第1章
加入书架 A- A+
点击下载App,搜索"Sketches of Young Couples",免费读到尾

  ANURGENTREMONSTRANCE,&cTOTHEGENTLEMENOFENGLAND,(BEINGBACHELORSORWIDOWERS,)

  THEREMONSTRANCEOFTHEIRFAITHFULFELLOW-SUBJECT,SHEWETH,-

  THATHerMostGraciousMajesty,Victoria,bytheGraceofGodoftheUnitedKingdomofGreatBritainandIrelandQueen,DefenderoftheFaith,did,onthe23rddayofNovemberlastpast,declareandpronouncetoHerMostHonourablePrivyCouncil,HerMajesty’sMostGraciousintentionofenteringintothebondsofwedlock。

  THATHerMostGraciousMajesty,insomakingknownHerMostGraciousintentiontoHerMostHonourablePrivyCouncilasaforesaid,diduseandemploythewords-’ItismyintentiontoallymyselfinmarriagewithPrinceAlbertofSaxeCoburgandGotha。’

  THATthepresentisBissextile,orLeapYear,inwhichitisheldandconsideredlawfulforanyladytoofferandsubmitproposalsofmarriagetoanygentleman,andtoenforceandinsistuponacceptanceofthesame,underpainofacertainfineorpenalty;towit,onesilkorsatindressofthefirstquality,tobechosenbytheladyandpaid(orowed)for,bythegentleman。

  THATtheseandotherthehorrorsanddangerswithwhichthesaidBissextile,orLeapYear,threatensthegentlemenofEnglandoneveryoccasionofitsperiodicalreturn,havebeengreatlyaggravatedandaugmentedbythetermsofHerMajesty’ssaidMostGraciouscommunication,whichhavefilledtheheadsofdiversyoungladiesinthisRealmwithcertainnewideasdestructivetothepeaceofmankind,thatneverenteredtheirimaginationbefore。

  THATacasehasoccurredinCamberwell,inwhichayoungladyinformedherPapathat’sheintendedtoallyherselfinmarriage’

  withMr。SmithofStepney;andthatanother,andaverydistressingcase,hasoccurredatTottenham,inwhichayoungladynotonlystatedherintentionofallyingherselfinmarriagewithhercousinJohn,but,takingviolentpossessionofhersaidcousin,actuallymarriedhim。

  THATsimilaroutragesareofconstantoccurrence,notonlyinthecapitalanditsneighbourhood,butthroughoutthekingdom,andthatunlesstheexcitedfemalepopulacebespeedilycheckedandrestrainedintheirlawlessproceedings,mostdeplorableresultsmustensuetherefrom;amongwhichmaybeanticipatedamostalarmingincreaseinthepopulationofthecountry,withwhichnoeffortsoftheagriculturalormanufacturinginterestcanpossiblykeeppace。

  THATthereisstrongreasontosuspecttheexistenceofamostextensiveplot,conspiracy,ordesign,secretlycontrivedbyvastnumbersofsingleladiesintheUnitedKingdomofGreatBritainandIreland,andnowextendingitsramificationsineveryquarteroftheland;theobjectandintentofwhichplainlyappearstobetheholdingandsolemnisingofanenormousandunprecedentednumberofmarriages,onthedayonwhichthenuptialsofHersaidMostGraciousMajestyareperformed。

  THATsuchplot,conspiracy,ordesign,stronglysavoursofPopery,astendingtothediscomfitureoftheClergyoftheEstablishedChurch,byentailinguponthemgreatmentalandphysicalexhaustion;andthatsuchPopishplotsarefomentedandencouragedbyHerMajesty’sMinisters,whichclearlyappears-notonlyfromHerMajesty’sprincipalSecretaryofStateforForeignAffairstraitorouslygettingmarriedwhileholdingofficeundertheCrown;

  butfromMr。O’Connellhavingbeenheardtodeclareandavowthat,ifhehadadaughtertomarry,sheshouldbemarriedonthesamedayasHersaidMostGraciousMajesty。

  THATsucharchplots,conspiracies,anddesigns,besidesbeingfraughtwithdangertotheEstablishedChurch,and(consequently)

  totheState,cannotfailtobringruinandbankruptcyuponalargeclassofHerMajesty’ssubjects;asagreatandsuddenincreaseinthenumberofmarriedmenoccasioningthecomparativedesertion(foratime)ofTaverns,Hotels,Billiard-rooms,andGaming-Houses,willdeprivetheProprietorsoftheiraccustomedprofitsandreturns。Andinfurtherproofofthedepthandbasenessofsuchdesigns,itmaybehereobserved,thatallproprietorsofTaverns,Hotels,Billiard-rooms,andGaming-Houses,are(especiallythelast)solemnlydevotedtotheProtestantreligion。

  FORallthesereasons,andmanyothersofnolessgravityandimport,anurgentappealismadetothegentlemenofEngland(beingbachelorsorwidowers)totakeimmediatestepsforconveningaPublicmeeting;ToconsiderofthebestandsurestmeansofavertingthedangerswithwhichtheyarethreatenedbytherecurrenceofBissextile,orLeapYear,andtheadditionalsensationcreatedamongsingleladiesbythetermsofHerMajesty’sMostGraciousDeclaration;Totakemeasures,withoutdelay,forresistingthesaidsingleLadies,andcounteractingtheirevildesigns;AndtoprayHerMajestytodismissherpresentMinisters,andtosummontoherCouncilsthosedistinguishedGentlemeninvariousHonourableProfessionswho,byinsultingonalloccasionstheonlyLadyinEnglandwhocanbeinsultedwithsafety,havegivenasufficientguaranteetoHerMajesty’sLovingSubjectsthatthey,atleast,arequalifiedtomakewarwithwomen,andarealreadyexpertintheuseofthoseweaponswhicharecommontothelowestandmostabandonedofthesex。

  THEYOUNGCOUPLE

  Thereistobeaweddingthismorningatthecornerhouseintheterrace。Thepastry-cook’speoplehavebeentherehalf-a-dozentimesalready;alldayyesterdaytherewasagreatstirandbustle,andtheywereupthismorningassoonasitwaslight。MissEmmaFieldingisgoingtobemarriedtoyoungMr。Harvey。

  Heavenalonecantellinwhatbrightcoloursthismarriageispainteduponthemindofthelittlehousemaidatnumbersix,whohashardlysleptawinkallnightwiththinkingofit,andnowstandsontheunsweptdoor-stepsleaninguponherbroom,andlookingwistfullytowardstheenchantedhouse。Nothingshortofomnisciencecandivinewhatvisionsofthebaker,orthegreen-

  grocer,orthesmartandmostinsinuatingbutterman,areflittingacrosshermind-whatthoughtsofhowshewoulddressonsuchanoccasion,ifshewerealady-ofhowshewoulddress,ifshewereonlyabride-ofhowcookwoulddress,beingbridesmaid,conjointlywithhersister’inplace’atFulham,andhowtheclergyman,deemingthemsomanyladies,wouldbequitehumbledandrespectful。Whatday-dreamsofhopeandhappiness-oflifebeingoneperpetualholiday,withnomasterandnomistresstograntorwithholdit-ofeverySundaybeingaSundayout-ofpurefreedomastocurlsandringlets,andnoobligationtohidefineheadsofhairincaps-whatpicturesofhappiness,vastandimmensetoher,bututterlyridiculoustous,bewilderthebrainofthelittlehousemaidatnumbersix,allcalledintoexistencebytheweddingatthecorner!

  Wesmileatsuchthings,andsoweshould,thoughperhapsforabetterreasonthancommonlypresentsitself。Itshouldbepleasanttoustoknowthattherearenotionsofhappinesssomoderateandlimited,sinceuponthosewhoentertainthem,happinessandlightnessofheartareveryeasilybestowed。

  Butthelittlehousemaidisawakenedfromherreverie,forforthfromthedoorofthemagicalcornerhousethererunstowardsher,allflutteringinsmartnewdressandstreamingribands,herfriendJaneAdams,whocomesalloutofbreathtoredeemasolemnpromiseoftakingherin,undercoveroftheconfusion,toseethebreakfasttablespreadforthinstate,and-sightofsights!-heryoungmistressreadydressedforchurch。

  Andthere,ingoodtruth,whentheyhavestolenup-stairsontip-

  toeandedgedthemselvesinatthechamber-door-thereisMissEmma’lookinglikethesweetestpicter,’inawhitechipbonnetandorangeflowers,andallothereleganciesbecomingabride,(withthemake,shape,andqualityofeveryarticleofwhichthegirlisperfectlyfamiliarinonemoment,andneverforgetstoherdyingday)-andthereisMissEmma’smammaintears,andMissEmma’spapacomfortingher,andsayinghowthatofcourseshehasbeenlonglookingforwardtothis,andhowhappysheoughttobe-andtheretooisMissEmma’ssisterwithherarmsroundherneck,andtheotherbridesmaidallsmilesandtears,quietingthechildren,whowouldcrymorebutthattheyaresofinelydressed,andyetsobforfearsisterEmmashouldbetakenaway-anditisallsoaffecting,thatthetwoservant-girlscrymorethananybody;andJaneAdams,sittingdownuponthestairs,whentheyhavecreptaway,declaresthatherlegstremblesothatshedon’tknowwhattodo,andthatshewillsayforMissEmma,thatsheneverhadahastywordfromher,andthatshedoeshopeandprayshemaybehappy。

  ButJanesooncomesroundagain,andthensurelythereneverwasanythinglikethebreakfasttable,glitteringwithplateandchina,andsetoutwithflowersandsweets,andlong-neckedbottles,inthemostsumptuousanddazzlingmanner。Inthecentre,too,isthemightycharm,thecake,glisteningwithfrostedsugar,andgarnishedbeautifully。TheyagreethatthereoughttobealittleCupidunderoneofthebarley-sugartemples,oratleasttwoheartsandanarrow;but,withthisexception,thereisnothingtowishfor,andatablecouldnotbehandsomer。Astheyarriveatthisconclusion,whoshouldcomeinbutMr。John!towhomJanesaysthatitsonlyAnnefromnumbersix;andJohnsaysHEknows,forhe’softenwinkedhiseyedownthearea,whichcausesAnnetoblushandlookconfused。Sheisgoingaway,indeed;whenMr。Johnwillhaveitthatshemustdrinkaglassofwine,andhesaysnevermindit’sbeingearlyinthemorning,itwon’thurther:sotheyshutthedoorandpouroutthewine;andAnnedrinkinglane’shealth,andadding,’andhere’swishingyouyours,Mr。John,’drinksitinagreatmanysips,-Mr。Johnallthetimemakingjokesappropriatetotheoccasion。AtlastMr。John,whohaswaxedbolderbydegrees,pleadstheusageatweddings,andclaimstheprivilegeofakiss,whichheobtainsafteragreatscuffle;andfootstepsbeingnowheardonthestairs,theydispersesuddenly。

  Bythistimeacarriagehasdrivenuptoconveythebridetochurch,andAnneofnumbersixprolongingtheprocessof’cleaningherdoor,’hasthesatisfactionofbeholdingthebrideandbridesmaids,andthepapaandmamma,hurryintothesameanddriverapidlyoff。Noristhisall,forsoonothercarriagesbegintoarrivewithaposseofcompanyallbeautifullydressed,atwhomshecouldstandandgazeforever;buthavingsomethingelsetodo,iscompelledtotakeonelastlonglookandshutthestreet-door。

  Andnowthecompanyhavegonedowntobreakfast,andtearshavegivenplacetosmiles,forallthecorksareoutofthelong-neckedbottles,andtheircontentsaredisappearingrapidly。MissEmma’spapaisatthetopofthetable;MissEmma’smammaatthebottom;

  andbesidethelatterareMissEmmaherselfandherhusband,-

  admittedonallhandstobethehandsomestandmostinterestingyoungcoupleeverknown。Alldownbothsidesofthetable,too,arevariousyoungladies,beautifultosee,andvariousyounggentlemenwhoseemtothinkso;andthere,inapostofhonour,isanunmarriedauntofMissEmma’s,reportedtopossessunheard-ofriches,andtohaveexpressedvasttestamentaryintentionsrespectingherfavouritenieceandnewnephew。Thisladyhasbeenveryliberalandgenerousalready,asthejewelswornbythebrideabundantlytestify,butthatisnothingtowhatshemeanstodo,oreventowhatshehasdone,forsheputherselfinclosecommunicationwiththedressmakerthreemonthsago,andpreparedawardrobe(withsomearticlesworkedbyherownhands)fitforaPrincess。Peoplemaycallheranoldmaid,andsoshemaybe,butsheisneithercrossnoruglyforallthat;onthecontrary,sheisverycheerfulandpleasant-looking,andverykindandtender-

  hearted:whichisnomatterofsurpriseexcepttothosewhoyieldtopopularprejudiceswithoutthinkingwhy,andwillnevergrowwiserandneverknowbetter。

  Ofallthecompanythough,nonearemorepleasanttobeholdorbetterpleasedwiththemselvesthantwoyoungchildren,who,inhonouroftheday,haveseatsamongtheguests。Ofthese,oneisalittlefellowofsixoreightyearsold,brothertothebride,-

  andtheotheragirlofthesameage,orsomethingyounger,whomhecalls’hiswife。’Therealbrideandbridegroomarenotmoredevotedthanthey:heallloveandattention,andsheallblushesandfondness,toyingwithalittlebouquetwhichhegaveherthismorning,andplacingthescatteredrose-leavesinherbosomwithnature’sowncoquettishness。Theyhavedreamtofeachotherintheirquietdreams,thesechildren,andtheirlittleheartshavebeennearlybrokenwhentheabsentonehasbeendispraisedinjest。

  Whenwilltherecomeinafter-lifeapassionsoearnest,generous,andtrueastheirs;what,eveninitsgentlestrealities,canhavethegraceandcharmthathoverroundsuchfairylovers!

  Bythistimethemerrimentandhappinessofthefeasthavegainedtheirheight;certainominouslooksbegintobeexchangedbetweenthebridesmaids,andsomehowitgetswhisperedaboutthatthecarriagewhichistotaketheyoungcoupleintothecountryhasarrived。Suchmembersofthepartyasaremostdisposedtoprolongitsenjoyments,affecttoconsiderthisafalsealarm,butitturnsouttootrue,beingspeedilyconfirmed,firstbytheretirementofthebrideandaselectfileofintimateswhoaretoprepareherforthejourney,andsecondlybythewithdrawaloftheladiesgenerally。Tothisthereensuesaparticularlyawkwardpause,inwhicheverybodyessaystobefacetious,andnobodysucceeds;atlengththebridegroommakesamysteriousdisappearanceinobediencetosomeequallymysterioussignal;andthetableisdeserted。

  Now,foratleastsixweekslastpastithasbeensolemnlydevisedandsettledthattheyoungcoupleshouldgoawayinsecret;buttheynosoonerappearwithoutthedoorthanthedrawing-roomwindowsareblockedupwithladieswavingtheirhandkerchiefsandkissingtheirhands,andthedining-roompaneswithgentlemen’sfacesbeamingfarewellineveryqueervarietyofitsexpression。

  Thehallandstepsarecrowdedwithservantsinwhitefavours,mixedupwithparticularfriendsandrelationswhohavedartedouttosaygood-bye;andforemostinthegrouparethetinyloversarminarm,thinking,withflutteringhearts,whathappinessitwouldbetodashawaytogetherinthatgallantcoach,andneverpartagain。

  Thebridehasbarelytimeforonehurriedglanceatheroldhome,whenthestepsrattle,thedoorslams,thehorsesclatteronthepavement,andtheyhaveleftitfaraway。

  Aknotofwomenservantsstillremainclusteredinthehall,whisperingamongthemselves,andthereofcourseisAnnefromnumbersix,whohasmadeanotherescapeonsomepleaorother,andbeenanadmiringwitnessofthedeparture。TherearetwopointsonwhichAnneexpatiatesoverandoveragain,withoutthesmallestappearanceoffatigueorintendingtoleaveoff;oneis,thatshe’neverseeinallherlifesucha-ohsuchaangelofagentlemanasMr。Harvey’-andtheother,thatshe’can’ttellhowitis,butitdon’tseemabitlikeawork-a-day,oraSundayneither-it’sallsounsettledandunregular。’

  THEFORMALCOUPLE

  Theformalcouplearethemostprim,cold,immovable,andunsatisfactorypeopleonthefaceoftheearth。Theirfaces,voices,dress,house,furniture,walk,andmanner,arealltheessenceofformality,unrelievedbyoneredeemingtouchoffrankness,heartiness,ornature。

  Everythingwiththeformalcoupleresolvesitselfintoamatterofform。Theydon’tcalluponyouonyouraccount,buttheirown;nottoseehowyouare,buttoshowhowtheyare:itisnotaceremonytodohonourtoyou,buttothemselves,-notduetoyourposition,buttotheirs。Ifoneofafriend’schildrendie,theformalcoupleareassureandpunctualinsendingtothehouseastheundertaker;ifafriend’sfamilybeincreased,themonthlynurseisnotmoreattentivethanthey。Theformalcouple,infact,joyfullyseizealloccasionsoftestifyingtheirgood-breedingandpreciseobservanceofthelittleusagesofsociety;andforyou,whoarethemeanstothisend,theycareasmuchasamandoesforthetailorwhohasenabledhimtocutafigure,orawomanforthemillinerwhohasassistedhertoaconquest。

  Havinganextensiveconnexionamongthatkindofpeoplewhomakeacquaintancesandeschewfriends,theformalgentlemanattendsfromtimetotimeagreatmanyfunerals,towhichheisformallyinvited,andtowhichheformallygoes,asreturningacallforthelasttime。Herehisdeportmentisofthemostfaultlessdescription;heknowstheexactpitchofvoiceitispropertoassume,thesombrelookheoughttowear,themelancholytreadwhichshouldbehisgaitfortheday。Heisperfectlyacquaintedwithallthedrearycourtesiestobeobservedinamourning-coach;

  knowswhentosigh,andwhentohidehisnoseinthewhitehandkerchief;andlooksintothegraveandshakeshisheadwhentheceremonyisconcluded,withthesadformalityofamute。

  ’Whatkindoffuneralwasit?’saystheformallady,whenhereturnshome。’Oh!’repliestheformalgentleman,’thereneverwassuchagrossanddisgustingimpropriety;therewerenofeathers。’

  ’Nofeathers!’criesthelady,asifonwingsofblackfeathersdeadpeopleflytoHeaven,and,lackingthem,theymustofnecessitygoelsewhere。Herhusbandshakeshishead;andfurtheradds,thattheyhadseed-cakeinsteadofplum-cake,andthatitwasallwhitewine。’Allwhitewine!’exclaimshiswife。’Nothingbutsherryandmadeira,’saysthehusband。’What!noport?’’Notadrop。’Noport,noplums,andnofeathers!’Youwillrecollect,mydear,’saystheformallady,inavoiceofstatelyreproof,’thatwhenwefirstmetthispoormanwhoisnowdeadandgone,andhetookthatverystrangecourseofaddressingmeatdinnerwithoutbeingpreviouslyintroduced,Iventuredtoexpressmyopinionthatthefamilywerequiteignorantofetiquette,andveryimperfectlyacquaintedwiththedecenciesoflife。Youhavenowhadagoodopportunityofjudgingforyourself,andallIhavetosayis,thatItrustyouwillnevergotoafuneralTHEREagain。’’Mydear,’

  repliestheformalgentleman,’Ineverwill。’Sotheinformaldeceasediscutinhisgrave;andtheformalcouple,whentheytellthestoryofthefuneral,shaketheirheads,andwonderwhatsomepeople’sfeelingsAREmadeof,andwhattheirnotionsofproprietyCANbe!

  Iftheformalcouplehaveafamily(whichtheysometimeshave),theyarenotchildren,butlittle,pale,sour,sharp-nosedmenandwomen;andsoexquisitelybroughtup,thattheymightbeveryolddwarfsforanythingthatappearethtothecontrary。Indeed,theyaresoacquaintedwithformsandconventionalities,andconductthemselveswithsuchstrictdecorum,thattoseethelittlegirlbreakalooking-glassinsomewildoutbreak,orthelittleboykickhisparents,wouldbetoanyvisitoranunspeakablereliefandconsolation。

  Theformalcouplearealwayssticklersforwhatisrigidlyproper,andhaveagreatreadinessindetectinghiddenimproprietyofspeechorthought,whichbylessscrupulouspeoplewouldbewhollyunsuspected。Thus,iftheypayavisittothetheatre,theysitallnightinaperfectagonylestanythingimproperorimmoralshouldproceedfromthestage;andifanythingshouldhappentobesaidwhichadmitsofadoubleconstruction,theyneverfailtotakeitupdirectly,andtoexpressbytheirlooksthegreatoutragewhichtheirfeelingshavesustained。Perhapsthisistheirchiefreasonforabsentingthemselvesalmostentirelyfromplacesofpublicamusement。TheygosometimestotheExhibitionoftheRoyalAcademy;-butthatisoftenmoreshockingthanthestageitself,andtheformalladythinksthatitreallyishightimeMr。Ettywasprosecutedandmadeapublicexampleof。

  Wemadeoneatachristeningpartynotlongsince,wheretherewereamongsttheguestsaformalcouple,whosufferedtheacutesttorturefromcertainjokes,incidentaltosuchanoccasion,cut-

  andverylikelydriedalso-byoneofthegodfathers;ared-facedelderlygentleman,who,beinghighlypopularwiththerestofthecompany,haditallhisownway,andwasingreatspirits。Itwasatsupper-timethatthisgentlemancameoutinfullforce。We-

  beingofagraveandquietdemeanour-hadbeenchosentoescorttheformalladydown-stairs,and,sittingbesideher,hadafavourableopportunityofobservingheremotions。

  Wehaveashrewdsuspicionthat,intheverybeginning,andinthefirstblush-literallythefirstblush-ofthematter,theformalladyhadnotfeltquitecertainwhetherthebeingpresentatsuchaceremony,andencouraging,asitwere,thepublicexhibitionofababy,wasnotanactinvolvingsomedegreeofindelicacyandimpropriety;butcertainwearethatwhenthatbaby’shealthwasdrunk,andallusionsweremade,byagrey-headedgentlemanproposingit,tothetimewhenhehaddandledinhisarmstheyoungChristian’smother,-certainwearethatthentheformalladytookthealarm,andrecoiledfromtheoldgentlemanasfromahoaryprofligate。Stillsheboreit;shefannedherselfwithanindignantair,butstillsheboreit。Acomicsongwassung,involvingaconfessionfromsomeimaginarygentlemanthathehadkissedafemale,andyettheformalladyboreit。Butwhenatlast,thehealthofthegodfatherbefore-mentionedbeingdrunk,thegodfatherrosetoreturnthanks,andinthecourseofhisobservationsdarklyhintedatbabiesyetunborn,andevencontemplatedthepossibilityofthesubjectofthatfestivalhavingbrothersandsisters,theformalladycouldendurenomore,but,bowingslightlyround,andsweepinghaughtilypasttheoffender,lefttheroomintears,undertheprotectionoftheformalgentleman。

  THELOVINGCOUPLE

  Therecannotbeabetterpracticalillustrationofthewisesawandancientinstance,thattheremaybetoomuchofagoodthing,thanispresentedbyalovingcouple。Undoubtedlyitismeetandproperthattwopersonsjoinedtogetherinholymatrimonyshouldbeloving,andunquestionablyitispleasanttoknowandseethattheyareso;butthereisatimeforallthings,andthecouplewhohappentobealwaysinalovingstatebeforecompany,arewell-nighintolerable。

  Andintakingupthispositionwewouldhaveitdistinctlyunderstoodthatwedonotseekalonethesympathyofbachelors,inwhoseobjectiontolovingcoupleswerecogniseinterestedmotivesandpersonalconsiderations。Wegrantthattothatunfortunateclassofsocietytheremaybesomethingveryirritating,tantalising,andprovoking,inbeingcompelledtowitnessthosegentleendearmentsandchasteinterchangeswhichtolovingcouplesarequitetheordinarybusinessoflife。Butwhilewerecognisethenaturalcharacteroftheprejudicetowhichtheseunhappymenaresubject,wecanneitherreceivetheirbiassedevidence,noraddressourselftotheirinflamedandangeredminds。Dispassionateexperienceisouronlyguide;andinthesemoralessaysweseeknolesstoreformhymenealoffendersthantoholdoutatimelywarningtoallrisingcouples,andeventothosewhohavenotyetsetforthupontheirpilgrimagetowardsthematrimonialmarket。

  Letallcouples,presentortocome,thereforeprofitbytheexampleofMr。andMrs。Leaver,themselvesalovingcoupleinthefirstdegree。

  Mr。andMrs。LeaverarepronouncedbyMrs。Starling,awidowladywholostherhusbandwhenshewasyoung,andlostherselfaboutthesame-time-forbyherowncountshehasneversincegrownfiveyearsolder-tobeaperfectmodelofweddedfelicity。’Youwouldsuppose,’saystheromanticlady,’thattheywereloversonlyjustnowengaged。Neverwassuchhappiness!Theyaresotender,soaffectionate,soattachedtoeachother,soenamoured,thatpositivelynothingcanbemorecharming!’

  ’Augusta,mysoul,’saysMr。Leaver。’Augustus,mylife,’repliesMrs。Leaver。’Singsomelittleballad,darling,’quothMr。Leaver。

  ’Icouldn’t,indeed,dearest,’returnsMrs。Leaver。’Do,mydove,’

  saysMr。Leaver。’Icouldn’tpossibly,mylove,’repliesMrs。

  Leaver;’andit’sverynaughtyofyoutoaskme。’’Naughty,darling!’criesMr。Leaver。’Yes,verynaughty,andverycruel,’

  returnsMrs。Leaver,’foryouknowIhaveasorethroat,andthattosingwouldgivemegreatpain。You’reamonster,andIhateyou。Goaway!’Mrs。Leaverhassaid’goaway,’becauseMr。Leaverhastappedherunderthechin:Mr。Leavernotdoingasheisbid,butonthecontrary,sittingdownbesideher,Mrs。LeaverslapsMr。

  Leaver;andMr。LeaverinreturnslapsMrs。Leaver,anditbeingnowtimeforallpersonspresenttolooktheotherway,theylooktheotherway,andhearastillsmallsoundasofkissing,atwhichMrs。Starlingisthoroughlyenraptured,andwhispersherneighbourthatifallmarriedcoupleswerelikethat,whataheaventhisearthwouldbe!

  Thelovingcoupleareathomewhenthisoccurs,andmaybeonlythreeorfourfriendsarepresent,but,unaccustomedtoreserveuponthisinterestingpoint,theyareprettymuchthesameabroad。

  Indeeduponsomeoccasions,suchasapic-nicorawater-party,theirlovingnessisevenmoredeveloped,aswehadanopportunitylastsummerofobservinginperson。

  Therewasagreatwater-partymadeuptogotoTwickenhamanddine,andafterwardsdanceinanemptyvillabytheriver-side,hiredexpresslyforthepurpose。Mr。andMrs。Leaverwereofthecompany;anditwasourfortunetohaveaseatinthesameboat,whichwasaneight-oaredgalley,mannedbyamateurs,withabluestripedawningofthesamepatternastheirGuernseyshirts,andadingyredflagofthesameshadeasthewhiskersofthestrokeoar。

  Acoxswainbeingappointed,andallothermattersadjusted,theeightgentlementhrewthemselvesintostrongparoxysms,andpulledupwiththetide,stimulatedbythecompassionateremarksoftheladies,whooneandallexclaimed,thatitseemedanimmenseexertion-asindeeditdid。Atfirstweracedtheotherboat,whichcamealongsideingallantstyle;butthisbeingfoundanunpleasantamusement,asgivingrisetoagreatquantityofsplashing,andrenderingthecoldpiesandotherviandsverymoist,itwasunanimouslyvoteddown,andweweresufferedtoshoota-

  head,whilethesecondboatfollowedingloriouslyinourwake。

  ItwasatthistimethatwefirstrecognisedMr。Leaver。Thereweretwofiremen-watermenintheboat,lyingbyuntilsomebodywasexhausted;andoneofthem,whohadtakenuponhimselfthedirectionofaffairs,washeardtocryinagruffvoice,’Pullaway,numbertwo-giveither,numbertwo-takealongerreach,numbertwo-now,numbertwo,sir,thinkyou’rewinningaboat。’

  ThegreaterpartofthecompanyhadnodoubtbeguntowonderwhichofthestripedGuernseysitmightbethatstoodinneedofsuchencouragement,whenastifledshriekfromMrs。Leaverconfirmedthedoubtfulandinformedtheignorant;andMr。Leaver,stillfurtherdisguisedinastrawhatandnoneckcloth,wasobservedtobeinafearfulperspiration,andfailingvisibly。Norwasthegeneralconsternationdiminishedatthisinstantbythesamegentleman(intheperformanceofanaccidentalaquaticfeat,termed’catchingacrab’)plungingsuddenlybackward,anddisplayingnothingofhimselftothecompany,buttwoviolentlystrugglinglegs。Mrs。

  Leavershriekedagainseveraltimes,andcriedpiteously-’Ishedead?Tellmetheworst。Ishedead?’

  Now,amoment’sreflectionmighthaveconvincedthelovingwife,thatunlessherhusbandwereendowedwithsomemostsurprisingpowersofmuscularaction,henevercouldbedeadwhilehekickedsohard;butstillMrs。Leavercried,’Ishedead?ishedead?’andstilleverybodyelsecried-’No,no,no,’untilsuchtimeasMr。

  Leaverwasreplacedinasittingposture,andhisoar(whichhadbeengoingthroughallkindsofwrong-headedperformancesonitsownaccount)wasoncemoreputinhishand,bytheexertionsofthetwofiremen-watermen。Mr。Leaverthenexclaimed,’Augustus,mychild,cometome;’andMr。Leaversaid,’Augusta,mylove,composeyourself,Iamnotinjured。’ButMrs。Leavercriedagainmorepiteouslythanbefore,’Augustus,mychild,cometome;’andnowthecompanygenerally,whoseemedtobeapprehensivethatifMr。

  Leaverremainedwherehewas,hemightcontributemorethanhispropersharetowardsthedrowningoftheparty,disinterestedlytookpartwithMrs。Leaver,andsaidhereallyoughttogo,andthathewasnotstrongenoughforsuchviolentexercise,andoughtnevertohaveundertakenit。Reluctantly,Mr。Leaverwent,andlaidhimselfdownatMrs。Leaver’sfeet,andMrs。Leaverstoopingoverhim,said,’OhAugustus,howcouldyouterrifymeso?’andMr。

  Leaversaid,’Augusta,mysweet,Inevermeanttoterrifyyou;’andMrs。Leaversaid,’Youarefaint,mydear;’andMr。Leaversaid,’I

  amratherso,mylove;’andtheywereverylovingindeedunderMrs。

  Leaver’sveil,untilatlengthMr。Leavercameforthagain,andpleasantlyaskedifhehadnotheardsomethingsaidaboutbottledstoutandsandwiches。

  Mrs。Starling,whowasoneoftheparty,wasperfectlydelightedwiththisscene,andfrequentlymurmuredhalf-aside,’Whatalovingcoupleyouare!’or’Howdelightfulitistoseemanandwifesohappytogether!’Tousshewasquitepoetical,(forweareakindofcousins,)observingthatheartsbeatinginunisonlikethatmadelifeaparadiseofsweets;andthatwhenkindredcreaturesweredrawntogetherbysympathiessofineanddelicate,whatmorethanmortalhappinessdidnotoursoulspartake!Toallthisweanswered’Certainly,’or’Verytrue,’ormerelysighed,asthecasemightbe。Ateverynewactofthelovingcouple,thewidow’sadmirationbrokeoutafresh;andwhenMrs。LeaverwouldnotpermitMr。Leavertokeephishatoff,lestthesunshouldstriketohishead,andgivehimabrainfever,Mrs。Starlingactuallyshedtears,andsaiditremindedherofAdamandEve。

  ThelovingcouplewerethuslovingallthewaytoTwickenham,butwhenwearrivedthere(bywhichtimetheamateurcrewlookedverythirstyandvicious)theyweremoreplayfulthanever,forMrs。

  LeaverthrewstonesatMr。Leaver,andMr。LeaverranafterMrs。

  Leaveronthegrass,inamostinnocentandenchantingmanner。Atdinner,too,Mr。LeaverWOULDstealMrs。Leaver’stongue,andMrs。

  LeaverWOULDretaliateuponMr。Leaver’sfowl;andwhenMrs。Leaverwasgoingtotakesomelobstersalad,Mr。Leaverwouldn’tletherhaveany,sayingthatitmadeherill,andshewasalwayssorryforitafterwards,whichaffordedMrs。Leaveranopportunityofpretendingtobecross,andshowingmanyotherprettinesses。Butthiswasmerelythesmilingsurfaceoftheirloves,notthemightydepthsofthestream,downtowhichthecompany,tosaythetruth,divedratherunexpectedly,fromthefollowingaccident。ItchancedthatMr。Leavertookuponhimselftoproposethebachelorswhohadfirstoriginatedthenotionofthatentertainment,indoingwhich,heaffectedtoregretthathewasnolongeroftheirbodyhimself,andpretendedgrievouslytolamenthisfallenstate。ThisMrs。

  Leaver’sfeelingscouldnotbrook,eveninjest,andconsequently,exclaimingaloud,’Helovesmenot,helovesmenot!’shefellinaverypitiablestateintothearmsofMrs。Starling,and,directlybecominginsensible,wasconveyedbythatladyandherhusbandintoanotherroom。PresentlyMr。Leavercamerunningbacktoknowiftherewasamedicalgentlemanincompany,andastherewas,(inwhatcompanyistherenot?)bothMr。Leaverandthemedicalgentlemanhurriedawaytogether。

  Themedicalgentlemanwasthefirstwhoreturned,andamonghisintimatefriendshewasobservedtolaughandwink,andlookasunmedicalasmightbe;butwhenMr。Leavercamebackhewasverysolemn,andinanswertoallinquiries,shookhishead,andremarkedthatAugustawasfartoosensitivetobetrifledwith-anopinionwhichthewidowsubsequentlyconfirmed。Findingthatshewasinnoimminentperil,however,therestofthepartybetookthemselvestodancingonthegreen,andverymerryandhappytheywere,andavastquantityofflirtationtherewas;thelastcircumstancebeingnodoubtattributable,partlytothefinenessoftheweather,andpartlytothelocality,whichiswellknowntobefavourabletoallharmlessrecreations。

  Inthebustleofthescene,Mr。andMrs。Leaverstoledowntotheboat,anddisposedthemselvesundertheawning,Mrs。LeaverrecliningherheaduponMr。Leaver’sshoulder,andMr。Leavergraspingherhandwithgreatfervour,andlookinginherfacefromtimetotimewithamelancholyandsympatheticaspect。Thewidowsatapart,feigningtobeoccupiedwithabook,butstealthilyobservingthemfrombehindherfan;andthetwofiremen-watermen,smokingtheirpipesonthebankhardby,nudgedeachother,andgrinnedinenjoymentofthejoke。Veryfewofthepartymissedthelovingcouple;andthefewwhodid,heartilycongratulatedeachotherontheirdisappearance。

  THECONTRADICTORYCOUPLE

  Onewouldsupposethattwopeoplewhoaretopasstheirwholelivestogether,andmustnecessarilybeveryoftenalonewitheachother,couldfindlittlepleasureinmutualcontradiction;andyetwhatismorecommonthanacontradictorycouple?

  Thecontradictorycoupleagreeinnothingbutcontradiction。TheyreturnhomefromMrs。Bluebottle’sdinner-party,eachinanoppositecornerofthecoach,anddonotexchangeasyllableuntiltheyhavebeenseatedforatleasttwentyminutesbythefiresideathome,whenthegentleman,raisinghiseyesfromthestove,allatoncebreakssilence:

  ’Whataveryextraordinarythingitis,’sayshe,’thatyouWILL

  contradict,Charlotte!’’Icontradict!’criesthelady,’butthat’sjustlikeyou。’’What’slikeme?’saysthegentlemansharply。’SayingthatIcontradictyou,’repliesthelady。’DoyoumeantosaythatyoudoNOTcontradictme?’retortsthegentleman;’doyoumeantosaythatyouhavenotbeencontradictingmethewholeofthisday?’’Doyoumeantotellmenow,thatyouhavenot?Imeantotellyounothingofthekind,’repliestheladyquietly;’whenyouarewrong,ofcourseIshallcontradictyou。’

  Duringthisdialoguethegentlemanhasbeentakinghisbrandy-and-

  waterononesideofthefire,andthelady,withherdressing-caseonthetable,hasbeencurlingherhairontheother。Shenowletsdownherbackhair,andproceedstobrushit;preservingatthesametimeanairofconsciousrectitudeandsufferingvirtue,whichisintendedtoexasperatethegentleman-anddoesso。

  ’Idobelieve,’hesays,takingthespoonoutofhisglass,andtossingitonthetable,’thatofalltheobstinate,positive,wrong-headedcreaturesthatwereeverborn,youarethemostso,Charlotte。’’Certainly,certainly,haveityourownway,pray。

  YouseehowmuchIcontradictyou,’rejoinsthelady。’Ofcourse,youdidn’tcontradictmeatdinner-time-ohno,notyou!’saysthegentleman。’Yes,Idid,’saysthelady。’Oh,youdid,’criesthegentleman’youadmitthat?’’Ifyoucallthatcontradiction,I

  do,’theladyanswers;’andIsayagain,Edward,thatwhenIknowyouarewrong,Iwillcontradictyou。Iamnotyourslave。’’Notmyslave!’repeatsthegentlemanbitterly;’andyoustillmeantosaythatintheBlackburns’newhousetherearenotmorethanfourteendoors,includingthedoorofthewine-cellar!’’Imeantosay,’retortsthelady,beatingtimewithherhair-brushonthepalmofherhand,’thatinthathousetherearefourteendoorsandnomore。’’Wellthen-’criesthegentleman,risingindespair,andpacingtheroomwithrapidstrides。’ByG-,thisisenoughtodestroyaman’sintellect,anddrivehimmad!’

  Byandbythegentlemancomes-toalittle,andpassinghishandgloomilyacrosshisforehead,reseatshimselfinhisformerchair。

  Thereisalongsilence,andthistimetheladybegins。’I

  appealedtoMr。Jenkins,whosatnexttomeonthesofainthedrawing-roomduringtea-’’Morgan,youmean,’interruptsthegentleman。’Idonotmeananythingofthekind,’answersthelady。

  ’Now,byallthatisaggravatingandimpossibletobear,’criesthegentleman,clenchinghishandsandlookingupwardsinagony,’sheisgoingtoinsistuponitthatMorganisJenkins!’’Doyoutakemeforaperfectfool?’exclaimsthelady;’doyousupposeIdon’tknowtheonefromtheother?DoyousupposeIdon’tknowthatthemaninthebluecoatwasMr。Jenkins?’’Jenkinsinabluecoat!’

  criesthegentlemanwithagroan;’Jenkinsinabluecoat!amanwhowouldsufferdeathratherthanwearanythingbutbrown!’’Doyoudaretochargemewithtellinganuntruth?’demandsthelady,burstingintotears。’Ichargeyou,ma’am,’retortsthegentleman,startingup,’withbeingamonsterofcontradiction,amonsterofaggravation,a-a-a-Jenkinsinabluecoat!-whathaveIdonethatIshouldbedoomedtohearsuchstatements!’

  Expressinghimselfwithgreatscornandanguish,thegentlemantakesuphiscandleandstalksofftobed,wherefeigningtobefastasleepwhentheladycomesup-stairsdrownedintears,murmuringlamentationsoverherhardfateandindistinctintentionsofconsultingherbrothers,heundergoesthesecrettortureofhearingherexclaimbetweenwhiles,’Iknowthereareonlyfourteendoorsinthehouse,IknowitwasMr。Jenkins,Iknowhehadabluecoaton,andIwouldsayitaspositivelyasIdonow,iftheywerethelastwordsIhadtospeak!’

  Ifthecontradictorycoupleareblessedwithchildren,theyarenotthelesscontradictoryonthataccount。MasterJamesandMissCharlottepresentthemselvesafterdinner,andbeinginperfectgoodhumour,andfindingtheirparentsinthesameamiablestate,augurfromtheseappearanceshalfaglassofwinea-pieceandotherextraordinaryindulgences。ButunfortunatelyMasterJames,growingtalkativeuponsuchprospects,askshismammahowtallMrs。Parsonsis,andwhethersheisnotsixfeethigh;towhichhismammareplies,’Yes,sheshouldthinkshewas,forMrs。Parsonsisaverytallladyindeed;quiteagiantess。’’ForHeaven’ssake,Charlotte,’criesherhusband,’donottellthechildsuchpreposterousnonsense。Sixfeethigh!’’Well,’repliesthelady,’surelyImaybepermittedtohaveanopinion;myopinionis,thatsheissixfeethigh-atleastsixfeet。’’Nowyouknow,Charlotte,’retortsthegentlemansternly,’thatthatisNOTyouropinion-thatyouhavenosuchidea-andthatyouonlysaythisforthesakeofcontradiction。’’Youareexceedinglypolite,’hiswifereplies;’tobewrongaboutsuchapaltryquestionasanybody’sheight,wouldbenogreatcrime;butIsayagain,thatI

  believeMrs。Parsonstobesixfeet-morethansixfeet;nay,I

  believeyouknowhertobefullsixfeet,andonlysaysheisnot,becauseIsaysheis。’Thistauntdisposesthegentlemantobecomeviolent,buthecheekshimself,andiscontenttomutter,inahaughtytone,’Sixfeet-ha!ha!Mrs。Parsonssixfeet!’andtheladyanswers,’Yes,sixfeet。IamsureIamgladyouareamused,andI’llsayitagain-sixfeet。’Thusthesubjectgraduallydropsoff,andthecontradictionbeginstobeforgotten,whenMasterJames,withsomeundefinednotionofmakinghimselfagreeable,andputtingthingstorightsagain,unfortunatelyaskshismammawhatthemoon’smadeof;whichgivesheroccasiontosaythathehadbetternotaskher,forsheisalwayswrongandnevercanberight;thatheonlyexposeshertocontradictionbyaskinganyquestionofher;andthathehadbetteraskhispapa,whoisinfallible,andnevercanbewrong。Papa,smartingunderthisattack,givesaterriblepullatthebell,andsays,thatiftheconversationistoproceedinthisway,thechildrenhadbetterberemoved。Removedtheyare,afterafewtearsandmanystruggles;

  andPahavinglookedatMasidewaysforaminuteortwo,withabalefuleye,drawshispocket-handkerchiefoverhisface,andcomposeshimselfforhisafter-dinnernap。

  Thefriendsofthecontradictorycoupleoftendeploretheirfrequentdisputes,thoughtheyrathermakelightofthematthesametime:observing,thatthereisnodoubttheyareverymuchattachedtoeachother,andthattheyneverquarrelexceptabouttrifles。Butneitherthefriendsofthecontradictorycouple,northecontradictorycouplethemselves,reflect,thatasthemoststupendousobjectsinnaturearebutvastcollectionsofminuteparticles,sotheslightestandleastconsideredtriflesmakeupthesumofhumanhappinessormisery。

  THECOUPLEWHODOTEUPONTHEIRCHILDREN

  Thecouplewhodoteupontheirchildrenhaveusuallyagreatmanyofthem:sixoreightatleast。Thechildrenareeitherthehealthiestinalltheworld,orthemostunfortunateinexistence。

  Ineithercase,theyareequallythethemeoftheirdotingparents,andequallyasourceofmentalanguishandirritationtotheirdotingparents’friends。

  Thecouplewhodoteupontheirchildrenrecognisenodatesbutthoseconnectedwiththeirbirths,accidents,illnesses,orremarkabledeeds。TheykeepamentalalmanackwithavastnumberofInnocents’-days,allinredletters。Theyrecollectthelastcoronation,becauseonthatdaylittleTomfelldownthekitchenstairs;theanniversaryoftheGunpowderPlot,becauseitwasonthefifthofNovemberthatNedaskedwhetherwoodenlegsweremadeinheavenandcockedhatsgrewingardens。Mrs。Whifflerwillneverceasetorecollectthelastdayoftheoldyearaslongasshelives,foritwasonthatdaythatthebabyhadthefourredspotsonitsnosewhichtheytookformeasles:norChristmas-day,fortwenty-onedaysafterChristmas-daythetwinswereborn;norGoodFriday,foritwasonaGoodFridaythatshewasfrightenedbythedonkey-cartwhenshewasinthefamilywaywithGeorgiana。ThemovablefeastshavenomotionforMr。andMrs。Whiffler,butremainpinneddowntightandfasttotheshouldersofsomesmallchild,fromwhomtheycanneverbeseparatedanymore。Timewasmade,accordingtotheircreed,notforslavesbutforgirlsandboys;

  therestlesssandsinhisglassarebutlittlechildrenatplay。

  Aswehavealreadyintimated,thechildrenofthiscouplecanknownomedium。Theyareeitherprodigiesofgoodhealthorprodigiesofbadhealth;whatevertheyare,theymustbeprodigies。Mr。

  Whifflermusthavetodescribeathisofficesuchexcruciatingagoniesconstantlyundergonebyhiseldestboy,asnobodyelse’seldestboyeverunderwent;orhemustbeabletodeclarethatthereneverwasachildendowedwithsuchamazinghealth,suchanindomitableconstitution,andsuchacast-ironframe,ashischild。

  Hischildrenmustbe,insomerespectorother,aboveandbeyondthechildrenofallotherpeople。Tosuchanextentisthisfeelingpushed,thatwewereonceslightlyacquaintedwithaladyandgentlemanwhocarriedtheirheadssohighandbecamesoproudaftertheiryoungestchildfelloutofatwo-pair-of-stairswindowwithouthurtinghimselfmuch,thatthegreaterpartoftheirfriendswereobligedtoforegotheiracquaintance。Butperhapsthismaybeanextremecase,andonenotjustlyentitledtobeconsideredasaprecedentofgeneralapplication。

  Ifafriendhappentodineinafriendlywaywithoneofthesecoupleswhodoteupontheirchildren,itisnearlyimpossibleforhimtodiverttheconversationfromtheirfavouritetopic。

  EverythingremindsMr。WhifflerofNed,orMrs。WhifflerofMaryAnne,orofthetimebeforeNedwasborn,orthetimebeforeMaryAnnewasthoughtof。Theslightestremark,howeverharmlessinitself,willawakenslumberingrecollectionsofthetwins。Itisimpossibletosteerclearofthem。Theywillcomeuppermost,letthepoormandowhathemay。Nedhasbeenknowntobelostsightofforhalfanhour,Dickhasbeenforgotten,thenameofMaryAnnehasnotbeenmentioned,butthetwinswillout。Nothingcankeepdownthetwins。

  ’It’saveryextraordinarything,Saunders,’saysMr。Whifflertothevisitor,’but-youhaveseenourlittlebabies,the-the-

  twins?’Thefriend’sheartsinkswithinhimasheanswers,’Oh,yes-often。’’YourtalkingofthePyramids,’saysMr。Whiffler,quiteasamatterofcourse,’remindsmeofthetwins。It’saveryextraordinarythingaboutthosebabies-whatcolourshouldyousaytheireyeswere?’’Uponmyword,’thefriendstammers,’Ihardlyknowhowtoanswer’-thefactbeing,thatexceptasthefrienddoesnotremembertohaveheardofanydeparturefromtheordinarycourseofnatureintheinstanceofthesetwins,theymighthavenoeyesatallforaughthehasobservedtothecontrary。’Youwouldn’tsaytheywerered,Isuppose?’saysMr。Whiffler。Thefriendhesitates,andratherthinkstheyare;butinferringfromtheexpressionofMr。Whiffler’sfacethatredisnotthecolour,smileswithsomeconfidence,andsays,’No,no!verydifferentfromthat。’’Whatshouldyousaytoblue?’saysMr。Whiffler。Thefriendglancesathim,andobservingadifferentexpressioninhisface,venturestosay,’IshouldsaytheyWEREblue-adecidedblue。’’Tobesure!’criesMr。Whiffler,triumphantly,’Iknewyouwould!ButwhatshouldyousayifIwastotellyouthattheboy’seyesareblueandthegirl’shazel,eh?’’Impossible!’exclaimsthefriend,notatallknowingwhyitshouldbeimpossible。’A

  fact,notwithstanding,’criesMr。Whiffler;’andletmetellyou,Saunders,THAT’Snotacommonthingintwins,oracircumstancethat’llhappeneveryday。’

  InthisdialogueMrs。Whiffler,asbeingdeeplyresponsibleforthetwins,theircharmsandsingularities,hastakennoshare;butshenowrelates,inbrokenEnglish,awitticismoflittleDick’sbearinguponthesubjectjustdiscussed,whichdelightsMr。

  Whifflerbeyondmeasure,andcauseshimtodeclarethathewouldhaveswornthatwasDick’sifhehadhearditanywhere。ThenherequeststhatMrs。WhifflerwilltellSaunderswhatTomsaidaboutmadbulls;andMrs。Whifflerrelatingtheanecdote,adiscussionensuesuponthedifferentcharacterofTom’switandDick’swit,fromwhichitappearsthatDick’shumourisofalivelyturn,whileTom’sstyleisthedryandcaustic。Thisdiscussionbeingenlivenedbyvariousillustrations,lastsalongtime,andisonlystoppedbyMrs。Whifflerinstructingthefootmantoringthenurserybell,asthechildrenwerepromisedthattheyshouldcomedownandtastethepudding。

  Thefriendturnspalewhenthisorderisgiven,andpalerstillwhenitisfollowedupbyagreatpatteringonthestaircase,(notunlikethesoundofrainuponaskylight,)aviolentburstingopenofthedining-roomdoor,andthetumultuousappearanceofsixsmallchildren,closelysucceededbyastrongnursery-maidwithatwinineacharm。Asthewholeeightarescreaming,shouting,orkicking-

  someinfluencedbyaravenousappetite,somebyahorrorofthestranger,andsomebyaconflictofthetwofeelings-aprettylongspaceelapsesbeforealltheirheadscanberangedroundthetableandanythinglikeorderrestored;inbringingaboutwhichhappystateofthingsboththenurseandfootmanareseverelyscratched。AtlengthMrs。Whifflerisheardtosay,’Mr。Saunders,shallIgiveyousomepudding?’Abreathlesssilenceensues,andsixteensmalleyesarefixedupontheguestinexpectationofhisreply。Awildshoutofjoyproclaimsthathehassaid’No,thankyou。’Spoonsarewavedintheair,legsappearabovethetable-

  clothinuncontrollableecstasy,andeightyshortfingersdabbleindamsonsyrup。

  Whilethepuddingisbeingdisposedof,Mr。andMrs。Whifflerlookonwithbeamingcountenances,andMr。WhifflernudginghisfriendSaunders,begshimtotakenoticeofTom’seyes,orDick’schin,orNed’snose,orMaryAnne’shair,orEmily’sfigure,orlittleBob’scalves,orFanny’smouth,orCarry’shead,asthecasemaybe。

  WhatevertheattentionofMr。Saundersiscalledto,Mr。Saundersadmiresofcourse;thoughheisratherconfusedaboutthesexoftheyoungestbranchesandlooksatthewrongchildren,turningtoagirlwhenMr。Whifflerdirectshisattentiontoaboy,andfallingintoraptureswithaboywhenheoughttobeenchantedwithagirl。

  Thenthedessertcomes,andthereisavastdealofscramblingafterfruit,andsuddenspirtingforthofjuiceoutoftightorangesintoinfanteyes,andmuchscreechingandwailinginconsequence。AtlengthitbecomestimeforMrs。Whifflertoretire,andallthechildrenarebyforceofarmscompelledtokissandloveMr。Saundersbeforegoingup-stairs,exceptTom,who,lyingonhisbackinthehall,proclaimsthatMr。Saunders’isanaughtybeast;’andDick,whohavingdrunkhisfather’swinewhenhewaslookinganotherway,isfoundtobeintoxicatedandiscarriedout,verylimpandhelpless。

  Mr。Whifflerandhisfriendareleftalonetogether,butMr。

  Whiffler’sthoughtsarestillwithhisfamily,ifhisfamilyarenotwithhim。’Saunders,’sayshe,afterashortsilence,’ifyouplease,we’lldrinkMrs。Whifflerandthechildren。’Mr。Saundersfeelsthistobeareproachagainsthimselffornotproposingthesamesentiment,anddrinksitinsomeconfusion。’Ah!’Mr。

  Whifflersighs,’thesechildren,Saunders,makeonequiteanoldman。’Mr。Saundersthinksthatiftheywerehis,theywouldmakehimaveryoldman;buthesaysnothing。’Andyet,’pursuesMr。

  Whiffler,’whatcanequaldomestichappiness?whatcanequaltheengagingwaysofchildren!Saunders,whydon’tyougetmarried?’

  Now,thisisanembarrassingquestion,becauseMr。Saundershasbeenthinkingthatifhehadatanytimeentertainedmatrimonialdesigns,therevelationofthatdaywouldsurelyhaveroutedthemforever。’Iamglad,however,’saysMr。Whiffler,’thatyouAREabachelor,-gladononeaccount,Saunders;aselfishone,Iadmit。

  WillyoudoMrs。Whifflerandmyselfafavour?’Mr。Saundersissurprised-evidentlysurprised;buthereplies,’withthegreatestpleasure。’’Then,willyou,Saunders,’saysMr。Whiffler,inanimpressivemanner,’willyoucementandconsolidateourfriendshipbycomingintothefamily(sotospeak)asagodfather?’’Ishallbeproudanddelighted,’repliesMr。Saunders:’whichofthechildrenisit?really,Ithoughttheywereallchristened;or-’

  ’Saunders,’Mr。Whifflerinterposes,’theyAREallchristened;youareright。Thefactis,thatMrs。Whiffleris-inshort,weexpectanother。’’Notaninth!’criesthefriend,allaghastattheidea。’Yes,Saunders,’rejoinsMr。Whiffler,solemnly,’aninth。DidwedrinkMrs。Whiffler’shealth?Letusdrinkitagain,Saunders,andwishherwelloverit!’

  DoctorJohnsonusedtotellastoryofamanwhohadbutoneidea,whichwasawrongone。Thecouplewhodoteupontheirchildrenareinthesamepredicament:athomeorabroad,atalltimes,andinallplaces,theirthoughtsareboundupinthisonesubject,andhavenospherebeyond。Theyrelatethecleverthingstheiroffspringsayordo,andwearyeverycompanywiththeirprolixityandabsurdity。Mr。WhifflertakesafriendbythebuttonatastreetcorneronawindydaytotellhimaBONMOTofhisyoungestboy’s;andMrs。Whiffler,callingtoseeasickacquaintance,entertainsherwithacheerfulaccountofallherownpastsufferingsandpresentexpectations。Insuchcasesthesinsofthefathersindeeddescenduponthechildren;forpeoplesooncometoregardthemaspredestinedlittlebores。Thecouplewhodoteupontheirchildrencannotbesaidtobeactuatedbyagenerallovefortheseengaginglittlepeople(whichwouldbeagreatexcuse);fortheyareapttounderrateandentertainajealousyofanychildrenbuttheirown。Iftheyexaminedtheirownhearts,theywould,perhaps,findatthebottomofallthis,moreself-loveandegotismthantheythinkof。Self-loveandegotismarebadqualities,ofwhichtheunrestrainedexhibition,thoughitmaybesometimesamusing,neverfailstobewearisomeandunpleasant。Coupleswhodoteupontheirchildren,therefore,arebestavoided。

  THECOOLCOUPLE

  Thereisanold-fashionedweather-glassrepresentingahousewithtwodoorways,inoneofwhichisthefigureofagentleman,intheotherthefigureofalady。Whentheweatheristobefinetheladycomesoutandthegentlemangoesin;whenwet,thegentlemancomesoutandtheladygoesin。Theyneverseekeachother’ssociety,areneverelevatedanddepressedbythesamecause,andhavenothingincommon。Theyarethemodelofacoolcouple,exceptthatthereissomethingofpolitenessandconsiderationaboutthebehaviourofthegentlemanintheweather-glass,inwhich,neitherofthecoolcouplecanbesaidtoparticipate。

  Thecoolcoupleareseldomalonetogether,andwhentheyare,nothingcanexceedtheirapathyanddulness:thegentlemanbeingforthemostpartdrowsy,andtheladysilent。Iftheyenterintoconversation,itisusuallyofanironicalorrecriminatorynature。

  Thus,whenthegentlemanhasindulgedinaverylongyawnandsettledhimselfmoresnuglyinhiseasy-chair,theladywillperhapsremark,’Well,Iamsure,Charles!Ihopeyou’recomfortable。’Towhichthegentlemanreplies,’Ohyes,he’squitecomfortablequite。’’Therearenotmanymarriedmen,Ihope,’

  returnsthelady,’whoseekcomfortinsuchselfishgratificationsasyoudo。’’NormanywiveswhoseekcomfortinsuchselfishgratificationsasYOUdo,Ihope,’retortsthegentleman。’Whosefaultisthat?’demandsthelady。Thegentlemanbecomingmoresleepy,returnsnoanswer。’Whosefaultisthat?’theladyrepeats。Thegentlemanstillreturningnoanswer,shegoesontosaythatshebelievesthereneverwasinallthisworldanybodysoattachedtoherhome,sothoroughlydomestic,sounwillingtoseekamoment’sgratificationorpleasurebeyondherownfiresideasshe。Godknowsthatbeforeshewasmarriedsheneverthoughtordreamtofsuchathing;andsheremembersthatherpoorpapausedtosayagainandagain,almosteverydayofhislife,’Oh,mydearLouisa,ifyouonlymarryamanwhounderstandsyou,andtakesthetroubletoconsideryourhappinessandaccommodatehimselfaverylittletoyourdisposition,whatatreasurehewillfindinyou!’

点击下载App,搜索"Sketches of Young Couples",免费读到尾