No,Cinderella,youwerehuman,thatisall。Theartist,shiveringinhisconventionalattic,dreamingofFame!-doyouthinkheisnothopingshewillcometohislovingarmsintheformJovecametoDanae?Doyouthinkheisnotreckoningalsouponthegooddinnersandthebigcigars,thefurcoatandthediamondstuds,thathervisitswillenablehimtopurchase?
Thereisacertainpictureverypopularjustnow。Youmayseeit,Cinderella,inmanyoftheshop-windowsofthetown。Itiscalled\"TheDreamofLove,\"anditrepresentsabeautifulyounggirl,sleepinginaverybeautifulbutsomewhatdisarrangedbed。Indeed,onehopes,forthesleeper’ssake,thatthenightiswarm,andthattheroomisfairlyfreefromdraughts。Aladderoflightstreamsdownfromtheskyintotheroom,anduponthisladdercrowdandjostleoneanotherasmallarmyofplumpCupids,eachoneladenwithsomepledgeoflove。TwooftheImpsareemptyingasackofjewelsuponthefloor。Fourothersarebearing,welldisplayed,amagnificentdress(a\"confection,\"Ibelieve,istheproperterm)
cutsomewhatlow,butmakingupintrainwhatislackingelsewhere。
Othersbearbonnetboxesfromwhichpeepstylishtoquesandbewitchinghoods。Some,representingevidentlywholesalehouses,staggerundersilksandsatinsinthepiece。Cupidsaretherefromtheshoemakerswiththedaintiestofbottines。Stockings,garters,andevenlessmentionablearticles,arenotforgotten。Caskets,mirrors,twelve-buttonedgloves,scent-bottlesandhandkerchiefs,hair-pins,andthegayestofparasols,hastheGodofLovepiledintothearmsofhismessengers。Reallyamostpractical,up-to-
dateGodofLove,movingwiththetimes!OnefeelsthatthemodernTempleofLovemustbeasortofSwanandEdgar’s;thegodhimselfakindofcelestialshop-walker;whilehismother,Venus,nodoubtsuperintendsthecostumedepartment。QuiteanOlympianWhiteley,thislatter-dayEros;hehasforgottennothing,for,atthebackofthepicture,InoticeoneCupidcarryingaratherfatheartattheendofastring。
You,Cinderella,couldgivegoodcounseltothatsleepingchild。
Youwouldsaytoher——\"Awakefromsuchdreams。Thecontentsofapawnbroker’sstore-roomwillnotbringyouhappiness。Dreamofloveifyouwill;thatisawisedream,evenifitremaineveradream。
Butthesecolouredbeads,theseManchestergoods!areyouthen——you,heiressofalltheages——stillatheartonlyassomepoorsavagemaidenbutlittleremovedabovethemonkeysthatsharetheprimevalforestwithher?WillyousellyourgoldtothefirsttraderthatbringsyouTHISbarter?Thesethings,child,willonlydazzleyoureyesforafewdays。DoyouthinktheBurlingtonArcadeisthegateofHeaven?\"
Ah,yes,Itoocouldtalklikethat——I,writerofbooks,totheyounglad,sickofhisofficestool,dreamingofaliterarycareerleadingtofameandfortune。\"Anddoyouthink,lad,thatbythatroadyouwillreachHappinesssoonerthanbyanother?Doyouthinkinterviewswithyourselfinpennyweeklieswillbringyouanysatisfactionafterthefirsthalfdozen?Doyouthinkthegushingfemalewhohasreadallyourbooks,andwhowonderswhatitmustfeelliketobesoclever,willbewelcometoyouthetenthtimeyoumeether?Doyouthinkpresscuttingswillalwaysconsistofwonderingadmirationofyourgenius,ofparagraphsaboutyourcharmingpersonalappearanceundertheheading,’OurCelebrities’?
HaveyouthoughtoftheUncomplimentarycriticisms,ofthespitefulparagraphs,oftheeverlastingfearofslippingafewinchesdownthegreasypolecalled’populartaste,’towhichyouarecondemnedtoclingforlife,assomelessercriminaltohiswearytread-mill,strugglingwithnohopebutnottofall!Makeahome,lad,forthewomanwholovesyou;gatheroneortwofriendsaboutyou;work,think,andplay,thatwillbringyouhappiness。Shunthisroaringgingerbreadfairthatcallsitself,forsooth,the’Worldofartandletters。’Letitsclownsanditscontortionistsfightamongthemselvesfortheplauditsandthehalfpenceofthemob。Letitbewithitsshoutinganditssurging,itsblareanditscheapflare。
Comeaway,thesummer’snightisjusttheothersideofthehedge,withitssilenceanditsstars。\"
YouandI,Cinderella,areexperiencedpeople,andcanthereforeoffergoodadvice,butdoyouthinkweshouldbelistenedto?
\"Ah,no,myPrinceisnotasyours。Minewilllovemealways,andI
ampeculiarlyfittedforthelifeofapalace。Ihavetheinstinctandtheabilityforit。IamsureIwasmadeforaprincess。Thankyou,Cinderella,foryourwell-meantcounsel,butthereismuchdifferencebetweenyouandme。\"
Thatistheansweryouwouldreceive,Cinderella;andmyyoungfriendwouldsaytome,\"Yes,IcanunderstandYOURfindingdisappointmentintheliterarycareer;butthen,yousee,ourcasesarenotquitesimilar。_I_amnotlikelytofindmuchtroubleinkeepingmyposition。_I_shallnotfearreadingwhatthecriticssayofME。Nodoubttherearedisadvantages,whenyouareamongtheruck,butthereisalwaysplentyofroomatthetop。Sothankyou,andgoodbye。\"
Besides,Cinderelladear,weshouldnotquitemeanit——thisexcellentadvice。Wehavegrownaccustomedtothesegew-gaws,andweshouldmisstheminspiteofourknowledgeoftheirtrashiness:
you,yourpalaceandyourlittlegoldcrown;I,mymountebank’scap,andtheansweringlaughthatgoesupfromthecrowdwhenIshakemybells。Wewanteverything。Allthehappinessthatearthandheavenarecapableofbestowing。Creaturecomforts,andheartandsoulcomfortsalso;and,proud-spiritedbeingsthatweare,wewillnotbeputoffwithapart。Giveusonlyeverything,andwewillbecontent。And,afterall,Cinderella,youhavehadyourday。Somelittledogsnevergettheirs。Youmustnotbegreedy。YouhaveKNOWNhappiness。ThepalacewasParadiseforthosefewmonths,andthePrince’sarmswereaboutyou,Cinderella,thePrince’skissesonyourlips;thegodsthemselvescannottakeTHATfromyou。
Thecakecannotlastforeverifwewilleatofitsogreedily。
Theremustcomethedaywhenwehavepickedhungrilythelastcrumb——
whenwesitstaringattheemptyboard,nothingleftofthefeast,Cinderella,butthepainthatcomesoffeasting。
Itisanaiveconfession,poorHumanNaturehasmadetoitself,inchoosing,asithas,thisstoryofCinderellaforitsleadingmoral:——Begood,littlegirl。Bemeekunderyourmanytrials。Begentleandkind,inspiteofyourhardlot,andoneday——youshallmarryaprinceandrideinyourowncarriage。Bebraveandtrue,littleboy。Workhardandwaitwithpatience,andintheend,withGod’sblessing,youshallearnrichesenoughtocomebacktoLondontownandmarryyourmaster’sdaughter。
YouandI,gentleReader,couldteachtheseyoungfolksatruerlesson,anwewould。Weknow,alas!thattheroadofallthevirtuesdoesnotleadtowealth,ratherthecontrary;elsehowexplainourlimitedincomes?Butwoulditbewell,thinkyou,totellthembluntlythetruth——thathonestyisthemostexpensiveluxuryamancanindulgein;thatvirtue,ifpersistedin,leads,generallyspeaking,toasix-roomedhouseinanoutlyingsuburb?
Maybetheworldiswise:thefictionhasitsuses。
Iamacquaintedwithafairlyintelligentyounglady。Shecanreadandwrite,knowshertablesuptosixtimes,andcanargue。I
regardherasrepresentativeofaverageHumanityinitsattitudetowardsFate;andthisisadialogueIlatelyoverheardbetweenherandanolderladywhoisgoodenoughtooccasionallyimparttoherthewisdomoftheworld——
\"I’vebeengoodthismorning,haven’tI?\"
\"Yes——ohyes,fairlygood,foryou。\"
\"YouthinkPapaWILLtakemetothecircusto-night?\"
\"Yes,ifyoukeepgood。Ifyoudon’tgetnaughtythisafternoon。\"
Apause。
\"IwasgoodonMonday,youmayremember,nurse。\"
\"Tolerablygood。\"
\"VERYgood,yousaid,nurse。\"
\"Well,yes,youweren’tbad。\"
\"AndIwastohavegonetothepantomime,andIdidn’t。\"
\"Well,thatwasbecauseyourauntcameupsuddenly,andyourPapacouldn’tgetanotherseat。Poorauntiewouldn’thavegoneatallifshehadn’tgonethen。\"
\"Oh,wouldn’tshe?\"
\"No。\"
Anotherpause。
\"Doyouthinkshe’llcomeupsuddenlyto-day?\"
\"Ohno,Idon’tthinkso。\"
\"No,Ihopeshedoesn’t。Iwanttogotothecircusto-night。
Because,yousee,nurse,ifIdon’titwilldiscourageme。\"
So,perhapstheworldiswiseinpromisingusthecircus。Webelieveheratfirst。Butafterawhile,Ifear,wegrowdiscouraged。
ONTHEEXCEPTIONALMERITATTACHINGTOTHETHINGSWEMEANTTODO
Icanremember——butthenIcanrememberalongtimeago。You,gentleReader,justenteringupontheprimeoflife,thatagebythoughtlessyouthcalledmiddle,Icannot,ofcourse,expecttofollowme——whentherewasingreatdemandacertainperiodicalyclepedTheAmateur。Itsaimwasnoble。Itsoughttoteachthebeautifullessonofindependence,toinculcatethefinedoctrineofself-help。Onechapterexplainedtoamanhowhemightmakeflower-potsoutofAustralianmeatcans;anotherhowhemightturnbutter-tubsintomusic-stools;athirdhowhemightutilizeoldbonnetboxesforVenetianblinds:thatwastheprincipleofthewholescheme,youmadeeverythingfromsomethingnotintendedforit,andasill-suitedtothepurposeaspossible。
Twopages,Idistinctlyrecollect,weredevotedtotheencouragementofthemanufactureofumbrellastandsoutofoldgaspiping。
Anythinglessadaptedtothereceiptofhatsandumbrellasthangas-pipingIcannotmyselfconceive:hadtherebeen,Ifeelsuretheauthorwouldhavethoughtofit,andwouldhaverecommendedit。
Picture-framesyoufashionedoutofgingerbeercorks。Yousavedyourginger-beercorks,youfoundapicture——andthethingwascomplete。Howmuchginger-beeritwouldbenecessarytodrink,preparatorytothemakingofeachframe;andtheeffectofitupontheframe-maker’sphysical,mentalandmoralwell-being,didnotconcernTheAmateur。Icalculatethatforafair-sizedpicturesixteendozenbottlesmightsuffice。Whether,aftersixteendozenofginger-beer,amanwouldtakeanyinterestinframingapicture——
whetherhewouldretainanyprideinthepictureitself,isdoubtful。Butthis,ofcourse,wasnotthepoint。
Oneyounggentlemanofmyacquaintance——thesonofthegardenerofmysister,asfriendOllendorffwouldhavedescribedhim——didsucceedingettingthroughsufficientginger-beertoframehisgrandfather,buttheresultwasnotencouraging。Indeed,thegardener’swifeherselfwasbutillsatisfied。
\"What’sallthemcorksroundfather?\"washerfirstquestion。
\"Can’tyousee,\"wasthesomewhatindignantreply,\"that’stheframe。\"
\"Oh!butwhycorks?\"
\"Well,thebooksaidcorks。\"
Stilltheoldladyremainedunimpressed。
\"Somehowitdon’tlooklikefathernow,\"shesighed。
Hereldestborngrewirritable:noneofusappreciatecriticism!
\"Whatdoesitlooklike,then?\"hegrowled。
\"Well,Idunno。Seemstometolooklikenothingbutcorks。\"
Theoldlady’sviewwascorrect。Certainschoolsofartpossiblylendthemselvestothismethodofframing。Imyselfhaveseenafuneralcardimprovedbyit;but,generallyspeaking,theconsequencewasapredominanceofframeattheexpenseofthethingframed。Themorehonestandtastefuloftheframemakerswouldadmitasmuchthemselves。
\"Yes,itisuglywhenyoulookatit,\"saidonetome,aswestoodsurveyingitfromthecentreoftheroom。\"Butwhatonefeelsaboutitisthatonehasdoneitoneself。\"
Whichreflection,Ihavenoticed,reconcilesustomanyotherthingsbesidecorkframes。
Anotheryounggentlemanfriendofmine——forIamboundtoadmititwasyouththatprofitedmostbytheadviceandcounselofTheAmateur:Isupposeasonegrowsolderonegrowslessdaring,lessindustrious——madearocking-chair,accordingtotheinstructionsofthisbook,outofacoupleofbeerbarrels。Fromeverypracticalpointofviewitwasabadrocking-chair。Itrockedtoomuch,anditrockedintoomanydirectionsatoneandthesametime。Itakeit,amansittingonarocking-chairdoesnotwanttobecontinuallyrocking。Therecomesatimewhenhesaystohimself——\"NowIhaverockedsufficientlyforthepresent;nowIwillsitstillforawhile,lestaworsethingbefallme。\"Butthiswasoneofthoseheadstrongrocking-chairsthatareadangertohumanity,andanuisancetothemselves。Itsnotionwasthatitwasmadetorock,andthatwhenitwasnotrocking,itwaswastingitstime。Oncestartednothingcouldstopit——nothingeverdidstopit,untilitfounditselftopsyturvyonitsownoccupant。Thatwastheonlythingthateversoberedit。
Ihadcalled,andhadbeenshownintotheemptydrawing-room。Therocking-chairnoddedinvitinglyatme。Ineverguesseditwasanamateurrocking-chair。Iwasyounginthosedays,withfaithinhumannature,andIimaginedthat,whateverelseamanmightattemptwithoutknowledgeorexperience,noonewouldbefoolenoughtoexperimentuponarocking-chair。
Ithrewmyselfintoitlightlyandcarelessly。Iimmediatelynoticedtheceiling。Imadeaninstinctivemovementforward。Thewindowandamomentaryglimpseofthewoodedhillsbeyondshotupwardsanddisappeared。Thecarpetflashedacrossmyeyes,andI
caughtsightofmyownbootsvanishingbeneathmeattherateofabouttwohundredmilesanhour。Imadeaconvulsiveefforttorecoverthem。IsupposeIover-didit。Isawthewholeoftheroomatonce,thefourwalls,theceiling,andtheflooratthesamemoment。Itwasasortofvision。Isawthecottagepianoupsidedown,andIagainsawmyownbootsflashpastme,thistimeovermyhead,solesuppermost。NeverbeforehadIbeeninapositionwheremyownbootshadseemedsoall-pervading。ThenextmomentIlostmyboots,andstoppedthecarpetwithmyheadjustasitwasrushingpastme。Atthesameinstantsomethinghitmeviolentlyinthesmalloftheback。Reason,whenrecovered,suggestedthatmyassailantmustbetherocking-chair。
Investigationprovedthesurmisecorrect。FortunatelyIwasstillalone,andinconsequencewasable,afewminuteslater,tomeetmyhostesswithcalmanddignity。Isaidnothingabouttherocking-chair。Asamatteroffact,Iwashopingtohavethepleasure,beforeIwent,ofseeingsomeotherguestarriveandsampleit:Ihadpurposelyreplaceditinthemostprominentandconvenientposition。ButthoughIfeltcapableofschoolingmyselftosilence,Ifoundmyselfunabletoagreewithmyhostesswhenshecalledformyadmirationofthething。Myrecentexperienceshadtoodeeplyembitteredme。
\"Williemadeithimself,\"explainedthefondmother。\"Don’tyouthinkitwasverycleverofhim?\"
\"Ohyes,itwasclever,\"Ireplied,\"Iamwillingtoadmitthat。\"
\"Hemadeitoutofsomeoldbeerbarrels,\"shecontinued;sheseemedproudofit。
Myresentment,thoughItriedtokeepitundercontrol,wasmountinghigher。
\"Oh!didhe?\"Isaid;\"Ishouldhavethoughthemighthavefoundsomethingbettertodowiththem。\"
\"What?\"sheasked。
\"Oh!well,manythings,\"Iretorted。\"Hemighthavefilledthemagainwithbeer。\"
Myhostesslookedatmeastonished。Ifeltsomereasonformytonewasexpected。
\"Yousee,\"Iexplained,\"itisnotawell-madechair。Theserockersaretooshort,andtheyaretoocurved,andoneofthem,ifyounotice,ishigherthantheotherandofasmallerradius;thebackisattooobtuseanangle。Whenitisoccupiedthecentreofgravitybecomes——\"
Myhostessinterruptedme。
\"Youhavebeensittingonit,\"shesaid。
\"Notforlong,\"Iassuredher。
Hertonechanged。Shebecameapologetic。
\"Iamsosorry,\"shesaid。\"Itlooksallright。\"
\"Itdoes,\"Iagreed;\"thatiswherethedearlad’sclevernessdisplaysitself。Itsappearancedisarmssuspicion。Withjudgmentthatchairmightbemadetoserveareallyusefulpurpose。Therearemutualacquaintancesofours——Imentionnonames,youwillknowthem——pompous,self-satisfied,superiorpersonswhowouldbeimprovedbythatchair。IfIwereWillieIshoulddisguisethemechanismwithsomeartisticdrapery,baitthethingwithacoupleofexceptionallyinvitingcushions,andemployittoinculcatemodestyanddiffidence。Idefyanyhumanbeingtogetoutofthatchair,feelingasimportantaswhenhegotintoit。Whatthedearboyhasdonehasbeentoconstructanautomaticexponentofthetransitorynatureofhumangreatness。Asamoralagencythatchairshouldproveablessingindisguise。\"
Myhostesssmiledfeebly;more,Ifear,frompolitenessthangenuineenjoyment。
\"Ithinkyouaretoosevere,\"shesaid。\"Whenyourememberthattheboyhasnevertriedhishandatanythingofthekindbefore,thathehasnoknowledgeandnoexperience,itreallyisnotsobad。\"
ConsideringthematterfromthatpointofviewIwasboundtoconcur。IdidnotliketosuggesttoherthatbeforeenteringuponadifficulttaskitwouldbebetterforyoungmentoACQUIRE
knowledgeandexperience:thatissounpopularatheory。
ButthethingthatTheAmateurputinthefrontandforemostofitspropagandawasthemanufactureofhouseholdfurnitureoutofegg-boxes。Whyegg-boxesIhaveneverbeenabletounderstand,butegg-boxes,accordingtotheprescriptionofTheAmateur,formedthefoundationofhouseholdexistence。Withasufficientsupplyofegg-boxes,andwhatTheAmateurtermeda\"naturaldeftness,\"noyoungcoupleneedhesitatetofacethefurnishingproblem。Threeegg-boxesmadeawriting-table;onanotheregg-boxyousattowrite;
yourbookswererangedinegg-boxesaroundyou——andtherewasyourstudy,complete。
Forthedining-roomtwoegg-boxesmadeanovermantel;fouregg-boxesandapieceoflooking-glassasideboard;whilesixegg-boxes,withsomewaddingandayardorsoofcretonne,constitutedaso-called\"cosycorner。\"Aboutthe\"corner\"therecouldbenopossibledoubt。
Yousatonacorner,youleantagainstacorner;whicheverwayyoumovedyoustruckafreshcorner。The\"cosiness,\"however,Ideny。
Egg-boxesIadmitcanbemadeuseful;Iamevenpreparedtoimaginethemornamental;but\"cosy,\"no。Ihavesampledegg-boxesinmanyshapes。Ispeakofyearsago,whentheworldandwewereyounger,whenourfortunewastheFuture;secureinwhich,wehesitatednottosetuphouseuponincomesfolkswithlesserexpectationsmighthavedeemedinsufficient。Undersuchcircumstances,thesolealternativetotheegg-box,orsimilarschooloffurniture,wouldhavebeenthestrictlyclassical,consistingofadoorwayjoinedtoarchitecturalproportions。
IhavefromSaturdaytoMonday,ashonouredguest,hungmyclothesinegg-boxes。
Ihavesatonanegg-boxatanegg-boxtotakemydishoftea。I
havemadeloveonegg-boxes。——Aye,andtofeelagainthebloodrunningthroughmyveinsasthenitran,Iwouldbecontenttositonlyonegg-boxestillthetimeshouldcomewhenIcouldbeburiedinanegg-box,withanegg-boxrearedabovemeastombstone。——Ihavespentmanyaneveningonanegg-box;Ihavegonetobedinegg-boxes。Theyhavetheirpoints——Iamintendingnopun——buttoclaimforthemcosinesswouldbebuttodeceive。
Howquainttheywere,thosehome-maderooms!Theyriseoutoftheshadowsandshapethemselvesagainbeforemyeyes。Iseetheknobblysofa;theeasy-chairsthatmighthavebeendesignedbytheGrandInquisitorhimself;thedentedsettlethatwasabedbynight;
thefewblueplates,purchasedintheslumsoffWardourStreet;theenamelledstooltowhichonealwaysstuck;themirrorframedinsilk;thetwoJapanesefanscrossedbeneatheachcheapengraving;
thepianoclothembroideredinpeacock’sfeathersbyAnnie’ssister;
thetea-clothworkedbyCousinJenny。Wedreamt,sittingonthoseegg-boxes——forwewereyoungladiesandgentlemenwithartistictaste——ofthedayswhenwewouldeatinChippendaledining-rooms;
sipourcoffeeinLouisQuatorzedrawing-rooms;andbehappy。Well,wehavegoton,someofus,sincethen,asMr。Bumpususedtosay;
andInotice,whenonvisits,thatsomeofushavecontrivedsothatwedositonChippendalechairs,atSheratondining-tables,andarewarmedfromAdam’sfireplaces;but,ahme,wherearethedreams,thehopes,theenthusiasmsthatclunglikethescentofaMarchmorningaboutthosegim-cracksecondfloors?Inthedustbin,Ifear,withthecretonne-coveredegg-boxesandthepennyfans。Fateissoterriblyeven-handed。Asshegivessheevertakesaway。Sheflungusafewshillingsandhope,wherenowshedolesusoutpoundsandfears。Whydidnotweknowhowhappywewere,sittingcrownedwithsweetconceituponouregg-boxthrones?
Yes,Dick,youhaveclimbedwell。Youeditagreatnewspaper。Youspreadabroadthemessage——well,themessagethatSirJosephGoldbug,yourproprietor,instructsyoutospreadabroad。YouteachmankindthelessonsthatSirJosephGoldbugwishesthemtolearn。
Theysayheistohaveapeeragenextyear。Iamsurehehasearnedit;andperhapstheremaybeaknighthoodforyou,Dick。
Tom,youaregettingonnow。Youhaveabandonedthoseunsaleableallegories。WhatrichartpatroncarestobetoldcontinuallybyhisownwallsthatMidashadass’sears;thatLazarussitseveratthegate?Youpaintportraitsnow,andeverybodytellsmeyouarethecomingman。That\"Impression\"ofoldLadyJezebelwasreallywonderful。Thewomanlooksquitehandsome,andyetitisherladyship。Yourtouchistrulymarvellous。
Butintoyoursuccess,Tom——Dick,oldfriend,donottherecreepmomentswhenyouwouldthatwecouldfishupthoseoldegg-boxesfromthepast,refurnishwiththemthedingyroomsinCamdenTown,andfindthereouryouth,ourloves,andourbeliefs?
Anincidentbroughtbacktomymind,theotherday,thethoughtofallthesethings。Icalledforthefirsttimeuponaman,anactor,whohadaskedmetocomeandseehiminthelittlehomewhereheliveswithhisoldfather。Tomyastonishment——forthecraze,I
believe,haslongsincediedout——Ifoundthehousehalffurnishedoutofpackingcases,buttertubs,andegg-boxes。Myfriendearnshistwentypoundsaweek,butitwastheoldfather’shobby,soheexplainedtome,themakingofthesemonstrosities;andofthemhewasasproudasthoughtheywerespecimenfurnitureoutoftheSouthKensingtonMuseum。
Hetookmeintothedining-roomtoshowmethelatestoutrage——anewbook-case。Agreaterdisfigurementtotheroom,whichwasotherwiseprettilyfurnished,couldhardlybeimagined。Therewasnoneedforhimtoassureme,ashedid,thatithadbeenmadeoutofnothingbutegg-boxes。Onecouldseeataglancethatitwasmadeoutofegg-boxes,andbadlyconstructedegg-boxesatthat——egg-boxesthatwereadisgracetothefirmthathadturnedthemout;egg-boxesnotworthythestorageof\"shop’uns\"ateighteentheshilling。
Wewentupstairstomyfriend’sbedroom。Heopenedthedoorasamanmightopenthedoorofamuseumofgems。
\"Theoldboy,\"hesaid,ashestoodwithhishanduponthedoor-knob,\"madeeverythingyouseehere,everything,\"andweentered。Hedrewmyattentiontothewardrobe。\"NowIwillholditup,\"hesaid,\"whileyoupullthedooropen;Ithinkthefloormustbeabituneven,itwobblesifyouarenotcareful。\"Itwobblednotwithstanding,butbycoaxingandhumouringwesucceededwithoutmishap。Iwassurprisedtonoticeaverysmallsupplyofclotheswithin,althoughmyfriendisadressyman。
\"Yousee,\"heexplained,\"IdarenotuseitmorethanIcanhelp。I
amaclumsychap,andaslikelyasnot,ifIhappenedtobeinahurry,I’dhavethewholethingover:\"whichseemedprobable。
Iaskedhimhowhecontrived。\"Idressinthebath-roomasarule,\"
hereplied;\"Ikeepmostofmythingsthere。Ofcoursetheoldboydoesn’tknow。\"
Heshowedmeachestofdrawers。Onedrawerstoodhalfopen。
\"I’mboundtoleavethatdraweropen,\"hesaid;\"IkeepthethingsI
useinthat。Theydon’tshutquiteeasily,thesedrawers;orrather,theyshutallright,butthentheywon’topen。Itistheweather,Ithink。Theywillopenandshutallrightinthesummer,Idaresay。\"Heisofahopefuldisposition。
Buttheprideoftheroomwasthewashstand。
\"Whatdoyouthinkofthis?\"criedheenthusiastically,\"realmarbletop——\"
Hedidnotexpatiatefurther。Inhisexcitementhehadlaidhishanduponthething,withthenaturalresultthatitcollapsed。
MorebyaccidentthandesignIcaughtthejuginmyarms。Ialsocaughtthewateritcontained。Thebasinrolledonitsedgeandlittledamagewasdone,excepttomeandthesoap-box。
Icouldnotpumpupmuchadmirationforthiswashstand;Iwasfeelingtoowet。
\"Whatdoyoudowhenyouwanttowash?\"Iasked,astogetherweresetthetrap。
Therefelluponhimthemannerofaconspiratorrevealingsecrets。
Heglancedguiltilyroundtheroom;then,creepingontip-toe,heopenedacupboardbehindthebed。Withinwasatinbasinandasmallcan。
\"Don’ttelltheoldboy,\"hesaid。\"Ikeepthesethingshere,andwashonthefloor。\"
ThatwasthebestthingImyselfevergotoutofegg-boxes——thatpictureofadeceitfulsonstealthilywashinghimselfuponthefloorbehindthebed,tremblingateveryfootsteplestitmightbethe\"oldboy\"comingtothedoor。
OnewonderswhethertheTenCommandmentsaresoall-sufficientaswegoodfolkdeemthem——whethertheeleventhisnotworththewholepackofthem:\"thatyeloveoneanother\"withjustacommon-place,human,practicallove。Couldnottheothertenbecomfortablystowedawayintoacornerofthat!Oneisinclined,inone’sanarchicmoments,toagreewithLouisStevenson,thattobeamiableandcheerfulisagoodreligionforawork-a-dayworld。WearesobusyNOTkilling,NOTstealing,NOTcovetingourneighbour’swife,wehavenottimetobeevenjusttooneanotherforthelittlewhilewearetogetherhere。Needwebesococksurethatourpresentlistofvirtuesandvicesistheonlypossiblycorrectandcompleteone?
Isthekind,unselfishmannecessarilyavillainbecausehedoesnotalwayssucceedinsuppressinghisnaturalinstincts?Isthenarrow-hearted,sour-souledman,incapableofagenerousthoughtoract,necessarilyasaintbecausehehasnone?Havewenot——weuncoguid——arrivedatawrongmethodofestimatingourfrailerbrothersandsisters?Wejudgethem,ascriticsjudgebooks,notbythegoodthatisinthem,butbytheirfaults。PoorKingDavid!WhatwouldthelocalVigilanceSocietyhavehadtosaytohim?
Noah,accordingtoourplan,wouldbedenouncedfromeveryteetotalplatforminthecountry,andHamwouldheadtheLocalVestrypollasarewardforhavingexposedhim。AndSt。Peter!weak,frailSt。
Peter,howluckyforhimthathisfellow-disciplesandtheirMasterwerenotasstrictintheirnotionsofvirtueasareweto-day。
Havewenotforgottenthemeaningoftheword\"virtue\"?Onceitstoodforthegoodthatwasinaman,irrespectiveoftheevilthatmightlietherealso,astaresamongthewheat。Wehaveabolishedvirtue,andforitsubstitutedvirtues。Notthehero——hewastoofulloffaults——buttheblamelessvalet;notthemanwhodoesanygood,butthemanwhohasnotbeenfoundoutinanyevil,isourmodernideal。Themostvirtuousthinginnature,accordingtothisnewtheory,shouldbetheoyster。Heisalwaysathome,andalwayssober。Heisnotnoisy。Hegivesnotroubletothepolice。I
cannotthinkofasingleoneoftheTenCommandmentsthatheeverbreaks。Heneverenjoyshimself,andhenever,solongashelives,givesamoment’spleasuretoanyotherlivingthing。
Icanimaginetheoysterlecturingaliononthesubjectofmorality。
\"Youneverhearme,\"theoystermightsay,\"howlingroundcampsandvillages,makingnighthideous,frighteningquietfolkoutoftheirlives。Whydon’tyougotobedearly,asIdo?Ineverprowlroundtheoyster-bed,fightingothergentlemenoysters,makinglovetoladyoystersalreadymarried。Ineverkillantelopesormissionaries。Whycan’tyouliveasIdoonsaltwaterandgerms,orwhateveritisthatIdoliveon?Whydon’tyoutrytobemorelikeme?\"
Anoysterhasnoevilpassions,thereforewesayheisavirtuousfish。Weneveraskourselves——\"Hasheanygoodpassions?\"Alion’sbehaviourisoftensuchasnojustmancouldcondone。Hashenothisgoodpointsalso?
Willthefat,sleek,\"virtuous\"manbeasWelcomeatthegateofheavenashesupposes?
\"Well,\"St。Petermaysaytohim,openingthedooralittlewayandlookinghimupanddown,\"whatisitnow?\"
\"It’sme,\"thevirtuousmanwillreply,withanoily,self-satisfiedsmile;\"Ishouldsay,I——I’vecome。\"
\"Yes,Iseeyouhavecome;butwhatisyourclaimtoadmittance?
Whathaveyoudonewithyourthreescoreyearsandten?\"
\"Done!\"thevirtuousmanwillanswer,\"Ihavedonenothing,Iassureyou。\"
\"Nothing!\"
\"Nothing;thatismystrongpoint;thatiswhyIamhere。Ihaveneverdoneanywrong。\"
\"Andwhatgoodhaveyoudone?\"
\"Whatgood!\"
\"Aye,whatgood?Donotyouevenknowthemeaningoftheword?
Whathumancreatureisthebetterforyourhavingeatenanddrunkandslepttheseyears?Youhavedonenoharm——noharmtoyourself。
Perhaps,ifyouhadyoumighthavedonesomegoodwithit;thetwoaregenerallytobefoundtogetherdownbelow,Iremember。Whatgoodhaveyoudonethatyoushouldenterhere?Thisisnomummychamber;thisistheplaceofmenandwomenwhohavelived,whohavewroughtgood——andevilalso,alas!——forthesinnerswhofightfortheright,nottherighteouswhorunwiththeirsoulsfromthefight。\"
Itwasnot,however,tospeakofthesethingsthatIrememberedTheAmateuranditslessons。Myintentionwasbuttoleaduptothestoryofacertainsmallboy,whointhedoingoftasksnotrequiredofhimwasexceedinglyclever。Iwishtotellyouhisstory,because,asdomosttruetales,itpossessesamoral,andstorieswithoutamoralIdeemtobebutfoolishliterature,resemblingroadsthatleadtonowhere,suchassickfolktrampforexercise。
Ihaveknownthislittleboytotakeanexpensiveeight-dayclocktopieces,andmakeofitatoysteamboat。True,itwasnot,whenmade,verymuchofasteamboat;buttakingintoconsiderationallthedifficulties——theinadaptabilityofeight-dayclockmachinerytosteamboatrequirements,thenecessityofgettingtheworkaccomplishedquickly,beforeconservatively-mindedpeoplewithnoenthusiasmforsciencecouldinterfere——agoodenoughsteamboat。
Withmerelyanironing-boardandafewdozenmeat-skewers,hewould——providedtheironing-boardwasnotmissedintime——turnoutquiteapracticablerabbit-hutch。Hecouldmakeagunoutofanumbrellaandagas-bracket,which,ifnotsoaccurateasaMartini-Henry,was,atallevents,moredeadly。Withhalfthegarden-hose,acopperscalding-panoutofthedairy,andafewDresdenchinaornamentsoffthedrawing-roommantelpiece,hewouldbuildafountainforthegarden。Hecouldmakebookshelvesoutofkitchentables,andcrossbowsoutofcrinolines。Hecoulddamyouastreamsothatallthewaterwouldflowoverthecroquetlawn。Heknewhowtomakeredpaintandoxygengas,togetherwithmanyothersuchlikecommoditieshandytohaveaboutahouse。Amongotherthingshelearnedhowtomakefireworks,andafterafewexplosionsofanunimportantcharacter,cametomakethemverywellindeed。
Theboywhocanplayagoodgameofcricketisliked。Theboywhocanfightwellisrespected。Theboywhocancheekamasterisloved。Buttheboywhocanmakefireworksisreveredaboveallothersasaboybelongingtoasuperiororderofbeings。ThefifthofNovemberwasathand,andwiththeconsentofanindulgentmother,hedeterminedtogivetotheworldaproofofhispowers。A
largepartyoffriends,relatives,andschool-mateswasinvited,andforafortnightbeforehandthescullerywasconvertedintoamanufactoryforfireworks。Thefemaleservantswentaboutinhourlyterroroftheirlives,andthevilla,didwejudgeexclusivelybysmell,onemighthaveimaginedhadbeentakenoverbySatan,hismainpremisesbeinginconvenientlycrowded,asanannex。Bytheeveningofthefourthallwasinreadiness,andsamplesweretestedtomakesurethatnocontretempsshouldoccurthefollowingnight。
Allwasfoundtobeperfect。
Therocketsrushedheavenwardanddescendedinstars,theRomancandlestossedtheirfieryballsintothedarkness,theCatherinewheelssparkledandwhirled,thecrackerscracked,andthesquibsbanged。Thatnighthewenttobedaproudandhappyboy,anddreamedoffame。Hestoodsurroundedbyblazingfireworks,andthevastcrowdcheeredhim。Hisrelations,mostofwhom,heknew,regardedhimasthecomingidiotofthefamily,weretheretowitnesshistriumph;sotoowasDickeyBowles,wholaughedathimbecausehecouldnotthrowstraight。Thegirlatthebun-shop,shealsowasthere,andsawthathewasclever。
Thenightofthefestivalarrived,andwithittheguests。Theysat,wrappedupinshawlsandcloaks,outsidethehalldoor——uncles,cousins,aunts,littleboysandbigboys,littlegirlsandbiggirls,with,asthetheatreposterssay,villagersandretainers,somefortyoftheminall,andwaited。
Butthefireworksdidnotgooff。WhytheydidnotgooffIcannotexplain;nobodyeverCOULDexplain。Thelawsofnatureseemedtobesuspendedforthatnightonly。Therocketsfelldownanddiedwheretheystood。Nohumanagencyseemedabletoignitethesquibs。Thecrackersgaveonebangandcollapsed。TheRomancandlesmighthavebeenEnglishrushlights。TheCatherinewheelsbecamemererevolvingglow-worms。Thefieryserpentscouldnotcollectamongthemthespiritofatortoise。Thesetpiece,ashipatsea,showedonemastandthecaptain,andthenwentout。Oneortwoitemsdidtheirduty,butthisonlyservedtorenderthefoolishnessofthewholemorestriking。Thelittlegirlsgiggled,thelittleboyschaffed,theauntsandcousinssaiditwasbeautiful,theunclesinquiredifitwasallover,andtalkedaboutsupperandtrains,the\"villagersandretainers\"dispersedlaughing,theindulgentmothersaid\"nevermind,\"andexplainedhowwelleverythinghadgoneoffyesterday;thecleverlittleboycreptupstairstohisroom,andblubberedhisheartoutinthedark。
Hourslater,whenthecrowdhadforgottenhim,hestoleoutagainintothegarden。Hesatdownamidtheruinsofhishope,andwonderedwhatcouldhavecausedthefiasco。Stillpuzzled,hedrewfromhispocketaboxofmatches,and,lightingone,heheldittothesearedendofarockethehadtriedinvaintolightfourhoursago。Itsmoulderedforaninstant,thenshotwithaswishintotheairandbrokeintoahundredpointsoffire。Hetriedanotherandanotherwiththesameresult。Hemadeafreshattempttofirethesetpiece。Pointbypointthewholepicture——minusthecaptainandonemast——cameoutofthenight,andstoodrevealedinallthemajestyofflame。Itssparksfelluponthepiled-upheapofcandles,wheels,androcketsthatalittlewhilebeforehadobstinatelyrefusedtoburn,andthat,oneafteranother,hadbeenthrownasideasuseless。Nowwiththenightfrostuponthem,theyleapedtolightinonegrandvolcaniceruption。Andinfrontofthegorgeousspectaclehestoodwithonlyoneconsolation——hismother’shandinhis。
Thewholethingwasamysterytohimatthetime,but,ashelearnedtoknowlifebetter,hecametounderstandthatitwasonlyoneexampleofasolidbutinexplicablefact,rulingallhumanaffairs——YOURFIREWORKSWON’TGOOFFWHILETHECROWDISAROUND。
Ourbrilliantreparteesdonotoccurtoustillthedooriscloseduponusandwearealoneinthestreet,or,astheFrenchwouldsay,arecomingdownthestairs。Ourafter-dinneroratory,thatsoundedsotellingaswedelivereditbeforethelooking-glass,fallsstrangelyflatamidsttheclinkingoftheglasses。Thepassionatetorrentofwordswemeanttopourintoherearbecomesahaltingrigmarole,atwhich——smallblametoher——sheonlylaughs。
Iwould,gentleReader,youcouldhearthestoriesthatImeanttotellyou。Youjudgeme,ofcourse,bythestoriesofminethatyouhaveread——bythissortofthing,perhaps;butthatisnotjusttome。ThestoriesIhavenottoldyou,thatIamgoingtotellyouoneday,Iwouldthatyoujudgemebythose。
Theyaresobeautiful;youwillsayso;overthem,youwilllaughandcrywithme。
Theycomeintomybrainunbidden,theyclamourtobewritten,yetwhenItakemypeninhandtheyaregone。Itisasthoughtheywereshyofpublicity,asthoughtheywouldsaytome——\"Youalone,youshallreadus,butyoumustnotwriteus;wearetooreal,tootrue。
Wearelikethethoughtsyoucannotspeak。Perhapsalittlelater,whenyouknowmoreoflife,thenyoushalltellus。\"
NexttotheseinmeritIwouldplace,wereIwritingacriticalessayonmyself,thestoriesIhavebeguntowriteandthatremainunfinished,whyIcannotexplaintomyself。Theyaregoodstories,mostofthem;betterfarthanthestoriesIhaveaccomplished。
Anothertime,perhaps,ifyoucaretolisten,Iwilltellyouthebeginningofoneortwoandyoushalljudge。Strangelyenough,forIhavealwaysregardedmyselfasapractical,commonsensedman,somanyofthesestill-bornchildrenofmymindIfind,onlookingthroughthecupboardwheretheirthinbodieslie,areghoststories。
Isupposethehopeofghostsiswithusall。Theworldgrowssomewhatinterestingtousheirsofalltheages。Yearbyyear,Sciencewithbroomanddustertearsdownthemoth-worntapestry,forcesthedoorsofthelockedchambers,letslightintothesecretstairways,cleansoutthedungeons,exploresthehiddenpassages——
findingeverywhereonlydust。Thisechoingoldcastle,theworld,sofullofmysteryinthedayswhenwewerechildren,islosingsomewhatitscharmforusaswegrowolder。Thekingsleepsnolongerinthehollowofthehills。Wehavetunnelledthroughhismountainchamber。Wehaveshiveredhisbeardwithourpick。WehavedriventhegodsfromOlympus。Nowandererthroughthemoonlitgrovesnowfearsorhopesthesweet,death-givinggleamofAphrodite’sface。Thor’shammerechoesnotamongthepeaks——’tisbutthethunderoftheexcursiontrain。Wehavesweptthewoodsofthefairies。Wehavefilteredtheseaofitsnymphs。Eventheghostsareleavingus,chasedbythePsychicalResearchSociety。
Perhapsofall,theyaretheleast,however,toberegretted。Theyweredulloldfellows,clankingtheirrustychainsandgroaningandsighing。Letthemgo。
Andyethowinterestingtheymightbe,ifonlytheywould。Theoldgentlemaninthecoatofmail,wholivedinKingJohn’sreign,whowasmurdered,sotheysay,ontheoutskirtsoftheverywoodIcanseefrommywindowasIwrite——stabbedintheback,poorgentleman,ashewasridinghome,hisbodyflungintothemoatthattothisdayiscalledTor’stomb。Dryenoughitisnow,andtheprimrosesloveitssteepbanks;butagloomyenoughplaceinthosedays,nodoubt,withitstwentyfeetofstagnantwater。Whydoeshehaunttheforestpathsatnight,astheytellmehedoes,frighteningthechildrenoutoftheirwits,blanchingthefacesandstillingthelaughterofthepeasantladsandlasses,slouchinghomefromthevillagedance?Instead,whydoeshenotcomeuphereandtalktome?Heshouldhavemyeasy-chairandwelcome,wouldheonlybecheerfulandcompanionable。
Whatbravetalescouldhenottellme。HefoughtinthefirstCrusade,heardtheclarionvoiceofPeter,metthegreatGodfreyfacetoface,stood,handonsword-hilt,atRunny-mede,perhaps。
Betterthanawholelibraryofhistoricalnovelswouldanevening’schatbewithsuchaghost。Whathashedonewithhiseighthundredyearsofdeath?wherehashebeen?whathasheseen?MaybehehasvisitedMars;hasspokentothestrangespiritswhocanliveintheliquidfiresofJupiter。Whathashelearnedofthegreatsecret?
Hashefoundthetruth?orishe,evenasI,awandererstillseekingtheunknown?
You,poor,pale,greynun——theytellmethatofmidnightsonemayseeyourwhitefacepeeringfromtheruinedbelfrywindow,heartheclashofswordandshieldamongthecedar-treesbeneath。
Itwasverysad,Iquiteunderstand,mydearlady。Yourloversbothwerekilled,andyouretiredtoaconvent。Believeme,Iamsincerelysorryforyou,butwhywasteeverynightrenewingthewholepainfulexperience?Woulditnotbebetterforgotten?GoodHeavens,madam,supposewelivingfolkweretospendourliveswailingandwringingourhandsbecauseofthewrongsdonetouswhenwewerechildren?Itisallovernow。Hadhelived,andhadyoumarriedhim,youmightnothavebeenhappy。Idonotwishtosayanythingunkind,butmarriagesfoundeduponthesincerestmutuallovehavesometimesturnedoutunfortunately,asyoumustsurelyknow。
Dotakemyadvice。Talkthematteroverwiththeyoungmenthemselves。Persuadethemtoshakehandsandbefriends。Comein,allofyou,outofthecold,andletushavesomereasonabletalk。
Whyseekyoutotroubleus,youpoorpaleghosts?Arewenotyourchildren?Beourwisefriends。Tellme,howlovedtheyoungmeninyouryoungdays?howansweredthemaidens?Hastheworldchangedmuch,doyouthink?Hadyounotnewwomeneventhen?girlswhohatedtheeverlastingtapestryframeandspinning-wheel?Yourfather’sservants,weretheysomuchworseoffthanthefreemenwholiveinourEast-endslumsandsewslippersforfourteenhoursadayatawageofnineshillingsaweek?DoyouthinkSocietymuchimprovedduringthelastthousandyears?Isitworse?isitbetter?
orisit,onthewhole,aboutthesame,savethatwecallthingsbyothernames?Tellme,whathaveYOUlearned?
Yetmightnotfamiliaritybreedcontempt,evenforghosts。
Onehashadatiringday’sshooting。Oneislookingforwardtoone’sbed。Asoneopensthedoor,however,aghostlylaughcomesfrombehindthebed-curtains,andonegroansinwardly,knowingwhatisinstoreforone:atwoorthreehours’talkwithrowdyoldSirLanval——heofthelance。Weknowallhistalesbyheart,andhewillshoutthem。Supposeouraunt,fromwhomwehaveexpectations,andwhosleepsinthenextroom,shouldwakeandoverhear!Theywerefitandproperenoughstories,nodoubt,fortheRoundTable,butwefeelsureourauntwouldnotappreciatethem:——thatstoryaboutSirAgravainandthecooper’swife!andhealwayswilltellthatstory。
Orimaginethemaidenteringafterdinnertosay——
\"Oh,ifyouplease,sir,hereistheveiledlady。\"
\"What,again!\"saysyourwife,lookingupfromherwork。
\"Yes,ma’am;shallIshowherupintothebedroom?\"
\"Youhadbetteraskyourmaster,\"isthereply。Thetoneissuggestiveofanunpleasantfiveminutessosoonasthegirlshallhavewithdrawn,butwhatareyoutodo?
\"Yes,yes,showherup,\"yousay,andthegirlgoesout,closingthedoor。
Yourwifegathersherworktogether,andrises。
\"Whereareyougoing?\"youask。
\"Tosleepwiththechildren,\"isthefrigidanswer。
\"Itwilllooksorude,\"youurge。\"Wemustbeciviltothepoorthing;andyouseeitreallyisherroom,asonemightsay。Shehasalwayshauntedit。\"
\"Itisverycurious,\"returnsthewifeofyourbosom,stillmoreicily,\"thatsheneverhauntsitexceptwhenyouaredownhere。
WhereshegoeswhenyouareintownI’msureIdon’tknow。\"
Thisisunjust。Youcannotrestrainyourindignation。