\"IknowI’mafool,\"heconfessed。\"IhavenopositiveproofthatitWAShiscat;butI’llmakehimpayforcallingmeanOldBaileyAttorney,hangedifIdon’t!\"
WeallknowhowthepuddingOUGHTtobemade。Wedonotprofesstobeabletomakeit:thatisnotourbusiness。Ourbusinessistocriticizethecook。Itseemsourbusinesstocriticizesomanythingsthatitisnotourbusinesstodo。Weareallcriticsnowadays。Ihavemyopinionofyou,Reader,andyoupossiblyhaveyourownopinionofme。Idonotseektoknowit;personally,I
preferthemanwhosayswhathehastosayofmebehindmyback。I
remember,whenonalecturingtour,theground-planofthehalloftennecessitatedmyminglingwiththeaudienceastheystreamedout。ThisneverhappenedbutIwouldoverhearsomebodyinfrontofmewhispertohisorhercompanion——\"Takecare,he’sjustbehindyou。\"Ialwaysfeltsogratefultothatwhisperer。
AtaBohemianClub,IwasoncedrinkingcoffeewithaNovelist,whohappenedtobeabroad-shouldered,athleticman。Afellow-member,joiningus,saidtotheNovelist,\"Ihavejustfinishedthatlastbookofyours;I’lltellyoumycandidopinionofit。\"PromptlyrepliedtheNovelist,\"Igiveyoufairwarning——ifyoudo,Ishallpunchyourhead。\"Weneverheardthatcandidopinion。
Mostofourleisuretimewespendsneeringatoneanother。Itisawonder,goingaboutaswedowithournosessohighintheair,wedonotwalkoffthislittleroundworldintospace,allofus。TheMassessneerattheClasses。ThemoralsoftheClassesareshocking。IfonlytheClasseswouldconsentasabodytobetaughtbehaviourbyaCommitteeoftheMasses,howverymuchbetteritwouldbeforthem。IfonlytheClasseswouldneglecttheirowninterestsanddevotethemselvestothewelfareoftheMasses,theMasseswouldbemorepleasedwiththem。
TheClassessneerattheMasses。IfonlytheMasseswouldfollowtheadvicegiventhembytheClasses;ifonlytheywouldbethriftyontheirtenshillingsaweek;ifonlytheywouldallbeteetotalers,ordrinkoldclaret,whichisnotintoxicating;ifonlyallthegirlswouldbedomesticservantsonfivepoundsayear,andnotwastetheirmoneyonfeathers;ifonlythemenwouldbecontenttoworkforfourteenhoursaday,andtosingintune,\"GodblesstheSquireandhisrelations,\"andwouldconsenttobekeptintheirproperstations,allthingswouldgoswimmingly——fortheClasses。
TheNewWomanpooh-poohstheOld;theOldWomanisindignantwiththeNew。TheChapeldenouncestheStage;theStageridiculesLittleBethel;theMinorPoetsneersattheworld;theworldlaughsattheMinorPoet。
MancriticizesWoman。Wearenotaltogetherpleasedwithwoman。Wediscusshershortcomings,weadviseherforhergood。IfonlyEnglishwiveswoulddressasFrenchwives,talkasAmericanwives,cookasGermanwives!ifonlywomenwouldbepreciselywhatwewantthemtobe——patientandhard-working,brilliantlywittyandexhaustivelydomestic,bewitching,amenable,andlesssuspicious;
howverymuchbetteritwouldbeforthem——alsoforus。Weworksohardtoteachthem,buttheywillnotlisten。Insteadofpayingattentiontoourwisecounsel,thetiresomecreaturesarewastingtheirtimecriticizingus。Itisapopulargame,thisgameofschool。Allthatisneedfulisadoorstep,acane,andsixotherchildren。Thedifficultyisthesixotherchildren。Everychildwantstobetheschoolmaster;theywillkeepjumpingup,sayingitistheirturn。
Womanwantstotakethesticknow,andputmanonthedoorstep。
Thereareoneortwothingsshehasgottosaytohim。Heisnotatallthemansheapprovesof。Hemustbeginbygettingridofallhisnaturaldesiresandpropensities;thatdone,shewilltakehiminhandandmakeofhim——notaman,butsomethingverymuchsuperior。
Itwouldbethebestofallpossibleworldsifeverybodywouldonlyfollowouradvice。Iwonder,wouldJerusalemhavebeenthecleanlycityitisreported,if,insteadoftroublinghimselfconcerninghisowntwopenny-halfpennydoorstep,eachcitizenhadgoneoutintotheroadandgiveneloquentlecturestoalltheotherinhabitantsonthesubjectofsanitation?
WehavetakentocriticizingtheCreatorHimselfoflate。Theworldiswrong,wearewrong。IfonlyHehadtakenouradvice,duringthosefirstsixdays!
WhydoIseemtohavebeenscoopedoutandfilledupwithlead?WhydoIhatethesmellofbacon,andfeelthatnobodycaresforme?Itisbecausechampagneandlobstershavebeenmadewrong。
WhydoEdwinandAngelinaquarrel?ItisbecauseEdwinhasbeengivenafine,high-spiritednaturethatwillnotbrookcontradiction;whileAngelina,poorgirl,hasbeencursedwithcontradictoryinstincts。
WhyisexcellentMr。Jonesbroughtdownnextdoortobeggary?Mr。
Joneshadanincomeofathousandayear,securedbytheFunds。ButtherecamealongawickedCompanypromoter(whyarewickedCompanypromoterspermitted?)withaprospectus,tellinggoodMr。Joneshowtoobtainahundredpercent。forhismoneybyinvestingitinsomeschemefortheswindlingofMr。Jones’sfellow-citizens。
Theschemedoesnotsucceed;thepeopleswindledturnout,contrarytothepromiseoftheprospectus,tobeMr。Jonesandhisfellow-investors。WhydoesHeavenallowthesewrongs?
WhydoesMrs。Brownleaveherhusbandandchildren,torunoffwiththeNewDoctor?Itisbecauseanill-advisedCreatorhasgivenMrs。
BrownandtheNewDoctorundulystrongemotions。NeitherMrs。BrownnortheNewDoctoraretobeblamed。Ifanyhumanbeingbeanswerableitis,probably,Mrs。Brown’sgrandfather,orsomeearlyancestoroftheNewDoctor’s。
WeshallcriticizeHeavenwhenwegetthere。Idoubtifanyofuswillbepleasedwiththearrangements;wehavegrownsoexceedinglycritical。
ItwasoncesaidofaverysuperioryoungmanthatheseemedtobeundertheimpressionthatGodAlmightyhadmadetheuniversechieflytohearwhathewouldsayaboutit。Consciouslyorunconsciously,mostofusareofthiswayofthinking。Itisanageofmutualimprovementsocieties——adelightfulidea,everybody’sbusinessbeingtoimproveeverybodyelse;ofamateurparliaments,ofliterarycouncils,ofplaygoers’clubs。
FirstNightcriticismseemstohavediedoutoflate,theStudentoftheDramahavingcometotheconclusion,possibly,thatplaysarenotworthcriticizing。Butinmyyoungdayswewereveryearnestatthiswork。Wewenttotheplay,lesswiththeselfishdesireofenjoyingourevening,thanwiththenobleaimofelevatingtheStage。Maybewedidgood,maybewewereneeded——letusthinkso。
Certainitis,manyoftheoldabsurditieshavedisappearedfromtheTheatre,andourrough-and-readycriticismmayhavehelpedthehappydispatch。Afollyisoftenservedbyanunwiseremedy。
Thedramatistinthosedayshadtoreckonwithhisaudience。
GalleryandPittookaninterestinhisworksuchasGalleriesandPitsnolongertake。Irecollectwitnessingtheproductionofaveryblood-curdlingmelodramaat,Ithink,theoldQueen’sTheatre。
Theheroinehadbeengivenbytheauthoraquiteunnecessaryamountofconversation,soweconsidered。Thewoman,wheneversheappearedonthestage,talkedbytheyard;shecouldnotdoasimplelittlethinglikecursingtheVillainunderabouttwentylines。Whentheheroaskedherifshelovedhimshestoodupandmadeaspeechaboutitthatlastedthreeminutesbythewatch。Onedreadedtoseeheropenhermouth。IntheThirdAct,somebodygotholdofherandshutherupinadungeon。Hewasnotaniceman,speakinggenerally,butwefelthewasthemanforthesituation,andthehousecheeredhimtotheecho。Weflatteredourselveswehadgotridofherfortherestoftheevening。Thensomefoolofaturnkeycamealong,andsheappealedtohim,throughthegrating,toletheroutforafewminutes。Theturnkey,agoodbutsoft-heartedman,hesitated。
\"Don’tyoudoit,\"shoutedoneearnestStudentoftheDrama,fromtheGallery;\"she’sallright。Keepherthere!\"
Theoldidiotpaidnoattentiontoouradvice;hearguedthemattertohimself。\"’Tisbutatriflingrequest,\"heremarked;\"anditwillmakeherhappy。\"
\"Yes,butwhataboutus?\"repliedthesamevoicefromtheGallery。
\"Youdon’tknowher。You’veonlyjustcomeon;we’vebeenlisteningtoheralltheevening。She’squietnow,youletherbe。\"
\"Oh,letmeout,ifonlyforonemoment!\"shriekedthepoorwoman。
\"IhavesomethingthatImustsaytomychild。\"
\"Writeitonabitofpaper,andpassitout,\"suggestedavoicefromthePit。\"We’llseethathegetsit。\"
\"ShallIkeepamotherfromherdyingchild?\"musedtheturnkey。
\"No,itwouldbeinhuman。\"
\"No,itwouldn’t,\"persistedthevoiceofthePit;\"notinthisinstance。It’stoomuchtalkthathasmadethepoorchildill。\"
Theturnkeywouldnotbeguidedbyus。Heopenedthecelldooramidsttheexecrationsofthewholehouse。Shetalkedtoherchildforaboutfiveminutes,attheendofwhichtimeitdied。
\"Ah,heisdead!\"shriekedthedistressedparent。
\"Luckybeggar!\"wastheunsympatheticrejoinderofthehouse。
Sometimesthecriticismoftheaudiencewouldtaketheformofremarks,addressedbyonegentlemantoanother。Wehadbeenlisteningonenighttoaplayinwhichactionseemedtobeunnecessarilysubordinatedtodialogue,andsomewhatpoordialogueatthat。Suddenly,acrossthewearyingtalkfromthestage,camethestentorianwhisper——
\"Jim!\"
\"Hallo!\"
\"Wakemeupwhentheplaybegins。\"
Thiswasfollowedbyanostentatioussoundasofsnoring。Thenthevoiceofthesecondspeakerwasheard——
\"Sammy!\"
Hisfriendappearedtoawake。
\"Eh?Yes?What’sup?Hasanythinghappened?\"
\"Wakeyouupathalf-pasteleveninanyevent,Isuppose?\"
\"Thanks,do,sonny。\"Andthecriticsleptagain。
Yes,wetookaninterestinourplaysthen。IwondershallIeverenjoytheBritishDramaagainasIenjoyeditinthosedays?ShallIeverenjoyasupperagainasIenjoyedthetripeandonionswasheddownwithbitterbeeratthebaroftheoldAlbion?Ihavetriedmanysuppersafterthetheatresincethen,andsome,whenfriendshavebeeningenerousmood,havebeenexpensiveandelaborate。ThecookmayhavecomefromParis,hisportraitmaybeintheillustratedpapers,hissalarymaybereckonedbyhundreds;butthereissomethingwrongwithhisart,forallthat,Imissaflavourinhismeats。Thereisasaucelacking。
Naturehashercoinage,anddemandspaymentinherowncurrency。AtNature’sshopitisyouyourselfmustpay。Yourunearnedincrement,yourinheritedfortune,yourluck,arenotlegaltendersacrosshercounter。
Youwantagoodappetite。Natureisquitewillingtosupplyyou。
\"Certainly,sir,\"shereplies,\"Icandoyouaveryexcellentarticleindeed。Ihaveherearealgenuinehungerandthirstthatwillmakeyourmealadelighttoyou。Youshalleatheartilyandwithzest,andyoushallrisefromthetablerefreshed,invigorated,andcheerful。\"
\"JusttheverythingIwant,\"exclaimsthegourmetdelightedly。
\"Tellmetheprice。\"
\"Theprice,\"answersMrs。Nature,\"isonelongday’shardwork。\"
Thecustomer’sfacefalls;hehandlesnervouslyhisheavypurse。
\"CannotIpayforitinmoney?\"heasks。\"Idon’tlikework,butI
amarichman,IcanaffordtokeepFrenchcooks,topurchaseoldwines。\"
Natureshakesherhead。
\"Icannottakeyourcheques,tissueandnervearemycharges。FortheseIcangiveyouanappetitethatwillmakearump-steakandatankardofalemoredelicioustoyouthananydinnerthatthegreatestchefinEuropecouldputbeforeyou。Icanevenpromiseyouthatahunkofbreadandcheeseshallbeabanquettoyou;butyoumustpaymypriceinmymoney;Idonotdealinyours。\"
AndnexttheDilettanteenters,demandingatasteforArtandLiterature,andthisalsoNatureisquitepreparedtosupply。
\"Icangiveyoutruedelightinallthesethings,\"sheanswers。
\"Musicshallbeaswingstoyou,liftingyouabovetheturmoiloftheworld。ThroughArtyoushallcatchaglimpseofTruth。AlongthepleasantpathsofLiteratureyoushallwalkasbesidestillwaters。\"
\"Andyourcharge?\"criesthedelightedcustomer。
\"Thesethingsaresomewhatexpensive,\"repliesNature。\"Iwantfromyoualifelivedsimply,freefromalldesireofworldlysuccess,alifefromwhichpassionhasbeenlivedout;alifetowhichappetitehasbeensubdued。\"
\"Butyoumistake,mydearlady,\"repliestheDilettante;\"Ihavemanyfriends,possessedoftaste,andtheyaremenwhodonotpaythispriceforit。Theirhousesarefullofbeautifulpictures,theyraveabout’nocturnes’and’symphonies,’theirshelvesarepackedwithfirsteditions。Yettheyaremenofluxuryandwealthandfashion。Theytroublemuchconcerningthemakingofmoney,andSocietyistheirheaven。CannotIbeasoneofthese?\"
\"Idonotdealinthetricksofapes,\"answersNaturecoldly;\"thecultureofthesefriendsofyoursisamerepose,afashionofthehour,theirtalkmereparrotchatter。Yes,youcanpurchasesuchcultureasthis,andprettycheaply,butapassionforskittleswouldbeofmoreservicetoyou,andbringyoumoregenuineenjoyment。Mygoodsareofadifferentclass。Ifearwewasteeachother’stime。\"
Andnextcomestheboy,askingwithablushforlove,andNature’smotherlyoldheartgoesouttohim,foritisanarticleshelovestosell,andshelovesthosewhocometopurchaseitofher。Sosheleansacrossthecounter,smiling,andtellshimthatshehastheverythinghewants,andhe,tremblingwithexcitement,likewiseasksthefigure。
\"Itcostsagooddeal,\"explainsNature,butinnodiscouragingtone;\"itisthemostexpensivethinginallmyshop。\"
\"Iamrich,\"repliesthelad。\"Myfatherworkedhardandsaved,andhehasleftmeallhiswealth。Ihavestocksandshares,andlandsandfactories;andwillpayanypriceinreasonforthisthing。\"
ButNature,lookinggraver,laysherhanduponhisarm。
\"Putbyyourpurse,boy,\"shesays,\"mypriceisnotapriceinreason,norisgoldthemetalthatIdealin。Therearemanyshopsinvariousstreetswhereyourbank-noteswillbeaccepted。Butifyouwilltakeanoldwoman’sadvice,youwillnotgotothem。Thethingtheywillsellyouwillbringsorrowanddoeviltoyou。Itischeapenough,but,likeallthingscheap,itisnotworththebuying。Nomanpurchasesit,onlythefool。\"
\"AndwhatisthecostofthethingYOUsellthen?\"asksthelad。
\"Self-forgetfulness,tenderness,strength,\"answerstheoldDame;
\"theloveofallthingsthatareofgoodrepute,thehateofallthingsevil——courage,sympathy,self-respect,thesethingspurchaselove。Putbyyourpurse,lad,itwillserveyouinotherways,butitwillnotbuyforyouthegoodsuponmyshelves。\"
\"ThenamInobetteroffthanthepoorman?\"demandsthelad。
\"Iknownotwealthorpovertyasyouunderstandit,\"answersNature。
\"HereIexchangerealitiesonlyforrealities。Youaskformytreasures,Iaskforyourbrainandheartinexchange——yours,boy,notyourfather’s,notanother’s。\"
\"Andthisprice,\"heargues,\"howshallIobtainit?\"
\"Goabouttheworld,\"repliesthegreatLady。\"Labour,suffer,help。Comebacktomewhenyouhaveearnedyourwages,andaccordingtohowmuchyoubringmesowewilldobusiness。\"
Isrealwealthsounevenlydistributedaswethink?IsnotFatethetrueSocialist?Whoistherichman,whothepoor?Doweknow?
Doeseventhemanhimselfknow?Arewenotstrivingfortheshadow,missingthesubstance?Takelifeatitshighest;whichwasthehappierman,richSolomonorpoorSocrates?Solomonseemstohavehadmostthingsthatmostmenmostdesire——maybetoomuchofsomeforhisowncomfort。Socrateshadlittlebeyondwhathecarriedaboutwithhim,butthatwasagooddeal。Accordingtoourscales,Solomonshouldhavebeenoneofthehappiestmenthateverlived,Socratesoneofthemostwretched。Butwasitso?
Ortakinglifeatitslowest,withpleasureitsonlygoal。IsmylordTomNoddy,inthestalls,soverymuchjollierthan’Arryinthegallery?Werebeertenshillingsthebottle,andchampagnefourpenceaquart,which,thinkyou,weshouldclamourfor?IfeveryWestEndClubhaditsskittlealley,andbilliardscouldonlybeplayedinEastEndpubs,whichgame,mylord,wouldyouselect?
IstheairofBerkeleySquaresomuchmorejoy-givingthantheatmosphereofSevenDials?IfindmyselfapiquancyintheairofSevenDials,missingfromBerkeleySquare。Istheresovastadifferencebetweenhorse-hairandstraw,whenyouaretired?Ishappinessmultipliedbythenumberofroomsinone’shouse?AreLadyErmintrude’slipssoverymuchsweeterthanSally’softheAlley?WhatISsuccessinlife?
ONTHEPLAYINGOFMARCHESATTHEFUNERALSOFMARIONETTES
Hebeganthedaybadly。Hetookmeoutandlostme。Itwouldbesomuchbetter,wouldheconsenttotheusualarrangement,andallowmetotakehimout。Iamfartheablerleader:Isayitwithoutconceit。Iamolderthanheis,andIamlessexcitable。IdonotstopandtalkwitheverypersonImeet,andthenforgetwhereIam。
Idolesstodistractmyself:Irarelyfight,IneverfeelIwanttorunaftercats,Itakebutlittlepleasureinfrighteningchildren。Ihavenothingtothinkaboutbutthewalk,andthegettinghomeagain。If,asIsay,hewouldgiveuptakingmeout,andletmetakehimout,therewouldbelesstroubleallround。ButintothisIhaveneverbeenabletopersuadehim。
Hehadmislaidmeonceortwice,butinSloaneSquarehelostmeentirely。Whenhelosesme,hestandsandbarksforme。Ifonlyhewouldremainwherehefirstbarked,Imightfindmywaytohim;but,beforeIcancrosstheroad,heisbarkinghalf-waydownthenextstreet。IamnotsoyoungasIwasandIsometimesthinkheexercisesmemorethanisgoodforme。IcouldseehimfromwhereI
wasstandingintheKing’sRoad。Evidentlyhewasmostindignant。
Iwastoofarofftodistinguishthebarks,butIcouldguesswhathewassaying——
\"Damnthatman,he’soffagain。\"
Hemadeinquiriesofapassingdog——
\"Youhaven’tsmeltmymanaboutanywhere,haveyou?\"
(Adog,ofcourse,wouldneverspeakofSEEINGanybodyoranything,smellbeinghisleadingsense。Reachingthetopofahill,hewouldsaytohiscompanion——\"Lovelysmellfromhere,Ialwaysthink;I
couldsitandsniffherealltheafternoon。\"Or,proposingawalk,hewouldsay——\"Iliketheroadbythecanal,don’tyou?There’ssomethinginterestingtocatchyournoseateveryturn。\")
\"No,Ihaven’tsmeltanymaninparticular,\"answeredtheotherdog。
\"Whatsortofasmellingmanisyours?\"
\"Oh,anegg-and-baconysortofaman,withadashofsoapabouthim。\"
\"That’snothingtogoby,\"retortedtheother;\"mostmenwouldanswertothatdescription,thistimeofthemorning。Wherewereyouwhenyoulastnoticedhim?\"
Atthismomenthecaughtsightofme,andcameup,pleasedtofindme,butvexedwithmeforhavinggotlost。
\"Oh,hereyouare,\"hebarked;\"didn’tyouseemegoroundthecorner?Dokeepcloser。Botheredifhalfmytimeisn’ttakenup,findingyouandlosingyouagain。\"
Theincidentappearedtohavemadehimbad-tempered;hewasjustinthehumourforarowofanysort。AtthetopofSloaneStreetastoutmilitary-lookinggentlemanstartedrunningaftertheChelseabus。Witha\"Hooroo\"WilliamSmithwasafterhim。Hadtheoldgentlemantakennonotice,allwouldhavebeenwell。Abutcherboy,drivingjustbehind,would——Icouldreaditinhiseye——havecaughtSmithaflickashedartedintotheroad,whichwouldhaveservedhimright;theoldgentlemanwouldhavecapturedhisbus;andtheaffairwouldhavebeenended。Unfortunately,hewasthattypeofretiredmilitarymanallgoutandcurryandnosense。Hestoppedtoswearatthedog。That,ofcourse,waswhatSmithwanted。Itisnotoftenhegetsascrimmagewithafull-grownman。\"They’reapoor-spiritedlot,mostofthem,\"hethinks;\"theywon’tevenansweryouback。Ilikeamanwhoshowsabitofpluck。\"Hewasfrenziedwithdelightathissuccess。Heflewroundhisvictim,weavingwhoopingcirclesandcurvesthatparalyzedtheoldgentlemanasthoughtheyhadbeenthemysticfiguresofaMerlin。Thecolonelclubbedhisumbrella,andattemptedtodefendhimself。Icalledtothedog,Igavegoodadvicetothecolonel(Ijudgedhimtobeacolonel;thelouderhespoke,thelessonecouldunderstandhim),butbothweretooexcitedtolistentome。Asympatheticbusdriverleanedover,andwhisperedhoarsecounsel。
\"Ketch’imbythetail,sir,\"headvisedtheoldgentleman;\"don’tyoubeafraidofhim;youketch’imfirmlybythetail。\"
Amilkman,ontheotherhand,soughtrathertoencourageSmith,shoutingashepassed——
\"Gooddog,killhim!\"
Achild,brainedwithinaninchbytheoldgentleman’sumbrella,begantocry。Thenursetoldtheoldgentlemanhewasafool——aremarkwhichstruckmeassingularlyaptTheoldgentlemangaspedbackthatperambulatorswereillegalonthepavement;and,betweenhisexercises,inquiredaftermyself。Acrowdbegantocollect;andapolicemanstrolledup。
Itwasnottherightthing:Idonotdefendmyself;but,atthispoint,thetemptationcametometodesertWilliamSmith。Helikesastreetrow,Idon’t。Thesethingsaremattersoftemperament。I
havealsonoticedthathehasthehappyinstinctofknowingwhentodisappearfromacrisis,andtheabilitytodoso;mysteriouslyturningup,quarterofamileoff,cladinapeacefulandpre-occupiedair,andtoallappearancesanotherandabetterdog。
ConsolingmyselfwiththereflectionthatIcouldbeofnopracticalassistancetohimandrememberingwithsomesatisfactionthat,byafortunateaccident,hewaswithouthiscollar,whichbearsmynameandaddress,IslippedroundtheoffsideofaVauxhallbus,makingnoattemptatostentation,andworkedmywayhomethroughLowndesSquareandthePark。
FiveminutesafterIhadsatdowntolunch,heflungopenthedining-roomdoor,andmarchedin。Itishiscustomary\"entrance。\"
Inapreviousstateofexistence,hissoulwasprobablythatofanActor-Manager。
Fromhisexuberantself-satisfaction,Iwasinclinedtothinkhemusthavesucceededinfollowingthemilkman’sadvice;atallevents,Ihavenotseenthecolonelsince。Hisbadtemperhaddisappeared,buthis\"uppishness\"had,ifpossible,increased。
Previoustohisreturn,IhadgivenTheO’Shannonabiscuit。TheO’Shannonhadbeeninsulted;hedidnotwantadogbiscuit;ifhecouldnothaveagrilledkidneyhedidnotwantanything。Hehadthrownthebiscuitonthefloor。Smithsawitandmadeforit。NowSmithnevereatsbiscuits。Igivehimoneoccasionally,andheatonceproceedstohideit。Heisathriftydog;hethinksofthefuture。\"Youneverknowwhatmayhappen,\"hesays;\"supposetheGuv’nordies,orgoesmad,orbankrupt,Imaybegladevenofthisbiscuit;I’llputitunderthedoor-mat——no,Iwon’t,somebodywillfinditthere。I’llscratchaholeinthetennislawn,andburyitthere。That’sagoodidea;perhapsit’llgrow!\"OnceIcaughthimhidingitinmystudy,behindtheshelfdevotedtomyownbooks。Itoffendedme,hisdoingthat;theargumentwassopalpable。
Generally,whereverhehidesitsomebodyfindsit。Wefinditunderourpillows——insideourboots;noplaceseemssafe。Thistimehehadsaidtohimself——\"ByJove!awholerowoftheGuv’nor’sbooks。
Nobodywilleverwanttotaketheseout;I’llhideithere。\"Onefeelsathinglikethatfromone’sowndog。
ButTheO’Shannon’sbiscuitwasanothermatter。Honestyisthebestpolicy;butdishonestyisthebetterfun。Hemadeadashforit,andcommencedtodevouritgreedily;youmighthavethoughthehadnottastedfoodforaweek。
TheindignationofTheO’Shannonwasasightforthegods。Hehasthegood-natureofhisrace:hadSmithaskedhimforthebiscuithewouldprobablyhavegivenittohim;itwastheinsult——theimmoralityoftheproceeding,thatmaddenedTheO’Shannon。
Foramomenthewasparalyzed。
\"Well,ofallthe——Didyeseethatnow?\"hesaidtomewithhiseyes。ThenhemadearushandsnatchedthebiscuitoutofSmith’sveryjaws。\"YeonprincipledblackSaxonthief,\"growledTheO’Shannon;\"howdareyetakemybiscuit?\"
\"YoumiserableIrishcur,\"growledSmith;\"howwasItoknowitwasyourbiscuit?Doeseverythingonthefloorbelongtoyou?PerhapsyouthinkIbelongtoyou,I’monthefloor。Idon’tbelieveitisyourbiscuit,youlong-eared,snubbed-nosedbog-trotter;giveitmeback。\"
\"Idon’trequireanyofyourargument,youflop-earedsonofatrampwithhalfatail,\"repliedTheO’Shannon。\"Youcomeandtakeit,ifyouthinkyouaredogenough。\"
Hedidthinkhewasdogenough。HeishalfthesizeofTheO’Shannon,butsuchconsiderationsweighnotwithhim。Hisargumentis,ifadogistoobigforyoutofightthewholeofhim,takeabitofhimandfightthat。Hegenerallygetslicked,butwhatisleftofhiminvariablyswaggersaboutafterwardsundertheimpressionitisthevictor。Whenheisdead,hewillsaytohimself,ashesettleshimselfinhisgrave——\"Well,IflattermyselfI’velaidoutthatoldworldatlast。Itwon’ttroubleMEanymore,I’mthinking。\"
Onthisoccasion,_I_tookahandinthefight。ItbecomesnecessaryatintervalstoremindMasterSmiththattheman,astheusefulandfaithfulfriendofdog,hashisrights。Ideemedsuchintervalhadarrived。Heflunghimselfontothesofa,muttering。
Itsoundedlike——\"WishI’dnevergotupthismorning。Nobodyunderstandsme。\"
Nothing,however,sobershimforlong。Half-an-hourlater,hewaskillingthenext-doorcat。Hewillneverlearnsense;hehasbeenkillingthatcatforthelastthreemonths。Whythenextmorninghisnoseisinvariablytwiceitsnaturalsize,whileforthenextweekhecanseeobjectsononesideofhisheadonly,heneverseemstograsp;Isupposeheattributesittochangeintheweather。
Heendeduptheafternoonwithwhathenodoubtregardedasacompleteandsatisfyingsuccess。Dorotheahadinvitedaladytotaketeawithherthatday。Iheardthesoundoflaughter,and,beingnearthenursery,Ilookedintoseewhatwasthejoke。Smithwasworryingadoll。Ihaverarelyseenamoreworried-lookingdoll。Itsheadwasoff,anditssawduststrewedthefloor。Boththechildrenwerecrowingwithdelight;Dorothea,inparticular,wasinanecstasyofamusement。
\"Whosedollisit?\"Iasked。
\"Eva’s,\"answeredDorothea,betweenherpealsoflaughter。
\"Ohno,itisn’t,\"explainedEva,inatoneofsweetcontent;
\"here’smydoll。\"Shehadbeensittingonit,andnowdrewitforth,warmbutwhole。\"That’sDorry’sdoll。\"
ThechangefromjoytogriefonthepartofDorotheawasdistinctlydramatic。EvenSmith,accustomedtostorm,wasnonplussedatthesuddennessoftheattackuponhim。
Dorothea’ssorrowlastedlongerthanIhadexpected。Ipromisedheranotherdoll。Butitseemedshedidnotwantanother;thatwastheonlydollshewouldevercareforsolongaslifelasted;nootherdollcouldevertakeitsplace;nootherdollwouldbetoherwhatthatdollhadbeen。Theselittlepeoplearesoabsurd:asifitcouldmatterwhetheryoulovedonedolloranother,whenallaresomuchalike!Theyhavecurlyhair,andpink-and-whitecomplexions,bigeyesthatopenandshut,alittleredmouth,twolittlehands。
Yetthesefoolishlittlepeople!theywillloveone,whileanothertheywillnotlookupon。Ifindthebestplanisnottoreasonwiththem,buttosympathize。Lateron——butnottoosoon——introducetothemanotherdoll。Theywillnotcareforitatfirst,butintimetheywillcometotakeaninterestinit。Ofcourse,itcannotmakethemforgetthefirstdoll;nodolleverborninLowtherArcadiacouldbeasthat,butstill——Itismanyweeksbeforetheyforgetentirelythefirstlove。
WeburiedDollyinthecountryundertheyewtree。Afriendofminewhoplaysthefiddlecamedownonpurposetoassist。Weburiedherinthehotspringsunshine,whilethebirdsfromshadynookssangjoyouslyoflifeandlove。Andourchiefmournercriedrealtears,justforalltheworldasthoughitwerenotthefateofdolls,soonerorlater,togetbroken——thelittlefragilethings,madeforanhour,tobedressedandkissed;then,paintlessandstript,tobethrownasideonthenurseryfloor。Poorlittledolls!Iwonderdotheytakethemselvesseriously,notknowingthespringsthatstirtheirsawdustbosomsarebutclockwork,notseeingthewirestowhichtheydance?Poorlittlemarionettes!dotheytalktogether,I
wonder,whenthelightsoftheboothareout?
You,littlesisterdoll,weretheheroine。Youlivedinthewhite-washedcottage,allhoneysuckleandclematiswithout——earwiggyanddampwithin,maybe。Howprettyyoualwayslookedinyoursimple,neatly-fittingprintdress。Howgoodyouwere!Hownoblyyouboreyourpoverty。Howpatientyouwereunderyourmanywrongs。
Youneverharbouredanevilthought,arevengefulwish——never,littledoll?Weretherenevermomentswhenyoulongedtoplaythewickedwoman’spart,liveinaroomwithmanydoors,be-cladinfursandjewels,withloversgaloreatyourfeet?Inthoselongwinterevenings?thehouseholdworkisdone——thegreasydisheswashed,thefloorscrubbed;theexcellentchildisasleepinthecorner;theone-and-elevenpennylampshedsitsdismallightonthedarnedtable-cloth;yousit,busyatyourcoarsesewing,waitingforHeroDick,knowing——guessing,atleast,whereheis——!Yes,dear,I
rememberyourfinespeeches,whenyoutoldher,instirringlanguagethegallerycheeredtotheecho,whatyouthoughtofherandofsuchwomenasshe;when,liftingyourhandtoheaven,youdeclaredyouwerehappierinyourattic,workingyourfingerstothebone,thansheinhergildedsalon——Ithink\"gildedsalon\"wastheterm,wasitnot?——furnishedbysin。Butspeakingofyourself,weaklittlesisterdoll,notofyourfinespeeches,thegallerylistening,didyounot,inyoursecretheart,envyher?Didyounever,beforeblowingouttheonecandle,standforaminuteinfrontofthecrackedglass,andthinktoyourselfthatyou,too,wouldlookwellinlow-cutdressesfromParis,thediamondsflashingonyourwhitesmoothskin?Didyounever,toilinghomethroughthemud,bearingyourbundleofneedlework,feelbitterwiththewagesofvirtue,asshesplashedyou,passingbyinhercarriage?Alone,overyourcupofweaktea,didyouneverfeeltemptedtopaythepriceforchampagnesuppers,andgaiety,andadmiration?Ah,yes,itiseasyforfolkswhohavehadtheirgoodtime,topreparecopybooksforwearylittleinkstainedfingers,longingforplay。Thefinemaximssoundsuchcantwhenweareinthatmood,dotheynot?You,too,wereyoungandhandsome:didtheauthoroftheplaythinkyouwereneverhungryforthegoodthingsoflife?Didhethinkthatreadingtractstocrotchetyoldwomenwasjoytoafull-bloodedgirlinhertwenties?WhyshouldSHEhaveallthelove,andallthelaughter?
Howfortunatethatthevillain,theWickedBaronet,neveropenedthecottagedooratthatmoment,eh,dear!Healwayscamewhenyouwerestrong,whenyoufeltthatyoucoulddenouncehim,andscornhistemptations。Wouldthatthevillaincametoallofusatsuchtime;
thenwewouldall,perhaps,beheroesandheroines。
Ahwell,itwasonlyaplay:itisovernow。YouandI,littletireddolls,lyingheresidebyside,waitingtoknowournextpart,wecanlookbackandlaugh。Whereisshe,thiswickeddolly,thatmadesuchastironourtinystage?Ah,hereyouare,Madam;I
thoughtyoucouldnotbefar;theyhavethrownusallintothiscornertogether。Buthowchangedyouare,Dolly:yourpaintrubbedoff,yourgoldenhairworntoawisp。Nowonder;itwasatryingpartyouhadtoplay。Howtiredyoumusthavegrownoftheglareandtheglitter!Andevenhopewasdeniedyou。Thepeaceyousolongedforyouknewyouhadlostthepowertoenjoy。Likethegirlbewitchedinthefairytale,youknewyoumustdanceeverfasterandfaster,withlimbsgrowingpalsied,withfacegrowingashen,andhairgrowinggrey,tillDeathshouldcometoreleaseyou;andyouronlyprayerwashemightcomeereyourdancinggrewcomic。
LikethesmelloftherosestoNancy,hawkingthemthroughthehotstreets,mustthestiflingatmosphereoflovehavebeentoyou。Thesongofpassion,howmonotonousinyourears,sungnowbytheyoungandnowbytheold;nowshouted,nowwhined,nowshrieked;butevertheonestridenttune。Doyourememberwhenfirstyouheardit?
YoudreamtitthemorninghymnofHeaven。YoucametothinkitthedancemusicofHell,groundfromacrackedhurdy-gurdy,lentoutbytheDevilonhire。
Anevilracewemusthaveseemedtoyou,DollyFaustine,astosomeOldBaileylawyer。Yousawbutonesideofus。Youlivedinaworldupsidedown,wheretheleavesandtheblossomswerehidden,andonlytherootssawyourday。Youimaginedtheworm-beslimedfibrestheplant,andallthingsbeautifulyoudeemedcant。
Chivalry,love,honour!howyoulaughedatthelyingwords。Youknewthetruth——asyouthought:aye,halfthetruth。Wewereswinewhileyourspellwasuponus,DaughterofCirce,andyou,notknowingyourislandsecret,deemeditournaturalshape。
Nowonder,Dolly,yourbatteredwaxenfaceisstampedwithanangrysneer。TheHero,whoeventuallycameintohisestatesamidtheplauditsofthePit,whileyouwerelefttodieinthestreets!youremembered,butthehousehadforgottenthoseearlierscenesinalwayswickedParis。Thegoodfriendofthefamily,thebreezymanoftheworld,theDeusexMachinaoftheplay,whowassogoodtoeverybody,whomeverybodyloved!aye,YOUlovedhimonce——butthatwasinthePrologue。InthePlayproper,hewasrespectable。(Howyouloathedthatword,thatmeanttoyouallyouvainlylongedfor!)
TohimtheProloguewasaperiodpastanddead;amemory,givingflavourtohislife。Toyou,itwastheFirstActofthePlay,shapingalltheothers。Hissinsthehousehadforgotten:atyours,theyhelduptheirhandsinhorror。Nowonderthesneerliesonyourwaxenlips。
Nevermind,Dolly;itwasastupidhouse。Nexttime,perhaps,youwillplayabetterpart;andthentheywillcheer,insteadofhissingyou。Youwerewasted,Iaminclinedtothink,onmoderncomedy。Youshouldhavebeencastfortheheroineofsomeold-worldtragedy。Thestrengthofcharacter,thecourage,thepowerofself-forgetfulness,theenthusiasmwereyours:itwasthepartthatwaslacking。YoumighthavewornthemantleofaJudith,aBoadicea,oraJeanned’Arc,hadsuchplaysbeenpopularinyourtime。Perhapsthey,hadtheyplayedinyourday,mighthavehadtobecontentwithsuchapartasyours。Theycouldnothaveplayedthemeekheroine,andwhatelsewouldtherehavebeenfortheminmoderndrama?CatherineofRussia!hadshebeenawaiter’sdaughterinthedaysoftheSecondEmpire,shouldwehavecalledherGreat?
TheMagdalene!hadherlodginginthosedaysbeeninsomebye-streetofRomeinsteadofinJerusalem,shouldwementionhernameinourchurches?
Youwerenecessary,yousee,Dolly,tothepiece。Wecannotallplayheroesandheroines。Theremustbewickedpeopleintheplay,oritwouldnotinterest。Thinkofit,Dolly,aplaywhereallthewomenwerevirtuous,allthemenhonest!Wemightclosethebooth;
theworldwouldbeasdullasanoyster-bed。Withoutyouwickedfolktherewouldbenogood。Howshouldwehaveknownandhonouredtheheroine’sworth,butbycontrastwithyourworthlessness?Wherewouldhavebeenherfinespeeches,butforyoutolistentothem?
Wherelaythehero’sstrength,butinresistingtemptationofyou?
HadnotyouandtheWickedBaronetbetweenyourobbedhimofhisestates,falselyaccusedhimofcrime,hewouldhavelivedtotheendoftheplayanidle,unheroic,incompleteexistence。Youbroughthimdowntopoverty;youmadehimearnhisownbread——amostexcellentthingforhim;gavehimtheopportunitytoplaytheman。
ButforyourconductinthePrologue,ofwhatvaluewouldhavebeenthatfinesceneattheendoftheThirdAct,thatstirredthehousetotearsandlaughter?Youandyouraccomplice,theWickedBaronet,madetheplaypossible。HowwouldPitandGalleryhaveknowntheywerevirtuous,butfortheindignationthatcametothem,watchingyourmisdeeds?Pity,sympathy,excitement,allthatgoestothemakingofaplay,youwerenecessaryfor。Itwasungratefulofthehousetohissyou。
Andyou,Mr。Merryman,thepaintedgrinwornfromyourpalelips,youtooweredissatisfied,ifIrememberrightly,withyourpart。
Youwantedtomakethepeoplecry,notlaugh。Wasitahigherambition?Thepoortiredpeople!somuchhappensintheirlifetomakethemweep,isitnotgoodsporttomakethemmerryforawhile?
DoyourememberthatoldsoulinthefrontrowofthePit?Howshelaughedwhenyousatdownonthepie!Ithoughtshewouldhavetobecarriedout。Iheardhertalkingtohercompanionastheypassedthestage-doorontheirwayhome。\"Ihavenotlaughed,mydear,tillto-night,\"shewassaying,thegood,gaytearsstillinhereyes,\"sincethedaypoorSallydied。\"Wasnotthataloneworththeoldstaletricksyousohated?Aye,theywerecommonplaceandconventional,thoseanticsofyoursthatmadeuslaugh;arenottheanticsthatmakeusweepcommonplaceandconventionalalso?Arenotalltheplays,playedsincetheboothwasopened,butofonepattern,theplotold-fashionednow,thescenesnowcommonplace?
Hero,villain,cynic——aretheirpartssomuchthefresher?Theloveduets,aretheysoverynew?Thedeath-bedscenes,wouldyoucallthemUNcommonplace?Hate,andEvil,andWrong——areTHEIRvoicesnewtothebooth?Whatareyouwaitingfor,people?aplaywithaplotthatisnovel,withcharactersthathaveneverstruttedbefore?Itwillbereadyforyou,perhaps,whenyouarereadyforit,withnewtearsandnewlaughter。
You,Mr。Merryman,werethetruephilosopher。Yousavedusfromforgettingtherealitywhenthefictiongrewsomewhatstrenuous。
Howweallapplaudedyourgaginanswertothehero,when,bewailinghissadfate,hedemandedofHeavenhowmuchlongerhewastosufferevilfortune。\"Well,therecannotbemuchmoreofitinstoreforyou,\"youansweredhim;\"it’snearlynineo’clockalready,andtheshowclosesatten。\"Andtruetoyourprophecythecurtainfellatthetimeappointed,andhistroubleswereofthepast。Youshowedusthetruthbehindthemask。WhenpompousLordShallow,inermineandwig,wenttotakehisseatamidthefawningcrowd,youpulledthechairfromunderhim,anddownhesatplumponthefloor。Hisrobeflewopen,hiswigflewoff。Nolongerheawedus。Hisapeddignityfellfromhim;wesawhimastupid-eyed,baldlittleman;heimposednolongeruponus。Itisyourfoolwhoistheonlytruewiseman。
Yourswasthebestpartintheplay,BrotherMerryman,hadyouandtheaudiencebutknownit。Butyoudreamtofashowierpart,whereyoulovedandfought。Ihaveheardyounowandagain,whenyoudidnotknowIwasnear,shoutingwithswordinhandbeforeyourlooking-glass。Youhadthrownyourmotleyasidetodonadingyredcoat;youweretheherooftheplay,youperformedthegallantdeeds,youmadethenoblespeeches。Iwonderwhattheplaywouldbelike,werewealltowriteourownparts。Therewouldbenoclowns,nosingingchambermaids。Wewouldallbeplayingleadinthecentreofthestage,withthelime-lightexclusivelydevotedtoourselves。
Woulditnotbeso?
Whatgrandactingpartstheyare,thesecharacterswewriteforourselvesaloneinourdressing-rooms。Wearealwaysbraveandnoble——wickedsometimes,butifso,inagreat,high-mindedway;
neverinameanorlittleway。Whatwondrousdeedswedo,whilethehouselooksonandmarvels。Nowwearesoldiers,leadingarmiestovictory。Whatifwedie:itisinthehouroftriumph,andanationislefttomourn。Notinsomeforgottenskirmishdoweeverfall;notforsome\"affairofoutposts\"dowegiveourblood,ourverynameunmentionedinthedispatcheshome。Nowwearepassionatelovers,welllosingaworldforlove——averydifferentthingtobeingalaughter-provokingco-respondentinasordiddivorcecase。
Andthehouseisalwayscrowdedwhenweplay。Ourfinespeechesalwaysfallonsympatheticears,ourbravedeedsarenotedandapplauded。Itissodifferentintherealperformance。Sooftenweplayourpartstoemptybenches,orifathinhousebepresent,theymisunderstand,andlaughatthepatheticpassages。Andwhenourfinestopportunitycomes,theroyalbox,inwhichHEorSHEshouldbepresenttowatchus,isvacant。
Poorlittledolls,howseriouslywetakeourselves,notknowingthespringsthatstirourbosomsarebutclockwork,notseeingthewirestowhichwedance。Poorlittlemarionettes,shallwetalktogether,Iwonder,whenthelightsoftheboothareout?
Wearelittlewaxdollieswithhearts。Wearelittletinsoldierswithsouls。Oh,Kingofmanytoys,areyoumerelyplayingwithus?
ISitonlyclockworkwithinus,thisthingthatthrobsandaches?
Haveyouwoundusupbuttoletusrundown?Willyouwindusagainto-morrow,orleaveusheretorust?ISitonlyclockworktowhichwerespondandquiver?Nowwelaugh,nowwecry,nowwedance;ourlittlearmsgoouttoclasponeanother,ourlittlelipskiss,thensaygood-bye。Westrive,andwestrain,andwestruggle。Wereachnowforgold,nowforlaurel。Wecallitdesireandambition:aretheyonlywiresthatyouplay?Willyouthrowtheclockworkaside,oruseitagain,OMaster?
Thelightsoftheboothgrowdim。Thespringsarebrokenthatkeptoureyesawake。Thewirethathelduserectissnapped,andhelplesswefallinaheaponthestage。Oh,brotherandsisterdolliesweplayedbeside,whereareyou?Whyisitsodarkandsilent?Whyarewebeingputintothisblackbox?Andhark!thelittledollorchestra——howfarawaythemusicsounds!whatisittheyareplaying:——
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