotherhand,themanwhowounditupthinksthewholecauseofthemuddlerestswiththemanwhoistryingtounwindit。
\"Itwasallrightwhenyoutookit!\"heexclaimsindignantly。\"Whydon\'tyouthinkwhatyouaredoing?Yougoaboutthingsinsuchaslap-dashstyle。You\'dgetascaffoldingpoleentangledyouwould!\"
Andtheyfeelsoangrywithoneanotherthattheywouldliketohangeachotherwiththething。
Tenminutesgoby,andthefirstmangivesayellandgoesmad,anddancesontherope,andtriestopullitstraightbyseizingholdofthefirstpiecethatcomestohishandandhaulingatit。Ofcourse,thisonlygetsitintoatightertanglethanever。Thenthesecondmanclimbsoutoftheboatandcomestohelphim,andtheygetineachother\'sway,andhinderoneanother。Theybothgetholdofthesamebitofline,andpullatitinoppositedirections,andwonderwhereitiscaught。Intheend,theydogetitclear,andthenturnroundandfindthattheboathasdriftedoff,andismakingstraightfortheweir。
Thisreallyhappenedoncetomyownknowledge。ItwasupbyBoveney,oneratherwindymorning。Wewerepullingdownstream,and,aswecameroundthebend,wenoticedacoupleofmenonthebank。TheywerelookingateachotherwithasbewilderedandhelplesslymiserableexpressionasI
haveeverwitnessedonanyhumancountenancebeforeorsince,andtheyheldalongtow-linebetweenthem。Itwasclearthatsomethinghadhappened,soweeasedupandaskedthemwhatwasthematter。
\"Why,ourboat\'sgoneoff!\"theyrepliedinanindignanttone。\"Wejustgotouttodisentanglethetow-line,andwhenwelookedround,itwasgone!\"
Andtheyseemedhurtatwhattheyevidentlyregardedasameanandungratefulactonthepartoftheboat。
Wefoundthetruantforthemhalfamilefurtherdown,heldbysomerushes,andwebroughtitbacktothem。Ibettheydidnotgivethatboatanotherchanceforaweek。
Ishallneverforgetthepictureofthosetwomenwalkingupanddownthebankwithatow-line,lookingfortheirboat。
Oneseesagoodmanyfunnyincidentsuptheriverinconnectionwithtowing。Oneofthemostcommonisthesightofacoupleoftowers,walkingbrisklyalong,deepinananimateddiscussion,whilethemanintheboat,ahundredyardsbehindthem,isvainlyshriekingtothemtostop,andmakingfranticsignsofdistresswithascull。Somethinghasgonewrong;therudderhascomeoff,ortheboat-hookhasslippedoverboard,orhishathasdroppedintothewaterandisfloatingrapidlydownstream。
Hecallstothemtostop,quitegentlyandpolitelyatfirst。
\"Hi!stopaminute,willyou?\"heshoutscheerily。\"I\'vedroppedmyhatover-board。\"
Then:\"Hi!Tom-Dick!can\'tyouhear?\"notquitesoaffablythistime。
Then:\"Hi!ConfoundYOU,youdunder-headedidiots!Hi!stop!Ohyou-!\"
Afterthathespringsup,anddancesabout,androarshimselfredintheface,andcurseseverythingheknows。Andthesmallboysonthebankstopandjeerathim,andpitchstonesathimasheispulledalongpastthem,attherateoffourmilesanhour,andcan\'tgetout。
Muchofthissortoftroublewouldbesavedifthosewhoaretowingwouldkeeprememberingthattheyaretowing,andgiveaprettyfrequentlookroundtoseehowtheirmanisgettingon。Itisbesttoletonepersontow。Whentwoaredoingit,theygetchattering,andforget,andtheboatitself,offering,asitdoes,butlittleresistance,isofnorealserviceinremindingthemofthefact。
Asanexampleofhowutterlyobliviousapairoftowerscanbetotheirwork,Georgetoldus,lateronintheevening,whenwewerediscussingthesubjectaftersupper,ofaverycuriousinstance。
Heandthreeothermen,sohesaid,werescullingaveryheavilyladenboatupfromMaidenheadoneevening,andalittleaboveCookhamlocktheynoticedafellowandagirl,walkingalongthetowpath,bothdeepinanapparentlyinterestingandabsorbingconversation。Theywerecarryingaboat-hookbetweenthem,and,attachedtotheboat-hookwasatow-line,whichtrailedbehindthem,itsendinthewater。Noboatwasnear,noboatwasinsight。Theremusthavebeenaboatattachedtothattow-lineatsometimeorother,thatwascertain;butwhathadbecomeofit,whatghastlyfatehadovertakenit,andthosewhohadbeenleftinit,wasburiedinmystery。Whatevertheaccidentmayhavebeen,however,ithadinnowaydisturbedtheyoungladyandgentleman,whoweretowing。Theyhadtheboat-hookandtheyhadtheline,andthatseemedtobeallthattheythoughtnecessarytotheirwork。
Georgewasabouttocalloutandwakethemup,but,atthatmoment,abrightideaflashedacrosshim,andhedidn\'t。Hegotthehitcherinstead,andreachedover,anddrewintheendofthetow-line;andtheymadealoopinit,andputitovertheirmast,andthentheytidiedupthesculls,andwentandsatdowninthestern,andlittheirpipes。
AndthatyoungmanandyoungwomantowedthosefourhulkingchapsandaheavyboatuptoMarlow。
Georgesaidheneversawsomuchthoughtfulsadnessconcentratedintooneglancebefore,aswhen,atthelock,thatyoungcouplegraspedtheideathat,forthelasttwomiles,theyhadbeentowingthewrongboat。
Georgefanciedthat,ifithadnotbeenfortherestraininginfluenceofthesweetwomanathisside,theyoungmanmighthavegivenwaytoviolentlanguage。
Themaidenwasthefirsttorecoverfromhersurprise,and,whenshedid,sheclaspedherhands,andsaid,wildly:
\"Oh,Henry,thenWHEREisauntie?\"
\"Didtheyeverrecovertheoldlady?\"askedHarris。
Georgerepliedhedidnotknow。
AnotherexampleofthedangerouswantofsympathybetweentowerandtowedwaswitnessedbyGeorgeandmyselfonceupnearWalton。Itwaswherethetow-pathshelvesgentlydownintothewater,andwewerecampingontheoppositebank,noticingthingsingeneral。By-and-byasmallboatcameinsight,towedthroughthewateratatremendouspacebyapowerfulbargehorse,onwhichsataverysmallboy。Scatteredabouttheboat,indreamyandreposefulattitudes,layfivefellows,themanwhowassteeringhavingaparticularlyrestfulappearance。
\"Ishouldliketoseehimpullthewrongline,\"murmuredGeorge,astheypassed。Andatthatprecisemomentthemandidit,andtheboatrushedupthebankwithanoiseliketherippingupoffortythousandlinensheets。Twomen,ahamper,andthreeoarsimmediatelylefttheboatonthelarboardside,andreclinedonthebank,andoneandahalfmomentsafterwards,twoothermendisembarkedfromthestarboard,andsatdownamongboat-hooksandsailsandcarpet-bagsandbottles。Thelastmanwentontwentyyardsfurther,andthengotoutonhishead。
Thisseemedtosortoflightentheboat,anditwentonmucheasier,thesmallboyshoutingatthetopofhisvoice,andurginghissteedintoagallop。Thefellowssatupandstaredatoneanother。Itwassomesecondsbeforetheyrealisedwhathadhappenedtothem,but,whentheydid,theybegantoshoutlustilyfortheboytostop。He,however,wastoomuchoccupiedwiththehorsetohearthem,andwewatchedthem,flyingafterhim,untilthedistancehidthemfromview。
IcannotsayIwassorryattheirmishap。Indeed,Ionlywishthatalltheyoungfoolswhohavetheirboatstowedinthisfashion-andplentydo-couldmeetwithsimilarmisfortunes。Besidestherisktheyrunthemselves,theybecomeadangerandanannoyancetoeveryotherboattheypass。Goingatthepacetheydo,itisimpossibleforthemtogetoutofanybodyelse\'sway,orforanybodyelsetogetoutoftheirs。
Theirlinegetshitchedacrossyourmast,andoverturnsyou,oritcatchessomebodyintheboat,andeitherthrowsthemintothewater,orcutstheirfaceopen。Thebestplanistostandyourground,andbepreparedtokeepthemoffwiththebutt-endofamast。
Ofallexperiencesinconnectionwithtowing,themostexcitingisbeingtowedbygirls。Itisasensationthatnobodyoughttomiss。Ittakesthreegirlstotowalways;twoholdtherope,andtheotheronerunsroundandround,andgiggles。Theygenerallybeginbygettingthemselvestiedup。Theygetthelineroundtheirlegs,andhavetositdownonthepathandundoeachother,andthentheytwistitroundtheirnecks,andarenearlystrangled。Theyfixitstraight,however,atlast,andstartoffatarun,pullingtheboatalongatquiteadangerouspace。Attheendofahundredyardstheyarenaturallybreathless,andsuddenlystop,andallsitdownonthegrassandlaugh,andyourboatdriftsouttomid-
streamandturnsround,beforeyouknowwhathashappened,orcangetholdofascull。Thentheystandup,andaresurprised。
\"Oh,look!\"theysay;\"he\'sgonerightoutintothemiddle。\"
Theypullonprettysteadilyforabit,afterthis,andthenitallatonceoccurstooneofthemthatshewillpinupherfrock,andtheyeaseupforthepurpose,andtheboatrunsaground。
Youjumpup,andpushitoff,andyoushouttothemnottostop。
\"Yes。What\'sthematter?\"theyshoutback。
\"Don\'tstop,\"youroar。
\"Don\'twhat?\"
\"Don\'tstop-goon-goon!\"
\"Goback,Emily,andseewhatitistheywant,\"saysone;andEmilycomesback,andaskswhatitis。
\"Whatdoyouwant?\"shesays;\"anythinghappened?\"
\"No,\"youreply,\"it\'sallright;onlygoon,youknow-don\'tstop。\"
\"Whynot?\"
\"Why,wecan\'tsteer,ifyoukeepstopping。Youmustkeepsomewayontheboat。\"
\"Keepsomewhat?\"
\"Someway-youmustkeeptheboatmoving。\"
\"Oh,allright,I\'lltell`em。Arewedoingitallright?\"
\"Oh,yes,verynicely,indeed,onlydon\'tstop。\"
\"Itdoesn\'tseemdifficultatall。Ithoughtitwassohard。\"
\"Oh,no,it\'ssimpleenough。Youwanttokeeponsteadyatit,that\'sall。\"
\"Isee。Givemeoutmyredshawl,it\'sunderthecushion。\"
Youfindtheshawl,andhanditout,andbythistimeanotheronehascomebackandthinksshewillhaveherstoo,andtheytakeMary\'sonchance,andMarydoesnotwantit,sotheybringitbackandhaveapocket-combinstead。Itisabouttwentyminutesbeforetheygetoffagain,and,atthenextcorner,theyseeacow,andyouhavetoleavetheboattochivythecowoutoftheirway。
Thereisneveradullmomentintheboatwhilegirlsaretowingit。
Georgegotthelinerightafterawhile,andtowedussteadilyontoPentonHook。Therewediscussedtheimportantquestionofcamping。Wehaddecidedtosleeponboardthatnight,andwehadeithertolayupjustaboutthere,orgoonpastStaines。Itseemedearlytothinkaboutshuttingupthen,however,withthesunstillintheheavens,andwesettledtopushstraightonforRunnymead,threeandahalfmilesfurther,aquietwoodedpartoftheriver,andwherethereisgoodshelter。
Weallwished,however,afterwardthatwehadstoppedatPentonHook。
Threeorfourmilesupstreamisatrifle,earlyinthemorning,butitisawearypullattheendofalongday。Youtakenointerestinthesceneryduringtheselastfewmiles。Youdonotchatandlaugh。Everyhalf-mileyoucoverseemsliketwo。Youcanhardlybelieveyouareonlywhereyouare,andyouareconvincedthatthemapmustbewrong;and,whenyouhavetrudgedalongforwhatseemstoyouatleasttenmiles,andstillthelockisnotinsight,youbegintoseriouslyfearthatsomebodymusthavesneakedit,andrunoffwithit。
Irememberbeingterriblyupsetonceuptheriver(inafigurativesense,Imean)。Iwasoutwithayounglady-cousinonmymother\'sside-andwewerepullingdowntoGoring。Itwasratherlate,andwewereanxioustogetin-atleastSHEwasanxioustogetin。Itwashalf-pastsixwhenwereachedBenson\'slock,andduskwasdrawingon,andshebegantogetexcitedthen。Shesaidshemustbeintosupper。IsaiditwasathingIfeltIwantedtobeinat,too;andIdrewoutamapIhadwithmetoseeexactlyhowfaritwas。Isawitwasjustamileandahalftothenextlock-Wallingford-andfiveonfromtheretoCleeve。
\"Oh,it\'sallright!\"Isaid。\"We\'llbethroughthenextlockbeforeseven,andthenthereisonlyonemore;\"andIsettleddownandpulledsteadilyaway。
Wepassedthebridge,andsoonafterthatIaskedifshesawthelock。
Shesaidno,shedidnotseeanylock;andIsaid,\"Oh!\"andpulledon。
Anotherfiveminuteswentby,andthenIaskedhertolookagain。
\"No,\"shesaid;\"Ican\'tseeanysignsofalock。\"
\"You-youaresureyouknowalock,whenyoudoseeone?\"Iaskedhesitatingly,notwishingtooffendher。
Thequestiondidoffendher,however,andshesuggestedthatIhadbetterlookformyself;soIlaiddownthesculls,andtookaview。Theriverstretchedoutstraightbeforeusinthetwilightforaboutamile;notaghostofalockwastobeseen。
\"Youdon\'tthinkwehavelostourway,doyou?\"askedmycompanion。
Ididnotseehowthatwaspossible;though,asIsuggested,wemighthavesomehowgotintotheweirstream,andbemakingforthefalls。
Thisideadidnotcomfortherintheleast,andshebegantocry。Shesaidweshouldbothbedrowned,andthatitwasajudgmentonherforcomingoutwithme。
Itseemedanexcessivepunishment,Ithought;butmycousinthoughtnot,andhopeditwouldallsoonbeover。
Itriedtoreassureher,andtomakelightofthewholeaffair。IsaidthatthefactevidentlywasthatIwasnotrowingasfastasIfanciedI
was,butthatweshouldsoonreachthelocknow;andIpulledonforanothermile。
ThenIbegantogetnervousmyself。Ilookedagainatthemap。TherewasWallingfordlock,clearlymarked,amileandahalfbelowBenson\'s。
Itwasagood,reliablemap;and,besides,Irecollectedthelockmyself。
Ihadbeenthroughittwice。Wherewerewe?Whathadhappenedtous?I
begantothinkitmustbealladream,andthatIwasreallyasleepinbed,andshouldwakeupinaminute,andbetolditwaspastten。
Iaskedmycousinifshethoughtitcouldbeadream,andsherepliedthatshewasjustabouttoaskmethesamequestion;andthenwebothwonderedifwewerebothasleep,andifso,whowastherealonethatwasdreaming,andwhowastheonethatwasonlyadream;itgotquiteinteresting。
Istillwentonpulling,however,andstillnolockcameinsight,andtherivergrewmoreandmoregloomyandmysteriousunderthegatheringshadowsofnight,andthingsseemedtobegettingweirdanduncanny。I
thoughtofhobgoblinsandbanshees,andwill-o\'-the-wisps,andthosewickedgirlswhositupallnightonrocks,andlurepeopleintowhirl-
poolsandthings;andIwishedIhadbeenabetterman,andknewmorehymns;andinthemiddleofthesereflectionsIheardtheblessedstrainsof\"He\'sgot`emon,\"played,badly,onaconcertina,andknewthatweweresaved。
Idonotadmirethetonesofaconcertina,asarule;but,oh!howbeautifulthemusicseemedtousboththen-far,farmorebeautifulthanthevoiceofOrpheusortheluteofApollo,oranythingofthatsortcouldhavesounded。Heavenlymelody,inourthenstateofmind,wouldonlyhavestillfurtherharrowedus。Asoul-movingharmony,correctlyperformed,weshouldhavetakenasaspirit-warning,andhavegivenupallhope。Butaboutthestrainsof\"He\'sgot`emon,\"jerkedspasmodically,andwithinvoluntaryvariations,outofawheezyaccordion,therewassomethingsingularlyhumanandreassuring。
Thesweetsoundsdrewnearer,andsoontheboatfromwhichtheywereworkedlayalongsideus。
Itcontainedapartyofprovincial`Arrysand`Arriets,outforamoonlightsail。(Therewasnotanymoon,butthatwasnottheirfault。)
Ineversawmoreattractive,lovablepeopleinallmylife。Ihailedthem,andaskediftheycouldtellmethewaytoWallingfordlock;andI
explainedthatIhadbeenlookingforitforthelasttwohours。
\"Wallingfordlock!\"theyanswered。\"Lor\'loveyou,sir,that\'sbeendoneawaywithforoverayear。Thereain\'tnoWallingfordlocknow,sir。
You\'reclosetoCleevenow。Blowmetightif`ereain\'tagentlemanbeenlookingforWallingfordlock,Bill!\"
Ihadneverthoughtofthat。Iwantedtofalluponalltheirnecksandblessthem;butthestreamwasrunningtoostrongjusttheretoallowofthis,soIhadtocontentmyselfwithmerecold-soundingwordsofgratitude。
Wethankedthemoverandoveragain,andwesaiditwasalovelynight,andwewishedthemapleasanttrip,and,Ithink,Iinvitedthemalltocomeandspendaweekwithme,andmycousinsaidhermotherwouldbesopleasedtoseethem。Andwesangthesoldiers\'chorusoutofFAUST,andgothomeintimeforsupper,afterall。
CHAPTERX。
OURFIRSTNIGHT-UNDERCANVAS-ANAPPEALFORHELP-CONTRARINESSOF
TEA-KETTLES,HOWTOOVERCOME-SUPPER-HOWTOFEELVIRTUOUS-WANTED!
ACOMFORTABLY-APPOINTED,WELL-DRAINEDDESERTISLAND,NEIGHBOURHOODOF
SOUTHPACIFICOCEANPREFERRED-FUNNYTHINGTHATHAPPENEDTOGEORGE\'S
FATHER-ARESTLESSNIGHT。
HARRISandIbegantothinkthatBellWeirlockmusthavebeendoneawaywithafterthesamemanner。GeorgehadtowedusuptoStaines,andwehadtakentheboatfromthere,anditseemedthatweweredraggingfiftytonsafterus,andwerewalkingfortymiles。Itwashalf-pastsevenwhenwewerethrough,andweallgotin,andsculledupclosetotheleftbank,lookingoutforaspottohaulupin。
WehadoriginallyintendedtogoontoMagnaChartaIsland,asweetlyprettypartoftheriver,whereitwindsthroughasoft,greenvalley,andtocampinoneofthemanypicturesqueinletstobefoundroundthattinyshore。But,somehow,wedidnotfeelthatweyearnedforthepicturesquenearlysomuchnowaswehadearlierintheday。Abitofwaterbetweenacoal-bargeandagas-workswouldhavequitesatisfiedusforthatnight。Wedidnotwantscenery。Wewantedtohaveoursupperandgotobed。However,wedidpulluptothepoint-\"PicnicPoint,\"itiscalled-anddroppedintoaverypleasantnookunderagreatelm-tree,tothespreadingrootsofwhichwefastenedtheboat。
Thenwethoughtweweregoingtohavesupper(wehaddispensedwithtea,soastosavetime),butGeorgesaidno;thatwehadbettergetthecanvasupfirst,beforeitgotquitedark,andwhilewecouldseewhatweweredoing。Then,hesaid,allourworkwouldbedone,andwecouldsitdowntoeatwithaneasymind。
ThatcanvaswantedmoreputtingupthanIthinkanyofushadbargainedfor。Itlookedsosimpleintheabstract。Youtookfiveironarches,likegiganticcroquethoops,andfittedthemupovertheboat,andthenstretchedthecanvasoverthem,andfasteneditdown:itwouldtakequitetenminutes,wethought。
Thatwasanunder-estimate。
Wetookupthehoops,andbegantodropthemintothesocketsplacedforthem。Youwouldnotimaginethistobedangerouswork;but,lookingbacknow,thewondertomeisthatanyofusarealivetotellthetale。Theywerenothoops,theyweredemons。Firsttheywouldnotfitintotheirsocketsatall,andwehadtojumponthem,andkickthem,andhammeratthemwiththeboat-hook;and,whentheywerein,itturnedoutthattheywerethewronghoopsforthoseparticularsockets,andtheyhadtocomeoutagain。
Buttheywouldnotcomeout,untiltwoofushadgoneandstruggledwiththemforfiveminutes,whentheywouldjumpupsuddenly,andtryandthrowusintothewateranddrownus。Theyhadhingesinthemiddle,and,whenwewerenotlooking,theynippeduswiththesehingesindelicatepartsofthebody;and,whilewewerewrestlingwithonesideofthehoop,andendeavouringtopersuadeittodoitsduty,theothersidewouldcomebehindusinacowardlymanner,andhitusoverthehead。
Wegotthemfixedatlast,andthenallthatwastobedonewastoarrangethecoveringoverthem。Georgeunrolledit,andfastenedoneendoverthenoseoftheboat。HarrisstoodinthemiddletotakeitfromGeorgeandrollitontome,andIkeptbythesterntoreceiveit。Itwasalongtimecomingdowntome。Georgedidhispartallright,butitwasnewworktoHarris,andhebungledit。
HowhemanageditIdonotknow,hecouldnotexplainhimself;butbysomemysteriousprocessorotherhesucceeded,aftertenminutesofsuperhumaneffort,ingettinghimselfcompletelyrolledupinit。Hewassofirmlywrappedroundandtuckedinandfoldedover,thathecouldnotgetout。He,ofcourse,madefranticstrugglesforfreedom-thebirthrightofeveryEnglishman,-and,indoingso(Ilearnedthisafterwards),knockedoverGeorge;andthenGeorge,swearingatHarris,begantostruggletoo,andgothimselfentangledandrolledup。
Iknewnothingaboutallthisatthetime。Ididnotunderstandthebusinessatallmyself。IhadbeentoldtostandwhereIwas,andwaittillthecanvascametome,andMontmorencyandIstoodthereandwaited,bothasgoodasgold。Wecouldseethecanvasbeingviolentlyjerkedandtossedabout,prettyconsiderably;butwesupposedthiswaspartofthemethod,anddidnotinterfere。
Wealsoheardmuchsmotheredlanguagecomingfromunderneathit,andweguessedthattheywerefindingthejobrathertroublesome,andconcludedthatwewouldwaituntilthingshadgotalittlesimplerbeforewejoinedin。
Wewaitedsometime,butmattersseemedtogetonlymoreandmoreinvolved,until,atlast,George\'sheadcamewrigglingoutoverthesideoftheboat,andspokeup。
Itsaid:
\"Giveusahandhere,can\'tyou,youcuckoo;standingtherelikeastuffedmummy,whenyouseewearebothbeingsuffocated,youdummy!\"
Inevercouldwithstandanappealforhelp,soIwentandundidthem;notbeforeitwastime,either,forHarriswasnearlyblackintheface。
Ittookushalfanhour\'shardlabour,afterthat,beforeitwasproperlyup,andthenweclearedthedecks,andgotoutsupper。Weputthekettleontoboil,upinthenoseoftheboat,andwentdowntothesternandpretendedtotakenonoticeofit,butsettoworktogettheotherthingsout。
Thatistheonlywaytogetakettletoboiluptheriver。Ifitseesthatyouarewaitingforitandareanxious,itwillneverevensing。