\"Oh,didyou?Youthoughtthatagoodidea。AnA1prizeidiotI
seemtohavemarried,Ido。You’vebeengonetwentyminutes,andyoubringmebackaneight-corneredpieceofbrokenglass,whichyouthinkwemight’workinto’thenest。You’dliketoseemesittingonitforamonth,youwould。Youthinkitwouldmakeanicebedforthechildrentolieon。Youdon’tthinkyoucouldmanagetofindapacketofmixedpinsifyouwentdownagain,Isuppose。
They’dlookpretty’workedin’somewhere,don’tyouthink?——Here,getoutofmyway。I’llfinishthisnestbymyself。\"Shealwayshadbeenshortwithhim。
Shecaughtuptheoffendingobject——itwasafairlyheavylumpofglass——andflungitoutofthetreewithallherforce。Ihearditcrashthroughthecucumberframe。Thatmakestheseventhpaneofglassbrokeninthatcucumberframethisweek。Thecoupleinthebranchabovearetheworst。Theirplanofbuildingisthemostextravagant,themostabsurdIeverheardof。Theyhoistuptentimesasmuchmaterialastheycanpossiblyuse;youmightthinktheyweregoingtobuildablock,andletitoutinflatstotheotherrooks。Thenwhattheydon’twanttheyflingdownagain。
Supposewebuiltonsuchaprinciple?SupposeahumanhusbandandwifeweretostarterectingtheirhouseinPiccadillyCircus,letussay;andsupposethemanspentallthedaysteadilycarryingbricksuptheladderwhilehiswifelaidthem,neveraskingherhowmanyshewanted,whethershedidn’tthinkhehadbroughtupsufficient,butjustaccumulatingbricksinasenselessfashion,bringingupeverybrickhecouldfind。Andthensuppose,wheneveningcame,andlookinground,theyfoundtheyhadsometwentycart-loadsofbrickslyingunuseduponthescaffold,theyweretocommenceflingingthemdownintoWaterlooPlace。Theywouldgetthemselvesintotrouble;
somebodywouldbesuretospeaktothemaboutit。Yetthatispreciselywhatthosebirdsdo,andnobodysaysawordtothem。TheyaresupposedtohaveaPresident。Helivesbyhimselfintheyewtreeoutsidethemorning-roomwindow。WhatIwanttoknowiswhatheissupposedtobegoodfor。ThisisthesortofthingIwanthimtolookinto。Iwouldlikehimtobewormingunderneathoneeveningwhenthosetwobirdsaretidyingup:perhapshewoulddosomethingthen。IhavedoneallIcan。Ihavethrownstonesatthem,that,inthecourseofnature,havereturnedtoearthagain,breakingmoreglass。Ihaveblazedatthemwitharevolver;buttheyhavecometoregardthisproceedingasamereexpressionoflight-heartednessonmypart,possiblyconfusingmewiththeAraboftheDesert,who,I
amgiventounderstand,expresseshimselfthusinmomentsofdeepemotion。Theymerelyretiretoasafedistancetowatchme;nodoubtregardingmeasapoorperformer,inasmuchasIdonotalsodanceandshoutbetweeneachshot。Ihavenoobjectiontotheirbuildingthere,iftheyonlywouldbuildsensibly。Iwantsomebodytospeaktothemtowhomtheywillpayattention。
Youcanhearthemintheevening,discussingthematterofthissurplusstock。
\"Don’tyouworkanymore,\"hesays,ashecomesupwiththelastload,\"you’lltireyourself。\"
\"Well,Iamfeelingabitdoneup,\"sheanswers,asshehopsoutofthenestandstraightensherback。
\"You’reabitpeckish,too,Iexpect,\"headdssympathetically。\"I
knowIam。Wewillhaveascratchdown,andbeoff。\"
\"Whataboutallthisstuff?\"sheasks,whiletitivatingherself;
\"we’dbetternotleaveitabout,itlookssountidy。\"
\"Oh,we’llsoongetridofthat,\"heanswers。\"I’llhavethatdowninajiffy。\"
Tohelphim,sheseizesastickandisabouttodropit。Hedartsforwardandsnatchesitfromher。
\"Don’tyouwastethatone,\"hecries,\"that’sarareone,thatis。
Youseemehittheoldmanwithit。\"
Andhedoes。Whatthegardenersays,Iwillleaveyoutoimagine。
Judgedfromitsstructure,therookfamilyissupposedtocomenextinintelligencetomanhimself。JudgingfromtheintelligencedisplayedbymembersofcertainhumanfamilieswithwhomIhavecomeincontact,Icanquitebelieveit。ThatrookstalkIampositive。
Noonecanspendhalf-an-hourwatchingarookerywithoutbeingconvincedofthis。Whetherthetalkbealwayswiseandwitty,Iamnotpreparedtomaintain;butthatthereisagooddealofitiscertain。AyoungFrenchgentlemanofmyacquaintance,whovisitedEnglandtostudythelanguage,toldmethattheimpressionmadeuponhimbyhisfirstsocialeveninginLondonwasthatofaparrot-house。Lateron,whenhecametocomprehend,he,ofcourse,recognizedthebrilliancyanddepthoftheaverageLondondrawing-roomtalk;butthatishow,notcomprehending,itimpressedhimatfirst。Listeningtotheriotofarookeryismuchthesameexperience。Theconversationtoussoundsmeaningless;therooksthemselveswouldprobablydescribeitassparkling。
ThereisaMisanthropeIknowwhohardlyevergoesintoSociety。I
arguedthequestionwithhimoneday。\"WhyshouldI?\"hereplied;
\"Iknow,say,adozenmenandwomenwithwhomintercourseisapleasure;theyhaveideasoftheirownwhichtheyarenotafraidtovoice。Torubbrainswithsuchisarareandgoodlything,andI
thankHeavenfortheirfriendship;buttheyaresufficientformyleisure。WhatmoredoIrequire?Whatisthis’Society’ofwhichyouallmakesomuchado?Ihavesampledit,andIfinditunsatisfying。Analyzeitintoitselements,whatisit?SomepersonIknowveryslightly,whoknowsmeveryslightly,asksmetowhatyoucallan’AtHome。’Theeveningcomes,Ihavedonemyday’sworkandIhavedined。Ihavebeentoatheatreorconcert,orI
havespentapleasanthourorsowithafriend。Iammoreinclinedforbedthananythingelse,butIpullmyselftogether,dress,anddrivetothehouse。WhileIamtakingoffmyhatandcoatinthehall,amanentersImetafewhoursagoattheClub。HeisamanI
haveverylittleopinionof,andhe,probably,takesasimilarviewofme。Ourmindshavenothoughtincommon,butasitisnecessarytotalk,Itellhimitisawarmevening。Perhapsitisawarmevening,perhapsitisn’t;ineithercaseheagreeswithme。IaskhimifheisgoingtoAscot。IdonotcareastrawwhetherheisgoingtoAscotornot。Hesaysheisnotquitesure,butasksmewhatchancePassionFlowerhasfortheThousandGuineas。Iknowhedoesn’tvaluemyopiniononthesubjectatabrassfarthing——hewouldbeafoolifhedid,butIcudgelmybrainstoreplytohim,asthoughheweregoingtostakehisshirtonmyadvice。Wereachthefirstfloor,andaremutuallygladtogetridofoneanother。I
catchmyhostess’eye。Shelookstiredandworried;shewouldbehappierinbed,onlyshedoesn’tknowit。Shesmilessweetly,butitisclearshehasnottheslightestideawhoIam,andiswaitingtocatchmynamefromthebutler。Iwhisperittohim。Perhapshewillgetitright,perhapshewon’t;itisquiteimmaterial。Theyhaveaskedtwohundredandfortyguests,someseventy-fiveofwhomtheyknowbysight,fortherest,anychancepasser-by,able,asthetheatricaladvertisementssay,’todressandbehaveasagentleman,’
woulddoeverybitaswell。Indeed,Isometimeswonderwhypeoplegotothetroubleandexpenseofinvitationcardsatall。A
sandwich-manoutsidethedoorwouldanswerthepurpose。’LadyTompkins,AtHome,thisafternoonfromthreetoseven;TeaandMusic。LadiesandGentlemenadmittedonpresentationofvisitingcard。Afternoondressindispensable。’Thecrowdisthethingwanted;asfortheitems,well,tellme,whatisthedifference,fromtheSocietypointofview,betweenonemaninablackfrock-coatandanother?
\"IrememberbeingonceinvitedtoapartyatahouseinLancasterGate。Ihadmetthewomanatapicnic。InthesamegreenfrockandparasolImighthaverecognizedherthenexttimeIsawher。InanyotherclothesIdidnotexpectto。Mycabmantookmetothehouseopposite,wheretheywerealsogivingaparty。Itmadenodifferencetoanyofus。Thehostess——Ineverlearnthername——saiditwasverygoodofmetocome,andthenshuntedmeoffontoaColonialPremier(Ididnotcatchhisname,andhedidnotcatchmine,whichwasnotextraordinary,seeingthatmyhostessdidnotknowit)who,shewhisperedtome,hadcomeover,fromwhereveritwas(shedidnotseemtobeverysure)principallytomakemyacquaintance。Halfthroughtheevening,andbyaccident,I
discoveredmymistake,butjudgedittoolatetosayanythingthen。
ImetacoupleofpeopleIknew,hadalittlesupperwiththem,andcameaway。ThenextafternoonImetmyrighthostess——theladywhoshouldhavebeenmyhostess。Shethankedmeeffusivelyforhavingsacrificedthepreviouseveningtoherandherfriends;shesaidsheknewhowseldomIwentout:thatmadeherfeelmykindnessallthemore。ShetoldmethattheBrazilianMinister’swifehadtoldherthatIwasthecleverestmanshehadevermet。IoftenthinkI
shouldliketomeetthatman,whoeverhemaybe,andthankhim。
\"Butperhapsthebutlerdoespronouncemynamerightly,andperhapsmyhostessactuallydoesrecognizeme。Shesmiles,andsaysshewassoafraidIwasnotcoming。Sheimpliesthatalltheotherguestsarebutasafeatherinherscalesofjoycomparedwithmyself。I
smileinreturn,wonderingtomyselfhowIlookwhenIdosmile。I
haveneverhadthecouragetofacemyownsmileinthelooking-glass。InoticetheSocietysmileofothermen,anditisnotreassuring。Imurmursomethingaboutmynothavingbeenlikelytoforgetthisevening;inmyturn,seekingtoimplythatIhavebeenlookingforwardtoitforweeks。Afewmenshineatthissortofthing,buttheyareasmallpercentage,andwithoutconceitI
regardmyselfasnobiggerafoolthantheaveragemale。Notknowingwhatelsetosay,Itellheralsothatitisawarmevening。
Shesmilesarchlyasthoughthereweresomehiddenwitticismintheremark,andIdriftaway,feelingashamedofmyself。TotalkasanidiotwhenyouAREanidiotbringsnodiscomfort;tobehaveasanidiotwhenyouhavesufficientsensetoknowit,ispainful。Ihidemyselfinthecrowd,andperhapsI’llmeetawomanIwasintroducedtothreeweeksagoatapicturegallery。Wedon’tknoweachother’snames,but,bothofusfeelinglonesome,weconverse,asitiscalled。Ifshebetheordinarytypeofwoman,sheasksmeifIamgoingontotheJohnsons’。Itellherno。Westandsilentforamoment,boththinkingwhatnexttosay。SheasksmeifIwasattheThompsons’thedaybeforeyesterday。Iagaintellherno。IbegintofeeldissatisfiedwithmyselfthatIwasnotattheThompsons’。
Tryingtogetevenwithher,IaskherifsheisgoingtotheBrowns’nextMonday。(TherearenoBrowns,shewillhavetosay,No。)Sheisnot,andhertonesuggeststhatasocialstigmarestsupontheBrowns。IaskherifshehasbeentoBarnum’sCircus;shehasn’t,butisgoing。IgivehermyimpressionsofBarnum’sCircus,whicharepreciselytheimpressionsofeverybodyelsewhohasseentheshow。
\"Orifluckbeagainstme,sheispossiblyasmartwoman,thatistosay,herconversationisarunningfireofspitefulremarksattheexpenseofeveryonesheknows,andofsneersattheexpenseofeveryoneshedoesn’t。IalwaysfeelIcouldmakeabetterwomanmyself,outofabottleofvinegarandapenn’orthofmixedpins。
Yetitusuallytakesoneabouttenminutestogetawayfromher。
\"Evenwhen,bychance,onemeetsaflesh-and-bloodmanorwomanatsuchgatherings,itisnotthetimeorplaceforrealconversation;
andasfortheshadows,whatpersonintheirsenseswouldexhaustasinglebraincelluponsuch?IrememberadiscussiononceconcerningTennyson,consideredasasocialitem。Thedullestandmostdensely-stupidboreIevercameacrosswastellinghowhehadsatnexttoTennysonatdinner。’Ifoundhimamostuninterestingman,’soheconfidedtous;’hehadnothingtosayforhimself——
absolutelynothing。’IshouldliketoresuscitateDr。SamuelJohnsonforanevening,andthrowhimintooneofthese’AtHomes’
ofyours。\"
Myfriendisanadmittedmisanthrope,asIhaveexplained;butonecannotdismisshimasaltogetherunjust。ThatthereisacertainmysteryaboutSociety’scravingforSocietymustbeadmitted。I
stoodoneeveningtryingtoforcemywayintothesupperroomofahouseinBerkeleySquare。Alady,hotandweary,afewyardsinfrontofmewasstrugglingtothesamegoal。
\"Why,\"remarkedshetohercompanion,\"whydowecometotheseplaces,andfightlikeaBankHolidaycrowdforeighteenpenny-worthoffood?\"
\"Wecomehere,\"repliedtheman,whomIjudgedtobeaphilosopher,\"tosaywe’vebeenhere。\"
ImetA————-theotherevening,andaskedhimtodinewithmeonMonday。Idon’tknowwhyIaskA————-todinewithme,butaboutonceamonthIdo。Heisanuninterestingman。
\"Ican’t,\"hesaid,\"I’vegottogototheB————-s’;confoundednuisance,itwillbeinfernallydull。\"
\"Whygo?\"Iasked。
\"Ireallydon’tknow,\"hereplied。
AlittlelaterB————-metme,andaskedmetodinewithhimonMonday。
\"Ican’t,\"Ianswered,\"somefriendsarecomingtousthatevening。
It’sadutydinner,youknowthesortofthing。\"
\"Iwishyoucouldhavemanagedit,\"hesaid,\"Ishallhavenoonetotalkto。TheA————-sarecoming,andtheyboremetodeath。\"
\"Whydoyouaskhim?\"Isuggested。
\"Uponmyword,Ireallydon’tknow,\"hereplied。
Buttoreturntoourrooks。Wewerespeakingoftheirsocialinstincts。Somedozenofthem——the\"scallywags\"andbachelorsofthecommunity,Ijudgethemtobe——havestartedaClub。ForamonthpastIhavebeentryingtounderstandwhattheaffairwas。NowI
know:itisaClub。
AndfortheirClubHousetheyhavechosen,ofcourse,thetreenearestmybedroomwindow。Icanguesshowthatcameabout;itwasmyownfault,Ineverthoughtofit。Abouttwomonthsago,asinglerook——sufferingfromindigestionoranunhappymarriage,Iknownot——
chosethistreeonenightforpurposesofreflection。Hewokemeup:Ifeltangry。Iopenedthewindow,andthrewanemptysoda-waterbottleathim。Ofcourseitdidnothithim,andfindingnothingelsetothrow,Ishoutedathim,thinkingtofrightenhimaway。Hetooknonotice,butwentontalkingtohimself。Ishoutedlouder,andwokeupmyowndog。Thedogbarkedfuriously,andwokeupmostthingswithinaquarterofamile。Ihadtogodownwithaboot-jack——theonlythingIcouldfindhandy——tosoothethedog。
TwohourslaterIfellasleepfromexhaustion。Ilefttherookstillcawing。
Thenextnighthecameagain。Ishouldsayhewasabirdwithasenseofhumour。Thinkingthismighthappen,Ihad,however,takentheprecautiontohaveafewstonesready。Iopenedthewindowwide,andfiredthemoneafteranotherintothetree。AfterIhadclosedthewindow,hehoppeddownnearer,andcawedlouderthanever。Ithinkhewantedmetothrowmorestonesathim:heappearedtoregardthewholeproceedingasagame。Onthethirdnight,asIheardnothingofhim,Iflatteredmyselfthat,inspiteofhisbravado,Ihaddiscouragedhim。Imighthaveknownrooksbetter。
WhathappenedwhentheClubwasbeingformed,Itakeit,wasthis:
\"WhereshallwefixuponforourClubHouse?\"saidthesecretary,allotherpointshavingbeendisposedof。Onesuggestedthistree,anothersuggestedthat。Thenupspokethisparticularrook:
\"I’lltellyouwhere,\"saidhe,\"intheyewtreeoppositetheporch。
AndI’lltellyouforwhy。Justaboutanhourbeforedawnamancomestothewindowovertheporch,dressedinthemostcomicalcostumeyoueverseteyesupon。I’lltellyouwhatheremindsmeof——thoselittlestatuesthatmenusefordecoratingfields。Heopensthewindow,andthrowsalotofthingsoutuponthelawn,andthenhedancesandsings。It’sawfullyinteresting,andyoucanseeitallfromtheyewtree。\"
That,Iamconvinced,ishowtheClubcametofixuponthetreenextmywindow。Ihavehadthesatisfactionofdenyingthemtheexhibitiontheyanticipated,andIcheermyselfwiththehopethattheyhavevisitedtheirdisappointmentupontheirmisleader。
ThereisadifferencebetweenRookClubsandours。Inourclubstherespectablemembersarriveearly,andleaveatareasonablehour;inRookClubs,itwouldappear,thisprincipleisreversed。TheMadHatterwouldhavelikedthisClub——itwouldhavebeenaclubafterhisownheart。Itopensathalf-pasttwointhemorning,andthefirsttoarrivearethemostdisreputablemembers。InRook-landtherowdy-dowdy,randy-dandy,rollicky-rankyboysgetupveryearlyinthemorningandgotobedintheafternoon。Towardsdawn,theolder,moreorderlymembersdropinforreasonabletalk,andtheClubbecomesmorerespectable。Thetreeclosesaboutsix。Forthefirsttwohours,however,thegoings-onaredisgraceful。Theproceedings,asoftenasnot,openwithafight。Ifnotwogentlemencanbefoundtoobligewithafight,thenextnoisiestthingtofallbackuponisheldtobeasong。Itisnosatisfactiontometobetoldthatrookscannotsing。_I_knowthat,withoutthetroubleofreferringtothenaturalhistorybook。Itistherookwhodoesnotknowit;HEthinkshecan;andasamatteroffact,hedoes。Youcancriticizehissinging,youcancallitwhatyoulike,butyoucan’tstopit——atleast,thatismyexperience。Thesongselectedissuretobeonewithachorus。Towardstheenditbecomesmainlychorus,unlessthesoloistbeanextrapowerfulbird,determinedtoinsistuponhisrights。
ThePresidentknowsnothingofthisClub。Hegetsuphimselfaboutseven——threehoursafteralltheothershavefinishedbreakfast——andthenfussesroundundertheimpressionthatheiswakingupthecolony,thefat-headedoldfool。HeisthepoorestthinginPresidentsIhaveeverheardof。ASouthAmericanRepublicwouldsupplyabetterarticle。Therooksthemselves,themarriedmajority,fathersoffamilies,respectablenestholders,areasindignantasIam。Ihearcomplaintsfromallquarters。
Reflectioncomestooneas,towardsthecloseofthesechillafternoonsinearlyspring,oneleansuponthepaddockgatewatchingthenoisybustlinginthebareelms。
Sotheearthisgrowinggreenagain,andloveiscomeagainuntotheheartsofusoldsober-coatedfellows。Oh,Madam,yourfeathersgleamwondrousblack,andyourbonniebrighteyestabsdeep。Come,sitbyourside,andwe’lltellyouatalesuchasrooknevertoldbefore。It’sthetaleofanestinatopmostbough,thatswaysinthegoodwestwind。It’sstrongwithout,butit’ssoftwithin,wherethelittlegreeneggsliesafe。Andtheresitsinthatnestaladysweet,andshecawswithjoy,for,afar,sheseestherookshelovesthebest。Oh,hehasbeeneast,andhehasbeenwest,andhiscropitisfullofwormsandslugs,andtheyareallforher。
Weareold,oldrooks,somanyofus。Thewhiteisminglingwiththepurpleblackuponourbreasts。Wehaveseenthesetallelmsgrowfromsaplings;wehaveseentheoldtreesfallanddie。Yeteachseasoncometousagaintheyoungthoughts。Sowemateandbuildandgatherthatagainourold,oldheartsmayquivertothethincryofournewborn。
MotherNaturehasbutonecare,thechildren。WetalkofLoveastheLordofLife:itisbuttheMinister。OurnovelsendwhereNature’stalebegins。Thedramathatourcurtainfallsupon,isbuttheprologuetoherplay。HowtheancientDamemustlaughasshelistenstotheprattleofherchildren。\"IsMarriageaFailure?\"
\"IsLifeworthLiving?\"\"TheNewWomanversustheOld。\"So,perhaps,thewavesoftheAtlanticdiscussvehementlywhethertheyshallfloweastorwest。
MotherhoodisthelawoftheUniverse。Thewholedutyofmanistobeamother。Welabour:towhatend?thechildren——thewomaninthehome,themaninthecommunity。Thenationtakesthoughtforitsfuture:why?Inafewyearsitsstatesmen,itssoldiers,itsmerchants,itstoilers,willbegathereduntotheirfathers。Whytroubleweourselvesaboutthefuture?Thecountrypoursitsbloodandtreasureintotheearththatthechildrenmayreap。FoolishJacquesBonhomie,hisaddledbrainfullofdreams,rusheswithbloodyhandstogivehisbloodforLiberty,Equality,Fraternity。
Hewillnotlivetosee,exceptinvision,thenewworldhegiveshisbonestobuild——evenhisspinningword-whippedheadknowsthat。
Butthechildren!theyshalllivesweeterlives。Thepeasantleaveshisfiresidetodieuponthebattle-field。Whatisittohim,agraininthehumansand,thatRussiashouldconquertheEast,thatGermanyshouldbeunited,thattheEnglishflagshouldwaveabovenewlands?theheritagehisfatherslefthimshallbegreaterforhissons。Patriotism!whatisitbutthemotherinstinctofapeople?
TakeitthatthedecreehasgoneforthfromHeaven:Thereshallbenomoregenerations,withthislifetheworldshalldie。Thinkyouweshouldmoveanotherhand?Theshipswouldrotintheharbours,thegrainwouldrotintheground。Shouldwepaintpictures,writebooks,makemusic?hemmedinbythatonwardcreepingseaofsilence。
Thinkyouwithwhateyeshusbandandwifewouldlookononeanother。
Thinkyouofthewooing——thespringofLovedriedup;loveonlyapoolofstagnantwater。
Howlittleweseemtorealizethisfoundationofourlife。Herein,ifnowhereelse,liesoureternity。ThisEgoshallneverdie——
unlessthehumanracefrombeginningtoendbebutapassingjestoftheGods,tobesweptasidewhenweariedof,leavingroomfornewexperiments。Thesefeaturesofmine——wewillnotdiscusstheiraestheticvalue——shallneverdisappear;modified,varied,butinessentialthesame,theyshallcontinueineverincreasingcirclestotheendofTime。Thistemperamentofmine——thisgoodandevilthatisinme,itshallgrowwitheveryage,spreadingeverwider,combining,amalgamating。Igointomychildrenandmychildren’schildren,Iameternal。Iamthey,theyareI。Thetreewithersandyoucleartheground,thankfulifoutofitsdeadlimbsyoucanmakegoodfirewood;butitsspirit,itslife,isinfiftysaplings。
Thetreediesnot,itchanges。
Thesemenandwomenthatpassmeinthestreet,thisonehurryingtohisoffice,thisonetohisclub,anothertohislove,theyarethemothersoftheworldtocome。
Thisgreedytricksterinstocksandshares,hecheats,helies,hewrongsallmen——forwhat?Followhimtohisluxurioushomeinthesuburbs:whatdoyoufind?Amanwithchildrenonhisknee,tellingthemstories,promisingthemtoys。Hisanxious,sordidlife,forwhatobjectisitlived?Thatthesechildrenmaypossessthethingsthathethinksgoodforthem。Ourveryvices,sidebysidewithourvirtues,springfromthisoneroot,Motherhood。ItistheoneseedoftheUniverse。Theplanetsarebutchildrenofthesun,themoonbutanoffspringoftheearth,stoneofherstone,ironofheriron。WhatistheGreatCentreofusall,lifeanimateandinanimate——ifanylifebeinanimate?Istheeternaluniverseonedimfigure,Motherhood,fillingallspace?
ThisschemingMotherofMayfair,anglingforarichson-in-law!Notapleasingportraittolookupon,fromonepointofview。Letuslookatit,foramoment,fromanother。Howwearyshemustbe!
Thisisherthird\"function\"to-night;thepaintisrunningoffherpoorface。Shehasbeensnubbedadozentimesbyhersocialsuperiors,openlyinsultedbyaDuchess;yetshebearsitwithapatientsmile。Itisapitifulambition,hers:itisthatherchildshallmarrymoney,shallhavecarriagesandmanyservants,liveinParkLane,weardiamonds,seehernameintheSocietyPapers。Atwhatevercosttoherself,herdaughtershall,ifpossible,enjoythesethings。Shecouldsomuchmorecomfortablygotobed,andleavethechildtomarrysomewell-to-docommercialtraveller。Justice,Reader,evenforsuch。HersordidschemingisbutthedeformedchildofMotherhood。
Motherhood!itisthegamutofGod’sorchestra,savagenessandcrueltyattheoneend,tendernessandself-sacrificeattheother。
Thesparrow-hawkfightsthehen:heseekingfoodforhisbrood,shedefendingherswithherlife。Thespidersuckstheflytofeeditsmyriadyoung;thecattorturesthemousetogiveitsstillthrobbingcarcasetoherkittens,andmanwrongsmanforchildren’ssake。
Perhapswhentheriotoftheworldreachesuswhole,notbroken,weshalllearnitisaharmony,eachjanglingdiscordfallenintoitsplacearoundthecentraltheme,Motherhood。
ONTHEINADVISABILITYOFFOLLOWINGADVICE
IwaspacingtheEustonplatformlateonewinter’snight,waitingforthelasttraintoWatford,whenInoticedamancursinganautomaticmachine。Twiceheshookhisfistatit。Iexpectedeverymomenttoseehimstrikeit。Naturallycurious,Idrewnearsoftly。
Iwantedtocatchwhathewassaying。However,heheardmyapproachingfootsteps,andturnedonme。\"Areyoutheman,\"saidhe,\"whowasherejustnow?\"
\"Justwhere?\"Ireplied。Ihadbeenpacingupanddowntheplatformforaboutfiveminutes。
\"Whyhere,wherewearestanding,\"hesnappedout。\"Wheredoyouthink’here’is——overthere?\"Heseemedirritable。
\"Imayhavepassedthisspotinthecourseofmyperegrinations,ifthatiswhatyoumean,\"Ireplied。Ispokewithstudiedpoliteness;
myideawastorebukehisrudeness。
\"Imean,\"heanswered,\"areyouthemanthatspoketome,justaminuteago?\"
\"Iamnotthatman,\"Isaid;\"good-night。\"
\"Areyousure?\"hepersisted。
\"Oneisnotlikelytoforgettalkingtoyou,\"Iretorted。
Histonehadbeenmostoffensive。\"Ibegyourpardon,\"herepliedgrudgingly。\"Ithoughtyoulookedlikethemanwhospoketomeaminuteorsoago。\"
Ifeltmollified;hewastheonlyothermanontheplatform,andI
hadaquarterofanhourtowait。\"No,itcertainlywasn’tme,\"I
returnedgenially,butungrammatically。\"Why,didyouwanthim?\"
\"Yes,Idid,\"heanswered。\"Iputapennyintheslothere,\"hecontinued,feelingapparentlytheneedofunburdeninghimself:
\"wantedaboxofmatches。Icouldn’tgetanythingput,andIwasshakingthemachine,andswearingatit,asonedoes,whentherecamealongaman,aboutyoursize,and——you’reSUREitwasn’tyou?\"
\"Positive,\"Iagainungrammaticallyreplied;\"Iwouldtellyouifithadbeen。Whatdidhedo?\"
\"Well,hesawwhathadhappened,orguessedit。Hesaid,’Theyaretroublesomethings,thosemachines;theywantunderstanding。’I
said,’Theywanttakingupandflingingintothesea,that’swhattheywant!’IwasfeelingmadbecauseIhadn’tamatchaboutme,andIusealot。Hesaid,’Theysticksometimes;thethingtodoistoputanotherpennyin;theweightofthefirstpennyisnotalwayssufficient。Thesecondpennyloosensthedrawerandtumblesoutitself;sothatyougetyourpurchasetogetherwithyourfirstpennybackagain。Ihaveoftensucceededthatway。’Well,itseemedasillyexplanation,buthetalkedasifhehadbeenweanedbyanautomaticmachine,andIwassawneyenoughtolistentohim。I
droppedinwhatIthoughtwasanotherpenny。Ihavejustdiscovereditwasatwo-shillingpiece。Thefoolwasrighttoacertainextent;Ihavegotsomethingout。Ihavegotthis。\"
Heheldittowardsme;Ilookedatit。ItwasapacketofEvertontoffee。
\"Twoandapenny,\"heremarked,bitterly。\"I’llsellitforathirdofwhatitcostme。\"
\"Youhaveputyourmoneyintothewrongmachine,\"Isuggested。
\"Well,Iknowthat!\"heanswered,alittlecrossly,asitseemedtome——hewasnotaniceman:hadtherebeenanyoneelsetotalktoI
shouldhavelefthim。\"Itisn’tlosingthemoneyImindsomuch;
it’sgettingthisdamnthing,thatannoysme。IfIcouldfindthatidiotIdramitdownhisthroat。\"
Wewalkedtotheendoftheplatform,sidebyside,insilence。
\"Therearepeoplelikethat,\"hebrokeout,asweturned,\"peoplewhowillgoabout,givingadvice。I’llbegettingsixmonthsoveroneofthem,I’malwaysafraid。IrememberaponyIhadonce。\"(I
judgedthemantobeasmallfarmer;hetalkedinawurzellytone。
Idon’tknowifyouunderstandwhatImean,butanatmosphereofwurzelswasthethingthatsomehowhesuggested。)\"ItwasathoroughbredWelshpony,assoundalittlebeastaseverstepped。
I’dhadhimouttograssallthewinter,andonedayintheearlyspringIthoughtI’dtakehimforarun。IhadtogotoAmershamonbusiness。Iputhimintothecart,anddrovehimacross;itisjusttenmilesfrommyplace。Hewasabituppish,andhadlatheredhimselfprettyfreelybythetimewereachedthetown。
\"Amanwasatthedoorofthehotel。Hesays,’That’sagoodponyofyours。’
\"’Prettymiddling,’Isays。
\"’Itdoesn’tdotoover-drive’em,whenthey’reyoung,’hesays。
\"Isays,’He’sdonetenmiles,andI’vedonemostofthepulling。I
reckonI’majollysightmoreexhaustedthanheis。
\"Iwentinsideanddidmybusiness,andwhenIcameoutthemanwasstillthere。’Goingbackupthehill?’hesaystome。
\"Somehow,Ididn’tcottontohimfromthebeginning。’Well,I’vegottogettheothersideofit,’Isays,’andunlessyouknowanypatentwayofgettingoverahillwithoutgoingupit,IreckonI
am。’
\"Hesays,’Youtakemyadvice:givehimapintofoldalebeforeyoustart。’
\"’Oldale,’Isays;’whyhe’sateetotaler。’
\"’Neveryoumindthat,’heanswers;’yougivehimapintofoldale。
Iknowtheseponies;he’sagood’un,butheain’tset。Apintofoldale,andhe’lltakeyouupthathilllikeacabletramway,andnothurthimself。’
\"Idon’tknowwhatitisaboutthisclassofman。Oneasksoneselfafterwardswhyonedidn’tknockhishatoverhiseyesandrunhisheadintothenearesthorse-trough。Butatthetimeonelistenstothem。Igotapintofoldaleinahand-bowl,andbroughtitout。
Abouthalf-a-dozenchapswerestandinground,andofcoursetherewasagooddealofchaff。
\"’You’restartinghimonthedownwardcourse,Jim,’saysoneofthem。’He’lltaketogambling,robabank,andmurderhismother。
That’salwaystheresultofaglassofale,’cordingtothetracts。’
\"’Hewon’tdrinkitlikethat,’saysanother;’it’sasflatasditchwater。Putaheadonitforhim。’
\"’Ain’tyougotacigarforhim?’saysathird。
\"’Acupofcoffeeandaroundofbutteredtoastwoulddohimasightmoregood,acolddaylikethis,’saysafourth。
\"I’dhalfamindthentothrowthestuffaway,ordrinkitmyself;
itseemedapieceofballynonsense,givinggoodaletoafour-year-oldpony;butthemomentthebeggarsmeltthebowlhereachedouthishead,andlappeditupasthoughhe’dbeenaChristian;andIjumpedintothecartandstartedoff,amidcheers。
Wegotupthehillprettysteady。Thentheliquorbegantoworkintohishead。I’vetakenhomeadrunkenmanmorethanonceandthere’spleasanterjobsthanthat。I’veseenadrunkenwoman,andthey’reworse。ButadrunkenWelshponyIneverwanttohaveanythingmoretodowithsolongasIlive。Havingfourlegshemanagedtoholdhimselfup;butastoguidinghimself,hecouldn’t;
andasforlettingmedoit,hewouldn’t。Firstwewereonesideoftheroad,andthenweweretheother。Whenwewerenoteitherside,wewerecrosswaysinthemiddle。Iheardabicyclebellbehindme,butIdarednotturnmyhead。AllIcoulddowastoshouttothefellowtokeepwherehewas。
\"’Iwanttopassyou,’hesangout,sosoonashewasnearenough。
\"’Well,youcan’tdoit,’Icalledback。
\"’Whycan’tI?’heanswered。’HowmuchoftheroaddoYOUwant?’
\"’Allofitandabitover,’Iansweredhim,’forthisjob,andnothingintheway。’
\"Hefollowedmeforhalf-a-mile,abusingme;andeverytimehethoughthesawachancehetriedtopassme。Buttheponywasalwaysabittoosmartforhim。Youmighthavethoughtthebrutewasdoingitonpurpose。
\"’You’renotfittobedriving,’heshouted。Hewasquiteright;I
wasn’t。Iwasfeelingjustaboutdeadbeat。
\"’Whatdoyouthinkyouare?’hecontinued,’thechargeoftheLightBrigade?’(Hewasacommonsortoffellow。)’WhosentYOUhomewiththewashing?’
\"Well,hewasmakingmewildbythistime。’What’sthegoodoftalkingtome?’Ishoutedback。’Comeandblackguardtheponyifyouwanttoblackguardanybody。I’vegotallIcandowithoutthehelpofthatalarmclockofyours。Goaway,you’reonlymakinghimworse。’
\"’What’sthematterwiththepony?’hecalledout。
\"’Can’tyousee?’Ianswered。’He’sdrunk。’
\"Well,ofcourseitsoundedfoolish;thetruthoftendoes。
\"’Oneofyou’sdrunk,’heretorted;’fortwopinsI’dcomeandhaulyououtofthecart。’
\"Iwishtogoodnesshehad;I’dhavegivensomethingtobeoutofthatcart。Buthedidn’thavethechance。Atthatmomenttheponygaveasuddenswerve;andItakeithemusthavebeenabittooclose。Iheardayellandacurse,andatthesameinstantIwassplashedfromheadtofootwithditchwater。Thenthebrutebolted。
Amanwascomingalong,asleeponthetopofacart-loadofwindsorchairs。It’sdisgracefulthewaythosewagonersgotosleep;I
wondertherearenotmoreaccidents。Idon’tthinkheeverknewwhathadhappenedtohim。Icouldn’tlookroundtoseewhatbecameofhim;Ionlysawhimstart。Half-waydownthehillapolicemanholla’dtometostop。Iheardhimshoutingoutsomethingaboutfuriousdriving。Half-a-milethissideofCheshamwecameuponagirls’schoolwalkingtwoandtwo——a’crocodile’theycallit,I
think。Ibetyouthosegirlsarestilltalkingaboutit。Itmusthavetakentheoldwomanagoodhourtocollectthemtogetheragain。
\"Itwasmarket-dayinChesham;andIguesstherehasnotbeenabusiermarket-dayinCheshambeforeorsince。Wewentthroughthetownataboutthirtymilesanhour。I’veneverseenCheshamsolively——it’sasleepyholeasarule。AmileoutsidethetownI
sightedtheHighWycombecoach。Ididn’tfeelImindedmuch;Ihadgottothatpasswhenitdidn’tseemtomattertomewhathappened;
Ionlyfeltcurious。Adozenyardsoffthecoachtheponystoppeddead;thatjerkedmeofftheseattothebottomofthecart。I
couldn’tgetup,becausetheseatwasontopofme。Icouldseenothingbutthesky,andoccasionallytheheadofthepony,whenhestooduponhishindlegs。ButIcouldhearwhatthedriverofthecoachsaid,andIjudgedhewashavingtroublealso。
\"’Takethatdamncircusoutoftheroad,’heshouted。Ifhe’dhadanysensehe’dhaveseenhowhelplessIwas。Icouldhearhiscattleplungingabout;theyarelikethat,horses——iftheyseeonefool,thentheyallwanttobefools。
\"’Takeithome,andtieituptoitsorgan,’shoutedtheguard。
\"Thenanoldwomanwentintohysterics,andbeganlaughinglikeanhyena。Thatstartedtheponyoffagain,and,asfarasIcouldcalculatebywatchingtheclouds,wedidaboutanotherfourmilesatthegallop。Thenhethoughthe’dtrytojumpagate,andfinding,I
suppose,thatthecarthamperedhim,hestartedkickingittopieces。I’dneverhavethoughtacartcouldhavebeenseparatedintosomanypieces,ifIhadn’tseenitdone。Whenhehadgotridofeverythingbuthalfawheelandthesplashboardheboltedagain。
Iremainedbehindwiththeotherruins,andgladIwastogetalittlerest。Hecamebacklaterintheafternoon,andIwaspleasedtosellhimthenextweekforafive-pound-note:itcostmeaboutanothertentorepairmyself。
\"TothisdayIamchaffedaboutthatpony,andthelocaltemperancesocietymadealectureoutofme。That’swhatcomesoffollowingadvice。\"
Isympathizedwithhim。Ihavesufferedfromadvicemyself。Ihaveafriend,aCityman,whomImeetoccasionally。Oneofhismostardentpassionsinlifeistomakemyfortune。Hebutton-holesmeinThreadneedleStreet。\"TheverymanIwantedtosee,\"hesays;
\"I’mgoingtoletyouinforagoodthing。Wearegettingupalittlesyndicate。\"Heisforever\"gettingup\"alittlesyndicate,andforeveryhundredpoundsyouputintoityoutakeathousandout。HadIgoneintoallhislittlesyndicates,Icouldhavebeenworthatthepresentmoment,Ireckon,twomillionfivehundredthousandpounds。ButIhavenotgoneintoallhislittlesyndicates。Iwentintoone,yearsago,whenIwasyounger。Iamstillinit;myfriendisconfidentthatmyholding,lateron,willyieldmethousands。Being,however,hard-upforreadymoney,Iamwillingtopartwithmysharetoanydeservingpersonatagenuinereduction,uponacashbasis。Anotherfriendofmineknowsanothermanwhois\"intheknow\"asregardsracingmatters。Isupposemostpeoplepossessafriendofthistype。Heisgenerallyverypopularjustbeforearace,andextremelyunpopularimmediatelyafterwards。
Athirdbenefactorofmineisanenthusiastuponthesubjectofdiet。Onedayhebroughtmesomethinginapacket,andpresseditintomyhandwiththeairofamanwhoisrelievingyouofallyourtroubles。
\"Whatisit?\"Iasked。
\"Openitandsee,\"heanswered,inthetoneofapantomimefairy。
Iopeneditandlooked,butIwasnowiser。
\"It’stea,\"heexplained。
\"Oh!\"Ireplied;\"Iwaswonderingifitcouldbesnuff。\"
\"Well,it’snotexactlytea,\"hecontinued,\"it’sasortoftea。
Youtakeonecupofthat——onecup,andyouwillnevercareforanyotherkindofteaagain。\"
Hewasquiteright,Itookonecup。AfterdrinkingitIfeltI
didn’tcareforanyothertea。IfeltIdidn’tcareforanything,excepttodiequietlyandinoffensively。Hecalledonmeaweeklater。
\"YourememberthatteaIgaveyou?\"hesaid。
\"Distinctly,\"Ianswered;\"I’vegotthetasteofitinmymouthnow。\"
\"Diditupsetyou?\"heasked。
\"Itannoyedmeatthetime,\"Ianswered;\"butthat’sallovernow。\"
Heseemedthoughtful。\"Youwerequitecorrect,\"heanswered;\"itWASsnuff,averyspecialsnuff,sentmeallthewayfromIndia。\"
\"Ican’tsayIlikedit,\"Ireplied。
\"Astupidmistakeofmine,\"hewenton——\"Imusthavemixedupthepackets!\"
\"Oh,accidentswillhappen,\"Isaid,\"andyouwon’tmakeanothermistake,Ifeelsure;sofarasIamconcerned。\"
Wecanallgiveadvice。Ihadthehonouronceofservinganoldgentlemanwhoseprofessionitwastogivelegaladvice,andexcellentlegaladvicehealwaysgave。Incommonwithmostmenwhoknowthelaw,hehadlittlerespectforit。Ihaveheardhimsaytoawould-belitigant——
\"Mydearsir,ifavillainstoppedmeinthestreetanddemandedofmemywatchandchain,Ishouldrefusetogiveittohim。Ifhethereuponsaid,’ThenIshalltakeitfromyoubybruteforce,’I
should,oldasIam,Ifeelconvinced,replytohim,’Comeon。’Butif,ontheotherhand,heweretosaytome,’Verywell,thenI
shalltakeproceedingsagainstyouintheCourtofQueen’sBenchtocompelyoutogiveituptome,’Ishouldatoncetakeitfrommypocket,pressitintohishand,andbegofhimtosaynomoreaboutthematter。AndIshouldconsiderIwasgettingoffcheaply。\"
Yetthatsameoldgentlemanwenttolawhimselfwithhisnext-doorneighbouroveradeadpollparrotthatwasn’tworthsixpencetoanybody,andspentfromfirsttolastahundredpounds,ifhespentapenny。