\"It’sbypictures，pictureslikethatonemustgetatyou，\"I
thoughttomyself，thoughIdidspeakwithrealfeeling，andallatonceIflushedcrimson。\"Whatifsheweresuddenlytoburstoutlaughing，whatshouldIdothen？\"Thatideadrovemetofury。TowardstheendofmyspeechIreallywasexcited，andnowmyvanitywassomehowwounded。Thesilencecontinued。Ialmostnudgedher。
\"Whyareyou——\"shebeganandstopped。ButIunderstood：therewasaquiverofsomethingdifferentinhervoice，notabrupt，harshandunyieldingasbefore，butsomethingsoftandshamefaced，soshamefacedthatIsuddenlyfeltashamedandguilty。
\"What？\"Iasked，withtendercuriosity\"Why，you……\"
\"What？\"
\"Why，you……speaksomehowlikeabook，\"shesaid，andagaintherewasanoteofironyinhervoice。
Thatremarksentapangtomyheart。ItwasnotwhatIwasexpecting。
Ididnotunderstandthatshewashidingherfeelingsunderirony，thatthisisusuallythelastrefugeofmodestandchaste-souledpeoplewhentheprivacyoftheirsouliscoarselyandintrusivelyinvaded，andthattheirpridemakesthemrefusetosurrendertillthelastmomentandshrinkfromgivingexpressiontotheirfeelingsbeforeyou。Ioughttohaveguessedthetruthfromthetimiditywithwhichshehadrepeatedlyapproachedhersarcasm，onlybringingherselftoutteritatlastwithaneffort。ButIdidnotguess，andanevilfeelingtookpossessionofme。
\"Waitabit！\"Ithought。
VII
\"Oh，hush，Liza！Howcanyoutalkaboutbeinglikeabook，whenitmakesevenme，anoutsider，feelsick？ThoughIdon’tlookatitasanoutsider，for，indeed，ittouchesmetotheheart……Isitpossible，isitpossiblethatyoudonotfeelsickatbeinghereyourself？Evidentlyhabitdoeswonders！Godknowswhathabitcandowithanyone。Canyouseriouslythinkthatyouwillnevergrowold，thatyouwillalwaysbegood-looking，andthattheywillkeepyouhereforeverandever？Isaynothingoftheloathsomenessofthelifehere……Thoughletmetellyouthisaboutit——aboutyourpresentlife，Imean;herethoughyouareyoungnow，attractive，nice，withsoulandfeeling，yetyouknowassoonasIcametomyselfjustnowIfeltatoncesickatbeingherewithyou！Onecanonlycomeherewhenoneisdrunk。Butifyouwereanywhereelse，livingasgoodpeoplelive，Ishouldperhapsbemorethanattractedbyyou，shouldfallinlovewithyou，shouldbegladofalookfromyou，letaloneaword;I
shouldhangaboutyourdoor，shouldgodownonmykneestoyou，shouldlookuponyouasmybetrothedandthinkitanhonourtobeallowedto。Ishouldnotdaretohaveanimpurethoughtaboutyou。Buthere，yousee，IknowthatIhaveonlytowhistleandyouhavetocomewithmewhetheryoulikeitornot。Idon’tconsultyourwishes，butyoumine。Thelowestlabourerhireshimselfasaworkman，buthedoesn’tmakeaslaveofhimselfaltogether;besides，heknowsthathewillbefreeagainpresently。Butwhenareyoufree？Onlythinkwhatyouaregivinguphere？Whatisityouaremakingaslaveof？Itisyoursoul，togetherwithyourbody;youaresellingyoursoulwhichyouhavenorighttodisposeof！Yougiveyourlovetobeoutragedbyeverydrunkard！Love！Butthat’severything，youknow，it’sapricelessdiamond，it’samaiden’streasure，love——why，amanwouldbereadytogivehissoul，tofacedeathtogainthatlove。Buthowmuchisyourloveworthnow？Youaresold，allofyou，bodyandsoul，andthereisnoneedtostriveforlovewhenyoucanhaveeverythingwithoutlove。Andyouknowthereisnogreaterinsulttoagirlthanthat，doyouunderstand？Tobesure，Ihaveheardthattheycomfortyou，poorfools，theyletyouhaveloversofyourownhere。Butyouknowthat’ssimplyafarce，that’ssimplyasham，it’sjustlaughingatyou，andyouaretakeninbyit！Why，doyousupposehereallylovesyou，thatloverofyours？Idon’tbelieveit。Howcanheloveyouwhenheknowsyoumaybecalledawayfromhimanyminute？Hewouldbealowfellowifhedid！Willhehaveagrainofrespectforyou？Whathaveyouincommonwithhim？Helaughsatyouandrobsyou——thatisallhisloveamountsto！Youareluckyifhedoesnotbeatyou。Verylikelyhedoesbeatyou，too。Askhim，ifyouhavegotone，whetherhewillmarryyou。
Hewilllaughinyourface，ifhedoesn’tspitinitorgiveyouablow——thoughmaybeheisnotworthabadhalfpennyhimself。
Andforwhathaveyouruinedyourlife，ifyoucometothinkofit？Forthecoffeetheygiveyoutodrinkandtheplentifulmeals？Butwithwhatobjectaretheyfeedingyouup？Anhonestgirlcouldn’tswallowthefood，forshewouldknowwhatshewasbeingfedfor。Youareindebthere，and，ofcourse，youwillalwaysbeindebt，andyouwillgoonindebttotheend，tillthevisitorsherebegintoscornyou。Andthatwillsoonhappen，don’trelyuponyouryouth——allthatfliesbyexpresstrainhere，youknow。Youwillbekickedout。Andnotsimplykickedout;
longbeforethatshe’llbeginnaggingatyou，scoldingyou，abusingyou，asthoughyouhadnotsacrificedyourhealthforher，hadnotthrownawayyouryouthandyoursoulforherbenefit，butasthoughyouhadruinedher，beggaredher，robbedher。Anddon’texpectanyonetotakeyourpart：theothers，yourcompanions，willattackyou，too，winherfavour，forallareinslaveryhere，andhavelostallconscienceandpityherelongago。Theyhavebecomeutterlyvile，andnothingonearthisviler，moreloathsome，andmoreinsultingthantheirabuse。Andyouarelayingdowneverythinghere，unconditionally，youthandhealthandbeautyandhope，andattwenty-twoyouwilllooklikeawomanoffive-and-thirty，andyouwillbeluckyifyouarenotdiseased，praytoGodforthat！Nodoubtyouarethinkingnowthatyouhaveagaytimeandnoworktodo！Yetthereisnoworkharderormoredreadfulintheworldoreverhasbeen。Onewouldthinkthattheheartalonewouldbewornoutwithtears。Andyouwon’tdaretosayaword，nothalfawordwhentheydriveyouawayfromhere;youwillgoawayasthoughyouweretoblame。
Youwillchangetoanotherhouse，thentoathird，thensomewhereelse，tillyoucomedownatlasttotheHaymarket。Thereyouwillbebeatenateveryturn;thatisgoodmannersthere，thevisitorsdon’tknowhowtobefriendlywithoutbeatingyou。Youdon’tbelievethatitissohatefulthere？Goandlookforyourselfsometime，youcanseewithyourowneyes。Once，oneNewYear’sDay，Isawawomanatadoor。Theyhadturnedheroutasajoke，togiveheratasteofthefrostbecauseshehadbeencryingsomuch，andtheyshutthedoorbehindher。Atnineo’clockinthemorningshewasalreadyquitedrunk，dishevelled，half-naked，coveredwithbruises，herfacewaspowdered，butshehadablack-eye，bloodwastricklingfromhernoseandherteeth;
somecabmanhadjustgivenheradrubbing。Shewassittingonthestonesteps，asaltfishofsomesortwasinherhand;shewascrying，wailingsomethingaboutherluckandbeatingwiththefishonthesteps，andcabmenanddrunkensoldierswerecrowdinginthedoorwaytauntingher。Youdon’tbelievethatyouwilleverbelikethat？Ishouldbesorrytobelieveit，too，buthowdoyouknow;maybetenyears，eightyearsagothatverywomanwiththesaltfishcameherefreshasacherub，innocent，pure，knowingnoevil，blushingateveryword。Perhapsshewaslikeyou，proud，readytotakeoffence，notliketheothers;perhapsshelookedlikeaqueen，andknewwhathappinesswasinstoreforthemanwhoshouldloveherandwhomsheshouldlove。Doyouseehowitended？Andwhatifatthatveryminutewhenshewasbeatingonthefilthystepswiththatfish，drunkenanddishevelled——whatifatthatveryminutesherecalledthepureearlydaysinherfather’shouse，whensheusedtogotoschoolandtheneighbour’ssonwatchedforherontheway，declaringthathewouldloveheraslongashelived，thathewoulddevotehislifetoher，andwhentheyvowedtoloveoneanotherforeverandbemarriedassoonastheyweregrownup！No，Liza，itwouldbehappyforyouifyouweretodiesoonofconsumptioninsomecorner，insomecellarlikethatwomanjustnow。Inthehospital，doyousay？Youwillbeluckyiftheytakeyou，butwhatifyouarestillofusetothemadamhere？Consumptionisaqueerdisease，itisnotlikefever。Thepatientgoesonhopingtillthelastminuteandsaysheisallright。Hedeludeshimself。Andthatjustsuitsyourmadam。Don’tdoubtit，that’showitis;youhavesoldyoursoul，andwhatismoreyouowemoney，soyoudaren’tsayaword。Butwhenyouaredying，allwillabandonyou，allwillturnawayfromyou，forthentherewillbenothingtogetfromyou。What’smore，theywillreproachyouforcumberingtheplace，forbeingsolongoverdying。
Howeveryoubegyouwon’tgetadrinkofwaterwithoutabuse：
’Wheneverareyougoingoff，younastyhussy，youwon’tletussleepwithyourmoaning，youmakethegentlemensick。’That’strue，Ihaveheardsuchthingssaidmyself。Theywillthrustyoudyingintothefilthiestcornerinthecellar——inthedampanddarkness;whatwillyourthoughtsbe，lyingtherealone？Whenyoudie，strangehandswilllayyouout，withgrumblingandimpatience;noonewillblessyou，noonewillsighforyou，theyonlywanttogetridofyouassoonasmaybe;theywillbuyacoffin，takeyoutothegraveastheydidthatpoorwomantoday，andcelebrateyourmemoryatthetavern。Inthegrave，sleet，filth，wetsnow——noneedtoputthemselvesoutforyou——’Letherdown，Vanuha;it’sjustlikeherluck——evenhere，sheishead-foremost，thehussy。Shortenthecord，yourascal。’’It’sallrightasitis。’’Allright，isit？Why，she’sonherside！
Shewasafellow-creature，afterall！But，nevermind，throwtheearthonher。’Andtheywon’tcaretowastemuchtimequarrellingoveryou。Theywillscatterthewetblueclayasquickastheycanandgoofftothetavern……andthereyourmemoryonearthwillend;otherwomenhavechildrentogototheirgraves，fathers，husbands。Whileforyouneithertear，norsigh，norremembrance;nooneinthewholeworldwillevercometoyou，yournamewillvanishfromthefaceoftheearth——asthoughyouhadneverexisted，neverbeenbornatall！Nothingbutfilthandmud，howeveryouknockatyourcoffinlidatnight，whenthedeadarise，howeveryoucry：’Letmeout，kindpeople，toliveinthelightofday！Mylifewasnolifeatall;mylifehasbeenthrownawaylikeadish-clout;itwasdrunkawayinthetavernattheHaymarket;letmeout，kindpeople，toliveintheworldagain。’\"
AndIworkedmyselfuptosuchapitchthatIbegantohavealumpinmythroatmyself，and……andallatonceIstopped，satupindismayand，bendingoverapprehensively，begantolistenwithabeatingheart。Ihadreasontobetroubled。
IhadfeltforsometimethatIwasturninghersoulupsidedownandrendingherheart，and——andthemoreIwasconvincedofit，themoreeagerlyIdesiredtogainmyobjectasquicklyandaseffectuallyaspossible。Itwastheexerciseofmyskillthatcarriedmeaway;yetitwasnotmerelysport……
IknewIwasspeakingstiffly，artificially，evenbookishly，infact，Icouldnotspeakexcept\"likeabook。\"Butthatdidnottroubleme：Iknew，IfeltthatIshouldbeunderstoodandthatthisverybookishnessmightbeanassistance。Butnow，havingattainedmyeffect，Iwassuddenlypanic-stricken。NeverbeforehadIwitnessedsuchdespair！Shewaslyingonherface，thrustingherfaceintothepillowandclutchingitinbothhands。Herheartwasbeingtorn。Heryouthfulbodywasshudderingalloverasthoughinconvulsions。Suppressedsobsrentherbosomandsuddenlyburstoutinweepingandwalling，thenshepressedcloserintothepillow：shedidnotwantanyonehere，notalivingsoul，toknowofheranguishandhertears。
Shebitthepillow，bitherhandtillitbled（Isawthatafterwards），or，thrustingherfingersintoherdishevelledhair，seemedrigidwiththeeffortofrestraint，holdingherbreathandclenchingherteeth。Ibegansayingsomething，begginghertocalmherself，butfeltthatIdidnotdare;andallatonce，inasortofcoldshiver，almostinterror，beganfumblinginthedark，tryinghurriedlytogetdressedtogo。Itwasdark;thoughItriedmybestIcouldnotfinishdressingquickly。SuddenlyI
feltaboxofmatchesandacandlestickwithawholecandleinit。Assoonastheroomwaslightedup，Lizasprangup，satupinbed，andwithacontortedface，withahalfinsanesmile，lookedatmealmostsenselessly。Isatdownbesideherandtookherhands;shecametoherself，madeanimpulsivemovementtowardsme，wouldhavecaughtholdofme，butdidnotdare，andslowlybowedherheadbeforeme。
\"Liza，mydear，Iwaswrong……forgiveme，mydear，\"Ibegan，butshesqueezedmyhandinherfingerssotightlythatIfeltIwassayingthewrongthingandstopped。
\"Thisismyaddress，Liza，cometome。\"
\"Iwillcome，\"sheansweredresolutely，herheadstillbowed。
\"ButnowIamgoing，good-bye……tillwemeetagain。\"
Igotup;she，too，stoodupandsuddenlyflushedallover，gaveashudder，snatchedupashawlthatwaslyingonachairandmuffledherselfinittoherchin。Asshedidthisshegaveanothersicklysmile，blushedandlookedatmestrangely。Ifeltwretched;Iwasinhastetogetaway——todisappear。
\"Waitaminute，\"shesaidsuddenly，inthepassagejustatthedoorway，stoppingmewithherhandonmyovercoat。Sheputdownthecandleinhothasteandranoff;evidentlyshehadthoughtofsomethingorwantedtoshowmesomething。Assheranawaysheflushed，hereyesshone，andtherewasasmileonherlips——whatwasthemeaningofit？AgainstmywillIwaited：shecamebackaminutelaterwithanexpressionthatseemedtoaskforgivenessforsomething。Infact，itwasnotthesameface，notthesamelookastheeveningbefore：sullen，mistrustfulandobstinate。
Hereyesnowwereimploring，soft，andatthesametimetrustful，caressing，timid。Theexpressionwithwhichchildrenlookatpeopletheyareveryfondof，ofwhomtheyareaskingafavour。
Hereyeswerealighthazel，theywerelovelyeyes，fulloflife，andcapableofexpressingloveaswellassullenhatred。
Makingnoexplanation，asthoughI，asasortofhigherbeing，mustunderstandeverythingwithoutexplanations，sheheldoutapieceofpapertome。Herwholefacewaspositivelybeamingatthatinstantwithnaive，almostchildish，triumph。Iunfoldedit。Itwasalettertoherfromamedicalstudentorsomeoneofthatsort——averyhigh-flownandflowery，butextremelyrespectful，love-letter。Idon’trecallthewordsnow，butI
rememberwellthatthroughthehigh-flownphrasestherewasapparentagenuinefeeling，whichcannotbefeigned。WhenIhadfinishedreadingitImetherglowing，questioning，andchildishlyimpatienteyesfixeduponme。ShefastenedhereyesuponmyfaceandwaitedimpatientlyforwhatIshouldsay。Inafewwords，hurriedly，butwithasortofjoyandpride，sheexplainedtomethatshehadbeentoadancesomewhereinaprivatehouse，afamilyof\"verynicepeople，_whoknewnothing_，absolutelynothing，forshehadonlycomeheresolatelyandithadallhappened……andshehadn’tmadeuphermindtostayandwascertainlygoingawayassoonasshehadpaidherdebt……\"andatthatpartytherehadbeenthestudentwhohaddancedwithheralltheevening。Hehadtalkedtoher，anditturnedoutthathehadknownherinolddaysatRigawhenhewasachild，theyhadplayedtogether，butaverylongtimeago——andheknewherparents，but_aboutthis_heknewnothing，nothingwhatever，andhadnosuspicion！Andthedayafterthedance（threedaysago）
hehadsentherthatletterthroughthefriendwithwhomshehadgonetotheparty……and……well，thatwasall。\"
Shedroppedhershiningeyeswithasortofbashfulnessasshefinished。
Thepoorgirlwaskeepingthatstudent’sletterasaprecioustreasure，andhadruntofetchit，heronlytreasure，becauseshedidnotwantmetogoawaywithoutknowingthatshe，too，washonestlyandgenuinelyloved;thatshe，too，wasaddressedrespectfully。Nodoubtthatletterwasdestinedtolieinherboxandleadtonothing。Butnonetheless，Iamcertainthatshewouldkeepitallherlifeasaprecioustreasure，asherprideandjustification，andnowatsuchaminuteshehadthoughtofthatletterandbroughtitwithnaivepridetoraiseherselfinmyeyesthatImightsee，thatI，too，mightthinkwellofher。Isaidnothing，pressedherhandandwentout。Isolongedtogetaway……Iwalkedallthewayhome，inspiteofthefactthatthemeltingsnowwasstillfallinginheavyflakes。Iwasexhausted，shattered，inbewilderment。Butbehindthebewildermentthetruthwasalreadygleaming。Theloathsometruth。
VIII
Itwassometime，however，beforeIconsentedtorecognisethattruth。Wakingupinthemorningaftersomehoursofheavy，leadensleep，andimmediatelyrealisingallthathadhappenedonthepreviousday，Iwaspositivelyamazedatmylastnight’s_sentimentality_withLiza，atallthose\"outcriesofhorrorandpity。\"\"Tothinkofhavingsuchanattackofwomanishhysteria，pah！\"Iconcluded。AndwhatdidIthrustmyaddressuponherfor？Whatifshecomes？Lethercome，though;itdoesn’tmatter……But_obviously_，thatwasnotnowthechiefandthemostimportantmatter：IhadtomakehasteandatallcostssavemyreputationintheeyesofZverkovandSimonovasquicklyaspossible;thatwasthechiefbusiness。AndIwassotakenupthatmorningthatIactuallyforgotallaboutLiza。
FirstofallIhadatoncetorepaywhatIhadborrowedthedaybeforefromSimonov。Iresolvedonadesperatemeasure：toborrowfifteenroublesstraightofffromAntonAntonitch。Asluckwouldhaveithewasinthebestofhumoursthatmorning，andgaveittomeatonce，onthefirstasking。Iwassodelightedatthisthat，asIsignedtheIOUwithaswaggeringair，Itoldhimcasuallythatthenightbefore\"IhadbeenkeepingitupwithsomefriendsattheHoteldeParis;weweregivingafarewellpartytoacomrade，infact，Imightsayafriendofmychildhood，andyouknow——adesperaterake，fearfullyspoilt——ofcourse，hebelongstoagoodfamily，andhasconsiderablemeans，abrilliantcareer;heiswitty，charming，aregularLovelace，youunderstand;wedrankanextra’half-dozen’
and……\"Anditwentoffallright;allthiswasutteredveryeasily，unconstrainedlyandcomplacently。
OnreachinghomeIpromptlywrotetoSimonov。
TothishourIamlostinadmirationwhenIrecallthetrulygentlemanly，good-humoured，candidtoneofmyletter。Withtactandgood-breeding，and，aboveall，entirelywithoutsuperfluouswords，Iblamedmyselfforallthathadhappened。Idefendedmyself，\"ifIreallymaybeallowedtodefendmyself，\"byallegingthatbeingutterlyunaccustomedtowine，Ihadbeenintoxicatedwiththefirstglass，whichIsaid，Ihaddrunkbeforetheyarrived，whileIwaswaitingforthemattheHoteldeParisbetweenfiveandsixo’clock。IbeggedSimonov’spardonespecially;Iaskedhimtoconveymyexplanationstoalltheothers，especiallytoZverkov，whom\"Iseemedtorememberasthoughinadream\"Ihadinsulted。IaddedthatIwouldhavecalleduponallofthemmyself，butmyheadached，andbesidesI
hadnotthefaceto。Iwasparticularlypleasedwithacertainlightness，almostcarelessness（strictlywithintheboundsofpoliteness，however），whichwasapparentinmystyle，andbetterthananypossiblearguments，gavethematoncetounderstandthatItookratheranindependentviewof\"allthatunpleasantnesslastnight\";thatIwasbynomeanssoutterlycrushedasyou，myfriends，probablyimagine;butonthecontrary，lookeduponitasagentlemanserenelyrespectinghimselfshouldlookuponit。\"Onayounghero’spastnocensureiscast！\"
\"Thereisactuallyanaristocraticplayfulnessaboutit！\"I
thoughtadmiringly，asIreadovertheletter。\"Andit’sallbecauseIamanintellectualandcultivatedman！Anothermaninmyplacewouldnothaveknownhowtoextricatehimself，buthereIhavegotoutofitandamasjollyaseveragain，andallbecauseIam’acultivatedandeducatedmanofourday。’And，indeed，perhaps，everythingwasduetothewineyesterday。H’m！\"……no，itwasnotthewine。IdidnotdrinkanythingatallbetweenfiveandsixwhenIwaswaitingforthem。IhadliedtoSimonov;Ihadliedshamelessly;andindeedIwasn’tashamednow……Hangitallthough，thegreatthingwasthatIwasridofit。
Iputsixroublesintheletter，sealeditup，andaskedApollontotakeittoSimonov。Whenhelearnedthattherewasmoneyintheletter，Apollonbecamemorerespectfulandagreedtotakeit。
TowardseveningIwentoutforawalk。Myheadwasstillachingandgiddyafteryesterday。Butaseveningcameonandthetwilightgrewdenser，myimpressionsand，followingthem，mythoughts，grewmoreandmoredifferentandconfused。Somethingwasnotdeadwithinme，inthedepthsofmyheartandconscienceitwouldnotdie，anditshoweditselfinacutedepression。ForthemostpartIjostledmywaythroughthemostcrowdedbusinessstreets，alongMyeshtchanskyStreet，alongSadovyStreetandinYusupovGarden。Ialwayslikedparticularlysaunteringalongthesestreetsinthedusk，justwhentherewerecrowdsofworkingpeopleofallsortsgoinghomefromtheirdailywork，withfaceslookingcrosswithanxiety。WhatIlikedwasjustthatcheapbustle，thatbareprose。Onthisoccasionthejostlingofthestreetsirritatedmemorethanever，Icouldnotmakeoutwhatwaswrongwithme，Icouldnotfindtheclue，somethingseemedrisingupcontinuallyinmysoul，painfully，andrefusingtobeappeased。Ireturnedhomecompletelyupset，itwasjustasthoughsomecrimewerelyingonmyconscience。
ThethoughtthatLizawascomingworriedmecontinually。Itseemedqueertomethatofallmyrecollectionsofyesterdaythistormentedme，asitwere，especially，asitwere，quiteseparately。EverythingelseIhadquitesucceededinforgettingbytheevening;IdismisseditallandwasstillperfectlysatisfiedwithmylettertoSimonov。ButonthispointIwasnotsatisfiedatall。ItwasasthoughIwereworriedonlybyLiza。
\"Whatifshecomes，\"Ithoughtincessantly，\"well，itdoesn’tmatter，lethercome！H’m！it’shorridthatsheshouldsee，forinstance，howIlive。YesterdayIseemedsuchaherotoher，whilenow，h’m！It’shorrid，though，thatIhaveletmyselfgoso，theroomlookslikeabeggar’s。AndIbroughtmyselftogoouttodinnerinsuchasuit！AndmyAmericanleathersofawiththestuffingstickingout。Andmydressing-gown，whichwillnotcoverme，suchtatters，andshewillseeallthisandshewillseeApollon。Thatbeastiscertaintoinsulther。Hewillfastenuponherinordertoberudetome。AndI，ofcourse，shallbepanic-strickenasusual，Ishallbeginbowingandscrapingbeforeherandpullingmydressing-gownroundme，I
shallbeginsmiling，tellinglies。Oh，thebeastliness！Anditisn’tthebeastlinessofitthatmattersmost！Thereissomethingmoreimportant，moreloathsome，viler！Yes，viler！
Andtoputonthatdishonestlyingmaskagain！……\"
WhenIreachedthatthoughtIfiredupallatonce。
\"Whydishonest？Howdishonest？Iwasspeakingsincerelylastnight。Iremembertherewasrealfeelinginme，too。WhatI
wantedwastoexciteanhonourablefeelinginher……Hercryingwasagoodthing，itwillhaveagoodeffect。\"
YetIcouldnotfeelatease。Allthatevening，evenwhenIhadcomebackhome，evenafternineo’clock，whenIcalculatedthatLizacouldnotpossiblycome，stillshehauntedme，andwhatwasworse，shecamebacktomymindalwaysinthesameposition。Onemomentoutofallthathadhappenedlastnightstoodvividlybeforemyimagination;themomentwhenIstruckamatchandsawherpale，distortedface，withitslookoftorture。Andwhatapitiful，whatanunnatural，whatadistortedsmileshehadatthatmoment！ButIdidnotknowthen，thatfifteenyearslaterI
shouldstillinmyimaginationseeLiza，alwayswiththepitiful，distorted，inappropriatesmilewhichwasonherfaceatthatminute。
NextdayIwasreadyagaintolookuponitallasnonsense，duetoover-excitednerves，and，aboveall，as_exaggerated_。Iwasalwaysconsciousofthatweakpointofmine，andsometimesverymuchafraidofit。\"Iexaggerateeverything，thatiswhereIgowrong，\"Irepeatedtomyselfeveryhour。But，however，\"Lizawillverylikelycomeallthesame，\"wastherefrainwithwhichallmyreflectionsended。IwassouneasythatIsometimesflewintoafury：\"She’llcome，sheiscertaintocome！\"Icried，runningabouttheroom，\"ifnottoday，shewillcometomorrow;
she’llfindmeout！Thedamnableromanticismofthesepurehearts！Oh，thevileness——oh，thesilliness——oh，thestupidityofthese’wretchedsentimentalsouls！’Why，howfailtounderstand？Howcouldonefalltounderstand？……\"
ButatthispointIstoppedshort，andingreatconfusion，indeed。
\"Andhowfew，howfewwords，\"Ithought，inpassing，\"wereneeded;howlittleoftheidyllic（andaffectedly，bookishly，artificiallyidyllictoo）hadsufficedtoturnawholehumanlifeatonceaccordingtomywill。That’svirginity，tobesure！
Freshnessofsoil！\"
Attimesathoughtoccurredtome，togotoher，\"totellherall，\"andbeghernottocometome。ButthisthoughtstirredsuchwrathinmethatIbelievedIshouldhavecrushedthat\"damned\"Lizaifshehadchancedtobenearmeatthetime。I
shouldhaveinsultedher，havespatather，haveturnedherout，havestruckher！
Onedaypassed，however，anotherandanother;shedidnotcomeandIbegantogrowcalmer。Ifeltparticularlyboldandcheerfulafternineo’clock，Ievensometimesbegandreaming，andrathersweetly：I，forinstance，becamethesalvationofLiza，simplythroughhercomingtomeandmytalkingtoher……I
developher，educateher。Finally，Inoticethatshelovesme，lovesmepassionately。Ipretendnottounderstand（Idon’tknow，however，whyIpretend，justforeffect，perhaps）。Atlastallconfusion，transfigured，tremblingandsobbing，sheflingsherselfatmyfeetandsaysthatIamhersaviour，andthatshelovesmebetterthananythingintheworld。Iamamazed，but……
\"Liza，\"Isay，\"canyouimaginethatIhavenotnoticedyourlove？Isawitall，Idivinedit，butIdidnotdaretoapproachyoufirst，becauseIhadaninfluenceoveryouandwasafraidthatyouwouldforceyourself，fromgratitude，torespondtomylove，wouldtrytorouseinyourheartafeelingwhichwasperhapsabsent，andIdidnotwishthat……becauseitwouldbetyranny……itwouldbeindelicate\"（inshort，IlaunchoffatthatpointintoEuropean，inexplicablyloftysubtletiesalaGeorgeSand），\"butnow，nowyouaremine，youaremycreation，youarepure，youaregood，youaremynoblewife。
’Intomyhousecomeboldandfree，Itsrightfulmistresstheretobe’。
\"Thenwebeginlivingtogether，goabroadandsoon，andsoon。\"
Infact，intheenditseemedvulgartomemyself，andIbeganputtingoutmytongueatmyself。
Besides，theywon’tletherout，\"thehussy！\"Ithought。Theydon’tletthemgooutveryreadily，especiallyintheevening（forsomereasonIfanciedshewouldcomeintheevening，andatseveno’clockprecisely）。Thoughshedidsayshewasnotaltogetheraslavethereyet，andhadcertainrights;so，h’m！
Damnitall，shewillcome，sheissuretocome！
Itwasagoodthing，infact，thatApollondistractedmyattentionatthattimebyhisrudeness。Hedrovemebeyondallpatience！Hewasthebaneofmylife，thecurselaiduponmebyProvidence。Wehadbeensquabblingcontinuallyforyears，andI
hatedhim。MyGod，howIhatedhim！IbelieveIhadneverhatedanyoneinmylifeasIhatedhim，especiallyatsomemoments。Hewasanelderly，dignifiedman，whoworkedpartofhistimeasatailor。Butforsomeunknownreasonhedespisedmebeyondallmeasure，andlookeddownuponmeinsufferably。Though，indeed，helookeddownuponeveryone。Simplytoglanceatthatflaxen，smoothlybrushedhead，atthetuftofhairhecombeduponhisforeheadandoiledwithsunfloweroil，atthatdignifiedmouth，compressedintotheshapeoftheletterV，madeonefeelonewasconfrontingamanwhoneverdoubtedofhimself。Hewasapedant，tothemostextremepoint，thegreatestpedantIhadmetonearth，andwiththathadavanityonlybefittingAlexanderofMacedon。Hewasinlovewitheverybuttononhiscoat，everynailonhisfingers——absolutelyinlovewiththem，andhelookedit！Inhisbehaviourtomehewasaperfecttyrant，hespokeverylittletome，andifhechancedtoglanceatmehegavemeafirm，majesticallyself-confidentandinvariablyironicallookthatdrovemesometimestofury。Hedidhisworkwiththeairofdoingmethegreatestfavour，thoughhedidscarcelyanythingforme，anddidnot，indeed，considerhimselfboundtodoanything。
Therecouldbenodoubtthathelookeduponmeasthegreatestfoolonearth，andthat\"hedidnotgetridofme\"wassimplythathecouldgetwagesfrommeeverymonth。Heconsentedtodonothingformeforsevenroublesamonth。ManysinsshouldbeforgivenmeforwhatIsufferedfromhim。Myhatredreachedsuchapointthatsometimeshisverystepalmostthrewmeintoconvulsions。WhatIloathedparticularlywashislisp。Histonguemusthavebeenalittletoolongorsomethingofthatsort，forhecontinuallylisped，andseemedtobeveryproudofit，imaginingthatitgreatlyaddedtohisdignity。Hespokeinaslow，measuredtone，withhishandsbehindhisbackandhiseyesfixedontheground。Hemaddenedmeparticularlywhenhereadaloudthepsalmstohimselfbehindhispartition。ManyabattleIwagedoverthatreading！Buthewasawfullyfondofreadingaloudintheevenings，inaslow，even，sing-songvoice，asthoughoverthedead。Itisinterestingthatthatishowhehasended：hehireshimselfouttoreadthepsalmsoverthedead，andatthesametimehekillsratsandmakesblacking。ButatthattimeIcouldnotgetridofhim，itwasasthoughhewerechemicallycombinedwithmyexistence。Besides，nothingwouldhaveinducedhimtoconsenttoleaveme。Icouldnotliveinfurnishedlodgings：mylodgingwasmyprivatesolitude，myshell，mycave，inwhichIconcealedmyselffromallmankind，andApollonseemedtome，forsomereason，anintegralpartofthatflat，andforsevenyearsIcouldnotturnhimaway。
Tobetwoorthreedaysbehindwithhiswages，forinstance，wasimpossible。Hewouldhavemadesuchafuss，Ishouldnothaveknownwheretohidemyhead。ButIwassoexasperatedwitheveryoneduringthosedays，thatImadeupmymindforsomereasonandwithsomeobjectto_punish_Apollonandnottopayhimforafortnightthewagesthatwereowinghim。Ihadforalongtime——forthelasttwoyears——beenintendingtodothis，simplyinordertoteachhimnottogivehimselfairswithme，andtoshowhimthatifIlikedIcouldwithholdhiswages。I
purposedtosaynothingtohimaboutit，andwaspurposelysilentindeed，inordertoscoreoffhisprideandforcehimtobethefirsttospeakofhiswages。ThenIwouldtakethesevenroublesoutofadrawer，showhimIhavethemoneyputasideonpurpose，butthatIwon’t，Iwon’t，Isimplywon’tpayhimhiswages，I
won’tjustbecausethatis\"whatIwish，\"because\"Iammaster，anditisformetodecide，\"becausehehasbeendisrespectful，becausehehasbeenrude;butifheweretoaskrespectfullyI
mightbesoftenedandgiveittohim，otherwisehemightwaitanotherfortnight，anotherthreeweeks，awholemonth……
ButangryasIwas，yethegotthebetterofme。Icouldnotholdoutforfourdays。Hebeganashealwaysdidbegininsuchcases，fortherehadbeensuchcasesalready，therehadbeenattempts（anditmaybeobservedIknewallthisbeforehand，I
knewhisnastytacticsbyheart）。Hewouldbeginbyfixinguponmeanexceedinglyseverestare，keepingitupforseveralminutesatatime，particularlyonmeetingmeorseeingmeoutofthehouse。IfIheldoutandpretendednottonoticethesestares，hewould，stillinsilence，proceedtofurthertortures。Allatonce，aproposofnothing，hewouldwalksoftlyandsmoothlyintomyroom，whenIwaspacingupanddownorreading，standatthedoor，onehandbehindhisbackandonefootbehindtheother，andfixuponmeastaremorethansevere，utterlycontemptuous。IfI
suddenlyaskedhimwhathewanted，hewouldmakemenoanswer，butcontinuestaringatmepersistentlyforsomeseconds，then，withapeculiarcompressionofhislipsandamostsignificantair，deliberatelyturnroundanddeliberatelygobacktohisroom。Twohourslaterhewouldcomeoutagainandagainpresenthimselfbeforemeinthesameway。IthadhappenedthatinmyfuryIdidnotevenaskhimwhathewanted，butsimplyraisedmyheadsharplyandimperiouslyandbeganstaringbackathim。Sowestaredatoneanotherfortwominutes;atlastheturnedwithdeliberationanddignityandwentbackagainfortwohours。
IfIwerestillnotbroughttoreasonbyallthis，butpersistedinmyrevolt，hewouldsuddenlybeginsighingwhilehelookedatme，long，deepsighsasthoughmeasuringbythemthedepthsofmymoraldegradation，and，ofcourse，itendedatlastbyhistriumphingcompletely：Iragedandshouted，butstillwasforcedtodowhathewanted。
ThistimetheusualstaringmanoeuvreshadscarcelybegunwhenI
lostmytemperandflewathiminafury。Iwasirritatedbeyondenduranceapartfromhim。
\"Stay，\"Icried，inafrenzy，ashewasslowlyandsilentlyturning，withonehandbehindhisback，togotohisroom。
\"Stay！Comeback，comeback，Itellyou！\"andImusthavebawledsounnaturally，thatheturnedroundandevenlookedatmewithsomewonder。However，hepersistedinsayingnothing，andthatinfuriatedme。
\"Howdareyoucomeandlookatmelikethatwithoutbeingsentfor？Answer！\"
Afterlookingatmecalmlyforhalfaminute，hebeganturningroundagain。
\"Stay！\"Iroared，runninguptohim，\"don’tstir！There。
Answer，now：whatdidyoucomeintolookat？\"
\"Ifyouhaveanyordertogivemeit’smydutytocarryitout，\"
heanswered，afteranothersilentpause，withaslow，measuredlisp，raisinghiseyebrowsandcalmlytwistinghisheadfromonesidetoanother，allthiswithexasperatingcomposure。
\"That’snotwhatIamaskingyouabout，youtorturer！\"Ishouted，turningcrimsonwithanger。\"I’lltellyouwhyyoucameheremyself：yousee，Idon’tgiveyouyourwages，youaresoproudyoudon’twanttobowdownandaskforit，andsoyoucometopunishmewithyourstupidstares，toworrymeandyouhavenosus……pic……ionhowstupiditis——stupid，stupid，stupid，stupid！……\"
Hewouldhaveturnedroundagainwithoutaword，butIseizedhim。
\"Listen，\"Ishoutedtohim。\"Here’sthemoney，doyousee，hereitis，\"（Itookitoutofthetabledrawer）;\"here’sthesevenroublescomplete，butyouarenotgoingtohaveit，you……are……not……going……to……haveituntilyoucomerespectfullywithbowedheadtobegmypardon。Doyouhear？\"
\"Thatcannotbe，\"heanswered，withthemostunnaturalself-confidence。
\"Itshallbeso，\"Isaid，\"Igiveyoumywordofhonour，itshallbe！\"
\"Andthere’snothingformetobegyourpardonfor，\"hewenton，asthoughhehadnotnoticedmyexclamationsatall。\"Why，besides，youcalledmea’torturer，’forwhichIcansummonyouatthepolice-stationatanytimeforinsultingbehaviour。\"
\"Go，summonme，\"Iroared，\"goatonce，thisveryminute，thisverysecond！Youareatorturerallthesame！atorturer！\"
Buthemerelylookedatme，thenturned，andregardlessofmyloudcallstohim，hewalkedtohisroomwithanevenstepandwithoutlookinground。
\"IfithadnotbeenforLizanothingofthiswouldhavehappened，\"Idecidedinwardly。Then，afterwaitingaminute，I
wentmyselfbehindhisscreenwithadignifiedandsolemnair，thoughmyheartwasbeatingslowlyandviolently。
\"Apollon，\"Isaidquietlyandemphatically，thoughIwasbreathless，\"goatoncewithoutaminute’sdelayandfetchthepolice-officer。\"
Hehadmeanwhilesettledhimselfathistable，putonhisspectaclesandtakenupsomesewing。But，hearingmyorder，heburstintoaguffaw。
\"Atonce，gothisminute！Goon，orelseyoucan’timaginewhatwillhappen。\"
\"Youarecertainlyoutofyourmind，\"heobserved，withoutevenraisinghishead，lispingasdeliberatelyaseverandthreadinghisneedle。\"Whoeverheardofamansendingforthepoliceagainsthimself？Andasforbeingfrightened——youareupsettingyourselfaboutnothing，fornothingwillcomeofit。\"
\"Go！\"Ishrieked，clutchinghimbytheshoulder。IfeltIshouldstrikehiminaminute。
ButIdidnotnoticethedoorfromthepassagesoftlyandslowlyopenatthatinstantandafigurecomein，stopshort，andbeginstaringatusinperplexityIglanced，nearlyswoonedwithshame，andrushedbacktomyroom。There，clutchingatmyhairwithbothhands，Ileanedmyheadagainstthewallandstoodmotionlessinthatposition。
TwominuteslaterIheardApollon’sdeliberatefootsteps。\"Thereissomewomanaskingforyou，\"hesaid，lookingatmewithpeculiarseverity。ThenhestoodasideandletinLiza。Hewouldnotgoaway，butstaredatussarcastically。
\"Goaway，goaway，\"Icommandedindesperation。Atthatmomentmyclockbeganwhirringandwheezingandstruckseven。
IX
\"Intomyhousecomeboldandfree，Itsrightfulmistresstheretobe。\"
Istoodbeforehercrushed，crestfallen，revoltinglyconfused，andIbelieveIsmiledasIdidmyutmosttowrapmyselfintheskirtsofmyraggedwaddeddressing-gown——exactlyasIhadimaginedthescenenotlongbeforeinafitofdepression。AfterstandingoverusforacoupleofminutesApollonwentaway，butthatdidnotmakememoreatease。Whatmadeitworsewasthatshe，too，wasoverwhelmedwithconfusion，moreso，infact，thanIshouldhaveexpected。Atthesightofme，ofcourse。
\"Sitdown，\"Isaidmechanically，movingachairuptothetable，andIsatdownonthesofa。Sheobedientlysatdownatonceandgazedatmeopen-eyed，evidentlyexpectingsomethingfrommeatonce。Thisnaiveteofexpectationdrovemetofury，butI
restrainedmyself。
Sheoughttohavetriednottonotice，asthougheverythinghadbeenasusual，whileinsteadofthat，she……andIdimlyfeltthatIshouldmakeherpaydearlyfor_allthis_。
\"Youhavefoundmeinastrangeposition，Liza，\"Ibegan，stammeringandknowingthatthiswasthewrongwaytobegin。
\"No，no，don’timagineanything，\"Icried，seeingthatshehadsuddenlyflushed。\"Iamnotashamedofmypoverty……Onthecontrary，Ilookwithprideonmypoverty。Iampoorbuthonourable……Onecanbepoorandhonourable，\"Imuttered。
\"However……wouldyouliketea？……\"
\"No，\"shewasbeginning。
\"Waitaminute。\"
IleaptupandrantoApollon。Ihadtogetoutoftheroomsomehow。
\"Apollon，\"Iwhisperedinfeverishhaste，flingingdownbeforehimthesevenroubleswhichhadremainedallthetimeinmyclenchedfist，\"hereareyourwages，youseeIgivethemtoyou;
butforthatyoumustcometomyrescue：bringmeteaandadozenrusksfromtherestaurant。Ifyouwon’tgo，you’llmakemeamiserableman！Youdon’tknowwhatthiswomanis……Thisis——everything！Youmaybeimaginingsomething……Butyoudon’tknowwhatthatwomanis！……\"
Apollon，whohadalreadysatdowntohisworkandputonhisspectaclesagain，atfirstglancedaskanceatthemoneywithoutspeakingorputtingdownhisneedle;then，withoutpayingtheslightestattentiontomeormakinganyanswer，hewentonbusyinghimselfwithhisneedle，whichhehadnotyetthreaded。
IwaitedbeforehimforthreeminuteswithmyarmscrossedalaNapoleon。Mytemplesweremoistwithsweat。Iwaspale，Ifeltit。But，thankGod，hemusthavebeenmovedtopity，lookingatme。Havingthreadedhisneedlehedeliberatelygotupfromhisseat，deliberatelymovedbackhischair，deliberatelytookoffhisspectacles，deliberatelycountedthemoney，andfinallyaskingmeoverhisshoulder：\"ShallIgetawholeportion？\"
deliberatelywalkedoutoftheroom。AsIwasgoingbacktoLiza，thethoughtoccurredtomeontheway：shouldn’tIrunawayjustasIwasinmydressing-gown，nomatterwhere，andthenlethappenwhatwould？
Isatdownagain。Shelookedatmeuneasily。Forsomeminutesweweresilent。
\"Iwillkillhim，\"Ishoutedsuddenly，strikingthetablewithmyfistsothattheinkspurtedoutoftheinkstand。
\"Whatareyousaying！\"shecried，starting。
\"Iwillkillhim！killhim！\"Ishrieked，suddenlystrikingthetableinabsolutefrenzy，andatthesametimefullyunderstandinghowstupiditwastobeinsuchafrenzy。\"Youdon’tknow，Liza，whatthattortureristome。Heismytorturer……Hehasgonenowtofetchsomerusks;he……\"
AndsuddenlyIburstintotears。Itwasanhystericalattack。
HowashamedIfeltinthemidstofmysobs;butstillIcouldnotrestrainthem。
Shewasfrightened。
\"Whatisthematter？Whatiswrong？\"shecried，fussingaboutme。
\"Water，givemewater，overthere！\"Imutteredinafaintvoice，thoughIwasinwardlyconsciousthatIcouldhavegotonverywellwithoutwaterandwithoutmutteringinafaintvoice。ButI
was，whatiscalled，_puttingiton_，tosaveappearances，thoughtheattackwasagenuineone。
Shegavemewater，lookingatmeinbewilderment。AtthatmomentApollonbroughtinthetea。Itsuddenlyseemedtomethatthiscommonplace，prosaicteawashorriblyundignifiedandpaltryafterallthathadhappened，andIblushedcrimson。LizalookedatApollonwithpositivealarm。Hewentoutwithoutaglanceateitherofus。
\"Liza，doyoudespiseme？\"Iasked，lookingatherfixedly，tremblingwithimpatiencetoknowwhatshewasthinking。
Shewasconfused，anddidnotknowwhattoanswer。
\"Drinkyourtea，\"Isaidtoherangrily。Iwasangrywithmyself，but，ofcourse，itwasshewhowouldhavetopayforit。
Ahorriblespiteagainsthersuddenlysurgedupinmyheart;I
believeIcouldhavekilledher。TorevengemyselfonherI
sworeinwardlynottosayawordtoherallthetime。\"Sheisthecauseofitall，\"Ithought。
Oursilencelastedforfiveminutes。Theteastoodonthetable;
wedidnottouchit。Ihadgottothepointofpurposelyrefrainingfrombeginninginordertoembarrassherfurther;itwasawkwardforhertobeginalone。Severaltimessheglancedatmewithmournfulperplexity。Iwasobstinatelysilent。Iwas，ofcourse，myselfthechiefsufferer，becauseIwasfullyconsciousofthedisgustingmeannessofmyspitefulstupidity，andyetatthesametimeIcouldnotrestrainmyself。
\"Iwantto……getaway……fromtherealtogether，\"shebegan，tobreakthesilenceinsomeway，but，poorgirl，thatwasjustwhatsheoughtnottohavespokenaboutatsuchastupidmomenttoamansostupidasIwas。Myheartpositivelyachedwithpityforhertactlessandunnecessarystraightforwardness。Butsomethinghideousatoncestifledallcompassioninme;itevenprovokedmetogreatervenom。Ididnotcarewhathappened。Anotherfiveminutespassed。
\"PerhapsIaminyourway，\"shebegantimidly，hardlyaudibly，andwasgettingup。
ButassoonasIsawthisfirstimpulseofwoundeddignityI
positivelytrembledwithspite，andatonceburstout。
\"Whyhaveyoucometome，tellmethat，please？\"Ibegan，gaspingforbreathandregardlessoflogicalconnectioninmywords。I
longedtohaveitalloutatonce，atoneburst;Ididnoteventroublehowtobegin。\"Whyhaveyoucome？Answer，answer，\"I
cried，hardlyknowingwhatIwasdoing。\"I’lltellyou，mygoodgirl，whyyouhavecome。You’vecomebecauseItalkedsentimentalstufftoyouthen。Sonowyouaresoftasbutterandlongingforfinesentimentsagain。SoyoumayaswellknowthatIwaslaughingatyouthen。AndIamlaughingatyounow。Whyareyoushuddering？Yes，Iwaslaughingatyou！Ihadbeeninsultedjustbefore，atdinner，bythefellowswhocamethateveningbeforeme。Icametoyou，meaningtothrashoneofthem，anofficer;butIdidn’tsucceed，Ididn’tfindhim;Ihadtoavengetheinsultonsomeonetogetbackmyownagain;youturnedup，Iventedmyspleenonyouandlaughedatyou。Ihadbeenhumiliated，soIwantedtohumiliate;Ihadbeentreatedlikearag，soIwantedtoshowmypower……hat’swhatitwas，andyouimaginedIhadcomethereonpurposetosaveyou。Yes？Youimaginedthat？Youimaginedthat？\"
Iknewthatshewouldperhapsbemuddledandnottakeitallinexactly，butIknew，too，thatshewouldgraspthegistofit，verywellindeed。Andso，indeed，shedid。Sheturnedwhiteasahandkerchief，triedtosaysomething，andherlipsworkedpainfully;butshesankonachairasthoughshehadbeenfelledbyanaxe。Andallthetimeafterwardsshelistenedtomewithherlipspartedandhereyeswideopen，shudderingwithawfulterror。Thecynicism，thecynicismofmywordsoverwhelmedher……
\"Saveyou！\"Iwenton，jumpingupfrommychairandrunningupanddowntheroombeforeher。\"Saveyoufromwhat？ButperhapsIamworsethanyoumyself。Whydidn’tyouthrowitinmyteethwhenIwasgivingyouthatsermon：’Butwhatdidyoucomehereyourselffor？wasittoreadusasermon？’Power，powerwaswhatIwantedthen，sportwaswhatIwanted，Iwantedtowringoutyourtears，yourhumiliation，yourhysteria——thatwaswhatI
wantedthen！Ofcourse，Icouldn’tkeepitupthen，becauseIamawretchedcreature，Iwasfrightened，and，thedevilknowswhy，gaveyoumyaddressinmyfolly。Afterwards，beforeIgothome，Iwascursingandswearingatyoubecauseofthataddress，I
hatedyoualreadybecauseoftheliesIhadtoldyou。BecauseI
onlylikeplayingwithwords，onlydreaming，but，doyouknow，whatIreallywantisthatyoushouldallgotohell。ThatiswhatIwant。Iwantpeace;yes，I’dsellthewholeworldforafarthing，straightoff，solongasIwasleftinpeace。Istheworldtogotopot，oramItogowithoutmytea？IsaythattheworldmaygotopotformesolongasIalwaysgetmytea。Didyouknowthat，ornot？Well，anyway，IknowthatIamablackguard，ascoundrel，anegoist，asluggard。HereIhavebeenshudderingforthelastthreedaysatthethoughtofyourcoming。
Anddoyouknowwhathasworriedmeparticularlyforthesethreedays？ThatIposedassuchaherotoyou，andnowyouwouldseemeinawretchedtorndressing-gown，beggarly，loathsome。ItoldyoujustnowthatIwasnotashamedofmypoverty;soyoumayaswellknowthatIamashamedofit;Iammoreashamedofitthanofanything，moreafraidofitthanofbeingfoundoutifIwereathief，becauseIamasvainasthoughIhadbeenskinnedandtheveryairblowingonmehurt。SurelybynowyoumustrealisethatIshallneverforgiveyouforhavingfoundmeinthiswretcheddressing-gown，justasIwasflyingatApollonlikeaspitefulcur。Thesaviour，theformerhero，wasflyinglikeamangy，unkemptsheep-dogathislackey，andthelackeywasjeeringathim！AndIshallneverforgiveyouforthetearsI
couldnothelpsheddingbeforeyoujustnow，likesomesillywomanputtoshame！AndforwhatIamconfessingtoyounow，I
shallneverforgiveyoueither！Yes——youmustanswerforitallbecauseyouturneduplikethis，becauseIamablackguard，becauseIamthenastiest，stupidest，absurdestandmostenviousofallthewormsonearth，whoarenotabitbetterthanIam，but，thedevilknowswhy，areneverputtoconfusion;whileI
shallalwaysbeinsultedbyeverylouse，thatismydoom！Andwhatisittomethatyoudon’tunderstandawordofthis！AndwhatdoIcare，whatdoIcareaboutyou，andwhetheryougotoruinthereornot？Doyouunderstand？HowIshallhateyounowaftersayingthis，forhavingbeenhereandlistening。Why，it’snotonceinalifetimeamanspeaksoutlikethis，andthenitisinhysterics！……Whatmoredoyouwant？Whydoyoustillstandconfrontingme，afterallthis？Whyareyouworryingme？Whydon’tyougo？\"
Butatthispointastrangethinghappened。Iwassoaccustomedtothinkandimagineeverythingfrombooks，andtopictureeverythingintheworldtomyselfjustasIhadmadeitupinmydreamsbeforehand，thatIcouldnotallatoncetakeinthisstrangecircumstance。Whathappenedwasthis：Liza，insultedandcrushedbyme，understoodagreatdealmorethanIimagined。Sheunderstoodfromallthiswhatawomanunderstandsfirstofall，ifshefeelsgenuinelove，thatis，thatIwasmyselfunhappy。
Thefrightenedandwoundedexpressiononherfacewasfollowedfirstbyalookofsorrowfulperplexity。WhenIbegancallingmyselfascoundrelandablackguardandmytearsflowed（thetiradewasaccompaniedthroughoutbytears）herwholefaceworkedconvulsively。Shewasonthepointofgettingupandstoppingme;whenIfinishedshetooknonoticeofmyshouting：\"Whyareyouhere，whydon’tyougoaway？\"butrealisedonlythatitmusthavebeenverybittertometosayallthis。Besides，shewassocrushed，poorgirl;sheconsideredherselfinfinitelybeneathme;
howcouldshefeelangerorresentment？Shesuddenlyleaptupfromherchairwithanirresistibleimpulseandheldoutherhands，yearningtowardsme，thoughstilltimidandnotdaringtostir……Atthispointtherewasarevulsioninmyhearttoo。
Thenshesuddenlyrushedtome，threwherarmsroundmeandburstintotears。I，too，couldnotrestrainmyself，andsobbedasI
neverhadbefore……
\"Theywon’tletme……Ican’tbe……good！\"Imanagedtoarticulate;
thenIwenttothesofa，fellonitfacedownwards，andsobbedonitforaquarterofanhouringenuinehysterics。Shecameclosetome，putherarmsroundmeandstayedmotionlessinthatposition。Butthetroublewasthatthehystericscouldnotgoonforever，and（Iamwritingtheloathsometruth）lyingfacedownwardsonthesofawithmyfacethrustintomynastyleatherpillow，Ibeganbydegreestobeawareofafar-away，involuntarybutirresistiblefeelingthatitwouldbeawkwardnowformetoraisemyheadandlookLizastraightintheface。WhywasI
ashamed？Idon’tknow，butIwasashamed。Thethought，too，cameintomyoverwroughtbrainthatourpartsnowwerecompletelychanged，thatshewasnowtheheroine，whileIwasjustacrushedandhumiliatedcreatureasshehadbeenbeforemethatnight——fourdaysbefore……AndallthiscameintomymindduringtheminutesIwaslyingonmyfaceonthesofa。
MyGod！surelyIwasnotenviousofherthen。
Idon’tknow，tothisdayIcannotdecide，andatthetime，ofcourse，IwasstilllessabletounderstandwhatIwasfeelingthannow。Icannotgetonwithoutdomineeringandtyrannisingoversomeone，but……thereisnoexplaininganythingbyreasoningandsoitisuselesstoreason。
Iconqueredmyself，however，andraisedmyhead;Ihadtodososoonerorlater……andIamconvincedtothisdaythatitwasjustbecameIwasashamedtolookatherthatanotherfeelingwassuddenlykindledandflamedupinmyheart……afeelingofmasteryandpossession。Myeyesgleamedwithpassion，andIgrippedherhandstightly。HowIhatedherandhowIwasdrawntoheratthatminute！Theonefeelingintensifiedtheother。Itwasalmostlikeanactofvengeance。Atfirsttherewasalookofamazement，evenofterroronherface，butonlyforoneinstant。
Shewarmlyandrapturouslyembracedme。
X
AquarterofanhourlaterIwasrushingupanddowntheroominfrenziedimpatience，fromminutetominuteIwentuptothescreenandpeepedthroughthecrackatLiza。Shewassittingonthefloorwithherheadleaningagainstthebed，andmusthavebeencrying。Butshedidnotgoaway，andthatirritatedme。
Thistimesheunderstooditall。Ihadinsultedherfinally，but……there’snoneedtodescribeit。Sherealisedthatmyoutburstofpassionhadbeensimplyrevenge，afreshhumiliation，andthattomyearlier，almostcauselesshatredwasaddednowa_personalhatred_，bornofenvy……ThoughIdonotmaintainpositivelythatsheunderstoodallthisdistinctly;butshecertainlydidfullyunderstandthatIwasadespicableman，andwhatwasworse，incapableoflovingher。
IknowIshallbetoldthatthisisincredible——butitisincredibletobeasspitefulandstupidasIwas;itmaybeaddedthatitwasstrangeIshouldnotloveher，oratanyrate，appreciateherlove。Whyisitstrange？Inthefirstplace，bythenIwasincapableoflove，forIrepeat，withmelovingmeanttyrannisingandshowingmymoralsuperiority。Ihaveneverinmylifebeenabletoimagineanyothersortoflove，andhavenowadayscometothepointofsometimesthinkingthatlovereallyconsistsintheright——freelygivenbythebelovedobject——totyranniseoverher。
EveninmyundergrounddreamsIdidnotimagineloveexceptasastruggle。Ibeganitalwayswithhatredandendeditwithmoralsubjugation，andafterwardsIneverknewwhattodowiththesubjugatedobject。Andwhatistheretowonderatinthat，sinceIhadsucceededinsocorruptingmyself，sinceIwassooutoftouchwith\"reallife，\"astohaveactuallythoughtofreproachingher，andputtinghertoshameforhavingcometometohear\"finesentiments\";anddidnotevenguessthatshehadcomenottohearfinesentiments，buttoloveme，becausetoawomanallreformation，allsalvationfromanysortofruin，andallmoralrenewalisincludedinloveandcanonlyshowitselfinthatform。
Ididnothatehersomuch，however，whenIwasrunningabouttheroomandpeepingthroughthecrackinthescreen。Iwasonlyinsufferablyoppressedbyherbeinghere。Iwantedhertodisappear。Iwanted\"peace，\"tobeleftaloneinmyundergroundworld。ReallifeoppressedmewithitsnoveltysomuchthatI
couldhardlybreathe。
Butseveralminutespassedandshestillremained，withoutstirring，asthoughshewereunconscious。Ihadtheshamelessnesstotapsoftlyatthescreenasthoughtoremindher……Shestarted，sprangup，andflewtoseekherkerchief，herhat，hercoat，asthoughmakingherescapefromme……Twominuteslatershecamefrombehindthescreenandlookedwithheavyeyesatme。Igaveaspitefulgrin，whichwasforced，however，to_keepupappearances_，andIturnedawayfromhereyes。
\"Good-bye，\"shesaid，goingtowardsthedoor。
Iranuptoher，seizedherhand，openedit，thrustsomethinginitandcloseditagain。ThenIturnedatonceanddashedawayinhastetotheothercorneroftheroomtoavoidseeing，anyway……
Ididmeanamomentsincetotellalie——towritethatIdidthisaccidentally，notknowingwhatIwasdoingthroughfoolishness，throughlosingmyhead。ButIdon’twanttolie，andsoIwillsaystraightoutthatIopenedherhandandputthemoneyinit……fromspite。ItcameintomyheadtodothiswhileIwasrunningupanddowntheroomandshewassittingbehindthescreen。ButthisIcansayforcertain：thoughIdidthatcruelthingpurposely，itwasnotanimpulsefromtheheart，butcamefrommyevilbrain。Thiscrueltywassoaffected，sopurposelymadeup，socompletelyaproductofthebrain，ofbooks，thatI
couldnotevenkeepitupaminute——firstIdashedawaytoavoidseeingher，andtheninshameanddespairrushedafterLiza。I
openedthedoorinthepassageandbeganlistening。
\"Liza！Liza！\"Icriedonthestairs，butinalowvoice，notboldly。
Therewasnoanswer，butIfanciedIheardherfootsteps，lowerdownonthestairs。
\"Liza！\"Icried，moreloudly。
Noanswer。ButatthatminuteIheardthestiffouterglassdooropenheavilywithacreakandslamviolently;thesoundechoedupthestairs。
Shehadgone。Iwentbacktomyroominhesitation。Ifelthorriblyoppressed。
Istoodstillatthetable，besidethechaironwhichshehadsatandlookedaimlesslybeforeme。Aminutepassed，suddenlyI
started;straightbeforemeonthetableIsaw……Inshort，I
sawacrumpledbluefive-roublenote，theoneIhadthrustintoherhandaminutebefore。Itwasthesamenote;itcouldbenoother，therewasnootherintheflat。SoshehadmanagedtoflingitfromherhandonthetableatthemomentwhenIhaddashedintothefurthercorner。
Well！Imighthaveexpectedthatshewoulddothat。MightI
haveexpectedit？No，Iwassuchanegoist，Iwassolackinginrespectformyfellow-creaturesthatIcouldnotevenimagineshewoulddoso。Icouldnotendureit。AminutelaterIflewlikeamadmantodress，flingingonwhatIcouldatrandomandranheadlongafterher。ShecouldnothavegottwohundredpacesawaywhenIranoutintothestreet。
Itwasastillnightandthesnowwascomingdowninmassesandfallingalmostperpendicularly，coveringthepavementandtheemptystreetasthoughwithapillow。Therewasnooneinthestreet，nosoundwastobeheard。Thestreetlampsgaveadisconsolateanduselessglimmer。Irantwohundredpacestothecross-roadsandstoppedshort。
Wherehadshegone？AndwhywasIrunningafterher？
Why？Tofalldownbeforeher，tosobwithremorse，tokissherfeet，toentreatherforgiveness！Ilongedforthat，mywholebreastwasbeingrenttopieces，andnever，nevershallIrecallthatminutewithindifference。But——whatfor？Ithought。
ShouldInotbegintohateher，perhaps，eventomorrow，justbecauseIhadkissedherfeettoday？ShouldIgiveherhappiness？HadInotrecognisedthatday，forthehundredthtime，whatIwasworth？ShouldInottortureher？
Istoodinthesnow，gazingintothetroubleddarknessandponderedthis。
\"Andwillitnotbebetter？\"Imusedfantastically，afterwardsathome，stiflingthelivingpangofmyheartwithfantasticdreams。
\"Willitnotbebetterthatsheshouldkeeptheresentmentoftheinsultforever？Resentment——why，itispurification;itisamoststingingandpainfulconsciousness！TomorrowIshouldhavedefiledhersoulandhaveexhaustedherheart，whilenowthefeelingofinsultwillneverdieinherheart，andhoweverloathsomethefilthawaitingher——thefeelingofinsultwillelevateandpurifyher……byhatred……h’m！……perhaps，too，byforgiveness……Willallthatmakethingseasierforherthough？……\"
And，indeed，Iwillaskonmyownaccounthere，anidlequestion：
whichisbetter——cheaphappinessorexaltedsufferings？Well，whichisbetter？
SoIdreamedasIsatathomethatevening，almostdeadwiththepaininmysoul。NeverhadIenduredsuchsufferingandremorse，yetcouldtherehavebeenthefaintestdoubtwhenIranoutfrommylodgingthatIshouldturnbackhalf-way？InevermetLizaagainandIhaveheardnothingofher。Iwilladd，too，thatI
remainedforalongtimeafterwardspleasedwiththephraseaboutthebenefitfromresentmentandhatredinspiteofthefactthatIalmostfellillfrommisery……
Evennow，somanyyearslater，allthisissomehowaveryevilmemory。Ihavemanyevilmemoriesnow，but……hadn’tIbetterendmy\"Notes\"here？IbelieveImadeamistakeinbeginningtowritethem，anywayIhavefeltashamedallthetimeI’vebeenwritingthisstory;soit’shardlyliteraturesomuchasacorrectivepunishment。Why，totelllongstories，showinghowI
havespoiledmylifethroughmorallyrottinginmycorner，throughlackoffittingenvironment，throughdivorcefromreallife，andranklingspiteinmyundergroundworld，wouldcertainlynotbeinteresting;anovelneedsahero，andallthetraitsforananti-heroare_expressly_gatheredtogetherhere，andwhatmattersmost，itallproducesanunpleasantimpression，forwearealldivorcedfromlife，weareallcripples，everyoneofus，moreorless。Wearesodivorcedfromitthatwefeelatonceasortofloathingforreallife，andsocannotbeartoberemindedofit。Why，wehavecomealmosttolookinguponreallifeasaneffort，almostashardwork，andweareallprivatelyagreedthatitisbetterinbooks。Andwhydowefussandfumesometimes？
Whyareweperverseandaskforsomethingelse？Wedon’tknowwhatourselves。Itwouldbetheworseforusifourpetulantprayerswereanswered。Come，try，giveanyoneofus，forinstance，alittlemoreindependence，untieourhands，widenthespheresofouractivity，relaxthecontrolandwe……yes，Iassureyou……weshouldbebeggingtobeundercontrolagainatonce。I
knowthatyouwillverylikelybeangrywithmeforthat，andwillbeginshoutingandstamping。Speakforyourself，youwillsay，andforyourmiseriesinyourundergroundholes，anddon’tdaretosayallofus——excuseme，gentlemen，Iamnotjustifyingmyselfwiththat\"allofus。\"AsforwhatconcernsmeinparticularIhaveonlyinmylifecarriedtoanextremewhatyouhavenotdaredtocarryhalfway，andwhat’smore，youhavetakenyourcowardiceforgoodsense，andhavefoundcomfortindeceivingyourselves。Sothatperhaps，afterall，thereismorelifeinmethaninyou。Lookintoitmorecarefully！Why，wedon’tevenknowwhatlivingmeansnow，whatitis，andwhatitiscalled？Leaveusalonewithoutbooksandweshallbelostandinconfusionatonce。Weshallnotknowwhattojoinonto，whattoclingto，whattoloveandwhattohate，whattorespectandwhattodespise。Weareoppressedatbeingmen——menwitharealindividualbodyandblood，weareashamedofit，wethinkitadisgraceandtrytocontrivetobesomesortofimpossiblegeneralisedman。Wearestillborn，andforgenerationspasthavebeenbegotten，notbylivingfathers，andthatsuitsusbetterandbetter。Wearedevelopingatasteforit。Soonweshallcontrivetobebornsomehowfromanidea。Butenough;Idon’twanttowritemorefrom\"Underground\"……
[Thenotesofthisparadoxalistdonotendhere，however。Hecouldnotrefrainfromgoingonwiththem，butitseemstousthatwemaystophere。]