CHAPTERI
Thetimeofmyendapproaches。Ihavelatelybeensubjecttoattacksofanginapectoris；andintheordinarycourseofthings，myphysiciantellsme，Imayfairlyhopethatmylifewillnotbeprotractedmanymonths。Unless，then，Iamcursedwithanexceptionalphysicalconstitution，asIamcursedwithanexceptionalmentalcharacter，Ishallnotmuchlongergroanunderthewearisomeburthenofthisearthlyexistence。Ifitweretobeotherwise——ifIweretoliveontotheagemostmendesireandprovidefor——Ishouldforoncehaveknownwhetherthemiseriesofdelusiveexpectationcanoutweighthemiseriesoftrueprovision。
ForIforeseewhenIshalldie，andeverythingthatwillhappeninmylastmoments。
Justamonthfromthisday，onSeptember20，1850，Ishallbesittinginthischair，inthisstudy，atteno’clockatnight，longingtodie，wearyofincessantinsightandforesight，withoutdelusionsandwithouthope。JustasIamwatchingatongueofblueflamerisinginthefire，andmylampisburninglow，thehorriblecontractionwillbeginatmychest。Ishallonlyhavetimetoreachthebell，andpullitviolently，beforethesenseofsuffocationwillcome。Noonewillanswermybell。Iknowwhy。
Mytwoservantsarelovers，andwillhavequarrelled。Myhousekeeperwillhaverushedoutofthehouseinafury，twohoursbefore，hopingthatPerrywillbelieveshehasgonetodrownherself。Perryisalarmedatlast，andisgoneoutafterher。Thelittlescullery-maidisasleeponabench：sheneveranswersthebell；itdoesnotwakeher。Thesenseofsuffocationincreases：
mylampgoesoutwithahorriblestench：Imakeagreateffort，andsnatchatthebellagain。Ilongforlife，andthereisnohelp。Ithirstedfortheunknown：thethirstisgone。OGod，letmestaywiththeknown，andbewearyofit：Iamcontent。Agonyofpainandsuffocation——andallthewhiletheearth，thefields，thepebblybrookatthebottomoftherookery，thefreshscentaftertherain，thelightofthemorningthroughmychamber-window，thewarmthofthehearthafterthefrostyair——willdarknesscloseoverthemforever？
Darkness——darkness——nopain——nothingbutdarkness：butIampassingonandonthroughthedarkness：mythoughtstaysinthedarkness，butalwayswithasenseofmovingonward……
Beforethattimecomes，Iwishtousemylasthoursofeaseandstrengthintellingthestrangestoryofmyexperience。Ihaveneverfullyunbosomedmyselftoanyhumanbeing；Ihaveneverbeenencouragedtotrustmuchinthesympathyofmyfellow-men。Butwehaveallachanceofmeetingwithsomepity，sometenderness，somecharity，whenwearedead：itisthelivingonlywhocannotbeforgiven——thelivingonlyfromwhommen’sindulgenceandreverenceareheldoff，liketherainbythehardeastwind。Whiletheheartbeats，bruiseit——itisyouronlyopportunity；whiletheeyecanstillturntowardsyouwithmoist，timidentreaty，freezeitwithanicyunansweringgaze；whiletheear，thatdelicatemessengertotheinmostsanctuaryofthesoul，canstilltakeinthetonesofkindness，putitoffwithhardcivility，orsneeringcompliment，orenviousaffectationofindifference；whilethecreativebraincanstillthrobwiththesenseofinjustice，withtheyearningforbrotherlyrecognition——makehaste——oppressitwithyourill-
consideredjudgements，yourtrivialcomparisons，yourcarelessmisrepresentations。Theheartwillbyandbybestill——\"ubisaevaindignatioulteriuscorlacerarenequit\"；theeyewillceasetoentreat；theearwillbedeaf；thebrainwillhaveceasedfromallwantsaswellasfromallwork。Thenyourcharitablespeechesmayfindvent；thenyoumayrememberandpitythetoilandthestruggleandthefailure；thenyoumaygiveduehonourtotheworkachieved；
thenyoumayfindextenuationforerrors，andmayconsenttoburythem。
Thatisatrivialschoolboytext；whydoIdwellonit？Ithaslittlereferencetome，forIshallleavenoworksbehindmeformentohonour。Ihavenonearrelativeswhowillmakeup，byweepingovermygrave，forthewoundstheyinflictedonmewhenI
wasamongthem。ItisonlythestoryofmylifethatwillperhapswinalittlemoresympathyfromstrangerswhenIamdead，thanI
everbelieveditwouldobtainfrommyfriendswhileIwasliving。
Mychildhoodperhapsseemshappiertomethanitreallywas，bycontrastwithalltheafter-years。Forthenthecurtainofthefuturewasasimpenetrabletomeastootherchildren：Ihadalltheirdelightinthepresenthour，theirsweetindefinitehopesforthemorrow；andIhadatendermother：evennow，afterthedrearylapseoflongyears，aslighttraceofsensationaccompaniestheremembranceofhercaressassheheldmeonherknee——herarmsroundmylittlebody，hercheekpressedonmine。Ihadacomplaintoftheeyesthatmademeblindforalittlewhile，andshekeptmeonherkneefrommorningtillnight。Thatunequalledlovesoonvanishedoutofmylife，andeventomychildishconsciousnessitwasasifthatlifehadbecomemorechillIrodemylittlewhiteponywiththegroombymysideasbefore，buttherewerenolovingeyeslookingatmeasImounted，nogladarmsopenedtomewhenI
cameback。PerhapsImissedmymother’slovemorethanmostchildrenofsevenoreightwouldhavedone，towhomtheotherpleasuresofliferemainedasbefore；forIwascertainlyaverysensitivechild。IrememberstillthemingledtrepidationanddeliciousexcitementwithwhichIwasaffectedbythetrampingofthehorsesonthepavementintheechoingstables，bytheloudresonanceofthegroom’svoices，bytheboomingbarkofthedogsasmyfather’scarriagethunderedunderthearchwayofthecourtyard，bythedinofthegongasitgavenoticeofluncheonanddinner。
ThemeasuredtrampofsoldierywhichIsometimesheard——formyfather’shouselaynearacountytownwheretherewerelargebarracks——mademesobandtremble；andyetwhentheyweregonepast，Ilongedforthemtocomebackagain。
Ifancymyfatherthoughtmeanoddchild，andhadlittlefondnessforme；thoughhewasverycarefulinfulfillingwhatheregardedasaparent’sduties。Buthewasalreadypastthemiddleoflife，andIwasnothisonlyson。Mymotherhadbeenhissecondwife，andhewasfive-and-fortywhenhemarriedher。Hewasafirm，unbending，intenselyorderlyman，inrootandstemabanker，butwithaflourishinggraftoftheactivelandholder，aspiringtocountyinfluence：oneofthosepeoplewhoarealwayslikethemselvesfromdaytoday，whoareuninfluencedbytheweather，andneitherknowmelancholynorhighspirits。Iheldhimingreatawe，andappearedmoretimidandsensitiveinhispresencethanatothertimes；acircumstancewhich，perhaps，helpedtoconfirmhimintheintentiontoeducatemeonadifferentplanfromtheprescriptiveonewithwhichhehadcompliedinthecaseofmyelderbrother，alreadyatallyouthatEton。Mybrotherwastobehisrepresentativeandsuccessor；hemustgotoEtonandOxford，forthesakeofmakingconnexions，ofcourse：myfatherwasnotamantounderratethebearingofLatinsatiristsorGreekdramatistsontheattainmentofanaristocraticposition。But，intrinsically，hehadslightesteemfor\"thosedeadbutsceptredspirits\"；havingqualifiedhimselfforforminganindependentopinionbyreadingPotter’sAEschylus，anddippingintoFrancis’sHorace。Tothisnegativeviewheaddedapositiveone，derivedfromarecentconnexionwithminingspeculations；namely，thatascientificeducationwasthereallyusefultrainingforayoungerson。
Moreover，itwasclearthatashy，sensitiveboylikemewasnotfittoencountertheroughexperienceofapublicschool。Mr。
Letherallhadsaidsoverydecidedly。Mr。Letherallwasalargemaninspectacles，whoonedaytookmysmallheadbetweenhislargehands，andpressedithereandthereinanexploratory，auspiciousmanner——thenplacedeachofhisgreatthumbsonmytemples，andpushedmealittlewayfromhim，andstaredatmewithglitteringspectacles。Thecontemplationappearedtodispleasehim，forhefrownedsternly，andsaidtomyfather，drawinghisthumbsacrossmyeyebrows-
\"Thedeficiencyisthere，sir——there；andhere，\"headded，touchingtheuppersidesofmyhead，\"hereistheexcess。Thatmustbebroughtout，sir，andthismustbelaidtosleep。\"
Iwasinastateoftremor，partlyatthevagueideathatIwastheobjectofreprobation，partlyintheagitationofmyfirsthatred——
hatredofthisbig，spectacledman，whopulledmyheadaboutasifhewantedtobuyandcheapenit。
IamnotawarehowmuchMr。Letherallhadtodowiththesystemafterwardsadoptedtowardsme，butitwaspresentlyclearthatprivatetutors，naturalhistory，science，andthemodernlanguages，weretheappliancesbywhichthedefectsofmyorganizationweretoberemedied。Iwasverystupidaboutmachines，soIwastobegreatlyoccupiedwiththem；Ihadnomemoryforclassification，soitwasparticularlynecessarythatIshouldstudysystematiczoologyandbotany；Iwashungryforhumandeedsandhumanemotions，soIwastobeplentifullycrammedwiththemechanicalpowers，theelementarybodies，andthephenomenaofelectricityandmagnetism。Abetter-constitutedboywouldcertainlyhaveprofitedundermyintelligenttutors，withtheirscientificapparatus；andwould，doubtless，havefoundthephenomenaofelectricityandmagnetismasfascinatingasIwas，everyThursday，assuredtheywere。Asitwas，Icouldhavepairedoff，forignoranceofwhateverwastaughtme，withtheworstLatinscholarthatwaseverturnedoutofaclassicalacademy。IreadPlutarch，andShakespeare，andDonQuixotebythesly，andsuppliedmyselfinthatwaywithwanderingthoughts，whilemytutorwasassuringmethat\"animprovedman，asdistinguishedfromanignorantone，wasamanwhoknewthereasonwhywaterrandownhill。\"Ihadnodesiretobethisimprovedman；Iwasgladoftherunningwater；Icouldwatchitandlistentoitgurglingamongthepebbles，andbathingthebrightgreenwater-plants，bythehourtogether。IdidnotwanttoknowWHYitran；Ihadperfectconfidencethatthereweregoodreasonsforwhatwassoverybeautiful。
Thereisnoneedtodwellonthispartofmylife。Ihavesaidenoughtoindicatethatmynaturewasofthesensitive，unpracticalorder，andthatitgrewupinanuncongenialmedium，whichcouldneverfosteritintohappy，healthydevelopment。WhenIwassixteenIwassenttoGenevatocompletemycourseofeducation；
andthechangewasaveryhappyonetome，forthefirstsightoftheAlps，withthesettingsunonthem，aswedescendedtheJura，seemedtomelikeanentranceintoheaven；andthethreeyearsofmylifetherewerespentinaperpetualsenseofexaltation，asiffromadraughtofdeliciouswine，atthepresenceofNatureinallherawfulloveliness。Youwillthink，perhaps，thatImusthavebeenapoet，fromthisearlysensibilitytoNature。Butmylotwasnotsohappyasthat。ApoetpoursforthhissongandBELIEVESinthelisteningearandansweringsoul，towhichhissongwillbefloatedsoonerorlater。Butthepoet’ssensibilitywithouthisvoice——thepoet’ssensibilitythatfindsnoventbutinsilenttearsonthesunnybank，whenthenoondaylightsparklesonthewater，orinaninwardshudderatthesoundofharshhumantones，thesightofacoldhumaneye——thisdumbpassionbringswithitafatalsolitudeofsoulinthesocietyofone’sfellow-men。MyleastsolitarymomentswerethoseinwhichIpushedoffinmyboat，atevening，towardsthecentreofthelake；itseemedtomethatthesky，andtheglowingmountain-tops，andthewidebluewater，surroundedmewithacherishinglovesuchasnohumanfacehadshedonmesincemymother’slovehadvanishedoutofmylife。IusedtodoasJeanJacquesdid——liedowninmyboatandletitglidewhereitwould，whileIlookedupatthedepartingglowleavingonemountain-topaftertheother，asiftheprophet’schariotoffirewerepassingoverthemonitswaytothehomeoflight。Then，whenthewhitesummitswereallsadandcorpse-like，Ihadtopushhomeward，forIwasundercarefulsurveillance，andwasallowednolatewanderings。ThisdispositionofminewasnotfavourabletotheformationofintimatefriendshipsamongthenumerousyouthsofmyownagewhoarealwaystobefoundstudyingatGeneva。YetI
madeONEsuchfriendship；and，singularlyenough，itwaswithayouthwhoseintellectualtendenciesweretheveryreverseofmyown。IshallcallhimCharlesMeunier；hisrealsurname——anEnglishone，forhewasofEnglishextraction——havingsincebecomecelebrated。Hewasanorphan，wholivedonamiserablepittancewhilehepursuedthemedicalstudiesforwhichhehadaspecialgenius。Strange！thatwithmyvaguemind，susceptibleandunobservant，hatinginquiryandgivenuptocontemplation，Ishouldhavebeendrawntowardsayouthwhosestrongestpassionwasscience。Butthebondwasnotanintellectualone；itcamefromasourcethatcanhappilyblendthestupidwiththebrilliant，thedreamywiththepractical：itcamefromcommunityoffeeling。
Charleswaspoorandugly，deridedbyGenevesegamins，andnotacceptableindrawing-rooms。Isawthathewasisolated，asIwas，thoughfromadifferentcause，and，stimulatedbyasympatheticresentment，Imadetimidadvancestowardshim。Itisenoughtosaythattheresprangupasmuchcomradeshipbetweenusasourdifferenthabitswouldallow；andinCharles’srareholidayswewentuptheSalevetogether，ortooktheboattoVevay，whileI
listeneddreamilytothemonologuesinwhichheunfoldedhisboldconceptionsoffutureexperimentanddiscovery。Imingledthemconfusedlyinmythoughtwithglimpsesofbluewateranddelicatefloatingcloud，withthenotesofbirdsandthedistantglitteroftheglacier。Heknewquitewellthatmymindwashalfabsent，yethelikedtotalktomeinthisway；fordon’twetalkofourhopesandourprojectseventodogsandbirds，whentheyloveus？IhavementionedthisonefriendshipbecauseofitsconnexionwithastrangeandterriblescenewhichIshallhavetonarrateinmysubsequentlife。
ThishappierlifeatGenevawasputanendtobyasevereillness，whichispartlyablanktome，partlyatimeofdimly-rememberedsuffering，withthepresenceofmyfatherbymybedfromtimetotime。Thencamethelanguidmonotonyofconvalescence，thedaysgraduallybreakingintovarietyanddistinctnessasmystrengthenabledmetotakelongerandlongerdrives。Ononeofthesemorevividlyremembereddays，myfathersaidtome，ashesatbesidemysofa-
\"Whenyouarequitewellenoughtotravel，Latimer，Ishalltakeyouhomewithme。Thejourneywillamuseyouanddoyougood，forIshallgothroughtheTyrolandAustria，andyouwillseemanynewplaces。Ourneighbours，theFilmores，arecome；AlfredwilljoinusatBasle，andweshallallgotogethertoVienna，andbackbyPrague\"……
Myfatherwascalledawaybeforehehadfinishedhissentence，andheleftmymindrestingonthewordPRAGUE，withastrangesensethatanewandwondrousscenewasbreakinguponme：acityunderthebroadsunshine，thatseemedtomeasifitwerethesummersunshineofalong-pastcenturyarrestedinitscourse——unrefreshedforagesbydewsofnight，ortherushingrain-cloud；scorchingthedusty，weary，time-eatengrandeurofapeopledoomedtoliveoninthestalerepetitionofmemories，likedeposedandsuperannuatedkingsintheirregalgold-inwoventatters。Thecitylookedsothirstythatthebroadriverseemedtomeasheetofmetal；andtheblackenedstatues，asIpassedundertheirblankgaze，alongtheunendingbridge，withtheirancientgarmentsandtheirsaintlycrowns，seemedtometherealinhabitantsandownersofthisplace，whilethebusy，trivialmenandwomen，hurryingtoandfro，wereaswarmofephemeralvisitantsinfestingitforaday。Itissuchgrim，stonybeingsasthese，Ithought，whoarethefathersofancientfadedchildren，inthosetannedtime-fretteddwellingsthatcrowdthesteepbeforeme；whopaytheircourtinthewornandcrumblingpompofthepalacewhichstretchesitsmonotonouslengthontheheight；whoworshipwearilyinthestiflingairofthechurches，urgedbynofearorhope，butcompelledbytheirdoomtobeeveroldandundying，toliveonintherigidityofhabit，astheyliveoninperpetualmidday，withoutthereposeofnightorthenewbirthofmorning。
Astunningclangofmetalsuddenlythrilledthroughme，andI
becameconsciousoftheobjectsinmyroomagain：oneofthefire-
ironshadfallenasPierreopenedthedoortobringmemydraught。
Myheartwaspalpitatingviolently，andIbeggedPierretoleavemydraughtbesideme；Iwouldtakeitpresently。
AssoonasIwasaloneagain，IbegantoaskmyselfwhetherIhadbeensleeping。Wasthisadream——thiswonderfullydistinctvision——
minuteinitsdistinctnessdowntoapatchofrainbowlightonthepavement，transmittedthroughacolouredlampintheshapeofastar——ofastrangecity，quiteunfamiliartomyimagination？IhadseennopictureofPrague：itlayinmymindasamerename，withvaguely-rememberedhistoricalassociations——ill-definedmemoriesofimperialgrandeurandreligiouswars。
Nothingofthissorthadeveroccurredinmydreamingexperiencebefore，forIhadoftenbeenhumiliatedbecausemydreamswereonlysavedfrombeingutterlydisjointedandcommonplacebythefrequentterrorsofnightmare。ButIcouldnotbelievethatIhadbeenasleep，forIremembereddistinctlythegradualbreaking-inofthevisionuponme，likethenewimagesinadissolvingview，orthegrowingdistinctnessofthelandscapeasthesunliftsuptheveilofthemorningmist。AndwhileIwasconsciousofthisincipientvision，IwasalsoconsciousthatPierrecametotellmyfatherMr。
Filmorewaswaitingforhim，andthatmyfatherhurriedoutoftheroom。No，itwasnotadream；wasit——thethoughtwasfulloftremulousexultation——wasitthepoet’snatureinme，hithertoonlyatroubledyearningsensibility，nowmanifestingitselfsuddenlyasspontaneouscreation？SurelyitwasinthiswaythatHomersawtheplainofTroy，thatDantesawtheabodesofthedeparted，thatMiltonsawtheearthwardflightoftheTempter。Wasitthatmyillnesshadwroughtsomehappychangeinmyorganization——givenafirmertensiontomynerves——carriedoffsomedullobstruction？I
hadoftenreadofsucheffects——inworksoffictionatleast。Nay；
ingenuinebiographiesIhadreadofthesubtilizingorexaltinginfluenceofsomediseasesonthementalpowers。DidnotNovalisfeelhisinspirationintensifiedundertheprogressofconsumption？