\"Oh,I’vecometoseeMr。Williamson,\"yousay。
\"Verysorry,sir,\"isthepolitereply,\"buthe’sout。\"
\"Out?Why,youjustnowtoldmethroughthetelephonethathe’dbeinallthemorning。\"
\"No,Isaid,he’WON’Tbeinallthemorning。’\"
Yougobacktotheoffice,andsitdowninfrontofthattelephoneandlookatit。Thereithangs,calmandimperturbable。Wereitanordinaryinstrument,thatwouldbeitslasthour。Youwouldgostraightdown-stairs,getthecoal-hammerandthekitchen-poker,anddivideitintosufficientpiecestogiveabittoeverymaninLondon。Butyoufeelnervousoftheseelectricalaffairs,andthereisasomethingaboutthattelephone,withitsblackholeandcurlywires,thatcowsyou。Youhaveanotionthatifyoudon’thandleitproperlysomethingmaycomeandshockyou,andthentherewillbeaninquest,andbotherofthatsort,soyouonlycurseit。
Thatiswhathappenswhenyouwanttousethetelephonefromyourend。Butthatisnottheworstthatthetelephonecando。A
sensibleman,afteralittleexperience,canlearntoleavethethingalone。Yourworsttroublesarenotofyourownmaking。Youareworkingagainsttime;youhavegiveninstructionsnottobedisturbed。Perhapsitisafterlunch,andyouarethinkingwithyoureyesclosed,sothatyourthoughtsshallnotbedistractedbytheobjectsabouttheroom。Ineithercaseyouareanxiousnottoleaveyourchair,whenoffgoesthattelephonebellandyouspringfromyourchair,uncertain,forthemoment,whetheryouhavebeenshot,orblownupwithdynamite。Itoccurstoyouinyourweaknessthatifyoupersistintakingnonotice,theywillgettired,andleaveyoualone。Butthatisnottheirmethod。Thebellringsviolentlyatten-secondintervals。Youhavenothingtowrapyourheadupin。Youthinkitwillbebettertogetthisbusinessoveranddonewith。Yougotoyourfateandcallbacksavagely——
\"Whatisit?Whatdoyouwant?\"
Noanswer,onlyaconfusedmurmur,prominentoutofwhichcomethevoicesoftwomenswearingatoneanother。Thelanguagetheyaremakinguseofisdisgraceful。Thetelephoneseemspeculiarlyadaptedfortheconveyanceofblasphemy。Ordinarylanguagesoundsindistinctthroughit;buteverywordthosetwomenaresayingcanbeheardbyallthetelephonesubscribersinLondon。
Itisuselessattemptingtolistentilltheyhavedone。Whentheyareexhausted,youapplytothetubeagain。Noanswerisobtainable。Yougetmad,andbecomesarcastic;onlybeingsarcasticwhenyouarenotsurethatanybodyisattheotherendtohearyouisunsatisfying。
Atlast,afteraquarterofanhourorsoofsaying,\"Areyouthere?\"\"Yes,I’mhere,\"\"Well?\"theyoungladyattheExchangeaskswhatyouwant。
\"Idon’twantanything,\"youreply。
\"Thenwhydoyoukeeptalking?\"sheretorts;\"youmustn’tplaywiththething。\"
Thisrendersyouspeechlesswithindignationforawhile,uponrecoveringfromwhichyouexplainthatsomebodyrangyouup。
\"WHOrangyouup?\"sheasks。
\"Idon’tknow。\"
\"Iwishyoudid,\"sheobserves。
Generallydisgusted,youslamthetrumpetupandreturntoyourchair。Theinstantyouareseatedthebellclangsagain;andyouflyupanddemandtoknowwhatthethundertheywant,andwhothethundertheyare。
\"Don’tspeaksoloud,wecan’thearyou。Whatdoyouwant?\"istheanswer。
\"Idon’twantanything。Whatdoyouwant?Whydoyouringmeup,andthennotanswerme?Doleavemealone,ifyoucan!\"
\"Wecan’tgetHongKongsatseventy-four。\"
\"Well,Idon’tcareifyoucan’t。\"
\"WouldyoulikeZulus?\"
\"Whatareyoutalkingabout?\"youreply;\"Idon’tknowwhatyoumean。\"
\"WouldyoulikeZulus——Zulusatseventy-threeandahalf?\"
\"Iwouldn’thave’ematsixapenny。Whatareyoutalkingabout?\"
\"HongKongs——wecan’tgetthematseventy-four。Oh,half-a-minute\"
(thehalf-a-minutepasses)。\"Areyouthere?\"
\"Yes,butyouaretalkingtothewrongman。\"
\"WecangetyouHongKongsatseventy-fourandseven-eights。\"
\"BotherHongKongs,andyoutoo。Itellyou,youaretalkingtothewrongman。I’vetoldyouonce。\"
\"Oncewhat?\"
\"Why,thatIamthewrongman——Imeanthatyouaretalkingtothewrongman。\"
\"Whoareyou?\"
\"Eight-one-nine,Jones。\"
\"Oh,aren’tyouone-nine-eight?\"
\"No。\"
\"Oh,good-bye。\"
\"Good-bye。\"
HowcanamanafterthatsitdownandwritepleasantlyoftheEuropeancrisis?And,ifitwereneeded,hereinliesanotherindictmentagainstthetelephone。Iwasengagedinanargument,which,ifnotinitselfserious,wasatleastconcernedwithaseriousenoughsubject,theunsatisfactorynatureofhumanriches;
andfromthathighlymoraldiscussionhaveIbeenlured,bytheaccidentalsightoftheword\"telephone,\"intothewritingofmatterwhichcanhavetheeffectonlyofexcitingtofrenzyallcriticsoftheNewHumourintowhosehands,fortheirsins,thisbookmaycome。
Letmeforgetmytransgressionandreturntomysermon,orrathertothesermonofmymillionaireacquaintance。
Itwasonedayafterdinner,wesattogetherinhismagnificentlyfurnisheddining-room。Wehadlightedourcigarsatthesilverlamp。Thebutlerhadwithdrawn。
\"Thesecigarswearesmoking,\"myfriendsuddenlyremarked,aproposapparentlyofnothing,\"theycostmefiveshillingsapiece,takingthembythethousand。\"
\"Icanquitebelieveit,\"Ianswered;\"theyareworthit。\"
\"Yes,toyou,\"hereplied,almostsavagely。\"Whatdoyouusuallypayforyourcigars?\"
Wehadknowneachotheryearsago。WhenIfirstmethimhisofficesconsistedofabackroomupthreeflightsofstairsinadingyby-
streetofftheStrand,whichhassincedisappeared。Weoccasionallydinedtogether,inthosedays,atarestaurantinGreatPortlandStreet,foroneandnine。Ouracquaintanceshipwasofsufficientstandingtoallowofsuchaquestion。
\"Threepence,\"Ianswered。\"Theyworkoutatabouttwopencethree-farthingsbythebox。\"
\"Justso,\"hegrowled;\"andyourtwopenny-three-farthingweedgivesyoupreciselythesameamountofsatisfactionthatthisfiveshillingcigaraffordsme。ThatmeansfourandninepencefarthingwastedeverytimeIsmoke。Ipaymycooktwohundredayear。I
don’tenjoymydinnerasmuchaswhenitcostmefourshillings,includingaquarterflaskofChianti。Whatisthedifference,personally,tomewhetherIdrivetomyofficeinacarriageandpair,orinanomnibus?Ioftendorideinabus:itsavestrouble。Itisabsurdwastingtimelookingforone’scoachman,whentheconductorofanomnibusthatpassesone’sdoorishailingoneafewyardsoff。BeforeIcouldaffordevenbuses——whenIusedtowalkeverymorningtotheofficefromHammersmith——Iwashealthier。
ItirritatesmetothinkhowhardIworkfornoearthlybenefittomyself。MymoneypleasesalotofpeopleIdon’tcaretwostrawsabout,andwhoareonlymyfriendsinthehopeofmakingsomethingoutofme。IfIcouldeatahundred-guineadinnermyselfeverynight,andenjoyitfourhundredtimesasmuchasIusedtoenjoyafive-shillingdinner,therewouldbesomesenseinit。WhydoIdoit?\"
Ihadneverheardhimtalklikethisbefore。Inhisexcitementherosefromthetable,andcommencedpacingtheroom。
\"Whydon’tIinvestmymoneyinthetwoandahalfpercents?\"hecontinued。\"AttheveryworstIshouldbesafeforfivethousandayear。What,inthenameofcommonsense,doesamanwantwithmore?
Iamalwayssayingtomyself,I’lldoit;whydon’tI?
\"Well,whynot?\"Iechoed。
\"That’swhatIwantyoutotellme,\"hereturned。\"Yousetupforunderstandinghumannature,it’samysterytome。Inmyplace,youwoulddoasIdo;youknowthat。Ifsomebodyleftyouahundredthousandpoundsto-morrow,youwouldstartanewspaper,orbuildatheatre——somedamn-fooltrickforgettingridofthemoneyandgivingyourselfseventeenhours’anxietyaday;youknowyouwould。\"
Ihungmyheadinshame。Ifeltthejusticeoftheaccusation。Ithasalwaysbeenmydreamtorunanewspaperandownatheatre。
\"Ifweworkedonlyforwhatwecouldspend,\"hewenton,\"theCitymightputupitsshuttersto-morrowmorning。WhatIwanttogetatthebottomofisthisinstinctthatdrivesustoworkapparentlyforwork’sownsake。Whatisthisstrangethingthatgetsuponourbackandspursus?\"
AservantenteredatthatmomentwithacablegramfromthemanagerofoneofhisAustrianmines,andhehadtoleavemeforhisstudy。
But,walkinghome,Ifelltoponderingonhiswords。WHYthisendlesswork?Whyeachmorningdowegetupandwashanddressourselves,toundressourselvesatnightandgotobedagain?Whydoweworkmerelytoearnmoneytobuyfood;andeatfoodsoastogainstrengththatwemaywork?Whydowelive,merelyintheendtosaygood-byetooneanother?Whydowelabourtobringchildrenintotheworldthattheymaydieandbeburied?
Ofwhatuseourmadstriving,ourpassionatedesire?Willitmattertotheageswhether,onceuponatime,theUnionJackortheTricolourfloatedoverthebattlementsofBadajoz?Yetwepouredourbloodintoitsditchestodecidethequestion。Willitmatter,inthedayswhentheglacialperiodshallhavecomeagain,toclothetheearthwithsilence,whosefootfirsttrodthePole?Yet,generationaftergeneration,wemileitsroadwaywithourwhiteningbones。Soverysoonthewormscometous;doesitmatterwhetherwelove,orhate?Yetthehotbloodrushesthroughourveins,wewearoutheartandbrainforshadowyhopesthateverfadeaswepressforward。
Theflowerstrugglesupfromseed-pod,drawsthesweetsapfromtheground,foldsitspetalseachnight,andsleeps。Thenlovecomestoitinastrangeform,anditlongstomingleitspollenwiththepollenofsomeotherflower。Soitputsforthitsgayblossoms,andthewanderinginsectbearsthemessagefromseed-podtoseed-pod。
Andtheseasonspass,bringingwiththemthesunshineandtherain,tilltheflowerwithers,neverhavingknowntherealpurposeforwhichitlived,thinkingthegardenwasmadeforit,notitforthegarden。Thecoralinsectdreamsinitssmallsoul,whichispossiblyitssmallstomach,ofhomeandfood。Soitworksandstrivesdeepdowninthedarkwaters,neverknowingofthecontinentsitisfashioning。
Butthequestionstillremains:forwhatpurposeisitall?
Scienceexplainsittous。Byagesofstrifeandeffortweimprovetherace;fromether,throughthemonkey,manisborn。So,throughthelabourofthecomingages,hewillfreehimselfstillfurtherfromthebrute。Throughsorrowandthroughstruggle,bythesweatofbrainandbrow,hewilllifthimselftowardstheangels。Hewillcomeintohiskingdom。
Butwhythebuilding?Whythepassingofthecountlessages?Whyshouldhenothavebeenbornthegodheistobe,imbuedatbirthwithallthecapabilitieshisancestorshavediedacquiring?WhythePictandHunthat_I_maybe?Why_I_,thatadescendantofmyown,towhomIshallseemasavage,shallcomeafterme?Why,iftheuniversebeorderedbyaCreatortowhomallthingsarepossible,theprotoplasmiccell?Whynotthemanthatistobe?
Shallallthegenerationsbesomuchhumanwastethathemaylive?
AmIbutanotherlayerofthesoilpreparingforhim?
Or,ifourfuturebeinotherspheres,thenwhytheneedofthisplanet?ArewelabouringatsomeWorktoovastforustoperceive?
Areourpassionsanddesiresmerewhipsandtracesbythehelpofwhichwearedriven?Anytheoryseemsmorehopefulthanthethoughtthatalloureager,fretfullivesarebuttheturningofauselessprisoncrank。Lookingbackthelittledistancethatourdimeyescanpenetratethepast,whatdowefind?Civilizations,builtupwithinfinitecare,sweptasideandlost。Beliefsforwhichmenlivedanddied,provedtobemockeries。GreekArtcrushedtothedustbyGothicbludgeons。Dreamsoffraternity,drownedinbloodbyaNapoleon。Whatislefttous,butthehopethattheworkitself,nottheresult,istherealmonument?Maybe,weareaschildren,asking,\"Ofwhatusearetheselessons?Whatgoodwilltheyeverbetous?\"Buttherecomesadaywhentheladunderstandswhyhelearntgrammarandgeography,whenevendateshaveameaningforhim。Butthisisnotuntilhehasleftschool,andgoneoutintothewiderworld。So,perhaps,whenwearealittlemoregrownup,wetoomaybegintounderstandthereasonforourliving。
ONTHECAREANDMANAGEMENTOFWOMEN
Italkedtoawomanonceonthesubjectofhoneymoons。Isaid,\"Wouldyourecommendalonghoneymoon,oraSaturdaytoMondaysomewhere?\"Asilencefelluponher。Igatheredshewaslookingbackratherthanforwardtoheranswer。
\"Iwouldadvisealonghoneymoon,\"sherepliedatlength,\"theold-fashionedmonth。\"
\"Why,\"Ipersisted,\"Ithoughtthetendencyoftheagewastocutthesethingsshorterandshorter。\"
\"Itisthetendencyoftheage,\"sheanswered,\"toseekescapefrommanythingsitwouldbewisertoface。Ithinkmyselfthat,forgoodorevil,thesooneritisover——thesoonerboththemanandthewomanknow——thebetter。\"
\"Thesoonerwhatisover?\"Iasked。
Ifshehadafault,thiswoman,aboutwhichIamnotsure,itwasaninclinationtowardsenigma。
Shecrossedtothewindowandstoodthere,lookingout。
\"Wastherenotacustom,\"shesaid,stillgazingdownintothewet,glisteningstreet,\"amongoneoftheancientpeoples,Iforgetwhich,ordainingthatwhenamanandwoman,lovingoneanother,orthinkingthattheyloved,hadbeenjoinedtogether,theyshouldgodownupontheirweddingnighttothetemple?Andintothedarkrecessesofthetemple,throughmanywindingpassages,thepriestledthemuntiltheycametothegreatchamberwheredweltthevoiceoftheirgod。Therethepriestleftthem,clanging-tothemassivedoorbehindhim,andthere,aloneinsilence,theymadetheirsacrifice;andinthenighttheVoicespoketothem,showingthemtheirfuturelife——whethertheyhadchosenwell;whethertheirlovewouldliveordie。Andinthemorningthepriestreturnedandledthembackintotheday;andtheydweltamongtheirfellows。Butnoonewaspermittedtoquestionthem,northeytoanswershouldanydoso。Well,doyouknow,ournineteenth-centuryhoneymoonatBrighton,Switzerland,orRamsgate,asthechoiceornecessitymaybe,alwaysseemstomemerelyanotherformofthatnightspentaloneinthetemplebeforethealtarofthatforgottengod。Ouryoungmenandwomenmarry,andwekissthemandcongratulatethem;and,standingonthedoorstep,throwriceandoldslippers,andshoutgoodwishesafterthem;andhewaveshisglovedhandtous,andshefluttersherlittlehandkerchieffromthecarriagewindow;andwewatchtheirsmilingfacesandheartheirlaughteruntilthecornerhidesthemfromourview。Thenwegoaboutourownbusiness,andashorttimepassesby;andonedaywemeetthemagain,andtheirfaceshavegrownolderandgraver;andIalwayswonderwhattheVoicehastoldthemduringthatlittlewhilethattheyhavebeenabsentfromoursight。Butofcourseitwouldnotdotoaskthem。
Norwouldtheyanswertrulyifwedid。\"
Myfriendlaughed,and,leavingthewindow,tookherplacebesidethetea-things,andothercallersdroppingin,wefelltotalkofpictures,plays,andpeople。
ButIfeltitwouldbeunwisetoactonhersoleadvice,muchasI
havealwaysvaluedheropinion。
Awomantakeslifetooseriously。Itisaseriousaffairtomostofus,theLordknows。Thatiswhyitiswellnottotakeitmoreseriouslythanneedbe。
LittleJackandlittleJillfalldownthehill,hurtingtheirlittleknees,andtheirlittlenoses,spillingthehard-earnedwater。Weareveryphilosophical。
\"Oh,don’tcry!\"wetellthem,\"thatisbabyish。Littleboysandlittlegirlsmustlearntobearpain。Upyouget,fillthepailagain,andtryoncemore。\"
LittleJackandlittleJillrubtheirdirtyknucklesintotheirlittleeyes,lookingruefullyattheirbloodylittleknees,andtrotbackwiththepail。Welaughatthem,butnotill-naturedly。
\"Poorlittlesouls,\"wesay;\"howtheydidhullabaloo。Onemighthavethoughttheywerehalf-killed。Anditwasonlyabrokencrown,afterall。Whatafusschildrenmake!\"WebearwithmuchstoicismthefalloflittleJackandlittleJill。
ButwhenWE——grown-upJackwithmoustacheturninggrey;grown-upJillwiththefirstfaint\"crow’sfeet\"showing——whenWEtumbledownthehill,andOURpailisspilt。YeHeavens!whatatragedyhashappened。Putoutthestars,turnoffthesun,suspendthelawsofnature。Mr。JackandMrs。Jill,comingdownthehill——whattheyweredoingonthehillwewillnotinquire——haveslippedoverastone,placedtheresurelybytheevilpowersoftheuniverse。Mr。
JackandMrs。Jillhavebumpedtheirsillyheads。Mr。JackandMrs。
Jillhavehurttheirlittlehearts,andstandmarvellingthattheworldcangoaboutitsbusinessinthefaceofsuchdisaster。
Don’ttakethematterquitesoseriously,JackandJill。Youhavespilledyourhappiness,youmusttoilupthehillagainandrefillthepail。Carryitmorecarefullynexttime。Whatwereyoudoing?
Playingsomefool’strick,I’llbebound。
Alaughandasigh,akissandgood-bye,isourlife。Isitworthsomuchfretting?Itisamerrylifeonthewhole。Courage,comrade。Acampaigncannotbealldrumandfifeandstirrup-cup。
Themarchingandthefightingmustcomeintoitsomewhere。Therearepleasantbivouacsamongthevineyards,merrynightsaroundthecampfires。Whitehandswaveawelcometous;brighteyesdimatourgoing。Wouldyourunfromthebattle-music?Whathaveyoutocomplainof?Forward:themedaltosome,thesurgeon’sknifetoothers;toallofus,soonerorlater,sixfeetofmotherearth。
Whatareyouafraidof?Courage,comrade。
Thereisameanbetweenbaskingthroughlifewiththesmilingcontentmentofthealligator,andshiveringthroughitwiththeaggressivesensibilityoftheLamadeterminedtodieateverycrossword。Tobearitasamanwemustalsofeelitasaman。Myphilosophicfriend,seeknottocomfortabrotherstandingbythecoffinofhischildwiththecheerysuggestionthatitwillbeallthesameahundredyearshence,because,foronething,theobservationisnottrue:themanischangedforalleternity——
possiblyforthebetter,butdon’taddthat。Asoldierwithabulletinhisneckisneverquitethemanhewas。Buthecanlaughandhecantalk,drinkhiswineandridehishorse。Nowandagain,towardsevening,whentheweatheristrying,thesicknesswillcomeuponhim。Youwillfindhimonacouchinadarkcorner。
\"Hallo!oldfellow,anythingup?\"
\"Oh,justatwinge,theoldwound,youknow。Iwillbebetterinalittlewhile。\"
Shutthedoorofthedarkroomquietly。IshouldnotstayeventosympathizewithhimifIwereyou。Themenwillbecomingtoscrewthecoffindownsoon。Ithinkhewouldliketobealonewithittillthen。Letusleavehim。Hewillcomebacktotheclublateronintheseason。Forawhilewemayhavetogivehimanothertenpointsorso,buthewillsoongetbackhisoldform。Nowandagain,whenhemeetstheotherfellows’boysshoutingonthetowing-path;whenBrownrushesupthedrive,paperinhand,totellhimhowthatyoungscapegraceJimhaswonhisCross;whenheiscongratulatingJones’seldestonhavingpassedwithhonours,theoldwoundmaygivehimanastytwinge。Butthepainwillpassaway。Hewilllaughatourstoriesandtellushisown;eathisdinner,playhisrubber。Itisonlyawound。
Tommycanneverbeours,Jennydoesnotloveus。Wecannotaffordclaret,sowewillhavetodrinkbeer。Well,whatwouldyouhaveusdo?Yes,letuscurseFatebyallmeans——someonetocurseisalwaysuseful。Letuscryandwringourhands——forhowlong?Thedinner-bellwillringsoon,andtheSmithsarecoming。Weshallhavetotalkabouttheoperaandthepicture-galleries。Quick,whereistheeau-de-Cologne?wherearethecurling-tongs?Orwouldyouwecommittedsuicide?Isitworthwhile?Onlyafewmoreyears——perhapsto-morrow,byaidofapieceoforangepeelorabrokenchimney-pot——andFatewillsaveusallthattrouble。
Orshallwe,assulkychildren,mopedayafterday?Weareabroken-heartedlittleJack——littleJill。Wewillneversmileagain;
wewillpineawayanddie,andbeburiedinthespring。Theworldissad,andlifesocruel,andheavensocold。Ohdear!ohdear!wehavehurtourselves。
Wewhimperandwhineateverypain。Inoldstrongdaysmenfacedrealdangers,realtroubleseveryhour;theyhadnotimetocry。
Deathanddisasterstoodeveratthedoor。Menwerecontemptuousofthem。Nowineachsnugprotectedvillawesettoworktomakewoundsoutofscratches。Everyhead-achebecomesanagony,everyheart-acheatragedy。Ittookamurderedfather,adrownedsweetheart,adishonouredmother,aghost,andaslaughteredPrimeMinistertoproducetheemotionsinHamletthatamodernminorpoetobtainsfromachorusgirl’sfrown,oratemporaryslumpontheStockExchange。LikeMrs。Gummidge,wefeelitmore。Thelighterandeasierlifegetsthemoreseriouslywegoouttomeetit。TheboatmenofUlyssesfacedthethunderandthesunshinealikewithfrolicwelcome。Wemodernsailorshavegrownmoresensitive。Thesunshinescorchesus,therainchillsus。Wemeetbothwithloudself-pity。
Thinkingthesethoughts,Isoughtasecondfriend——amanwhosebreezycommon-sensehasoftenhelpedme,andhimlikewiseI
questionedonthissubjectofhoneymoons。
\"Mydearboy,\"hereplied;\"takemyadvice,ifeveryougetmarried,arrangeitsothatthehoneymoonshallonlylastaweek,andletitbeabustlingweekintothebargain。TakeaCook’scirculartour。
GetmarriedontheSaturdaymorning,cutthebreakfastandallthatfoolishness,andcatchtheeleven-tenfromCharingCrosstoParis。
TakeheruptheEiffelToweronSunday。LunchatFontainebleau。
DineattheMaisonDoree,andshowhertheMoulinRougeintheevening。TakethenighttrainforLucerne。DevoteMondayandTuesdaytodoingSwitzerland,andgetintoRomebyThursdaymorning,takingtheItalianlakesenroute。OnFridaycrosstoMarseilles,andfromtherepushalongtoMonteCarlo。Letherhaveaflutteratthetables。StartearlySaturdaymorningforSpain,crossthePyreneesonmules,andrestatBordeauxonSunday。GetbacktoParisonMonday(Mondayisalwaysagooddayfortheopera),andonTuesdayeveningyouwillbeathome,andgladtogetthere。Don’tgivehertimetocriticizeyouuntilshehasgotusedtoyou。Nomanwillbearunprotectedexposuretoayounggirl’seyes。Thehoneymoonisthematrimonialmicroscope。Wobbleit。Confuseitwithmanyobjects。Clouditwithotherinterests。Don’tsitstilltobeexamined。Besides,rememberthatamanalwaysappearsathisbestwhenactive,andawomanatherworst。Bustleher,mydearboy,bustleher:Idon’tcarewhoshemaybe。Giveherplentyofluggagetolookafter;makehercatchtrains。Letherseetheaveragehusbandsprawlingcomfortablyovertherailwaycushions,whilehiswifehastositboltuprightinthecornerlefttoher。
Letherhearhowothermenswear。Lethersmellothermen’stobacco。Hurryup,andgetheraccustomedquicklytothesightofmankind。Thenshewillbelesssurprisedandshockedasshegrowstoknowyou。OneofthebestfellowsIeverknewspoilthismarriedlifebeyondrepairbyalongquiethoneymoon。Theywentoffforamonthtoalonelycottageinsomeheaven-forsakenspot,whereneverasoulcamenearthem,andneverathinghappenedbutmorning,afternoon,andnight。Thereforthirtydayssheoverhauledhim。
Whenheyawned——andheyawnedprettyoften,Iguess,duringthatmonth——shethoughtofthesizeofhismouth,andwhenheputhisheelsuponthefendershesatandbroodedupontheshapeofhisfeet。Atmeal-time,notfeelinghungryherself,havingnothingtodotomakeherhungry,shewouldoccupyherselfwithwatchinghimeat;andatnight,notfeelingsleepyforthesamereason,shewouldlieawakeandlistentohissnoring。Afterthefirstdayortwohegrewtiredoftalkingnonsense,andsheoflisteningtoit(itsoundednonsensenowtheycouldspeakitaloud;theyhadfancieditpoetrywhentheyhadhadtowhisperit);andhavingnoothersubject,asyet,ofcommoninterest,theywouldsitandstareinfrontoftheminsilence。Onedaysometrifleirritatedhimandheswore。Onabusyrailwayplatform,orinacrowdedhotel,shewouldhavesaid,’Oh!’andtheywouldbothhavelaughed。Fromthatechoingdesertthesillywordsroseupinwideningcirclestowardsthesky,andthatnightshecriedherselftosleep。Bustlethem,mydearboy,bustlethem。Wealllikeeachotherbetterthelesswethinkaboutoneanother,andthehoneymoonisanexceptionallycriticaltime。Bustleher,mydearboy,bustleher。\"
MyveryworsthoneymoonexperiencetookplaceintheSouthofEnglandineighteenhundredand——well,nevermindtheexactdate,letussayafewyearsago。Iwasashyyoungmanatthattime。
Manycomplainofmyreservetothisday,butthensomegirlsexpecttoomuchfromaman。Weallhaveourshortcomings。Eventhen,however,Iwasnotsoshyasshe。WehadtotravelfromLyndhurstintheNewForesttoVentnor,anawkwardbitofcross-countryworkinthosedays。
\"It’ssofortunateyouaregoingtoo,\"saidheraunttomeontheTuesday;\"Minnieisalwaysnervoustravellingalone。Youwillbeabletolookafterher,andIshan’tbeanxious。
Isaiditwouldbeapleasure,andatthetimeIhonestlythoughtit。OntheWednesdayIwentdowntothecoachoffice,andbookedtwoplacesforLymington,fromwherewetookthesteamer。Ihadnotasuspicionoftrouble。
Thebooking-clerkwasanelderlyman。Hesaid——
\"I’vegottheboxseat,andtheendplaceonthebackbench。\"
Isaid——
\"Oh,can’tIhavetwotogether?\"
Hewasakindly-lookingoldfellow。Hewinkedatme。Iwonderedallthewayhomewhyhehadwinkedatme。Hesaid——
\"I’llmanageitsomehow。\"
Isaid——
\"It’sverykindofyou,I’msure。
Helaidhishandonmyshoulder。Hestruckmeasfamiliar,butwell-intentioned。Hesaid——
\"Wehaveallofusbeenthere。\"
IthoughthewasalludingtotheIsleofWight。Isaid——
\"Andthisisthebesttimeoftheyearforit,soI’mtold。\"Itwasearlysummertime。
Hesaid——\"It’sallrightinsummer,andit’sgoodenoughinwinter——
WHILEITLASTS。Youmakethemostofit,young’un;\"andheslappedmeonthebackandlaughed。
Hewouldhaveirritatedmeinanotherminute。Ipaidfortheseatsandlefthim。
Athalf-pasteightthenextmorningMinnieandIstartedforthecoach-office。IcallherMinnie,notwithanywishtobeimpertinent,butbecauseIhaveforgottenhersurname。ItmustbetenyearssinceIlastsawher。Shewasaprettygirl,too,withthosebrowneyesthatalwayscloudbeforetheylaugh。Herauntdidnotdrivedownwithusasshehadintended,inconsequenceofaheadache。Shewasgoodenoughtosayshefelteveryconfidenceinme。
Theoldbooking-clerkcaughtsightofuswhenwewereaboutaquarterofamileaway,anddrewtoustheattentionofthecoachman,whocommunicatedthefactofourapproachtothegatheredpassengers。Everybodyleftofftalking,andwaitedforus。Thebootsseizedhishorn,andblew——onecouldhardlycallitablast;
itwouldbedifficulttosaywhatheblew。Heputhisheartintoit,butnotsufficientwind。Ithinkhisintentionwastowelcomeus,butitsuggestedratherafeeblecurse。Welearntsubsequentlythathewasabeginnerontheinstrument。
Insomemysteriouswaythewholeaffairappearedtobeourparty。
Thebooking-clerkbustledupandhelpedMinniefromthecart。I
feared,foramoment,hewasgoingtokissher。ThecoachmangrinnedwhenIsaidgood-morningtohim。Thepassengersgrinned,thebootsgrinned。Twochamber-maidsandawaitercameoutfromthehotel,andtheygrinned。IdrewMinnieaside,andwhisperedtoher。
Isaid——
\"There’ssomethingfunnyaboutus。Allthesepeoplearegrinning。\"
Shewalkedroundme,andIwalkedroundher,butwecouldneitherofusdiscoveranythingamusingabouttheother。Thebooking-clerksaid——
\"It’sallright。I’vegotyouyoungpeopletwoplacesjustbehindthebox-seat。We’llhavetoputfiveofyouonthatseat。Youwon’tmindsittingabitclose,willyou?\"
Thebooking-clerkwinkedatthecoachman,thecoachmanwinkedatthepassengers,thepassengerswinkedatoneanother——thoseofthemwhocouldwink——andeverybodylaughed。Thetwochamber-maidsbecamehysterical,andhadtoclingtoeachotherforsupport。WiththeexceptionofMinnieandmyself,itseemedtobethemerriestcoachpartyeverassembledatLyndhurst。
Wehadtakenourplaces,andIwasstillbusytryingtofathomthejoke,whenastoutladyappearedonthescene,anddemandedtoknowherplace。
Theclerkexplainedtoherthatitwasinthemiddlebehindthedriver。
\"We’vehadtoputfiveofyouonthatseat,\"addedtheclerk。
Thestoutladylookedattheseat。
\"Fiveofuscan’tsqueezeintothat,\"shesaid。
Fiveofhercertainlycouldnot。Fourordinarysizedpeoplewithherwouldfindittight。
\"Verywellthen,\"saidtheclerk,\"youcanhavetheendplaceonthebackseat。\"
\"Nothingofthesort,\"saidthestoutlady。\"IbookedmyseatonMonday,andyoutoldmeanyofthefrontplaceswerevacant。
\"I’LLtakethebackplace,\"Isaid,\"Idon’tmindit。
\"Youstopwhereyouare,young’un,\"saidtheclerk,firmly,\"anddon’tbeafool。I’llfixHER。\"
Iobjectedtohislanguage,buthistonewaskindnessitself。
\"Oh,letMEhavethebackseat,\"saidMinnie,rising,\"I’dsolikeit。\"
Foranswerthecoachmanputbothhishandsonhershoulders。Hewasaheavyman,andshesatdownagain。
\"Nowthen,mum,\"saidtheclerk,addressingthestoutlady,\"areyougoingupthereinthemiddle,orareyoucominguphereattheback?\"
\"Butwhynotletoneofthemtakethebackseat?\"demandedthestoutlady,pointingherreticuleatMinnieandmyself;\"theysaythey’dlikeit。Letthemhaveit。\"
Thecoachmanrose,andaddressedhisremarksgenerally。
\"Putherupattheback,orleaveherbehind,\"hedirected。\"ManandwifehaveneverbeenseparatedonthiscoachsinceIstartedrunningitfifteenyearago,andtheyain’tgoingtobenow。\"
Ageneralcheergreetedthissentiment。Thestoutlady,nowregardedasawould-beblighteroflove’syoungdream,washustledintothebackseat,thewhipcracked,andawaywerolled。
Soherewastheexplanation。Wewereinahoneymoondistrict,inJune——themostpopularmonthinthewholeyearformarriage。EverytwooutofthreecouplesfoundwanderingabouttheNewForestinJunearehoneymooncouples;thethirdaregoingtobe。WhentheytravelanywhereitistotheIsleofWight。Webothhadonnewclothes。Ourbagshappenedtobenew。Bysomeevilchanceourveryumbrellaswerenew。Ourunitedageswerethirty-seven。ThewonderwouldhavebeenhadweNOTbeenmistakenforayoungmarriedcouple。
AdayofgreatermiseryIhaverarelypassed。ToMinnie,soherauntinformedmeafterwards,thejourneywasthemostterribleexperienceofherlife,butthenherexperience,uptothattime,hadbeenlimited。Shewasengaged,anddevotedlyattached,toayoungclergyman;IwasmadlyinlovewithasomewhatplumpgirlnamedCeciliawholivedwithhermotheratHampstead。IampositiveastoherlivingatHampstead。IremembersodistinctlymyweeklywalkdownthehillfromChurchRowtotheSwissCottagestation。
Whenwalkingdownasteephillalltheweightofthebodyisforcedintothetoeoftheboot,andwhenthebootistwosizestoosmallforyou,andyouhavebeenlivinginitsincetheearlyafternoon,yourememberathinglikethat。ButallmyrecollectionsofCeciliaarepainful,anditisneedlesstopursuethem。
Ourcoach-loadwasahomelyparty,andsomeofthejokeswerebroad——harmlessenoughinthemselves,hadMinnieandIreallybeenthemarriedcoupleweweresupposedtobe,buteveninthatcaseunnecessary。IcanonlyhopethatMinniedidnotunderstandthem。
Anyhow,shelookedasifshedidn’t。
Iforgetwherewestoppedforlunch,butIrememberthatlambandmintsaucewasonthetable,andthatthecircumstanceaffordedthegreatestdelighttoalltheparty,withtheexceptionofthestoutlady,whowasstillindignant,Minnieandmyself。Aboutmybehaviourasabridegroomopinionappearedtobedivided。\"He’sabitstandoffishwithher,\"Ioverheardoneladyremarktoherhusband;\"Iliketosee’emabitkittenishmyself。\"Ayoungwaitress,ontheotherhand,Iamhappytosay,showedmoresenseofnaturalreserve。\"Well,Irespecthimforit,\"shewassayingtothebarmaid,aswepassedthroughthehall;\"I’djusthatetobefuzzledoverwitheverybodylookingon。\"Nobodytookthetroubletodroptheirvoicesforourbenefit。Wemighthavebeenapairofprizelovebirdsonexhibition,thewaywewereopenlydiscussed。
Bythemajoritywewereclearlyregardedasasulkyyoungcouplewhowouldnotgothroughtheirtricks。
Ihaveoftenwonderedsincehowarealmarriedcouplewouldhavefacedthesituation。Possibly,hadweconsentedtogiveashortdisplayofmaritalaffection,\"bydesire,\"wemighthavebeenleftinpeacefortheremainderofthejourney。
Ourreputationprecededusontothesteamboat。Minniebeggedandprayedmetoletitbeknownwewerenotmarried。HowIwastoletitbeknown,exceptbyrequestingthecaptaintosummonthewholeship’scompanyondeck,andthenmakingthemashortspeech,Icouldnotthink。Minniesaidshecouldnotbearitanylonger,andretiredtotheladies’cabin。Shewentoffcrying。Hertroublewasattributedbycrewandpassengerstomycoldness。Onefoolplantedhimselfoppositemewithhislegsapart,andshookhisheadatme。
\"Godownandcomforther,\"hebegan。\"Takeanoldman’sadvice。
Putyourarmsaroundher。\"(Hewasoneofthosesentimentalidiots。)\"Tellherthatyouloveher。\"
Itoldhimtogoandhanghimself,withsomuchvigourthatheallbutfelloverboard。Hewassavedbyapoultrycrate:Ihadnoluckthatday。
AtRydetheguard,bysuperhumaneffort,contrivedtokeepusacarriagetoourselves。Igavehimashilling,becauseIdidnotknowwhatelsetodo。Iwouldhavemadeithalf-a-sovereignifhehadputeightotherpassengersinwithus。Ateverystationpeoplecametothewindowtolookinatus。
IhandedMinnieovertoherfatheronVentnorplatform;andItookthefirsttrainthenextmorning,toLondon。IfeltIdidnotwanttoseeheragainforalittlewhile;andIfeltconvincedshecoulddowithoutavisitfromme。Ournextmeetingtookplacetheweekbeforehermarriage。
\"Whereareyougoingtospendyourhoneymoon?\"Iaskedher;\"intheNewForest?\"
\"No,\"shereplied;\"norintheIsleofWight。\"
Toenjoythehumourofanincidentonemustbeatsomedistancefromiteitherintimeorrelationship。IrememberwatchinganamusingsceneinWhitefieldStreet,justoffTottenhamCourtRoad,onewinter’sSaturdaynight。Awoman——aratherrespectablelookingwoman,hadherhatonlybeenonstraight——hadjustbeenshotoutofapublic-house。Shewasverydignified,andverydrunk。A
policemanrequestedhertomoveon。Shecalledhim\"Fellow,\"anddemandedtoknowofhimifheconsideredthatwasthepropertoneinwhichtoaddressalady。Shethreatenedtoreporthimtohercousin,theLordChancellor。
\"Yes;thiswaytotheLordChancellor,\"retortedthepoliceman。
\"Youcomealongwithme;\"andhecaughtholdofherbythearm。
Shegavealurch,andnearlyfell。Tosaveherthemanputhisarmroundherwaist。Sheclaspedhimroundtheneck,andtogethertheyspunroundtwoorthreetimes;whileattheverymomentapiano-
organattheoppositecornerstruckupawaltz。
\"Chooseyourpartners,gentlemen,forthenextdance,\"shoutedawag,andthecrowdroared。
Iwaslaughingmyself,forthesituationwasundeniablycomical,theconstable’sexpressionofdisgustbeingquiteHogarthian,whenthesightofachild’sfacebeneaththegas-lampstayedme。HerlookwassofullofterrorthatItriedtocomforther。
\"It’sonlyadrunkenwoman,\"Isaid;\"he’snotgoingtohurther。\"
\"Please,sir,\"wastheanswer,\"it’smymother。\"
Ourjokeisgenerallyanother’spain。Themanwhositsdownonthetin-tackrarelyjoinsinthelaughONTHEMINDINGOFOTHERPEOPLE’SBUSINESS
IwalkedonebrightSeptembermorningintheStrand。IloveLondonbestintheautumn。Thenonlycanoneseethegleamofitswhitepavements,thebold,unbrokenoutlineofitsstreets。Ilovethecoolvistasonecomesacrossofmorningsintheparks,thesofttwilightsthatlingerintheemptybye-streets。InJunetherestaurantmanagerisoff-handwithme;IfeelIambutinhisway。
InAugusthespreadsformethetablebythewindow,poursoutformemywinewithhisownfathands。Icannotdoubthisregardforme:myfoolishjealousiesarestilled。DoIcareforadriveafterdinnerthroughthecaressingnightair,Icanclimbtheomnibusstairwithoutapreliminaryfightuponthecurb,cansitwitheasyconscienceandunsquashedbody,notfeelingIhavedeprivedsomehot,tiredwomanofaseat。DoIdesiretheplay,noharsh,forbidding\"Housefull\"boardrepelsmefromthedoor。Duringherseason,London,aharassedhostess,hasnotimeforus,herintimates。Herroomsareovercrowded,herservantsoverworked,herdinnershurriedlycooked,hertoneinsincere。Inthespring,tobetruthful,thegreatladycondescendstobesomewhatvulgar——noisyandostentatious。Nottilltheguestsaredepartedissheherselfagain,theLondonthatwe,herchildren,love。
Haveyou,gentleReader,everseenLondon——nottheLondonofthewakingday,coatedwithcrawlinglife,asablossomwithblight,buttheLondonofthemorning,freedfromherrags,thepatientcity,cladinmists?GetyouupwiththedawnoneSundayinsummertime。
Wakenoneelse,butcreepdownstealthilyintothekitchen,andmakeyourownteaandtoast。
Becarefulyoustumblenotoverthecat。Shewillwormherselfinsidiouslybetweenyourlegs。Itisherway;shemeansitinfriendship。Neitherbarkyourshinsagainstthecoal-box。Whythekitchencoal-boxhasitsfixedplaceinthedirectlinebetweenthekitchendoorandthegas-bracketIcannotsay。Imerelyknowitasanuniversallaw;andIwouldthatyouescapedthatcoal-box,lesttheframeofmindIdesireforyouonthisSabbathmorningbedissipated。
Aspoontostiryourtea,Ifearyoumustdispensewith。Knivesandforksyouwilldiscoverinplenty;blackingbrushesyouwillputyourhanduponineverydrawer;ofemerypaper,didonerequireit,therearereams;butitisapointwitheveryhousekeeperthatthespoonsbehiddeninadifferentplaceeachnight。Ifanybodyexceptingherselfcanfindtheminthemorning,itisasluruponher。Nomatter,astickoffirewood,sharpenedatoneend,makesanexcellentsubstitute。
Yourbreakfastdone,turnoutthegas,remountthestairsquietly,opengentlythefrontdoorandslipout。Youwillfindyourselfinanunknownland。Astrangecitygrownroundyouinthenight。
Thesweetlongstreetsliesilentinsunlight。NotalivingthingistobeseensavesomeleanTomthatslinksfromhisgutterfeastasyouapproach。Fromsometreetherewillsoundperhapsafretfulchirp:buttheLondonsparrowisnoearlyriser;heisbuttalkinginhissleep。Theslowtrampofunseenpolicemandrawsnearordiesaway。Theclatterofyourownfootstepsgoeswithyou,troublingyou。Youfindyourselftryingtowalksoftly,asonedoesinechoingcathedrals。Avoiceiseverywhereaboutyouwhisperingtoyou\"Hush。\"Isthismillion-breastedCitythensometenderArtemis,seekingtokeepherbabesasleep?\"Hush,youcarelesswayfarer;donotwakenthem。Walklighter;theyaresotired,thesemyriadchildrenofmine,sleepinginmythousandarms。Theyareover-workedandover-worried;somanyofthemaresick,somanyfretful,manyofthem,alas,sofullofnaughtiness。Butallofthemsotired。Hush!theyworrymewiththeirnoiseandriotwhentheyareawake。Theyaresogoodnowtheyareasleep。Walklightly,letthemrest。\"
Wheretheebbingtideflowssoftlythroughwornarchestothesea,youmayhearthestone-facedCitytalkingtotherestlesswaters:
\"Whywillyouneverstaywithme?Whycomebuttogo?\"
\"Icannotsay,Idonotunderstand。FromthedeepseaIcome,butonlyasabirdloosedfromachild’shandwithacord。WhenshecallsImustreturn。\"
\"Itissowiththesechildrenofmine。Theycometome,Iknownotwhence。Inursethemforalittlewhile,tillahandIdonotseeplucksthemback。Andotherstaketheirplace。\"
Throughthestillairtherepassesarippleofsound。ThesleepingCitystirswithafaintsigh。Adistantmilk-cartrattlingbyraisesathousandechoes;itisthevanguardofayokedarmy。Soonfromeverystreetthererisesthesoothingcry,\"Mee’hilk——mee’hilk。\"
LondonlikesomeGargantuanbabe,isawake,cryingforitsmilk。
Thesebethewhite-smockednurseshasteningwithitsmorningnourishment。Theearlychurchbellsring。\"Youhavehadyourmilk,littleLondon。Nowcomeandsayyourprayers。Anotherweekhasjustbegun,babyLondon。Godknowswhatwillhappen,sayyourprayers。\"
Onebyonethelittlecreaturescreepfrombehindtheblindsintothestreets。ThebroodingtendernessisvanishedfromtheCity’sface。Thefretfulnoisesofthedayhavecomeagain。Silence,herloverofthenight,kissesherstonelips,andstealsaway。Andyou,gentleReader,returnhome,garlandedwiththeself-sufficiencyoftheearlyriser。
Butitwasofacertainweek-daymorning,intheStrandthatIwasthinking。IwasstandingoutsideGatti’sRestaurant,whereIhadjustbreakfasted,listeningleisurelytoanargumentbetweenanindignantladypassenger,presumablyofIrishextraction,andanomnibusconductor。
\"Forwhatd’yewantthintopaintPutneyonye’rbus,ifyedon’tGO
toPutney?\"saidthe,lady。
\"WeDOgotoPutney,\"saidtheconductor。
\"Thinwhydidyeputmeouthere?\"
\"Ididn’tputyouout,yergotout。\"
\"Shure,didn’tthegintlemaninthecornertellmeIwascomin’
furtherawayfromPutneyiveryminit?\"
\"Wal,andsoyerwas。\"
\"Thinwhoydidn’tyoutellme?\"
\"HowwasItoknowyerwantedtogotoPutney?YersingsoutPutney,andIstopsandinyerjumps。\"
\"Andforwhatd’yethinkIcalledoutPutneythin?\"
\"’Causeit’smyname,orraytherthebus’sname。This’ereISaPutney。\"
\"HowcanitbeaPutneywhinitisn’tgoin’toPutney,yegomerhawk?\"
\"Ain’tyouanHirishwoman?\"retortedtheconductor。\"Courseyerare。Butyeraren’talwaysgoin’toIreland。We’regoin’toPutneyintime,onlywe’rea-goingtoLiverpoolStreetfust。’Igherup,Jim。\"
Thebusmovedon,andIwasaboutcrosstheroad,whenaman,mutteringsavagelytohimself,walkedintome。HewouldhavesweptpastmehadInot,recognizinghim,arrestedhim。ItwasmyfriendB————-,abusyeditorofmagazinesandjournals。Itwassomesecondsbeforeheappearedabletostruggleoutofhisabstraction,andrememberhimself。\"Halloo,\"hethensaid,\"whowouldhavethoughtofseeingYOUhere?\"
\"Tojudgebythewayyouwerewalking,\"Ireplied,\"onewouldimaginetheStrandthelastplaceinwhichyouexpectedtoseeanyhumanbeing。Doyoueverwalkintoashort-tempered,muscularman?\"
\"DidIwalkintoyou?\"heaskedsurprised。