\"Well,notrightin,\"Ianswered,\"Iifwearetobeliteral。Youwalkedontome;ifIhadnotstoppedyou,Isupposeyouwouldhavewalkedoverme。\"
\"ItisthisconfoundedChristmasbusiness,\"heexplained。\"Itdrivesmeoffmyhead。\"
\"IhaveheardChristmasadvancedasanexcuseformanythings,\"I
replied,\"butnotearlyinSeptember。\"
\"Oh,youknowwhatImean,\"heanswered,\"weareinthemiddleofourChristmasnumber。Iamworkingdayandnightuponit。Bythebye,\"headded,\"thatputsmeinmind。Iamarrangingasymposium,andIwantyoutojoin。’ShouldChristmas,’\"——Iinterruptedhim。
\"Mydearfellow,\"Isaid,\"IcommencedmyjournalisticcareerwhenI
waseighteen,andIhavecontinueditatintervalseversince。I
havewrittenaboutChristmasfromthesentimentalpointofview;I
haveanalyzeditfromthephilosophicalpointofview;andIhavescarifieditfromthesarcasticstandpoint。IhavetreatedChristmashumorouslyfortheComics,andsympatheticallyfortheProvincialWeeklies。IhavesaidallthatisworthsayingonthesubjectofChristmas——maybeatriflemore。Ihavetoldthenew-fashionedChristmasstory——youknowthesortofthing:yourheroinetriestounderstandherself,and,failing,runsoffwiththemanwhobeganasthehero;yourgoodwomanturnsouttobereallybadwhenonecomestoknowher;whilethevillain,theonlydecentpersoninthestory,dieswithanenigmaticsentenceonhislipsthatlooksasifitmeantsomething,butwhichyouyourselfwouldbesorrytohavetoexplain。Ihavealsowrittentheold-fashionedChristmasstory——youknowthatalso:youbeginwithagoodold-fashionedsnowstorm;youhaveagoodold-fashionedsquire,andhelivesinagoodold-fashionedHall;youworkinagoodold-fashionedmurder;andendupwithagoodold-fashionedChristmasdinner。IhavegatheredChristmasgueststogetherroundthecracklinglogstotellghoststoriestoeachotheronChristmasEve,whilewithoutthewindhowled,asitalwaysdoesontheseoccasions,atitspropercue。IhavesentchildrentoHeavenonChristmasEve——itmustbequiteabusytimeforSt。Peter,Christmasmorning,somanygoodchildrendieonChristmasEve。Ithasalwaysbeenapopularnightwiththem。——Ihaverevivifieddeadloversandbroughtthembackwellandjolly,justintimetositdowntotheChristmasdinner。Iamnotashamedofhavingdonethesethings。AtthetimeIthoughtthemgood。Ioncelovedcurrantwineandgirlswithtowzleyhair。One’sviewschangeasonegrowsolder。IhavediscussedChristmasasareligiousfestival。Ihavearraigneditasasocialincubus。IftherebeanyjokeconnectedwithChristmasthatIhavenotalreadymadeIshouldbegladtohearit。Ihavetrottedouttheindigestionjokestillthesightofoneofthemgivesmeindigestionmyself。Ihaveridiculedthefamilygathering。
IhavescoffedattheChristmaspresent。Ihavemadewittyuseofpaterfamiliasandhisbills。Ihave——\"
\"DidIevershowyou,\"IbrokeofftoaskaswewerecrossingtheHaymarket,\"thatlittleparodyofmineonPoe’spoemof’TheBells’?
Itbegins——\"Heinterruptedmeinhisturn——
\"Bills,bills,bills,\"herepeated。
\"Youarequiteright,\"Iadmitted。\"IforgotIevershowedittoyou。\"
\"Youneverdid,\"hereplied。
\"Thenhowdoyouknowhowitbegins?\"Iasked。
\"Idon’tknowforcertain,\"headmitted,\"butIget,onanaverage,sixty-fiveayearsubmittedtome,andtheyallbeginthatway。I
thought,perhaps,yoursdidalso。\"
\"Idon’tseehowelseitcouldbegin,\"Iretorted。Hehadratherannoyedme。\"Besides,itdoesn’tmatterhowapoembegins,itishowitgoesonthatistheimportantthingandanyhow,I’mnotgoingtowriteyouanythingaboutChristmas。Askmetomakeyouanewjokeaboutaplumber;suggestmyinventingsomethingoriginalandnottooshockingforachildtosayaboutheaven;proposemyrunningyouoffadogstorythatcanbebelievedbyamanofaveragedeterminationandwemaycometoterms。ButonthesubjectofChristmasIamtakingarest。\"
BythistimewehadreachedPiccadillyCircus。
\"Idon’tblameyou,\"hesaid,\"ifyouareassickofthesubjectasIam。SosoonastheseChristmasnumbersareoffmymind,andChristmasisovertillnextJuneattheoffice,Ishallbeginitathome。Thehousekeepingisgoneupapoundaweekalready。Iknowwhatthatmeans。ThedearlittlewomanissavinguptogivemeanexpensivepresentthatIdon’twant。IthinkthepresentsaretheworstpartofChristmas。Emmawillgivemeawater-colourthatshehaspaintedherself。Shealwaysdoes。Therewouldbenoharminthatifshedidnotexpectmetohangitinthedrawingroom。HaveyoueverseenmycousinEmma’swater-colours?\"heasked。
\"IthinkIhave,\"Ireplied。
\"There’snothinkingaboutit,\"heretortedangrily。\"They’renotthesortofwater-coloursyouforget。\"
HeapostrophizedtheCircusgenerally。
\"Whydopeopledothesethings?\"hedemanded。\"EvenanamateurartistmusthaveSOMEsense。Can’ttheyseewhatishappening?
There’sthatthingofhershanginginthepassage。Iputitinthepassagebecausethere’snotmuchlightinthepassage。She’slabelleditReverie。IfshehadcalleditInfluenzaIcouldhaveunderstoodit。Iaskedherwhereshegottheideafrom,andshesaidshesawtheskylikethatoneeveninginNorfolk。GreatHeavens!thenwhydidn’tsheshuthereyesorgohomeandhidebehindthebed-curtains?IfIhadseenaskylikethatinNorfolkI
shouldhavetakenthefirsttrainbacktoLondon。Isupposethepoorgirlcan’thelpseeingthesethings,butwhypaintthem?\"
Isaid,\"Isupposepaintingisanecessitytosomenatures。\"
\"Butwhygivethethingstome?\"hepleaded。
Icouldofferhimnoadequatereason。
\"Theidioticpresentsthatpeoplegiveyou!\"hecontinued。\"IsaidI’dlikeTennyson’spoemsoneyear。TheyhadworriedmetoknowwhatIdidwant。Ididn’twantanythingreally;thatwastheonlythingIcouldthinkofthatIwasn’tdeadsureIdidn’twant。Well,theyclubbedtogether,fourofthem,andgavemeTennysonintwelvevolumes,illustratedwithcolouredphotographs。Theymeantkindly,ofcourse。Ifyousuggestatobacco-pouchtheygiveyouabluevelvetbagcapableofholdingaboutapound,embroideredwithflowers,life-size。Theonlywayonecoulduseitwouldbetoputastraptoitandwearitasasatchel。Wouldyoubelieveit,Ihavegotavelvetsmoking-jacket,ornamentedwithforget-me-notsandbutterfliesincolouredsilk;I’mnotjoking。AndtheyaskmewhyI
neverwearit。I’llbringitdowntotheCluboneofthesenightsandwaketheplaceupabit:itneedsit。\"
Wehadarrivedbythisatthestepsofthe’Devonshire。’
\"AndI’mjustasbad,\"hewenton,\"whenIgivepresents。Inevergivethemwhattheywant。Ineverhituponanythingthatisofanyusetoanybody。IfIgiveJaneachinchillatippet,youmaybecertainchinchillaisthemostout-of-datefurthatanywomancouldwear。’Oh!thatisniceofyou,’shesays;’nowthatisjusttheverythingIwanted。Iwillkeepitbymetillchinchillacomesinagain。’Igivethegirlswatch-chainswhennobodyiswearingwatch-chains。Whenwatch-chainsarealltherageIgivethemear-rings,andtheythankme,andsuggestmytakingthemtoafancy-dressball,thatbeingtheironlychancetoweartheconfoundedthings。Iwastemoneyonwhitegloveswithblackbacks,tofindthatwhitegloveswithblackbacksstampawomanassuburban。Ibelievealltheshop-keepersinLondonsavetheiroldstocktopalmitoffonmeatChristmastime。Andwhydoesitalwaystakehalf-a-dozenpeopletoserveyouwithapairofgloves,I’dliketoknow?OnlylastweekJaneaskedmetogethersomeglovesforthatlastMansionHouseaffair。Iwasfeelingamiable,andIthoughtIwoulddothethinghandsomely。Ihategoingintoadraper’sshop;everybodystaresatamanasifhewereforcinghiswayintotheladies’departmentofaTurkishbath。Oneofthosemarionettesortofmencameuptomeandsaiditwasafinemorning。
WhatthedevildidIwanttotalkaboutthemorningtohimfor?I
saidIwantedsomegloves。Idescribedthemtothebestofmyrecollection。Isaid,’Iwantthemfourbuttons,buttheyarenottobebutton-gloves;thebuttonsareinthemiddleandtheyreachuptotheelbow,ifyouknowwhatImean。’Hebowed,andsaidheunderstoodexactlywhatImeant,whichwasadamnedsightmorethanIdid。ItoldhimIwantedthreepaircreamandthreepairfawn-coloured,andthefawn-colouredweretobeswedes。Hecorrectedme。HesaidImeant’Suede。’Idaresayhewasright,buttheinterruptionputmeoff,andIhadtobeginoveragain。HelistenedattentivelyuntilIhadfinished。IguessIwasaboutfiveminutesstandingwithhimthereclosetothedoor。Hesaid,’Isthatallyourequire,sir,thismorning?’Isaiditwas。
\"’Thankyou,sir,’hereplied。’Thisway,please,sir。’
\"Hetookmeintoanotherroom,andtherewemetamannamedJansen,towhomhebrieflyintroducedmeasagentlemanwho’desiredgloves。’’Yes,sir,’saidMr。Jansen;andwhatsortofglovesdoyoudesire?’
\"ItoldhimIwantedsixpairsaltogether——threesuede,fawn-coloured,andthreecream-coloured——kids。
\"Hesaid,’Doyoumeankidgloves,sir,orglovesforchildren?’
\"Hemademeangrybythat。ItoldhimIwasnotinthehabitofusingslang。NoramIwhenbuyinggloves。Hesaidhewassorry。I
explainedtohimaboutthebuttons,sofarasIcouldunderstanditmyself,andaboutthelength。Iaskedhimtoseetoitthatthebuttonsweresewnonfirmly,andthatthestitchingeverywherewasperfect,addingthatthelastglovesmywifehadhadofhisfirmhadbeenmostunsatisfactory。Janehadimpresseduponmetoaddthat。
Shesaiditwouldmakethemmorecareful。
\"Helistenedtomeinraptecstacy。Imighthavebeenmusic。
\"’Andwhatsize,sir?’heasked。
\"Ihadforgottenthat。’Oh,sixes,’Ianswered,’unlesstheyareverystretchyindeed,inwhichcasetheyhadbetterbefiveandthree-quarter。’
\"’Oh,andthestitchingonthecreamistobeblack,’Iadded。ThatwasanotherthingIhadforgotten。
\"’Thankyouverymuch,’saidMr。Jansen;’isthereanythingelsethatyourequirethismorning?’
\"’No,thankyou,’Ireplied,’notthismorning。’Iwasbeginningtoliketheman。
\"Hetookmeforquiteawalk,andwhereverwewenteverybodyleftoffwhattheyweredoingtostareatme。Iwasgettingtiredwhenwereachedtheglovedepartment。Hemarchedmeuptoayoungmanwhowasstickingpinsintohimself。Hesaid’Gloves,’anddisappearedthroughacurtain。Theyoungmanleftoffstickingpinsintohimself,andleantacrossthecounter。
\"’Ladies’glovesorgentlemen’sgloves?’hesaid。
\"Well,Iwasprettymadbythistime,asyoucanguess。Itisfunnywhenyoucometothinkofitafterwards,butthewonderthenwasthatIdidn’tpunchhishead。
\"Isaid,’Areyoueverbusyinthisshop?Doesthereevercomeatimewhenyoufeelyouwouldliketogetyourworkdone,insteadoflingeringoveritandspinningitoutforpureloveofthething?’
\"Hedidnotappeartounderstandme。Isaid,’Imetamanatyourdooraquarterofanhourago,andwetalkedabouttheseglovesthatIwant,andItoldhimallmyideasonthesubject。HetookmetoyourMr。Jansen,andMr。JansenandIwentoverthewholebusinessagain。NowMr。Jansenleavesitwithyou——youwhodonotevenknowwhetherIwantladies’orgentlemen’sgloves。BeforeIgooverthisstoryforthethirdtime,Iwanttoknowwhetheryouarethemanwhoisgoingtoserveme,orwhetheryouaremerelyalistener,becausepersonallyIamtiredofthesubject?’
\"Well,thiswastherightmanatlast,andIgotmyglovesfromhim。
Butwhatistheexplanation——whatistheidea?Iwasinthatshopfromfirsttolastfive-and-thirtyminutes。Andthenafooltookmeoutthewrongwaytoshowmeaspeciallineinsleeping-socks。I
toldhimIwasnotrequiringany。Hesaidhedidn’twantmetobuy,heonlywantedmetoseethem。Nowonderthedrapershavehadtostartluncheonandtea-rooms。They’llfixupsmallfurnishedflatssoon,whereawomancanliveforaweek。\"
Isaiditwasverytrying,shopping。Ialsosaid,asheinvitedme,andasheappeareddeterminedtogoontalking,thatIwouldhaveabrandy-and-soda。Wewereinthesmoke-roombythistime。
\"Thereoughttobeanassociation,\"hecontinued,\"akindofclearing-houseforthecollectionanddistributionofChristmaspresents。Onewouldgivethemalistofthepeoplefromwhomtocollectpresents,andofthepeopletowhomtosend。SupposetheycollectedonmyaccounttwentyChristmaspresents,value,say,tenpounds,whileontheotherhandtheysentoutformethirtypresentsatacostoffifteenpounds。Theywoulddebitmewiththebalanceoffivepounds,togetherwithasmallcommission。Ishouldpayitcheerfully,andtherewouldbenofurthertrouble。Perhapsonemightevenmakeaprofit。Theideamightincludebirthdaysandweddings。Afirmwoulddothebusinessthoroughly。Theywouldseethatallyourfriendspaidup——Imeansentpresents;andtheywouldnotforgettosendtoyourmostimportantrelative。Thereisonlyonememberofourfamilycapableofleavingashilling;andofcourseifIforgettosendtoanyoneitistohim。WhenIrememberhimIgenerallymakeamuddleofthebusiness。TwoyearsagoIgavehimabath——Idon’tmeanIwashedhim——anindia-rubberthing,thathecouldpackinhisportmanteau。Ithoughthewouldfinditusefulfortravelling。Wouldyoubelieveit,hetookitasapersonalaffront,andwouldn’tspeaktomeforamonth,thesnuffyoldidiot。\"
\"Isupposethechildrenenjoyit,\"Isaid。
\"Enjoywhat?\"heasked。
\"Why,Christmas,\"Iexplained。
\"Idon’tbelievetheydo,\"hesnapped;\"nobodyenjoysit。Weexcitethemforthreeweeksbeforehand,tellingthemwhatagoodtimetheyaregoingtohave,over-feedthemfortwoorthreedays,takethemtosomethingtheydonotwanttosee,butwhichwedo,andthenbullythemforafortnighttogetthembackintotheirnormalcondition。IwasalwaystakentotheCrystalPalaceandMadameTussaud’swhenIwasachild,Iremember。HowIdidhatethatCrystalPalace!Auntusedtosuperintend。Itwasalwaysabitterlycoldday,andwealwaysgotintothewrongtrain,andtravelledhalfthedaybeforewegotthere。Weneverhadanydinner。Itneveroccurstoawomanthatanybodycanwanttheirmealswhileawayfromhome。Sheseemstothinkthatnatureisinsuspensefromthetimeyouleavethehousetillthetimeyougetbacktoit。Abunandaglassofmilkwasherideaoflunchforaschool-boy。Halfhertimewastakenupinlosingus,andtheotherhalfinslappinguswhenshehadfoundus。Theonlythingwereallyenjoyedwastherowwiththecabmancominghome。\"
Irosetogo。
\"Thenyouwon’tjointhatsymposium?\"saidB————。\"Itwouldbeaneasyenoughthingtoknockoff——’WhyChristmasshouldbeabolished。’\"
\"Itsoundssimple,\"Ianswered。\"Buthowdoyouproposetoabolishit?\"Theladyeditorofan\"advanced\"Americanmagazineoncesetthediscussion——\"Shouldsexbeabolished?\"andelevenladiesandgentlemenseriouslyarguedthequestion。
\"Leaveittodieofinanition,\"saidB————-;\"thefirststepistoarousepublicopinion。Convincethepublicthatitshouldbeabolished。\"
\"Butwhyshoulditbeabolished?\"Iasked。
\"GreatScott!man,\"heexclaimed;\"don’tyouwantitabolished?\"
\"I’mnotsurethatIdo,\"Ireplied。
\"Notsure,\"heretorted;\"youcallyourselfajournalist,andadmitthereisasubjectunderHeavenofwhichyouarenotsure!\"
\"Ithascomeovermeoflateyears,\"Ireplied。\"Itusednottobemyfailing,asyouknow。\"
Heglancedroundtomakesurewewereoutofearshot,thensunkhisvoicetoawhisper。
\"Betweenourselves,\"hesaid,\"I’mnotsosureofeverythingmyselfasIusedtobe。Whyisit?\"
\"Perhapswearegettingolder,\"Isuggested。
Hesaid——\"Istartedgolflastyear,andthefirsttimeItooktheclubinmyhandIsenttheballafurlong。’Itseemsaneasygame,’
Isaidtothemanwhowasteachingme。’Yes,mostpeoplefinditeasyatthebeginning,’hereplieddryly。Hewasanoldgolferhimself;Ithoughthewasjealous。Istuckwelltothegame,andforaboutthreeweeksIwasimmenselypleasedwithmyself。Then,gradually,Ibegantofindoutthedifficulties。IfeelIshallnevermakeagoodplayer。Haveyouevergonethroughthatexperience?\"
\"Yes,\"Ireplied;\"Isupposethatistheexplanation。Thegameseemssoeasyatthebeginning。\"
Ilefthimtohislunch,andstrolledwestward,musingonthetimewhenIshouldhaveansweredthatquestionofhisaboutChristmas,oranyotherquestion,off-hand。ThatgoodyouthtimewhenIkneweverything,whenlifepresentednoproblems,danglednodoubtsbeforeme!
Inthosedays,wishfultogivetheworldthebenefitofmywisdom,andseekingforacandle-stickwherefrommybrilliancymightbevisibleandhelpfuluntomen,IarrivedbeforeadingyportalinChequersStreet,St。Luke’s,behindwhichaconclaveofyoungmen,togetherwithafewoldenoughtohaveknownbetter,meteveryFridayeveningforthepurposeofdiscussingandarrangingtheaffairsoftheuniverse。\"Speakingmembers\"werechargedten-and-sixpenceperannum,whichmusthaveworkedoutatanextremelymoderaterateperword;and\"gentlemenwhosesubscriptionsweremorethanthreemonthsinarrear,\"became,byRuleseven,powerlessforgoodorevil。Wecalledourselves\"TheStormyPetrels,\"and,underthesympatheticshadowofthosewings,I
labouredtwoseasonstowardsthereformationofthehumanrace;
until,indeed,ourtreasurer,anearnestyoungman,andatirelessfoeofallthatwasconventional,departedfortheEast,leavingbehindhimabalancesheet,showingthattheclubowedforty-twopoundsfifteenandfourpence,andthatthesubscriptionsforthecurrentyear,amountingtoalittleoverthirty-eightpounds,hadbeen\"carriedforward,\"butastowhere,thereportaffordednoindication。Whereuponourlandlord,amanutterlywithoutideals,seizedourfurniture,offeringtosellitbacktousforfifteenpounds。Wepointedouttohimthatthiswasanextravagantprice,andtenderedhimfive。
Thenegotiationsterminatedwithungentlemanlylanguageonhispart,and\"TheStormyPetrels\"scattered,nevertobeforegatheredtogetheragainabovethetroubledwatersofhumanity。Now-a-days,listeningtothefeebleplansofmodernreformers,Icannothelpbutsmile,rememberingwhatwasdoneinChequersStreet,St。Luke’s,inanagewhenMrs。Grundystillgavethelawtoliterature,whileyettheBritishmatronwastheguidetoBritishart。IaminformedthatthereisabroadthequestionofabolishingtheHouseofLords!Why,\"TheStormyPetrels\"abolishedthearistocracyandtheCrowninoneevening,andthenonlyadjournedforthepurposeofappointingacommitteetodrawupandhavereadyaRepublicanConstitutionbythefollowingFridayevening。TheytalkofEmpirelounges!Weclosedthedoorsofeverymusic-hallinLondoneighteenyearsagobytwenty-ninevotestoseventeen。Theyhadapatienthearing,andwereablydefended;butwefoundthatthetendencyofsuchamusementswasanti-progressive,andagainstthebestinterestsofanintellectuallyadvancingdemocracy。Imetthemoverofthecondemnatoryresolutionattheold\"Pav\"thefollowingevening,andwecontinuedthediscussionoverabottleofBass。Hestrengthenedhisargumentbypersuadingmetositoutthewholeofthethreesongssungbythe\"LionComique\";butIsubsequentlyretortedsuccessfully,bybringingunderhisnoticethedancingofaladyinbluetightsandflaxenhair。IforgethernamebutnevershallI
ceasetorememberherexquisitecharmandbeauty。Ah,me!howcharmingandhowbeautiful\"artistes\"wereinthosegoldendays!
Whencehavetheyvanished?Ladiesinbluetightsandflaxenhairdancebeforemyeyesto-day,butmovemenot,unlessitbetowardsboredom。Wherebethetrippingwitchesoftwentyyearsago,whomtoseeoncewastodreamofforaweek,totouchwhosewhitehandwouldhavebeenjoy,tokisswhoseredlipswouldhavebeentoforetasteHeaven。Iheardonlytheotherdaythatthesonofanoldfriendofminehadsecretlymarriedaladyfromthefrontrowoftheballet,andinvoluntarilyIexclaimed,\"Poordevil!\"Therewasatimewhenmyfirstthoughtwouldhavebeen,\"Luckybeggar!isheworthyofher?\"Forthentheladiesoftheballetwereangels。Howcouldonegazeatthem——fromtheshillingpit——anddoubtit?Theydancedtokeepawidowedmotherincomfort,ortosendayoungerbrothertoschool。Thentheyweregloriouscreaturesayoungmandidwelltoworship;butnow-a-days——
Itisanoldjest。Theeyesofyouthseethroughrose-tintedglasses。Theeyesofagearedimbehindsmoke-cloudedspectacles。
Myflaxenfriend,youarenottheangelIdreamedyou,northeexceptionalsinnersomewouldpaintyou;butunderyourfeathers,justawoman——abundleoffolliesandfailings,tiedupwithsomesweetnessandstrength。YoukeepabroughamIamsureyoucannotaffordonyourthirtyshillingsaweek。ThereareladiesIknow,inMayfair,whohavepaidanextravagantpricefortheirs。Youpaintandyoudye,Iamtold:itisevenhintedyoupad。Don’tweallofusdeckourselvesoutinvirtuesthatarenotourown?Whenthepaintandthepowder,mysister,isstrippedbothfromyouandfromme,weshallknowwhichofusisentitledtolookdownontheotherinscorn。
Forgiveme,gentleReader,fordigressing。Theladyledmeastray。
Iwasspeakingof\"TheStormyPetrels,\"andofthereformstheyaccomplished,whichweremany。Weabolished,Iremember,capitalpunishmentandwar;wewereexcellentyoungmenatheart。Christmaswereformedaltogether,alongwithBankHolidays,byamajorityoftwelve。Ineverrecollectanyproposaltoabolishanythingeverbeinglostwhenputtothevote。Therewerefewthingsthatwe\"StormyPetrels\"didnotabolish。WeattackedChristmasongroundsofexpediency,andkilleditbyridicule。WeexposedthehollowmockeryofChristmassentiment;weabusedtheindigestibleChristmasdinner,thetiresomeChristmasparty,thesillyChristmaspantomime。
Ourfunnymemberwasside-splittingonthesubjectofChristmasWaits;oursocialreformerbitteruponChristmasdrunkenness;oureconomistindignantuponChristmascharities。Onlyoneargumentofanyweightwithuswasadvancedinfavourofthefestival,andthatwasourleadingcynic’ssuggestionthatitwasworthenduringthemiseriesofChristmas,toenjoythesoul-satisfyingcomfortoftheafterreflectionthatitwasallover,andcouldnotoccuragainforanotheryear。
ButsincethosedayswhenIwaspreparedtoputthisoldworldofourstorightsuponallmatters,Ihaveseenmanysightsandheardmanysounds,andIamnotquitesosureasIoncewasthatmyparticularviewsaretheonlypossiblycorrectones。Christmasseemstomesomewhatmeaningless;butIhavelookedthroughwindowsinpoverty-strickenstreets,andhaveseendingyparloursgaywithmanychainsofcolouredpaper。Theystretchedfromcornertocornerofthesmoke-grimedceiling,theyfellinclumsyfestoonsfromthecheapgasalier,theyframedthefly-blownmirrorandthetawdrypictures;andIknowtiredhandsandeyesworkedmanyhourstofashionandfixthosefoolishchains,saying,\"Itwillpleasehim——
shewillliketoseetheroomlookpretty;\"andasIhavelookedatthemtheyhavegrown,insomemysteriousmanner,beautifultome。
Thegaudy-colouredchildanddogirritatesme,Iconfess;butIhavewatchedagrimy,inartisticpersonage,smoothingitaffectionatelywithtoil-stainedhand,whileeagerfacescrowdedroundtoadmireandwonderatitsblatantcrudity。Ithangstothisdayinitscheapframeabovethechimney-piece,theonebrightspotrelievingthosedamp-stainedwalls;dulleyesstareandstareagainatit,catchingavista,throughitsflashytints,ofthefar-offlandofart。ChristmasWaitsannoyme,andIyearntothrowopenthewindowandflingcoalatthem——asoncefromthewindowofahighflatinChelseaIdid。IdoubtedtheirbeinggenuineWaits。Iwasinclinedtotheopiniontheywereyoungmenseekingexcuseformakinganoise。Oneofthemappearedtoknowahymnwithachorus,anotherplayedtheconcertina,whileathirdaccompaniedwithastepdance。
InstinctivelyIfeltnorespectforthem;theydisturbedmeinmywork,andthedesiregrewuponmetoinjurethem。ItoccurredtomeitwouldbegoodsportifIturnedoutthelight,softlyopenedthewindow,andthrewcoalatthem。Itwouldbeimpossibleforthemtotellfromwhichwindowintheblockthecoalcame,andthussubsequentunpleasantnesswouldbeavoided。Theywereacompactlittlegroup,andwithaverageluckIwasboundtohitoneofthem。
Iadoptedtheplan。Icouldnotseethemveryclearly。Iaimedratheratthenoise;andIhadthrownabouttwentychoicelumpswithouteffect,andwasfeelingsomewhatdiscouraged,whenayell,followedbylanguagesingularlyunappropriatetotheseason,toldmethatProvidencehadaidedmyarm。Themusicceasedsuddenly,andthepartydispersed,apparentlyinhighglee——whichstruckmeascurious。
OnemanInoticedremainedbehind。Hestoodunderthelamp-post,andshookhisfistattheblockgenerally。
\"Whothrewthatlumpofcoal?\"hedemandedinstentoriantones。
Tomyhorror,itwasthevoiceofthemanatEighty-eight,anIrishgentleman,ajournalistlikemyself。Isawitall,astheunfortunateheroalwaysexclaims,toolate,intheplay。He——numberEighty-eight——alsodisturbedbythenoise,hadevidentlygoneouttoexpostulatewiththerioters。Ofcoursemylumpofcoalhadhithim——himtheinnocent,thepeaceful(uptillthen),thevirtuous。
ThatisthejusticeFatedealsouttousmortalsherebelow。Thereweretentofourteenyoungmeninthatcrowd,eachoneofwhomfullydeservedthatlumpofcoal;he,theoneguiltless,gotit——
seemingly,sofarasthedimlightfromthegaslampenabledmetojudge,fullintheeye。
Astheblockremainedsilentinanswertohisdemand,hecrossedtheroadandmountedthestairs。Oneachlandinghestoppedandshouted——
\"Whothrewthatlumpofcoal?Iwantthemanwhothrewthatlumpofcoal。Outyoucome。\"
NowagoodmaninmyplacewouldhavewaitedtillnumberEighty-eightarrivedonhislanding,andthen,throwingopenthedoorwouldhavesaidwithmanlycandour——
\"_I_threwthatlumpofcoal。Iwas-,\"Hewouldnothavegotfurther,becauseatthatpoint,Ifeelconfident,numberEighty——
eightwouldhavepunchedhishead。Therewouldhavebeenanunseemlyfracasonthestaircase,totheannoyanceofalltheothertenantsandlater,therewouldhaveissuedasummonsandacross-summons。Angrypassionswouldhavebeenroused,bitterfeelingengenderedwhichmighthavelastedforyears。
Idonotpretendtobeagoodman。IdoubtifthepretencewouldbeofanyusewereItotry:Iamnotasufficientlygoodactor。I
saidtomyself,asItookoffmybootsinthestudy,preparatorytoretiringtomybedroom——\"NumberEighty-eightisevidentlynotinaframeofmindtolistentomystory。Itwillbebettertolethimshouthimselfcool;afterwhichhewillreturntohisownflat,bathehiseye,andobtainsomerefreshingsleep。Inthemorning,whenweshallprobablymeetasusualonourwaytoFleetStreet,I
willrefertotheincidentcasually,andsympathizewithhim。I
willsuggesttohimthetruth——thatinallprobabilitysomefellow-tenant,irritatedalsobythenoise,hadaimedcoalattheWaits,hittinghiminsteadbyaregrettablebutpureaccident。WithtactImayevenbeabletomakehimseethehumouroftheincident。
Lateron,inMarchorApril,choosingmymomentwithjudgment,I
will,perhaps,confessthatIwasthatfellow-tenant,andoverafriendlybrandy-and-sodawewilllaughthewholetroubleaway。\"
Asamatteroffact,thatiswhathappened。SaidnumberEighty-eight——hewasabigman,asgoodafellowatheartaseverlived,butimpulsive——\"Damnedluckyforyou,oldman,youdidnottellmeatthetime。\"
\"Ifelt,\"Ireplied,\"instinctivelythatitwasacasefordelay。\"
Therearetimeswhenoneshouldcontrolone’spassionforcandour;
andasIwassaying,Christmaswaitsexcitenoemotioninmybreastsavethatofirritation。ButIhaveknown\"Hark,theheraldangelssing,\"wheezilychantedbyfog-filledthroats,andaccompanied,hopelesslyoutoftune,byacornetandaflute,bringagreatlookofgladnesstoawork-wornface。Toheritwasamessageofhopeandlove,makingthehardlifetastesweet。Themerethoughtoffamilygatherings,socustomaryatChristmastime,boresussuperiorpeople;butIthinkofanincidenttoldmebyacertainman,afriendofmine。OneChristmas,myfriend,visitinginthecountry,camefacetofacewithawomanwhomintownhehadoftenmetamidverydifferentsurroundings。Thedoorofthelittlefarmhousewasopen;sheandanolderwomanwereironingatatable,andashersoftwhitehandspassedtoandfro,foldingandsmoothingtherumpledheap,shelaughedandtalked,concerningsimplehomelythings。Myfriend’sshadowfellacrossherwork,andshelookingup,theireyesmet;butherfacesaidplainly,\"Idonotknowyouhere,andhereyoudonotknowme。HereIamawomanlovedandrespected。\"Myfriendpassedinandspoketotheolderwoman,thewifeofoneofhishost’stenants,andsheturnedtowards,andintroducedtheyounger——\"Mydaughter,sir。Wedonotseeherveryoften。SheisinaplaceinLondon,andcannotgetaway。ButshealwaysspendsafewdayswithusatChristmas。\"
\"Itistheseasonforfamilyre-unions,\"answeredmyfriendwithjustthesuggestionofasneer,forwhichhehatedhimself。
\"Yes,sir,\"saidthewoman,notnoticing;\"shehasnevermissedherChristmaswithus,haveyou,Bess?\"
\"No,mother,\"repliedthegirlsimply,andbentherheadagainoverherwork。
Soforthesefewdayseveryyearthiswomanleftherfursandjewels,herfineclothesanddaintyfoods,behindher,andlivedforalittlespacewithwhatwascleanandwholesome。Itwastheoneanchorholdinghertowomanhood;andonelikestothinkthatitwas,perhaps,intheendstrongenoughtosaveherfromthedriftingwaters。AllwhichargumentsinfavourofChristmasandofChristmascustomsare,Iadmit,purelysentimentalones,butIhavelivedlongenoughtodoubtwhethersentimenthasnotitslegitimateplaceintheeconomyoflife。
ONTHETIMEWASTEDINLOOKINGBEFOREONELEAPS
Haveyouevernoticedthegoingoutofawoman?
Whenamangoesout,hesays——\"I’mgoingout,shan’tbelong。\"
\"Oh,George,\"crieshiswifefromtheotherendofthehouse,\"don’tgoforamoment。Iwantyouto——\"Shehearsafallingofhats,followedbytheslammingofthefrontdoor。
\"Oh,George,you’renotgone!\"shewails。Itisbutthevoiceofdespair。Asamatteroffact,sheknowsheisgone。Shereachesthehall,breathless。
\"Hemighthavewaitedaminute,\"shemutterstoherself,asshepicksupthehats,\"thereweresomanythingsIwantedhimtodo。\"
Shedoesnotopenthedoorandattempttostophim,sheknowsheisalreadyhalf-waydownthestreet。Itisamean,paltrywayofgoingout,shethinks;solikeaman。
Whenawoman,ontheotherhand,goesout,peopleknowaboutit。
Shedoesnotsneakout。Shesayssheisgoingout。Shesaysit,generally,ontheafternoonofthedaybefore;andsherepeatsit,atintervals,untiltea-time。Attea,shesuddenlydecidesthatshewon’t,thatshewillleaveittillthedayafterto-morrowinstead。
Anhourlatershethinksshewillgoto-morrow,afterall,andmakesarrangementstowashherhairovernight。Forthenexthourorsoshealternatesbetweenfitsofexaltation,duringwhichshelooksforwardtogoingout,andmomentsofdespondency,whenasenseofforebodingfallsuponher。Atdinnershepersuadessomeotherwomantogowithher;theotherwoman,oncepersuaded,isenthusiasticaboutgoing,untilsherecollectsthatshecannot。Thefirstwoman,however,convincesherthatshecan。
\"Yes,\"repliesthesecondwoman,\"butthen,howaboutyou,dear?
YouareforgettingtheJoneses。\"
\"SoIwas,\"answersthefirstwoman,completelynon-plussed。\"Howveryawkward,andIcan’tgoonWednesday。IshallhavetoleaveittillThursday,now。\"
\"But_I_can’tgoThursday,\"saysthesecondwoman。
\"Well,yougowithoutme,dear,\"saysthefirstwoman,inthetoneofonewhoissacrificingalife’sambition。
\"Ohno,dear,Ishouldnotthinkofit,\"noblyexclaimsthesecondwoman。\"Wewillwaitandgotogether,Friday!\"
\"I’lltellyouwhatwe’lldo,\"saysthefirstwoman。\"Wewillstartearly\"(thisisaninspiration),\"andbebackbeforetheJonesesarrive。\"
Theyagreetosleeptogether;thereisalurkingsuspicioninboththeirmindsthatthismaybetheirlastsleeponearth。Theyretireearlywithacanofhotwater。Atintervals,duringthenight,oneoverhearsthemsplashingwater,andtalking。
Theycomedownverylateforbreakfast,andbothverycross。Eachseemstohavearguedherselfintothebeliefthatshehasbeenluredintothispieceofnonsense,againstherbetterjudgment,bythepersistentfollyoftheotherone。Duringthemealeachoneaskstheother,everyfiveminutes,ifsheisquiteready。Eachone,itappears,hasonlyherhattoputon。Theytalkabouttheweather,andwonderwhatitisgoingtodo。Theywishitwouldmakeupitsmind,onewayortheother。Theyareverybitteronweatherthatcannotmakeupitsmind。Afterbreakfastitstilllookscloudy,andtheydecidetoabandontheschemealtogether。Thefirstwomanthenremembersthatitisabsolutelynecessaryforher,atallevents,togo。
\"Butthereisnoneedforyoutocome,dear,\"shesays。
Uptothatpointthesecondwomanwasevidentlynotsurewhethershewishedtogoorwhethershedidn’t。Nowsheknows。
\"Ohyes,I’llcome,\"shesays,\"thenitwillbeover!\"
\"Iamsureyoudon’twanttogo,\"urgesthefirstwoman,\"andI
shallbequickerbymyself。Iamreadytostartnow。\"
Thesecondwomanbridles。
\"_I_shan’tbeacoupleofminutes,\"sheretorts。\"Youknow,dear,it’sgenerallyIwhohavetowaitforyou。\"
\"Butyou’venotgotyourbootson,\"thefirstwomanremindsher。
\"Well,theywon’ttakeANYtime,\"istheanswer。\"Butofcourse,dear,ifyou’dreallyratherIdidnotcome,sayso。\"Bythistimesheisonthevergeoftears。
\"Ofcourse,Iwouldlikeyoutocome,dear,\"explainsthefirstinaresignedtone。\"Ithoughtperhapsyouwereonlycomingtopleaseme。\"
\"Ohno,I’dLIKEtocome,\"saysthesecondwoman。
\"Well,wemusthurryup,\"saysthefirst;\"Ishan’tbemorethanaminutemyself,I’vemerelygottochangemyskirt。\"
Half-an-hourlateryouhearthemcallingtoeachother,fromdifferentpartsofthehouse,toknowiftheotheroneisready。Itappearstheyhavebothbeenreadyforquitealongwhile,waitingonlyfortheotherone。
\"I’mafraid,\"callsouttheonewhoseturnitistobedown-stairs,\"it’sgoingtorain。\"
\"Oh,don’tsaythat,\"callsbacktheotherone。
\"Well,itlooksverylikeit。\"
\"Whatanuisance,\"answerstheup-stairswoman;\"shallweputitoff?\"
\"Well,whatdoYOUthink,dear?\"repliesthedown-stairs。
Theydecidetheywillgo,onlynowtheywillhavetochangetheirboots,andputondifferenthats。
Forthenexttenminutestheyarestillshoutingandrunningabout。
Thenitseemsasiftheyreallywereready,nothingremainingbutforthemtosay\"Good-bye,\"andgo。
Theybeginbykissingthechildren。Awomanneverleavesherhousewithoutsecretmisgivingsthatshewillneverreturntoitalive。
Onechildcannotbefound。Whenitisfounditwishesithadn’tbeen。Ithastobewashed,preparatorytobeingkissed。Afterthat,thedoghastobefoundandkissed,andfinalinstructionsgiventothecook。
Thentheyopenthefrontdoor。
\"Oh,George,\"callsoutthefirstwoman,turningroundagain。\"Areyouthere?\"
\"Hullo,\"answersavoicefromthedistance。\"Doyouwantme?\"
\"No,dear,onlytosaygood-bye。I’mgoing。\"
\"Oh,good-bye。\"
\"Good-bye,dear。Doyouthinkit’sgoingtorain?\"
\"Ohno,Ishouldnotsayso。\"
\"George。\"
\"Yes。\"
\"Haveyougotanymoney?\"
Fiveminuteslatertheycomerunningback;theonehasforgottenherparasol,theotherherpurse。
Andspeakingofpurses,remindsoneofanotheressentialdifferencebetweenthemaleandfemalehumananimal。Amancarrieshismoneyinhispocket。Whenhewantstouseit,hetakesitoutandlaysitdown。Thisisacrudewayofdoingthings,awomandisplaysmoresubtlety。Saysheisstandinginthestreet,andwantsfourpencetopayforabunchofvioletsshehaspurchasedfromaflower-girl。
Shehastwoparcelsinonehand,andaparasolintheother。Withtheremainingtwofingersofthelefthandshesecurestheviolets。
Thequestionthenarises,howtopaythegirl?Shefluttersforafewminutes,evidentlynotquiteunderstandingwhyitisshecannotdoit。Thereasonthenoccurstoher:shehasonlytwohandsandboththeseareoccupied。Firstshethinksshewillputtheparcelsandtheflowersintoherrighthand,thenshethinksshewillputtheparasolintoherleft。Thenshelooksroundforatableorevenachair,butthereisnotsuchathinginthewholestreet。Herdifficultyissolvedbyherdroppingtheparcelsandtheflowers。
Thegirlpicksthemupforherandholdsthem。Thisenableshertofeelforherpocketwithherrighthand,whilewavingheropenparasolaboutwithherleft。Sheknocksanoldgentleman’shatoffintothegutter,andnearlyblindstheflower-girlbeforeitoccurstohertocloseit。Thisdone,sheleansitupagainsttheflower-girl’sbasket,andsetstoworkinearnestwithbothhands。
Sheseizesherselffirmlybytheback,andturnstheupperpartofherbodyroundtillherhairisinfrontandhereyesbehind。Stillholdingherselffirmlywithherlefthand——didsheletherselfgo,goodnessknowswhereshewouldspinto;——withherrightsheprospectsherself。Thepurseisthere,shecanfeelit,theproblemishowtogetatit。Thequickestwaywould,ofcourse,betotakeofftheskirt,sitdownonthekerb,turnitinsideout,andworkfromthebottomofthepocketupwards。Butthissimpleideaneverseemstooccurtoher。Therearesomethirtyfoldsatthebackofthedress,betweentwoofthesefoldscommencesthesecretpassage。
Atlast,purelybychance,shesuddenlydiscoversit,nearlyupsettingherselfintheprocess,andthepurseisbroughtuptothesurface。Thedifficultyofopeningitstillremains。Sheknowsitopenswithaspring,butthesecretofthatspringshehasnevermastered,andsheneverwill。Herplanistoworryitgenerallyuntilitdoesopen。Fiveminuteswillalwaysdoit,providedsheisnotflustered。
Atlastitdoesopen。Itwouldbeincorrecttosaythatsheopensit。Itopensbecauseitissickofbeingmauledabout;and,aslikelyasnot,itopensatthemomentwhensheisholdingitupsidedown。Ifyouhappentobenearenoughtolookoverhershoulder,youwillnoticethatthegoldandsilverliesloosewithinit。Inaninnersanctuary,carefullysecuredwithasecondsecretspring,shekeepshercoppers,togetherwithapostage-stampandadraper’sreceipt,ninemonthsold,forelevenpencethree-farthings。
IremembertheindignationofanoldBus-conductor,once。Insidewewereninewomenandtwomen。Isatnextthedoor,andhisremarksthereforeheaddressedtome。Itwascertainlytakinghimsometimetocollectthefares,butIthinkhewouldhavegotonbetterhadhebeenlessbustling;heworriedthem,andmadethemnervous。
\"Lookatthat,\"hesaid,drawingmyattentiontoapoorladyopposite,whowasdivinginthecustomarymannerforherpurse,\"theysitontheirmoney,womendo。Blestifyouwouldn’tthinktheywastryingto’atchit。\"
Atlengththeladydrewfromunderneathherselfanexceedinglyfatpurse。
\"Fancyridinginabumpbybus,percheduponthatthing,\"hecontinued。\"Thinkwhatastaminatheymusthave。\"Hegrewconfidential。\"I’veseenonewoman,\"hesaid,\"pulloutfromunderneath’erastreetdoorkey,atinboxoflozengers,apencil-case,awhoppingbigpurse,apacketofhair-pins,andasmelling-bottle。Why,youormewouldbewretched,sittingonaplaindoor-knob,andthemwomengoesaboutlikethatallday。I
supposetheygetsusedtoit。Drop’emonaneider-downpillow,andthey’dscream。Thetimeittakesmetogettuppenceoutofthem,why,it’s’eart-breaking。Firsttheytriesoneside,thentheytriestheother。Thentheygetsupandshakestheirselvestillthebusjerksthembackagain,andtheretheyare,amore’opeless’eapthanever。IfI’admywayI’dmakeeverybuscarryafemalesearcherascouldover’aul’emoneatatime,andtakethemoneyfrom’em。Talkaboutthepoorpickpocket。WhatIsayis,thatamanasfindshiswayintoawoman’spocket——well,hedeserveswhathegets。\"
Butitwasthethoughtofmoreseriousmattersthatluredmeintoreflectionsconcerningtheover-carefulnessofwomen。Itisatheoryofmine——wrongpossibly;indeedIhavesobeeninformed——thatwepickourwaythroughlifewithtoomuchcare。Weareforeverlookingdownupontheground。Maybe,wedoavoidastumbleortwooverastoneorabrier,butalsowemisstheblueofthesky,thegloryofthehills。Thesebooksthatgoodmenwrite,tellingusthatwhattheycall\"success\"inlifedependsonourflingingasideouryouthandwastingourmanhoodinorderthatwemayhavethemeanswhenweareeightyofspendingarollickingoldage,annoyme。
WesaveallourlivestoinvestinaSouthSeaBubble;andinskimpingandscheming,wehavegrownmean,andnarrow,andhard。Wewillputoffthegatheringoftherosestilltomorrow,to-dayitshallbeallwork,allbargain-driving,allplotting。Lo,whento-
morrowcomes,therosesareblown;nordowecareforroses,idlethingsofsmallmarketablevalue;cabbagesaremoretoourfancybythetimeto-morrowcomes。
Lifeisathingtobelived,notspent,tobefaced,notordered。